In
part 14 I was mostly getting very confused on jumbled signals or my interpretation of them from w.
My weight loss continues well and I'd just started on a new wardrobe with some clothes slightly too small to push me on.
The saga continues...
New thread time all, I managed to lock the old one without a link ah well.
Bit of a slow start today, no s so being a bit lazy first thing. Will make up for that with exercises in a bit before either swimming or washing the car haven't decided yet.
Still discombobulated after late texting last night, I dont mind the odd text or email its this wave followed by drawback that leaves me feeling confused as to what she's doing. These are not "naughty" texts (sadly) but they're the level partners have joking on things and what she's up to then...nothing
Mmm
Well as I've said I'm not initiating anymore which is in some ways harder as it makes it easier to do the above. I get thats a potential cause, I dont contact her so she pings me and when I respond she feels happier so stops again.
But why? If she doesn't want to deal with me why worry what I'm up to, if she does why this blanking behaviour?
Enough to drive you to dispair at times.
Anyway let's see how today pans out
"I dont contact her so she pings me and when I respond she feels happier so stops again."
I think you've answered your own question there. She's making sure you'll still be her BF - and when she knows you will, she's all happy and goes away again.
What about your own boundary on this, because it's clearly bothering you. You've said you won't be BF's and that you will move on if your W doesn't want to reconcile. But you aren't moving on at this point, you're home alone on a Saturday night responding to 'crumbs' of contact and they are keeping you attached.
"If she doesn't want to deal with me why worry what I'm up to?"
Isn't that the same answer as above?
I have a question to ask. Let's say you and your W are never getting back together ok? And let's say you aren't jumping into a R with someone else for a while either?
What kind of weekend would 'single' Edz like to be having? How would he like to be spending his Saturday night and his Sunday? Would he like to be texting XW and wondering whether to wash the car or swim on Sunday?
Why not have a think about what you would want that 'life' to look like and set about creating it right now. I for one would love to see your W at home on a Sat night trying to make contact, and you not even noticing because you're too busy having some fun. Or your W already knows you're out that night and she won't even try to make contact. Then may wonder why she's sitting home alone when you're out having a nice time.
So in short Edz, I think some more GAL is the answer for you - Dim and GAL would be my suggestion. You say you're not initiating contact - that's fine. But you are keenly responding to it and and that may be keeping you a bit 'stuck.'
What new GAL activity could you add into your life? And (whilst I know you say you're an introvert) I think it needs to put you in touch with other new people - even if that's in a very low key way - where you can choose to chat or not (my bookstore GAL is a bit like that....and I can choose to go in or not at the weekend....very handy...)
Maybe you could shift your energies away from your W right now, and set about making the next weekend you have without your S one where you are doing a new GAL activity? I think it might do you (and maybe your sitch) the world of good. Just MHO - and maybe see what others think....but I'm just not sure that faithful, reliable Edz is the way to go right now...
Have a great day however you do decide to spend it....:-)
Thanks toots youre right of course. Therin is the problem though there are financial restrictions I really do have but a lot is a useful excuse. What makes me happy is being home warm and in semi hibernation and I know it I also know it causes a lot of my issues and I need to control it, sometimes is ok but not all the time.
The issue is I dont really seem to know what I like, crowds disturb me immensely, small groups I enjoy. I'm not an outgoing sort as you say.
So how do I square this circle.
Yup I'm out a lot now but in controlled semi isolated pursuits still, swimming, movies, restaurants but all just me or s and I.
As the weather improves photography is back on the cards and I can get s interested in that but, again, semi isolated. Looked for a local group but no joy. Trying to see if I can get one set up on Facebook groups etc so maybe something there.
Couple of the guys at work wanted to do a quiz night and I said love to, didnt happen as we couldn't get enough players mid week.
These are all excuses and I'm continuing to try, problem is every time I think oh I'd like to.. I realise its another home based or isolated pursuit.
Its also as I've said fear, detatchment is one thing, making a first step to giving up the past 16 years another and I seize on those texts far far too soon as you mention.
Lots more work required from me!
Do you have a March goal right there then Edz. Push out your boundary a little further and find a small, group based, no crowd activity that you'll enjoy doing? Extend beyond out and about things just being with W and S - and find a way to do some of the alone stuff with a small group of others
Pub quiz, photography group or class, movies with friends etc....low key but social and feel reasonably safe and comfortable?
It's only 1st March, and you can do it Edz. Sping is on the way...
Thanks toots I'll try. One of the things I worked on for me in ic was my tendency for me to be subsumed into what others wanted. Over time its tricky to k ow what I want and thats problematical in the last few years it was I was starting to doubt who I am, I've at least tackled that.
Issue I have is knowing what I'm good at, knowing I can do a lot of things but not really being able to seize on things I want to go and do, that thing that fires you up never seems to fire up in me so I try things but then "home" back again to the sofa.
Almost like a bit of me isn't on. For instance if I was asked to go to the pub I'd go and have a good time if not I wouldnt go. I dont know why this is but I recognise it.
But yes going to try to make a move this month didnt realise it was march today Feb always catches me out with whether its a leap year!
Was it you edzs or jim who I was jealous of with iPhone 6?
Here's a tip, give w a silent ring tone. Silent text tone and no vibrate either. Then when she texts you hear nothing. Simple.
Or on iPhone you can block her which means you only get message tones. When they actually leave a message.
Oh I i try to go out every Sunday just because h wouldn't and didn't like to go out to pubs. He would if pushed but mmmm not his thing.
So 1 I know I'm not going to see him.
2 it's nice to go with a bunch of friends and you know what more of my friends are actually wanting to join in. They talk about we should have done this before and they enjoy it. It's a catalyst for change.
