http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2599748&page=11Previous thread above.
OK, so from Sotto, reprinted, is the list, with how I see this going, goals wise:
Future relationship
Being a Dad
Finances
Friendships
Hobbies
Health
Money
Work
Learning
Spirituality/faith
Happiness
I'll try pressing the right button, this time!
So, FUTURE RELATIONSHIP - well, we all know where I want this to end up; how to get there is taxing.
BEING A DAD - I spend more time with kids now, so that's kind of ticked off. But, if I was to expand this, it would be to try and do homework etc. with them once a week.
FINANCES - depending on how house sale goes, I have all my plans in place.
HOBBIES - restarted my hobbies a month or so ago.
HEALTH - keep off weight loss and keep doing my 4/5 mile per day walk.
MONEY - I want lots of it!
WORK - have regained my confidence and am busy getting my junior staff back in order. This is where I am getting most feedback about being/looking better than at BD.
LEARNING - I read at least one book a week (factual). Funny, this is one thing W said she didn't like me doing as she thought I wasn't spending enough time with her.
SPIRITUALITY - No, not in to religion. I like my horoscope from JC, but I know it's a bit of fun.
HAPPINESS - hmmm....again, we all know what we want here, but I have been feeling a lot better in the past 6 weeks, so just keep pressing on.
Don't know if these are really goals, but it's my best stab at it.
The way I've always been taught to make goals is as follows. They should all be:
Specific
Measurable
Attainable
Relevant
Time-based
So when you say "I want to try and do homework with my kids", what does that mean? Does thinking about doing homework count? Does getting it out count? Your goal is only to "try"...
Better is: I will sit with my kids as they do homework once a week. Or something like that. Remember, it's a goal. You may not hit it.
I think you are thinking too large of a scale. For example, for finances, you can have a goal of spending less than $xxx on food this month. Or of setting a budget and keeping to it. These are things you want to do in the next day, or week, or month, or something.
Hi Huddy, looks like you've been making some good progress here...just a few thoughts from me:
Future Relationship - by this I mean either with your W or someone else? What has this process taught you about Rs/Ms. What would you do differently next time around? How well do you communicate within a R etc....
Being a Dad - agree with all Azzork says here.
Friendships? - do you have good friends? Ones you can be 'authentic Huddy' with?
Hobbies - sounds good. Are these home or social hobbies? Would you/how would you like to develop them further?
Health - Again, sounds as though you've made lots of progress here. Would you describe yourself as at your ideal weight and in good health now?
Money - My goal is to get finances resolved/separated this calendar year - but my circs are different to yours...
Work - what are your longer term career plans? Are there initial steps you could take towards them? How much do you enjoy your work now? What could you do to improve your enoyment of it? What are your work relationships like? etc..
Learning - Sounds good. What about mixing it up a little and throwing in a self-improvement book now and again? There are some great suggestions on this site.
Spirituality - I'm also not a believer. But I would describe myself as quite spiritual. What do you do to nourish your own spirit?
Happiness - this doesn't/can't depend on our spouse. You're giving your W way too much power/burden here. Regardless of your R status, what makes Huddy happy and how might he be more so - however things work out with your W?
This is where goals are important and achieving them can lead to someone who understands R's more, connects with his kids, manages finances well, has nourishing hobbies, and friends, enjoys learning, is in touch with himself.....etc...
Compare this with a guy who is clueless about what women need, ignores his kids, overspends, doesn't have interests, doesn't look after himself etc.
There's a big difference between the two. And none of this is about winning your W back in the short term. It is more about how you want your life to be.....whatever happens. And of course, if you are genuinely person A - that's pretty attractive and your W's interest may be piqued...
Hi Azzork/Sotto
Told you I wasn't good at this kind of thing!
At the end of the day, I want to be happy, healthy, in a loving relationship. I think I'm a genuine kind of guy. I'm not the sort of person who goes undermining people just to get one over somebody. I don't do big shot, flashing cash etc. I prefer to get my work done, get promotion if I can (there will be a reorg soon at work - we'll see), go home, relax with the kids and just have an easy life. The days of Huddy flying around nightclubs and bars are long gone. It's just not my idea of a great night out anymore.
We've had another house viewer today, so we'll see. It won't be long until an offer comes in, then Huddy might have to put his plans in to practice. I am prepared, just don't want to do it really.
Glad your weekend scare was just a visit and nothing dramatic.
I understand your viewpoint. You have been beating your head against a brick wall with no show for it. It may seem that way but throughout this you have changed enormously ..... for the better. Plus your W is still there, which at the start of the summer was absolutely not a possibility.
I hear that you have had your fill and accept if she goes. But you ate still there too. Credit to you.
If I were you I would flesh out some goals following the S.M.A.R.T. system outlined above. It will help focus your energy and you may learn something about you.
Best wishes
Hi Roiste
Yeah, on many ways, I'm doing a lot better than most on here. W and me are still in the same house, nobody has killed each other and the opportunity for her to run away with the kids has been, gone, but probably not subsided yet.
Goals. Still not getting to grasp with this.
OK. Here's my concern. You are more than welcome to tell me to shove off, but this is what I see anyway.
I believe you have come an incredible distance in the last 23 weeks. And I applaud the work you have done. But it sounds like your though process is/was: "OK, Im going to do A,B,C, and D. Now theyre done. Time to reap the benefits."
But, I think, in general, this is a cyclical process. Once you decide that you are "done", then you cant make any more progress. Like I said, I dont think they need to be big goals. And they dont need to be difficult. Sometimes, just going through the exercise makes you think of things you wouldnt have otherwise.
Sotto laid out a ton of areas you could set some goals. Maybe pick like 3, and set one goal for yourself in each for this week, or this month. Then, you can evaluate it after that time and set some new ones. Dont have to be big. Its not about seeing whats WRONG with you. It's about IMPROVEMENT.
Give it a shot!
No problem here Azzork. Hey, our entire innards are exposed on the forum!
Yes, I feel I have done a lot in the last 23 weeks. As for reaping the rewards, well that's not quite right. All I am looking for is just that one thing that tells me W has at least noted differences in me. I'm not asking for fireworks and brass bands (insert US eqv. here) just.....something! I know other people have remarked on my 'changes', but, although that is great for PMA, it isn't the same as being told by tour loved ones.
Maybe, because I'm a brit, I just don't do 'goals' as such. I'm practical, see a problem and then plan my way out of it. That's my job - investigation, problem solving and planning. So, if I was to approach my current problem, I would investigate the reason for the behaviour, work out how to solve the problem then put the plan in place. However, I haven't got the pieces to the puzzle, so can't progress.
Now, if somebody says 'your problem is' or 'you need to improve this', then fine, I can process that. I'm not 'done', I just don't know what else to tackle.
Now, if somebody says 'your problem is' or 'you need to improve this', then fine, I can process that. I'm not 'done', I just don't know what else to tackle.
Right. There is no "problem" with you right now, necessarily. As Ive said before, youve gone from "bad" to "good" (not that you were "bad" before, but you know what I mean). So now its time to go from "good" to "better". So you arent necessarily fixing problems - youre making improvements. So, the way to look at it is to look for gaps in your life.
