HOPELESS & CONFUSED - DivorceBusting.com

I am currently going through a separation with my Husband of 7 years.
We have 2 children together and my world has been turned upside down since he told me he wants a divorce.
I see him daily and we talk and are getting along.
He has told me however that he has shut the door on any hope that him and I will reconcile and his focus right now is the kids and his happiness and to be a friend to me.
He says he plans on moving out eventually.
In the meantime he still sleeps at home most nights as I work nights.
He also stays overnight if I'm out or if it's convenient for him.
We are helping eachother financially at this time.
I'm confused because his actions are conflicting to what he says he wants.
The other day he surprised me with headphones for my workouts, he makes dinner, and is overall still concerned about my well being.

Yesterday he reached out when I was in bed and get me a hug.
I have been applying the last resort techniques but today I was feeling so terrible and decided to check in with him about where he's at.
He told me nothing has changed for him and that he didn't want to talk about it anymore.
I'm devastated and feel crushed..... what do I do now?
I feel all that hard work I put in to being strong and moving on with my life has been for nothing.
It has only been 3 weeks since separation.
Am I expecting results too quickly?
Is there still hope?
Pleeeease help.
I want so desperately to keep our family together... what steps do I take next???

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Hi, sorry for you to be here. All this happened only 3 weeks ago, don't give up hope, and don't put too much pressure on you. I'm nearly a year since I discover about OW and you'll need time to think logically. As Cadet said TIME is a precious thing, so use it on you.

Will check on you later on.

He wants a divorce, is still back and forth from home to friends house. Very involved in kids life, being friendly and supportive towards me bu he says he is 100 percent done with us. I make double his income and I'm wondering if I should set some boundaries. His truck is insured under my name as his insurance would be 3 times the am if it were under his name. He is asking me to continue insuring the vehicle. I don't want to feel used at the same time I don't want to be vindictive and push him away... thoughts?

Originally Posted By: hmc

Am I expecting results too quickly?
Is there still hope?

If you re-read my first POST you should have NO EXPECTATIONS.

And their is always HOPE until YOU say there isn't!

Also stick with one thread until 100 posts

Threads merged

Hi
I am rather new here too and experiencing something similar in the "I want to be friends" type of approach by my W

I have been accomodating and am taking her friendliness and desire to engage the wrong way. As hints of we can make it, we can reconcile, we can we can...

It's all just for her to feel better about the horrible decision and selfish path she is going down. I actually feel bad for her and she is so confused and hurt. I own some of that...

Try to read up and take the advice of others here...some of it is awesome. For me it is counter-intuitive to winning back your spouse but what is the alternative? For some it seems this has worked.

I ordered the book and will read it quickly so I would do the same. Anything can help and I look at it as "its going to be a better place than where you are at now??" right ?? I feel for you and hope you can make things better if that is what you want...

That's the thing. How can u just be friends with your husband after he just told u he wants a divorce. How can he do it so easily?

Hello hmc,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

There is actually much that can be done! It sounds like your husband is cake eating. Boundaries would be good, but be very cautious in how you establish them.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

I tried to go dark when husband was being all cupbeat and chatty with me by one word answer and went upstairs to bedroom and watched a movie with the kids. He told our son to tell me he's gone out... I'm upset he didn't tell me as its dinner soon and I'm wondering of I messed up by blowing him off? At one point today he asked if I was ok and what was wrong.

