Another story :) - 02/23/12 07:08 PM
Hello everyone. This might be a little long winded, but I appreciate any feedback and advise you can give me.
while I had many girlfriends prior to my w it was my w who I ever felt real love for. The day I met her she took my breath away. Interesting enough a good friend of mine warned me to stay away from her. I played the old game of not being interested just be friends with my wife for several months while she chased me. One reason is I have relationship issues from my upbringing and failed relationships with woman prior to becoming involved with her. When I finally gave into my wife I never felt so secure with anyone before. Though, I think subconsciousness my past unresolved issues is what led me to where I am at now.
My W and I have been married for 15 years and have two kids; D and S. Our marriage started rocky. While I wanted to marry my wife the day I decided to commit myself to her in the relationship I think she felt forced due our d being conceived. On top of this we were very poor money wise and we lived in a very poor part of town. Complicate it even worse w was sick the whole time of her pregnancy and could not work. This put a lot of pressure on a new family starting. That pressure also drove me to do two things; rapidly grow in my career requiring self study and long hours of work and determination and constantly worry about money.
Due to the stress of starting a new family and my failed relationships with girlfriends and family I would get upset easily. Add to the fact my wife is very strong minded person and doesn't back away from a fight we argued a lot. Though I didn't really know it at the time when I argued I would get louder. I didn't think I was yelling, though recently she has pointed out that I was yelling and it damaged our relationship.
As my career took off and we become financially sound our fights decreased. Our second child came 5 years later in the marriage and I thought everything was going well. My w did show times of depression, but I never really paid the attention I should have. I wrote it off as being depressed staying home with the kids all day. Eventually she came to me and asked to go to school and I was excited about it. However, prior to being accepted into nursing school she asked for a divorce. I was devastated and pleaded that we work on it. Shortly after she asked for a divorce she was accepted in nursing school and she asked if we could stay together while she attends school which I agreed was a good idea.
All through nursing school I took over most of the chores and care of the kids so she could focus 100% on her schooling. Around this time I also found religion and became saved. This changed me greatly. I no longer argued with her and learned great patience when she was upset. I also found it very rewarding to take care of my family; cooking, cleaning, care of the kids, even care of my wife. I also stopped complaining on what she wasn't doing.
After nursing school our relationship was on an upswing. I was promoted to manager and she was a nurse. We moved to a much larger house in a better community. Everything I felt was bliss until 2009 when she asked for a divorce again. This time she gave me more reasoning. She said she thought I deserve better and that she doesn't love me like a wife should love a husband. Two weeks after she said this she moved out.
During the separation I played it cool. I didn't push on her. I didn't beg. I went to counseling where I learned even more things that i was doing wrong and started working on changing those negatives. Meanwhile she had two major breakdowns and eventually requiring hospitalization. After coming out of the hospital she was on medication and living with her mother she was "forced" to take them. While on medication I noticed changes in her and things appeared to get better. We were laughing. I went on a trip to Vegas and while on Vegas she asked to come back.
When she came back she asked for two things; improved sexual relationship and outings together. I asked for counseling. I took her to Vegas and we had a great time and I tried to improve our sexual relationship, but it was hit and miss.
Now to current. The past three years since she has been back has been a constant roller coaster ride with ups and downs; more downs then ups. Last year we had the best two months of our marriage because she wanted to have a baby. Sadly, I went on a business trip and when I came back things changed again. she said I didn't call her and said I wasn't trusting. Asked for a divorce or an open marriage. Over the past 10 months its been a constant hell. She has been very rude and mean spirited at times. She has made it known to me she doesn't think our marriage is a marriage. She doesn't love me romantically; though loves me like a "brother". She thinks its okay that we live as Husband and wife, but not have relations. When i pry to what had happen she brings up the first 5 years of our marriage when I used to yell and she says she can't forgive me for verbally abusing her. Now, I know I used to yell and I take irresponsibility for raising my voice. I even grabbed her once after she hit me. One thing I have never done was say mean spirited words and call her names. With that said, she acknowledges that I am a changed person and even says she feels sad at times that she doesn't love me as a wife should love a husband. She says I am a good father and provider. She says that she can't trust me to allow her heart to love me. She told her friend that she has to turn off all emotions in order to not love me.
Obviously this is tearing me a part. I also did all the wrong things the book advises not to do. I bought her huge valentine days gifts this past Valentines day. When she was cold to the gifts I broke down (3 years of emotions bottled up) and cried and pleaded with her. One of our mutual friends has called me at times to consult me and I have confided in her how much I love my wife and want to do anything to save our marriage. Another no no. Her Friends and family all think she is making a big mistake as they have seen over the past 11 years how much I have changed and they all like me. This has made her even more angry and accusations of me trying to control her using friends and family. Not true by the way. I never talk to her friends and family except the one and even then I don't go into all the negatives. Just reinforce that I am deeply sorry for hurting her and want to do anything to gain her trust again.
What am I doing. I am trying to play it cool, but lately I can't act myself around her. We are both going to the gym and while I always think my wife is beautiful independent on her weight she is looking even more attractive now causing me to be jealous of other men (which is not a characteristic I ever had) and urge to hold her. I have lost 75lb and on target to my goal of ideal weight by summer. I am doing this for myself, but would be lying if I didn't say it wasn't to try to gain her attraction. I am also going to counseling.
