Here is my story.
I have been with my wife for 5 years.
M 1 year 9months.
We have 2 children together 3 and 10months.
Also I have 2 from a previous marriage which she completely accepted as her own.
I thought things were good until 2 months ago when I was told she is leaving me.
She is unhappy with everything and has been for a long time.
Shortly after I found out there is another man in the situation. I immediately started seeing a therapist.
Reading books and forums to change my issues.
Which I fully admit.
I did nothing to make this marriage work and I accept my responsibilities for my part of the failed M.
Where we sit now without going into extreme detail is that we live together until she can get the funds to rent someplace where she wants to move with the younger 2.
The older 2 visit every other weekend and live with their mother.
We have shared a bed a few times in the last 2 months and had sex for the last time 2 days after she told me she was leaving.
She leaves every weekend to go to where she is "happy" and usually with friends and the OM.
I asked her to be 100% truthful with me if they were having sex. She said no.
However like the rules state believe nothing they say. She is always texting.
Snap chatting and talking on the phone with friends and OM. It's quite painful to see and live with.
Right now I at the point where I don't care what she is doing. She has to follow her path.
And I being the grown up/ parent.
I have to be who I need to be for my children and myself.
I am 32. She is 26.
I find myself being much more happy with my life now that I am keeping myself busy and spending more time with my kids.
If or when she wants to be part of that.
Great.
Until then it hurts.
But I am happier.
Last night after returning from her weekend away and I listened to all she had to say about the fun she had.
I stopped her and explained how I felt about certain subjects and how they are hard for me to hear and cope with.
This last weekend she was away brought her to the point where she is probably more attached to the OM and at the same time told me that if I had been acting/living like I have been for the last 2 months over the last 5 years this never would have been an issue.
So while I accept that my change is not changing anything between us right now.
It has opened her eyes to the fact that I have changed and want to continue down the path I am going.
So I guess my question is What do I do from here?
Just keep on focusing on myself improvement?
Or should I add in trying to reconnect?
Or distance myself and hope she approaches me about reconnecting?
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Thanks for the starter info! I have been lurking for a few days after stumbling onto this site and really hope I can make things work for my family
1) keep doing what you are doing. Why change now? You said yourself that you are happier.
2) make sure not to start pursuing now. That won't do you any good.
3) don't tell her things are "hard for you" to hear. Tell her she's being disrespectful telling you about her exploits with OM! It's not that she's hurting you....it's that she's not respecting you as a person!
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I really do feel happy with how my life is changing. Other than the hurt of her not wanting to be part of it. I am scared if I detach she will think I don't care anymore. At the same time I am realizing she is already gone and her herself is detached. As for telling her she is being disrespectful of me. I agree. However I also know by saying that she will get angry and close up to me. She is starting to open up. The issue I told her to stop about was she was explaining how she was out at the bar with friends and OM when the OM ex came up to them to talk and W was going to fight her. It did hurt me because she was acting like a jealous teenager. That it sunk in she considers herself dating this guy
I read through the detachment page and I will definitely have to go through it several times more to really let the info sink in. What I read makes so much sense and it feels like I have started that process and I am still letting her have control over me. Hoping she will approve. So I believe I need to focus on the detachment more. When I first saw detachment it seemed extreme to me but reading about it, it makes more sense and I am not completely letting go
Do the actions and behavior of your W fit within your values and principles? I gather by what you've said.......and mostly by what you haven't said........that her A is not a deal breaker for you. Is that b/c she said she had not had sex with OM? Or would that matter?
It always concerns me to see a man whose only worry is that his wayward W will eventually forsake her A and have him back.
One thing EVERY wayward wife has in common, and that is disrespect for her H. That is where you have to begin, if you want to have a good M, is her respecting you. I have a feeling it has gone on so long that you haven't really considered her not respecting you. A woman has to respect you as a man, before she can feel in love with you and respect you as her H. That's how women are wired.
So, evaluate the relationship and decide if she has lost respect for you as a man. Let me give you a clue. Any W who talks to her H about her time spent with her lover........has no respect for that H. The respect was gone before the OM ever came into the picture.
You need to also decide if you think it is wise to continue having sex with a woman who is probably having sex with another man. Please do not trust her word. Don't take chances. Protect yourself.
Stepping back from the situation I realize she has no respect for me. I addressed that tonight and told her I do want to hear about you day and what your doing that is fun. At the same time I do not want to hear about the things that involve the OM. It's disrespectful to me that you talk about it so openly. Surprisingly she didn't get openly mad at me and said she understood. What she is doing right now does not fit into my values and beliefs nor those of her parents and upbringing. The reason I do want her back is since the day I saw her i have always felt that she is my forever person. She was my best friend and the woman I love more than anyone.
She still comes to me with issues like her mother not agreeing with the situation and refusing to talk to her. So I listen and give advice if asked. Do I go dark? I am at a total loss as to how to proceed with the interactions with her. She definitely notices if I go cold. And distance between us was part of the issue before. My therapist asked me the same question. Why do you want to reconcile with someone who having a EA or otherwise and right now because I still love her very much and my beliefs and values are that a family should be together. That is what I want
No, I would not suggest going dark at the moment, but I do suggest you read the 37 rules, as a guide to get you started in how to interact with her.
At the bottom of that first page of rules, is a link to a series of threads about the wayward wife. It could save you valuable time, hopefully, if you will run through those, too. I think you will see how you need to take a much stronger stand, if you want this WW to return.
I have read many of the same descriptions about wives on this board. She is absolutely his world. So much, in fact, that he has become co-dependent on that MR. All his free time is with her. His old friends kind of fell behind, and he gave up most his hobbies/interests b/c now it's all about his family.
A lot of the H's who have a WW fall into the "nice-guy" type of men. One thing that will not work to win back the heart of a WW is your nice-guy way. You cannot nice her back.
Hope you'll read those links.