Hi gg yup go out at weekends too was at the beach freezing by beejeesits off a little earlier, most of my existing friends dropped away with w as they seem happy to ping me on fb but less keen to be seen siding with me for want of a better term, heyho. Big problem I have is the whole married men in their 40s doing things outside their circle so I'm almost at square one new location new friend base etc but trying..I'm not good at it though..I will get better.
No iPhone here s3 android rooted of course. Can set a silent tone and have thought about doing it I run the risk of missing something to do with s though. Often these text sessions start on something to do with s and then continue. I like them and dont want to stop of course so I make my life harder for myself. But I can hardly complain that this is hurting me and choose to do nothing about it I just need to act to slow down the responses unless they're s related it would seem.
I have raised this with w that I'm not trying to distance her before but that i m just getting on and she needs to tell me what she wants. Trouble is how far am I willing to go with getting on? It seems I'm on elastic and though detatchment and worry are not too bad nowadays this is still a problem for me and she can impact my mood whilst reassuring herself. Mmm self control (oh goodie more of it) from me it seems is needed.
EVERYTHING Toots said (post #2543465)
Have you tried initiating about something none S related at all? just curious to the reaction.
I do genuinely think you need to find a way to be warmly absent for a little bit and a little less available, if only to see what happens.
I want to go and do, that thing that fires you up never seems to fire up in me so I try things but then "home" back again to the sofa.
Almost like a bit of me isn't on. For instance if I was asked to go to the pub I'd go and have a good time if not I wouldnt go. I dont know why this is but I recognise it.
There is a TED talk where the speaker talks about activation energy and it being a training and practice thing. She says a good way to start is to not let yourself snooze your alarm in the morning. when it goes off get up and do something (like your trunk exercises) to use that 20 minutes positively.
The issue is I dont really seem to know what I like, crowds disturb me immensely, small groups I enjoy. I'm not an outgoing sort as you say.
me too and it does make it difficult to do more.
Yep. There is a Ted video (as always) by Till H. Grob who talks about this. Its called how to be more confident
Anyway have a good day
Thanks Jim.
I *know* all those its moving onto doing something about it thats troublesome!
No snoozing happening here mate lucky if I get to the alarm before I wake up but if I do I get up or I know I'll feel worse. Its wait until the eyes focus then shower on exercises and off we go with the day. Even if I'm not working I'm up showered shaved hair sorted and dressed by 8 this is a departure from my slobby era where it was snooze until absolutely needed often no shave and a wash I was never a total slob bit I didnt put in the effort I thought no one else cared so why should I, horrible place to be.
Just realised I didnt answer your question on initialising non s messages. I try to avoid it as much as possible as I know I'm inclined to start writing essays again! Then its pursuit central if I dont catch myself.
So not often but yes I have. I'm afraid the results are garbled. Sometimes warm chatty funny responses (my w) sometimes nothing followed by a text hours later - sorry phone died with nothing else so I let it go and sometimes curt cold OK's etc.
Not so much mind as body language reading I'd say w is hurting right now, she's hurting financially and whilst her mother enjoys battling with people w hates it she's having issues with her job ending too which I won't go into for her privacy
She has said she feels she's losing s and she is losing aspects of him to me now we've repaired or are repairing our relationship. He asks to come here mid week as well as weekends and she's not enthralled. I haven't nor will I tell w but s told me at the weekend he prefers his room here. That shocked me as his other room is bigger, w has spent a lot on rugs etc as well. We talked about this and he said hes very grateful and likes the room at the flat but he said he just loves the fact his room here reflects him with the action hero canvases and the colours he wanted accented along with minions etc. He said his mum let him pick a colour but only from a range.
Now s has a talent for the overdramatic as I've said before but even taking this as a grain of truth its a suprise.
I also found it interesting that w gave me a selection of S's things to out in his room here but they all involved older activities and our joint big trak I've integrated them here bit his room there..cuddly toys Lego ...
I know other "thing" I believe she's fighting with as well.
Little things she's mentioned, I've talked about my music setup think of a track and I can generally queue it up from the sofa in any room with a player (from the loo if I have a phone or tablet with me not that I'd do such a thing) I got w a Bluetooth speaker for Christmas so she has some music in the kitchen as she was missing it. She said the other day she felt technologically limited but short of building and maintaining it for her (which isn't going to happen) she's using Spotify free and her speaker and thats what she has.
She also looks worn, good, always good to me, but she looks tired and has said she's not sleeping.
So I suppose the damnable nice guy in me just doesn't want to let her get on and feel abandoned. We've all struggled with the illogical logic of dB and creating a sense of being missed but I do worry about her at the moment especially as all her actions are so s related.
As part of thing I know she's doing things that she didnt do in our m (not with other people) and those affect me as well, nothing I can discuss though again.
So why mention all this? Just as a way of journalling why I'm having issues really, if w was just cold getting on socialising and getting on then I'd be hurt and the rest but Id get on getting on and leave her to her devices its knowing how she seems to be struggling and that she seems very undecided that keeps me on the hook from my side.
Anyway thanks for all the poking today guys I know gal is my shortfall and I'm going to have to distance myself if I want a life and not to be a plan b or friend zoned - both of which w well knows but its hard to let my best friend for 16 years appear to be in such a cr@ppy position much as shed deny any problems exist at all.
I know stop trying to save her save yourself...I know.. Nice guy edz has always been a curse of mine!
And what comes on random music play?
Let her cry by hootie and the blowfish, ha!
I certainly don't think a bit more GAL can harm your sitch Edz, and it may do you a lot of good! You say you don't know what you like - but you've mentioned a few things - movies, photography, pub quiz, pub etc....plenty of scope there potentially....
Hi toots agreed it can't and it can help me
Just back in went to a rather nice coffee shop sat on the rather comfy sofas and let the guys outside in the hand car was wash and wax the car and clean and prep the tyres while I read the Sunday papers. Rather a nice afternoon although then it started chucking it down. Was going for a late swim before I realised the pool is shut because of a swimming gala grrr so I'll go tomorrow instead.
