Previous threads:
here and
hereShort form for those who haven't followed: high school sweethearts, met at 15/16, married after college, great marriage for about 18 years, though heavily one-sided in terms of income. My aviation job had us moving around every 4-5 years and so my W collected advanced degrees: MA English, MBA, MS Marketing, now PhD in communications. I didn't mind "investing" in her because I knew it would pay off.
I left my career to follow her at about the 10-year point and she couldn't get a job so I re-upped, at about which point she was struck with depression. For the next 5-6 years things went well and then I got a chance for work to send me overseas to get my own PhD, which I finished in 3 years. The time in England was fantastic fun, but she was getting a little down.
About this time she was studying a neopagan retreat for her PhD, and as I've discovered from reading the journals she left behind, she was developing two feelings: one was a feeling that although she wasn't afraid I would ever leave, she thought she might because of "feelings of low self-esteem"; simultaneously, some of the young polyamorous men at this retreat started sexually propositioning her, which she found pretty intriguing; when she came back home, she started asking if I would be interested in a mistress. Needless to say, I was not.
Anyway, when moving back to the states this came to a head; she "switched off" like a light and lost interest in me and the marriage, staying around to see if I could "give her a reason to stay" (I couldn't--her mind was basically made up). A month before our 19th anniversary she ambushed me in counseling and ran away to her pagan friends several states away; a week before our anniversary she served me with papers. After assuring me we would do a collaborative mediated divorce, she decided after 2-3 email exchanges that "we just weren't seeing eye to eye" and lawyered up, putting her retainer on a credit card.
For my own part, I have been seriously working on myself. To force myself out of the house and to be more social, I've taken improv theater workshops and dance classes, two hobbies which have turned out very well for me--they've increased my confidence and got me laughing and meeting interesting people outside my norm (I'm a scientist now, not a pilot, so I just don't run into acting/dancing folks with much regularity
). If it weren't for the tragedy of my failed marriage, everything in life would be fantastic. And I can tell I'm going to have a great life once I get over this.
But I still have bad days. After about a whole good week, last night I just really missed the time when she wasn't just my wife, she was my lady, and I never need fear anything, and I lay in bed and cried for about half an hour. But now she's surrounded by "friends" who are absolutely toxic to our marriage and probably marriage in general, who have convinced her that she is entitled to take everything she can.
Good days and bad days, and frankly the good are starting to outnumber the bad. But I still wish this wasn't happening.
Hos:
As GBlue mentioned, great similarities in our journeys. I'm going through a rough period too, so doing the best I can to plow my way through it. As GB stated, sadly he's right...too many enablers around our WAW to divert course. My WAW hasn't crammed the legal issues down my throat yet, but I see it coming. She goes through periods of no contact and then in a fury, I deal with the encounter out of the blue.
Again appreciate your journaling...it's a big help to me.
Hang in my friend!
I'd agree, wawinla; similar situations, similar reversals from W, similar things said by them, similar apparent attempt to escape from reality.
Just got my "Verified Response to Petitioner's Petition for Dissolution of Marriage" today and have to go get my notarized signature on it. Hard to tell what I feel about it. I either want her back AND HEALTHY or I want this completely over so I can move on.
What's really frustrating right now is that despite her degrees, she is earning the best salary of her life... for leaving me. And I'm paying it in return for... what? Paying her apartment so she can live away from me, paying for her car so that she can take vacations to her sister on my dime, paying for her phone so she can send texts to the OM mentioned in her journal? I've paid already. I'm tired of it.
Well, last night with the folks in town and today I got the "response to petition for dissolution of marriage" from my lawyers to sign and notarize. So pretty rough day, and couldn't get hold of some of my supporters so going to have a hard time sleeping.
Actually that's not true. I have a hard time calling some of them up when I'm low because of course when you're low, you feel like you shouldn't burden anyone with it. But I'll have to get over that.
What my gut wants me to do is cocoon in the house and isolate myself, so I'm going to have to take an even more active role in getting out of the house. I guess tomorrow I'll call one of the (platonic-friend) women in the dance classes and see which lessons she's going to so there's a friendly face; fri-sat-sun I have things (fri/sat have practice dances and the next round of improv starts Sunday). And that'll help but not enough; today I just spiraled down into a rut of how unfair this is and how I'm being taken advantage of.
