We've been married 8.5 years. We married at 40. His first , my second. I have a daughter who was 9 when we married and is now 17, just starting college.
Soon after marrying, I discovered my husband had been cheating on me before the wedding after . Having drastically changed my own and my daughters life to marry him...I really wanted to believe him when he showed me remorse. The infidelity didn't stop. It consisted of meeting people on line for hookups to texting relationships with old girl friends to strangers. He was a serial cheater. We attended counseling briefly during our third year of marriage. He hated it and it didn't move us forward.
During this time, in fact right after the first discovery the first few months of the marriage...it broke me. I felt unloved and duped. I loved him so much it broke my heart.
I reacted by not participating as a financial partner in the marriage.Each time he cheated he blamed me, saying it was because of financial stress. I worked but felt my money was mine and the bills etc were his to deal with. I was angry and disillusioned and often wondered why he married me. I knew he truly loved me and otherwise is actually a good and decent man. I began exposing his infidelities and speaking to his affair partners myself, they didn't usually know he was married. Creating these consequences eventually I believe stopped his cheating.
But other things happened as well. First, I was constantly suspicious. Which degraded me and emasculated him. Next, I continued to not be a financial partner in the marriage even though he told me many times that I needed to change this. Finally, he withdrew sexually and we have not had intimacy in over a year. It had been dwindling and i had reason to believe there was some ED involved. He continued to be affectionate and loving, we did things together and as a family, and travelled extensively and internationally.
Other than his complaints about my not earning more money, I have never had any part in our finances, bills, or decisions. Im not a big spender or shopper, thts more his thing. During the past non intimate years I began drinking more. Not more often, just getting drunk when I did. I also started anti depressants.
My husband is a dominant old school kind of man. I can deal with it, he isn't volatile just annoying. But he and my daughter never really bonded and it has been a real problem. She is actually a good kid too.
He is a politician and this past Nov. 5th, lost for the first time. Although it is not his main job, it would have substantially increased our income. The campaign started last April, right after a family trip to Paris. He was completely immersed, as was I. As it went on, he became distant and tense. Like a different person. He was driven and we all knew winning was truly a long shot. He lost.
I had truly been hoping that win or lose after this election we could start to get our relationship back. We had a blow out Nov. 9th and I told him I couldn't go on being roommates. I know that my reference to our sexless marriage offended him as a man. He told me I had ruined him financially and that he was divorcing me.
I begged and pleaded. He said he had warned me for years and now it was too late, he doesn't love me anymore.
Since then. I came here right away, read DR , and have implemented the 180 as best I can. I have begun hot yoga, am running , and going to church and praying. These are all new for me and have saved my sanity but so far have had no response from him.
I have fluctuated these past weeks between wishing I could fix everything and wanting to run away from him.
Ive prayed for a path. And saving the marriage is the one I feel is best for both of us. I think it's right. I want to change myself, repair the relationship, and then help him.
He is firm on getting divorced. I am nearly 50, with a daughter entering college, and don't even have a credit card in my own name. He says i can stay as long as a year if i have to. So, I saw an attorney. In going through what financials I could find, I believe he spent much much more of his own money and went into debt on this last campaign.
So, we have all the ingredients here. A MLC, a loss, resentment.
We are living in the same house, I am not home much, and he stays in his den. We sleep in the same bed, backs to each other. Cordial , brief conversations.
I'm so sorry for the pain you must be feeling. That's a lot to go through.
It would seem your H has issues that have nothing to do with you or being married to you. Would you agree?
You can't repair the R, at least not alone.
How would you help him? Has he asked for help?
Why do you think saving the M is your best path?
I like what you're doing for you. Keep it up.
Please don't take this as a brush-off or that you should give up but you have along road ahead of you. You should be clear on your goals and the work that this might take.
I know that it must seem impossible or even wrong to forgive a serial cheater.
But like you said, I knew his cheating had nothing to do with ME personally.
