I am thinking I won't tell her for now. The filter is not going to clog and the system fail right away. At least I can stay on task for a while and see what happens.
W came and dropped D14 off about a half hour ago. She came in and was very pleasant. A lady we new just passed away so I showed her the obituary and we talked about that for a few minutes. I had my coupons on the counter and she saw one for a restaurant that we never tried but always wanted to go to. She asked if I wanted to go sometime. I said that I will have to see her Tuesday night to get D14's clothes before we go away for the rest of the week. We can go that night since she will be missing a few of her nights with D14. She said that sounds good. I know that may not be detaching but at the same time it gives us a rare opportunity to go out as a family. I will then be gone for the rest of the week so if the normal have a good time followed by a bad day, I won't see her for a few days, to get the bad day.
How to I link my old topic to this one?
I guess I have been a fool. D14 is here with me and we were talking and she was started telling me how the entire time she is with her mother she is in her room either texting or on the computer. We then started talking and she told me W told her out of the blue that the attorney said she can start dating since the D was filed. D14 said she doesn't respond to her because she only gets yelled at by her.
D14 also told me if she finds out she is dating anyone she wants to live with me 100% and cut her mother out of her life. D14 is very upset by this entire situation, she can't talk to her mother and everything is out of my control.
It makes sense why she does not want me working at the office anymore. She new I was on the trail of catching her.
I am so distraught right now and don't know what to do. I have the guys address and phone number but approaching him is probably not a smart idea.
Sorry for the pain you and D14 are having today.
I need to show W how her choices are affecting our D14. She is insisting that she is not fazed by it. But I see my sweet little 14 year old shutting down. I just don't know how to do it. It was one thing to hurt me but not my daughter.
You can't show her anything by talking to her. That is what I try to get across to the LBH. She is not going to have any of what you tell her.
All you can do is protect D14 as best you can. You can't make your W be a good parent.
Well D14 has really opened up to me today. She told me W told her that she has had hated me since July and once she is finished with someone it is forever.
D14 told me I have taken to much abuse from W the past 8 months and she does not understand why I would even want her back at this point. She said with what W put me through she would not be mad at me for moving on at all. But because W went and asked the attorney if it there was anything she could lose by dating and attorney told her it was ok, she would hate her for doing it.
I told D14 that I made a mistake 10 years ago and had an EA and wife took me back and never brought it up again. It was when we separated due to her not paying me any attention her freshman year of dental school. I only had the EA for 2 weeks and realized how much nobody could replace what I had with my W. So I earned a second chance after 6 weeks and have never even looked at another women. I was always honest though I told her I was talking to someone who she was and everything. I never tried to lie about it.
Now this weekend was the Home Show at the mall and W and D14 went yesterday to walk around. D14 told me W kept waving to people and she was getting ignored. So D14 said W looked upset and wanted to leave. W then said something to D14 in the car and D14 said to her you do know they are all daddy's friends and they are going to side with him. She looked sad then.
With everything I found out today I may just hang low and see what happens. I know I only have so long until the D will be final but in the meantime if I just go on with life she may see what she had before wasn't that bad. But at the same time I am going to protect myself and make sure I get what I am entitled to and not let her manipulate me.
I for the life of me can't see how long a 52 year old man could keep a 36 year old woman happy. Especially since she doesn't need to use him for money or anything. He has kids closer to her age. When I looked at his facebook the only thing they have in common is running so they will have to get bored of each other quickly. He just isn't me right now so that is all she sees.
This may actually give me the wake up call I need, because right now even though my heart still loves her, my brain hates her. So it will be easier to watch her struggle and not go running and chasing every chance I get.
Well W is out again. Her attorney gave her the green light and now all she does is go out. It really is amazing how much someone can change.
Its hard to do but you just have to let her follow her own path and you follow yours. Those paths may come back together, or they may separate forever. You can only control your path so that's what you should be focusing on.
I hate seeing my W do the things shes doing now because I can see how its only going to hurt her in the future, and she cant see it yet. But that's not my concern anymore, its something she has to figure out on her own. All I can do is work on my myself and let her do whats shes going to do, just as you have to.
For me this has been a blessing and a curse at the same time. Its the worst and one of the best things that has ever happened to me as hard as that is to say. I may lose my wife, I may not, only time will tell. The more important part is that I'm finding myself.
As for thinking you need to show her how her actions are affecting D14, Sandi is right. She wouldn't accept anything you have to tell her even if you had a valid point on something and doing it in some covert way will likely only come back to bite you. You don't need to show her anything, you just need to protect D14 as best you can. This is something your W will have to figure out herself or live with the consequences of.
So last night I did something I shouldn't of but it made me feel better. W said she was out with that girlfriend again. So I went for a ride by the girls house and she was home and W was not there, so obviously she was with a man.
So at that point I came home and D14 and I were hanging out and watching movies. So I took a picture of D14 and I laughing and having a good time and sent it to W. Saying family fun night hope you are having fun.
W did her new thing of not reading my text until the morning like she does now she won't answer even read my messages after like 7:00. At 6:00 this morning she texted me good morning and asked if I can come to the office this afternoon and teach her how to run checks. I never answered her. Then at 10:30 she texted me are we still going out to dinner tomorrow night. And did I call our accountant which I did. She said the accountant called her and told her what to be careful of tax wise if she goes through with the D.
She then texted me again saying how busy she was today. Then brought up the check scanner thing again. Saying am I going to help her or does she have to call the bank. I told her I will be there at some point when I have time.
In that time period D14 texts me asking if I can take her out after school. I told her it is her mothers night. She said but she rather me take her. So I texted W saying that D14 and I are going out after school and I will drop her off when we are finished. D14 has been telling me she wants to stay with me. She says she never thought her mom would tear apart are family without a good reason and she doesn't want to be around her.
W then kept trying to text me for small talk and I finally told her I have a job now and I need to work. I can't just talk to you all day. I did get two listings from a friend who is a property investor for $500,000 in property in my first day.
So yes I still love my wife and yes I am not giving up yet. But I have to say she is really hurting me.
So one other thing that happened last night was when D14 was asking me why I won't give up on mommy and I told I love her and have 19 years with her and I can't just throw it away. She said mommy said she has hated you since July, so you must really love her or be crazy. I said it is funny she says that stuff to you and I showed her emails from January where W was telling me she loved me and missed me.
