Well people here talk about them all of the time. Hard concepts to grasps. Not sure if I get them yet but I thought I would start this for new comers. If you are here for about 8 months you are new hurting angry confused hopeless and what ever feelings u are feeling. Fear will consume you. I know that feeling and it really svcks. How do you achieve those things above? Answer you GAL. During your GALing something will happen. Like a mystery. You wake up One day and say f-it I'm ok with whatev (BFs line).
Have you ever wondered if u should post something and wondered what the responses were going to be? And as a result you didn't? Big mistake. Post whatev some wil yield positive responses others will have u reaching for a helmet. Both are good that's how u learn about you.
Have I dropped the rope u wonder? I don't know. I know that next week I go to court and that today I feel strong and haven't fell apart. I am learning to like me. I only saw flaws in me. Not seeking perfection don't know what that looks like. Just don't like feeling empty.
And I could not gotten here without my friends from this board. Wil I fall apart next week? Dunno will let you know.
So if u have ideas or questions post them here.
Great post Rick! It's so hard to get that if you drop the rope and let your WAS go, you're not causing them to go. You're accepting reality - they are gone.
They're not going to come back while you're pulling on that rope and trying to force or guilt them into coming back.
I think it must be a relief when you can finally say you're ok with whatever. You're free to go for the best life for you, and you're not going back to the misery that was.
thanks rick - it really resonated with me , what you wrote, especially the f it - whatever (grin)
and it's true, we won't know at all how the difficult parts will feel and how we will react to them, but i think deep down we know when we're at this place, that we'll be ok on the whole. there maybe a temporary set back - we have emotions and we still love them, but we're now okay enough within ourselves to trust tha we'll be okay
i heard this thing - and i think about it a lot. if we can do something for 1 minute, then we can learn to be confident that we can do it for 2 mins, then 5 then maybe an hour and then a day, and if we can be strong for a day, then we know we can be for another and another, and so it keeps adding and increasing - a week a month, 2 months - heck, we're on our way then, right?
for me right now - dropping the rope just means peace - a new relieving peace, that is so welcome and so cherished.
zig
Thanks Rick for this.
Zig I agree, dropping the rope is a sense of peace at the moment. I just needed to recolect, reboot, recharge, on my own terms, in my own way. Dropping the rope was actually more empowering than all of the effort I put into holding on to it.
Its still hard to full accept H is gone. But day by day I will get there. And I have my peace in the meantime.
Bustingout
I don't know if I have dropped the rope. I think for the most part I have, I am just tempted to pick it up again.
Dropping the rope for me meant:
I stopped all pursuit. No emails, phone calls, nothing.
I stopped asking her questions or making any small talk.
I stopped coming to her rescue about anything.
I stopped giving her info about my life. Deleted from FB and give hardly any personal info.
I lost the need to return rude remarks to hers.
I lost the need to change her mind about my actions.
Some might say that I haven't dropped the rope entirely because my conversations with her are still upsetting. I'm not sure if I agree but I can understand.
My heart needs to heal and I can't make it go any faster than it already does.
I have fought the good fight and kinda look forward to the day when the papers are signed. I will mourn, but I will have peace as well.
It will be ME saying goodbye and should there every be an opportunity to be part of my w's life again... it will be on MY terms.
Great responses guys. Something else that I was thinking was the topic of changing who you are/were. Now that feel a bit better I started looking at myself. Really I wasn't a bad person before. Have I changed? I know I have learned a lot about me and relationships. There are things that I will never change. I will always help some one in need. I will always be the best dad I can be. I will always work and be the best I can be at it. Things that I need to work on, stop worrying, rushing, being negative. The big one is just accepting and rolling with what ever comes my way. Makes sense?
The big one is just accepting and rolling with what ever comes my way.
This is a big one for me, and probably for a lot of us! Great post Rick!
GAL is important to me right now.
When our marriage was good, I never did anything. I wanted to spend time at home or didn't want to leave the kids with the wife to go out and do things because I felt bad.
If/when we R, I think it will be important to have my own life that doesn't depend on her. I would like to continue to have my night(s) to do things and allow her to have her night(s) to do things. I see now that it is important for each person to have time alone.
I think time is a big factor that everyone seems to overlook and I have no quantitative data on it but I would bet it's proportional in some way, to the length of the R.
I read many posts here that seem to think it should happen overnight or in 2 weeks or a month...It happens when it happens and not a minute sooner.
But GAL and working on you is also important.
Time + GAL