Well friends, been off the board for a little bit, the distance was doing me some good. But for some reason, I'm struggling to figure out how to respond to her now, this being almost four months to the day since the bomb drop.
This month, WW moves into her new place, and it's looking like October for me - but it could be sooner. She continues to run around in her business and her life like a chicken with its head cut off. I come home from my job in the afternoons and she is usually here, working and staying just long enough to temperature check before she runs off to the next appointment on her calendar.
This past weekend, on Sunday I think, she called and said she wanted to meet at the bank to close some accounts, and then to go for a coffee to discuss the division of our assets. Since she'd already sent me a list of exactly what she wants, I told her I didn't think sitting down to talk about it was necessary.
Then she said, "Well, you know, I would just like to talk, about things, you know. Just talk." I was noncommittal.
Saw her yesterday briefly and she was very uncomfortable before going out the door. Today, she came downstairs and greeted me almost warmly, talked about all the equipment I need to constantly load and unload from my car, asked if I needed help. As she came downstairs to leave, she asked when we could find a time this week to go to the bank and go get a coffee. I said I'd go to the bank when it worked for me to get my name off the accounts, and then she could close them at her convenience.
Then she said all this: "What, you don't want to go for a coffee? You know, I want to sit, and talk to you, like a person. Let me tell you something, and I don't want you to take this wrong way like I'm coming back or I want you sexually, but I miss you, and I feel guilty, yes... very, very guilty. I walked out of a committed relationship and that was wrong but I want to talk to you, I even want to hug you, but... you won't give me a chance." (Turns like a petulant child and heads for the door."
All I could say in response was, "Well, let me know your schedule." Because really, I didn't know what to say. She said, brighter and happier, "okay."
Friends who've been down the MLC/WW road ahead of me - should I meet her for coffee? If I do, am I just helping her ease her conscience, or do I use the opportunity to validate what I can and throw truth darts when it's appropriate? Is she suddenly afraid she's going to lose me for good once we move out of here, and she's looking for a lifeline? Might there be any of my real W underneath these pitiful pleas for me to "give her a chance?"
I just don't know. I want to do the right thing, more still want to SAY the right things. I still want to be open to reconciliation down the road. But the good news is, right now, I mostly just want to move to the next phase of my life. Her popping in and out does me no good. I'm thinking the best thing that could happen, whether R is possible or not, is for me to move out and go dark. But I'd appreciate some insight.
Thanks!
Tough situation Dif. I can see the issues with both side of that. You go dark and it potentially cuts out some good interactions but you keep interacting and it effects your sanity. People talk about going dark on here all the time and I think what most mean is instead pulling back. Going dark is where you basically cut them out of your life for everything other than very important things and this goes on for months and years. In my opinion its only use is really to help the LBS detach and let go and I just don't see it helping the sitch. I can understand how stressful the popping in and out can be but if it were me I would try to pull back some but not cut her out completely.
Go to have the coffee. But say that you'd rather not mix something that seems casual and friendly like coffee w/ R talk. If she wants to go have coffee, "that would be nice." If she wants to work on thing D, you'd feel more comfortable just meeting somewhere more private and focusing on the matters at hand.
If she really has something important to tell you, putting that off isn't going to help you. She may want to do this in a public setting because she's worried about your reaction. On the other hand, she really may want to just talk and things have gotten awkward enough between you that she doesn't feel comfortable saying so. Instead, the one thing you have in common right now (working through the D) is the excuse.
So, I'd say get on with it. Be prepared for some bad news, but be willing to engage in some friendly banter if that's the way it seems to be going.
Maybe meet her but don't make your schedule too available, make her offer a few choices of times/dates because you are busy. And get a friend to text you multiple times while you are out, you don't have to answer the texts, but you want to appear busy and in demand. I don't know, just posting what pops into my head. I find getting a lot of texts makes my H curious. He doesn't have to know it is my 7 year old nephew texting me about minecraft, he just notices the texts coming in.
Thanks for the input, friends. Here's what wound up happening...
On Wednesday, she sent me an email informing me that as of the end of the month, my son and I had a new auto insurance policy, that our agent found a good deal, and the payment would be due soon. I was incredulous that she took it upon herself to get us off the policy we shared without even consulting me, and to have the nerve to actually arrange for a policy for me. I wrote back, "Did you really think it was appropriate for you to choose my agent, plan, and policy without even consulting me?" And she responded with a tirade about how she's just trying to help, and was I really going to give her a hard time about this, and if I wanted to do something different, fine by her...