Tomorrow I meet with my attorney and looking at the laws online I may be able to extend this thing for like 9 more months. I also am going to keep myself busy and not contact W first. We are going out to dinner as a family but I don't see that as a bad thing. It isn't really a date, it is just the 3 of us hanging out before, D14 and I go away for the rest of the week. W says she is coming down for the weekend but she will get her own room. I did not give a response.
I feel much better and controlled today but I just have to see where it goes with her and this guy she is dating. W is very hard to get along with and she can't keep friends or anything for more then a month.
D14 told me last night that mommy always told her to do well in school so she can marry for looks and not have to rely on a man. But now she is dating Grandpa, because he has money.
Sometimes doing what you aren't suppose to do helps you prepare for something. Just looked at W's phone bill and she called her D attorney at lunch. At least now when she hits me with something I am emotionally prepared and will just be like whatever.
We are going out to dinner as a family but I don't see that as a bad thing. It isn't really a date, it is just the 3 of us hanging out before, D14 and I go away for the rest of the week.
Ever heard of cake eating?
Well I just finished doing picking D14 up from school, taking her for ice cream, teaching W how to run checks, taking D14 to Target for some stuff she needs, and then dropping her off at W's
When I dropped her off at W's I was not planning on getting out of the car. But our German Shephard was out there circling the car so I said hi to him. W came over to me and said what are my plans for tonight. I said nothing that I know of. Said have a goodnight and left.
D14 just texted me and said W walked in the house and said why is he acting so happy and weird.. D14 said I don't know but I like it.
W is also confused why D14 asked me to take her to the store on her day.
Yes I heard of cake eating. And yes it crosses my mind but when I dwell on the negatives I get all messed up. For example when I first came on here and everyone was telling me she was having an A, I went into panic mode and kept slipping up.
Like I just told my D14 I love my W. I explained to her the reasons I love my W. I can honestly say this is the first time in 10 months even though I want things to work out more than anything, I will be ok if they don't. I have a support group reaching out to me and I have my D14, who is all I need right now.
D14 asked me when I was driving her home when am I going to date again. My answer was no time soon that as long as I have her everything will be ok.
How come I feel so confident one minute and so down the next minute? All day I felt fine. Now my head is spinning out of control.
It's completely normal, but also completely why you must live by what you KNOW to be true and cannot rely on your feelings.
Feelings are real, they just aren't reliable.
-PM
Well I got up and went to the gym. I have not heard from W since dropping off D14 yesterday at 5. That is a long stretch.
When detaching does the WAW sometimes take a step back before taking a step forward. I know I am expecting way quicker results than are realistic, but yesterday she texted me all day and came running out when I dropped D14 off. But then she said to D14 something is strange about the way I am acting and why am I so happy.
Suspected OM is her 12:30 appointment today. I can find an excuse to go to the office at that time, but I run the risk of her reading between the lines and flipping out at me.
In my heart I want to save my marriage but by fighting her to extend it by not agreeing to the divorce and making them base it off a 1 year separation (which would be next January) do I run the risk of making her mad and closing the door.
I just reread Sandi2's Wayward Wife post again. It really hit home this time because event though I wanted to deny there was some type of affair going on, my W at least has her mind on someone, even if it hasn't turned physical. So I need to really implement that plan.
When detaching does the WAW sometimes take a step back before taking a step forward. I know I am expecting way quicker results than are realistic, but yesterday she texted me all day and came running out when I dropped D14 off. But then she said to D14 something is strange about the way I am acting and why am I so happy.
This is all very typical behavior for the WAW...this is her on her roller-coaster. If you want to regain your sanity, you have to learn how to get off of that ride.
Suspected OM is her 12:30 appointment today. I can find an excuse to go to the office at that time, but I run the risk of her reading between the lines and flipping out at me.
In my heart I want to save my marriage but by fighting her to extend it by not agreeing to the divorce and making them base it off a 1 year separation (which would be next January) do I run the risk of making her mad and closing the door.
Don't go to the office. It will only be seen as more controlling behavior (which means you aren't listening to her and respecting her either), it is not conducive to you moving forward in this process, nor does it help you reach any goal you may have. There is nothing good to come out of it.
-PM
Well after talking to my attorney today and having some old friends call me because, I am not with my W who they hated, I am ready to move on with my life.
Yes I still love her and I would still reconcile with her, but I will not be a doormat to get her. I always thought because she was the successful one that everyone would side with her and I would be some type of oddity. But I have people coming from all over reaching out to me. Yes she has Grandpa her old man boyfriend but so be it.
I took down all the pictures of us and took off my wedding ring. D14 came home and smiled and said I am so proud of you. She is not worth the pain she has put you through. I told her, I am going on with life because I need to, but I do still love my W and am not closing any doors for good.
I have not spoken to W all day first time that has ever happened. We are still going to dinner tonight even though D14 said she doesn't want to because I have to keep things amicable because I am going to have D14 the rest of the week.
I found the evidence I was looking for that W was having an A and I know some on here say not to look, but I needed it for closure. But I guess legally it wasn't an affair because she already filed for divorce before ever talking to him. I think I would still be sitting here like a doormat if I didn't know. Now she would have to earn me back.
I have not heard from W since dropping off D14 yesterday at 5. That is a long stretch.
If you are still initiating calls to your W, make it your goal to stop calling. Every time you initiate a contact, it is pursuing her and that is totally opposite from what works with a WW.
I want to refer to something you said to your D14 about as long as you had her, everything would be okay. I'm not taking what you said the wrong way, but let me say something here. Be careful not to put too much emotional pressure on your D14, where your welfare is concerned. She is angry at her mom and taking your side, which is understandable, and even normal. However, she does not need to feel that she should take your W's place,
emotionally speaking. Young teenage girls in the same shoes as your D can become protective about their dad and if he leans on her too much, it could prove to be a burden too heavy. In other words, if she should begin giving up part of her activities to stay with dad, let it be a flag getting your attention. And, she probably wouldn't tell you she sacrificed being with friends or doing whatever she normally would have been doing, but that is why you need to work at GAL in addition to the time spent with her.
You expressed earlier that you are located in an area that is difficult for you to adapt. Just saying, it could be very easy to look at D14 for
all your GAL time.
I have not heard from W since dropping off D14 yesterday at 5. That is a long stretch.
If you are still initiating calls to your W, make it your goal to stop calling. Every time you initiate a contact, it is pursuing her and that is totally opposite from what works with a WW.
