Hi everyone , don't know where to start, started following this board a few weeks ago, trying to find hope in this dark time for me.
So my story I'm 35 wife 30 , total time together 7yrs , 5 yrs lives together , 2 years engaged and recently married for 6 months.
We moved back to the SF Bay Area from Washington, D.C. (Lived in DC for 5 years ) she's a nurse me a analyst . So we moved back to SF to make our life here closer to Friends and family . Moved back 6 months ago , she's on graduate school and has to do hospital internships too far from where we live so 5 days out of the week she'd stay at her moms to be closer there . This is only temporary for when she graduates in 18 months things were going to be back to normal .
Anyway she always said she loved me , missed me , etc., but I was complacent and didn't say it nearly enough or show her affection (took the relationship for granted )
About two months ago I told her I might not want kids and I need to give it more thought , that freaked her out and she then after speaking with her friends decided I'm not the man for her Bc I put her down on her weight ( I did suggest we both eat better and exercise and she'd agree , never knew it made her self conscious ) , that I wasn't affectionate, etc. so a month ago she says she wants a divorce and leaves me . I beg and cry and she comes back , I tell her after she left (for a week) I honestly did soul searching and want kids I just had a moment of fear.
So that month back to our schedule , she comes home fri-sat but is cold and distant with me and I don't know how to act so I ball up in a shell and try to engage but she's not her self with me . Meanwhile I was looking for marriage counselors as she wanted but didn't do it fast enough as two weeks ago on a Sunday she leaves the ring and says it's over she doesn't love me anymore and she's filing . She closed our joint bank account yesterday , only texts me to tell me not to be home when she comes to get her stuff . Her family , my mom all try to talk to her and tell her to not do this but she won't listen . In fact her family/friends up to two weeks ago thought there might be hope but after this weekend they all texted me and said it seems over , no hope
I'm devastated , I cry everyday , I'm like a zombie emotionless and then just tears . What do I do ?? I don't understand how just a month + ago she was telling me still how much she loves me and I'm her soulmate to this.
Btw confirmed she's not cheating .I'm trying the steps , etc., to leave her alone Bc if I try contact she coldly says she doesn't love me divorce is only option, which stings me more .
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).
Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Thank you , I've been reading the forums for a few weeks now searching for hope and answers
AJ8,
I'm so sorry you're here. Continue to use this forum for support and advice.
Have you begun to read either of MWD's books?
Hi defacto, haven't read the books yet just what's online ,the steps , etc. I'm so out of it right now that it's hard to do anything
I lost my soulmate because I took the marriage for granted
I understand how you are feeling right now. We have all been there but I know that doesn't make it any easier for you. It will be difficult but you need to start taking care of yourself physically. Are you eating? Are you sleeping?
I would highly recommend you get one of the books asap. Try Barnes & Noble or your library.
I eat just enough , stopped excercising , I just cry and watch tv. Gym will remind me of her
This breaks my heart to read. You WILL GET THROUGH THIS.
You have to tell yourself that and start to believe it.
You are stronger than you know.
You are a person worthy of everything good life has to offer, just because one person doesn't want to be married to you (right now).
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and remember YOU CAN DO THIS.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks everyone I'm ordering the books , but I don't think she'll come back ever
I gave her space and she is fine with that won't even contact me , took me off Facebook, announced to fb and everyone about the divorce , closed our joint bank account , moved out , etc. seems like she doesn't care
I eat just enough , stopped excercising , I just cry and watch tv. Gym will remind me of her
Just keep breathing. Take it minute by minute, hour by hour. It will get easier. Keep posting and we will help you through it.
Get out of the hour Aj8. If you're in SF you can walk all over the place. If the gym reminds you of her, hit a park. Do some body weight workouts, runs, anything to burn off some of the anxiety and get the dopamine pumping again.
You're going to have to force yourself into self care for a while, but it's very important.
We've all been where you are and have gotten the same advice from other members on this board. We all thought it was impossible, and all had to take it like Matt said, minute by minute sometimes.
Movement is helpful, watching TV is not. Try to be your own best friend if you can't reach out and have someone come and get you and take you for a walk or for a cup of coffee.
Thanks Matt and Pig Pen , I try I went to my parents house , I hung out with friends , I text friends for support . All helps but then bam after that I'm alone again without my love . At nights I even wake up and cry
Every damn minute I think of how I messed up , how she can suddenly go ice cold after 7 years .....
