Hi all. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I will try to condense as much as possible.
My husband and I have been together just shy of 10 years with 2 young boys. We have always had a pretty good relationship with the exception of our ever 6-12 month fights. Husband has never moved out or mentioned the D word in any of these arguments. 9 weeks ago he went to work and never came home. He said he needed a couple days because he was unhappy and didn't know what would make him happy but didn't want to meet and talk to me because he didn't want to make a rash decision. Well I cried and said I didn't want him to leave our family let's fix this blah blah
He moved in with his boss and boss family. Refused to meet me ever. Went to counseling once and refused to go back with me. He went individually twice saying he had issues he needed to work on but all the sudden stopped going and shut everyone out. Cut off his family and close friends. Barely sees our boys unless I'm not there because he doesn't want to see me. We finally met after him being gone for 7 weeks. Everything was fine. He talked normal at the end we hugged and he said he didn't know what he wanted but he still loved me and had a lot of thinking to do. Well I found out (online ) he filed for divorce a week after we met. He still hasn't told me all his stuff is still at the house and he's still living with his boss. Who by the way he and his wife have more than involved themselves in this relationship. They have told my husand I have said things that have never been said that are ridiculous.
He has lost about 30 lbs and he did not have any weight to lose. When we talked this last weekend which is few and far between. He just is so angry with me. Saying all we do is argue. It took him leaving the house to see that I was what was unhappy in his life. I just don't get it. I never saw any of this coming. He just had a contractor come over to get a quote on adding on our house. He made valentines day plans days before leaving. He slept next to me every night. I'm having such a hard time accepting this divorce when I don't understand why our family isn't worth fighting for. I feel so sad for our boys.
Welcome to the board
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power
___________________
Hi TO,
I'm so sorry you find yourself here. However, this board is wealth of information and support. Please read over Cadet's links and remember that knowledge is power.
Make sure you and your boys are protected financially. Also, focus on you and your kids. Do things that will make you happy with your h or without. This is important because life doesn't and should not stop for you and your kids. I know it is very painful, however, focus on living every day to the fullest.
A word of advice, definitely believe none of what they say. That can be most challenging if your h was very honest and moral prior to this. However, this is pertinent in detaching (IMHO).
Hang in there:)
He filed for divorce
he hasn't told me he only told me he was going to meet with an attorney but I saw online that he filed. I will be getting served any day now.
We have always had a pretty good relationship with the exception of our ever 6-12 month fights.
Some counselors claim that infrequent fights like this are actually healthy for the marriage. My W and I almost never fought, maybe once every 4 or 5 years. And we're divorced now. So don't assume the fighting is the problem!
He said he needed a couple days because he was unhappy and didn't know what would make him happy but didn't want to meet and talk to me because he didn't want to make a rash decision.
That is really the bottom line right there. Most WAS's are "unhappy". Often they don't know why, so they end up blaming all their unhappiness on the LBS. That's why one of the cornerstones of DB'ing is to leave them the heck alone, because if you can remove yourself from the equation they will eventually learn that it is not the LBS making them unhappy, and then they have to go about the difficult process of figuring out how they can be happy again. Happiness comes from within, but WAS's think it's a "thing" that they must actively seek.
Honor his wish.
Went to counseling once and refused to go back with me.
Good. MC is a terrible idea with a WAS, it just pushes them out the door.
but all the sudden stopped going and shut everyone out. Cut off his family and close friends. Barely sees our boys unless I'm not there because he doesn't want to see me.
Fairly typical WAS actions. Give him the time and space he's asking for.
Who by the way he and his wife have more than involved themselves in this relationship. They have told my husand I have said things that have never been said that are ridiculous.
But you really don't know what they said, do you? Sounds like either some snooping or mind-reading going on there, and neither are going to serve you well. One of the guys here (Denver) found out after he reconciled that the people he thought were his W's worst enablers were actually trying to convince her to work on the M. Bottom line- you don't know what people are actually telling your H.
He has lost about 30 lbs and he did not have any weight to lose.
What does that tell you? He's hurting, he's in pain, this is very difficult for him. You can't help him or fix him though. Leave him to his journey.
When we talked this last weekend which is few and far between. He just is so angry with me. Saying all we do is argue.
Listen and validate. "I can tell how angry you are, and how frustrated you were that we argued. I understand why you feel that way." Don't reason/ beg/ plead/ negotiate/ argue. Just validate.
Thank you for your response. I am trying to figure out the best way to handle this for him to realize what he's doing and atleast try to work on this. However I am losing hope now that I know he has filed for divorce.
Well I was served last night. I guess it's time to start accepting it's over. I have left him alone and I don't ever hear from him unless it's about the boys. I am so devastated for my family
So sorry to hear that. I can only imagine how devastated you must feel. Some wise people on here told me to accept where your H is right now and move forward with your life. Take care of yourself and your boys.
However, that does not mean you do not have to give up on your M. It's not over unless you don't want it anymore or you give up.
Hang in there.
Oops, hit submit instead of preview
Have you read DR or DB?
I guess it's time to start accepting it's over.
First, yes... your old M is over, and will not come back.
But, do YOU want to get divorced?
T0324,
Please listen to AS, lost18, and woundedfool. I may be wrong but DR was an easier read for me. Both books are important and I've learned more about myself in the last 3 months with them and writing and rereading my journal. They are worth it I promise.
T0324,
Please listen to AS, lost18, and woundedfool. I may be wrong but DR was an easier read for me. Both books are important and I've learned more about myself in the last 3 months with them and writing and rereading my journal. They are worth it I promise.
DR spoke to me more, but I did read both (several times).
No I have not read either. I am not ready to give up but he is so angry with me talking terribly about me to his friends I don't see how I can ever salvage anything when he feels the way about me that he tells people. I ordered DR recently.
No I have not read either......I ordered DR recently
Good start. Remember, it is only for YOU... so don't share it with him or anyone else in your situation (except for us)
I am not ready to give up
Good! Dig in, because this will not be solved this week, this month or even this year. But this will be a good journey for you.
but he is so angry with me talking terribly about me to his friends
You don't know that for sure, do you?
I don't see how I can ever salvage anything when he feels the way about me that he tells people.
Worry about that when it is time to worry about it (wayyyyyyyyyyyy down the road, so far down the road, it will be a distant memory that you will not even remember).
T0324, I can only give encouragement but take time for yourself. Dig into DR book as soon as you get it!
I've said horrible things to my W knowing I didn't mean a single word I was saying but still did it. As WoundedFool said, worry when it's time later on. That is very important.
Keep your chin up.
So what am I supposed to do when he refuses counseling and says he is done and he is just unhappy and he is different than me and doesn't want to try? I don't get how he can walk out on us, file for divorce in a month of being gone with no warning. I am devastated. I have been fighting for 11 weeks today with it only getting worse and worse. Please help me
So what am I supposed to do when he refuses counseling and says he is done and he is just unhappy and he is different than me and doesn't want to try?
What are you supposed to do? Right now, roll over and take it. Right now, that is his perception... he believes this. It's not for anyone but him to alter that perception. It may happen, it may not happen.
Idon't get how he can walk out on us, file for divorce in a month of being gone with no warning.
It's not for you to get, none of it makes sense to you, us, family, friends etc. That is why you need to detach.