Will start thinking about dinner soon but this evening is going to be investigating groups for cinema , photography etc in my area let's see if I can find something this time.
Nothing from w, not expecting anything though and I'm not hanging on her contacting me today been quite a chilled day ( chilly when I went beach side this morning for a walk in fact flipping freezing but at least it only started raining this afternoon!)
Hi edz, well I'm sat at Heathrow and just catching up (I should be writing a presentation right now mind.)
Sounds like a very relaxing afternoon you had there.
Anyway, you said if she was cold you'd get on getting on. Well you know my wife is pretty cold but I'm not sure its any easier to get on, its just a different kind of tension.
You said you don't want to be her plan B, so I have a question for you
What's your plan B?
Evening all
Imagine youre in Italy by now Jim enjoy. What's my plan b? Firstly regroup and get my head straight acknowledging w is moving on (this greatly depends on what w does about thing as thats another story entirely) help settle s behind it all then consider if its time to think about friend only dating I suppose bit its not time nor near it yet.
Anyway after missing out on that jacket the other day I was browsing gumtree and fired off a couple of emails had a call at 7 and just picked it up for £12 not bad.
Haircut in the morning and then off to w to migrate her data. Depending on if anything comes out of that I'll either get on with whatever has presented itself or I'll be off to finish getting the remainder of my wardrobe replacement.
So nice tagletelli and meatballs in a chilli and tomato sauce tonight no wine after a bottle to myself yesterday. Happily chilled this evening, dont know why just know it will be ok for some reason with or without w. I hope for with but its her call right now.
Sounds good Edz. Hope your GAL research goes well!
Nothing so far toots, cinema club but turned out to be for women only aged over 60 so I dont reaaaaly fit that demographic.
Keep at it my friend...hows about:
Camera/photography club
Search the local paper for clubs/events
Google search - town name/clubs and societies
Have a look at local meetups
Talk to your colleagues about getting that pub quiz team together again
Ask the local cinema if they have groups who visit on Orange Wednesdays
T x
Joined meetup.com (not a dating site BTW) going through the groups nearby now.
No iPhone here s3 android rooted of course. Can set a silent tone and have thought about doing it I run the risk of missing something to do with s though. Often these text sessions start on something to do with s and then continue. I like them and dont want to stop of course so I make my life harder for myself. But I can hardly complain that this is hurting me and choose to do nothing about it I just need to act to slow down the responses unless they're s related it would seem.
So, when she texts think is this urgent is this about s does it need a response?
A few hours won't hurt unless she texts s is in er about to, have emergency surgery and might die.
When it changes to not about s don't reply. Your, replys encourage Her.
Service clubs and charities are good. You don't need to be too social but can be doing a good turn for others.
Hi gg
Yup thats pretty close to what I'm now doing.
Looking through some groups for cinema, photography, books and community right now. The closest is a ways away so far I'll keep looking though.
Morning all.
Well just about to get up (no snooze buttons Jim) and start the exercises before a shower. Then walking up to the hairdressers and then another shower to get rid of all the loose bits new top new jacket pick up kit and off to w to sort PC files.
Later I'm assuming I'll be done by lunch and leave then go into town to look for day to day trousers and tops so I can dump all my old stuff.
Interestingly emailed w to confirm time, she said was thinking you'd gone very quiet and here you are! Not reading a lot into that it could just be a jokey reply but I didnt contact her yesterday, not sure if that was noticed.
Got a line on 2 or so local groups through meet up waiting to hear back on contact from them. Cinema and photography with some (small group) socialising. Let's see if that works out.
Anyhoo must get moving.
Catch you all soon.
All sounds good Edz. Hope you managed to get some nice stuff to wear....any jewel colours in your wardrobe yet?
Sounds like you were 'missed'......I would carry on this track for a little while and see how it goes - interesting...
Good for you with the groups :-)
Well that was an interesting day as in I'm just back at 9:55 after spending since 11 this morning with w and s
Walked up and had my hair cut this morning before walking back and having a second shower getting my new duds on and heading to w with all the kit to transfer the files from her old PC, anyway this took quite a bit of time as there were a lot of files, pics as well as extracting and backing up her old outlook files.
While this was running w was running through some H.E. stuff with s and he was working in the kitchen. While we didnt get into R talk we did get into talk on s's education. We ran through the options and I said I did think a potential option for schooling may be a good one to give him a more regimented approach and to take some of the pressure from her. While we didnt really make any firm decisions we did have a good talk.
Then this afternoon I could see w was low. She sat down in the lounge and I asked her did she want me to go, she said no. I said it seemed to me that she seemed like she had too much on right now and she could talk to me on s. She had a small cry and I took her hand, we skirted R talk we didnt go into details but she did hold my hand and said she wanted to talk to me just not with s around. She's definitely torn right now shes not interested in seeing others and is happy im not pursuing dating right now.
She said she doesnt know why she never wants to go out with s for his education projects and the frustration shes having with getting him engaged with his work right now and she doesnt really understand why shes isolating noth s and herself, I asked her would she and s like to head out for a walk stretch out legs she was happy at that and we all walked down to the beach. We stopped at a cafe and had a glass of wine, orange for s, she and s had some cheesecake (I didnt order any for me) w asked me would I like to try hers and she fed me a spoonfull, we had a coffee while s had a scoot about, we had a quick chat, pets how we'd both love a dog, s and his behaviours and then a quick r talk - not the talk we need - but w basically reviewed that she cant just hit a reset switch, she'd been upset about a lot of things (all my 180s stuff) for a long time, we had a gentle talk about it, about how we'd both been talking but not taking in things from each other - it was soft, I said to w really its to her to think if she wants to stay in the marriage, all else is time, she knows I dont want us to part but I respect her. Then we walked back.