Its going to suck for a long while Aj8. Not trying to bring you down but you've got to brace yourself for this. I spent the morning in tears today and my W left six months ago! That's a lot of crying.
You've got to look at this like the marathon of your life, the hero's journey of sorts. You're just starting out and unfortunately it may get worse. Start marshaling every positive resource you have and know that you're going to need them.
When my W left I told myself I had to consider it like I had just gotten diagnosed with cancer. It was going to be the fight of my life either way, and keeping every other aspect of my life as healthy as possible was my survival method.
Let the tears flow man, they're good for you and you've just gotten a huge wound to your heart and life. Let them flow, but then get moving.
Pigpen that's what hurts the most I keep trying to grab any hope (like this website) but don't think she'll come back. I look at your stories and don't see any hope for mine
Deep breaths Aj
You are still very very new to this situation.
Focus on you. What makes you happy?
Pigpen that's what hurts the most I keep trying to grab any hope (like this website) but don't think she'll come back.
I look at your stories and don't see any hope for mine
HOPE is within YOU!
Their is always HOPE IMHO until YOU decide otherwise.
When you first got married you never believed she would change either. Right?
SO - TRUST the PROCESS - Believe in YOU.
CONTROL that which is in your CONTROL and let go of the rest.
Everything will turn out just as it is meant to be.
Knowledge is Power
Thanks everyone
must feel if I keep hoping I'll be in for more let downs and will never get rid of the pain or be able to move on
Aj8 -
We've all been there. The movie replaying in your head of all the things you would and could have done differently. Here's the thing:
IT. ISNT. OVER.
Sitting around and wallowing won't help anything though. As PP said, allow yourself some time to feel your feelings, but then pick yourself up and DO something. It doesn't have to be anything major. But cut the lawn, go buy groceries, talk a walk...anything. You'll find that there might be a second you don't think about your W. Then two, then five. Then maybe a whole minute. And so on.
But that doesn't just HAPPEN. You have to make it happen.
I know it doesn't make sense. I know it's counter intuitive. But the only way you have a chance to get her back is to let her go. Give her the space and time to find herself. And then USE that time to become the BEST Aj8 possible.
The only way that she will come back is if she truly believes that your lives together will be different. How are you going to PROVE that?
But how can i prove that when she wants no contact ? She's cutt off everything , I don't see her ever calling/texting me unless it's divorce related
I know how weird it is to hear this advice right now but I wish I had received this advice earlier in my sitch. Try to focus, relax, and most importantly, get the books.
Either way it turns out, your life is not over. DB is not about getting you W back necessarily, it's about you making the changes that you need to make for yourself.
Thanks defacto
But how can i prove that when she wants no contact ? She's cutt off everything , I don't see her ever calling/texting me unless it's divorce related
Let's worry about that later.
I'll ask you a question in return.
How can you prove that you are changed until you've changed?
Aj8. Hi.
You are in panick mode right now. We all did/are doing that. It's easy to say it'll get better but it's much harder to achieve it. The good folks here are telling you stuff so that you can (and you will) calm down and begin to focus. Once you focus you can embark on a plan. Small steps at a time.
Look, I'm not going to sugar coat you here. It took me months to get on an even keel but you in a small way are lucky as you found this place early. I didn't.
There is a person on here pyrite that advocated meditation. Is that something you can try?
Just so you know....
Ms. Wonka didn't speak/text/email to me for 4 SOLID consecutive months.
I'm devastated , I cry everyday , I'm like a zombie emotionless and then just tears.
Have you been to a doctor about this yet?
Would you consider going on anti-depressants?
I went on them at the beginning to help me cope with all the stress.
It may be what you need to be able to process this loss and figure out how to recover.
It could even save your marriage, or at least save YOU!
Think about it.
I've given it thought but right now I'm still functioning , just think about her all the time
and I'm listening to everyone here , God knows I need the advice
I second the idea about antidepressants. They were are Godsend to me as well as antianxiety meds. They really helped me to get back on my feet to function.
Check into it if you think they may help you.
keep posting, let it out, your thoughts, emotions, etc. just let it out.
I'm with Cadet and Heavy. ADs helped me tremendously in getting out of that post BD blues.
Thanks guys/gals !! I appreciate everyone's support and advice . Wonka which thread has your story /update , I saw you have many posts
Defacto after your wife filed, you still feel there is hope . I feel like once mine files it's over
Hmm, Denial is one stage of grief.