I know. I really know. I especially know. I of all people responding to you know. You are ME when I came to this site in Feb 2013. I was just a few months shy of my 10 year anniversary. Came home to a BD, made no sense to anyone (including her friends/family). 6 weeks before the BD she booked a 1st class trip for us for our anniversary (does that sound like someone who has been unhappy? To go from that to filing for a D and moving out?Our scripts are virtually identical. For right now you need to have faith in the MWD/DB plan.
I have been fighting for 11 weeks today with it only getting worse and worse. Please help me
You have been fighting with the wrong ammunition, Read DR and that will help you get the correct ammo.
Thank you for taking the time to respond. What happened with your marriage if you don't mind me asking?
Can you detail your marital history for us? We'll be able to offer specific advice and comments if you give us your backstory. What were some of the more specific reasons that he says were decisive for him to leave?
Also your ages and specific dates would help in your signature line.
We have been together since I was 18 and he was 21. We are soon to be turning 28 and 31. We have 2 boys 3 and 6 years old. We have been living in a commited relationship since very early on in the relationship. We bought a house together 1 year after being together. His reasons for leaving are that he feels no matter what nothing is good enough for me. He feels like I hate his job and all I do is complain about his job and money. He says that he has told me this over and over and at some point people reach their breaking point and this was his breaking point. We moved from Sarasota 2 years ago and the man he became employed by made empty promises and is actually paying him less than what he told us he would pay him. So I have been on Him about his job asking him what's going on because he has done so much and isn't being recognized for that. He told his boss in January if they didn't start paying him more he would be leaving and getting a new job. Well February comes and he made valentines day and for us and 2 days later just never came home from work. He said he just needed a couple days that he was unhappy with his life and just needed some time to himself. Unfortunately he went to live with his boss - all of his friends told him not to do that. That they weren't good people with his best interest. He didn't listen obviously and has been living with them for the last 11 weeks. I am typing on my phone so sorry for any errors and if it's scattered all over the place.
Okay let's break this down...
"His reasons for leaving are that he feels no matter what nothing is good enough for me."
Is that true? Have you complained more about him than praised him?
"He feels like I hate his job and all I do is complain about his job and money."
Was this true? Did you complain?
"We moved from Sarasota 2 years ago and the man he became employed by made empty promises and is actually paying him less than what he told us he would pay him. So I have been on Him about his job asking him what's going on because he has done so much and isn't being recognized for that."
HOW did you say this to him? Were you encouraging or nagging?
"He told his boss in January if they didn't start paying him more he would be leaving and getting a new job. Well February comes and he made valentines day and for us and 2 days later just never came home from work. He said he just needed a couple days that he was unhappy with his life and just needed some time to himself. Unfortunately he went to live with his boss - all of his friends told him not to do that. That they weren't good people with his best interest. He didn't listen obviously and has been living with them for the last 11 weeks."
Something doesn't seem right. It doesn't seem like you filled in alot of details. HOw have you been treating him? How was your intimacy? How did he treat you throughout the M? We need more details rather than bullet points of the past and what is going on now. How old is the boss? Did they always get along? Etc.
You can click on my name and find my threads/posts (that will give you my backstory.
But for the here and now, let's focus on YOU. Because this help and healing will be about YOU.
As I said earlier, there is no magic answer that will open his eyes and make him come running back. But patience and an open mind are very important for you to have right now. I know your trust meter is hurting right now, but open up and pour out as much as you can here. That will:
1. Be therapeutic for you in the sense of journaling.
2. Help us to gain perspective into helping you brainstorm your situation.
Finally, I would still suggest reading DR or DB ASAP, But also consider phone coaching (it is my only regret in my journey, that I didn't utilize a DB Coach).
T0324, relax and take to heart what MrBond and WF say. The details matter. I fell into the "more of the same" reactions and tendancys when my WAS did her BD after I was crazy. You'll read about in the books and it'll make more sense. If you don't have books yet you can still be writing about what you remember, what you are doing, and what reactions things cause. Word of caution, be unbiased in appraising yourself and H. It'll mean more and make details clearer.
Find something that will make you smile. Kids, funny pet pic, anything, and use it to stay focused on being happy and strong. Hope that helps and I wish the best.
Yes I did complain about his job but I made it clear it was his job and not him. I always told him I wanted better for him and our family. His boss and him get along well including his boss' wife. He doesn't like that I am not fond of them we used to do joint dinners and couples night and I was always nice to them but between my husband and I he knew I felt they did not have his best interest. They always say they do not have money to give him a raise meanwhile they are always going on vacations buying new things and spending a lot of money while my husband works until late at night and on weekends and gets paid the same regardless (maybe he was making more and didn't tell me but I don't believe he was).
We used to argue about his job because he took a 50% paycut when we moved back from Sarasota but we did that because he didn't like Sarasota and wanted to get back home to where we live now so he told me the pay cut was just for 6 months max and that he promised he would be making back to what he was after his boss saw how much work he could get done. Well here we are 2 years later and he's making less than he was when we moved back. He tells me I don't understand his job to which I agree but I am only asking him to do what he said because we have exhausted our savings making ends meet.
His boss and boss' wife have not been good during this. He told me his boss said that I said he was sleeping with his wife which is an absolute lie. And that I also told him I wanted to have him killed. The fact that they can even say things like that is absurd.
Our relationship has been okay. Don't get me wrong. We do argue. But it is about his job with him not being home. He works until late during the week as usually spends half of the weekend at work ( yes. I know he is there I take the boys up there sometimes). Other than that there is nothing that has happened between us to the best of my knowledge. We just went on a cruise alone with friends a few months ago. We just went to the mountains in January to go skiing with our boys. Like I said he made valentines day reservations days before and was sleeping next to me every night. We had a cruise planned for March for our sons birthday which he bailed on and didn't go so I had to take our boys together even though my son cried to him begging him to come
He has told his friends that don't live here that he has been sleeping on the couch and we have been doing counseling for the last year and he realized it's over that we can't fix anything. All of that is not true
I don't get where all these lies are coming from. From the day he left I have told him how much I love him and am willing to compromise and fix this because I love him and I am sorry if I made him feel the way he says about me not appreciating him or not being good enough for me. But I can't fix anything if he doesn't give me a chance. I said I wish you would have communicated with me and told me these things instead of acting like everything is fine. His response is he is just DONE. He wouldn't meet me since he left. We went to counseling once and he wouldn't go back with me. He went back twice alone because he said he had problems he needed to fix for us. Well he stopped going and filed for divorce shortly after. He told his mom he stopped going because he can't go I counseljng for the rest of his life. He told me it was because he didn't have the money
I hope this helps some. I will be more than happy to answer any questions to the best of my ability. I appreciate everyone's insight
We are going to meet tonight to talk about the boys. Any advice?
Just to reaffirm, reading DR (and posting/lurking here) will be a great start for you. Based on your some of your details you have indeed been using the wrong ammo. Its just too much to go into without you reading at least the first portion of DR (we should be on the same page).
Since you already ordered DR, I would also recommend* running down TODAY to your local B&N and getting Divorce Busting. As it will help you with understanding the advice/critique we give you, and some of the lingo: LRT (which you should be doing), GAL's, Cheese-less tunnels, etc.
*DR spoke to me more then DB, but I am glad I read both.
Also, you have given us some clarity on him, and your R... but what about YOU?
Finally, have you looked into individual counseling for you (and ultimately your kids)?
We are going to meet tonight to talk about the boys. Any advice?
What do you anticipate talking about? Custody? Visitation? Financial issues? What to tell them?
But in the general sense:
1. Smile, be happy (no crying).
2. Keep it strictly on the kids (ZERO talk of marriage/relationship/etc).
3. Do not tell him you love him.
Where will you be doing this?
