Well...after having it for less than 2 weeks the fish my ex bought for D3 died.
Not that I'm surprised. But it really irks me that she would get her something like that given how much tending to fish need (pH monitoring, water changing, feeding) and how little she likely did.
So she's supposedly gonna buy a new one to replace the one that died...but I think it was a mistake buying one in the first place. None of those people over there use their head when it comes to doing something for or with D3...if it sounds fun they just do it and any problems that come up as a result they just say "oh well".
Tomorrow morning my ex and I have to attend a co-parenting seminar as part of the custody proceedings. That should be fun I tell ya.
I went to my IC today...and the last time I saw him, I received the custody papers later that day...and he was taken aback that she hadnt said anything to me about going after custody....essentially sucker punching me.
I told him that I was upset at first but thats how my ex has done everythign so far...leaving, OM, now custody...so the frustration at her doing it behind my back while playing nice to my face, offering me doughtnuts, etc...isnt as bad.
Anyway...tonight should be relaxing. Tomorrow is something else.
I understand you feel hurt and betrayed but it seems no matter what, you look at everything your ex does as a negative.
Yes, it sucks the fish died but sometimes fish die. My neighbor is a fish freak. He has a gorgeous aquarium and he loves and cares for his fish like crazy. He has had fish die for no reason after a few weeks from time to time and it was not due to neglect. Maybe your ex did neglect the fish but maybe not.
And maybe the co-parenting seminar will be good. You and your ex might learn something that could really help you work together much better. It could turn out to be really helpful. Why not go in to a required seminar with a more positive outlook?
IMO your C should not be making comments about your ex and her motivations if she is not present. He should be helping you develop tools to deal with what comes your way (surprise custody papers). It kind of seems when he makes comments like he does (your ex sucker punching you or telling you your behavior when you stormed over there was understandable) he sort of keeps the negativity going. You or your C can't control what your ex does or does not do. What the both of you can work on is how you react and handle it.
Well that was a waste of time...and it only served to make me mad and cause conflict between my ex and me.
Well I was already upset the night before. My ex and D3 went to a birthday dinner for my ex's grandmother...and that stuck into me as just one more family event I was now excluded from now that all of this has happened.
So I got to the co-parenting class site...and I was already in the mindset of how wrong all this was (not just the class...the whole situation). My ex pulled up next to me...and saw that I was upset so she asked me to come over to her car. I told her basically what was on my mind and as usual it meant nothing.
We went in, sat down, and the class was essentially a couple of videos and two people discussing the impact on children as well as co-parenting strategies. The "business like" approach was emphasized.
They also talked about people starting up one relationship before the last one ended...and that got to me. There were a few other things like different bedtimes, food, schedules, and other R issues that were said that hit home as far as how things have gone down in my own sitch. Every time something like that was mentioned I couldnt help but grumble or agree under my breath.
So by the time it was finally over with I was annoyed to say the least. I tried tlaking to my ex after it was done...asking her to sit down and talk about all this like adults and she refused.
After we each left I tried again to get her to meet me somewhere to reasonably talk about everythign and she said no. I told her I couldnt believe she wanted to go through life with us being enemies, and she said we didnt have to be enemies. She said we could get along for D3.
I asked her why just for D3...n she said somethig about my wanting us to get back together and that we're over and can get along for D3. I said soemthing else and she said we could be friedns but thats is that she doesnt have feelings for me.
I told her that it would be fake...that she wont even try anything and wont let herself be open. So she said forget it all then.
This went on and on through the afternoon and evening, and eventually she went to work and ignored me.
So in this case the mandatory "co-parenting" class, that I have to pay for because my ex filed on me, only made things worse not better.
And I'm pretty sure from here on out things are just gonna keep getting worse.
Case in point: I'm not sure, but I think my ex is receiving WIC benefits that she isnt entitled to due to the combined income of her, her dad, and her dad's g/f in his house. Their income may not matter/count, but I'm not sure. So I told my ex that I read up on the income guidelines and didnt think she qualified anymore and (tounge in cheek) since I know she wouldnt want to be receiving it illegally she might wanna look into it. Then I filed an anonymous report with the state to have it investigated.
Yes...that was mean/spiteful...I was reacting out of my hurt from the night before and her unwillingness to give a little yesterday...though at least I gave my ex fair warning. I'm sure if her dad and his g/f's income doesnt matter, or if she goes down there and tells them of the income changes they'll just stop it and it wont be a big deal.
But if she isnt willing to give me a chance, then I'm not going to allow her poor choices and wrongs to me and D3 to go unpunished. All she had to do was give me another chance and aside from us working things out and being happy, none of this would be necessary.
So in this case the mandatory "co-parenting" class, that I have to pay for because my ex filed on me, only made things worse not better.
And I'm pretty sure from here on out things are just gonna keep getting worse.
Case in point: I'm not sure, but I think my ex is receiving WIC benefits that she isnt entitled to due to the combined income of her, her dad, and her dad's g/f in his house. Their income may not matter/count, but I'm not sure. So I told my ex that I read up on the income guidelines and didnt think she qualified anymore and (tounge in cheek) since I know she wouldnt want to be receiving it illegally she might wanna look into it. Then I filed an anonymous report with the state to have it investigated.
Yes...that was mean/spiteful...I was reacting out of my hurt from the night before and her unwillingness to give a little yesterday...though at least I gave my ex fair warning. I'm sure if her dad and his g/f's income doesnt matter, or if she goes down there and tells them of the income changes they'll just stop it and it wont be a big deal.
But if she isnt willing to give me a chance, then I'm not going to allow her poor choices and wrongs to me and D3 to go unpunished. All she had to do was give me another chance and aside from us working things out and being happy, none of this would be necessary.
It didn't make things worse. YOU made things worse.
Seriously, what is wrong with you? You indulge in pre-meditated meanness and spitefulness and try to find some flimsy excuse for it. And you are "punishing" her for her right to choose NOT to be with you with something entirely un-related in an extremely immature way. Which, by the way, I do not see helping you or D3 in any concrete way at all either.
So, if you are being honest with yourself, what has ANYTHING in your conduct over the last couple of weeks done to convince anyone that you are a human being they might want to be with, much less a man they can depend on? Would your answer help you understand why your ex is indeed now your ex and why she is treating you the way she is?
[quote=nsw1222]
So, if you are being honest with yourself, what has ANYTHING in your conduct over the last couple of weeks done to convince anyone that you are a human being they might want to be with, much less a man they can depend on? Would your answer help you understand why your ex is indeed now your ex and why she is treating you the way she is?
No, I get it. Like CityGirl said...tit for tat kind of stuff. and yeah, my behavior wouldnt give her any reason to want to come back. but she chose to leave...and I would never be acting like this or doing any of this if she hadnt left.
If you go and whack a dog on the head with a stick...is it truely the dogs fault for biting you?
You really must stop this. Being hurt and angry is one thing. Behaving in a vindictive and reckless way is something different.
Yes, your ex chose to leave. Yes, it is very painful. Yes, it is life altering. The thing you constantly seem to gloss over is the fact you do have a choice on how you react to all of this.
Like the under the table pay/tax issue, the WIC issue has been going on for some time. You were fine with her getting WIC until you needed *something* else to retaliate with. Just like you were fine with her pay/tax situation until you thought you could use it to hurt her like she hurt you.
The one thing you failed to realize is either situation could not only come back to bite you (because you knew about it long before you reported it, resulting in you being equally as guilty) but what it could do to your daughter. Do you really want your daughter to have TWO parents wrapped up in costly and lengthy issues because you decided to be vindictive? If your ex has her WIC taken away your daughter loses out.
All you do is blame. You blame your ex, OM, your ex's dad and now the parenting class. How has that worked out for you thus far.
You act horrible then you become angry when your EX refuses to engage with you. If the tables were turned and you sat in a parenting glass with somebody that mumbled and grumbled under their breath as you said you did, would you be keen on spending additional time with them?
You keep saying this is all for your daughter but I don't believe that. If it was indeed for the sake of your daughter you NEVER would be acting like this. Period.
It is crystal clear why your EX avoids you like the plague. You said yourself just two posts up you behaved in a mean and spiteful manner because you did not get your way. And you even took it a step further by BLAMING your ex for this behavior because she would not "give a little". Maybe at this time she *is* giving all she can. Or, maybe she has zero desire to give you anything. Whatever the case may be you must accept it for what it is. But you don't. Instead you pursue and smother her then BLAME her when she retreats further.
I don't believe this is about saving your R anymore. You simply want and need control. You try and control your ex and when that doesn't work you take extreme and vindictive measures to try and regain control. So far that strategy has almost gotten you arrested, put you square in the middle of a custody battle, pushed your ex further away and now you have resorted to filing complaints about her benefits.
You haven't done any work on you. Not one bit. The teacher at the class told you to treat co-parenting as a business. That as good advice as it removes all the emotional junk and allows you and your ex to focus on the most important job at hand, raising your child.
We all backslide and make mistakes but you go far beyond "the usual" and I find it disturbing. We all hate the justifications a WAS uses but you, as a LBS, seem to do an equally good job at justifying very bad behavior. Nobody has made you do anything. You have chosen to react terribly.
If you go and whack a dog on the head with a stick...is it truely the dogs fault for biting you?
You are not a dog. You're a human being with the faculties to choose how or whether to react to this woman.
With all the women in the world, you are still pining away for this trashy little skank and angry about her middle-age boytoy. You're also indulging in dirty tricks... stooping to her level in other words.
All this has nothing to do with the three year old little girl who depends upon her dad to set an example of high-minded stability. That should be your focus now. Forget about all these others. They matter not.
Peace, CV_95
You really must stop this. Being hurt and angry is one thing. Behaving in a vindictive and reckless way is something different.
