Well it looks like I was locked out after 33 pages...Glad I wrote down all the advice I wanted to keep
Hubby came back this afternoon to get something from me...
He asked some questions about me and the boys...
Told me he loved me once again...
Never got out of his work truck but leaned out for a hug and kiss...
Was showing me something on his work computer and I noticed another window on the bottom - Something about motels
I shouldn't care since we aren't even living together but I do...
I absolutely HATE that she is sharing in his life...That is my place damnit!
He should be home with me and our sons...Maybe someday
Well it looks like I was locked out after 33 pages...Glad I wrote down all the advice I wanted to keep
Hubby came back this afternoon to get something from me...
He asked some questions about me and the boys...
Told me he loved me once again...Serenity, the next time he does that, step back and look at him incredulously, as if he had two heads or something, and say "Really!" And then just shake your head and change the subject.
He needs to step up. Don't play into his ILYs.
Puppy
Good morning all...
Hopefully you all had a wonderful weekend...Mine was ok but long...I had a down day yesterday that even Church didn't fix...It kept piling on until I lost it with my boys and ended up yelling at them both and spanking my little one (I never spank unless it is really warrented)...
Then of course came the guilt and a mini pity party along with the anger that I am doing everything while hubby is doing God knows what...
It pisses me off that he thinks he has no responsibility whatsoever and I can't call him and tell him exactly what I think of him right now...
This to shall pass (I am hoping)
Puppy...You are always so spot on in your advice and I just wanted to thank you
Hunh? What did I say, lol??
Lol...The post above mine...I just read it and wanted to give my thanks...
He isn't stepping up right now and it breaks my heart but I am trying so very hard to just keep putting one foot in front of the other...
Some days are better then others...Some days I just want to scream at the top of my lungs WTF??? but I carry on with as much grace as I can muster up...
The emotions are still all over the map and I am hoping that will even out soon so I can see what my next step shall be
The emotions are still all over the map and I am hoping that will even out soon so I can see what my next step shall be
Are your meds not helping? Maybe you should talk to your doctor; a different prescription may be in order?
Puppy
Hi Puppy....
I actually saw her this past Thursday and she has doubled the strength for now so once they settle in I think that will help a lot...As with all things, I just need time and patience for it all to work...Answers are something else I could use but they aren't coming anytime soon it seems...I am starting to look for a place of my own which is a bit exciting - I have never lived on my own so it is a little fearful as well...All will be just fine...My faith tells me so
Attagirl.
Puppy...
I know how this is going to come from you but I didn't have access to my computer and it just came out...Please tell me it is fixable (I know I screwed up my DBing) and how to fix it...
I received a text from older son this afternoon...Hubby had texted him asking what's up kiddo?...Son wouldn't answer him no matter how much I begged him to just send a "I'm fine" response...Next thing I know son sends me another text - Hubby came to the house...Came in and tried to talk to son who went off to his room to avoid hubby - Never spoke a word to him...Hubby left, son texted me that hubby was in my room looking in the closet/drawers for a few minutes etc...(WHY?)...
So I called hubby...Asked him what was up (nicely) and he sounded so very sad and boom in I went...He told me he was living alone, He was "happy as happy can be" (What does that mean)...He doesn't know when he is coming home...He loved us etc...We chatted for a few...
Later on (this is what I am speaking of) I texted him (because I felt horrible about how sad he sounded - I know I shouldn't but I did) and let him know that nothing he has done was irreversible...Told him the boys and I loved him/missed him etc...He texted back he appreciated that and that he loved and missed us as well...Then (yes this did just come out of my phone to him) I told him that the door was always open whenever he decided to come back - Where in the hell did that come from? He replied back I love you...Crap...How can I fix this????
Please don't scream at me though...I know I screwed up
Serenity, I don't think there's anything wrong with telling him the door is always open.
He just needs to know that there are now going to be CONDITIONS placed upon his coming thru that door, based on his recent decisions and behavior.
And there's still time and opportunity for you to backfill that information. BUT LET HIM COME TO YOU -- STOP PURSUING HIM.
I don't think you should tell your son what to say and not to say to his father -- just let that play out. Don't ENcourage him nor DIScourage him, one way or another. He probably feels put in the middle.
Oh, and GET YOUR LOCKS CHANGED IMMEDIATELY. Your husband, by deserting you with no warning, has given up any rights to just come and go in that house as he pleases, and go through your things. Don't tell him you're doing this -- JUST DO IT.
Puppy
PDT is right. Protect and look after yourself first and foremost.
You can't control your H or your S, so make your place as safe and secure as possible for you.
Thank you Puppy and Stuck...
I was worried there for a minute...I can't believe I got sucked into the sadness...Easier when I don't talk to him or see him...If I talk to him again I will reiterate there are conditions and he already knows this I may add...I can't change the locks since it isn't my house but I will tell son to keep the door locked when he is there...Kinda creepy he was looking through my stuff though...
I am trying to not tell son what to say or not say however when he starts a conversation with his Dad by saying "Hey A*****E" I have a huge problem with that...I understand the anger, we all do...I don't however condone disrespect regardless of the circumstances especially from a child.
I will pull back on that though...Maybe hubby is feeling him out, not sure...He still hasn't contacted the little one though...
Back to going really dark now...Thanks again!!
You just keep yourself busy and you'll be fine.
Thank you Stuck....
I will say it is MUCH easer with him out of the house then when he was in the house...
Sad to say
I am trying to not tell son what to say or not say however when he starts a conversation with his Dad by saying "Hey A*****E" I have a huge problem with that...I understand the anger, we all do...I don't however condone disrespect regardless of the circumstances especially from a child.
I will pull back on that though...Maybe hubby is feeling him out, not sure...He still hasn't contacted the little one though...
I don't think telling your son not to speak that way is telling him what to say, I think it is enforcing a standard of behavior.
"Son, I understand you are probably angry with your dad right now, and I am sorry you are having to deal with these feelings. It is okay to express your anger to your father, but it is not okay to be disrespectful. Be honest, be truthful, but profanity is not the way to go about it or be heard."
You might help your son find those words...so, when he starts a convo with his dad that begins, "You A**hole," what does he really mean? What are those things that hurt? How is he hurting? Your son could learn now how to be truthful with his feelings while learning how to detach from the actions of others. "I'm angry because you walked out on me. I'm your son, and you left without a word. I feel worthless and I don't really want to talk to you right now."
Do you see? Help your son speak the truth in a way that honors his feelings. I wish I'd learned that as a child.
SD
Thank you SD...
I printed out a portion of what you said and let S know this was acceptable...(I didn't want him to see this website)...He knows cursing isn't acceptable regardless of how you are feeling at that time.
Hubby called this morning to talk to the little one...He told him that he would be home soon - Not sure how to process that right now...
All is good today...I did speak to hubby for a few but then stated I had to get to work...
He kept asking me how I was, how the boys were etc...All i said was it is all good...
Hope you all are having a great day!
Serenity,
You are doing good, honestly. Give yourself some credit, especially how you keep it together in front of your kids.
Thank you Wifey...From you that means a lot
And I meant it from the heart.
Hey Serenity ~
Just stopping in to see how you were doing.
After reading what you said about H being out of the house is somewhat better has got me thinking. I'm always wondering if it would be better for me since I wouldn't see his comings and goings all the time. I also wouldn't be answering the phone when skank called, because she wouldn't be calling here. Did you read my last post since I came home? She called my home phone, probably thinking I was still gone. Grrr.... Stupid me, I didn't think to look at the caller ID when I answered it. I never would have thought she would call here. I kept saying Hello, and there was silence on the other end. I finally thought to look at the ID, and it was her. Then I hung up! I was so pissed, I couldn't think straight.
Are we having fun yet? lol
MJ
Serenity,
Just popped in on the board before getting some well earned kip
Couldn't resist - maybe that should be another DB rule to our S -
resistance is futile Hugs all around and pleasant dreams to all of us.
Mac
Hi ML & Mac...
As always good to see the both of you
ML - It is easier however I miss him terribly of course...I did read your post and can't believe the nerve of her calling your house! Skank ass (sorry)!! Are we having fun yet? Ummm Let's go with yes because we deserve to have some fun :)Still ready for those drinks when you are anywhere near me or vice versa
Mac - Should I even ask what Kip is? Let's google it - I was wrong - Thought maybe it was a form of food...You went to take a nap
Sleep tight and sweet dreams my friend
(((Hugs))) to you both!
Yow you two - swearing and calling names - shame on you
And it's always nice to have such a warm welcome Serenity.
Serenity - you were thinking that Kip was food?
Maybe half a kipper?
Hehehehe
Keep well one and all.
Catch u later - back to work after dropping in at home to pat the pooch's and stroke the fish
Mac
Good Morning Mac...
I hope you had a wonderful sleep and your day is going along just grand
Yes I thought Kip was food lol...Now I know different...
I swear a lot...You would think I was raised in the Navy but I am working on that...
Nothing new to report here..
No word from hubby since he called yesterday to talk to the little one...
Caught a look at his facebook today and someone had asked him a question about visiting the town where FT (fat troll if you haven't been following along) lived...
He stated he was there about a month ago visiting a good friend of his...
I took joy in the fact that he called her a friend but it still stings...
I want nothing more then this journey to end...
I miss him
Ahhhhh, honey.
I'll let you into a little secret that makes my day fly by.
I actually can't wait to get home (something I used to dread) and have a look at the improvements that we all seem to be making.
Nothing new is a positive because it sure 'aint a negative.
FT - love it!
There is an end to every journey. It's the twists and turns that we choose to take that make it "interesting".
I miss mine to honey. Hang in there.
W's best friend will be here in a minute. I'll fill you in later.
Mac
Puppy...Needing some help...
Well just got off the phone with hubby...
Checked our joint account (he doesn't know I have a seperate one) and he was charging money at a hotel...Asked him why are there charges for a hotel if you have your own apartment - He stated that they were working on his apartment - I don't buy that for 1 second...
And since I am tired of being lied to, I kinda went off...
Let him know I do in fact know the FT is in the same town, I know that he bailed the day she moved here, I know that he told her we were seperated and not living together, I know he has been lying to me for months etc...
He had the nerve to get mad at me...Asked me where I got my information (didn't tell him)...I asked him how long he signed a lease for (7 months)...When he was ever planning on seeing his kids (don't know)...
Then I stated I haven't asked him for crap this whole time...No money, no time nothing...
I have stood by and supported him while he dragged my name and our marriage through the mud - He said he appreciated it - WTF does that mean?
He said in time we would see what happens...
So I am now believing I am the fall back - Just in case it doesn't work out with her...How in the hell is that fair and do I want to be the fall back?
My Pastor told me I should never be 2nd...Maybe he is right...I don't know what to do anymore
What do I do?
You do nothing. Back off again, and leave him be, and live your life as if he's NOT coming back to you, and like you're NOT going to be his "2nd choice."
It's good that you confronted him, and VERY good that you didn't tell him how you knew. Don't ever tell him that. Document the spending (a family court judge isn't going to look kindly on his spending family assets on a "love nest" for him and his girlfriend), and go about your day.
Easier said than done, emotionally, I realize, but that IS my advice to you. He will contact YOU very soon -- probably in a panic (unless he's even more delusional than I think he is). Unless it's about your sons, just ignore him.
Puppy
As always thank you for coming...I really didn't mean to go off but he has lied so much that I don't know what to believe anymore...
He says he is happy and having fun...Yet doesn't sound like it...
My mind just won't wrap around this whole situation for some reason...
It is like I am living a really bad dream...
I will go back in the dark as per your advice...
I just want some answers but apparently he isn't going to be giving them to me...
Does he really expect me to sit here and wait while he sees if things pan out with her? He can't truly be actually thinking that?
I did get his reason for not telling me he moved...Ready..."I just wanted to keep the peace at that time" What the hell ever...
I am thinking he didn't like the fact that I knew what he was trying so desperately to hide and I didn't even know from him...That changed the whole tone of the conversation once he knew I knew...
Back into my cave I go
S,
Nothing he tells you will be the truth right now anyway. He'll only lie, and the truth is HE probably doesn't even know "why" he's doing what he's doing. He's confused and selfish right now, and it's his battle to sort out and you can't control it or even really STEER it.
All you can do is work on yourself, and lay out (and enforce) healthy boundaries for you and your sons, which you've done a really good job of.
You can't "teach an adulterer," but you CAN occasionally get in little "truth darts" that MAY get thru to them somewhat. If he says he's "having fun" again, just say something like "Well, I'm sure your sons will understand your leaving their lives so long as you're having 'fun'." or "Is that the kind of character you want to teach to your sons?"
Other than that, there's not much you can do other than protect YOURSELF -- legally, financially, emotionally, spiritually.
Hugs,
Puppy
Thanks Puppy...
I truly appreciate your help and guidance...
I will remember that if he says it again...
I am trying to protect myself and do good as long as I don't think about him or hear from him...
Once I am done at work and get home is the worst...
Then the little one will ask if Daddy is coming home today...
And of course I have no answer...
He is 6 so not quite understanding...
All I told him was that Daddy is out of town for work...
Then once the kids are in bed and I am left alone with my thoughts - Let's just say it is enough to drive anyone right out of their mind
Serenity,
Drive my way sweet!
Ups and bloody downs. First me and now you. But in different directions all the damn time. Ah bollocks!
Hugs to you and yours.
Going to cook something al la Mac.
BRB.
Hugs.
Mac
you CAN occasionally get in little "truth darts" that MAY get thru to them somewhat. If he says he's "having fun" again, just say something like "Well, I'm sure your sons will understand your leaving their lives so long as you're having 'fun'." or "Is that the kind of character you want to teach to your sons?"
Hell yes!
And this Flatulent Tart - yuff!
Hey Serenity ~
Will it ever end with these guys? (sigh)
Guess what I found today...
H is going away for ten days on vacation. Looks like he is going on the Harley because he had it apart cleaning it last night. Our Harley is a beautiful touring bike. I can't stand to even look at it now. It feels like it has betrayed me also since skank is riding on it. Anyway, I went into the garage to see if he had packed anything into it yet, and I found a shirt of hers in the side compartment. Red, button front, short sleeved, skank shirt. After picking my heart off of the garage floor, I put the shirt back. I wanted to cut that shirt to pieces! I went back into the house and called a very good christian friend of mine. She is my lifeline! I told her what I found and what I wanted to do. She said " MJ do not do anything bad to it. I want you to anoint it ( she has given me anointing oil that I rub into my hands and rub onto things that I pray over.) Anoint the shirt and the bike, and pray that a wedge will be put between them. She also told me to anoint and pray over a picture of H and me, because she knows I am going to have a rough week ahead thinking of H and skank.
I am so wanting to put something of mine in that same compartment for her to find. Make her trip miserable, if she is in fact going with him. Grrr...
GOD is in control, so I will not do anything.
Keep the focus on HIM
Keep the FAITH
See things the way I want them, and expect the victory
I will be obedient, and not have evil thoughts
MJ
Hey Mac & MJ...
Not sure I can drive from here to there...May have to fly instead...:) I wrote that down for next time Mac
MJ ~ I am sorry to hear what you found...Any chance you have a nice pair of silky, black thong panties you can slip in there between the folds of her skanky shirt?
That will knock her breath out for a bit - Bitch. (sorry Mac)
Today I am out of sorts...I was fine until I spoke to hubby and quite frankly I don't understand why he got mad? When he knew I knew she was here, it is like he did a 180...Tone of voice changed etc...I'm sorry did I miss something?
Damn I need a vaca! Tempting to pick up drinking as well lol
P.S. ~ Where can I get some annointment oil as well??
Caltex, Texaco or BP if you feel patriotic :B
LOL...
Annointing oil at a Texaco? I thought that was something you got from a Church?
I'll leave you with something that you can try to translate while I go try and beat some sense into food....
It's something a guy of 89 would have told me back in the land of my birth...
"Put thy belt and braces on lass - tha's gonna be all rete"
I bet Google will make a right cod's up of that one
Mac
LOL...I put that into google and I am not sure but I think google isn't a fan...Just put a bunch of weird crap on the page...Broke it down and came up with this...
"Using more than one method to make sure that something is safe or sure to happen"
Is that close?
My christian friend gave me a bottle. I believe she ordered it over the internet. She may have even ordered it from the Inspirational channel we watch in our area. It has a nice smell to it, and just slightly oily. I used it all over my house before I went to see my D in Georgia. I told my friend it doesn't seem to be helping, and she told me " Just because you haven't seen any changes yet, doesn't mean it isn't working." Remember, it's all in the timing. GOD'S TIMING
Oh Serenity, it's too bad we don't live closer. We could go out for Happy Hour!
MJ
I will have to look for some...
Happy hour sounds fabulous even though I rarely drink...I would make an exception for you though...
Pick up any thongs yet?
God's timing...My friend you hit the nail on the head...I have to keep reminding myself of that at least 50 times a day lol!
Remember this:
"Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act."
- Psalm 37:7 -
Oh Serenity... I just did something awful, but I couldn't help myself. When I just went out to rub the oil on the shirt, I ripped it a little. I ripped it under the sleeve, kinda looks like a seam rip. I know, I know! But it felt so good.
Kinda like what she helped H do with the M. Ripped it apart!
MJ
LMAO...I know I will probably get yelled at but good for you...I am thankful hubby is in another town and I wrok 6 days a week because the temptation to drive there and beat FT down overwhelms me at times...
When I found the pics of her and him I wanted so badly to rip them into a million shreads and leave them in his trunk but I couldn't (for some unknown reason)...I would gladly rip the shirt off her fat back if I was given the chance...
I think we may need some anger management classes lol
I had been doing so good through this whole thing till now. May have been prompted by her calling here the other day and hanging up on me.
I already prayed to GOD to forgive me. I feel awful about what I did. It just came over me, and it happened so fast. UH OH ,I hope H doesn't question me about it. Start thinking... I need an alibi! lol
MJ
Gaslight him...I am sure he did it to you to begin with
**I hope Puppy isn't around...He is going to rip us a new one for this behavior...
Gaslight him...I am sure he did it to you to begin with
**I hope Puppy isn't around...He is going to rip us a new one for this behavior...
Oh, I don't know about that, but I'm beginning to think that you and Mac oughta get a room!!!
Puppy
LMAO...Mac is a wonderful person but no...We don't play like that
It is nice to have a break from all the dramatics being played out in all our lives...
He cracks me up and sometimes you just need a friend to make you laugh, someone who makes you stop being so serious all the time...
At yourself and your life
Hi Guys and Gals,
Puppy - you're a mucky pup!
Serenity et al - just doing my thing to the best of my abilities.
I just love everyone.
BTW - you know when you get that undeniable feeling that "someone" is looking after you at time?
Well - last night I was skint - no cash even to buy dog food but I knew things would be fine.
Well this morning I checked my balance.
And the refund I was expecting has come through
The Mac family will make it!
YIPPEEEEEE.
Mac
Good Morning All...
Mac....He is always looking out for us...That was just proven to you...
I asked for a sign last week that standing for my marriage was the right thing to do...
I specifically asked for a red cardinal...Didn't see one for a week then yesterday I was outside and one flew right in front of me...
Moment of peace
No news today - That would be a good thing right?
Friday whoo-hoo...Not that it matters since I work tomorrow as well but now I am looking at each day as one day closer to this being over...Can't be more positive then that...
"A brick wrapped in silk" - That my friend is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said about me
(((Hugs))) For all
And I meant every word.
Mac
Catch u later one and all
Serenity
How are you today?
I am looking at each day as one day closer to this being over...Can't be more positive then that...
I think this is an awesome outlook, I'd like to borrow it from you if you don't mind sharing.......
I have been reading Wayne Dyers book Excuses Begone and it touches on the subject of living in the present moment.
Not worring about the past or trying to see into the future.
Because everything that has happened or will happen in the past or future is derived from living and experiencing just what is happening right now.
"Our relationship to the present moment defines our relationship to life itself. Whatever ever has happened in the past - no matter how many years, centuries, or millenia ago - all took place in the now. Just now. There is no way to experience anything other than in the precious present. The same logic applies equally to the future - what ever we fantasize about happening then will also only take place in the now."
It's a great read.
Oh, I don't know about that, but I'm beginning to think that you and Mac oughta get a room.
Play nice children.............
Braveheardt
Yehaaa! and a coupler of Whoop WHOOPS!
S - don't you pay no heed now!
We all need a little levity in our lives eh?
And to help you not look it up....
noun
humor or frivolity, esp. the treatment of a serious matter with humor or in a manner lacking due respect : as an attempt to introduce a note of levity, the words were a disastrous flop.
Who gives a stuff
And finally a wise saying......
You're as old as the woman you feel
Catch u later one and all (cooker calling!)
Mac
Hi Brave...
I am good thank you for asking and no need to borrow...I think we can all benefit to think that way at least a few days a week...I will check out the book you mentioned as well...Thank you...Hope all is going well with you today
Mac...I pay no heed and you know that...I don't feel so old today...Maybe late 20's
No plans for the weekend except work tomorrow then hanging with the boys and Church...No word today...Never know if that is a good thing or a bad thing lol...Makes my day easier though...
How are you doing today? Gonna avoid the pub perhaps?
I hope you are having a wonderful night my friend!
Good morning one and all.
So you lot are in Z land now. I've already put in a couple of hours house work. Can I hear any Ahhhhh shames? I believe I do
Serenity - late 20's isn't
that far off from where you are now - knock a couple more off
No plans are good. Go with the flow. Hanging with the youngsters is great. See what they want to do.
No news is good news. Take this quiet time to concentrate on yourself and forget the silly pillock for a day or two.
From what I see on your recent threads - he's like my significant other - they both
think they know exactly what they're doing but as anyone on the outside can see they really don't have a clue. It must be tough on them because of all the brain-strain they are putting themselves through.
Today for me? More housework. Boy it's been tough back at work and still keeping house, sorting dogs, fish and dozens of things that make up a normal day in the life of...
I'm going to a place called The Barrel - huge pub - to watch the Springboks hammer the All Blacks at rugby. This is
the place to be. Full of green shirts. I'll have mine on. And meeting a great friend of ours to watch with him.
Problem is that it's the closest place to when my W is staying. There's a chance that one or the other of the ladies will be there.
So keeping my fingers crossed that W opens up to Karen later. K is going to TELL her to get her act together. Two months of people telling W what they think will help her - you know the drill - may be at an end this PM. K also thinks the time for being gentle is over. Everyone is getting a little fed up with W now. Time to shake the tree.
Can't help but think what the public row between W and "friend" was all about. This is
not normal for the W. She's never been anything like this before. And who was driving it?
Can't remember what the night was like Serenity - my eyes were shut
Sweet dreams everyone.
You're all in my thoughts and my prayers.
Mac
Good Morning All...
Was checking out your post Mac and I am sorry your wife is flaking...
She does sound just like mine...
He got ahold of me the other day because he needed some money...
Not gonna happen sorry...
Why in the world does she need no less then 3 grand a month? I have 2 kids and don't even need that much...
Basically she wants her cake and eat it to...
She wants her own life (right now) as long as you are willing to support it...
Eff that...
If she needs that much money a month, then she either needs to get a couple of jobs or not be so high maintence...
Other then that, I am happy your attitude is still positive...It is the absolute worst situation to find yourself in however you are doing a fantastic job with your PMA...
Mine wavers day to day however I suppose that is normal...
Somedays I am just fine (as long as I don't think about it) and other days it takes all I have not to go to his place and beat him down for what he has done...
Good thing my meds are stable lol...
Days like today, I am calm within...
I tell myself I deserve better...
I am stronger then I ever knew because of this...
I have an inner peace now that I haven't had in a long time and quite frankly (today) I am not sure I want him back...
I feel guilty for thinking that however what is to say if we do get back together, he won't do it again later on down the road? What kind of man bails on his family with no guilt?
No remorse?
No regret?
How in the hell do you get that kind of trust back?
I know the answers aren't easy to come and I am not sure anyone has those answers but these are the questions I ponder...
I hope your rugby game is going wonderfully and you have a fantastic day!
"Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will."
Jawaharal Nehru
(((Hugs))) to all
Gaslight him...I am sure he did it to you to begin with
**I hope Puppy isn't around...He is going to rip us a new one for this behavior...
He'll have to rip me, too, then. I thought it was great. And I would have put the black thong panties in his pack so it would fall out when he takes out his clothes, so she could question who's it was.
On her side it would be an obvious plant. On his it looks like he's playing both of you.
Evil Grin.
Love it Wifey!
Putting them on his side was perfect...
Would love to be a fly on the wall if that actually did happen!
JEEZ girls - you are viscous - I'd hate to get on the wrong side of you two.
Cooker is on - back in a mo.....
Mac
Sorry chaps - pleasantly mellow (read plastered).
Read my thread for some disjointed details
All good.
I'll catch u on the morrow!
Mac
Why in the world does she need no less then 3 grand a month? I have 2 kids and don't even need that much...
Basically she wants her cake and eat it to...
She wants her own life (right now) as long as you are willing to support it...
Eff that...
If she needs that much money a month, then she either needs to get a couple of jobs or not be so high maintence...
Other then that, I am happy your attitude is still positive...It is the absolute worst situation to find yourself in however you are doing a fantastic job with your PMA...
YOW!
Lovit - every single person is saying exactly the same thing.
However in the defense of the W gotta do a little maths here - yes I know that 3000 is 3000 in whichever country you live in but the cost of living does differ.
I earn an average wage and she's asking for one seventh of that wage. BUT after getting rid of the bond, bills, repayments etc. she really is getting far more than I have left for us.
I have NO idea how the hell I managed to give her R1500 this month. Something had to give and I'll be blowed if I see what it was - maybe food - wasn't eating very well early on. And the dogs had cream crackers on thursday so that would be a good bet.
Lets see what tomorrow brings for us all. You guys still have a stack of Sunday left. Ours is winding down this side of the pond (4:30 pm)
Serenity - if you want to "do" the pillock of a H - I'll hold him and you feel free to pummel some sort of sense into him.
We all seem to have some off-days. I think thats allowed in the grand scheme of things.
Guilt- bet you he has that in spades - he's just better at hiding it than we are.
Guilt has no meaning on our side of the fence
We've all moved away from that $hit. Doesn't have a place in our personal life anymore. We've all thrashed the living daylights out of ourselves. Enough of that!
Up with the PMA is what I say!
Gonna write a catchy song/video one day and post on BoobTube.
Trust is something that is earned - worth much more than all the gold on earth. Agreed?
Have a wonderful day one and all.
Catch u later after doing a few more husbandly duties.
Mac
Morning all
I hope this finds you all well...
Same stuff here...
No word from hubby since last week...
Been 2 weeks and 3 days since he bailed and he has yet to see his kids and only spoke to the little one once...
Don't get me started...
Had a nice weekend...
Went to Church and had a little counsel with my Pastor yesterday...
Asked him about divorce since everyone I know is throwing that around to me...
He asked me what I wanted and when I told him, he agreed so I am not listening to anyone anymore...
He stated he can still see tension on my face which means I am not hiding it very well
I wish I could take a very long vacation to somewhere very far away...
Away from people...
Away from the phone...
Away from the computer...
I still feel like I am numb...
I still feel like I am in a nightmare and just can't wake up
Honey - book your flight.
Don't tempt me
I may take you up on that offer.
Serenity,
It's easy - take flight - half way over the pond turn right and here you are
Chin up sweets.
You know from my sitch that I'm dealing with a black hole as well.
Who the heck knows why they flip?
Hot, cold, up, down - floundering round in a daze. We're better than that.
Shine that light you mentioned Serenity. Show it to the world.
I'm sure I'll spot it from here!
There's not a problem with showing them that you're tense! So what that H reads into it what he does - Guilty as Charged. Twit that he is. But he's your twit - apologies.
Catch u later. Getting a bit wobbly with no food and a few Harriers and Coke with one of my mates earlier on.
Mac
No light right now my friend...
Bad enough that we got kicked out of our house but I am pretty sure my brother just kicked us out of his as well...
Please anyone tell me could I fall any further before someone extends a hand?
How much is one person supposed to take?
Oh dear God Serenity.
Who is we? The whole fam? What the heck happened????????
Very concerned Mac
All 3 of us...
Nothing like being kicked when you are down huh?
Apparently my oldest has an attitude (Really??? Wouldn't you at this point???) though mind you we stay out of the way and do our own thing but my brother can be an ass like that...
I will not be broken.
Ahhh dammit - why can't people just cut a bit of slack.
What has happened to bro to tip him like this?
Have you talked to him?
He must know your sitch.
Throwing everyone out because eldest has an attitude?
Gotta be more to it than this.
And no - you will NOT be broken.
