So part
17 locked while I was away doing easter things (Gg broke it!)
Havent been about much several steps forward some steps backward, took a break from the whole computer / tablet environment so will be catching up with you all later on.
So whats been going on?
Well Saturday was as I said quite chilled out and included new rug, artwork etc.
Sunday I brought s a hot cross bun and juice in bed to give him a slow start to the day as he'd been so emotional on Saturday. Then started my normal routine and then settled s down while I did the prep work and got the place ready for lunch (as well as stuff like getting washing put away etc) spent some time with s as well watching and helping with his game and talking, tried to get him involved in the kitchen as well but he's a 10 year old boy so the alure of the video game was strong!
Ended up making a stawberry flan with cream, lamb shoulder with 5 veg, roast potatoes and yorkshire pudding.
Went and picked w up just before 3 and offered her a glass of wine while I got things ready, we had a nice meal together with light chat and pudding with coffee. W had asked me could I help with a bedside cabinet she's got for s as her back is out and fil is obviously (a) pretty hopeless and getting things finished or started and (B) in full on moving mode for this/next week.
Since its for s not w put it together (took less than an hour) w said if it had been for her she wouldnt even have mentioned it but he needs somewhere for his bedside lamp. Anyway gave us more time to talk, we discussed getting back together, w is still vague and Im not pushing, she said if it did happen it'd take a long time I said she should decide what she needs to do, she knows I dont want to be separated or divorce but I also want us all to be happy.
After I'd built the unit and s had laid into half an easter egg, took them back to the flat and was invited in, put the bedside table in place and had a coffee while s played with some lego he'd got instead of more chocolate. Was a pleasant evening until s's bedtime.
Got him in bed and he wouldnt let me go, I was in full validate and calming mode but he kept grabbing at me and saying he didnt want me to leave. Importantly I just said I had to go so I could feed BFT, didnt at any point blame w for making me go or anything else. Eventually after much calming he settled down and I went back into the lounge.
W immediate said she hates to be flagged as the bad guy like that. I kept my voice calm and quiet so I didnt alert s and just said I didnt make her the bad guy just told s I have to go soon. W seemed distressed but didnt seem to want to open up to me and time was ticking on so I decided this was a good time to go. W came down to lock up behind me and we had a quiet conversation, I said Im not making her the bad guy in this, I *do* have to go and I have not at any point shown any sadness or unhappiness in front of him this weekend at any point, she just repeated she doesnt want to be flagged up as making everyone unhappy.
I went to get in the car and she broke down in tears, went back in and hugged her for a moment or two before she was ok and then went.
In an email later she said she just hates it when s is upset and she cant fix it, she feels under pressure to make it ok but cant. The more he pleads with me to stay (unbidden or not) the more it seems shes making everyone miserable and puts her under pressure, Im not pressuring her but its unavoidable as she knows both he and and I want us to be together as a family. Its new territory for all of us and she doesnt have the answers shes only human and crys sometimes.
I replied (once) simply saying s doesnt understand anything but that he wants is all together, its that simple for him. Not for us grown ups.
Its new territory which we can also see as an opportunity and can be as simple or as complicated as we all choose to make it. I will never use our son as any kind of pawn between us and while I continue to hope she will want to work on our marriage I have no desire to pressure her into anything or see her unhappy.
Put a bit of a downer on the end of the day but on the whole it was very positive, I didnt go off the deep end feeling sad or upset, just came home finished up and headed for bed.
Yesterday left w alone to get on with things (she was off for a last meal at the MIL's place before they sell up and move - more in a mo) I went out walking as it was a nice day (just the local beach) then failed spectacularly to find a barbers that was open (hair could use a trim) and bought some new sunglasses as the ones I got back in August snapped. Noticed my car was running a little warm (well on temperature, its normally running cold) but the weather was warm and it was stuck in traffic a lot.
Grabbed a few lengths in the pool then came home pizza and caught up with some TV and reading.
A few fb messages back and forth from w on a movie she was watching and she was checking in with me over s as well after he'd been upset. He was brighter and happier yesterday apparently.
Oh and parked the diet and ate my KitKat egg and chocolate bar
So today - up did an extra 10 of everything in exercises to atone for the KitKat
showered etc and working through several hundred emails and a few calls. Booked some time Thursday so I can pick w & s up to go meet with a maths tutor for s to fill in some gaps in his H.e. learning and will shortly be pinging over to w to confirm times to pick up s tonight.
W has been fb tagging me over pictures of BFT its popped up from 2013 which shows that - she's exactly the same big furry lump she was - seeing her upside down in our flat plucked at me a little but I soon moved on and replied with a pic from Sunday showing her also sleeping off more fish!
S and I normally do our swimming on a tuesday anyway but he's staying over tonight and another day this week as thu-mon he's going along with w mil and fil to see some relatives they havent seen in a while. I have no issues with this as both w and I are keen he doesnt lose touch with his family on either side during this separation or whatever comes next.
Back on the MIL/FIL house move looks like they are on the move next week but since they will have the money may well go and stay in a hotel as w made it clear otherwise it would have been the floor in the flat. She wasnt clear if she said that to them, they said that to her or she thought they would understand it but its very good from an everyones stress point of view if they do.
Tomorrow is beginners class Yoga, Thursday will be swimming with s. Weekend unplanned yet...
And thats me up to date for now!
Edz
I'm not too clued up with your sitch but I'm going to read up. I just want to say how well you handled that and how well you are doing with your GALing.
Your weekend with w sounds like it went a bit the way mine with H went with him starting to talk and seeming a little doubtful over his actions.
Continue with the good work, you sound like the confident, together, strong kind of guy that she would be a fool to loose
Hi Cherry!
Good of you to pop in and thanks for the kind words. Yes there are a lot of threads on my sitch so let me know if you need me to clarify anything and excuse the early ones, as I mentioned in the previous thread, I was a lost deluded lil'puppydog in those ones, I've sorted a lot since then, still have a lot to do.
I'll pick up on your sitch too this evening when I get to do a check in with all my db buds
Working on being the man only a fool would leave, will it convince w to return, dont know I'd like to think its given her pause seeing these changes. She said a few weeks back that back in July at BD she really, really never wanted to see or hear from me ever again, now we've got to here - I'll keep on keeping on
Cheers
Edz
That is really good, and your attitude is amazing! I guess that's what it comes down to, and if nothing else- we know we are the best we can be. And it feels good to be so positive and busy and be enjoying life the best we can. It feels really strange when it feels like the role reverses, like to start when we are a wreck and asking them qs and pleading whilst looking sad. Then when it flips that we look so content and they're q'ing us. Feels good.
I wish you the best of luck with it, and Ill read your sitch and absorb some advise.
You, for sure have this
Hey edz, you sound like you're doing really well and that there's some positive movement in your sitch.
Small steps edz, small steps.
Take care, Barry.
Hey shout to Cadet, thanks just noticed you put up a link to the new thread, much appreciated
Hey, Edz. Been a while since I checked in. Seems like things are ever so slowly nudging in an increasingly more potentially non-negative direction (don't want to overstate it
)
So is "thing" now out of the way or did you never get clarity on that?
Hi Gan
Thing, oh thing, well since I've always been out not to snoop (maybe intel but not snoop) I cant say for sure nor can I really go into details in case I made what it is guessable! sigh!
Insofar as I can see where "thing" was going in January never went anywhere, looks like w still plays with the idea and maybe mulls it over and I wouldnt be shocked if it comes up again before any serious reconciliation attempts happened or if it came to the fore if w decided not to pursue reconciliation.
So really where it was, no signs of it becoming a huge issue yet, I suppose I've just stopped worrying over it until it does!
Thanks for checking in. Non-negative, I like that
Yup very difficult at times not to convince myself we're not moving forwards well, of course then evenings like Sunday pop up and Im very glad I have tempered my expectations so I dont collapse like a damp house of cards again.
Slow steps, sometimes backwards but isnt that what a waltz is?
Hey shout to Cadet, thanks just noticed you put up a link to the new thread, much appreciated
New policy I just made up..... LOL
No guarantees but I will try and if everyone else helps, it shouldn't be too hard.
It does make reading threads a lot easier, a year or two from now.....
Takes a bow, I know wicked to the core.
Lol
Sounding good edz. Wish my social life was that good atm.
Sigh all the dudes have bolted. Rolls eyes.
New policy I just made up..... LOL
No guarantees but I will try and if everyone else helps, it shouldn't be too hard.
It does make reading threads a lot easier, a year or two from now.....
I shall try to be worthy
Many thanks.
Takes a bow, I know wicked to the core.
Lol
Sounding good edz. Wish my social life was that good atm.
Sigh all the dudes have bolted. Rolls eyes.
Well you shall just have to post at me for the meantime then!
Sounds like you handled everything really well on Sunday, edz. Good for you. I so appreciate reading how far you have come and how you deal with things. You really are an inspiration to me in many ways.
Hi Edz
Sounds good in respect of Sunday - well done. I think you're managing to stay pretty cool whilst your W flips and floops about and get's emotional. Steady Eddie - the lighthouse.
I have been reading Caliguy's sitch in MLC lately. His W is a bit further along than yours, but I think he has been handling things well too. You may be interested to have a look at this thread.
