well Big C, this is a long one...but there are a lot of subjects to address. Everything from poop routines to marital issues from Piaget to Brazelton and Spock on child rearing.
Okay, I don't buy that Crimson is "more invested" in his son.
1) His wife isn't uninvolved or acting selfish vis a vis son, and 2) according to Crimson, Crimson is new to all this.
(Crimson--I don't mean to make you wince...but to refresh other lurkers or WHG, and to explain my comments^^^---)
Per Crimson, Crimson
never changed a diaper before this. He never read a book to his son before this, never "took him places" including daycare, before this. He never put son to bed before all this. SHE did all of it.
So no, I don't believe that he's more invested than his wife. His involvement in son is new, and that might be getting more noticed by his son, but geez, his son is barely 2 so IDK...
Crimson, you may be right about the vocal tone and inflection being stronger or louder and something your son may notice more. Geez, our dogs listen to h better than me, although they slink in shame around him too...but I'm with them all day!! One raised voice from h and they OBEY...(hey, I'm just sayin')
anyhow I would not speculate a lot to your wife about it, in any way that could possibly be seen as critical of her. We are all sensitive with our first children/motherhood issues and from our spouse-it hurts more. Tread carefully.
Do you have more of a routine w/him? Maybe your w is more spontaneous, and there can be One downside to that...IDK...
My h was rarely around son in h's first year of med school, so son was with me FAR more,
Yet son was more compliant with h. WTH?Son slept more, and faster, and ate better when he was w/h while I was in night classes-(I finished law school at night, which could have been worse, and I only had one semester left...When people stare at us b/c it sounds insane, we tell them "but Son was born prematurely...by about 5 years"...
we adapted the plans we made b/c God had made His own plans, thankfully...
In a way it kind of seemed unfair to me that others got more "good behavior" from son than I did (but son was never a "terrible two year old" or a brat. Just got cranky at times and more demanding, with ME)...
Then I began working full time and son was at a wonderful nanny's home. She loved son and got him on a schedule and he always behaved and followed HER routine.
I was hospitalized while pregnant with our 2nd child ( 1d). Our son began watching the same 2-3 movies constantly (e.g., "Lady & the Tramp" "Sleeping Beauty" and "Milo & Otis") This made the nanny worry.
Son watched those films probably 100 times in a 60 or 90 day period. Nanny was alarmed.
But Our fav pediatrician quoted some "expert" who I LIKED A LOT...b/c she said
"kids like predictability in general, and even more so in times of crisis." That made a lot of sense to me.
So he watched the movies when I got home from the hospital too (I wasn't that physically active then anyhow) and at that time, when he asked about watching a "moonie", I always said "SURE!"
Today - Son is a great young man. He's kind, smart
and happy. He graduated from an excellent university w/honors, and is now very much in love
w/ a young woman I myself would have chosen for him!!...(Heck Yes I AM one grateful mother!!)
Point is, I guess all his digestive problems, his uber pickiness as an eater, his "disparate treatment" of me w/his bedtime ordeals, all seem to have worked themselves out... yours will too.
oh one last thought on this topic, to reassure you--when I joined the Army (b/c "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em)"
there was a 15 week training period I had to attend, without my family.
Thankfully, the JAG Corps (the branch in the Army for Lawyers) school was only 3 hours drive from where we lived. I went home every weekend I could.
Still, this was very very hard on me and son, and h. My mother helped out as best she could.
That 15 weeks was the longest 15 weeks of my life.
but Crimson---
3 things happened b/c of that hard time apart.
1) H bonded with our son way more than he would have otherwise.
2) my mom helped a lot at night, too. She & son permanently bonded in a way she has not with other 27 grandchildren, (including my other children). She's still close to son. Though her dementia has increased, her recall of son is strong and he visits her more often than any other grandchild does.
So Crimson, the "pay offs" from that time together, still live on & keep growing, & yield fruit beyond what I had imagined or hoped.
Even though she forgets most of my nieces/nephews names now, or what I just said 10 minutes earlier, she recognizes Son. lights up when he visits and is overjoyed to see him. They have a special bond that would not have happened, but for those 15 weeks.
I know this.
3) Finally, back then at bedtime, son learned that I would NOT come rushing in after 3 minutes of his crying. SO son learned to soothe himself, and if I'd been there,
maybe I would have hindered that.
that improved the quality of son's sleep AND MINE...
Turns out that Army separation was a blessing in disguise.
Dr. Brazelton said
"your baby needs to be able to rely on parents for all his NEEDS,
b/c meeting his needs creates security in the child (ie so the child has an optimistic view that the world is a good place to be) and
security breeds independence. I liked that, and I really took it to heart.
I wonder if it applies to adults too. As in,
If we know our
needs will be met in our marriage (physical & emotional and in each other's love languages), we learn that our marriage is a safe relationship
and that creates security/trust
andthat trust & security, creates stronger more independent,
happier adults (no co-dependency!!)
Just food for thought.
RE the poop problems....okay a fav topic around here...
boy do I recall those times vividly with our son...
Crimson, surely you can give your child
softeners (NOT the same as "stimulating laxatives" - which can over stimulate and hurt w/painful cramps, unless a ped prescribes, obviously)
but don't freak about it all.
In retrospect, so much of this seems like it is a rite of passage
for parents!
If it makes you feel better, I took son to the ER two or three times as an infant/toddler, for what can now only be described, in hindsight, as constipation...(and my h was in medical school)
I recall reading the doctor's notes. He wrote that son was "wailing in distress" and "patient seems inconsolable". I thought son was dying but turns out, maybe he just needed to poop. OMG...
SIGH...Crimson, this too, shall pass. (No pun intended...but I like it)
As for helping your sick/stressed w, some say offering to help is enough.
But if no action is taken & you sort of "knew" she'd refuse a verbal offer of help, it may ring hollow to her.
OTOH, that may be fine b/c she seems to want space...
Plus-- you do have son, so that might be the biggest thing you can do for her. (And make no mistake, she'll notice & she will take in the fact that if you are not around for son when she is sick, let alone help HER...she'll be alone). No need to point that out. She gets it.
But maybe a
small gesture IF & only if you feel compelled, (and others can fire away if they want, it's not written in stone)
would be to drop off a meal or favorite food of hers, and leave it there.
And or maybe take son for extra time while she takes a bath or nap or sees a doctor (don't
suggest it, but you could
ask her if she had thought about it, offer to sit for son if so). No parent wants to spread their illness to their child.
The food you make (or buy, come to think of it) needs to be something healthy that you KNOW SHE likes/loves, that she can re-heat and enjoy...
not something YOU stick around for though. Drop and leave, like a delivery guy. NO expectations...It's just a small gesture for the ill mother of your child. Make light of it but be clear that is is just a small gesture for her...
It's those small thoughtful acts, imo, that build trust in the changes...not so much the big dramatic showy ones.
I know you offered to help. But in your sitch I would DO at least one small act or gesture that isn't
at all controlling (like taking her to the doctor with whom YOU made an appointment for her without asking...NOT COOL unless she's unconscious...
Regardless Crimson, she already feels sick and stressed out, so you cannot have expectations, b/c that would ADD stress. You need to Really really get that.
Okay? Okay!
Sending you big hugs!
((( )))