I wrote back calmly that I was sure she thought she was being helpful, but that what she did was not appropriate. I also said that considering how things were going, yes, we probably did need to get together. I told her I'd meet her at the bank to close the accounts on Friday afternoon, and afterward, we could get a drink and discuss matters.
On Thursday, she sent me an email that I found much more irritating - it was titled "thoughts before meeting," a kind of tying up of our affairs, move out dates and reasonable things. But it was also arrogant and assumptive: she wanted to change the terms of our previously agreed-upon buyout of my share in our real estate investment company. In fact, I could feel the influence of the OW in the email, and I was enraged for a bit. But I calmed down, wrote back that I'd bring a hard copy response to our meeting, and then went through the email point by point with my arguments against what she was trying to pull. I knew that by going over this in person and hard copy, the OW couldn't be over her shoulder continuing to renegotiate the terms.
I also decided to write her a letter, one that she might not be able to fully absorb yet, but one that addressed the issue of her self stated claim of having a "guilty conscience," and one that answered in clear terms her constant question, "Why can't we be friends?" The gist of the letter was that people only have guilty consciences when they have done/are doing something wrong and refuse to make things right. And I said I am the best and truest friend she'll ever have, one she can always rely on and turn to. Not one who will go out for superficial coffee dates and always tell her what she wants to hear, or make her feel awesome or affirm her poor choices, because a real friend doesn't do that. But I also said that as long as she is in a relationship with someone with whom she betrayed me, she cannot be a genuine friend to me. So basically, if she wants a relationship with me, I'm not the one preventing it. She is. I put the ball in her court.
We sat down at the table at the pub and I asked her, "Have you been dreading this meeting?" And she said, "Yes, very much so." I said I hadn't, that I was glad to get things moving here and over with. Long story short, she started to get angry again and wanted to rehash how bad our relationship was ad naseum, but I stopped her and kept things on track. She backtracked on every revised term in her email, and I was satisfied with what we agreed to right there. I wrote her an email from my phone as we sat there to confirm the details. Afterwards, I was able to show how flexible and reasonable I was going to be in having her fulfill those terms, because I surely am not out to "get" her.
Then, I'm not sure how, but the conversation turned to faith, and I said something that didn't sit well with her. "This is getting weird," she said. "Why are you telling me this now?"
And I said, "Because we're not going to be having any more of these beer or coffee dates. I really don't want to see you anymore."
She was taken aback. "Not at all?"
"Not at all."
"But I have to come to the house, still have things to move,.."
I said, "I know, so please email me a schedule of exactly when you plan to be there, so I can make plans myself to be away."
She agreed, but it was clear my request threw her for a loop. What I really mean here Fogg is that I don't want to see her anytime soon. I want to get through this move without her, and settled into my new place, and see her settled into hers. There is no hope for us at all until this chapter is closed, and I don't see any benefit to us just sort of popping in and out of each other's space right now. I figure that by the time all this activity and busy-ness has calmed down for her, things might begin to show themselves for what they really are with the OW. I just believe things won't last with them, and as far as my sitch is concerned, I'd rather be back in contact when the bad feelings she associates with me start to give way to new bad feelings that are attached to the OW, and when it's more clear that I've made improvements in my own life. Maybe towards the end of the year, hard to say. Hard to predict anything, as we all know.
And then... during the last five minutes of our visit, WW seemed to melt back into her old self again... it was hard, seeing the woman I love emerge from this monster I hate. She shared some enthusiasm and anxiety about her work and an upcoming visit from her nieces ("I don't know where they are going to stay... my apartment isn't finished yet, and the OW said they could stay at her house, but then I'd have some explaining to do...") Umm... yeah... since her family has no idea what's going on between us. I asked if she was finding it challenging to swim in a sea of constant lies and deceit, and she actually bowed her head with a slight nod.
She got up to leave, and I gave her the letter. Honestly, I don't know if writing that letter was the right thing to do, but I felt better having done it, and knowing that I left her with some very clear and hard truths in writing. I told her she might not be ready to accept all that it says right now, but to put it away somewhere, because a time might come down the road when she'll want to read it again, with clearer eyes. She said, "You know, you're right. I will do that." She hugged me, tight, and gave me a kiss. I had to choke back tears, because there she was, my real W, for just a few minutes.
