Starting thread number 6...
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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2559138#Post25591382nd thread
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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2601838#Post2601838So, seems there is no point in second discernment session. H told counselor that he is too hurt by my actions to kick him out of house and file for D. Said he was hurt seeing more D paperwork this week. I just don't undestand. H told her he had hoped to see if could live at home and see if we could work stuff out.
While having A. In our home. Someone please make me understand or make sense of this. I am feeling like I made mistake by filing and setting boundary, but I know I can't think that way.
Per the C, appointment still stands and up to me if I want to keep it. We would I guess just talk about moving forward with peaceful D. Not sure there is any point and feel like just I should just cancel. Should I keep? If not, any thoughts for what to say in text to H? I am sure this will just be another way I am choosing to not saving M.
Honestly BT, It looks like he is playing a victim here...you were the one to file.
Sure he was cheating on you, disrespecting you and your marriage...but you were the one who wouldn't work on your marriage and packed up his $hit and pit it in the garage like a hideous monster. Couldn't find the sarcasm font
You did what you thought you had to. It is easy to second guess later. It was emotionally charged. I don't judge on eight or wrong cause God only knows I've made more mistakes than I would like to admit.
Yes, that was my first thought as well. I am sure that is his story with everyone right now. I think it was a waste of time and I should have never setup the first session to begin with. Not sure what I was thinking, but I guess it was an act of desperation and totally not DB approved. He clearly is still broken and I cannot fix him. When will I ever learn.
Time to fall forward. I am pretty much in NC at this stage other than the session last week and I handled myself well. Time to hop back on the bike.
Need to get out if this funk and feeling sorry for myself. I realized this morning that H is trying to manipulate me through counselor with his words and I am letting it work. He is trying to make me take on the guilt for his actions and choices which have led to where we are today. I was seriously starting to think that this is all my fault and that I sealed the deal by filing. No I did not. I am the one who continues to look inward, learn, make significant changes, go to IC, etc. I know that I have not done the best with all of the DB process, but who does. I have spent too much time the last few weeks focusing back on H and it only has served to let be fall back. You live, you learn.
I lived with what I could and stood up for what I could not. I am sorry that because of his A, H cannot seem to see the hundreds of things I contributed to him and our M out of love and care. One day when the OW is no longer in the picture and he is alone in his lifted fog, he will wake up to realize the magnitude of what he has done. Maybe it will before D, maybe it will be years from now. I cannot control his growth or journey. I need to let it go and keep moving forward and working on me. Part of my growth will be forgiving myself for my part in the failure of my M and getting over the fact I gave up having my own children out of a sacrifice for H. The first one will be especially hard. I do know that the new BT will make someone a great spouse one day, whoever that might be.
Plans to have drinks tonight with one of the other women from bootcamp. Tomorrow I have IC, which I badly need this week, hair appointment on Saturday, And who knows what else. Last nights board meeting went great and I look forward to some of the things we are planning this next year. Off for my morning walk.
BT, these are great insights and very similar to my situation, although H no longer actively blames me. We don't actually talk that much.
In weaker moments I think maybe I filed for a separation too quick, which pushed him to file for D. But he was preparing for it all along. And I had to set boundaries. You are doing the right thing. Don't let him mess with your head.
I have confesses my wrongdoing in the marriage to God and ask for his forgiveness. For me that is all that counts, although I have to keep reminding myself of it.
Walking and drinks with friends both bring great healing.
Just back from walk and feeling I understand where I am getting stuck with DB other than detaching.
As I mention a few posts back, one of my emotional triggers is not feeling listened to. Like my voice has not been heard and I keep pushing until it is. I guess I am stuck at feeling since BD that my side of the story or feelings are not being heard with H. I keep wanting to get through to him or have the opportunity to say my part as somehow that would make a difference. The problem is he is not in a place to hear me. Maybe if I did not have that as a trigger, I would have given up on trying to rationalize with him sooner. I have to come to accept that our M may end without him ever truly hearing me. I struggle with this. Just want someone to understand me. I had my chance many years before BD to share and I didn't because I had shutdown.
BT I am just starting to get caught up on your story. I feel the same way- I feel sad he doesnt realize how many things I did do out of love. But you know how much you contributed, and he most likely will realize one day.
its great that you've realized that he's not in a place to hear you. Every time I tried to make him hear my side, or tried to show him that I contributed, I get a cold, canned response that makes me feel worse. He manages to acknowledge without really acknowledging.
Also, he's hurt that you kicked him out and filed for divorce? The divorce paperwork hurts his feelings? He had an affair, and lied to you for months. My response to him would have been "give me a break," although it goes against DBing. Don't allow him to make you second guess yourself.
Ok, going to cancel next weeks couseling session. Thoughts on text below:
Dear H,
I wanted to let you know I have made the really hard decision to go ahead and cancel next weeks couseling session. Per our C, you are only attending for me. While I really appreciate this gesture, I truly wanted this to be a learning opportunity for the both us.
BT
Hi BT, I would say a little less.
Dear H
I decided to cancel our joint therapy session next week. I'll continue seeing an IC, but don't want us to see anyone together just now.
Take care, BT
Ok, going to cancel next weeks couseling session. Thoughts on text below:
Dear H,
I wanted to let you know I have made the really hard decision to go ahead and cancel next weeks couseling session. Per our C, you are only attending for me. While I really appreciate this gesture, I truly wanted this to be a learning opportunity for the both us.
BT
I'm not sure I would do that... Why cut off communication?
Well, since H is adamant he wants D, she wants to focus on being amicable during D process and closure. I am not sure that is a good idea. Won't that just reaffirm D is inevitable and right path??
I think you could handle those issues on your own.
BT, I agree with Painter. This morning, you came to a realization that so many of us struggle with. H cannot hear you right now; however, now that you know that, you will stop trying to be heard. THAT takes some pressure (unspoken, but alive) off your H. It is a HUGE step in detachment. You may find your counseling begins to take a turn for the better!
H will actually begin to feel that you're stepping back from him. When the spouse senses the pressure is off, the R dynamics begin to change. I wouldn't cancel the counseling at all. I'd go back with my brand new attitude and see what happens.
