Old tread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2568959&page=1So here I am, tread nr 3.
The "talk" ended with him not wanting to be in R with me anymore. We have said we are going to be "friends"..
Suddenly last week he started to like my stuff on FB, and called on Sunday saying he couldn't come with me when I run my half marathon this upcoming Saturday, but wanted me to send my link to my GPS so he could follow me around the track anyway. Sounded so sweet and had several suggestions on how to achieve this. Felt really good when we hung up.
So today I went on FB and saw that he removed our R status and it sent me to a dark place. What for? Nothing has changed, but it feels different. And I can't see why he would go through that song and dance about being sorry for missing my race, and so on, when it still feels like he couldn't care less.
BTW- I'm ready if any of you want to hit me with a 2x4!
So plan from now on I guess, is NC! NC! NC!
I said when he called that I would contact him when I found out how he can get texts for following me in the race and so on, but I think the best thing is just to keep silent..?
Do you all agree?
I have my run coming up, and really no time for sitting with shaky legs and a pit in my stomach! I need to feel strong..
But this changing status thing is such a silly thing to be upset over, and still I am..
Well, well, call this venting, being pathetic or what ever.
A new tread is on its way.. So appreciate all your feedback on previous treads. Your making it easier to be in this mess..
Hugs!
Hi Tulo
None of those things. It's being a human being. Yes, you've got to be strong, but if you blip, that's normal.
You've got to NC him, unfriend him etc. It puts a marker in the sand that you're not going to be messed about. You're here, waiting, but not begging.
YOU can do this!
My W removed her FB connection from me and my family on Friday. I KNOW it doesn't really mean anything. Of course she's feeling that way right now. She believes the M is over, so why not change it? It certainly hurts, but it really doesn't actually matter in the long run. Stay strong and keep on the path.
Hi Huddy!
Thanks! You're right, it's human I guess.. I just have to prod along and put one foot infront of the other and GAL myself to a happier place.
I'm totally into the NC and will work myself to the unfriend part. Not there yet, but I'll get there..
Hug!
That's my girl! Look in later.
It certainly hurts, but it really doesn't actually matter in the long run.
Hi Matt,
Thank you for your reply!
I does, a lot but as you say it doesn't matter in the long run and I really don't know why I put such emphasis on FB anyway.
He could have chosen "single" and then it would have been up on both our walls and all would have seen, so I guess I have to be happy about that if nothing else.
I simply couldn't deal with all the comments now.
I will try to stay strong (stronger) and I send the same wish to you! Thanks again! Appreciate it!
Hugs!
Please do so!
Hi Tulo, hope you don't mind me dropping by.
You H wants to be friends? What? He just friend zoned you? All sitches are different, that I can appreciate but In my sitch I will not be demoted to a friend. Anyone can be a friend but only one person can be a spouse. My WW's reason for originally wanting to be friends is that it suits her. And of course like every blubbering fool at BD you buy into it as you are grasping at straws. Well, not for me. I ain't having it. Just my tuppence worth.
Hi Tulo, hope you don't mind me dropping by.
Of course I don't.. Just glad to see your checking in!
Well, yes and no.. Don't really remember how it came up, but I think it might have been me who asked (when he he didn't check in when I was going through this thing with my dog) if he didn't even care about me as a person and that I thought we were friends as well, he said that obviously he cares and that he wanted us to be friends so I might be the one to blame here as well.. It just felt like I've appreciated him as a friend too and didn't want to loose that but I can see now that that is probably wasn't wise of me. It just seems like I'm loosing both my lover AND my best friend and it was/is very overwhelming.
I think I'm not going to do any changes to this now however, not call him and take it back or anything like that. I'm going to do the NC and see if he contacts me. If he doesn't that's the way it is.
This is just a useless day, and I can't wait for it to be over. But a little bit less so when I see your and other posts here.. Thanks for that!
Hug!
Tulo
That's normal to feel like that. Weeks 1 to 4 will be a real horror ride. Important you don't tell them that. They'll just use it to keep youplaying along.
Tulo -
Someone told me that just because there was no action between my W and I on any particular day doesn't mean that it was a waste of a day in our relationship. I know that every day, I am one day stronger, and you never know what kind of impact that day of NC is having on the other person. If you did something to make you a better/stronger/healthier Tulo today, then it wasn't a waste.
It just seems like I'm loosing both my lover AND my best friend and it was/is very overwhelming.
Hi Tulo
^this. Yes, you are. Or to be more blunt you already have. Sorry for sounding so harsh but that's the reality here. If R were to happen then you will gain a better lover and a better friend if he is willing to put in the work. But for now that's not the case. In my own situation being her friend was just making it easier for her to ramp up the A. I made it worse.
Think you can be right, it might just make it easier for them to go on because they feel like they still have us in the wings..
Do you think I should revoke this in any way or is NC enough?
I don't want it to feel like we're are at odds either but maybe that's just my heart not being ready to let go..
Thanks for your reply!
Tulo
Haven't read your original thread, but my H of 18 years also wants to be "friends" for our Ds sake. The thing is I am not ready for that, I am still going through a lot of emotions and really I can't understand how all the old habits of saying ILU, darling, honey just disappears overnight. I have refrained from saying ILU (sandi's rules) but both he and I have slipped up to say darling/honey when we have both been emotional.
I too am in the process of NC - text and email only. Its hard but hang in there.
Think you can be right, it might just make it easier for them to go on because they feel like they still have us in the wings..
Do you think I should revoke this in any way or is NC enough?
I don't want it to feel like we're are at odds either but maybe that's just my heart not being ready to let go..
Thanks for your reply!
Hi Tulo
This is your choice. I'm not an expert here and most certainly not a vet. All I can say is that I didn't express anything with words, just action. Remember I have an active A so my situation is different. I am polite and cordial around her, but I am not 'friendly'. Sure, if a conversation starts I respond accordingly and I always say please and thank you. A bit like a work college. She gets the message.
Tulo -
I'm certainly not a vet either. But I doubt you need to go out of your way to revoke your previous words. let him know how you feel through your actions. Once you can start to let go and do the things you need for you, it will be back on him to decide how to proceed.
Tulo
I am still going through a lot of emotions and really I can't understand how all the old habits of saying ILU, darling, honey just disappears overnight.
I too am in the process of NC - text and email only. Its hard but hang in there.
I'm sorry to hear that you also are going through this painful experience, it really hurts bad.
I think I made a mistake by this entire "friends" thing, and I will do the NC now and hopefully it'll feel better after awhile. Have you let go of hope? I try to make myself stop hoping but I can feel that deep down inside I still hope for a miracle..
All my best to you!