- you had mentioned about doing homework with your kids. How can you spend better time with them? What kinds of things would show that you are doing that? How about GAL with them?
- how about on finances? is your budget clean? Are there areas you want to improve?
- how about health? are you eating well? are you exercising? at a rate you like? Is there something new you want to try?
- how about GAL? are you getting out? Is there something else you want to try? Are you meeting new people?
- How about spirituality/additional learning? Are you reading books? Is there one you want to read?
- How about your personality? How are you treating people? How are you interacting with your kids? with your wife? Are there areas you want to emphasize? modify?
These are all ideas. You probably dont need a thousand goals. But maybe set three. What three things would you want to focus on this week or this month?
For examples:
- I will spend one hour a week with each child on their homework
- I will exercise for a half hour four days each week
- I will do two GAL activities this month, one of which will be with new people
- I will eat a restaurant no more than 4 times in any week
Then you can look at the end of month and see how you did. If these are all new things, and behaviors you like, then, voila, you made PROGRESS on yourself.
But, if you just say, "I want to be happy", how do you know if you succeeded? By setting measurable goals, you can get a handle on whether you are actually on your way there.
OK. Need to think about that overnight. Will reply tomorrow!
1100 posts!
OK, Azzork, I've given it some thought. I think my next goal is to get W to want to talk to me again. So, I've started trying little bits of convo with her. Nothing extreme. I've also started buying the daily newspaper again.
Now, this may conflict with strict DB rules, but it appears to have had some effect already. W told me today that she had bought S some new sports kit. It looks good and I made a joke about how I should try it on (you had to be there) and she looked at S and smiled. I didn't ask about cost etc. (this is controlling)and left it at that.
I went to run the kids bath and for the first time since April, W came into the bathroom to get her reading glasses. Now, I'm down to my underwear at this point so I don't get my works trousers dirty/wet, and she walked in and looked at me. She didn't say anything and then slowly walked away.
So, I'm planning to do more stuff like this to try and get her in a jovial mood, so she can remember how much fun we used to have. I did think about buying new underwear as well!
Huddy, maybe read back over previous posts. Goals should be about you - not w centric. I feel with your sitch that you just don't want to take your eye off her - even for a moment. But the problem with that is it can make growth difficult. Because if you only grow - enough - to get your W to talk to you - and maybe even want you back, your M may not succeed. There are bigger things to learn here.
And here's the counter-intuitiveness part. You probably need to shift your focus away from your W and put it right onto you in order to put your M back on track. Because the changes we need to make normally aren't minor ones.
But I feel you are only willing to look at W-centric stuff. And I ask myself - who is Huddy? Not Huddy and W - but just Huddy. Who would you be if she wasn't even around and never would be again? What makes Huddy happy? What floats his boat, makes him laugh? I think these are the realms you need to be in here with your goals....
But, I feel you are skipping over what is being posted and getting right back to W....
Huddy,
I am blowing raspberries here.
You think that your W will come back to you because you got new underwear??!!
Tell me who is crazy here, bud!
You CANNOT get W to talk to you again. She has a choice to talk with you again or NOT. That's within her free will choice.
You're screaming "BUT Wonka...she talked to me today!!"
Yes, yes. I hear you.
Let me put it in a different way here.
How do you think W
chose to talk to you today?
How did
you talk to W?
-What was your tone like in speaking to her?
-What was your overall demeanor?
-What choice of words did you use here?
Now here's important piece of advice for you:
Don't be trying too damned hard auditioning for the H role. You are still the understudy here.
Easy does it.
Capicse?
Hi Wonka/Sotto
It's just urrgghhhh!!!!! My patience is wearing down and I'm tired. I want to move this on.
Underwear was a joke, but I thought that she might react differently if she thought I was dressing differently.
My tone to W is pleasant and non confrontational. I really don't like the non communication.
I suppose that's the big problem with in house separation.
Patience is one of the huge skills to develop with DBing. Patience, time and self-focus.
You don't get to 'move this on.' That's not something you get to control. You only get to control how you move forward. The risk of 'moving this on' at this stage is you may conclude things in the way you don't want. Limbo is no bad thing, as long as you are focusing on you.
Pleasant and non confrontational tome is good. But if there is no communication, just go pleasantly about your day. I agree that in house S's are hard - the hardest I think.
Are you getting out much socially Huddy??
Hi Sotto
Yes, my patience is in chunks right now. Some good, some bad. Limbo appears to be the point I'm at until the house is sold. I just wish I had just a sign that the changes have been noticed. Just something to spur me on to carry on wit this path.
She has noticed. You don't need her to show you that. Don't revert to being needy. That being said it is understandable that you want a sign that this us bearing fruit.
You may have seen the image of a miner who after digging for miles turns around 1m from reaching the other side. Caption talks about giving up just before success. My point is there maybe no sign before you break through, but that does not mean you are not progressing.
On a side note, the book DR goes into detail about goals.
My patience is wearing down and I'm tired. I want to move this on.
I think the only way you can speed this up is if you looking for divorce. Otherwise, there are no shortcuts.
As for your search for progress, I havent seen your list. I think you are looking for too big of a sign to call things "progress". If your definition of progress is "my wife doesnt want a divorce", of COURSE youre going to be frustrated. But if your sign of progress is "my wife smiles at me", well, there you go, she did! Progress!
But, at the end, I agree with Sotto. Its one thing to save your marriage. Its another to make fundamental changes in your person to become the best version of you. I think youre at a "good" level. Now its time to take the next steps to be "great". But only you can put in the work to do that.
I wasn't planning on posting for a while. I'm distinctly hacked off with this process as I see little or no progress. I guess some things aren't meant to be. It's nearly six months (in week terms)and the toxicity has returned.
So, yesterday, I got a visit again while I was running the bath. W was asking about my D going to a junior football course, and she asked me to email the organiser (W doesn't do technology). All well and good.
Then, flip, this morning, I find a voice mail on my phone. I missed the call as my phone was on silent. It went 'Have you seen if we have got an email, or what!'. That was it. No salutations, nothing. So, I sent back a text message saying 'No email. I think you need to work on your telephone manners.' Now, that might have been the wrong thing to do, but how much more do I take?
I can make lists (goals) etc. until they come out of my ears, unless anything makes a difference, what's the point?
I think I just accept, it's done, and it's not worth the effort.
Hi Huddy. Glad you made a decision for yourself. It may be tough but if that's what you want then your a big boy and I'm sure everyone on here will support you
What's the next step.? Do you file for divorce or move out or ask her to leave ?
I'm sorry it's come to this and I hope your mind can rest a bit easier now
Moving forward how about some goals for Huddy and his kids. One of mi e was to watch all old 80 + 90s classic films. Only a small goal but we've watched all the die hard's , Star Wars , back to the futures , top gun , resident evils , etc and the kids love it. We are off to Spain I a few weeks and it's the first time for us all going to Lazarote so another goal achieved
In my sitch , I have let go of EXW , it doesn't mean I do t love her or that I don't see any future ever again but it does mean I improve for me and my kids and no one else My EXW is always telling me how great I am as a person and dad but I can honestly say it's water off a ducks back. It's nice but I wouldn't really mind if she noticed or not.
