Hi everyone,
I've been reading the forums silently for the past 6 weeks looking for support and tips on how to save my M. H dropped the bomb on 3/15 but he keeps saying until today that he loves me, he's still attracted to me but he doesn't see that we have a future together. We've been married for 13 years, S13, D 12 and S4.
He agreed to go for counselling so that we could be better parents after the D. I've been reading DR after I stumbled upon this website and have been trying the steps in the book but I've slid a few times. It's so hard not to talk about R especially when I think about the kids. been asking him to reconsider for kids sake but he's still adamant to proceed with D. D will be final on May 21st which is just a few weeks away. I've been trying to GAL but there are days that I just cannot move on.
we spoke about R two nights ago..i know I shouldn't have but I did!!! H got really upset and started yelling at me saying that there is no way he would ever consider R. we're still living in the same house but he's now sleeping in another room for the past 6 weeks. Otherwise, I'm still doing the usual stuff st home, laundry, cooking etc. I have made a lot of changes on my part...used to get angry all the time. He says he has noticed my changes but he doesn't think it'll last. it's so frustrating. I need help....I'm running out of time.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).
Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Thank you Cadet. I've read and re-read what you posted up there. I've been doing some 180, I think it's working. H still hugs and kisses me, should I withdraw myself? I'm so confused.
. H still hugs and kisses me, should I withdraw myself?
I'm so confused.
The most confusion happens at the beginning.
Is he involved with someone else?
I would think if he is you do not want to be involved with
him while he is involved with someone else.
Hi Arleen.
It's really hard. It's really confusing. It's really painful.
You can't change that
But you can change how you respond to that.
And, as I keep reading, you are never OUT of time. Just because you get divorced doesn't mean you can't still get married again.
Wishing you the best
No he says he's not involved with anyone else. he says between kids aND the family, he doesn't have time for anything else. He seems to remember all the fights we've had the past 13 years and can't remember any good times. I guess that's typical for a WAS?
Thank you Winhamn and Matt777. Friends are saying I'm in denial and that I should move on. Maybe I should. Trying to GAL; focus on work and my health.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Friends are saying I'm in denial and that I should move on. Maybe I should. Trying to GAL; focus on work and my health.
I'm sure you are in denial. I know I am!!
Still, the best move is to take care of yourself, and improve yourself.
Apparently you have to learn to drop your concerns about TIME and EXPECTATIONS. I haven't got that handled yet myself.
I meant between WORK and family,he doesn't have time for anything else.
Oh dear then I should I hide my DR book.
Winhamn, I've reduced my expectations so much the past 6 weeks. H agrees that I have improved a lot but thinks that the past 6 weeks "isn't us" and that we'll fall back to our cycle of fighting etc.
When he dropped the bomb, he says we're better off as friends and that nothing he does and did the past 13 years ever made me happy. The truth is, he is a wonderful H...despite his tight work schedule he spends what ever time he has to help me out with chores at home and with kids. he said he gave up what ever social life and hobbies he had for us but I'm still wanting more. That what he does/did is never enough for me.
He also says that it's a bit too late to fix the marriage and that D is the best option.
I on the other hand, will not quit until we R.
Arleen,
Sorry you are here. Looks like we are on similar timeframe. My H and I had fight on 3/13 which resulted him H saying he thinks we should D. He has since dediced that he needs space and time to make sure he is making right decision. All I have heard over the past 6 weeks is how terrible our M has been, so I understand how confusing and hurtful it is to hear your S say those things. I would try and not focus on that too much as your H is not in the most rational state right now.
There are some great people on this forum that have been here much longer than me, but they have great advice. I am still so new at this myself, so I can not offer much advice. I will say that my sitch has continued to get more confusing.
What has helped me is focusing on myself and GAL.
Hang in there!
Thanks BW05...there are days when I feel that it's getting somewhere, there are days that I just want this to magically resolve and H will say he doesn't want a D and we live happily ever after. haha
Just spoke to a friend and she thinks I should move out from the house so that H misses me. Maybe I should but I'm so torn...