What is to be expected of the W when I start the detaching process? Also in my situation I am able to spend my free time in the basement reading or working on some projects I have. Is that the right option? I am concerned I will take it too far and alienate her. Last night we had supper with the boys, I tucked the older one in and while he fell asleep she sat in front of the fireplace on her phone. I worked in some school work as I am in a trade and doing schooling now. Then took the dog for a walk. She asked how the walk was. I said it was good. And gave a few details. Then I went downstairs and did some work for an hour or so came up for a drink of water and a smoke and she came over and engaged me. I listened and said little. While I was working she texted me a few times and I have short responses if it was a question. None of it was a statement. After the drink I went back down and read the forums a bit on my phone and slept. She didn't text me anything and this morning I woke her up as she slept through her alarm. I said good morning and other than that there has been nothing. I just have been talking with my 3 yr old. Do I seem like I on the right path? Or too far. Too little?
What is to be expected of the W when I start the detaching process?
Re-read my advice to you.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
I am not sure if you are asking us to
mind read how she will react, although anything is possible IMHO.
Give her space and let her control the contact.
Yes you are starting on the right path to learn how to DB.
What is to be expected of the W when I start the detaching process?
Cadet already got this one nailed. Who knows?
Also in my situation I am able to spend my free time in the basement reading or working on some projects I have. Is that the right option?
Yes and no. How can you do some GAL activities outside of your home? Doing some work on projects is good. How can you also do some things to meet new people and make new friends?
I am concerned I will take it too far and alienate her.
Shes having an affair. What do you mean "alienate" her?
Last night we had supper with the boys, I tucked the older one in and while he fell asleep she sat in front of the fireplace on her phone. I worked in some school work as I am in a trade and doing schooling now. Then took the dog for a walk. She asked how the walk was. I said it was good. And gave a few details. Then I went downstairs and did some work for an hour or so came up for a drink of water and a smoke and she came over and engaged me. I listened and said little.
Listening is good. Validating is good. No real reason to do any more than that.
While I was working she texted me a few times and I have short responses if it was a question.
If you are working, then you dont need to reply right away. You dont want to be doing things just so you dont have to be around her. Dont act like youre avoiding her. So, I wouldnt have your phone by your side ready to reply at a moment's notice.
None of it was a statement. After the drink I went back down and read the forums a bit on my phone and slept. She didn't text me anything and this morning I woke her up as she slept through her alarm. I said good morning and other than that there has been nothing. I just have been talking with my 3 yr old. Do I seem like I on the right path? Or too far. Too little?
Seems like a good start. Now, how can you start doing things outside of the home?
I apologize if I come off as panicking. Because part of me is. I have always been very intimate and close with my wife. Or felt I was anyway. Hugs kisses speaking my affection and being available for whatever she needed. So this is a definite 180 for me. I feel like I should give The major issues that caused the breakdown from my side. From the beginning there were huge missteps in my part. I was not open with her off the start and we had been dating a few months when I told her I was not actually divorced. Separated for 3 years but not legally divorced. That did not go over well and we both immediately started the process of getting my divorce done. During this time tho I stepped back as she seemed to be handling it well enough without my help and I was only partially involved.
My financial choices before W were also very poor and she explained my options were bankruptcy or jail time as I had letters for court dates for non payment at this point. I opted for bankruptcy and once again. Other than my signature I let her handle it all. If it was something she could do I let her and she did it. She came to me several times asking for help with this or that and I would until the next day and I would go back to my old ways. I found myself lost in a computer game and it took up all my free time. I played it every chance I got and I neglected any time with S. W has always been a go out and do stuff person. Socialize. Camping. Not sit around the house. And I was lazy and we never did anything. I see all my shortcomings. Eliminated the problem areas and have been more active. Like waking the dog. Which I never did before. Looking after my issues. Finances. And working on projects in the house. Spare time is spent with my kids and finding stuff to do. And it feels amazing! This change in me however brought on resentment from her as she indicated if I had been like this for 5 years we wouldn't be having this issue.
Hugs kisses speaking my affection and being available for whatever she needed.
Have you read the 5 Love Languages?
It sounds like yours may be physical touch and ??quality time??. On the other hand, hers may be....
During this time tho I stepped back as she seemed to be handling it well enough without my help and I was only partially involved.
Other than my signature I let her handle it all. If it was something she could do I let her and she did it. She came to me several times asking for help with this or that and I would until the next day and I would go back to my old ways.
Acts of Service
What that means is that she may perceive your love in a different way than how you express it. And vice versa. Without speaking to each other in the same "language", you can get the sense that the other doesnt love you.
I found myself lost in a computer game and it took up all my free time. I played it every chance I got and I neglected any time with S. W has always been a go out and do stuff person. Socialize. Camping. Not sit around the house. And I was lazy and we never did anything. I see all my shortcomings. Eliminated the problem areas and have been more active. Like waking the dog. Which I never did before. Looking after my issues. Finances. And working on projects in the house. Spare time is spent with my kids and finding stuff to do. And it feels amazing! This change in me however brought on resentment from her as she indicated if I had been like this for 5 years we wouldn't be having this issue.
This is all you can do. Be the person that you want to be. Dont listen to her complaints and resentment. Shes going to really be upset with you for being a better person?
I live in a smaller town. 1000 people so there isn't a whole lot to do in the evenings. However tonight there is adult volleyball that she had always wanted to go to and I never did. We went once early on in the split and I plan on going alone tonight. I did mention that I was going and she was welcome to come if she wanted. But I going. Also there is a gym opening soon so I plan on getting out to work on myself and meet people there. If I'm not alone there. I do feel like heading to the basemt is an attempt to avoid her. Being winter and cold and dark my outside options are a bit limited and sitting upstairs is to sit on my phone and watch her texting and talikng to friends and OM. she wanted me to be more outgoing and do stuff and now she sits on her phone constantly. I also fear that if we engage in conversation I am going to get sucked back into being totally available to her. Right now her emotional needs are being primarily be OM and I picking up anything he isn't. I want to stop that it's my fair to me to be strung along and feel like things are ok. Because they aren't and I need to work on me.
She may be upset that it took this extreme for me to be focused on changing And if she isn't happy with me being happier that's her issue not mine. If she chooses to be miserable and angry them she had to look at herself. If she doesn't like the new happy me. Her loss
I live in a smaller town. 1000 people so there isn't a whole lot to do in the evenings. However tonight there is adult volleyball that she had always wanted to go to and I never did. We went once early on in the split and I plan on going alone tonight. I did mention that I was going and she was welcome to come if she wanted. But I going. Also there is a gym opening soon so I plan on getting out to work on myself and meet people there. If I'm not alone there.