Go find out - discuss - gently - you must know the drill by now - make a plan mum!
Mac
He isn't used to that many people he said...(We make 3 and his family is 6)...
We are complete opposites...
It has always been his way or the highway...
We got into a row the other night because he was trying to "father" my kids...
No can do..They have a Father...
For now that is my job and no one elses'...
He doesn't like the fact that my oldest doesn't really talk to anyone (he has always been this way) and brother is all about being in your face hearing what you have to say, telling you what you should do and then getting pissed if you don't follow his way...
No worries...
I am looking for a place right now...
Just feels like I am breaking though I won't allow a fully broken Serenity to emerge.
He knows the sitch and doesn't agree with how I am handling it...Thinks I should go and file for divorce and be done with it once and for all...
Owch - cramped!
Agreed that mum knows best.
His problem about son - should know better.
I AM worried.
Find it sweet so I can get some sleep!
I just know you'll do fine - nothing more dangerous than a riled female of the species - I should know!
And a very large lump of bollox in his direction. Your decision not his.
Going to collect burnt offerings from cooker.
Good luck (really doesn't come into it - you know what does!)
Keep me posted.
BRB
Mac
Actually not to cramped...
We have 2 rooms to ourselves and we have all gone on to do our own thing but apparently a hair is caught in his ass today...
I don't answer to anyone...Haven't in a long time and not going to start...
Don't tell me how to live my life...
Don't tell me what decisions I need to make...
He thinks I am only thinking of myself when I took the stand for my marriage...
What is that teaching my kids if I allow hubby to come home - That I am a doormat and anyone can walk all over me...
That is how he sees it...
I am an idiot for even going along with this...
Who in the hell thinks it is ok that their husband is living in another town, sticking it in some other woman and I have the gall to stand by and "hope" he comes to his senses? I should basically be ashamed of myself and put my boys first before my marriage and happiness...What am I teaching them in the long run?
That is what I got my friend...
Don't lose sleep over me, I will get through this as well...
Somehow...
Someway...
Serenity - stop all this now.
Mac is asking you to stop these thoughts.
Far to many. Far to quickly. Not good.
Serenity take one thing at a time.
Top of the pile is to get you guys fixed up for the night. The rest of it will keep on a low simmer (cooking again!) until morning.
Find out what gave him the flea in the but. He's your brother and has to be worried in one way or another about your situation. Otherwise he wouldn't be trying to be a father figure to your kids. He wouldn't be trying to get you to drop the M. He IS concerned and he's showing it.
At the risk of feeling your wrath - I'm going to ask you to go to him. Shut the flip up and let him talk to you. I'm convinced he's got your best interests at heart. Just listen to what he says. Listen. Don't judge. Don't lash out. Don't agree. Just listen. Gotta find a way to give you some time and breathing space.
Will you do that for me? For you and the kids?
Serenity - please do it for your friend all the way round the other side of the planet.
Gonna read a book and keep pressing the refresh button.
Mac
No light right now my friend...
Bad enough that we got kicked out of our house but I am pretty sure my brother just kicked us out of his as well...
Please anyone tell me could I fall any further before someone extends a hand?
How much is one person supposed to take?
Serenity, I'm afraid I can't offer you much in the way of "advice" right now, but I can certainly empathize with you and let you know I care. I'm having a horrible week myself (found out my unmarried D20 is pregnant, the guy's a deadbeat, and she has no health insurance and mine won't cover a pregnancy of a dependent child), my other daughter's boyfriend is facing the possibility of losing custody of his 4 year old son, my income tax refund check keeps getting delayed and I can't get to Chicago to visit my ailing parents, and my wife and I -- while great friends -- still have ongoing issues that threaten our marriage.
I too have been left wondering "Why ME??" this week, and "How much more am I expected to TAKE???"
I'm sorry I haven't been around much these past few days, but I've been up to my eyeballs in medical and insurance issues, and trying to be there for my wife and daughters.
How can I help you?
Puppy
Serenity - don't want to bug you - but what the hecks happening?
Thanks for dropping in Puppy
Mac
I am ok my friend...
I just want you to see the crap I listen to on a daily basis from well meaning friends & family...
Besides my MIL and Pastor everybody is pushing me to leave him, divorce him and take him for whatever I can...
I am just tired...
It all seems to be piling up on my shoulders...
I need a place for me and the boys...
We need our own place, our own space...
I will talk to him later when I get home and we will be fine but he needs to understand he isn't and never will be their Father...
YAY - don't you ever EVER do that to me again. Hear?
he needs to understand he isn't and never will be their Father
Agreed.
Phew Serenity - I nearly had a ducks fit there!
Certainly took my mind off my cr@p!
Slow and easy lemon sqeezee. (No idea WHAT the last bit means - more cooking metaphors).
Now I can get some sleep. And have only 1 cigarette left for the morning. Your fault!
A relieved Mac
Serenity,
As you know, I don't blow smoke up people's butts, just to make them feel better. I'm going to call 'em like I see 'em.
This:
I don't answer to anyone...Haven't in a long time and not going to start...
Don't tell me how to live my life...
Don't tell me what decisions I need to make...
. . . doesn't jibe with this:
I need a place for me and the boys...
The truth is, you DO need his help right now, and you ARE answerable to others. I've had to learn this the hard way myself -- I am a VERY prideful and stubborn man, and I detest having to ask other people for help, or relying on people, but sometimes you gotta suck it up for the sake of your kids.
It's also how other people are blessed -- by helping you.
I'm with Mac -- talk to him and secure the place to live for you and your kids. Compromise with him.
Save your "stand" for your husband.
You know we care about you,
Puppy
Hey Puppy,
just scanning some of the threads and saw you were having a challenging week. Hope it gets better. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Thanks, GIMA!
It is times like these that I learn to LEAN -- lean on God, lean on my friends and family, and lean into the storm.
Puppy
I am sorry Puppy and Mac...
I am at work and couldn't get right back to the site...
(((Puppy))) I am sorry you are having a hard time right now and I will keep you and your situations in my prayers...We seem to be having the same thoughts lately
I did question earlier "How much more"? But I have had a long chat with my MIL and also a few prayers and I know I won't fall...I know God will never give me more then I can handle...Seems like it but I know He won't...He won't give you more then you can handle either my friend...
(((Mac))) I am sorry I stressed you - didn't mean to cause a "ducks fit" and that you are almost out of smokes...I accept full responsibility
Go get some sleep my friend...I will talk to you soon...I promise you I am ok
Thanks, Serenity. A friend and I were e-mailing today and I had this thought that what may initially seem to us to be "yet another wave crashing on us" may in fact BE God's grace, in that He didn't allow them to all crash on us initially, all at once.
In other words, He allows us to face them only as we can handle them, as promised to us in 1Cor. 10:13.
Think about some of the subsequent "crashes," and try to imagine them all piled on your ORIGINAL crash -- could you have handled them, all at once???
Food for thought.
Puppy
LOL...No my friend, I couldn't have handled it all at once, I know I probably would have been broken beyond repair and you and Mac are right..
I do need the help of my brother right now however I don't need the crap...
I understand completely that no one agrees with the choice I have made - That is fine however do I really need to hear about it each and every single day? The answer is no...
We may not agree on the choices I have made however how many times do I have to say...It is my life, my choice? The answer is at least 3 times a day...And quite frankly I am tired of saying it...
I wish people would let me be...
Let me live with my choice and keep their traps shut...
They have stated their case, my mind isn't changing so leave it alone...
That would help me very very much...
This may help you...Thought about this when I read your post above about the waves crashing
"Even when devastating storms cut their terrible paths across your life, the peace & love that God puts within you can't be touched. He will never leave you & He will give you the strength and the courage to rebuild your life and look with hope to a brighter future."
Not sure who wrote it but I love it
I looked up the passage you put in your post...Absolutely perfect...I needed that and I thank you for that...I will put that in my book right now
Serenity,
Haven't been around much, but reading the above, first of all, I echo what @Puppy said, but secondly, as bad as things are for you right now you sound SO much better to me than you did just two weeks ago. I just feel such a different mindset in your words... Notwithstanding the hand you've been dealt, I get the sense you are getting stronger by the day. That will serve you and those boys well, but don't be too proud to ask for help when you need it...
-AlexEN
Thanks for coming Alex and of course for your kind words...I am not trying to be to proud...It is very hard for me though because I would rather do it on my own...That would be pride talking
I do feel better most of the time then I did a couple of weeks ago...I only start second guessing myself when people start with me...As the days go on I become stronger, I can feel that even if it is only a little bit at a time - It is still a step forward and not backward...Could be the meds that have now been doubled as well
I hope you are doing well also...How are your kids? How is your son? I think about him and wonder how he is holding up under all this...I wonder if his emotions parallel mine on any given day and if so I feel for him...You and your family are in my prayers and (((hugs))) to you all.
Thanks, I think he's doing fine. They would have sent him back otherwise...
But, seriously, we got a post card from him and he sounded great... Threw in a jab to W by spelling family incorrectly (he spelled it "familly") and underlining it several times. I'm quite sure that was his message to her... But, I don't even think she got the dig...
Little guy is having a rough time with it; D11 still refuses to talk about it because it makes her think about it and she doesn't like to think about it...
Hi Alex...
I am so happy to hear your oldest is doing well...
I am sorry to hear about the younger ones though...
My little one thinks his Dad is away for work but still cries every night for him...
Says his prayers and always asks for his Dads' safety and for him to return home soon...
I don't have the heart to break his right now so that is what I chose to tell him...
My oldest is just angry most of the time since Dad bailed and doesn't bother calling (twice in 17 days)...
I try to be there for them and spend as much time as I can helping them...
School starts soon so that may be a good thing - Take their minds off of all this
I get up everyday and hope today is the day that he pulls his head out of his you know what...
I go to bed at night praying tomorrow is a better day...
I am no longer disappointed though when it doesn't happen...
I am finally finding ways to occupy my mind.
Serenity, I'm afraid I can't offer you much in the way of "advice" right now, but I can certainly empathize with you and let you know I care. I'm having a horrible week myself (found out my unmarried D20 is pregnant, the guy's a deadbeat, and she has no health insurance and mine won't cover a pregnancy of a dependent child), my other daughter's boyfriend is facing the possibility of losing custody of his 4 year old son, my income tax refund check keeps getting delayed and I can't get to Chicago to visit my ailing parents, and my wife and I -- while great friends -- still have ongoing issues that threaten our marriage.
I too have been left wondering "Why ME??" this week, and "How much more am I expected to TAKE???"
I'm sorry I haven't been around much these past few days, but I've been up to my eyeballs in medical and insurance issues, and trying to be there for my wife and daughters.
Look at each problem one at a time.
1. Good side is your getting a new baby - a bigger blessing than anything else.
2. Chances are the deadbeat boyfriend will bugger off and leave you and your family alone. Then your daughter is free of a deadbeat boyfriend and baby does not have to deal with useless dad. Fingers crossed.
3. Not sure how it works in your country but in mine, no one is denied medical ( almost free anyways ) . Surely there is somewhwere where you can turn to for advice to help your daughter through this. Bound to be, use your investgative skills and research your butt off puppy - thats one of your strengths.
God helps those who help themselves3. Your other daughters boyfriends problems are his own. Be pleased it is her boyfriend and not husband ( chance they will split ) and that she has no children to him. Maybe a talk with daughter may steer her in right direction.
4. Your problems are your wifes problems. This could be what you need to pull together and get through this. May be the making of you.
5. Your tax cheque will turn up
6. Once it does - go visit your ailing parents. Meanwhile constant contact with them will be a relief to all of you. Care from a distance.
Sorry serinity about posting here. Not sure where puppy posts are.
Also for you - Try not to take stuff out on kids. They are going through hell as well. Everything you feel, they feel . think of that each time you get angry.
Plus in my country it is against the law to hit your child AT ALL. Not even a slap on the hands. No one can use any physical force to discipline a child. We await the results in years to come if this as an effective law. So if they push your buttons, imagine you lived in my country. Think of another punishment. Sorry not a telling off, just trying to offer you some red flags.
I do need the help of my brother right now however I don't need the crap...
I understand completely that no one agrees with the choice I have made - That is fine however do I really need to hear about it each and every single day? The answer is no...
We may not agree on the choices I have made however how many times do I have to say...It is my life, my choice? The answer is at least 3 times a day...And quite frankly I am tired of saying it...
I wish people would let me be...
Let me live with my choice and keep their traps shut...
They have stated their case, my mind isn't changing so leave it alone...
That would help me very very much...
Serenity - have you tried to tell those who won't keep their opinions to themselves thank you but no thank you? Let them know YOU are trying to figure this out for yourself and if and when you want their advice, you will ask for it. Meanwhile, could they please just be a 'friend' and listen? Tell them kindly that you appreciate their concern but their two cents is causing you more heartache. If they can't understand that, then just bluntly tell them you will no longer discuss the sitch with them. PERIOD!
Serenity the outside world may not understand why you are doing what you are doing but each and every person on the board does. You are never alone.
Good Morning All...
Thanks Polly and Ash...
I did have a long chat with my Brother and we are good...
I am still looking for my own place though...
I have been getting phone messages left for me telling me what I need to do and how I need to handle this so I will probably change my number as well...
Ash you are correct..."The outside world may not understand why you are doing what you are doing but each and every person on the board does. You are never alone."
Truer words have never been spoken...To bad we don't know each other IRL....May help some us more then others...
It has been 18 days since he left and feels like forever...I thought I saw him this morning but not sure...Still had the butterflies I get everytime I look at his handsome face
(((((Gardener)))))
Thank you
Ahhhh Serenity,
I'm in tears - a grown bloke in tears!
Tears of happiness for you and yours.
I wish I was half as strong as you.
Puppy's wise words about getting all this in one lump and that the Guy/Gal/Whoever upstairs hanging back stuck a HUGE chiming chord in me as well.
The people who have posted on your thread are simply superb with their kind thoughts in my humble opinion (for what thats worth). You truly are blessed.
Now push off out the way so I can give your younglings a hug from Uncle Mac (not taking over from you honest!). You gotta share sometimes though
Huge hugs - off to the freezer to see if I can chip anything edible from the lump of ice on the bottom. Wages didn't arrive. My b&^%$# partner has now started with the "I make the payments on the 28th" not what it should be "your wages will be in your account on the 28th!". I found THAT out when I tried the store here for the books - declined
Will try tomorrow morning. Soddit!
Don't worry though. Your namesake fishy, Stick, Ashley the big dog and Scrappy the tiddler dog are all fed and watered. I'll take care of myself.
AND I've decided that the W must look after herself!
Gonna pop off to my home here soon to see what's in the inbox
More than a few 2 x 4's I'm sure. I'll handle the pummeling.
Queue knee trembling music!
A VERY relieved Mac
Mac...
Always a pleasure...
No worries I had my fair share of tears last night...
Took the advice of some of the people here and had a mini-breakdown in the privacy of my room...
Cleansing actually but I had to stop after 10 minutes and put those feelings back in a box for now...
I ranted for a few and yelled at God (apologized later)...Asked Him how much more?
Told my Brother he wouldn't break me...
Didn't return the phone calls of the people who left the messages...
Just hung with my little one...
Had a row with my older one so he left (went to my Moms' house)...
He needs to handle his anger better and just won't let me help...
He is mad I cried...
Told me to just let go of hubby and move on...
Told you I get it from all sides
Good for you allowing her to look after herself...
I am proud of you...
Welcome back to the dark side
I hope you have found something to eat...
I actually ate something today finally...
Good for the rest of the week lol...
I am fasting starting tomorrow...
I will be baptized on Sunday and want to look nice
Not that anyone will be there however God will be as well as my Church family and that is good enough for me...
A thought for you to ponder (don't know who said it)...
"God whispers in your soul & speaks to your mind. Sometimes when you don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at you. It's your choice; Listen to the whisper or wait for the brick."
Told you I get it from all sides
Not that anyone will be there however God will be as well as my Church family and that is good enough for me...
So, clearly not
all sides
I will say a celebration prayer and think of you Sunday (what time?)
"God whispers in your soul & speaks to your mind. Sometimes when you don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at you. It's your choice; Listen to the whisper or wait for the brick."
"(Whisper,)" said God.
"Duck!," said everyone on this forum.
"Bonk!," said all the bricks in unison.
[/quote]
Hi Gardener...
So true...
I ment all sides from the people that know what is going on aside from my Pastor and MIL...
My Church family doesn't know and I plan on keeping it that way...
I made the mistake of telling a couple of people what was really going on and I haven't lived it down since...
I am in Church from 10:30-2 so somewhere in that time frame and I thank you in advance for your celebration prayer
Gardener - you are staring to crack ME up now.
Dontcha just lovit?????
Ahhhhhhhhhh Serenity with big grown up sentimental idiots like us to support each other how can we possibly fail.
Oh - and send the box through South African Postal Services - they'll lose it for you
Hugs to us all.
A very warm and fuzzy Mac
I love it...You all make me smile
I agree Mac how can we possibly fail?
I just went and looked at a townhouse that is for rent not to far from work...
Scary...I went from living with my parents until I was 18...Married at 18...Never lived on my own...
What if I fail this?
Sweets,
The only things you'll fail at are the things you don't try
Grab it - and go to
your room
Whoop and another Whooop
A very GIDDY Mac (need food!)
Sweets...
For 38 years I have always had someone by my side...
I don't know how to be alone...
Of course I will try...I have to
I just don't want to fail this...
I have felt like I have pretty much failed everything else in my life and I just can't take another at this point.
Bull manure and you know it.
No-one with you - you have two kiddywinks physically there.
Alone? Hon - I'm ALONE - but not quite - have the fishies, the dogletts and everyone here. I have freinds and a depressed mate all the way round the other side of the planet (UK) who I enjoy chatting crud to.
You are blessed in the same way Serenity.
Stop shoving manure onto yourself. You pong
A cheery Mac
LMAO...
What the hell is a "pong" - Off to Google - "An unpleasent smell"? I don't smell bad at all
I know I am blessed...I just don't want to make the wrong decision for my boys...
I want to know that the decisions I make are the best for them, me and hubby if he chooses to come home...
BTW - I saw a red cardinal today - You remember I specifically asked God for a red cardinal as a sign that my choices are the correct ones (about 2 weeks ago)...
Took 1 week before I saw the first one and then I haven't seen any until this morning when I dropped the little one off before work...
There he was in all his beautiful red glory sitting on a power line right above my truck...
I thanked God right then and there for the sign...
Didn't think much more of it since the peace was instilled and about 15 minutes ago - Guess who called?
He was checking on me and the boys...
He said he missed us and loved me and the boys...
That is what gives me the strength to continue...
God took what I asked for, sent me the signs and then had hubby call me...
And right there my friend is why I do what I do regardless of who says what and how bad I feel on any given day...
That restores my faith in myself and my stand and gives me the peace inside that I am doing the right thing and eventually he will be home.
Ohhhh very yeah
Now put your a$$ back on
Mac
I am good...I want you to read what I posted to Alex yesterday...
"My friend I think you are correct...
I couldn't even begin to imagine life with a new person however that may be what the future holds...
It may be the same husband who is a new person or a new man all together however I will be a better person because of this...
I will be a stronger woman because of this...
I will be a better mother because of this...
I have more faith then I ever did before...
I have more strength then I ever thought possible...
I have inner peace and that came from within...
I have courage to face each day instead of hide from it...
I have the wisdom of the people who have been here longer then me...
I have the generosity of those same people who come here and share with me (and all of us) the ways I am doing right and the ways I am doing wrong...
I have the security of the love I receive from God...I also have his protection because he will never let me fall flat on my face...
In my heart, I know we will all be just fine."
This is how I need to feel each and every single day...I printed this out...My own words to throw in my own face when I get down a bit
Ohhhh yeah!
I think the pranny is still in there (good for you!)...
"the same husband who is a new person"
Other people here did it. I did it (just didn't stick last time). You will do it.
Watch for the birds Serenity. They come in threes (or is that trees?).
A very birdalogically confused Mac
I googled pranny and apparently that is an offensive word
Never heard of the birds coming in 3's (death of celebrities but not birds) but I do look for them everyday...When I feel lower then low along one comes so I have faith God is doing that for me...Just to pick me up when I need it the most...
Serenity - I've decided to start using words that don't contain ^%$@.
I 'recon the "censors" here have better things to do than Google every fifth word I type
And now off to my culinary delights and a well earned stretch of kip.
You have the most magnificent of afternoons.
Sleep well Serenity. Really mean that.
((((((Serenity))))))
Mac
(((((Mac)))))
LOL...I know the feeling...Normally I have to go back and censor my own post because it is filled with cursing...I can curse in Italian however most wouldn't know what I was saying
Have a wonderful meal and a wonderful sleep filled with sweet dreams
Ash you are correct..."The outside world may not understand why you are doing what you are doing but each and every person on the board does. You are never alone."
Truer words have never been spoken...To bad we don't know each other IRL....May help some us more then others...
Serenity - Maybe, someday, some of us will get to meet...How wonderful would it be to have weekly DB meetings with others from this board?
I wanted to let you know I will be thinking about you on Sunday. If I lived nearby I'd drop in but I think you're at least a 20 car ride.
Good morning from a Thundery Day in Cape Town Serenity.
Hope you had a wonderful peaceful night. You deserve it. We all deserve it.
BTW - thundery weather - not the sitch
I'm looking forward to seeing my W at the opening tonight.
What are your plans?
Mac (yawning and looking at the shower)
Good Morning Mac...
You must have our storm...Was thundery and stormy last night and not my sitch either
At work now and I have a class tonight at Church, other then that nothing happening...
Hubby called twice yesterday...
Once in the afternoon and again last night to speak to the little one...
Didn't sound so happy but not putting much stock into that...
Said life as a bachelor was just ok as opposed to last week when he was "having fun" and "all is good"...
I did get a miss you as well as an I love you which just melts me - I know go ahead and hit me with the 2x4's I can't help it...
As bad as he has treated me, I am such a sucker for that man...
Good news - I am not stupid anymore...I may love him and want him home with all my heart however thanks to the people here, it won't be that easy for him to get back in
Remember This -
"Just because the path is bumpy, doesn't mean you are on the wrong road"
I heard this on the radio - Loved it
Ah Serenity,
Reading your post gives me a big smile.
Seems that everyone is working out exactly what their stand is in this mess.
And depending on who they are, are coming to some realizations.
Wally's are becoming glum. Shame! Or should I say NICKERS!
GOOD!
Mac
And the first of many Big hugs.
It's nice being up before you guys so I can get away with this sort of thing :-)
Have wonderful day Serenity.
I plan on doing the same
Mac
Big Hugs to you as well Mac...
I had a good night up until I returned home from Church then things started happening (not with hubby) and I am once again being crushed by the weight...
I read today to turn all my emotions over to God's will so that is what I am trying to do now
I hope your day is going wonderfully!
Yo Serenity!
Hon - I would have thought you would have joined the gym and started weight training a LONG time ago
Remember - even though you are a member of the superior sex (yeah right
) and I've been told can multi task - sometimes anyone can become overloaded.
Just remember - as far as the Big Guy is concerned - it's nothing personal. Treat it as another test of character. You'll pass with ease.
Wonderful day - all over the Western Cape. Dropped in at home @ 1 to pet the dogletts and stroke the fish. Saw garden services down the road and took a fig fat chance. Next minute the back garden is covered by gardening operatives. One and a half hours later - no weeds, great lawn and ...... they found the dogs ball! Ashley is in seventh heaven. I'm not. See the ball, play with the ball, throw the ball ....
Back at home now. Found out that "friend" and crowd are on the way to the local.
I'm not going. I've decided to take everybody's advice and stay clear of the place 99% of the time. I'm going tomorrow night because the prize draw is on
In the meantime - let everyone wonder where Mac has gone.
Seems totally about face. I WANT people to see me but at this point maybe being scarce will build the suspense to breaking point.
Hope the rest of the day shines brightly on you and yours.
Pop over to my home - rewind back a bit - and throw some "stuff" at me
((((Serenity))))
Mac
Serenity, just strollin' through Mac's world and read
Here is a song for you - For all of us...Lynyrd Skynrd
Thanks for posting it. For me songs are a fast-track to my soul. So, I went back over to Gardenerland and posted my big three songs for my current no-wife life...and my prayed-for future. Thought I'd drop by to thank you and invite you over to share 'em with you.
Thanks again.
Phone alarm's set to go off Sunday at noon to remind me of your special day, so look for the prayer from Connecticut zippin' by!
Afternoon Serenity,
Sorry to say this but......
Just finished work
How's things going in your world today?
You've gone awful quiet.
Mac
Just found out about your special day from Gardener.
So proud of you.
You'll be in my thought and in my prayers even more.
Catch you later.
Mac
Good Morning Mac...
Don't mean to go quiet...
Just had a lot piling on the last few days (not the sitch) and reached a breaking down point yesterday...
I just don't know how much more 1 person can take to be honest...
Someone told me (I think Puppy) that God gives you a little at a time so as not to break you however I don't want anymore...
I could barely breathe last night...
I want to be done with this...
I want my life back...
I want my husband back...
I want to wake from this nightmare and be able to say Thank God I got through that...
In the past few months, I have lost my job, my house, my self respect, my self-esteem, my husband and now about to lose my car...
I got my old job back, still no husband, no house, a warrent out for my arrest (found that out last night - handling that right now), car could be gone by tomorrow, in-laws threatning to take my kids from me and my oldest son is now gone...
He doesn't like me anymore and wants nothing to do with me so he has moved over to my Moms' house for the time being...
I am not doing enough to bring his Dad back home...
I don't care enough that his Dad is gone...
I am tired and hurt and sad and I want this over...:(
So you know why I am quiet now...Just trying to process everything and see where I go from here.
Serenity ~
I have been lurking, but not posting much. I haven't even been posting on my thread lately. As soon as I read how down you were today, I came on in.
What happened to the Serenity that was gaining so much strength. You were sounding so good there for awhile. You are in GOD'S hands, you will be OK. Trust in HIM. Have FAITH in HIM that he will get you through this storm. Get your focus back on him and not your circumstance. I know, it's not easy. Believe me I know.
As you probably remember, my H has been gone all week on vacation. I don't know where he went, or if skank is with him. It has been so peaceful having the house to myself. Whenever the TV is on, it is on Trinity Broadcasting. Whenever the radio is on, it is on my Christian station. A year ago, I would have been watching QVC & romantic movies, and listening to the country music station. I still like all that, but that's not what I need at this time. Sure, I have had an emotional week just with the wondering where and who H is with. When it starts to get the best of me, I shake my head, and refocus my thoughts.
H will be back on Sunday. I'm starting to feel a little apprehension setting in. I didn't know if I wanted to be here when he returned or not. Yesterday though, I received a call from my mom wanting me to come visit her on Sunday. So, there's my answer. Just when I start having doubts about GOD being in control, something like this happens. I told my mom sure I would come ( she lives in the next town), and it made her so happy.
Hang in there girl... We have an awesome GOD, and HE knows what your going through. I want you to read Psalms 37. Will you do that for me?
MJ
Hey MJ...
Always nice to hear from you...
I was wondering where you went since I haven't seen anything updated on your thread...
I try to do the same thing as you - Shaking my head and refocusing...
Most days are good however yesterday/last night, I felt the weight was to heavy...
I try so hard not to think about him and her together because it literally makes me sick to my stomach...
Then I wonder if I am doing the right thing...
If he is happy then who am I to stand in his way of happiness - Does that make sense?
Why am I trying to force something that may not be?
Is he happy or isn't he?
Does he love her or does he love me?
Seems he loves her since he is there with her and not here with me...
Then I see I am making it about me and him or her and him when in reality it is just about him.
I want off this ride
Go visit your Mom...
Best thing for you on his return...
Plus maybe that is Gods' way of saying you just don't need to be there right now.
I will do you one better then reading it...We can all read it (well those that come here and would like to read it)
1 Do not fret because of evil men
or be envious of those who do wrong;
2 for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.
3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
4 Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:
6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.
8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.
9 For evil men will be cut off,
but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.
10 A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
though you look for them, they will not be found.
11 But the meek will inherit the land
and enjoy great peace.
12 The wicked plot against the righteous
and gnash their teeth at them;
13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
for he knows their day is coming.
14 The wicked draw the sword
and bend the bow
to bring down the poor and needy,
to slay those whose ways are upright.
15 But their swords will pierce their own hearts,
and their bows will be broken.
16 Better the little that the righteous have
than the wealth of many wicked;
17 for the power of the wicked will be broken,
but the LORD upholds the righteous.
18 The days of the blameless are known to the LORD,
and their inheritance will endure forever.