I'm a lot further along than you Huddy so I have the benefit of time on my side
While I understand your minds made up , it's might be wise to sit on you choice for w few weeks before taking action , to let your mind calm
Just my two pence worth
Take care. Rd
Honestly I don't hear that huddy has decided it is over. I hear and share the frustration, the apparent lack of hope, etc. There cones a point in every situation where the LBS will face the decision to keep fighting or to give up.. I believe that we (and I am in a similar mindset and situation( should at that point make that decision a few times over a space of time. If we can honestly say we have had enough, consistently the we have to go with that.
BUT I have read here, elsewhere and in another program I did before coming here, that it is often at that point that your W sees clearly and decided she does not really want out. Some threads here such as caliguy prove that is possible. But I believe that the decision has to be real. Even then it is not guaranteed, but you can live with that because you have decided that is what you want.
Easy for me to say ( and probably hypocritical viewing what I am saying about my situation) but I think that you should keep DBing. Make goals that will improve you and your mentality if it turns around or not.
As for going against DB principals, the main thing is to do what works.
Finally I am sure your W has seen a better you, but has she seen a Buddy really moving on? Think about that.
I wasn't planning on posting for a while. I'm distinctly hacked off with this process as I see little or no progress. I guess some things aren't meant to be. It's nearly six months (in week terms)and the toxicity has returned.
I can make lists (goals) etc. until they come out of my ears, unless anything makes a difference, what's the point?
I think I just accept, it's done, and it's not worth the effort.
OK, Huddy. Let's accept that "it's done".
Whats your general plan going forward? The way I see it, you have 3 choices:
1) File for divorce yourself.
2) Continue living together. Make things hostile. Ignore your W. Force her hand to file.
3) Continue down the path youve started.
Do options 1 or 2 really seem like what you want? Even if you choose them, then what? Unfortunately, we cant get off this ride just by saying we're tired of being on it. Even being divorced doesnt really get you off of it.
In my opinion, the only real way is to do what we're saying. Its not about "making lists". Its about improving yourself. Its about building you into the person only a fool would leave. Its about building yourself into the person that doesnt need your wife for happiness. You have 11 and a half threads documenting every single minor or major interaction with your wife. Youve spent 6 months focusing on how to change her mind. YES - I UNDERSTAND YOU ARE FRUSTRATED. AND TIRED. I would be too. Your only goal to this date has been "I want my wife to change her mind". So of course it looks like you havent made progress. Its been 6 months and youve achieved none of your goals.
But I contend that she is spewing at you way less (remember the counseling session - or whatever you Brits call it?), she left fr a couple weeks and came back, you arent getting lawyer letters, shes actually looking at you, and smiling at you now. But because youre so fixated on the end goal, these minor things blow past.
Ultimately, only you can decide your path forward. I just dont understand what proceeding down paths 1 or 2 above really gets you. In my opinion, the only way forward is forward. And that starts by starting over with a beginner's mind and then laying out what you want. Concretely.
Huddy, I'm sorry you're feeling this way and I think Azzork makes some good points. Reading your sitch recently, I'm not surprised you have reached this point. Watching your W so closely in this way and hoping, hoping that she would change her mind. That's exhausting and demoralising.
You say that you are hacked off with this process. If you mean DBing, then I don't truly think you have been practicing DB techniques. If you have a look at the central principles of DBing - detach, GAL, 180s etc. Do you think you have been doing these? Because I think you have remained very much attached with limited efforts at GAL, and struggling to look within yourself and make improvements too. Patience and time are also key in DBing, but watching closely as you have been is like watching grass grow.
Now, this may sound critical and it isn't meant to read that way. It's good news, because there are things you could do that you haven't been doing thus far. You've been shrugging them off when they have been suggested, and have gone straight back to what is happening with your W.
So, I think you could restart here.. But I also think you would have to draw a line under your approach thus far and start again. Can I ask if you ever carefully read either DB or DR - with a pencil in hand - and really thought closely about the principles and how you could apply them?
Ultimately it's up to you Huddy. I understand your pain and frustration and only you can decide what you want to do. If you decide to stick with the forum, we'll help and support all we can. Take care xx
Huddy, I think Azzorks post is good advice, please consider it.
As I have nobody to tell about my feelings/worries about my situation, I find I am back here, just to write it down. I am not asking for advice or any favours, this is just me writing down what is going on. I don't expect anybody to read it or comment, it's just for me, so I don't explode inside. I'm sorry if anybody has been 'bored' with my 11.5's worth of threads so far and the minutae of my interactions with my W.
So, back to my need to make my W feel loss. We have had a number of viewers look at the house in the past few days and we have two tomorrow. I said to my wife that we would get an offer soon and she said 'hopefully'. She then asked if I had arranged accommodation for when this happens. I replied in the positive and asked if she had. W told me she was on the council list and she would definately get something with my S's disability.
I would say that I was trying to make her feel loss was about to happen, but she was cold and then merely went on to tread the newspaper.
So, as I say, I feel that W is too far gone. She's stubborn and has set her mind. It's like an ant pushing a boulder; at some stage you realise that it isn't going to shift, so you might as well give up.
It doesn't look as if DB is going to work for me. There are many people on here living in hope that this technique works. Some people make it work, but I think that is when the partner hasn't really thought it through and was merely playing their other half. I don't think my W is playing me. I think the recent changes in her are just so she can keep things going in the house until the move. I think she has thought it through and decided, changes in me or not, that she wants out. A real WAW.
So, farewell folks. I'd like to say it's been fun, but the past 24 weeks have been a living hell, so it hasn't. I'd like to say I'll be moving on to better things, but I doubt it. I won't be with my children every day and that makes me incredibly sad. I don't recognise the woman who is sitting downstairs at all. She even trumped me on the underwear front - she's just bought some lace pants. I guess they're not for me.
So, as they say on News at Ten, here in the UK, and finally, I'd really like to thank NDY, Pyrite, Smoothy, Wonka, sandi2 and cadet for some help along the way. Sorry I can't be one of your success stories. That's all folks! Goodbye.
Huddy -
Just chiming in to wish you the best.
Just curious as to what your plan going forward actually is? Are you going to file? Move out? Start dating again?
Two things to think about as you head off:
1) saying that you are "done" doesn't get you off of the ride
2) there are no shortcuts to healing
Good luck, Huddy.
Hi Huddy. I'm sorry you are leaving the site. As I have posted before this DB journey is all about ourselves and no one else. you seem to take offence when people point out where we think your going wrong and it's not that we want to have a go at you its that we have being there and seen the cheeseless tunnel that your in.
I came on this board for a way to get my W back. We have four kids a beautiful home , money and 5 months before BD W told me she loved me more than life and more than or children. We are together 25 years and been through so much
I was devestaed and didn't want to live anymore. Without my kids who knows what would have happened.