I regret that I spent so much time and energy just spinning my wheels , being angry, resentful, and depressed . I should have been oming on or forward in some other way, because that wasn't working.
I'm not sure when but I actually do believe the cheating stopped. Probably for a mixture of reasons. Consequences, guilt, and possibly ED.
I realized awhile ago that for all of his bravado and highprofile positions...he is a very insecure man, in constant need of validation. I also realized only recently that ...
He has always apologized to myself and my daughter, for transgressions big and small by buying us things. So, that shows me that although stuff and money isn't part of love for me, it is for him. And I didn't give him that.
Anyway, I'm not a doormat but I could have forgiven him. I chose not to. And actually, it just became a habit.
I am no walk in the park. I need a lot of self improvement. I asked God years ago to send me a partner. Not a perfect partner, but MY partner. And He did. And it's this man. When we were good, we were very special.
I'm not positive about anything in life right now. I am stepping to the plate. I need to be independent and I also need to share his financial burden, however it was caused.
I love him deeply.
I think the emotions you express are pretty normal in the situation.
It's not that it's impossible or wrong to forgive him, but until he wants to change, he won't.
So how can you protect you?
Let him figure out his stuff and you work on that whole "lot of self improvement" you need.
Let some time pass, see what happens.
He is depressed. He has been distant for some time and he has said it was his way of preparing for divorce. Im sure that's true, but he has also cried to me, just two days ago, and said he is ashamed of what he has done and feels horrible for what he is doing to me.
I'll be ok. I'm a survivor. I'm strong enough.
To protect myself, I've been interviewing for new jobs and one is looking very good. If we divorce, he will probably have to sell the house because I am entitled to part of the value of the house, part of his retirement, and will likely receive four years of maintenance .
I'm also taking a class toward finishing up a degree I never got. I'm surrounding myself with supportive people and just...sort of preparing for anything.
I hate to see him sad. And I really don't want to leave him in a financial mess either. But I will protect myself and my daughter. No question.
I'm getting a Christmas tree tomorrow . I'm preparing my daughter for college, getting the money to pay for it. I'm spending one night every weekend away.
Ive stopped talking at all about the future. He found out I saw an attorney which really seemed to piss him off. He had been thinking we could negotiate it ourselves via a mediator. But how could I do that when I don't even know what we own, what we owe, or where it is ? I needed a lawyer.
It upset him, but as far as I'm concerned for me, it's part of the 180. Totally different than business as usual.
I'm ready to drive the car , I think he can't right now. I'll get three jobs if I have to.
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!
Almost every politician ive met (alot), locally and nationally, including myself are very insecure and seek validation from others. While winning elections is euphoric- losing is devastating to the ego(its a ugly business). He is looking for something, anything to make him feel like a worthy man right now. He needs a ego "fix"
You sound like a very strong person. Step back, I hope he realizes he needs help soon. Im glad you got the attorney - he needs many more wake up calls.....
Im out of office Jan 8
I look forward to reading more of this thread
STAY STRONG!
Cannot imagine how it feels to hear those words.
I've said them to H and at that point I really didn't. We're heading for the healing path but I know it's not the path for everyone.
Stay strong. Hoping there is a rainbow on the horizon.
Thank you! I appreciate any feedback. And you're right, some professions simply require people who have a need for validation. It drives them and curses them.
For all I know, he has been in MLC since I met him, staving it off by winning elections. I do think he is depressed. I do know he was having some problems and using Viagra prior to us stopping sex. I know that he will not discuss it in anyway.
Things just got so distant on both of our parts when the intimacy stopped.
I also know he ended a relationship like this before, by withholding sex for a long time.
I have another job interview Wednesday .
I am sorry that you fiund yourself here but wanted to tell you that you are doing a great job given the situation. You are focusing in yourself and your D. Although my H is not a politician, h needs constant validation to boost his ego. The OW provided the constant validation he needed. When I asked to spend more time with the family he would just mention what he bought us. The kids and I did not care about things and just wanted his time. It makes me so sad to see him looking for validation in all the wrong places. I really think that under their fake smiles, they are really insecure and quite lonely.