Hi Arleen. As with everyone else, I am sorry you find yourself here. It is generally agreed that moving out of the marital home, especially when kids are involved, is a bad idea. Unless of course there is a danger to you or the kids. Otherwise, make HIM leave the house. I get it though how hard it is when this first starts and you are living under the same roof. He will look and act like a complete stranger to you. You will wonder where the heck did my H go?
Do not have expectation for a quick solution to this. While anything is possible, it most likely took your H a long time to get this point, so it will take a while for him to want to R with you. So drop all talk of R and spend 100% of your efforts on YOU. Dig deep on what your contribution to the M collapse may have been and work on those 180s. Be consistent, be patient, and most important, have a positive attitude around him and GAL!
Keep posting, others will chime in.
Best of luck to you...
Ok thanks for the input. I really dont want to move out of the house...I'll feel bad about the kids.
I guess I gotta learn to bite my tongue everytime I feel like talking about R.
Thanks so much for your advice. Everyone here has been great. I feel so much better venting out here rather than keeping it to myself
Arleen,
I strongly recommend you stay put as long as there in n abuse. If there is, he should go.
Still living together has given my H and I a number of unplanned opportunities to reconnect that would have been much harder if we were not living together. I have the opportunity to show H changes and GAL more easily as well. Since we do not have children, reasons to connect would few and in between. I think this is what is causing him his confusion and maybe giving him pause about whether D for us right path. I think you can still find ways to make him miss you living there.
BW05
Hi everyone,
Sorry I've been very quiet the last one week. Been busy trying to GAL and work. Things have been pretty good so far. Though H hasn't brought up anything about R. Kids think we're ok since we've spending a lot of time together as a family but little do they know that either one of us (me or H) will have to move out once the D is final, which is end of next week.
I'm still hopeful for sure. It's hard for me to swallow though cos things are going great right now. Part of me has accepted what's going on, but a part of me is still hoping that H would wake up one day and tell me he doesn't want to proceed with D. I don't know how he plans to tell kids about it. But I'd rather not think about too much. I'm trying to act AS IF and enjoy each day as it comes.
He's spending more time with me now, just talking about stuff, he'd sit at the dining table in the kitchen while I cook etc...we're laughing a lot more now. I can feel there's no more tension in the house like it used to be last time. So i take it as a good sign. He tries to come home from work earlier now..i can see that he's changing too. But I can't help but feel that he just wants us to have a good relationship as parents for the kids but nothing more.
I hope everything's going well with everyone else. Hope to hear from you guys
Arleen, I am so sorry to read about your situation, you must have been through the wringer with all of this happening in 6 weeks! You must be shell-shocked. I have never heard of such a speedy divorce before, especially with children and a 13 year marriage and no separation. I didn't know that was possible in any state or country to get a divorce in 6 weeks, except in cases of proven infidelity or abuse, and even then, the courts usually move slower than that.
I want to say, do not listen to friends about decisions like moving out, only listen to your attorney. I hope you have a good one!
I am so very sorry for you, and for the children. Have none of you talked to them about the divorce? Do they really know nothing?
Unfortunately, where I live, once the papers are filed, they can set the day within the same week. My first divorce was just like that.
I was just reading up on the laws for some states... It is horrific that someone can just divorce their spouse and traumatize their children on a whim and get it finalized in 6 weeks.
Yup...where I live that's how it works. I'm not in the US btw
Kids know we're getting divorced, we had an argument in front of kids 8 wks ago. But now they think everything's ok since mom and dad are living under one roof again and things are back to normal.
Anyway, H came home late from work last night. I made a cup of coffee (he likes to drink coffee before going to bed) at the dining table before I went up to bed (I usually wait up for him..not anymore...doing a 180 on that).
Came home and looked for me to say thank you and gave me hug. Felt good. I wish he would give me more of that. Hoping he'd change his mind...but I'm still acting as if. Only God knows what's in my heart right now.
Sorry your going through this Arleen. I know you may not like to hear this, but I think you should prepare yourself for the D going through in a week. It seems you are waiting and hoping things will change before the time comes, but its not likely he will change his mind this fast.