For sure it sounds as though your W is mulling things over and R isn't 'out of the picture' as it once was in her mind. That's all positive. And I think you should just carry on this track as you are. Pushing yourself a little further on the GAL front, being a great Dad, not putting pressure on W and so on.
And no expectations. Overall faith that all will ultimately be well - and no expectations.
Have a good evening! :-)
Edz
Thanks for your post on my thread, this is the recipe.
Ginger beef (best in a slow cooker)
Can use really inexpensive cut of stewing beef (for two or three) or reduced price chuck from Lidl. Cube the seasoned beef, then use red wine with either tomato juice or purée to cover (tenderises the meat). Sweat onions and garlic in a sauté pan can add spoon of ground spices, Marsala with turmeric can use paste if have that.
Ginger is key, use root fresh. Recommend a porcelain ginger grater (about 1.50 from ebay). Ginger reacts with aliminum so not so good. Grate a thumb of ginger and chop a thumb of ginger. Add the chopped ginger and onion mix to the beef and stir well. You can slow cook as long as you like, min 2 hrs (cheaper beef then longer and lower heat). 15 mins before serving add the grated ginger (for the aromatic portion) and a dash of lemon juice to release the flavour.
Can serve with rice or noodles or quinoa or baked potatoes.
Warning do not add English mushrooms they flatten the ginger flavour. Can use cider or cider vinegar to tenderise.
BFT will love the leftovers. Pat and purrs.
V
Hi Edz more positive signs which has to be good. Melos and steady snd all that but you have that covered at this stage. Positive thoughts for you. Take care. Rd
Evening all
Well chilled out this evening swimming with son and he's in bed now while I have a nice glass of viognier here no worried Wilma's here.
W was quite chilled when I picked up son this evening she seemed quite happy even with me in her 'personal space' tonight. No expectations just leaving her to have space while I get on with baking this new me. We'll see what the end cake looks like in time.
Meantime just reached out to one of S's friends mums who was a joint friend before bd and who I took S's friend back to Saturday. S has asked could his friend have a sleepover here so I asked and yes his mum is cool with that, we had a good chat was nice to start talking with some friends from our marriage again. She was really impressed with what's been going on (yes she's the "wow" friend for those playing at home) and said I'm clearly vying for father of the year. I made a promise to myself in councelling that I'll be open on my depression so she asked and my answer was simply I had been in a horrible place with myself for a long time and I'm now just enjoying being a dad again she was really happy with that and both her and hubby are happy for friend to come over. I'll arrange a time when s is back from his break with w and mil/fil.
Other than that chilling out.
Thanks for the recipe v sounds fabulous will give that a bash this weekend
Wine recommendations?
Stay classy all
EdZ
Hi edz,
More non-negatives in your situation and some positives.
You're clearly doing good and I've said this many times but you continually demonstrate real integrity - a much underated trait - and are a good example to some of the rest of us (by that I mean me).
You know what you need to do and others have already reminded you so I won't repeat it. Just remember slow cooked tastes better
I hope you enjoy your yoga class.
Couple of choices for Red. Italian: Chianti Reserva Edizione del Fondatore 2011from sainsbury £9 (superb) or slightly cheaper Sainsbury taste the diff Chianti Reserva 2013 £7.
Something heavier, even cheaper, needing decanting? Lasts for more than 1 day Lidl Gran Reserva 2007 Terragonia about £6.
No doubt you can recommend back. I loved the Pedro recommendation.
V
Well good morning all.
W & S just left so on my tod again (working from home today which is lovely with all this sunshine in my window), again tomorrow as im off to go with w to a tutor (more in a mo) and in the office friday.
Good evening all in all last night, son wasnt too settled as he's a little deep in thought on the subject of what happens when you die (he's a deep 10 year old) but once he went off tucked him in and crashed out myself, had a good sleep.
Texted w this morning to see if she was heading round at 10 then got my usual morning done (no exercises this morning as I was feeding s and getting him sorted before work, will do it later or leave as im at yoga - gulp - tonight). W actually turned up at 9:30 apparently mil is round using the washing machine which spurred her to go early!
As I mentioned w/mil/fil/s are off to relatives this weekend so w gave me the key and asked could I feed her cat (sadly not a euphamism) so will be popping in, nice to see the other one again - miss her too, nice to be trusted as well. W did say she didnt know what to tell mil if she asked whos feeding the cat, just said tell her the truth, she said she'd go nuts, said well thats tough its your home but I dont want to cause issues. She's standing firm though (right now) that she wants me to do it regardless and she'll handle her mother. Not reading anything into it as she may well just avoid the conversation and say "a friend", either way not a biggie to me what she says, her action shows trust thats nice for me to see - made the whole "friends only" thing clear in the past anyway no need to dredge that up again.
Made w some toast and coffee as she hadnt had breakfast and had a headache, we were discussing s and his fears, separation anxiety (s not w) and a few other bits and bobs.
They're off for a day at various friends/playdates now anyway.
Will be around there tomorrow to pick w & s up to go up to a session with a potential tutor to help him with maths and some more advanced stuff w isnt confident in, feels good to be getting involved in this as its something pre bd i'd have left to w - yes, it shows a 180 to w but it also just feels good.
Other than that work for the rest of today possibly a haircut but may leave that until the weekend as I need to have an itenary since I wont have s.
Feeling ok, sunny and buoyant. Nothing on r from w but then wasnt expecting it and every encounter cant be about her opening up. I dont have the crash afterward I used to have which makes me feel Im doing better if nothing else.
Anyway, on with the day!
Sounding good Edz. And I think it is a good step that W has asked you to feed the cat, knowing MIL may object.....Catgate. It will be interesting to see if MIL asks and how W responds. I wouldn't ask, but hopefully she will share.
Have a good day Yogaman!
Looking forward to the yoga report, Edz. I enjoyed some nice pigeon tonight. Not really a fan of that pose but today it was working for me.
Im just hoping they take pity on me, I'm 6'4 and shoulder to shoulder 19" Im not exactly built for flexibility even at goal weight!
Well took a look in the mirror this morning and thought, nope, cant leave the hair like that so manoeuvred my day about and walked up to the barbers (completely forgetting its half term) anyway hair back to where it should be now (again, I have ears!) nicely clippered at the sides although "a little product" seems to have been misheard as "hi i'd like a strange david tennant style uplift please" so a shower and hair wash will be happening after work.
Catgate - lol - thanks Toots
Yes, as I said I just like she trusts me. She said her mum will be convinced I'll start riffling through her drawers (chance would be a....err moving on) said well you know may try on a few things see how they look, got a laugh back (see above 6'4 etc, wife is 5'6 ish). MIL is so tied up in herself and the move that Im not sure she'll ask I do wonder will wife cover or just tackle it but, as Ive said, thats her battle to wage. If we did get back together it would make this look like nothing so maybe she would to judge the mood, don't know, suppose we'll see one way or another.
I do know its a cracking afternoon weatherwise, sunny but not too hot. Shame Im now stuck at the desk again for 2 1/2 hours!
Cheers all
There are days I believe I am in a prank show.
Got to yoga.
Yoga instructor is late but we can go in said hello to a few people mostly mid 40s women 2 or 3 men. 5 minutes go by. Instructor has gone home sick
Luckily had my swimming gear so had 40 lengths in the pool. Been refunded for this week we'll try again next week.
Anyway, on the way took the next batch of big man clothes to the donation bin, have nothing over a couple of xl t shirts one pair of big big jeans (so when I reach goal I can compare) and a lot of drawer space now or at least fewer jammed drawers!
Also dumped a big leather jacket I've carted about since 1998 and that had a badly ripped lining, broken zip and ripped stitching that went in the bin as its beyond repair and I have a new one.
So spicy pork for dinner with the last of that strawberry flan and chilling out after a busy day. Peeved about the yoga but will be there again next week!
That's too bad, Edz. I reckon some of the guys in my class who are the BEST at yoga are upwards of 6". Besides, yoga is just about being present in your own body. You don't need to be a contortionist to do it. Everyone has things they can and can't do. I still find downward dog pretty challenging, but can do crow pretty easily!
Hi Edz. Just a quick post to say all Looking positive and well done on weight loss. Take care. Rd
An ordinary day!
More like this for Edz.
V
Well goood morninining everyone.
Still sunny if a little heat hazy down here but getting warmer (admittedly I just did my exercises and had a hot shower but....)
First thing noticed a fb post from w at 5am saying she was irritated and couldn't sleep, too much going on in her head, a few of her friends had posted but I didn't reply on her timeline. Dropped her a text just saying hope she was ok and confirming the time for s's tutor appointment this afternoon left it at that then got on with the morning regime.
About 10 w calls my mobile and tells me actually she's coming here this afternoon now if that's ok with me (this means doubling back on ourselves) as mil will still be at the flat, she (mil) is in a complete meltdown as the house sale hasn't exchanged and they haven't moved and 100 other things, w was concerned today wasn't the best day for me to arrive at the flat (she clearly hasn't discussed going with me to the maths tutor or Catgate(tm) ). I dont wish bad luck on MIL or really have any feelings for her now (moved well beyond it) but I will say I really don't care as long as w & s aren't impacted.