Good luck with the job interview. Keep posting because you will find a lot of great support here.
Im so conflicted. I know that to DB I have to be ALL IN. And emotionally I am. I am thinking about acting AS IF. but not real clear on it. I am acting as if I am happily moving on with my life with or without him. The happily part is the big act of course because inside I am sick.
I know that my not contributing financially is the biggest reason for his falling out of love with me. So, to correct that I am finding a higher paying job(s). I am having some success too , it looks like I can nearly double my income. I would love to be able to hand him the money every month to ease his burden, and to show him that I CAN do this.
BUT. Im afraid because the fact is, he may divorce me anyway & Im absolutely going to need that money for my daughter and I to move on.
I am in the process of establishing credit in my own name, completely without him. So, i had to start with a secured credit card, did that. Im told I should take out a secured loan (with my own money) and pay that to establish credit. I can do that. I could do it with my daughters tuition. Im thinking of asking my husband to put one of the bills in my name, so that I can pay it and use that as well. That might kill two birds with one stone - eastablish some credit, and show him Im particpating financially. I could ask him, dont know if he will.
So, there is my conflict. Open to suggestions here.
Meanwhile, he was just slightly friendlier yesturday than he has been the past month since Bomb Day. But thats not really unusual, weve been friendly roommates for awhile now. It does feel like the anger in the house has dissapated somewhat. Relief on his part maybe, effort on mine, and my daughter has chosen to take the high ride and try to be civil.
My mistrust and suspicion of him , although no doubt deserved - became obsessive for me. If you read my first post in this thread you will get the idea. Not only did I check up on him, but it was always just there simmering. And I hated it, i hated it about myself. I used to be so self assured. I think he felt violated but resigned to it.
I still have access to check things like his cell phone bill. And I have done so recently, wondering if someone else was part of this divorce plan. But I know I have to stop. Should I tell him to change his password?
For one, it would stop me from aggravating myself and wondering about each text message. And aslo, it would show him that I agreed it was a problem and I want it to stop.
Should I tell him to change his password?
I personally believe that it would be much better for you if you could find the self-control & conquer this yourself without needing him to change his password.
Changing his password makes it easy for you to stop, because you have no choice, but doesn't really beat the urge you are having deep down. I think it's just as important for you to deal with that self control issue which would be achieved more effectively coming from your own inner strength rather than from him changing his password.
Just my opinion.
Thank you and I see your point. I'm going to follow your advice too. What the hell. I can not look. I just won't.
His birthday is Monday. I asked him if he wanted to do something, like dinner, with me. I said it felt more awkward not to do something than to just do what we usually do. He said he wasn't sure what he wanted to do, and wold let me know.
His hurt my feelings and frustrated me.
I think I will just get him a card, nothing sentimental, and leave it in the morning.
My daughter and I are going to his family XMas party this weekend with him. His family doesn't know he is planning divorce. It is especially hard on my daughter because we love his family .
She said its lke having cancer and not telling anyone. She is 17. Im worried about her. She woke up angry this morning. I have not told her I want to save be marriage. But I am modeling strength and positivity.
I have a physical and drug screening Friday for he job I have been offered. I am concerned that the anti depressant I am on will hurt me.
Developing your "no expectations" muscle is key to this process and is healthy for any R.
You have no control over how he will react to things so let it go. Only do things you really want to do, don't do things for effect or pressure or pleading.
just a couple of tips gained through experience....
I use a site called "Credit Karma" to help me track credit progress- im up over 100 points in 7-8 mths
Have you read the sticky "Sandi's rules"- please refer to it often, it will help you
Stop snooping. If you continue it will only hurt you more and more
Get that job and save that $$$- none for him
Go out with your friends on his Birthday
act "as if" its over and start moving on- he has alot of work he needs to do. In the meantime focus 100% on you and your daughter- The only 2 people that matter right now.
if these steps feel like they are the complete opposite of what YOU think you "should be doing"....your doing it right.