19 In times of disaster they will not wither;
in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.
20 But the wicked will perish:
The LORD's enemies will be like the beauty of the fields,
they will vanish—vanish like smoke.
21 The wicked borrow and do not repay,
but the righteous give generously;
22 those the LORD blesses will inherit the land,
but those he curses will be cut off.
23 If the LORD delights in a man's way,
he makes his steps firm;
24 though he stumble, he will not fall,
for the LORD upholds him with his hand.
25 I was young and now I am old,
yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
or their children begging bread.
26 They are always generous and lend freely;
their children will be blessed.
27 Turn from evil and do good;
then you will dwell in the land forever.
28 For the LORD loves the just
and will not forsake his faithful ones.
They will be protected forever,
but the offspring of the wicked will be cut off;
29 the righteous will inherit the land
and dwell in it forever.
30 The mouth of the righteous man utters wisdom,
and his tongue speaks what is just.
31 The law of his God is in his heart;
his feet do not slip.
32 The wicked lie in wait for the righteous,
seeking their very lives;
33 but the LORD will not leave them in their power
or let them be condemned when brought to trial.
34 Wait for the LORD
and keep his way.
He will exalt you to inherit the land;
when the wicked are cut off, you will see it.
35 I have seen a wicked and ruthless man
flourishing like a green tree in its native soil,
36 but he soon passed away and was no more;
though I looked for him, he could not be found.
37 Consider the blameless, observe the upright;
there is a future [b] for the man of peace.
38 But all sinners will be destroyed;
the future [c] of the wicked will be cut off.
39 The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD;
he is their stronghold in time of trouble.
40 The LORD helps them and delivers them;
he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
because they take refuge in him.
Aw Serenity...
That was awesome that you posted it.
Now we can share that with everyone who needs encouragement!
GOD is looking down and saying WELL DONE SERENITY!
MJ
Serenity & MLJ -
It brought tears to my eyes and peace to my heart.
Thank you both!
Serenity, there's a idiom - "it never rains but it pours."
Bad (or good) things do not just happen a few at a time, but in large numbers all at once.
Bummer - but they happen. What's important is the way you look at them, prioritize them and deal with them.
And thank goodness this deluge doesn't happen all the time.
Question - Serenity, did this lot happen all at once or were they allowed to grow and grow?
So. What to do. What to do.
Well they're not going to go away by themselves so you're going to have to roll your sleeves up and hit 'em one at a time.
My 2c worth - from Learned Optimism -
Bad events are temporary setbacks
Isolated to particular circumstances
Can be overcome by my effort and abilities
Sweets, please stop thinking about all the "does he doesn't he crud", "why this and that crud" and all the other crud that you just won't find answers for. Dedicate that freed up energy (and I know you've got lots of that) in dealing with things you DO have control over.
Take the bull by the horns. Check the things you listed in your previous post. Nail them. Chat with someone who has a sympathetic ear. Or do it here.
There are some very wide shoulders waiting for you.
(((((Serenity)))))
Mac
Good Morning All...
Better today then yesterday...
Had a lot of time to think and Mac is right....
I need to stop thinking of all the crud...
All it does is bring me down...
I get one thought in my head then basically run with it...
I need to find a way to not think period then I will be golden lol...
I believe with all my heart that we will be able to get through this and our marriage will be better and stronger because of it...
I also need to stop thinking his life with her is the same as it was with me...
The more I read the more I know that isn't true...
They are both liars and are telling each other what the other wants to hear...
I have been reading a lot about PEA chemicals (thanks Puppy) and the consensus is that it will pass in time...
Always comes back to time and patience...
Something I need to work on
Another psalm for you, less commonly heard:
Psalm 4
Answer me when I call, O God who declares me innocent. Take away my distress. Have mercy on me and hear my prayer.
How long will you people ruin my reputation? How long will you make these groundless accusations? How long will you pursue lies?
Selah
You can be sure of this: The LORD has set apart the godly for himself. The LORD will answer when I call to him.
Don't sin by letting anger gain control over you. Think about it overnight and remain silent.
Selah
Offer proper sacrifices, and trust in the LORD.
Many people say, "Who will show us better times?" Let the smile of your face shine on us, LORD.
You have given me greater joy than those who have abundant harvests of grain and wine.
I will lie down in peace and sleep, for you alone, O LORD, will keep me safe.
Thank you Kett...I will write these down as well. This one line
"Don't sin by letting anger gain control over you. Think about it overnight and remain silent."
Speaks volumes to me....I will have to remember this
Serenity ~
I loved your post today!
You sound so much better, and you gave me comfort today!
MJ
Hey MJ...
Thank you and I am glad you found comfort in it as well...
It amazes me how different my emotions are day to day but I am trying to keep that in check...
I know better then to allow my emotions to control me but that is exactly what I have been doing and the time for that is over...
I don't want to add more medication to my body so this is my choice...
I have to keep my mind stable and my emotions even otherwise my medication won't do what it needs to do and in order for the OW to continue to breathe on this earth, it is in her best interest that I keeps my moods stable
How are you doing today?
Are you still going to your Mom's house tomorrow?
Hey Serenity,
Today's the day for you!
I'm glad you're resisting the urge to pump "stuff" into yourself.
You hit the nail on the head with the OW comment.
You HAVE to be better than the FT. You ARE better than the FT.
Noon will be here soon
HUGS
Mac
Good Morning All...
The weekend was good...
My baptism was amazing and peaceful...
The beginning of a new life for me
Hubby called this morning and I didn't even get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach...
He talked to the little one for a few then asked about my weekend etc...
All is blessed in Serenity land today...
I read this today...
Trust means God can do it
Faith means God will do it
Hugs to all and have a wonderful day!
Honey,
I'm so PROUD of you.
You have strength and above all you have faith.
Everything is right with the world. And if it isn't the (insert rude sound here).
Good on you Serenity.
BIGGEST hugs.
Mac
Thank you my sweet friend...
I am proud of me as well...
I know I will be just perfect...
I know that in my heart...
Hubby was just here actually and I went outside to talk to him...
Just chit chatting about the boys, work etc...
He isn't ready to come home...
He misses me...
He loves me...
He is lying to me about how happy and ok he is and I called him on it (I can tell when he is lying)...
He didn't deny it...
We hugged and kissed and he went back to work...
I miss him terribly and tried to hold back but I couldn't when he went in for my mouth...
Bring on the 2X4':(
2 x 4 alert!
Hugs honey.
Perfect day for you. Sod the rules for once
I'm so JEALOUS!
Mac
Bang goes my chance of being a DB coach
LOL...
I adore you my friend...
It was like any other day when he used to come see me at work...
Except for me calling him on lying to me...
We both know he isn't happy however I (in my right mind) would think it would be as easy to pack up and come home...
Then again he isn't in a right mind so who knows what he is thinking...
That kiss wow is all I am going to say...
I am such a dope!
(((Hugs)))
Oh you PRUNE - "Except for me calling him on lying to me..."
I agree wholeheartedly with the "isn't happy", "right mind".
Gonna have to have LONG chat with you.
I think that you're going to do the same with me
Going to bo bo land - long day.
Hugs chickie!
Mac
Have a wonderful sleep (((Mac)))
We will chat later...
Sleep tight and sweet dreams my friend
Serenity-
Congrats on the Baptism. I thought and prayed for you in Church yesterday. Faith is a beautiful thing and when we let God take over we can find peace.
Don't beat yourself up about the kiss. I was happy to hear the sick feeling in your stomach was gone.
How is your oldest?
Hi Serenity
I have been reading along for a while and I just wanted to say hi. Congrats on your baptism. You seem to be making progress with H and I know that is the result of many prayers.
I like reading about all the signs that God has sent you. Isn't God wonderful? Last week I prayed about being freed from any negative influences on my M. The very next day I got onto the wrong lane on the highway and a bumper sticker on the car right in front of me read "Jesus has set me free". This is not the first time something like this has happened to me and honestly, on bad days it is the only thing that keeps me hanging in there. God always knows how to send those rays of sunshine when it is looking dark.
Later.
Thank you Ash!
I refuse to beat myself up over it because I liked it and I missed it and well dangit I wanted it as well (trying to curb my cursing)...
He has called me 3 times today but I wait to answer the phone like I am supposed to do but when he came here and I could look him in the eye, I could feel it in my stomach...
I knew he wasn't happy and I knew he was lying to me and to himself however it is not up to me to fix it...
My job is to fix myself and keep my boys safe...
The oldest is getting there...
He actually texted his Dad back on Saturday (Hubby texts him every few days to see how he is but he refuses to answer)...
All he asked him was when he was coming home however there was no namecalling, cursing or disrespect...
I can't ask for anymore...
Thank you for your kind words and for your prayers, it was a perfect day regardless of who was or who wasn't there...
All that mattered is that He was standing right beside me and I finally knew He wasn't going anywhere...
I am finding peace and I may someday find my name as well
Hi Kara, Thank You and welcome...
I will catch up on your sitch when I am done responding to you...
I thank you for posting and I like the sign you received as well...
I have days where I struggle to find a sign but it is always there...
Even in the form of a bumper sticker...
A few weeks back I was spending my lunch hour in the Church parking lot...
Crying and praying and begging and one day I asked God where He was...
Why I wasn't getting anything from Him...
No signs..
Nothing...
I finished praying and left the parking lot...
I looked at my radio and there was a cd in there that I had turned down so I could pray (otherwise I get sidetracked and sing along instead of focusing)...
The song at that moment in time scrolling across the player was Believe...
You may have to look for the signs but they are really there
Sure a red cardinal is easier to see but even the little signs are there for you..."God always knows how to send those rays of sunshine when it is looking dark."
This is the perfect attitude to have
Serenity -
Check this out - BEAUTIFUL -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0u_1MAygU0Greg Laswell - Sweet Dream
If I could write out my own dream
For the next time that I sleep
You'd be the first one that I see
And I the last one that you keep
The dream would go on and on
While we sway
Against all things thrown our way
And the morning would be so cruel
When it came
With sunshine and warmth to blame
For announcing the end of my sweet dream
For announcing the end of my sweet dream
Mac
(((Mac)))
Why aren't you sleeping?
This was beautiful and I thank you for sending it to me...
I sure know the feeling
Sweets - it's ONLY 11:00 pm.
I just had to have one last tramp round and see my friends before getting some kip
Which will be any time very soon. IF my brain will shift out of overdrive.
Gonna do a couple of chapters of The Reality Dysfunction by Peter F. Hamilton. Now THERE'S an apt title if ever there was one. I must feature in chapter 17
Enjoy the rest of the day and bask in the glow
Hugs and night night.
Mac signing off .......
LOL...
I am not sure why I thought it was later then that...
Then again I am normally wiped by 11pm...
That sounds like a good read...
When will you get your DB or DR book/s? Hopefully soon!
I will have a great day because I choose to do so and of course I will bask if only for a few more hours
I hope you have a great night my friend!
Serenity
Thanks for your comments on my post. I walk around with a small notebook full of prayers and affirmations which I say during the day when anger/fear/distruct/victim thinking start to rear their respective heads.I have posted some of my favourite verses under the Prayer Circle. Anyone is free to add their own verses to the Bible Alphabet Verses I have started there.
Later...
Bumping up looking for the more experienced posters...Please go see Beep...Needs some help and guidance...Thanks all!
Good morning Serenity,
Seems like a quiet day in Serenity Land.
Yes? No?
Thanks for rallying the troops for beeps.
Catch u later - jumping in shower (no peeking)
Mac
Good Morning Mac...
It has been quiet here...
No word since Monday...
Only news is my car was taken last night...
I got nothing else
I sure hope your day is better then mine my friend
(((Hugs)))
Oh boy Serenity.
My heart hurts for you.
Taken as in stolen or the other kind?
You got me babe! Sonny and Cher (before they split)
Sh1t St0rm on the horizon here. Hehehehehe
Catch u later with the gossip (if I'm able).
Not drinking and driving - I live here. Sweet
(((((Serenity + Mac + Friends)))))
The other kind...
However this won't break me either...
I will get through this somehow someway
The Pastor said something this past Sunday about not asking why...
So I am not asking, I am accepting that this to is Gods will and He will open another door for me.
Never drink & drive
(((Hugs)))
Serenity - what a wonderful outlook.
My admiration for you is on steroids.
Can't drink and drive - I spill most of it
Mac
LMAO you always manage to put a smile on my face...
It has taken me a very long time to change my outlook and there were so many tears along the way but all the people here as well as prayer and my support system have changed all that...Probably 2 weeks ago this would have broken me but I still have a smile on my face (though I did have tears this morning when I saw my truck was gone) because I know I will be just fine
'cos you will sweetheart.
There's the Faith thing again (note capital letter)
If you see Sandi (and if she's still speaking to me
) can you point her my way?
Thanks a mill Serenity.
Sorry you're still half way through the day. I'm feeling guilty
Mac
We all will Sweets - We will all be just fine...
I will send Sandi your way if I see her online and no thanks needed...
That is why we are all here...
No need for guilt...
I look forward to the rest of my day because I never know what each day will bring me
I have a question for all you LBS -
My hubby has said some awful things in the past few months and I keep hearing more from other parties as time goes on...
I heard yesterday that he said "I was the biggest mistake of his life" and after reconnecting with his ex/gf "He married the wrong woman"...
Now granted these were said before the PA took place but in the time the EA was happening...
My question - Are these truths deep inside of him?
I can't wrap my mind around these even coming out of his mouth and even though they were said not directly to me, it still is like a slap in my face...
Hi Serenity
I don't think that it is some truth deep inside him but only he will know for sure.
I think that these are statements that any WAS or even LBS may think or say at some time. He may be trying to justify his actions. I know it hurts but try not to sweat it too much.
I have a question for all you LBS -
My hubby has said some awful things in the past few months and I keep hearing more from other parties as time goes on...
I heard yesterday that he said "I was the biggest mistake of his life" and after reconnecting with his ex/gf "He married the wrong woman"...
Now granted these were said before the PA took place but in the time the EA was happening...
My question - Are these truths deep inside of him?
I can't wrap my mind around these even coming out of his mouth and even though they were said not directly to me, it still is like a slap in my face...
Serenity-
I think the words your H spoke are typical of any person in your H's sitch (an adulterer). H tried to convince others your M was a mistake as a way to rationalize his behavior (i.e. misbehavior). He was really trying to convince himself. Not for a second do I believe those were truths deep down inside.
Of course it feels like a slap in the face. You're only human. Honestly, I don't understand why the 'other parties' are telling you these things. Do people really not understand that all it will do is hurt you?
Keep in mind, the person your H has become is not the man you married. Hopefully that man will return someday.
Thank you Kara and Ash...
I didn't want to think these were his "real" feelings because it did sting...
Especially since he told others this and not me...
I think they tell me to let me know what has been said in the past few months...
Not that it makes me feel any better that is for sure...
I had a call from my Pastor last night who forced me to put things back into perspective...
I kept focusing on what has been lost and he wants me to focus on what I have...
He said he has been thinking about my husband and I and thinks I need to let go - I am assuming that doesn't mean run out and file for divorce though...
I think he means I need to stop letting these thoughts get in there and consume me...
Apparently I am not doing as good as I thought I was lol
Happy thoughts for all (((Hugs)))
Serenity,
Remember the "confused other party" in this sitch?
Sounds like he's using others because he's worked out the "direct approach" just wasn't working. Good on you!
Just because others are now involved doesn't change a thing as far as you are concerned. Except showing these same people just what a poop hole he's turning into.
I really don't like "keeping score" - has to many negative connotations but in this case who do you think is on top? Who do you think other people relate to positively?
As you said to me - you have no control over anyone else but yourself.
Pastor man is right. Look after Serenity. Be Serenity.
Loads and loads of hugs to you and yours honey.
Take a swing round to "my place" - take your mind off your crud and see if you can give me an injection of reality
Share and share alike
Mac
Hey Serenity,
Just a quick nudge 'cos you've gone very quiet.
You have to check out Steve McQueens thread - he doesn't know who Godsmacked are
(((((Serenity)))))
Mac
That's just another typical excuse for your H, Serenity, as others have pointed out.
Besides, life is such that hindsight is always perfect, and a fantasy one even more so! Never mind that it's purely delusional. I came across a quote I liked, from of all people Tolkien.
"Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both partners might be found more suitable mates. But the real soul-mate is the one you are actually married to."
And your pastor has a point - focus on the positives.
Good thoughts to you too
I had a call from my Pastor last night who forced me to put things back into perspective...
I kept focusing on what has been lost and he wants me to focus on what I have...
He said he has been thinking about my husband and I and thinks I need to let go - I am assuming that doesn't mean run out and file for divorce though...
I think he means I need to stop letting these thoughts get in there and consume me...
Apparently I am not doing as good as I thought I was lol
Happy thoughts for all (((Hugs)))
(((Serenity)))
Something that helps me is a gratefulness journal. Even on my lowest, most awful days, I can think of things I am grateful. Talk about focusing, it really opens your eyes to actually write down what you have.
As for your H's comments - he is justifying and trying to give reasons why he is an adulterer. Trying to make himself look better - and failing miserably.
I would ask your "friends" to only tell you things that threaten you legally. If it is just a running commentary on what he says it is far too painful and damaging, and if they are truly friends then they will refrain.
Anyone that doesn't respect this statement you should minimize time with.
Good morning and thank you Mac, Deep and Wifey...
Hope all is well with you all this Monday morning...
Mac - I will visit Steve as soon as I am done here and let him know all about Godsmack
Deep - Thank you for the quote, I wrote it in my book
Wifey - That is perfect and something I will be saying to a lot of people shortly - Thank you very much
(((Hugs to you all)))
Journaling:
Haven't heard from hubby since last Monday...Not since that kiss we shared and then he left from here mad for whatever reason...He did text the oldest one yesterday and apparently has now set himself up a Myspace so wanted to be friends with oldest on there...I looked at his page today and the first thing that caught my eye was he noted he was single
I haven't slept good the last few days and it seems to be catching up with me...Today I feel down and broken...Like one more thing and it will all break...I can feel tears burning but they haven't fallen yet...
I don't feel I am as far as I want to be...I try so hard to not focus on him and his mess but it creeps in there throughout the day and then just goes from there...
I am not feeling God as close as I was...I feel like I am in a snowglobe and someone came along and shook it all up, now the snow is falling but instead of it being snow it is all the pieces of my life scattered all over the place and quite frankly I don't know where to begin today...
I still awoke this morning and said my prayers and sent up my thanks for all I do have but I feel off...Numb and I thought I was done with the numbness...Hollow and I thought I was out of the fog that has engulfed me for the last few weeks...
I was told not to ask for a lighter load but ask for a stronger back - I guess I now know what that means.
Hi Serenity!
So he's now a single Pillock. Wonder what the S will say to him about that!?
Honey - I know the feeling about no sleep. I also go to bed late at night, grab my Bible and say "Right God - just me and you". Sometimes the prayers start out just fine - thanking for the day gone by, praying for friends, family, asking for forgiveness for myself for thinking "things", forgiveness for others including W and the "F!", asking Him to shine a light on my W.
And then it sometimes goes off track. Nothing I can do about it. Just grin and bear it and hope He's still listening to my disjointed thoughts. And can make some sense and dole out a little help.
Only some nights.
Serenity - you have to stay strong. For yourself, for your family and for us.
As Sir Paul McCartney says "We All Stick Together" - not going to try to sing it I promise
Put one foot in front of the other. Waking to find yourself still breathing is a great start to any day.
And the final thought - by me - "The brightest and freshest of days appear after the fox has cleared."
If that was said by someone else (didn't Google to check) my apologies - cheque will be in the Post - with my books!
© Mac
Hi Mac...
It is always nice to know I can count on you and everyone else on here to pick me up when I feel like I just can't do it one more minute...
I know at this moment he "feels" single but it still hurt none the less seeing it...
I am supposed to stay off of his FB and our cell account - Part of my letting go is not checking on how many texts and calls have been made the previous day...I guess I have to add MS to the mix as well...
I never knew loving someone could hurt so deeply
I am going to check on your weekend and see how you have been
Serenity,
On those "off" days I move really, really slow. I sit and look out the window. I look at the trees, notice the grass, the trees, flowers, and wildlife I find. I linger over my coffee.
I might take a bath and make it as hot as possible. Then I wrap myself up in my softest towel. I enjoy the feel of my bed. I rub lotion all over myself.
I allow myself to be a little numb. I recognize I'm hurting but I don't go there.
The point is to look outward, notice things, colors, details, sounds, how it feels to touch things - rather than looking in.
I use the down days as a reset day. I am gentle with myself.
Serenity,
St. John of the Cross called it "the long, dark night of the soul". Many of us people of faith have experienced it. I am experiencing it right now. I was in formation to become an ordained deacon when the bomb was dropped. Suddenly, where I used to be filled with the joy and conviction of the presence of God, I felt nothing. My personal relationship suddenly seemed to be a sham. I'll admit I am still in this darkness, it runs simultaneously with the Great Sadness. But on the advice of formation leaders and ministers, I forge through this time, knowing that God is there. I continue to reflect on one ordained minister who said he went through this, and suddenly one day he felt the presence of God return in an overwhelming way.
One way I work my way through this is instead of my usual "conversational" prayers, prayers where I just generally spoke to God like I was speaking to a friend, I know pray established prayers. I can't talk to Him like I used to be able to because it is difficult to feel His presence. So, I pray the Rosary daily. At night before bed I pray Vespers. During the day, an Our Father here, and a Hail Mary there. When I get hit with bad news, or start to get very negative about my W, I will say the prayer to St. Michael.
Very importantly, you have to know that you are not alone, that many other people of faith go through this. Look at Mother Teresa. When I first felt the emptiness, it was devastating. But then I read about those others who have experienced it and it has helped. I hope this helps you some. I will certainly pray for you.
Wifey...
I just caught myself doing that - Blankly staring out the window...It isn't just one thing on my mind - My mind is racing and the only thought I keep coming back to is self-harm - I can see me sitting in a corner cutting and I am trying to not focus on that - I know that the pain will ebb for a time if I do that but my boys may see it and that is just unacceptable to me...I woke up numb all over and I guess I thought that was over with...I feel so lost and broken and I just can't seem to figure out where to start to even begin to fix this mess...I think your idea of being gentle with myself is perfect and I am going to incorporate that starting today.
Thank you so much - (((Hugs))) to you
Try changing the mantra in your head....
I am strong. I am capable. I am healthy. My life is good.
What we repeat over and over in our heads has a way of influencing our actions. Stop thinking about not cutting, and start thinking about how you make good choices.
You may have to correct your thinking many times before it becomes semi-automatic. Stop visualizing the bad, and start visualizing the good.
Some of the best advice my IC ever gave me...
SD
Serenity,
Please get counseling ASAP. That is not a healthy state of mind at all to be in. If you are even contemplating self harm which you say is on your mind. You need help real fast. You can also call the suicide hotline. Please do something though. You have a lot to live for and you don't need to be hurting yourself. This WILL come to pass. Please take care of yourself. So many of us have been down this road. I can tell you that I felt things yesterday about myself and had thoughts of doing to myself that I don't care to admit on here. I moved passed it after talking to Wifey on the phone. I am seeking counseling myself now. It is just a dark hour right now. But it will get better.
Please get help. You have a lot to live for and your boys need you and always will. They need a healthy strong mom.
Kevin
Orich...
Your post was very moving to me and I thank you so much for your honesty...I have never heard of "the long, dark night of the soul"...I googled it and now I know...That was absolutely how I have been feeling and I am so glad you were able to put it into words...
It is nice to know that during spiritual growth it is normal.
suddenly one day he felt the presence of God return in an overwhelming way.
This is what I am hoping for.
I am new to my religion but not to my faith and for whatever reason, I figured I would always "feel" His presence...
Waking up the last few days, feeling murky and alone has been tough to take...
I will continue to pray throughout the day in the hopes that I may feel Him next to me again very soon.
You have my prayers as well and again thank you very much.
Thank you SD...
After reading what Wifey posted to me I started changing my thinking...
I stopped the yuck thoughts and just focused on the tree I see out the window...
I went and sat outside with my eyes closed pointed to the heavens for a few just to feel the sunshine on my face...
I came back in to a wonderful thoughtful post from Orich...
I came back in to great ideas from you and apparently I have scared K4D (must be his first time here) in what I was thinking so I have to go fix that as well
Serenity,
Please get counseling ASAP. That is not a healthy state of mind at all to be in. If you are even contemplating self harm which you say is on your mind. You need help real fast. You can also call the suicide hotline. Please do something though. You have a lot to live for and you don't need to be hurting yourself. This WILL come to pass. Please take care of yourself. So many of us have been down this road. I can tell you that I felt things yesterday about myself and had thoughts of doing to myself that I don't care to admit on here. I moved passed it after talking to Wifey on the phone. I am seeking counseling myself now. It is just a dark hour right now. But it will get better.
Please get help. You have a lot to live for and your boys need you and always will. They need a healthy strong mom.
Kevin
Thank you K4D...
I do have counseling and while I know it isn't a healthy thought pattern for some, it is for me...
As long as I think it and don't do it, I am still winning my internal battle...
If you look back over my stuff you will see I did this as a form of escaping to many emotions (I have bipolar)...
I have done it since I was 17 and while it isn't healthy, it was all I knew for a long time...
I don't do it anymore so please don't worry...
I have found (finally) other productive ways to release the massive amount of emotions flooding me.
Serenity
I am new around here, but i have been reading your sitch. I am so sorry about what is happening to you.
I feel like i need to make you laugh or something, cuz seriously this stuff is to serious.
You know what tho? When i went to therapy one time, my psychologist said to me "You know? Maybe life isn't for everyone....
Drum roll........
I understand bi polar as my grandmother is that way too. There really isn't any easy way out of the pits. Except maybe to laugh your way out.
I was just laughing my ass of a few minutes ago when my dog farted and woke himself up barking at himself. lol.
Anways, keep your hopes up high. KNOW THAT LIFE WILL NOT BREAK YOU.
I posted this on Orich's thread but i would like to share this with you too:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear
is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness,
that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually who are we not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine as children do.
We were born to make manifest
the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And when we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
Live by this and you can never go wrong.
Good to hear you're starting to feel better Serenity.
I probably posted this before (in a Retrouvaille related angle). When I was in despair, over the failing M, my own feelings of anger, the person my W had become ... I just vented that it was all too much for me when I met with the R folks for advice late at night 2nd day. I was told "Deep, do you believe in God? ... well if you do, you know he won't give you more than you can bear". NOT what I needed though, I knew I was hurting more than I could take. "Well, He is here with you, in the quiet of your own mind, have you tried telling Him it's more than you can bear, and that you'll carry what you can, and ask Him to help you with the rest?"
I did. And somehow, corny or not, walking up to my room after, it was almost like a physical lightening of the load, somehow. The W and I also happened to re-connect for the first time after I entered the room. I was giving her a routine goodnight kiss, she really kissed back and told me she felt me again. It was among the first of a million small steps back that we are still taking.
Have faith
Serenity - don't check on my weekend. Was on a downer until I got a few slaps from a very nice lady (not really slaps but you get my drift).
You know who I mean -
THE Wifey - that woman has heart.
Back to normal now (whatever the heck that means in batsh!tland)
You need to skip the downer stuff - either on your thread or mine.
Not doing anyone an once of good.
Think of the positives - I'd like to consider me being one of them.
New phrase - down is out. Not going to do it - not going there - not a cat in hells chance.
Hugs honey.
If I can do it you can to
Mac
Hi Undrdg...
I welcome you to the place none of us want to be...I thank you for the laughs you have given me but more importantly I thank you for the wonderful words you posted...I printed them out and put them in my book I carry with me...I will come and check out your sitch
Oh Mac...
He just texted me for money...
I didn't respond right away...
Stepped away from my desk and went back outside...
What do I do with this?
Good to hear you're starting to feel better Serenity.
I probably posted this before (in a Retrouvaille related angle). When I was in despair, over the failing M, my own feelings of anger, the person my W had become ... I just vented that it was all too much for me when I met with the R folks for advice late at night 2nd day. I was told "Deep, do you believe in God? ... well if you do, you know he won't give you more than you can bear". NOT what I needed though, I knew I was hurting more than I could take. "Well, He is here with you, in the quiet of your own mind, have you tried telling Him it's more than you can bear, and that you'll carry what you can, and ask Him to help you with the rest?"
I did. And somehow, corny or not, walking up to my room after, it was almost like a physical lightening of the load, somehow. The W and I also happened to re-connect for the first time after I entered the room. I was giving her a routine goodnight kiss, she really kissed back and told me she felt me again. It was among the first of a million small steps back that we are still taking.