And that's the last contact we've had.
I was glad I had another friend come to meet me Friday night and spend a few hours just enjoying dinner and a nice evening out. Otherwise, it would have been a very hard night. I left town for the weekend, and this has been good for my soul. Yesterday, I had a first round interview with the founder of an internet startup who is looking for someone to take charge of and develop a project that truly interests me, and this brightened my spirits a bit for the future. I have really needed that kind of hope. I'm moving close to some friends I haven't spent a lot of time with the past few years, and I know they'll help me GAL all the way through football season, I'll join their gym with them - and I put my WW in God's hands.
Hardest time of my life. But in the end, I know it will all work to my good.
Thanks for the update Dif.
I'm guessing you're already heading this way, but I'll share my two cents.
I like the letter...it was not straight DB necessarily (telling not showing actions, and some could argue it could be judging/controlling), but it had some good truth dart element, and hopefully it does sit with her.
Now I think you need to STFU for a while. The last couple months you have been truth darting and truth darting and truth darting. She's heard what you've had to say, now it's just coming off as a game of pursuit and control. The letter was a little different, and may serve a purpose...if nothing else for YOU. But I think you should be able to go the rest of your life without any more truth darting. If your message is you don't want to be friends with her, time to SHOW her in instead of TELL her.
She knows your number, and knows your stance. Get mysterious. GAL. 180 (including no pursuit). And go back to YOU. And working on YOUR issues. The road has forked, you need to stay on your side now.
Again, it looks like you were getting ready to head that direction. Just encouraging you and agreeing it's the only way to go from here.
Yep, totally agree, Zues. I don't have another word to say.
Thanks for your support.
Had my second interview with the internet startup today, and it went well. A third call is going to be scheduled for the end of the week. This is the most hopeful thing that's come up in the past five months for me, and provided things progress in the right direction, I think it's something I can really focus on and get excited about.
I know I've often been such a sad sack around here. So I just wanted to share something positive.
Being positive is good Dif! Keep it up.
Don't worry about being a sad sack. You are entitled to your honest emotion. However, I have learned that being down is a self feeding frenzy. When I get down, I act down and by acting down, I get further down and etc...and down the rabbit hole I go. it's easy to do and I do it too often. At least now I can recognize it.
You are heading in the right direction, I am happy for you about the internet start up. Fingers crossed it leads to something.
I am pulling for you!
Heavy
Diffrent, good news on the job lead! Wishing you well and hoping you will have good news to share. You are doing well, not a sad sack at all- I think we all have our moments, that's what we are here for.
Good luck on the new job prospect. Work is like another relationship all on its own, so I know how it is when both fronts are now well. I always compare job hunting to dating. Putting your best self forward until you find a good match!!
Congrats on the second interview Dif! You're a rock star. Sometimes we all just need to get a little bit of good news. Heck reading that just made my day a bit brighter.
And don't worry about being a sad sack, this place is called Divorce Busting. DIVORCE Busting. It's not a comedy conference even though some of the most positive people I know seem to be congregating here.
If you can make it through here, and through our sitchs, the rest of our lives should be relatively easy. I'd stare a natural disaster in the face right now. Earthquake? Ha! Here are my plans Mr Earthquake. I'm going to GAL, 180, and keep a PMA while you rip the ground up. I'll have Wonka help me afterwards with a well written "Dear Mr. Earthquake" email. Please, I can handle anything now.
Keep that PMA up, you're thriving under the most difficult of circumstances. Not everyday is going to be sunshine and roses, but we'll get through them all.
Big hug Dif,
PP
Thank you BT13!!!
"Being down is a self-feeding frenzy..."
Gosh, this is so true, Heavy. I have been in the rabbit hole too often. I think in my case, it's just that I've lost so much, and finding hope has been challenging. I've needed this. No guarantees anything is going to work out, but it's something.
Again, wish you were close enough to buy you a drink. I find that sort of thing with my friends helps beyond measure.
Hugs, Heavy.
Dif
Thanks, Photoka. I probably am more of a sad sack here than anywhere else (except my DivorceCare group), because in my "real world," I'm good at hiding things. So grateful for everyone here.