S was hungry, I'd finished the file transfers so said I could go unless she'd like some takeaway, she said she'd like that and we could all watch a movie together. One chinese takeaway and movie later we ended up watching some TV before s's bedtime. W was tired so I took my leave so she can head to bed and that was the day.
There was a lot more small stuff, small things but that felt very warm not to mention just being with them. A few points I probably pushed slightly into pursuing but they felt right at the time. When w came to the front door when I was packing the stuff in the car I kissed her hand and she said she understood what I said today waving me goodbye.
I know better than to ladle expectations on my sitch after the day, I take it for what it was, one of the best days Ive had in seven months.
Oh and w is having her delayed hair appointment wednesday early so s is coming around to stay tomorrow night.
Edz,
Sounds like you had a really good day
Hi south, yes it was, it really was. I'm obviously guarding against any expectations nothings changed and I need to remember that but I do feel w opened up a little to me today and s said as I tucked him in tonight that he'd really enjoyed it as well.
Oh toots crimson tops I've decided, dumped all my light blue stuff as it just does nothing for me, trying to go for less baggy stuff as it makes me look bigger.
Hi Edz. Sounds like a great day and your W seems to be weighing up things. No vet advice but I think you are right taking the day for what is was and putting no expectations on it. For me , the more she comes forward you need to be very careful and its a tricky line to tread. The vets say 80% and I think it's a great guide line.
Really glad for you. It's great to read a positive tale
New day tomorrow and I will keep positive thoughts for things to stay even for you
Take care mate. , Rd
Pleased you had a good day Edz....maybe it was the crimson that did it?? Hope things continue on this track for you - but don't put off GALing whilst you 'wait and see' - keep going forward on that track my friend...:-)
Morning all
Thanks toots, maybe? The fresh haircut, new crimson fitted top jeans shoes and leather jacket must be departure mentally from the much heavier black jeans t shirt and less fit waterproof wearing me from last year so couldn't hurt!
I felt a bit more hope yesterday for the first time in a long time BUT I'm not changing anything else. We dangled a lot of threads yesterday so far nothings been firmly pulled and I'm not putting huge expectations on anything soon bar s being here this evening
That sounded nice, edzs.
Sounds like things are working for you, I would try to put off r talk give more time for change. On her part not yours.
Hi gg
Well w made it clear she wants to talk to me so I'm not pushing at her. I'll just keep on with warm contact friendly invites for her to spend time with s and I when I have him but with no pressure if she doesn't want to or can't come along.
Other than that I'll keep on keeping on and see where I end up. Still on my own 7 months on but s and I are doing really well I'm fitter lighter look better and w is at least noticing not just the physical surface stuff but that I have and want to continue changing for the better.
The rest, who knows?
Evening/morning, Edz and Gg. If you have some time, please head over and offer some support for Old Dog. I think he could use some.
I popped by gan
I'll pop over and see OD too in a sec. Edz, I re-read the chapter in DR on goals (ch.3) which is useful when looking at progress in your sitch....you might find it useful to revisit that one....
Hope you're having a good day....and not too forward with the W when you see her next - no expectations and chilled Edz....wearing a nice jewel colour and cologne of course..
:-)
Hi toots
Chilled mmmm busy mm hmm all the housework thats built up before s comes tonight
just back from the ever present tescos!
Nah fine today. Only texts with w have been what time s is coming/is he eating here stuff no issues (yet) today. Stomach was a bit off but thats probably msg in the chinese! Realised with one thing and another my food yesterday was about 890kcal so no wonder my stomachs grumbling!
Keep on keepin' on edz. I haven't been posting much lately, but I am here and keeping up with you. Cheesecake coming soon to celebrate my new house.
Yum
happy housewarming dawn!
Thanks, Edz and Toots for popping over to OD. I figured this was a high traffic thread so the UK clan would likely pick it up.
Sigh. I'm now in the 9 month club. It's not very fun in this club even if I did get my vest/gilet. Keep truckin' Edz. All will be revealed in due course.
Well s is settling in upstairs w commented my curry smelled nice (was cooking when she got here) invited her to stay but fil is apparently doing repairs today and she needs to clean up.
Looking through various magazine articles we got talking about resteraunts and w is not averse to going to dinner one night. Haven't pushed on this just said ok let me know if and when youre free and I'll arrange everything (child cover etc) seems a positive direction - we'll see.
Anyhoo settling in for the night now. W is at hairdresser in the morning and having dinner with her two friends from work tomorrow night (she told s same thing, well described them from a garden party she took him to) so s will be here doing his work projects while I wfh tomorrow until about 7 tomorrow night.
I suppose I could have suspicions but really not sure what they'd do to help so just keeping on again. Things seem positive (ish) so not building expectations and just keeping my impatience under control are the challenges for now.
For this evening reasonably chilled anyway.
Hi gan
No worries happy to help anyone who's sitch is pushing them down.
Heading into month 8 here matey some things are very good (r with s) some showing signs of potential optimism. Compared with a lot of sitches I have a lot to be thankful for. I dont know what the futures going to bring, I have some warm contact with w right now I hope that leads to better days I just need to make sure impatience doesn't get the better of me and I keep the expectations under control.
We shall of course see.
Evening/morning, Edz and Gg. If you have some time, please head over and offer some support for Old Dog. I think he could use some.
Sorry gan, I went to bed, something different for me alas alone!
but who know what's around the corner.
You are a devil gg
Devil in disguise of a lambie.
Edz, you know that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar right?
V
Ok so this evening I'm not blue, not down, not fretting but I'm feeling..nervous and I dont fully understand why? If w is serious and is willing to spend time with me thats good, I'm not placing huge expectations on anything so whats this feeling all about?