Husband who told me 3 weeks ago that he wants a divorce and there is no changing his mind wants to be friends. We have children together and he is back and forth from home to friends houses. He is still very friendly, engages in chatting, jokes around, cooks and cleans, offers to make me breakfast, cares for me when I'm sick... so I got hopeful and made the mistake of asking him if he was having a change of heart...he said no. So today I tried going dark... well it seems he's pulled back too...asked if there was something g wrong and he's been colder. Did I jump the gun on the going dark method? Should I be a friend back to him? I'm soooo confused

Originally Posted By: hmc

Update, he got really upset at me today and said I have been inconsiderate and not clear about where I have been going and not taking into consideration his time and his plans. He was angry at me and said it has been inconvenient for him as I'm vague about when I will be home etc. I stayed calm and told him I wasn't aware that he was feeling this way and that I would be more mindful in the future of this. I walked away and he came back in the room I was in and apologized and said he overreacted and that he's still angry and probably needs counselling for himself. I listened and said that it sounds like a good idea and then he hugged me anaaaaannnd.... kissed me on the lips! I smiled and said goodbye to my kids as I have a coffee date with a girlfriend. And left. He followed me to the door and said bye....is this progress???

I would try to keep posting here in newcomers rather than the going dark thread as you will get more responses

I think you did well with detaching and yes it sounds like you are making some small progress.
Try to lower your expectations on him just snapping out of this, this is a marathon not a sprint.

I am not finding much support on this forum. Is there anything I can do to get my posts seen more? I do appreciate the valuable advise I've been reading on here though through other's posts

It seems it is a slow day. Do not lose hope and keep posting. I have no words of wisdom. I am sorry you are here. Stay strong

Welcome. Sorry you're hear, but hoping you find as much here as I have to help you through.

Quote:

Am I expecting results too quickly?

Cadet has answered this one. There is a saying- prepare for the worst and hope for the best. This is triple true here. As long as you're unable to accept one outcome (divorce) you will be a disaster because it is making your well being conditional upon something you can't control. This is where people start being a nervous wreck, controlling, and emotionally all over the map. This brings out the worst in people.

Instead the goal really has to be to detach, let go of expectations, and learn to find a way to make your life positive with or without your H.

This sounded impossible to me in the beginning. Marriage, having a partner that would stay through thick and thin, commitment unbreakable by the stress of the world...this was what I wanted more than anything in the world. I couldn't picture accepting life without it, and indeed struggled because I felt being ok with a divorce was somehow supporting the decision to get divorced.

One thing I realized and clung to daily that helped me was this realization: I realized that if I couldn't be happy with my life without my spouse...if I looked at the sky and said "God, you've given me a wonderful family, my health, a good job, many talents and gifts to share with the world, good friends, and the miracle of life...but without the marriage I feel I need I think the world is horrible and it all stinks!"...if I was truly that unappreciative and entitled and ungrateful...then God giving me the marriage I wanted wouldn't change anything anyway.

The key that has really helped me through the most was fighting the negative feelings with appreciation for what you have. There is no silver bullet, but if there was, it would be this.

Quote:

I am not finding much support on this forum. Is there anything I can do to get my posts seen more? I do appreciate the valuable advise I've been reading on here though through other's posts

You'll get a following shortly. It helps to post on other people's threads, they will often look yours up and some will start following along.

Quote:

Did I jump the gun on the going dark method? Should I be a friend back to him?

I think going dim is a very good idea in the beginning. Here's why: For the first 30 days, virtually everything you do will be wrong. I am joking, kind of, but not entirely. The problem is until you reach a point of detachment from the outcome through appreciation of your life as it is, you will be an emotional wreck. Your emotions will be bouncing around for the first 90 days like the needle on a scale you just jumped on. So while going 'dim' has some merit to it for many other reasons, the main thing is it keeps you from making the situation worse. When you're in a hole, quit digging!

My best advice for newcomers is to avoid making big decisions. Slow down. DO NOT believe your feelings, they are changing and out of control right now. DO NOT believe your thoughts, they are rationalizations to justify your out of control feelings. DO NOT believe family or friends, they are biased and short sighted and not many people will give you advice that aligns with your core beliefs. So if nothing else, slow, slow, slow down, and don't do anything. Damage control. When things feel horrible the urge to do something, anything, to change the situation feels overpowering. But you must resist that.