W left and I looked for hope in EVERY convo or look. I never begged and I carried on as if. I have had 100s of positive signs in the last 11 months and lots of convos started by W about why she left and how I wasn't the problem and she's ruining her life and can't understand why. W doesn't take any money from me and lives a very much lower standard of life ( economical ) than myself
Last Tuesday she told me that she couldn't handle being a mother before and now she was feeling much more like her old self
I post all the above to show you that even if your W was treating you well , talking with your with love and caring , she still might not want to be married to you , just like my W
In my posts to you I was trying to show tough love , it was out of concern for your own mindset. You have posted , M is done , and yet you still look for signs it's not. At the moment your W is done , she's told you this so even if you saw signs she was changing her mind those signs could be wrong
I hope you take this post the way it's meant. I am where you are just further down the road. If your W wants back you will know.
Huddy needs to live life for Huddy and his kids. Life cl an change in a heart beat and hoping W returns to your M isn't a bad thing to do its just letting that hope control you that can be a bad idea.
All I posted above is very easy for me to post. I still analyse things W does and says but i now accept M was over the day of BD and any future with W will be a new R
I wish you well and would encourage you to stay on the forum as the vets offer fantastic advice and while that might not bring back your M, it will most certainly help Huddy become the best Huddy possible
Take care of hourself and your kids. Rd
^^^ excellent post rd.
Huddy, I'm sorry everything is catching up with you and your patience is done. I've also experienced that place where I just don't see W coming back at all. Shes done with the W and our path to D is what will likely happen. My W is incredibly stubborn also and I've heard it from more than one person who knows my side that even if she did have second thoughts her pride and stubbornness wouldn't let her admit she was wrong. It certainly hurts, I understand your pain and the point your at now. All I can say is let things happen and keep DB'ing for you, not her. Accept shes done and let things play out however they play out. Take the good things in your life and appreciate them, don't focus on the bad.
[quote=rd500
I came on this board for a way to get my W back. We have four kids a beautiful home , money and 5 months before BD W told me she loved me more than life and more than or children. We are together 25 years and been through so much
I was devestaed and didn't want to live anymore. Without my kids who knows what would have happened.
W left and I looked for hope in EVERY convo or look.I have had 100s of positive signs in the last 11 months and lots of convos started by W about why she left and how I wasn't the problem and she's ruining her life and can't understand why. W doesn't take any money from me and lives a very much lower standard of life ( economical ) than myself
I post all the above to show you that even if your W was treating you well , talking with your with love and caring , she still might not want to be married to you , just like my W
In my posts to you I was trying to show tough love , it was out of concern for your own mindset. You have posted , M is done , and yet you still look for signs it's not. At the moment your W is done , she's told you this so even if you saw signs she was changing her mind those signs could be wrong
I hope you take this post the way it's meant. I am where you are just further down the road. If your W wants back you will know.
Huddy needs to live life for Huddy and his kids. Life cl an change in a heart beat and hoping W returns to your M isn't a bad thing to do its just letting that hope control you that can be a bad idea.
All I posted above is very easy for me to post. I still analyse things W does and says but i now accept M was over the day of BD and any future with W will be a new R
EVERYTHING and I mean everything you have just saiid to Huddy relates exactly to me and to my sitch [/quote]
I've also experienced that place where I just don't see W coming back at all. Shes done with the M and our path to D is what will likely happen.
My W is incredibly stubborn also and I've heard it from more than one person who knows my side that even if she did have second thoughts her pride and stubbornness wouldn't let her admit she was wrong. It certainly hurts, I understand your pain and the point your at now. All I can say is let things happen and keep DB'ing for you, not her. Accept shes done and let things play out however they play out. Take the good things in your life and appreciate them, don't focus on the bad.
Hi Huddy, best of luck with things. You know where we are if you need us and we'll always try and help if you decide to resume posting.
Please remember that so many WAS's seem totally done. But time shows that some are not. However it does take time and patience. But if there is still love in your heart, and a desire to reconcile, there is always hope.
Take care, Sotto.
Hi Huddy.
My sitch is (was) much the same as yours. I had an in-house separation for 4.5 years and it nearly killed me. I found I watched everything H did, analysed everything he said and all that did was make me more unhappy and completely shattered my self esteem.
My H has been having an emotional affair with a woman at work for 5 years now, and the last time I saw correspendence between them (1 month ago) I asked him to leave. I held on for this long time because I couldn't bring myself to break up my family. But by allowing him to continue his affair in our house it has made me resent him. I actually am unable to look at him now, I resent him for what he's done so much.
I feel a LOT better since he's no longer under my nose. I go out and watch films and have joined lots of clubs to keep me going. H is NOT the centre of my world anymore.I take care of the children as best I can, and spend lots of time with them doing nice things, but my life is my own now. Maybe it takes a long time to get to this point, but it's worth it. I know I must still love H (even though I can't look at him) because it still hurts me and I still get very emotional. But I:m loving him from a distance, protecting myself and my children from the fallout.
Please don't make the same mistake I made in allowing your W to mistreat you this way. If she isn't happy with you, ask her (politely) to leave. Then leave her to live her own life. don't call. Don't email. Don't ask for anything from her. Communicat e only about the children. She doesn't want to be with you at this moment, and you can't force her to want you again. All you can do is to leave her to it. Maybe one day she'll come back. Maybe she won't. But by then your life will be filled with things you like to do so it won't seem quite as bad. You CAN move beyond this stage.
Huddy,
You and all of us have written post after post about our interactions with S. One of the first advice given is to keep posting. We hope that the more wewrite the better the chance that someone will spot something important that will help..
I hear your hell. I understand your lack of hope. And it is certain that such a situation cannot continue. You have received loafs of genuine advice and concern recently so I will try not repeat that here.
I has a long winded post. But I'll leave it as best of luck mate.
Hey buddy.
I hope you come back here just one last time to read my post. We became online mates during the worst of times. And here we are. We've both given up. The pursuit/distancer dance didn't work, the being Huddy 2.0 didn't work. The Gal didn't work. Yea, our W's are gone. I get that and so do you.
And yes, it's sh!t but that's what it is. All I can say is that the world of pain you were in all those months ago has been firmly left behind. We can't be hurt anymore. At least you have that.
And you've been a stand up guy. Your whole being was consumed in saving your M, but you are at that stage. A stage I reached not that long ago. It's a kicker. A real kicker to look into the eyes of your W and not feel the love anymore. But like you say. You can't keep this up. Not anymore.
People encouraged me to post more. And I do come back every now and again for a peek but the reality for us both is that we need to move on. That is build a new existence. And we will, just not with our wife's.
Peace my friend. I'm thinking of you.
Hi NDY
It wasn't my plan to come back, but I was just checking my posts to make sure I hadn't said anything over personal.
Under DB, my W has become more toxic, especially as I have been applying some 'hardened' techniques. I just can't see her returning/turning back. I don't see how she could back down from her stance and I certainly don't see her making any efforts to notice any changes.
