Going Dark to Save My Sanity? - DivorceBusting.com

Hi all, new here!

Bit of background:

Together for 13 years, married for two, 16yo DD and 4yo DD. Husband left 5 months ago after I went off the planet for about a year, found out it was due to my contraceptive pill!! ugh!! I stayed in the family home for 3 months until it got too hard to get grounded, was an emotional basketcase. Moved to my mothers for 6 weeks and in that time he fell "in love" with another woman. Came home just prior to Christmas (he moved out of the family home) for my daughters sake and the OW dumps him a day later with some kind of ultimatum (no idea what it was), it was never physical up until that point. Two days later he came over and we slept together, thought it was the right thing to do because one of the major things was lack of in our marriage due to my contraceptive pill killing my sex drive.They reunited a month ago now.

Since being away I was able to ground myself and get my head into the game, even with OW in the picture I was good until just recently when I have had to purchase new home and start packing up and selling things off, it's really gotten to me. The property belongs to his family so I have to leave. Problem is he keeps coming over every day and seeing us, chats and tells me about his woes or how this is the happiest he has been for a while. I have been fine with that and working with the goal in mind of starting a new relationship with him, but with all the other emotional stuff of selling off my memories, dreams and hopes, moving etc, it's just taking a toll on my emotionally being there for him.I am deathly afraid that I will let him know what I think, and at this point in time, it's not good!! haha

This morning I decided to go dark for a couple of weeks, his turn for having our 4yo DD. Texted him saying don't worry about this Sunday, was going to go out and do something and he was going to look after her, I would rather spend the time with DD, will catch you in a couple of weeks. Was just a subtle way of saying don't come round so to speak?? lol Reply was "ok".

Wondering if this is the right move or not, it's just so hard at the moment coping with all of these emotions to have him here everyday. Guess I am just trying to protect myself at this point so I can get through the difficult times that coming up. Prepared to put that aside though if it means it will damage the cause. Sometimes I just feel as if he is having his cake and eating it too? I am still here for him to talk to and have a laugh with, listen about his day etc.

Everyone's thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Michelle

Being your H's "BFF" while he's in an active A is never a good idea.

Thanks Train, thought I was being too available. So how should I handle it?

Am I still on moderation? Or have I posted somewhere where there isn't much traffic? Really need some direction so I know I'm heading straight instead of going of course.

Originally Posted By: Calopie

Am I still on moderation? Or have I posted somewhere where there isn't much traffic? Really need some direction so I know I'm heading straight instead of going of course.

You also have this thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...091#Post2533091

Keep posting and asking questions
I dont think you are on moderation now.

I usually post this for newbies

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

What changes are you making to yourself?

Have you read DB and DR?
I dont think going dark in an active affair is a bad idea.

It has restored the balance in me, so it was a wise move! I have read DB and have a personal coach, one session, DR is in the mail! My situation was that my contraceptive pill changed not only my health but personality, something that was not discovered until January of this year. He is aware of the diagnosis because I had the discussion with him, wanting him to know that there was no reasoning with me while I was on it in the end, I even thought I was going insane! I am 100% back to me now, all health and mental problems just wore off one by one after I stopped taking this pill. During all the dramas he was aware I was searching for answers as to why the sex drive was gone, we had a heart to heart about that only a month before the split, so he knew I was upset it was missing in our lives, we were like pornstars previously and he did say in January I was the best sex he has ever had, this of course was pre the OW, so I don't know now if that is the case, and quite frankly I will never ask!! I have not seen nor heard from him for 4 days now and don't expect to until next week. It has been his normal, when not having our daughter, to disappear from Friday through to Monday, assuming this is the time spent with the OW as he does not appear to spend much time with her otherwise.

IMHO dont focus on the OW,

This is not a competition with your H as the prize.

Make changes for YOU, become a little mysterious.

What other changes are you making?

Hi Cadet,

Yes I realise my Husband is not a prize. There was nothing wrong with the person I was before, am now. I have hobbies, good friends, wonderful children and a very supportive family. It was the medication that radically changed my personality, and this is what caused him to switch off. This is where I am unclear on what I should be doing?