Hi DifRent, thinking about you!
Bob
Thank you, Bob. And praying for you still, and always!
Pig Pen, I liked your reference to the earthquake. I was thinking the other day how much I'd enjoy being in the Walking Dead scenario, because smashing zombies in the brains would be really satisfying compared to my current life. Bring it on.
Maybe we are all being prepared for something crazy in the future and us DB'ers will be the only survivors because we've got the skills to make it.
Hey PigPen! I'm NO rockstar. But I'm encouraged by the prospect. It's a startup dealing with death and dying, and like you say with regard to Mr Earthquake here, it's like... bring it on! Nothing can shake me now. As long as Wonka helps us write the emails, right???
Not focusing on it, but also today... she's moving, we have a few texts/emails to ensure that I'm not here when she is. She thinks our son is racking up data on a phone plan he abandoned months ago... I am short, quick, and to the point with my responses. But I do write in one email that I will steer clear of the house all day tomorrow if she needs me to so she can move as much stuff out of the place as possible before her "beach vacation" next week. Unexpectedly, she writes back thanking me for being so considerate, and noting how I've always been that way.
Does it mean anything? It might. But it's not my circus today.
Off to sleep... thanks again, PP. Yes, I'll get through the tough days. So will you... you are a serious inspiration to me!
Dif
WW was playing games this week, trying to show up at the house at times when she thought I might be there, including this morning. I know it's killing her that I went away last weekend and she doesn't know with whom or any details. I think she just wants to have the chance to "casually" ask me. Thankfully I think she's already on the road out of town, so I get a week's break from all this...
The good news is, the startup is making me an offer and sending me a scope of work this weekend - the offer includes an equity stake, and for the first time in a very long time, I am actually excited about the work I'm about to do. It's helping me to keep the focus on me and moving forward, not on my WW. But as far as it might have any impact there? As my friend put it when I told her all that, "That's the woman she needs to want to come back to. The Dif that is the person who is doing what God has placed her on Earth to do."
So I own this much: I lost my own sense of purpose in order to be 100% supportive of her goals and plans - plans that were conceived to keep her from being stuck overseas, plans intended to build a life for us together. But, at the same time, I lost my own spark and passion for my own things. That IS the kind of woman she was drawn to in the beginning. No excuse for what she's done. But yeah... I'm so grateful for this opportunity to do what I do well, and to do it with passion for the work.
Hope you all have a great weekend.
So I own this much: I lost my own sense of purpose in order to be 100% supportive of her goals and plans - plans that were conceived to keep her from being stuck overseas, plans intended to build a life for us together. But, at the same time, I lost my own spark and passion for my own things. That IS the kind of woman she was drawn to in the beginning. No excuse for what she's done. But yeah... I'm so grateful for this opportunity to do what I do well, and to do it with passion for the work.
Hope you all have a great weekend.
This is totally my case as well and that person was not happy or fun to be around. I am glad you are on the road to getting your spark back. That is the beauty of DB. Congrats on the pending job offer. That is awesome!!
Yeah, BT13... trying to see things through that lens. The thing is, this opportunity found me, not the other way around. I did everything she asked me to do in the interim. BD and abandonment did not have to happen in order for me to be where I am now, in a place where I'm feeling confident about this new position and my prospects. It would be even more exciting and energizing if she were by my side, celebrating this with me. But alas... it is what it is, and I will do what's been put before me. Maybe she'll notice, maybe she won't. But that's not my concern anymore.
Ok, you'd think that for as long as I've been here, I'd know how to do this now. But Cadet, or anyone... can someone post the links to all my threads here?
Nevermind Cadet, figured it out.
Haven't seen or talked to WW in over two weeks now. Texts and an email or two. Her texts are over the top responses to things I say, for instance, "You can have all the time you need to move your things out tomorrow." She writes back things like, "You are so thoughtful and considerate, you've always been that way, one of the things I love about you, you're so sweet, thank you for thinking of me..." I mean, a simple "thanks" would have made more sense. I guess this is continued guilt or the continued pursuit of cheap grace. Not sure.