Good. Can you do stuff with your kids too? Is there a parent group you can join? Im not sure how far away from a bigger town you are; maybe check out meetup.com? Also, the local libraries usually have stuff thats cheap or free for kids.
I do feel like heading to the basemt is an attempt to avoid her.
Right and if she can sense this, then she will know that your activities and such are about her and not about you. What youre doing is good; but how to frame your mindset such that you want to be doing X, not just that you want to be avoiding her?
Being winter and cold and dark my outside options are a bit limited and sitting upstairs is to sit on my phone and watch her texting and talikng to friends and OM.
No. Nobody wants this.
Tyler12]she wanted me to be more outgoing and do stuff and now she sits on her phone constantly. I also fear that if we engage in conversation I am going to get sucked back into being totally available to her. Right now her emotional needs are being primarily be OM and I picking up anything he isn't. I want to stop that it's my fair to me to be strung along and feel like things are ok. Because they aren't and I need to work on me.
Agreed. So dont get sucked in. Dont meet her emotional needs. She already fired you. Let OM meet all of her needs. I think it was CaliGuy that said to let OM handle the entire train behind the engine; not just the front car.
Reading sandi's posts about WW I have a much better pictur on what I need to do. One large misstep I made tho is I moved to the basement while she stayed in our room. I will try and remedy this. I agree if she is walking away then why should I be the one that gives up the bed? The more I read on here the better I feel anout what I have to do for myself and children. That is what's important now. I am in the process of getting the books suggested by everyone ASAP. And look forward to using the knowledge they have. Thank you everyone for your help so far. I will definitely stay active here
I'm so happy to hear you're getting the books, Tyler. Have you already read DR? That one is pure gold for me. I reread it once a week, to help keep me focused.
At this point, it's less about H and more about me. It needs to be for the time-being. Like you, I took a good look at how I acted and behaved during the M, and I saw several areas that could use improvement. Not to make H happy, but because I had literally lost who I was in the R. Not good for either of us.
All the reading I've done, sharing posts, and getting advice here has just been golden for me. I'm starting to see outside my sheer terror, and am making plans to move forward. I wish the same for you.
The biggest thing to keep in mind? It all takes time. Way more time than you want it to - but that very same time gives you an opportunity like you've never had before to really work on yourself exclusively. It is a gift, although it is so hard to frame it that way in the midst of the pain. You'll get there.
(((Tyler)))
I am sorry your new year is starting out like this.
I know how easy it is to panic and wonder how every little thing you are doing is affecting her. Your goal is hard, but you have to completely take your focus off of her and focus on yourself.
What can you start doing in your life to make yourself happier today?
This is so hard, but keep posting and trust the process.
One large misstep I made tho is I moved to the basement while she stayed in our room.
I will try and remedy this. I agree if she is walking away then why should I be the one that gives up the bed?
BINGO
Let us know how you make out here and while you may encounter some anger it is one of the most common and worst mistakes you can make to move out of the house or abandon the marriage.
Taking back your bed is a great idea!
I talked to my therapist on the phone for a brief period today and explaining what I want to do based on all of the suggestions ideas and theories I have found so far on this site she is in total agreement with the actions I am implementing. So that feels really good to me to have someone I know and trust support this decision! I am sure I will come to trust all of you too this is not going to be a quick and easy process so I am glad to have found a community where I can vent and get ideas and support from people that have or are living through the same situation as myself.
this is not going to be a quick and easy process
Hi Tyler, very sorry you are here. Under circumstances this is a great board with great people and you will receive great advice. You appear to be doing quite well this early on and per what you've said above, understand that any changes likely will not happen suddenly or as quickly as we'd hope. Realizing this fact is true knowledge my friend. Majority of us are in it for the long haul. This gives us all time to work on who we truly wish to be. We may not have been dealt the hand we're playing, but we can sure do as best we can with what we've got.
Just wanted to extend my support as we are all on our respective journeys under similar events.
I was wondering if on top of DB books if people have recommendations for say podcasts or books that I can get on kindle or on my phone. It is much easier for me to keep my dbing my thing on my phone. Also it's instant download an I don't have to wait for it to come In the mail. I can dive right in
Went out to volleyball tonight alone. I mentioned I was going yesterday and she was welcome to come. When it was time to go she said no which didn't surprise me and I was going anyway. It was fun. It will get better going out. Right now it felt a little lonely. Like something was missing. I am wondering what helps you guys make the transition to DBing for yourself instead of, like I feel now, to get the WS back. I keep telling myself it's for me and my happiness but right now it still feels like I am doing this to win her back.
That said there are times already where it feels like she is pursuing. Hovering waiting for me to ask how her day was or what's going on. And I don't. I am employing all I have read and learned here to detach. She is like a yo-yo where she is right there. Then she will go quiet and go do what she always does. Sit on her phone.
Today was a hard day to follow sandi's rules tho as I could tell she had a rough day and was tired, aggravated at the children, i got home earlier than here and she had meat out. I was hungry so I started making supper because I wanted to eat and I know my boys are always hungry after day care. And she was mad at me saying why do I bother planning supper! Haha. I said really? I got home first and started supper ( also a 180) and your mad at me? Normally I would go play with the boys to give her some down time on days like this but I was busy with supper and still attended the boys when they wanted my attention. So I got through it. It was rough tho. Here's to each day getting easier and better for my children and me!
Tyler,
When I first started going out all I wanted was H by my side. I was having so much fun, alone. But I just kept at it. Little by little I was able to enjoy myself without wishing H was there with me. I still feel a humongous urge to get him to come with me often, but it passes and I go on with my plans.
I remember on New Years I was so sad getting dressed because my shoes were so cute, lol. My H has never seen me in my cute shoes. But it passed and I had an amazing night.