[/quote]
Hi Tulo
This is your choice. I'm not an expert here and most certainly not a vet. All I can say is that I didn't express anything with words, just action.
She gets the message. [/quote]
I think that's what I'll do. Just don't make any contact, and be civil if he does, and nothing more. At the moment, it feels like I don't want to pick up the phone if he calls but I guess it's because I'm hurting a lot right now and not even being clear in mind. If I don't pick up, I guess the "easy breezy" thing goes a miss..
Need to GAL and hopefully at some point he'll react to my NC.
THanks for checking in NDY! Really appreciate it!
Tulo -
I'm certainly not a vet either. But I doubt you need to go out of your way to revoke your previous words. let him know how you feel through your actions. Once you can start to let go and do the things you need for you, it will be back on him to decide how to proceed.
Thanks for checking in again! So appreciated!
I think I'll stick to that plan, just NC and trying to take a moment at the time..
I'm so tired of not having my happily ever after, want someone to love, who loves me back and to have a fantastic life together, through ups and downs. How hard should it be?
Hugs.
Tulo
I am still going through a lot of emotions and really I can't understand how all the old habits of saying ILU, darling, honey just disappears overnight.
I too am in the process of NC - text and email only. Its hard but hang in there.
Have you let go of hope? I try to make myself stop hoping but I can feel that deep down inside I still hope for a miracle..
I think hope for the R is important and necessary. You need to keep your ultimate goal as this. But getting the relationship back can't be the goal you're focusing on NOW. As it says in DR, you need to set short term goals that will allow you to reach this long term goal. If you lose hope or give up, then the final goal shifts from getting your R back to making the pain go away or some other thing.
This road is not quick. And it's not easy. And it's not painful.
But I believe that trusting the system is the only way to reach that ultimate goal. In order to hit that final target though, you have to keep it in your sights somehow.
Of course I still hope for a R but my H is not on the same page at the moment, so I continue with GAL and being the best mum to my DDs. If he decides to come back then its a bonus but its going to be a LONG road ahead...
Oops. Meant to say not painLESS.
Tulo -
If you did something to make you a better/stronger/healthier Tulo today, then it wasn't a waste.
You are right, bettering myself, that has to be the focus!
Want to know something silly.. Went out to mow the lawn who is no longer a lawn but more of a meadow.. Felt really good as I sat on my Partner and I felt, yes, you go about your business and take care of your house.. Haha, then the mower broke down! Couldn't help but to laugh!
This is simply one of these days and I'm going to get some help with fixing it and try again tomorrow!
I'm going to read your post a few more times, it cheered me up!
Hugs!
.
I think hope for the R is important and necessary.
As it says in DR, you need to set short term goals that will allow you to reach this long term goal.
But I believe that trusting the system is the only way to reach that ultimate goal. In order to hit that final target though, you have to keep it in your sights somehow.
Thanks for reminding me, I need to check in on DR more. I had DB but accidentally gave it away to charity and bought DR instead. Didn't have the same appeal to me, so I think I might not have given it the same attention as I ought to have done. Was kind of annoyed with myself for misplacing the other one still. Going to revisit it and focus better on it..
God knows I have the time since my lawn mower gave out on me!
Sounds like a very good plan EMO1234!
I have a son but his all grown and I kind of wish I had him in the house so to bring my attention to other stuff, than this.
Think this is a very long road here too, if at all possible!
Tulo, my H tells me he does not want me out of his life and wants to be friends. Stupidly, at the beginning I agreed as that was better than nothing.
Now I am finding it so hard to detach, I want nothing. H emails me friendly and upbeat and all I can think of is how easy it is for you to do this. How easy it is for you to see that D is ok for me too (as I am not showing him how hurt painful it is for me) sorry to sound such a Debbie Downer.
I worry, showing him we can be friends helps them to justify their reasons for a D even more.
Hi Tulo
That's the spirit. Mowing the lawn is dull, but it keeps you busy. A lot better than an idle mind.
Hi Smoothy
Schoolgirl error about being friends. We all say OK, because we don't want to let go, but in reality it just justifies their actions. It'll hurt like hell but we don't want to be friends (well not in the sense they are proposing).
He's emailing friendly upbeat nonsense because he thinks you're still hooked. You're better than that. I've said before, you're still young, you'll find somebody else if he doesn't want you.
Huddy,
Now is a very weak moment indeed.. And I need to send an S.O.S to you guys before I make a massive mistake and call my ex and give him a piece of my mind..
Background is this.. My ex was a little bit jealous in our R and at one point he asked me about people I had on FB. I told him that he had nothing to worry about, I had no contact with anyone but him and were totally devoted to him. A few days later him and I had a discussion about the mother of his kids intensive texting all time about nothing at all. It was easily 10-15 times a day. He didn't reply to all of them, but still, pretty much non stop. I said to him that "You ask me about stuff and still you are the one who have this over the top contact with someone else that isn't at all called for, really." He agreed and cut back on it.
In this discussion I kind of turned the tables on him, asking him about some of his contacts on FB and why he felt that he could ask me about different people when I could see that he had a few questionable himself. Among those a childhood friend who he had a one night stand with at some point but I guess they felt it wasn't what they wanted and went back to being just friends. He removed her, on his own accord, and that was that.
Time passed and when we had our talk in the beginning of April I asked him if this had anything to do with anyone else, and if he were in contact with anyone. He said no, but said that he had called this woman because he had heard from his mother that she had to have surgery and he had called her in January and just wished her well and so on. He emphasised that he had no interest in her what so ever, but felt bad about not reaching out when she went through a hard time. He didn't tell me of this, when he did it but only at BD.
When I asked him, at our talk in the beginning of May, if he had been talking to anyone about our R and he said that he had sent her a text asking if he could call and then he had spoken to her about this because she's a "good old friend and always so open to helping others and easy to talk to". I told him that he could have told me that he missed her friendship and I would have been totally fine with it but I'm glad he has someone to talk to.
And NOW! He took our R off FB yesterday and today I get a little reminder in the feed that "ex is now friends with x" and I feel so hurt. I didn't ask him to take her off FB, I haven't been the one holding him from being friends with her, and now it feels like he's more or less saying "the wicked witch is gone and now I add you on FB and yay I'm free at last".. Or something to that affect.
SORRY THAT THIS IS SO LONG..
And all I want to do now is call him, saying that I feel like he hasn't been honest with me during our R, that he could have trusted me with his feelings that he wanted to be friends with her and that I would have been fine with it. But by not doing that, he never gave our R a chance.
PLEASE, any input on this is very much appreciated, because NC is going out the window fast I feel..
Wow, chill. Mountains and molehills. It's no big deal. Rise above it. If he sees that you are annoyed that'll just confirm what he believes, true or not.