Argh!
Edz, you know that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar right?
V
I'm trying v, I'm trying
Well an early start today as I need to get myself together and get s up for breakfast before I start work.
Another disturbed night. Checked in on s last night tucked him in and gave him a kiss on the head and heard him snuffling then I headed off for bed.
.. And had a wrestless 2 hours before getting to sleep.
Too much in the old noggin at the mo. Not sure why though, unless w is misleading me and I have no reason to believe she is, there are good things happening right now. S here more often. Spent time with them both on Monday talking about (if not having a firm date) to go to dinner together. This is all good, right?
So why discombobulated?
Mmmm...
Anyway got to get moving again. Need to get coffee for me on and pancakes for s on!
Will post later.
The good stuff keeps you attached.
In my case I'm glad he's gone. I couldn't do the limbo, it was just too tough, for me. Far too tough.
Then too we did the whole cooling off at times too, but our stich allowed for that as well.
It's very hard not to have expectations, I am having that same drama with blokes I'm meeting. I expect them to want to move things forward.
Most seem to struggle to man up.
Trying to get s settled to do his work today, lots of resistance exactly as I saw at the flat. We shall see what can be done, in the space of a day while Im working anyway.
Nothing from w but then if she's having her hair done would expect anything.
Upped to 60 reps this morning think thats the limit for a while although at least I can now walk afterwards which is improvement!
Morning Gg
depending on what you're looking for we are out here you may need to set out on an expedition to find us at times though
(If you think you've heard something like that its a currupted quote from L.A.Story
)
I know what you mean about attachment, the odd thing is Im not feeling upset or worrying about things as I was back in November / December it's strange like free floating anxiety.
Maybe its just things moving on is unsettling me also sensing there's something (no idea good or bad) on the horizon. I see keeping my expectations in check is going to be the challenge in the short term!
Well got through s's work sheets, made him some soup today for lunch as we're trying to keep his bread consumption down a little now he's having some computer time.
Have to say I'm still feeling really unsettled today which is really unusual when s is here maybe its because Im also working. I dont understand it though, would have thought if anything id be having problems keeping a handle on thinking things are going well and having expectations that could lead to trouble down the road.
Thats not the case. Possibly since theres been no mention of "thing" and I dont know if w just wants to wait to try to keep me as a friend, she certainly hasnt said she wants to reconcile in so many words but she equally was very happy i'm not dating theres also the whol going out to dinner conversation.
Arghh too many thoughts in my head all competing for space. I know relax, its troubling since theres no real "action" to take, going dim wouldnt help my mind racing and seems the wrong reaction given where we are and also that im not pursuing right now and emails / texts seem to be balancing following the weekend.
Pursuing further seems an equally bad idea.
Im not afraid of starting with Dinner or worried about it either (maybe what w will want to tell me I suppose).
So holding fast and trying to just relax more seems a good idea. No GAL tonight since S is here until 7 or 8 but tomorrow Im in the office then swimming and then seeing if the gym is packed out, Friday is also swimming since I didnt get to go on Sunday.
The weekend is a bit of an unknown as yet.
Discombobulated right now!
Yes, I think Arghh has become my most frequently used word. Or at least it would be if I wrote out everything that is going on in my head right now. It's interesting - our sitches are very different (unique
) but I relate a lot to how you are feeling ATM. I wish us both some peace!
Oh and since I note I didnt mention it above, yes, still love w and still really want to reconcile. I was feeling that she was the one who did NOT want this. Over our last few meetings she's not specifically said she wants to reconcile only that:
She cant hit a reset button / switch
She had a lot of bad time over the past years
She absolutely wants to speak to me just timing (in tears)
She's not seeing or has seen anyone / happy Im not either / has made no encouragement for me to do so (huge change from last July when she was saying she hoped I found someone)
Thinking on going out to dinner just as a couple
We've also had small moments that Im really not trying to blow out of all proportion such as her feeding me her cheesecake, small touching, waving instead of just backing away or turning back and going. These sound trivial but seem warmer.
So, yes, if nothing else I know dating (others) is not in my immediate future and i'm continuing to stand. W could still drop "thing" though, we shall see.
Confused bear...
Thanks Gan, just read your thread too, right back at you my friend
We've also had small moments that Im really not trying to blow out of all proportion such as her feeding me her cheesecake, small touching, waving instead of just backing away or turning back and going. These sound trivial but seem warmer.
Er...when you talk about the cheeeeeesecake, do you mean she gave you her leftovers or she literally placed her cheeeeeeesecake in your mouth? Coz if the latter, that does kinda seem like a big deal. Not something I typically do with my neighbour for instance. Nor my friends.
The latter, she and s had some I didnt since Im really invested in my getting fitter. She asked would I like some, cut some off with her spoon, dipped in cream and fed it to me.
W is very picky with cleanliness etc so I wasnt sure was I just making a big thing of it in my mind as well. She then went back to eating with the same spoon btw.
Well I don't want to turn it into a big thing if it wasn't but that doesn't speak "it's over" to me. Hang in there, Edz. Slow is fast...
Thanks Gan,
I honestly don't know if its a big thing or not. If I'm honest I felt it was a big gesture both at the time and now but I immediately question myself as to whether I'm overreacting! I therefore said nothing bar the cheese (cheeeeeeeeese) cake related Mmmm very nice / thank yous
My current read is at the very least she's conflicted as to where she wants to go. Nothing in stone about a date (calendar date not "date") to go to dinner so it's best I let things trundle for a while and don't pressure.
Think its why I'm so confused and nervous though, am I misreading all these small signs into something I want them to be when they're nothing but old habits or confusion on w's part and - despite my best intentions - I'm setting myself up for a disappointment.
Well there's only one way I'm going to find out I suppose...