Eh. I'm at a point where good days really outnumber the bad. But still feel horribly alone, and I still don't do any social things outside of structured events like classes. May have to try a few "platonic dates" (it's not that I don't have guy friends, but they're mostly work associates and we just don't do things outside work).
This sure still [censored]. Just because it's getting better doesn't mean it doesn't suck!
I totally know how you feel. It's so each and tempting to just hole yourself up and hurt. It's hard to get out there, but I do think it's helpful.
((hugs)) Time heals all ... just not fast enough.
Yeah... and it's all so surreal still, like I'm watching it happen to someone else. And so jarring to be the higher wage earner and realize that I have to do most of the work for the divorce and will be paying more, for a result I don't even want.
Woke up at 4am, can't sleep, bleah. Think this is going to be a rough week, but the weekend should be fun-ish. Ish. I just really wish she was back and loving. I miss her so terribly much. This whole thing is making me grow, in ways I probably needed, and I've met some great people, and there are good times on the horizon... but I just miss her. She was a selfish, depressed, low-self-esteem woman... but she was mine, and would have done anything for her.
(except, I guess, send her away for five years for ANOTHER advanced degree... or share her with her new poly friends. So I guess that's true for only sufficiently small values of "anything", but I still would have, and did, a whole heck of a lot, and being treated like a vending machine just hurts a whole bunch).
I know what you mean I feel that way now too sometimes, and mine is supposedly not WAW, although we sure have a weird marriage right now. Hos even if she comes back learn your boundaries, and learn how to enforce them. I still have a hard time with that sometimes.
I know you want her back, but not as the selfish person she is. Otherwise she will do this to you all over again, once her fancy kicks in again.
Sure do miss her though. She was my lady. I'll never understand this.
Sent her the refund check for "her" deposit on the gas utility with a note just quoting escalation lines from her emails and brief explanation that until she can be consistent with herself, I am reluctant to talk.
And I do miss talking with her. She was such a good person until this happened. How could it even be?
Bleah. Just a down day. Need social interaction as well as practice being alone, I guess.
H:
How are you doing? I hope the week turn out better than your thought it would.
It's been curious, actually. Work is starting to spin up for the new school year (class starts... in an hour or so!) and being in front of students is generally good for me. I've had more time for hobbies (dancing/improv) since my folks left, though I miss them.
Generally, my mental outlook has been pretty good. I did have a day of 2hrs sleep, but I didn't wake up depressed and lonely--I just couldn't sleep. Had a conversation with my law office yesterday (sworn financial statement) and that process usually drags me into a depressive spiral, and it just didn't this time. So detaching seems to be going well. Was able to flirt playfully with a friend (not a romantic prospect or serious flirting) without feeling depressed.
So all that is good... but none of it involves fixing my marriage, which probably means I've given up trying, and that's sad. It's just that I don't know what I could possibly do; I'm doing great work on myself, but I can't make my W care about that. And I really feel like I've given up on the legal institution of marriage, and that makes me sad too (I have not given up on love, affection, or even long-term relationships, but in the years-from-now even that I marry again, I'm getting an iron-clad prenup).
So... doing as well as could be expected under the circumstances, and probably a good deal better than that. Very disappointed in my W, and that probably is not going to change. I was interested that part of the early D proceedings may involve getting a professional to evaluate her situation and determine how employable she is to see if she's dragging her feet on getting a job... which I'm guessing, what with the three masters' and all-but-done PhD, is going to be a wakeup call for her that just cashing my checks and taking vacations to see her sister might not be the best course of action.
And hey, maybe she'll wake up before time runs out. But right now I just really want my life and my income back instead of having both of them held hostage by someone I no longer remotely understand.
So all that is good... but none of it involves fixing my marriage, which probably means I've given up trying, and that's sad. It's just that I don't know what I could possibly do; I'm doing great work on myself, but I can't make my W care about that.
Hos:
I'm glad you're hanging in there. I identify with your situation. There's nothing we can do, so we must focus on our lives and GAL.
It's a little harsh to say you aren't trying. You're trying when your GAL. Alas, since your WAW isn't communicating beyond D matters, there isn't a lot of active opps.
