Positive thoughts and positive things. New thread new life. Take care. Rd
Working and thinking about you RD, new thread new life...and old affairs...kkkkk
Pink
I hope your journey on this thread is a good one.
Ideally it will involve you breaking your cycle with your H and giving his influence over you the boot it deserves
Jim, that's the only way or the highway for me.
H did text last night: "Is there any chance we can talk on sunday night? And by the way, I need the tax return papers by then."
I did not answer yet, but I will say yes. This time I need to talk to him about the discounts I want in our house price. We set up the market price, but I want to negotiate with him the sale price.
I will give him a choice, if he agrees with what I am proposing him then we close the deal. If not, my L has a court order to get a professional to evaluate the sale price. It will be up to him to decide what he wants.
And, as hard as it can be, I won't continuous the cycle. I got it. Enabling this cycle is not DB at all. So, I will be pleasant, but distant. No hugs, no kisses and most important, no making love anymore.
He must realize I am moving on with my life and there is no more wife, best friend, or whatever for him.
Sometime in may we have a court date to review financial support and determined how much provision he will need to deposit for me and the kids until the D is final. These are temporary orders, the final orders will come when the D is done.
I asked this because it will give me some sense of independence from him. Will start separating my finances from his.
It may feel like I am at the top of the mountain. But the truth is that I feel very hopeless. The only thing that keeps me trying this M, is the fact that some people go through a lot of trouble for a long, long time, and somehow they save their family.
I don't know if it is my case anymore. H is very disconnected from his family. He is totally ignoring the kids and me. The way I see it, he is loving his single life, his new love, his new freedom. We were just rocks in his shoes and now that he got away from us, he can walk again.
It's sad. It hurts to think that someone that was sharing a life with you for 18 years, gave up on everything. We were just garbage for him.
But life goes on, and I need to face it and make the most for my kids and myself. Time does not stop and there is always tomorrow.
XOXO
Pink
Hey Pink
I'm pleased to hear you sounding strong and resolute. I'm quite sure your resolve is going to be tested some point soon.
Please don't feel hopeless though. I don't in any way see your H as striding happily away having removed those pesky rocks in the shoe - AKA family. I see him as lost and confused. That's very different indeed - and your sitch is by no means without hope.
Now then, how are you going to clearly state your boundary with H tomorrow when he breaks down, cries and tells you that you're the only woman in the world for him?
xx
Toots my sister,
H told the kids that he would spend some time with them this weekend. Now it's 4pm on saturday and the boys did text him to se if he would like to go to a movie with them.
H did not answer any of the boys. Did not contact anyone at all. So it is not about me anymore. He is hurting my kids, they are teenagers, that's when you need more support from your parents and he is not there for them in any way or form.
I am prepare to ask H to leave if he start this cheap game of crying and talking about our R. I will be polite and ask him to leave and tell him that we do not need this anymore, that we deserve respect.
It hurts, I know well how much. But it hurts more if I let him to continue this vicious cycle. H is in disregard of our feelings, our lives, and maybe he is sick or maybe it's his flaw character, I don't know which it is, I just know he has no right to use us this way anymore.
Yesterday, I was feeling very good without him here. Somehow things are changing inside me and I am losing the one of the main admiration I had for him... that he was a good father.
My kids and I are surviving and we are bonding together, like the kids say, we are a pack of wolves. Every decision, every meal, every outings we decide on a vote, we discuss what we want as a group. WE ARE A FAMILY!
I wish H could engage in this kind of life with us, but he made his choice and does not want us around anymore. So, it's time to let him go. He needs his freedom and his own life, that is the only thing that matters for him.
I am hopeless thinking that our M is done. I feel it's not only the old M, he is done with us all. In a way, it is feeling better, I know I need to rebuild my life, look for my own road now, together with my kids. I am growing independent again, the way I was when I met him. I know I am a strong, determined person and I like to live.
I know I will be OK without him. I always said that love is forever but does not need to be with only one person. This love is ending, maybe another one will come some time in the future.
I don't know anymore if I can love him the same way. I am losing all respect, tenderness for him. I feel disgusted.
By other hand I feel proud of myself, I am getting back to my roots and I am still the person I always loved. I have been told lately by many people that I look good, that I am another person, that I look very happy.
Maybe, that is what I need, to be far away from this man and have a life I deserve.
But, be sure and reassured that tomorrow, H will get my cold shoulder and if he start the bull, I will ask him to leave for good. No more dependency, I am a big girl, I do not need him.
Hope you are getting yourself some peaceful time honey. I love you with all my heart and I am praying for the best in your life.
XOXO
Pink
Hi Pink. Great to read about you and your boys. They are very fortunate to have a mother like you. Even if you could be strong tomorrow and see how you feel. At this stage your H needs to stop the words and show what he really wants with actions Whatever your H feels about Pink his children deserve much better and your H is not treating them with the respect they deserve
Sending you positive thoughts for tomorrow Pink. You can do this. Pink can do anything she sets her heart on. H is now a good neighbour until H stops being a WAS.
take care Pink and keep us updated. Rd. Xxxx
Pink
Love is abundance, you can love this WH without wanting to be with him. Trust and love are entirely separate things.
The difficulty is I think you are saying that your WH is losing your respect and trust in the areas you thought he was reliable as a dad. If WH is true to form then he will be saying pity me Pink, I am crying, please go another round of pain, problem is this involves the kids this time.
Hand him a tissue and say nothing then walk away with your dark sunglasses on.
When he is ready to commit to you fully and give up TauC then different matter I suspect.
V
Hi all... I am super busy at work today, have lots of gossip to tell you all about H's visit yesterday. Will post it later.
But, just a quick note... I STOOD STRONG, DID NOT GIVE IN... NO HUGS, NO KISSES AND NOT MAKING LOVE... I did it, I finally stood for myself. I am happy for what I did.
Later
Pink
Hello lovely Pink. Looking forward to catching up on the news. I'm so glad you stood your ground - and that you feel good having done that - Go Pink!!
xx
Good Job!! Remember he is not the man you married. Step back and look at him is he the way he is now the person you would want to spend the rest of your life with? Lots of times I think we get so wrapped up in the memories of what they were and no what they are. Would you marry him as he is now?
Good Job Pink! Looking forward to details.
I am also waiting for Pink to spill the beans..x
Hi Pink. What's happening in Colorado? I hope all is well. Looking forward to hearing the latest news.
Take care. Rd. xx
Sorry my dearest friends, I am so, so busy that I feel good not being married these days. Work has picked up and I have been putting a few extra hours every day.
Have a lot of extra stuff to do and my social life is pretty busy lately. In between kids, friends, class, work, dancing, gym, etc. there is no time for any H in my life.
So, my crying baby H knocked the door at 4pm - came in, a little hug (friendly), no kisses. He was limping and told me that he hit a tree during the time he was snowboarding. H was looking down, very depressed, he looks older every time I see him.
I asked if he was tired and he said he was not so tired. Then he sat there, looking at me doing my stuff. He asked how I was doing and I said I was doing fine. I asked how he was doing and he said that he does not know much.
So he start with the tears, then I asked him what was going on. He said that it is very difficult. He said that some days are not so bad but some other days are horrible. I waited a little then I asked him why he is so unhappy all the time, that he is doing what he wants, that he is free and no one is bothering him.
He said that he does not know and that is what he is trying to figure it out lately. He said that part of him is confused and part of him feels that he is doing the right thing. That he took my decision and now I need to live with it.
Then I said that would be better if he does not cry anymore, that it is not good for me, for the kids and not even for himself. I said that if coming to the house remind him of such unhappy time in in life and he feels very depressed, that he could leave the tax prep to me and would do it and then he could just leave the house.
The I did not stop and said that if he would prefer I could leave the house and only come back when he was gone, so he wouldn't be reminded of the many years of unhappiness that is written on my front head.
He stood up and said that I was understanding everything wrong and that he did not feel this way at all. That things are very different inside him. That the reason he feels bad is because he miss me, he misses his kids, misses his family, his house. That there is not even a day go by that he does not think about us, about me, then he went to the restroom to cry for awhile. I did not go after him at all.
So, I just stood there, didn't say anything. Didn't even know what to say. He does not want me, but misses me?
Then I left, went to the garage, H was after me. Stood there and start telling me about one of our friend that got divorced about 3 years ago. This guy's wife cheated on him, left him heart broken and now she is back. He still loves her and they start dating, then they decided to go to MC to give it another try.
H told me all this and then asked my opinion about it. I said that it's nice they are giving another opportunity. H said that our friend's heart was really broken when the W had the affair and left and it will take a lot of work to heal the R, and then asked me what I think about. I said that people change, things happen and we are forced to change. We lose our innocence and some things will be there, just that, we learn.
Got back inside the house and said to H that while he was doing the taxes that I would go to the supermarket to get some propane, H started helping me and came to the door. I asked if he was going to the super and he said that if I did not have any issue against it that he would like.
We went and he was ho helpful the entire time. It was the H I wanted my whole marriage, it was so nice. But I kept my cool.
Back home and he helped with the groceries. We were putting things away and he tried to hug me. I said no and did a few steps back, he tried again and I said no, not for us anymore. You have people to hug, you won't hug me. He said OK, you know I will always respect you.
Need to go again, will be back soon.
Pink
Then he finally started doing taxes. Calling me to check on some things. Always saying "You can came here and see". I said that it was OK, I knew he was doing it right, and that it would be OK. I did not want to get close to him in any way, so I avoided any paper checking.
I made dinner, called everyone including him, we had dinner together and he was quiet, he thanked me for dinner and said that the food was amazing delicious as always. He then sat on the cough and start observing us, talking, laughing, the boys were telling about the movie they watched on saturday. He was there, looking at us, the outsider.
The kids helped to clean up and left. H finished the taxes. He was still down. I said to him that next time he came to the house that he can maybe try a smile for a change. He said that he is not always so sad, that sometimes he is OK. Then he said: I don't know, I have a person that I care in one country and my kids here.