I want to refer to something you said to your D14 about as long as you had her, everything would be okay. I'm not taking what you said the wrong way, but let me say something here. Be careful not to put too much emotional pressure on your D14, where your welfare is concerned. She is angry at her mom and taking your side, which is understandable, and even normal. However, she does not need to feel that she should take your W's place,
emotionally speaking. Young teenage girls in the same shoes as your D can become protective about their dad and if he leans on her too much, it could prove to be a burden too heavy. In other words, if she should begin giving up part of her activities to stay with dad, let it be a flag getting your attention. And, she probably wouldn't tell you she sacrificed being with friends or doing whatever she normally would have been doing, but that is why you need to work at GAL in addition to the time spent with her.
You expressed earlier that you are located in an area that is difficult for you to adapt. Just saying, it could be very easy to look at D14 for
all your GAL time.
Sandi2 Everything you said about D14 made perfect sense. I can see where what I wrote has you concerned. The reason we are so close is because I always allow her to have her own life. She knows I am always here for her but I will never hold her back from doing something. She said to me today now keep in mind this is in teen language. "you are going to be jaunt" I said what does that mean she said now that you took your ring off all the girls are going to be looking at you. She said all my friends moms comment about you.
One thing that held me back for GAL is my W is the one that worked and brought in an income. I was afraid to go out and spend her money. Well my attorney clarified that it is not her money and I can't forget all the things I did behind the seens that have a monetary value. So hopefully now I will start doing things and not feeling guilty.
I will repeat myself I do not want this D. But I can not force someone to stay with me either. My attorney commented on that today. He said he could tell in my body language and responses that I am not ready to close the door. I told I am here only to protect myself.
I don't usually send the first text or call.
At 6:00 W texts D14 and says I guess we are not going to dinner tonight. She said she tried texting me at 1:45 and I never responded so she takes it that I don't want to take her. I honestly never got the message and that is probably a good thing because it made her feel rejected.
We did end up going out to dinner after we got that straightened out. It was kind of awkward. We really are going different directions, with me being out of the loop with the office, not being able to talk about any meaningful topics, and not being able to talk about the future. It really is just small talk.
W said she had fun though and kept thanking me for taking her. D14 was not happy, she said to me why did we have to take her. I said because she isn't going to see you for a few days so I wanted her to have the chance to see you for an hour.
I am so looking forward to tomorrow. Just a chance to get away and let loose. I am not really worried about what W is doing because I already imagined worse case scenerio.
I said nothing that I shouldn't of. I showed absolutely no emotion. I am proud of myself.
Got up this morning ordered my real estate signs I needed to order. Picked up donuts for my D14 for breakfast. We cleaned the house and now we are packing up to hit the road at 10:30.
No contact with W. I have not initiated contact with her since Sunday. Which may not seem like long to many but anyone that has been following my journey they would see that is a step in the right direction.
I was always right there and never gave her a chance to miss me. I may finally understand what I should have been doing but I may have waited to long and we may to far gone at this point. If I only gave her space months ago when she wanted it when she was just sitting home upset, rather then only now getting the message because she is living a life that does not include me.
Going to the tournament today is emotional for me in another way. My best friend who was 50 years older then me but we talked everyday and went to every High School ball game together passed away last year. This is my first year ever going to States without him with me. I miss him everyday.
W did end up texting me saying have a safe trip. So I will wait about an hour and just right Thank You.
Well done - keep it up!
-PM
Made it to Charleston. W tried texting me twice about logistics and I waited both times before responding and then 1 worded my answer.
The cheer squad begged me to go with them to dinner so I am going to go with them and then go watch some basketball. I am have fun.
I do miss having my W with me though. But if she was here I wouldn't have been invited to go to dinner because the coaches and her hate each other.
This not initiating contact or being short is really getting hard. There is so much that happened today and I can't share it with my W. I know doing this is better for the future but it doesn't make it easier.
Stick to the NO CONTACT errod! It will pay off! My WW asks people all the time what I am up to, I tell her NOTHING.
I am going through absolute with drawl right now. I have not contacted wife first since Sunday. She has contacted me less and less each day from there. I miss her so much!!! She texted me all day Monday. She texted me once on Tuesday but we went out to eat. Yesterday she only texted me 3 times but now her texts are only one liners like my responses.
Errod, get out! Go out and do something to take your mind off of things! Get out of your comfort zone! Take your daughter out to a movie, sign up for a class that you always wanted to do or one that you were "afraid" to do. I have been taking ballroom dancing classes and cooking classes. I just signed up for a class to help me brush up on my Italia (I want to go back to Italy in the future). Whatever it takes to get your mind moving away from her, do it.
My WW moved out, I work from home every day. Our home, our dream home we bought together 5 years ago. It kills me to sit here day in and day out, for the first few weeks I was super depressed, but then I said "ENOUGH" and started focusing on ME and not HER. Do the same, you will get through this.
Our trip was short lived. Our team was upset in the first round so we had to come back home. D14 and I are so bummed we were having so much fun.
So W texted us when we were driving home and asked if she could stop by and see D14 when we got home. I said no problem, she said great she will pick up dinner for us since we will be hungry after our 5 hour drive.
When she came over she cooked us dinner instead of picking us dinner up. That is better in my books. She sat down and stayed about 20 minutes and talked.
She said bye to us and was walking down the step to leave. My heart started raising and I ran out behind her. I then said to her "Is there something wrong with me. Why won't you kiss me". She looked at me like I was crazy. I said don't you remember when we first started dating thats exactly what you said to me, when we had our first kiss. She then said she can't because I would get the wrong message and she does not love me and we have to follow through with the divorce.
So yes I backpedaled again. I don't feel to bad about it because I don't think it was a horrible attempt on my part.
I know I probably shouldn't have done what I did. Are short visits a good or bad thing. We find away to bump into each other everyday but no more than like 15 minutes. Is that because she has enough at that point or is it a defense mechanism.
I still am not positive if she actually filed for a divorce yet. I know she had a proposal prepared and she handed it to me but I have not been served yet. Also I hired an attorney on Tuesday and he was going to call and request that her attorney send it to him and he will let me know when he gets it. He still hasn't.
I know I probably shouldn't have done what I did. Are short visits a good or bad thing. We find away to bump into each other everyday but no more than like 15 minutes. Is that because she has enough at that point or is it a defense mechanism.