Every one that suffers from stress/depression
probably thinks that they are fine too.
If you wont do that consider some OTC(over the counter) things like
ST John's wort and start exercising.
The big advantage of the LBS is that we dont have to be
the same as our spouses who can not admit to anything.
You want to start getting better before you have to go to the ER.
There is a section titled Another Divorce Busted that has success stories. Also, one of our members, Mozza, has put together a list of links to various members' threads who saved their M through DB methods. I will copy and paste it below.
If it is any comfort, I was a wayward wife and had my hand on the door knob ready to leave my H for another man. I give this board credit for giving me the information I needed and the support and encouragement to try again. That was eight years ago. I stick around in hopes I can pay it forward. Not many WW's on the board, so I try to give you guys a glance into the mindset of a WW/WAW.
BTW, you said you had confirmation she has not cheated. How was it confirmed?
*******************************************************************
Posted by Mozza:
SUCCESS STORIESI update this list every time I start a new thread.
Please make suggestions, especially with links to threads. I wish we had room in our profile to tell our story so that the vets and other successes could give us a quick summary.
ReconciliationThornton (M) -
May to July 2014 Train (W) -
Reconciled in 2014 Labug (W) -
March 2011 to December 2013 HopefulStill - reconciled in 2012
minkerman (M) -
Reconciled after 4 months in 2008 25yearsmlc (W) -
2005 to August 2008FaithfulH -
Reconciled in 2007 sandi2 (W) -
2007Coach (M) -
2008MrBond (M) - Used to have another screen name
Starsky309 (M) - (
ChocolateEyes,
Puppy Dog Tails) -
Aug 2007 to 2009. Exposed his W's A.
Butterflymom127 and FavoriteWeirdo -
Thread LITB (M) -
December 2010 to May 2012Raine (W) -
Dec 2012 to November 2014 (MLC) ReachingHigher (W) -
April 2012 to May 2014SM34 (M) -
December 2012 to December 2013 AliSuddenly (W) -
H left in January 2008, moved out, had OW. Piecing May 2009, married July 2010 kalni (W) -
BD on November 2007, piecing in January 2010Angel61 (W)-
BD June 2010, H had EA, Retrouvailles November 2011Piecing as of 2014-2015(newly added) Jefe (M)T0324 (W) H leaves in Febr 2014, filed for D, had OW, piecing fails in Aug 2014, piecing again in Mar 2015
Crimson (W) Heart14 (W) Signs 2014-02, DB 2014-07, Piecing since 2014-07
Nitty - BD in December 2013, piecing as of September 2014
Letting goLove2Surf (M) -
March 2010 to 2012pearlharbr (W) -
November 2008 to June 2010 (19 months) Snow White (W) -
2008-2009. Let go when her H wanted back in.
Drew (M) -
2008BigMac (M) -
June 2014 to February 2015 WAW offered R at the last minute and he turned it down
Underdog (Betsey) D final in May 2005
ResourcesValidation |
Boundaries |
Detachment |
Dance of Pursuit and Distance |
Acronyms |
Stockdale paradoxThe sandi2 collection:
The Wayward Wife |
It takes time |
Letting back too easy(newly added) Wonka:
The Starter kit / Post-BD plan of action
Not in denial , I know I'm not myself , but I still eat enough , go to work , see some friends , family . I'm more in shock on how she just gave up , how can one say she's my soulmate just over a month ago and for seven years and just in a matter of weeks give up
Thanks Sandi !! Much appreciated . Confirmed through her , friends , family , closest friends who she confides in ,etc..
Defacto after your wife filed, you still feel there is hope . I feel like once mine files it's over
Aj -
There is always hope.
If I asked you a year ago today if you thought you would be facing a divorce, you may have thought I was crazy. What if I said that in 5 years, your marriage would be as strong as ever. Sounds crazy, huh?
There's lots of cases of divorced people remarrying! But for it to be successful, you can't restart the SAME marriage
Defacto after your wife filed, you still feel there is hope . I feel like once mine files it's over
AJ,
Sure, once they file, I'm sure the odds of reconciliation are diminished. However, there is always hope, even after the D is final. There are numerous testimonies on here of couples who have reconciled in the eleventh hour or even after the D. I find my hope in knowing that I am doing everything I can to heal and discover myself. If W wants to join me and we can work through our stuff, great! If not, I know that I have put in the work for myself and I will be happy.