My situation didn't begin to change until I no longer pinned any hope on reconciliation. I still don't, but I'm willing to go to counseling to see what other changes are in store now that I'm fine either way. Best case scenario? We manage to work out our problems and build a new marriage. Worst case scenario, we continue with the divorce. I'm going to be fine either way at this point...but, what if?
I'm willing to go because of the "what if".
You've
just arrived at one of the most important realizations a LBS can grasp. Your entire attitude is going to change. It's worth continuing counseling at this point just to observe the changes in your relationship dynamics now that the pressure is off to have him hear you. If positive changes occurs, you can address your need to be heard later, once you guys are on solid ground, if that is what happens.
I hope this helps
i see what you're saying, and I understand not wanting to go. But if he is that adamant about a D, do you think that not going will improve the situation between the two of you?
Could these sessions create an environment where you can make yourself heard?
Oops nevermind, Ancaire's advice sounds much better.
Ok, seems opinion is split. I just worry that it is still pursing in a way. He did tell her is willing to go for me. I just don't want to hurt things any further.
So, just received final order dates. Looks like at earliest D would be mid-to-late April. So 6.5 months to DB and for A to end. If I decide I want H back that is.
Ok, seems opinion is split. I just worry that it is still pursing in a way. He did tell her is willing to go for me. I just don't want to hurt things any further.
I feel like you heard something you didn't like, so you react emotionally and abruptly by shutting down. It reminds me of the common urge to make a big decision as a reaction to pain, or to end uncertainty.
If he's willing to go for you, how is that a negative?
Painter, I have decided to go since H is willing. Maybe it helps us start conversing again and helps him soften his edge. H does not contact me and I do not contact him. I have not heard anything from him since a necessary/ business text I had to send a week and a half ago. It has been so much better with him out of the house as I feel I have been able to finally detach more. For the past month, I have been doing really good with DB. Any interaction on my part has been light and friendly. I feel like I can breathe again!!
I will say, even though I am not ready to date, I have kept my mind off H by wondering about who the guy I saw at the wine bar this week is. I have seen him around the area a couple of times lately. Does that count as GAL??? I also feel like my self-esteem has had a big boost this week. One if the guys from bootcamp told the female friend I went out with this week to tell me he thinks I am beautiful and my H is a fool. You know what, he is right!! As most LBS' my esteem took a big hit after BD. Hearing kind words from others certainly helps you to start believing in yourself again.
Off to get my hair done!
BT13
It sounds like you are making a great turning point and the fact that you are thinking about another guy shows some serious detachment. Is it too soon to go on a casual date, just for more of an ego boost and some conversation with the opposite sex?
Good for you, BT!
How did your hair turn out? I need to do something with mine, but it's so short I hate to mess with it. I did my version of a Britney this summer when I cut my waist length hair into a short stacked bob. I loved it for a while. But guess what OW has that I no longer do? Long, thick hair...
I hate the damage to my self-esteem most of all. I can be a train wreck at times...lol
Ancaire, I'm sure your hair looks amazing. It takes guts to go from super long to short in one sitting.
Ancaire, I must say, my hair turned out beautiful!! I really did not change it much, but I am in the process of growing it out long. Only a few more inches to go. Just nice and freshened up for fall.
Julie, I am actually thinking more and more about going out on a casual date. It is no longer giving me the sense or feeling that I was cheating on my H. I deserve to have someone treat me with love and respect. Deep down I know that my H feels like I did not treat him this way, which I don't disagree with. However, I am not perfect and the way he went about dealing with it is unacceptable.
-----------------------------
Just a bit of an update. Happy antiversary to me. 13 years today. I have been dreading today for the past few weeks. I was a little emotional last night, but I am doing ok so far today. H stopped by unannounced last night, which totally caught me off guard. I did not look the greatest because I was in the middle of baking pear and fig filled cardamom cupcakes (yum!) for a party tonight, but the house smelled warm and delicious!! My H always loved my cooking and baking. I am actually quite good---professional level. It is one of my talents I guess.
I was a bit irked that he just waltzed in without at least knocking. I could have had someone over or something. Need to figure out how to address this. I was not really engaged with him, but was friendly enough. I probably gave off the feeling that I was indifferent to see him, but I guess because I kind of was. He is not looking great. Tired and worn out is what I see. Where on the other hand I feel I am looking better than ever, even with flour all over me.
So, tonight I have party with old work colleagues, Thursday we have our counseling session, then I am off to Austin for ACL this weekend. So I have lots going on. Next week I am out on business until Wednesday and have happy hour on Friday. Hoping I see the mystery man again. Maybe it is time to start working on my flirting skills again!! Basically, the rest of the month I am booked, do GAL is off the charts right now.
BT, my 13th anniversary was last month. It's tough day but once it's over you'll never had to do it again.
Maybe you should change your locks. I did. Not that my H wants to come over at all, but it's was an emotional boundary for me.
Have a great day.
I had to laugh at your freudian typo - "antiversy". I think you may have coined a new term.
Seriously, it must be very hard. I have had so many years of difficult anniversaries and other 'special days' with H through the years that my expectations are through the basement.
I'm glad to hear that you had a nice haircut and enjoyed yourself baking. It's definitely a great GAL activity showing H that you're not sitting around moping!
Do you really feel ready to date? I understand the temptation, but it seems really early...
No, don't really feel ready to date, but going out and enjoying myself my girlfriends and flirting with a good looking man might be ok.
Oh, and credit for antiversary I believe goes to Zeus. I think he came up with that one.
I stole that from someone else. Was it Elly? Can't remember now. Either way, glad you made it through BT.
Hi BT! I just got caught up on your sitch again. What an amazing job you are doing! The realization that he's not in a place to hear you is hard, but so very freeing at the same time.
I'll try to stay more current now that I'm finally getting used to being back at work.
E
Ps. I totally agree with Painter about dating. Flirting is a different matter though.
Hi, BT
How did counseling go?
Elly and Painter,
Thanks for checking in. I am sitting at airport waiting to head home. It has been a crazy but fun week of personal time and work. I am exhausted and feeling like I am coming down with a cold. I was treated like a VIP the past weekend and it was amazing.