What I fear will happen is that as the timeline gets closer and closer and you see no change by H, you will begin to panic and try to beg or start a R talk as a last resort. We all know begging and arguing wont work, it only pushes them away.
This doesn't mean things are hopeless, D really isn't the end. You have children together and that bond will cause you to be connected for life. This gives you time to work on your changes, time that could show H those changes are real. Stay strong, you can do this.
Hello Arleen,
I, too, am so sorry you're going through this. You have already received great advice - especially about NOT leaving your home. I am not one of the vets, but that is the usual recommendation, unless, as was already mentioned, there is physical abuse, etc.
I noticed when you started posting that your friends were suggesting you move on. I'm sure they mean well, but only you can decide what is right for you.
I am not a Bible expert or super-religious but I came across this today. I hope it brings you some comfort.
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds…. Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit” (Psalm 147:3, 5).
Since your situation is a very rough one, I will dedicate a prayer to you and your family after I post this.
Hang in there!!
*Hugs*
Bob
Thanks Fogg and Bob, truly appreciate your thoughts and prayers. Feeling down today...15th will be exactly 2 months from BD
I am seriously fighting the urge to ask about R. Not a good feeling at all.
Anyway need some feedback. We haven't discussed anything at all about what happens after D. Like who gets custody of kids, whether to sell the house and other assets etc. Should I ask or just wait for him to open his mouth?
Anyway need some feedback. We haven't discussed anything at all about what happens after D. Like who gets custody of kids, whether to sell the house and other assets etc. Should I ask or just wait for him to open his mouth?
Anyway need some feedback. We haven't discussed anything at all about what happens after D. Like who gets custody of kids, whether to sell the house and other assets etc. Should I ask or just wait for him to open his mouth?
Personally I like the idea of saying nothing.
Unless you want to be divorced then by all means continue to pursue.
Hahaha thanks for being so blunt. I needed that
Ok so if H brings it up first though, should I say I don't wanna talk about it? Sorry I'm totally confused right now.
I'm actually in the sales line, I lead a team of about 15 ppl. This is really frustrating for me cos now I have NO control over anything that's going on in my M right now. I've always been goal oriented and patience has never been my strength so this is really really hard for me. Ugh.
Ok so if H brings it up first though, should I say I don't wanna talk about it? Sorry I'm totally confused right now.
I'm actually in the sales line, I lead a team of about 15 ppl. This is really frustrating for me cos now I have NO control over anything that's going on in my M right now. I've always been goal oriented and patience has never been my strength so this is really really hard for me. Ugh.
I guess you may be finding some of the things you need to 180.
YES - you have no CONTROL over him.
Only YOU.
If you have always been in CONTROL maybe the
thing to change is to let him do it.
I still like saying nothing.
Here is something you could say if needed:
Husband I understand you want to be divorced.
That must be very hard for you and it is a brave
step, I will not stand in your way however I will not
help you get divorced.
Yes Cadet. Saying nothing, whilst not the best feeling in the world, does stop any conflicts and lets you sort things out in your own mind about what you need to do to help yourself get stronger.
Thanks for the feedback. I won't bring up D or R. Yes you have a point there. If he wants the D I'm gonna let him do all the work, sit back and relax and enjoy each day as it comes
Past few days have been good so far. However..feeling like an emotional wreck today knowing the deadline is near
So finally H started talking about D going thru in a week. Actually less than a week. I was dreading this talk but I was very calm throughout it. Didn't shed a tear...good progress for me. The last time we spoke about R and D over a month ago I ended begging and pleading. After reading DR and the forum here as well all the advice everyone's given me I am very proud of myself today! I think H was pretty impressed with me too, though he didn't say it.
He says he's going ahead with D, (cried in my heart but maintained my composure) but he feels that we can still work it out. He says he needs more time to figure out if the changes we're both making are gonna last. He says I've been doing a lot of things that were out of my character and he likes it. He also asked if I'd be willing to give us a max of 12 mths to see if we can be M again and in the meantime be committed to each other and not start dating anyone yet.