Thanks Sandi !! Much appreciated . Confirmed through her , friends , family , closest friends who she confides in ,etc..
Fixed Sandi's post so re-read it.
Also their is a link to Mozza's thread in the resource thread that I started included with your homework.
Thanks , I guess for me I never imagined life without her
Hello Aj8,
I'll catch up on your situation later. For now, just remember, there is always HOPE!
Please make sure you read as many of the things that Cadet set you up with when you joined. If you read "Sandi's 37 Rules" read them again. Good as gold!
Bob
Thanks Bob , really appreciate it . Doing a lot of reading , a lot of Sandi's things don't apply though Bc she's living with her mom now
Thanks Bob , really appreciate it . Doing a lot of reading , a lot of Sandi's things don't apply though Bc she's living with her mom now
You're welcome, Aj8, just like my WAW. For now, do what you can to better yourself. None of us is perfect!
You may have noticed that from time to time I post a "comforting" bible verse in my thread, or usually someone else's. You are grieving now. This verse is to comfort those in time of grief. Even if you are not a believer, I pray it brings you some comfort:
“I cry to you, O LORD; I say, ‘You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.’ Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me” (Psalm 142:5-6).Bob
Hi AJ. Just to add my voice to the others. Hope is there for as long as a YOU want it. Your whole world has been rocked but it not destroyed Your W is doing what she's doing That's her choice. You can chose to let this difine you or you can change and improve yourself.
Life will be good again mate. It's really difficult but the only way to get through this is to go through this !!!!
Stay strong and control the only thing you can. You
Take care. Rd
Thanks Bob , really appreciate it . Doing a lot of reading , a lot of Sandi's things don't apply though Bc she's living with her mom now
Yes they do. You just don't see it yet. The opportunity will come. Like I said, you are still in panick mode. Bob is correct in as much as learn everything you can right now. You will interact with your W. It will happen so you need to prepare. Yes it's hard and yes you will do it wrong a few times but don't concern yourself about that. Do the homework. It's there for a reason.
Peace
I think our posts passed each other.
Hope you'll catch my previous post.
how can one say she's my soulmate just over a month ago and for seven years and just in a matter of weeks give up
I believe you were hearing lip service from her. During the time the two of you were apart and she had unmet emotional needs and/or didn't feel you were doing anything to fill them....her feelings probably started to change somewhat. She may have continued to "say" she loved you and that she was your soulmate......and that could have been her way of reaching out to you, in hopes that you would give back what she was needing at the time.
I don't mean to rub salt into the wound, but hopefully teach you that women are creatures who "require" a certain amount of emotional nourishment from their partner, or they become very vulnerable to someone who is not their partner. The breakdown in the relationship begins when one person in the M is not providing or filling the needs of the other person. It can be either person, but being a female myself, I'll just speak from the W's viewpoint. My grandparents were married over 65 years! One of the wisest pieces of advice I ever received about M, was my GM saying that you never reach a point in M that you can stop working at it....if you want a good one! Unfortunately, too many of us think we don't have to keep working at it. Guess that's why we don't hear of too many who stay M for 65 yrs!
I know you must feel horrible now and are beating yourself to death for getting so negligent during the time she was staying with her parents and trying to get through the 18 months (which is a long time to stay apart). Long distant relationships can work (military families, for example), as long as some form of communication continues. My guy communicated more when he was in the military than after we were M and living together! Go figure that one. Anyway, most of us have to learn these lessons through our own mistakes. I hope you may learn from some of our mistakes before you make more of your own.
There are various things that could be going on with her that has caused her to be so strong minded in getting a quick divorce.....and so suddenly (as you say). However, the majority of newcomer H's are experiencing what they never thought would happen to them. Many have said that there is no way on earth his W was in an A. (Which could be an emotional affair, physical A, imaginary A, long distant A, or Internet A/cybersex). That is why I asked you how you confirmed she had absolutely not cheated. B/c simply asking her and taking what she says for the truth will be setting yourself up for a bigger shock later. I hope with all my heart that there is no third party in her head/heart, but I think you need to brace yourself to discover...just about anything. Remember, all cheaters lie. We see this happening more and more, however, it doesn't necessarily mean your stitch will fall into the same category. Even if it
does, it doesn't determine your M will end in a D. And even if that happened, it doesn't mean the two of you would never get M again.