Errod. Correct, you shouldn't have done that. Its pursuing to her and just setting yourself up for disappointment. You wanted to test to see if you get a certain reaction from her, and then you don't. Even if you excepted the exact reaction she had, your still setting yourself up for disappointment because of hidden expectations you might not even realize you have.
Much like you I think about W all the time and obsess about every action she may be doing. Trying to understand why she does this and piece actions/words together so I can get an idea of what shes really thinking. Its not good, it leads to your sanity taking massive dives and it only gets worse the more you do it. You will notice things that shes does, you cant stop that, but trying to put meaning to them only hurts you over time.
Detach.
Short visits or long visits, at the end of the day it really doesn't matter. Until she actually says the words and makes a commitment to rebuilding your marriage, nothing she does or says means anything concrete.
You are correct. It became a chance of was the risk worth the reward. Since I want the reward so bad I took the risk and loss. It's all good though tomorrow is another day.
I am just getting antsy because on Tuesday I am setting up a retainer with my Divorce Attorney. I don't really want to spend another $3000, plus I know once these attorneys start going at it. Things are going to get ugly.
It's like a drug, isn't it? Just say "NO!" You will get better at it with practice; it will get easier; you will feel more confident in your actions and reactions over time.
-PM
I was just looking at my credit card online after getting back and just noticed about an hour ago my wife took her car to the shop and got a rental. I am nervous if everything is ok, but also know if I call and ask her it would taken as controlling. I guess if it was really bad she would have called me.
The worse part is she is just blowing money. Like I said before she has no idea the value of a dollar. We have cards that would of gotten us a big discount on that rental but due to her not telling about the situation she just paid $100 more.
Your thinking and reactions were 100% correct. Keep it up!
-PM
She did call me about an hour later and told me her car broke down and is in the shop and she had to get a rental for the weekend.
It just kills me that she will do anything to not ask me for help. This stuff was always my role in the relationship. But like she reminds me everyday there is no relationship anymore.
A local coffee shop around the corner has karaoke on Friday nights from 7:30-10. I am planning on going and checking that out to get out of the house. I told my W I was going and she is more then welcome to join me. She said that my D14 has multiple friends at her house so she won't be able to get out. I said no problem I am going either way I was just curious if you wanted to join me. I kind of gave her the option to hang out with me if she wants to but at the same time let her know that her answer was not going to effect my plans.
It just kills me that she will do anything to not ask me for help. This stuff was always my role in the relationship. But like she reminds me everyday there is no relationship anymore.
I know - it hurts.
It's very likely her just trying to feel like she can be 'okay' on her own. I know that isn't what you signed up for, but it's what she has convinced herself she needs.
And it's quite possible that the sooner that itch gets scratched, the sooner she begins to think with a clear head. That isn't a call to manipulate the situation, and it isn't a guarantee of behavior, but knowing that may make it easier to endure.
-PM
Well I went out for a little while. I made it 30 minutes now I am back home watching March Madness. I had my W fill out a pool 5 years ago and she has watched just about every game up until this year with me. She was so cute to watch she had her bracket and highlighter with her every where she went during the tournament. She even beat me 2 out of the last 3 years. She did do a bracket this year but really doesn't care at all about it.
Those little things you take for granted can be gone in the blink of an eye.
I read that as soon as she posted that. Thank You
Can somebody give me some ideas of things to do that don't cost a lot of money to GAL. I need to get out. Since I was in a serious relationship since the age of 17 I don't even know how to keep busy alone. I went to a coffee shop and then walked the mall last night. That kept me busy for about 35 minutes.
All of my friends are married so I would only be a third wheel.
Hi Errod - my cheap GALing ideas are:
Volunteering (I do it in a bookstore - but there's loads of opportunities out there.) Try the local volunteer bureau. Or if there is a project you're interested in, contact them.
Exercise GAL - make it a bit more social if possible - I do yoga and aqua aerobics
Learning GAL - look at what the local college and leisure facility are offering..
Meetups - I haven't done these, but I have joined a women's social network, and will do some of the (cheaper) things with them.
Book group - I joined a free one at the local library
Local walking group? Local history group? Google "clubs and societies (town name)" to see what comes up.
Make a list of 10 things that are really "you" - how could you enjoy more of these cheaply?
2 for 1 movie nights?
Coffee shop GaL - coffee and the paper - watch the world go by.
Fix your house up for very little money GAL (if there are jobs need doing)
"Make an effort to visit family and friends more" GAL...
Local amateur dramatics or choir?
Dancing - Ceroc or similar?
Hope there may be something in here for you...
W just got a new credit card today and told me she will give me the dollar amount (not the statement) to pay each month. Why would it matter where she was buying things if it wasn't somewhere she shouldn't be. Probably spending money on OM.
It's better for you that she has her own credit card. You can then stop looking into it and trying to track/see things. Trust me on this, you checking small things such as where she's spending money will only hurt you over time. Let it go. Right now you might think it's harmless but it's preventing you from detaching further.
As for GAL, you can look into geocaching. Something I'm doing right now that not many people know of. All it costs you is gas money and time. This assumes you have a smartphone and a data plan in your phone.
Movies can also be a good plan, going certain days or early hours can be cheap. Just have to see what discounts a theater has.
Walks down nature paths and trails, you can look most up online or just by driving down strange roads you haven't been down before.
However, these are more solo things unless you find someone to go along with.
Thanks Fogg Geocaching looks like it could be fun.
I am gathering all the information for my attorney. W and her attorney really tried to pull a quick one on me. If W wasn't so dumb and didn't have to pull away so quickly I probably would of fell for their trap. Now even though I want her back, I need to be true to myself. I think this is going to end up being a nasty divorce even though I hope it isn't. They tried to short me over a $100,000 plus making my W the primary guardian. I was and still am the primary caretaker. I was a stay at home dad.
Errod, are you cool with the credit card?
Tell her she needs to get a job. Don't finance her leaving you. Don't finance her A. Only support the kids.
You need to see the receipts or statements if you're going to reimburse her for expenses related to the children.
I cut my W off. If she buys groceries for the kids, I'll pay her back after I get the receipt.
Her mother gives her money and she lives rent free. She's not feeling the results of her actions. I feel better because I'm not responsible for her crazy spending. Oh boy is she spending. I'm already saving money for the first time since ever.
Close joint accounts so you can't see her wasteful spending. Plus, you don't want her to overdraft and have it start pulling from any savings. Closing our joint accounts requires both account holders to physically go into a branch office. I'm get stupid when I'm around her, so not ready to do that yet.