Even w said she will tackle her mother on her business being her business but not today as she's worried about the stress mil is under (fil is full steam ahead but for various reasons I wont go into here isnt joining in the concern). I find it - difficult - to believe that's something w will do given 16 years of experience but anyway simply said how she relates to and deals with her mum is entirely up to her, personally I have no issues in whatever MIL says to me but I dont want to cause w any stress and there's no issue with w&s coming here ever while we are in our current position.
Sounds to me like mil is in a situation she can't control and is angry and dumping stress on w. W said she's very worried how mil will take it if the sale falls through (due to complete monday) I've said that in various sales we had it can be down to solicitors not communicating and everything is ok and there's no evidence of anything being wrong but really its down to fil/mil and she shouldn't worry about them.
Of course they are all due to go away tomorrow so w isn't sure if that's happening, she said she doesn't really care. All sounds like w is feeling it from every angle bar me right now (although I know she feels implied pressure from s & i even when im not in contact but theres nothing I can do there, that's in her mind), she knows she can show up here if she wants to and flop in a corner she may or may not and I wont push it but at least she knows she can.
Anyway, I'm not obsessing over it - I cant influence anything in that area and w/mil/fil are all grown ups.
So maths tutor this afternoon and then the current plan is swimming with s after work (time booked off for the tutor and no he's not coming swimming - that I know of anyway :O) I'm not expecting time with w outside of the tutor visit and haven't made any invitations, we'll see what she chooses to do. Either way is fine.
Home made burgers for dinner tonight, have some nice steak mince in. Will put chilli flakes and seasonings in mine not in s's (he's very taken aback by strong flavours).
Not sure whats changed but while I was feeling a little lonely last thing last night and this morning and do get the occasional "will be alone forever" moment, right now feeling happy and fine. Maybe its the weather, mmm, maybe I need to emigrate!
Catch you later guys.
Edz
Puts hand up, yeah edzs immigrate Australia is nioce!
Bft will be expensive to bring but urs only money and their ain't no pockets in shrouds
...though definitely turning here. Very Autumn-like this week.
Actually my world was more like freaking winter!
But shush gan, he won't move if you tell him it's been known to snow in Australia.
...though definitely turning here. Very Autumn-like this week.
Maybe that mean we will get spring soon (in the US)
Back now
lol guys, we nearly emigrated to Australia back in 2002 (pre son) but w got flakey about the whole thing and I got the impression she didn't want to leave her parents, after we both decided we like new england (Boston esp) in the US we also looked at that but ultimately we didn't take the chance when it was possible. Then our age was against us, likely I couldn't go now as I wouldn't rack up enough points on the skills, age or money sadly and don't have any relatives to vouch for me
although both Gg and Gan in - relatively (for the size of the country) - the same place, that's a point in its favour of course!
Ah well, have to content myself with the fact its 18c and sunny today down here, although where the tutor place is which is by the seafront is shrouded in sea mist today, brilliant sunshine by me lol.
Anyway while s was in his assessment bought w a coffee and a cake at the seafront bistro we only talked about s his previous schooling and current attitude etc. Was nice, mr Fixit was screaming a little to talk about m and r but I know its not the time, down to w to signal that discussion now. S seems to be reasonably ok and I'll be taking him to his tutor times on saturdays from the end of the month.
While its not the point I dont go in with him so it will lend an option or two if w is interested in a coffee at the beachfront every now and again for the hour or so he's in there.
Looks like s isnt coming swimming now as he's saying he's too tired but he's coming round for dinner but not staying over since they have an early start tomorrow, although I think its also w doesnt want to pick up with mil/fil or have me drop off while theyre about. To be honest its better for s not to have a late night and an early start if he's to be in a car with w/mil/fil for several hours especially how fil drives!
W is going to let me know if they're going or not, already planned not to see either of them until tuesday so no hassle and w has already said we'll work out the time with s next week to make up for it so theres no stress there.
I wont lie I did want to hold w's hand and talk at the seafront, I just know that she's not ready yet (if ever) for that and already knows I want us together since she's not talking about it she's clearly otherwise occupied and therefore not ready so she can take time and I'll carry on being me.
Cheers all!
Edz
Oh and Gg you already let the cat out of the bag with the winter when you were talking about minimum temps a while back
Yeah but I don't believe them. Australia is always warm - I've seen those documentaries.... I think one of them was called neighbours....
Actually your IT skills probably score pretty highly and it would certainly address the MIL issues
Good work on staying out if the whole MIL/FIL/move drama. You might need to find Mr fixit some healthy space to run free for a bit as a reward for staying quiet (and yes I have just implied that he's now more like a border collie - clever, hard working but can wreak havoc in the wrong setting)
Hi Jim I'm letting him loose on building a virtual machine and Minecraft server this weekend for son and friends to access. Will give me something for the evenings planning on being out in the sun if it holds up over the weekend.
Yup want no part of the mil drama sounds worse every time I hear more from what I know two points down the chain there's a dispute on someone needing a counter signature to get a mortgage confirmed all in time for Monday,um, running away...
You'd think so on IT but no plumbers and sparks have much higher point counts unless you have a job lined up or have specific accreditation I have lots of experience over a very broad spectrum of skills (24 years worth) but not highly certified on one skill. Anyhoo couldn't go under present sitch although a long holiday would be nice
Edz, I also think you did well with the Hmm, not my sandbox attitude today. A few months ago, I think you would have been more agitated about that one. And I think it is an important factor for your sitch. Your W is responsible for her own R with her parents..
However, on the bad news front - whilst tomorrow should be lovely, it's going to rain over the weekend....
T :-)
Empire strikes back mode : on
Noooooooooooooooooooooooo
Empire strikes back mode : off
Good morning all.
Bright but some cloud here today, booooo.
Normal regime complete this morning, quick messenger to w to say will be round to feed and clean out wft (white furry thing) about 6 unless she tells me they're not going and to have a great weekend.
Other than that work today, will either go swimming tonight or save that for tomorrow depending on the weather. Also need to decide between steak and salad or home made burgers (we had meatballs last night as w had got them out of the freezer for s before realising he would be with me, she gave them to me to cook for us last night - made a nice tomato basil and garlic sauce with pene son wanted seconds but just gave him some from my plate instead) decisions, decisions.
This weekend as I mentioned will look into a minecraft server build for s and maybe some more house homemaking stuff and maybe that ginger beef v mentioned (mmmm).
Will update if anything exciting happens.
Have a good one peeps.
Edz
I really admire you for not staring the R talk!! It is beyond difficult to swerve that one sometimes! You are an absolute inspiration!!
Hi Cherry
Oh believe me its not easy to avoid it, you may have noticed some of us have nicknamed our internal voices that want to do things now or correct things Mr / Ms / Mrs Fixit.
My Mr Fixit rages at times that I should call / write / email but over time I've built a small creche for him and filled it with toys to keep him quiet
Its part of detaching, in no way does it mean I dont want w back but I aknowledge she needs to come back because she wants to and that I need to work on myself and her not throwing herself into reconciliation or going away (which would have had me in all sorts of a pickle 6 months ago) with mil/fil and son doesnt equate to never wanting to talk again.
Its not easy, it does come with time. Hang on in there Cherry from what I've read you're doing very well
I think my detaching is getting better but there is times that voice just breaks free and I say something.. Ugh. Training myself not to message in the day- I actually noticed he then messaged me.
Yes its very very difficult as all you want to do is talk it through and hope they will talk back. Its hard and counter-intuitive. If you look back at my threads its been a difficult thing for me to get the hang of and I sometimes fall down on it or go a little too far in replies or whats said.
Theres no hard rule though, its down to go with whats working without pursuing or pushing them further away by making them feeling suffocated.
Not easy especially at first, first 2 months in for me I was still very much as I was in that first post I made and only really opening up in counselling, only really the last couple of months Ive started to feel like me again but then I'd been in a horrible place in myself for quite a few years pre bd.
You're doing well Cherry focus on you and where you want to be, deal with H warmly and friendly and go from there
Edz
Practising the castle and picnic strategy.
Remember the squirrel too?
Pretty cool!
I would like to ask Fixit a question. I went to the electrical shop you mentioned and bought a 10tr wifi server. I have hundreds of CDs and DVDs which I will need to store but first I need to rip the CDs and save the films. The first I know how to do, but is there any resource I can use to do the same with my favourite DVDs. I own them so I just want to convert the format not steal anything. Is that possible Edz?
Any where I can learn about it? If this is against rules to say please don't.
Hi all
V I suggest you google vortexbox and see if your nas is one of the ones it works with makes everything much easier. As to illegal its a grey area its not illegal or unlawful to format shift but in some areas (the us) the DMCA makes it unlawful to break encryption which renders it all moot.
Mods if there are any issues feel free to amend this post but v I'd also suggest you look at makemkv which is free or look for articles on the lifehacker site on ripping
Separate post in case the mods feel they need to amend the above
Not long in after being out since 9
After a shower and other ablutions went and fed wft cleaned her litter etc then off to Southampton IKEA. Now bearing in mind I have a 2000 vw golf mkiv I got the following back to the house
2 60x120 desk tops
8 legs for the desks
1 full size wardrobe
1 storage unit (147x77cm)
4 storage bins
4 inserts for the storage unit
1 Leonardo folio trytych
1 laundry basket
A pizza cutter
A washing up brush
Oh
And a washing up brush for w this is an inside joke as she gets one every time she goes. This stuff was *heavy* very glad I've been doing some self lifting every morning!