So, great, I heard that. And that is when you just realize that it is all about him, OW and maybe the kids. Not me, not at all me.
I got a cup of coffee and went outside, then in two minutes H was there. He start saying that he has a few friends and that they do not understand him very well. That sometimes he catch himself wondering, looking at the walls. Then he said: You understand what I mean. You understand me. He said it is difficult for him to know what is going on with him and that he just stare at walls.
I said to him that maybe he needs to get some help. That I did for myself and I am feeling better. That I start understanding a lot of things on myself. That I felt like going back and being myself again, that I lost my identity and that I am becoming the person I was long ago. That I am a strong person, I love myself and I don't take crap from no one. He said that it is. That's who I was and I was not being myself for a long time.
It was getting late, almost midnight. He start getting ready to leave because he was going to Texas the next morning. I asked him then, if he could spend some time with the kids, because he has been very absent. That I was looking forward for some time on my own and asked if he could stay with the kids next weekend and he said yes. I told him I will leave saturday and come back on sunday and he said I do not need to do that. That I can come back around midnight and he can leave or sleep on the cough. I said no, I will just go and spend some time with my friends, he insisted I could come back earlier and then I did not say more.
So, I don't know, H won't commit to anything. He is in a R with his OW and enjoying it. He is just breaking away from many years in a M, that all. I still feel he loves me. The way he looks at me, the way he treats me and talk to me. But he doesn't want to be with me. He is there, if the opportunity presents itself, then he will be there, but he is not trying.
I just wish to detach and don't feel anything for him anymore. I am tired of this pain. It's hard that now he treats me the way it always should be in the first place. Now, that he has someone else in his life.
What do you think?
Pink
Hi Pink. I think you have said it In your last paragraph. While he is with OW you have to carry on and go back to being the passionate , fun loving , caring , dancing , Pink that any man would love to have in their life. You and your boys have had to deal with a massive upset in your lives but you are dealing with it. Life will go on and Pink will live that life to the full
Your H seems to be in the affair fog big time but you showed great strength with how you dealt with H Carry on like this Pink and H will stsrt to realise that he could lose Pink for good and that might clear the fog for him
I'm really pleased for you , you showed great strength and courage. Well done Pink
Take care. Rd xxx
He seems to be in a really weird place.
Hi RD,
I am struggling now. I really need some time to calm down and reassess my life. But, in the same time I don't want to stop the going and be depressed. I have my faith that is making miracles in me. It keeps my hope for the next day, and that's the way life has been. The next day needs to be OK.
I don't know how to understand my H messages. I wish it is positive, but deep inside I know he is with the OW and that this is the truth I live now.
I can't pretend things will be OK with us, that there is any hope we will get back together and be happy one day. All what I see now is that he is planning his life without me. He also struggles but because he is thinking only about himself.
I said with all words that he needs to contact his kids, that they are hurt and that he will lose their love. He was gone to Texas this whole week and did not sent anything. Not even a HI,how are you?.
He is very selfish and it hurts everyone. I feel sorry for him, he looks terrible, depressed...but by other hand, he knows how to get a phone and plan his next trip to France.
I really don't know what to feel anymore. I would say I am lost, and maybe it is better. I can do my best escaping from him and this way I will detach.
Like we say in Brasil: I will run from him as the devil runs from the cross.
My life is not a mess, but I am in a D process. Eventually time will come and we will sign the papers and it will all be done for good. My M is over and I need to face it.
Pink
Hi lovely Pink....
Well, firstly I would love to say a big well done to you. Based on what you describe, your H was about to instigate another loop around the loop, and you headed him off at the pass. That protects you, and it also clearly shows him how your R will become if he carries on this path.
He doesn't sound or look happy. He misses you and the kids. He has feelings for OW and doesn't want to let that go. But if he keeps on with that he will lose you, and possibly lose contact with his kids. He's between a rock and a hard place and he doesn't know what to do.
I still think he is exibiting lots of signs of MLC, and I empathise with him for that. In a dark tunnel is not a nice place to be. Even though we are on the outside and can see that he has options - he can't see a positive way forward himself. I think the best you can do for now is listen, validate, maintain your boundaries and move forward with the business of D. I believe your H still loves you Pink, and I suspect he will 'wake up' at some point. Whether that will be soon - who knows. But I do think not behaving in a 'wifely' way (ie: not ML, or letting him bake bread in the kitchen and so on) may help him see just what he is going to lose.
I think having OW abroad is a downside in terms of timescales. The less they see of each other, the longer the 'fantasy' element may remain. But he must be thinking - how is this going to work? I'm in the US and have four kids. She is in Europe and has one. It's all pretty impossible.
So, I think you did a good job. The only comment I would have is the part where he said you didn't understand. It may be best to just listen and validate. No more than that. No need to offer suggestions on what he may or may not do. You could always just say the usual stuff - yes, it must be hard. This isn't an easy time for any of us. But we'll get through it.
It will be interesting to see if he steps up to the plate with the kids too. You are doing so well Pink - even though it is tough I know. You (we!) will come out of the other side of this and will be wiser and hopefully happier as a result.
Have a good weekend my friend xx
Hello my DB Sister,
Having a lovely London weather since yesterday. In Colorado we do not see much rain and it is raining for the 2nd day and I love it. Love the gray raining days. I gives me a lot of energy.
Your words are wise Toots, I think the tunnel my H is now has no light and he is pretty blind right now. His depression is obvious and his thinking if very fog.
At first I tough that he was being so gentle and nice because of the whole D ordeal. Well, he understood I am not going to back off and will continue the process.
Secondly I tough he was in the process of separating his feelings from us, but it has been quite a long time into this and he is becoming even more caring. He always make sure to mention that he didn't do enough, did not treat me well, and so on.
Third, he has been curious, he thinks that there is someone. He is not sure but feels I am too happy, like it is something he was not expecting to see. He looks at me with a question mark in his face, like he is trying to translate all what I say or do.
My H could easily take another direction and do not care at all, but he does. H could be cold and to the point and move on as he said he would, but he is running away, not moving on. H could determined what is important for him and do all the things he needs to do to be in a better place in his life, but he is choosing to punish himself in a way.
He is lonely, even tough he has OW. I always feel that he is DBing me. For some reasons I can't really explain I always feel like he is reading the book and doing all what is in there. Many times when he is talking and telling his feelings, I feel like he is saying: "Please, fight for me, I need to feel loved, important".
But, it is just a gut feeling I have, and I know it will just make matters worse. He will be back today, said that he will pick up the kids from school this afternoon.
We talked about tomorrow, that he would be coming to the house to spend some time with the kids and even sleep here. I would be going out and coming back on sunday, when he will be gone to a three weeks trip to Latin America. I don't know if it will happen, I am not sure if I should contact him and follow through with it, I don't want to talk to him.
I have been feeling good on my own. I have been enjoying this time by myself. As I said, I have been very busy and really don't have much time for a H in my life.
I also think that he is not very attractive right now. So messed up, depressed, confused and a crying baby. I do not need a man like this. I need someone that has a life, that is positive, that can play and laugh. H was never much of a euphoric man, he was always very serious and reserved, but now he is tormented and sad.
Well, now I can see when people say that it is not very attractive to be sad and crying all the time and that your spouse will not be attracted to you. It really makes a difference.
Well, I need to get ready to go to my Parenting class ordered by the court. It is a three hour class for people that are going through divorce. I do not know if H did his already, but it is not my business, if he didn't, it is better for me.
Love your words as always Toots, thanks for being there for me.
Love,
Pink
So my Parenting Class is concluded and I gave the Certificate to my Attorney already.
The class is mainly about the kids but it include how the parents are behaving during the D process. There was a lot of subjects that we read on these boards. Amazing, lots of domestic violence, emotional and physical abuse.
Sitting there and hearing all what some people are going through I realize how lucky I am that there is none of those in my life. D is painful as it is, I can't even think how much torture it can be if there is violence or abuse, or both.
I feel good today, maybe it is the rain, lots of it. But I feel that some days I let go on my sitch more then others. So, I think I am just average, and will be in a better place more frequently as time goes by.
Part of me is realizing that life goes on and I need to make the most of the years I have left and it for sure is maybe 20% or 30% left at this point. So why waste it all crying for someone that does not love you anymore, does not care enough for you.
Next in my D list is to get to some agreement on the marital home price so I can pay my H's 50% to him. I will keep the house but I want some discount on it as a sale price. I am bargaining the price with him, and it seems that he is not up to the fight and will agree with my price if it is reasonable. We will see.
I also will see if H will contact to make arrangements to come to the house tomorrow night so I can go out. I am really not planning on any GAL, I want to stay alone, quite, and rest a little bit.
I am always on the go mode and I feel tired now. I wish to just lay down and do not do anything or think about anyone.
But, H will never know about this, as far as he knows I will be going out with friends. It's like... I am going out w/someone, somewhere, for sometime. No details, no explanations, my life is mine alone and he is not part of it anymore...by his choice by the way.
Hope everyone is doing good!
Love,
Pink
Sounding strong Pink. While you are continuing with D please remember that your H is now starting to feel the loss and it's all becoming real for him I would hope Pink will allow herself the time to step back from her sitch and take stock.
Your M is only over when you decide it is. I agree you have to carry o.n with your own life but your H does not appear to be thinking clearly and is still very much in the fog.
You will come through this Pink and be happy again. Take care Rd xx
well if you like the rain then you defintely will like moving to London!!! (the UK is an excellent country to live in by the way)
I'm really pleased you stood strong in the face of another of your H's loops. Its good you did and you did it well.
Then he said: I don't know, I have a person that I care in one country and my kids here.
This must have been really hard to hear and personally i think is pretty awful of your H to be crying in your house about how sad he is and then say something like that. He's made his choices, he walked away from his kids and his amazing wife. He needs to either put on his big boy pants and live with it or realise he's an idiot, swallow his pride and start doing the work he needs to try and earn another chance with you.