Don't trust her to give a damn about money now if she never has before.
Closer2. It is actually the opposite. She is a Dentist who owns her own practice and makes all the money. I manage all the money for the practice and the house but there would not be any if not for her. I manage all financial and insurance aspects of her practice and then take care of the house and our D14.
I have a friend coming over tonight to watch the UFC fights with me tonight. That should keep my busy for a little while.
I have not had any contact with W today. D14 told me W is booking a trip for the two of them to Myrtle Beach over part of spring break. I know that is meant to be a slap in the face because I have been trying to get her to go there are entire time together. Now all the sudden she has an interest in going to the beach.
I am so mad right now. D14 just texted me confirming that W is going out with the suspected OM on Tuesday. W is not even slick enough not to get caught by D14 texting him.
D14 is so upset and I can't go over and get her.
Got to love when a women would cheat on her H with her BF. But won't cheat on her BF with her H.
Its rough to know your W may be out with OM, but don't let your emotions/feelings right now cause you to react to the situation at all. You may be angry, its understandable, but doing something will not help. Saying something to her will not help. You need to try and control those feelings, especially when speaking with your D14. She may be feeding off your emotions and seeing you in pain, so she wants to be on your side and help.
Yes, your W is the one to cause this right now but you you need to be the stability for D14. Are you asking D14 about W at all? If so I would stop that immediately. She shouldn't be confirming anything about W to you. I'm not sure what to do if shes providing that information without you asking, but even implying you want it causes her to get in the middle.
No she did it on her own. She keeps telling me she hates going to her mothers and wants to stay with me all the time. At 14 years old she is old enough that knows what is going on. D14 and W argue all the time. W won't let D14 go out but does not pay her any attention either when she has her.
D14 and I have an extremely close relationship. I was always the one there for her growing up. She is my mini me. When W went to Dental School while D was 2-6 it was me and her for all intensive purposes. W was to busy with school to take care of either of our needs.
W brings that all the time now when she gets mad at me. How she is so jealous of the relationship D14 and I have. But D14 told me I have always been there for her not just when it is convenient. Just like an hour ago W texts me do I want to get D14 first thing in the morning so I can spend all day with her. I was like of course I do. She probably has other plans. But that is fine I told D14 just tell me what she wants to do and we will do it.
I had to see W this morning. I had to bring D14 over to get clothes and go over some financial stuff.
She then started talking about the divorce and how we need to communicate through the process and do whats best for us and not let the attorneys control our case. She said the most important thing is that we remain friends through this for the sake of D14. She then told me again she is not happy now but keeps plugging away each day. She said she can't go back to way things were. I told her I agree with that. Things will never go back to the way they were, but that does not mean we can't work through it.
So that was my morning. When I got home she texted me that she was glad that we had that talk. But we have not talked since. I am glad I have D14 with me today so I can keep busy and not dwell on not talking. I know I am crazy but I don't believe the things that come out of her mouth. Her eyes tell me differently. Her eyes say that there is still something left. Now D14 told me I had her on her toes last week until I told her how I felt on Thursday night.
Now D14 told me I had her on her toes last week until I told her how I felt on Thursday night.
Yes, well you just told her again, when you said, "but that does not mean we can't work through it".
Yep you are 100% right. I did do it again. This is just so hard.
Well I just got back from having to see W. D14 got herself in some trouble and I had a parent call me to tell me what happened. I then called W and said I need to tell you what D14 did in person do you want me to come there or you come here. She told me come on over. I then told her what happened. Then we talked for a little bit and laughed about the tournament and the situation D14 is in. It is the first time in a long time that we just addressed a situation laughed and then left. She sent me home with a whole batch of cookies. Not to mention earlier she made me a lemon cake and had a bag of fruit for me.
This is the same person who last week cooked for D14 and herself and wouldn't feed me. Now of course this morning she said it was because she was mad because after I came back from running with the dog that day I took off my shirt and walked around the house. I said that was because you liked it. She blushed and said a physical attraction was never our issue.
I woke up this morning and wanted to talk to W so bad. My D14 who really is the one keeping me inline told me not to. D14 then told me to send a simple little 1 sentence text just saying "Have a good day at work" with a little emoji at the end. W then wrote right back saying Thank You and asked about my day. I just left it at that.
I will see W later because I have to bring D14 to her tonight because it is her night. Plus I have to get some documents off the computer for my attorney tomorrow.
I should be able to keep busy today so it should not be a bad day.
So I just got a call that someone was trying to access my bank account online. I can't decide if I should call W and see if it was her. The accounts are joint and she has every right to access them, but never wanted anything to do with financials when we were married. For one thing I am trying not to contact her. Secondly if it was her she will get further away because she was caught.
W called about D14 being sick and needing to be picked up from school. I told her about the bank calling she said it was her. She said she wants to see what I have been doing with the money. I took that comment as questioning my integrity, so I did get defensive. After all she is the one that just opened up a new credit card so I can't see where she is spending money.
I really don't know what is happening to her. I still love her but do I only love the old her? Is the old her still there or is the out of controlled possessed narcissist all that is left.
Sandi
Sorry to hijack here - but I wanted to tell you how very much I appreciate what you do for the lost souls here on the DB boards. I always look for your posts as they seem so real and relevant.
I have printed out your WW post and carry it with me and refer to it often. It is like a play book to my WAW. In the end, I don't know if if will matter, but I wanted to sincerely thank you anyway.
Have to go to W's in a minute to drop D14 off and get some papers. I am not looking forward to it. I love and miss her so much. It kills me to see her and not be able to have her.
I go to W's to print out the documents I need. As I am sitting there she says that she is pulling all the money from our current Bank. She for some reason thinks that there is something going on with me and one of the Loan Officers. She said the women flirts with me to much. I don't get that vibe at all. So of course that said the tone for the evening. Then it turned into we can't let these attorneys destroy our friendship. Next it was I have not loved you since July and I can't be married to someone I don't love. W said she new it was time to move on when she can picture me with someone else and not get mad.
She really does confuse me.
Hi errod, it must have hurt to hear your W say that she can't be married to someone she doesn't love. Are you doing ok?
W taking the money out of the bank and the story she gave you seems odd. Try and get a print out from the bank of the charges billed to the account before it was closed. Her story doesn't seem to add up.
