want to improve relationship--never married to him - 10/06/10 02:23 AM
I was divorced about 9 years ago by my ex. He got remarried about 3 years ago (and new wife is in the process of divorcing him). After my divorce, until he met the new wife, I didn't date anyone else and we did stuff as a family with our 2 kids (now 12 and 13). That relationship is dead and gone. I tried DivorceBusting to no avail.
What I'm working for now is a better relationship with a guy I met after my ex-husband met his new wife. It was weird. He was the second person I dated (met online), the first one dumped me after a few weeks and I didn't blame him as I was such an emotional mess. The new guy was totally different. He let me cry on his shoulder about my ex-husband, whom I talked about constantly. He took me on the best dates, was cheerful and helped me to forget my problems momentarily, and over time helped me to heal. We ended up being "Friends with Benefits" although I wasn't looking for a sexual relationship. He really did seem to be my "best friend" and was quite a comfort to me. He told me from the beginning that he eventually wanted to marry and have kids, but I wasn't what he was looking for long term. He also told me he was mostly looking for friends, since I told him I was too old for him when we were still talking online. I know I gave in to his sexual advances too easily, but I was so starved for attention and affection.
He was so kind and open and honest and the only bad thing about the relationship was knowing he would dump me as soon as someone better came along. He was over 35, had very few relationships with women,always dumping them when they got serious--the longest was 4 months, and NONE of them was someone he'd consider marrying. (He wanted never married, no kids, 25 years old or so).
I was horrified when I got pregnant (using birth control and I was over 40!) 3 months after meeting him. He wanted me to have an abortion, and I refused and we pretty much continued our friendship till I was 4 1/2 months pregnant and I asked for a commitment of some sort--I wanted to know he'd be there for me and the baby. He had been up and down, one day feeling excited and making plans and the next day he'd tell me he would support her financially, but he didn't know if he'd be involved in her life. I didn't see this man and spoke little to him till the night I had the baby. He dropped me like a hot potato and made my pregnancy even more unpleasant.
He's a very involved Dad, but we have an awkward relationship. Neither of us is seeing anyone else as far as I know, and even if we don't have a romantic relationship, I SO miss the closeness and the smiles.
I would consider marrying this man at some point if he was willing. I strongly am against bringing any other man into my children's lives. But I get so lonely, not only for affection, but even more so for just male companionship. I can't put into words how much I miss the warmth of the relationship as it was those first 7 1/2 months.
He's in my life, but I feel like he doesn't to be in it. I lasted longer than any other woman, but if I hadn't gotten pregnant and if I hadn't brought up "commitment"--who knows, we might still be together. About a year ago he put walls up (I have read Steven CArter's "Men who Can't Love" and I think he's very much a commitment-phobe) and put distance between us. He stopped sharing with me about his friends, his family, his work and he would get very upset if I made any inquiries.
I have told him I'm not happy with the relationship as it is and love him as a brother and want us to feel comfortable with each other. I asked him to have coffee with just me and him so we could talk without the baby around and just rebuild a rapport with each other,and he said he didn't feel comfortable being with me without the baby.
Last week, we met for lunch and the baby was asleep, so we had some time we sat and talked. Well, I talked. He didn't say much, but did seem pretty comfortable and had better than usual eye contact. Didn't mention the relationship or any touchy subjects.
I have NEVER really pursued him. I am wondering if that was a mistake. When he first dumped me, I let him know it wasn't what I wanted, but I pretty much left him alone--checking in every week or two, updating him on the pregnancy, etc. I always wanted to be friends even if we weren't going to have any romantic or sexual relationship. I have brought this up a few times, but I have never pushed hard. I am not sure if a 180 of this behavior is appropriate.
I really do love this man and I miss him being such good company. I know that we're family now, through the child. He does NOT want me getting involved with another man, for the same reasons I don't want to, but he doesn't want me himself.
I see him about 4 or 5 times a week, sometimes for as much as 3 hours with the child (she's almost 2).
This is a bit of an unusual situation and I really need guidance. Not sure if this is where to find it, but didn't know any other place to look.
This would be a totally different situation if there was not a child involved. I know if it weren't for the baby, I'd have a partner in my life. I could easily find someone else. I'm really not very unattractive and I think most people find me to have a decent personality. I just haven't made myself available other than for a few months between my ex-husband's engagement,and becoming monogamous with my baby's father (at his request)a few weeks after meeting him. I have met other guys online, and I freak out when they want to meet.I had a coffee date with a single dad at my daughter's school,and although he was great, I kept feeling that I didn't need to be with any other man besides my child's father.