Yes, your ex chose to leave. Yes, it is very painful. Yes, it is life altering. The thing you constantly seem to gloss over is the fact you do have a choice on how you react to all of this.
I know...I hope I accepted that myself earlier today. See below.
You act horrible then you become angry when your EX refuses to engage with you. If the tables were turned and you sat in a parenting glass with somebody that mumbled and grumbled under their breath as you said you did, would you be keen on spending additional time with them?
...
It is crystal clear why your EX avoids you like the plague.
Probably not. I guess I'm just having trouble getting over the fact that she's probably gonna be getting away scot-free after what she did to me. It's like someone committing a crime but being set free due to a technicality. In this case the technicality is that if one person wants out of the relationship, its over.
And while I still do have feelings for her, at the same time I still am angry with myself for having ever met her. Had it not been for her I could have met someone else who wouldnt bail on me when times were tough...or I could have gone somewhere and found a great high paying job where I was a great success. Instead I'm stuck here, alone, in a poor job market, with a child who's gonna have a lot of issues to deal with growing up because her mom and dad couldnt work things out.
I was raised with family values...to do unto others...to treat people, women in particular, with respect, to put your child first above all else...to do things around the house for the person you love instead of being a typical man who drinks beer and watches football on the couch all the time...and what did it get me? I was a nice guy...who stuck it out when times got tough...and I still ended up losing. How is that fair...how is that right?
That right there is why I'm acting the way I am now...because everything I came to believe in...that doing the right thing and doing right by people will make you come out on top in the end...got turned upside down when she left.
With all the women in the world, you are still pining away for this trashy little skank and angry about her middle-age boytoy. You're also indulging in dirty tricks... stooping to her level in other words.
Easy there crushed. As much as I'm hurting and hate my ex for what she did, I still have feelings for her(God only knows why). So I know you mean well...but I wouldnt say shes a trashy skank or really want anyone else saying that either. And yeah I am stooping to her level...my parents have brought that up many times when they've begged me to not say anything about the taxes. They dont know anything about the WIC reporting...but I'm sure if I tell them they wont be happy.
All this has nothing to do with the three year old little girl who depends upon her dad to set an example of high-minded stability. That should be your focus now. Forget about all these others. They matter not.
yeah. for about 30 minutes today, after more begging to no avail to try and get my ex to be reasonable so that I wouldnt do something that she'd hate me for, I was dead set on reporting my ex for the under the table tax thing. then I was talking to my friend who's divorced and taking her little girl to a museum today with her ex...and I realized that if I did report my ex, not only would she face major fines and hate me, but D3 might as well some day, and there would never be any peaceful/happy moments where my ex and I could do something like taking D3 to a museum together.
So I told my ex that I had changed my mind, that two wrongs dont make a right, and that if I were to do something that makes her unhappy n gets her in trouble not only would I look like a child but it would set a bad example for D3. I apologized, n I hope thats as far as it goes. However, if she chooses to go to her L about what I said...thinking I meant I was gonna do something illegal (since I didnt actually tell her it was about the tax thing)...and it ends up coming up in court...she and her L may end up reporting herself because if I'm testifying under oath I cant lie about what I know.
Sigh.
Probably not. I guess I'm just having trouble getting over the fact that she's probably gonna be getting away scot-free after what she did to me. It's like someone committing a crime but being set free due to a technicality. In this case the technicality is that if one person wants out of the relationship, its over.
She may or may not have any consequences. That is for her to deal with. It is not up to you to create consequences by being ugly or making her out to be some sort of criminal. People enter in to R's under free will and they do the same when they exit a R. Of course it hurts when one person chooses to exit a R. You are giving your EX no reason to even give you a second glance. In fact, all you are doing is pushing her closer and closer to OM.
And while I still do have feelings for her, at the same time I still am angry with myself for having ever met her. Had it not been for her I could have met someone else who wouldnt bail on me when times were tough...or I could have gone somewhere and found a great high paying job where I was a great success. Instead I'm stuck here, alone, in a poor job market, with a child who's gonna have a lot of issues to deal with growing up because her mom and dad couldnt work things out.
You are angry about things you chose and now cannot change. Why be angry about meeting her and having a R with her? It is such wasted energy as you can't go back and change that. And if you could go back and change that you would not have your daughter. You chose not to pursue a move/high paying job. Yes, that choice was in the name of family but it still was a choice you made. And yes, all divorced kids have issues but don't make them worse (which you are).
I was raised with family values...to do unto others...to treat people, women in particular, with respect, to put your child first above all else...to do things around the house for the person you love instead of being a typical man who drinks beer and watches football on the couch all the time...and what did it get me? I was a nice guy...who stuck it out when times got tough...and I still ended up losing. How is that fair...how is that right?
Hate to break it to you by life is not always fair. I don't consider having a daughter "losing". You may have lost something but you also gained quite a bit. I did everything "right" my whole life and I ended up being diagnosed with an illness with no cure. Is that fair? No. It's not. Sometimes we get cards dealt to us that we simply have to accept and make the best of. Basically it sounds to me since you no longer have your EX you no longer feel you need to put forth the values you say you have. That outlook will do nothing for you, now or ever.
That right there is why I'm acting the way I am now...because everything I came to believe in...that doing the right thing and doing right by people will make you come out on top in the end...got turned upside down when she left.
WE ALL GOT TURNED AROUND WHEN OUR SPOUSES LEFT. If you were anything like this in your R then things are starting to make sense. Doing the "right thing" should not be for a reward. Doing the right thing should simply be the foundation in which you live your life under any circumstance. Sometimes we come out of on top, sometimes we don't but at the end of the day, no mater what the outcome, we should know in our hearts we did in fact do the right thing.
And yeah I am stooping to her level...my parents have brought that up many times when they've begged me to not say anything about the taxes. They dont know anything about the WIC reporting...but I'm sure if I tell them they wont be happy.
You are disappointing your parents as a son and man. That alone should make you stop and take pause. If your own parents are disappointed in how you are behaving perhaps you need to stop and really think about that. You know it is wrong, we tell you it is wrong, your parents tell you it is wrong yet you have no self control to stop. This is exactly where you need to implement the "do the right" thing mentality.
for about 30 minutes today, after more begging to no avail to try and get my ex to be reasonable so that I wouldnt do something that she'd hate me for, I was dead set on reporting my ex for the under the table tax thing. then I was talking to my friend who's divorced and taking her little girl to a museum today with her ex...and I realized that if I did report my ex, not only would she face major fines and hate me, but D3 might as well some day, and there would never be any peaceful/happy moments where my ex and I could do something like taking D3 to a museum together.
So once again you smothered, begged, pursued and when that didn't work you threatened her? And the ONLY thing that made you stop was the idea of a future outing with your ex and daughter? Don't you realize each time you act like this you close the window inch by inch on that EVER happening?
So I told my ex that I had changed my mind, that two wrongs dont make a right, and that if I were to do something that makes her unhappy n gets her in trouble not only would I look like a child but it would set a bad example for D3. I apologized, n I hope thats as far as it goes. However, if she chooses to go to her L about what I said...thinking I meant I was gonna do something illegal (since I didnt actually tell her it was about the tax thing)...and it ends up coming up in court...she and her L may end up reporting herself because if I'm testifying under oath I cant lie about what I know.
So basically you threaten her and when that didn't work you go back to groveling and pursuing. And once again you make it out to be NOT your fault if this matter is brought to light? YOU ARE THE ONE THAT BROUGHT IT TO LIGHT. Of course she is going to tell her attny. You are threatening her. Even if the tax/WIC matter go nowhere it continues to establish a very vindictive pattern of behavior on your part. That is what will bite you in the ass.
[
Probably not. I guess I'm just having trouble getting over the fact that she's probably gonna be getting away scot-free after what she did to me. It's like someone committing a crime but being set free due to a technicality. In this case the technicality is that if one person wants out of the relationship, its over.
You MUST get help immediately. You are WRONG about the way you are thinking about this.
Leaving someone or breaking up with them or whatever it is you think has happened is NOT A CRIME.
You CANNOT control another person to do what you want them to do. Yes, like others have said, it is hurtful and awful when someone cheats on you and leaves you. It's emotionally terrible and when children are involved, it seems like a kick-in-the-gut.
There's no technicality that she "got off" on. There's no law that stops someone from leaving. Thank goodness. If I had to stay married to my stbx-h after I found out that he had an affair, it would be a hundred times worse than it is.
It is not a crime because you do not own her. She hasn't been stolen. For better or worse, YOU picked her to be your daughter's mom. And you are still deciding to make the situation worse for your daughter by throwing these tantrums and ridiculous statements about trying to "bust" your wife for tax or assistance issues. She is not your responsibility.
She is not YOURS. Let me say it again. YOU DO NOT OWN HER.
She hasn't done anything WRONG according to the law. Get help.
I was raised with family values
It's pretty obvious you weren't. If you were raised with family values, you would have married the mother of your child, and you would have married her before she got pregnant.
You would legally be a family.
Please tell me where this imaginary "family values" wingnut phrase that you're using is coming from?
I think you misquoted because I did not say (as per above) that he was raised with family values. Just wanted to clarify!
Oops, the formatting is wrong. but it was the original poster, nsw, who said that he had family values. not city girl.
For the life of me, I can never figure out what people mean by the phrase "family values." It seems like such a meaningless phrase, especially since there are so many variations of what a "family" means.
I was raised with family values
It's pretty obvious you weren't. If you were raised with family values, you would have married the mother of your child, and you would have married her before she got pregnant.
You would legally be a family.
Please tell me where this imaginary "family values" wingnut phrase that you're using is coming from?
We were engaged before our daughter was born but even with that she dragged her heels and hid the ring under long sleeved shirts n stuff for a month or so before she let anyone else see it. If it were up to me we would have been married...but again it takes two.