I left Friday, so could not post before heading out of town. The session was really a waste of time. H has his mind made up that he wants to proceed with D and continues to play the victim. He said he has just continued to detach. Same old story that my kicking him out hurt him too much and my filing was last straw. He sees no way back and there is nothing about me he sees wanting to go back to. Don't want to be with someone who feels that way about me. I know don't believe anything that they say, but his actions show no change.
I think I have finally dropped the rope and don't really care or think I want him back. I honestly have thought very little about him the past few weeks. I have just been busy trying to move forward with my life.
C has us each write down our contributions to destruction of M. Mine was a list of at least 15 things. H had four listed. When he read them to me it did not feel heart felt and I even felt he tried to negate them. H did list A as one, so probably the closest I will ever get to him acknowledging that was wrong. There was no apology, though later he did sent TM response to mine telling him thanks for going and that it meant a lot to me. His response said he was sorry I was hurting so much and he knows most of it is because of him. He also keeps saying I am martied to our vows, not him. Also, that The blame him for everything, which is actually quite the opposite. It is just the same tape playing over and over.
I just need to continue focusing on me and I still have lots of work to do. I have quite a few GAL activities coming up, so I look forward to those. H and I have agreed to start going through the household items. We are going to do 1-2 rooms at a time so it is not overwhelming. Hope to stick with DB during those interactions.
BT...I wish I had words of wisdom. My H thinks his contribution to the breakdown of our R is that he is a poor communicator. Seriously. I'm waiting for MC to bring up my
real opinion of what he's done to help get us off in a ditch.
This DBing is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I wish none of us ever had to do it. I pray often for all the hurting people on this site - I just don't know how else to help.
Just dropped by to say hi, and see how you're doing.
Been down for the count the past 3.5 days due to a bad cold. Stress, lack of sleep, allergies, and too much having finally got to me. Starting to feel better and should be back to exercising tomorrow. I still managed to get in 2-3 miles of walking, but I need at least a few days of high intensity workouts to help manage stress.
Today I watch a tear-jerker and cried like a big baby through the whole movie. Between my cold and the movie I think I went through a box of Kleenex in a couple of hours. The movie just ended up making me feel like a failure with my M. Thought I had found that special someone that I would be with to the end and just realized that at some point my H decided I was no longer special to him. That is the part of the A that cuts the deepest. I try to stop and take a look from my H's perspective anytime I start to dwell in my hurt. So, I did/do acknowledge that not maintaining a healthy and active sex life made my H feel insignificant. Had moments of longing for reconciliation, but H is not in a place he is healthy enough for that. Not to mention that I think he has let himself detach so much that he sees no way back. Makes me angry at myself that I still contemplate this. I am sure being stuck at home and sick helped this thought process.
Next week I have a Meetup and a happy hour with friends. Plan to get back on track with eating and sleeping properly. Like others, I need a serious revisit of my goals this week as well so I can refocus. Just feel I have been stretched too thin and have taken my eye off of the ball.
I do need opinions. My H wants to finish working on one of the bathrooms. This project was started last February and has just been dormant the entire year as he was preoccupied with OW. It is torn all apart at this stage. He wants to finish it because it will affect the appraisal on the house. Since I want to buy him out of the house, I have incentive to say no. I bought all of the supplies ( he wasn't really working fulltime last year) for the remodel and they are here in the house. I would just have to pay someone to come in and do it. I think that would be much less than added appraisal value. Any thoughts on how to respond that is DB worthy? At this point I have just said we need to discuss it further. Am I being an a$$ for even thinking of saying no??
Sorry you weren't feeling well...glad your getting better.
I see no reason why he can't work on things.. It is still his house too.
Hell he might even be looking for an excuse to do things for you or try to start on a road home... IDK.
I know that for a while, I was so pissed at my wife cause my needs were not being met, I stopped finishing things. It was part of the whole keeping score scenario with expectations. Part of me fixing myself was trying to male sure.I followed through with things I said I would do.
Yes, I knew right after I posted what the right thing to do with regards to the bathroom. No allowing it would be out of bitterness. I don't want to be that kind of XW.
Glad!
You can take this as an opportunity for you to show your growth and compassion
And on the plus side, you get a new bathroom!
Take the new bathroom for free
I'm sorry you are feeling blue. Get well soon
BT - your comment about bitterness hit home. My L told me how proud he is of me as his client because I have carried myself with grace and dignity through out this whole process when I never wanted it in the first place. Choose grace over bitterness, it's much more attractive
This, for the reminder EP. For the most part I think I have done well. I just slip up every once in a while and need a 4 x 4. Good on you for taking the high road!!
I see I'm the odd woman out... I would hire someone to get it done to avoid uncomfortable interactions and arguments, and just say, 'No, you shouldn't have to do that in this situation'. But it's a good point that rejecting his offer could be a bad thing. I hope it will go smoothly and it won't be upsetting to you!
Glad you're feeling better. No wonder you got sick from all this stress and travel!
Painter, he plans to do the majority of it while I am away visiting my family in Chicago for Thanksgiving, so I should not have to worry about that so much.
Looking forward to tonight. Things are finally speeding up with my arts committee. We are going to discuss which educational art grants we want to give to schools in the community.
Sounds like a good plan.
And your committee sounds like a lot of fun!
So things are going well for me other than this annoying cold that will not go away. I have been keeping myself super busy with GAL.
*Last Monday agreed on grant funding for some wonderful art projects for the public schools in the community.
*Hosted my 4th Meetup on Thursday. My Meetup group is up to 70 members!
*Went out for HH on Friday with some girlfriends.
*Did some fall yard work and cleaning over the weekend.
*Last night went to another Meetup to listen to some Bluegrass in a pub and met some single women I would be keen to be friends with.
*This afternoon Unstart my art class and have a committee meeting.
Have not initiated any contact with H other than sent TM about some necessary finance stuff and about requesting that he please communicate if he is taking things from house. So I am pretty much in NC right now. I also responded to an email from him about wanting to watch the dog while I am away for Thanksgiving and work on the bathroom. I said happy for him to take the dog and that we need to discuss bathroom further. Mostly because I think we still need a few supplies to finish the job. I was pleasant but firm in all exchanges. No response back about the dog or bathroom. He really does not try to communicate with me at all since I filed, which is sad. Kind of hard to work on showing changes when there is virtually NC.