It feels like you are only doing this to win her back because right now you are only doing this to win her back. People can tell you all day that you need to go have fun for yourself. You need to make yourself better for you, but while it is still so fresh and new, it is impossible for you to do this. It is ok to fake it until you make it. Keep pretending you are doing this for you, and day by day that lie will become the truth.
If possible, do not get pulled into her moods. Dont worry if she is happy, sad or anything. She fired you from that job. Don't walk around on eggshells. It will make you look weak. Show strong and happy as much as you can.
I know her anger is confusing. She gets angry when you do the right thing and she is the one who is choosing this life, why is she getting angry? The reason is this is harder on her than you might think. Yes, logically you can say she can end this nightmare any time she wants, but she cant see that. She feels trapped, hurt and angry. When you do things right, it could make her furious, because why now?
That is why you cant get pulled into her moods. You cant help her. You can mindread what she 'might' be thinking.
You seem like you are already doing so well. This will be the hardest thing you have ever done, and it will last what seems like forever, but we are here every rotten step of the way.
Thank you Mona. Your words of encouragement mean a lot. It's wonderful to have a support group that understands 95% of what's going on. The other 5% being specifics. And you are right on the nose. She has expressed anger at me for changing now, and I thought it was because she was mad it took so long for me to be the way I am now. I never considered that it makes her mad because it also makes this so much harder for her. Which feels good to me right now that it's hard for her too. Not te best attitude to have because it's spiteful and I have to not worry about her emotions. Because like you said. She fired me from that job.
It's only been a couple days of detaching for me with W and it's going well mostly because I have done it before with previous relationships, those were me going dark tho. I find myself asking myself now if she were to come back what makes me want to take her back? Will things be better? Will she be a different person? Will she just do this again?
I am also finding it to be a fine line between detaching and going dark/ cold. Or is it just me not quite understanding the difference? I re read the rules and detachment forums everyday to understand more and remember it. I'm just wondering if it is a fine of line as I am currently thinking
Hey man, so this is what my wife admitted to me. Some of her anger and depression was at herself. She was tearing apart the family, chose an OM very poorly etc. Some was at OM who became a burden. A lot was at me for not changing before she made her mistake etc. What attracted her to me again though was staying the course. She was in a sht storm and saw consistency in me. That was the turning point, that's why you need to shake off her moods. She wants to unnerve you and also likes the drama now. But it will get old. In my case detachment was really hard especially bc I couldn't detach physically. I actually needed to be more present.
My 2nd bd was over a month ago. It confirmed all of my suspicions but was actually good for R. It was her coming clean and actually being remorseful. Now it's my anger I got to work through, but r and w are there thankfully.
Oh and your wifes om? Ignore the not a pa lie. Start coming to terms with it earlier than later. Sorry man. Happy new year. You can do this.
First thing I did btw. I didn't throw her out bc of what bd 1 was, but I did reclaim all of my space and control over my home.
Found the detachment thread by coach and it's pretty much answering my last post. Loving this site!
I plan on getting my home back. It's going to be a long road as my attitude and demeanour over our R has made her the pant wearer. She is the one that want to leave and she. Ant because she can't afford it now and I am not helping her move. Tho some days I do want to say here's your stuff here's the money. Go. Haha.
She chose this not me and she needs to put in her big girl panties and deal with what she created. Each day gets better and i feel more confident in myself and what I want to do/ be.
Leaving the house this morning I called out. Have a good day I love you! I was talking to my boys who are 3 and 10 months. W replies have a good day. So I. Stopped walking out and said. Boys. I said I love you and have a good day. My 3 yr old said he loved me. I felt it necessary to specify my intention of what I said only because I love you was part of it. If it was just have a good day I would have left it. I need to be more careful with what I say or how I word things I was upset that it could have been considered a slip by W of me saying I love you.
This started when she texted me to have a good day and I said you too.
Me :I have felt like you are upset and frustrated the last few days. Are things alright with you?
W: Yah im fine. It just feels like u dont want me around so im trying to stay out of the way
M: I understand why you feel that way. And it's not the case. I am stressed about school this year and it's taking a lot of my energy to try and stay focused on it.
W: Well it has been like this since long before school
Me: Not wanting you around isn't the case. I feel like you don't want to be around and it's not that I am staying out of your way, it's that I need to be happy for me and the kids, so I do stuff that I enjoy doing. Like playing with the boys. Making supper. Walking Molly. If you want to be part of what I am doing great. If not I am not going to enjoy it anymore or less. I still think about you and care about you, at the same time I am thinking and caring for myself
W: It just feels like im stepping on toes being at the house, and it feels weird if i try to do anything with the boys.
So this is where it's left off. I don't know if I am talking too much or if the communication is good. It feels good to me. But what she last sent I am not sure how to approach that. I feel like I should say well you decided this is best for you and you have chosen to distance yourself from the children and myself. You made your bed now you don't want to sleep in it? I am not sure how to proceed
I would let her proceed. There is nothing you can say or do to help her right now, but there is a ton you can say that will put you further behind. So my advice is to get out of this conversation about how she feels quick. No replies. She did not ask you a question, so you dont have to reply.
The main thing is she does not want help with the way she feels. If you offer help or suggestions or even opinions, it will push her away. fast. If she brings up her feelings, just validate and dont say anything one way or another.
"i can understand why you would feel that way. What should we make fore dinner?"
"I am sorry if that stresses you, do we need milk from the store?"
I loved your " If you want to be part of what I am doing great. If not I am not going to enjoy it anymore or less." Nice work!!
1) Why did you start this conversation? How is this anything BUT an R talk?
2) Why are you telling her about your needs? She truly doesnt give a cr@p about them. Dont say in words what you can do in actions.
3) Why are you saying so MUCH? Your texts are twice as long as hers. You should shoot for 80% of hers, not double!
4) "So what would you suggest?"
So my advice is to get out of this conversation about how she feels quick.
I agree with this. This is a DANGER conversation that never should have been started.
No replies. She did not ask you a question, so you dont have to reply.
That said, I dont think you can stop right yet. But anything that you say will dig you a hole. So let her do the talking.
The main thing is she does not want help with the way she feels. If you offer help or suggestions or even opinions, it will push her away. fast. If she brings up her feelings, just validate and dont say anything one way or another.