For the life of me, I can never figure out what people mean by the phrase "family values." It seems like such a meaningless phrase, especially since there are so many variations of what a "family" means.
in my mind...it's a mother and father weathering all storms, staying together and working through their problems for the good of themselves and their children instead of seeking third parties or just splitting up.
March 7
I was raised with family values
It's pretty obvious you weren't. If you were raised with family values, you would have married the mother of your child, and you would have married her before she got pregnant.
You would legally be a family.
We were engaged before our daughter was born but even with that she dragged her heels and hid the ring under long sleeved shirts n stuff for a month or so before she let anyone else see it.
If it were up to me we would have been married...but again it takes two.
Well you talked about everything but marriage. You've been with this woman for over seven years.....you are engaged to her but you never M her. She had you child.......I mean, why the heck did the two of you never make it legal?
Several people have asked me this since we broke up. While I cant speak for her, on my end,
I slowed down on the desire for marriage because she was very bad with money and she had such a short fuse that I was afraid she would do what she ended up doing anyway, getitng mad and walking out on me, only with us being married things would be even more complicated.
I agree with you about my reasons for not wanting to get married being lame...and I now have to live with the possibility that I may never get to rectify the situation.
You said yourself how badly you treated her before she left you. Didn't you say you hardly ever paid any attention to her? Didn't you say she couldn't take care of D3 as well as you could......b/c you were so particular about how things were done for your D? Didn't you say that you spent almost all your home time on the computer? Didn't you say that you hardly ever took her out anywhere?
[snip]
You didn't even want her until you found out somebody else wanted her! You know what? If she did come back home, she wouldn't be there a month until you would be treating her like cr@p again! Know how I know? B/c she wasn't up to your standards to marry her, that's why. Go back and read your answer to me when I asked you why you were with her for 7 1/2 years and yet you never M her.
Actually Sandi...
I didnt push the issue of marriage.
If you go and whack a dog on the head with a stick...is it truely the dogs fault for biting you?
Not to be an a$$hole here, but if the dog bites you, it's
entirely your fault for hitting it in the first place.
If you go and whack a dog on the head with a stick...is it truely the dogs fault for biting you?
Not to be an a$$hole here, but if the dog bites you, it's
entirely your fault for hitting it in the first place.
Sure, but she didn't hit the dog on the head with a stick. She just walked away from the dog.
you enjoy putting out fire with gasoline!
you enjoy putting out fire with gasoline!
pretty much.
my ex told me yesterday that if I were the last man on earth she wouldnt get back in a relationship with me. this after she went to breakfast with me and was on the "lets be friends" bandwagon.
now we're not speaking and she wont come in the house to pick up/drop off D3.
theres more to it than that...I wanted her to go into counseling and she again refused, said she's done, etc. it went on and on for a few hours...but suffice it to say we're done aside from D3 related functions....if then even.
my ex told me yesterday that if I were the last man on earth she wouldnt get back in a relationship with me.
"So you're saying there's still a chance?"
Sorry, nsw, I couldn't resist.
Sometimes a little levity keeps us from going crazy.
I've kept up on your sitch and I'm not convinced that all hope is lost. I know it seems that way. I think your ex is so tired of knowing that every time she comes in contact with you that it will result in an agruement. Right now she sees no reason to even consider being with you again based on your actions. Would it be possible for you to leave her alone for 30 days straight with the exception of taking care of your D3's needs?...and when you do interact with ex about D3, can you try to keep it friendly no matter what your ex throws at you? If you try that and STICK TO IT, you just might be surprised by the results.
Seriously?
Why do you keep bugging her when each time it pushes her farther and farther away? Back off.
I'd get pissed too if I was in her shoes. Stop doing what doesn't work.
I am really having a hard time understanding what you are doing.
Do you *really* get how serious this situation is? You are about to enter into a custody agreement with a woman you are not even legally married to. You are about to enter into a custody agreement with a woman that you cannot even sit through ONE parenting class with. You are about to enter into a custody agreement with a woman AFTER you stormed her house to confront her and her BF. Do you realize this is not a game?
Clearly you have not yet mastered the ability to refrain from R's talks, NOT pursue and quite simply leave things be.
Why do you keep spending time with this woman when you know damn well you are unable to control yourself? Don't say it is for your daughter because it is not. Your daughter is the excuse you use to spend time with your EX. You get plenty of one on one time w/your daughter.
You are digging your own grave as far as custody goes and any chance of having *any* sort of R with your EX.
You know what doesn't work. Stop.
Why do you keep spending time with this woman when you know damn well you are unable to control yourself?
Well I would say we wont be spending any more time together in the future.
And yeah...everythign I do makes my position in the custody case that much worse. Two months ago I would have had no problem winning and maintaining primary custody. now...thanks to all the drama from learning about the OM to my interactions with her...it's looking more like joint custody at best.
There were two conversations with my ex that, if I had recorded, would have likely put me back up there as an almost guarantee for keeping primary custody. One was last week where she was going off on a rant about her mom and grandmother and calling them c*nts and saying she hoped they choked on shrimp at dinner and died.
I think a judge would have a hard time awarding much custody to someone who could say that about their own mother and grandmother.
The other conversation was this morning when she openly admitted to her pay from her one job not being on the books. While not directly relevant to the custody issue it would have been good to have "just in case".
I cant wait til this weekend. My family is coming into town and we're taking D3 to see Disney's Nemo on Ice. It will be nice to see them and have them here in person for support.
While I don't know what state you live in, unless you have both parties consent to record a conversation it would not be allowable as part of your case.
The problem is you are only hunting for ways to make your EX look bad. You are so busy doing that you have STOPPED doing things that make you look "good".
If you are only awarded joint custody (and keep this up and that will be iffy at best) the ONLY person you have to blame is YOU because the ONLY person you can control is YOU.
And I really have to wonder how badly you want full custody. IMO if that was your main desire you would have stopped this terrible and damaging behavior a long time ago and really focused on the goal at hand. Instead you made it all about your EX, her off the books pay, her foul mouth, her dirty father and his GF, the OM, the fact you chose not to move and get a better paying job and the fact your EX is not a good shopper. All that BS for what? Not only has it gotten you nowhere but it now may get you much less.
I hope one day you are honest with yourself and really examine why you chose to keep acting this way when custody of your CHILD was at stake. If your true and pure goal was to obtain full custody ALL this other stuff would have been nothing more than tiny blips on the radar that meant nothing to you.
And I really have to wonder how badly you want full custody. IMO if that was your main desire you would have stopped this terrible and damaging behavior a long time ago and really focused on the goal at hand.
I guess my main desire was more to convince my ex to stop all this foolishness as I saw it and come back...at which point custody of D3 would be a non-issue since we'd be together again.
If I could have foreseen everything that happened over the past 3-4 months...knowing how it would hall be working out, I would have ignored my ex over focusing on being the super dad I once was.
And if I am not awarded primary custody I do agree that its my own fault for not controlling my emotions and consequently my behavior. Up until I fouind out about the OM and bregan to react to it, my ex had nothing on me. I mean if back then she would have told a judge that she left because I paid more attention to D3 and taking care of D3 and all the housework than I did my ex, I would have been a show in for primary custody.
At any rate...I havent heard from my ex since she dorpped off D3 yesterday. She didnt call D3 before bed last night (I think...I got a restricted call around her bedtime but figured it was a telemarketer and didnt answer) nor did she show up at D3's school this morning like she's done for the past few weeks. Of course that may be because I told her not to. She got pissy with me yesterday morning at D3's pick up when I wanted to talk to her and she said she wasnt going to talk about anything, that this was her time with D3 and she wanted to get her and go. So I told her that today was my time with her and she shouldnt show up at her school.
At least she finally did something I asked...I guess. She may have gone out and got drunk last night and not been able to drive to D3s school...who knows.
"So I told her that today was my time with her and she shouldnt show up at her school."
I feel so sorry for your D. What the hell were you thinking of saying something like this? She's your D's mother. If she wants to see her D at school, let her. All of this is going to come back to you big time.
So what if she tells you that you can't come to your D's graduation or plays or birthday because it's HER day? You have a real all or nothing attitude that doesn't help your D one bit.
You want to believe you're father of the year, then start acting like it. Show her how an ADULT acts. Right now you're acting like a kid who can't get what he wants so he throws a tantrum.
We've all gone through what you did. But there comes a point where we figure out how to compromise to actually start healing. You need to get to that point for the sake of your D and yourself.
Ok...heres a very serious and pressing issue that I'd like to get input on:
I think part of the excitement of this relationsip between OM and my ex is how she thinks nobody knows about it other than her dad and his g/f (she thinks her mom and sisters dont know)...and I'm wondering how much of the OMs family knows.
While the OM doesnt have a wife, he does have a mother and I found out her phone number. Would it be wrong to expose what's going on between him and my ex to her and if so why (aside from the custody case going on)?
I mean...I'm thinking the reasons to do it would be if the woman, coming from an older generation, has any sort of values she'll be appalled and give her son hell for dating someone so much younger than him and keeping a family broken up as a result.
I found her name and then number by searching the public records and white pages online for OM and got a list of some of his relatives. I dont want to get in trouble with the law but if its only a one time call (as opposed to two or more)...I wouldnt think that could be considered harassment or anything. But I dont know.
I mean...for those that expose affairs to the OPs spouse...are you guys getting in trouble for harassment or anything?
I just need to know what the immediate legal reprocussions could be before I do something that could get me arrested.
I sort of think if you wonder for just ONE SECOND if you might get arrested then chances are it is not a good idea.
What on Earth good would it do to involve an elderly woman in all this drama? You assume too much. So what she comes from a different generation? That doesn't exactly mean her values are stellar or that she will "ream" her son out for being with your EX. Her values may not reflect the values of her son and there is nothing a mother can do about the way a grown son behaves. Just like there is nothing your parents can seem to do about the way you behave even if it does go against their values.