I have been going to counseling since he left. My counselor didn't think this would end up in divorce and when I told him I was served he was shocked. He believes my husband is making this decision on emotion and anger. That he has built up things in the last couple years and being passive and not sharing it with me he has imploded.
What about me? I have tried to stay busy with my boys and friends and family. I do have said days and have tried to stop letting this consume my life but I love
My husband. I do not love the man he is right now but I see him for the man he was for the last 9 years. I am not ready to give up.
So is it better I tell him I can't meet tonight? DR Should be here soon hopefully. I just want to have hope that this won't end in divorce but I'm starting to believe it is done forever. I can't imagine not doing the things we have made traditions together as a family. I don't want to even imagine another woman in my boys life and I can't picture myself with anyone else. For lack of a better word - this [censored]. I know you all know that but it makes me feel better just typing it! He walked out and abandoned us - it is the worse feeling in the world to think that he is content with never having me in his life as his wife anymore
And right now we do not talk at all. Unless it is about the kids. I don't ask him about money or bills anymore since that was his complaint about me and he's not helping financially anymore so it's a waste of time to ask.
I want to make a plan for the kids. Because the last time I asked he told me he still loved me and didn't want to make anything permanent and we would take it week by week. Then when we left he sent me a text saying he was sorry and just needed time to figure things out. Well you can see how that turned out. Clearly he was lying because he had already been to a lawyer to file paperwork.
He believes my husband is making this decision on emotion and anger. That he has built up things in the last couple years and being passive and not sharing it with me he has imploded.
Extremely likely, that is why it is important you give him: Time, Space and no pressure to make any decisions (especially long term).
So is it better I tell him I can't meet tonight? DR Should be here soon hopefully.
If you can keep your emotions in check and discuss only the kids, I would. If you are uncertain about keeping the in check, I would not.
I just want to have hope that this won't end in divorce but I'm starting to believe it is done forever.
Remove any and all expectations. No one knows how this will play out.
to think that he is content with never having me in his life as his wife anymore
He doesn't know that, and you certainly don't know that. Right now, the grass is greener where he is, but how could it not be? He is living like a college kid right now, no kids to take care of, no meals to cook, crashing on a boss/friends couch. Let that soak in for him, without interference from you. The grass slowly starts to brown.
You mentioned you were served, have you retained an attorney yet?
I want to make a plan for the kids.
Plan? About what?
I don't ask him about money or bills anymore since that was his complaint about me and he's not helping financially anymore so it's a waste of time to ask.
I am not a lawyer... but remember: Just because he left, does not absolve him for his financial responsibilities (kids, shared debt, etc.).
Also, search youtube for MWD's video's. Good stuff there.
I have asked him if he doesn't care to ever have me have me in his life as his wife and he said to be honest I'm done. I am different than you and I'm done. He can't even make eye contact with me when he says things like that to me.
No I have not retained an attorney. I was just served Monday night and I have met with 4 prior to being served so now I have to make my choice since the 20 day countdown is in effect. I just really can't believe he is going through with this. He signed the papers a month after being gone. Without ever meeting me to talk about us like he said he would from day one. Nothing but empty promises which I now know not to believe but I believed him then. I gave him space like he asked in the beginning and waited to meet him because he said 'I don't want to make a rash decision I need a week or two to wait to think about things before we meet'
And yes I agree his life right now is unrealistic. He has not gotten his own place. His stuff is still at our house. If anyone came over you wojld think he still lived here minus a few pairs of shoes and a couple shirts and pants missing.
I guess I don't see how he will ever change his mind when he has already paid and filed for divorce and is moving full force with it.
By the way I went to the library and they carry divorce busting! So they are having it sent in from another branch so I should have it in hand by the weekend
he said to be honest I'm done. I am different than you and I'm done. He can't even make eye contact with me when he says things like that to me.
So your taking him at his word that he is done? Has he been "honest" about anything else recently? Like being in counseling for a year? Like sleeping on your couch for a long time?
A big mantra around here is "believe 50% of what you see, and NONE of what you hear"
I guess I don't see how he will ever change his mind when he has already paid and filed for divorce and is moving full force with it.
Sounds like you are setting an expectation, as well as trying to read his mind.
Well we met tonight. He wants the boys 2 nights a week and every other weekend. I don't know that we will be able to come to an agreement completely because this would require the boys being in daycare the 2 days he has them bc he has to work. I don't feel they should have to change their routine and should be able to be with me after school instead of waiting In a daycare for him
He brought up us always fighting. We spent about 30 minutes talking about issues and what not. I know that I shouldn't have but when he started saying things I couldn't ignore it. I said I was sorry if he felt that way but wish he would have communicated it with me instead of never telling me. It ended with him saying I don't know why we are discussing this it's never going to change and it doesn't matter because I'm done it's over I am done and I only want to talk about the kids you are too emotional for me to deal with.
After we went back and forth about the kids and me telling him the boys are not as okay as he thinks they are because he never sees them he said they are kids they will get over it. It's better than them living with two parents that fight and are unhappy. I said you're right I don't want that kind of life but I was only asking for the opportunity to make things happy for our family before he rushed into filing for divorce within a month of being gone
That's when he just got in his car and said let me know what you want to do about the kids. He will just continue to avoid his problems and not acknowledge any of this.
Well we met tonight. He wants the boys 2 nights a week and every other weekend. I don't know that we will be able to come to an agreement completely because this would require the boys being in daycare the 2 days he has them bc he has to work. I don't feel they should have to change their routine and should be able to be with me after school instead of waiting In a daycare for him
First, do not do ANYTHING to impede him spending time with the kids (not suggesting you have). If he wants time with the kids, bend over backwards for them to have weekend, after-school, etc. time.
Second, when he talks about 2 days... Where? Does he have his own place yet? If it is still at the bosses "couch house", IMhO that is not an appropriate place for them to stay.
He brought up us always fighting. We spent about 30 minutes talking about issues and what not. I know that I shouldn't have but when he started saying things I couldn't ignore it. I said I was sorry if he felt that way but wish he would have communicated it with me instead of never telling me. It ended with him saying I don't know why we are discussing this it's never going to change and it doesn't matter because I'm done it's over I am done and I only want to talk about the kids you are too emotional for me to deal with.
After we went back and forth about the kids and me telling him the boys are not as okay as he thinks they are because he never sees them he said they are kids they will get over it. It's better than them living with two parents that fight and are unhappy. I said you're right I don't want that kind of life but I was only asking for the opportunity to make things happy for our family before he rushed into filing for divorce within a month of being gone
That's when he just got in his car and said let me know what you want to do about the kids. He will just continue to avoid his problems and not acknowledge any of this.
Yes, he was looking to pick a fight and you took the bait hook line and sinker.
You have reenforced his perspective that you are "always fighting".
You are "too emotional" for him to deal with.
You really need to put the rush on that copy of DR.
As the Last Resort Technique goes into great detail on how to handle things like this.
There is no way you will be able to successfully win an argument with him as it is logic vs. emotion.... through his perspective logic loses every-time.
Another mantra of DB/DR/MWD she doesn't know what works, but does know what doesn't work. And what you did doesn't work.
"He brought up us always fighting. We spent about 30 minutes talking about issues and what not. I know that I shouldn't have but when he started saying things I couldn't ignore it."
How did the two of you resolve conflicts in the past? You didn't answer my question about HOW you communicated your concerns to him about the job and other issues. Did you sound more like a mom or his W?