Keep posting
I'm so heartbroken. This is horrible. I went Christmas shopping alone and had to leave the mall. I'm ok when I'm with others. I'm not ok alone.
I just don't know if I can do this. I can't get away from myself, I can't stop the pain.
I attended his family Christmas party with him last night. It was so hard, hugging them and being with the kids and MIL whom I love so much....knowing as I said goodbye that its possible I will never see them again.
I did it, but I drank too much and was all tears and drama when we came home.
I have got to stop this behavior, he hates it.
He told his Mom today that we were divorcing , so ...
I still have some hope. Could use some encouragement.
Hugs. Your situation is very new. It could go a lot of different ways. Take the course that is the best for you. You showed a lot of dignity and class at the family Christmas party, and to release some emotion afterward is completely understandable. Where else can you do that, if you don't want to offend H with it? Have some ideas. You feel a lot right now, and need to express tears and drama, but not to H, right now.
You're not even 5 weeks since BD, you're still in the early stage where emotions are hitting you like tidal waves. Have you read DR? If not then read it ASAP, it will give you plenty of hope. If you've already read it, then next I would suggest The Happiness Trap because it'll help you learn to deal with the crazy emotions you're going through.
It's OK to have breakdowns, but it's not OK to have them in front of your H or D. Save it for the drive home from work, or lock the bedroom and stuff your face into a pillow and let it all out. I used to cry all the way home from work (1/2 hour drive), pull it together long enough to talk to the kids a bit before going in my bedroom, locking the door and completely falling apart. Once I got it all out I would gather myself and go out and act "as if" in front of the W and kids. Over time the crying jags got shorter and shorter until I didn't need to cry anymore. It's all part of the recovery process.
Stop drinking for the near future- It will do you no good for the next several months.
Do you think you should still accompany your H to such events? What is best for YOU right now.
Its been a year for me and Christmas is still, by FAR, the hardest time Ive experienced.
Remember- Trying to make him happy now isnt going to make him not want to continue the process. FOCUS ON PROTECTING YOU!
Thank you, I so appreciate hearing from others that my feelings right now are fairly normal. I have been wondering if I am crazy, manic, severely depressed, etc. I have never felt this way, its so....physical. Thank you.
Yes, I know. NO more drinking. It makes everything worse and further - it makes me feel more anxious the next day - I dont know why. I have too many balls in the air right now & it is difficult to keep focused. I cant be hung over or more anxious than I am. Besides - my entire family drinks and I think I may have a drinking problem.
So, just to make it all even better. Ive quit smoking as well. I had quit before but started again during this last hellish campaign. I hate it. I hate it. Im doing a vapor form of E-Cigs , and doing well with it. I know that still isnt good, but right now - believe me - its the best I can do.
I am trying so hard to find another job. And Im getting somewhere but meanwhile - I have to take all of this time off the job I already have, unpaid, to go to interviews. Oh, and register my daughter for college.
PERFECT FREAKING TIMING
OK - so according to you people - Im not crazy , my feelings are normal and will lessen and become easier to deal with.
Alright thank you. Im counting at that and going to try to not be so hard on myself.
As I told you all earlier in my posts - my husband was a serial cheater during the forst half of our 8 year marriage. Since them, I had become obsessive in checking up on him and being suspicious. It actually became a habit, even though I think he stopped years ago.
More recently I asked here if I should tell him to change the password for our cell phone bill because I dont want to drive myself crazier right now in looking at it. It was suggested that I just choose to stop looking at it. So, I have.
Its a struggle today though. Priot ro BD Nov. 9th, he had developed a working relationship with a woman I know he liked and admired. She was helping him with his political campaign, and connecting him with others who were useful. i was suspicious, as usual , and checked his cell bill. There were an inordinate amount of calls between them & also some emails that were more personal than professional. I spoke to him and he told me he would not talk to her so much and keep it professional. The calls did decrease, although last I checked he called her every morning right after I left for work.
