WAW two months ago from a 15 year marriage. She petitioned for divorce and I have 30 days to respond. children .... So LOST.. Relief to anger to confusion.. In hindsight I Was not the best husband, in some regard, but the threat of divorce truly TRULY woke me up. Contact is minimal and brief.. Suspect a possible EA, but unsure if that is my own issue. Is it ok to ask? If it were the case I would likely concede.. Don't know... Have done nothing crazy yet like beg or plead yet.. Just sent way too many cards... DR on the way.
Needing some concrete advice.. Your work is cut out for you.. Give me a next step. I understand self help (activities / exercise / be happy) but I believe if I do nothing the marriage ends!
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
We feel your pain, a lot of us are going through what you're going through right now. Why do you suspect EA?
I would stop with the letters as that is pleading.
I will be praying for you!
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Ilynot
Saw an earlier post from you.. Believe my situation is almost identical to yours. What worked for you and / or relationship? Stopped with the letters 9 days ago. Suspect ea because of odd conversations we had prior to her leaving.. Don't know.. Likely could be paranoid... I am curious to hear back from you and others. Seems like the advice centers around cutting off contact and focusing on yourself??? Thanks for the prayers...
Yes stop pursuing and DETACH
Glove,
Sorry you are here.
In hindsight I Was not the best husband, in some regard
Can you go in to a little more detail on this? What are W's motivating factors for petitioning for D? What is your current living situation? Have you talked with a L?
Suspect a possible EA, but unsure if that is my own issue. Is it ok to ask?
What do you think W's response would be if she is? W's response if she isn't? Is there really anything to gain by asking?
Give me a next step. I understand self help (activities / exercise / be happy) but I believe if I do nothing the marriage ends!
Yes, a big part of this is GALing and limiting contact to W. Another piece is W most likely expects you to do x, y and z given the situation. If you instead do a, b and c, this changes the dynamic.
You wrote that DR is on the way. Once you get it, make it your guide to a playbook. Determine your path and work on it. Too many people come here looking for easy answers at the start. It takes work.
And you have to accept that there are no guarantees other than this shall pass. It may end with M being restored; it may end in D. The only thing you control is you, so become a better you out of this.
Hi. Sorry you are here. My best piece of advise is to listen to what vets tell you and read. Read everything youc an get your hands on. It helps a lot. It gives you guidance and strength
We are all here for you. This is the best support you could ever get anywhere
Too many times I focused on my needs & wants. She was set aside and sacrificed a lot. She talked to me and it didn't matter enough for me to change. I deserve to be where I am. It is so true that an imminent divorce brings people out of the fog. I see it so clearly now and would love the chance to make it right and know that I could. Don't think I am going to ask about the ea... Way too risky
It is hopeful to see your in your signature that it turned around for you all.
Forgot to mention.. No lawyer for me...
Separated from spouse for 16 weeks. D paperwork on the way. Reading DR. Suspect EA due to odd talks and phone password changed. Curious of who favors it being ok to ask vs terrible idea. advise. My thinking is this.. If it is I would bow down to a divorce locking in on gal .. If not, gives me motivation to try til the day of the D. It causes stress wondering.
Interested in what those in this forum thoughts are. Yes / No with explanation
Don't ask she will most likely lie to you. Read sandi post 37 rules. My story is similar to yours
Hi. Sorry this is happening to you. Re your question , do you honestly think she would tell you the truth ? Why does it matter ? I ask that because of course it MATTERS but how will it change your Ws view of wanting a divorce ?
If she is then she is and wants a divorce
If she isn't then she still wants a divorce
Please understand I know why you need to know but it doesn't change what's happening
This is the hard part , your W doesnt want your M. Maybe for ever and maybe not
Focus on you and what you can do to impo rove you and your life
Take care. Rd
Glove - Heres my opinion and take it for what it's worth.
My belief is that your W could be sleeping with everyone at the local fire station and it doesn't really make a difference to you right now. She doesn't want to be married, so in her mind, she's already single. For her now, it's not an EA, it's the start of her next relationship.
Now, if the time comes when she is considering reconciling, THAT is the time when what she is doing now matters.
Don't do anything. NOTHING. Read every link in cadet's welcome email, particularly the WW vs WAW links. Read other people's sitch's. Stay distant from WAS.
Maybe if you spend 1-2 hours on this board daily, in a week or two you'll have some ideas on how to handle yourself. Anything you do without 10-20 hours of study first will likely be a disaster.
Is your M worth that preparation and effort?
Just my 2 cents...
Applying lrt for 10 days. Contact is minimal (we exchange kids and calls / texts) I have noticed she is softening slightly. Will ask me how I am.. Phone calls last longer. I have made a point of initiating the end of all talks.
Hope has gone up. But then I started to wonder this.. How do you tell softening toward me vs. she is just further settling into and content with her life without me?
Papers have been filed and I am on a timeline. Should a person utilize lrt up until divorce papers are signed? At some point it seems like you have to go for it??
There is no timeline but yours. Divorce is just a piece of paper.
What does "go for it" mean to you?
I guess telling her that you believe this is a mistake, you love her, you want to protect the kids from the hurt of a divorce and willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. I am talking the day before or day of final papers getting signed.. I guess if we are at that point I know what the answer would be.