My 2cents. No crying when talking to your H NONE. If he is like my H he will shut down and be ready to end whatever your talking about when the tears start.
That's how he is. He says I am too emotional. I never cried in the past when we discussions
To be honest he never communicated things to me very well. It usually ended with me finding out about things through other means. He said he never told me because he knew I would 'get mad' to which I said yes I get mad when I find out through other people that you are looking for a new job, left your job, bought a new car. All without including me as your wife. Not because you needed permission but because we are in a marriage.
When we 'talked' about things it usually ended with him blowing up and not able to discuss anything and he would leave and go for a drive or go outside for a bike ride. He couldn't ever just talk about things. He is very 0-60 I say if it's not what he wants to hear it's not going to get discussed
So tonight he took the boys out to dinner for the first time since he left. He sent my mom a picture of the boys (he isn't talking to my family or his)
He told my mom he would call her this weekend. I'm not sure what to take this as. I feel like he's trying to keep my family in his life.
When he moved here from he moved in with me and my family became his family. He was not very close with his family, especially not his dad. My entire family took him in as their own. They have all tried to support him through this as he told them he didn't want a divorce he just wanted things to change. But as he has been gone and the way he has handled things so poorly he is not talking to any of my family or his anymore. And now my family has stopped trying to talk to him.
I am pretty sad to see him drop the boys off tonight knowing the went to our restaurant we usually eat at on Friday nights as a family. He didn't even say hi or bye to me just handed me the car seat said bye to the boys and left. I didn't say one word to him. It just makes me so sad that this is what our life has come to.
Sorry I keep hitting post instead of preview
How does a man file for divorce so quickly when you never saw it coming. What is the rush to file for divorce?
I am sorry you are here. none of this makes any sense. it sounds as if your h has some inner issues.
you will hear it said here to keep your focus on you and your boys.
When he is picking up/dropping off the boys be friendly. It is so hard I know.
Another DB saying... be the person only a fool would leave.
hang in there. this isn't easy stuff
How does a man file for divorce so quickly when you never saw it coming. What is the rush to file for divorce?
Women do it too
But seriously....
First, it doesn't matter what the answer of why he filed, or the speed.
But it could have been any number of things: pressure, feeling of hopelessness, hope of a fresh start, a book, a magazine, a newspaper, a movie, advice; really just about anything.
Thank you both
So H brought up to me through text that I am complaining about needing help financially but yet (as part of my GAL) I am always out at my moms (she lives about an hour away) and I'm also going out here and there having drinks and dinner with who knows. 'So obviously you don't need money from me'
I just responded that I need help financially for the bills for the life that he helped create. And that the boys and I cannot sit around and wait for him every weekend. He does not make an effort or even a call to the boys any weekends so we are going to go out and do something fun. He didn't have a response after that.
He figured that out not because I told him I was going out and having dinner and drinks with people but because people are tagging me on Facebook and he must be checking my page.
Question is - do I deactivate my Facebook this way he won't know when/what I am doing? Or do I continue to let people tag me since that's the only way he will see what I am doing? I am indifferent either way it does not make a difference to me as my ultimate goal is having my husband back. Not that this will do that but I am fine with whatever things I need to do to help me achieve that goal. I am just too clouded by emotion to make sound decisions lol.
Any help is appreciated. At least something finally got to him even if it is a stupid social media website 😁
Again you only commented on what your H has told you. You never answered the question...
How did the two of you resolve conflicts in the past? You didn't answer my question about HOW you communicated your concerns to him about the job and other issues. Did you sound more like a mom or his W?
I thought I responded to your question I'm sorry if I wasn't clear enough
I would ask him about his day which he would say busy or slow or anytjing that happened. I every few months would bring up if he was going to be getting a raise or what the situation was. To which he would get aggravated because he didn't want to hear about it. He said it is what it is. Which obviously turned into an argument. He would immediately start saying all you do is nag and complain. I would say I am. Not nagging I am trying to have a conversation which you can't even talk like an adult without flipping out on me and yelling. How are we supposed to talk about anything if you can't talk to me without going off. I guess it makes a little more sense as to why he just left
Not that it's right but he clearly cannot communicate and we as a couple cannot communicate. So him leaving and rushing for filing a divorce is similar to what he does with our issues - just run away and avoid them. If there is anything I can answer more specifically please let me know as I appreciate all of everyone's insight whether it's something I want to hear or not. All advice is more than appreciated.
I am very straight forward and to the point. I would say have you talked to boss about what the plan is with the job? He says things are still the same. It will get better soon. I said you keep telling me it's going to get better it's been 2 years or however long it had been with the same empty promises. I said if this is as good as it gets just quit making empty promises and tell me the truth. I can't get mad for you being honest but I am angry that you keep promising me things and them when I ask you about it you get nasty with me because I'm only asking what you told me would happen. How is it right to get angry with me over what you say is going to change. If your work income isn't going to change then the boys and I want you home more. You are killing yourself at work and it's not worth it for us to have you gone so much. If what you're making is as good as it gets then we will figure it out but stop working 80/hrs a week. The boys only see you for dinner during the week and we only spend Sundays together as a family and the rest of your time is spent at work even until 11-12 at night.
He said I have to put my time in to earn my place. I said you have been doing this for X amount of years and it's not changed. I will go back to school or work a second job if what you're doing is as good as it gets.
He brought up the other night that he took me saying I would go back to school was degrading him that he couldn't provide for us. I listened and said I'm sorry if how I said that made you feel that way but I just meant it that I would do that so you could continue at your job since it's what you like. I don't care who makes more money.
So you weren't really supportive. Guys enjoy praise every now and then.
"I would ask him about his day which he would say busy or slow or anytjing that happened. I every few months would bring up if he was going to be getting a raise or what the situation was."
Nagging.There are better ways to have brought this up to him without nagging.
"To which he would get aggravated because he didn't want to hear about it. He said it is what it is. Which obviously turned into an argument. He would immediately start saying all you do is nag and complain. I would say I am. Not nagging I am trying to have a conversation which you can't even talk like an adult without flipping out on me and yelling. "
Two sides of the same coin. If he says that he feels you are nagging him, telling him that you are not is not listening to him and telling him he's wrong. Again, there are better ways of handling conflict. Aside from the job issue, I suspect this is probably how you talked to him about other things as well. Maybe issues that had to deal with the kids you might have felt that he wasn't doing things "correctly" and told him so. There are many things that you might have taken for granted that you thought wasn't a "big deal" but for him it was.
"Not that it's right but he clearly cannot communicate and we as a couple cannot communicate."
He probably was communicating to the best of his ability, but didn't feel that he could "win" with you. Maybe he felt that you would never be satisfied unless you had things done your way.
"So him leaving and rushing for filing a divorce is similar to what he does with our issues - just run away and avoid them. "
I don't see it that way. I see it as him not wanting to deal with it because he felt he couldn't win with you. After awhile of bringing up only the negative things to him, he'll shut down and just not even respond any more. From your end, you might have taken his silence as acceptance or thought that he agreed that you were "right".
I understand and agree with your points. He could never talk about anything without blowing up. He did use the comment that it was always my way. Just playing devils advocate .. I feel like if I ask you something and you say and act like it is okay then what reason do I have to not believe you? If you say you like the wall color how do I know deep down inside you hate it?
Do you think I am fighting for a lost cause with your insight or do you have any suggestions for my M?
"He could never talk about anything without blowing up."