I know I have to Act As If, and Im definitely not bringing it up, checking up, or making it important to me as far as my plan and my 180.
BUT. Tonight, as part of a networking event for the JOB Im trying so hard to get - He and I are going, seperately because he has another event after. And Im pretty sure this other woman will be there. He initially said it wasnt important that I go, which is odd, because Im pretty sure it might be.
Im intimidated by her. Which makes me feel nervous and defensive. Ive been in this field long enough to fake my smiles, but ...this is so hard. It feels demeaning.
I dont know, maybe Im wrong and she wont be there. Maybe Im wrong and they only have a working relationship. Either way - I know I have to put my feelings aside . Again.
Im continuing to read and reread DR and am embracing that in my marriage and in my life - I would rather be happy than right.
On another note. I told him that it was just too emotionally difficult for me to attend his families holiday functions with what is happening. Because it would be rude and a huge red flag for my daughter and I not to be at his Moms on Christmas Eve - he told her 2 days ago that we are divorcing.
Im trying to not let it bother me. I dont think that anyone in his family will be happy with this , nor do I think they would persuade him to rethink.
So, last night. I talk in my sleep commonly and he told me this morning, laughing, that I said " But my dog is small" and I replied that I had been dreaming of looking at an apartment that would not take my dog. He made a sad face.
That is truly the only "good" sign I have had.
Meanwhile he and my daughter are brutal to each other and thats a whole other issue that Im not sure how to deal with.
I have been wondering if I am crazy, manic, severely depressed, etc. I have never felt this way, its so....physical. Thank you.
We definitely all go through it! For me the depression hit full force about 6 weeks after BD. I have no idea why the delay, but when it hit, it hit BAD. I couldn't function at work or at home. I also had anxiety attacks for the first time in my life. After a few days I knew it wasn't something I'd be able to tackle myself, so I went to the doc and got on anti-depressants. They helped get me back on track. Many others here have taken A/D's as well. So yes, what you're going through is normal, but if you find you just cannot get out of the depression on your own then seek out counseling and/ or medical help.
Oh, and register my daughter for college.
PERFECT FREAKING TIMING
Try to get your D to start pitching in on stuff like that. It's part of the "growing up" process. In the months leading up to college W and I both worked on making D19 more independent- we had her wash her own clothes, do her own college paperwork, start doing errands for us to help out, etc.
I went to the event, arrived before he did, and spoke to everyone I needed to before he got there. When he arrived he greeted me with a kiss just for show in front of the constituents. I told him I had already done my thing and would be leaving. He was surprised by my coolness I know. I told him I had been thinking about things and would talk to him sometime soon. He looked about to cry.
I left feeling really good about his reaction .
When he came home I simply told him I did not want him to lose his house and wanted to start helping him pay some expenses. This whole conversation backfired on me and I shouldn't have begun it. He went onto to say I needed to save my money for the divorce.
It went on for a bit, but didn't escalate. Still, made me sad instead of hopeful.
Today I came home, having had a stressful busy day. He asked, so I told him I needed some help with Christmas shopping. We figured it out and he asked for a hug , which I declined. I then cheerfully made dinner for my daughter and her boyfriend and husband left for another event.
I'm praying for wisdom and calmness.
I love him and want to start this marriage over from a new beginning.
But I'm pissed today. That right after 8 months of a hellish campaign and in the midst of my daughter graduating high school early and starting college the same week and my changing jobs....never mind the holidays...he decides to divorce me.
I'm doing everything but you know, WTF?
Husband has been asked to perform the marriage ceremony for some friends at their home on New Year's Eve. He didnt ask me to join him, but he asked if I WANTED to join him. I could tell it was because he felt sorry for me. I have no holiday plans really. All of my social plans have revolved around him for the past 8 years.
I certainly do not want him feeling sorry for me! First because...I just dont want his sympathy and next because I dont want to push him away by making him feel guilty.
So, I told him NO thank you, but that he should go because it is an honor to be asked.
New Year's Eve we got engaged.