It's good that school started, getting back into a routine will hopefully make things easier.
Hang in there!
Little steps for me, I suppose... had another interaction with my lawyers, which usually plunges me into a spiral, but actually just didn't bother me much. Had a great couple nights dancing and am spending more time with friends, and all that is good (in fact I'm spending so much time on GAL activities that it's actually tiring me and I may have to scale back!
'course, had a dream about W last night for the first time in months, in which she told me all about the fun she was having as a single woman. Thanks, brain. Totally needed that. Heh. Very exasperating.
Hey, Wawinla--
I'm... really good actually, as evidenced by not updating this thread constantly.
Don't get me wrong--if I allow myself the luxury of misery, I can easily get sad, or angry, or bitter. And more of that is coming, as legal proceedings continue (negotiation should be by end of this month), and if I make the mistake of checking on my STBX's phone logs and such.
So I just don't think about it. And then life is actually pretty good; I love my job and house and friends, I'm keeping active and learning new things, dressing better, getting in even better shape, and all those good recovery things. I can see a fun-ish dating future ahead should I choose that route, and know that I will be able to love again, though the legal construct of marriage now offends me, that I can lose so much by being a good husband.
Having said all that... this is such a senseless tragedy, and I wish like hell that it wasn't happening. It's completely unnecessary and I will never understand why, but then I don't need to know in order to move forward.
No word, sight, or sound from STBX for the past few months; the only hint that shows she exists is that when I transfer money into her maintenance account, it vanishes a few days later.
Hos:
I'm glad you're doing well...it's encouraging to see you moving forward.
Hang in there when the legal stuff kicks in...that's no fun. My sitx is heading to the attorney phase, WAW has engaged one, so I have no other choice. I didn't want it, but it is what is now.
Best wishes on your new journal...you're doing terrific!
> WAW has engaged one, so I have no other choice. I didn't want it, but it is what is now.
Yep, that's what happened here. She started by saying "it won't be a big deal; [our friends] got a divorce and just did it with a mediator; it didn't cost them more than $700 and there's no reason it should for us either.
And then AS SOON as I showed any resistance at all to one of her demands: "I can tell we just don't see eye to eye on anything at all; expect to hear from my attorney."
So the massive maintenance I'm paying (about $2500/mo) is basically to fund the attorney so that she can make more from the settlement. It's a great "cut me a switch to beat you with" situation, even aside from the "do it for $700... no, just kidding, let's make that $5,000/person" decision.
I'm very disappointed in her. Very, very disappointed.
Hos:
<And then AS SOON as I showed any resistance at all to one of her demands: "I can tell we just don't see eye to eye on anything at all; expect to hear from my attorney.>
My WAW is coming over this weekend, I expect the conversation will go along that lines too.
It's all very disappointing indeed. Alas you are doing what needs to get done for you. Be strong and that the valleys are not as deep as they once were!
In possibly the most bizarre moves, partially because they seem so innocuous, my STBX (who raved that she never wanted to live with anyone again so she could "be her own person" just moved in with a (female) friend (I don't suspect any sort of romantic relationship, but you never know). So okay, that's not that bizarre (unless you'd been subjected to her "and I'll never marry anyone again and never live with anyone again" rants).
The innocuous-but-bizarre bit is that she contacted my sister with a message to the effect that she'd been avoiding contact but hoped it didn't have to be forever. This is notable because my sister cares so much for me that she literally flew across the world (she works in Bosnia) to help clean up the mess my STBX left behind, and because my sister is well known for nursing grudges until they die of old age and then having them stuffed and mounted so she can enjoy them in perpetuity. No WAY anyone who knows my sister at all would imagine she would forgive something like this. I'm curious to see the response.
STBX is living in a very powerful reality distortion field. Very curious to see how negotiation works. Did find some research on the subject of the spouses who support a spouse through advanced degrees expecting to enjoy the benefits of a higher-paid spouse getting recompensed if the supported spouse left the marriage before the supporting spouse received any benefit, and I'm hoping for something in that regard. If she claims she is owed half my pension for her "emotional support", it would be bloody nice if I got something for my emotional support, food, lodging, and tens of thousands of dollars of tuition. Just sayin'.