You are not exposing an affair to the OM's spouse as the OM does not have a spouse. You are involving an elderly woman that may or may not have any clue what is going on. You have NO CLUE the type of R the OM has with his mom or what she may or may not know. For all you know the OM has already told him mom and filled her in on the night you stormed over there. Maybe she thinks you are the crazy one.
I can't for the life of me understand why you would take such a risk when (A) you are quickly losing any credibility for joint custody (B) you have already made a spectacle that almost resulted in one arrest and (C) your EX has made it perfectly clear she does not want you.
You really sound like you have gone off the deep end. And the person that will suffer the most is your daughter.
For all you know the OM has already told him mom and filled her in on the night you stormed over there.
I thought about that...at least about him filling her in on who he's seeing. And I also thought about whether she knows or not, if she's like a lot of the amoral people in this town, she still might not care that he's seeing someone so much younger or that his actions affected a family.
I only considered it because I'm still pissed off that my ex will have no consequences to face for her actions...or any consequences will pale in comparison to what I've had to endure...it doesnt really have anything to do with my ex wanting me back. As I said I was hoping that by telling his mother and anyone else who might not know about the relationship...it would kill a lot of the excitement my ex (and him maybe) seems to be getting out of it by sneaking around like a giddy teenager in love.
I'm not a big fan of "the best revenge is living well"...I think if someone wrongs you there should be consequences. Maybe its just me but getting your bills paid and having a care-free life with a whirlwind romance to boot after breaking up your family doesnt seem to be consequences...more like rewards.
No consequences for my ex also sets a bad example for D3. As I paraphrased elsewhere, parental infidelity significantly affects a child’s outlook on life: they learn that telling lies is right if it spares punishment, deceit is acceptable if it spares the faithful person pain, self-gratification is more important than hurting loved ones, and insensitivity to others hurt is ok. Once the unfaithful spouse abandons home and family for the newfound love, they prove by example that selfishness is right.
And its not right. It's no different than letting a murderer or a rapist go free.
What you're talking about isn't consequences...it's revenge plain and simple.
You can't even compare a mother with a betrayed spouse. For one thing, the mother will always stick by her child. Second, she has nothing to do with her son's R.
You're totally acting like more of a child than your D. You were hurt and betrayed. GET OVER IT.
We all were. If you spent half the effort getting help for yourself and your D that you've been spending on revenge fantasies against your W, you would've been in a lot happier place.
You know what? Never mind what I said. I think you're going to keep on scheming until you actually go ahead and do something rash.
So go ahead and talk to the mother, then call the IRS anonymously about your W's under the table payments. Then strap a tape recorder under your clothes and record the next interaction where she starts swearing about people.
You don't plan to listen to anyone anyway. Personally I'd like to see how it turns out.
nws
Listen- you are effing up just like I did...you cannot actr out of emotion- thats what WAS is doing...I have gambled away a shirt ton of money to feel better and it didn't work...I have one one occassion said some truthful but hurtful things to W and that didn't help, I have approached MIL about the A's and that didnt help...
The point is you and I have stood in our own way...time to get out of the way and just be...be the best dad you can be...know that WAS is doing what she's doing- regardless of whether you want her too or not, and especially b/c you dont want her to!!!
If W knew about my gambling this way the last few months- she'd feel even more justified in my not being a sound husband- and I would have no way to argue otherwise.
You're in the same boat- to the WAS WE are the problem, get rid of the problem and MAYBE she'll think of you differently.
I feel SO much better not communicating w/ W- am I happy she's bangin another guy- NO WAY- He better hope I NEVER MEET HIM- I have had dreams of tearing him apart.
It's not a matter of the best reveng being a good life- its not about revenge...it's about looking at our part in things and f*&king growing UP- being better, stronger, more understanding, compassionate, responsible, ATTENTIVE...that's it!
Get out of your own way, be a GREAT dad, and forget your W---then see what happens, I guarantee you that you'll be in a better place.
For one thing, the mother will always stick by her child. Second, she has nothing to do with her son's R.
the second thing you're certainly right about. However, not all parents stick by their kids when they sincerely feel their kid is doing something wrong.
Case in point is my ex's mom. This whole thing has brought her and I closer and her and my ex further apart because when my ex first left, rather than be like my ex's father and say "ok EX whatever you want", she told her she was doing the wrong thing and that she was a terrible mother for doing this to D3.
This is why my ex did not go to live with her mother over her father...because her mother puts her foot down and tells it like it is, while her father lets her get away with whatever she wants so long as she enables him and does for him. And that is not just my observation, that came from my ex's mother.
So, to much relief, not everyone blindly follows the "blood is thicker than water" philosophy.
Now, that having been said...I'm going to go by the 24-48 hour rule thats been passed around here...and see if I still feel the same way about this in two days. I mean...if I did call her, and then realize it was wrong, I cant un-call her...and the the consequences for me could be severe, or not.
In addition to asking about it here, I called my mom and asked her advice. She brought up the question of what if this woman is sick or so frail that something like this could give her a heart attack. While I think thats a little extreme to think that...I guess its possible. She's in her late 60's at the very least. Of course if that did happen, while it would directly be my fault, indirectly I wouldnt even know of the woman or her son if it wasnt for my ex. Not that that makes it right....
[
I'm not a big fan of "the best revenge is living well"...I think if someone wrongs you there should be consequences.
There are consequences to what your ex is doing.
But you're not the person who's going to dish them out.
Got it?
Also, the fact that you're comparing the breakup of your relationship to rape or murder is INSANE.
Not at all, at least, that those two crimes broke the law. You don't have any legal connections to your ex, the woman you did not make your LEGAL wife.
Judy Judy wouldn't even let you on her show.
I have one one occassion said some truthful but hurtful things to W and that didn't help,
yeah I did that...only gave her more excuses to not get back together with me...as in "after you called me 'this' and said I cheated on you and did 'that' and 'blah blah blah' you think I can just forget everything and have everything be fine and dandy and go back to the way it was?'".
I feel SO much better not communicating w/ W- am I happy she's bangin another guy- NO WAY- He better hope I NEVER MEET HIM- I have had dreams of tearing him apart.
yeah...this is what worries me. I still have never seen him...and on here or over the phone can say I wouldnt want to fight him and such...but depending on how my ex's L builds a case for the custody suit...he may be there to testify. So I'm not sure if I will be able to contain myself when I actually do see him, knowing that he's done stuff with my ex.
I know in my head that if I were to lose control and attack him...in a place like that woith witnesses and such...my ex will get full or even sole custody right on the spot. But such reactions arent governed by logic...they're much more primitive/primal in nature...the fight or flight response. So as I said...I'm worried.
However...I know where he lives...and so if I
really wanted to do anything to him I could go over at any time to do so. I know it would be wrong...and so I choose not to do so. So maybe I
would be able to contain myself. who knows.
"But such reactions arent governed by logic...they're much more primitive/primal in nature...the fight or flight response."
You know it actually sounds like you're building an insanity excuse for yourself. You're not a frickin' caveman or an animal. You have control over what you do or don't do.
knittedscarf is right. Are you seriously comparing your W's cheating to a rapist or a murderer? You got dumped. Get over it.
Stop pretending that it's all for morality's sake you're doing this. It's not like she's Saddam Hussein. She's a woman who didn't want to be with you any more and if you were like this when you were with her, it's not hard to see why she might have wanted out.
Bring up what you plan to do to your IC and see what he says.
There are consequences to what your ex is doing.
But you're not the person who's going to dish them out.
Got it?
I'm fine with not dishing them out...I just wanna know there
are some....that life isnt so crappy that the balance between right and wrong, fair and unfair, can be so off.
Not at all, at least, that those two crimes broke the law. You don't have any legal connections to your ex, the woman you did not make your LEGAL wife.
yeah my mom said the same thing. I told her that a piece of paper and a church ceremony doesnt make what she did any less wrong. this is akin to one of those "technicalities" I referred to a few pages back.
and...at one time, and even now in some states, what she and OM did/are doing broke the law. google "heartbalm statutes"...things like "breach of promise" and "alienation of affection".
By the way...for those few folks here lucky enough to live in a state where those laws are still on the books (not mine...of course), if nothing else, I say get a L to pursue those avenues to help soothe your emotional wounds. In those states, you can sue your WAS and the OP. It wont bring your WAS back...but it might help you start a better life without them.
What the heck are you doing dispensing advice like that? It's one thing to have your own warped sense of retribution, but you shouldn't be telling others to do the same.
In the end what does is it doing your D any good? It's only to satisfy your own thirst for revenge. Like I said, go ahead and do it. Don't just talk about it. See where that gets you. And you honestly was looking at full custody of your D? Right now your W sounds like the sane one.
I think the thing is you have to realize you have a problem with you. Do you have any friends to vent to? You really do need someone and I'm not talking about another W.
By the way...for those few folks here lucky enough to live in a state where those laws are still on the books (not mine...of course), if nothing else, I say get a L to pursue those avenues to help soothe your emotional wounds. In those states, you can sue your WAS and the OP. It wont bring your WAS back...but it might help you start a better life without them.
For your information I do live in one of those states where the laws are still on the books. Actually, it is the ONLY state in the US where the those laws are still in place and I can assure you what you are saying is such bullshit it's not even funny.
If you think initiating or creating a counter suit against your spouse (keep in mind you don't actually have a spouse) in the name of infidelity (a crime in my state), emotional abuse, theft and anything else allowable by law offers ANY bright spot you are insane.
You have NO F'ING idea the emotional toll it takes to maneuver through a legal system that does have these laws. Don't spout out such crap. If you think *that* will help you soothe emotional wounds then you need more help than any of us or a C can give you.