You need to make the best of your life and even if it doesnt always feel like it then the loss is most definitely your H's
((((Pink))))
It may feel like I am at the top of the mountain. But the truth is that I feel very hopeless. The only thing that keeps me trying this M, is the fact that some people go through a lot of trouble for a long, long time, and somehow they save their family.
This is very powerful to me Pink. It is true, that for some the time and despair results in restoration. I hope for that. What I need to learn is that it can happen and really only truly does if I don't take the behaviour lying down. Thanks for sharing!
I will pray for all of us. I will pray for the restoration of our families.
Life really doesn't have to be this complicated does it? It is short and we are only on this Earth for such a short time. it's such a shame there is so much pain and selfishness.
I hope God forgives us all.
My dearest Pink
Let us see what love is, what H and those in an A fail to understand. These are things that Pink understands.
Love is from our higher power and it is channelled through us
The A partner is not the 'one' , it is a fantasy
They chose OP to feel less alone but an A is a lonely place
Niceness, good looks are confused with romantic love
Once in the A they can't get out, they have jumped ship and its hard to accept a mistake
There are promises and sex but promises unfulfilled like living on ice cream
Their own desire forces an A for a while
The A partner expresses interest but tires
There is blind love an R which starts unhealthily and dies of sickness
They believe the A partner will behave decently even if they themselves are cheaters
Sex is mistaken for love
They stay in the A to save face
They hide their feelings and sadness from their A partner because of fear and they are inauthentic
They believe the A partner's lies even if they know the truth
They can not face the pain they cause
They want to keep their options open and eat cake
They do not accept responsibility but feel sorry for themselves for their dilemma
Dear Pink, you are between choices, learning about yourself, your role as mom and wife, about what you can do, who you are and making tough choices.
I am glad you let H feel his pain, did not comfort him with your love and body. These issues age these Hs and like my H become unattractive, aged and weary. Pink will be renewed. She lives in higher power with the love of herself, her God and her children. Pink is falling in love with herself. Dignity and self respect for Pink.
Whilst H is getting caught, lying and resisting. An A ultimately is as unsatisfying as a cold cup of coffee, the aroma of the Java is attractive and the coffee swirls with froth but the coffee grounds are unappealing and need discarding. That will be all that remains.
V
Hi Skhdive,
Thanks for stopping by. I am trying my best and somehow it's working for me. I keep rescuing myself from many years of giving my life to my family, my M.
I know better now that I need to be responsible for my own happiness and have my own space to deal with my needs as a human being. I was so involved with everyone's troubles and needs that I neglect myself for too long and became a bitter person with no vision for fun, happiness.
Today, after going through so much pain, I feel life is becoming more real, I am slowly going back to who I was and I am in love with it. I know it will be better as time goes by, but I am happy with my progress and I think I am in the right direction.
As much as I wish to reconcile with my H, I am basically preparing myself for my life alone, it's was scary at first, but I believe I can handle it one day at a time for now.
Thanks again. Hope you are too getting yourself in a better place.
XOXO
Pink
PureHrt, Mahhhty, Depress and Heavy D thanks for the support. I am getting stronger every day because of this board. You all have kind words and care so much, it makes me feel better.
Thanks so much for caring.
Pink
Hi Jim,
Great input my friend. It's was really awful to hear those words. He also shared that it bothers him that she does not believe in God. Also told me that she told him she is house separation with her H and has an 8 year old son. So, it's all awful, and it makes life a hell.
I never said a word about her, it's really not my business and I do not need the aggravation.
It's hard to think that our lives got to this point and that is what is left from our M. But I better face reality then continue in this nightmare.
We will see what happens next, but for awhile I need to concentrate in my life and my priorities, including a series of school classes to get my Orthotic Certificates.
Jim, sometimes it is even harder to think that I saw my H leaving a hotel with the OW. It's so hard when I start thinking that he kisses, hug and make love to her. Talking about awful! It's the most painful thing in the world. But it is also the one thing that is helping me to detach, to let go.
I don't know what is going to happen in the future, but for now he wants to be with OW, he is determined to D. In the same time he is depressed, sad and says he is confused. He shows me a lot of caring, our R is a lot better now then it has been in the last few years. So I don't know where it will all go. I believe we will D eventually, but he also said that D is just a piece of paper and what really counts is his feelings.
I will continue my journey and take this time to develop myself, became a better person, live some things I forgot.
Happy about your last events with your W. It's so crazy, things can change so fast. Hope will be improvement.
XOXO
Pink
My sunshine Nilla,
You are an amazing woman, love you with my heart. I agree with all your statements about the A and how it involves a person.
I think sometimes that my H's least issues is this OW. She is pretty much what I was when he met me. I had my son, was alone, working full time, living in another country, I even smoked. All the same with this OW. So, it makes me think that he is repeating the story. There should be a reason for this, I do not believe it is just coincidence.
My H has a lot of problems from his childhood, he was abandoned and betrayed too many times. His life story is very sad, very lonely, very painful. He is too mixed up, and his confusion is obvious even if he does not say a thing.
To tell the truth I hope H will find happiness even if it is not beside me. He is my children's father and I wish him the best. I know there will always be a part of me that will love him forever, somewhere in my heart there will be a little box with his name on it.
H wrote tonight asking what time I want him to come to the house tomorrow. He is supposed to come and stay over night so I can go out with my friends. Not really, I want to have some time alone for a change. H does not need to know what I am doing.
I think it will be good for us. That he will see I am moving on too and does not have any hope for his return anymore. I said all what I need him to know already. He did not changed his mind, then I have non other choice but accept my fate.
Let's see where life will take me, for now H needs to see that I am done, I want it no more. It will be hard to do, but I start on this road and will keep walking my path.
V, thanks so much for your words, it always makes me think a lot. It question, gives me new perspectives, hope, direction, ideas, strength... thanks for helping me.
*** Today, during the parenting class, I met some women that have been victims of domestic violence, abuse. It was shocking, sadness invade the room when they told us a little bit what they are enduring. I felt the pain in each word they said.
Hope V is being her best friend and keeping the peace in and out herself.
Love,
Pink
Pink
Pink it's called a cloned r!
Do you really think your h treats her any better?
My h has a cloned r, people describe the ow as manly looking but nice, real nice supposedly. She has my hobby, I suspect one child like me. Works and is independant.
He is now taking her on a trip for 4 weeks caravan trip with his s25 and his sexual preditor cousin!
Wow I'm devastated that's not me!
that will super doper awesome fun. Not!
Don't think their r is all sunshine puppies and unicorns f@rting rainbow dust of happiness.
Step right back don't feed cake and watch it burn...... Baby burn it will.
Funny how that happens?
A repeat of the old switch. Well not for Pink, my darling Pink I hope will visit us in London very soon.
V
Hi Pink. What's the news. How you and the boys doing ?
I will pray for all of us. I will pray for the restoration of our families.
Life really doesn't have to be this complicated does it? It is short and we are only on this Earth for such a short time. it's such a shame there is so much pain and selfishness.
I hope God forgives us all.
I feel that way all the time.
It is such a waste of time when we could be working together (H and I) to make the world a better place.
I'm an impatient person to begin with. I have seen people die that wanted to live. I don't want to spend my life wasting any precious moments.
How can I get him to see this?
Hi All,
Lots has happened. So H came back from a trip on friday afternoon, pick up the boys from school and later did text me asking what time he could come to the house on saturday.
I answered asking him if he would stay over night and if so, I would make plans to leave and be back on sunday morning. H answer on saturday morning that he would stay until evening and sleep at his place. Then I tough, Oh well, my plans did not work.
I did text him back saying he could come at any time, he answer he would be at the house by 3:30pm. The boys were eating a nice and health brunch and then he arrived at 1:30pm. Ok. He sat and start eating too. OK.
I said Hi and continue cleaning my kitchen, he came from behind and hugged me and gave me a kiss on my cheek. Then I asked him if he could leave the truck with me since he will be out for three weeks and he said that he was thinking about this and was planning to arrange the shuttle to pick him up at the house on sunday morning.
Then I said how it would be if he said he wouldn't spend the night? He explained that he is Ok spending the night but he understood my text was saying for him not to stay. I then read the text to him and asked what was there not to understand?
He said that maybe he didn't read it well. Well, it seems to me that he did it so I wouldn't make plans in not going anywhere.
I was polite but cold, disconnected. I went outside and he came and asked if he could talk to me. He then start the same old, that he loves me and it's being very hard this whole divorce. I said that I am getting more real now, that things are finally getting to the truth of what is happening and that I am accepting that I need to move on with my life.
He said that I am an amazing person and that he is the luckiest man in the world for marring a wonderful person like me.
I then asked if he did his parenting class and he said no, he asked when it was due and I said that it is due to have the certificate of completion in the court by 4/20. He got all nervous and said that he will have a lot of problems with this and that he does not have me there to remind him of the important dates. Yes H, no more private secretary.
H kept talking about our R, how I did not love him for over 5 years and that I did not care if he was there or not. He said he felt bad because he saw me so unhappy and he couldn't make me happy anymore. That his life is still a mess because he feels he failed me, that he was never a good h for me. Blah,blah, blah.
I told him I was very sorry he was feeling that way and that I was unhappy some times. I had many other problems that were not related to him too. Then I said that It is what it is and that I am ready to look forward and do the best what I can with what I have now. That I will give myself a chance to be happy again, meet other people, date someone, look for my life somewhere else. I told him I will be OK.
He said that he feels I am unhappy and I said that he feels this way because I don't need to show anything to him, that I need to be polite because he is the father of my children, but I do not need to chat with him like we are best buddies, neither I want. I want to have my life and does not need to include him in any of what I do or feel.
I was putting my shoes on and H came again talking about our R. Then I lost it and said that I really need to look at the truth and I do not want to keep playing this dirty games anymore. I said that I saw him with OW and that he is in a R with her and that he made his choices.
I said that love is a choice and he chose do not love me anymore. Said that I do not want the D, I do not want to destroy my family and my M but that does not change anything. He decided my fate and I will finally embrace it. I said that I would like that we had fought for our M but we did not. I said that I was there for the good or bad, health or sick, that I made that promise long time ago and that for all these years I have been an honest person even when it was hell.