I do miss him and still think about him each day. I have a hard time with the fact that after 14 years that he treats me as if I don't exist. I know absolutely zero about his life right now and I don't ask. I mean I know I had my issues for sure, but to walk away with no effort. I don't know that I will ever understand how someone can do that. While I have made huge strides since BD, I still have some really sad days. For whatever reason, especially the past two weeks.
One of the women I meet last night who is divorced, told me about how her H cheated on her with her BF. Double betrayal! They divorced and he married her BF. That ended up in D too. He did eventually express regret and remorse to her. I wonder if I will ever get that from my H. He is pretty stubborn, so I don't see him having a change of heart and trying to work on M after he has been so adamant it is over.
Other than that, I finished my financial disclosures. H's lawyer said to my L that H was going to come in this week to start working on settlement proposal. Not sure how as we have not done appraisal on house. We also still need to go through home items. H is making no effort to start process. Should I start pushing this since I filed or let him take initiative? He seems to bring pushing through on D paperwork, but nothing that involves dual work/ communication.
Looking Great BT on the GAL!!!
Wish you luck with the rest.
And yes, he WILL regret losing you. period. how or if he ever would express it to you or in any way is a matter of his pride / shame.
You certainly know how to GAL!
It's good to keep busy, but I'm not surprised that you hurt and have bad days.
I can't understand how people can move on like they do, either. I'm in a place where I'm feeling ready to let H go, and it *still* hurts terribly! I guess running as fast as you can is another way of trying to cope with the pain? Maybe he's thinking that NC and rushing the D will bring him out on the other side faster. There has to be an element of denying one's own feelings in there.
When it comes to what to do or not to do on your part, I guess you should just look at what benefits you the most. If it's in your own interest to let more time pass, let him do it.
Wow, I has been almost a month since I have posted. To be honest it has been nice to spend some time away from being so focused on this. Seems as though time has been flying by and can't believe it has now been eight and a half months since BD.
Very little to report about H. It has been a month and a half since we have had a conversation and that was at the last counseling session. Any communication has been by text, which has been very little and all initiated by H. His last text was a couple of weeks ago asking about whether I took care of the sprinkler system. I was pleasant, but to the point that I took care of it. I have thought about trying to reach out on a couple of occasions, but always end up opting not to, so I am still in NC. I am pretty detached at this stage, but it is hard not to be when there is zero interaction. I have been fully dropped by H as if I no longer exist, and if I am honest, it does hurt if I think about it too much. It does cause moments of questioning my self-worth and I have to fight against those feelings and remember this is about H and his crisis more than me being a horrible person. I just don't understand why he does not try to talk to me at all. Even to discuss D stuff.
As for me, I am doing ok. I was sick with a lingering cold that lasted about 5 weeks, so that put a damper on GAL. I also fell into a bit of a depressive state during that time, but I am starting to get out of my funk. I just did not feel like doing anything. I think it was a mix of the bending holidays, being sick, winter like weather, and work challenges. I went to a fun party this weekend and had a great time. I have had multiple people say that they have noticed that since all of this happened I have more light in me, am more fun to be around, that I am looking great, and my personality is showing more. Thank you DB!! Other than that, I have been working on some deep cleaning of the house, purging some things, organizing, and rearranging furniture. Must say things look great.
H's L sent over a settlement proposal to my L today. Just made me irritated looking at the numbers. My L said we can delay until after the holidays, which I agreed to. I don't want to deal with it all now since the added emotions with the holiday might make it hard to stay rational. I am sure that will not make H happy, but I need to stay focused on my mental and emotional well-being.
I have also been debating what to do with inlaws and the holidays. I opted to do the nice/right thing and put a Thanksgiving card in the mail today even though I have not heard one word from them since I filed, which I find hurtful. I have known these people for 14 years. We were not close, but we were friendly. I guess that is what D does.
I'll try and get caught up on everyone's threads this week. Off to Indiana on Wedneday to see my parents and brother, so looking forward to spending time back at home. Have a great Thanksgiving everyone!
Good to hear from you BT. I'm not posting much right now either but am still following some sitches even if I'm just lurking. Definitely wanted to say hello.
It takes time for sure. Wow, I am 17 months in now. And while I've been detached from STBX for quite a while now, there is a difference between being detached and reaching acceptance. I have still been fighting through an awful lot of pain, sadness, regret, disillusionment, anger, fear, stress, and cynicism. The good news is that I'm making progress on those fronts and am much closer to the point where I am truly ok where I am. Not faking it until I make it. Not choosing to be positive and appreciative while I'm bleeding inside. But actually being good with where I'm at. Not being glad for the D either, I didn't say that. But just ok with the life I've been given.
Check out my post. I'll have to update it and tell people about the outcome. But it was a pretty cool experience. Very profound. The funny part is that my hypnotist had some scented oils I could choose from for our session. She said I should try one called "forgiveness" and that it would be good for me. I asked her if she had any bottles of "burn in hell". It was pretty hysterical. Maybe you had to be there.
Anyway, keep on this road. I know 9 months in it got easier for me to cope...but it gets easier to actually heal. The hardest part for me was that part of me wanted to hold on to the pain because I thought letting it go was endorsing divorce. Now I realize they are two different things. Glad you're feeling healthier. Hang in and check in again.
Hi BT, good to hear from you! And glad you're finally over the cold, wouldn't be surprised if it had a lot to do with the stress levels you've experienced.
I think your decision to postpone the paperwork and money discussions until after the holidays is a good one, not just in itself, but because it shows that you prioritize yourself and your emotional well-being.
Enjoy your time with family, it's a good time to have those who love you most, near.
I'm on a slow rollercoaster with H, it seems. Every time I think it's over and that he has no feelings for me and is just cake-eating, he seems to sense it and makes an effort to get things back on track. Still not sure if this is the kind of R I want, but I'm giving him every chance...
It seems that the gal is so important I am still putting way to much time and effort into trying to save my marriage and time and effort Ito my wife I think I should call her my ex wife
I hope everyone in DB land had a great Thanksgiving. I have been having a wonderful time with my family. Lots of eating, shopping, conversation, etc. very little focus on my H, which has made getting through the first major holiday without H fairly bearable.