Being trapped in a court system for an average of 12-24 months and spending on the average of 10-15K per spouse is hardly soothing and hardly a way to start a better life.
You know, I think this sometimes but I will say it now... you are stupid. I don't care who thinks I am rude. Deal with it. All you care about is revenge and that is your sad issue to own. Until you have walked a mile in the shoes of the thousands of people in this state who have lived in HELL due to the laws that you wish your state had, then shut your mouth. And to have the balls to say it will soothe wounds. You are out there, my man.
My advice may NEVER be good. If anybody new is reading this avoid listening to this BS. The way you soothe yourself is by learning healthy tools to do so. The way you start over is by obtaining healthy tools to do so. Don't listen to this person. He is too consumed by revenge, control and rage to even make a lick of sense.
If this gets me banned, well, that is fine with me. Nobody should be allowed to post such asinine "advice".
Being trapped in a court system for an average of 12-24 months and spending on the average of 10-15K per spouse is hardly soothing and hardly a way to start a better life.
.....
He is too consumed by revenge, control and rage to even make a lick of sense.
That
may be a fair assessment. And I dont think anything you said was worth being banned over...but thats just me.
And as far as spending money and being tied up in a court system for months and spending lots of $$$...for the person who's being sued it may indeed not be a picnic. But for the person who's seeking retribution for being wronged...no amount of money or length of time is likely to matter.
In my case, if I dont get to keep the same custody situation I have now, which is likely, I have the right to appeal...probably more than once. And I fully intend to do so.
And thanks to the co-parenting seminar, I also learned that if issues between co-parents (things one parent does wrong/improper with the child that the other parent takes issue with) are presented too many times before a judge, the judge will eventually forcibly order co-parenting counseling. I have no doubt that my ex will do the same bang up job she's been doing up til now...so I fully intend to present such issues to a judge as much as it takes.
I dont know how my ex thought all this would go down when she did all this...but if she thought I would just roll over and let her go off into the sunset with OM and D3...she has another thing coming. People need to learn that leaving a relationship and breaking up their family just because they're not happy doesnt get rewarded.
Unbelievable. The whole sitch through all the threads (is this the 3rd one?) is beyond words. Nsw can be a poster boy for justifying WAS logic if there ever was one.
It's not about saving the R or being good co-parents or whatever. Nsw, get help for your sanity.
To be blunt, from what I have seen of YOUR behaviour, the sitch looks like this:
Your EX, with all her flaws and being only too human, saw through the immature, vindictive, small minded person she was living her life with and had a child with. She found a better life with a better man who just happened to be older. Larger age differences have existed before in perfectly fine relationships. Age difference alone does not make one a predator. Now she just wants to get on with what seems to be a better life, but she is constantly harassed, harangued, and bothered by an ex who just doesn't get it, just would not listen, behaves like a spoilt brat, and could hurt her and her family in his thirst for revenge.
Your logic is that whatever she thinks, you were happy together, you must now get back together and be happy, that whatever happiness she finds elsewhere must be false, and it makes you unhappy on top of it, that any other man she would be with is a bad person / predator / criminal, and she must see your point of view because that is the only valid point of view. And if you can't get your own way, then there is no fairness in the world, and she must be made to suffer. And if you can't explicitly see her suffering, you must start the process yourself in whatever way you can. Until and unless you are satisfied that she, and whoever she loves either sees that they are wrong and you are right, or they are suffering so much they cannot be happy.
And you will justify all these as "consequences" or for your D.
Not a nice picture is it? Are you going to do something about it? Please, seriously, get HELP.
If you think no amount of money or time will take a toll on you and your daughter then you really don't have a clue what you are talking about. Not a damn clue. Considering you don't have a job and have been on unemployment for 2 years I would say money should be a concern for you.
This is not about your daughter. This is about you getting back at your girlfriend for leaving you. Plain and simple.
If you think I pursued I did what I did legally to "get back at my H" you are nuts. I pursued what was available to me to recoup the tens of thousands of dollars he squandered in OUR assets DURING our marriage on his GF. Big f'ing difference.
All you want to do is point out what your ex does wrong but fail to see you are equally if not more guilty.
Until you have gone through the legal system don't even pretend to know what it's like. And don't suggest to anybody it is a way to soothe hurt feelings or start over.
Until you have gone through the legal system don't even pretend to know what it's like. And don't suggest to anybody it is a way to soothe hurt feelings or start over.
That is true...I havent been through it in the way you have...and with my state not allowing such suits I cant go through it ever.
However, as I said they are traditionally referred to as "heart balm" statutes. Your reasons for pursuing action apparently werent for soothing any emotional distress caused by your spouse/ex...but if they are referred to as such, it would stand to reason that a good portion of people (not all) who have pursued such actions over the years were doing so as retrubution.
That is true...I havent been through it in the way you have...and with my state not allowing such suits I cant go through it ever.
Exactly. Due to your location and state laws you will never have to go through it therefore you are painting an awfully romantic picture of how you *think* it will be. Did you feel good when you were served with papers totally unexpectedly informing you your EX was filing for full custody? You felt like garbage. Now multiple that by motion after motion for 1-2 years and tell me exactly how that can help soothe your heart? If you say it will then you have no heart.
However, as I said they are traditionally referred to as "heart balm" statutes. Your reasons for pursuing action apparently weren't for soothing any emotional distress caused by your spouse/ex...but if they are referred to as such, it would stand to reason that a good portion of people (not all) who have pursued such actions over the years were doing so as retrubution.
How exactly does retribution help soothe the heart? Justice and revenge are two very different things. Do you think a mother who had their child murdered feels better once the murderer is behind bars? They may feel justice has been served but do you think it somehow soothes their heart? No. What soothes one's heart is hard work, learning the tools to self soothe and a complete 180 on how you (generally speaking) look and deal with life. The real test is how one deals with life during the very worst of times. And I think we all can agree an unwanted divorce and custody battle certainly qualifies as one of the worst.
You are correct. Your ex may or may not EVER have any consequences. I struggled with the same thing and my exH for a very long time. And thus far he has had none aside from financial and that will only last a few years. And maybe he has consequences I don't know about now or ever will. You seem to think your ex was the one that broke up the family. And yes, her walking away did just that. HOWEVER there are very few people that wake up one day out of the blue and say "gee, I think I will leave my partner and child today because I can't think of anything else to do". Problems were brewing for a very, very long time and from what you describe the R the two of you had was very, very unhealthy. You have not taken any time to work on what you contributed to that unhealthy dynamic, instead you have focused on the end result of her leaving. And somehow you think some sort of punishment will bring it all back together OR give you a some sort of *something* to feel better.
I have news for you, the ONLY thing that can make you feel better is you. Certainly a counselor, family support and other mediums in life can encourage us but at the end of the day it has to be ALL YOU.
Initiating a counter suit against my husband and best friend of more than a decade was truly the hardest thing I have EVER had to do. Harder than making the decision to take my own father off life support. My hand was shaking so bad it took me nearly 20 minutes to sign the document, the walls were closing in around me and I could not breath or even see straight. I threw up in the parking lot of my attnys office. Don't think for a minute anybody who has made the choice to pursue further legal action does so lightly or to help their heart. It was by far one of the most traumatizing moments of my life that will be forever etched in my mind.
Look to yourself first. You have provided example after example of how you are unable to make yourself feel better. You said when your child was very young you were the one staying up all night caring for her while she cried but nobody was there for you. You are a man. You be there for you.
How exactly does retribution help soothe the heart? Justice and revenge are two very different things. Do you think a mother who had their child murdered feels better once the murderer is behind bars? They may feel justice has been served but do you think it somehow soothes their heart? No.
If the murderer is just put behind bars it wont likely do anything, but if the murderer is sentenced to death...or if the mother is the one to go after and execute the murderer, vigilante style, it could bring her some relief. It harkens back to the notion of "an eye for an eye". If you havent seen it, try watching the movie "A Time to Kill" sometime to give you a better idea of what I mean.
Look to yourself first. You have provided example after example of how you are unable to make yourself feel better. You said when your child was very young you were the one staying up all night caring for her while she cried but nobody was there for you. You are a man. You be there for you.
I dunno...to me that sounds a bit sexist...or a double standard at least. Because I'm a man I have to be strong...I'm not allowed to need support or be vunerable? Not all men spend their days drinking beer, watching football, and scratching themselves.
I'm a human being...with all the emotions, flaws, shortcomings, etc that any human being can have. To me all this being a strong man stuff is a bunch of baloney...my gender shouldnt define how I'm allowed to feel, react, or need...and it certainly shouldnt be held against me if I choose not to be the typical "dont show your feelings and dont talk about your emotions" male.
You are a MAN as in you are a GROWN UP. It has nothing to do with gender. Not one thing. It has to do with being able to function as an adult.
If you are a woman I would have said be a WOMAN as in be a GROWN UP.
Nobody told you not to express your feelings. You should however really *want* to find out why your feelings are so filled with hate and vengeance.
This is not the first time you said that all men do is scratch themselves and watch football. Nobody said they did. Most men don't stay on unemployment for 2 years and play the role of full time dad while their partner works for pay under the table. Right? Stop turning this into a gender or stereo type deal. All of any of us are trying to help you with is to see why your feelings are so hateful and why you are not doing anything to change that. Each post you sound more and more out there and as you can see everybody else seems to have given up or decided to sit back and watch the show.
I am very away what an "eye for an eye" means. I am also aware it does nothing to heal or help you grow. As I said, you pull these crazy and romanticized ideas out of the air and somehow they make it all okay.
You really should stop comparing you getting dumped to a murder victim. You can't compare the two at all.
Just to be clear. So your life plan is to continue to collect unemployment, while getting spousal support from someone you're not married to and whom you plan to turn in to the authorities for tax evasion while taking care of your 3-year old daughter.