But I've been super focused on my new position this past week - so much to do, and I have three months to get things to the next level. I have to say - if I had this job before BD, I would have been too crushed after it to continue to do it well. Had I been offered the job too soon after BD, I wouldn't have been able to find the motivation or enthusiasm to do the job. But this came along at just the perfect time - I'm in the place now where I needed the perfect challenge. This was it.
A reminder that God's timing for everything is always perfect. Even in all this mess.
A reminder that God's timing for everything is always perfect. Even in all this mess.
Man, I wish I had known that a year ago...;)
A reminder that God's timing for everything is always perfect. Even in all this mess.
Man, I wish I had known that a year ago...;)
Haha, Zues.
We got into an email dispute over "things" yesterday. I find this distasteful, but there is one thing, one very small thing, a handcrafted souvenir from a trip we took together overseas last year that means a lot to me. She had used it for a wine and cheese event at some open house, and never brought it back. When I asked for it, she said no, she "needed" it, but if she ever went to that village again, she'd get me another one. (!)
I wrote back - "you gave it to HER, didn't you? I don't want another one. I want the one that means something to me, and meant something to us." She didn't deny this in her response, just said she didn't mean to hurt me, but she needed it.
I know I'm not supposed to let the OW take up any headspace. But I have to admit it hurts to know she's in possession of something that means a lot to me, something my W gave to me, and has now chosen to give to her.
Other than that, we are making good progress on the separation - except that she keeps trying to catch me at the house by stopping by unannounced in spite of our agreement. I'm really tired of her little games. It's possible I can move a bit sooner than Oct 17. As soon as I can, I'm outta there, and she won't know to where.
Hello friends... thought I'd pop on here and post an update. Haven't seen nor spoken with WW since Sept 5, although lots of housekeeping/details texts back and forth, and repeated attempts on her part to show up at the house unannounced - some of them successful, thankfully at times when I've not been home. She continues to move things out of the place bit by bit, I'll be moving everything the week of October 12, and the house will be available as a rental the week after that. Once we get to that point, the only two things that will keep us bound together will be the remainder of the cash (40%) she owes me for the buyout of the company, and titling the car I drive alone in my name - keeping hers on it till Jan 1 for tax purposes. It will be interesting to see where things go once we are really and truly apart, as she does not know where I'm going.
Really enjoying my new position, it's exciting and giving me a drive and focus I've not had in a long time. God is good to have sent this my way at just the right time. I'm still sad and incredulous that things had to happen this way, but I'm no longer despondent or feeling like I can't go on. There are a lot of good things in my life for which I am thankful. She is in full-on textbook MLC mode, so I pray for her every day. And I'm standing for our relationship. But I know that's a long, long road. And my focus has to be on me.
Now, that's the good news on my sitch! Here's a potential speedbump: a friend of mine who happens to know the predator (not well, but from the past) has shared with me that she took it upon herself to write to her - and to do so anonymously. I don't know all the details of the letter, but she did tell me she called her a homewrecker. Question: how much damage has my well-intentioned friend wrought?
Hey Diff,
Great to see an update on your sitch! Sounds like you're doing well in spite of all that you've been through. Not sure what that letter will do, hopefully they don't think you're the one that wrote it. I guess at this point not even that matters, their lives are their own to live.
Loved reading that you're thankful and life is on the upswing.
Big hug to you,
PP
Thanks PP. After doing pretty well for a month, this week has been really tough, and next week will be, too. The final move - I feel like I've been playing dodgeball in order to avoid seeing her, as she keeps trying to catch me at the house in spite of our agreement to give each other space. Today she was particularly obtuse and cold, at the house when I arrived, packing the predator's car with boxes. Made me sick to my stomach to see that car. Really been on the verge of tears all day. Still just so hard to believe it's come to all this. I know moving out won't magically solve things, but it's got to be better than things are now. At least I won't have any reason to be dealing with her. Need to go dark...
Sending you a hug Dif, today is going to suck. Next week will suck too. Just get through them. Forecast out if you have to. Dream of the future. Know that the stuff you're going through now is just awful but it won't last forever.
Helping my W pack the truck to move was one of the hardest days of my life. I had to step outside on multiple occasions and cry. It was like a repetitive punch in the stomach. But it was months ago and I can talk about it now. It feels like a different lifetime. Soon this all will too. As someone who's gone through it, I know.
Deep breaths Dif, lots of them. Reach out to friends and do what you can to not be there. Take care of Dif first.