Have faith
There are no words to express my sincerest thanks for this Deep...These words you spoke are exactly what I needed to hear and I thank you very much
And the answer is -
1. Wait
2. Share
3. Don't take it personal
4. Bulldust - what did you tell me? And what should you do?
Ahhh - scrap 1 through 3 stick to number 4.
What gives with him Serenity? You can't answer that can you?
Breath - swear a bit - focus on yourself.
Going to cook 4 x burgers. This WILL wait. BRB
Hugs
Mac
I have no answer sweets....
I hate not giving him anything he asks for but why should I pay for him to live elsewhere when he is banging FT?
Makes me feel sick and this is not eliminating the weight I already feel today
IF it was me
I would be asking him what for.
Crack a joke.
And let him wait.
Yes you are a positive I count
That sounds like a good idea undrdg...Let's see what it brings to me today
No jokes...
Just how much...
He stated an amount and that he needed food
Now do I give him some?
I like to see it as a sign that he still comes to me instead of FT however a part of me also feels used.
Serenity - NO
No jokes. This isn't a joke. H made a decision like my W did. And HAS to face the consequences of HIS actions.
And your advice to me when she told me about her knickers falling apart?
Remember?
Sorry to remind you honey - but you gave very good advice.
Gonna hurt I know. But NO Serenity. No.
He must go to the FT. And again NO!
With you in this.
Mac
He wants money?
Ha. Silly, crazy, goofy, foggy alien. Whatta maroon.
You wait and let him squirm, and then you text back,
"Sorry, H. I wish I could help you, but unfortunately, I can't. Gotta pay the bills and take care of the kids. Hope you can figure something out."
Or something like that.
Why would you give him any money? Aren't you strapped as it is? HE made a choice, and if your $$$ was that important, he would have stayed. This is a consequence of his actions, though you shouldn't phrase it that way to him.
You owe him nothing, which is sort of how he's treating you.
Can't you see the humor? Detach...you will. Pain is a wonderful teaching tool. If you D, where does he think his money is going to come from?
Aliens *rolls eyes*.
:)SD
Serentity
If he is having an MLC and PA, the other woman is probably making him feel young again or something to that effect.
I believe you need to start acting young too. I believe you need to know that you are an attractive and that men desire you too.
I think you need to gain your confidence back before you can think about getting him back.
GAL.
Be happy.
Tell me what are the things you enjoy doing in your spare time?
What is something you have always wanted to do but haven't?
You could look up a food pantry online and send him that information. OR homeless shelters. Or suggest he panhandle on the street.
Wait, not the third one.
I'd bet big money the cash is NOT for food. Really, wonderful FT is letting him starve? REALLY???
Not.
Manipulative.
Find a food pantry/pantries and send him that info. Refer him to a church as they might help him out. Churches are like that.
I might be tempted to buy a whole bunch of canned beans and some tortillas and send him a care package. You know, outta the kindness of my heart and all.
Don't fall for it. Let him ask the tramp for cash.
SD
SD - spot on - manipulative - was in my case and the pillock is doing it to you Serenity.
Mac
mac-ct
I did read her sitch. No disrespect taken. I was just giving my opion.
Being serious about this isn't helping her state of mind. SO i figured if you inject some laughter it might help.
I dont' see what it will hurt. If he is being manipulative and evil, and you know it, call him on it. Make fun of him. Look at all the pain he is causing serenity anyway. Dont you think she needs a good laugh?
But hey, its all good. Different perspectives can't hurt right? Do whatever works, is what DB is all about right?
Hi undrdg,
Glad you took my post as it was intended (btw - I deleted the thing but not until you had hit the refresh button).
There sure are ways for the crisis to be handled. Many of them. And you may be right in your take on things.
My opinion? Not the right thing to do at this time.
Mac
LMAO SD you are a jewel and I loved your last post...Apparently I waited to long to answer because he just called as well...
I might be tempted to buy a whole bunch of canned beans and some tortillas and send him a care package. You know, outta the kindness of my heart and all.
As bad as it makes me feel I know you are all right so *gulp* I will say no...
He asks because I make more then him...
I did just speak to him...
He asked where our oldest son was (at his Grandmas'),
He asked about the little one (doing just fine thanks),
He asked if I knew where his bluetooth was (trash but he doesn't know that - threw all his stuff out that he left behind the night he bailed), told him I didn't,
He asked for a hundered bucks, said I didn't have it...
He asked me how I was doing, just fine thank you,
Said he was good, good (got that the first time again thanks)...
Said he spoke to oldest this past weekend through MS (already knew that) and then he said I love you baby...
That is when my guilt kicks in
Boo for mind games.
I hate that.
He literally said I love you baby? Why would anyone say that unless he is trying to get you to melt so you will do something for him.
Next time he says that, say awwww thank you and hang up lol.
Leave that motza ball out there for him. LOL ofcourse you don't have to do that but hey.
Be strong!
Read Greatest fear again.
Make yourself feel better.
The I love you baby is manipulative.
Really, he loves you SO much that he snuck out like a dirty dog while you were at work?
He loves you so much that he's got something going on with a scabies-havin' tramp?
He loves you SO MUCH that he's at home with you, working to put the R on track?
I have no doubt he loves you, but that's not why he said that.
ACTIONS, not words. Words are easy and cheap. Actions speak more truth than anything.
Honey, in these types of situations, if we don't laugh, we cry. I remember long nights online here with people who were in similar situations where we'd all pour a glass of wine and find the humor in what our aliens were doing. It was a lifesaver.
Don't own his crazy.
You are not a bad person because you set a boundary and are letting your H suffer the natural consequences of his actions. Let him figure it out on his own since he's so smart.
(((Serenity)))
SD
Yes Undrdg those are his actual words - Always when we have a phone conversation - I have it printed right here next to me...Haven't had a chance to put it in my book and I will be re-reading it a lot I think lol
SD...I am loving having you here...You keep it real as well as inject some humor into it...Thank you for that!
I could really use a glass of wine right about now but I will admit I sure feel better then I did when I came into work this morning.
Since you seem to have a handle on this - Why does he still tell me he loves me? If he is so happy with FT and his new life, why hasn't he filed?
Don't own his crazy will now become my mantra from this day forward.
Thank you again!
((((SD))))
Serenity - you did it girl. So proud of you.
SD - you really know your stuff.
undrdg - apologies.
A very tired Mac
mac-ct? apologies for what? none needed.
(((Mac)))
Thanks my friend...
Still makes me feel like a "B" word...
Just by that action, it has set off a torrent of negative thoughts going through my head (as I am sure you can imagine)...
Need some wine darnit... (j/k I am at work)
Apologies to Undrdg? Did I miss something?
Hi Serenity, I dont think i've posted to you before but i have been following along here. I have to say I am sorry for what you are going thru. some of these last posts here made me laugh. And some of the comments I can totally use. And i think you are right, sometimes you just have to laugh, seeing how ridiculous H is being without him even seeming to notice. Today I was laughing to myself, bc thats all you can do sometimes. And I love the 'Don't own his crazy' line, I am keeping that one.
Hi Hope...
I have seen you around and followed your sitch but haven't posted to you neither - Have to fix that
It is crazy and some of the responses I got had me laughing out loud...
That is a good thing since I was so off kilter today and I am finally feeling better...
I think I should get "Don't own his crazy" tattooed somewhere so I can look at it each and every single day!
Im glad you are feeling a bit better now, somedays just completely take it out of ya and then its hard to get back on track. But at least your getting back on track, thats the important part.
Can you imagine what a conversation starter that tattoo would be!
LOL...
It would be a great one I think...
Though Hubby may not like what it stands for
Speaking of which...
Check out my next post...
Coming up in a few minutes
As happened last Monday, hubby just came by here...
Asking all kinds of questions about me, work, the boys, Church etc...
He was here for about 10 minutes and just like last week he got called away but not before planting another one on me along with quite a few I love you's...
I answered him businesslike and in short answers like I was guided to do but the moment his mouth hit mine DAMN (I know Mac I know - I asked for forgivness for the cursing) all bets were off...
Why does he do this now all of a sudden?
I spoke to my SIL and she said "He is seeking you out" not the other way around..."Granted it is a small step but he is coming to you" so whatever I am doing must be working to confuse him and make him rethink what he is doing...
Does this sound about right?
Hey Serenity,
Yes..it sounds right...though I would like to point out something more as well...what you're doing is working for you - that's what's happening first - and if he comes around, that's kind of a bonus - which is to say, I hope you continue in your hard work - and in taking care of yourself and your children in the healthiest of ways. Just don't allow your progress to hinge on his reactions/responses...keep doing what you're doing...and you'll be fine no matter what the outcome.
-Carlos.
Thank you Carlos for the gentle reminder
So basically it is like this...
I don't call or text or email at all even about the kids (I handle it myself however if it was an emergency I would let him know)...
Every 6-7 days I get a random text from him or maybe a call...
He stops by here last Monday as well as today and acts as if everything is normal between us...
He kisses me like we were honeymooning, hugs me, says he loves me and then drives off like he is mad - (That I still don't get)...
Going dark is much easier when he isn't living there but it seems to take everything I have to not contact him...
So by Thursday/Friday I am good (after a Monday visit) and then it starts all over again the following week...
Is this some sort of sick test?
Serenity -
take yourself off of his roller coaster...and just take anything and everything at face value - no expectations, no assumptions, no analyzing - it will help you protect yourself and your emotions. It's hard to get there - but being detached, even with love, can be so very healthy for you.
Don't try to make sense of why he's driving off like he's mad...maybe he is, maybe he isn't...either way...you still have to be the same person for yourself and your kids...For me it was about discovering a healthy way to focus on myself - without feeling like I was being self-centered.
-Carlos.
DON'T OWN HIS CRAZY -
Now I see what that means...
Ok back to focusing on my boys and myself...
No face value...
Accept what is with no expectation for the outcome...
Thank you Carlos
Good Morning all...
I wanted to send a thanks to you all who hung in here with me yesterday...
Today is a better day...
Still feel a little off but thanks to Orich I now know it is ok...
I hope you all have a wonderful and blessed day!
And remember, the next time he tells you an ILY, just tell him "yeah, and I love me now too. Thanks for reminding me why that's important."
Hope your day goes well too!
And remember, the next time he tells you an ILY, just tell him "yeah, and I love me now too.
Oh, I like that!
Thank you Deep...I would love to be able to say that however not sure I have it in me...I am the consumate people pleaser and won't say anything to hurt anyones' feelings unless I absolutely have to...Took all I had to be businesslike yesterday when he was here
Thank you Deep...I would love to be able to say that however not sure I have it in me...I am the consumate people pleaser and won't say anything to hurt anyones' feelings unless I absolutely have to...Took all I had to be businesslike yesterday when he was here
Try it; you might find you like it. Maybe start out with, "Thanks, I love me too."
You know, other people's happiness isn't your responsibility. Will you sacrifice yourself and your own happiness forever so that you can act in a way that is pleasing to others? I've watched my H martyr himself for years...it was such a source of his personal unhappiness. He's better than he used to be...but my boundary was that he couldn't drag me into his crazy.
I do things to please other people all the time, but I do things that please me simultaneously. I'll make a smoothie and offer my H some; he's happy I did something for him (big gifts and acts of service guy), and I'm making a cup of joy for myself. But I won't sacrifice myself for anyone else...uh uh.
It's okay to say you love yourself. It's okay not to reply as you're "supposed" to. Being "nice" is no substitute for being completely authentic and true to yourself.
Live truthfully. It's tough at first, but since I rarely compromise who I am anymore, I have no regrets or worries. Others' opinions about me and what I do are THEIR business, not mine.
Besides, your H is baiting you. Keep you on the hook because he's a big chicken and not really sure what he wants. So he keeps tossing you little pieces in the hope you'll keep worrying over him.
SD
Serenity, do you know this poem:
Footprints in the sand
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.
This really bothered Him and He questioned the LORD about it. LORD you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.
The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
Carolyn Carty, 1963
It is an excellent reminder of how much the Lord loves us.
God bless!
I love that poem, have seen it around for years and think of it often.
Serenity I too have a problem pleasing others, but am working on it. Have gotten better but still working. Good advice in SD's post, I needed to read that. Thanks!
Orich thank you - Besides the Serenity Prayer - Footsteps is my favorite but I haven't read it in awhile and I needed that reminder
SD -
Thank you for your words of wisdom...I needed the kick on the butt
I will be honest...The thing that most worries me is that by acting like that he will think I am "done" with him and us and then there won't be a chance for our marriage...
That is why I have such a hard time I think with all the DBing and the 180's and the GAL...Showing him I don't need him and he in turn has the FT sitting there "needing" him so why would he choose me?
I am doing better then I was when I first got on here but I still have the fear of losing him based on my reactions to him...That sounds stupid I know but it is what I feel.
I will be honest...The thing that most worries me is that by acting like that he will think I am "done" with him and us and then there won't be a chance for our marriage...
We've all thought that at one time or another I bet...It's not true...They have no reason to change anything if they think we're there for them whenever THEY need us.
Just remember doing this is for you and your life not his.
SD -
I will be honest...The thing that most worries me is that by acting like that he will think I am "done" with him and us and then there won't be a chance for our marriage...
That is why I have such a hard time I think with all the DBing and the 180's and the GAL...Showing him I don't need him and he in turn has the FT sitting there "needing" him so why would he choose me?
Don't beat yourself up...remember, be gentle with yourself. We all feel that way in the midst of this, that's why so many people say DBing feels counterintuitive.
I'm not saying take an eff-you attitude, just an independent attitude. An I'd prefer to be with you, but I'll be just fine and dandy without you if it comes to it attitude.
Confidence and strength are sexy. Neediness is not. Plus, men like the chase...people like the chase. It's why, even though we were not particularly happy in our M, we suddenly feel a rush a love and panic when the bomb is dropped.
Your H already left the you that is the pleaser, yes? I want you SO MUCH to know your value, your worth. Not intellectually, but in your gut. I had this intense experience after a big IC session where my C pointed out I criticized myself constantly, which was completely true. My value (in my mind) was dependent upon others bestowing it upon me instead of just inherent.
Well, I was walking into Michael's craft store about an hour or so after the session when it hit me: I am already valuable the way I am now, no changes, flaws and all. I am okay. I am flawed like every other human, but I have value. And I got all tingly and started to cry. It was like the world was cracked open for me that day, and it started a profound healing process for me where I started to act like a valuable person instead of trying to get others to confirm it for me.
This feels like work you need to do...am I off track?
So your H will see this woman who respects herself, has confidence, maybe a sassy little attitude; he will notice how beautiful that makes you look as when we're steeped in happiness and strength it just flows out like nobody's business. And his attention will be drawn.
Meanwhile, Ms. Tramp will sense the energetic shift, the change in attention. SHE will become needy, whiny, angry, clingy...
And who do you think is the more attractive option?
What if you spent some time in the next few days writing a love letter to yourself? What do you love about yourself? Carry it with you and reread it whenever you're feeling weak or sad or whatever.
Remember who you are.
If your H doesn't love who you are, then do you really want to be with him? Is it worth compromising what you want for your life in order to keep him?
My answer was no, and so I embraced my strengths and worked on my weaknesses and decided my best had to be good enough. I discovered how to be happy.
You will too.
SD
SD -
I will be honest...The thing that most worries me is that by acting like that he will think I am "done" with him and us and then there won't be a chance for our marriage...
That is why I have such a hard time I think with all the DBing and the 180's and the GAL...Showing him I don't need him and he in turn has the FT sitting there "needing" him so why would he choose me?
Don't beat yourself up...remember, be gentle with yourself. We all feel that way in the midst of this, that's why so many people say DBing feels counterintuitive.
I'm not saying take an eff-you attitude, just an independent attitude. An I'd prefer to be with you, but I'll be just fine and dandy without you if it comes to it attitude.
Confidence and strength are sexy. Neediness is not. Plus, men like the chase...people like the chase. It's why, even though we were not particularly happy in our M, we suddenly feel a rush a love and panic when the bomb is dropped.
Your H already left the you that is the pleaser, yes? I want you SO MUCH to know your value, your worth. Not intellectually, but in your gut. I had this intense experience after a big IC session where my C pointed out I criticized myself constantly, which was completely true. My value (in my mind) was dependent upon others bestowing it upon me instead of just inherent.
Well, I was walking into Michael's craft store about an hour or so after the session when it hit me: I am already valuable the way I am now, no changes, flaws and all. I am okay. I am flawed like every other human, but I have value. And I got all tingly and started to cry. It was like the world was cracked open for me that day, and it started a profound healing process for me where I started to act like a valuable person instead of trying to get others to confirm it for me.
This feels like work you need to do...am I off track?
So your H will see this woman who respects herself, has confidence, maybe a sassy little attitude; he will notice how beautiful that makes you look as when we're steeped in happiness and strength it just flows out like nobody's business. And his attention will be drawn.
Meanwhile, Ms. Tramp will sense the energetic shift, the change in attention. SHE will become needy, whiny, angry, clingy...
And who do you think is the more attractive option?
What if you spent some time in the next few days writing a love letter to yourself? What do you love about yourself? Carry it with you and reread it whenever you're feeling weak or sad or whatever.
Remember who you are.
If your H doesn't love who you are, then do you really want to be with him? Is it worth compromising what you want for your life in order to keep him?
My answer was no, and so I embraced my strengths and worked on my weaknesses and decided my best had to be good enough. I discovered how to be happy.
You will too.
SD
Nice SD.
Cheers
SD...
"My value (in my mind) was dependent upon others bestowing it upon me instead of just inherent."
You just described me in this one sentence...
I don't feel value most especially since this started, I guess because I always looked to him to value me and I need to shift my focus and see where my value comes from...
The letter sounds like a good idea so I will do that tonight...
I am not sure what I am looking for but hoping it will come to me..
"If your H doesn't love who you are, then do you really want to be with him? Is it worth compromising what you want for your life in order to keep him?"
The answer to that is no....I just need to figure out who the real me is and what I want out of my life for myself and no one else.
Thank you for all your words of wisdom - I truly appreciate them
The Courage To Let Go
As children bring their broken toys,
With tears, for us to mend;
I brought my broken dreams to God because he is my friend.
But then instead of leaving him in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help with ways that were my own.
At last, I snatched them back and cried,
"How could you be so slow?"
"My child," He said, "What could I do?
You never did let go...."
- Anonymous
Perfect lesson in patience and God's will
SD,
That was a great post!
Two thumbs up...
-AlexEN
Serenity -
Couldn't resist giving you a goodnight hug.
HUG!
Mac (ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz)
OMG Serenity!
" The Courage To Let Go " was awesome! I loved it!!
I know what you mean about acting happy around them. I often wonder the same thing. If I seem to be just fine, will he think she's just fine with everything and think we're doing the right thing about getting a D.
You don't want to seem too happy
BUT
you don't want to seem needy
I just try to find a middle ground and stick to it.
Although I wouldn't mind him thinking the reason I'm so happy is because I might be seeing someone after all this time.
I wonder if the green eyed monster would ever surface.
MJ
You are correct MJ...The middle ground is so hard to find especially when it feels like you are walking in quicksand
Journaling...
Hubby just stopped by here...
Went outside to talk to him...
He stands there and acts like nothing is wrong...
Talks as if all is just perfectly rosy between us...
Hugs and kisses once again...
Asked me why I was so dressed up (Church class tonight) and I told him once again (twice yesterday)I had class tonight...
He didn't stay long and I wanted to just beg him to please come home...
To please stop sharing your life with the FT...
How can he stand there and profess his love to me and show affection to me and then turn around and leave like nothing is wrong?
He is the one who wanted out, he is the one who didn't want me, he is the one who left yet I am the one he comes to when he needs something...My MIL says it is because I am his only lifeline to reality...A part of me feels like running...I won't but today I want to.
Refocus dangit - The confusion snakes are out in full force - CRAP it all
Serenity - stand your ground honey. You are NOT on the defensive.
Thinks that H is finally working out that the grass needs cutting on the other side
Hugs honey!
Mac
Hey you can't say crap! It's supposed to be "cr@p"
Mac - on the way to cooker.
Catch u on the morrow.
Sweet dreams.
Mac
Thanks Mac for always offering a smile to me...Funny my MIL said almost the same thing last night about him coming to the realization that "Happy Land" isn't as happy as he thought it would be...Again then WHY isn't he home??
Sweet dreams to you as well as many many ((((Hugs))))
Thanks Mac for always offering a smile to me...Funny my MIL said almost the same thing last night about him coming to the realization that "Happy Land" isn't as happy as he thought it would be...Again then WHY isn't he home??
Hmmm...because it takes them some time to:
1) Fully realize they're idiots and the fantastic life they'd imagined in alien-dream-fantasy land is, in the end, sorta crappy;
2) Fully realize they've made a huge mistake, especially since you're so darn fabulous with your GAL and 180s and you seem so much happier and healthier than he does (and Ms. Scabies);
3) Fully realize the extent of the damage they've caused and begin to feel the worry and anxiety of losing you, this fabulous woman that he now knows he doesn't deserve;
4) Get over their shame, embarrassment, and egos enough to draw up the courage to come back with their skunky tails between their legs because:
*they worry you'll punish them for the rest of their lives
*they worry you'll tell them HELL NO when they ask to come
back;
*they're afraid to admit their faults and mistakes.
#4 is where some of them get hung up. Their egos can't survive what they've done, and so they move on to avoid the shame and embarrassment. This is where the LBS has to demonstrate unconditional love for the S without condoning or liking the actions for the S.
You might think about what you'd require of your H BEFORE you allow him to return to your home with your children. What must he agree to? No contact? Transparency? Marriage counseling? Start thinking about this, and get clear about the things that will be required to heal yourself and this marriage if he wants to reconcile.
I will tell you...piecing has a lot of ups and downs, especially for the LBS. After fighting for so long, I was surprised to reach a point where I was absolutely furious with my H and questioning whether I wanted to continue, and this was many months into piecing. A lot of hard work has to happen there.
Have you begun working on figuring out who you are and what you want out of life? Who is Serenity? Find that beautiful, amazing woman inside of you. What's she like?
SD
SDFG: absolutely. Detaching for your own sanity and moving on has its consequences, even deep into the recovery period. You find yourself again, you gear yourself for life on your own terms without WAW if necessary. It's a bit disorientating at times to piece, much less when the feelings of resentment and hurt surface.
Yups, when hubby dearest decides to wake up, he'll crawl back and think you can both move on like it's buried in the dark past, with no need to resolve anything about what happened with the A.
SD - great post.
4) Get over their shame, embarrassment, and egos enough to draw up the courage to come back......
that's where some of them get hung up. Their egos can't survive what they've done, and so they move on to avoid the shame and embarrassment. This is where the LBS has to demonstrate unconditional love for the S without condoning or liking the actions for the S.
Spot on. I actually do love my W (surprise
) but I definitely do not love how she's handled this sitch.
Serenity, SD, Deep - sleep well.
Catch u later after a full day at work
Mac
SD - Again I thank you for your insight...
The first thing I did when I read DR was make a list of what needed to be done in order for us to overcome this...
Not just things for him but for myself as well...
Some for him - absolutely NC with either exes, FB and MS closed, no secret email accounts, change his phone number, complete transparency as well as marriage counseling so we don't end up back in this same sitch 5 years from now...My trust is no longer given freely and it has to be earned back...
Some for me - Time for us alone...We always have one or both boys with us no matter what and never made time for each other...Patience is something I lacked and I have learned about rather quickly...Realizing he isn't here to provide my happiness, I provide that on my own...Forgiveness (though probably won't ever forget) is something I have been working on and to me that means not throwing it up in his face every chance I get...
I refuse to allow him to come back and sweep this all under the rug like it never happened...We have to deal with it together and only then can we move onto a stronger better marriage then before...
In my mind as long as he is still talking to the OW then all bets are off...
I get up each day, say my prayers, spend time with the little one and then off to work I go...
I am trying to keep him in the back of my mind instead of the front...
There are days I seem to pray more then I talk and then other days I just send up thanks for all I have...
I don't want to live in the past and hubby has a real problem with living in the present (always has)...
Something goes wrong and bam he is back to calling his old HS GF - From day one of our marriage this has happened...
Everything good and then a few years down the road and she is once again in the picture...
This has happened around 6 times (though no EA/PA) and I am tired of it...
This time he pulls his old middle school GF out of the past and took it way to far...
Somehow he has to work on that as well because I can't do this again...
I would absolutely break...
I tried to write myself a letter but wanted you to know that I have been unable to find any value in myself...I rack my mind and come up with nothing - How sad is that however I am still working on it...
"#4 is where some of them get hung up. Their egos can't survive what they've done, and so they move on to avoid the shame and embarrassment." My greatest fear in all this mess
And that last part of that last paragraph is what we all feel (unless we've given up).
Enjoy your day - I'll try to do the same with my evening
Hugs Serenity.
Mac
Not giving up - Just trying to face this fear I have...
Trying to face all my fears - Turning my fears into faith
Enjoy your night my friend
(((Hugs)))
Trying to face all my fears - Turning my fears into faith
Fear knocked on the door, Faith answered. No one was there.
Thank you Coach...That is what I needed
So you have no value? You're just a mushy pile of stinking, stupid goo?
Try again, and do this for me. When you think of something and that little voice starts to put you down and tell you you're not valuable because of that or whatever, I want you to ask, Is that true? Especially with those always or never or shoulds that creep into your mind.
Begin to question your thoughts instead of accepting them as true. Write a love letter to yourself...I love me because I am not a quitter. I value myself and my marriage. I love my kids, and I know I would do anything in my power to keep them happy and healthy. I have the courage to stand and face this challenge instead of running away. I am continuing to work and provide the best I can for my family.
And so on.
You are valuable because you exist on this planet.
Start questioning that self-talk.
SD
Serenity -
We ALL love you. You've been through far more than I and come through the ring-piece.
Watch (I am). Wait (I will). Have faith (I do). Lean on friends (like me).
Hon - we may be on opposite sides of the planet but we're both in the same boat. Lets row together.
HUGS
Mac
Thank you SD for your kind words...
For you I will try once again and keep pushing the darn voice away...
I try and write something and then the voice says nope remember this...
Ack
Mac - Thank you as well...
We shall row together
Working day is almost over so I wish you all a good night and I will see you tomorrow...
(((Hugs))) to you all.
For SD & Myself...
Dear Me,
What do I value in myself?...
I tried to do this on paper but kept throwing it away so I will try it this way...
I like myself...
I value my faith, my children, my marriage and parts of me...
Would I change some things? Of course, who wouldn't however I am working on it...
I love that I am 5'10...
I love that I have long legs, blue eyes and real blonde hair...
I love that I have a sensitive heart which at times is to big and to giving...
I love my smile and what moves me to laugh...
I love what my past has made me today...
I love that I don't give up...
I may try but I always pick myself up, dust myself off and move forward regardless of the circumstances...
I am not a quitter and I can honestly say that...
I am not a loser...
I am worthy of love and respect and tenderness...
I am worthy of a man who can love me the way I love him, with his whole heart...
A man who would never hurt me for his own selfish reasons...
I love that I am healthy as are my children...
I love that I woke up this morning, regardless of what is going on, I still have another chance to make this a joyful day...
I love that I am sensitive, caring and kind to others...
I love that I strive to treat people the way I want to be treated in return...
I love that a part of me is ever careful...
Just a small part however it protects me from making huge mistakes...
I love that I can get deeply in touch with all my emotions at one time, though others around me may not like it
I love that I am finally laughing again and the numbness is starting to wear off...
I love that I haven't allowed the anger to overtake me...
I love that I am trying to put my best foot forward no matter what anyone says to me...
I love that I can tie a knot in a cherry stem with my tongue...
I love the inner peace my children fill me with...
I love that God is standing right beside me no matter what, even when I can't feel Him, I know He is right there...
I love that I am not ashamed to cry...
I love myself...Not just like myself, I love myself...
I am a beautiful woman - Holy crap I said it - I am a beautiful woman...
Serenity, I have never seen you, but I know you are a beautiful woman!
Great list, by the way. WHat a great idea.
You totally made me tear up!
Now, go back and REREAD what you wrote. *These* are the things you have to work on putting into your head in place of the ugly way your brain talks to you usually. I call that little voice my "muppet," which thinks he knows more than he actually does, and I have to retrain him, reteach him little by little.
A teacher friend of mine says she looks at the negative muppet voice as a call to action...like, it means she doesn't feel strong enough in whatever area Mr. Muppet is talking about, and that means she has to face whatever it is, learn whatever she needs to learn, and redirect the muppet with the new information.
