Sinclair's 180 - DivorceBusting.com

The lying, cheating, WAW has had all week. My patience is wearing thin. She's still coming around and calling all the time, but there's no more talk of making an appointment with MC or "dating me" any more. With my new boundaries in place, she would have to give up OM for that. So...I've become my wife's best friend, again.

Time to make some changes! I bought a new truck today. The WAW was probably feeling pretty safe with me driving around in my old junker (not exactly a chick magnet). I also ordered some more books from our joint Amazon account. I know she snoops my book orders; she's asked me about certain titles from past orders. Here's my list of recently purchased books:

"She Comes First: the thinking man's guide to pleasuring a woman."

"I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide."

"Squirms, Screams, & Squirts: Going From Great Sex to Extraordinary Sex."

This should give her something to think about. Now what? Do I go dark? Dim? Or have I already gone too far?

LMAO

Well...

I think you will get her attention with those titles. You got mine. ROFL

If you did it to make her take notice, I will ask you what are you expecting as a result?

I would say that if you did it to make her take notice you did it for the wrong reason.

Actually, I didn't put that much thought into it (lol). maybe, I'm setting the timer. In other words, I'm not happy in this holding pattern; maybe she is. Something has to change.

I'm interested in the books, for sure; they are for me. It's a 180, though, because under normal circumstances, I wouldn't have ordered them. One of the books had a review that hit a cord. It said that if you have been getting all your moves from porn videos, you were doing it all wrong. Well... not all my moves came from porn videos, but I thought they were educational.

Self improvement is part of GAL, right? It's one of many things that need some tweaking. Unfortunately, I have nobody to practice with.

Self improvement in any form is your goal. Part of GAL? Absolutely. Don't go overboard on Self Help either. You can read and soak in knowledge to a point, but then you have to actually apply it.

I'm glad you did this and it's a 180 for YOU. You wanted a new truck and who doesn't feel great driving around in a new vehicle. That was a very good move.

You are on the right path focusing on what makes YOU happy. Keep searching, especially when the emotions about your W and M creep in.

Originally Posted By: sinclair

The lying, cheating, WAW has had all week. My patience is wearing thin. She's still coming around and calling all the time, but there's no more talk of making an appointment with MC or "dating me" any more. With my new boundaries in place, she would have to give up OM for that. So...I've become my wife's best friend, again.

Time to make some changes! I bought a new truck today. The WAW was probably feeling pretty safe with me driving around in my old junker (not exactly a chick magnet). I also ordered some more books from our joint Amazon account. I know she snoops my book orders; she's asked me about certain titles from past orders. Here's my list of recently purchased books:

"She Comes First: the thinking man's guide to pleasuring a woman."

"I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide."

"Squirms, Screams, & Squirts: Going From Great Sex to Extraordinary Sex."

This should give her something to think about. Now what? Do I go dark? Dim? Or have I already gone too far?

This appears to be reactive, and from your last posts she does not appear to be lying and cheating. A lack of patience is not a good reason to react. You have not posted enough for us to really know how seeing the the books will affect her.

Is your goal still to win her back?

btw--a good 180 is not just the opposite of what you would normally do. It's the oppositive of what her complaints are about you.

I would say a good 180 is one that is one that improves you. It might also improve you in her eyes, in fact, if it improves you, that's pretty likely. I maintain that if you are doing it "for her", or to get a reaction from her, it will fail in the end.

DBing is exactly for the purpose of changing your partner's behavior by changing your own. It also helps your gain confidence, and builds you personally, but the purpose is for the relationship.

desert's point is true to the extent that if it helps you to feel it is only for yourself, and you aren't watching her every reaction, you may be able to be more effective.

Originally Posted By: dbmod

desert's point is true to the extent that if it helps you to feel it is only for yourself, and you aren't watching her every reaction, you may be able to be more effective.

I'd go farther, and say if you are watching every reaction, you are in for a tough time. It takes for this to work. Sure, there may be a positive reaction today, but don't get too excited, there will probably be a bit of a downer tomorrow. You are after trends, not events.

You are trying to change the dynamic of the relationship by making changes in yourself. That's what you can control. In my opinion, as soon as you try to control your partner, you are asking for trouble.