Sounds good to me.
If the murderer is just put behind bars it wont likely do anything, but if the murderer is sentenced to death...or if the mother is the one to go after and execute the murderer, vigilante style, it could bring her some relief. It harkens back to the notion of "an eye for an eye". If you havent seen it, try watching the movie "A Time to Kill" sometime to give you a better idea of what I mean.
This is the second or third time you've brought up comparing your relationship to the death of someone by murder. Have you ever had a friend who was killed by murder?
I have. And you know what. There is no type of retribution that will ever bring a true sense of peace to those who have lost their friend or family member. You are getting your information, from where, a John Grisham novel. Really? I mean, really? By that logic, Tom Cruise is a pretty good lawyer and lawyers in the South look like Matthew McConathy...that is, when he and Tom Cruise aren't hamming it up in Tropic Thunder. And that person you said that was satisfied with vigilante justice, Samuel Jackson...well, dude, I'm tired of these MF snakes on this MF thread.
When I read your post, it made my skin crawl in a way that I can't even explain. You clearly have NO idea what it's like to lose someone. Someone who LITERALLY can never come back to you because someone else has taken their life. Your ex left you; there's nothing stopping her from coming back, you know, because she's alive and well, and clearly in a better state of mind avoiding your madness.
Tell me what in the h-e-l-l do you think that retribution will satisfy? What wrong will it correct. None. Got it. None.
Listen to survivors who have been through true horrors, war, genocide, famine, disaster. In almost all of those cases, you will repeatedly hear about why forgiveness is the choice they make. Focusing on punishment corrodes your soul. Look at the research, look at stories of survivors from Auschwitzch to those bombed at Nagasaki.
Want something to do instead of look up archaic legal statues about emotional balm or whatever the f__k you call it. Google "Don't Kill in Our Names." It's stories of people who had family and friends murdered...the perpetrators were sent to the death penalty and it's their story about why they didn't want the state to kill that murdered.
You have NO RIGHT to speak for people that you know nothing about.
At first it seemed that it was a bad situation you were in, but now it seems that things make sense about why your ex ditched your mooching butt. You don't have a job, yet use your time to look up ancient laws that wouldn't help you at all. Instead of using that time to look for jobs, you might as well be learning how to become a wagon wheel maker.
Then you want to contact the OM's mom, an elderly lady who has nothing to do with you or your D, in the hopes that she'll take your wacko side?
And then comparing the loss of a relationship to a murder? Sad.
Just really sad.
KnittedScarf, thank you for your eloquent and often thought provoking posts both here and on other threads. I hope you don't lose your patience and stick around on the forum.
CG & MrB ... my respects as always.
nsw:
You seem to have lived a very protected, idealistic life for someone of your age. Murder is not something to be taken lightly or in jest. Until you have lost someone close in that manner (which I do not wish on anyone) you cannot even imagine what it is like.
I'd like you to read this and think very carefully about it:
"If you seek revenge, you might as well dig 2 graves" Lao-Tzu
Good luck.
Just to be fair I am the one that used the murder example in my most recent post. NOT to compare it to being left in a R but to point out there is a HUGE difference between justice and revenge.
Justice is when a criminal is served with the appropriate punishment for their actions. I can assure you that anybody who has lost a loved one to a crime doesn't have revenge on the brain.
At first it seemed that it was a bad situation you were in, but now it seems that things make sense about why your ex ditched your mooching butt. You don't have a job, yet use your time to look up ancient laws that wouldn't help you at all. Instead of using that time to look for jobs, you might as well be learning how to become a wagon wheel maker.
I've been told I shouldnt explain myself...but that hit a nerve that harkens back to my ex trying to rewrite our R history calling me lazy and whatnot.
In the almost two years I've been unemployed...I've had to get my ex to pay the bills a grand total of zero times. Because it's based on the percentage of your previous position, I made enough money on unemployment to pay the mortgage, the gas bill, the electric bill, the water bill, the phone bill, and any and all household repairs/upkeep every month without missing a payment. She paid for the food, garbage collection (quarterly), and general household necessities like toilet paper or hand soap. That's it.
In addition, I'm looking online for jobs every day and sending out resumes as often as position come along in my area. I could have gotten a McJob like my ex wanted me to...making less than half of what my unemployment is providing, causing us to struggle to pay the bills and forcing my ex to truely assume half the bills.
It pisses me off to no end to hear her or anyone else call me lazy or say I was mooching off her, when my income (on unemplyment no less) was much more than what she is making even with her under the table pay. I'm sick of her rewriting our R history making it sound like she had to go without because of me...when I never bought one damn extravagant thing...and yet she who makes $9/hour bought $40 to $50 a week in lottery tickets, spent over $100 every couple of weeks to get her hair and nails done, bought tickets to every kind of raffle and charity event anyone came around selling, bought a new designer purse or two every couple of months(
real Coach,
real Louis Vitton), bought a new pair of shoes every two or three months instead of just keeping the ones she had clean (in fact...this past week she bought a new pair of shoes because the ones she was wearing, which werent that old to begin with, "smelled"...instead of washing them she tossed them and bought a new pair at $70).
This is the kind of crap she pulled day in and day out...and then has the gaul to say I'm lazy and she spent
all her money on me while I layed around at home doing nothing. And that "nothing" to her included taking care of D3 morning/noon/night, cooking meals for all of us, washing and ironing her clothes, cleaning the house, running her errands when she didnt get to, scheduling appointments for her, and anything else I forgot to mention.
Sorry...but I refuse to allow myself to be painted as lazy or a mooch...especially since my ex likes to throw that around so much.
Well since essentially all of us are paying for your bills, what did you do during the day for two years?
I mean if your GF came home and saw you playing video games or watching tv on the couch all day, I can see why she might think of you as a mooch.
Heck, right now I don't think I like the idea of we the taxpayers giving you so much money that you can afford to live scott free.
Just my 2 cents.
Well since essentially all of us are paying for your bills, what did you do during the day for two years?
I mean if your GF came home and saw you playing video games or watching tv on the couch all day, I can see why she might think of you as a mooch.
As I said, aside from taking care of D3 and the house, I spend my time searching for jobs, making phone calls or emailing my resume to places
locally.
I could have found a job within a month of being laid off if I could have looked outside the area...but I was told to get a job elsewhere would mean I would go on my own without my ex or D3. Nice how supportive she was, right?
And what was I supposed to do...keep checking the job boards every 5 minutes from the time I woke up til I went to bed to see if a new one was posted...or continue cleaning until after she got home at 1 or 2 in the morning?
And while I took care of D3 and the house, she slept almost half the day...literally. Over 11 hours of sleep....then got up and played with D3 for a few mins and went off to work.
The sad thing was, even when I worked I still did most of this. Back then she would sleep til 10 or 11 and let D3 (then D1) lay in her crib awake until my ex felt like getting out of bed. Then she'd take (D1) and go have lunch with her dad or run to the mall...and I'd come home, get cleaned up and start working on dinner. She'd leave to go to work and I'd do laundry etc.
So yeah...I was a huge mooch.
And I wouldnt say I'm living scot free...I dont have to worry about where my and D3's next meal comes from...but I'm not living a luxurious life. I manage my money well and plan for the future. My car is 11 years old, my computer is 9 years old, and I dont even have cable TV...or high speed internet (which is a crime nowadays apparently). I share a dial up service with my family (which they let me use).
Well, then it seems like a reasonable question to ask why you allowed this behavior from your EX for so long if it was so appalling to you. If her sleeping all day, not chipping in with the household duties, spending more than she made, not taking care of her child and so on was so unacceptable to you why didn't you do anything to change it?
It seems to me you were okay while it was happening but now that she is gone you want to use it against her. You chose not to take a better paying job out of the area. Fine. I get that you did not want to leave your family behind and you were trying to honor what your W wanted. If that was the case why didn't you request she begin to bring in more money?
See what I am saying? If ALL of these line items were so bad while they were happening and you saw no signs of improvement why didn't you do anything to try and change the living situation for the better? And if you did try and change it and nothing improved why did you continue to tolerate it when you clearly find it intolerable now?
To be realistic you can't even answer these questions to a bunch of strangers yet you are all hell bent on going to a trial where you will not have the option of skirting these types of questions.
Two years is a long time to be on unemployment and no matter how well you manage your money that most probably will be taken in consideration. If you cannot find a job in your field you should consider (A) going back to school (B) changing fields (C) or taking a lower paying job in your current field. Unemployment can't last forever, right?
You can dish it out but when we try and reply with reasonable questions as to why you become awfully defensive and use bizarre comparisons.
I get that you were looking for jobs online, but what were you doing the rest of the day? I mean did you do housework or, I don't know, I'm not a stay-at-home parent, so I wouldn't know. But I'm assuming that if you upkept the home that you pretty much didn't have anything else to do but hang around.
And let's face it, you said you did all this when you worked too...that was 2 years ago. I do all that stuff too with no problems and I run 2 businesses. It just sounds like after whatever housework/job looking you did, you just hung around.
Man to man, that sounds like someone who is just unambitious.
It almost sounds like you don't want to get a D because you had it going pretty easy and then when this came along, you were hit with uncertainty and of course that's all wrong!
I think you've got too much idle time at home and since this started, you've used your time to create these revenge fantasies. Too much time on your hands. Do something productive.
what was I supposed to do...keep checking the job boards every 5 minutes from the time I woke up til I went to bed
yep
If her sleeping all day, not chipping in with the household duties, spending more than she made, not taking care of her child and so on was so unacceptable to you why didn't you do anything to change it?
...
If that was the case why didn't you request she begin to bring in more money?