That I have been beside him when things where not exactly good, hanging in there during the whole time he was rushing his masters, when people where sick, all the times that he was traveling and I was left by myself to take care after everything including raising three children.
That if everyone would give up every time there was tough situations, then the world would be finished by now. I said I am done, I had enough of this whole dirt world that he brings me and that I do not want him this way, that he can go ahead and have his life and that I am a person that has value and I will give myself the space to rebuild my life with the value I know.
That he did not find me in a trash and that I know who I am and does not need anyone to tell me anything anymore, I am a big girl that never took crap for a change.
He said that he is confused, that he is still trying to figure it out if our M can work, if he can give it another try. I said that this is his problem and his problem alone and I do not need, can or even want to resolve it. That he needs to deal with his own life and I will deal with my.
He came and put his knees on the floor and said that he does not know what to do next, that he is trying to resolve the whole mess he built to himself. And I said that I was sorry he needs to go through it but it is indeed not my problem anymore. That I had enough and I want to move on now.
I then left to a friend's house and he left for the supermarket to get stuff to make dinner. When I came back, H was preparing dinner and great me with a big smile, talking like we are all a happy family. I gave him the cold talk, not much interested in what he was doing. He then asked me to get some pasta and soda at the supermarket. I left again and took a long time out.
When I came back H asked me if I would have dinner with them and I said that I had other plans but thanked him for asking. They start dinner and I went upstairs to get ready.
When I came into the kitchen he looked at me and said that I was so beautiful. I thanked him and he asked me if I saw the rose he bought for me and was on the table. I said that I did not know the flower was for me and that I tough he just decorate the dinner table. He then said that he knows I like one rose alone and that he wants to give me flowers because he does not know when I will get flowers from someone else. I replay that, yes maybe sometime I will.
H did everything in his power to delay me, he even asked the kids to leave with my car to get some rental game. He served me some dinner, he came to hug me and I moved away from him, he sat to talk to me and say again and again what a beautiful woman I am, that age does not seem to affect me.
Then I was singing a song and he said that in his way from the airport to the parking lot he heard this christian song on the shuttle radio and that he wrote a text to me and then deleted the whole thing because I wouldn't care about his stupidity. I said that he could send the message, that I love this song and that it is my Divorce song. It makes me hopeful for my future and strong as a person.
I sang the song for him. He sat there looking at me and I was standing singing the song. He said he will never find anyone so beautiful and so caring in his lifetime.
So we had all this. I feel we still have a chance. But there are no promises. And as much as he tells me all this nice words, he is not showing with actions.
Or maybe he is, just not the right actions to make our R to work. He did everything to please me, he was extra nice and treated me like a princess. He did all he could to mess up my plans to leave on saturday.
But eventually I left, I went to a friend's house were he would not find me. I did not came back. H left for the airport on sunday morning and I was not back.
I got a message from his yesterday afternoon saying: Pink, I am sorry I was not able to clean everything before I left.I will make sure to have more time next time. I hope your night was OK. Tchau.
So, I did it, was strong, set the boundaries and respected them. Was polite but cold and distant. It was very hard, but I decide to act as if, did my 180s big time. I don't know if it will work or not, but it will help me to detach (hope so). H for sure is seeing a different Pink.
What do you think? Do you think I have a chance?
Sorry for the long journal. I like to write.
Love,
Pink
Oh, Pink.
I am so sorry how hard this must be.
Was it clear to him that there is a chance if OW is gone and he seriously works to regain your trust? I read that you just told him you were done and had no hope and wanted to move on.
Did I miss it, the sign you gave him of possibility if he were to work for you?
Hi Pink,
At what point am I allowed to start using words to describe your H that goes beyond 'fool' because when i read your updates he is so far past that, 'fool' is now just an optimistic memory.
I think you are showing more and more strength each time you post and to me it looks like your H sees that and is trying every trick in the book. But to me thats what it is at the moment - Tricks.
He still has TauC and has said some awful things to you.
Unless/until he is prepared to really commit and do what he needs to in order to earn another chance with you then he should stop whining to you about how sad he is. This is one of those occassions i would say he really needs to man-up (and i usually despise that phrase). Its his choices so he better be prepared to live with the consequences.
He knows you dont want this and surely must know what it would take to fix things but for whatever reason isn't.
You've been showing tremendous strength in the face of your H and you need to keep doing that. to show him what a good thing he has thrown away and let him feel the loss.
You might want to take a cue from HP's thread and the next time just respond with an incredulous 'Really...?'
For what its worth i do think there is still a chance but your H has a lot of work to do and in my humble opinion i think it is only really, truly feeling the loss of you and his children that will motivate him to do that work.
and by that time YOU might have decided its too late
(((Pink)))
What do you think? Do you think I have a chance?
You have a chance until YOU decide that YOU don't.
It always is and always will be YOUR decision!
Hi Zelda,
I really told him this time, with all the words, what I don't want, what I think is enough for he is the one that need to work his problems not me anymore.
But I also told him very clearly that I do not want the divorce, that I put the papers just for my own financial security, that I do not want to destroy my M and my Family.
That I wish things are different and that he would choose to work on our M, but it is not my reality and I am tired of lying to myself. I said to him that love is a choice and that he is choosing to give up, leave me and his family and that will respect his choices then.
I told him I am not going to be all depressed and hang myself in the garage, or take a bunch of pills. I told him I want to live well and many years, that I have my kids and a lot of fun ahead of me.
I said that I want to be kissed, hugged, make love and be loved again. And if it is with him, then we can put the work and if not then be it.
He insisted that it is not easy for him and that he is very confused and that he loves me a lot more then I can think. And then I said to him that people that love me this way, I want to put them all inside a trash bag, close it and leave it behind me because I do not need this kind of love that just hurts me over and over.
I told him that the only thing that bothers me the most is that we did not try harder, but I understand that every person has a different value of what a M and Family means to them.
I said that I was beside him for many good stuff, but also for a lot of bad ones. I reminded him many things I did to make his life easier and what I got from it.
He said all what I said is true and that he knows he made many mistakes and took me for granted. I said to him that it is done, we can't change the past, we can only learn from it and move forward.
H said he is confused and thinks every day about us, our M, that he is still thinking if our M can work again, if it is possible to try again and see what happens.
I told him that this is his problem, and his problem alone, he needs to deal with what he wants or don't and I will take care after my own life.
He knows the door is open, he knows I don't know until when, he knows I am determined to let other people into my life... so it is up to him now.
Thanks for helping me.
Pink
Hi Pink. Wow. That was some day. You were perfect and there was nothing more you could do. I think there is plenty of hope because your H can now see what he could lose. As Jim said , fool, is too soft but it seems to me like he's in the fog still.
You are on the right path. Whatever you decided in the future , the path forward is Pinks path.
You showed strength and coolness is a very tough situation. The real Pink is returning and she's shiwing H that she can be without him.
Well done Pink Life will be very good for you. Take care. Rd. xx
Hi Jim,
You are a 100% right. Yes, he is a fool. I am somewhat tired of the whole I love you bulls***. You say I have more and more strength, but I am getting to the conclusion that we are the strong ones, the determined people, the good ones, the ones that fight for what they want.
The week ones jump to another wagon. They do not fight, they do not face their problems and instead they blame other people for the gaps in their souls.
That's why they cheat, that's why they give up. Because they don't have the courage or the capacity to face life and do all what it takes to be happy. They are always looking for somebody to do the heavy lift for them.
I am saying all this for my H because it is the truth in my heart right now. But, I am also tired of all this, and I am more offended now then before about his whole betrayal.
I am losing the admiration and that is very important for me regarding a man. Yes, and I agree with you that my H needs to man-up. I tough about this many times before. Unfortunately he thinks that man-up means to meet his A in some hotel.
I told him my door is open now, but I don't know if it will be open forever. I am starting to enjoy my life alone, I am thinking it has a lot ahead of me and that I can do it without him to bother me.
I really want to be free again and whatever the hell I want to.
I will see where my path is taking me.
Love,
Pink
Thank you for posting this all pink! I have been reading your posts since I got here, right around the time you discovered the PA and you are miraculous! Seeing you grow and grow.
(((Pink)))
Pink, your thread has been busy today my lovely DB friend..
You ask is there hope, and others have already answered. I think there is always hope. Even in those sitches where WAS just walks away and doesn't give any indication of any love or hope. Things turn and minds get changed.
As for your H, he has great times/awful times M with lovely Pink. He doesn't know if things can be repaired. Can he go back to feeling like that? But he loves Pink too. Thinks she is beautiful, hugs her, kisses her cheek, buys her a single rose, and tells her that's what it is when she doesn't notice....
For sure, he is not without feelings for you. But then there's TauC - and she makes him feel just great when they are together. It is fantasy land. She is on another continent, living with someone else...or separated...we're not sure....and has a young child. What does he do?
He is torn one way and then the other. One day, he sees how much he loves Pink. Then another, it all just seems too hard. And time with OW is easy - not all complicated like M...
I think that is where he is Pink. And I agree with others that the more he can see you moving forwards, The more likely he is to make a decision. If you had continued to loop the loop with him, I think you would remain in a 'triangle' situation, with little motivation for him to change.
Remember that your changed approach has only recently started, so have some patience lovely Pink, and enjoy doing some nice things whilst he is away. Stay dark and focus on the many joyful things in your life. Your H will do what he will when he will, and this is why it is important for you to stay detached. Not cold - but busy, breezy, happy and living your life well without him.
Take care Pink xx
Hi GG,
I will let it stink that's for sure. H won't learn anything if he does not suffer. So, I am in a mood to let him grow up at his own speed.
I stopped being his big mama, his secretary, his slave. From now on I am the mother of his children and that is it.
If he wants me back in his life, then he will need to stop the fancy words and start some actions that can provide some kind of commitment. If not, well we are in a D process, so it will run it's course.