I guess telling her that you believe this is a mistake, you love her, you want to protect the kids from the hurt of a divorce and willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. I am talking the day before or day of final papers getting signed.. I guess if we are at that point I know what the answer would be.
i assume you've said all this before. I don't see any benefit of saying it again at the last second.
But, why do you think the day you get divorced is a critical day? It doesn't matter much in your long term R with your W.
Isn't the perception of a divorce as its final... I believe if my wife clears that hurdle and goes through all of the pain of getting there it's over. Doesn't the percentages increase with DBing is you do it prior to the papers?
I guess telling her that you believe this is a mistake, you love her, you want to protect the kids from the hurt of a divorce and willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. I am talking the day before or day of final papers getting signed.. I guess if we are at that point I know what the answer would be.
So what is different from this and those letters you were sending? I promise you this type of thing is not successful in a stitch such as yours.
As for her softening, don't take it as a sign. It usually happens when the pursuits and fighting has stopped and she feels a little relief from your pressure.
Thanks sandi.. I am doing the work (lrt) and hoping to see the right result.. Just not really sure what that might be.. I do agree with your assessment of it. So so painful to think she has just accepted the idea of us divorcing. She is ok with it despite all of the consequences. I want to see something that gives me hope. I feel like the lrt keeps what's left of my dignity but it would be great to see some sign from her...
Sandi2,
You seem like you have quite a bit knowledge here.. Which I am in desperate need of.. If you get a chance could tell me when I would go from LRT to going dark.. Or just offer any advice.. M 16 years, two kids, separated three months ago and all indication is that there is no hope. No affairs... My wife was great.. I was a selfish jerk at different times in our marriage.. We had great times too and raised wonderful kids, but she had enough. I woke up and KNOW that if she came back it could awesome.
I am GAL and focused on LRT.. Anything else
First step is to get legal representation! You must protect yourself and your kids. Do not just trust her to do the right thing.
The Divorce Remedy book explains the LRT. Several newcomers use the term "going dark" but I don't think some may fully understand that concept. It is almost impossible when co-parenting. However, you can use the LRT, and should, b/c this is the last resort!! She wants a divorce, so if you are ever going to implement the LRT, it's now.
Have you followed the 37 rules? Have you read the first three threads on WW's? If so, does it sound like your W? If you suspect an EA, then I suspect she has shown some similarities of what I describe in those threads.
You say you know things could be awesome again. People cannot become awesome in just a few months. Sorry to burst your bubble. Do you have a plan of action to turn yourself into an awsome man, b/c that has to come before an awsome M. It takes very hard, consistent dedication to change yourself into a better man..........and that's just your side. It doesn't begin to touch the process she has to get through. So, it may, or may not, come after the D proceedings.
I understand needing hope. Looking for signs in her, as matter of hope for you will a waste of valuable energy. She will play you like a yo-yo. Maybe that is not who she use to be, but it is who she is now. If there was no abuse or legit reason for her suddenly leaving and pushing for a fast D, then I would take a bet that she has her eyes on another man.
You asked for steps. Read the WW's threads.
Let me ask you something. Even though you are separated, how much do you think she's worried about losing you completely out of her life? Would she think you would be available as a friend, or whenever she needed something?
Have the two of you had some type of contact every day? If so, this needs to stop. Don't use the kids as an excuse for contacting every day. People can work around it. Has she even had time to miss you? My guess is "no".
Curious.. Petition paperwork is being processed. If I am trying LRT, which means I am DB ing and trying to save the marriage, how should I respond to the petition???
Options
1. Do nothing and forfeit my opportunity to protect my self
2. Petition for dismissal based on the idea I don't think it's irreconcilable
3. Go full tilt, get a lawyer and start making my own financial demands
M 15 years, 2 children, separated 3 months.. WAW
1. Do nothing and forfeit my opportunity to protect my self
NO!
2. Petition for dismissal based on the idea I don't think it's irreconcilable
Get a lawyer - YES
3. Go full tilt, get a lawyer and start making my own financial demands
Do whatever you must do to protect yourself and your children.
I would try not to do her work for her, however you are more likely to get a better settlement the faster this happens/
PROTECT YOU - #1
In terms of DBING I am uncertain whether I am dealing with just a WAW or WW. I have NO idea if she is in a ea or pa. Doesn't it make a difference? If it is a ea / pa I would not know unless I were to investigate which seems like a bad idea.. But it seems in terms of developing a concrete strategy I should have an idea of what the real situation is..
Ideas????
Applying LRT and she has softened, but likely making no difference in what she wants to do... I miss her
M 15 years
S 3 months ago
D petition filed 7/15
2 Children
Hi Glove, in my experience your Option #2 (trying to have the Petition for Divorce dismissed) only works if both parties agree to the dismissal. One party not wanting the divorce will not work.
I had a friend tell me this recent war story - he did not want to have his marriage ended after his W filed for divorce. When he went to a court hearing and asked that the judge not sign the final divorce order, the judge said "this is America, we don't allow slavery!" The judge equated an unhappy marriage to the unhappy marriage partner being in slavery!
Yes, use Option #3. And there are all sorts of different lawyers, and you should have a free meeting with at least 3 attorneys. Do you want an aggressive, fight everything attorney? Or a more conciliatory attorney? You have my best wishes.
Doesn't it make a difference
No you do the same things.
Detach, GAL, Work on self.
Also please stick to one thread, you had 5 going at once,
all the ones from this board are now merged together and hopefully nothing got lost in that process!
Are you still around, Glove?