As to w she's in deepest Devon where phone signals and WiFi are afraid to travel. She did text me to know they got there ok but even that didn't get here till 10 last night, much like light on the disk world! She's pinged me a couple of messages says no WiFi or 3g she's a little shakey s is apparently unplugged and in withdrawal
So broke the diet a little today to have a cheese cheeeeeese sandwich with piccalilli and orange juice as I was a little shakey after lugging that lot in and out of the car!
Off in a bit to do w a favour and drop off a next parcel for return (next is 2 minutes from me) and then I will be delving into the delights of moving furniture and building Swedish flat pack
Will catch up with you all later
Hi all
V I suggest you google vortexbox and see if your nas is one of the ones it works with makes everything much easier. As to illegal its a grey area its not illegal or unlawful to format shift but in some areas (the us) the DMCA makes it unlawful to break encryption which renders it all moot.
Mods if there are any issues feel free to amend this post but v I'd also suggest you look at makemkv which is free or look for articles on the lifehacker site on ripping
I fail to see anything that violates the TOS/Board Rules,
You agree to not post any messages that are defamatory, harassing, abusive, hateful, threatening, or otherwise offensive.
Your posts must be polite and considerate.
Do not post names, addresses, phone numbers, email addresses, or any confidential or private contact information.
You agree not to post any copyrighted material, photos, videos, book references, or links to other sites.
Enlighten me?
Hi cadet
I'm aware the board is registered in the us some boards play it very safe in the DMCA safe harbour provisions that they dont allow any discussion, linking or hinting to any way to backup or format shift music or movies you have legitimately bought.
In the uk and most countries discussion is perfectly ok but some boards as i say play it safe and I always respect the owners and those who run the environment
Edz, sounds like a busy one. I imagine you surrounded by cardboard and trying to use those IKEA instructions which just have diagrams and no text. You may be swearing as I write....
What's the project then? Are you setting up a work area at home?
Sounds like somehow it all came together for the holiday then. Poor S - no electronic devices! SS used to get 'grounded' from E devices occasionally, and I always noticed he seemed a lot happier without them. Enjoyed reading his books, playing with Lego and so on. It's no bad thing.
How long are they away for Edz, and do you have any other nice plans for the weekend??
T
Hi toots
You weren't far off. The project hmmm...do you remember I said I had lots of little ideas I wanted to try well some of that and also I've realised I was putting myself in a wait and see mode and making do a lot. Clothes all hanging off the back of a door are fine in college but not at my age, w said to me a while back I should get one of those canvas wardrobes!. Now while I know they are actually good at letting your clothes breathe and no offense to anyone with one but I want a proper (well as proper as MDF gets) one so got one from IKEA its in a very very heavy big flat pack box in the lounge I can lift it just but not up the stairs (it weighs about 180 lbs) so I'll open it tomorrow and build it in the bedroom ditto with a nice cube storage unit I got for the office to replace an overloaded billy bookcase which will move to the hall.
Today apart from travelling there and back and reassembling the car I took my office apart shut down my servers and music systems and decabled it then I pulled apart all the scrappy bits of furniture (and in some cases bits of wood) and built the two new desks, I also emptied all the bits I had still in scrappy cardboard boxes after moving that had been piled against the wall, I was quite brutal and threw a lot the rest went into some nice front accessible storage boxes I got and when everything was back up I stored them under the server desks looks so much better and these are the cheapy IKEA desks!
So my back yard has a load of stuff to go to the tip. I now have a very nice framed triptych of Leonardo drawings which will need some fixings but will go up. So tomorrow have the media cube unit (kallax 77 x 147) and thee wardrobe to build and if there's time a trip to the tip.
It's more making the house my home and not a waiting room if that makes sense. W when I mentioned some bits seems to be suprised I'd want to be at home, well what are my options then w? So off I went. Also got some little bits got a laundry bag to encourage s to put his washing in there (it will sit outside his room) and I just used my new pizza cutter for dinner lol.
Yes I think fil pushed mil into going im sorry can't talk about fil and why he's not stressed let's say there's medication I could have had involved and leave it at that, s will be fine he'll go native on rope swings and have fun.
Well I'm having a very spicy pizza for dinner along with a very potent viognier w got me for feeding wft and leading into a chill out.
Tomorrow will be the usual start, off to feed wft then it will be media unit build and wardrobe build then I'll see what time is left and if I can get to the tip to get rid of this scrappy stuff and if there's any time left in the day maybe a walk on the beach before I feed wft again and make dinner.
What you up to toots?
Haven't really thought about w, missed her and s especially coming back from IKEA as the route is the way I first followed her back to our first flat but nothing maudling. Just been getting on
Oh and toots they're back on Monday
Edz
Thanks, I am having a Tech afternoon later this week to get the hang of all this.
Another challenge, hope I am up to it.
V
Hi edz,
Hope you enjoying the flatpack adventure.
I remember the schoolboy wardrobe error of getting one that fits when its built (just) but is impossible to assemble because you need slightly more room to stand it up.
Glad your making your home your own. I think thats really important personally
have a good day/evening
Well good evening all
V any probs just shout!
Jim thanks I had already but I suppose was thinking too much again, what if ... W decides to move in what would I do with it all and a hundred other thoughts. Well if that happens its not likely to be soon and I want a home between now and then and only I am stopping me so off I went.
Toots all done!
So today up and the usual, went and fed wft back and built the storage unit for the office and moved everything into its new homes still a load of cable management to do but nothing visible just I know its there need to go through a load of the stuff I still have having moved it from a combination of breaking moving boxes and various bits of broken storage units lots dumped lots I imagine I can still get rid of in my new simplification persona!
With that done took my photo canvases down in the bedroom and built my wardrobe - that one was the hardest toots partly because of complexity but mostly lack of space to lay it out. Got that done and finally took everything off my ensuite door and into the wardrobe. Home for some other bits and the towels too.
Relocated the photo canvases and tidied the room, the bookcase from the office has been relocated to the hall and I relocated the power socket via a trailer socket so I can still use it for hoovering.
With that done sorted the understairs storage (80% I need some more bits and to get rid of a couple of big mirrors that no one on any sale site wants and I haven't had time to take to the local charity furniture shop). Then a trip to the local recycling centre to get rid of half a ton of cardboard, polystyrene, the remnants of a heavy old work desk that doesn't work in a smaller house - and was wobbly - and old broken boxes and storage crates.
Washed the car and brushed bft then off and fed wft, changed her litter then home and finally put in the fixings to put up the nice Leonardo devinci framed sketches artwork, sorted out my tools and put them away and cleaned up and hoovered through.
So just need to find the energy to get up and cook dinner for myself then a nice bath this evening and that will be the weekend!
Tomorrow will be an early out to go and feed wft before work and then on with the week.
A busy old time!
Well, you have been a busy bee haven't you? It's great to get things like that sorted. And good that you had been 'holding' on it for a little while, but as you say - best to move forward 'as if.' It's only a few pieces of furniture after all.
It's been bothering me that I never responded to your 'stark bathroom' post. Because that's right up my street. Did you get your bathroom sorted? If not, you may want to think about adding some colour and texture. Fluffy towels and a nice bath mat. Nice man products. If you use soap, get a few nice bars and put them in a dish. If you have natural daylight, a plant is nice...maybe a canvas on a non-tiled wall.
All sounding good with you anyway Edz. If you remember back to a month or so ago, you sound in a much better place than you were then. And hopefully that flaky yoga teacher will be back next week, and you can get started on that.
Have a good evening
Good morning all.
A rather bad night unfortunately, didnt get to sleep until 4:30ish due to a stomach issue (reflux) and up at 7 to get out and feed wft before work.
Did briefly consider a duvet day but decided no get on with the day. Catching up on emails then mid morning I'll grab 30 minutes for a quick shower and spruce myself up, skipped the exercises today due to the above and the fact I lugged lots of heavy stuff around all weekend.
W and S heading back this morning so no wft feeding this evening, not sure I'll see them or not. Texted w to say let me know if theres any issue and I'll feed wft, she's been fed and her litter cleaned this morning. W just replied heading back this morning so left it at that.
Feel a bit low this morning, probably more lack of sleep than sitch but Im sure its in there somewhere. Feeling urchk seems to reinforce there's noone to make it better I suppose, ah well.
Tempting fate but made some coffee as I need the caffeine more, have had some OJ first thing for the sugar and stomach seems fine this morning, not sure what triggered that made a very nice griddled steak and salad last night but did have bread which I eat sparsely nowadays, suppose it could have been that.
Anyway, on with the day. The weather is matching my mood with mostly cloud but the odd break with blue skies beyond
Cheers all
Oh and Toots thanks for the Bathroom ideas, got a nice Ikea bathmat the previous visit, its not a huge room but I'd like to get some bits that wont be impacted by moisture etc.
Any advice on plants that are low maintenance and would thrive, the only place is the windowledge which gets indirect sun and doesnt get too hot. Looking into some "basket" style things to put on there too to add some colour (as with most rental houses using artwork, furniture and furnishings to add colour to an ocean of white and beige!).
Well good afternoon all
And yes its a lovely sunny one here in Dorset today, been busy with work and a few other projects.