What I'm working for now is a better relationship with a guy I met after my ex-husband met his new wife. It was weird. He was the second person I dated (met online), the first one dumped me after a few weeks and I didn't blame him as I was such an emotional mess. The new guy was totally different. He let me cry on his shoulder about my ex-husband, whom I talked about constantly. He took me on the best dates, was cheerful and helped me to forget my problems momentarily, and over time helped me to heal. We ended up being "Friends with Benefits" although I wasn't looking for a sexual relationship. He really did seem to be my "best friend" and was quite a comfort to me. He told me from the beginning that he eventually wanted to marry and have kids, but I wasn't what he was looking for long term. He also told me he was mostly looking for friends, since I told him I was too old for him when we were still talking online. I know I gave in to his sexual advances too easily, but I was so starved for attention and affection.
He was so kind and open and honest and the only bad thing about the relationship was knowing he would dump me as soon as someone better came along. He was over 35, had very few relationships with women,always dumping them when they got serious--the longest was 4 months, and NONE of them was someone he'd consider marrying. (He wanted never married, no kids, 25 years old or so).
I was horrified when I got pregnant (using birth control and I was over 40!) 3 months after meeting him. He wanted me to have an abortion, and I refused and we pretty much continued our friendship till I was 4 1/2 months pregnant and I asked for a commitment of some sort--I wanted to know he'd be there for me and the baby. He had been up and down, one day feeling excited and making plans and the next day he'd tell me he would support her financially, but he didn't know if he'd be involved in her life. I didn't see this man and spoke little to him till the night I had the baby. He dropped me like a hot potato and made my pregnancy even more unpleasant.
He's a very involved Dad, but we have an awkward relationship. Neither of us is seeing anyone else as far as I know, and even if we don't have a romantic relationship, I SO miss the closeness and the smiles.
I would consider marrying this man at some point if he was willing. I strongly am against bringing any other man into my children's lives. But I get so lonely, not only for affection, but even more so for just male companionship. I can't put into words how much I miss the warmth of the relationship as it was those first 7 1/2 months.
He's in my life, but I feel like he doesn't to be in it. I lasted longer than any other woman, but if I hadn't gotten pregnant and if I hadn't brought up "commitment"--who knows, we might still be together. About a year ago he put walls up (I have read Steven CArter's "Men who Can't Love" and I think he's very much a commitment-phobe) and put distance between us. He stopped sharing with me about his friends, his family, his work and he would get very upset if I made any inquiries.
I have told him I'm not happy with the relationship as it is and love him as a brother and want us to feel comfortable with each other. I asked him to have coffee with just me and him so we could talk without the baby around and just rebuild a rapport with each other,and he said he didn't feel comfortable being with me without the baby.
Last week, we met for lunch and the baby was asleep, so we had some time we sat and talked. Well, I talked. He didn't say much, but did seem pretty comfortable and had better than usual eye contact. Didn't mention the relationship or any touchy subjects.
I have NEVER really pursued him. I am wondering if that was a mistake. When he first dumped me, I let him know it wasn't what I wanted, but I pretty much left him alone--checking in every week or two, updating him on the pregnancy, etc. I always wanted to be friends even if we weren't going to have any romantic or sexual relationship. I have brought this up a few times, but I have never pushed hard. I am not sure if a 180 of this behavior is appropriate.
I really do love this man and I miss him being such good company. I know that we're family now, through the child. He does NOT want me getting involved with another man, for the same reasons I don't want to, but he doesn't want me himself.
I see him about 4 or 5 times a week, sometimes for as much as 3 hours with the child (she's almost 2).
This is a bit of an unusual situation and I really need guidance. Not sure if this is where to find it, but didn't know any other place to look.
This would be a totally different situation if there was not a child involved. I know if it weren't for the baby, I'd have a partner in my life. I could easily find someone else. I'm really not very unattractive and I think most people find me to have a decent personality. I just haven't made myself available other than for a few months between my ex-husband's engagement,and becoming monogamous with my baby's father (at his request)a few weeks after meeting him. I have met other guys online, and I freak out when they want to meet.I had a coffee date with a single dad at my daughter's school,and although he was great, I kept feeling that I didn't need to be with any other man besides my child's father.