So, much so, on Sunday, after our exchange on Saturday, she accidently pushed my S off the seat, injuring his back. I could see she was shocked, but it still didn't pull her out of the fog. W has also been toxic as I have refused to do things for her (an example being not renewing her car insurance).
I also have a significant section of people at my work saying I am doing it all wrong and I should be treating her to flowers, chocolates etc. I just don't think that'll work.
So, I love my W, but don't see her coming back. Plans are now afoot for when the house sells. I think I will have to file next April as life is too short and I need somebody who wants to be with me. I'm not getting any younger and I need somebody to be my mate.
I hear you mate and I understand how you feel.
If you've seen my resent development you'll know that there is no way back for me now. Not a chance. OM is now hanging out at the SIL's house and hanging out with S10. House goes on the market this week and well, she's pregnant so...
Hi NDY
Well, so much for not letting OM move in etc. You're selling up? I thought you were buying her out?
Just can't continue to live there mate. Too many memories. Besides, I'd be OM's neighbour and that's not healthy for anyone.
No, that is not good. He should be ashamed of himself.
Week 25
I'm back to ask for some specific advice. It looks likely that our house has sold this weekend. We have a number of offers and they are in the right region. W has asked what we should do and I have decided to leave the final decision to her.
When we were sat in the living room this afternoon, I noticed W starting to shed tears. She wiped them away, discretely, but they were genuine tears. I mentioned nothing, but see her continuing in the reflection in the television.
I noticed she was biting her nails furiously as well. Is this the start of 'loss'? I don't know what to do. Do I continue being the DB person I have become (I have regained my confidence and am acting as if this is going to happen and are happy to let it be) or do I ask her if this is something she wants to talk about? I'm scared sh1tless that I'm doing something wrong, with this sign of weakness.
I think I know what the answer is, but I could do with one of the vets piling in with their tuppenceworth.
Hi Huddy, it sounds like you guys may have a bidding war on your hands.
From what you say, it sounds as though W is both finding it stressful and also feeling emotional. It's hard to say what that might mean. It might be the start of loss, it might be - oh heck, gotta sort myself out with a place - I don't know.
I wouldn't initiate a R convo that's for sure. But if there are practical things to discuss about selling, that's fine. I would say stick to business, but do so in a kind and pleasant way. If she is truly feeling the loss now, she would open up I think. You don't need to go there yourself.
Good luck with things. Do you have your own plans in place for moving??
HI Sotto
Yes, I have my plans ready. W received a NIN (not in need) notice from the local council regarding council housing, so, unless she goes back to her parents, she can't afford a property on her own.
I know. She needs to start the convo, but I think her pride will hold her back.
Hold back on chat. It could be a good sign or it could be a lit of things. Don't rush in to save her or give in to the pressure that selling may create.
Glad you popped back. Hope you drop back again just to let us know what happens down the line regardless if you keep dbing or not.
Good luck.
Hi Roiste
I just hate seeing her like that. But, she'll need to come to the party if she wants anything to happen.
I understand.
I don't know what your odds are for saving R. But I, think it is still possible. And I think W needs to face the reality of first having no house and she secondly that she is losing you too. That can't happen if you charge in to rescue her.
That is just my opinion.I am definitely no expert.
Week 26
Well, that's six months in old money!
I suppose I'm a bit like a pilot. I've got the controls in my hand, I can fly the plane in a straight fashion, all I've got to do now is put it on the ground. Sounds easy, right?
Being away from the boards has helped a bit. I feel more relaxed than I did. So, let's review.
Well, I'm certainly not needy or falling apart as I was in the first couple of months. I was a mess of tears and snot. No, that doesn't sound good does it? I'm now more confident and it shows. People at work have said so and also compliment me on the fact that I have patience that they wouldn't possess.
I'm enjoying the kids a lot more. I spend every moment I can talking to them and playing with them. Just this morning, me and my D had a roll about in the living room with an enormous ball, right in front of W. It's more difficult with my S and his disability, but, he is coming on and has some speech now, which he regressed from when BD was put in place.
My SD is off the anti depressant tablets, has been for a while. Strangely, W has encouraged her to go for council housing as well, despite her having no income as she has gone back to college. I have tried to explain to her that she needs money to live alone, but I think this is just a way for W to club me with.
GAL hasn't involved much going out, but I have spent more time reading etc. and now have a good exercise regime which doesn't impact on my day.
So, to W and our interactions. Well, she appears to have stopped L action. I haven't had a letter since July and she hasn't brought it up. While we talk about kids etc., she doesn't call me during the day, and neither do I. You could say that I don't pursue, but as we still live together, using sandi2's rules, even me being there could be pursual.
W's mood goes from just plain old ignorant to asking me if I've watched a TV show to telling me where she's going to being miserable. That's what makes me think this is a MLC.
I have accepted that (as we are selling the house) W is going off on her own, but I have noticed signs of 'loss'. Last week I saw her cry, just a little, when we were discussing (three sentences) house sale. She did call twice about something trivial, now I recall, last Sunday, but that's it.
So, what to do next? When my W left her first husband, he left her alone for six weeks before going to see her and my SD who was an infant then. W told me that he'd left it too long, but I could never work out if that was to get her back or to see SD. My W is hellishly stubborn, and finds it incredibly difficult to 'turn back' or admit she is wrong.
Do I carry on the path or shall I make some kind of conciliatory noises? What to do? I catch her looking at me, every now and again; craft, wistful looks that suggests she doesn't want to lose me. But what if I say something and it just reignites the 'needy' gene in her system again?
This is a very fine one to judge. This is the confusing, patience sapping zone.
Huddy I would be the oust DBUster to even try and give you advice but I am thinking of you
I am sure others will be along soon,
Take care my friend
Ghost
If your W wants back in, you will know. It won't be subtle, it will be very clear, sung from the rafters.
V
It's nice to see you back Huddy. If she changed her mind and wants you back,
is she the type to do the work on herself that you deserve from a partner?
If your W wants back in, you will know. It won't be subtle, it will be very clear, sung from the rafters.
V
Not trying to hijack
Is this always how they return sung from the rafters ? Do they not ever comeback slowly ...I was just wondering many waw leave slowly making the decision to leave over sometimes many years of unhappiness
Yes, when the decide they want back in, it's usually with enormous energy and deliberation.
V
Deliberation? Testing the patience, more like!
I have the day off today. The weather is awful, so decided to have a lie in and lounge about. I didn't tell W I was going to be off, so she was surprised when she saw me still in the house when she got up.
W decided to try and start an argument when I got to the kitchen. Managed to avoid being dragged in. I guess this is a temp check. My SD was late for college, so asked me to take her in the car. After telling her she needed to get herself together, she told me that she had arranged this with W. I feel like a taxi driver! Why try an argument then expect me to run everyone around?
I was looking at some cartoons with my D before school on my W's tablet computer when my D stumbled on her search history. In it are links to websites about slimming pills, tummy tucks and how to tell your husband you're having a baby with somebody else! Really confused. Should I challenge this with her?