So yesterday repaired an old macbook and sourced a Roland Midi input music keyboard from Gumtree for £5 (needed some repair on the USB board but only took 10 minutes) so got the macbook sorted with Garageband and set up in the new office so there's a nice platform to start learning / playing keyboard and sequencing again (another on my little stuff I'd like to do list).
W and S back as expected, some awful driving experienced from fil apparently but a good weekend had otherwise I believe. My joke pressie was laughed about although apparently candles should have been purchased
Other than that w was telling me about s and his love of the recliner chairs they had there and his playing minecraft pocket at every opportunity. W said am I taking him swimming (today) said no problem if he's not too tired, w said come and pick him up, I almost always do this so I said well pop him round then I don't need to swing by in rush hour (wont hurt to see the changes in the house - whahahaha evil laugh twirly moustache) so, ahem, yes...
Other than that Ive been having some issues with my hands - think its all the work around the house and swimming (chlorine) but they've been very dry and cracking so got myself some hand repair cream which seems pretty good and isn't fragranced (makes me sneeze and have allergies to some of them).
Had had an awful night on Sunday as I mentioned so was shattered by bedtime and after reading for 10 minutes was out. Really good sleep and although reluctant to get up (and finding a very asleep BFT draped on the bed) dragged myself up and on with the day this morning.
Pushing through the workload (in my new home office which is much much better for my stress levels than the chaos of the makeshift stuff and boxes jammed everywhere) enjoying the sun and the fact whatever was going on with my digestion seems to have passed now.
I'm in my slim fit t shirts now which feels ....odd.... after wearing billowing or "wide" fit tops for years having clothes that are *supposed* to be a little clingy is odd and a little disconcerting.
Got the media player on mix mode and a large glass of water and feeling pretty good today, catch up with everyones sitches later.
Edz
Oh and fresh sheets day today so BFT locked out of the bedroom! She is sulking in her sleep on the sofa.
Checking in, edz! Sounds like you have been super busy and I like it. It is looking good on you, my friend.
I am super impressed with all the stuff you were able to get in your vehicle! I feel like I can get more in mine now. I am taking loads of stuff that XH left to local thrift stores and I have a load in my car now, but I'm feeling inspired to try and get even more in.
Hi Dawn
thanks feeling very positive about myself (as opposed to sitch which I try to see as separate now) yes, got a lot in there, why I like the (old) mark 4 golf over the newer ones, put the rear seat down and yo can get big packages in there, I did measure what would fit BEFORE I went into Ikea which, it appeared, was not the case in a lot of peoples cases. Two or three people looking baffled including, I kid you not, a couple with a 180cm flat pack looking in bafflement at a fiat punto as if it would magically stretch or perhaps be bigger inside than out (Firat Tardis Punto maybe).
Having said that I did drive home as if I was in a clown car with the seat forward which, considering Ikea is ~30 miles from me, wasnt the most fun experience - my car is, as the americans say, a stick shift so this was an additional challenge. "Oh No, I need second gear!".
But yes managed it
W just dropped s around so will be getting the swimming gear sorted momentarily (just been finishing up some emails while he has a blast on the ps3) and once rush hour traffic subsides will be off to the pool. S found the new midi keyboard in the office and was having a pick at it, seems to like music so I've emailed w saying does she want my yamaha mini keyboard (had it since my teens but the keyboard is midi sized and I'm not so cant "finger" properly - steady you lot!) for his bedroom at the flat as its in my (new!) wardrobe at the moment not being much use to anyone.
We had a small chat but she seems a bit preoccupied and was fretting the flat is a mess (s is 10 so leaves his room like you'd expect a 10 year old boy does - lego explosion but I believe she does indulge his messiness a little as he's not like that here - although his room is much smaller) also MIL/FIL have dumped a lot of their stuff thats not in storage in w's front room and a load of non perishable foods on her kitchen floor in boxes. W makes that rod for her own back of course and I am staying a hundred miles from it.
Other than that she was showing me some pics she'd taken (and s had taken) on her phone and chatting about the weekend and how s had been. She said every time she sees the place Ive been spending more money (sarcasm) but liked the hall, she didnt want to come up to the office when I retrieved her portable hard drive (she'd asked for some bits off our media server) and I wasnt about to push, I don't need validation like that I know its nice and I like it in my home
Felt happy and confident and calm around her today, feel I looked good in my new top, w did not of course comment on anything but thats not the point - I like to think she's noticed and that gives me a boost as well.
Anyway what was odd is although she wanted to get going (and I do not try to get her to stay just give her the option of more coffee etc and carefully watch body language as this was a failing of mine previously) so I said fine no problems let me know when she's popping by to pick s up tomorrow and I'll have him ready then she kept slowing down, first at the kitchen door then going into the lounge to speak to s then again in the hall then we chatted at the door for a good 10 minutes before she went. Didnt hang at the door and wave or go in the kitchen etc just let her go. Probably interesting but her old habit of backing out of the doorway as soon as possible seems to have gone with me.
Anyhoo need to extract a 10 year old from a ps3 and get the swimming gear and make a move, pizza when we get back tonight
Catch you all later
Edz
Smiling at the thought of Edz and a car full of IKEA.
V
All it needed was some 70s sitcom music and it could have been something out of the plank (if you remember that one v)
Hi Edz, just catching up on threads, and glad to hear you are doing okay.
Good that you are seeing the sitch as more separate - and not completely central to your life. Things sound pretty steady with W. And as you say - even though she doesn't mention the new top, she notices I bet.
Just a comment on what she said about you spending money on the flat...either, she may feel sensitive about you getting all settled....or maybe she's just worried about funds...
Is it yoga night??
Well, that was a day and a half.
So texted w this morning to ask what time she was coming to get s. Originally it was to be 10:30 so no problem woke him up at 8:15 and made his breakfast and then got on with work. Realised I didnt have a lot of his HE stuff so while I was on calls built a new virtual server here and set up a sync system. Texted w to bring her laptop with her.
Anyway she replied at about 10 to say it would possibly be a little later, said no problem let me know so I can give s lunch if its going to be beyond then. Lunchtime came so made s some soup and a roll. He turned to me and said I love you daddy you are so kind (at which point I did need to excuse myself - after a suitable hug as you'd imagine) didnt tell w this for reasons that will become clear, I got rather distracted.
So w arrived about 1 and made her a coffee, was a little stewed for her (I'd run the filter machine at about 12:30) so gave her a soft drink, I had some pizza left over from yesterday so she had that as well. We started to talk (s was playing minecraft in the living room) and she started to get emotional. I wont go into the full conversation but among much emotion and crying she held my hand and told me she does miss me, she sees things and places and wonders is it something I would like to or like to go to. She's frightened, not only of how her mum will react (although I said in my opinion she wont go she wouldn't want to lose contact with s which w agreed with) I did not proffer answers (on this or anything unless we discussed specifics) I listened, validated and in her mums case just said that she should ask herself who's life she wants to lead she agreed, I've said this, friends have, recently friends have said so (turns out the wow friend was dead against her leaving and couldnt believe it had happened, she's been a staunch supporter of mine since - who knew?) and we moved on, she is scared of what happens if we don't work - if she cant make it work from her perspective - how trapped she would feel this time.
I simply said I would hope that now she thinks she could talk to me before that happened and that communication would need to be the core of us in future if we got back together, daily, weekly, monthly ongoing as a couple and a family. She said yes she feels that way too now. She said she cant promise where she is heading, if we can go where I want to but in the middle of a conversation she stood up (we were sitting in the kitchen) walked over to me and pulled me into a hug, lifted my head and kissed me, she said she cant promise where this means we're heading, I simply said I only ask she promises me she will keep talking to me throughout she said she wants the same.
We talked a lot more, I'm not fooling myself she's committed to trying again yet - she needs to work on what she wants and things *have* to be her decision before the real work can start, something she acknowledged, that I'm not pushing or telling her what to do which she is clearly angry with her mother for continually doing, she seemed rather hostile to her even saying she never learns her lesson with her mother (I think in connection to the current housing issue - I'm not going there as I've said, I only care on impact on s & w I can (presently) help with the former but w must work the latter out for herself.
She and s were heading out to meet with friends at the beach while, unfortunately, I needed to catch up with work I'd put on hold as talking to her was more important.
There were other positive moves from her side as well. Nothing concrete yet and whilst its taking all my will Im not allowing expectations to run wild, I have faith Im not friend zoned anyway, but I certainly feel less like we're only going to be a memory, w is certainly missing me by her own admission - not for what I can do but for the me I was before I faced inward and that he's re-emerging now.
This evening we've been on email I've booked s into a coding day on saturday and we've tested the new sync system (I drop in a file on my server and it appears on her laptop and vice versa encrypted both ways for protection) so I can have his HE info while he's with me and anything useful I find w can have there.
Have to admit I feel calm this evening, I've been at this too long now to let myself go further but w did open up more today and her unbidden embrace and kiss did wonders for my commitment to standing.
As I said missing out a lot here as I'm still processing some of it, some of it really I don't need to put down here. Just wanted to let those of you who've stood with me this far know, its been a hell of a day.
Edz
Hi Toots,
nope begining yoga still on hold maybe next week, if not may book into the pilates and try that. To be honest after today was probably a little to befuddled to concentrate.