Whole heartedly agree.
I realize that I am saying too much right now. I am quite happy that I did recognize I am going too in depth and have said nothing since we last text. This is an R talk. And I did initiate conversation but not with the intention of R talk. That was her I feel. Although yes I said way too much and focused on myself. That is something I need to work on curbing. I will end this convo by saying I can't say I understand how she feels this way because I don't. She chosen to leave and distance herself and now she feels uncomfortable? Her choice her consequence.
All I said back was I'm sorry you feel this way. The reply I got was Well thats how it is. But whatever. So conversation over She can feel sorry for herself all she wants.
I am also finding it to be a fine line between detaching and going dark/ cold. Or is it just me not quite understanding the difference? I re read the rules and detachment forums everyday to understand more and remember it. I'm just wondering if it is a fine of line as I am currently thinking
This is just my opinion about going dark. I don't think it can be done, successfully, if you are still living together and have children. Going dark (the resort after the last resort, as described by MWD), means they never see you, never hear from you, and it's as if you fell off planet earth. How can you do that when living together? You can't. You may
think you are going dark, but your spouse sees you as just being grumpy, moody, withdrawn, pouting, angry, etc. The only way you can truly go dark is to live apart and have no sort of swapping kids between you where you see each other, no co-parenting communication, etc. And......don't even get me started with this so-called "gray".
When a LBH who lives with his W thinks he's going dark one day and not
so dark the next is getting anywhere with the R, he is sadly mistaken. It is doing nothing more than giving her ammunition to twist everything around and turn it on him. Which isn't hard for a WW. Again, I am referring to living under the same roof together. If you want to physically S and never contact or see her again,
that would be "going dark".
My advice is to forget the going dark, at the moment, and just focus on detaching. Going dark requires physically removing yourself from her life.....and can't do it under the same roof. Detaching is all about how you think in relationship to her. It is a mental attitude. You can sit right beside her and be emotionally detached.
I think a lot of people confuse detaching and going dark. Hope I didn't make it worse by giving you what I interpret as going dark.
I've noticed a lot of newcomers making the same mistake, and I think it may come from that link they read.....but again, TJMHO.
That makes sense. I am confusing going dark with going cold. The interaction this morning with WW was me trying to detach because I feel like by trying to detach I have been going too far and being cold.
My DB and DR books are ordered and I should have them mid next week. Looking forward to having them to study and refer to while using all the great info here as well to make my life how it should be for my kids and myself
Detaching does not mean to act cold, pouty, moody, mad, etc.
Here is a good description defining detachment. I hope you'll read it through.
Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment (found around here)
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to not bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
Thank you Sandi I think in my detaching attempt so far I feel I have been approaching it wrong and totally closing myself off. Not talking to S going out of my way to avoid her. When what I believe I have to do is live my life like I want. She is going to be part of it no matter what as we have children together and nothing I say or do should be to change her. It should be for me. I am not saying I'm going to start acting like nothing is wrong or hasn't changed and act like we are happily married. A large part is me letting go of what she thinks of me. Why should I care right now what she thinks of me. It's about what I think of me and right now I feel much more positive about myself. My choices and my relationship with my children.
Also I really enjoy your post Sandi for newcomer LBH with WW. It helps me to understand her thought process and how to avoid feeding her feelings and addiction.
Need a little insight on a subject. When I call my older 2 kids, which I do every other night to see how they are and what's new. Do talk to them and not offer to talk to W? Do I not make it an option for kids? She has totally distanced herself from the older 2 because it hurts her to be leaving them after she has been their step mom for 1/2 their lives. So I don't plan on asking her if she wants to talk to them. But do I deny the kids talking to her? Do I ask them if they want to talk to W? D is 12 S is 9 and I know they are hurt by this sitch
Tyler-detaching means you don't let her dictate your mood. She is happy to see you, great-you are happy and attractive tyler. She wants to go out-you are happy attractive tyler. BUT if she ever disrespects you, call her out on it, but be happy attractive and in control tyler. She wants you to put up with something that is intolerable-nope, but you remain happy attractive tyler. Get the point?-you are awesome. Even if you are calling her on her bs you are awesome. You're in control. Think of an airline pilot. You are the pilot. You do whatever you need to but she only hears the calm voice on the PA.
I don't know why but I find the role reversal amusing. For the first 2 months I was moody and playing the poor little me role. Now with the advice here and a plan I came home today and was happy to play with my boys. Listened the one time she talked to me and validated her feelings. ( it was about how work was frustrating not R) and the rest of the time she has avoided eye contact and just sat there looking like she feels sorry for herself while I do my own laundry and play with my boys. Also I talked to my older 2 on the phone tonight neither of them asked to talk to her and I didn't offer so she didn't talk to them. She didn't ask to either. As great as I feel right now I am preparing myself for the attempted entrapment and anger that will for sure come my way. At which point I worry about me. Walk away from fights and listen and validate but not engage. Thank you all for the support so far. I'm glad on this long road there will be people like you all to listen and help
That's how they roll. The depression and anger should be expected by you. I just found people I could trust and spoke about it. Made jokes about it actually because it was frankly insane especially when combined with her blatant lies. Later man, good luck.
Tonight she lost her temper at our 3 ur old after I asked him to play with me a little quieter as his 10m brother was just asleep. She came into the room roaring to stop yelling and dad told you! I said I am handling this he understands and she stormed off. After he went to bed I approached her and said. I understand you had a rough day at work and are wore out, at the same time I feel like the way you yelled at our son was uncalled for, there is no need to take things out on him. I started to walk away after that and she huffed and said look who decided to be a parent now! I smiled and maybe threw my own barb but said someone needs to. And kept on walking. Since she has dropped the moody attitude and we have had a couple small but good conversations. Not about R just things.
Great news. I took back the bed tonight. I mentioned the air mattress was not working for me and she said I'll sleep on it. Ok. So come time for bed I went to her and said your going to sleep downstairs on the air mattress cause I need to move my stuff back up.
W: oh ya. Ok
So I grabbed my stuff moved it all back in. And as a parting gift shot a little spray of her Favorite cologne of mine that always did wonders for me in the corner of the room.