She hasn't taken the money out of the account she is just threatening to. We have 4 accounts and 4 loans there. I have all the bank records and pay all the bills. She just hands the bills to me. She has just been saying since Spring that there is something with me and this lady. I can tell you there is not attraction on my part I only have eyes for one person.
I am just sitting here alone stunned. I just want this nightmare to end.
W just texted me and we talked for like an hour. She apologized for how she acted earlier and then we talked about the lawyers. She wants me to get a proposal from my attorney and then us meet and settle on our own and not let the lawyers tear are family apart. Very confusing talking about family while going through a divorce. We then talked some about D14.
I asked her to go to the Dr.s and get checked out. She told me no that even if they do find something wrong with her hormones that is not the root of our problems. I disagree but I did not continue the discussion.
Errod, it isn't lawyers tearing your family apart....
IMHO, I would never go through something like this without legal advice. My H suggested we do this without lawyers and I said no.
I am getting really confused now. After W texts me last night apologizing and then talking for about an hour, she stops by this morning to drop off D14's phone to me. D14 got in trouble so we are controlling her phone. The part that was strange is normally she would send D up to drop off what ever and she would wait in the car. This morning she did the opposite. W came up and D14 waited in the car.
She then said D14 did not bring any of her clothes over so she will see me tonight when I come over to pick them up.
The other thing I am confused about is if she is over me and said she wants me to move on and be happy. Why was she so upset last night when she thought that someone was after me. Her exact quote yesterday was "she knew we where done when she could look at me and see me with someone else and not be upset"
So the two thoughts running through my head are that she is afraid of what I will go after with my attorney and she is trying to play nice knowing I still love her and can be manipulated. Or things are hitting a point where she is a little nervous about her future with out me.
One other thing she said last night was I miss being married and the life we had, but I don't love you so it is not fair to stay together.
I keep following everyone else's stories and I can't help but think my situation is hopeless. I am in such an advanced stage to everyone else.
W texted me a couple minutes ago to let me know that she signed the waiver that she needed to so I can use the attorney I wanted and that she has some pay stubs for me to give him. I just wrote back "sounds good". She just keeps pushing things along as fast as she can.
Errod, I'm sorry you're feeling hopeless. My experience of reading sitches on the forum is that many (most?) get pretty dire before things start to improve. I think 'facing the end' is often a needed step in order for things to turn. Of course they may not turn at all...time will tell Errod.
One thing I will say is best not to try and analyse what your W is doing and why. It's best to keep the focus on you and your D as much as you can....
Errod
What is it you want to do? I assume you don't want this D?
If so, stall it out, work on yourself and see what happens. Just becuase someone wants a D and/or even files for D, the process can take years.
Just my .02 cents
Try not to stress too much Errod. My D should be final any day. It was filed back in Dec. My W has been driven to get this done ASAP and I haven't been doing anything to block it or drag it out (other than trying my best to DB). My attorney is shocked that we are moving so quickly. You just filed and like most lawsuits Ds take some time.
It has helped me to accept that we are divorcing. There is nothing I can do to stop the divorce. However, do I really don't want to continue on with this M as it is/was? I don't.
If we ever do R, a new M would be a great to symbolize the hard work and dedication we both put into reconnecting and building a new life. That may or may not ever happen. I don't dwell on it but I have thought about it.
I met with my attorney today and he had the divorce papers that my wifes attorney gave him. She put irrevocable differences. I declined to agree to those terms and that will force her to wait until we are separated for 1 year. She is probably going to be angry, but I will take my chances.
Also when reading all the supporting paper my attorney told me that this is the weirdest divorce he ever worked on. He sees me trying everything to save my marriage and my W make her own case for what I should be entitled to. He said he is an attorney and not a counselor but it doesn't add up.
I have to take D14 to pick up clothes at my W's. I said we will be over after dinner around 7. She told me she had plans to go out with one of her girlfriends for coffee at 7, but will not be long and she will call me when she is done. Then she texted back saying if you want me to I can cancel my plans. I told her I did not know she had plans we will come over soon, enjoy your time out. She told me thank you that was so nice.
That was the first time in months she told me where or with who she was going out with. I also know she has not been out at all the last 5 nights.
I only got paranoid when she was sneaking around. I will never complain about honesty.
"Insupportablility" is what her lawyer put on our decree. My L said it was the same irreconcilable differences. To be honest, I don't really care what the reason says on a legal document. They can't put "Wayward Wife" on it, I asked.
A friend told me I should care be because I may date someone in the future(waaaaaaay future) and they may pull the record.
Why would I want to date anyone that pull my divorce decree?
Part of me thinks I should do what you're doing, Errod. I could gain more time to work on DBing, so she could see the changes I'm making, see me GALing, etc. However, accepting the D is going to happen regardless has helped me detach. I don't consider it giving up, it's just an example of dropping the rope.
It's still hard to detach and remain detached. The one constant through all the stories on this board that end with a WAW returning is detaching.
Good job on telling her to enjoy her time out. I think they notice when we act "as if".
So I took D14 to get her clothes. W and I talked about our days in the kitchen why she packed. I did ask W if she has been watching Breaking Bad on Netflix. She said she has not watched it since we watched it together because it was our thing. When we were leaving W said I will walk yous out and that she was locking up for the night. She said she did not feel like going out tonight. Then when we walked out the door she called out and said I love you guys. She has not said that in months in front of me.
I honestly have no idea what is going on. I don't know if she is buttering me up to try to manipulate me on the divorce settlement. I do have to keep that in the back of my mind because otherwise I will get anxious and jump the gun again and screw up.
She will probably find out tomorrow from her lawyer that I am not going along with the divorce. She will then most likely flip out.
D14 was saying to me today why was W flipping out last night about the girl at the bank asking about you. She is the one that left you and keeps telling you that you need to move on. I just said welcome to the confused club.
I just got an email from the my D14's cheer leading coach about the year end banquet on April 4th. I looked at the people that got the email and my W is not on the list. She is going to flip out. Next time I talk to her I may just tell her the coach texted me and not that she sent out a mass email.
They can't put "Wayward Wife" on it, I asked.
You would think if they could put "insupportability" they could use WW.
Never heard anything else from W tonight. I guess that was to be expected. I did not try to contact her either which is hard to do, but something I need to learn to do.
On a positive D14 and I had a fun night. We went to Target because we both needed shaving cream. Then we ate Burger King (my first time eating fast food in over a year). Came home and watched Bates Motel and then some of her shows Kardashians, Pretty in Pink, etc. D14 just went to bed now and I am not going to be to far behind.