Some of the 180s I've been doing for the past 7 weeks after reading DR:
1) I stopped calling or texting him at work. Before this I would just call to say hi or ask what he had for lunch etc. I stopped that. Pretty hard to do at first since it's been a habit of mine for the longest time. I realized that if I didn't call him he'd end up calling me instead..so I had to be really patient. And everytime he called I would hang up first
2) used to complain a lot about him not helping out with chores. Now I do it willingly and the funny thing is he has started helping out so much more. And I didn't have to ask him.
3) used to tell him every single detail of my day. Now I try to keep it a mystery and he ends up asking more. I try to keep details to minimum. I've always been an open book..haha
Doing the 180s, GAL, acting as if and stop pursuing has really helped me so far. I'm hoping that I'll be consistent with them.
One thing that has keeping me on track is to tell myself that I'm gonna take one day at a time. Forget about what's gonna happen in a months time, a years Time or in 5 years time. I just focus on making each day a good day for myself and for my kids. Sure there are days when I just feel like not getting out of the bed..but that's when the acting as if helps.
here's to a great day to everyone
Still have a loooong way to go though but I feel so much better as a person now. Used to blame myself for what happened in my M but I have learned to forgive myself and work at improving myself, one step at a time. Been reading all the other posts and it has given me so much encouragement to keep at it and that I'm not alone in this journey to be a better person.
Arleen,
Happy to hear you are making so much progress and maintaining your composure. It is all such a process.
BW05
Thanks BW05. After getting advice from all of you, I had to accept the fact that it's gonna take longer than I had initially hope it would. Really taking one day at a time and GAL. Feel so much better and in control of myself now.
How's things over at your end? Praying that everything's ok with you!
Sorry I'm still finding my way in this forum thingy so not sure if I've read your story BW05! Will look under newcomers lists.
when I first stumbled upon this website I was pretty much broken but didn't wanna give up on my marriage as yet. All the other websites were advicing to just movr on. But here its just amazing that I've gotten words of comfort, advice and encouragement half way across the world (I'm in South East Asia thus the odd hours when I post!) I'm so glad I found this place.
Hi how's everyone doing? Past 2 days have been pretty rough for me. Not if I'm depressed or its hormonal or because the impending D date is coming soon but on Monday went to work happy but by noon I decided to cancel all my meetings, go home and sleep till it was time to pick up kids from school.
Today I called in sick, sent kids to school in the morning and went home and continued sleeping from 10am to 3pm.
H is coming home late tonight. He has no idea I've been home sleeping all day. While on the way to pick up kids from school I cried.
Sigh. I hate living like this.
Monday morning mom called to find out how I'm doing. Told her H wanted to proceed with D but at the same time wants to give time to work it out. Mom didn't sound too happy. She thinks I haven't been doing any changes and keeps telling me that I'm the one to blame for what happened in my M. Me being the good daughter of course just kept quiet.
It's emotionally draining talking to her. Instead of her telling me that it'll be ok and that I'll be able to handle D and that she'll be around for me, I'm down that has to console her! She says I'm argumentative, opinionated and refuse to look at other people's point of view which is why my H wants the D.
I felt like saying, "yes mom. I learned it from you growing up." But of course I didn't. I'm so stressed right now
Arleen, so sorry to hear about that your mother is also causing you stress. She really should be supportive. Well done handling the conversation with H. It's very difficult to not have break downs,but we all do. I had one myself 2-3 weeks ago in from of W. Keep working om yourself. This is a long road.
Thanks so much for your encouragement Fogg. Really needed it. I hope you're keeping well.
So H came home from work and I sat down with him while he had dinner. Ofcourse I couldn't keep my mouth shut and asked if him if he'd consider not going on with D happening in 2 days time. What was I thinking! So angry at myself now. H just said he doesn't want to talk about it.
I'm hoping for a better day tmrw and I'm starting a 30 day plan to shut my mouth about discussing R starting tmrw! Gonna reward myself if I hit the 30 day mark. Haha sounds like something I did for my kids if they ate veggies/fruits each day and get a sticker on their reward chart.