I am not saying that all the sudden I am all strong, sure, very happy, I am struggling with my emotions, I am hurting yet. I hate this whole soap opera. But there is nothing I can do besides take care after myself, and this is what DB is all about, and I am embracing this DB thing 100% now.
By the way GG, I had my new light peach high hills on, H tough that shoes were gorgeous. My blouse was light peach too and my skirt was brown, very light fabric, along with a nice gentle brownish make up and some goldish jewelry.
Tough about GG and her kick A** shoes. Did the same.
Love you!
Pink
Hi Cadet,
Yes, and I believe in this too. I am up to the fight, even tough H will see and feel that he is slowly loosing my heart.
I finally got to the point that I can separate my emotions enough from the DB techniques and start applying it. I understand that it is still very easy to make mistakes, but I will try my best to keep in the right direction.
I will fight for my M until I can't do it no longer.
Thanks for checking.
Pink
Hi lovely RD,
Ahg, I wish I can just make my suitcase and visit RD. Drink some cold Irish beer (maybe even get drunk), go riding a bike with RD and forget all this crazy life.
But, it is what it is right now and I need to just hang in there and do my best for the time I have.
RD, sometimes I feel that the world is very small and that I am able to reach to everything with my hand, my toughs. But sometimes I feel so small, the world is such a giant place and I feel so alone.
I know I am a strong person, but I also know the price I pay for being the way I am. I think sometimes that I just want to lay my head on your lap and be one of RD's girls. Get that big Daddy's comfort and just rest and be in peace.
Thanks for being there for me RD, I know how much you admire me and because of that I have so much strength to keep going.
You are an important person for me. Take care.
Pink
Sister, your words are a translation of my sitch. As usual, Toots is such a smart girl. I will follow your advice and keep going. Being Pink and having a life, a life with my boys too.
Spring is here and makes it easier to have some fun. I believe I did the right thing and have been endorsed by many of my DB friends here. I will keep on this road and start taking charge of my sitch. I won't let H do whatever anymore, it just hurt me if I do.
My H is all over the place right now, so I will do my best to be like Toots said and detach as much as I can.
Love your words, you are an amazing woman.
Love,
Pink
Hi Pink. This is your time and by living your life I really believe that your H will start to see the light. I would love to spend time with you and your boys. My kids would love to meet them and we have plenty of quads and go carts and even a golf buggy to play on in the garden. We could have a few beers and talk about our WAS and our great DB friends. The bike ride would be a blast and I would try my best to scare Pink but I would say that would take some doing!!!!!! If the weather is warm I have a 100 ft sheet of plastic that I spread out in the garden , which has a slope , and we put the hose on it and dive along it , water going everywhere !!!!! Pink and her boys would love it. One of my favourite things is to drive up to glendalough just before daybreak and park the car at the top and watch the sun come up. Hot chocolate and breakfast roll in hand. Pink , I may be old fashioned but I believe a lady should be cherished and appreciated for who she is at the same time. Pink would only need comfort for a short time as the real Pink will soon be back.
Pink you are admired and your kind words to others shows how much caring and love is inside you. Your H will be a very sorry man if he doesn't get his act together because Pink will be fine , she will live and love and be a fantastic partner for someone who deserves her.
I posted my hearts thoughts on Toots thread recently because firstly she seemed a bit down on herself iand secondly and more importantly she deserves it. I am stunned that ladies like yourself (and Vanillia and Rppfl and many others) have WAS because you all seem fantastic to me.
Pink , I love my W and have never looked elsewhere in 24 years BUT !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for being Pink You are very special and a friend.
Take care and stay strong , RD xxxx
Pink
TauC will get bored of H eventually. Then we can see if H can change to become a worthy H for Pink.
I love the thought of Pink riding in the wind free as a bird.
V
Hi V,
I wish I could have a choice but I don't. My path is clear and I need to let H do what he needs to do.
I need to take care after myself and my boys. I don't think it is very easy but it is necessary.
Sometimes I am strong, sometimes I am in pieces. These are my consequences. Sometimes I feel there is hope, sometimes it is all done and past, these are my wounds.
The truth is that it is a new life, nothing will be the same again. Maybe it is for best, I don't know.
Love,
Pink
Dear pink, believe it is for the best. None of us here will come out the same people we used to be. We all have new understanding and we work hard for it. So,if the new pink reattracts H, it is for the best, but then – you may not want him anymore and a partner more in line with your evolution will be there for you. One life, to live and enjoy. I think I remember you saying that your mother also once made a very hard choice, but she was a happier lady for it in the end. I am sorry that you still have days that hurt so much.
Hi Pink. Missing you ! What's happening? You and boys good ? Posting able my one on mine thread tonight , I would appreciate your thoughts.
Rd
I'm missing you too Pink....how are things going with you and your lovely boys??
Hoping for an update soon....do you have nice plans for the weekend?
xx
Why do you do this Pink? I miss you..........
V
Hi all,
Love you with all my heart, please forgive me for doing this. Was sick for the whole week, got a bug or something. Had fever and was very weak. I think it's finally catching up with me and my body is taking the it hard.
I feel a little better. Did it all I need to do during the week but resign from any GAL for the weekend. It is just too much to handle right now.
I am at work now. I want to catch up with all the paperwork and have a nice week without too much stress.
Work has been good, spoke w/my director and the support is so appreciated. I have a green light from everyone now to get my Orthotic certificate and then I will be able to see my own patients. Feel really good about it.
Next Thursday will be my last class for the financial class I have been doing. Really good for me, learned a lot and will be able to apply some of the stuff towards my own financials.
My boys are good. Hurting with the total absence of their father. I really want to see to good side of him, but when I hear my kids comments of how it is not having a father, I can't denied that he loses a lot in my eyes.
My father was an in an off alcohol, but he was a present father, he gave us the love he knew how, but he was there. We had times of sadness, fight, but we also have many moments of happiness, laughter, enjoyment, respect, he wants us to be happy. I tough he was not the best father, but now I see that he was not so bad and my kids have the bad one.
It's hurting me a lot, by one hand I love this man and would like the opportunity to make a new life beside him, by other hand he is an empty jar, he left his family, does not have any respect or value for it, uses it as he wants and pleases, and then he is off again. He is a poor person in spirit and character right now. My heart is divided, I can't be so irresponsible, I am crazy but I know what is family.
So I will work some more now, I will try to catch up on everyone's thread asap. Love you all with all my heart and miss you all.
Love,
Pink
Hey Pink - I'm so sorry you haven't been well. That sounds like a horrid bug, and do give yourself a little time to recover. Sometimes GAL just has to go by the by and you need to give yourself some TLC. I hope those boys are looking after you well.
Really pleased for you on the work front - own patients....great!! It's nice that when one aspect of our lives is difficult, there are other aspects where we are moving forward and can enjoy the challenge and achievement.
Thanks for your comments on my thread too. I'm just mulling things over right now. Take care of yourself, and I hope you feel 120% better soon and can go dancing again!!
xx
Feeling better today. Almost a 100%. Have a busy week ahead. Not much of GAL but lots of things going on w/my kids. End of school year, finals, spring and all the yard work, getting the kids to see an IC, my own IC apt this Wednesday.
Have to get the equipment to record my kids songs. I have an old friend that have his own band. We have been in contact and once we record my kid's songs, he will check on it and if the material is good he will help him to get a meeting w/an studio.
S17 writes his own songs and they are really nice. I still don't understand how a kid 17 years old can write about things and feeling that he never experienced. Well, I thing God gave him the talent, so I need to help and encourage him.
Also, S17 made his decision about college, he is going for music! He is now with a 4.1GPA so very promising. We need to start on job hunting this week, driving lessons with crazy driver "mom" (promise I will tell him all what not to do). And then, summer time will be visiting some colleges too.
Ah, can't forget the whole craziness about submitting for scholarships and volunteer jobs.
S21 is having a hard time getting his business running well. We will see where it goes, but I do not have much hope on that. I think he will get demotivated and will look for something else soon. We will see.
H was absent all week, I really don't know where he was. He told me he would be in Argentina, but there is no trace on airplane tickets or hotels. He called the kids (they did not answer him) last night from Buenos Aires and today he is going to Montevideo/Uruguai. On Wednesday night he gets to Brasil, and is going to where my family lives. Not sure, but I think he will visit my mom again since he will be there during a holiday.
About me, I don't know what to think anymore. So, I think I will get as busy as I can, think about RD and smile, move forward and let the Universe and God be my guidance during this time.
Can't change anything, can't do anything and can't control anything. Getting used to my freedom, getting demotivated about any reconciliation. Lately I just feel I need to step up on my career, I want to feel important for myself again.
Hope everyone is feeling better today.
Love,
Pink
Hi Pink. Glad to hear your better. Great news about the recording , we might get to listen to them on the radio one day. !!! Also good news about your work.
About what your thinking re your H , I think you have a long road to travel yet He will realise at some point that he is losing his family and then he will have to face up to his sitch. If your still waiting for him or not that's something only time will tell for you. Im sure we all go through ups and downs when thinking of reconciling Time is all that will help you decide.
Glad your back posting. Take care. Rd
Hi RD - I feel better but I am really tired lately. I guess a bit of disappointment with H, kind of put me down.
I think about R and what it would look like if we get back together. I am afraid, really scared that I may not be able to let go all the hurt in my heart.
H is gone for the second week and during this time just texted me once and it was just asking me a favor to pay for something. He tried to contact the kids on last Sunday night, the kids did not answer his call and he did not leave a message for them.
So, totally absent. He does not care about us at all. I even think that it is OK that he does not care about me. But his kids!!!! He is not divorcing his kids and yet he does not care about them as well.
He is just a guy that has no respect, no values, I don't know why I waste my time feeling anything for this idiot.
I am really mad with him. I am getting to the conclusion that I am better off alone.
Pink
Hi RD - I feel better but I am really tired lately. I guess a bit of disappointment with H, kind of put me down.