I have a question for the experienced. I don't know if this situation is going to come up or not but if it does I need to prepare myself because I can do extreme damage if not prepared.
Last week D14 told me W is planning on taking her to Myrtle Beach for some of Spring Break. Myrtle Beach is somewhere I have been trying to get my W to go our entire marriage and she had not interest in going. So if she does this it is to take a shot at me. Keep in mind she has not told me any of this and has not even talked about how we are splitting up our days that week.
But if this is the case, how should I handle it when she tries to tell me. Obviously I am going to want to blow up, but that would not be good. If it is by phone do I hang up. If it is by text do I ignore her. If it is in person do I just quietly walk away and go home with out saying a word? And advice to prepare me would be a big help because I know if I don't have a plan I can possibly say something that would end our marriage for good.
I'm not really experienced but I will let you know my opinion on this. Don't react to it, just tell her have a nice time and leave it at that. Getting upset over this in front of her will do nothing for you. You don't know the reasons for sure why she is going to this specific place so getting angry doesn't help you in any way. She could be trying to get at you, or she could just be a WAW doing things that don't make sense.
I understand your frustration. I've had a few similar experiences where W has done things without me. Things I wanted her to do but she never wanted to. Then some other things that we had planned to do together and never got around to doing(First tattoo). It made me sick to think she was leaving me behind, angry at the thought she might have done it out of spite, and just jealous in general.
Something else. "...I can possibly say something that would end our marriage for good.". Your looking at this wrong still. You don't say something that will end it for good because the marriage is dead. Your marriage has already ended. She ended it, not you. You need to accept this. Any future you have with her will be in a new marriage, and that may or may not happen.
It suks but getting upset and reacting to her will only add to her belief of what she has made you about to be
What would be a 180 for you to a situation like this
A 180 for me would be just simply saying have fun and ending the conversation at that point. I know everything she does is to get a reaction from me.
A 180 for me would be just simply saying have fun and ending the conversation at that point. I know everything she does is to get a reaction from me.
You don't know that for certain, your speculating and mind reading. You keep trying to analyze her actions and trying to understand her thinking, as we all do at times. She might be testing you to see if your still acting controlling, and doing the 180 as you mentioned above would be a good plan. She could also just be going to the beach as she is a different person now and it has nothing to do with you.
The issue is when you constantly think EVERYTHING shes doing is because of you, you think all shes doing is thinking of you. Shes not, you might not enter her mind much during the day.
In a previous post you mentioned how you said/wanted her to just tell you what she was doing instead of sneaking around. I believe you told her you just wanted her to be honest with you. You have expectations still of her to act like a W by telling you the truth about something. Shes not going to act like your W, so she really has no reason in her mind to tell you anything about what shes doing. If she wants to hide it from you it could also be for many reasons.
So W texts me at 6:30 this morning, telling me she has a list of addresses for me to send business cards to for my new business. I simply wrote thank you. She then wrote I will always help you. I want you to succeed. I don't want to fight anymore. I then wrote back have a good day at work and I will talk to you later.
I did stop by the office on my way home from the gym to drop off coffee for the girls. I did see them girls everyday the last 7 years hired them and know there families. So I still care for them like extended family. W happened to be sitting up front then. I handed her hers she says you got me my favorite blueberry flavored. She then brought up the addresses she has for me and that she will bring it over tonight. She still looks in my eyes and smiles the entire time we talk.
I don't know how to read her. Is she letting her guard down a little or is she so done that it is easy to just look at me as the father of our daughter.
I still can't get out of my mind what my attorney said yesterday. He said this is the strangest case he ever worked on. He said he has me doing everything possible to fight and extend the process. Then he sees the paperwork and my W has a statement in there about how much I did for her and how I should be compensated for it. He told me we really need to go to counseling because there has to be something left. He said it is the first time in his career he said that. I want to do a marriage retreat so bad, but my W has no interest in doing it at all.
As I am writing this W just texted me thank you so much for the coffee. It is a great pick me up on this rainy day.
Errod, I still think you're focusing and writing waaay too much about your W. Can you try and shift focus? I know how hard that is - but lets hear more about what you are doing for you - whatever your W might be doing.
You mention above that your W is 'hard to read' - my advice is - Don't even go there right now!
Hang on in there my friend....
Toots I know what you are saying. Unfortunately I am not doing much for my self. I go to the gym each morning then, I go to work for a few hours. But I can not get her out of my mind for a minute no matter how hard I try. Our marriage was probably so intertwined that it was unhealthy. At the time I did not think it. I was spending every minute of everyday with my best friend, my W, the woman that I took a vow to be with forever. Now that things went south I am just lost. I never let anyone else into my life.
I know it's hard Errod. But the more you can do for yourself, the better you'll be able to get her out of your mind.
Was it you who asked for cheap GAL options a while ago? Did you follow any of those up? The more you can do (and you might have to make yourself do them at first) the more you see that there is a life out there beyond your M.
And the fact is - sorry to be blunt - you have no M right now. You have been fired as spouse to your W.
You also mention the co-dependence. Would you want to return to such an enmeshed R again? Something to think about there. And they always say on these forums, the WAS is never going to return to the same M. Something has to change...
I truly understand how hard this feels. But if you can start moving painfully forward and shift the focus away from your W, you will feel the benefit of this.
Good luck my friend...(((Errod)))
It was me that asked for cheap GAL options. I try to do things but I find myself going right back home because I feel so alone.
Yes I would want to return to the enmeshed R again. Even though I know that is not possible. W told me from the very beginning that she never wanted to do anything or hang out with anyone else, but because I was not giving her enough attention she is being forced to.
I just got back from running 6 miles in under an hour. I am extremely happy with that time. That should wear me out for the night which is good because it is a childless night.
Great job, errod. I am impressed. This must have taken some training. How long have you seriously trained for this?
Honestly I did an 8 mile run walk about 2 weeks ago. Then today I did this. It was really just to release anger. I have no training and have never been a runner.
You can't break your addiction if you keep shooting up! GAL didn't work for you those couple of times you tried it before you even detoxed your W out of your system?
Your weakness will be your undoing. You WILL eventually break your addiction and move forward with your life, but you are choosing the difficult, messy, and destructive path because its momentary ease...the 'fix'... is more appealing than actually working to FIX the problems.