Big hug,
PP
Thank you for sharing your experience, PP, and for the hugs. Big hugs back, I need them. It means a lot coming from you.
I've actually decided to go stay with my mom the next few days, so there won't be any game playing. My job is remote and I have that freedom now. And hers is a peaceful home. Things will suck just a little bit less there, I think.
Good for you for doing that Dif! The tornado is going to happen and you'll feel it but if there's no law that says you have to be there to stand in it.
I'm going to send you as much strength as I can. This is the hellish time and there's no way around it. All you can do is lean in, breathe softly, and take it moment by moment. This too shall pass Dif.
Frame the next week however you have to to make it through it.
Even more hugs Dif.
PP
Thank you, thank you. I am sure your strength will help carry me through, my friend.
Good for you Different. You will be much better off at your mom's. And I just read your post where a friend sent a letter to OW? Any fallout from that? I had talk a friend out of confronting H for me last week. People are well intentioned but yes, could only make things worse.
No word yet, Photoka... maybe they are ignoring it, not saying anything to me, maybe it hasn't arrived... I don't know. I don't plan to feed into it at all should it come up. It has been suggested that there could be a positive that comes out of it: a truth dart from someone else that plants another seed for WW. But who knows. The only good thing for sure is that I have friends who do care and are outraged for me. Perhaps that energy could have been better spent, but I have no control over what's already been done, so all I can do is move on.
Dif
I've been keeping up on you, I post little nowadays but just wanted to give us a thumbs up as I know the coming days/weeks will be trying. I think she needs this ... But more importantly you need this.
As far as the note... My hunch is that's just another thing the predator will spin, make it all about them against the world but for your W I believe it's another seed in that garden that will over grow and choke her out a bit, time will tell where you will be when/if that happens
Thanks, Cali... I've not been posting much either, but it's good to know I have the support of good friends like you here. Hope things are going well for you. I think of and pray for you often.
DifRenf,
It has been a while since I have checked in to your thread. You have lot of positive things to look forward to in your life. I could feel your energy in those posts that talked about your new job. Capture that feeling and energy to help get you through these next couple of weeks. Your doing great!
Thank you WhyUs. You're right, lots of good things. Going to focus on them.
Hello, just checking in, looking for some feedback. Maybe from Wonka???
It's been a challenging week in many ways. Monday night I could not sleep - I was spiritually disturbed, all these crazy thoughts or visions about her, dark things, kept me awake and left me exhausted. I had an early day and unpleasant work to do all morning yesterday, in a place that just kept certain memories too much at the forefront of my mind. In the afternoon, I had a great and inspiring business call, so my mood began to shift a bit. My dear friend insisted that I have dinner with her family and spend the night at her place in their guest room. I did - had a few drinks and enjoyed the weather, and wound up sleeping surprisingly well. I woke this morning in a better mood than I have in a very long time, not exactly sure why. Had a fairly productive day, then came home, knowing I'd encounter a mostly empty house, since she was doing most of her furniture moving today.
We've been communicating on a yellow note pad. My messages have been detached, but not unkind. Sometimes they reveal my frustrations with her, but I'm friendly enough. Her messages have been extremely cold, going out of her way to distance herself. Yesterday, I noted at the end of my message that she didn't need to be so cold, what have I ever done to her? Wasn't expecting this response, but this is what she wrote back:
"I am not COLD. I respond the same way you respond to me. I take that as a sign that this is simply business for you that is why my messages are simply short and to the point. If I remember correctly, you are the one who said you were 'going dark.' So I just accepted that. Perhaps you need to take a good look at your own actions and emails and then reflect. You are not the enemy. I care for you but told me you don't need that, so I leave it there. You have NOT DONE ANYTHING TO ME so please stop saying that. Everything I do these days you paint it with a veil of negativity and animosity. Even if I wrote a one million dollars check these days to you, you will still say I'm cold and not me. Well know that I am still the same E, but unfortunately, I cannot love you the way you want me to. Stop saying things to yourself and others that I am different. I am NOT. Maybe it's your way of coping with and to cover your embarrassment that I left you. That's fine, you can use that story, if that helps!!!"
Hmm. What to make of all that? Does this warrant a response of any kind? Or should I just "stay dark?"