PRINT YOUR LIST OUT. WHENEVER YOU START FEELING BAD/DOUBTFUL/SCARED/WORRIED/ETC., READ IT!
Wear it on your person if you can. In your wallet, somewhere with you all the time. It seems nutty, but there's something about knowing the list is with you, that you can reread it frequently, that helps the negative script start to turn. The first step is becoming aware of that voice and it's lies; the second step is reeducating that voice with the truth.
You ARE beautiful, remember that.
SD
Thank you Orich...I truly appreciate your kind words
SD...
It took me about 2 hours to make this list and once I started, it just flowed...
I then took most of the day off to just hang with myself...
Went to the mall and bookstore and then found myself in tears at another store...
Just walking along looking at stuff and I could feel the burn begin...
I wasn't even really thinking of anything in particular...
It was like something was set loose inside so I left the store and sat in my car...
It wasn't a sobbing, snotty, out of breath cry...
Just tears...
Healing tears I think because when all was said and done, I felt better then I have in awhile...
I didn't think of anything at that point in time, I just let them fall, then I thought of the list...
I printed it out and it is in my wallet and I thank you for making me try once again...
You are truly a wonderful inspiration to all you encounter
Mini Journal -
Went to the gas station last night, was walking back to my car (using my brother's car til I can get one) and I was hit on by a man...
I haven't been hit on in forever...
He chatted me up and then let me know he was single and I in turn let him know I was married...
(He was very respectful but more so when I said I was married...
Got in my car and drove off...
Then noticed I had a smile on my face...
It was a great ego boost for me and made me think of hubby and how he used to say nice things...
But this time I didn't get sad when I thought of hubby, I was ok...
I saw him today...
His tag expires at the end of the month and I had the renewal and instead of wanting me to send it to him in the mail, he met me at the DMV office (and had the same actions as the last few times I have seen him)...
Baby steps
Morning Serenity,
Malls also make me cry
Girl - you collecting admirers! I'm getting the feeling you're going to give me the brush off soon
Glad things are calming down in Serenity land.
You keep going forward. Doesn't matter how fast - just forward.
Hugs!
Mac
Morning Serenity,
You've gone awful quiet.
I hope it's because you're out and about.
I'll pop back in here later after work.
(((((Serenity)))))
Mac
Hey all..I am here...Just needed a few days to think...Still at a crossroads and waiting to see what to do next...I have so many questions and doubt/confusion/fear has clouded my judgement...Waiting on a sign I guess to see what my next move is.
Here's your sign. Replace
doubt/confusion/fear has clouded my judgement...
with certainty/focus/love/faith and your path will be clear. Don't look in the rear view mirror to see where to go. Moving forward for you is good, forward is not a straight line. Forward is just not here. You are not alone, you are not the first down this path, and you will survive but you must take the steps by yourself. You can handle it.
Cheers
Thank you Coach...
I try so hard to not focus on him and her and what they are doing however the last few days I have come to the conclusion they are living together (he said he lived on his own alone) and I am having a hard time dealing with it...The lies are astronomical and I am at the point that I don't know what to believe anymore when he talks to me. Last night I actually questioned our whole marriage and whether he ever loved me...I had the last 3 days off of work and a very idle mind which isn't a good thing.
A question for any of you...
I have been trying to read the books I see noted on here (DB & DR of course)...
I haven't read the 5 Languages of Love (I think that is what it is called) yet and I recently purchased Love Must Be Tough...
I have been reading it since last night...It seems to kinda go against DR from what I have seen (Just got the the point where he says send a letter to the WAS "letting them go")...
Do any of you apply those techniques and get better results or do you mainly stick with what we discuss here?
Hi Serenity -
While it's not in the DB/DR books (so far as I recall), I think those letters are also advocated here. They're sometimes referred to as letters of release - and I think a lot of us have written them - some sent, some just written and filed away. That letter can be a very powerful way to let yourself know where you are - and also a way of letting your S know that you are comfortable enough with yourself to let him do what he has to do...it's part of reaching a point of being loving though detached.
I've never read the book Love Must be Tough - so I can't really speak to that one, though.
I thought the Five Languages was pretty useful.
One of the best books I read is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work - by Gottman...which, ironically, I read after I had decided I no longer wanted to work on my marriage...
-Carlos.
Thanks Carlos...I am not sure if I should write one to him or not...We had an interesting exchange of text messaging earlier...
Went something like this...
(He wanted to come by my work - It is payday and for now we split everything)
Me - I won't be in until later this afternoon - I have an appt. at 11
Him - Appt. for what?
Me - To tie up some loose ends in my life.
Him - What loose ends?
Me - There is a lot of uncertainty in my life and I have now realized I control that and no one else, so it is time to take my control back.
Him - Appt. at Church?
Me - No
Him - Don't wanna say?
Me - No response
Him - (3 times)Is this your first appt.?
Me - It seems to be time to give you what you wanted all along.
Him - Where are you at right now?
Me - No response....Then the calls started...
I just went about my business...Did I have an appt. at a lawyer as he is thinking - No...
I had to pick up my stuff out of my repoed truck...
It is a tying of loose ends and I did have an appt. with them at 11...
As for giving him what he wanted - Well he always thought I was paying to much a month so by not having that car payment, he now has something he wanted...
Dirty on my end? Maybe...However that is how I do my 180's - Mysterious is now my middle name
Hehehehehehehehehehe. Good for you. I didn't ever provide more information than was asked for with my H, but he never probed. He isn't the type. But I could watch his brain turning...and I enjoyed every last moment of it.
Now, your H might push you further, might even accuse you of filing for D. And that's when you look at him wide-eyed and say, "Wherever did you get that idea? I only took care of some business I needed to take care of."
You owe him no further explanation.
Still chuckling...
SD
Thank you SD...
It means a lot to me to hear from you and to hear I am doing it right (finally lol)...
I thought I would feel bad by being evasive but the more he texted back, the bigger the smile on my face became...
I could see the wheels turning via text and a part of me did feel a smidge bad however I squashed that portion down
You owe him no further explanation.
AGREED!!!
Thanks Puppy!
I thought I would feel bad by being evasive but the more he texted back, the bigger the smile on my face became...
I could see the wheels turning via text and a part of me did feel a smidge bad however I squashed that portion down
Whooo Whooo - feels good don't it?
Serenity - I have bone to pick with you - your namesake fish is beginning to beat up mine - what does that tell you
I see you've picked up some great friends here. Hope I'm still included in that gang.
Hugs Serenity - loads and loads of hugs.
Mac (is nearly back if my W lets me alone for a while
)
Thank you SD...
It means a lot to me to hear from you and to hear I am doing it right (finally lol)...
I thought I would feel bad by being evasive but the more he texted back, the bigger the smile on my face became...
I could see the wheels turning via text and a part of me did feel a smidge bad however I squashed that portion down
squashed,squashed,squashed,squashed,squashed goes those feelings and the smile gets bigger.
Most of us that write letters don't actually send them. It is just to get that stuff out of you and on paper.
Mac - Hugs to you and your W...I have enjoyed seeing your updates though I have been absent the last couple of days - Needed a breather
I am sorry my namesake isn't playing very nice
I will always consider you my friend....
That won't change...
We have been down a horrible road (all of us have) and I find strength in the people I have met along this road (That includes you)...
You are in my prayers my friend
Wifey - Thank you...
Squashed is right and I am hoping that one day I can do that all day long when the "bad" feelings start seeping into my head...
Since that last conversation, he hasn't spoken to me...
Then of course the guilt/worry/fear starts and I have to squash those feelings down as well...
I wish so bad I could stop second guessing myself at every turn but I haven't quite figured out how to do that yet...
So I pray - A LOT...
I will say this - Regardless of how I am feeling on any given day, I am proud of who I am at this point in time
Question
H has a birthday on Sunday...
Do I acknowledge it or just allow the kids to get him a card?
Not sure what to do at this junction...
Things seem to be coming around very slowly and I don't want to rock the boat...
Have a wonderful blessed day to you all! (((Hugs)))
H has a birthday on Sunday...
Do I acknowledge it or just allow the kids to get him a card?
Not sure what to do at this junction...
My H had a birthday last weekend. I got him a very simple generic Happy Birthday card, signed it with "hope you have a good one" and left it where he'd see it.
It was sad for me bc I always take time to get a really good card and I always sign it with I Love You but this time- I did neither. Apparently he found it bc later he said thank you for the card, to which I replied you're welcome.
The kids got him a card on their own as well.
For what it's worth...
Hey Serenity ~
When my H had a Birthday, I got him a Giant Cookie that was decorated with Happy Birthday. I left it on the island in the kitchen for him to find on the morning of his Birthday. I did not get him a card, because the cookie said it all.
I also got him a set of DVD's which he still hasn't opened.
Don't know why, maybe guilt.
I probably should have stopped at the cookie.
My Birthday was 3 months later, and I went away for the weekend. He didn't even acknowledge it.
His script probably said " Forget it's W Birthday, it will really hurt her!"
MJ
Thank you Ms. Jen & MJ....
Since we don't live together, I just got him a birthday card from the boys as well as a generic one from me...
Not even sure when I will see him again...
I did speak to him the beginning of the week and in a roundabout way he admitted he wasn't happy...
I stood strong and just listened and validated when inside I was screaming please just come home...
Maybe soon
(((Hugs))) to all.
I stood strong and just listened and validated when inside I was screaming please just come home...
It is such a shame that only we hear the screams.
God Bless
Journaling~
Yesterday was his birthday...
I do have a generic b-day card for him but not going out of my way to get it to him...
If I see him then he can have it...
He spoke to his Mom for the second time in about 3 months yesterday...
She said he sounded neither "here nor there"...
The anger has finally started to enter the picture...
I am trying to decide if I want to continue to be the "fallback" (because that is how I see myself)...
I know he isn't happy, he knows he isn't happy yet he stays over there instead of being man enough to come home so we can work on this together...
To be honest there are days I could care less if he comes home or not...
Then there are other days where I feel like I can't breathe without him (I am glad those are few and far in-between)...
I pray and I GAL and I do 180's and it just doesn't seem to be making a dent in the situation...
Maybe that is because I can't "see" any changes in him except for there are more "I love yous'" and more affection when I see him then before yet he still goes back to his place...
Getting to where I am not sure what to believe anymore when he opens his mouth...
This ride is making me sick and I desperately want to get off the roller coaster...
I know by speaking to my Pastor and MIL that this is in Gods' hands - His time - His will and I need to completely step out so He can take over - Very hard thing to for me to do for some reason but I try each and everyday to not pick up the mess and leave it with Him...
I need to learn more patience
Still around just deep in thought...
He just came by my work to pick up some papers I had for him and I point blank asked him what he wanted...
Said he didn't know -
Said he was numb to everything -
Said he doesn't see her everyday, doesn't know if he is ever coming home and loves me more then he loves her -
WTH does that mean -
If he loves me more, then why is he with her?
He kissed me, hugged me told me he missed me and loves me then off he goes...
Even when I pull away he still comes in for the kissing...
I need a vacation
Question....
When H spoke to our little one last week, our son asked him if he was coming home soon H replied "Yes Buddy" I know this for fact because I could hear him since they were on speaker phone...
Well when I saw H today I tried to tell him nicely not to say things like that because it confuses the little one...
He doesn't understand the concept of soon and I would prefer he not be lied to...
H point blank looked at me and said he didn't say that at all...
Now is he lying or is he truly numb and fogged out and really does forget half of what is said almost the moment he says it?
Serenity
That just knocks my socks off also.my W does the same.and then we get looked at like we are crazy.it just baffles me some times.but I feel better in a way knowing it is not just me.
Just stumbled on your post. I get the opposite - we had this conversation last week - kind of comments. Also get stories repeated a couple of times. It's like talking to my 75 year old father.
Stress is a terrible thing.
I would encourage you to read this thread.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1819390&page=1This is just another woman who tried it the "hang in there" method with little or no results. When she finally told him she was done. He started the huge turn around. She hasn't been on lately, but he was coming on STRONG the last time she posted. If she stayed strong, then she has a great chance to reconcile and turn her whole relationship around. If she weakens and doesn't allow him to go through a crisis before she lets him back, then she will be disappointed in the results.
Men don't respect women who let them keep having there cake and eating it too. You are showing him that you don't respect yourself enough to not tolerate bad behavior and as a matter of fact will even let him believe that you believe it is YOUR fault.
Not good. Your way of thinking and handling of this doesn't work on most of the men I have ever known in my lifetime. I rarely see a man come back to a woman until she gets tough with him and says with her action. "ENOUGH" I will not be with a man who can't be faitful.
I would suggest a stronger approach and one where the decision is no more in his hands and mind BUT YOURS.
For another example check out RedSoxFan's thread. Same script.
He didn't come around UNTIL she let go. Now check out his attitude. He will do ANYTHING to get her back.
Thank you Harpo...Nice to see (though it does suck) that I am not the only one it is happening to...
Thank you Bart - Not sure which would be the lessor of the 2 evils...
Gucci - I appreciate your honesty...
I know what you said is the truth and I have been trying to do this however it is a slow process for me...
I am afraid of pushing him even further away...
The more I pull back, the more I hear from him and then the more confused I become...
Somedays it is just easier to not hear from him...
I am trying to walk the tightrope of being businesslike as well as empathetic, compassionate, validating etc...
I am also trying to love unconditionally but not show that either...
What a tangled web this has become
I am afraid of pushing him even further away...
The more I pull back, the more I hear from him and then the more confused I become...
What is working?
Hi Volley...
In answer to your question, the pulling back....
No demands, no contact (unless it is an emergency about the kids), no ultimatums, nothing from me except validation/unconditional love....
I let him make the contact as I continue to move 2 steps forward and sometimes 5 steps back...
So no need to worry about pushing him away, right?
Perfect Volley - Thank you....I get what you were trying to convey in the first post...Now I have a question for you -
Gucci states "I would suggest a stronger approach and one where the decision is no more in his hands and mind BUT YOURS."
What does this mean?
I already have almost no contact unless he makes it....
I GAL, I do 180s', I detach etc...
What more should I be doing?
If I were to guess I would think Gucci would want you to date to let your H know you're not waiting around for him...But he's much more experienced so I may be wrong.
Well I never saw that response coming...
Good thing I was sitting down when I read it...
In my opinion, I can't do that...
I took a vow, I took a stand and I won't back down from that...
Besides that would be a horrible example to set for my boys...
I am trying to teach them to stand and fight for what you believe in and how would that look if I took up with another man?
And isn't that just another form of cheating?
Like I said I'm not sure that would be his response or not. If you look at other threads though when even the "threat" of the LBS dating is out there the WAS seems to start the pursuing.
I'm not going to say you should or shouldn't...BUT...What if you knew going out on a few dates, nothing serious, would save your M?
I understand...
"I'm not going to say you should or shouldn't...BUT...What if you knew going out on a few dates, nothing serious, would save your M?"
I am not sure I could do it...
In my mind, serious or not it goes against my marriage vows...
It almost seems like using someone for personnal gain...
If it actually came down to that, I would have to do some serious thinking
Serenity - The Mac is BACK (with Mrs Mac over my shoulder) Whoop Whoop
You seem to be doing so well but worrying so very much.
You need to carry on with GAL'ing nothing more nothing less. Let other people worry about if you're "dating". Get what I'm saying?
Honey - you have the tools, you have the support, you've seen results. What more could you want?
Carry on. Everything forward and trust in the Lord and YOURSELF.
So glad I popped in to see you guys.
BTW - life IS fabulous :-)
Hugs Serenity - loads and loads of hugs.
Mac
He kissed me, hugged me told me he missed me and loves me then off he goes...
Even when I pull away he still comes in for the kissing...
(
If you don't want him to be physical with you (and why would you, when he's being physical with her), then don't let him. You are strong. Treat it as you would if any other man tried to kiss you when you didn't want to be kissed. (Well, maybe with a slightly lesser degree of violence but you know what I mean.) He doesn't own your body; you do. Let him feel the loss of it, all of it. He's trying to eat cake, to a degree .... don't let him. IMHO.
Serenity
I tend to side with you on dating.not sure I could do that either.especially with children involved.I do applaud your loyalty.it is a rare thing these days.
God Bless.
(((Mac & Mrs. Mac))))
Nice to see you Mac and wonderful to meet Mrs. Mac...
Hope all is going wonderfully for the 2 of you!
I was thinking of you this morning Mac and praying you were both well
I know - I know - Stop worrying...
Loads of Hugs to you both and don't be strangers!
Kett -
Thank you for your advice...
Last week we went through this dance...
I was in my car and he leaned in and I pulled away until I was almost in the passengers seat...
We still ended up kissing passionately...
Like I said - The more I pull back - The more he comes around however I don't like feeling like the fallback...
I don't like that at all...
However I don't know what is going on in his head...
I don't know if he is trying to reconnect with me or trying to see if he still has feelings etc...
It isn't that I don't want him to be physical - I just want to be the ONLY one he is physical with
I totally hear what you're saying. And you probably miss the passionate kisses, too; I know I would. It's just .... and this is totally my opinion, so take it for what it's worth .... but I don't think it's *good* for him to be able to get what he wants from you when you *aren't* the only one he's being physical with.
If he knows he has to power to overcome your choice to pull away by kissing you into a warm puddle of goo .... do you think that him knowing that will help or harm his respect for you as an individual who can make her own choices/maintain her own boundaries and isn't totally dependent on him?
Harpo -
Nice to see you again and I am happy that I am not the only one who feels this way...
When I read what was said (and I understand it is a scenario others may go through, or may contemplate,) it just didn't cut it for me...
My loyalty is to God, my H, my boys and my marriage and to date outside (even if it isn't serious) goes against my beliefs...
If it came down to that, I honestly don't think I could do it...
I can't compromise my beliefs in the hopes of bringing my H around...
If it became a deal-breaker, then I would most likely lose and I am ok with that now as well...
God Bless
Kett - Perfect point made and now I know I have some thinking to do before I see him again...
Don't want to say anything that sounds to harsh yet not to wimpy either...
I strive to maintain my strength when we have any F2F talks but this area is where I have a problem...
Mainly because for so long he wouldn't give me the time of day.
Question...
When you post here, get advice from others, talk to family, friends, church members etc...
Do you take all the advice to heart and follow it or do you sift through it & use what you feel is good for your sitch?
Does anyone trust their "gut" more often then not?
(((Hugs))) to all
Bumping up...Looking for advice on my latest question - Thanks all
I use all the advice I get and filter it through what I personally know about my W. If I believe a certain course of action would impact negatively on her, I will shy away from it. If the person giving the information has a reason why it would work even if it is negative at first, I would tend to go with it. After 10 years with my W, I have to consider my gut feelings as well as any advice.
I tried to do what I "thought" was right and it was getting me nowhere...Using the advice I got here I was finally able to move forward, with me, my M that's another story.
When I used my "gut" I did A LOT of acting without thinking, now I think A LOT before I act.
Thank you Orich and Volley...
I also tend to filter through and then go with what I know based on the fact that I known this man for over 20 years...
I have recently started really thinking before I respond to anything as well...
It just seems that my gut tries to speak through anything else and I am not sure if that is emotion based or what I should really go with...
I appreciate the feedback
**Vent**
I haven't heard a word from H since the 2nd of this month - 7 days without a text/call/email...Not even to check on the boys...Not since he stood in front of me and proclaimed he loved me more then he loved her - Why is this?
Gucci - I appreciate your honesty...
I know what you said is the truth and I have been trying to do this however it is a slow process for me...
I am afraid of pushing him even further away...
Hi S13,
It would seem like he can't get much further away, if he's gone this long with no contact, yes?
My suggestion would be -- if you get another shot at this with him -- to follow Gucci's advice and some of the others (including myself) who've advocated a tougher stance.
I think your husband feels like you'll be there waiting for him, if and when he does decide to contact you or come home.
Puppy
Hi Puppy...
As always nice to see you and hope all is well with you...I am not sure (short of filing or dating someone else) what to do next...I don't contact him at all...I don't give him money anymore...I do my own thing as well as with the boys...I really don't know where to go from here.
I know, and that's why I said "if you get another shot at this with him."
I think your next one or two interactions with him are going to be critical.
Puppy
So basically...I continue moving forward and leave him to his own "muck and mire" as my MIL says?
Yes, but you need to be prepared with what you're going to do or say if and when he reapproaches you (and he will).
Giving in to him sexually sends the wrong message, i.m.h.o.
Puppy
I just finished reading Love Must Be Tough (I think that is the name?) and there is a letter in there the author urges the reader to send - A letting go letter - What are your thoughts on this?
What am I going to do or say? Don't know - Right now I am angry that he has apparently discovered "Out of sight, Out of mind" thinking where are children are concerned so if I saw him I may be tempted to hit him with my car ;)(jj)
If that's the Dobson book, I highly recommend it.
Yes that is the one...
The letter in there was nice and to the point however I haven't written one up yet...
Just between you all here, if I send that letter and he chooses her then I lost and what do I have then? (not that I have much now)
So many websites say so many different things...
Stand for this, kneel for that, put the A out in the open, keep it in the dark, be mean, be nice, be loving, don't be a doormat, be a doormat, treat WAS with love, kindness, respect, treat WAS like they are a piece of crap etc...WTH are we really doing?
Hey Serenity ~
You made me laugh!
Who really knows what you should do!
I sure as heck don't!!
So for me it was choosing the path that I thought GOD would want me to take. It's so hard though. Especially when you get an eight page letter of projection! It was cold! It was hateful! So full of woe is me and this is all your fault we are where we are. So uncharacteristic of what H was like before this all started.
Stay strong!
One day at a time!!
(((hugs)))
MJ
Hey MJ...
(((Hugs))) to you my friend...I have been reading your post and I am sorry about the letter...Dang these men!
Glad I can still make someone laugh
He texted me tonight after 7 days of no contact...Wasn't a good time...My Pastor called and emailed me wanting to know how he can help...I am basically once again in tears and boom here comes H with a text talking about how is everyone?
I said good...You?
He says Ok...
I said I want to ask you a question and I want an honest reply...
He says Sure
I said How did we fall so far and where do we go from here...
He says He doesn't know...
I said To either question? Then said (I know Puppy is going to kill me for this) What do you want? What will make you happy? I know what I want however I now know I can't make you come back..If you want out, I will no longer fight you.
His response was.."Talk about it later"
Then he went back into his hole probably with the FT sitting right there and I am once again so lost.
Now What?
Hi Serenity
It is great that there is so much marriage restoration/DBing advice out there but a lot of it is conflicting and if you try to take in all of it, it is very confusing. And face it. all of the advice will not pertain any one situation. You have to weed one what does not apply to you. At the end of the day it is a decision only you can make.
The way I see it, they walked away, they have to walk back in. Without pursuit, without drama, without R talk. Of their own volition and because they want it. You asked if he chooses her what will you have? Well, I hope you get a new M with him. But you will always have you and your sons. AND you have life and that is full of endless possibilities! If you really are committed to your M do not let the length of the wait get to you. I think the waiting is necessary if they are to clear the fog. What you do while you wait will make or break you.
Thank you Kara...
"What you do while you wait will make or break you."
I really needed to hear this today...I have been feeling like I am crumbling under the pressure and these words were just what I needed.
(((Hugs)))
H just texted me...
He will always love me and the boys...
He is happy and doing good...
Not sure if he is coming home...
I just replied - Have a good day.
Serenity,
Start by NOT responding to his texts for a while. No response unless it relates to children or someone is on the way to the hospital.
Go back just a few pages and see you were having a stronger day. This is a roller coaster. He has no right to your emotions or strength, he simply can't have that power over you. His choices have put the two of you where you are.
Be gentle with yourself - but go out and GAL.
Thank you Wifey for your kind words.
Sometimes the 2x4s are gentle (at least yours are)...
I was told last night that I allowed him to take everything from me when he bailed...He took my self-respect, my self-esteem, I am not the person I used to be and I am an idiot for even wanting him to ever darken my door again...
Comments like that really make me second guess every decision I make.
Going back into the cave again
Hi Serenity.
I am sorry for the hijack. But I noticed on ryepatch's thread that you are familiar with bipolar. My W has been diagnosed with bipolar tendencies and I am confused by some of what has been going on. If you ever get some time, I would really appreciate you stopping by my thread (W can't break EA, dont know how to handle it). I think you may be able to give me some good insight into what may be going on. I really have doubts sometimes on how I handle things.
Thanks,
- T
Serenity.
I just read your past few pages. I am very sorry for your sitch. I wish you the best.
-T
Thanks Tristan...
I will make my way to your thread and see if I can be of any help to you
Serenity,
Question about depression that keeps returning. Could you take a look at my thread please?
Orange & Tristan...
I will be with both of you all shortly...
Tristan - I have been thinking of your sitch so I want to talk with you first...
Orange, I will read up on yours and post back to you as soon as I am done...
I am at work so it may take me a few but I will return as soon as I am done with my client
Thank you Serenity. I look forward to your perspective.
Thank you Wifey for your kind words.
Sometimes the 2x4s are gentle (at least yours are)...
I was told last night that I allowed him to take everything from me when he bailed...He took my self-respect, my self-esteem, I am not the person I used to be and I am an idiot for even wanting him to ever darken my door again...
Comments like that really make me second guess every decision I make.
Going back into the cave again
People say those things because they don't want to see you hurt. It is hard to hear those things, but you have to remember that the two people in a relationship actually know everything about the relationship. You are not an idiot.
Rhetorical question; what kind of person is mad that he took your self esteem yet can call you an idiot with a straight face?
Again thank you Wifey...
Rhetorical answer - A not very nice person...
I know I am not an idiot however I do rethink my decision when I start getting it from all sides...
Of course it would be much easier to just give up and move forward without him however that isn't how I feel so it isn't going to happen...
I did talk to H for a few minutes on Saturday and then again that night...He called the little one to talk to him and the minute our son got on the phone, he just started crying and asking his Dad when he would be home (His response was soon)and that he missed him and loved him...
A month ago I would have pacified H once I got back on the phone, I would have made excuses for the little ones' tears (over tired, hungry etc...)...That night I said nothing about it...I want him to think about the damage he is causing...All he said was he wasn't expecting that kind of reaction...I said I had to go and have a good night...
Had a good weekend, the sermon at Church yesterday - Letting Go/Letting God...Couldn't have come at a better time
(((Hugs))) to all!
Again thank you Wifey...
Rhetorical answer - A not very nice person...
Bingo.
I know I am not an idiot however I do rethink my decision when I start getting it from all sides...
It is the enemy, the devil, trying very hard to get you to weaken and give up.
Of course it would be much easier to just give up and move forward without him however that isn't how I feel so it isn't going to happen...
Of course it would be easier, but I didn't hear anything about easier in my vows.
I did talk to H for a few minutes on Saturday and then again that night...He called the little one to talk to him and the minute our son got on the phone, he just started crying and asking his Dad when he would be home (His response was soon)and that he missed him and loved him...
A month ago I would have pacified H once I got back on the phone, I would have made excuses for the little ones' tears (over tired, hungry etc...)...That night I said nothing about it...I want him to think about the damage he is causing...All he said was he wasn't expecting that kind of reaction...I said I had to go and have a good night...
No need to pacify. You do not need to rescue him and your son's feelings are very valid.
Had a good weekend, the sermon at Church yesterday - Letting Go/Letting God...Couldn't have come at a better time
(((Hugs))) to all!
It always works that way. Whether I open the bible or go to church, it always exactly what I need at that exact moment.
Baby step for me...
Little one called H on Sunday night...
Spoke for a few minutes then he handed the phone to me...
I looked at it, didn't say a word and just hung up...
Tell me that wasn't bad? I just didn't have it in me...
Found out last night the OW is very disappointed in my H...
She gave up everything for him and apparently it hasn't panned out the way she expected...
He isn't happy, she isn't happy yet they are still together...
Why is that?
Thank you so much Wifey!
I always look forward to hearing from you.
Just took a look at his FB...
No mention of her however he has a new picture of himself up...
It made me so mad for some reason...
The other picture you could see his wedding ring and now you can't and yes it may be stupid to some of you but to me it is another nail in the coffin and now I just feel the sadness building up...
I just want to cry.
another one falls prey to the FB - looking temptation
and everything went downhill from there
feel your feelings serenity ..take the brief time that you need to do that and then turn the corner towards real detachmen, the kind that means that you could care less about what is on his stupid FB (i don't think I will ever warm up to that electronic nonsense ..just call me Ted Kaczinski aka unibomber).
Keep yourself busier and busier and the detachment becomes easier and easier. So easy to say...
May the Lord comfort and bless you. Peace be in your heart my dear.