It's only FB. It'll be forgotten the next time someone posts a picture of a funny cat. Pick your fights carefully. This isn't one of them.
I agree with NDY, and I would lose the FB notifications etc. too. One thing i have learned on the boards is that FB following in sitches like ours just leads to misery. It all just keeps you attached, when more detachment is what you are working towards.
Take care, T :-)
Wow, chill. Mountains and molehills. It's no big deal. Rise above it. Pick your fights carefully. This isn't one of them.
Thanks dear NDY!
I have calmed down a little now but still feel gutted. But I'm not going to call him about it, I will raise above.
Sooner or later we have to meet to exchange our keys and if I want to say something then, I can.
Just feel like he's painting it out to be all on my, when he's the one that made barriers for himself, due to old stuff in previous R.
Thanks NDY! Hug!
It all just keeps you attached, when more detachment is what you are working towards.
Take care, T :-)
Thanks Toots for your reply!
I know you are right, and I need to either take him off (just thinking that I might loose the op to show him my GAL through out the summer, and not sure I want that) or stop reacting when things show up, and stop going into his wall.
I need to focus on detaching and this isn't doing the trick, obviously.. But I've calmed down and won't call him like a bat out of hell screaming at him. Something I've never really done, so why start now.
I have to see this as something that will take time, and not go crazy all the time. Hopefully time will make it easier.
Now, I have to get a move on, going to paint my nieces apartment today, and I sure need to get out of the house and interact with some people.
Thanks again! Keep well! Hug
Sooner or later we have to meet to exchange our keys and if I want to say something then, I can.
Hey, I wouldn't even grace that with a response to your H. If it were me I'd view it as nothing but a silly gesture and see it as such. Don't sweat the smalls.
Just feel like he's painting it out to be all on my, when he's the one that made barriers for himself, due to old stuff in previous R.
Thanks NDY! Hug!
They all do that. It's US that are at fault, not them, remember? This is the mindset of the WAS. It's how they justify their actions. Our job is to DEMONSTRATE how wrong they are, hence the actions are louder than words mantra you see around here all the time.
Thanks for the hug.
Hi Tulo
Sorry, been in a meeting. FB is no big deal, so forget it. He may have friended somebody, but don't second guess what's on their mind. If it's friends, fine, if it's not why would you want to be with him anyway?
No texting, no messaging, just leave him. Yeah, it's infuriating, it hurts, but it's for your own health.
Hi Tulo
Sorry, been in a meeting. FB is no big deal, so forget it.
No texting, no messaging, just leave him. Yeah, it's infuriating, it hurts, but it's for your own health.
You are so right as per usual dear Huddy! So glad to get your input!:)
I have calmed down a bit and been to the beauty salon for some ME time..
He has said he has no interest in her, and I just have to think that of that's true, fine, if not he can go where the sun very seldom shine..
Hope you had a good meeting and that the sun shines on you!
Hug!
Non-DB related...but I don't like FB. I'm not on it. I've seen too much of this. And I've seen too many people surfing face book posts on the couch while their spouse is having a disconnected conversation with them. I can already tell you my next partner will know how to shut their phone off at meals, during conversations...and won't be addicted to FB. OK, personal pet peeve.
As for this, I do think it's a big deal, but agree not to bring it up.
H has a one night stand with a female and essentially agrees to break it off. Now they're talking. Violation one. They're talking about the breakdown of an M. Discussing relationship details with opposite sex, violation two. And doing one and two with no regard to Tulo's feelings and allowing her no say, violation three. So Tulo, you're NOT crazy for feeling this way. It is quite simply a betrayal, and at this point whether they get physical is just semantics.
HOWEVER...at this point you get no voice in his behavior. You don't control him. If he wants to have an orgy with his entire 9th grade girls marching band there is not one thing you can do to change that. Even if he acts like he in some small way cares what you think, the fastest way to lose that is by trying to leverage it into control.
Oh, and how weak does that sound? It would be like if my W told me "H, I don't care at all about how you feel, you're not the man OM is" and I replied "stop, you're hurting my feelings, please don't"...just pathetic. Just detach, GAL, and leave him with his homewrecking tramp (sorry, did that slip out? I let it go now...)
The answer isn't rage- although that's a reasonable reaction. But as you work through your emotions you'll see that he doesn't deserve that much power over your head either. Bottom line, he's acting like a 3 year old. What do you do when a three year old throws a fit? You shrug and say "I'm going to do something else until they scream themselves out". That's all there is to do.
Echo that. I'm not on FB either (funnily enough, neither is my 19 yo SD) as I have seen what damage simple actions make happen.
Zues' analgy about a 3 yo is a good one. Petulant, selfish behaviour. Get angry, yeah, but don't show it.
As for this, I do think it's a big deal, but agree not to bring it up.
H has a one night stand with a female and essentially agrees to break it off.
At this point whether they get physical is just semantics.
HOWEVER...at this point you get no voice in his behavior. You don't control him.
"I'm going to do something else until they scream themselves out". That's all there is to do.
Hi Zeus,
How great to hear from you! Have read some of your previous message several times over when I'm about to loose it..
Many valid points as per usual.
And you are right, I have no say in what he does, we are over and as you say, he can engage with an entire football team if he wants to, and all I can do is absolutely nothing.
The one night stand was before our R and I don't think (when I'm a bit more lucid than before) that he's into her. He has said that he isn't, bit I'm well aware of the possibility that it can be a lie.
I'm so with you on the betrayal of him discussing our R with her, and that hurts so much, because he said to me that she had said that "he needs to follow his heart" etc etc and obviously she would say that.
I will keep the NC and if he calls this weekend and asks about it I'm not even sure if I should pick up. I had said I would call, but feel to hurt now to do that. Do you agree that not calling even if I said I would is correct?
Should I pick up if he does?
I think I'm going to stay off FB until half marathon is over, all this mess is making me weak (for real) in my knees and that is no way to get through 21 K..
Dear Zeus, thanks again! Feel bloody lost at the moment and this really helps!
Hug!
Echo that. Get angry, yeah, but don't show it.
I will Huddy! It's just so hurtful but he's not going to get a reaction out of me..
Thanks for checking in Huddy, really means a lot!!
Hug!
Tulo -
I'm with you. This process [censored]. Just when you think there's nothing they can do to hurt you more, something stupid comes up and you feel it all over again.
All of us here have two choices - fight for our R or give up and walk away. Fighting for the R [censored]. And it hurts. A lot. But by going through, I am learning a lot about myself and what I want for me and my family. Even if I don't wind up with my W, I'll be better for it.