Sounds like WAW idealism is giving way to reality, and practical concerns. Don't be shocked at the amount of energy she will spend convincing everyone this is what she wants. Also I'd expect the money fight to become more vicious. Protect yourself, ask what is fair, defend yourself graciously if that makes any sense.
hoswald,
Sorry to hear of your predicament, just know that there are others like you out here who are pulling for you. Keep up the work on you, we have no choice, right?
Gunny
Hos:
Glad you are holding up despite the latest chapter.
I did the same for my WAS...paid for her graduate education. Sadly though, we weren't married at the time, but were together for 7 years prior to that. I hope your attorney is able to protect your interest.
How is GAL going? Has school starting helped you get on a routine?
Hos,
IDK what state you are in , but since your w's legal argument appears to include emotional 'investments" that benefit you as a couple, so they = property to be divided, etc
then I guess you retain some % interest in her future earnings? I'd strongly recommend you push for that.
AND OR Alternatively argue that while you are grateful for all her support, you feel you repaid that by
1) returning the same "emotional support" for her explorations into the world of academia and
2) you were also actually, physically and financially supporting her and that was not reciprocated...perhaps you can deduct some of that from the gazillion$ worth of emotional support she gave you...
Math isn't a strength of mine but I think you have an argument in #1 above.
She can have a % of the assets...but the damn degrees ought to be counted as assets too.
My RN sister put her x h thru law school. Now he has a six figure income and she's at the same pay rate as she was before the m. She worked, full time, the entire 22 yr marriage AND had 3 kids.
Her h was periodically unemployed, Underemployed and didn't work at all while attending law school (I'm a L, and every married student in law school worked at least part time, as did I. Her xh was a wimpy lazy selfish man, and she loved him with all her heart)
So She got $150 a month in alimony for a year...I kid you not.
In contrast, my Younger sister never worked her 13 year marriage, had NO kids, and got 1/3 of her h's retirement for life...different states...
Bottom line is that a lot of these are plain UNFAIR...but I have to remind myself that when I think "unfair", then there is "Africa unfair" and I keep my perspective.
Try not to get bitter. In the scale of things, IF we were really to measure it,
She's got no real life job experience, (which is why even a PhD, left her without a job or anyone to hire her.)
You won't have that problem. So don't lose faith.
There are women out here in the world, who are great people with good souls, and likewise, good men too.
FWIW, my older sister who got so burned in her divorce but NEVER complained...is remarried.
She's genuinely happier now than she ever could have been with her first h. Her x was a taker; her new h (8 years now) is a giver.
Her xh did her a favor by leaving. I sort of knew that at the time, (hoped) but could not bring myself to tell my sister that.
Too much for her to hear. But I knew that someday she'd see the light. And she has.
Good luck
> then I guess you retain some % interest in her future earnings?
> I'd strongly recommend you push for that.
That's what I'm shooting for. I found a 47-page survey of cases involving spouses who supported a spouse through education with the expectation of increased standard of living only to have the supported spouse leave on completion, and the general conclusion was that the supporting spouse was entitled to something (although it often wasn't worth the price of litigation).
We seem to be doing a "mediation/arbitration" divorce; we'll see how that goes. I am certainly going to shoot for some sort of recompense for her education, and make the claim that since she has more degrees than I do, she should certainly be employable and not need maintenance pay. I doubt that'll be successful, but I'll try. My state is historically pretty rough on the higher wage earner, but we'll see how it goes. I've already basically lost half my retirement thanks to federal law, so if I can retain any more of that it's a victory.
No question, I'm losing a helluva lot. But if I can get over that, I will do just fine, on both the financial and emotional front... eventually. Seeing how far my STBX has gone into neverland, even with all the assets she's going to get, I can't see things working out well in the long run for her.
Still, a pity. Ah well. Mediation/Arbitration is on the 30th, so I guess I'll find out soon enough.
Huh, and found out today she's planning on being there in person with her (much older) sister for moral support. This is going to be a lot rougher than expected (she sent me this letter with a very chirpy "hope you're doing well!" as if my concern for her well-being hadn't died almost $20k ago).
Also going to pick up the rest of her stuff from the house. Considering staying out of town and having friends at the house let her into the garage where her pile is.