Then you have to figure out why.
"He did use the comment that it was always my way."
I'm sure he did. That's why I asked how often you actually PRAISED him. You still didn't answer that which tells me that it probably wasn't very much or you thought it wasn't important.
"Just playing devils advocate .. I feel like if I ask you something and you say and act like it is okay then what reason do I have to not believe you? If you say you like the wall color how do I know deep down inside you hate it?"
Okay, going along that line of thinking. What if someone asks you if you like the wall color, but you know that if you tell them you didn't like it, it wouldn't matter because they would either go ahead with it any way, or debate about why their choice of wall color is best and disregard what you might think.
From you just debating this little point even with me, speaks volumes about how you want to be seen as 'right'. There's an old saying here. "Do you want to be RIGHT or MARRIED?"
Do you think I am fighting for a lost cause with your insight or do you have any suggestions for my M?"
take a look at the book men are from Mars women are from Venus....
Praised him? I told him I appreciated him but not everyday and yes I could have done it more often. You bring up a lot of points that are more than true. I honestly didn't see divorce coming, the word was NEVER mentioned in any arguments. The fights we had were just as I explained and not very often. I don't care about being right I want my husband/our family together.
My family wants me to be done. He has done a lot of terrible things since he has left. I still want to try and save our marriage despite everything that has been done/said.
I am here to learn and change to be the best me I can be to hopefully save my marriage and if not to be a better person. I am by no means perfect.
He has lost about 30 lbs since he left. We don't ever talk about us. Which I have stopped trying to do for almost a month now. We don't talk period unless it's about the boys. I asked him yesterday after we were texting about the boys, I said thank you and asked him if he had a good day and never got a reply. I guess if he truly feels the way that you are saying Mr.Bond what do you suggest I do?
I feel so lost. I feel like if I completely leave him alone he's moving on even more. I have to file a response to the divorce summons this week. He never even told me he filed - I just got served without knowing. He won't see me at the house with the kids he will only come when I am not home. He will only meet me alone at restaurants and it has happened 3x in the last 11 weeks. I have tried to give him his space but it seems like he's getting further and further away. He hasn't even gotten his own place yet so he doesn't take the boys over nigt. He sees them a couple hours a week and we don't hear from him otherwise. He still has 95% of his things at the house. When he left he took a backpack wjth overnight essentials and has never taken anything else. When we talked about the boys and growing up in separate homes he said they're kids they'll get over it. I started crying when he said that. Our oldest son is heartbroken. Our 3 year old still thinks he is coming home
I'm sorry I'm just rambling I just feel so lost and I don't want to make anymore mistakes than I already have.
He and my aunt are very close. Well were very close and he talked to her a lot in the beginning say he didn't want a divorce he just wanted things to change. However that was not true because as he was saying that he had already met with a lawyer and filed papers. I am convinced that he just doesn't want to try and fix things. I told him in the beginning I'm not even asking you to come home I'm not asking you to say it will work I'm just asking you to try with me and give our marriage and family the opportunity to work on things together. To which I got a I'm not sure I don't know. Meanwhile he had already filed the divorce.
Had a great day with the kids alone again. He has not taken them one weekend or offered to take them. The only weekend I told him I had to work and I needed him to get the boys he never showed up. The other time I asked him if he could help and watch them for me on a weekday he said he would let me know and we never heard from him. He sees them 3 hours a week only when it's convenient for him. I am willing to make changes for my faults but I just don't understand how you go days and even weeks at some points without seeing your children. He won't even try to call them because he doesn't want me to answer the phone. everyone is telling me there has to be someone else and I have refuted that but the more time progresses and he has cut us out of his life and doesn't try to make contact the more I start to wonder.
First, how are you coming with DR or DB?
My family wants me to be done. He has done a lot of terrible things since he has left. I still want to try and save our marriage despite everything that has been done/said.
Your family thinks that will be the quickest way to see you stop hurting. To save the marriage, is counter to their thinking.
I am here to learn and change to be the best me I can be to hopefully save my marriage and if not to be a better person. I am by no means perfect.
Excellent!
He has not taken them one weekend or offered to take them. The only weekend I told him I had to work and I needed him to get the boys he never showed up. The other time I asked him if he could help and watch them for me on a weekday he said he would let me know and we never heard from him. He sees them 3 hours a week only when it's convenient for him.
As far as I know, the advice I am about to give has nothing to do with DB'ing:
Bite the bullet, and be the bigger person here. Does your H text? If so, give him advance notice that the kids want to call or talk to him. Or set up situations where he can knock it out of the park, have him meet the kids at a playplace or something... all he needs to do is show up, and text (or call) when he is done.
Tell him you want him to have some alone time with them, as they miss him.
If he doesn't run with this, do NOT sell him down the river with the kids.
But IMhO, bend over backwards to have you kids connected to him... this is for THEM not you or H.
I have started reading DB. I think I need to cut straight to the LRT. Just wondering what all I should do. As I've said we don't really talk unless it's about the boys. Tonight when he messaged me asking about the boys at 9. I would normally want to say we didn't hear from you all weekend, I asked you if you had a good day yesterday and got no response, and you didn't try to see the boys so why do you care at 9pm on a Sunday what they are doing when you know they are in bed???
Instead I replied that they were sleeping. We had a fun day on the boat.
I want to ask him to go out to show him I can be the old me and not bring up any R or D talks but I know this is not the time. I also am wondering since I have been so quiet to him and only responding if he texts me about the boys (he won't talk to me on the phone. He says texts are documented verbal conversation is not) do I reach out to him once a week just to say hi? I have done this once in the very beginning when he said I never just ask him about his day I only contact him when I need something. Sorry just doing a lot of brainstorming and looking for some assistance. Just wondering if me contacting him once a week to just say hi hope you're having a good day or something is considered a LRT
He did text my mom this evening and said he would like to meet her for dinner as long as it was just him and her. This is in response to her asking to meet him back in March. Trying to take that as a positive but also very nervous he is just wanting to tell her in person about the divorce. My parents have been his family since he is not very close with his.
Glad to hear your reading, hopefully that will get us all on the same page.
Yes, you should be following the LRT right now.
Excellent on simply answering the kids were sleeping... and not adding your own dig/criticism.... we all know it's silly to try to talk to a child late on a school night, but there was no need to take that bait, as it would have created a fight (or hang up).
No, do not reach out... be patient, think several months (at best).
Asking about his day is pursuit, so stop.
As far as the parents meeting him, by all means. "Allow" him to do so (as well as give your parents your blessing).
But.... DO NOT have them "fight" on your behalf. At least not yet.
Thank you for your insight
So what should I advise my mom to do, I told her to let him do the talking, do not pressure him into anything. Anything else?
Also, do I pack his things. As I've mentioned. D is in motion I have to file a response this week to the Summons I was served with. All of his things are still here. Do I pack them? He still has not gotten his own place yet.
He should pack his own things.
So what should I advise my mom to do, I told her to let him do the talking, do not pressure him into anything. Anything else?
I would tell your mom specifically to not tell YOU anything (other then what they had to eat).
Also, do I pack his things. As I've mentioned. D is in motion I have to file a response this week to the Summons I was served with. All of his things are still here. Do I pack them? He still has not gotten his own place yet.
Have you retained an attorney? They should be filing it on your behalf.
Hi T,
Sorry you are going through this. It is tough that's for sure. But it's been a really important opportunity for me to look deep inside myself at the ways I've contributed to the failed relationship.