Choosing to walk away doesn't let me go through any of that, so I can't grow for any future relationships. So the fight is for my M. But it's also for me.
Tulo, don't give them this power to hurt you. I have been through something similar. They reached out to each other over FB as friends then an EA developed, was told by H she is someone he can talk too. Just friends, no designs on each other. She reached out for him when she was in hospital as opposed to all her other friends and H said it was NOTHING!!!
She is the one he is now seeing as friends and definitely not dating, the lies they tell you. Sorry to sound so bitter!
Tulo -
I'm with you. This process [censored].
All of us here have two choices - fight for our R or give up and walk away.
So the fight is for my M. But it's also for me.
Hi Matt,
Thanks for checking in!
Yep, and I can't walk away yet.. Maybe I will at some stage but I really want to try and save this if possible. I found DB online today and ordered it. I have read it before but want to read it again, if only to learn for next R.
I hope to become stronger in myself so that I can handle stuff like this better in future.
Today has been so hard.
H sent text today in the afternoon. Asking if I feel in good form for my upcoming run.. He had sent a picture of his result at the same race along in the message. I was so surprised but waited a few hours and just wrote back that I think I'm in good form but that I won't be able to beat his time. He sent back that he was sure that I could and we sent a few more back and forth and then I said that I was going to watch a movie =ending out texting.
Was that ok guys? Or should I have not answered at all? I didn't ask anything about him, and I was the one who said goodbye.. Haha, for me that's big stuff!
Ok, have to start cleaning my house. Raining outside and dog paws doesn't really do much for my decor.
Hugs to you Matt! Thanks for stopping by!
Tulo, don't give them this power to hurt you.
Sorry to sound so bitter!
Dear Smothy!
You don't ever need say sorry for anything.. I totally understand how you must feel in regards to this!
I will work really hard to not let them/ him hurt me anymore. I don't like giving them this power and I really need to take it back!!
Time will tell if they get together, I can't help but to hope they don't but if they do, the he'll with them!! I want a man who is true to me! And in that case he was anything but!
Big hug!!
Tulo,
Sorry to hijack your thread..but I need to say something to Zeus.
HOWEVER...at this point you get no voice in his behavior. You don't control him. If he wants to have an orgy with his entire 9th grade girls marching band there is not one thing you can do to change that.
Oh yes...Tulo would have done something about
that ^^. That would be statutory rape. You just had to say '9th grade girls' here, Zeus??!!
Dumb, dumb choice of words.
Hi Tulo,
Stopping bye say hello.
Idk where you decided to settle on the friends matter, but I strongly believe:
A) in any break up one person cares more than the other. This is usually the person content to eat the friend crumb. It's a miserable friendship, years of trying to read more into things and jumping when your buddy says jump.
B) IF there is a chance for friendship, it must be after a significant period of NC and space to readjust. So that it might be a healthy one.
Good luck on your half marathon. Rise above all the rest, know your worth.
It's a miserable friendship, years of trying to read more into things and jumping when your buddy says jump.
Good luck on your half marathon. Rise above all the rest, know your worth.
Hi Zelda,
Thanks for checking in..
Well, I woke up this morning and felt like a little bee angry as hell. Seems so easy for him, and here am I being the nice little friend when he wants to deem me worthy of a text.
I can't seem to trust my own judgement when it comes to men. Because I really thought that he was one who wouldn't just walk up and leave at first sign of bad times and to me that is what he's done. Punished myself by going through our old texts and it's not long ago he wrote how much he missed me, wanting to be with me and so on. And now, over and out.
I have decided to focus on my run, have a bit of an issue with a sore foot but hope it will sort itself out by Saturday. I am going to get through it if so on my hands and knees, and this mess isn't going to hold me back.
Will not contact him about race, if he contacts me I will reply friendly but that it!
Hope you have a great day! Thanks for stopping by!
Hug!
yeah but Wonka, they're grown up to now - they were all in 9th grade together
Hi Tulo
I don't think the text conversation was a bad idea as long as you didn't put kisses on or said you missed him etc. He made contact. That's good, but remember not to get excited or jump back in. You need more from him.
Hey Tulo, gotcha
KILL the FB.
And the other shoe drops .... Surely sound s like an EA to me as Zeus said.
i wouldn't be equating hoping for the R with being the best Tulo you can be. Zeus and I have had many manny discussions about this. My last post on my thread ends this way too.
As I picked up a while back and has stuck in my head (think it might've been Toots). Someone chatting with a friend after a year or so and still single: friend commented "I dont know why you are still waiting for him". SHE replied "... I am open to reconcilliation. I am not not waiting".
NOT letting go of hope is just substituting. "OH yes - i have let go of R - but I still hope it works out" ;
Your SHARED past happened and ended. YOUR future is in YOUR hands.
There is no SHARED future that is in YOUR hands. In the present DETACH. Like Cadet's welcome.
You cannot detach and cling to a version of the future.
((((Tulo)))) - i know this is bad. just watch me flip around like a fish out of water.
Morning Tulo - by hey gotcha i mean i found you on your new thread.
Morning Tulo - by hey gotcha i mean i found you on your new thread.
Hey you..
Great to see you!
Have had a lousy day here today, started out good with some I guess healthy anger but pretty soon I started to think, analyse and being the fool that I can be.. Need to get a hold of this!
In bed now, middle of the night and I need to get some sleep.
Keep wondering if he'll contact me before my race, if he doesn't how can I make that ok in my mind. I know I have too. It's just that that this weekend has been so much about him and I, for over a year, ever since I entered. And now we're finished and he's not coming to stay with me at the fancy hotel and he's not cheering me on and so on.. Just hurts.
Even though it shouldn't matter, and doesn't matter, because it's not a him and I anymore, I still want so much for him to show that he cares. You can tell that detaching is going very good right?
But I'll live, as they say. Sorry if I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself right now..
All my best, and thanks for stopping by..
Hi Tulo
I don't think the text conversation was a bad idea as long as you didn't put kisses on or said you missed him etc. He made contact. That's good, but remember not to get excited or jump back in. You need more from him.
Hi Huddy,
I didn't do that.. I know I need more and at the moment I'm very low and feel like it's never going to happen.. Need to shake out of it! Can't wait until 6 months have gone and this has all let up a bit..
Have had a lousy day here today, started out good with some I guess healthy anger but pretty soon I started to think, analyse and being the fool that I can be.. Need to get a hold of this!
Sorry you had a bad day. You know I have lots of them as well, so I am not without fault here as well and dont follow my own advice often enough.
healthy anger---you started to think....Good. you recognise the point where it stops being "healthy" and becomes obsessive and unhealthy. This is excellent progress Tulo. Now, I won't ask you to not think about him at all - but I will ask you to FORCE yourself to stop when you notice it is getting out of hand. And i mean FORCE.