Im going to make some plans. I hope he accepts too because, geez - wouldnt that make him, I dont know, THINK? But again, I dont want to do the guilt thing. Thats a 180 for me.
Also, could someone define "Standing"?
I got the job I wanted! So, I feel a bit more confident about being able to support myself and my daughter. The money is great, but to start it has no benefits or pension. Its a real opportunity though. Im feeling back on track. Proactive.
Yesturday my husband told me that when he told his family we were divorcing, his sister immediately piped up that I had cheated on him in Paris (she came with) . Thre is NOTHING that could be further than the truth. Fidelity is of utmost importance to my persoanl integrity & my husbands constant infidelity is what created the the destruction of our relationship.
I cannot for the life of me imagine why she would say such a horrible thing, given that we have shared many confidences.
It hurt me. My husband said he didnt believe her. But I was angered that such a discussion would even be entertained & that he would allow it.
It ended up with me in tears and him name calling me all of the things he always does.
Creating distance just got easier. I dont know today where i want to go with this marriage - but I do know that I am done with this. I dont want this garbage in my life. i am focusing on other healthier things.
And I can. I AM strong enough. I am feeling just a little bit like the woman I used to be.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your ONLY job right now is to first protect yourself- then regain strength and confidence so that you can be an even MORE amazing woman. Again, you will be the person only an absolute fool would leave.
The BS with your SIL is noise...dont get dragged in! You know the truth.....show grace
One thing I learned HARD about a spouses infidelity- your gut knows the truth- Please do not dig to confirm..it will only hurt you. He will become sloppier and sloppier with hiding it. Trust me it becomes an embarrassing, almost funny, game after awhile.
From this point forward only do what YOU want to do. He wants to be single- let him be single. You are under no obligation to attend any social functions with him- and NO guilt! Going with him will not bring him back. There is nothing you can do to save this marriage in a healthy way right now. This is about the future.
I WANT TO GO TO PARIS NEXT
You ARE strong enough!
PA I only have a moment but wanted to tell you that your responses to
Really encourage me. Thank you for that. I'm focusing on myself so much right now, it's kind of nice
I got the job I wanted! So, I feel a bit more confident about being able to support myself and my daughter. The money is great, but to start it has no benefits or pension. Its a real opportunity though. Im feeling back on track. Proactive.
AWESOME news!! Congrats!!
Yesturday my husband told me that when he told his family we were divorcing, his sister immediately piped up that I had cheated on him in Paris (she came with) . Thre is NOTHING that could be further than the truth.
Don't start believing any of the junk that comes out of your WAH's mouth now!
I cannot for the life of me imagine why she would say such a horrible thing, given that we have shared many confidences.
Your H said it. There is no telling what (if anything) she told him, but I would be inclined to dismiss it outright.
It ended up with me in tears and him name calling me all of the things he always does.
He was calling you names? Because you defended yourself? Welcome to the crazy-train.
Creating distance just got easier. I dont know today where i want to go with this marriage - but I do know that I am done with this. I dont want this garbage in my life. i am focusing on other healthier things.
Sometimes stuff like this has to happen before the LBS finally learns to detach. You're right, you don't need the garbage. Detach and leave him to his mess.
I thought I was doing better. But today I am lost. Just in a dark place. Im just frightened I think, of the future. Worry about my girl starting college in this upheaval - wishing we had not planned her early graduation, its just so much.
Its hard and frightening for her too. It was supposed to be exciting. Now there isnt anything to counter balance the anxiety - with so many new unknowns.
I continue to be astounded that he would make this decision at this particular time. And it makes me feel like I do not know him at all. Like he is an amimal.
Because of my concerns with my daughter and my new job - which is some distance from our home - big changes - I am vulnerable and holding it together - but he sees it. He is trying to negotiate with me, terms of divorce. I refuse to participate in the conversation. But I do know that he apparantly thinks he is still in charge here and that I will believe he is doing what is best for me - but I know, from speaking to my attorney, that he is planning on screwing me.