Since Valentines day she has been more cold than ever. I fear I made such a huge mistake with the gifts and becoming weak by crying that there is possibly no saving it. I have had thoughts of running away. Has anyone been in the situation that your wife is so depressed that you are the cause for all the problems and is holding on to a problem that happen 10 years ago preventing her to show any emotions to you?
while I had many girlfriends prior to my w it was my w who I ever felt real love for. The day I met her she took my breath away. Interesting enough a good friend of mine warned me to stay away from her. I played the old game of not being interested just be friends with my wife for several months while she chased me. One reason is I have relationship issues from my upbringing and failed relationships with woman prior to becoming involved with her. When I finally gave into my wife I never felt so secure with anyone before. Though, I think subconsciousness my past unresolved issues is what led me to where I am at now.
My W and I have been married for 15 years and have two kids; D and S. Our marriage started rocky. While I wanted to marry my wife the day I decided to commit myself to her in the relationship I think she felt forced due our d being conceived. On top of this we were very poor money wise and we lived in a very poor part of town. Complicate it even worse w was sick the whole time of her pregnancy and could not work. This put a lot of pressure on a new family starting. That pressure also drove me to do two things; rapidly grow in my career requiring self study and long hours of work and determination and constantly worry about money.
Due to the stress of starting a new family and my failed relationships with girlfriends and family I would get upset easily. Add to the fact my wife is very strong minded person and doesn't back away from a fight we argued a lot. Though I didn't really know it at the time when I argued I would get louder. I didn't think I was yelling, though recently she has pointed out that I was yelling and it damaged our relationship.
As my career took off and we become financially sound our fights decreased. Our second child came 5 years later in the marriage and I thought everything was going well. My w did show times of depression, but I never really paid the attention I should have. I wrote it off as being depressed staying home with the kids all day. Eventually she came to me and asked to go to school and I was excited about it. However, prior to being accepted into nursing school she asked for a divorce. I was devastated and pleaded that we work on it. Shortly after she asked for a divorce she was accepted in nursing school and she asked if we could stay together while she attends school which I agreed was a good idea.
All through nursing school I took over most of the chores and care of the kids so she could focus 100% on her schooling. Around this time I also found religion and became saved. This changed me greatly. I no longer argued with her and learned great patience when she was upset. I also found it very rewarding to take care of my family; cooking, cleaning, care of the kids, even care of my wife. I also stopped complaining on what she wasn't doing.
After nursing school our relationship was on an upswing. I was promoted to manager and she was a nurse. We moved to a much larger house in a better community. Everything I felt was bliss until 2009 when she asked for a divorce again. This time she gave me more reasoning. She said she thought I deserve better and that she doesn't love me like a wife should love a husband. Two weeks after she said this she moved out.
During the separation I played it cool. I didn't push on her. I didn't beg. I went to counseling where I learned even more things that i was doing wrong and started working on changing those negatives. Meanwhile she had two major breakdowns and eventually requiring hospitalization. After coming out of the hospital she was on medication and living with her mother she was "forced" to take them. While on medication I noticed changes in her and things appeared to get better. We were laughing. I went on a trip to Vegas and while on Vegas she asked to come back.
When she came back she asked for two things; improved sexual relationship and outings together. I asked for counseling. I took her to Vegas and we had a great time and I tried to improve our sexual relationship, but it was hit and miss.
Now to current. The past three years since she has been back has been a constant roller coaster ride with ups and downs; more downs then ups. Last year we had the best two months of our marriage because she wanted to have a baby. Sadly, I went on a business trip and when I came back things changed again. she said I didn't call her and said I wasn't trusting. Asked for a divorce or an open marriage. Over the past 10 months its been a constant hell. She has been very rude and mean spirited at times. She has made it known to me she doesn't think our marriage is a marriage. She doesn't love me romantically; though loves me like a "brother". She thinks its okay that we live as Husband and wife, but not have relations. When i pry to what had happen she brings up the first 5 years of our marriage when I used to yell and she says she can't forgive me for verbally abusing her. Now, I know I used to yell and I take irresponsibility for raising my voice. I even grabbed her once after she hit me. One thing I have never done was say mean spirited words and call her names. With that said, she acknowledges that I am a changed person and even says she feels sad at times that she doesn't love me as a wife should love a husband. She says I am a good father and provider. She says that she can't trust me to allow her heart to love me. She told her friend that she has to turn off all emotions in order to not love me.
Obviously this is tearing me a part. I also did all the wrong things the book advises not to do. I bought her huge valentine days gifts this past Valentines day. When she was cold to the gifts I broke down (3 years of emotions bottled up) and cried and pleaded with her. One of our mutual friends has called me at times to consult me and I have confided in her how much I love my wife and want to do anything to save our marriage. Another no no. Her Friends and family all think she is making a big mistake as they have seen over the past 11 years how much I have changed and they all like me. This has made her even more angry and accusations of me trying to control her using friends and family. Not true by the way. I never talk to her friends and family except the one and even then I don't go into all the negatives. Just reinforce that I am deeply sorry for hurting her and want to do anything to gain her trust again.
What am I doing. I am trying to play it cool, but lately I can't act myself around her. We are both going to the gym and while I always think my wife is beautiful independent on her weight she is looking even more attractive now causing me to be jealous of other men (which is not a characteristic I ever had) and urge to hold her. I have lost 75lb and on target to my goal of ideal weight by summer. I am doing this for myself, but would be lying if I didn't say it wasn't to try to gain her attraction. I am also going to counseling.
Since Valentines day she has been more cold than ever. I fear I made such a huge mistake with the gifts and becoming weak by crying that there is possibly no saving it. I have had thoughts of running away. Has anyone been in the situation that your wife is so depressed that you are the cause for all the problems and is holding on to a problem that happen 10 years ago preventing her to show any emotions to you?