Wow. That must have gotten your head spinning.... the internet history.
Ye are already split up and struggling in the same house. You cannot split up again and from what I understand ye cannot move before house sells. So confronting her cannot bring anything good.
We all look up stuff on internet that may not mean what an onlooker thinks seeing our research. Without dwelling on it, does it seem plausible?
Good luck mate
I have the day off today. The weather is awful, so decided to have a lie in and lounge about. I didn't tell W I was going to be off, so she was surprised when she saw me still in the house when she got up.
W decided to try and start an argument when I got to the kitchen. Managed to avoid being dragged in. I guess this is a temp check. My SD was late for college, so asked me to take her in the car. After telling her she needed to get herself together, she told me that she had arranged this with W. I feel like a taxi driver! Why try an argument then expect me to run everyone around?
I was looking at some cartoons with my D before school on my W's tablet computer when my D stumbled on her search history. In it are links to websites about slimming pills, tummy tucks and how to tell your husband you're having a baby with somebody else! Really confused. Should I challenge this with her?
Wow, wait. Was there a lot about the baby in the history? I mean, it's easy to accidentally click on a link and the cookie will be saved even if you don't read it but if there a numerous links then I'd be thinking about asking.
Your W is 50? Is it likely she would want to risk getting pregnant at that age?
Maybe she is hanging out with other women who are also leaving their husbands, it's not unusual to bond with others in similar situations.
More likely she is winding.
V
Hi Folks
I haven't asked. Sadly, I have been looking at my W's belly (sneekly) all day! Intel from SD, however, reveals that W's friend is having a baby. I don't know anymore than that and the internet history doesn't add anymore to it. I think that's a phew on my part.
NDY - how you doing bud? I came across this by accident as it's a table I don't normally use and my D was messing about with it. I know she spent all morning with this friend as her D is in the same class as my D and she told me 'Mummy has been to see (friend's daughter) today as she wasn't well. Gold dust from a five year old. I could have eaten her up at that point!
Hi Roiste
That set me going like a good 'un, especially when W went out for three hours. This friend is the one who split up with her H in January and then got back together soon after.
Hi Painter
No, I have no ability to have any more children! W has also taken steps to have no more, but, as I don't know what's really going on right now, anything could have happened.
Hi Vanilla
Winding? I've not heard that one before.
Generally, I have been following the DB rules with gusto. I have started wearing aftershave again, have new threads, look confident and have been pleasant to W and having a really good time with the kids. It still hurts so much!
Making loud rude noises from nethers
V
Generally, I have been following the DB rules with gusto. I have started wearing aftershave again, have new threads, look confident and have been pleasant to W and having a really good time with the kids.
Huddy - Im glad to see you posting again, even if it's sporadically.
What you wrote ^^^ is good, and I will recommend whole-heartedly all of Sandi's rules. But Im not sure that I would say that this is "DB-ing". All of that is a part of it, but theres a lot more than just that. I hope that some day that you will at least give the rest a serious shot.
Wishing you good luck.
Hi V
Ah, got you!
Hi Azzork
I have 'let go' as much as I can whilst in the same house. Still working on things.
False alarm..... good. Would have been v strange if both you and NDY had that on your plates.
I'll let Az answer but I think he means tweaking your actions and interactions in relation to specific goals re W.
Good luck mate.
So, nightmares are back at the minute. That's a shame as I'd been sleeping pretty well. Past three nights I'm only getting 4/5 hours, so a bit tired. This is causing me to fall asleep in the bath!
I'm struggling with being the lighthouse. I've been re-reading this section and I understand the principles. I am, internally, worried that if my W takes my kids away, I'll be unable to forgive that. My D (who is five)is telling me every day that she doesn't want me to go and is being really clingy. This, obviously upsets me greatly, but I can't let W see that and I have resisted telling her that is what my D is saying. My D says she doesn't want to tell W, as she'll get angry with her.
I'm also struggling with 'doing what's working'. OK, I see how doing what I'm doing now has stopped the spew and it's all calmed down, but it $ucks. I've tried to do some basic communication with her (you know, hello, how are you) but I get no response, or limited response, so I've gone back to drinking STFU smoothies, but they taste terrible!
As for pregnancy, that appears to be about her friend. That's a weight off my mind. I feel for NDY in this sitch. Again, it's a fire I don't know if I could control.
GAL is mainly reading, exercising etc. which I enjoy. Playing with the kids is good as well. W has had to deal with her own car insurance renewal (much to her disgust - she tutted at me when I said I wasn't dealing with it) and she is in a depressive cycle.
Not being a vet, take this with a pinch of salt, but from reading here that is good. She is facing reality and getting closer to being separated from you, she is still not happy.She is getting what she wants and is not happy. Maybe just maybe she will realize that.
But she is most likely still blaming you. She had to get out of her M because of you and now the future looks crap because of you.
One day she will realise it is not because of you. She is unhappywith or without you.
I understand how you will find it hard to forgive your W for splitting the family. I also understand that it will be harder for you to accept her back once that step is taken. Cross that bridge later if you get to it.
As for doing what works, yes it does suck when nothing seems to help. But recently Michelle said that sometimes the best we fan fi us to stop the downward spiral. And that is already big success.
Good luck. Any news on house sale?
Huddy hearing roistering get that she has to see that she has to see being unhappy when leaving made sence to me at the moment all my w keeps saying is that she feels better now we have seperated
I am thinking about you huddy
Take care
Ghost
Hi Roiste
Yes, unhappy she is (sound like Yoda). Happiness is here and in the future, not in the past. I also noticed in her internet history, she'd been looking at people she'd been at school with, and not seen from 35 years ago. There is no need to go back, come forward with me!
House sales in the UK are notoriously slow to formulate. More viewers, more survey downloads. It's getting tiresome as well.
Hi Ghost
Remember the 0/50 rule from sandi2. She's still in spew mode with you. Calm down a bit here and drink those horrible STFU smoothies!
W actually phoned me today! Ok, it was mundane stuff she was asking about, but we had a couple of minutes conversation. I was pleasant throughout, agreed with what she wanted, was warm but not over enthusiastic and ended the call first. It felt normal, but I could tell she was still awkward and distant.
I would like to get some convo going with her, but how? I am assuming when I return home today, I will get the silent treatment, which I hate.
Huddy I remember a while back you posting on my thread not sure if it was your 1000 post but ....today my friend you can have my 500th
Take care my friend
Ghost
Week 27
Funny thing, my S, who can only talk in basic sentences, started saying 'no nanans' today, out of the blue. 'Nanans is a UK term for Grandmother, and this is where my W has threatened to go to. The fact that he has said this, with no prompting is odd. Obviously, to my W, I had been priming him to say it (with his disability this would have been difficult and that's not my style) and she said to him 'I wonder who's put that idea in your head?'. Taking a sidewards glance at me.
Now, a few months ago, old Huddy would have said something, explained that he hadn't done anything and would have got in to a fight. Huddy 2.0 said jack and carried on watching the TV, avoiding the chance for W to start a war and gain 'control' points form it. Feel excellent about this self control!