Ancaire used a Bambi example, of the hunters in the woods, and the birds hiding from the guns. One bird couldn't bear to sit still and wanted to fly away. The other birds kept warning it. Finally it could take no more, gave into the flight instinct, took off into the sky, and was shot. This is so true. Read AUBob's last thread in it's entirety for an example of what happens when you don't follow this rule.

So yes, go dim, and do NOTHING. This isn't a long term strategy, and doesn't mean your sitch won't change, and you'll feel bad forever. This is just your flight instinct. Resist it and be still.

Also, a DB coach is a super, super good idea. The first thing I did after BD was get a counselor, DB coach, and lawyer. I did NOTHING without consulting all three, pretty much. No matter what spew I got, or how things worked out, I could sleep knowing I was acting consistently with the advice of professionals that had seen my sitch play out THOUSANDS of times, literally. I don't think you'll ever look back and regret spending the little bit it costs.

Quote:

I make double his income and I'm wondering if I should set some boundaries. His truck is insured under my name as his insurance would be 3 times the am if it were under his name. He is asking me to continue insuring the vehicle. I don't want to feel used at the same time I don't want to be vindictive and push him away... thoughts?

See above. Do nothing. Now's not the time. There is some validity to your question, but you can't trust your motivation right now. You will be contending with controlling behavior, punishing behavior, righteous indignation, etc. See my post to Inpain on parenting schedule. Don't do it. Breath. Post. Validate your own feelings. Vent on the forums. Did I mention do nothing?

Keep posting...

My husband is set on separating and eventually divorcing. He is however still living at home and is being a friend to me. He helps around the home and with our kids. I am struggling on how I could proceed with divorce busting strategies and how to interpret his response to strategies I use as he is being pleasent with me. He has told me he sees us divorced but says he is not a psychic and anything is possible. I constantly check in with him which backfires everytime as he shuts down. He is happy with our current arrangement. He is in and out of the house as he pleases, doesn't have to answer to anybody about his whereabouts and is enjoying life as a family at home. He still sleeps in the same bed as me most nights and says he is not interested in dating anyone else. We don't go out together or with the kids in public. He even still calls me honey or babe sometimes and even tried to be intimate last night. What do I do? How do I implement DB strategies? Do I set boundaries or is now not the time? I feel very hopeful however when I think things are going well and I initiate a convo about our sitch my husband tells me he hasn't changed his mind about the separation. Our kids are oblivious to what is going on. I am desperate to keep our family together. Please help

hmc,

Please stick w/one thread until you've reached 100 postings/replies. The reason for this is to allow posters to follow your story and when you post more than one thread at a time, it becomes confusing for posters as to which one to post to. Also, by doing one thread at a time, it will help you to keep track of your progress better.

Cadet may come along and merge both of your threads into one.

YUP - Cadet

Got it! Sorry

No need to apologize. You are very new to the forum and probably wasn't aware of the thread count, etc.

I finished Michells book and I feel so inspired. My one question now is to figure out if I am at the last resort technique or if I should implement the other techniques first. We are separated living in same home he's sleeping in our bed we have recently become physically intimate again..yesterday he even joined my daughter and I for lunch. Up until then we didn't go out together... I am hopeful

Why not treat him as you would a roommate? Answer questions if he should ask and go about your business as you have been. I do hope that you are using protection because there is no telling if he's been w/someone else. Even though many will swear that they haven't, we find out later that they had been intimate outside the marital relationship.

Hi HMC

If you take any advice, take this...

DO NOT KEEP ASKING HIM ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Stop this. Stop this. Stop this. It is the absolute worse thing you can do and will drive him away. Every time he answers he has to answer with a "i haven't changed my mind" and this just makes it stick more in his own mind. No matter how nice or intimate he is being, do not ask this. It will drive him away.