Sometimes, even in successful reconciliations things will get worse before they get better. It takes time for a WAS to be ready to back off of a decision that was very hard for them to make in the first place. In their mind, they already tried everything. You can't rush this.

desert might be right about telling her. Tell her your game plan to improve the job situation and then DO it.

I think that's the best bet. Which isn't to say she is going to like it. But she will find out, and if you have hidden it from her, I think that's even worse.

Excellent point!

Quote:

It takes time for a WAS to be ready to back off of a decision that was very hard for them to make in the first place. In their mind, they already tried everything.

That is exactly what she said.

Quote:

I'd go farther, and say if you are watching every reaction, you are in for a tough time.

Another rookie move on my part. I guess if I had given it any thought, I'd have come to the same conclusion myself. Imagine how I'd feel if my wife was ordering books on perfecting the art blow jobs.

In my defense, for me, it's purely academic.

Rookie moves are one reason the board is here. Though it's usually a better plan to post before you shoot yourself in the foot! She isn't going to think it's academic! If you don't think she has already seen it, it might be a good time to change a password, or cancel the order? Just thinking or possible damage control. On the other hand, it isn't going to be a dealbreaker, either, no matter what she says right now.

I do know of cases that I would say were not dissimilar from yours that have resulted in real attempts at reconciliation. (I say that because the one I am really thinking of is a work in progress, and I don't want to jinx it!) But it took a long time. On the scale of a couple of years. It sounds like a long time, but how long did it take to get to where you are?

The point is, while I really understand your desire to change things up, slow and steady is going to give you a lot better chance to succeed.

Sinclair,

You draw a crowd man.....just like a friend of mine did earlier this year....remember Seedy????

This is the first thing I said to CD and I will say it to you or should I say reaffirm what d-rat said " This is going to take TIME!!!!!!!

LETS ALL HOLD HANDS AND SAY IT TOGETHER......

THIS IS GOING TO TAKE TIME.......GOT IT!!!!

Slow down, amigo, take a siesta!!!

Oh yeah, learn SPANISH like Yesterday dude!!!!

BEST ADVICE YOU HAVE HAD, I think CD said it first.

Damage control on the books....if she saw it and asks.....you could say....."Well you said you wanted to date

" and but on your biggest suggestive sh!t eating grin when you say it.

You would not be saying I will have sex with you while you are having sex with other men but you will definitely send the message that you still find her attractive.

Honestly she probably hasn't seen the orders so it does not matter.

You do need to stop trying to do things and then turn around to see if she noticed.

DID I SAY YOU NEED TO LEARN SPANISH......just checking.

I have read all the banter and BS and I agree with dbmod....sorry everyone, call me a conformist.

Now, I am not saying live in an open marriage, but the marriage you HAD is over.....or at least it is for her.

SOOOOOOOOO, stop thinking like a husband and start thinking like a guy that wants to go out with this girl......how does that sound.

Yes, we all want to save our marriages.......

BUT you got to let go of all the self righteous stuff. yeah she cheated, she disrespected you, she broke her vows.....

you go ahead and lay down your boundaries buddy and when she says "no thanks" you will be left with your boundaries oh yeah and your self respect.....try cuddling up with those two things a night. sorry.....just saying it like it is dude.

A couple of days (freaking days ago, that is like a milisecond in DB time) she said she wanted to date!!!!!!!

dbmod is RIGHT.......People would kill for that!!!! and I know a couple of people I would whack for a chance at that. HAHAHAAHA.

I say keep your mouth shut, unless you are going to utter something in spanish, oh BTW DID I SAY YOU THAT YOU NEED TO LEARN SPANISH?????

Look, she is showing interest in you again, it will ebb and flow. Sucks.....too bad.....thats the deal....don't like it....I know where you can go and get great advice for that path.

Want to suck it up and be a MAN, show her something that she can hold on to, go out with her, be nice to her, speak to her in spanish.....get the picture???? I hate to tell you this but you have skipped all the basic classes in DB....you are in the advanced class now.....get hold of your emotions....NOW ......and win her back.

Yes you are competing with the OM and he is losing.....oh and you don't know what they are doing together, it is all in your head.

BTW, learn spanish

.

hang in there.

cheers