You can visualise this if it helps. personally when i notice I am past this point I start filling a balloon with all my thoughts that keep coming, because trying to stop them dead is ....problematic. Then when my focus is turned to the balloon, which is by now inflated, I pop it.
Dont try and solve all your problems at once. Most of them you can't solve anyway. Just try to do this.
Most times you will be far past the point where your thoughts become obsessive and really damaging before you even realise it. Kill those thoughts as soon as you can. Eventually, even after a few times, you will get better at recognising this point and you will kill the thoughts earlier and earlier. Because you can do this, you will be more confident to indulge "healthy" thoughts about the R - and these you CAN work with.
In bed now, middle of the night and I need to get some sleep.
Keep wondering if he'll contact me before my race, if he doesn't how can I make that ok in my mind. I know I have too. It's just that that this weekend has been so much about him and I, for over a year, ever since I entered. And now we're finished and he's not coming to stay with me at the fancy hotel and he's not cheering me on and so on.. Just hurts.
Even though it shouldn't matter, and doesn't matter, because it's not a him and I anymore, I still want so much for him to show that he cares. You can tell that detaching is going very good right?
But I'll live, as they say. Sorry if I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself right now..
All my best, and thanks for stopping by..
i'll get back to you about this perhaps. I dont know what advice I can specifically offer about the race other than you are competing fro your sake. In the R were you racing for him, in any way? If he was busy and couldn't come to the race back then, would that be such a big deal that the event was less important for you. I doubt it.
"Sorry" - I can understand this - but really dont need to apologize to me. I can just switch you off if i want
You have every right to feel sorry for yourself, be hurt and angry and confused. This is a horrible place to be in your life. but you will live. things will change. things won't be like this forever. it is not particularly helpful or believable right now, but they might even be better. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And you have already survived the worst of it. From here on it is just rehabilitation.
Tulo, I suspect you know this already but just to pound it in: (correct if i am wrong and/or tell me where to go if appropriate)
Your R is over. This is not just a fight in the R and H/he has "spat the dummy" (pacifier - not sure how local this slang is).
So - your only move is forwards. And DB or not this means YOU moving forwards. Zeus posted not so long ago his DB coach's post BD "Steps". Using poetic licence:
1. Dissolve your old R completely. Be your own person.
2. Can be friends with ex if that is what you want AFTER 1.
3. Romance may blossom with now friend ex. if that is what you want AFTER 2.
4. R with ex. this WILL include dressing old wounds no doubt.
SO - you/we are at 1. my dear. Notice at 1. there is no mention of 2,3,4. These actually hinder 2,3,4 anyway. For a succesful version of ANY 2,3,4 (whether it is with ex or not) YOU need to achieve 1. in the best way possible.
Granted - you/we have to let go of the idea that we can do anything about the sitch now. We feel like letting go of 2,3,4 and focusing on 1 means 2,3,4 won't happen. IT WONT HAPPEN NOW ANYWAY. it could happen that your H has big hiccup in his new life and comes running back, but that isn't what you want. Chances are that you'll help him back on his feet and he'll do it again.
I have been hopeful that if I can turn it around quickly, I can turn her round quickly to, or show her that I have changed and there is no need for her to feel that way anymore. But the reality is that her "feeling" is not that trivial that we can just wash it away. There is a strong possibility that OM loses his temp VISA in next few months. Life will be hard for her and OM is not around either - and she will come back. Despite how she has treated me, I would still ask my friends here and in real life to help me stay strong enough to turn her away until she has demonstrated more of a commitment than just activating plan B.
SO take away plan B. Make him earn you back.
Dear Py,
Thank you so much for this post, and to Zeus for giving it to you in the first place.
Really needed it! Just woke up, and mornings are my hardest time. Do you ever get this weak feeling in your legs, when you think about stitch or is that just me. I really feel WEAK in my legs so they just feel like jelly.. Don't think I've felt that before.. Haha, no need to tell you how bad that is with my upcoming weekend..
I'm sure your W will come running back if OM has to go back home.. Good you have some time to come up with a strategy for when that happens.
I know in my mind that you are right, they have to work to get us back, but my heart is just like "pleeeeease come back and looooove me agaaaain" and I need that to stop.
For right now, I'm going to the crematorium to pick up my dog, who I lost last week. Want him home before I go away over the weekend. Think that might feel a bit better for me.
All my best Py, you are great! Keep up the good work!
Hi Tulo
It's normal to get jelly legs. It's OK to feel down. It's not OK to let H rule your day. He's chosen to do something else. So, until he realises his error, you get busy and fill up your day.
Keep re reading sandi2's rules. Needy pushes them away. Confident pulls them back.
Hi Tulo.
Keep re reading sandi2's rules. Needy pushes them away. Confident pulls them back.
You are right and I do read them like several times a day, but funny thing is that my mind is like "But shouldn't I just..."
Up until now I haven't contacted him and have decided not to do that either.
Just on my way to the big town on the west coast where the worlds biggest half marathon is held this weekend. It's called Göteborgsvarvet and 65 000 people run. I start at 14.49 tomorrow Swedish time that is 13.49 UK time and if you have a tiny tiny moment keep a small finger crossed for me that I do ok tomorrow.. Haha, I'm so nervous now that I've got butterflies the size of dinosaurs in my tummy now..
I'm going to run for me, and prove to myself that I can do way more then I think and I can't wait to cross that finish line. To me this is like the Olympics, and if someone said to me 2 years ago that I was going to enter I would have said they were crazy.
Thanks Huddy!
Hope you have a great weekend!
Hug
good luck Tulo. i'll be thinking of you.
I don't have much to add. But I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best.
You can do it!
Hi Tulo
Yeah good luck!
Every day I have the 'shouldn't I' moment, but it passes. It's S's birthday tomorrow, so I wonder what that will bring.
Keep going, Tulo. You are stronger than you think! ((( )))
Just woke up for the second time.. Woke up in the middle of the night after having a nightmare about ex. We were together and at a party. All was fine and we had a great time. Suddenly two women shows up that I've never seen before. He follows them into a room, and it's clear that he knows them. He sits on the floor (?) with one on either side and they start to kiss and make out. He sees me but doesn't care. I ask him to come because I want to talk to him, but he just ignores me.
Woke up with anxiety and hard to fall asleep again. This dream is so over the top and nothing he ever would do to me, but still I react to it.
It's early morning here, run day is here and the sun is shining outside. This weekend, planned for over a year, so much of it was about us. Him supporting me, us staying at luxurious hotel and eat at out favourite restaurant. Now I'll do all this, but with my niece.