There are no easy ways to repair situations like this, but there are countless easy ways to mess them up even more.
-PM
I had to get up this morning at 6:30 to meet W at the door with my daughters stuff. I then did something out of the norm, I went back to bed until 8:30.
I then worked on a letter I am going to send out to some friends about being a new real estate agent.
Now I am showered and dressed and I am going to drop off some business cards and then go pull some comps for a listing appointment I have tonight.
I also have D14 tonight, so today will be a good day.
Errod, you seem to be ignoring/disregarding advice and support from others, then going back to talking about your W. Is there any way we can help some more my friend? I worry that you may be getting a little 'stuck"...
I am extremely lost and stuck. My brain says move on it is over and my heart says continue to battle until my last breath.
I am extremely lost and stuck. My brain says move on it is over and my heart says continue to battle until my last breath.
Your trying to make something happen instead of letting it happen. You don't give up and say everything is lost, and you don't fight for it with every last breath. Your not in control of what happens with W, only yourself. You accept whats happening is going to happen and work on yourself until it plays out. The hardest part of this sometimes is the waiting.
You have to get to the point where you accept whatever happens with your W. You basically just have to separate yourself from her(detach) and continue to live your own life and work on your own issues regardless of her.
Patience and time. I'm struggling so hard myself with trying to detach and get W out of my head enough where I can function normally. Its not easy, this is the hardest thing we may ever go through, but its survivable.
I know your D seems to be progressing faster than you want and in your mind you have this countdown where you think its either saved before then or its gone. Don't think this way. Even if you divorce, whos to say a year later she realizes she made a huge mistake. Don't expect this, just understand its just as possible as the divorce being forever. That's why you detach now and live your own life.
Try to go a full day without thinking about your W at all. Every time she enters your mind push the though out, even if its every 10 seconds. Find something to do to get your mind off things. Just try and shut your brain down. I know its hard, I'm working on it right now and I'm struggling. Take baby steps. You may only last for a few minutes at first. Keep it going and then it will turn into a few hours, then a day. Before you know it you will be able to go a few days without obsessing and things will be much more manageable. Good luck.
See her along with your codependency on her and the relationship for the addiction that it is.
Realize and agree that the best way to beat your addiction is to go cold turkey.
Live that decision out every day, one day at a time.
Worry about the other stuff later, but get this part down asap. So much stems from it.
Have you read Codependent No More?
-PM
Hi Errod
If it helps at all, I used monthly goals in the early stages of my sitch. And TBH, most of them were about survival. They included things like:
Find an IC and start counselling
Find a new volunteering opportunity (GAL)
Find and start going to a new book club
Make 'this much' money this month (I left my job)
Arrange lunch with X friend
Read X self help book
Go to one infidelity support group session
All of these were about helping me get through things. At that time H and I were having regular talks too and he was continuing his A. This was before I discovered DB and stopped all pursuit.
You mention a very stark choice above - fight with all my heart or give up. Yes, fight with all your heart - but do it to rediscover yourself and what you want from life. Truly the advice you are getting is the best way forward right now, and fighting for your W or pursuing are going to keep driving her away.
I once read a quote in a book about bereavement, and it has always stayed with me - "our happiness can never depend entirely upon someone else." And I think you need to see and believe that is the case. I look at my life now, and there are many wonderful people in it, who bring me much joy - apart from H. Although he was the most important for me and I have lost him - at least for now.
A turning point for me was when I truly accepted he is gone right now. I fought against that for months. I read books with a highlighter. I planned our conversations and made notes. I made notes about the notes and so on. What will 'solve' this??? Then one day I truly accepted - it is what it is. And I threw all my notes in the bin, and just started moving forwards...
Wishing you well on your journey Errod. You'll get there......(((Errod)))
I have not read Codependent No More.
The thing that makes it most difficult is that we are intertwined in so many ways. I still make all the financial decisions. We have a D14 together who is very active in School Athletics. We also have a house that we are trying to sell. Which the contract on it just fell through, but we have received two showings since re listing the house.
With all those things I have had to have contact with W on numerous occasions today. But I did keep the conversation very upbeat and very business oriented. We have not had relationship talk since Monday. That is long for us and I am not the one that brought it up. She was upset thinking that some lady at the bank wanted me.
Over all it is a beautiful spring day today. I am actually in a very upbeat mood. I have D14 tonight.
I did not write much yesterday because it was an emotional roller coaster. I had to go to W's to get tools. She was having an emotional breakdown and looks horrible. She is totally run down. One person can not do all the things we did together, but she said she would die before admitting she can't. She then started complaining about how much she has to work to pay me off. I did say that this could all have been prevented if she was only willing to work on the marriage.
So then this morning I mailed her a letter letting her know that I am here for her but I will not be texting or calling her anymore. If the time comes I am willing to work on our marriage but I can not do it alone.
Now the challenge is staying busy today. I ran 5 miles earlier this morning. I am going to shower and then try to take a nap. Saturday's are my hardest day to get through.
I did not write much yesterday because it was an emotional roller coaster. I had to go to W's to get tools. She was having an emotional breakdown and looks horrible. She is totally run down. One person can not do all the things we did together, but she said she would die before admitting she can't. She then started complaining about how much she has to work to pay me off. I did say that this could all have been prevented if she was only willing to work on the marriage.
So then this morning I mailed her a letter letting her know that I am here for her but I will not be texting or calling her anymore. If the time comes I am willing to work on our marriage but I can not do it alone.
Now the challenge is staying busy today. I ran 5 miles earlier this morning. I am going to shower and then try to take a nap. Saturday's are my hardest day to get through.
Errod......
You have to give her a chance to face the consequences of her own actions and not try to be there for her. It doesn't work if you keep telling her, SHE has to learn it on her own. Yes, we all know shes doing this to herself but every time you tell her something like that your pursuing her. All she hears is "you cant do this by yourself, you need me" and that roots her in place of proving you wrong. That's not what you want, but you keep doing it.
Stop all those comments to her about what shes doing or how it could be avoided.
SAY NOTHING ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO HER. If she brings it up, just listen and validate what you can, and fight the urge to comment. If you don't think you can validate without saying something like that, say nothing, just listen.
Your just fighting yourself with her and making it harder on you. Get out and see an early movie today, the first of the day generally are discounted. Go to a book store and buy "codependent no more", mine is in the mail but it might be something that would benefit you also.
I know this is hard, try to remain strong. You have to detach.