Your biggest battle at this moment is with Aj8. You have convinced yourself that it's over b/c she won't contact you or doesn't want to talk about anything that isn't D related. Guess what? That is true in many cases when the W first drops the bomb. Look at the time periods in that list of Mozza's saved M's. The shortest ones are at least a year, and most around two years.....and some even longer. So it takes a long time to get this stuff worked out. You are just getting started. You have to talk to yourself and decide for yourself, and your mental attitude is going to make the difference. If you are so certain it's the end just b/c she says it is......you might as well throw in towel now. Listen, this can be turned around, but you have got to have a little hope and confidence in something that is much bigger than just what she's saying at the moment. Okay? And btw, she's not your friend right now, so you need to be Aj8's BBF. I'm serious, be good to yourself, forgive yourself, and don't give up on yourself.
While you are waiting on your books, be thinking about the guy you were when you first started dating her. Compare that guy to who you are right now. What can you do to find him again....or become a better version? This may sound so flimsy, but hang with us and you'll begin to understand more as we go.
Set some goals that will help you accomplish these improvements in yourself. Long term and short term goals just about
you and your actions.....not hers. You can't control what she does, so how can you set a goal that is based on her action?
Think really deep and know what your own standard of values, belief system, moral and religious beliefs are, and what you can't live without and what you won't tolerate. B/c you have to know what you want and what you believe....and it has to be based on something deeper than just the emotional feelings you're experiencing right now. At this very moment, you probably are thinking you can't live without her or that's all you care about in life is to stay M to her. No, that's what you are
wantingATM. We have to learn how to distinguish between what we are feeling emotionally from what we base our beliefs upon. Make sense? We can't operate strictly from our emotions, alone. That is what I think your W is doing at the moment. You can't afford to conduct yourself based on emotions right now, b/c you really would be your own worst enemy and shoot down all chances of reconciliation. You have to determine your conduct/behavior/actions on your norms & standards, what is right & wrong (morally & spiritually).
I hope you have good support from your parents and friends b/c you need to be with people who love you. If you continue to feel so utterly dark & hopeless, please contact your doctor, spiritual leader, or someone to help you get off the ledge.
Keep posting and talking with us. Continue to read the links Cadet has suggested. Please do not give up. Morning will come again. ((hugs))
Thanks Sandi And everyone , yes Bob I'm spiritual went to church last week, felt good . Sandi I did neglect her Bc she told me she'd never leave me unless I cheated , and I never did.
It's hard not to give up when she's moved out , closed our joint bank account and even her family/friends now tell me they see no hope of her coming back to me
and yes I'm all emotional right now , want to be with her forever , etc
If she's cheating I'll never know...btw I'm not in the ledge , definitely not suicidal, just very emotional/sad/distraught...hate these feelings and still don't see how she'll ever try with me .
Listening to everyone and doing what you guys are recommending ,bless you all
AJ - let's say you decided to walk to Alaska. You can't see it from your house, right? But if you start walking, step by step, you may get there eventually. You may decide it's too damn cold or too damn far or it may sink into the ocean. But. You may get there and see it.
It doesn't matter if you can see it NOW. Just start walking.
Damn, Sandi just dropped the "Must Read By All New LBS'S" manual in this thread.
I'm going to print that out and post it on my fridge.
Thank you that on behalf of all of us Sandi. I truly hope everyone in your world has returned to health and that peace is prevalent in your own life.
Much love,
PP
Love the analogy Matt , I guess I'm in a mood right now that before I even start to walk to Alaska , I'm thinking why even start since I know I won't get there at the end
Hi AJ
That's your choice buddy , if you want to give up then no one on here will try to stop you.
That's the great thing about us. We all have a choice I've read through all your posts and you have attracted a great many posters that are trying to show you that hope is there if you want to embrace it. If not move on with your life I think you'll find either way you have to move on with your life and DBing helps you do that and perhaps help your M.
My sitch is married for over 20 years to a woman that loves me more than life ( her words). She' now lives 20'mkles away from me and our 4 kids
My world was rocked and still is but time and this board gets you through it
Get the books , read Cadets homework and choose a path for yourself
Take care. Rd
Aj, everyone here that is posting is still in the fight. All of us. Many people are staring down the barrel of filed papers, spouse's in active affairs, kids being used as leverage, and worse.
And they are still in the fight!
You're still in the fight, but guess what, you just got knocked out before even walking into the ring. Yep, out cold in the locker room and they dragged out and put you in the ring.