No sound from him and know I should have any expectations.
Ok, needed to get this down in writing.. Thank you all for well wishes! I'm going to do my best, have a great day and get my medal!
Think of me.. 😊 First ever half marathon, is soon on the way!
Hey my sweet little candy Tulo,
I am here thinking about you today! The joy of racing an event is that the body initially takes over the mind and then they become one, the race will keep you in the moment. Everything else will fade for a time and that will bring peace and focus. You have this! Your success at this event is yours alone, no one did the training, no one else focussed their mind and their time. No one else put on foot on front of the other, mile after mile! This is yours!
We will talk later about the rest. Today is about YOU!!
You can do this. You can push yourself to run 26km!! You can beat a stupid dream. You dont NEED some idiot. You might WANT him, but you are in control of what you WANT. You dont need to run 26km, but you WANT it. You want it for YOU. Not many people have the guts to do this even if they WANT it. But you can and will. You are in control of you Tulo. And that is a gift.
Go get 'em #128522
The dreams are terrifying, but it's OK, it's just your mind sorting it out, giving you a break.
Take part, enjoy and importantly, do this for yourself! Good luck. Let us know how you get on.
Hey guys!!
I can hardly believe it, but I did it!
And it went so much better than I thought. The track had 4 major hurdles in it, 1 pretty long and steep hill, 2 massive bridges and one looooong avenue with a steady climb and I just went trough them in my steady pace and finished my run in 2:13:57 and I even had some power spared due to to many people in the way so hard to run faster than I did.
Today I can hardly walk, but I'm so happy that I did it! Thanks for support!
Just as I had written my post about my nightmare I got a text from ex saying that he wished me luck and that he'd be thinking about me during my run. It made me happy, and it felt good that he did that.
I sent him a Glympse before I started (so that he could track me during the race) maybe not so NC as I should but this has been a year in the making and I didn't want it to become a DB thing.
He sent back immediately that he kept his fingers crossed and to have a good run. I could tell from the app (when I was done) that he had been watching me along the track and I sent him a picture of me with the medal. He sent back that he thought I was so great to have done this and that he hoped I had a great time. He finished off with a hug and I felt so happy that I had done it and that he had thought of me.
I went to the hotel (that I have booked for him and I, a year ago) with my niece and had the longest shower ever. At around eight o'clock in the evening I just felt like I wanted to talk to him, so I did strike 101 on my NC thing and gave him a call. He didn't pick up. Made my gut go bananas, but I tried to think that I wasn't going to let this ruin my day.
It took like 15 minutes and then I got a text saying that he hadn't heard the phone, but if I could call again, please do so because he really wanted to talk to me about the race and how it all had gone.. So I did and he sounded so sweet on the phone. (I could totally read more in to tone of voice than I should)
We spoke of the race and he said he'd been watching me and been worried all day about me. -What, worried about me? Why? -I was just so worried you would over do it and something would happen to you..
He also said, as I said that I really thought that he should try to run it again (he did it 21 years ago but has been very firm on the fact that he'd NEVER run it again) and suddenly he wasn't totally against it but said that he might have to rethink his decision never to do it again..
We spoke of his boat his working on, and about his son and lots of other stuff and talked for a total of 45 minutes, and it felt so normal and good with a very good feeling. We said goodbye as it was time for Sweden in the Eurovision and then he sent me a mms with the pictures of his boat, and the progress.
I had told him during our talk, that I wanted to come along on the boat once it's finished and he said that of course I should. (The boat won't be finished until next year.)
Anyway.. What do you think? Am I wrong to feel a little bit of hope? I'm going back to waiting for him to make contact now, don't want to push. But for him to spend 45 minutes with me on the phone on a Saturday, talking about maaaaybe wanting to do that run and stuff felt a little bit like a step forward.
But I could be totally wrong and this is just him being "friends"..
As I woke up today, I felt this longing I have in my heart. Summer is on the way and I can't believe that we're not going to go on picnics any more and it fills me with such sadness..
I know you all are going through stuff, and have no clue what's happening at the moment but think of you often!
Hugs!
But I could be totally wrong and this is just him being "friends"..
you could be, but hey - its nice to see someone happy on these boards - so DB or not, be happy
congratulations on the race Tulo
Well done, Tulo, keep with the smile!
Well done Tulo. It takes me all my time to run a bath. Yeah, you've probably broken the rules (he really should have called you) but if it gives you a little happiness, then so be it.
Just stopping by to congratulate you on your accomplishment.
Wishing you the best
Hello Tulo,
Congratulations on the race, I am very impressed and proud of you. Way to go!!
Yes, no expectations, but I really like what Pyrite posted:
"...its nice to see someone happy on these boards - so DB or not, be happy."
Enjoy the moment. We're here for you Tulo!
Your friend,
Bob
Thank you all so much! I'm very proud that I made it and have already entered my next one. It's in 109 days so I have a few days of rest and then it's out for a new run again. I have realised that I need it, something to focus on (even though I'm doing a lousy job of it when I'm thinking of ex) and to look forward to.
I actually have done another back-track-move during my weekend after my run was over. I'm big on sending cards and when I was so happy afterwards and felt victorious I sent a few cards to my closes friend thanking them for cheering me on the road towards my run. So I sent one to ex too. I know he always liked me sending him cards, and I felt if this is the last thing we have contact over, I want to go out with thanking him for his support.
So I chose a picture of one of the huge bridges that are part of the race and wrote : "Hey you! I made it and are so incredibly happy. Thanks for all the support and pep talks along the way. It has been worth GOLD to me! Hug! /M
The gold reference is something we say in Sweden if something has meant a lot but I have also always had a special nick-name for him that doesn't really translate but is more or less "golden-Carl" and everyone knows it and among other things gave him the perfume bottle that is made like a gold bar. So gold has always been a thing between him and I.
I didn't know if he would react to the card, was totally prepared for silence but yesterday he sent back "Thanks for the card. I think you are fantastic, what an achievement! Now you just have to recharge for the next one. I'm sure that it will go even better now that you've got the momentum going! Hugs!"
I just sent a happy text back saying that I hope so and that I have 110 days to go. I was very weary not to send anything he needed to reply to. But he sent a reply anyway so we texted back and forth a few times and when I had fallen asleep I got a text saying that he's looking forward to see how I do on my next half marathon and for me to sleep well, hugs. Sent a text saying sleep tight and fell asleep pretty happy.
Still I know that I can't have any expectations. This can only be him wanting to be friends. I will wait for him to contact me now, and I hope hope hope that he does. Until that I'm going to try to GAL as best I can. But it's so hard guys.