Just before Thanksgiving, H had sent me text question about watching dog. I had some questions for him as well, so opted to try something different and called him to respond/ask my questions versus texting. I needed to know about his car mileage and a couple of other things. He seemed annoyed with that decision and was combative. I stayed pleasant and ended call before he could get to me. He made a comment to the affect of "you called for that?" Sent text to him afterward that I was sorry that asking some simple questions seemed to bother him. I should have ignored it. He then asked follw up question in text about why I asked about mileage, which I did not bother to answer.
So, if you all recall, H decided that over Thanksgiving while I was going to be away, that he wanted to watch the dog and finish off the bathroom that he tore apart over a year ago while he was unemployed. I received text from him on Thanksgiving pointing out that I did not respond to his previous text the evening before and then asked me about bid I had received for someone to finish off bathroom. There was no acknowledgement that it was actually Thanksgiving, so I responded by first saying I hoped he was enjoying Thanksgiving with his family and to tell his parents I said Happy Thanksgiving in the event they had not received my card I had sent. He completely ignored this and did not bother to make any sort of similar gesture toward me and my family. Also, have not received any acknowledgement of card from his parents either. Nice. Apparently, H still has lots of anger and hostility towards me by the way he is acting.
Anyway, later on Thanksgiving H sent text asking if I will now split cost to have someone finish bathroom. Clearly he is still too busy with his career and OW to finish like he proposed a few weeks ago. I sent response that I would get back to to him when I am back from my trip. I am torn on what to do. I really to don't want to spend more money since I already paid for the $2000 plus in supplies and materials since he was not working when theses things were purchased. He has been given ample time to finish (soon to be over a year), but opted to focus his free time when he was not working on having affair. Plus, this will affect appraisal that could work in my favor to afford keeping house/buying him out. Any thoughts on how to deal with this latest request?
Hello BT,
I am in no way experienced to help answer your question about the bathroom remodel... Just wanted to pop in and say kudos to you for making it through thanksgiving! It was also my first holiday without h and it was tough, but bearable too.
Actually, from a newbie perspective, I think it was brave of you to try something new and make the call vs text. To me it shows confidence! And it changes the environment a bit! I think you are right though... Following up with the im sorry text may not have been necessary. Anyway- keep on keeping on! Have a great rest of the day.
Bt
Glad you had a nice holiday!
At this point, do what will benefit you the most. If keeping the house is important to you, do what you have to do to make it happen. This is my new motto "I love you but I love myself more".
Not sure why, but have not really been feeling like posting lately. I have been popping in to read other threads, but for the most part staying quiet. Just don't feel I have a ton of advice to offer others right now.
Feyth, Painter, Zues, and Julie thanks for posting. Received a barrage of texts on Monday from H starting with one inquiring if got back as he was worried about the dog if I didn't. Told him yes and thanks for watching the dog. The next TM was about getting back to him when I had a moment about the contractor for bathroom and a slew of others that were not really asking anything, so I decided not to respond to them. Seemed like he was trying to be chatty and nice in them and even said welcome home.
A few days later, after much deliberation, I sent text to indicating I did not want to pay for someone to finish bathroom. I said that I did not want the extra expense right now, which is the truth. Plus, I said he had been so adamant that he wanted to do the work, so I was confused as to what changed. I left it open for him to finish the work. Have not received a response, which is fine. I feel good about my decision. It is what is right for me.
Been busy this week with bootcamp, a night out to celebrate a friend's birthday, hitting the gym, doing a bit of cleaning and decorating for Christmas. I had packed up about 5 boxes of H's books and had put them in spare bedroom thinking he would take them last week, but he just left them here. Going to slowly start packing up some of his other stuff.
Oh, and the best thing I have been doing this week was planning for a trip to Hawaii in March. Mom wants us to go for her birthday, so that gives me something to look forward to in the future. 11 days is the sun!!
Tomorrow, I am heading off for one last work trip. Looking forward to it being done so that next weekend is here and I can go get my Christmas tree, do some Christmas shopping, and baking. Feeling on the up these days, though I do still get teary eyed now and again. Darn family, feel good holiday commercials.
Hi BT,
Sounds like you are very self-contained and appropriately disengaged.
i understand not posting - sometimes I have to take a breather from it all, too.
Comedies (and not romantic ones) is the safe way to go... It helps to laugh!
Just thought I would check in. Part of me is so ready for Christmas to be over, but at the same time am looking forward to 11 days off starting next Thursday. Thanksgiving was just much less emotional, but there were less reminders of H. It has been hard not thinking of what H and I would we would normally be doing. The songs, parties, food, shopping, putting up the tree...none of it has the same joy this year. I am not miserable, but just over emotional and finding that I am having too many irrational thoughts that H is going to have a last minute change of heart. I truly do miss many parts of him. Guess that is all normal.
I have been doing good with staying busy and GAL. Last week I had trip to work HQ, happy hour with Bootcamp folks and some Christmas shopping. I even bought some anti-stress coloring books and gave started using them. I have also been consistently getting my exercise, which is helping my moods greatly. This week, I have a board meeting, lunch with a former boss, and a night out planned.
All of my GAL must be paying off because I keep getting wonderful compliments how happy I seem and how great I am looking these days. I do feel I look and act more youthful/energetic since BD. I am also finding I much more engaged and talkative with people. I have a tendency to be closed off and I am learning becoming much more open. Lots of good changes happening and people are starting to take noticing!!
As for H, not a peep for two weeks. His lack of communication certainly has helped with detaching. That being said, I do find myself going down a cheeseless tunnel wondering why so many WAS seem to try and maintain contact while mine has seemingly gone NC. I realize the alternative has its own challenges. I am not sure why it bothers me so much, but I guess I am still taking it too personally as further rejection and abandonment. I keep having to remind myself it is not about me, but some days it is easier to believe than others. Even though there are still some really $h!t days, I am really starting to appreciate how strong I have stayed throughout this whole ordeal. I am a very tenacious and resilient person and those traits have really come in handy over the past 9 months. Progress.
It's amazing what we can endure, isn't it. I was thinking about it yesterday, how emotionally resilient I am.