Up to you what you do here. You can stay down and wait for the 10 count. Or get up, dust yourself off, start doing everything in your power to save your M, even knowing you may only have a .001% chance of success.
Your call. The only way you're 100% out is if you give up. You NEVER know what tomorrow will bring. Read the success stories. Read about people that have gone months with no contact, or worse, they wished there was no contact because the contact was hell.
Time for a little tough love my friend. If you're out, get out and be good with it. If you're not out, which it sounds like you're since you're still here, then put your damn hands up, get back in the fight, and start doing anything and everything you can to work on yourself.
Follow the advice you've been given - step 1 - make the decision whether you're going to see this through no matter how miserable you may be and/or how long it may take.
We've all been where you are. ALL of us. It's the worst hell.
Start making decisions.
Sorry everyone for being such a downer , this is all so fresh for me , believe me I want to fight , I'm doing a lot of what's recommended , then this stupid Thought in my head comes up and says it's over, she's done , etc.... Believe me I'm gonna fight believe me
^^^^ GREAT ADVICE and MOTIVATION!!!
Love the analogy Matt , I guess I'm in a mood right now that before I even start to walk to Alaska , I'm thinking why even start since I know I won't get there at the end
Here's the thing - by the time you decide you aren't going to get there, you'll already have had a life changing experience. Let's say you stop in Vancouver and decide you don't want to see Alaska anymore. Well, your life is so much better ANYWAY. But none of that happens if you sit on the couch. So get up, and take that first step. Then the second one. You never know what you'll find on the journey.
Believe me I'm gonna fight believe me
So sorry you are here AJ. But as you say you want to fight, what are a few of your goals right now?
E
Hi Eirinn,
First I ordered the book , divorce remedy , reading everything here and trying to follow everyone's advice. Trying to keep a positive attitude, looking within and to God to better myself (went to Church for the first time in many many years). I've given her space and haven't contacted her /begged her to come back (did that once she came back albeit distant from me). Talking to friends/family for support /comfort , and trying to get to that point that I should realize life will go on and it is not over yet between us even though her actions and words all say otherwise.Main thing right now is to think about me , and not allow the devestation and grief get the best of me.
Hi Eirinn,
First I ordered the book , divorce remedy , reading everything here and trying to follow everyone's advice. Trying to keep a positive attitude, looking within and to God to better myself (went to Church for the first time in many many years). I've given her space and haven't contacted her /begged her to come back (did that once she came back albeit distant from me). Talking to friends/family for support /comfort , and trying to get to that point that I should realize life will go on and it is not over yet between us even though her actions and words all say otherwise.Main thing right now is to think about me , and not allow the devestation and grief get the best of me.
As PigPen said, your first step is to get off the mat. You can't really start doing anything until you stand up and get back in the fight. Your life is going to go on with or without you. Once you are ready to take that on, we can help you to find that path forward.
Just keep breathing. Take things a minute at a time. Don't worry about the "big picture" right now. Just worry about getting through this next minute.
Thank you Matt , you and a lot of good folks(family , friends) are making me realize it's time to stop sulking and get my act together. I've lost 5lbs in two weeks , time to get off my arse and live again
This boards helping a lot btw, appreciate everyone .
One word of caution.
Be CAREFUL howuch you tell family and friends. As Cadet/Wonka wrote, you don't want to give your playbook to the opposite team. I wish I had thought of it sooner, but those are the breaks. Find one peron you can confide in and keep it at that. Otherwise, just show everyone PMA and your new you. It will get back to your W.
I have been ready to give up several times....things were pretty bleak a week ago and right now they don't look bad. Just hang in there.
Thanks Matt, I haven't told anyone about this . All everyone knows is the circumstances she said she left me for , how I love her and want to work it out ...
Good to know up north,thanks! Keeps my hope alive even in bleak times.
Sounds like you are on your way.
Church, friends, and family are all critical because you need a support network outside your M world.
I hope you aren't taking
all the advice you read here
I'm glad you ordered the book. Remember, that for you focusing on caring for yourself and detaching are primary, as you need that space and time to start seeing things from a bit more distance than the tight little world of misery that closes in on us after this blow.
Keep posting and keep up the good work.