I have a question. We still have each others keys. And I know that if/when he asks for his back, I will be devastated. And even if I know this, I can't seem to work through this so that won't happen.. So do you think I should ask for us to exchange keys? Is that a sign of detachment on my part, that could be a 180 move?
Do you think he can react badly to this? What would you have done? I know this isn't up there with saving kids and houses and stuff, and I'm very aware of some of you stitches that are so hard, much harder than leave key or not, but would still be very grateful for any thoughts you might have.
Sending you all my very very best!
Hugs!
Morning yet again and it feels hopeless. Sun is shining outside and all I can think of is the upcoming summer when I'm going to be without him. I feel like I want to go to our picnic spot and just cry all day long.
Hopefully today my DB book, found it online, will arrive. I know this has to be viewed as a marathon and not a sprint. But I'm hurting and it feels like I'm waiting for something that won't ever come true.
Today is the first day I can run again, really need it. Next week I'm seeing my therapist again. Trying to count down until then so as not give up totally until then.
This hurts so bad, again. I think I'm not going to be one of those with a happy ever after, I haven't been in previous R, and not in this one that I really thought had the qualities to go the distance. Makes me just want to give up.
Ok, needed to vent.
Morning Tulo
I'm sorry it's a down day. It'll pass. Running will help as it will give your brain time to work through things,
Read Sandi's rules again. He has to feel you HAVE given up on him. It's not what your heart is telling you, but it does make a difference.
Hope you have a better afternoon.
Morning Tulo
Read Sandi's rules again. He has to feel you HAVE given up on him. It's not what your heart is telling you, but it does make a difference.
Hope you have a better afternoon.
Thanks dear Huddy! You're right he has to feel like I've given up but I don't really know how to achieve that at this point.. Would you ask for the key back? Could that be a 180 thing, you think?
Will read Sandi's again, I always feel a bit better afterwards!
I wish you a great day, I'm going to try to crawl out of this hole I'm in. Hoping your L meeting goes well!!
Morning
Why make a big deal about the keys? If you are trying to send him a message (look at me, I'm moving on) then I suspect that will backfire IMO. Just leave it be.
Yeah, NDY has it nailed on. Forget the key. Just go dark.
Morning
Why make a big deal about the keys? If you are trying to send him a message (look at me, I'm moving on) then I suspect that will backfire IMO. Just leave it be.
Well, I'm really not wanting to give it back, but I think that if he does the move first I will be very upset and sad and feeling rejected, and maybe he'll think that I'm holding on to it and not moving on..
But I'm not scared he's going to break into my house or anything, so maybe I am better served with going dark and let him contact me.. But since you are men, what do you think he thinks regarding the key?
Haha, I'm useless.. Giving so much thought to a bloody key..
Hope you have a great day NDY, thank you so much for you reply and thoughts, will read up on your tread now..
But since you are men, what do you think he thinks regarding the key?
Hi
I have no idea what he thinks about the keys but if it were me I probably wouldn't give it a second thought.
Yeah, NDY has it nailed on. Forget the key. Just go dark.
Ok dear Huddy, so you also think that is best? You don't think it's a lost 180 moment I'm losing out on. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't expect it so maybe that would be a negative or a positive as he might think I've given up.
You are a man, what would you have thought in the subject?
I think NDY could be right that it can backfire, but in what way do you think?
Hugs!
Hi
I have no idea what he thinks about the keys but if it were me I probably wouldn't give it a second thought.
Ok, I was just thinking that it would be something that he might be thinking about, but you could be right and it's not a concern at the moment.. Hope you are right!
Keys would be the last hing on my mind. As LBS's we are always trying to guess if W/H is thinking about us. I bet they do it, just as much as we do, so a key isn't really doing any harm being kept.
He's got to make the effort, otherwise he can just sit back and let you do all the begging.
Keys would be the last hing on my mind. As LBS's we are always trying to guess if W/H is thinking about us. I bet they do it, just as much as we do, so a key isn't really doing any harm being kept.
He's got to make the effort, otherwise he can just sit back and let you do all the begging.
Ok, I do hope that you are right and this won't be an issue for awhile.. I'll leave it for now and let the key stay put.
Thanks for your thoughts!
There is also a tendency for the LBS to over analyse everything. Given the title of the thread this doesn't fit with the detachment mantra.
OK, just realised I'm on the wrong thread RE detacement, but the point still stands.
There is also a tendency for the LBS to over analyse everything. Given the title of the thread this doesn't fit with the detachment mantra.
Haha, here I know you are right.. Without a doubt!
Analyse.r.us (actually -me- but r.us sounds better)..
Have to stop doing that! All the little things that I think mean this, that and the other is just probably nothing to him.. And I'm just hurting myself as I read to much into things.
Thanks again!
Tulo
Have you ever tried to eat an elephant?
Do you know how to do that?
One bite at a time.
I know it seems overwhelming and more than you can possibly do.
However take a few bites.
You can eat the whole thing, just not all at once.
((((((((HUGS)))))))))
There is also a tendency for the LBS to over analyse everything. Given the title of the thread this doesn't fit with the detachment mantra.
Haha, here I know you are right.. Without a doubt!
Analyse.r.us (actually -me- but r.us sounds better)..
Have to stop doing that! All the little things that I think mean this, that and the other is just probably nothing to him.. And I'm just hurting myself as I read to much into things.
Thanks again!
Me too, Tulo,me too. I have been thinking about the way my H signed his email today.....Hx
Thanks for your input Cadet, I appreciate to hear from you.
I understand the taking it slow references, unfortunately it's not something that comes easy for me.. So maybe I'm slow but did you mean this with taking it slow in reference to the key - thing? Or in general?
I have decided to be quiet and let him contact me but I'm just not sure if this could be a gesture that he could take a as "she's moving on" (not holding on) or in a more negative way..
I just received my DB book nr 2 today and have it beside me in the car as I drive. Can't wait to come home and read it again.. A
Any thoughts from you dear Cadet is very welcome!
Forgot the ((((Cadet))))
Hahaha, I know what you mean dear Smothy! All to well!
I'm trying to relax, breath and just wait to see what happens.. Nothing that comes easy to me..
Hugs!
Sometimes by just waiting patiently the answers come to us without even asking.
So - Yes - I think you will find out that in the book.
Patience is one of the DB 101 - things.
I am not really saying you are slow or taking it slow.
We all learn at our own speed and when we are ready to do so.
If you just keep taking small steps forward then at some point you can look back and see how far you have come.
Hence the eating of an elephant or this is a marathon not a sprint, reference.
I think the point about DB'ing is to break up the goal into small manageable things.
That you can control.
Not someone else.
Keep reading and ask questions if you need to.