I hope your holidays will bring you joy and good times with friends and family. Maybe it's the year to start a new tradition? Do something completely different? Make sure to pamper yourself thoroughly, you have deserved it!
BT-
Be proud of what you have accomplished for yourself. Even people are taking notice about your new demeanor! That's great progress! Soak it up!
Hi BT! I took a break too. You have made tremendous progress and it shows not just to us, but to people out in RL. Good for you! Just keep reminding yourself about that. If you notice that it's been awhile since H texted, think "Yea! Now I have more time for me!"
E
Painter, Feyth, and E, thanks as always for your words of encouragement, I am amazed by the strength of EVERYONE on this board, especially those with children.
Emotions are still running high on this end, but I think that is to be expected with the holidays and the natural reflection period that comes with the ending of one year and beginning of a new one. Brings up lots of self examination of my role in the destruction of my M and reliving of everything that transpired thus last year. A lot of what ifs being asked of myself. what if I approached things better and differently after DB. I know I have apologized many times to my H, but need to start working on forgiving myself as I find I can start to put too much responsibility on me. I have to remind myself it took two of us to get here.
I have been trying to balance it out with more frequent workouts. I have Hawaii to help motivate no to get rid of the last 30 lbs. Our Bootcamp leader us in Mexico, so I have had to self motivate to get to the rec center. I made it there 4 days last week and I am on pace for 5 days this week.
I have plans to go out for drinks tomorrow night with someone from bootcamp who lost her H to unexpected death a few years ago. She still struggles with grieving, so she was happy to go out for a drink. I don't have any plans for Xmas day but to hangout with my dog and cook a nice meal. I plan to go for long walk and maybe to the movies. I think that day will be really hard as I will be acutely reminded that this sitch/D has taken away my local family. It is times like this I wish I lived closer to my family. I did send all my in laws Xmas cards, but don't expect anything in return.
H's lawyer sent email to mine about settlement proposal. I had already told my L what I wanted to do though he acted like I didn't. Starting to get frustrated with him and told him as much. Every time he emails me it costs me ridiculous $$, so I don't appreciate having to email multiple times. The old me would gave quietly lived with it and not communicated my displeasure.will be setting up appraisal of house at beginning of new year to see if I can buy H out. Home prices are ridiculous where I live as there is not a lot of inventory.
Still nothing directly from H. I am sure the holidays are hard for him as well, though he would never admit it. I do hope that 2016 brings him the happiness he is looking for.
BT - I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now. There is no part of this that is easy, though, is there? You do need to start forgiving yourself. I'm always ready to take the blame for all of it, and I've finally realized how very unhappy I'm going to be if I keep that up. You didn't break up your marriage all by yourself. Own what is yours, change what you can, and let go of the rest.
You are always such a support to me. I want you to know how very much I appreciate it. Thank you. I remember that first day I showed up in a panic, and there you were, calm and ready to offer helpful advise. You're a gem!
I hope this coming year brings YOU lots of happiness, as well.
BT - I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now. There is no part of this that is easy, though, is there? You do need to start forgiving yourself. I'm always ready to take the blame for all of it, and I've finally realized how very unhappy I'm going to be if I keep that up. You didn't break up your marriage all by yourself. Own what is yours, change what you can, and let go of the rest.
You are always such a support to me. I want you to know how very much I appreciate it. Thank you. I remember that first day I showed up in a panic, and there you were, calm and ready to offer helpful advise. You're a gem!
I hope this coming year brings YOU lots of happiness, as well.
I wish you the very best Christmas, BT - I'll be thinking of you and everyone else on this site as we navigate through the holidays.
A good comedy at the movie theater makes me feel good, regardless how I feel going in.
Ancaire, I remember your first posts. I was really worried about you, but I think you will be ok. A lot has transpired between then and now. I think you hit your rock bottom to help propel letting go.
Painter, a comedy sounds much needed right now.
Today has been the hardest day in a really long time. Lots of sadness and tears, but I guess those will still come even if the time in between down days gets longer and longer. Off to the gym to see if I can burn this funk off.
BT - Merry Christmas!
I know I may check in tomorrow, but in case I run out of time, I wanted to be sure and stop by long enough to send you greetings. I know this will be a rough one for you. Please know I'll be thinking of you warmly.
Merry Christmas, BT!
"I know I have apologized many times to my H, but need to start working on forgiving myself as I find I can start to put too much responsibility on me. I have to remind myself it took two of us to get here."
This resonates with me. I was on the phone the other day talking to my brother and he told me that marriages are a two way street. I acknowledged that and said that I knew that and am attempting to fix my mistakes. He said, "No E, I mean they're a two way street." I said I know...and so on. It took four tries for him to get through to me that he was talking that I was doing all the work and my H none.
I guess it's easier to take the blame because then at least I feel some control?
E
BT-
I hope you had a nice Christmas! Good job on keeping your workouts going even when your boot camp leader is on vacation- it shows true dedication. Little by little these things become a habit. At this point in time, we should approach our detachment the same way! It's a mental exercise vs physical. Actively focus on the PMA- soon enough it gets easier and easier and something you'll actively seek out and practice because it will make you feel good.
Be well!
Hey bt,
Happy new year, hope you found a nice night to spend with the gals!!!
Happy New Year!! I am just wrapping up a lovely and quiet couple of weeks off from work. I was feeling pretty burnt out with work before the break, so I am hoping that this rest will give me the jump start I need going back.
Overall, the past couple of week were very heathy....lots of rest, eating healthy, and hitting the gym. Last week I made it to the gym 5 days and this week 6. Usually after the holidays I am feeling pretty icky from over indulging, but not this year. I actually think I lost 5 lbs!! The worst of the time off was the weather. It was super cold, so going on my walks with the dog was not very enjoyable.
This week I restart an art class that I had intended to take in Oct/Nov, but it got off-track due to work travel, so they let me move it to the beginning of the year. Trying to stay focused on health and fitness as I still have some weight to take iff to get back to my healthiest self. this really does affect my confidence and positivity in a major way.