See what I am saying? If ALL of these line items were so bad while they were happening and you saw no signs of improvement why didn't you do anything to try and change the living situation for the better? And if you did try and change it and nothing improved why did you continue to tolerate it when you clearly find it intolerable now?
She worked, and still works, 6 of 7 days per week. So I dont think there was any way for her to make more money without picking up another job...and to even suggest such a thing when I was unemployed would send her into a rage.
As far as why I didnt do anything to try and imporve her behavior or put my food down and not tolerate it...I did. I tried many times but the response I always got from her was "maybe its time i find a new place for me and our daughter".
To this day such an attitude pisses me off. i mean how the hell was I supposed to respond to that? My choices were to let her do whatever she pleased...or face her leaving with our daughter...and this started back when D3 wasnt even D1 yet...back when I would try to get her to come home instead of going out after work to help take care of our D when she would wake up every few hours in the night.
The day in Nov when she told me we were over...it was because of a fight we had that morning where I wanted her to save her vacation to spend with family at thanksgiving and she wanted to go out to see the Rockettes.
When all this first went down...and I was still hung up on my ex...my mom reminded me of all the times when I would call her because my ex went out and I was home alone taking care of the baby and I would say to her "I dont know how much longer I can take this."
And when my unemployment does run out I do plan on getting a job anywhere. But to just take any job now that pays less than my unemployment does so that I can say I have a job is doing a disservice to myself and D3. instead of making ends meet without worry, it could turn into struggling to make ends meet.
And to MB I was hanging around a lot...thats one thing my ex took umbridge with. On top of it angering her that I brought in more on unemployment than she did working 6/7 days per week, it angered her that I was at home all the time. She couldnt run around town with D3 or without feeling guilty for not taking me along like she did when I worked and like she does now.
So basically you used your first ex as an emotional sounding and venting board while still being "hung up on her" and wondered why you were unable to change anything with your current ex?
Again, you like to blame your ex an awful lot but bits and pieces about what you were doing come out and things make more sense.
My point about the unemployment was if you can't find a job now what makes you think you will find one once your unemployment runs out? Again, a perfectly reasonable question that most probably will be brought up during the custody talks.
If your ex constantly threatened you with leaving then clearly she was unhappy for a very long time. What solutions did you present to her instead of just asking her NOT to do something?
It sounds to me as if you were fine living in such a R because you didn't want to be alone. Because adults don't fly into rages and the other partner continue to tolerate it when there are other options.
It sounds like you didn't want to do the work then and you don't want to do it now. If she didn't want to do the work then, well, her choice and you would have had some decisions to make.
To answer your question when your partner flies in to a rage and makes threats when you express the desire to better the life of the family you either (A) request counseling with the partner (B) work to change things on your own (C) end the R or (D) choose to live in a state of unhappiness. And if you were constantly turning to your exGF #1 then you were in fact very unhappy.
"She worked, and still works, 6 of 7 days per week. So I dont think there was any way for her to make more money without picking up another job...and to even suggest such a thing when I was unemployed would send her into a rage."
Duh! She worked almost every day while you basically just hung around the house. She had a right to be pissed.
"To this day such an attitude pisses me off. i mean how the hell was I supposed to respond to that?"
You could have asked her what she thought and felt rather than demanding that she stay home with you and your D. If you would have made things more comfortable for her and shared in the burden of working she wouldn't have had an issue with coming home to you. Nobody wants to come home to a nag.
"The day in Nov when she told me we were over...it was because of a fight we had that morning where I wanted her to save her vacation to spend with family at thanksgiving and she wanted to go out to see the Rockettes."
Again understandable. She worked all the time and wanted a little time for herself. But you didn't and still don't get that.
"And when my unemployment does run out I do plan on getting a job anywhere. But to just take any job now that pays less than my unemployment does so that I can say I have a job is doing a disservice to myself and D3. instead of making ends meet without worry, it could turn into struggling to make ends meet."
So I'm assuming the unemployment is enough to cover things like health insurance too if your D gets sick? Or a 401K to save a little on the side for her education?
How long does this unemployment go for anyway? Shoot if I could sit at home all day and have enough money for food and essentials, I'd go on unemployment too! Pay for no work. Sounds good to me.
And to MB I was hanging around a lot...thats one thing my ex took umbridge with."
Again, no duh! You gave off and still give off the impression of an entitled, spoiled grown man who lounges around. Let me give you a little secret. Men do things. Things that show our partners that we can take care of their needs physically and emotionally. When a woman sees you as a lazy bum who nags you when you come home from work, then she's lost all attraction for you.
"On top of it angering her that I brought in more on unemployment than she did working 6/7 days per week, it angered her that I was at home all the time. She couldnt run around town with D3 or without feeling guilty for not taking me along like she did when I worked and like she does now."
I have a feeling that you made her feel guilty. More than likely you gave her a guilt trip about how long you've been sitting at home and now would like to do something with her. Not attractive. Nobody wants to come home to a needy, unambitious house husband.
Right there you showed how she loves her D because she wanted to take her out alone, but you had to interject yourself in there. She wants private time with her D but she can't because she works. She sees you as having all the time with her when she should (as her mom). Start growing up by understanding things like that.
So basically you used your first ex as an emotional sounding and venting board while still being "hung up on her" and wondered why you were unable to change anything with your current ex?
Again, you like to blame your ex an awful lot but bits and pieces about what you were doing come out and things make more sense.
My point about the unemployment was if you can't find a job now what makes you think you will find one once your unemployment runs out? Again, a perfectly reasonable question that most probably will be brought up during the custody talks.
If your ex constantly threatened you with leaving then clearly she was unhappy for a very long time. What solutions did you present to her instead of just asking her NOT to do something?
My current ex is the only ex I've been referring to in my posts. Not sure if you thought I was referring to different people or not.
And she may have been unhappy for a long time...I didnt really see it as being unhappy. She never once sat down with me in a calm and reasonable fashion said she was unhappy and she wanted to work on things. Any time she said anything it was done by screaming and pouting...essentially throwing a tantrum because she wasnt getting her way. I wanted her to stay home with her family instead of going to the bars...and it wasnt even all the time that I wanted that. I know some people have to go out and drink to relax...but once or twice a month isnt unreasonable instead of going off and having her fun while I sat at home with the baby.
As far as the unemployment goes...there may indeed not be a job once it runs out. But like I said I'm not going to go to McDonalds and work just so I can say I'm not on unemployment when it will end up causing me to not be able to make ends meet.
It sounds to me as if you were fine living in such a R because you didn't want to be alone. Because adults don't fly into rages and the other partner continue to tolerate it when there are other options.
It sounds like you didn't want to do the work then and you don't want to do it now. If she didn't want to do the work then, well, her choice and you would have had some decisions to make.
To answer your question when your partner flies in to a rage and makes threats when you express the desire to better the life of the family you either (A) request counseling with the partner (B) work to change things on your own (C) end the R or (D) choose to live in a state of unhappiness. And if you were constantly turning to your exGF #1 then you were in fact very unhappy.
As far as solutions I offered, we got into counseling briefly but she went kicking and screaming and to this day calls counselors "whackjobs"...even saying "I'm not going to go to another whackjob" when I suggested counseling in the past few months. We stoppped going because I lost my insurance and even with insurance the copays were outrageous. Had I known then what I know now I would have likely kept paying even if it did drain me of my funds.
I could have just gotten out of the house every day as if I were going to work...but I mean what the hell is wrong with that picture? I'm forced to leave my own house every day, wasting gas money and so forth, even though I have no where to go just so she can gallavant around town with D3 and because she cant deal with her own issues of jealousy and anger?
With the way she acted and reacted...she essentially reduced me to a sperm donor and babysitter.
Despite that, I would not have ended the relationship...not until D3 was much much older at least. I'm not the kind of person to just give up when times get tough. I wasnt going to end the relaitonship then because I knew what the consequences to D3 would have been and I was not going to do that to her. I tolerated it because I hoped that one day she would change...that she would go to a psychiatrist like she said she would when she got health insurance...but I think that was just talk. I mean if she considered counselors whackjobs, no telling what she thinks about psychiatrists.
And again...I think theres a misunderstanding...I wasnt turning to anyone else due to any issues in my R with my ex. That would be an emotional affair of sorts and I wouldnt do that to anyone I care about either.
Duh! She worked almost every day while you basically just hung around the house. She had a right to be pissed.
She has a right to be pissed at me...because I am unemployed? I sure as hell didnt choose to be unemployed...had therenot been a reduction in force I would still be working at my job now.
You could have asked her what she thought and felt rather than demanding that she stay home with you and your D. If you would have made things more comfortable for her and shared in the burden of working she wouldn't have had an issue with coming home to you. Nobody wants to come home to a nag.
She doesnt like to talk...it always ends up with her having me give in or else. And very few people like to live with someone who goes out all the time.
Again understandable. She worked all the time and wanted a little time for herself. But you didn't and still don't get that.
No...if she wanted to spend her vacation doing whatever...thats fine...but its not an issue worth breaking up ones family over. Of course I guess all the nights she spent at the bar, or over at her friends house starting to cozy up to the OM, D3 and I were sitting there with her and she had not time to herself. I mean it isnt as if she spent every waking minute with either of us.
So I'm assuming the unemployment is enough to cover things like health insurance too if your D gets sick? Or a 401K to save a little on the side for her education?
Actually in our state childrens health insurance is covered by the state. And I still have a savings account for her college that I've made deposits into now and again.
And no...her doing things with D3 (or D1 as she was back then) wasnt for D3...she stook her places but not in the vein of spending quality time with her. Our daughter was like an accessory to her that she took places without regard to whether she needed to or should. Even now...she'll take D3 with her to the store...but instead of letting her ride in the cart as she shops, she drops her off at the kids center. If you're gonna do that, why even bring her?