So, for any newbies reading this dreadful long, tedious story of my marriage being destroyed by the woman I love, I have the following words of advice. Being nice won't work. Being nasty and hard won't work. Running around like a blue arsed fly, doing every bit of housework or babysitting duties in the house won't work. Arguing, begging, pleading really won't work. STFU and just do something different instead. It's hard, really hard. You'll hate yourself and your other half, but it really is the only way to try and get some peace and start feeling better.
GAL is difficult and doesn't mean you have to go out every night. Do things that are of interest to yourself and choose to do them because it's what you want to do, not what your W/H wants you to do. Don't worry too much it they throw the 'you're not attractive' card at you. They're running scared, full of resentment that has built up over such a long time. More than likely, they don't want to lose you, but can't see a way right now to change the situation.
Hey, I've given up, but come back. Use the forum to your advantage. Some people like to give themselves lots of goals to fulfil. Well, that's not for me, but if it works for you, then why not?
Personally, I don't know if I could forgive my W if she broke up the family by taking the kids away. We'll see, when/if that happens, but, you have to develop a coping strategy to deal with everything and realise that 'moving on' doesn't have to mean 'leaving behind'.
You sound strong mate. Like it. People said to me months ago "you ain't seen the worst yet". And they were right. I still like V's advice on my thread. Just let it go.....
Hi NDY
How you doing? How's the house selling/hunting going? Any word from your STBXW?
Hi mate
House hunting is ok. I've had a bit of interest in this place but nothing solid yo.
As for the STBX, yes I've heard from her. She's in a panic about her pention thinking she will owe me money, which may well be true but she basically wants me to be the nice guy and not take it. There were a flurry of emails the other day and I was happy to discuss it with her until the lies started. Then I had to cut her off.
I'm not doing the 'validating' thing any more, I'm calling her out. I'm sick of her looking at me for the source of all her woes. Even now, after all this time she's still doing it.
Crazy.
Hi Bud
Selling/buying/renting really is a pain in the backside. People traipsing trough your house day after day - it's getting a bit old.
No way being the nice guy. You haven't done anything wrong. She wants all this, and more besides, so she has to take the consequences. She is the master of her own downfall. She has to take the consequences of her actions, good or bad.
The irony is that I don't want her money. I want her to pay for this D and my legal fees and that's it. Not a penny more. But I do want the lies to stop.
So, slight feeling of worry.
Our house has now sold. My W has phoned to tell me she has accepted an offer at the full market price wit the new people wanting in in December.
Phone call was pleasant, but I don't know what is going to happen next. My emotions are a bit flakey right now. I don't want her to go back to her parents 230 miles away with the children. I know she knows that. I don't want to look needy but I'm dying inside at the thought of my kids not being with me. It's going to be another five hours before I see her. Worried I'm not going to handle this well.
That blows mate. Uncharted territory here. Needs someone with more experience than me to deal with this. Man hug from the west coast.
Cheers NDY. Bat signal to Wonka or sandi2.
Huddy
I can feel your concern
I am thinking of you
Ghost
Thanks Ghost. 90 minutes and I'll be home. Wonder what to do?
Be like Clint. It's here now. No hiding. If this were me my first concern would be where are the kids going to live. That has to be agreed and remember you W doesn't get to decide in isolation. The law is very clear on this. Both you and her have a responsibility to make sure the other parent has 'reasonable access'. You need to retain a lawyer asap IMO. Painter may be a good person to reach for here.
Got home. Can you believe she's made tea to celebrate the fact we don't have to show anybody else around. As she has no housing alternatives in Scotland she has decided to move to her parents, 230 miles away. I asked her if this is what she really wanted and she said it was.
I told her I couldn't forgive her for taking my children away and that I hated her. OK, my emotion took over here, I was wrong - very wrong for shouting, but I'm dying here. I asked what my 'crime' was that she wanted to break our marriage up and she said 'we just go around in circles. I told you at the start I just don't find you physically attractive anymore'.
NDY, I reminded her that in Scotland I have a right to determine where my children live and that I have automatic 50/50 rights over access. She said her L told her as we are in the same country (the UK) she could take the kids where she wanted. Sadly, I'm skint, so can't get a lawyer, so don't know where to turn.
I'm desperately trying to keep a good, confident approach here, but fear I am going to slip soon. I don't know what else to do. Maybe I shouldn't have told her I hate her, but, I will if she takes my kids away.
Melting here. So upset. Want to cry, but don't want her to know that.
Huddy, mate. Sorry about that.
First, just breath. Calm down a bit.
So your WAS's L is technically correct in as much as she is isn't leaving the country. But that's still not what is meant by reasonable access. That's something else altogether.
Second, hang the money. Get a loan, use your half of the equity from the hose, borrow from friends but GET A LAWYER. It's the only way you have any chance of stopping her in her tracks. Look, you need an interim agreement before you can conclude the missives so you have no choice here. You need to retain a lawyer who's on your side. Your W's lawyer is on her side, remember?
Seriously, you should have read the first lawyers letter I got. It was laughable. But that's because I spent my time reading up on divorce law so my lawyer and I already knew how to respond. Seriously mate she doesn't hold all the cards.
Huddy, I'm sorry to hear this. I do think you need some good advice on the options here. Is it okay for your W to do this? Can it be challenged? It is a long way and of course that impacts on your future R with your kids. I understand what you are saying, but if your W has a L, I think you need to see one too. As a minimum, might you benefit from a free half hour consult that most L's offer.
Or failing that, might the citizens advice bureau be able to help? It sounds clear that your W perceives herself to be 'done' just now. That could change in time of course and it's your decision as to whether you choose to stand further for your M once the house is sold. But for now, it doesn't sound as though having discussions like you describe above is going to help - though I can understand as your emotions are running high.
So, maybe try and focus on two things - firstly, getting some good advice on the legalities of what your W hopes to do - and secondly, not making things any worse with your W just now.
So sorry to read of your news and do take care my friend (((Huddy)))
Huddy ,just wanted to stop by and offer support for you today. Hope things turn around and you can stay near your kids. Good luck.
Sotto, here in Scotland the answer is yes, it can be challenged and it's time Huddy's wife begins to realise it. He needs a lawyer.
I thought I was beyond the emotion stage, but hey, it comes back up and $hits right on your face.
I've just bathed my S. I can't look at him without wanting to burst in to tears. I'm typing this now with them welling up.
I'm trying not to say anything to W, but I just couldn't stop when I came in. It's like I said a few weeks back, she won't turn, she's too stubborn. I could understand if she was having an affair or something, but she isn't. So, it seems like a full on MLC. My W has told me for the past 11 years she never wants to go back to our old home city, and here she is, running off to it.
It doesn't seem like she is feeling any kind of loss either. It just seems fruitless.
I did try a lawyer a few months ago and the costs are astronomical, I just don't think I could even raise a loan to pay for one. Will investigate tomorrow. Seem to be back at stage 1.