Other than that, things will start to speed up with D. I think we need to have a settlement agreement done by the end of next month. I am trying to set up appraisal on house to see if I can buy out H, but waiting to hear from H. He is really not communicating at all at this point, even though I have been pleasant whenever we have communicated the past few months. I was really stressed out about the house, but have decided to let that go to whatever the outcome will be. Either I can stay in home or I have decent equity to put in new house. Whatever will be, will be and I will make it work. We still need to go through household items and discuss dog, so I guess I will start to try and move that along next week.
The two week trip to Hawaii with my family is all booked and I cannot wait!! Over the next week I need to revisit my goals I set in the fall, readjust where needed, and set some new ones,
Hope everyone's year is off to a good start.
Hey BT! I have nothing to say as there is nothing to say, you are doing outstanding! Really happy that you've done what you've done for yourself. The way you are being appreciative of what you have and are unleashing your best self is a tribute to God. Keep fighting the good fight. It's difficult, but you inspire us all!
Hi BT! Thanks for the update. I love how you are trying to have a flexible mind right now about your outcome. Over last summer, I went to this amazing seminar and one of the norms was that we be open to not knowing everything and being in the moment. It is truly hard to do, but we can keep on practicing.
Thanks for being you!
E
Hi BT13
My intuition tells me that you are going to come out of this on top. You are really the one that has it all...great job, a lot of interests and things you are involved in, and the ability to buy out your husband. You are AWESOME!! And the perfect example of being the spouse only a fool would leave. (No doubt your spouse is looking foolish)
Please keep posting. And best wishes for the new year.
Zeus, Elly and Julie, thanks for such positive posts.
Z, thanks for continuing to follow me even though I know I was frustrating you with my early DB efforts.
E, I have to say that your saying, "thanks for being you", really struck a chord and brought me to tears. As positive as I often seem on here, I still have moments where I am really down on myself. I know I have had to stop stinking thoughts like maybe I am this horrible person my H described. That something is wrong with my personality. That I am not enough if a person. It just made me feel really good to read those words and gave me a bit of reaffirmation of who I am. Thank you!!
Julie, my intuition tells me I am (actually ALL of us) going to be ok as well. I wish that my H would sto long enough to see it, but if not, it is his loss. I am by no way perfect and I know I have made lots of mistakes throughout this whole process, but I am just trying to learn from each of them and keep moving forward to a new and improved BT.
--------
Z, thanks for continuing to follow me even though I know I was frustrating you with my early DB efforts.
Nonsense, i get frustrated when my kids do their homework and dont turn it in, o when my teams blow a lead late. Not so much when i see someone learning and finding their way at their own pace. i am glad you are finding your groove!!!
BT, I think we all have that problem. It's hard to see the good through the process. Just the other day someone made me tear up when they said I was strong. The outside doesn't always reflect the inside, especially when we are acting as if.
I'm glad my reminder of who BT really is helped reaffirm your value.
*hugs*
E
Hi BT - I haven't been keeping up with your thread lately - but I'm so pleased to see your recent update - you sound really good! I read updates like that and think - yep, she's gonna be just fine. I know it isn't easy (I'm at a similar stage in the D process to you) but I've come a long way too...
Good for you and take care xx
Hi BT, it sounds like your are coping really well!
What do you think about H not moving forward with the D now? Do you feel it's necessary for you to push ahead? What is his living situation now?
Painter, I have no idea. I am afraid to start getting my hope up that maybe he is having second thoughts, but it has crossed my mind. I then make myself stop that thinking. I sent him a pleasant but business like email right before Xmas about approving an appraiser I found and he ignored it. I started working on the appraisal because his L emailed mine the same day about the status of the settlement proposal they submitted. She could have taken that initiative on her own without prompting from my H. I have no idea. My L also thought that I/we should get on appraisal asap. I made the decision to try and communicate direct for a change up. I sent a follow up TM about a week later and he said he needed to talk to his L about anything dealing with house and would get back to me soon. I still have not heard. I am thinking about arranging appraisal and sending him details.
Also, for my trip in March, I am concerned about kenneling our dog for almost two weeks. That just seems like a long time and I feel bad for the dog. Our dog has some aggression issues with strangers which makes trips a bit if a worry. I can't just have someone stay with him. Considering he is still both of our's and in many ways was more attached to H, I sent TM to see if he would be willing to stay at the house with him. He ignored that email as well.
I have no idea where or with whom he is living. I have not asked and he has not shared. He literally does not communicate with me in that regard. I have not seen him since our last discernment session on October 8 and I have only received a few TMs since then. One about wanting to watch dog over Thanksgiving and finish the bathroom himself. I pleasantly agreed to both and then the one on Thanksgiving about hiring someone to finish the bathroom. I said no to that one, which I am sure he was not happy with, but he never responded. There was no communication on Christmas or NY, but I was not expecting it.
I am just trying to keep moving forward as the last I heard was D was what he wanted. It is just odd. Before BD we were never really angry a lot at each other. We might have an argument, but we would eventually both get over it and we never stopped talking to each other. So the last 8 months of very little communicating, anger, and silent treatment is all still hard to comprehend. He was really holding in a lot.
Thoughts?
Yes, that is odd. Especially about your dog, it's not a matter you'd expect he would want to leave to the Ls.
I have no idea what could be going on with the lack of replies, I'm a communicator so not my style to go dark!
I would probably send an e-mail to ask about the dog again - because that is a real concern. Maybe a solution could be to establish a relationship with a housesitter now to get to know the dog, someone who can stay at your house when you're gone?
Yes, I thought about the house sitter route. A few days ago, I actually signed up for an Angie's list type thing to get connected to someon.
He just responded to the dog text which he read on Monday (He turned his read notification back on. I know this is mind reading, but part of me thinks he did that on purpose to show that he is delaying in responding to me. He had turned it off after BD and it has been back on and off since Thanksgiving. Just odd). Said he has to wait and look at is schedule closer to trip to see if he can accommodate as HE has some potential work trips. Glad to see he has worked his way out of his selfish stage (yes, that is sarcasm). I know if he wanted to he could plan his work trips around this. again, this is the same person that could not stand being away from this dog and would be very concerned about kenneling him for two weeks.
Should I contact him again about the appraisal? Thinking about just scheduling it and tellIng him if my appraiser does not work for him that he can pay for his own.