Huge confidence booster.
Then we were having a smoke before bed and she starts a "funny story" that leads to it being about OM. I looked at her and she says what. It's a funny story!
Me: I see that it's a funny story at the same time I asked you not to talk about anything to do with OM.
W: Ok. I'm sorry.
Then I changed the subject to something else.
She still talks about when she leaves and it still bothers me but not as much as even a week ago
Felt great when I woke up this morning. Feeling really positive right now. The self confidence i have is growing all the time and my ability to detach and not let W affect my mood and attitude is easier.
I hit a bit of a hard spot last night as she was doing something and I couldn't help but stare as I was overwhelmed with attraction for her. She is still the most beautiful woman in the world. I took a deep breath and walked out before I said something or did something that would set me back. But my god it was hard not to run to her in that situation
Just another little thought that popped into my head.
Last night she asked me to move a coffee table so we could play crib I expressed my thoughts being that there is no point because we both know it doesn't work and it's easier to play at the kitchen table. But if she wants it moved she's a big girl and can move it. I will get te cards and board. She said ya your right lets go to the table. Geez what's with men being bitchy today?
I knew she must be arguing with OM and I don't care. I said grumpy? I am in a fantastic mood see? As I put a massive smile on my face. No come play this game with me so I can kick your butt. Haha.
Taking te focus off her and being a respectful in control man in my house is giving me a wonderful sense of self worth and knowledge I will be great no matter what.
Not that if/when she leaves it won't be a hard time. I feel like I am setting myself up for it to be harder for her than myself tho.
I couldn't help but stare as I was overwhelmed with attraction for her. She is still the most beautiful woman in the world.
If you only knew how many LBH's say those words! Here's the thing, Tyler. She may actually be very beautiful, but your attraction has become stronger b/c she is pulling away from you. It is natural to look at what you are losing and see how much you want it.
This is what I try to explain to the husbands here. It works the same way with wayward wives. The minute she thinks she's losing him.....oh boy, look out! Suddenly, she's pursuing
him. She's full of questions about his activities (GAL) with what, where, and especially with whom. That is why we tell the LBH to step away from her and start living as if he is the most attractive guy out there.....who is not interested in women who cheat. Turn the tables, and you may just change the dynamics in the MR.
The secret is to keep it changed for good. So many H's get way too excited over the first little sign of pursuit (or just a smile) from her. He's ready to let her back without any work, MC, apology, anything. Those are the guys that end up coming back in a while b/c it didn't last. Don't take her back too quickly, and not too easily.
I knew she must be arguing with OM and I don't care. I said grumpy? I am in a fantastic mood see? As I put a massive smile on my face. No come play this game with me so I can kick your butt. Haha.
You surely did not say that out loud to her! Why are you playing a game together and talking about OM being grumpy? What's the deal here?
Can't remember if I mentioned this. I know I said I sprayed my cologne in the room I was in and she moved to. When she went down she txt me
W: wow it smells like a French wh**e house in here
Me: really? How so? Like body wash?
W: no cologne could be body wash tho
Me: weird I put some on this morning
W: ya it just smells like you
That's where I left it. And happily fell asleep on my bed
Hi Tyler,
It seems like you are still very very focused on why she is saying, doing and thinking. I think there are three things you can do right away that can help you. At least it will reduce your pain.
First, zero talk of OM. If she is ready to disrespect you with OM, she needs to do it alone.
Second, pull back and detach from her. You have got to me more focused on how you feel than how she feels. What she feels is not your problem. She fired you from that job.
Third, Are there any goals you can write down that are just for you, so make yourself a better person? Action goals, something we can measure?
Im worried that you seem to think that this is a game. That if you act like XYZ and say ABC and dont do QRS then your W will magically change her mind. It really doesnt work like that. Little "tricks" like the cologne dont really do anything. She can sense it's just a show for her.
Calm down. Stop worrying about HER reactions. Stop talking so much.
Put your focus back on you.
Thank you Mona and Azzork.
Reading what you wrote puts into better perspective how I am approaching this. It does seem like a game when you mention it. And that isn't how I should be handling this.
As for OM talk I told her the other night it is disrespectful to me and she said she understood. When it came up last night I reminded her and she apologized.
Goals.
Focus time and energy on making children's life great. Bs pending more time and attention on them. Helping them cope with any issues in their life and being the parent I want to be for them
Focus on my apprenticeship and schooling right now. Complete my second year with knowlege and have the best grades I can achieve.
Thanks sandi. I know that if she makes any advances I cannot break down. I am not pursuing. And no! I did not ask about the other man at all. Never do. When she made the grumpy men comment I said I am not grumpy I have never been better.
I never realized what I was doing. I felt like I was making great progress. And looking at what has been said I realize that I am playing and thinking about her. I do feel like a lot more focus has been on myself but I see I am getting too close. Thank you
Now I know I am happier because I am focusing on doing stuff for myself that make me happy. At the same time I cannot include her in that. That seems to be te mistake I am making? Though I am trying to detach emotionally I am not distancing myself from her?
Another goal for myself is to get into better shape by eating properly and working out once the gym here finally opens. Weight loss is not a goal. The depression of the sitch did that for me. Working out will be to tighten and tone. Ideally I will find friends who will be willing to come with. Going alone is no problem as well.
Just read your sitch. I liked that you stood up for your 3yo. Could have left out the barb, but it can be hard sometimes.
I see that you're feeling good about your progress detaching. I hope that continues for you.
So far at home tonight she is much more talkative and after having re read sandi's rules and LBH post as well as coach's post. I am approaching it I feel more correctly. Listening listening more. Thinking my responses through and if they are even worth saying to keep it to a minimum. Then focusing on my boys again and what I need to be doing. She is feeling sick so is looking for me to be there to make it ok and that's not my job. It's harder than te last couple days when I was approaching it wrong
The good thing is it hasn't affected my confidence and self worth. Self image or control of myself and emotions
I may have a issue coming up. For the last 5 weeks W has gone away on weekends to see friends or see OM at first it sucked and was really hard to deal with. For the last 2 tho they have been getting better I spent time with the kids and focused on me not what she's doing. So the issue is I don't think she is going away this weekend. And now I am concerned how I am going to handle this. During the week our contact is limited to 20-30 minutes in am and 2-3 hours at night before the boys go to bed and I go do something without her around. So now I may be faced with her for 2 full days and there is only so much I can do away from her.