Patience, all is patience.
Hi Edz, just a word of caution, things do seem on the up for you but please have no expectations. Just to give you some examples from my own sitch, W call me sweet heart, honey, loads of inuendo, told me the marriage wasn't bad, told me I'm a great dad, told me she wishs she could turn the clock back a few years, told me she hates her new life, told me she only happy when she's asleep, told me she misses me, told me she never realised what a great life she had, told me she is making a huge mistake, told me she is runing her life,will often touch my arm, wear my tops when she's at home, wearing her wedding ring and engagement ring this monday, calls me and texts almost everyday, etc, etc. BUT she does not live with me and lives a life apart from me. I think one of the vets said, actions, not words.
PLEASE don't take me the wrong way Edz, I am putting positive thoughts out there for you, I just want you to be careful with your expectations. From the above, I should have had the W's side of the bed warmed up !!!!!
I hope you take this post the way it's intended.
Positive signs, just be careful. Take care, Rd
Well w locked herself out, luckilly I still had a spare key in the kitchen drawer (in with a load of others) as neither mil/fil were around.
Went around and let her in and left the key with her, she mentioned she'll get another cut and give it back to me. Confused conversation and w just seemed to be feeling hassled about me asking should we have a key to each others places (as I did, now I dont and she said she'll give me another - I wasn't suggesting her moving in or anything that would deserve a slap from everyone!).
To be fair I think she was just feeling a bit pushed so I made my exit as soon as I could (and I had to run anyway as I had a conference call 15 minutes later).
She did say she's not ruling anything in or anything out but doesn't want to feel pressured if we're spending time together.
I'm not sure why she feels pressured but I'll take that as a reason to back waaaaay off for now. Hey ho suppose it feeds into the w is definitely conflicted thoughts. I only went there as she locked herself out though, left me feeling a bit down tbh but hey ho on with the game.
Thanks RD no, no expectations know better as the whole spare key thing proves..
Hi Edz, I agree - best to keep things low key. Particularly if your W has mentioned the word 'pressure.' WAS's are very sensitive to 'pressure' and even the mention of how things may be going forwards - like what should we do with the key - can be felt as that, even if it seems a small thing for us.
I do think there are some positive signs, and for sure your W is thinking about things. For now, I would make your policy to not initiate anything else. Remember when you didn't text one day and your W seemed to miss you? Now, she's getting flustered at the mention of the key. It's all feedback.
As for the dinner invite, I would leave that completely alone for now and have no expectations it will happen. If your W comes back and says, hey shall we go out to dinner as we discussed - you can check your availability (around pre-planned GAL) and confirm. But don't raise it with her again - it may well scare her off.
Why not get back to your GAL planning? Sounds like some nice things were going on there...
Patience Edz - I think you have become discombobulated due to hope and expectations - and it is better to expect nothing and be neutral. That way you are pleasantly surprised when something nice does happen. Like RPP and the roses.
T (((Edz)))
Well s and I went for an unplanned swim followed by dinner at MCD. W still at dinner with friends we just got back.
Yes will be planning something around gal soon, just waiting on the event diaries now and something not 90 miles away
Yup not mentioning anything about anything now, made all the offers she can let me know or more likely will retreat for a goodly long time and just hang out with s.
Thanks for the hug toots needed one this evening
You're welcome Edz. Try and keep your chin up and push forward - I know it's tough. Look at my H - popped his head out of his little hole - and popped back in again - hasn't been seen since!
Yoga GAL for me tonight - really enjoying that. Glass of wine and some popcorn now :-)
Hi toots thanks I'll try I did manage my expectations but its hard not to have a boost to hope sometimes.
W just came to get s so on my own again now, well apart from bft and a glass of red. Off to bed in a mo as tired after a not great night.
I stayed as PMA as possible as always I'm well presented although my usual cologne is more a whiff of chlorine after swimming still tidy shaved and smart even at home.
I stayed quite quiet this evening did offer a glass of wine which was refused as expected (she was driving and had some with dinner) just chivvied s off video games and everything else was packed up ready.
So likely just me bft, work, swimming and whatever gal I can fit in now until Saturday when s is back. Hey ho...off we go...
"I did manage my expectations but its hard not to have a boost to hope sometimes."
I know, I struggle with this. When I heard from H, I got hopeful that we might be in contact again...maybe meet, sort out some house stuff together etc. It isn't easy to have no expectations.
I guess the main thing is that we manage not to go into a tailspin when our hopes are raised and then we are disappointed.
You're doing great, and I'm looking forward to hearing about your GAL. Next week, I'm off to make chocolates with a local ladies group. Their motto is fun, friendship, fundraising - so, we'll see how that goes!
Sounds great toots. No idea as yet joined up with 3 photos, general group and cinema. Nothing in the diary as yet so will keep looking and join a few more, not tonight though.
Feeling a little drained both physically and spiritually tonight. Nothing like not standing thats stronger if anything this week but just feel the fights gone out of me tonight. Need to regroup, will just leave w to her own thing unless she contacts me which isn't too likely.
One thing I realised I didn't mention during the whole key debacle (and what WAS that about i almost wish I'd left her Locked out now) she said among other things
She didn't want to feel pressured if were spending time together
She hasn't ruled anything in or out
She's not stalling or messing about to get more time
The latter I forgot to mention. No idea if its relevant as I say just feel totally dB burned out tonight.
Anyway ooo 9pm I'm going to bed shattered and work tomorrow and I really do need to put in an appearance at the office so a 30 minute commute in the morning not just a walk to the office in the spare room.
Will still be online though, not a huge amount of hope of going straight to the land of nod.
Cheers.
Yeah, I didn't sleep easy at first then it was windy and dogs started an operetta!
So ok night but could have been better without the singing at the witching hour.
Need to get going I guess.