I have such a hard time with just letting stuff come out of my mouth. After last R conversation, I vowed to STFU!! Takes a lot of self control for sure. Last night I almost brought up discrepancy with his last work trip. Luckily, I opted to bite my tongue. Resulted in a really good hour conversation we would not have had. Bringing up trip would not have gotten me anywhere accept for about 1/2 hr of feeling good?!
BW that's great! Yeah I seriously need to STFU more often. H working hours are crazy now..hardly comes home before 10pm. I don't know how he's gonna manage next week when he moves out of the house.
Broke down in the car on the way to work this morning. I have no idea how we're gonna tell the kids about our D. Anyone has any suggestions?
I'm thinking of just keeping quiet for now. We have MC scheduled this weekend. Part of me wants to just give up. But every time I think about kids I know the M is worth working on. I have seriously got to work on being more patient.
H keeps telling me kids will be alright. Seriously...who is he kidding?? Sometimes I can't believe how selfish he is for having all of us go through this s#$t!
I have thought about giving up as well, but as Zues said, going through D and the after affects will be just as hard as fighting for M, if not harder. Just try and spend 5 minutes a day with focusing of positive thoughts. Helps me stay focused and hopeful.
One of the reasons I think my M is where it is because lack of graditude. Both my H and I are guilty of this. Years ago, instead of focusing on what we had going for us in M and in our lives, we opted to focus on what was wrong. That lead to anger and resentment, which just kept building up each year. Hard to live from a place of love and forgiveness when that is the case. Thinking back to when my H was in school, there was so much to be thankful for, but instead I focused on things that were trivial in grand scheme of things. If only we could turn back time, but the silver lining is that in hindsight lessons have been learned. At least for me. My H, not so much since he is running from his issues. Feel sorry for him in that regard. Hoping he will come to senses at some point, but if not, at least I have used situation for my personal growth.
Thanks BW...I needed that. You're right, need to count my blessings and focus on the positive. And it's true, I think going through D would be harder but I guess H can't see it. Sigh. I'm letting go and letting God right now.
Must be hormones messing up with my emotions. I had such a good week last week, this week's been awful. I need to snap out of it soon.
I have to say the past 10 weeks have been pretty good and both H and I agree we're in a better place now. We can now have a decent conversation without both of us screaming at each other. It got to a point where the only time we communicate with each other is when we fight. And yeah I wish I could turn back time and changed how I reacted during those fights. And the irony of it all is that most of the time we don't even remember what we were fighting about. It's been so much better now... I'd hate to regress. Gotta kick start GAL-ing! Thanks for your support BW. Means a lot go me! I pray things are well with you too!
Right after BD, I actually said to my H that working our marriage would be easier, the right thing to do, gave stats on second marriage divorce rates, etc. He just got angry and it went in one ear and right out the other. He said he was not even thinking about divorce and afterwards, so why was I?
His point was that we already had time to work on it and nothing happened. Problem is his version of working on it was never going to help. I think we both thought it would miraculously change. The big barrier to all of this is A. That is what marriage really should look like 24/7, right??
I guess it's gonna take longer than most of us expected to get to R. I'm also trying to trust the process and it is true...it takes one to tango, in the beginning. We can only hope that our S will want to 'dance' with us eventually.
D day is today. I feel numb.
New to your sitch. What a day to catch up. I'm so sorry Arleen.
Anything I said to try to comfort you would just showcase how insufficient it would be and how primal and horrifying facing a loss like this is. For tonight know that we do understand your pain and are there with you. A moment of silence for Arleen's loss.
I look forward to hearing updates on your sitch and will post more once you get through tonight. Keep breathing.
Thank you Zues...means a lot to me. I'm done crying. Time to pick myself up and continue DBing. H moving out of the house over the weekend. We hv MC on Saturday so we're gonna ask what's the best way to break it to our kids.