Also she told me tonight that she has the money for rent from the 15th to 1st. Not unexpected as she has been talking about moving for 2 1/2 months now. And tho I am not panicking that she will potentially be gone in a week. I still don't want her to go. I will miss her. I know I shouldn't worry about her and just focus on self. Still a tough thing coming up tho.
It's hard not to miss someone that's been a major part of your life.
So I realized I totally dismissed her trying to get me to listen when she mentioned having rent money. I said that's fine it's your business and that was that. Then I realized she was looking for me to validate her feeling of excitement and nervousness. She came back later and said she is nervous. So I listened. She explaine she is nervous about the change and how hard it's going to be
Me: I understand it's a big change there is going to be a lot of differences.
W: it's going to be hard ( she is scared)
M: yes it will not be easy and .....
W: ( now angry at me). This is why I don't talk to you. It's gonna be hard! I'm looking for it will be ok
M: ( deep breath first). If I could have finished it will be hard and you have always been a strong smart woman that can get through the hard.
W: that would have been a better place to start instead of your therapist bs.
Me: i came here to listen not anger you by doing so
And I went to bed as did she.
I get she's angry and scared. And that doesn't bother me. What's bothering me is did i do or say something wrong? Should I have not been caring and supportive. Was I not? I realize this was R talk but she came to me. Wtf just happened.
She was trying to get me to just pat her on the back and tell her she will be ok! And I almost fell for it. I feel like I partially did maybe by saying too much
I am just not in favor of the H validating his WW's feelings of nervous excitement about moving out and busting up their family. I may stand alone on this, but it just seems wrong. I mean, the thought of her sharing this with the man she is dumping is pretty cold and rude. I think he should handle it the same way he would if she was telling him she's moving in with OM. Why act like her BFF when she is all excited about leaving you? That's JMHO.
You are not alone with that sentiment sandi!
I am not approaching this right. I trying listen and show I care while changing myself into who who I know I should be. So to me that mean listening to what she had to say. Does the fact i didn't get drawn into a fight and didn't bawl and beg her not to move away at least mean I am stepping in the right direction? I just need to start having better choices as to what I talk about I guess
I am not approaching this right. I trying listen and show I care while changing myself into who who I know I should be. So to me that mean listening to what she had to say. Does the fact i didn't get drawn into a fight and didn't bawl and beg her not to move away at least mean I am stepping in the right direction? I just need to start having better choices as to what I talk about I guess
She's feeling upset at work, shes having trouble with the kids, her car isnt working right, etc - good things to listen and validate about
She's having issues with OM, shes having doubts about moving out, etc - totally disrespectful to you to complain about. Leave that cr@p alone.
So unless it's positive R talk leave it alone
I mean yes talk about bad day. Not feeling well. Hates the snow. But unless it's a positive R talk don't engage. Like I have been thinking about is and maybe this isn't what is right. Engage. But I am scared to move out on my own. I say? I can see how it would be and change topic or walk away?
So unless it's positive R talk leave it alone
I dont know about
positive.
But why would you want to listen to her talk about OM? Why do you want to hear about how she is nervous and excited to leave you?
If she wants to talk about your relationship with her, then you can listen and validate. But thats not what it was yesterday.
Tyler,
I haven't had to deal with my wife moving out or even suggesting it, but I agree with Sandi and Zephyr. My approach would not involve being a nice guy. It's a fine line to walk, but you don't want to come off cold or mean, either.
If she's excited, throw water on her (rhetorically speaking of course). Now if she's nervous about her decision, point out that the "hard times" in this case are all her doing. You are not forcing her out, she is choosing her own path. To me it's important for her to realize that it is her decision to make, that any hardships are because of her decisions, and that you are not trying to control her (ie, you are detached).
That's just my $0.02, and I'm interested to hear what others have to say
No I see that. So what is best way to avoid that? Ignore it? Say. Ya I bet it is and change subject or walk away. Or do I just step up and say I'm sure your concerned about that. And you chose this situation. That said I working in my family and my own needs and that doesn't involve worrying about you leaving me
Validating does not mean being her friend. A friend can listen to the nervous excitement about destroying a family. Not you. You could say (if you feel the need to recognize her feelings)-something like-sounds like you are dealing with a lot, good luck sorting this out but I'm not that interested in discussing this with you. And definitely do not let her tell you about OM other than to say you'd love the op to break his jaw (metaphorically of course). That's my 2 cents
No I see that. So what is best way to avoid that? Ignore it? Say. Ya I bet it is and change subject or walk away. Or do I just step up and say I'm sure your concerned about that. And you chose this situation. That said I working in my family and my own needs and that doesn't involve worrying about you leaving me
Honestly, it's not your job to make her feel comfortable leaving you. And that's pretty much what I would say.
I find it hard not to be there when she wants me to be. I keep repeating to myself this is her choice not mine. I am seeing it is a fine line to walk detaching and still caring and not slipping back into being totally available to her. It just occurred to me she never asks how I am getting along. Why am I concerned?
I find it hard not to be there when she wants me to be. I keep repeating to myself this is her choice not mine. I am seeing it is a fine line to walk detaching and still caring and not slipping back into being totally available to her.
Just stay consistent when you interact with her. If you waffle back and forth you weaken yourself.
It just occurred to me she never asks how I am getting along. Why am I concerned?
It's weird, but pretty normal - they are all wrapped up with what's going on with themselves and are very emotionally selfish. It might change, and it might not. After months of one-way conversation, my wife now asks about what's going on in my life. But i will caution you not to read anything into it if she starts asking about you. It DOES NOT necessarily mean she's starting to get her feelings for you back
Tyler,
I know it feels like the most important thing in the world is exactly what and how you say things to her. Valid arguments can be brought forth for supporting her because she is reaching out to you as a friend on a fear she has, and showing strength by not allowing her to disrespect you.