Stay friendly and upbeat. Joke around with him. Treat him how he is treating you But disappear and get a life. Keep yourself scarce. Do it in a nice way. Go out to dinner with friends. Start going to gym. Dress up nice and let him wonder where it is you are going (again in a nice not obvious way)

Get Intel, talk to lawyer. ASAP. Figure out finances close joint accounts. Make money disappear. DO NOT DO ANYTHING BASED ON GETTING HIM BACK. Trust me, it won't help. Make all your decisions especially financially based on what is best for you and children. He won't appreciate it and he won't respect it right now. Be polite about it though. Others here can help you with wording things better then I.

Be smart about this and put your hurt feelings on the back burner.

Originally Posted By: hmc

My husband is set on separating and eventually divorcing. He is however still living at home and is being a friend to me. He helps around the home and with our kids. I am struggling on how I could proceed with divorce busting strategies and how to interpret his response to strategies I use as he is being pleasent with me. He has told me he sees us divorced but says he is not a psychic and anything is possible. I constantly check in with him which backfires everytime as he shuts down. He is happy with our current arrangement. He is in and out of the house as he pleases, doesn't have to answer to anybody about his whereabouts and is enjoying life as a family at home. He still sleeps in the same bed as me most nights and says he is not interested in dating anyone else. We don't go out together or with the kids in public. He even still calls me honey or babe sometimes and even tried to be intimate last night. What do I do? How do I implement DB strategies? Do I set boundaries or is now not the time? I feel very hopeful however when I think things are going well and I initiate a convo about our sitch my husband tells me he hasn't changed his mind about the separation. Our kids are oblivious to what is going on. I am desperate to keep our family together. Please help

Hmc, So sorry that you have to be here with us, but glad you found this site. You have come to a great place for advice and support. There are many wise people on this forum that can help you if you just listen to them. And, no matter what you're going through, someone on here has been through it or is currently in the same boat as you.

You should go back to that first post by Cadet and click on the link titled Sandi's Rules. Read it about 20 times. When you're done, read it again! Then, follow it like it's your new bible. Tomorrow, read it again...and again. Refer back to it and every so often, read it again just to remind yourself. Those are very smart and important things that you should be doing/not doing. Also, always remember rule #32....."Do not believe anything they say and 50% of what they do. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared." You mentioned that he contradicts himself and his actions don't match his words, that's because you can't believe anything he says right now. His emotions and feelings are all over the place just like yours. He's hurting and confused even if he won't let you see it. Take a deep breath and calm down. Just because he says something, doesn't mean that he actually means it or that that is what will happen.

Some of what you are doing is only pushing him away from you though. Like someone posted earlier, when you're in a hole STOP DIGGING!! The more you dig, the longer and harder it will be to fix things. DO NOT initiate any talk about your marriage/relationship. You said that you constantly check in with him about his whereabouts and it backfires. That's because it makes you appear weak, needy and unattractive to him. DO NOT follow him around the house or ask about his whereabouts, he will see this as needy, clingy and desperate. Just be upbeat, cheerful, and mysterious. Try to look your best all the time. Make him wonder about you just like you're wondering about him. Pull back some. When you aren't chasing after him he will start to wonder why and will turn toward you. Why would he need to chase after you if he knows you're sitting there waiting eagerly for any crumbs he throws your way??

When I first got to this list I was in a complete panic and was desperate and pathetic. I had broken every single DB rule there was. I had begged, pleaded, cried, begged more, got angry, tried reasoning, and on, and on, and on. It got me absolutely nowhere! It never gets any of us anywhere. It doesn't work and actually makes things worse so stop doing it. When he says something that upsets you, just take a deep breath (or 20!), STAY CALM, walk away if you need to, or whatever it takes to keep your composure. Give yourself time to think before responding to him if necessary. My mottos these days are FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT and ACT AS IF and I do both of those on a daily basis. Act as if can be anything you need it to be....act as if you're okay without him, act as if he's not crushing your heart, act as if you're moving on with your life, act as if your happy to be going out alone. Whatever you need at the time, just act as if.