"She has a right to be pissed at me...because I am unemployed? I sure as hell didnt choose to be unemployed...had therenot been a reduction in force I would still be working at my job now."
No it's a matter of perception. For one thing she wasn't pissed at you being unemployed. She saw you as a slacker just hanging around. It has nothing to do with money or work, it showed that you weren't doing anything and lacked any ambition to do something with your life. Ask any woman on here.
"She doesnt like to talk...it always ends up with her having me give in or else. And very few people like to live with someone who goes out all the time."
She didn't need to talk. It's pretty obvious. You needed to be a little more understanding. And besides, she wasn't going out all the time. It's just that you were home all the time, so when she wanted some time alone you bugged her about it. I can guarantee you that if you would have let her had a little bit of time alone and just told her something like "you need the day off. I'll take our D so you can do something for yourself." you wouldn't be here.
"No...if she wanted to spend her vacation doing whatever...thats fine...but its not an issue worth breaking up ones family over."
You're the one who made it an issue of breaking up the family. I bet you gave her a major guilt trip about it. Nobody likes living like that.
"Of course I guess all the nights she spent at the bar, or over at her friends house starting to cozy up to the OM, D3 and I were sitting there with her and she had not time to herself. I mean it isnt as if she spent every waking minute with either of us."
No but she didn't want to spend the time with you who would nag her, guilt her, etc. If you don't start realizing what YOU did wrong in the R, you're going to do the EXACT same things in your next R.
Start accepting responsibility for yourself and your own actions. Guilting her into going to C isn't going to work because that's what you've been doing during your whole R.
Start being a man and stand on your own rather than relying on your W or the State for your needs.
"And no...her doing things with D3 (or D1 as she was back then) wasnt for D3...she stook her places but not in the vein of spending quality time with her. Our daughter was like an accessory to her that she took places without regard to whether she needed to or should. Even now...she'll take D3 with her to the store...but instead of letting her ride in the cart as she shops, she drops her off at the kids center. If you're gonna do that, why even bring her?
That's her choice. And besides you don't know what they do by themselves anyway. If she took dropped her off at the kids center to play while she shopped, who cares? Maybe she just wanted to shop quicker.
And newsflash for you. Shopping with a toddler is NOT quality time. If you expect them to spend quality time while even shopping, you are confused.
At any rate, look where it's gotten you. Now she has your D half the time and you have NO control over what she does or who she does it with. Quite honestly, the more your story comes out, the more it shows why she did what she did. Start learning from that.
My apologies. I read your post like you were contacting another EX while in the R with your current EX based on the comment you shared that your mom made.
See, what it all boils down to is this. You CHOSE not to leave the R and tolerate all the things you didn't like. It doesn't matter if it was for your daughter or not. Bottom line that is what you chose to tolerate and live with. If your EX threatened to leave when she didn't get her way you would have had to arrange a custody schedule at that point. Not much different than where you are now, no?
You always say "most people" would not like this or that. Stop comparing what you *think* most people would or would not like.
IMO you sound like a homebody that is very comfortable in a reverse gender role. And there isn't a thing wrong with that. However your EX simply wasn't a woman that found that lifestyle attractive or fulfilling. Granted, she could have ended the R sans affair but either way it sounds like your lifestyles simply did not mesh. If she was unwilling to bend your way a bit and you were unwilling to bend her way a bit there is little left to do.
You chastised your EX for doing things that are fairly normal IMO. Maybe your EX feels your daughter enjoys the play area at the market. Maybe your EX felt your daughter spends so much time with adults (you never mention any friends or play dates for your daughter) that it would be good for her to socialize with other children while she shops. Nope, you go right to the negative.
I can't make judgements about what kind of mother your EX is. It does sound like she could improve but who doesn't have room to improve. IMO your EX is simply not the kind of mother you want her to be.
You have an excuse for everything. Nobody wants to hear that you can't make ends meet and nobody suggested you go work at a fast food joint. But all the days you spend at the house could be used in a more productive fashion once the chores and errands are done. Why not volunteer? Why not take an internship to network? Certainly there are events in your city for networking opportunities. None of those things would jeopardize your unemployment and perhaps might open up more doors for you than an online job search can.
There are many men on this forum who handle the majority of the childcare duties and still appear to be social and active. Why not spend some time studying their threads and see how you can implement some of that in your life?
It seems each time someobody points out something about you, you ignore it then continue to share why it is all your EX's fault.
What would be the point in staying in a R for 10-15 years until your daughter grows up if you are unhappy. What sort of example does that set? A terrible one IMO.
If she was unwilling to bend your way a bit and you were unwilling to bend her way a bit there is little left to do.
I was willing to bend her way once I realized it meant the difference between having an in-tact family or not, however that was only after she left. And despite her acknowledging my willingness to do so, I got the too little too late speech. Sure had I done it during the R things wouldnt likely be where theyre at...but I had and still have my values on living life and raising children, and to me going out and drinking after work every night when you have a small child at home is no way to parent or support your partner.
To me it was never about my bending anyway...it was about her doing whatever she wants with no responsibilities or consequences, including leaving to be with OM...otherwise when I finally was willing to do whatever to make her happy and keep our family together she would have said "ok" and came home.
What would be the point in staying in a R for 10-15 years until your daughter grows up if you are unhappy. What sort of example does that set? A terrible one IMO.
Aside from the fact that children whose parents are together but in some conflict grow up happier and heatlhier than children whose paretns ssplit up, that line of thinking assumes it would always be unhappy. Thats the kind of thinking that my ex did or is doing as well...she assumes that staying meant she forever had to be unhappy...that nothing would change...and instead of trying to fix any problems she bailed. I think had we gotten back into couples counseling instead of her just throwing her hands up in the air and saying "I give up"...we would have likely worked through our issues and came out with a stronger and happier R.
I was willing to do that, as I said, even during the R. But that requires some work...and rather than do work on the relationship, it's easier to just move on with someone else apparently.
And I've considered going to volunteer at the local food bank to take up some of my free time.
Oh and MB...it
was about being unemployed with her. She wanted me to go flip burgers just to get out of the house. "Get out and get a job at McDonalds".
"She wanted me to go flip burgers just to get out of the house."
Again. She wanted you out of the house. She didn't mean it literally for you to find "any" job. I don't see why everyone else can see this but you.
"I was willing to bend her way once I realized it meant the difference between having an in-tact family or not, however that was only after she left."
Ah but you weren't willing to bend before. Shows how much you need to change.
So regardless of all this are you still planning to file and get spousal support and full custody?
Somehow I don't think the judge is going to take too kindly to a person (male or female) who is just hanging out collecting unemployment to get spousal support on top of that.
So regardless of all this are you still planning to file and get spousal support and full custody?
Well it wouldnt be spousal support just child support and even that I think I would be ok without...my ex hasnt given me a dime so far to support D3 despite my having defacto primary custody and I'm ok. I mean I wouldnt wanna deprive my ex of some lottery tickets or a few drinks by getting her to support our daughter.
And no...if I sought full custody...which is unlikely to ever be granted ever anyway...if I did that and somehow was awarded it, in my state, my ex would hardly see D3. I wouldnt punish D3 by keeping her from seeing her mom, even though my ex is trying to do it to me. Like I said, the way it is now, she gets to see both of us almost every day and gets to spend roughly equal waking hours with each of us while sleeping safely and securely in a smoke and alcohol free environment.
"I wouldnt punish D3 by keeping her from seeing her mom, even though my ex is trying to do it to me."
REALLY? Aren't you the one who told your ex to not come to your D's school to see her? Sounds pretty hypocritical to you.
So after you vigorously look for work online. What do you do at home? Really? Be honest? What have you been doing for 2 years?
So what's the latest? I hope you didn't do anything rash.
Nope nothing rash. Sorry, I've been away from here for a few days focusing on moving on and being happy. I've minimized contact with my ex, and have thrown myself back into being a great dad and that has contributed to a significant reduction in anger and increase in my overall happiness respectively.
Supposedly my ex is going to come by this weekend sometime and get all her stuff. I bagged/boxed it all up and its in the garage, so I just have to lift up the door and she can get it and be gone.
Theres an issue with this coming easter. In the past we've spent holidays on an every other year rotation between her family and mine. My ex had D3 at Christmas 2009 as per our tradition and this Easter is supposed to be mine...however my ex doesnt see it that way and thinks we should stick to our schedule.
My L says since its a holiday the courts treat it different than a regular Sunday and are likely to give it to me given our past tradition and her having D3 the whole day at Christmas. I just wish it didnt have to come to that. But the thing is most of the stuff to do on easter(egg hunts, brunches with the Easter bunny, etc) is during the time my ex would have D3 so the day is essentially shot as far as activites should she stick to our schedule.
So I dunno how that will pan out.
I got a snippy text from my ex this afternoon stating that her L would be contacting my L about Easter. I wish she wouldnt play this game so that the only way to fix it is to get a judge involved. I mean what's fair is fair...she got her on Christmas and Easter is my holiday.
And after trying to plan my weekend around her possibly coming over to get her stuff out of my garage, and her not showing up yesterday, I was informed this (Sunday) morning that she wasnt going to get her stuff her mom would slowly get it a little at a time. That kind of pissed me off...I mean I'm not running a storage facility.
I'm ready to move on but she seems intent on pulling the proverbial band-aid off as slowly and painfully as possible. I'm not angry like I was...but its just annoying how little consideration and courtesy some people can have...even when they have won and are getting what they claimed they wanted. It's one thing to be a sore loser...but a sore winner?
some good news...I got offered a job today (which I'm accepting).
I have to pass a physical and drug test, but I dont see any issues there so I will likely be starting early next week.
This is a great thing for me personally asw ell as for D3 and the custody situation.
Now the only issue is daycare for D3 during my normal time. For some reason I think my ex is gonna make a stink about it.