T
Just took a look at his FB...
No mention of her however he has a new picture of himself up...
It made me so mad for some reason...
The other picture you could see his wedding ring and now you can't and yes it may be stupid to some of you but to me it is another nail in the coffin and now I just feel the sadness building up...
I just want to cry.
I can relate. My W has not had a pic of us up on her FB page for a long, long time. Just her or her and one or more of our kids.
But, you just have to let it go. I used to check her page, but I don't remember the last time I did. And I feel a lot better for not checking it. It just doesn't matter to me anymore.
I think you are allowed to do that. Have faith that things will be better.
Serenity,
I get the idea there is a lot of posturing going on between the two of you, neither one wanting to let the other know what his position really is for fear of getting hurt. Have you tried asking him to go to a Retrouvaille weekend with you? They will teach you another way to communicate with each other. Once the communication is productive, a lot of the defensiveness goes away, and things just get better.
Thanks to you all who responded to my dumb move...
I will say once again FB is the work of the devil...
I don't understand why I went there to begin with since I have been doing so good by not looking...
I went home and had a good breakdown then once again picked myself up off the floor and continued on with my day...
Told my MIL last night I thought I was done with the crying and the absolute pain but I guess not...
This is sucking the life out of me one day at a time it seems...
I know I am better today then I was yesterday and I will be better tomorrow then I am today however I miss him and that isn't changing no matter how much I want it to...
I do my 180's and I GAL however how is he supposed to see any changes when he is so far along in the fog he can barely see his hand in front of him?
How is it fair that he bailed yet he is perfectly good where all the aspects are concerned?
His family is basically homeless, yet he has an apartment...
His family doesn't have a reliable car, yet he has a nice reliable car...
I am having to swallow my pride and rely on other people to help me, yet he is just skating through this like he doesn't have a care in the world...
I have set boundries, changed my bank account, spoke to a lawyer, I don't call, text or email and when I do see him I always have a smile on my face, I stopped saying I love you, I stopped any kind of physical interaction - WTF has he done?
If he calls, I never answer and always wait to return his call, same if he texts...
Tomorrow will be 10 weeks since he walked out...
10 weeks and he hasn't even tried to see our youngest son...
10 weeks of nothing but lies and selfish behavior - WTH kind of man does that?
Why am I the only one trying to save this marriage?
Excuse the pity party however I have so many questions and zero answers and it just sucks.
His family is basically homeless, yet he has an apartment...
His family doesn't have a reliable car, yet he has a nice reliable car...
I am having to swallow my pride and rely on other people to help me, yet he is just skating through this like he doesn't have a care in the world...
Didn't your L advise you on how to get at least temp child support payments or even do a legal separation?
How is it fair that he bailed yet he is perfectly good where all the aspects are concerned?
Nothing of this is fair. There is no sense in looking for justice. And yes it does suck. Keep focusing on you and your improvements; that is where you will find progress.
Yes I do get money from him and our state doesn't have legal seperation so that is off the table...
I won't file and he knows it however he hasn't filed either and I guess I just don't understand...
He was so adament about wanting a divorce, he left and then does nothing...
Last night I started to feel like I just don't like him anymore and then of course feel guilty for thinking that...
I feel better when I vent and I don't want to vent to him so I come here and throw it out there...
Plus you all are so helpful when people are down and feeling like they are at the end of their rope
Yes I do get money from him and our state doesn't have legal seperation so that is off the table...
I won't file and he knows it however he hasn't filed either and I guess I just don't understand...
He was so adament about wanting a divorce, he left and then does nothing...
He does nothing because he doesn't have to. Since there is no legal seperation the option is file for divorce. Filing for divorce is not a divorce. Do you like living like you are now? You have a choice. Standing up for yourself will change the dynamics of your sitch for the better.
Plus you all are so helpful when people are down and feeling like they are at the end of their rope
That's when you tie a knot in the rope and swing. You can handle it.
Cheers
Coach - Thank you for the perspective...
No I don't like living the way I am now...
I hate that I feel I am being forced to go against my beliefs because he just doesn't want to do anything...
He is perfectly content living this way and I may have to sacrifice my value system to move forward in my life because quite honestly I don't know how much longer I can live like this.
I hate that I feel I am being forced to go against my beliefs because he just doesn't want to do anything...
He is perfectly content living this way and I may have to sacrifice my value system to move forward in my life because quite honestly I don't know how much longer I can live like this.
for divorce to protect yourself doesn't go against your values does it? If you file you can drop it.
What a great 180 too. Your husband doesn't think you have the will to do it. It will actually be very attractive to him to see you take care of yourself. Think about it. Find out the facts for your state, talk to a lawyer. Worst thing that could happen is you know another option.
Cheers
Anything to do with a divorce goes against my beliefs but I am tired now...
Tired of being 2nd or 3rd best...
Tired of being his dorrmat...
Tired of being the good, understanding, supportive wife...
Tired of lying to my little one as to why his damn POS Dad won't come see him...
Tired of not being good enough and mad as hell that our kids mean so little to him...
Something I learned from Puppy - Don't do anything based on emotion and I know I am very emotional right now...
How could something so small as a picture trigger this many emotions all at once?
You will be amazed at what triggers your emotions. Ride them out like waves. I've only been at this for 4 months, but it's better. I still cry, but not as often and not as long. People are coming into my life whom I never expected...a true blessing.
I filed ONLT to protect myself financially. I don't want to lose my marriage and my financial security. I can always withdraw the petition and my lawyer knows I want to attempt reconciliation.
Hang in there....this experience sucks, but you will prevail in the end. Take care of those kiddos!
How could something so small as a picture trigger this many emotions all at once?
Because you keep looking for your husband to change. You are hurting and you want him to fix it. Place your focus on caring for yourself. Puppy is right don't act or make decisions while emotional. Take care of yourself - physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. Learn to manage your energy.
Serenity, this is your journey to make. Think about Jesus praying in the garden. You won't be given a burden that you can't handle. Get some rest, eat something, stay hydrated and say a prayer for strength and wisdom.
Let him drive off in the woods and get stuck in the mud. Take the high road and don't let him define you.
(Easier said than done but much more rewarding).
Thank you Golf...Looks like I have some more waves to ride out but I am glad to hear it is getting better
Coach - It truly means a lot to me to have you on here with some very sound advice.
You are correct, I am looking for any kind of change and when I don't see it or it looks like he is moving further and further away, it truly hurts to my soul.
I don't understand why one week I am good and then boom one little thing and I feel like I am back to square one...
You gave me a wonderful thought that I will put to use and I thank you for that
LOL Orange - Thank you...I needed the laugh...
My oldest just stopped by my work and let me know his Dad came by his school to bring him money for lunch...
Told me his Dad was wearing flip-flops and I just lost it...
Pet peeve of mine is men wearing flip-flops - It is gross...
I actually cried over friggen flip-flops...
Then I contemplated filing for divorce...
Ok I may be setting myself up for 2x4's but I need to know -
I still pay the car insurance as well as the cell bill - He is on both - Should I remove him and if so do I tell him?
What is going dark mean?
What is the difference between going dark and LRT?
I have the book however I am at work and can't look it up - Thanks all.
Ok I may be setting myself up for 2x4's but I need to know -
I still pay the car insurance as well as the cell bill - He is on both - Should I remove him and if so do I tell him?
Don't pay for him. Email him and let him know that you're having him removed from the account on X date, so he'll need to make arrangements to get his own insurance/cell plan. Not sure how to phrase it, but I'm sure others will chime in.
SD
Serenity,
Hi, I'm back, finally.
Re: Car insurance, when I received the last bill, I called the company and told them that my wife hasn't lived here in 10 months, gave them her new address, they called her to confirm, we both lost multi-car discount, she had a fit, but what the heck.
Thanks SDF and Gardener...
I will take care of it Monday...
(((Gardener))) - Nice to see you back!
Ok last night I did a 180 for myself (finally)...
I don't go out and I don't drink - I was on the way home from work yesterday and having a pity party about the fact that H has been gone for 10 weeks and then decided it was time to move forward and paint the town red...
Went home - Got my Mom and Sister on board and we hit the town...
I actually drank, ran into a very old friend, sang some karaoke, drank some more, hit a few bars and had a wonderful time...
I didn't think and I felt no guilt for the first time in a long time - Thank you all for the advice! I will be going out tonight as well and I am looking forward to it
Though tonight I won't drink as much - I am to much of a lightweight lol.
(((Serenity)))
I have to tell you that my faith has really helped me through all of this journey. I even went to my list of posts today and was drawn to come here first.
Listen, I could have written every one of the questions you wrote about it not being fair, how can he be ok when I'm a mess, etc. In fact I have, here and in my journal. What you are feeling and going through is a very natural, normal and human reaction to an abnormal and incredibly painful experience. Husbands aren't supposed to just up and leave without trying - right?
The emotions are like waves. They will come and go for a long, long time. You have to learn that they will come and develop coping skills. I had my bomb last June, and I still have those days. I'm peri-menopausal to boot so it just boosts the emotions all the more.
You are doing ok, honey. Really, you are. I know it hurts. But the worst has already happened. Now the only way to go is up. We have to. We really don't have a choice. Actually we do, but that involves that whole insane asylum thing and I don't think I would look good in one of those white coats that they wrap you up in when you completely wig out.
One day at a time. And yes, do GAL, but limit the alcohol. You can have just as good a time looking over a diet coke as anything. The alcohol is a depressant and Lord knows that is the very last thing I need.
(((Wifey)))
Thank you as always for your wonderful input...
I have also started journaling just to keep my thoughts all clear...
I did go out on Saturday however didn't drink...
Had to many on Friday thinking I would just drink the thoughts away and ease the unbelievable pain another human has caused but it didn't work...
I went to Church yesterday and felt much better...
H finally called last night to talk to the little one (been 8 days since he has made any contact)...
I let the little one answer the phone, sat there as they talked and then once my son was done he asked H if he wanted to talk to me - H yelled the word No and then hung up...
Never happened before and I felt like he had slapped me...
My little one stated he hated his Dad for hurting my feelings....
Told him I was fine but I think he was reacting to the shock which probably crossed my face...
I HATE that he still causes a reaction like that in me and it would be much easier if I didn't love him nor care anymore...
Fine he wants to blame me for all the wrong that has ever gone on in his 41 years of life however don't subject our 6 year old to it...
Either that or his ftgf was right there and he was showing his ass for her...
Someday I am going to wake up and no longer feel this pain - That is my prayer for today
Hi Serenity,
I am sorry that your husband is being so difficult. No one deserves the treatment he is dishing out. Church, journaling and going out with friends always help me. The drinking seems to work for a couple of hours, but it never lasts.
Take care.
(((Wifey)))
Thank you as always for your wonderful input...
I have also started journaling just to keep my thoughts all clear...
I did go out on Saturday however didn't drink...
Had to many on Friday thinking I would just drink the thoughts away and ease the unbelievable pain another human has caused but it didn't work...
I went to Church yesterday and felt much better...
H finally called last night to talk to the little one (been 8 days since he has made any contact)...
I let the little one answer the phone, sat there as they talked and then once my son was done he asked H if he wanted to talk to me - H yelled the word No and then hung up...
Never happened before and I felt like he had slapped me...
My little one stated he hated his Dad for hurting my feelings....
Told him I was fine but I think he was reacting to the shock which probably crossed my face...
I HATE that he still causes a reaction like that in me and it would be much easier if I didn't love him nor care anymore...
Fine he wants to blame me for all the wrong that has ever gone on in his 41 years of life however don't subject our 6 year old to it...
Either that or his ftgf was right there and he was showing his ass for her...
Someday I am going to wake up and no longer feel this pain - That is my prayer for today
serenity,
you would have been shocked having anyone yell at your son on the phone. it's unacceptable whether he's your husband or a telemarketer. hang in there, looks like we're both in this for the long haul. i myself am waiting around for a divorce that hasn't come, wondering whether to sue for spousal support to protect myself. i think it's great you went out drinking, obviously it's a depressant but it's good to break through and have fun. you'll be fine as long as you don't do it all the time!
good luck,
ryepatch
Hi Tristan & Rye - Thanks to both of you for stopping by...
You both are right - The drinking didn't stop the pain except for a few hours plus I am not a huge fan of the way I felt Saturday morning...
It was a 180 for me however one I will not be using again lol
I have another 180 in the works...
I am going on a working vacation next month alone...
I will be in Maui for 4 days and I have no plans of telling him either (or should I?)...
2 days filled with work/meetings/conferences...
2 days with just me myself and I...
I don't go anywhere alone (don't like to be alone) so this is a huge step out of my comfort zone however I need to prove some things to myself so I accepted the job...
I am a bit nervous as well as scared but I need to know I can do this alone
Serenity ~
OMG you are going on a business trip to Maui?! Awesome!
I was just telling a coworker yesterday that I wanted to go to a tropical island, lounge on the beach with a drink, and enjoy the moment. Just to be away from things for a while would be a GOD send.
Hang in there girl you have come a long way in the last two months. You have gained so much strength.
Look at it this way... He may be out of the house, but I haven't read anywhere that he is going after a D.
I on the other hand, have H still here, but is going after D quite strongly right now.
So what would you rather have?...
H is running around so hard trying to get rid of me. Skank must really be pressuring him lately.
BUT
I have this PEACE all around me.
Thank you JESUS...
(((((HUGS)))))
MJ
Can you believe the luck - 4 days in Maui alone...
If I could I would have all of you join me, we can all use the break!
It is a God-send and something I really need to regroup and refocus...
H is back to being angry at me again...
I am not even around and he is still taking his anger out on me...
Makes me sad for him...
He stated he doesn't think about D anymore however I am still not cool with him living somewhere else and banging another woman and while I don't believe in D, my feelings still get the best of me at times and there are days when I feel like throwing the towel in and just filing to get it over with.
You are much stronger today then when you first came on as well and I am proud of you and how you have handled yourself with recent events
The Peace is a blessing from above especially considering what we are living with...
That I am most thankful for!
Do you think I should tell him I am going out of town?
(((Hugs))) to you
You probably should tell him your going out of town because of your boys and emergency purposes. Who will be watching them?
We live with my parents right now so they will be with them...
To be honest, I don't want to tell him...
I make a point to have as little contact as possible with him plus with me going out of town he may be inclined to bring the FT around my boys and that will just entail me needing to kick her fat butt when I return
2 days with just me myself and I...
- Are you sure you don't want to take anyone? I am sure I can get those days free
I will be in Maui for 4 days and I have no plans of telling him either (or should I?)...
- I don't see any reason to tell him. Unless he is taking care of your boy, then he should probably know where you are.
My neighbor did this to prove she could enjoy herself all by herself. She went to Mexico for a week and said it was great. You will have no problem keeping yourself busy for 2 days in Maui. It will go by faster than you think. Enjoy it
Hi Tristan...
I would take you all just so you can have a break from the madness if I could...
No he doesn't take care of either of our boys - The youngest he hasn't seen since the day he walked out so I agree - No reason he needs to know...
I need to know I can do this alone...
In the 38 years I have been alive, I have never even eaten in a restaurant by myself - Not even a fast food joint...
It is hard but I need to prove something to myself...
I wouldn't mind any of you joining me though...
We all need the break
Since the boys are in good hands, and you don't want to tell him, then I wouldn't!
Remember this summer when I went away for three weeks to visit my daughter? I was so concerned about her coming into my house, and being around my boys. In my case, my boys are my dogs, but just the same I didn't want her touching them. I still don't know if she did or not. There's nothing I can do about it now anyway. I just remember that GOD is in control of the situation, and put my TRUST in HIM.
My advice also would be to leave the FT alone. She will do herself in eventually. She has no morals. How can she, she is with a married man. No matter what he tells her, and she chooses to believe, she STILL is with a MARRIED man.
Let GOD be your vindicator.Let HIM have the GLORY.
Keep your INTEGRITY, and you'll be the BETTER person for it!
Believe me I know, it's not easy. Oh what I would love to do to the skank!
But she has no morals.
She is a sick person.
AND
She is not in GODS favor.
MJ
Dang MJ - Raining on my butt kicking parade
You are correct and I thank you for putting me back into place!
I would love just a few minutes alone with her, in a locked room with no witnesses...
We could talk
(((Hugs)))
Hi Tristan...
I would take you all just so you can have a break from the madness if I could...
No he doesn't take care of either of our boys - The youngest he hasn't seen since the day he walked out so I agree - No reason he needs to know...
I need to know I can do this alone...
In the 38 years I have been alive, I have never even eaten in a restaurant by myself - Not even a fast food joint...
It is hard but I need to prove something to myself...
I wouldn't mind any of you joining me though...
We all need the break
Hmm.... Things I would enjoy doing by myself in Maui?
1. Read a good book in a hammock under a palm tree
2. Walk on the beach at sunrise.
3. Walk on the beach at sunset.
4. Go snorkeling or scuba diving
5. Go to a luau.
6. Take surfing lessons
7. Get as close as possible to a volcano without burning myself.
8. Read a good book in a hammock under a palm tree (watch out for the coconuts)
9. Visit the local market
10. Take a helicopter tour.
11. Find an outdoor folk concert to hang out
12. Find myself a great momento to bring home.
Just some thoughts.
What if you don't tell him...but just send him a post card that says HI from Maui...
that's GAL all right!
Nice Breakaway...Now that idea I may implement!
Tristan - You have given me some very nice ideas as well...
I live by the beach and spend a great deal of time there at night however in Maui it is a different story so I will be walking...
The active volcano is on the Big Island and I am hoping to take an island hop over there to see it...
I want to just find "me" again...
I am hoping to walk away from there with some answers for myself and my life...
I will visit the local market and find a great momento to bring home with me
Since my time will be limited I am hoping to get by on as little sleep as possible...
Who knows where the winds will take me, all I know is it won't be here and I will have some much needed space even if it is for a short time
I love the sending him a postcard idea!
MJ
I love the sending him a postcard idea!
MJ
I am
so good at
other people's relationships!! lol
I am so good at other people's relationships!! lol
Can you please fix mine?
I am so good at other people's relationships!! lol
Can you please fix mine?
well I'm trying...;)
I just need someone to fix mine. although it's getting better and I have been here for...drum roll please...11 months. egads.
Hats off to you Break for hanging in for the long haul (((Hugs)))
I will use the postcard because it is a complete change from what I would normally do, so I thank you for that advice.
That will probably chap his ass but oh well
I am so good at other people's relationships!! lol
Can you please fix mine?
well I'm trying...;)
Yes. But between you and Robx, I sometimes think I'm just being drawn and quartered
One part of me wants to go one way, the other part wants to go in the exact opposite direction. Sorry for the hijack Serenity.
No problem at all Tristan - I understand how you feel so hijack away
Looking for some advice today -
It has been almost 11 weeks (tomorrow actually) since he walked out the door...
He hasn't seen our youngest son at all and has seen our oldest one 4 times...
He doesn't call to speak to them or see how they are doing on a regular basis (about once a week)
He has now gone 12 days without speaking to me - Not a word and I am not sure why (Guilt maybe?)...
I awoke this morning wondering why I am still standing for this?
Is my marriage worth saving anymore?
And then felt no guilt for feeling this way...
I told someone on the board earlier - The more I GAL, the more I am sure I don't want that one back...Is this normal?
Thanks in advance for any advice
I told someone on the board earlier - The more I GAL, the more I am sure I don't want that one back...Is this normal?
Obviously, you don't want the husband that walked out on you back. That is normal. However, if your husband came back remorseful and promising to change, you may give it a go.
But don't concern yourself with that now. Continue to GAL.
Thank you for putting that into perspective...
You are correct in what you said and that may be where my thoughts are laying...
I wonder if he will ever be remorseful though?
I just don't get the silent treatment - I didn't do anything wrong so why ignore me?
Butthead
The letter I want to send...
Dear H,
It has been almost 3 months since you walked out the door and din't look back...
3 months since you have seen our youngest son...
You haven't even asked to spend anytime with him and your last phone call to him lasted all of 1 minute and 28 seconds...
I sure hope you and the fat troll are happy...
Thank you for leaving us homeless as well as carless...
Thank you for showing our sons what a wonderful man you are and how to really treat your spouse and children - I am sure the school psychologist will appreciate all of this tomorrow when I have to take YOUR son in there and explain why he is acting out the way he is...
Thank you for giving me the minimum amount of money a month to support your children - That 200 bucks sure goes a long way - I am sure you will remember that when the child support papers get done and you have to send in back pay...
For 10 weeks I sat here like a fool thinking you would pull your head out of your ass and wake up...
For the past 2 weeks, I have started living again..
There is so much more out in the world then what I have been seeing...
I can finally, honestly say, I don't need you...
I don't think I could ever trust you again...
For 20 years you have always run to the past whenever things don't go the way you want - 20 years of your high school ex coming back into our lives every few years (you say she contacts you - guess what I don't believe you anymore)...
You giving her your emotional support and pushing me to the side time and time again...
Now you have the fat troll to keep you warm at night and I am done with the whole mess - I thank you for my boys and I thank you for showing me what a fighter I can be...
I feel nothing but pity for you...
The time you spend on FB searching for your old "friends" is pathetic...
Maybe someday you will realize what you were searching for was already in front of your face...
Maybe someday you will wake up and realize what a mess you have made and maybe you can salvage some type of relationship with your boys...
As for me - I will be just fine without you..
Now - Tell me why I can't bring myself to send this?
Because you're listening to your better instincts?
Besides, ask your ATTY if you should send it. No way.
(not that I don't agree with all of it)
Puppy
Damn Puppy - Do you always have to be the voice of reason?
No I am not listening to my better instincts but it sure made me feel better to get it out...
This is just making me feel ill towards him and I want to be done today...
I want to move forward and he won't speak to me at all...
I haven't heard his voice in over 3 weeks - He still acting like I am the anti-christ...
I actually tried to have a "friend" date and I couldn't do it...
I spent the whole night wondering if H would be pissed or care or be jealous...
Now who is the pathetic one lol
Because you don't want to give him the satisfaction that he was worth the time it took to write it.
hi serenity
i was just reading about your upcoming trip to maui. you lucky dog you! I am sure it will be extremely enjoyable for you. I will pray that it is a fantastic trip for you. A trip of discovery.
...Still trying to fathom how you have managed to never get out to a McDonalds or any other place to eat on your own. Strange.
When do you leave for Hawaii?
T
Thank you Tristan and Puppy for coming with the 2x4's
I realized yesterday after I typed that letter and posted it here, that I was finally detached - It hit me like a ton of bricks...I was able to look at his FB as well as the cell phone (he is talking to the exgf from high school more and more lately instead of the middle school exgf he left us for) and I was ok...There were no tears or worrying...I was GOOD people...It only took me 8 months to get here lol
Hi Tomato -
I leave on Halloween for 4 nights/5 days and I am a bit anxious but also excited...
I know it is weird but I have an aversion to being alone in places...
At home it is fine but no restaurants or movie theaters...
At the grocery store I could never stand in a line with someone behind me - If I had 1 or 2 items and you came up behind me with a buggy full, I would let you go ahead of me just so I didn't have you behind me...It makes my skin crawl for some reason.
My psych says I am to aware of everything going on around me so part of my 180's is to change that, so I have been going to the grocery store (and letting someone stay behind me) or mall by myself for little blocks of time...
Haven't brought myself to eat alone or go to the movies yet but I am working on it...
Thank you for your prayers for my trip
Well here is a nice start to the day -
I had to go and sit with the principal, my little ones' teacher as well as a child psychologist and explain to them one of the most embarrassing things going on in our life because my son has been acting up horribly in class...
Thanks a lot hubby - I appreciate even more humiliation....
Because living with your crap isn't enough, now it is affecting our children and does he really care???
NO and that makes me mad...
Today I want to be done with him, his s**t and our marriage...
Today I don't like him.
Any recommendations for depression/bipolar forums?
Current O'dog faves on the subjects but none of them are forums:
The Black Dog Institute
www.blackdoginstitute.org.auDr. Jim Phelps (author of "Why Am I Still Depressed? Recognizing the ups and downs...")
www.psycheducation.orgMcMan's Depression and Bipolar Web
www.mcmanweb.com
Today is my 20th anniversary - Happy Anniversary
Hang in there Serenity. You have a lot to be proud of. You are being a great mom in difficult times. Go out and do something for you, you deserve it. Looking forward to your trip?
(((Serenity)))
Thanks ((((Tristan))))
I am looking forward to it actually...
I am not as scared as I thought I would be
I will take your advice and do something for me...
Sad to say but I actually thought I would hear from him - At least a text or something but nothing so that stings - A lot.
Sad to say but I actually thought I would hear from him - At least a text or something but nothing so that stings - A lot.
Yes. I know having expectations tend to lead to dissappointment. I do this too. Its hard to not do it. I am hoping it gets easier with time; everyone says it does.
I know its hard, but please find some way to enjoy your day. I will do the same. We can post what we did tomorrow. You in?
I should know better then to have any expectations but for some reason I woke up thinking today would be different...Blech
Yes I am in - I will find someway to enjoy this day and I will let you know what I did tomorrow
for some reason I woke up thinking today would be different...
You were thinking someone else would make it different. It's your job to make it different. Happiness is a inside job. you can handle it.
Cheers
Thanks Coach...
Reading your words, I see you are correct...
It is my job to make my day better, different...
I don't know why I was thinking he would acknowledge our anniversary however it is safe to say he isn't going to "remember" and I can either let that set my mood for the day or I can choose happiness in whatever I do.
Hi Serenity.
Just wanted to let you know what I did for me last night. I had the girls, so I couldn't do anything too extravagant. But, I took some advice from Greek and hung up a painting in the house that hadn't been up since my wife and I had been married. It was one of a couple of soccer players. It was one of the first paintings I ever bought, but W didn't like it much. Anyway, it is back up in the house now.
Hope all is well with you.
Hi Tristan...
I actually didn't do much either...
I spent a few hours in the ER with what turned out to be a sinus/ear infection...
Once I got home, I just chilled with my boys.
Since we live with my parents right now, they avoided the whole "anniversary" crap...
Felt bad for my Dad though because it was also his Birthday as well and he didn't want to do anything for fear of upsetting me -Such a good guy
Told him I was good and no need to avoid his birthday in any way...
I am feeling a bit better today now that I have some antibiotics in me...
I bet your picture looks awesome now that it is hung! Good job (((Tristan)))
Ack - Backslide ahead...
H just called after finding out I was in the ER (sinus infection)...He wasn't happy I didn't call him however I said to him, you chose to walk, you wanted space so why in the world would I bother you for that?
Come to find out he was in the ER last week - Thought he was having a heart-attack...
Once he told me that I went off on him (I know I know)...Asked him how the hell was I supposed to know if something happened to him, how would I explain that to the boys?
Let him know in no uncertain terms that the fat troll had NO business by his side if he was ill, that is my place (he said she wasn't there)...
He had very high blood pressure and super high cholesterol...
The ER thought he may have had a stroke...
All that and he still didn't find it in his heart to let me know until a week later!
He did promise if it happened again he would call me on the way...
However I am just pissed as all get out...
It is my job to care for him not hers damnit why can't he see that?
And why in the hell did I go off when I have been doing so very good?
No, Serenity, right now it ISN'T your job. Whether it hurts like hell or not (and I know it does), he's told you by his recent actions and decisions that this most certainly is NOT your job right now.
You can't rescue him.
You can't control him.
You can't "fix" him.
This is HIS journey, and he needs to walk it, unenabled by you, naturally, but left to walk it nonetheless.
Puppy
Damn Puppy -
As right as you are, it still stung like no other to hear it from him (as well as you)...
Then for him to turn around and question why I didn't call him when I went to the ER?
WTF??
Then for him to turn around and question why I didn't call him when I went to the ER?
WTF??
His problem. Not yours.
Sorry to hear about your ear infection. Those things can hurt. Hope you got it under control before it got too bad.
Damn Puppy -
As right as you are, it still stung like no other to hear it from him (as well as you)...
Then for him to turn around and question why I didn't call him when I went to the ER?
WTF??
Someone far wiser than I am once said on here,
"Stop trying to make sense of the senseless."
Thanks (((Tristan))) Better today then yesterday so I am thankful for that!
(((Puppy))) I always appreciate you coming here and I appreciate your words of wisdom - Don't ever leave
My trip couldn't come fast enough is how I am feeling today and just so you all know, I still have not told him I am going
Just got a text...
I am done so we are done, what do you need me to do now?
Do I answer this?
I am so upset with this today
Then I wouldn't answer today...he took his time figuring out what he wanted so take your time if you need it.