Huddy. I wish I could give you me personal contact somehow but I can't. First, hang the money. It's only money. I know that stage of the process but getting a Lnis a necessity. Second, Austin Lafferty have a very good article on divorce law here in Scotland. Try finding that. The strength you will find is in what's best for you and your children. They didn't ask for this and don't deserve to be moved like that. This my friend is your bottom. We all have one and I had mine a couple of months ago, remember?
Don't investigate, DO. You must do this. You have options and you need to start exploring them. Your W doesn't feel any loss because she's getting exactly what she wants.
Time to fight back.
Thanks bud, will check that out. Had a cry in the bath. 43 and crying, what a penis I feel. Will look at a D tomorrow. Checking out for tonight. Thanks for everybody stopping by. Hopefully a bit more composed tomorrow.
Mate. It's ok to feel emotional. It's here now. Reality time. This my friend is the turning point. We all have one and trust me, it takes a barrel load of sh!t to go down before you realise that yes, this is your reality. I'm willing to bet that for all this time you never really believed she would go through with it. Well she is.
Mate. I know it's hard. I would die if I couldn't be with S10. That's where my motivation to get through this came from. Sure I'd prefer it if we were still a family but we're not.
True story time. My mate txt me the other day about seeing the OM on my WW's social media. I'm not connected to that anymore. My feelings on it? Meh. So what. She done with me and I'm done with her. But I'm not dropping out of S10's life. That my friend is where you need to be.
I know you won't sleep much tonight. I've been there and my thoughts are with you mate.
I'll keep checking in every now and again just in case.
Peace
Huddy, it's not odd that you had a strong emotional reaction to this event. It must feel like a huge threat to lose your home and fear to lose your children, and of course grieve your marriage.
But I can guarantee you that part of that emotional reaction is due to you not knowing your rights. In the absence of facts and knowledge, we feel fear, which elicits an emotional reaction. If you have the knowledge, you won't feel fear anymore, because you'll know what the options are and what your power is. There may still be uncertainty, but it's not nearly as overwhelming or scary.
If you google "UK fathers' rights organisations", you will find a number of entities that could possibly help you with general information and what your next step would be.
Lawyers can vary in price, maybe one of these organisations can put you in touch with someone who will work with you on a payment schedule. Most L's will interview with you at an hourly rate, or even for free. That is where you should start, because you will get so much useful info just through that consult, and make sure you find a L who works the way you want. If you bring your information properly organised, they can explain how they would approach the situation and what the law says.
Most L's will probably want an initial downpayment to actually start working your case, but you should try to find the money somehow right now to get started. Make these calls right away, especially if your W already has a L!
^^this.
Thank you painter.
Question,why can you not give your details to huddy if you want to surly you could just create a tempery email address post the link here make contact then scrap the email address ...I am pretty sure some temp email addresses auto expire anyway......or is this against forum rules ? Not wanting to get in trouble
Just an idea
Ghost
Hi Ghost. It's against the rules unfortunately. But Huddy and I are only a short distance away and I'd be happy to meet him somewhere in the middle.
Huddy, how about it? I can meet you in Stirling?
Sorry for your strife huddy.
Not to put salt in your wounds but your gift of time should have been used in part to arm yourself against this possibility.TThat being said is the info you collected at the start of the summer of use. You managed to dissuade her then. What is different?
Also, out of curiosity why does W get to decide alone about agreeing sale? This changes nothing but I missed why you don't have to agre/sign.
Lastly I agree with the others here. You need a L. F#@k the money. Are you entitled to half house money?? Regardless this is about your kids.Theyare priceless.
Why does W believe she has custody?Surely you are equally entitled and as such the kids should stay with you. Ignore my questions if you are too busy figuring this out. I just trying to: understand fully.
Best of luck mate.
Hello Huddy,
Surprise! Just swinging by to write that I haven't forgotten about you or anyone else on this forum.
It's VERY hard, but do your best to keep your emotions in check.
Bob
Good morning, one and all
Well NDY, of course you were right. I thought when the house was sold she would, somehow, see the reality of it all and wake up. Of course, she always had the ace up her sleeve of going back to her parents, which, she has now played for the third time.
Whilst reality has well and truly got me, it just doesn't seem to affect my W. She seems carefree that my SD could become homeless (she's told her to go to the council for housing) and the fact that she's taking my beloved children away doesn't seem to faze her one bit. I. of course, won't see my SD homeless and have texted her this fact on the way to work. You might see that as 'not dropping the rope' as there would still be a connection, but I'm not going to see a girl I have brought up as my own for nearly 17 years on the street.
W's behaviour got more disrespectful last night and, surprise surprise, it was my fault. She yelled at me to 'turn the tv down'. I didn't do it because she didn't say please (might be seen as petty, but the kids were there and how are they gonna learn manners when W hasn't got any)and then said it was 'my fault' as I 'wasn't being nice to her'. Classic script.
Woke up at 0145, stayed awake for a couple of hours and then dozed until 0550 wen it was time to go to work.
So, here's my plan. Azzork would call these goals, so, here we go:
1)Find a flat
2)Let her go
3)Maintain a PMA and good attitude for the rest of the coming time
4)Keep emotions in check
5)No arguing in front of kids
6)Hope that W finally realises the damage she is doing.
6 is probably more hope than expectations. 2 is for me. I realise that she hasn't felt loss at all as I'm still here and we're not really separated.
It's like a second BD, just managed to keep it together a bit better this time and thankfully didn't resort to begging, pleading etc.
My work has offered my facilities for moving etc. so that's one worry out of the way. My previous L said it would be in my favour to not do anything about the kids until she's gone, as the court would look favourably on me. I'm going to seek a second opinion but I can't press the go button on action until she's gone, as I really have no free funds at all.
NDY - yes a meet would be great at some point in the next couple of weeks.
Morning Mate
Glad you are back. I'll let the other chip in RE last night but for now just know that I'd be happy to meet up and we can talk things through. I know how you are feeling today and it s*cks big time.
But it's not the end. It will work out.
Let me know when you want to meet.
Hi NDY
Will do. I now have to get a new bank account sorted in order to sort out a flat for myself. There doesn't appear to be a shortage of two beds in my price range, so, I just need to get practicals sorted this week and I'm good to go.
I've been thinking about rebellion. My W actually seems to be enjoying the hurt she's inflicting. I find the whole thing quite baffling. I have decided that I'm not going to help her do anything for the move. That seems harsh, but how is she to learn what a $hitstorm is coming her way unless she does everything herself? Do feel free to aim advice/criticism my way if you feel this approach is wrong. I'll clarify that I will do things for my children.
Not a vet and I'm off the DB diet but I can say that I agree. My WW has done nothing in this process and it's all been down to me. The rebellion bit is quite true. I believe there is a lot of that going on and my WW has IMO done everything in her power to burn every bridge between her and I. So I see what you are saying.
Sort it for you and the kids. One other thing I wanted to mention is that when I retained a L is was only £300. I don't have the final bill yet but was expecting to use the money from the house sale or, as I said before from the WW's pension. Not sure if that helps or not.