The spending money was more jokey and I think a little defensive on the fact (sounding big headed) the place really is looking homeyer every time she comes round, her flat is presently overwhelmed with her parents stuff that isnt in storage in almost every room and a garage she cant get in (for the beach stuff for example) as her father put the contents of his garage in there and jammed it full.
As I've said, a battle I cant fight for her. I wouldnt have let them do it and she knows that but it may be best this has happened to show her the truth of her relationship with her mother without me anywhere in the picture.
Well thats quite something.
You did well looking at what you've said.
More of the same from you I think.
Thanks Jim
The listening, validating and not jumping in just feels natural now, think w appreciates that change in me far more than the physical changes (which she also commented on - people all around her rebuilding themselves and looking wonderful - were her words)
I shall, as I keep saying, keep on keeping on
Really pleased for you Edz and you were perfect. Im sitting here buzzing for you. Edz is walking through a minefield and he's almost to the other side Take extra care at this time Edz , this is the really dangerous part.
Sending positive thoughts mate. Take care. Rd
Thanks rd
I will.
I'm under no illusions though; if, *BIG IF*, w wants to try, there's a hell of a lot of hard work from that point on and I can never let myself slip back for myself, s or w (I will not let depression get that grip on me again).
Its a hard job I have no compunction in taking on if she's willing though.
Oh by the way if anyone hasnt dealt with depression, the illustrated book "I Had A Black Dog" by Matthew Johnstone is one of the best I've seen at attempting to put it into a context people can understand, I got it in case s has any questions as he could understand and we could talk about it.
He's accepted "new" daddy as my actions so it hasnt come up but its there if he asks.
Thanks again
Stay Cool Edz.
Remember the picnic and castle strategy. It's working for you.
Big hug smile and cuddle for BFT.
V
Morning Edz....
Really pleased to see how things are moving in your sitch. And like the others say - I think more of the same is needed from you. I think patience and continuing with your own growth and progress is important.
Also, it's possible your W may feel vulnerable/scared and pull back again somewhat. But if we look at this as pendulum swings, they are certainly swinging further towards a possible R.
The other thing I want to say is that your W may well have some 'lifting' to do. Things you have mentioned like R's with MIL, focusing on S 24/7 and so on...
It's early days, but travelling in a good direction I think.....good for you!
T x
Thanks V, Toots
BFT had an early morning snuggle in snoring at me and leaving me to dig out the sticky roller later on the duvet cover (another BFT brushing session is needed methinks!)
Toots wouldn't be at all surprised and I wont push or prod at her, I allowed myself a minor action that could have been pursuit, yesterday one of the things that came up was that I used to say goodnight without fail every night no matter where I was, so last night (and only last night) I emailed her just to say...goodnight
Today back on the warmly standing without pursuit, no intention of chasing her up unless she contacts me or we hit tomorrow to discuss the weekend with s.
W said that at no point ever did I let her down in the marriage it was my rejecting the world, dissapearing into myself and dealings with s (and, I imagine my appearance and lack of care for myself although that was unsaid) that drove her away.
Throughout the course of yesterdays conversations both MIL and s 24/7 came up, this wasnt exhaustive. W started by saying she wanted to arrange a time where s couldnt hear so he wouldnt be upset as lots that we need to talk about could be emotional. Then she began crying and we talked. S is, for want of a better term, detaching from w. He is into his games, reading and solo pursuits and w sees the toddler slipping away. The sitch is playing a part and he smiles less but oddly seems happier around me, the "break" of school isnt there so w and s are together all the time if he's not with me and I think the growing s is trending towards puberty and the sullen aura that surrounds us in those years. W feels very alone and I think is now seeing what we had before my depression caused her to pull away and be with s all the time. We discussed that even in a new relationship I would have time with s to give her alone time that she wants and very badly needs to find who she is, she would do the same and we would do things together as a family and just as a couple, this is exactly what she says she always wanted and wants (she is *not* ready yet).
MIL, ah MIL, no idea Toots. If plans dont fall apart then MIL/FIL are moving ~280 miles away which would absolutely be the best thing for w. Anything else has to come from w, I said I'm here for her to talk to, or she can seek out a friend she trusts or find a good councillor but ultimately all her close friends and I have said the same thing. She views everything, every action, decision and choice as "what will my mum think?" and unless she's planning on (being blunt) waiting it out until she dies, she needs to make a stand regardless of whether we reconcile or not. W brought this up and recognises it, I dont know if she's strong enough yet to take an action.
And, ladies and gents, isn't that what it's all about
And once more, up, showered, looking my best and getting on with getting on
Went out for a walk in the sunshine at lunchtime (just to the local shopping area - spending £1000s in my head on new sofas
-- back to work this afternoon.
Didnt call, email or text w - just got on with the day.
She called 15 minutes ago asking could I help her out, s has got her to get a canvas for his wall there and she cant hang it (dont think she trusts fil and he's had a cold - besides I think she'd like it done before s leaves home to go to work and not at a jaunty angle).
Created a small dilemma, this *really* is w's responsibility I dont like doing things on the flat as its a symbol of us being apart (and I have my own place).
But, this is for s apart from being petty I dont feel refusing to do it would show she "fired" me as H and now she needs to do it, especially in the light of yesterdays discussions where I said I wanted to be there for her (NB in a relationship not as friend zone) and - importantly - she also said there's wine involved so I'm wondering is it also partially an excuse to bring me around there (probably not, she knows she doesnt need one unless its to excuse it to herself).
Anyway, overanalysis apart yes I'll do it, w has a damaged shoulder and chronic back pain and if she tries to do it may end up in hospital and its for s. My feelings on "her" flat need to be parked, if we reconcile it wont be this week, who knows if it will be this year (if at all) and it passes the "would I do this for a neighbour?" test (yes, definitely if there was wine
)
Trying to adapt the responses to w's actions and comments and behaviours (while still keeping believe nothing said half of what's done) this is possibly fiddlier than before we started talking! (joke)
So off to the shops shortly for some bits and bobs then off to the flat. I am not expecting more deep conversation or anything else (beyond wonky walls and a glass of wine).
Update later.
You would do this for a friend or neighbour with a child and a bad shoulder wouldn't you?
Well I would. Edz would do a much better job than V!
V
Hi Edz. I think your right to do it as your W is coming forward and as a famous vet on here says , do what works. Also with Ws back issues its a no brainer
Take care. Rd
Yup those where my thoughts too guys, as you say rd w has come a little toward me. All done both canvases (yes s had picked two) and a vinyl Minecraft decoration put up for her.
Got a glass of vino and w stretched a chicken curry shed made to three so got dinner too.
Spent a few nice hours there, read to s while he had his bath and we watched some TV. After s was settled in bed (no drama this time he was perfect at bedtime) stayed 30 mins or so but w mentioned she wanted to have a bath so made sure to make my exit at my suggestion and with no stress. Kissed her hand but didn't push for hugs, w is dropping s around tomorrow as she's off to a charity dinner with friends. If the weather holds we may be having a family picnic on the beach on sunday but not counting on it it'd be nice but if it happens it happens.
Swimming tomorrow with s and his coding lesson Saturday afternoon. Another busy one by the looks of it!
On the subject of the flat w did say to me she appreciates me doing it and i shouldn't read anything into it re being separate to me she just needs space right now, just validated and got on with the jobs in hand.
I'm glad I did it, was the right thing. Maybe not a few weeks back but now absolutely even if it wasn't for s which it was its helped her made him happy and made her happy at no cost to me or to the sitch I can possibly think of (she's not moving back any time soon even in my wildest dreams) and I had a nice evening and dinner.
I think its an odd boundary moment adapting what works from staying fairly dim (not dark) and allowing distance to figuring out what's currently comfortable contact for her and adapting as I go. Best judgement wellies on and best foot forward really.
Have a good one all.
Afternoon everyone,
not much to report in today. Good nights sleep up this mornign normal exercises, did some housework and mopped the floors and then showered and morning ablutions before work.
Nothing from w yet but not expecting anything till late afternoon when she brings s around, I believe the dinner she was going to has been cancelled so not sure what she's up to. Welcome to stay for dinner but that's her call - one of the things we discussed was that she likes being on her own but then does nothing with the time which frustrates her.
Anyway will be swimming with s then depending on what time we get back see whats happening this evening (most likely building up a laptop for s to use at the coding day (scratch) tomorrow.
Weather is back to being meh which is a bit of a downer but mostly ok today, nice feeling having the house clean and tidy next week will do some cabling work in the office and get rid of a bit more clutter which is now at least out of sight in proper storage but really needs sorting into I do need this every day, sometimes, in an emergency and "why am I still carting this around?". The latter is going to the tip or ebay if its worth anything.
Updates later guys
Edz
Well w dropped s off, seemed very quiet but I dont prod anymore just let her be, she'd had coffee while out with s so didnt stay long, she said she was just very tired as she hasnt been sleeping too well and just wants to finish the housework off and then unplug. Said no problems go relax and I'll speak to her tomorrow and let her go.
As I said, genuinely didn't think she'd want to stay for dinner but the standing invitation is there. I'm ok we had dinner together as the three of us last night and may spend time together on Sunday depending on the weather and how w is. A part of me would love it if she said actually yes I'd love to spend time here but I have to be realistic and things are going in a good direction at the moment, just need to dig down into the patience reserves a little more (I'm also tired after a busy week).