Thanks Asitis, what's the hardest for me is I'm soo damn emotional , even at work I'm engaging coworkers and then bam I have memories of her and I doing even simple things like hanging out watching tv and i get down again. It's so hard getting her out of my mind , constant memories come to me even when I'm talking /hanging out with family /friends/coworker
That happens. I was the same as you in the beginning. Now? Well if I say I don't think about her I would be lying. I do think about her but I'm no longer a blubbering mess any more. Getting on an even keel is crucial for your wellbeing. It takes time and it won't be easy but it is critical. Not just for you but for any chance of your M working again.
It's such a bad feeling can't go even an hour without some memory of her popping up
It's such a bad feeling can't go even an hour without some memory of her popping up
What about two days ago? Wasn't it constant?
Now you can go an hour. Sounds like progress.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
Aj8,
Sorry you are here.
Focusing on your wife, your grief, your loss, is not helping.
First, you need to realize, this may not be all about you. It may be about her own state of mind.
Second, you need to get a life of your own that positive, strong and worth living. She will not be attracted to you if you are pathetic, crying and miserable.
Third. Go talk to a lawyer IMMEDIATELY. Protect your rights. It doesn't look like you have a lot of property in common, but I think you need to get a consultation. If she wants a divorce, don't resist. Instead, know what you want and have your lawyer protect you. This will show some strength.
Fourth. Look at the Last Resort Technique.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/blog/how-to-prevent-a-divorce-the-last-resort-technique/Fifth. If she "doesn't care", then you start to NOT CARE. Seek your own happiness right now.
Theoden
True , still I want to be normal again not this emotional wreck who feels half his soul is missing ...baby steps forward
Agree theoden, thing is she doesn't probably know how bad I am right now emotionally , she has no means of knowing she hasn't contacted me in the two weeks she left except cold text or two about me not being here when she pics up her stuff from the apartment .
True , still I want to be normal again not this emotional wreck who feels half his soul is missing ...baby steps forward
It's not going to happen all at once.
What if I cut your arm off right now....you wouldn't say "I know I have no arm, but I want to throw a baseball" right?
You won't heal all at once. Focus on the positives and go slow.
Thank you Matt, I'm doing my best to move forward . Haven't broke Down in tears today thus far. Big victory
Hi Aj. It sounds like you have been trying to move forward. Maybe you could try, at the end of the day, writing down three things that lightened your heart, made you smile, or that you are appreciative of from that day. Maybe that would help you shift into a different perspective from misery to detachment?
I'm including you on my prayer list,
E
I love that idea Eirinn! I'm going to do that! Thank you for your prayers , I'm blessed to have found you all on this board....finally people that can emphatize...today I broke down in tears once ...big step
Things will get better, someone told me not to try get through the whole day, just one minute at a time. It works. Stay busy!
And along with Eirinn's and upnorth's suggestions, try to look for little things you can appreciate through out. Actively look. Hey, look at that cool cloud. Wow, aren't kids the greatest?! I really appreciate X doing that for me. I really am glad I have X.
Evolutionarily we have a negativity bias (we are looking for the threats and dangers), and by the end of the day, we have actively worked to notice a whole lot of bad things that are possible threats. Countering that actively can be the difference between an average day seeming to be a bit on the plus side, or just another tough schlog.
Keep up the good work.
Thanks all! Asitis, I actually now try to look at all the good things and be more positive , just so hard . Still baffled how she doesn't even want to talk to me , 7 years together and I'm nothing to her now , when last month I was the love of her life still
Thanks all! Asitis, I actually now try to look at all the good things and be more positive , just so hard . Still baffled how she doesn't even want to talk to me , 7 years together and I'm nothing to her now , when last month I was the love of her life still
I know it's hard, but try not to put too much stock in things that she was saying right before BD. Maybe she was working through things herself, maybe she was hoping you'd react differently. Who knows.
Also, try to remember that you aren't NOTHING to her now. You haven't contacted her in two weeks and you're an emotional wreck. Why are you assuming that because she hasn't contacted you in two weeks that she is over you?
Matt, I go off her actions , she's hanging out with friends , took me off Facebook, closed our joint bank account, gave the ring back , etc... So hard to wrap my head around this, we used to text all the time , talk, etc.
AJ, have you seen the saying on here yet of believe nothing that she says and only 50% of what she does? It's true. Count on yourself. You are your own best support!
Keeping you in my prayers,
E
She's not over you Aj, not even close. She's not felt the weight of her decision yet, she's still in denial herself. You are not. Just give it time. No one is with someone for 7 years and then over it in two weeks.
It took my W four months before the weight of leaving hit her (or so she said), that's a long time but there was living with her friend, finding a new place, distracting herself with work, moving into her new place, joining a new gym etc. Then....oh wow, there are no more distractions. Then it hit.