Hi Pink,
Aren't Toots and RD amazing? You may may so tired because you are getting over an illness, Or, it could be all the stress you are under. In someone else's thread (maybe even my own) I posted this about lack of energy:
Ideally, the amount of energy you expend each day is equally balanced across the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual aspects of your life. But during and after a separation or divorce, your energy distribution is much different. As much as 85 percent of your energy can be diverted to dealing with the emotional upheaval, leaving only 15 percent to deal with all your physical, mental, and spiritual demands.They were notes I took from a D Support Group I attend. What you are feeling sounds very normal to me.
Hang tough!
Bob
Hi lovely Pink. I can hear you sounding pretty unhappy with your H. And I can truly understand that. I feel much of what you posted there. Our sitches have many similarities don't they? But, I would encourage you to remember that if he is in MLC, he isn't well and he isn't himself at all at the moment. It certainly helps me to think this way.
I hear what you say about his absence. But I would be very surprised if he doesn't care at all about his family. If he didn't leave a message for the kids, he may well have been thinking - no-one picks up on me. They don't miss me or want me. MLC is characterised by the depression and self pity I think.
Have you read Men in Midlife Crisis by Jim Conway? I found it pretty helpful, and it did help me feel a bit better about some of the awful aspects of it all. Even Jim Conway told his W that he didn't think they should ever have married and it was a big mistake. He wasn't unfaithful like many men in MLC though.
I don't know if any of this helps, and I do understand how you are feeling. You may also not yet be 100% better yet after your illness. On another note, I just had a chat with our old neighbour, and she told me that five couples on our road (including us) have S in the last 12 months. I know three of them (not that well, but to say Hi and have a little chat with.) They are all a similar age to us and with kids - sad....
Take care lovely Pink xx
Hello Pink,
Toots has some wonderful points. On a sidenote, it seems to me that marriage troubles are on the rise. I don't have any stats to prove it, but it sure is sad.
As Toots mentioned, there could be a number of reasons for your H's absence. Try not to dwell on H so much right now. I know...easier said than done. Please take care of yourself as best you can.
(((((Pink)))))) and (((((Toots)))))
Bob
Hi Pink,
I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. I think i read somewhere that tiredness weakens the immune system and so its easy to see how it can all build up, so take care of yourself.
It seems awful that your H isnt contacting his/your kids but there are so many reasons why this might be the case and as stupid as it seems to you (and us) it might make perfect sense to your H. Toots' post about MLCs may well be spot on. It might be worth having a read around some of the MLC pages to see if there is anything there that helps you.
He is just a guy that has no respect, no values, I don't know why I waste my time feeling anything for this idiot.
Because you love him.......
its no more complex than that and no rationalisation of it is going to change that. You'll always love him, he's the father of your children and you've been together for too long for that not to be true.
What you have to decide is when he has gone too far for you to want to let him have the kind of intimate relationship with you that you used to have.
You cant control how you feel about him but you can decide whether you will 'waste' any more time worrying about his mess and letting his issues disrupt your life
From what I read Pink is amazing and feisty and strong. Your H knows what he is losing, its whether he believes it yet and whether he can pull himself out of the whole he dug.
(((Pink)))
Hi Pink. Just to echo Jim , Toots and Bob. Sorry your down and as Jim says your H may have a good ( to him ) reason why he doesn't call. He does sound very confused to me Give Pink time to process and please know that you will be happy again You have to much spirt to be kept down by any thing or anybody
Positive thoughts Pink , your a special lady going through a horrible time , the horrible part will pass but the special lady will always be there. Take care. Rd
Hi Bob, Toots and Jim,
Bob - I guess you are right, you make perfect sense. It is all so unclear right now. It is getting to me since I like to resolve stuff.
I called to get an appointment for a blood test. In the past, once going through some stress (like in college), my sugar level was very low and I was always tired and dizzy. Recently I took a Vitamin D supplement (8000 per pill) to make up for my deficiency. For some reason my body uses it all.
Toots - it is hard, isn't it? If at least we could just ignore it for some time and then in some given day look at it again and then try to resolve it. I am trying my best, I guess when H is too far for too long, I go back into my fear, insecurities and disillusions.
Jim - You are right on... "Because you love the fool" Yes, I still love that dog and want to break his nose with a big punch.
I have all the reasons to just forget him, and yet here I am, missing him.
And you are right again... who knows what is going on in his head and in his heart. Last time we talked, he said that he thinks about us, his family every single day. That there is not one day that goes by that he does not think a lot about his sitch.
He even said that he has been thinking about our M, about us and what direction he must go from now on, and then said that he is very confused right now.
So, I guess I need to wait and see what happens and try to make the most of my own life.
We will be better tomorrow. Did you guys see the movie Frida? The story of a Mexican painter. I am Frida with a lot of pain.
Thanks you all for your kind words, it makes a big difference to have someone to share the bad days (and good ones too).
Love,
Pink
Pink you have given me so good advice I was reading some of the earlier posts it seems like we all have some common ground here with H's just walking away and saying M's were n't good and they don't love us etc....
I find that I just say to myself I am not buying it, its not true and some day he will figure that out. I don't look to the future I look at the day ahead of me and what I need to do to stop thinking and wondering about H or the why's.
Sounds like you have some great kids and they can keep you busy so you won't think about H. Tell yourself its ok that you love him still and then stop at that and think no more about H or his situation.
Hi Skhdive,
The truth is that as hard as it is, life will move forward and it is not on our own benefit to get stock somewhere in the past.
We made mistakes and we made a lot of good stuff too. We have been learning along the way and it's what we will take to our new R with our H or maybe someone else.
The more I think about my sitch and so many other people here, the more I conclude that we are strong people, we face the problems, we try to resolve them. We are not afraid to say we made some mistakes and we are willing to work hard on them to make it better tomorrow.
Most WAS have a million reason to run away, they make a mess of their own lives and drag everyone in the family into their nightmares. They are not happy with us, but they are not happy in their current lives. It's probably because along the way they figure that they are not happy with themselves.
That's why it is so important to leave them alone to deal with whatever they need to. And detaching is a mechanism to protect ourselves an have less pain in this process.
If they will come back, no one knows, I see that most people in these boards end up in a big D, but there is always hope that we can be part of the little group that makes it, reconcile and built a stronger M.
I went to hell and came back, and now I have good days and some bad ones. It's really one day at a time. Figuring out what to do, how to feel, how to deal with this single life. I am a faithful person, so I decide to give my problems to God and let him deal with it, whatever he will put in my path, then I will follow.
Hang in there, this is a war of many battles, so we need to eat, sleep and feel well.
Take care
Pink
H runs because he can not face his actions. but he takes those with him. They follow him as his shadow, sinister and foreboding. So H runs faster, he thinks he runs towards the light but he runs from his demons in the dark. When he arrives it will be night and the stalking guilt and shame awaits.
TauC is like putting a sticking plaster on a broken leg. It will go septic underneath.
The leg breaks at the first leap. A WAS takes the broken leg with them when they run, running becomes slower and slower until the pain causes pause. This will be awful for a WAS. Can you imagine the WAS pain in their own destruction? Knowing they have done this to themselves?
Pink is become a loving stronger woman standing for herself. Pink has no broken limbs, she stands and breathes, she has no need to run. Pink has a centre, a heart, a reason for being strong. Pink is becoming, do not resist Pink, let that higher power support you and give you the gift of strength and love. Let the breath of life gently keep you serenely easing into a softness of the soul. To float and glide in gentle daylight.
V
V, That's a lovely post which helps me too. A little lightbulb went on for me about the hugely important differences between 'running' (often WAS/MLC behaviour) and 'standing' (Dbing.)
What we do is difficult, but hopefully healthy. We are facing, not dodging. We are acting in accordance with our values - not against them. It is painful, but there is growth too. We are evolving.
Pink, I loved your post too, and I think you have come such a long way. As you say, we may be in the group who manage to save our M's. But I am convinced that a good life awaits you either way.
xx
It is just amazing how many people go thru this and why are there the runners and the stayers. What makes them have this MLC and why do they blame us. I feel it takes two to cause marital problems in most cases and maybe the strongest stick it out and the weaker run away?
So much anger. I see other R's and I think we weren't near as bad as them and they are still together why aren't we. Its weird how it happens and you are left to pick up the pieces and move on but they will also at some point have to pick up the pieces and realize what they have done to their family and live with it whereas the stayers who have worked on themselves and not punished or been mean and nasty to their spouse will have a guilt free conscious and know that they have done all they can and are a good person.
Wow, that's some philosophical material we came upon here. We are so awesome...
V - you are amazing. Your words came in the right time to feel my heart with tender and gratitude. I am missing my H, I don't know why but today it was very hard. Maybe because I know he is in my place, my country, he is very close to my family right now.
Thank you so much for such nice words, they are really powerful and there is a lot of truth there. H even told my mom that he needs to travel because when he is here, he feels he can't be too far from me.
Well, it is what it is for now. On may 11 we have court date because I asked for financial provisions, so our lives will be a little more separated after this. Slowly but surely we are going in separate paths.
T - We are doing the right thing. Being honest, respecting ourselves, our WAS and our values. We are the ones that got M based on the real meaning of it. I just hope that one day we can see the light one way or another.
It has been a difficult journey for us, we are evolving like you say, but the price is very high for this certificate. We are probably paying for a PhD degree.
S - I don't know why it happen to us, maybe it's meant to be. My M was not a paradise, neither was hell. I guess, life got the best of us both and pulled us apart for too long.
We got blind sided and the tornado took us out. Now, when the storm is passed, we are trying to see if we rebuilt the house or we move to another ground in hope that there will be no more disasters.
I guess we need to continue improving and hoping for a better day tomorrow.
Love you all ladies, you made me feel better today.
XOXO,
Pink
Pink, you have been quiet my friend! Is that because you have been busy dancing? Or working? Or recuperating? Or some of all three?
If you get chance, I'd love to know how you are doing. Any news from H at all?
Look forward to hearing from you xx
Hello my friends, I am doing a little better now. First, I needed some serious recovery from the bug I got. I felt better and then felt even worse. Much better now.