Hi gg
We had a hell of a rainstorm, about 2:45 it was so loud it woke me up looked out the window and it was like the house was underwater just a sheet of rain and it was exceedingly loud.
Went on 15 minutes or so checked on s assuming he would be worried, no, snoring away...
Have a good one
It's funny how stuff can desturb you and the ruin sleep, or at least kill the quality aspect.
It's still looking ok for you. It's hard to keep hope and expectations low, even In Day to day life, let along things in which you have a vested interest.
Hi gg
Light rain can be peaceful that was like being in a giant dishwasher!
I dont know on my sitch, who knows I understand and respect the dB ideals but I hate not communicating with w.
Right now though she knows I'm here and that I want to work with her to build a new r between us. She says shes not ruling anything out, not stalling so I suppose I just need to see.
Not much happening here today, dreadful night so rearranged thu/Fri will go into the office tomorrow (have calls most of today anyway).
Nothing from w, not expecting her to really after the pressure comment yesterday think shell retreat most likely.
Tired today but will still exercise shortly. No enthusiasm right now so will just go through the motions today. Odd I dont feel upset by w just like I'm burned out, maybe trying too hard but I dont feel I was pursuing or raising expectations maybe hope got a boost as we discussed toots, but nothing more as w is not the warm fuzzy type and likes me to stop chasing.
Well never mind, best get on. Check in later.
Wow did I break the forum, nothing posted in the past hour..
Oh well everyone must be sorted bar me
Nup, I'm round but wanting to move bottom to head to shower and bed.
Planning a trip to the royal easter show.
Sounds good Gg, the easter show i mean, although shower's good too - had a nice hot shower myself after 60 situps.
Have a good one. No idea whats going on here today seems very, very quiet!
I should post an update but anywho, too tired and there's tomorrow waiting for the car.
No worries Gg we'll wait in nervous anticip................................................................................ation
Have a good evening.
Naff all going on here apart from a lot of conference calls and a bizarre overdue electricity bill I need to query. Feel very down today about a lot of things. Got some GAL plans coming up in the next few weeks but nothing this week it will pass it always does.
Take it easy all.
Hi Edz - I'm around! Just finished work for the morning and catching up with the boards before I head into town. Got to pay that solicitor's bill!
You are right. It will pass and there's always something useful to be learned from these tough phases. Hope you're keeping busy with your calls etc.
One thing I've found is it's useful to have flexible GAL options - for those weeks that seem a bit bleugh. The bookstore volunteering is flexible for me - and Susana mentioned a lecture programme that she goes to. Are there any flexible GAL options in your area?? I suppose gym is pretty flexible already?
Is S with you from tomorrow?
Hi Toots
I've been exercising and walking more when I get blue, doesnt help if like today Im in office or have a stacked sheet of conferences but Its probably helping my fitness level.
Nothing else on the GAL as yet I think its because Im in an uncomfortable gap between trendy young things and the crumbly zone around here (80+) 40+ something activities are all the uber expensive things around here like yachting or for the want to be super fit like windsurfing and landboarding. The more, fitness and financially challenged, like me seem to be left with eating, movies or couples / family activities which is a little limiting but I will find something!
No idea on s as yet, trying not to deluge w after saying I'd back off I then had to contact her with 3 emails regarding her ebay stuff, the last of which was changing the account to her email account and reminding her she'll need to authorise it.
Didnt want to lose the account really as now I have no history but honestly she built up the feedback and I barely use it plus removes a potential aspect of pursuit as her inbox fills up with emails from me forwarded on from ebay!
Last contact I had with w yesterday was a calm one asking had she had a nice dinner (so busy extracting s from video games and I was so bushed I forgot to ask) and saying if I didnt hear from her I would be around saturday morning to pick up s.
I would love to email, text or call but she really needs to reach out to me next. Simply off the back of her comments in "keygate" yesterday and to stop me coming off as pressuring or pursuing. If I have a genuine reason to ping her I will but much as I want to tell her about my day I think I'll probably hold off.
She knows I want to reconcile, knows I was and am here for her and s and knows the offers for family days and indeed 1:1 dinners are on the table (so to speak) any more I do risks me pushing her away.
Have to say though, I dont feel needy like I did, dont feel down as I did before a started detatching but I hate, absolutely loathe not being able to send her little texts and emails like we did about how our day was going. If I miss anything during the day its those moments and the responses. Got me a little blue right now
And my Gas / Electricity bill of £340 didnt help my mood either
Well I'm mega bored this evening. Pool closed tonight, nothing at the cinema. Dinner was meh ...nice looking piece of fish but even cooked nicely didnt really taste of anything bar the lemon I put on it...meh.
Nothing from w so she can't be missing me too much not that I thought she was going to break my door down.
A big fat meh day start to finish today.
Sorry it's been a down day. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better one. Are you in the office tomorrow? It may help to be around people if you're feeling a bit low.
Now, again on this GAL front, I hear a defeatist tone....so I'm here with more 'cheap or free, and suitable for 40 somethings GAL.'
Have a look at what your local volunteer bureau is seeking
What about a book group? I think there's a site where you can search for them
Set up your own group on meetups - orange wednesday group or similar
Visit older people and chat with them in residential home (I love this when Mum is in respite.)
Invite some colleagues out to the pub
Have a look at what Gingerbread are doing locally
Have a look at library events locally
Maybe a cookery class at the local college
Did you google local clubs and societies? Often the local council has a page on these...
There we are....maybe something in there might be of some use :-)
Hi toots
Yup in the office tomorrow.
Will continue the investigation, done the local clubs and societies both a lot going on split too young / really too old! Will continue on the others though. Think being honest its 50% really dont want to do available things and 50% getting out there, some new suggestions there though I'll investigate ta.