Okay I can't find where to edit my post and it was not helping others help myself so I will write down what was the problems and what has changed since.

*I let my appearance go to the point where I would not shower for days or change my clothes - I am back to taking two daily showers, clean clothes everyday, with hair styled etc. Nothing radical, just back to how I was before. We are farmers and overly dressed for everyday life would be very much out of place. I have been wearing nice dresses when I have gone out to town, something I did not do before. I have also lost 10kgs and am feel much more confident in my body.

*I neglected my family and home to the point I did not clean the house and left the feeding of our daughter up to my husband - Cleaning is done on a daily basis and I fully look after our daughter except every second weekend he has her.

*I could not have a disagreement without having to be right, I would fixate on things and would not let them go, push to the point where it would just blow up - Not a single argument with him or any other person in my life since November 2014. There have been disagreements, but all have been handled without an outburst, I know I don't have to be right all the time, I would rather pick my battles and be happy.

*Isolated myself from friends and family - reconnected with some friends, probably the most difficult part because when I moved here 13 years ago all his friends became mine, I have reconnected with a few, not able to socalise much with them though as the type of lifestyles they lead are extremely busy and they are hard to catch up with. I am joined a club, picked up a new hobby to get out and meet new people, having a 4yo does limit me as it is shooting and I cannot take her with me, so it's only when I do not have her and time/money constraints.

*I developed a serious spending/internet addiction - completely stopped the unnecessary spending and spending time on the internet. Unfortunately I am having to sell a lot of things to move and am finding I have to devote time back to the internet, not addictive behavior though, just what is necessary.

*I developed lots of health issues - all my health issues have disappeared since I have stopped taking the medication, both physically and mentally.

*My sex drive was killed off totally - returned to normal after the effects of the pill wore off.

GAL has probably been the biggest challenge. I am in a small town on a farm and a bit isolated. I have full time care of my 4 year old and family and friends are not close. I am admitting I am faking this until I make this happen, I do put on the illusion for my husband that I have a life outside of home, which is all I can do for the moment. In the middle of buying a house and moving because the family home does not belong jointly to us, it's owned by my husband and his family and I have been told to move.

Hope this information will help others help me. Thanks

Also have some specific questions on how to handle some situations too please.

We have discussed what to do with our wedding photos that hang on the wall. He has said I should keep them because they are our history, I have said I do not want them and will leave it up to him to do as he wants with them. Should I be taking them? To be honest I have no ideas what to do with them, I would not hang them up in my new place, it's just a painful reminder of what was at the moment. Should I be leaving them here for him to deal with? He has not had to deal with any of the "us" things with the home. I am sorting and packing up the house all by myself. There is also my wedding dress and his suit to deal with and to be honest I just want to leave them here and not deal with the disposal of such precious things.

When I move should I let him help? He has offered but I have said I will handle it all.

When it comes to our daughter and how she is emotionally handling this whole situation, should I be keeping him informed as in letting him know she is not a happy, carefree child anymore? In the beginning he was of the opinion she was unaffected because all he saw was a happy kid when she was with him, it's the behaviors at home with me when he is not here that he does not see. My DB coach has suggested to try and get him involved more, and this is more for reconciliation purposes, by family dinners or family time together, but when I touched on the subject he was not overly enthusiastic about it. He does work long hours being a farmer and has expressed that he likes his home time. He has other things at night that he does during the week like sports and farming can be a 7 day a week job. I don't know if pushing the point just reflects back to me not being able to drop the subject, and I have to admit there would be some ulterior motives besides the emotional welfare of our daughter.

Another thing is should I gloss over the fact that this is going to be financially and physically hard on me? I know full well what is ahead of me, having done this before with two other children. Previous marriage to this I left because it was abusive, funny enough my ex husband is very supportive, even saying that my now husband will realise what he has lost but his ego will get in the way of coming back to make it right, amazes me where the support pops up from!