I just dont get it. He loved me. How is this possible.
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This is a VERY hard two week period. If you can stay sane during this period its an achievement. Drink as liitle alcohol as possible right now!
You will survive this, you will regain control of your life
Baby steps
WELCOME TO A GREAT PLACE TO BE, FOR A LOUSY REASON...
This was a Godsend to me several years ago. Let it help you too.
I thought I was doing better. But today I am lost. Just in a dark place. Im just frightened I think, of the future. Worry about my girl starting college in this upheaval - wishing we had not planned her early graduation, its just so much.
For better or worse, many of your d's friends will have gone thru something like a divorce. She's not alone or even unusual, unfortunately.
Eventually, I hope she can have some sort of R with your h, regardless of what happens with the marriage. Does your h express ANY desire for a r with her?
Also, college is more than the first month or few, so she'll adjust. I assume she'll be in a dorm? Or an apartment? Does she know anyone where she is headed?
What are the good things about her near future? What is different now?
Let her have her social life, and goals for her future, and though you may want to share with her that you are DBing, it's not her job to do it; it's only yours.
You only have to tell her that you are not sure what you want yet, not that you want to "keep the family" together. Give her time...a lot of it. And no pressure on her to "make nice" b/c you don't want her to feel any responsibility for the divorce. ( It is fine to insist on some civility however).
PLEASE reassure her of HER future, for she is, like most freshman, filled with conflicting emotions. Fear is one of the things she feels, so the more you can encourage her that SHE and YOU will be fine, regardless of what some third party (i.e. your h) does or thinks or feels, the better for both of you.
Though she's a tad older than many kids in divorce, she still needs to know what is NOT going to change for HER. In other words, stress to her that HER LIFE is still going to go as She was planning. Nothing has changed her future so much as Yours...she will be fine. Be as reassuring to her as possible.
what WAS the r she had with your h?
Finally, I think where the head goes, the heart will follow (if we let it). Keep up the detachment work, see your h as the man he is now, NOT a great catch.
Let your head lead the way for awhile.
I suggest that b/c we LBSers often romanticize the marriage, sort of the inverse way the WAS makes it out to be all bad. They act as if they were never happy and sometimes, the LBSers act as if they were never unhappy. We gloss over their flaws and focus on OUR LOSS but that's not completely accurate.
your m has been unhappy for a long time. I know you still want to save it. I get that.
All I am saying is that if things go south, don't make it into something it had not been for a long time...ie happy.
You are losing a man who you MAY have lost long ago. Losing a man who lies and cheats and blames others...is not a big loss. I think your loss is of security and the future you HOPED for, with him. But,
You are GAINING self esteem and financial security, for you and your d. Think about those gains for a bit.
Its hard and frightening for her too. It was supposed to be exciting. Now there isnt anything to counter balance the anxiety - with so many new unknowns.
There ARE STILL Plenty of things for Her to be excited about. Not having h at the your new apartment or home when she returns...is that really going to "ruin" her college life? I think not. Don't let her freak herself out with that concern.
My d went off to college when I joined h in Alaska with youngest d. I'm sure my freshman d felt a bit unsupported by that; but she LOVED college and made friends pretty fast. Some of those friends are incredibly close to her now, some 6 years later.
If your d has social skills and or knows someone where she is headed, she'll be alright. Starting in January is a tad odd, socially. But I'm betting she had a plan. Let that plan STILL be the plan.
I continue to be astounded that he would make this decision at this particular time. And it makes me feel like I do not know him at all. Like he is an amimal.
All I can tell you is that I spent, or rather WASTED a solid year of my life trying to find answers to questions that usually have NO answers, or answers that are NOT satisfying. What a waste.
I wish I'd just started the focus on MY life and my kids, sooner.
Why? Two reasons.
First, if h and I had not ever reconciled, I would have moved forward in my life that much sooner.
Second, I happen to believe that detaching and moving forward, was key to my h beginning his turn around.