Also, your signature quote just reminded me of something H said multiple times after BD. He said I was not committed to him, but to our marriage vows. That cared more about the idea of him rather than actually him. Your quote was the first thing I thought of when he said it. Yes, the way you are acting right now, I am more committed to our vows. Otherwise, I would just totally give up. Most of our M, I was committed to him specifically. I mean I think I understand what he was getting at, but then part of me is just dumbfounded.
Any thoughts on his remarks?
Also, I just had a review with one of my employees and I wanted to share some of her feedback on me as her supervisor. It specifically relates to one of my areas I needed to work on in myself post BD, so I was quite proud to hear her words. She basically said that one of the things she really values and likes about me is my ability to be very direct with her. She said she never has to guess what I am thinking, and because of that, it makes her feel trusted. She also said that I balance any critic out with positive reinforcement.
I have not always been good about having hard conversations with people, especially in my M. I have certainly be a conflict avoider/people pleaser. I am finding it easier and easier to tell people what I am thinking, even if it is hard.
Yes, H, people can change.....
How cool that your employee gave you such good feedback!
I would move ahead with plans as you see fit. Find a house sitter and tell H not to worry about it, and get an appraiser and don't worry about his opinion unless he voices it. He's obviously not cooperating...
About his remark about your commitment - I think he's just trying to twist things to invalidate your faithfulness so he can better justify what he has done.
Yes, H, people can change.....
Just remember this goes both ways. He might change into someone that understands people can change
Good job on asking for feedback. Funny, that was a very direct thing to do!
BT - If you hadn't been for your kind, yet direct, manner I might still be flopping around! I remember you, specifically, when I showed up here without a clue about what to do. I remember you telling me he was having a tantrum.
Until that moment, that thought never even crossed my mind. I didn't recognize it for what it was. You taking the time to read my situation, respond with helpful insight, well - it meant and still continues to mean so much to me.
You have a way of communicating I admire. You always say what you think, but you never say it in a way that causes harm. At one point you were telling me to calm down...boy! did I need that.
I admire you, appreciate you, and think your H is an idiot. No marriage is perfect, but I can recognize a really fine person when I see one - and you fit the bill perfectly!
You're going to be just fine. As long as you keep popping in, I'll still be reading.
BT, I constantly have to remind myself of that saying on here of believe nothing they say and only half of what they do. Your husband is lost. So everything he says is going to be twisted or confused or not the man you knew. And you can't even trust what he does until HE decides to drive on the two way street with you. Until then, follow Painter's advice and just go ahead with what needs to be done. Last night, I was looking around our (my) house, and found my mind drifting to what I could do now that he wasn't here. Like finish the house!!!
You've got this! And keep being honest and to the point with me too. I need it.
big hugs!
E
Ancaire...thanks. I was worried I was a little harsh with you that first day on hear. Some times I worry I don't add enough warm and fuzzy.
Zeus, I know my H can change as well. It us just a matter of when. H is a very proud man who is set in his ways. He has let a number of other important relationships go because he thought he was right and did not take the time to see the others point if view or how he might have contributed to things. I guess when he hits rock bottom??
Painter, I sent a simple response to H that said thanks and I am looking into a different option for dog. I contacted the appraiser and he can appraise the house as soon as next week. Will send H an email today to let him know I am setting up appointment for Friday. Will also set up time for H to come over so we can start divying stuff up/ go through house.
Elly, your right. It is so easy to take what they say at face value. I know my H us still hurting and in his fog. Keep pushing me as well.
Had a great day yesterday. I ran a 5K and did it in less that 10 min miles. Had planned to just run errands and clean, but received impromptu invite to go out for beer in the early afternoon, so I went. Had nice quiet night at home after that, took a long hot bath (feeling pretty stiff after run in 20 degree weather), and chase a healthy dinner.
Starting to feel more and more confident. I can really see the weight loss in photos now. Each week I am trying on clothes I have not been able to wear for over 10 years and they are getting closer and closer to fitting. It is helping me say on track with my weight loss. My hair is getting long and I made it a bit blonder. Feeling like I am getting my groove back!!
Today, I need to get to gym for weigh in. They have this weigh in incentive where they pay you quarterly for losing weight and maintaining it. I should $30 for thus quarter. Need to do some cleaning today and then tonight I am watching the Golden Globes. I love award season. A guilty pleasure I guess.
I love reading about how well you are doing With GAL and with all the other areas in your life. have no advice, but wanted to let you know I am rooting you on.
Sounds like a great weekend. Woo-hoo!
BT - do you run? I'm working up to walking a 5K, but it sounds like you're a runner. I'm not sure I can swap war stories with you! LOL
Ancaire, it is usually more of a jog, but I did run the race on Saturday. I was feeling it the next day!
So, sent another pleasant but business like TM to H indicating I set up appraisal on house for this Friday. He had spoken with his L, but never got back to me but said he was fine to proceed. Not sure why he did not get back to me. Just seems odd. Maybe he just forgot. Anyway, appraisal is all set.
I am just trying to keep moving forward as the last I heard was D was what he wanted. It is just odd. Before BD we were never really angry a lot at each other. We might have an argument, but we would eventually both get over it and we never stopped talking to each other. So the last 8 months of very little communicating, anger, and silent treatment is all still hard to comprehend. He was really holding in a lot.
Thoughts?
Agreed. It would be guessing to know what his distancing means. It could be he needs space to rebuild. If he is doing this in some controlling type way he'll at some point realize it isn't working and change strategies and reach out to you.
Sadly this doesn't always happen, and when it does it can take months or years. Who knows where you'll be if this happens?
Only one thing to do. Make the answer to that question a good place
I think doing what YOU want is in your best interest. Your H is clearly not in a place to communicate and is lost. You can be the lighthouse (have you read that again recently) or you can let go; either way you need to move forward with what is best for BT.
Awesome job in the 5K by the way.
E
Does anyone know why they removed the edit option and whether we can contact someone to try and get it back? Pretty please! I really had when I have typos in my posts.
Does anyone know why they removed the edit option and whether we can contact someone to try and get it back? Pretty please! I really had when I have typos in my posts.
Stupid auto correct!!
No, but I wish it would come back too as I don't like my mistakes either.