You can do this but it IS going to be the hardest thing you've ever done. So breathe, get some sleep, and stay calm. You will be okay and the pain will ease. We are all here for you anytime you need us. Good luck.

Thank you all for the wonderful advise! I am truly grateful to have found this forum. I will be updating as I go through this journey. We just had a family movie night, we laughed and enjoyed the kids and he even was calling me babe... I'm happy but also remaining cool

thank you all!!!

Don't be weak or clingy. That will make you look pathetic and very unattractive to him. Want to snap him out of this? Go to a lawyer and file for divorce. You don't have to go through with divorce but you'll find out where you stand instead of screwing around for an indefinite period of time.

This is brutal. It's an emotional roller coaster and I don't know how much more I can handle. Had a bad day yesterday. H was more distant than usual. I found myself over analyzing everything he said/did. I did initiate some affection and maybe I shouldn't have... time to back off

There is a tendency to over-analyze. I obsessed over every little thing. At least you recognize you're doing that so you can consciously work on doing it less.

Aaand ladies and gentlemen I messed up. I confronted him about a conversation he had with another woman. He lied about it I went through his phone and told him. He is livid about this. I pretty much kicked him out of the house. I was furious... I am finding myself regretting this decision. He has made plans to move out and stay at friends home... any way I can come back from this???

HMC, there is always a way to come back. Read Sandi's rules and reread Zues's comment. To truly DB, you have to live and breathe it every second of the day. Yes, you messed up...but we all have and many right at the beginning. Just pick yourself up and try again. It's all we can do.

I know where you are right now is not a good place, but you will get stronger and more calm as you act "as if". You can do this!

E

Originally Posted By: hmc

Aaand ladies and gentlemen I messed up. I confronted him about a conversation he had with another woman. He lied about it I went through his phone and told him. He is livid about this. I pretty much kicked him out of the house. I was furious... I am finding myself regretting this decision. He has made plans to move out and stay at friends home... any way I can come back from this???

What you did was refuse to be disrespected by him and his despicable lying. Never feel bad about that. I promise you this. Men want what they can't have and they never respect a doormat.

Just remember to take it a day at a time. Try the 180 techniques. Its helping me some in my situation! I think lol

How did your night go, HMC?

Thinking of you.

Elly

Wow I sympathize so much with you! I am new at this too and am trying to learn not to trust my gut or initial reactions. I also find myself trying to sleep thinking about my W. Often that turns to visualizing her with someone else and I feel like I am going to break down and start panicking. Then come up with plans that will make it all ok. I am doing my best to not follow through those plans and stay with the book and advice but it is hard. Just know there are a lot of us going through this and I wish the very best for you and will pray for you.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. He surprisingly is still sleeping at home he has reassured me he is not interested in other women tight now but he us way colder and distant... all that work for nothing. I am so angry at myself

Hello hmc,

BREATH! Stop being so hard on yourself. Sticking with DB strategies is hard work and everyone messes up sometimes. It happens! Hit your inner reset button and begin again because you can.

I'm glad you found Michele's book to be inspirational. Follow Cadet's advice by keeping it to yourself. These are your tools. Focus on being the best hmc and Mom that only a fool would leave without any relationship talk. Show him, dont' tell him, what his is giving up.

Thanks for the vote of confidence on the DB Coaching Zues126. Getting a DB Coach will help you figure out which strategies to use when and how to specifically handle his cake eating behavior.

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

I wish I could afford it buy unfortunately I cant

Totally get that, HMC, as I can't afford one either. But keep reading the forums and the books. People on here will help, and Cristy's advice is spot on. Forgive yourself and move on to the next step.

Have you set some goals yet?

E

Hi, I know it's hard because you are leaving under the same roof, please take it as a blessing. From what I read in your post going dark, your H is curious of what you do. I don't want to raise your hope but I see it as baby step from his side.

Hang in there.