Had a long talk with him, and I'm so glad he opened up. For years we haven't had a decent conversation without one of us storming away or screaming each other's head off. I was very angry at first..he said that I shouldn't see him as the enemy. That he still loves me and cares for me. I was taken aback by what he said. I was actually very upset that he didn't show any sign of being sad. I mean..we're talking about 13 years of marriage and we have 3 kids together! He told me that it doesn't mean that he doesn't show it means he's not grieving. He is an extremely reserved person. Very aloof kinda guy. Although these are qualities that attracted me to him at first, it was also the same qualities that sometimes drives me up the wall!
He told me he needs more time to make sure we don't go down the same ugly road again.
So I'll give him time. In the meantime I'm gonna focus on my kids and GAL. Time to close this chapter and open a new one...wish me luck!!!
Feeling down this morning. H moved out of the house on Sunday. I miss him. Went for MC. We've told the kids about D. S13 didn't take it too well. Planning to take kids to see our MC this weekend.
H says he needs time. I don't know how long I can wait. It's killing me inside. D11 cried before going to bed last night...says she misses the family being together in the same house. Had to reassure her that everything will be ok.
I'm wondering if I'm now in the Piecing stage?
11 weeks ago, H was adamant that D is the way to go.
After D became official last week, he now wants to work it out, but has not decided on timeline. He told me that he spoke to L to delay paperwork. However how it works here where I live, once D is official, either one of us has to move out from the house, so he has moved out over the weekend.
We've also agreed not to start dating anyone yet. So is this piecing? Don't know how we're gonna piece it when we only see each other max of 10 minutes so far for the past few days
I'm no vet but I wouldn't say its piecing yet. When I hear of someone in piecing its when both spouses have made a full commitment to rebuilding the marriage through words and actions. There seems to be some potentially promising things going on that may lead down that path, but give it some time and try not to develop too many expectations right now. Either way you have to be patient because you still have a long path ahead of you. Remember this is a marathon not a sprint, but you can do it.
Thank you for responding and your thoughts Fogg. Yup I don't think I'm quite in the Piecing stage yet. When I speak to him, he says he wants to work it out but never says what he's gonna do about it. He just tells me he needs more time. And when we go for MC, I get the feeling that he thinks all the problems in the M came from me. That he made so much sacrifice for the family and I don't show him respect etc. Makes me angry when I think about it.
Anyway, started off feeling down this morning but decided to turn it around by going to the gym, attended a class on something I've always wanted to learn but never got a chance to and met up with a friend for coffee. This GAL thing works. Not once did I feel the urge to call or text H.
I'm starting to think that I'll be fine with or without him. My only concern is the kids. They miss having their dad around.
Omg. Ex-H asked me out on a date this Saturday! He casually asked me..hey do u wanna go out this Saturday. I said sure. We can take the kids out for a movie. He said no just you and me. Should I be excited??
Maybe I shouldn't, cos 15 minutes after that he asked for my office address etc cos the L asked for it to finalize D paperwork.
I'm so confused. Help!
Why is he doing what he's doing? Is this normal or 'expected' behaviour of a WAH? Any thoughts from vets or anyone would be really appreciated!
Arleen, wow, that sounds super confusing. Just make sure you play it cool with no expectations. Will be interest to see advice from vets.
Hey BW. Good to hear from you! How was your trip to Dublin? Yup you're right...I was jumping with joy inside but I hope i didn't let it show...and yes..must have NO expectations!
Ok so maybe I'm over thinking it. But on hindsight, after reading other posts, I should've just declined right? Cos this is like a bait for me to continue pursuing?
But I'm also thinking perhaps this is his way of trying to make the R work cos I did mention in MC that we hardly ever go out as a couple since he always wants to go out with the kids as well..
Ok am I over thinking it??
Ok I need do's and don'ts when we go out tmrw. I don't wanna mess it up. I shouldn't bring up R talk right?
No, definitely don't bring up R. Let H take that initative. Just try to have nice, light evening together. Be strong and be friendly with no pressure.
I agree with BW, if he brings up R talk, you can go there, but just to validate. You can't put any pressure on him.