I want to suggest you turn your back on the whole argument. It does not matter right now if you are nice or mean. It does not matter what you show her right now. There is absolutly nothing you can do or say to change her in any way right now. By worrying so much how she will react, you are making this last longer for yourself.
The way you feel will drastically change when you put in the blood, sweat and tears it takes to keep your focus solely on you. You have some fan-freaking-tastic goals and things going on in your life that have nothing to do with her. Obsess about them.
I know you are not 100% there yet, so here are a few words of advice to get you through, but the following paragraph should not matter to you if you can get the focus on you.
You do not need to be cold, mean, happy, dull quiet or anything towards her. Treat her like you would treat your next door neighbor, but dont allow her to talk to you about OM or moving. Change the subject or walk away if they come up. Talk happily to her about your life or hers and just when the conversations are getting good, leave to do something important for you. Leave her wanting more, be mysterious.
I can tell from your posts that you are going to get the hang of this, I promise. Please, please dont read my post as criticism. You are brave and strong for just being here, fighting the good fight for the most important thing in your world, your marriage. If I did not believe you could do this, I would not have bothered saying any of it. You can master this with a lot of practice and patience.
Thank you Sandi, Azzork, Scidad and Mona for your advice and input on my sitch thoughts and feelings. This is no where near as easy as it seemed at first. As u was approaching this wrong. I do want to stand up and walk away from talks. I guess we. Conversation starts. If it's something i don't want to hear about or discuss. No matter how hard it is not to support and show I care I can't. It becomes about her at that point. She will get angry and hurt that I am not available like I used to be. She chose this tho. That she didn't want me to be that person. And she may or may not miss the fact that I was. ( I have a feeling she does). At the same time. It can't be my concern whether she cares or not.
Side note ( I am very happy to continue the discussion we have been having) so looking for advice on plans I have for tonight. There is a local ski hill that is open in re evenings making it great for a person that is busy all day. I have always loved snow boarding and am planning on going more this year starting tonight if everything can work out , mostly child care. So the issue now becomes W. She also enjoys it and I believe she will be home tonight. Do I ask if she would like to come? That I feel not as favourable. Do I say I'm going to the hill and if she asks to come do I say sure? Or do I say no this is for me. I plan on going either way if I can. But if she asks to join do I deny her or accept her company?
I would just go and tell her youre going "out". Dont invite her. Dont tell her where youre going.
Maybe you'll be lucky like me, she'll say something or do something, and something inside you will simply click and turn off. I suspect after the disaster of my WW's 1st A ending caused her to get desperate, and she immediately sought another fix. Catching her in a lie, something snapped and made her very unattractive, even repulsive to me. I now desire no contact, no friendship, no emotional validation whatsoever from her. A place I had thought I may not be for awhile. But right now, atm, my emotions for her have suddenly shut off, and my daughter and me is all I care about.
If you want to go, go and make sure you have the most fun you have ever had in your life. That is 100% in your control. I would not invite her. This will be your first baby step of GAL without her. she will see you moving forward.
If you make it the most fun you have ever had, then tomorrow, your brain wont stop thinking of it. That will leave way less time to stress over what she is thinking.
You can do this! Go have fun!
I don't plan on asking her to come with. So what do I do when she asks where I'm going. Out for awhile I'll be back later or at x time? If I say boarding and she indicates she wants to come do I let her or say no
Try to avoid her. If you can't, just say you're going to the hill, see you later.
Try to leave without her knowing. Leave a note and say I'll be home by X, don't wait up for me. And she'll notice soon enough that your board is missing, or that when you come home, it's got snow on it or whatever.
And go out with friends afterwards, and come home late!
The issue I have with just walking out is my 2 boys at home with us. Not that she can't handle them. So it's a little harder to me to just walk out the door and because it's not just her and I. Also I can see her just packing them up and taking them to visit for the weekend out of spite for me going out. Like a 20% chance of that.
I know how I can handle that tho. Because if she is planning on heading out again like she always does it will be right after work. And I should be able to get the boys to bed and still have a few hours to get out to the hill. Again I dont get upset anymore that she goes but my kids don't need to be exposed to her bouncing them arou. When the stability they have always known is in our house
I talked to my therapist on the phone today. And she is in total agreement with everything I have been advised to do here and happy with how I am handling this
Problem solved. Not going boarding tonight as a friend let me know there is a group going out so I'm gonna do that! Then tomorrow maybe board or take S3 and teach him to ski or board! Sounds like a great day to me!
Not everyone will go listen or enjoy this. But justin bieber love yourself Heard it today and to me it's a great DB song
Need clarification. In DB with WS we are to acknowledge they are taking their path and U.S. Ours. We cannot say anything to alter their path or choice. At the same time detach yet care and support. So in my sitch W potentially had a call for a job interview where she is moving to how do I approach this if she brings it up? The same as the moving talk i posted about earlier? I'm glad you got an interview. And leave it at that. Or add that I don't feel the need to talk about how your plans to leAve me are going?
Well that talk happened before I could get advice and I f' in nailed it! I had to go to her work to switch vehicles to pick up the boys from day care.
w: I got a job interview tomorrow!
Me: glad to hear that
W: it's exciting Be excited for me
Me: it's good you got an interview. I'm not going to be excited about what's going on with your plans involving leaving me.
She was taken aback and just kind of mumbled leaving you. And then asked me how my day was. I told her it went well and told a short 45 second funny story about that day.
She mentioned getting her nails done by a friend tonight to which I said ok. I am going out tonight so you will need to all babysitter.
Then she said she was sorry she didn't ask if I had plans earlier in the day.
then we talked about what to do for supper and I said sounds good I'm off to get the boys.
Funny how when things are going good for you your S can drag you back down.
Before I started DB I was desperate and searching for anything to help me out. During that time I was talking to her family which didn't help at all. And a friend of hers. Tonight that friend told her I talked to her and I heard all about it. And how I am such a gem. I am out with friends having fun and start getting blasted with texts. I owned it. Ya I talked to her. I was in a desperate place. And that's where it ended. I was tempted to say I am past all that petty stuff and don't need to talk to the people close to you for myself. I am much happier focusing n my kids and myself than worrying what I can do to make you happy