Can't remember, have you consulted an attorney? Do you have your 'ducks in a row'? When my H sent me the "I'm sorry, but I can't try again" email, I had my terms written up in a matter of 3 or 4 days (money, kids, household stuff, etc etc)for him to review.
It hurts, though, I know. I bawled with my face down in the carpet b/c it hurt so much. But then I got up and started working on my terms...Take care
I'm so sorry.
I'll let others respond to how to answer the text. In the bigger picture, let him answer that question. That is, if he is done then let him initiate the process.
Just got a text...
I am done so we are done, what do you need me to do now?
Do I answer this?
S13,
I'm sorry this hurts you.
I wouldn't respond at all for about 12-24 hours. Then I'd respond with "I don't need anything from you; I'm actually doing pretty well. Guess it's up to the Ls now. - Serenity"
Just got a text...
I am done so we are done, what do you need me to do now?
Do I answer this?
I am so upset with this today
I am sorry Serenity. Praying for you.
- Tristan
Thanks to you all...After calming myself, I have come to the conclusion that it is apparent he isn't in his right mind - I mean I am a nice person - To nice sometimes however to actually ask me for guidance in destroying our marriage? No can do buckaroo...
I waited to answer then sent the following -
"I understand that you feel you need to do certain things based on how you are living your life right now. I don't agree with it and I hope you understand that I will not help you in any way end what we took so long to build. You do what you feel you need to do and I will continue to do what I feel I need to do"
Never got a response however I was happy with my response...
His Mom told me he is insane...Still looking for justification to continue what he is doing...Time for me to stop getting on my fence and move forward completely...He is in my prayers and our marriage is in God's hands.
His text word for word -
"I am done so I guess we are done...Tell me what you need me to do." ( I didn't see the "guess" in there until my MIL pointed it out - Not sure if it means anything anyway)
Serenity,
"I understand that you feel you need to do certain things based on how you are living your life right now. I don't agree with it and I hope you understand that I will not help you in any way end what we took so long to build. You do what you feel you need to do and I will continue to do what I feel I need to do"
Good answer. I told my wife the same: won't resist but won't assist, either.
Hang in there.
(())
Thanks (((Gardener)))
I was worried and struggled with how to answer then I just let it come from Above...
It is nice to see you again and I hope all is well with you
I waited to answer then sent the following -
"I understand that you feel you need to do certain things based on how you are living your life right now. I don't agree with it and I hope you understand that I will not help you in any way end what we took so long to build. You do what you feel you need to do and I will continue to do what I feel I need to do"
Never got a response however I was happy with my response...
So am I! You
STUCK it!!!!
You sound SOOOO much stronger, Serenity!
Puppy
I think this was a good response, Serenity. Come on, does he think he can D by text? Get real.
I did something similar to my H. In NY, if you don't have grounds (H doesn't) you have to get a legal separation agreement and be separated a year, then either one can file for the D. My very smart friend (L) said the key word is agreement. Did I agree? I said I didn't. So, he said to call him when I do agree that we should go this route.
Puppy....Coming from you, this means a lot to me...I did hear from him this morning...He was checking on the little one (he has the swine flu) and H acted like that conversation yesterday never happened...I should be used to that...Normally he spews out some load of crap and then acts like it never happened...I do wonder if our WAS ever stop to really think about the damage their words could potentially cause - I am gonna venture to say no
Wifey - Same goes for you...I appreciate any advice/words of encouragement from you...And to answer your question, he probably does think it would be as easy as a text message lol...Well I said what I had to say and I won't change my point of view...
I think Gardener says it best "Won't resist however won't assist either".
(((Hugs)))
In NY, if you don't have grounds (H doesn't) you have to get a legal separation agreement and be separated a year, then either one can file for the D. My very smart friend (L) said the key word is agreement. Did I agree? I said I didn't.
Wish I lived in New York.
lol Gardener...You and me both
A first class answer from a first class lady!
Catch up with you over the weekend - promise!
BTW - your namesake fishy is now twice the size of the other one and is doing great!
Wonder what that means???????
(((((Serenity))))))
Mac
(((((Mac)))))) Always a wonderful day when I see you...I trust all is well with you and Mrs. Mac? It probably means me and the fishy are doing wonderful
Not much has changed in the last few days...He has stoppped checking on the little one who I may add still has that damn swine flu - We are on day 7 now and after 2 days ago apparently H decided he had done his duties...
Yesterday was older S birthday - Guess who forgot? That made me very upset last night because a part of me thought no way would he forget his childs birthday...However he did and once my kids were in bed I cried for them and what this is doing to them...
What a complete self-absorbed jerk - God help him because I sure as hell can't.
A first class answer from a first class lady!
Catch up with you over the weekend - promise!
BTW - your namesake fishy is now twice the size of the other one and is doing great!
Wonder what that means???????
(((((Serenity))))))
Mac
Mac, Mac, MAC!
Come back to us, update us, how are ya doin?
It is nice to see you again and I hope all is well with you
Thanks, Serenity.
Status quo with me. Full steam ahead w/D.Wife completely gone. Totally replaced by cold, almost mean stranger.
(((((Gardener)))))
I am sorry my friend...I will keep you in my prayers that your W has her fog lifted.
(((((Gardener)))))
I am sorry my friend...I will keep you in my prayers that your W has her fog lifted.
Oh, Serenity if that would/could only happen!
Gardener...
Not sure of your faith/beliefs however I truly believe we will all get through this...
We will all come out ahead...
Right now we are shaken and battered and bruised and depressed however as I was told today this to shall pass...
I was sitting here tonight not really thinking but not really not thinking and something told me to look up a Bible passage - Psalm 42...
I have never had anything tell me to look up any passages so I looked it up and I will post it here for you...
For all of you...
It is a bit long however it speaks volumes...
Before I do that here is another bump I have encountered maybe you can help me with...
Yesterday my 14 year old was arrested for trespassing - I can barely type that without crying - I haven't told my H yet - 2 reasons - Fear he really won't care and fear he may think I am not doing a good enough job and take him...
What would you do?
Here is the passage - It is about spiritual depression - This is something the Bible teaches over and over again — the rhythm of trials followed by blessing (Ps. 66:10-12; Lam. 3:21-36), suffering followed by hope (Rom. 5:3-5)
Psalm 42:
As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
3 My tears have been my food
day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
4 These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.
5 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and 6 my God.
My [c] soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
7 Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.
8 By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.
9 I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"
10 My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
11 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
((((Hugs))))
Gardener...
Not sure of your faith/beliefs however I truly believe we will all get through this...
Thank you for that, Serenity. I am a Christian and posted today on my thread about the annual weekend retreat I've been going to for over 20 years. Kind of bittersweet. Check it out.
Yesterday my 14 year old was arrested for trespassing - I can barely type that without crying - I haven't told my H yet - 2 reasons - Fear he really won't care and fear he may think I am not doing a good enough job and take him...
What would you do?
Depending on the nature of the trespass, I would go easy on him. Deeply disappointed, what caused you to do such a thing?, etc. He's going through a completely different rough time in your sitch at a tough age.
Husband will not be able to take him away. Period.
I don't recall all your sitch but I seem to recall that he's not that involved with your boys, right? If so, I would just handle it. Let your son know you're faith in him is shaken and will have to be rebuilt but for now, let's get this done and behind us. I would give him an appropriate punishment/consequence in addition to what the court may give him.
As far as H goes, I wouldn't tell him. If he finds out, I would say, "While certainly wrong, it wasn't major. Clearly he's acting out some of his own pain. He and I handled it. It's water under the bridge now."
For you, Serenity:
"'For I know the plans I have for you',
declares the Lord.
'Plans to prosper you and not to harm
you, plans to give you hope and a future'"
Jeremiah 29:11
Many (((Hugs)))
Thanks Gardener....After I posted this to you, I went to catch up on your thread and saw that you have wonderful beliefs...I still think you should go on the retreat
As for H...He is not involved unless he absolutely has to be, that is mostly why I was weighing telling him at all...I did inform him our little one has the swine flu and was very ill, he did text everyday (except yesterday and today), however he never even bothered to see him...That speaks volumes to me about how far he has really fallen.
I respect your advice and appreciate this answer - "While certainly wrong, it wasn't major. Clearly he's acting out some of his own pain. He and I handled it. It's water under the bridge now."
I will do it this way.
Prayers & Hugs for you
Journaling...
I have still been on a soul-searching journey and I am coming to the conclusion that I have been dis-honoring myself.
I have accepted whatever crumbs my husband has thrown my way because I am supposed to love him unconditionally.
I have bowed down and been a doormat because I am afraid to be on my own.
I have been overwhelmed by fear, shame, anguish, shock and a whole range of other emotions.
I have allowed myself to become lost due to my husbands actions.
I haven't been the greatest Mother due these actions.
I have lived in denial for the past 3 1/2 months.
I keep thinking if I "ignore" the affair, it will end and all will return to normal, however there is no normal anymore.
I have been living in an emotional hell since March and it just gets darker and darker.
This is my fault though, I allowed myself to get to this place in order to try and save my family and my marriage.
Admitting it here doesn't make it any easier however at the time, I just wanted to do what I thought was the best for all parties involved.
You know how I feel about divorce and that hasn't changed, however I have been rethinking my stance on other things.
Somehow, someway I have got to find my way out of this damn hole I have allowed myself to fall in.
It's not all your fault. Don't dig your hole deeper than it needs to be.
I have accepted whatever crumbs my husband has thrown my way because I am supposed to love him unconditionally.
You are supposed to love yourself unconditionally first. Solution: love unconditionally but have boundaries on behavior that is unacceptable to you. Even God gave out boundaries.
I have still been on a soul-searching journey and I am coming to the conclusion that I have been dis-honoring myself.
So start honoring yourself to get out of that hole. You can handle it.
love unconditionally but have boundaries on behavior that is unacceptable to you. Even God gave out boundaries.
Coach...Apparently I am confusing love with his behavior...Until you pointed this out, I just figured it was part of loving unconditionally - The good as well as the bad...Now I need to figure out how to honor myself...
I will be completely honest...
I don't do anything without first wondering how he may react to it - If he will get mad at an action he perceives as a threat? If he won't speak to me for a few days because our last conversation somthing was said in a tone he didn't appreciate etc...Please tell me how to get over that?
I thought by now I would be past this however I still keep doing it no matter how many times I tell myself to stop - I shouldn't even care at this point right now.
I want to forward this to H however I know I would be beat with 2x4's so I will just share it with you all
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/187640237.html
I will be completely honest...
I don't do anything without first wondering how he may react to it -
So how did that work?
Doesn't matter how he will react if it is good for you. So what if he gets mad, what's he going to do divorce you?
If he won't speak to me for a few days because our last conversation somthing was said in a tone he didn't appreciate etc..
Did you say something that was hurtful, nasty or mean-spirited? If so apologise fir your behavior. Tell him you understand and say your sorry.
Now, if he is trying to blame you for being upset and discount your feelings then he is at fault. Then it's his problem not yours.
Now I need to figure out how to honor myself...
Love yourself, take care of yourself - mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Set boundaries so others see how much you love yourself.
LOL...I see your point Coach -
The fact is it doesn't work because he isn't here to begin with so he isn't reacting - I just worry he may react when he finds out...Divorce being the greatest fear though not sure why because abandonment is so much easier to deal with? HaHa
No, I stay completely business like when I have to talk to him (and he hates it).
Now, if he is trying to blame you for being upset and discount your feelings then he is at fault. Then it's his problem not yours.
This is how he acts...It is like he is looking for any reason to not have to interact with me or the boys and if he can't find one, he makes crap up.
Hard to set boundries when he isn't living here and we only communicate via text maybe once a week, if I am lucky a phone call every 2 weeks...
How is he supposed to know I am a better person if he isn't around to see it?
How is he going to know I still love him, forgive him and want our marriage to work if he can't see the changes?
How can he know I am GAL if he doesn't live near me?
This is what I am having a hard time with...
I know the 180/GAL are for me and my peace of mind however aren't they there for our partners to see the changes as well?
In a quandry today...
I have recently found out H has been ill...
He has been having problems with his heart and has been to the ER on more then one occasion...
He is on 3 different meds twice a day...
Here is my quandry - He doesn't know I filed for child support because quite frankly my state is slow when it comes to these things...
I can't get over the feeling that once he is served these papers, it may do him in...
That is some guilt I couldn't live with however I don't want to tell him either...
I don't want to add to his "stress" however if I withdraw the papers then isn't that basically giving him license to continue without any reprocussions?
Is he going to play the "sick" card anytime something comes up he doesn't want to deal with and if so how can I get around that to continue to protect myself and my sons?
I would not withdraw the filing. Being sick does not give him a pass on his responsibilities. If he is well enough to work, he is well enough to support his son financially. Why would supporting his son "do him in"?
Sorry Tristan...
I ment the shock of the papers actually being filed because he wouldn't expect it out of me in a million years...
I don't want to add stress to him however the free-ride should have ended long ago.
One doesn't have anything to do with the other. Any man should support his own child financially, and "yes" -- if you let him "play the sick card" this time, he will play it often.
Puppy
Here is my quandry - He doesn't know I filed for child support because quite frankly my state is slow when it comes to these things...
I can't get over the feeling that once he is served these papers, it may do him in...
Serenity, I sincerely doubt this will be the case. You're his W, call the Hospital , find out the name of his cardiologist and ask him his opinion. If something like
that would be able to do him in, the Doctors wouldn't release him and would keep him in hosp.
That is some guilt I couldn't live with however I don't want to tell him either...
I don't want to add to his "stress"
Life is stress.
however if I withdraw the papers then isn't that basically giving him license to continue without any reprocussions?
Yep.
Is he going to play the "sick" card anytime something comes up he doesn't want to deal with
Yep. Especialy if you let him get away with it this time.
and if so how can I get around that to continue to protect myself and my sons?
You don't. Let him and his doctors worry about that. Only priority: Protect Serenity. Protect sons.
I don't want to add stress to him...
Has he done the same for you? He has added stress to both of your lives. You are just asking the state to enforce his responsibility to the family. I do not know the nature of his condition, but I doubt that child-support is the feather that will break the camel's back (so to speak). And really it should not concern you, your son's needs should be considered long before his.
And this is why I love you guys
As usual you are all correct and I am thankful I have a place to come and post my thoughts/feelings/actions and get some great feedback on it...
Thank you all (((Hugs)))
You're welcome.
Hey, Serenity: heard from Mac?
Hey Gardener...
Not since they other day however I am going to shoot him an email and make sure all is well with him and the Mrs.
Please do, Serenity. Tell him to get his happy butt back in here and post some updates!
LOL I just did Dia and I will let y'all know when I hear back - Hopefully he will just come here and let us all know
((((Serenity))))
Psalm 34:18
Perfect my friend - Thank you
Jeremiah 29:11
Or did I mention that one already?
((((S))))
(((Gardener))) - Thank you for that passage - Just what I needed this morning.
Anyone explain this - How come when all is going well in fantasyland, I am the antichrist, however if something isn't going "right" I am the first one he comes to? He texted me this morning to let me know he paid a portion of the cell bill (clapping whoopdefriggendo)and also to tell me his phone is broke. He sounds just like my 14 year old son - I just want to respond to him and say "What the hell do you want me to do about it?" "Have the homewrecker buy you a new one".
Have I become his parent and missed it somehow?
I woke up today fed up as I told another poster on here...
Tired and angry...
There isn't enough of me to go around...
Everyone wants something from me and I feel torn in a million directions - The very last thing I need is to stroke his fricken ego.
The "darker" I try to go the more he tries to pull me in.
((((Serenity)))),
He texted me this morning to let me know he paid a portion of the cell bill (clapping whoopdefriggendo)and also to tell me his phone is broke.
Ignore his texts
He sounds just like my 14 year old son
Yep
- I just want to respond to him and say "What the hell do you want me to do about it?" "Have the homewrecker buy you a new one".
I don't blame you, but don't. Practice these.Write them down. Keep them handy for reciting:
Is that so?
Uh-huh.
That's too bad.
Wow.
I see.
Well, good luck with that
Listen I gotta go finish something I'm in the middle of. Bye
Have I become his parent and missed it somehow?
His mommy? Yes. Have you missed it somehow? No and I don't think you believe you missed it. You've allowed it. Probably for a long time.
C'mon, Serenity,
go back to basics. Write these down and keep them at the ready:
I will not return any texts for x hours. Consistently.
I will not respond to some of them
at all.
I will not allow myself to be drawn in
I will not validate, empathize or sympathize until he shows some improvement in the maturity department.
I will acknowledge only. (see above)
Everyone wants something from me
Add this to the list above: "
No"
You are strong. You are stronger than him. 'the more he tries to pull me in", the more you must not let him succeed. They're ultimately all "mini-battles" albeit there are a lot of them
You can win each one. One at a time. And it will be simple (not easy) and you will get a little better and a little stronger and a little more self-confident with each little victory.
You
can do it.
Serenity, I'll bet that among other things that you pray for, you pray for strength. Your prayers are being answered: you
are stronger. You've been given strength. Don't just be grateful for it;
Use it!
Gardener - Feeling the 2x4's my friend....Thank you for ending the pity party rather quickly
No huh - Such a simple word yet hardly ever uttered from my lips...I am a people pleaser and saying no makes people mad so I try not to do it however I am being stretched way to thin...
I guess no matter how hard I try, I will never understand his way of thinking right now. He acts like a child who isn't given his way. I feel like I have 3 children at the moment - 2 being teenagers.
My strength I questioned up until yesterday when I spoke to one of my ministers at Church - She told me it was there, just by the fact that I still get up and move forward everyday - Our problem is we want it done "now" and don't want to wait on God's time. All it takes is the faith of a mustard seed, she said.
I have been going back over the sermon yesterday and I know she is correct in what she said. I want it fixed now and am being very impatient with God.
I am tired of people questioning why I am still waiting for my H to pull his head out of his butt. I am tired of people using what he has done as an excuse. I am tired of hearing that I am an idiot or a fool or a doormat etc.. for wanting my marriage to still work out even though he is doing whatever it is he does.
It is fine if no one agrees with my decision - However it is my decision and once made, it should be respected and not thrown back in my face on a day to day basis. When it is done like this, I then question myself, my faith and my God.
I think I need to pray for more strength and more patience.
I think I need to pray for more strength and more patience.
You can never have too much of either; but you exemplify plenty of both.
I am tired of people questioning why I am still waiting for my H to pull his head out of his butt. I am tired of people using what he has done as an excuse. I am tired of hearing that I am an idiot or a fool or a doormat etc.. for wanting my marriage to still work out even though he is doing whatever it is he does.
This is a good reason to
not involve friends or family members more than necessary; I learned this the hard way -- I don't discuss my martial problems with my parents any more, after my dad sent me an email that basically said "if she doesn't want to be there, kick her out and move back home with us."
No matter how "even-minded" you may try to be when discussing your spouse, they will remember all of the bad parts if you do manage to reconcile; this will be esp. hard if there is an EA or PA in the mix.
You should leave the really painful discussion to your counselor, your minister, and people like us.
(((Tristan)))
Thank you for your kind words my friend
(((Trent)))
I agree with you 100% however I am learning the hard way as well. Because I tried to expose the affair in the beginning thinking it would end quicker that way, more then a few people know what is going on and not a day goes by that I don't hear it from someone. Now I no longer discuss it with anyone but you all and my Pastor however it is still thrown out there at almost any chance.
As I said to my Mother this morning - Any discussion about H/our marriage/our sitch is off the table and I refuse to talk about it in any way...To which she replied, I have a bad attitude...I definately need to find a new place to live lol
Like I said, I learned it the hard way too. I think my dad will come around if my wife and I reconcile, as he doesn't have much room to talk; he divorced my mom to be with another woman, and they ended up getting remarried after his dream woman proved to be less than ideal...
It sounds like you need to set some boundaries with friends and family. This is almost word-for-word what I told my father:
"I appreciate that you are looking out for me and my well-being, but you have to understand that this is my spouse and my marriage we are talking about, and I will deal with it as I choose. If you can't be supportive of my choice, then I see no reason we should discuss it any further."
"I appreciate that you are looking out for me and my well-being, but you have to understand that this is my spouse and my marriage we are talking about, and I will deal with it as I choose. If you can't be supportive of my choice, then I see no reason we should discuss it any further."
Excellent!
Trent -
I like the wording you have used - Sounds kinder then my flat out refusal so I will take those words, make them mine and tell them that way.
I do wish I could go back in time and not tell most of the people I have told however I can't so I will have to just move forward and repair the damage as best as I can.
The only thing they have followed that I have asked is not to contact my H - It has become an unspoken rule that has only been broken once (after a death in the family).
I know if we reconcile, H would be accepted back with no questions asked (from them).
I like the wording you have used - Sounds kinder then my flat out refusal so I will take those words, make them mine and tell them that way.
Thanks!
I do wish I could go back in time and not tell most of the people I have told however I can't so I will have to just move forward and repair the damage as best as I can.
I feel the same way but if we could change the past we wouldn't be in these situations, right?
We live and learn. We can't be perfect, no matter how much we want to be (and our spouses try to make it).
Trent -
Perfectly worded -
I feel the same way but if we could change the past we wouldn't be in these situations, right?
We live and learn. We can't be perfect, no matter how much we want to be (and our spouses try to make it).
I wish all days were easier however some just are harder then others no matter how we try.
Must be a Monday thing because I have seen it around the board numerous times today
I wish all days were easier however some just are harder then others no matter how we try.
Must be a Monday thing because I have seen it around the board numerous times today
Heh. I've been enjoying the forums today as well -- some new people and following some existing situations as well.
I have to be careful reading DB.com as I'm at work, but I have an alt contact in my profile.
I am at work as well and have spent half the day (so much for working lol) reading the thread Coach recommended to Gardener - Bowtech's Notes.
Absolute treasure trove of information - Some things I knew and some I didn't.
I am now taking notes
That is a great thread as well. I'm thinking of printing it out.
I just can't believe I missed it with all the time I spend here...
I am printing out a portion of it -
"The indications you might be losing your faith"
More then any other day, I needed to read that today
Coach had an even better one about his own successful busted divorce with Greek. It was entitled FILM STUDY - WHAT WORKED.
If I remember correctly, the film reference was acknowledging that his (all) DBing is like the movie Groundhog Day:Ya just keep repeating the exact same day over and over, screwing it up later and later in each day until finally you get it all right and do it all right for the right reasons and in the right sequence.
It was all great advice. I remember it being peppered repeatedly throughout with:
"Worked on myself. Worked on myself. Worked on myself."
I haven't had a chance to speak to Coach much unless he pops by here and gives me some very good advice - I don't think I have ever spoken to Greek.
I do know that the advice I get from Coach and Puppy seems to work the best for the most part - Even though I will admit I fight it every step of the way
- Once I stop fighting and implement their advice, I see results quicker then when I do it my way...
Yes I just publically acknowledged I am wrong
Yes I just publically acknowledged I am wrong
S'OK, we won't tell anyone.
LOL Thanks Trent -
Puppy should like the acknowledgement because from day one I fought his advice tooth and nail...
He came on my post almost daily with advice I either didn't agree with or basically didn't like yet he still came...
He never gave up on me from the beginning and today many months later, I can honestly say, I respect his advice more then any other on here (no offense to anyone at all) because he made me take a very long, hard look within myself...
He showed me how to weed out what I didn't need, draw strength from what I already had, take a stand for what I believed in, guided me on the next move each time I asked, let go when I needed to let go and draw closer to God when I had no other option. He gave me permission (so to speak) to cry, to be angry, to hurt, then he showed me how to move forward from that...
He didn't let me fall when I was so close to hitting the ground and not getting back up...He has been tough as well as kind and I thank God every night for that, for all the people I have met here and for the ones who haven't found their way here yet.
Advice just for the sake of advice - Listen very well to the ones who have been here longer. (Puppy, Coach, Wifey etc...) They do know what they are talking about.
I know personally every fiber of your being will scream they are wrong, they don't know my spouse, they don't know what they are talking about, my sitch is different (excuses we all use at one point or another) etc...
However they do know - Don't fight it like I did and waste precious time...
Time I could have used to heal a little quicker...
Time I could have used to shield my sons' a little faster...
They are here for us, to help in any way they can - Listen to them.
Coach had an even better one about his own successful busted divorce with Greek. It was entitled FILM STUDY - WHAT WORKED.
Google to the rescue!
Here is the thread.
Thanks - Going to that thread now
Thank you Serenity for the kind post on my thread; my prayers are with you too. I have been reading along, but haven't had much to add to what others have said here. You are doing well.
You are very welcome Tristan and I thank you as well for your kind words.
I have had a few days of nothing but thinking going on, trying to weed out some things that aren't working, incorporating some new things...
I don't have the contact that I kinda wish I did from H however I am now ok with that...
The more I pull back the more he texts me out of the blue for asinine reasons, which in turn gives me a chance to put into practice all that I have learned here...
I am working on finding a place to live for the boys and I
They need the stability and I need space away from my family.
I am thankful for them however they can be very overbearing at times...
I have found myself turning to the bottle (very odd since I don't normally drink) more often then not so I have to rectify that as well...
I have realized that I am trying to do everything all at the same time...
My baby steps have turned into leaps and that isn't working because I feel overwhelmed most of the time so I am trying to go back to one step at a time...
Just trying to learn how to breathe again without gasping for air
Puppy - Seeking you out...
I am at work just doing what I normally do and for some reason I can't get the "mind movies" to stop no matter what I try...I am not sure why they are playing right now however all I can think about is the fact that he was so very intimate with her (details not needed however I am sure you get my drift beyond basic sex)...
Makes me sick to my stomach and I can't turn them off - Do you have any tricks besides the "stop sign"?
1. Meditation
2. Mindfulness or ("mindfulness cognitive behavioral therapy" if you prefer the Western term).
3. Doing an activity that creates "flow" (painting, sports, writing, whatever)
(and this one by O'Dog)
4. Doing and activity that requires intense constant focus (and maybe even an element of risk) such as juggling, riding a bike, rock climbing, riding a motorcycle...
Not that all goes smooth for the Dog. I know what I need to do but I don't always do it before problems get to me.
(((((Serenity)))))
I have a question.....
How can you lovingly hit someone with a 2 x 4?
This question is for Serenity AND me - I'm getting an urge to start swinging at two wonderful women
Serenity - the last couple of posts you made on your thread here have been answered by yourself (refer #1862467 - 10/26/09 09:54 PM).
I have a feeling that the only problem you have is that you're losing you "faith" in yourself and your aims. The advice you've taken on-board is all so very valid - that same advice that was given to me by your good self and so many others. Advice which WORKED.
I know situations are different in "peripheral" details - jobs, homes etc. but the basic, the BASIC thing here is to concentrate on ONE thing - and what would that be??? Answers on the back of a postcard please
The rest will take care of themselves because you'll be the correct frame of mind to deal with the rest of the "poop".
Here endeth todays pummeling
BTW - hope you don't mind me hijacking your thread to fill you in on the up's (and downs) of my situation
Are we sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin the condensed version
The W and I are still back together. Everyone and I mean (EVERYONE except the "friend") is happy to see this.
W found a good job with LOADS of responsibility which she loves. She's just received her first full paycheck and is feeling wanted and appreciated not only in our home but outside as well. She feels her worth. Things changed for the better - out of the blue!
I'm doing very well in sticking to the changes I've made in my life but I see problems in my W. It's damn difficult dealing with situations that re-occur that I know are "dangerous". It's like trying to steer a car that's pulling to the left all the time. Patience and lots of it are STILL required.
The W asked a question last night - "Can you see J being let back into our lives" and my answer "No. After this third time that our "friend" has been involved to ever greater extents the answer is a categoric no." W's reaction? Smiles. She KNOWS (because I told her - no mind reading required) that I'll do whatever is required to keep our future safe from all enemies foreign and domestic (you know the drill).
Friend is still trying to pull W's strings (and her fathers) but it's working less and less because I'm there for her. She discuss's things and with the lessons I've learned here, she's dead in the water
Serenity - stick with it - you've proved that you can take the hits over and over again. More than any person should rightfully take and come out stronger and more determined. Stay on course. I'm going to be your back-seat driver.
Hugs - loadsa loadsa hugs Serenity.
Mac
(((O'Dog)))
Thank you for the suggestions - Had I not been at work, I would have gone for a nice long walk however nothing seemed to work until I broke down last night after I got home...
Today is a new, better day
(((Mac)))
Forever my champion when I need it the most. I feel better today then I have in the last few days and you are correct - I was losing faith in myself. The tension was building and I could feel it which is what I think brought the mind movies on yesterday...