Kids are stressed out, ACT, lots of school work, tests, finals coming, it's always a challenge.
S20 got into some depression and is now seeing a IC. He is not on any medication for over 6months and his doctor thinks he does not have any issues besides a lot of low self esteem, some depression from issues not resolved.
S17 is driving pretty good. We had a lot of fun last time when I was teaching him how to drive. He is really good. Treating some acne is it is working, his skin looks better already (he did not have much to start with, but this is a kid that he worries about his appearance).
S15 was having some chest pain yesterday and got me very scared. We figure it was some heart burn after awhile. He slept in my bed, said he was afraid to die alone and things like that.
Asked me do not leave him alone, do not give up on him. I just promised him I will always be the same person. Asked him if he knows who I am and he said he has a pretty good idea. Then I said: - "So, you know I will not and never run away, from you, from your brothers and from any of my responsibilities with my family, you three are all my life. I carried you 9months inside me and you are part of my flesh, our lives are tied together for good or worse, forever.
He fell sleep, he was in peace. This morning he all happy, feeling good.
It is all very heavy, I have been leaning, processing and letting go. Sometimes, it is hard to think what direction to take. I love my H, at least the one I had some time ago. But he is also the reason my kids are so messed up. And him ignoring them, is not helping at all.
This was a busy week, got the approval for a full time job ( I was part time), just need to figure with my L if this is something that can hurt me when the D is final and there will be a decision of how much alimony I will get.
Good news is that my boss said that if there is any issue, then I can work extra hours for now and once the D is final, then I move to full time legally. Cool!!!
Did not much GAL, just weak and busy these days. Will go somewhere with the boys for Mother's Day. No expectations... and that is the way I feel about H right now. I do not expect he will do anything for Mother's Day, and the truth is that I do not even want his pity.
Have been reading TO's threads, have been learning a lot about self respect, detachment, control, etc. I am reading all lines on her story and I am learning how to be myself again.
It's a difficult process, I know now I was doing a lot of things in a wrong way. I have to change and become a better person. I will, but I know now that it is not fast, not magical...it requires a lot of work and dedication. So I am in my way to my own freedom, the one that will set me free as a person I want to be.
Sorry it took me so long to write... I think about you all every single day of my life. You are the best that happen to me.
Cira
Did not much GAL, just weak and busy these days. Will go somewhere with the boys for Mother's Day. No expectations... and that is the way I feel about H right now. I do not expect he will do anything for Mother's Day, and the truth is that I do not even want his pity.
Hello Pink,
I hope you continue to feel better physically. When we are going through rouogh times, did you know that up to 85% of our energy is used by our emotions? Typiically, during good times, only about 25% is used. I learned this in a D Support Group I attend. I bet it has something to do with you getting sick and still feeling week.
I hope the job situation works out for you. It sounds encouraging.
You have the perfect attitude about Mother's Day - no expectations.
I wish you well.
(((Pink)))
Glad to hear from you. You are a good person. Look how you have fought for your M and you have given me so definite good advice.
You are independent, strong person. I get the sad about H part, but what we all most realize is the H we married is gone, they are treating us badly and we don't deserve it!
Try to think about the good things, independent, you have a job that will let you work extra hours, someday your H will regret what he did, you have your children and your health now.
Keep detaching and GAL (which is very hard for me) but if you are like me you feel better when you do.
Thanks for your kind words Bob and Skhdive... I said it before and I am very convinced that we are the good people. We have high values and we stick to what makes life clean and healthy.
I am very independent since a young girl, but I miss my pillar. H was the one there, I knew if I was feeling weak, uncertain, insecure, I could always lay my head on his shoulder and cry my doubts, he would encourage me to move forward.
Now, I have a H that wants a D, is in a R with OW, and still cares for me, is nice to me, comes around and is like a dog around me. Gives me flowers, attention, all this in his own time. When he wants, he comes around and do all this.
WHY? Because he is crazy, insane, has no sense of respect for me lately, is selfish, feels guilty. He does not care about me, he just care about himself and that's why he does all this.
H visited my mom last Sunday, he told my mom that he loves me with all his heart and this will never change, but he can't see us together anymore and that he won't stop the D. He said that we just don't belong together anymore.
He told my mom that his R with this OW is not going well, that things are more complicated then everyone thinks. That his life is not easy and this D is very hard for him.
My mom asked if he ever think that this will all teach us a lesson and make us better people to each other and he said that he does not think I will ever change, that I did not love him before and won't love him ever. That I changed three times already and now he sees that I am getting farther away from him and realizing he is not the right person for me.
Oh dear God, I just don't know what to do anymore besides the fact that I need to go the darkest I can be and disappear from his life. I need to DETACH... I need to LET GO... and this is all so hard, so hurtful.
I think I am now realizing that we are separated for 6months and there is not a single sign that he will ever even consider we could work in our M. My marriage is dead, I get it. But now my hope is dying too.
I feel so alone. I have my boys, my family, my friends. They are all so good to me. I have you guys, and yet I feel alone at times, it hurts. Finally the pain is getting to me, the betrayal, disappointment, humiliation, sadness, it is all hitting me hard now.
I know who I am, that's the way I detach, I need to face it all straight and digest it with a lot of pain and then let go for good. I will do it, I just need to keep telling myself it's done.
Thanks, I will start going to other people pages soon and try to help others, this will make me feel better.
Love,
Cira
Thanks for your kind words Bob and Skhdive... I said it before and I am very convinced that we are the good people. We have high values and we stick to what makes life clean and healthy.
Pink,
You're very welcome! I feel so bad for you. My W, although not with OM, sounds so much like your H. It is tough to get through all this, I know.
Here's an inspirational bible verse, whether you are a believer or not. It is one of my favorites. I hope it helps:
“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’” (Jeremiah 29:11).(((Pink)))
Thanks Bob,
It really helps me. I am a believer. I have been a catholic my since birth but was struggling with the church position in many issues around the world, also was struggling within the catholic community here in Colorado.
So I decided to look for my faith, my God somewhere else and I found it. I changed to Christian Evangelical and got baptized last Dec 14, 2014. I feel very happy singing and praying for my God, my Father.
I even have a divorce song for myself: "I am not alone" from Kari Jobe. Amazing as it is, last time my H was at the house, he heard I was humming the song and then he said that he heard it in his way from the airport to his car. It was playing on the shuttle radio. He said he tough about me and wrote a long message, then deleted because he tough I would not bother with his stupidities. I just told him that I would always welcome his messages and if it was about my faith I would never dismiss it as stupidities.
So, is you W always nice to you too? This is something that confuses me. I need to detach and when I see him he is always being so nice, so caring and always talking about us, our M, our R, that he is still confused. It makes such a mess in my head.
How do you deal with it?
Pink
I am in a mess as you know but I guess I would detach further and not let him do things for you and I wouldn't talk to him about R or each other. Maybe like DB book says do a complete 180. I am not saying be mean but don't be available when he comes around all the time or if he comes to house be busy doing chores or something.
Yes, that is what I am thinking to do tomorrow when he comes to the house around 12:30pm - just disappear.
He can pick up the stuff he left at the house and just leave. I think it is my last poker move... run away from him, don't have any contact unless it is about the kids or finances.
I need to remind myself to take control over my life and my feelings. Use this time to learn and grow as a person.
I hope I can, because this is a much bigger pain then I anticipated.
Cira
I find the less I see my H the better I am and the stronger and more independent I am and then the minute he walks in that resolve cracks. It is hard to do this but if you keep being distracted when he is there with other (made up or not) things it seems easier then just standing there facing them.
I truly believe eventually you get to a place where you are just done and you don't need or want them. I just tell myself while he is at my house all the bad things he has said and done to me and that he is a coward and pitiful and it helps.
Hello lovely P! Glad to hear from you, and sorry you had a rough time with illness, but glad you're feeling better. It sounds like your boys have needed some TLC too - even though they are getting older, they still need Mum sometimes! And they know you are always there for them.
"he told my mom that he loves me with all his heart and this will never change, but he can't see us together anymore and that he won't stop the D. He said that we just don't belong together anymore.
He told my mom that his R with this OW is not going well, that things are more complicated then everyone thinks. That his life is not easy and this D is very hard for him.
he said that he does not think I will ever change, that I did not love him before and won't love him ever. That I changed three times already and now he sees that I am getting farther away from him and realizing he is not the right person for me."
Pink, all of the above is just crazy fog talk. If you try and wring a little logic out of that, you'll go a bit bonkers yourself. Your H is all over the place still. But I am glad to hear things aren't going well with OW at least. With the above, you really need to remember three things. One is MLC and two is believe nothing you hear. Three is, you have to detach from that and live your own life for now.
Please don't lose overall faith and hope though. I'm sure neither of our H's can stay where they are forever, and things will work out in whatever way. It just takes a lot of time and patience.
You're doing so well my lovely friend....take care xx
Thanks Bob,
It really helps me. I am a believer. I have been a catholic my since birth but was struggling with the church position in many issues around the world, also was struggling within the catholic community here in Colorado.
So, is you W always nice to you too? This is something that confuses me. I need to detach and when I see him he is always being so nice, so caring and always talking about us, our M, our R, that he is still confused. It makes such a mess in my head.
How do you deal with it?
Pink
You're welcome Pink,
I hope you find it as insprirational as I do. My WAW filed for D a little over 6 months ago. We do not live together. For the first 2 - 2 1/2 months, she seemed "nice" most of the time. Since then, little by little, she has become the complete opposite.
How do I, or did I, deal with it? Mostly, I've tried not to have any expectations as is always brought up in DB'ing. I did slip up at times, and I got so confused - such mixed messages. I finally decided to just focus on myself, put things in God's hands, and see what happens.
(((Pink)))) and a little X on the cheek, too. You are a dear person.
Hang in there!
Bob
Hi Pink. Fantastic to hear from , I missed you. Sorry your boysare having a hard time. Your paragraph about S15 had me tear up.