Make sure you look good (new clothes?) and smell good. Light, fun evening.
Good luck!
Thanks for the tips BW and Matt! Will keep them in mind. Gotta go thru the post on Validation one more time
Date night went well. Went to a fancy Italian restaurant which we've always wanted to try. Nice ambience and good food. Felt like the good old days when we first started dating. I was at my parent's so he came pick me up. Even held my hand while we were walking from the parking lot to the restaurant. Caught me by surprise, though I'm not sure if he did it out of habit since we've always held hands throughout our marriage. Complimented me, said I looked pretty and smelled good (I took your advice Matt!)
The rest of the night we mostly talked about kids, work, politics etc..just enjoying each other's company and didn't talk about R at all. I didn't feel like bringing it up, and wasn't waiting for him to bring it up either. I've gone a long way from 11 weeks ago. Couldn't STFU before this..but now I'm not so anxious about R anymore.
Later that night, he texted me to say he enjoyed my company and that we should do it again soon. I slept with a smile on my face that night! Such a different feeling from weeks back when I had trouble sleeping, and when I finally did fall asleep, would wake up sweating with heart palpitations. Not a nice feeling at all.
The next day, we took kids for C. The counsellor did a pretty good job 'extracting' info from kids about their feelings and thoughts on what was happening to the family and between mom and dad. They were pretty much confused cos they know that we're divorced yet we're still trying to work it out and dad is out of the house but we're still hanging out as a family. Can't blame them for being confused! Anyway at the end of it everyone had to rate how happy we were as a family and personally on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being thr happiest. I was pleasantly surprised that S13 had rated 8/10 for both personal and family happiness and D12 rated her happiness at 9/10 for both as well. They said they're happier now cos we're spending more time as a family and that mom and dad aren't fighting anymore. It would go up to 10/10 if mom and dad would get back together. I had put 8/10 as well. The only person who rated 6/10 was Ex-H. He says mainly cos he feels guilty for having to put the kids through this and for not spending enough time with us.
That was when I realized that probably exH had his own issues that he had to resolve himself. That most likely it didn't have anything to do with me or the M. Most likely going through MLC. He did mention again that he wanted to work things out but he needed space and time. I'm willing to give him that because I've come to a point that I've accepted the D...that life will go on and I can be patient. I just hope he comes around sooner than later.
Arleen - How are things going since your date>
Hi Matt...been busy with work and haven't had the chance to share anything here.
Things are looking up
I actually feel so much better about myself since BD about 12 weeks ago.
Ex-H is very nice now, almost feels like he's back to his old self with me. More affectionate and doing stuff around the house and we hang out with kids on weekends.
We still hv the same arrangements though. I stay in our house on weekdays and he gets to stay with kids on the weekends.
During our last MC he mentioned that he is more at ease with me and can open up more now. His complain before this was I'm always critical and too opinionated. However at the back of his mind he still can't shake the feeling that it's all a facade. That remark hurt at first but I had to validate what he was feeling and accept it. He says he still needs more space and time.
As for myself, I'm no longer in a rush for us to remarry or get back together. Taking it one day at a time still..but it's moving into the right direction.
oh we did have an argument 3 days ago. He was getting annoyed with kids and me over plans for dinner. We went into a shouting match but I didn't want to go down the old road where we would yell each other's head off infront of the kids so I told him I'll talk to him when we've both calmed down. Took awhile though..but it worked. The next day when we discussed what happened (which we never did before this...usually just sweep it under the carpet), he told me that that was what he was afraid would happen again if we got back together. Told him we can't expect our R to be perfect, at least now we know what to do and how to react.
so for now we're taking it real slow, I'm just glad we're moving towards the right direction.
How's it going over on your side?I do hope and pray you're keeping well!
Arleen
I am so happy to read your post. I am glad you were able to use your technique of when you are calmer we can talk about this later and actually resolve the issue.
Nice!
Heavy D - thank you for reading and for your encouragement!
It was NOT easy but it was so necessary.
Hi Arlene,
How are you doing? Please post so we can catch up on your sitch!
BW