Seems like you're doing OK Tulo. As Cadet says, steady slow progress is better than no progress all.
^^^^ agree with this.
Once we started on the elephant, we can keep picking at it ;-)
"People don't just fall out of love.They stop doing what they were doing when they fell in love. Love isn't just a feeling, it's about action". -Michelle Weiner Davis Feb 8, 2015 via Twitter <
This post makes me really sad, because I feel that this is exactly what happened. After a very hectic period for both of us, we simply forgot to take care of -us- and it all went down the drain..
What ever happens, I won't do that mistake again!
Sometimes by just waiting patiently the answers come to us without even asking.
I think the point about DB'ing is to break up the goal into small manageable things.
That you can control.
Not someone else.
Keep reading and ask questions if you need to.
Thanks Cadet!
Been reading my DB like crazy and take some comfort in it.
So many thoughts that run through my head and as you say, I need to take it slow and one thing at the time..
Will return with questions, no doubt!
All my best!
Ok, I did something very stupid..
My ex's mum wrote to me on FB asking if she could get some rhubarb from me this year. I had plans to go to a GAL lunch with two friends and I said that I could drop of at ex's for her at the same time when I was in town ..
Called him and said that she'd asked and I brought some and he sounded very happy and said that she'd be so happy and yes do come and drop them off. I went there after lunch and stopped on the street as he came and he said asked it I wanted to come up. I did and we talked for awhile.. I asked it he had told his family that we were over and he said he had and I asked what reason he had given them and he said that he had said that he didn't feel it anymore. He said his parents have said that I was always welcome there and I said that maybe we could go say hi at some stage (him and I) and he said that -Sure we can.
He looked quite tired and not at all up beat. I asked him if everything was Ok and he said that it was.
He got a bit quiet and I asked what he was thinking about and he smiled and looked a bit flustered.. He said that he thought about the last time we met.. And I said what about it?
-You know, about what we did.. (Sex) And I said, oh, that.. What about it, I said.. -Just that it was really good.. Mm, I said.. It got all quiet and he said he had thought a lot about it..
Well, to cut a long story short it ended up with us deciding to meet up next week for a escapade because he was taking his son for football very soon and had to hurry. None the less before I left we had sex and it felt great, and then we hurried off and said we'd ring about next week..
Anyway.. The good feeling of this kind of vanished when I saw (Yes, do give me the 2x4's because I know all of this is wrong) that he added an old neighbour of mine on FB. She is (I think) single and a really sweet person and this obviously had me in a tailspin..
I know he's not a person who would keep 2 women at the same time, he just isn't, and he has several friends who know her and she has a daughter the same age as his twins so there could be a great many reasons for him to add her besides being interested in her romantically..
It felt so good when we talked and we're intimate but now I'm just in such pain thinking I'm a fool that have given him sex without any R..
I'm a bloody fool and to tell you all the truth it feels like I never going to be happy again!!
Sorry you're struggling today Tulo. This whole thing is hard and sometimes you make mistakes. The physical intimacy is something that you miss and when it's offered, it can be hard to turn down.
But now you know not to do it again unless your in an R. Be more protective of your heart, it's in your hands to protect it, not his. I don't know his thoughts, but would imagine that he thinks he can definitely have the best of both worlds. Or maybe it's just a friend on FB, don't give it more credence than it may be due.
Don't beat yourself up, just learn from this and take measures to make sure that it doesn't happen again. Measures that protect YOU! You're the one that's going to suffer, you're the one that has to bear the pain.
Happiness will find you Tulo, I'm sure of it.
PP
Happiness will find you Tulo, I'm sure of it.
PP
Thank you so much for your reply!!
I hope you are right but all is so dark now that I can't feel it and at the moment not even think it. And through all my previous ups and downs I've always known in my heart that I'll be fine. This time I don't..
It's 4.30 in the middle of the night here and haven't slept a wink.. So sad!
Thank you again!!
Hug!
Hi Tulo -
If my wife offered herself to me physically right now, I don't know how I'd be able to say no. I don't put you at fault for any of it.
Try to get some sleep. You'll have better clarity in the...morning.
That wasn't very nice of him, was it? Take advantage of your feelings for him to get you to have sex with him? I doubt he could trick himself in to actually believing that you would be fine with being friends with benefits.
It's hard to resist the physical pull from a longtime partner. Maybe you can find a way not to see him in private again?
Tulo, don't beat yourself up about it. I would find it very difficult to say no to my STBX.
Part of me would feel hopeful that he was still attracted to me, which would be a very dangerous road to follow. I am working with my IC on boundaries when I get back to the UK.
Look at the bright side Tulo...touching the hot stove is sometimes the best teacher. You might have just come as far today as you would have in 2 months of DBing on your own.
Hi Tulo -
If my wife offered herself to me physically right now, I don't know how I'd be able to say no. I don't put you at fault for any of it.
Try to get some sleep. You'll have better clarity in the...morning.
Thank you so much for the reply..
Well, I've only got 2 hours sleep but will try to get an hour or so more.. I'm so low but know I need to get through this. I think it's so difficult because I miss being close to him so badly.
I'm starting to question all my beliefs I've had of him, that he really is a good guy, when I start thinking about if he's already out and being open to a new R.
I would never (normally) think he would do that and be intimate with me at the same time.. But have I been so wrong the entire time? None of my friends think that have meet him thinks so, could it just be all in my head?
Thanks again, got to try to sleep some more..
Hugs!
People do the craziest things. Never thought my H of 14 years would cheat on me, hire an attorney to try and keep me out of the house, etc. Blew me away, it did. Still not sure if this is someone I want to live with...
But - I don't think our entire relationship was a lie. We had trouble for a long time and he wouldn't talk about it, so it got worse and worse. Eventually, he chose a really bad way out. Some people are good people but choose poor solutions when they are challenged. They don't have the tools or training to do differently, I guess.
I think all our spouses have done things that are not 'them'.
Thinking of believe nothing of what they say and 50% of what they do helps a little.
Tulo, I crave my H and want him badly too!
Hello Tulo,
First of all, thank you for your kind post in my thread. I really appreciate it. I keep forgetting to mention that I am mostly Swedish and Danish (you show your location as Sweden).
I can understand completely why you feel so confused and down. I really felt that Painter's and Smothy's recent posts were SO supportive. They are both wonderful, as are you! Do not beat yourself up about this. It will only make you weaker. You want to be stronger, of course, and I feel you have it in you.
Are you trying any "180s" recently? I've been looking back in your thread and can't find any. I may have just missed them.
Keep detaching (hard to do, I know) and keep a PMA!
Sending *Hugs* and a prayer your way. You are going to get thru this. We are all here for you, Tulo.
Bob