Looks like it's going to be "lose half of everything, no recompense for paying for her four advanced degrees, maintenance for 9 months".
And the sad news is, that's probably a GOOD deal after 19 years of marriage, with the legal system the way it is.
Today, she apparently (I was told by a friend) posted links to stories about how women are held in disregard and society should be ashamed of itself, and how if you're nice to someone, they take advantage of you, as if I had been abusing her for the past two decades.
I know this is meant to be a site about saving marriages, but from here, the legal institution of it seem so corrupt and unfair that I cannot recommend it to anyone. The better a husband I was, the worse the outcome turned out.
Not final yet, but we'll see how that goes.
Hos:
I'm sorry to hear about the latest update. Plain and simple, it isn't "fair", but sadly it is what is. I'm swallowing the same bitter medicine now, no recoupment for paying for her grad school and the increased earning power and must now deal with short sales/foreclosure mess.
What REALLY resonated with me in your latest update was how your WAW is trumpeting to everyone how she was taken advantage of and abused during your relationship. My WAW is doing the same and that infuriates me to no end. I wish I had some sage advice to handle this, but I don't. Moreover, I'm not sure how to one DB's with someone who demonizes you and the R and has no interaction with you while in the midst of their fog.
All I can offer is keep doing what you've been doing...you've been GAL and handling everything as well as you can. I hope school and your GAL is going well.
Keeping you in my thoughts and hoping for the best!
SIGH... had mediation/arbitration scheduled for tomorrow, tried to avoid it by having the lawyers come to an agreement, which they did. Not a great settlement for me but I could survive it. Cancelled the mediation/arbitration...
...and from the lack of news, STBX is refusing to sign. Yay.
Sadly this may be due to me sending her a "goodbye letter" which may have angered her. I should have just kept quiet. By now I mostly just want this over so I can move on.
Hos:
Did you send the "goodbye letter" for closure?
I hope your WAW does not drag this out by refusing to sign.
Hang in there my friend.
Ouch. You really shouldn't have sent that letter. It served no purpose whatsoever. What did it say?
No, I shouldn't have. It wasn't particularly vicious or aggressive, but still probably unwise. It expressed my frustration with the imbalance (that her "emotional support" entitled her to half my retirement while my "emotional support" plus well over $60k in tuition plus room and board apparently entitled me to nothing), confronted her with quotes from her past emails and journals (such as a year ago when she said she was only beginning to love me and would do so forever), and said that I released her from her vows so she was free to pursue her other extracurricular interests and that it wasn't my place to worry about her any more.
My mistake in thinking the deal was agreed on already. Ah well.
Ouch that was kinda of a tough letter
And it wasn't entirely pointless. First, she was planning on being in town to pick up the pile of stuff which has been in my garage for 4 months, and so I told her to send a concise message with details and I would arrange for a representative to open the garage but that I had no desire to speak with her and would prefer she not come into my house. Secondly, I needed to write the bit about releasing her from her vows, for me.
But yes, still probably unwise and it should have waited a couple of weeks. But we'll see what the aftermath is.
Hos:
It's been awhile since the last update. How are you?
Alarmingly... no change. Just nothing. I keep hearing that things will be over "any time now" but papers never get signed, no one comes to pick up her stuff, no communications...
If it wasn't for the financial hit, life would be pretty good actually. Work is fun and satisfying, I'm keeping really busy, making new friends, generally having a good life (tired all the time, but hey).
But I still get sad at the tragedy of all this, and still feel very betrayed and hurt, and angry that I'll never again be in love with someone who knew me as a child and shared that many years together. That's special, to me.
Still... doing much much better than I was a few months ago. Life goes on. Pockets a little emptier, heart a little more bitter (okay, one helluva lot more bitter and very unlikely to trust anyone again any time soon), but life goes on.
And yep, nothing works the way you want or expect. After sitting on the "deal" (massively unfair in my opinion) for almost a month, she now brings up wanting to take thousands from the house equity--because she's not getting enough already.
By now, she has become something vile. She would have to massively wake up, apologize, and sign multiple legal agreements for me to even consider taking her back.
And I know it's all her friends doing this and telling her it's right and proper. It's all very pathetic.
Hos
Does she have a job yet? I don't think this about getting her due, but more about not being able to sustain her lifestyle. Dont yield a penny more.