It probably took me 5 months before I realized what people were saying when they said, "This will take much longer than you think it will and you actually want it that way."
I thought they were as crazy as you probably think we all are. Time is your friend. If you get back together this weekend, you'll be back on here in two months when you both run out of being on your best behavior. Time is your friend, it's working for you not against you.
Thanks Eirinn and PPen! I have seen that saying here Eirinn, trying to believe in it! I don't know if it will ever hit her ...had a better day yesterday , hung out with aunt and uncle for dinner and I was feeling "normal" for awhile
That's great, AJ! It's hard to believe, but you will have more of those moments as you travel on this path.
*hugs*
E
I have seen that saying here Eirinn, trying to believe in it! I don't know if it will ever hit her ...had a better day yesterday , hung out with aunt and uncle for dinner and I was feeling "normal" for awhile
Hello AJ,
Eirinn brought up a very good reminder! Also, I am so happy that you felt "normal" again, even if it was only for a while. We here on this forum all need that.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Chin up, please!
Bob
Hi Bob,
Thanks for checking in , prayers for you and everyone here as well. Every day is a challenge and this board is helping me out tremendously. Happy 4th everyone
Happy 4th everyone. Took some steps back this morning, I may be overthinking but the way she left there has got to be a ea or pa,everyone close to her says no as did she but to leave your "love" on such easy issues to workout baffles me
AJ, focus on yourself. You can do this. Whatever she is doing is beyond your control. She is lost right now and is not making sense. Sit down and make a list of some fun stuff to do today.
I'll keep praying for you,
E
Happy 4th everyone. Took some steps back this morning, I may be overthinking but the way she left there has got to be a ea or pa,everyone close to her says no as did she but to leave your "love" on such easy issues to workout baffles me
This is s cheeseless tunnel, AJ. You can turn yourself into a pretzel trying to analyze the unknowable. Instead of wasting your energy on that, focus on you. What did you do to take care of yourself today?
Hi Matt, yeh I guess I just got angry this morning , got over it . Spent some time at my parents got home and just wanted to be myself today , invited to some 4th events but don't know just wanted to be alone today .
Is it normal for my wife to not contact me at all except to say when I'm not home so she can pick up some of her stuff? It's been three weeks now
Nothing is 'normal'. You will not feel normal on most days, for a while
It will take time and all you can do is focus on yourself.
Give us a list of things you are going to do to Get a Life (GAL)
Starting with the next time you are invited to an event: you are going to go. And look really good with maybe a new shirt or something California-style.
Hi happy,
Well for starters got a haircut , new look . Meeting friends for drinks this week , hoping to start going to the gym again this week. I'm taking it day by day , I've done a full detach and I guess it's not working as she's detached too and no communication, just got to see this through !
Aj8,
Remember, getting a life activities are not to get her attention. They are to get YOUR life back on track and to stop you from obsessing over your wife leaving. Right now you are acting like you are a footnote in your wife's story. STOP IT. You are the main character in your own story. Start acting like it.
Many of us have been there. The aching pain in the gut, the tears, etc.
Become someone you've always wanted to be. Practice Resurrection.
The more you become this person, the less you will worry and obsess over every email, text or communication you have with your wife.
--Theoden
AJ - none of this is normal. But in looking at your particular situation and comparing it with others, no, I wouldn't not say 3 weeks of cold communication from a WAW is abnormal. Think about it this way...she's been hurting in your relationship some for several years - now you're upset for 3 weeks. So, no, she isn't going to feel ready to warn up to you at this point.
As for detaching - remember that no contact and stopping pursuit is not the same as detaching. Detachment comes from an emotional separation of your feelings from hers. It's a goal...heck, it's practically THE goal. And it will take time. A LOT of time. Read read read the welcome threads on it.
Thanks guys, believe me I'm trying hard . Matt I wouldn't say it's been years she's held these feelings , more like a month or so based off what she told me when she left. --I mean we were just married 11 months ago
if it was years she would've cancelled the wedding. Which is why I'm in shock ...
AJ -
You may be right, but it sure seems unlikely. I know that my relationship went through a lot of "wait until xyz happens, that should make everything better." Maybe your W thought once were married, things will improve? Who really knows. But judging from what I've seen on here and read, these kinds of situations don't develop overnight - they are based on long term patterns of behavior.