As far far as him wanting us to be friends, who do you handle that, what to say? How much do I listen and bolster him up about his daily life? He has a lot on his plate, financially with the farm, worries about it to the point it keeps him from sleeping he says, should I be the shoulder to cry on about his life or if not how do I cut this off in a way that does not burn my bridges? Another one of the problems before was that we did not talk, I was not there for him, he just felt like I was taking him for granted and all he did for our family. I do say how I appreciate the things he does for us now, when he mows the lawn, all the little and big things. One thing he has said that strikes a cord and that the OW makes him feel special, and I know that's something I did not do in the last year.

More questions sorry!

Things that need to be done around the house that I cannot do. Living rural presents problems, little things like our rubbish bins need to be emptied now and its something that requires his utility to do, I cannot do it nor can I get anyone else out here too. I know he realises they need to be done and he does do them, but do I leave him to do it in his own time or when they really need doing, or just put up with things not being done. I knows it seems like really small things, just the small things are a part of the big picture I guess. We are not together and it feels like I am still relying on him to do things for me when I shouldn't maybe?

Kids are a great way to gal. Even if your rural.

When my s17 was small play group, pre school, parents groups school functions.

Besides parents love to talk, and the changes in you will filter back via others trust me. My hasn't spoken since September to me directly, but has been sending mates to check up. The story was networking with people for jobs. I'm unsure how he was networking alone!

Live along way from town, my commute to work is 40min. When I want to create image or impression I dress up any where and often. When I finish work early I get changed into something pretty and easy to carry. Ie dress and heels.

I wear make up every where but on farm. No exceptions, you don't know who is watching and talking. The local gossipy hair dress made a pointed coment, she I'm sure cuts mil hair.

The best revenge is living well, and getting ahead.

On the rubbish bag it up place in car and take with you to town.

Smaller lots but it means you do not need to ask, nor nag and worry.

As to being h friend, that's personal choice, I could not. I bascially went nc in March. I didn't contact h wasnt contacting me.

Farming women Built and did great things stop selling your self short. In the old days they did everything without electricly and one new baby per year to contended with.

Leant to use the chain saw, I do always had my own.
Learn to drive the tractor, how ,I learnt to drive a car.
Get a truck licenece like I did, get a gun licence if you need to like I did.

Do what you need to do find more creative ways to do is all.

Yeah I know we are strong women, chainsaw, gun toting, tractor driving one here too! haha The bins are huge and full and he has the ute, that problem is solved anyway, in the meantime between posts he has turned up! haha I do get out into our small town and chat to a lot of the locals, surprising the support I have, such a shame his reputation is being trashed, I do not want this for him, steering clear of the gossip as much as I can!

Originally Posted By: Calopie

Hi Cadet,

Yes I realise my Husband is not a prize. There was nothing wrong with the person I was before, am now. I have hobbies, good friends, wonderful children and a very supportive family. It was the medication that radically changed my personality, and this is what caused him to switch off. This is where I am unclear on what I should be doing?

I struggled with this too when I first arrived here.

I was a good husband and when I looked in the mirror there seemed like their was nothing to FIX.

Took me along time to realize that I was co-dependent, enabling and a FIXER.
Was told by a wise DB'er that most LBS's fit in this category.
So we all have thing to work on it just may not be as obvious as, we are overweight, or talk to much.

Hope that helps.

Whines but cadet I do both those things!

Well I know as a human being I am not perfect, there are always ways to improve as a person. He was very happy with me before I changed, rushed home from work to be with us etc. This is where I am getting confused perhaps, my 180, personality wise, was because of the medication I was taking, he left because he could not handle who I had become, the moods, the fights etc, it wasn't easy and fun anymore was his words, and he gave up.

Originally Posted By: Calopie

Well I know as a human being I am not perfect, there are always ways to improve as a person. He was very happy with me before I changed, rushed home from work to be with us etc. This is where I am getting confused perhaps, my 180, personality wise, was because of the medication I was taking, he left because he could not handle who I had become, the moods, the fights etc, it wasn't easy and fun anymore was his words, and he gave up.

Who said marriage was easy?

So get back to be that person who is fun and easy.
He will either notice or he wont,
you can only control YOU,
and become the best YOU can be.

How do you know that it is ALL YOUR fault?

There might be nothing you can do, expect be in charge of you.

Do it for you. And yes for all that time you were enough that time has past.