No, she doesn't have a job yet. She's spent the last six months finishing her PhD thesis (now six years running, defense end of this month) and is demanding 9 months more of support so that she can last until the academic year begins because that's the job she's seeking. Never mind her two masters' degrees in business; she "doesn't want to do marketing" (despite her MS in Marketing).
Sigh.
Man, what slow progress. It's more "cut me a switch to beat you with" stuff--I have to set up my own appraisal of the house to see if she gets to make me sell it and split the profits.
I have to say, I had NO IDEA the legal system was this screwed up about marriage. I can't recommend the legal institution of marriage to anyone with talent and a hard work ethic at this point.
Hos:
Sorry to hear that the bleeding continues.
Sadly, no change in her whatsoever. I'm living it now, it's infuriating, frustrating, and just so sad. Have you officially "dropped the rope" in your mind?
Yep, no question. That rope is dropped. I'm very sad about this, because to the last I hoped she would reconsider, but now I am facing the question: If I suddenly got the option, do I want to welcome this apparently very selfish, untrustworthy, self-absorbed person back into my life to dominate it utterly?
And... no. I don't want someone like that in my life. I'm probably going to lose the house, but since I have a "next assignment" starting this summer, I'll be moving in July anyway. Time to move on with life.
She STILL hasn't picked up her things. I still miss what could have been. But I was evidently wrong about who she was, and now I am paying that price.
"do I want to welcome this apparently very selfish, untrustworthy, self-absorbed person back into my life to dominate it utterly"
No you want your W back. Right now you're bitter and it's showing. If you're still interested in saving your M, then you have to stop this line of "woe is me" thinking or else it will leak into your regular interactions with her.
"But I was evidently wrong about who she was, and now I am paying that price."
Whether you stay with your W or not, everyone changes. You weren't wrong about who she was. She's just changed. You're fighting against that. I'm sure you've changed as well.
>you have to stop this line of "woe is me" thinking or else it will
>leak into your regular interactions with her.
There are no regular interactions with her. The ONLY interactions she has with me are escalating demands through her lawyer, disregarding previous agreements and asking for more, more, more.
I appreciate the mindset that thinks that every marriage is worth saving. But I have tried appeasement, counseling, DB phone consultations, mediation, "going dark", "last resort", any damn thing I could think of. The results are the same: she is "done" with the relationship and is "entitled" to anything she can get under the law.
Not one--NOT ONE--person I know thinks I should try any more. Almost all of them have regarded her for years as a net drain on me and are excited that I will have the chance to proceed without her. Even many people who considered her a close friend since childhood think she's crazy.
So I appreciate the effort, but no--I'm done too.
I appreciate the mindset that thinks that every marriage is worth saving. But I have tried appeasement, counseling, DB phone consultations, mediation, "going dark", "last resort", any damn thing I could think of. The results are the same: she is "done" with the relationship and is "entitled" to anything she can get under the law.
Hos:
I hope you're doing well despite the latest circumstances.
As Green Blue pointed out early in the process, our sitx are similar. You recapped my current sitx to the tee. I get to experience more of that this evening when we try to meet and discuss the marriage settlement agreement.
My WAW has no interest in marriage counseling and DB tactics have not been fruitful. Mediation and lawyers are in the horizon, so quite a picnic coming down the pike for me.
The most frustrating part is the cognitive distortions in regards to the R/M. The magnifying or minimizing a memory or situation such that it no longer corresponds to objective reality or the mental filtering focused only on the negative...there is no success in piercing through the fog.
I feel your sadness about what could have been and send you positive thoughts your direction. You've handle yourself with dignity through the process so my compliments to you. Hang in there as the unwinding process continues.
Happy Thanksgiving!
It will be an interesting Thanksgiving, but mostly positive. I'm having dinner with a "friend family" which has sort of adopted me during this rather rough time.
In the time since she left, I have reconnected with my family, eat better, sleep better, watch less TV, play fewer video games, lost 30 pounds, gotten more fit, learned to dance, gained self-confidence, excelled at work, made new friends, learned to dress well, impressed at an interview, gotten a new and very exciting assignment, and even had another offer of marriage (to my great surprise, and of course I have refused). I will be moving this summer, so even if I lose the house, I'll be okay with that.