Anyhoo s is having some time on a game while I finish off emails and the conference calls this afternoon then swimming and pizza.
Catch you all later.
Morning all
Lovely day here if very windy.
Busy evening last night, swimming with s then making dinner and then when he was tucked up in bed rebuilding a laptop for his coding taster day later today. About 2 by the time I crashed out in bed, crawled up the stairs went in and tucked s in and got a small voice daddy can I have a glass of water so back down I went
Slept well up and morning ablutions and getting ready, made home made croissants and just chilling before we head out.
Nothing from w besides a few fb posts last night. That's fine though she should work out what she wants to do and then come back to me. May be doing something tomorrow all together if she's up to it as we discussed the other day. If not s and I will pick something to do together hopefully the sun will last through the weekend anyway
Later all.
Evening all
son is in the bath, been a busy day with s going to a coding experience day and enjoying himself ('wow' friend and son where there as well) he really got into the game making side and enjoyed himself.
He was tired this afternoon though and went for a lie down for a little while when we got back. Made gammon, chips peas and eggs but he had a minor wobble this evening being rather emotional but we had a talk and he seems better now.
W had called while I was making dinner etc (phone had ended up on silent somehow) then texted saying given up ringing now. Called back and w said she has a nice leg of lamb and trimmings in why dont we all eat together tomorrow, seemed to immediately fret and say just food, she's got too much in. So said that would be lovely, dont worry it sounds like a lovely dinner.
Beach is still happening for s and I w is thinking and will let me know in the morning if she wants to come along.
So thats a nice development.
Anyway have to get s out of the bath before he becomes a prune.
Will catch up later.
Edz
What is a coding experience day. I did try googling it but got some weird answers.
Guess it is something to do with programming? But games?
Trust lamb and trimmings went well. Prunes go well with lamb make a lovely gravy.
V
Hi v its a series of free days to introduce kids to computer coding using the scratch environment. S built his first maze game guiding a knight through a maze to reach a dragon (s changed his to be a ghost) good fun and he enjoyed it.
Busy day - mine all seem to be which is good.
W was disappointed with her cooking saying it wasn't one of her best but s and I enjoyed it and the cheesecake she made. We had a nice afternoon together another hug and kiss and I then took s down to the beach to throw the ball around while w stayed at the flat.
Now going along with s to a history day at the cathedral tomorrow at WS request (booked the day not playing hookie) so will see them again tomorrow.
W still seems conflicted holding and kissing me but it's clear she still has concerns about us getting back together. Just need to take it slowly and one day at a time.
So read to s while he had his bath and again at bed time when I tucked him in and then headed back here to the bft and a chill out before bed time.
So yes good day, carrying on carrying on still but feel good about myself and the sitch seems positive, trying to give w space and time as a default and the time were together is as a result of her inviting me or suggesting we spend it together.
No guarantees no timescales and I try to have controlled expectations. W has moved toward me but isnt ready for more yet but clearly likes my company and doesnt appear to be friend zoning me.
There is nothing more I can hope for at the moment, time and patience is the next move and meantime more work on me.
Hi Edz - all sounds good - hugs and kisses....wow! I think you're approaching things the right way. Mr Cool - no pushing. I also think it's good to keep having your own plans and moving forward yourself - keep that cake baking in the oven..
Did yoga go ahead last week?
Good for you - enjoy the cathedral today!
((Edz))
Lots of RDs stars.
And how is BFT?
Also do they do those days for big kids like V?
V
Well good morning everyone
Was a busy day yesterday so by the time I eventually stopped put the Tv on and fell asleep on the sofa so no updates.
This morning usual start exercised etc and work started, BFT fed V (she's a very happy BFT right now as Ive switched her from ham and chicken to tuna - the eco-friendly one costs about the same as cat food - and cat vitamin oils) and started work.
Lovely sunny one down here again today as was yesterday.
The coding day is, I believe, open to all ages V its through Barclays a good Google should pick it up
It uses the child-friendly "blocks" approach in scratch (this generations replacement for Logo if you remember that) you may want to check some of the coding courses on Lynda.com though if you fancy a more adult oriented introduction to coding
So yesterday usual start, washed the car ready then went and picked up some bottled water for the trip and change for the park and ride. Went over and picked up w & s and we had a nice car trip, w brought up lots of places we had been before, that we nearly bought houses in etc which seemed a good sign and s was brilliantly behaved in the car.
We caught the park and ride and had a look around the town and lunch in a nice little restaurant (diet didn't do well yesterday but back on black coffee today) s had a minor meltdown that he wanted to get a game from the gaming store there but kept cool and calm with him, w left me to it while she excused herself and we then worked with him together to bring him around while we walked to the cathedral.
At the event he was great and engaged enjoying it (he has an interest in architecture and history). W and I chatted about how he was doing and a couple of points she touched on her not being "there" yet. Afterwards we made good on the promise to s and got him his game and then grabbed a coffee in Costa before getting the park and ride.
It was a great day, a very interesting tour and I took some nice pics of both the cathedral, w and s (just on my phone - I have no intention of being "the guy behind the camera" right now unless photography is a reason to be going somewhere) made sure I stayed with s & w as well - old days of rushing ahead or simply being "along for the ride" instead of with them are long gone and no longer welcome!
Drive home was lovely as well, nice drive on a sunny day with s & w everyone seemingly happy. W does not want to deal with MIL right now, and MIL was at the flat putting some of the dropped off contents in the loft, w texted she wasn't there though the car is (she didn't want to being me into it). So we went on and picked up some odds and ends and went back to my place so s could play his new game.
Made s some pasta with cheese and w & I spicy pork with spicy rice and peppers for dinner along with some wine (only a glass for me as I knew I'd be driving) and we had a good opportunity to talk more.
Again w opened up, a lot I wont go into here some I'd known some I hadn't about her being ill after s was born, about how she'd been hurt by me being stressed with him from a long time ago and then about the spiral we'd got into. We discussed how well we're now getting along not just as friends but as companions and what we can do from here. W is still scared, of what her mum will do if we get together and mostly what happens if I should revert to my old behaviour if we got together.
I validated and made clear that I have no intention of going back on anything, I like this me and I hadn't been happy, fit or well for a long time. I also made it clear I don't say I'm fault free because I had / have / am dealing with my depression I own those actions I made to ensure I learn from them. Lots of skirting discussions on how some things would work, W even joked she'd just painted s's room.
I made it clear of everyone in her life I am the one who has no desire to push, pressure or in any way make things harder for her and what if anything happens next is up to her.
We both agree we couldn't have continued how we were, w decided to tell me she'd had no intention of dating or seeing anyone else she'd been cajoled by friends who wanted her to try dating to see how she felt but refused, much like my friends with me they wanted her on dating sites but she acted much as I did. If we'd not got to where we are she wouldn't have been interested in approaching it for at least a year. I just let her talk, listened and validated and we joked that neither of us was interested in what our friends had been saying, turns out both sets of friends had recommended clubbing and speed dating which we;d independently thought oh god no! to. No offense I know a lot of people really like both, w's friend is an extrovert as are friends of mine they love both but we're more people who would love to go to places, wine tasting, chheeeeeese nights etc. W said she would really love us to do these things together, she's also invited me along to a friends holiday place in June along with s (she joked its the week of our anniversary) not reading anything bar separate beds into that but said I would be delighted to come along. We'll see what happens.
Again a very brief summary, some of it was personal to w, how she had felt over a long period, issues she had faced and how she'd made big mistakes unloading on her mum leaving her a hill to climb insofar as her reaction to a reconciliation and there was too much to go into in detail.
By 8'ish I took her and s back to the flat so she could feed wft and get s to bed, I just dropped them off as we agreed that would be least disruptive to s after a busy day and would mean an easier bedtime for him.
I'll be taking s swimming tonight so will pick him up after work.
All in all a good day, some good communication (which we agree was where everything went pear shaped with w feeling she had tried talking to me before but I hadn't been listening unlike now) w said in July August the idea of where we are now would have been laughable to her but we're continuing.
So I shall keep on keeping on, validating, being open and honest (nothing I say or do is any kind of fake it till you make it anymore, its all just me) and we'll see.
It does become harder to keep expectations in check as we progress but I'm aware we could hit bumps, w could pull back to reconsider or be scared or could decide that the "whole new life" she had and still has the opportunity to have could be without me (I had pointed out in discussion when she raised "a whole new life" that that is exactly what we would have going forward I do not want any kind of re-run of the way we all were, none of us were happy for a long time - she accepted that) or with me.
Meantime work, swimming and a walk to get some photos printed today. Meatballs and chilli for dinner tonight.
Yoga cancelled I'm afraid Toots so I'm signing for a beginners pilates class instead.
Catch up with you all soon
All sounds good Edz. Glad you had a good day - and still lots of positives with your W. Important just to go with the flow as you say. No need to press forwards - just take your time..
Shame about yoga. I've never tried pilates, but people love it. I was chatting to an older lady at swimming who goes to zumba and loves it. I may give that a try. I had no idea what it was, but had visions of 20 somethings in lycra - but if she goes, I'm sure I'll be ok.