Pink. You have become a friend of mine. Not a virtual friend , a friend , I wll find a way to contact you one day in the real world. I have said before your H is lost , don't believe a word he is saying he doesn't seem to have any idea what he wants and every statement he makes its contradicti g the last.
Im glad your returning to the real Pink because the world needs Pink back. Your boys need Pink back and we all need Pink back Underneath your post I see great strength and purpose Pink you will come out the other side but it will take time. Give yourself that time H has to do what he wants and you need to carry on with your life AS IF he is out of it. You are to kind and caring when it comes to him. I understand because you love him but now passionate , loving Pink has to put that love for him to one side until Pink decides what is best for Pink.
Again , great to see you back. Get ready for the kisses and hugs. !! !!
Rd. xxxxOOOOxxxxOOOOOOxxxxxx
Skhdive, I feel the same way. I just hear that H will be at the house tomorrow and panic strikes on me. Well, I decide not even be in a house tomorrow, it's better for me and now it's about me feeling better. Right?
Besides, I love rain and we are having London feeling this whole week, by Monday we will probably be singing like frogs. It's gorgeous, love this dark skies, rain all the time, love it a lot.
Makes me feel stronger and really good.
Toots my sister in heart - I know you are right too. My mom even said that he is all over the place, that he has shame now more then before, that he does not say things in a constant mode, he is abstract, not much to say anymore.
She also mention that towards the end of his visit, he said he was leaving and stood up, my mom was ready to stand up from her chair and then he kneed beside her, hugged her and put his head against her body, and said "Oh, Ju what I am doing with my life?"
My mom said that she put a hand over his head and told him to give some time to himself and think about things, think about what he really wants and weight what he needs.
So, as you said I do not have any control over what he does, is doing or will decide, I just need to detach and let him go. It's just very hard to do.
Bob, thanks for the X on my cheek, really need that today. That's one thing I am changing. I am allowing people to love me and show that love. I am not saying a man's love right now, I am not ready for that kind of love. But I am allowing human love, and let people get close to me like never before.
Brasilians are touching, hugging people, body is a big part of showing affection for us. But growing up I created some defense mechanisms that I just realized now, treating myself, that were there to protect myself against any other wound. I am learning how to be a loving person again. And I like it.
DETACH, DETACH, DETACH, LET GO... LET GO... LET GO.........
Need to write a song with these words, so I can sing it all the time.
Thanks for giving me such support and help, you guys are awesome.
By the way. Went to a professional salon and had my hair done. some dark and light brown w/tons of red and very, very little light brown highlights. Everyone says I look incredible, that I look 10years younger. Yesterday a Rep came over my office and said that he needs to visit more frequent because I look astonishing. Wow, that was something good for my Ego. He is a very handsome man himself.
Later,
Pink
And apart of my above comments, I have been missing RD.
Pink
Well Pink, you may want to let H see that fabulous hair for himself. And only briefly of course, as you will be headed out somewhere looking and smelling lovely ten minutes after he arrives. Please try not to feel panic at him being at the house. Hold your head high, your back straight, smile, be pleasant and look lovely - then leave....
But as you say, if you don't feel up to doing that, just don't be there...
xx
Bob, thanks for the X on my cheek, really need that today. That's one thing I am changing. I am allowing people to love me and show that love. I am not saying a man's love right now, I am not ready for that kind of love. But I am allowing human love, and let people get close to me like never before.
You're so welcome Pink!
It sounds to me like you have the right attitude.
Now, another X for your other cheek.
Your friend,
Bob
Toots, it may be the right thing to do. I will be able to be there to thank H for his kindness of visiting my mom and picking up the stuff she sent to the kids and thank him for leaving the truck with me in case I needed (have been driving it the whole time).
He will see my hair, just confirmed my eye brown will be done by 4pm today and later my mani and pedi too. Look not so sick today, so will not be so bad tomorrow as well. And like you said, be polite, have my head high and leave. Perfect.
I will take it to my heart tonight and think well about it and tomorrow morning I will see if I can do it or not. Thanks for the support Toots, we are awesome.
Bob, thanks for being so kind. It really get a smile out of us when someone is so kind.
Pink
Hi Pink. Sounds like a plan. Let's us know how you get on.
Take care. Rd xx
RD, so happy to hear from you. I feel like a little girl today. I think you Ds are really lucky to have you as their dad. I wish I had such father.
I still think about RD and it brings me a smile, you are awesome and I have been missing talking to you. This journey is really crazy, I don't really understand how I miss someone I don't even know.
I will check your posts later. Hope things are working well for you.
Cira
Pink. I posted on page 9 of your thread. The last post. Have a read and we will chat. Rd
Oh RD, now I have tears in my eyes and in my heart too. You miss me the same way I miss you. One day RD, and it may not even be that far. My D is moving, one of these days I am single again and moving on.
Yes, H is lost and is confused and all blah, blah, blah. But the truth is that I don't even know if I can pass over all what happen. I saw him w/OW in front of a cheap hotel, I found he gave her presents, he said in my face he had feeling for other person.
All this pain is inside me, I don't know if I can forget all this. I saw and I am seeing my children's pain. My S15 did hold my hand strong to go to sleep because he was in one of those weak moments when fear is bigger then you and he is afraid to be left alone. His insecurities, his emotions.
Why? Why? Why? Someone do this to the ones they should love the most?
I don't get it, I can't do it. I am a caring person, I do put myself in other people's shoes and try not to hurt them. I really don't know if I can ever let go all the hurt in my heart.
But I know I can let it all go and plan to have RD in US or go to Ireland looking for him. This is possible.
RD, thanks for being my friend. You have no idea how much you helped and are helping me to get through this enormous pain.
And let the kisses and hugs come. Gee, I already feel like dancing. No GAL today. Need to do some insurance paperwork. But just think about my sweet Irish and I feel like drinking a cold beer and dancing till morning.
XOXO to you too RD,
Cira
Hi Pink. I'm so glad you posted your comment about missing me or I would not have known you missed my post. We will be helping each other and we will get through this You will do great tomorrow and Toots is right. Let H see what he is losing. Your H has hurt you very badly but time will see if you can forgive him. I'm not defending him because like most of the ladies on here your H doesn't deserve you Let it all calm down , wait and see how you feel. Time is everything and we can all help each other until enough time passes for us to heal
I suggest a steak dinner with a small amount of alcohol followed by a club having a Soul / Motown night , dancing until dawn then breakfast by the beach , a swim in the Ocean then lunch of a Brazilian classic of your choosing , then salsa or the like until sundown and long walk along the sea , tide out discussing our plans with the seven kids for the next day. It's good to dream !!!!!!
Take care wonderful Pink. Your friend and admirer. Rd xx
Bob, thanks for being so kind. It really get a smile out of us when someone is so kind.
Pink, you're welcome again! My pleasure. You might make my eyes tear up a little - in a happy way.
That, and seeing my freind Rd posting in your thread again, makes me smile.
We all truly care about you, Pink!
((((Pink))))
Edit - Please start a new thread
So H came to the house and did not really change his way. I was in my bedroom putting on some earrings, he came in and said Hi, how are you, I said I was good and asked the same.
Very awkward, nothing much to say. I asked him if he would take his clothes that he left in my closet. He totally forgot them, he start picking them up and I went downstairs. H came and said he needed to talk to me.
I asked if there was any problem, and he said no. He just want to talk about my mom. My mom? Yes, it just happen that H is very worried about my mom's health. He said she put some weight on and he is very worried for her well being. That he loves her like his own mom.
He went on and on about this. I said to him more then once that I can't really do much about besides talking to her on the phone and encourage her to exercise.
I walked outside the house and it is very cold today. H went back in a house and return with a jacket for me. He made sure to dress me and say that he is always worry about me because I am not very careful.
I really don't get it. He acts like he loves me with all his heart. He looks at me like he misses me a lot. H thank me for stopping the financial provisions and trusting him because he is working hard for our family. What family? The one he is leaving?
But I act "AS IF" and behaved like he was a good neighbor. I did my best, and I think I succeed to respect him, to make sure to thank him for getting the brazilian snacks for the kids, say that I appreciated what he did.
I also asked H for some schedule with the boys. I told him that he needs to pitch in at least when he is around. He told me that he is planning to take the kids to and from school next week and take them for lunch next weekend.
I said no, you can't just take the kids for an hour or so, you need to plan to have the kids for the whole day. Then I told him that since he does not have a place yet to have the kids with him that he could come to the house and stay here and I will go away and do the things I need to do for myself.
He said it is a good idea. I am also planning to ask him to come to the house some time during the week to cook some dinner for the boys. He is a father, so he needs to act like one. At least we will see what will happen.
I did not stay too long. Told H I needed to run some errands, said goodbye and left. It was very hard, I felt I wanted to stay, and talk to him forever. But I did what I needed to do and I think I did it well.
I finally understand I can't save my M anymore, that my M is dead forever. Maybe, when H comes back to his senses, and if it happen, then maybe he will fall in love with me again. Nobody knows, even I do not know if I will be willing to have a R with him again. I just don't know right now.
What you think? I am planning to go dark, do not show myself at all. Do not engage in any conversation with him if not for kids stuff or financial. I need to detach and the only way to do it will be TO LET GO... It was very hard, then it was hard, then it is manageable and I hope that will become easy with time.
Like RD said, time will tell what will happen in our future.
No mention about MOTHER'S DAY... so I think he will just ignore it. O well, I am not his mom anyway.
It was a good day!
Pink
RD, I love the ocean, I could even picture the walk. Got a little nervous about 7 kids, but with I guess that if there is enough food, we can handle it with some jokes, a happy spirit and a big smile.
Bob, I know you care, and I know for sure that there is a lot of folks that care about each other here. I am very thankful for this board and the help I always get here.
XOX,
Pink
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!! To all moms in this forum. You all deserve a very nice day fulfilled with happiness.
And Happy Mother's Day to all the guys out there that are being good moms for their kids too. Like my friend RD that is so many times the mom that his kids have.
You brave guys deserve a big hug today.
Love,
Pink