Your response re: the Sunday night phone call was great! First step is to hold those negative responses in check. You did that--hooray!
Next step (maybe not just yet) is to work on yourself--why is your first instinct to be so critical? Can you give him the benefit of the doubt? Is it possible that your inclination to be critical is part of your role in your sitch? What do you want your next R to be like? Do you tend to see the worst in people? Your kids? Can you train your brain to notice the positives more often and start with that? Or is a small positive not worth praising if it doesn't meet your full expectation?
(He is thinking about the kids--he called to check in to see how they were... that is a positive step, right? Next time maybe acknowledge that... it's likely really hard for him to be away from them. Maybe he didn't call earlier because he didn't think he could talk without sounding upset? Who knows. Maybe he is just not so strong and needs to work on that. You seem strong and capable. ..can you boost him up instead of feeling like the victim?
I understand what you're saying Claire. I am just very hurt. I know it takes two people to cause what is going on between us and I know I have many things to work on I just feel cheated I guess. I know I sound like the victim but I just feel he didn't give us a fair shot. He has never mentioned divorce not brought up leaving. I feel our family, our marriage deserves a fighting chance to make it right. If at the end of the day we both try and it doesn't work then it doesn't but i dont understand why our family isn't worth fighting for, why he just left the way he did and never came home from work and couldn't even call or text me that he wasn't coming g home he just never showed that night and wouldn't answer any calls or texts. We have children, animals a house things that we both are responsible for. I'm not asking him to come home nor have I asked that. I am just asking for him to try. The boys and I deserve that much. The pain I am dealing with is the inadequacy of not feeling good enough, not feeling worth the effort to fight, but he can so quickly jump to a divorce. He stole money out a personal savings account of mine from prior to marriage while I was out of town with our boys for our sons's birthday that he refused to go on. I just don't get it. I know I probably never will but that is what I am having such a hard time moving past. Hope this gives you a little insight. Sorry to sound like the poor me. I am just being honest about my struggles.
No I understand. I'm 6 months in and it's taken me a long time to get here. If you haven't read DR go do that ASAP. And reread it.
You can't make someone want to do anything (like work on a relationship). You can only change yourself. Of course it's not fair for him to walk away. Of course you are angry and hurt and feel betrayed. Who wouldn't feel that way! Allow yourself to feel that... and then take a deep breath and CHOOSE: do you want to work on the relationship? (That means, at this point, following DB), or do you want to let it go?
What can you control? (Hint: not him).
He's got his own stuff to work on. He needs to do that on his own. But so do you.
Ask yourself, what is more likely to make him want to come back to work on the M: making him feel guilty or ashamed? Criticizing his choices? Being angry and helpless?
Or
Showing that you can change and be the spouse only a fool would walk away from? Having empathy and compassion even when it is the hardest thing you have ever done? Being generous and forgiving even whe.lnt your gut tells you to scream and shout? What is best for YOU? For your KIDS?
Hang in there. It gets better.
This website has helped
Me so much even in the last few days. I realize I have made him feel bad because I was so angry with him. In person he tells
Me things but then he is a texting tough guy. That's why I felt so pulled in different directions. It's like he wouldn't see me for the longest time and then when he did we were totally normally laughing and having a good time. He even sent me a text after saying 'I'm sorry I know this is so hard I just needed to go' but then after that meeting he went and submitted the divorce papers days later. It just doesn't make sense.
How do I show him that I am someone only a fool would leave? I understand the 180 but if he doesn't go out of his way I talk to me and we do not ever see each other how do I do that? He will not come to the house when I am there
I thought about asking him to do something as a family I feel it would be really good for our boys but I don't know if that counts as pursuing. I have been taking the boys out and doing things alone but I know they would love to have their dad join. I have a feeling he would say it would confuse them
Yes that is pursuing. Give him space. Use texts as a way to show a changed response.
For ex: the other night, maybe you could have said, "thanks for checking in. They had a great day. They are already asleep but I'll make sure to tell them you called. They will be excited to tell you what they have been up to the next time they speak to you."
(But I'm no expert so of course take my advice with a grain of salt and maybe others will weigh in..)
It just doesn't make sense.
If it made sense, it wouldn't be happening... remember logic vs. emotion.... emotion trumps.
How do I show him that I am someone only a fool would leave?
By follow through: putting your words into action! He will notice (mine did), and I made no point to go out of my way to show her.
You mentioned he sees the things you are doing on facebook... so he IS noticing!
Its a fine line, as you don't want to make it a point, to point out the changes.
I don't know if that counts as pursuing.
It does reek of pursuit, that's why I suggest giving him the leeway and freedom to enable him to spend time with them on his own.
He does have the leeway to see the boys. He claims I hold him back from seeing them because we are always out doing things... Yet we don't hear from him we can't sit around all day wondering if he will want to see the boys
I hate to be negative but wouldn't I be seeing something by now? I mean I have been pretty quiet for awhile now. It will be 3 months next week that he's been gone. I wouldn't care so much about time but am just afraid with the rate he is rolling through with the divorce that I will be divorced in no time
He does have the leeway to see the boys. He claims I hold him back from seeing them because we are always out doing things... Yet we don't hear from him we can't sit around all day wondering if he will want to see the boys
I agree, don't sit around waiting for his call.... Just keep that door open. It means more to the kids then you will ever know.
I hate to be negative but wouldn't I be seeing something by now? I mean I have been pretty quiet for awhile now. It will be 3 months next week that he's been gone. I wouldn't care so much about time but am just afraid with the rate he is rolling through with the divorce that I will be divorced in no time
No, honestly you have not even really started the entire DB steps...
The rule of thumbs is one month of repair for every year you have been together.
I consider your beginning date 4/10 (and even then you have not implemented the LRT for only a few days now). So you are looking at least a few months for even a little indication.
BE PATIENT!
Thank you for your continued support it really means a lot I know I am being needy I just need need guidance from someone experienced who can see the bigger picture. What if he meets someone in the meantime?
"I just feel cheated I guess. I know I sound like the victim but I just feel he didn't give us a fair shot."
He did. During those times when you two were arguing and you were on his case and him trying to explain himself. That was your fair shot.
"He has never mentioned divorce not brought up leaving. I feel our family, our marriage deserves a fighting chance to make it right."
But that's what you don't understand. All that arguing before was him giving the M a fighting chance to make it right. You just didn't let up because you didn't accept what he was telling you. It wasn't satisfactory to you.
"I hate to be negative but wouldn't I be seeing something by now? I mean I have been pretty quiet for awhile now. It will be 3 months next week that he's been gone. I wouldn't care so much about time but am just afraid with the rate he is rolling through with the divorce that I will be divorced in no time"
My W took 3 years before she even showed any hint of being nice. AND this is with an OM in the mix. It took you more than three months worth of conflict to get you to this point. It will take more than that to get you out of it.
Keep reading and learning. Validate how he FEELS and not necessarily what he does. As an example, of how you should have talked to him in the past about his job, you should have said something like. "Were you able to find out about the raise you deserve?" "Hey it would be great if we could go to Disneyland this year. We may need some extra cash so we can have fun and you can enjoy yourself." Something like that works better than ... "When are you getting that raise they promised you two years ago?"
One sounds like nagging. The other is him seeing a benefit for himself.
I did word it like that sometimes just not all the time. I am not making excuses for myself and will validate and take blame when it needs to be taken. But it was not always worded in ways that were not nice. I asked him did X say anything about the raise since you have been working so much and getting a lot of jobs done. When he would say ya he says he doesn't have the money I would never bring up about him but about the boss saying I feel you deserve better and it seems like they take advantage of you because you are such a good employee and they know you will always go out of your way to help everyone.