Hope you've had a good day. I just posted that our very elderly black and white FT will be coming to join me soon...
Yay for bawft!
Hi toots just finished dinner picked s up about 5:30 s was waiting so no interaction with w which is fine, s was a little cranky at first think he was a little tired and in sedentary mode but got him moving by the end. Home made s pene with tomato and meatballs made me the meatballs with tagletele and a tomato and chilli sauce with a fresh baked (from freezer) roll. Wine for me squash for him were just watching some TV before he heads for bed got to be up early (for him normal for me) as he has the dentists first thing and I'm meeting w there before work.
Zumba (dancing in general) isn't me as I have nerve damage and pins in my leg and although I can follow music (picking up keyboard again) this body is more built to wield a soldering iron or sledgehammer than boogie! Having said that there are classes at the sports centre and I dont know if its the area but the attendees range from the (as you say) 20 something's in nearly not there Lycra to 60 something's seems to appeal to a wide range.
Pilate's appeals as like yoga its slow and a wide experience range, well see it starts second week of may
Take it easy toots
Hi Edz. As Toots said all good , can I just add , take it easy , this will work out for you by the look of it. You seem to be saying a lot to W about you Your actions are what has her coming towards you , not words I'm just reminding you mate
Positive thoughts Edz. Looking very good to me.
Take care. Rd
Thanks all.
Hi Rd, yes as you say very much actions. Funny enough w and I got into a talk on that (she was saying how actions carry more weight talking about her and MIL) we said its very much least is intention middle is talking most is action and ultimately consistant action (remind anyone of anything we follow here?)
My post was a very condensed version as we spoke in vignettes in the day and for 2 hours or so solid in the evening and obviously we'd spent nearly 10 hours together as the three of us on Monday so she saw my behaviours with s, with her and just being me. Absolutely right though I'm not getting into waffly talks or promises just talking.
Definitely not counting on anything though and although anyone can correct me if Im reading it wrong but we're a way away from piecing yet as w hasnt committed to coming back only to not ruling it out, at least in what she's saying even if her actions (IMHO) lean more toward that being the case.
Indeed s stayed last night and I had a bit of a mad dash to get him up, fed, teeth brushed, ready and to the dentist (which is 1/4 mile from the flat but ~2 miles from here in rush hour traffic). Got there about 2 mins late this morning and met up with w, couldnt stay as I had to get back to start work. I got back home and was just getting online when my phone rang and w said "dentist is off sick" which prompted some humour!
Anyway w and s were going to costa but came over to me instead. Rearranged my diary and s had 45 minutes on lego game while I made w some breakfast and coffee. We had a nice chat, not r today just what she watched on TV while I had s last night (Game of Thrones included), what s's been up to and day to day bits, it was nice sitting at the table in the sunny kitchen (I love the light in this place in the morning). Also gave her information I picked up after a discussion we had the other day, low / no impact workout programmes for dealing with chronic back conditions run at the leisure centre so she can take a look into it.
Anyhoo w and s headed off now for ice skating, she's not too well right now and nervous about a hospital appointment tomorrow (wont go into it but she may be knocked a bit by it, connected to her back) s being dropped off here tomorrow to work through some maths while she goes (friend is taking her, I had offered but she'd rather I looked after s) w may then be coming here if she's a little under the weather afterwards but didnt confirm yet said no problem its entirely up to her, I'll look after s.
So yes, ticking along, keeping the expectations damped down but the hope is bright right now without making me distracted or driving me mad. Mr Fixit still grumbles and wants to "do" things, wants to build her a music server for the flat etc but I help out with things I'd do for a neighbour or for s or because its a nice thing to share.
I get the impression she's torn at the moment between having time alone then wondering what on earth to do with it (her words) and ending up doing not much bar TV and candy crush or moving on with us which creates a set of challenges such as her relationship with her mum.
Ultimately I'm here, I *am* getting on but I'm standing for the marriage and to build a new relationship, a stronger one based on communication and our enjoyment of each other as companions not just friends and what we then build on that going forward. But, yes, w is setting the speed.
Other than that its a lovely (if a little chilly in the shade) day, friend contacted me to say a friend of his (who he did a web site for) had sadly passed away so helped out by taking the site down off the server for him, shopping later for groceries and not sure this evening - maybe just a chill out after several busy ones or maybe a bath
Anyhoo back on with work.
Cheers all.
Hi Edz. Really sounding good for !Edz and his family Keep being the new improved Edz and W will most definitely be a fool if she doesn't come back to you.
Take care. Rd
Sounds like things are going well, edz. I am happy for you. I hope things continue to go your way. I am so impressed with the way you handle yourself now. You have certainly grown through all of this. Kind of a crappy way to learn lessons, but the end result seems to be a stronger edz, at least from the outside looking in.
Well good morning all
its an overcast one here Im afraid but never mind.
Busy again (istnt it always) w has an appointment to see about her back today so went round to pick s up before work this morning. He had some breakfast but is very tired today after a lot of physical activity yesterday so he's having a snooze before I settle him down for some maths.
So last night did the major shopping since the store cupboard had been run down and then picked up a network laser printer I found for £5 on Gumtree (it will cost many times that to get it fixed up with toner but its a project and I need something to help with s's work sheets)
W was out with "wow" friend and son down at the beach, they got back at 9 and w called me to ask can I pick s up this morning (instead of her dropping him off in rush hour) she's dropped him round a few times so no worries, I'd be up anyway. We had a good chat on the phone - nothing really r related, maybe periphery - she was tired but we were joking with each other, she said she was heading for bed several times and I said no problem sleep well and I'll see you tomorrow but she wanted to stay on the call. It was nice to chat with her before bed.
This morning I knew she was nervous about today so offered my hand to hold and was pulled into a hug she has an invite to come around here afterwards if she's feeling a bit ugh or needs someone to keep an eye on her or help, she also knows no issues if she just goes home - I'll look after s and sort his meals until she picks him up again.
So that's today, another call heavy one think I'll skip taking s swimming as he's complaining of pains in his legs (think he strained muscles doing parcour) home made burgers for tea I think depending on whether w is here (I also have some nice salmon in)
So thats Edz, keeping on keeping on...
PS. Toots thanks for the call out in your thread, you know that I trademarked that right?
(is the royalty cheque in the post
) I do accept cheeeeeeesecake as payment (though its bad for the waistline
)
Cheers all
Hi rd and Dawn
Rd, trying my friend definitely trying. I think I now identify what were my issues, no not everything but the depression stopped me seeing what was happening to a large extent. No idea if I'll ever be "cured" of that but I can 'be' now which I think makes all the difference. We shall see
Dawn, isnt it though?! I've been through some interesting times including losing my mother when I was in my twenties (she was in her 40s) but this last 9 months (are the t-shirts still in the post Toots?) have been the worst/most trying/ground changing I've been through. Ultimately I'm coming out this end as a much lighter (physically and mentally burdened) person with a better view of whats important, a working loving relationship with my son and - I hope - a chance at putting together a relationship with my wife which will stay solid (no expectations still there for my own sake).
As I said I now (with the curse/gift of time) recognise that things could not have carried on with the three of us being unhappy in our own worlds, this time in my life has changed that and I hope can lead to us still being together in a format we can all be ourselves and happy if not then at least I will have learned new tools and a bit more about who I am and what I want going forwards.
Im not giving up any time soon though.
I have also, of course, met all you good people, something that has made all the difference in the darkest hours
Cheers guys
Edz
Well this afternoon the weather switched to glorious sunshine.
W had her hospital appointment and took me up on my offer, she had Wow friend drop her here after popping by the flat to feed wft and is presently getting some rest while s plays on a game console and I finish work.
Whilst 9 months of learning "no expectations" is now running through me like the seaside rock V and I discussed several threads ago, the fact she chose to come to the house and is comfortable enough doing so to sleep (and no, I have zero expectations she'll stay tonight) are making that a tricky proposition but one that I'm doing my best to balance against hope!
It really is a nice day so far
Edz. Hope is fine and your sitch is hopeful. Just dont expect anything from W at this stage. She can see Edz is the real deal but now she has a lot to think about. You are dealing with this like a pro. Edz , you have your son back and you are now the father he deserves. W can see this and she wants the same connection with Edz. Everything has a timeline and that's the hard part. W has to be 100% into reconciliation and she's getting there.
Edz. Your an example to us all. You looked to yourself and made the improvements to make Edz , new Edz. You have become a man only a fool would leave and you continue to improve.
Well done buddy , you should be proud of yourself. Take care. Rd
Hi Edz, glad to hear your W is back from hospital and resting. Hope all went well for her. As you say, you would never have dreamed that your W may want to come to yours and sleep - even a couple of months ago. So your sitch has taken huge steps forward in terms of trust, opening up and connection.
I do think the main challenge is probably patience, and just making sure you don't backslide because you can't help giving things a little push. I think you're doing well on this front, and I'm sure it isn't easy...
Hope your W is all better soon. And thanks for your comments about BAWFT. I'm looking forward to having her here, now it's confirmed. I'm not sure what day I'll collect her next week (due to a possible interview...) but I'll keep you posted. Keep up the great work!!
Edit - Start a new thread soon - Cadet
Thanks all
Thanks cadet we're about to lock for this evenings update please hop over to
part 19