My detatchment etc is ok at the mo but motivation and fight seem non existent right now. PMA etc is fine around w not moping etc just apart from swimming, gym, exercise, walking cinema and food just nothing I'm getting into. With s lots more of course but nothing really doing with adult company. Need to address it I know. 2x4 myself on it but having real issues there for some reason
Two lousy nights in a row, w emailed to say thanks for ebay and ask for the PW again. Got to commute tomorrow so I'm done for today I think, bath bed!
Oh toots checked the link cal volunteer sites two canal cleaning groups, 3 social media from home gigs (er no dont think I need that) nursery gardener (I can kill any plant) and litter collection. A few good things but they're in work hours and I work 8-6 so no can do.
I shall continue....but not today.
Oh edzs it's hard when you don't want to.
To be honnest the best thing I did was have quiet time and grieve. I worked posted and slept. For quite a long time. In fact pretty much months.
Thanks gg
I'll be ok, had a couple of emails from w late this evening nothing to blow the doors off just bits and bobs about TV. Haven't gone into huge conversation but at least she replied.
As I said I'll get through it all just tired and although a relative newcomer 7 months has worn me down a little after getting my own head straight, moving et all.
I'd be much better if I could just sleep properly but its evading me this week for some reason
Edz
You always know what V will say?
Go GAL, go GAL and then go
GAL again!
I will get you dancing yet! I never give up hope..........
And encouraging.
V
Edz, I hope you had a better night my friend. Being short of sleep does get to you, but it will settle and is probably a reaction to recent events.
I think Mrs Fixit temporarily emerged in respect of your GAL. I have put her back in her box now, you may be pleased to know.
Spring is on it's way, and all will be well. You will feel the sun on your face and have good times on the beach with S whichever way...:-)
Morning toots,all.
All help greatfully accepted.
Better night, could do with another couple of hours but work calls!
Will be back later all.
Edz
You always know what V will say?
Go GAL, go GAL and then go
GAL again!
I will get you dancing yet! I never give up hope..........
And encouraging.
V
Come on down to Camber Sands for a Ceroc weekender next weekend :-)
Edz
You always know what V will say?
Go GAL, go GAL and then go
GAL again!
I will get you dancing yet! I never give up hope..........
And encouraging.
V
Come on down to Camber Sands for a Ceroc weekender next weekend :-)
All we need is Toots too and the gang is there with toes a twinkling. V is warming up already.
V
Well, that would be lovely! However, Toots already has double GAL plans next weekend! Friend visiting on Sat and Mum sitting on Sun (not sure the latter counts as GAL - but she's great company!)
Hope you're having a better day Edz, while we all chat on your thread! H and I are discussing asset division at the moment, so I'll post later how that goes - eek... I'm trying to make sure he leads this and I just follow/respond..
Hi all very busy one
W called me apropos nothing asked could I possibly pick up some curry paste for her if i was shopping and drop it when I pick s up. We had a pleasant chat.
Dont think there will be much super time like last week this week she's clearing the garage with mil/fil tomorrow but will make time with s and make sure he has a nice time.
May be away from the site for a while. I need to work bits out myself and decide what makes some of me tick before I can truly sort out gal, I also want to wait observe and decide what it is that works with r and m not to mention re read both dB and dr. I will check in maybe not as much as I have been for a while though.
Of course I reserve the right to change my mind by the morning
Did forget to say lots of the guys in the office hadn't caught up with me for a while had a lot of very positive comments on appearance and weight which was nice. One male collegues response when he came in this morning "bloody he11!" I take that as a positive anyway
Bit down on weight as I seem to have a wall on waist and thighs but then fat loss from specific parts is a myth anyway it goes fromwherever the body feels like stripping it from, you can concentrate on some muscles but it doesn't mean the fat will go from there first...mores the pity only liposuction does that and I can't afford that or want it anyway!
Hi Edz, glad you had a better day....sounds like you've been busy thinking about things and reading too. These dips we have, whilst painful, can help us move forwards too..
We'll miss you if you don't post so much - but equally it's good to get off the forum and do some GAL!
Have a good weekend with S :-)
"Bloody hell" definitely sounds like a positive to me!
Keep it up, edz.
Yeah, I got that one. I think it's part postative Shock part compliment.
The only comment I read as a nagative was the woman that come in and said
" surely by now you've lost 2kg! "
I treated her like it was a + but in my way let her know she wasn't being overly nice.
Morning all
Yes had a lot of comments people who sort of know me said I looked really good and should keep doing what I'm doing, developer I work with told me she really liked my hair and generally got good comments which made me feel a bit better since I'm a little hung up on waist size in my exercise and diet right now, will just take time.
So last night short email chain with w but I didnt let that go on very long, this morning short chain on picking up s as w is having trouble getting him to wash his hair or have a shower etc. Anyway went around and picked him up w seems to be in a zone to spontaneously excuse why she can't spend time with s and I or to talk to me I just respond with thats fine. Think she's more trying to defend reasoning to herself than me but whatever.
Anyway s and I at the house washed his hair and once thats dry were heading out to library, mooch and then either throw the baseball around or maybe mini golf.
As I said won't be about as much but will check in on everyone and the odd update. Thanks to you all
Gg
Have you seen those artificial fat thingies?
2 kg is 5 tubs of butter or blocks of cheeeeese
V
Edz
Have you read the Daily Wail today yet? BFT wrote an article which is in the comic 'how to have a contented cat'
contented cat V
That's a great if sometimes a little sad article v, although bft was looking a little nervous about average lifespans since she's 16 this year!
This morning she had a cat / pillow interface though as she decided her litter required a clean and she was hungry at 5am! And her litter had already been fully changed at 7 last night.
She seems to have transitioned from an outside to an inside cat with no real issues though.
We're going to lock guys, before we do here's a new thread
Part 16 - edz, just edz