"but about the boss saying I feel you deserve better and it seems like they take advantage of you because you are such a good employee and they know you will always go out of your way to help everyone."
See the "I feel" part? That's YOU feeling and not thinking about how he might feel about the situation. That' line presumes alot of things. Plus you have to understand that what go you here probably wasn't just this one issue. There were probably other issues but you talked to him in the same negative manner. It's the culmination of these negative talks that cause the M to fall apart.
True. So what do you suggest I do besides what has already been discussed
Learn how to validate. Right now take his absence as YOUR TIME to learn. Write down the things that lead to conflicts and what you will do when issues come up. Get yourself stronger mentally and emotionally.
Take a breather and read DR. We've been where you are. The only thing you have control over right now is you. Work on you.
Maybe he is a terrible person and maybe you are a victim. We empathize. It s**ks to be left. But if you only want sympathy, that is not what you will get here. You will get some tough love. The advice is solution-oriented. Don't get defensive... listen and work on you.
Take a breath and read DR.
He came by tonight while I was at work to see the boys. My dad said he took a couple things out of our closet. Do I text him and ask him when he will be getting his things out? I have sat there with all his stuff for the last 11 weeks. I feel like I am constantly reminded of him with our house is as it was with all his stuff everywhere.
Do you think asking him that would increase or decrease his desire to work on the marriage? The fact that his stuff is still there *could* be seen as a sign that this is hard for him too... logistically, but also emotionally. That he still may have some ambivalence.
Yes I have gone back and forth on this for a long time. I don't want him to take his things because that's the little bit of hope I have but at the same time I don't want to be a doormat. It is likely he hasn't gotten his things because he still doesn't have his own place.
Hey T0324, how ya doin. I read back a ways on your sitch since I was behind and you have some great individuals chiming in. Let the advice given sink in and start implementing where/when you can.
Keep your chin up...i'll be rootin for ya.
Thank you
Just having a hard time. I don't get why he has to avoid me. He makes sure to be gone before I get home from work. I don't understand why he makes sure to not ever see me. How are we supposed to be parents when he can't even see the kids or pick them up if I am home? His reason is he is avoiding a problem until the divorce is final
Well looking back I didn't even make sense to myself, but still did things knowing it was wrong. No good reason can be found so don't dwell on it so it's not worth your thoughts. My W does odd things now and I just ignore the negatives.
Make you happy doing things for you.
So I'm in a little dilemma. As I have stated he will not come to the house when I'm there as he is trying to 'avoid a problem' and he knows I will try to talk to him and he has nothing to say. I have not had any communication with him since Saturday besides telling him my work schedule Sunday night and saying he could take the boys and if he planned to if he could let me know so I could make my dad aware so the boys would know he was coming (he normally shows up unannounced). Well I never heard from him and he has just shown up and stays his normal hour and leaves.
Our sons teacher pulled my dad aside to tell him that our son told his class that daddy was making mommy get a divorce and that he probably wouldn't be allowed to go on his field trip. Well then when H came over that night he did homework with our son (first time since he left) our son told him he hated him and never wanted to see him again and basically just was yelling at him. My dad took H outside and made him aware of what the teacher said.
H has never said anything to me about any of this and still cannot co parent with me. Do I acknowledge this or just stay silent. I have brought up that we need to show the boys we are still their parents but he wants to avoid conflict. He assumes there will be conflict. There has never been conflict in front of the boys ever.
Feeling more unsure now.
H came by to pick up our oldest son for school. I called him this morning to see where he was since he was late. He hung up on me - all I said was hey are you going to make it on time or should I go ahead and take them. He said he was I. Traffic and I said I can take him if you need to. He hung up. So I wAs walking out with the boys to take them so our son wouldn't be late. He pulls up. He wouldn't even look at me he wouldn't even acknowledge me. He just got in the car and left. I do not understand what he is so angry with me about. Why he can't even communicate with me to just be parents if nothing else. We haven't talked in days he hasn't reached out about the boys. I just don't know how to handle this because he makes no effort to talk about the children and since he left I had been contacting him about the kids asking him to see them be more involved but nothing has changed so I just stopped asking and will respond about the boys if he asks.
Why can't he even look at me or treat me with any amount of respect by acknowledging me when I am out there with the boys. What does he have to be so angry about with me. He is getting what he wants. Total silence from me. No more crying begging or pleading. This is not right for our boys to see that we can't even talk. It is not for lack of trying on my part but I can't make him.
I really do not want to go through with this divorce but how cold he is to me and doesn't even care enough to acknowledge me is making me lose hope.
T-
He can't look at you because it is hard and he's a runner. You wrote he has lost 30 lbs. What does that tell you? He's having a great time? And yes, he's a runner. He ran from his first family to yours. I'm sure it was a horrible situation. But that should tell you something about his views on M.
And where did he run? To his employers. They are his new family. They provide him something more than pay, and have since before BD. So add the inadequacy he felt about providing with the negative feedback about his connection with this new support system you criticized, how do you think he feels?
But don't lose hope. Yes, he's filed for D. So have a lot of other WASs here. Time will continue, even if the D is finalized. But remember, unlike his first family, at one time, he chose you. And he might choose you again. You can't control what he chooses, but you can choose to improve you. And that is the only chance you have, because he's run from what M was.
Also, wrt being late... maybe he was really angry at himself and just projected onto you. Maybe he was feeling like he had failed his kids by running late and that you would be critical or disappointed...or maybe he was just disappointed in himself. Just because he is acting angry at you doesn't mean he actually IS angry with you!
What would your 180 way of handling that kind of situation be? (him failing to do something he was supposed to) That is what you should do.
"Oh, we're so glad you made it! That must have been so frustrating to be stuck in traffic worrying about getting here on time. I imagine it ia tough to come all the way here to take the kids to school. I know they (and I) appreciate you doing that. No worries about being late today-- traffic happens. But glad you made it!
Something like that...
Thank you.
He knows that I was never fond of his employers and just this morning I was told he has been seen out with their 18 year old daughter. I will not be bringing this up but I can't help but think that this IS actually his new family. I don't know what direction to take. I just want to scream honestly. I wish he would have made an effort to try and fix things even if in separate homes before filing for divorce.
How do I get through to him? I have been silent and hear nothing from him. I can't go on like this even if just as parents. It is not healthy for the boys.
I wish I could afford a DB session but he is not helping much financially and ii just started a second job. Can someone help me make a plan. I understand GAL as I have been but what do I do with regards to him. Stay totally silent? He won't engage me unless I make contact first. I just don't know that he will be able to see my changes if he never sees me or talks to me. How do I show him I'm someone a fool would leave. We have great things worth fighting for
Sorry to be annoying and posting so much just don't want to undo any progress, if any, I've made
H just textd me and asked if he could pay for our sons field trip. I said thanks for asking but I already took care of it. He replied saying thank you and he would give me half of the cost. I decided to take what Claire said and said ok thanks. And thanks for getting here on time to take S. He said no problem and he wasn't even late. I said we appreciate you taking him bc other S gets to sleep in and I know the drive is hard because he has to get up extra early. He replied that he likes to take him and then jumped into asking me if I filed my taxes because he never filed his and 'I'm just wondering if you did just to know if I should get mine done or wait for you'
I haven't responded. Where do I go with this?