Of course, all this comes at the cost of losing my faith in the institution of marriage, my ability to trust, half my retirement (savings and pension), probably my house, and a great deal of happiness. And if I could have her back the way I remembered her--the woman I would have trusted my soul to, not the one who threatened "I'm afraid that if I stay with you I'll cheat, and I have four or five opportunities I can take advantage of at any time"--then yeah, I'd be tempted.
But I can't have that. So time to press forward.
Hos:
Just a quick note to say I'm glad you're doing well despite the circumstances.
I hope you a good Thanksgiving!
Hi Hoswald! Been a long time since I posted on your thread ... lost it, in fact. Anyway, I see there has been no real change in your situation, except you may be closer to the D. I am glad you have a lot of support, and are GAL that you enjoy. Having an interesting job helps too, I'm sure.
I don't have any advice, unfortunately, but I see you've been getting good advice from other forum posters.
Take care.
Wait! I do have some small advice ... try not to be bitter about the woman your W turned into ... remember the person she was when you loved her/she loved you, and things were happy. That way, you can see that your whole M wasn't a waste. The life you had with her wasn't wasted time.
Wait! I do have some small advice ... try not to be bitter about the woman your W turned into ... remember the person she was when you loved her/she loved you, and things were happy. That way, you can see that your whole M wasn't a waste. The life you had with her wasn't wasted time.
Wow those are some deep thoughts. Even if we aren't successful in DBing those are some thoughts to live by. Might have to use that quote some day.
The life I had with her wasn't wasted time. The money I spent on her was.
In fact... one of the things I have my students do at the beginning of term is write random anonymous questions on 3x5 cards in case I have five minutes at the end of class (I have to keep them there, but don't have enough time for a new concept or practice problem, etc).
One of their questions was "if you could go back to any point in your life with the experience and knowledge you have now, when would you go back to?" And I would go back to just before my wedding and get a serious prenup so that she couldn't take my retirement, but apart from that I wouldn't change much.
I loved being married. I don't begrudge the time at all. I do begrudge the fact that I spent tens of thousands of dollars on her education and, rather than paying that back, she publicly talks about how being married to me hindered her and that she is entitled to take even more.
And yes, I'm bitter about the woman she turned into, because that woman will be forcing me to pay for the rest of my life. I genuinely hope she fails, because what she is doing is, to me, evil, and I don't think that evil should be rewarded by success. I'm very angry with her, and I'm very angry with her "friends" who seduced her into doing this and convincing her it was in her best interests.
In the long run, I will be even better off. She has gone through life and convinced herself that she is entitled to money, success, and happiness just because she is reasonably intelligent, where I understand that I'm not entitled to anything and thus have to work like hell for everything I get. As a result, at the end of this she will simply have money, which she will spend away, but I will still be, to be honest, rather awesome.
There were a lot of ways she could have done this well. To continually break promises and continually escalate demands and drag this process out as long as possible--no, I have no respect for her any more. I had 18 fantastic years, and I don't begrudge that time at all. But to have that person turn around, taunt me with her prospective lovers, tell everyone how I oppressed her and restricted her earning potential, take my retirement, force me out of my house and tell people she thinks she's being "flexible and fair"? No, I'm bitter. I've earned it.
The sad truth is, I just don't believe in the legal institution of marriage any more. Relationships, yes; even the "emotional" institution of marriage. But not the legal. Anything that lets a woman take half of what her husband has worked for for their mutual future just because she got bored and horny for the polyamorous lifestyle simply isn't acceptable to me.
Postmortem:
Divorce decree was signed yesterday by the magistrate, with attendant 50/50 division of assets. I am profoundly sad, particularly as I get ready to put my house on the market against my will, and yet relieved to be out from under the tyranny of someone who takes without giving back and then complains how unfair it is.
Life moves on.
You did what you did and did what you could.
Time to take on life with more vigor and joy, hey?
And so it goes... be well, always...
Good luck Hos!
In many cases it's a good riddance.
Time to celebrate bachelorhood
Hos-
You were honorable through the whole process, while DB and during the D proceedings...that's all you can ask.
I wish you much happiness in the future and thank you again for your support.
Take care!