But don't detach FOR THAT reason; I'm simply noting it did nothing bad to our r, it helped it.
But even if it had not brought him closer, I was better off and so were my kids. That was my priority.
I suggest you make your d's transition as easy as possible, and to love YOURSELF as best you can at this time. She & You are the priority.
For now, pretend your h is in the Austrailian bush and you can't reach him for a long time...so don't bother trying...
he knows where you are and how to reach you.
Be a woman only a fool would leave.
Model that for your d. Someday she will be betrayed or face a huge setback, and she''ll remember YOUR choices and that's what we want her to choose when her time comes, correct?
A woman of dignity and grace in the face of betrayal...
but if you think your h has fixed all the cheating, I would have to wonder why you believe that and why you think money "made him fall out of love" with you.
Your h has a demanding as heck career (My h is an MD and I related a lot to your descriptions of being there for him, while having HIM resent YOU for not "doing enough"...what irony.)
and you were there for him. Stop being there for him now. Not saying "punish him" but saying, get real. He's leaving. He says he wants a divorce. Okay get out of his way and focus only on you.
Let him see you earn what YOU NEED to earn to support your d, and yourself. And get in shape and be the woman you were meant to become. Not for him. For you.
IF and when he changes his tune, you can have an open mind/heart. He knows how to pick up a phone.
But til if and when that happens, focus on YOU and only you and your d.
Make sense?
Because of my concerns with my daughter and my new job - which is some distance from our home - big changes - I am vulnerable and holding it together - but he sees it. He is trying to negotiate with me, terms of divorce. I refuse to participate in the conversation. But I do know that he apparantly thinks he is still in charge here and that I will believe he is doing what is best for me - but I know, from speaking to my attorney, that he is planning on screwing me.
avoid any and ALL discussions of money or divorce matters. That's why you both have lawyers. You want to keep all the ugly matters separated from YOU.
So if there is a tough discussion to have or mean things to say, you let your lawyer say them, not you.
But you are not a doormat, nor will you make your d's life harder by caving in to your h's unreasonable demands. Again, that's what your lawyer is for. You pay them well FOR a good reason. They get to have their hands dirty, not you.
YOU are a woman who has had an awakening...you are looking forward to your life for the first time in a long time. You are a woman of strength and dignity, and you are modeling this for your d.
You are not spending time hating or obsessing about him; you are not asking or pestering him for reassurances he cannot or will not give.
You are resigned to him making yet another mistake...too bad...for HIM...
And you are looking forward to being in charge of your life. Because you are!
I just dont get it. He loved me. How is this possible.
He may very well still love you, but his fears and resentments and guilt and God knows what else, covers it up well.
Loving memories will resurface in time, if you let them.
But as long as you challenge his choices; he'll feel forced to defend those choices.
Let him live with his choices and you turn your m over to God, when it gets to be too much.
I used to take showers (so the kids would not hear me) and say out loud "God, I turn my pain/anger and marriage, over to you" b/c it was too much for me.
I found that just thinking it, saying it and hearing myself say it out loud, helped me to detach, to let go of my h, b/c I truly had no control over what he did or said.
Don't think one sentence or gesture that you "get just right"- will make a real difference. Your h has his own journey, and you cannot steer it.
Stay on your own journey and don't get on his path. Do YOUR work.
Be upbeat b/c truly I believe with all my heart that in time, you will come to see your h's decision as a gift to you.
How can I say that?
b/c either he will awaken and change, and you two will reconcile,
OR, a lousy marriage with deceit and resentment filling both sides,
will have ended.
And neither of those^^ possibilities are bad. Neither are painless either, and Both options will take work on YOUR END.
But both options have big pay offs. Which means your future is up to YOU.
Make sense?
wny - Are you ok? Hope all is well
wny, I am new to your thread, but wanted to chime in, I hope things are going well for you and your D.
MLC, I always look for your posts bc, even though all sitches are a bit different, I can always find something - a fact, or a perspective, or something thought provoking - that helps me with my sitch. So thank you!