UPDATE: Moving has been the best thing. As hard as last week was, this week has been a 180 so far. I haven't felt this level of detachment and peace since the bomb drop in May. It's day two of absolutely no contact (not even a text or email), and I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel a renewed sense of purpose and direction for my life. The pain has seriously abated. I can truly say that if I never see her again, I'll be quite okay. Which doesn't mean I don't hope for reconciliation, but I surely don't want it with the woman she is now. So I'm content to let her take her journey, and to embark on an even better one of my own.
Just wanted to update my friends here, and thank you again for all your support.
That's great to hear Diff... You deserve a break off the roller coaster
Congrats Dif, the journey still may not be over, but at least at this point your head is above water.
Enjoy it, you've earned some peace and quiet.
Big hug,
PP
Thanks, guys.
Good to hear from you Difrent! I keep on praying for you!
Thanks, Kippz. I pray for you and everyone here. Such a difficult journey we're all on.
So, funny thing... WW posted on Facebook this weekend - she's not moving into that sketchy apartment she rehabbed. She and the OW are selling it. Their first "fix and flip." I should have known she never had any intention of moving out of the OW's house. She's too needy, too clingy, too afraid to be alone with herself.
She wrote to me in a way that reeked of self-justification about how enlightened she's becoming, how well she's "moving on," because of her newfound meditation practices and watching "inspirational" Church of Oprah videos. I dismissed it all - you can't possibly grow into a better and more enlightened person while you are in a dysfunctional relationship with a sociopath who poached you from your family. But... whatever. Not my circus.
She wrote to me this morning, after several blissful days of no messages at all, to say she "ended up" with some of my belts and pieces of mail during the move, and how can she get all that to me? I truly believe she's been holding those things "hostage" to force an in-person encounter. I'm not falling for it. She can send all of that to me via our son.
The detachment is real.
She can't stand to be alone. But I've had plenty of time alone the past few months. Painful, excruciating time alone. As much as I hated every minute of it, I also know it's produced good fruits in me - such things always do, even if you're a mess in the middle of it, and make a million mistakes along the way. I'm currently rooming with a dear friend, living around the corner from another dear friend, having moved closer by half the distance to my kids' apartment, and I'm connecting, very slowly, with a new friend who is also relatively fresh out of a relationship. It is NOT a dating situation, but she is someone who, like all of you, has great empathy for my pain, and shares enough common interests that she is helping me to enjoy the things I've neglected in my grief: culture, good books, nature, and a sense of hope for the future.
Since WW is in a crisis and I am standing for our relationship, I know I'm not off the roller coaster forever. But for now, I'm very grateful to be at peace.
Just a quick update: she's revoked all my powers of attorney, and the trust we established should something happen to her. The day she sends this, she out of the blue texts to ask how I'm doing, how the boys are, if the Giants (my favorite team) are having a good season. She hasn't made small talk or inquired about anything besides moving out and moving on in months. Then a mutual friend informs me that she told him also today that she is planning to ask the OW to marry her, that she already has the rings.
It's all enough to make my head spin. And it is kind of spinning. But while my head is spinning, my heart isn't hurting. I'm really detached from the circus, and from her, like never before. The job is going really, really well. I've found a great community of people interested in the same kind of co-housing situations I'm interested in. And in fact, I'm kind of seeing someone who is among them - kind of seeing, companionship and very mild flirting is all, I know how stupid and futile it is to jump into anything any time soon. But I have to admit that it's been like a shot in the arm to know that it's possible someone could be drawn to me, after all the venom she spewed that led me, in my despair and pain, to believe the contrary.
I don't post here much but will look around to give a little encouragement where I can. And will say here... hard to believe when your life crashes in, but it DOES get better. With them, without them, and without knowing which way it might all eventually go.
You've come such a long way from lying in bed all morning and worrying about whether to burn scented candles on your home alone nights. Sometimes the best way to live life is really to go out and just LIVE LIFE.
keep on going, friend. Keep moving forward.
I sure have, Azzork. Wouldn't have come this far without the support and occasional slap upside the head here from you and all these good folks.
Thank you.
Hi Dif!!!
Sending you big hugs, you sound like you're doing great!
Keep at it, you're a DB success!
PP
Hugs back, PP!
How are you doing? I haven't had time to catch up on all the other threads. I hope you're doing well and staying strong.
Dif