And I filed my taxes sep already but haven't told him. I did that because he filed for divorce behind my back and never told me he filed or that id be getting served until a sheriff knocked on my door with my boys home crying because they thought I was in trouble. He also stole money out of my personal savings account illegally so I felt to protect myself I needed to file separately. If this divorce goes through he gets paid under the table and on the advice of my account if I filed together I could be held responsible for back taxes.
T -
I know it is terribly hard. You can't think it know, but someday, regardless how this turns out, you'll look back and think, "Yeah, I survived that. I can survive anything!" Practice patience.
"We have great things worth fighting for". Do you think he thinks that? Those are your feelings.
"I just don't know that he will be able to see my changes if he never sees me or talks to me. How do I show him I'm someone a fool would leave." You just focus on changing. The 'showing' will occur when you aren't trying to "show him".
"Where do I go with this?" It doesn't go anywhere. You just tell him you filed individually. No justification and the added stuff you put here. One simple line: "I've already filed an individual return."
I think you may need to start to work through some of your hurt from this someone so that you don't bring it up with H. That won't be the place to ever work through it. H filed, you were served, he left, he stole money. That's in the past and doesn't need to be brought up with H. If you try to 'win' on those, you'll 'lose'. An IC would probably be good.
So what do I do? Stay completely quiet?? I feel like it's making him easier to be away from me and easier to erase his feelings.
I know I need to listen and validate but there is nothing to to listen and validate when he won't talk to me.
The only time we have met is when I asked and it's only happened twice and didn't happen until after he filed.
TO,
You say, " I already filed my taxes." That's sufficient. No explanation necessary.
I can tell you are struggling. We have all been there and it's very difficult situation. However, you must start living the life you want whether your h is in or not. I sense a tremendous amount of anxiety in your posts. As soon as you relax and truly focus on you and your boys, that anxiety will subside.
Unfortunately, there is no magic act that is going to make your h flip back to the way he was. So, don't worry about "showing" him your changes. Make the changes for you that make you better.
Thank you all for reaching out. Reading your responses makes me feel better. I know everyone has been through a bad situation. I just cannot imagine I was sleeping next to a stranger. That just can give up like this and that I don't even mean enough to have a cordial relationship for our boys. I am struggling with the fact that our oldest son is hurting and we can't even be united parents together.
I don't get how he can do all of this. I know I probably never will but the thought that I will not see my boys everyday makes me upset beyond words. I agree that H needs to be In their lives but he is not in them now more than 3 hours a week and taking our oldest to school when he decides to show up which is hit or miss. I am venting here but keeping it to myself with everyone else so this is an outlet for me. I feel after as long as we've been together that the boys and I deserve an explanation. I am so hurt by hearing about him being out with the 18 year old bosses daughter while he can't even spend a weekend or more than an hour with our boys.
I have never questioned him about where he is who he's with or what he's doing and I don't plan on starting. I just want to wake up and this be a nightmare. I wish I knew a magic way to get him to just try. Just to
Even put the divorce on hold. I'm so tired of the hurt and crying alone. I am taking care of an entire household and bills alone. He doesn't do homework lunches bills nothing anymore. He says he's happier then he's been in years. I told him I would be happy too. Who wouldn't want a divorce if they went to someone else's house and that person making them dinner and worrying about nothing but being a fun dad. I am taking care of all the animals, the yard, the bills, the kids most importantly - lunches birthdays school parties field trips etc. and now working 2 jobs. Commuting 2 hours to work each day and I have to hear him tell me how happy and free he feels. It makes me sick. I never told him I got a second job. He knows nothing about my life or what we do since he's left. He never asks we don't hear from him on the weekends we go and do our own thing. He never asks to take the boys. However I have to work this weekend so I will be telling him he has to take them because I don't have a babysitter and frankly I can't afford one. As I've told him life goes on and the bills still come each month regardless of him being here or not. I just wish I didn't have to endure this struggle alone. I feel he has no consequences of leaving. His life has only gotten better. He has no bills because everything is in my name so he's keeping all his money each week because he's living for free and the car he's driving is in my name.
Thanks for letting me vent. I know this will get better but being in the midst of this and seeing my older son crying is so hard.
Sorry TO. I read a little further back on your sitch.
How do you get through to him? You don't. Seriously, once you stop pursuing him you will feel better. You CANNOT control what he does or how he behaves.
In regards to the kids, I could hijack your thread but I'm not. You cannot coparent with someone who isn't interested in being a parent right now . However, you can be cordial to the other parent and love and support your children. Their world has been turned upside down so they need much reassurance and support from you.
Here's the deal. Your h's relationship with his kids is just that-his. Don't interfere. Don't navigate and don't try to facilitate the relationship. This is very difficult because no one wants their kids to suffer. But your h's relationship with his kids is all on him. And he has to own all that goes along with that. Once you accept that you will still feel sad for your kids. However, you will have a sense of relief as you cannot own something that isn't yours.
Focus on you and the kids. Sing in the car. Laugh at the kids knock knock jokes. Skip in the park. Do not reach out to your h unless necessary. Don't initiate R talks. There is no R to discuss right now. The old R is dead. Put a fork in it. Stop focusing on your h.
Hang in there:)
Thank you and I totally agree about the kids. I am just sad for my boys that their world has been turned upside down because of his selfishness.
I am just having a hard time with the fact that he can be no type of active father but legally will still get 50% custody. I don't understand that. I have a calendar of every day since he's left and the lawyer I met with told me that it doesn't
Matter. Unless there is abuse, fathers are awarded 50%!! My jaw dropped. He doesn't know the name of his teacher, dr, has never met either. I know none of this matters as far as him being a dad. I just mean for legal purposes and determining custody. Everyone tells me even if he gets 50/50 he won't keep up with it.
T-
Let all of that go. Forget "his selfishness", and the "50%". They don't matter now for what you write you want. Think back 12 months ago. Did you think you'd have the strength to handle this? Don't worry about him, think about all the things you have done for you and your kids. You're an asskicker. Make a list of all the amazing things you never thought you could do. If you write one with H reference in some manner, cross it off the list. Heed Georgiabelle's advice, especially "You CANNOT control what he does or how he behaves."
And if you really want a new M with H, you can't keep score here. You can't bring this up with him. Ever. This is your choice. If you want him back, none of this is baggage you bring to the R.
Thank you. I haven't brought any of that up since reading DB but as a result we do not talk anymore where we were texting on a regular basis. Not always good texting but still interaction. Mostly regarding kids and bills. However now we don't talk at all. I guess this is part of LRT but like I'm sure people fear I'm afraid the more quiet I am the easier it is for him to distance himself and erase any feelings he had left, if any.
Closer to reality is probably every negative interaction solidifies his choice.
Take a deep breath and then another.
So I asked H to take the boys tomorrow. He still has not gotten his own place and said he would take them for a few hours. I told him I was working and I'm a nurse so I am gone 14 hours with my commute. He asked if he would be able to drop them off at my moms. I responded that both my parents were busy. He also made sure to tell me he would be going out of town next weekend and wouldn't be available to watch them and also that Father's Day weekend he was going away with friends to a concert. Tomorrow will be the first weekend day he has taken them since he's been gone.
I honestly shouldn't let anything he says or does surprise me but seriously. You want 50/50 and you aren't even planning on seeing your boys Father's Day weekend? And you can't even be with them for more than a few hours at a time?
I wish I could just wake up from this nightmare. I don't know who this person is anymore. I just wish we could fix this.