By the time I got home, I had a raging headache and was questioning every move I have made thus far so I picked up the phone and talked to a friend from Church...
After a nice cry, I felt much better. I got some decent sleep last night and actually ate something this morning. I have refocused back to myself and the boys and once again away from my H...
All is well in my land as long as I don't hear from him, once he contacts and puts me into the "Mommy" position is when I start losing it haha
No worries on hi-jacking my thread - I am just happy to see you again, happy things are going well even though the roller coaster ride isn't over...
Congrats to the Mrs on her job...
I will admit I am a bit worried about your W wanting the F to be back in the picture once again...
Please tell me you implemented NC once she decided to return home? The last thing you need is this "F" coming back into the picture and you having to start all over again...
Good that your W is coming to you and you are discussing these things together...
Keep that up! I am so proud of you and the way you are sticking to what works for you...
I will continue to stick to it (so buckle up my friend) however somedays the hits are just to many...
Somedays I just want to hit back.
Serenity, you are a strong, amazing, thoughtful woman. Any man would be lucky to have you.
Most of you don't realize this, but there is a "Notify" feature that you can enable on the forum, to allow you to follow a favorite thread, or a particular poster. I use it rarely -- usually only when I'm concerned about someone's physical well-being, or their severely distraught emotional state, so that I'll get an e-mail notifying me that they've posted to the board, and the e-mail will include a copy of their post, and a link to it. (Contrary to popular belief, I DO have a life outside of the DB boards, y'know.
)
Anyway, I digress.
I've noticed a pattern with our Serenity.
No matter HOW much of her own chit she's dealing with, my first "notify" e-mails about her every day ALWAYS are posts from her to others, where she offers support, advice or simply encouragement. THEN, the LAST one, will be her own post to her own thread, where she vents or asks for advice or just gives us an update.
That "concern for others, first" Serenity is what will keep you strong and okay thru all of this. The God I believe in protects people like you, and helps them.
Puppy
(((Puppy)))
As I sit here reading your words with tears in my eyes, I am truly (I know you all are probably shocked LOL) at a loss trying to respond to your kind words...
(I didn't know there was a notify button BTW thanks for the tip)
I could use your words to me the other day stating "You never really know if you are making a difference"...
I feel for the new ones here as well as the ones I have gotten to know who came around the same time I did, I feel for the ones who have been here awhile with not many changes as well as the ones who have had changes yet they aren't the changes that were expected.
I learned early on from a wise soul (Yes you Puppy) - Expect nothing...
All I expect is to be a little bit stronger each day I wake up and each new day I face, puts a tiny bit of my soul back in place...That is what I am trying to do here as well...
You will never know how much your above post means to me Puppy and from the bottom of my heart, I thank you.
That "concern for others, first" Serenity is what will keep you strong and okay thru all of this. The God I believe in protects people like you, and helps them.
Puppy
I too believe this. You have helped me so much with your insight and encouragement. I always look forward to your posts and you are always in my prayers.
Stay strong.
(((Tristan)))
Thank you for your kind words...You are also in my thoughts & prayers
Yes, Seren, you were among the first to help me as a newbie. You're posts have meant alot to me and is encouraging me to help others whenever I can. Looking forward to your future posts and God bless.
Awww - You guys are so kind...
Sam ~
I can say I am happy you are at least listening to the advice given to you by me, Trent, Puppy and anyone else who comes along...
Use what applies to you and discard the rest.
I am glad it is helping you to help others as well.
Somehow, someway we are here for a reason at this point in time and I for one am very thankful for all of you guys.
(((Hugs))) & Prayers to you all
Serenity,
Hi, I'm back after a good coupla days off. Just caught up on everyone and sought you out only to find that I'd missed
Serenity13 Appreciation Day.
Awww - You guys are so kind...
So, I belatedly chime in and agree with one and all and add that to me you have been a kind, thoughtful, STRONG women of faith who I have come to rely on for mutual support, fellowship, and fun!
Would love to meetcha some day.
(((Gardener)))
As I stated on your thread - I am glad you are back...
I was so happy to see you lost your rope - Wanna show me how you did that?
I thank you very much for your kind words and as I said to Puppy it surprises me since of course I don't think I am making any kind of difference to anyone here since we are all pretty much in the same boat...
I would love to meet you in real life as well, I have come to rely on your responses to me as well and I always look forward to your posts...We never know what the Lord has in store for any of us
Serenity,
I was so happy to see you lost your rope - Wanna show me how you did that?
Beats the heck outta me!
I half expect it to show up again somewhere. But I won't pick it up!
LOL...Don't know if that is going to help me much however I am proud of you my friend!
Journal/Vent...
Today I did something I haven't done in awhile, I checked the cell bill...
I should be slapped everytime that thought crosses my mind...
Anyway, things have cooled down considerably with the OW however really picking up steam with the exgf from HS...
I sat there looking at all the texts and calls and felt like I had been slapped straight back to 8 months ago...
1st thought - Why aren't we good enough for him? (I know in my head it isn't about us, but my heart says otherwise)...
2nd thought - I can't do this again with a new OW...
I don't have the strength within me...
3rd thought - I wonder, looking back if he ever really loved me or just the idea of marriage at the time...
I can look back at certain instances that should have been a warning bell going off however I was to naive to notice it...
The exgf from HS has been in our marriage every few years starting from the day we got engaged...
In hindsight, he knew how I felt about her yet still continued to find a way to contact her (he says she contacted him everytime however I no longer believe that) every few years, carry on with her (probably emotionally), lie his POS ass off to me then when his guilt kicked in would admit it, beg for forgiveness, swear it would never happen again and we would be good for a few years - Rinse & Repeat...
I am drained with just the ex from middle school and I am a little upset that I still can't find the anger stage -
The stage that would probably help me the most is the one that is most elusive to me...
Ok done venting - No 2x4's needed because I damn sure know better by now then to even bother looking...
Nothing like asking for trouble
So sorry you're having a rough time tonight Seren.
Lots of love from this direction.
Thank you Trent ~
Had to repost that 3 times before I got it right lol...
I will be ok, this I do know - He will not break me again...
I am just astonished at the hurt that is caused day afer day after day and these spouses really don't seem to give a rats' a** about the damage they cause...
I see new people come here everyday and my heart breaks for them...
I just want to wrap them all up and drop them on an island somewhere far away because they have no clue what is in store for them in the coming days, weeks, months etc...
Anyway - My bad for even thinking I could look at the bill with no reaction - Just wasn't what I expected.
Prayers, Hugs & Love right back in your direction
Serenity,
Anyway, things have cooled down considerably with the OW however really picking up steam with the exgf from HS...
I sat there looking at all the texts and calls and felt like I had been slapped straight back to 8 months ago...
1st thought - Why aren't we good enough for him? (I know in my head it isn't about us, but my heart says otherwise)...
2nd thought - I can't do this again with a new OW...
I don't have the strength within me...
3rd thought - I wonder, looking back if he ever really loved me or just the idea of marriage at the time...
I'm sorry, Serenity. Don't know what words I can say...
I am drained with just the ex from middle school and I am a little upset that I still can't find the anger stage -
The stage that would probably help me the most is the one that is most elusive to me...
Not to worry: it will find you, eventually. It's
just now beginning to catch up to me. Last week, my family doctor said to me "So tell me: when are you going to get angry?" Me: "What?" Her: "You've cycled through all the stages except one: when are you going to get angry ? At her? About this?" And I've finally been letting myself acknowledge and feel the very real anger that is due. Overdue.
So:Gggrrrrr....
And one for you: Gggrrrr....r
Be good to yourself. You deserve it.
(((Gardener)))
Always nice to know you have my back - I know better and I should kick myself for even borrowing that trouble but I do that to test myself - To see if I am strong enough to take it without reacting and I fail every damn time
Knowing me and I think I know me pretty well, this is very shocking to me - Normally I am angry first and foremost then the other emotions eventually find their way in...
My anger has helped me survive some pretty crappy things during the course of my life and to not have it is unsettling to me...
My psychiatrist was so worried when this started because she knows all about the anger I harbor that she doubled all of my meds for the first few months...Now I am tapered back to the normal dose and still no anger...
I don't even "hate" the OW. I feel sorry for her but other then that, she is not on my radar as far as feelings go...
Hmmm...Maybe this means I am an adult now lol
Doubt it but it sounded good.
I am off to get some much needed sleep -
Trent & Gardener ~ Thank you for not beating me up to bad and for keeping me company - Sweet dreams...
You are all in my thoughts & prayers tonight
(((Hugs)))
Goodnight.
Oh and re:your question over at my place:
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
Be Impeccable With Your Word
Don't Take Anything Personally
Don't Make Assumptions
Always Do Your Best
Get it. You won't be disappointed.
I am just astonished at the hurt that is caused day afer day after day and these spouses really don't seem to give a rats' a** about the damage they cause...
I see new people come here everyday and my heart breaks for them...
I just want to wrap them all up and drop them on an island somewhere far away because they have no clue what is in store for them in the coming days, weeks, months etc...
But as someone's sig quote points out, many of them are hurting just as bad. They're just choosing to take it out on us. It's not fair, but we have the power to end our pain whenever we want, by leaving them behind.
And yeah, even in the week or so I've been here, seeing new people come in every day makes me feel like an emotional trauma surgeon.
Gardener ~ I read your post on it and once I get off work today then I will go on the hunt for it...
Thank you for the recommendation
Trent ~ You are correct that they are hurting as well however as an adult looking in, it still makes no sense that they choose to act out like a teenager...
Granted my H has the morals of an alley cat (at this point in time) however I won't leave him behind...
That just isn't an option for me...
It goes against my beliefs as well as what I feel God wants me to do...
Someday down the line that may change however right now I will pick myself back up from my self imposed fall (because again, I know better then to look), and I will go forward...
I have some fun plans for tonight then I have Church tomorrow...
For the first time, my oldest son will be joining me at Church tomorrow
Happy Halloween to you all.
Prayers and (((Hugs)))) to everyone ~ Stay safe
Trent ~ You are correct that they are hurting as well however as an adult looking in, it still makes no sense that they choose to act out like a teenager...
In my wife's case, her family upbringing was one of "suck it up and put on a brave face"; they didn't work things out. So she is used to internalizing things and not talking about it.
Now she feels like she is alone, because she won't reach out to anyone that will actually help her and has pushed away people who have offered. She hasn't figured out how to move forward.
If she chooses to have faith that I will be there for her, maybe I can help with that. Right now, I can only wait and pray for her.
I have been open about the process I'm going through -- she knows I'm in therapy, and she's seen my copy of
The Five Love Languages and
His Needs Her Needs (not DB or DR though!) She says she knows we need to talk to someone together, but hasn't committed to anything. And she's still technically in recovery from her surgery until the end of this week, so I won't push it yet.
Hi Seren, I'm sorry for the new OW. You have my prayers.
How was Halloween? I told you W wanted us to trickortreat with s5. I had a hard time not to look so glum. It's hard to be detached while in her company. She even talked about me needing a haircut so that I can get ready to date again. Ouch! Did she really mean that? I know the rule is not to believe anything they say, but why is that? I have't read DR yet, so maybe it will explain it. But, just don't know why everything they say in not to be believed.
Looking forward to know how today has been for you. You are in such a rollercoaster and I wish I was far along enough to give advice, but nice to know TrentC and Gardener have your back. I have such a long way to go. Reminds me of the Robert Frost poem: "and miles to go before I sleep. And miles to go before I sleep". Sigh.
It goes against my beliefs as well as what I feel God wants me to do...
Seren, being Catholic, I too have a srong belief that God wants me to fight for my marriage. I can choose the easy way and throw in the towel, but, I choose to fight--even though my heart will be laid bare for the whippin. You have chose to do this too. I admire that.
I have such a long way to go. Reminds me of the Robert Frost poem: "and miles to go before I sleep. And miles to go before I sleep". Sigh.
Even tougher when almost every night feels like "...the darkest evening of the year."
She even talked about me needing a haircut so that I can get ready to date again. Ouch! Did she really mean that? I know the rule is not to believe anything they say, but why is that?
Because despite what they say, they are not yet 100% committed to leaving you. So they say things to reassure themselves that this is a positive thing (or to goad you into reacting in such a way that it validates their decision):
* "You'll bounce back after the D is final"
* "I love you but I'm not in love with you" (A favorite!)
* "The D will be hard on the kids but they'll adjust"
* "The kids wouldn't want us to be together but unhappy"
They are still conflicted, which is why "getting a life" and 180s can work -- they have a mental image of the life and the person they are leaving. If you change that mental image, it throws them off.
And yeah, even in the week or so I've been here, seeing new people come in every day makes me feel like an emotional trauma surgeon.
Yes. I've only been on a few weeks more than you and I feel like a veteran. It's interesting watching people evolve the way I've had to ... and then read the threads that have been going on for three years and realize I still have a ways to go.
Yes. I've only been on a few weeks more than you and I feel like a veteran. It's interesting watching people evolve the way I've had to ... and then read the threads that have been going on for three years and realize I still have a ways to go.
It's one of the reasons why so many of us start throwing out "What 180s are you doing? Have you dropped the rope? What about getting a life?" to new people as they come on -- it's kinda like triage.
I'm also beginning to understand why people take breaks from the site for a few days; some people's stories are so painful, or close to our own, or frustrating to read, that it starts sucking our own energy away.
I'm also beginning to understand why people take breaks from the site for a few days; some people's stories are so painful, or close to our own, or frustrating to read, that it starts sucking our own energy away.
In my case, it's the other way around. My W seems so determined to D that I'd get depressed reading the threads where the WAS shows some indecision.
I so want a second chance. I can't believe it's ... just ... over.
But I'm doing better marching on.
Serenity ~
(((HUGS)))
I am so sorry to hear about what you found on your last expedition.
When will we ever learn...
We go along for awhile gaining our strength, then it hits us...
Mmmm... I wonder what he has been up to lately, I wonder who he has been with, is he still with ow.
Then POW! We get knocked back down, and wished we had never done that. It's our wanting to know that gets us. We think maybe things are cooling off then we get curious and go off to find some evidence.
The other day, I got curious and checked out the Harley. It is a touring bike with lots of compartments. I found a bag of stuff he brought back from a bike rally with the agenda inside it. It was the weekend he said he was house sitting for someone. He has no trouble lieing to me. I was actually thinking about doing something nice for him, since he was supposedly doing something nice for someone else.
MLCer's lie. I need to remember that.
I think it's on page 1 of their script!
I have been reading all posts by rollercoasterrider. She can be found in the MLC archives. She also has her own website. The things she has to say is right on. I, without a doubt, now know H is in MLC. She has so much valuable advice.
Reading them took up a lot of my weekend, but it was well worth it.
Keep looking up!
MJ
* "You'll bounce back after the D is final"
* "I love you but I'm not in love with you" (A favorite!)
* "The D will be hard on the kids but they'll adjust"
* "The kids wouldn't want us to be together but unhappy"
So, to detach, I should have answered that it was a good idea to get a haircut so that I can start bettering myself to look presentable cuz you never know who you'll meet?
(sorry Seren, don't mean to hijack your thread)
So, to detach, I should have answered that it was a good idea to get a haircut so that I can start bettering myself to look presentable cuz you never know who you'll meet?
Well, you could have simply agreed and said something like "I've been thinking of changing things up a little."
She can think whatever she wants about why, but maybe a new 'do on you might get her thinking. Especially if it comes with a wardrobe transformation, getting in shape, etc.
Journaling~
Just spent about 3 hours on 2 phone calls with H...
The first ended badly with him hanging up on me (he says he didn't, he had to get back to work)...
The conversation started out just fine until he informed me he was moving his banking to the town he lives in - Which for some reason set me the hell off the charts...
I have my own account and we also share an account - His paycheck goes into our account and I take basically half (for now until the courts say otherwise)...
By moving his account I would then have to "ask" him for any money concerning the boys...
That to me is unfair and I stated as such...
From that point on, it went downhill with me calling (actually I was yelling) the fat troll almost every name in the book as well as letting him know how I feel about his lack of concern and parenting to our sons...
He stated he hadn't changed his mind, still wanted a divorce and he was now going to Church - That floored me so I told him that I was glad he was going back to Church (regardless of the skank sitting next to him) and that I hoped God would help him find what he was looking for...
I informed him his son had been arrested which he in turn got pissed about because it was 2 weeks ago...
I told him I had handled it however he may be getting a call from the public defender so I wanted him to know what it was about...
Said he had talked to our son before school started about what he needs to do, how he needed to act etc...
I in turn said "Talking to him and being there for him (regardless of us right now) are two different things."
I said I don't appreciate him never calling our little one and how he has yet to see him since July...
He played the "Kids are resiliant" card with me so I in turn said "You weren't"...
He said what do you mean - I said you are just like your damn Father (who walked out on his Mom and his siblings when he was 5)...
What you did was no better then what he did - He in turn informs me that he was good for 36 years before the damage kicked in
WTF?
In his mind he can divorce me and be saved, forgiven, baptized and then go to Heaven to which I explained it doesn't work like that...
He said what do you mean? I said you have to repent your sins - He said I asked for forgiveness to which I replied yet you are still living in sin - Repenting means changing your ways from a life of sin...
He says well then I can't do that to which then I called him a hypocrite...
I said you are using the Bible and twisting it to justify what you are doing...
He said he doesn't want to be married to anyone ever again...
He doesn't owe me an explanation as to why nor did he at the time he stuck his junk in someone else...
He said he would come get the boys on Sunday and take them to his place to which I said - Not gonna happen - You will not parade your flavor of the month around our sons...
You don't want to married, fine, file however I will have my attorney put it in writing that any OW are not to be introduced to the boys on a continuous basis because you can't decide who gets your d**k tonight. He hung up right after that...
About 10 minutes later I get another phone call...
After apologizing for hanging up, he then informs me (concerning his feelings)that "anything could change tomorrow" and then talked as if we didn't just have the previous conversation and he ended it with I love you...
Now I am spent emotionally, I feel like I have gone 5 rounds with Mike Tyson...
Talking to him is like having a simultaneous conversation with 10 different people...
I feel like I just effed up royally and backslid so far I will never paddle out of this one and I don't even know where to begin...
Up until now I have neutralized "her" and never make mention of her in any of our conversations...
Today I threatened her with bodily harm if I ever see her out and about...Told him I would beat her down to within an inch of her life for f*****g my H and F*****g up my family...
I thought I was above this...
I have no words of wisdom for anyone today and I am sorry.
Journaling~
Just spent about 3 hours on 2 phone calls with H...
[...]
Today I threatened her with bodily harm if I ever see her out and about...Told him I would beat her down to within an inch of her life for f*****g my H and F*****g up my family...
I thought I was above this...
I have no words of wisdom for anyone today and I am sorry.
That's OK, Serenity; everyone is allowed to have a bad day.
You take it easy. We'll all be here once you've pulled yourself together.
Trent ~
Thank you for your kind words...
I am so lost today ~ I had my confirmation yesterday at Church (yes my oldest attended - I will post about that soon) and one of the last things my Pastor said to me was "When you walk out this door ~ Satan will try to bring you down no matter what"...Looks like he is winning today - How can my H claim salvation yet still carry on like this...
Today I just hurt all the way to my soul
Trent ~
Thank you for your kind words...
"Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us. And lead us not into temptation."
--Luke 11:4
I am so lost today ~ I had my confirmation yesterday at Church (yes my oldest attended - I will post about that soon) and one of the last things my Pastor said to me was "When you walk out this door ~ Satan will try to bring you down no matter what"...Looks like he is winning today - How can my H claim salvation yet still carry on like this...
Today I just hurt all the way to my soul
((Serenity))
Your pastor is right.
Here is a forum post I made -- wow, only over a week ago? -- with some scripture to help you keep some peace.
I had a good conversation with someone from the men's ministry at my church yesterday. it was so good that I missed the actual sermon! Speaking of, here are some sermons from my pastor, if you're looking for something to listen to.
A 3-part series about the life of Job (which I think many of us can relate to):
When Life Falls ApartWhen Pain is ProlongedWhen God Shows UpFrom the 40 Days of Love series we just completed:
Love Lets it Go(There are a whole bunch of others you can download from
here.)
Serenity,
Well, as I said to Givingitmyall a couple of days ago, "Doesn't it feel good to just let it fly!"
Re: the banking, sometimes it'll be the unexpected things that set us "the hell off the charts."
Don't ever "ask" for money. Inform him of his financial responsibilities as a father. Don't even "ask" him when you'll get it: "When can I expect it," or, "It is needed by (date).
I informed him his son had been arrested which he in turn got pissed about because it was 2 weeks ago...
I told him I had handled it however he may be getting a call from the public defender so I wanted him to know what it was about...
Said he had talked to our son before school started about what he needs to do, how he needed to act etc...
I in turn said "Talking to him and being there for him (regardless of us right now) are two different things."
Bravo!
I said I don't appreciate him never calling our little one and how he has yet to see him since July...
Unpardonable. Unconscionable.
About 10 minutes later I get another phone call...After apologizing for hanging up, he then informs me (concerning his feelings)that "anything could change tomorrow" and then talked as if we didn't just have the previous conversation and he ended it with I love you...
So, first call from Alien, second call (after you shellacked him) from Semi-Alien?
I feel like I just effed up royally and backslid so far I will never paddle out of this one and I don't even know where to begin...Up until now I have neutralized "her" and never make mention of her in any of our conversations...Today I threatened her with bodily harm if I ever see her out and about...Told him I would beat her down to within an inch of her life for f*****g my H and F*****g up my family...
I thought I was above this...
You're human. Go dark for a while. Don't initiate, don't answer.
Rest tonight. Don't even spend time here. Go be good to yourself
((()))
Serenity.
It happens. It was authentic, I'll give you that.
So as Gardener says, just re-group. Personally, I think he needed to hear some of that stuff. Maybe something "stuck."
Puppy
Rest tonight. Don't even spend time here. Go be good to yourself
((()))
Agreed. You're one of the good humans; you have a good night and play with your kids.
Keep this in mind: in the time to come, your sons will see how you and their father work this out. And their hearts will always lie with the one that was there for
them, regardless of how the relationship turns out.
You can work on helping them heal their relationship with their father if he chooses to be part of their life.
(((Serenity)))
Don't beat yourself up. You are human and allowed to go off once in a while. It was authentic and there were parts of it where I was saying "good for you". That is just my honest reaction.
If it's a joint account, how can he move/close it without your permission? Is he just opening a whole new account?
Honey, you need to protect yourself legally. File for a legal separation at least so you're assured of finances. And document his lack of participation in his sons' lives...I'm betting if he files and finds out that he'll have to pay extra $$$ if he doesn't take more time with them he'll *all of a sudden* want to be dad of the year. Document it now.
And please, protect your finances, at least in terms of support for your sons. Hardball, chica. God says forgive, but nowhere does He say be a doormat. Right is Right, and the legal system is in place to help enforce that.
SD
It was what you needed to do Serenity, you're such a good person and there's so many on here rooting for you!
You'll bounce back stronger. I know you will.
hi there dear serenity
I can see that yesterday was a day that sent you downward. However, you know that whatever bad spot you are in that Jesus is right there with you and will tend to your hurts and your wounds and will replace them with His all encompassing love.
May the sun shine brightly either literally, figuratively or both on this present day. Live it and may many blessings shower upon you and keep you in a positive way.
Praise Him and have peace!
Ted
And yeah, even in the week or so I've been here, seeing new people come in every day makes me feel like an emotional trauma surgeon.
Yes. I've only been on a few weeks more than you and I feel like a veteran. It's interesting watching people evolve the way I've had to ... and then read the threads that have been going on for three years and realize I still have a ways to go.
CTH - it is a marathon and not a sprint. Sad you have to be here but it really is the best place in this sitch.
BTW - I'm at 1 1/2 years.
Puppy - Do you have any tricks besides the "stop sign"?
Hey Serenity, I used to keep a thick rubber band on my wrist and snap it when I couldn't stop the mind movies.
Knowing me and I think I know me pretty well, this is very shocking to me - Normally I am angry first and foremost then the other emotions eventually find their way in...
My anger has helped me survive some pretty crappy things during the course of my life and to not have it is unsettling to me...
My psychiatrist was so worried when this started because she knows all about the anger I harbor that she doubled all of my meds for the first few months...Now I am tapered back to the normal dose and still no anger...
I don't even "hate" the OW. I feel sorry for her but other then that, she is not on my radar as far as feelings go...
Hmmm...Maybe this means I am an adult now lol
Doubt it but it sounded good.
Serenity,
I happen to be in the camp that says anger isn't always the saving grace. I had a choice to be angry or not. I didn't want anger and bitterness to be a part of my life. I would rather concentrate on building the good and positive in my life. Anger is a little like taking poison and thinking your enemy will die.
The times I have gotten angry always ended badly. I would rather go in the bedroom and have a good cry to get something out of my system.
Good morning all ~
All I can say is wow...
I really expected to come here today and get a bunch of 2x4's but instead found love and support so I thank you all very much...
I am a better today for the most part...
I went home and hung out with my boys then watched the game when the little one went to bed...
I tried to get some good sleep however my mind wanted to play the conversation over and over again and different responses I could have given besides the ones I gave (Wifey, thank you for the rubberband idea, I will try that as of today)...
Hindsight is a b***h.
I am not proud of some of the things I said regarding the OW, I am not proud I threatened her, I am not proud of calling my H a bad father who is so selfish he can't see past the nose on his face (yes Gardener what I said is true, he has not seen our youngest son even one time since the day he walked out)...
I was so hurt last night he twisted the Bible to justify his actions and then threw it in my face...
I was pissed he is trying to take from our sons to finance his life over there...
I contacted 2 separate lawyers today, not to file however to speed up the child support process because I will not degrade myself by asking him for money every 2 weeks and then having to say what it is for etc (I am now waiting for one of them to contact me back)...
SD ~ He is moving his banking there so opening a new account, there is no legal seperation in our state though so I can't take that road.
Trent ~ Thank you for the links, I will listen to them this evening after I get off work...
So there you have it, I reacted on emotion yesterday and it got us nowhere...
I still think he is nothing but a liar and couldn't tell the truth if his life depended on it...
I see he is still lost in the fog...
I feel sorry for him as well...
The statement that he made "I haven't filed because I don't have the money" was very painful for me to hear and I really don't know if I should believe that or not...
I honestly at this point in time don't know what to believe in anymore.
Today I am calmer though still reeling from that first conversation however I am still moving forward, I will not allow this to set me back to the person I was a couple of months ago.
Serenity,
Today I am calmer though still reeling from that first conversation however I am still moving forward, I will not allow this to set me back to the person I was a couple of months ago.
Glad to see you're feeling somewhat better and really glad you just chilled with your boys last night.
I've heard about the wrist rubber band technique, but what's this?
Puppy - Do you have any tricks besides the "stop sign"?
Hi Gardener...
I was once told to imagine a "stop sign" when the mind movies started playing however it just didn't work for me no matter how hard I tried.
I would put the sign in my head and say stop over and over however my thoughts would run right past that sign, kinda like my driving lol
Serenity,
Interesting how people have different perception tendencies: some retain, perceive, process information more tactilely, some visually, some more aurally.
When it happens in my head, it's never movies.
But will someone please shut off the
soundtrack!
LOL...
I am glad I don't have the soundtrack to go with the movie - The visuals I have are bad enough...
Though I will say (if my H is to be believed) my "perception" of how the other life is going with the OW (you know, her waiting for him to get home with a nice homecooked meal on the table, her then cleaning up and they going to bed to have mind-blowing sex for hours at a time) is wayyyy different then what he tells me...
I have a very active imagination
PDoc told the Dog to stay busy. He wasn't surprised at all that I didn't mood track for a good portion of the summer. There was a lot going on and not much time to ruminate over the bad things.
It's tougher now in the fall with fewer opportunities to play. He was insistent that the Dog write a journal, work on feelings and such, but at a certain time CLOSE THE BOOK and move on to an activity. Let feelings have their time and place but don't let them take over the entire day.
Easier said than done but the Dog will work on this.
I have a very active imagination
There was one time that I got a very vivid mental image of my wife with another man in particular.
I've been able to keep most of those away; I have a competing mental image that I meditate on when I start to slip, though.
I have actual pics- copied and stored in an secure, undisclosed location- just in case I need them later...
I hope today is going better for you!-
Bunny
Ugh. I don't need pics, the mental images I came up with were upsetting enough.
I'm fine, really. robx's post about The Quick Solution was a good, if inadvertant, 2x4 that I needed.
I have an appointment tomorrow morning with a lawyer...
This isn't what I should be writing, this isn't what I should be doing but it is what it is (I hate that saying BTW)...
I haven't functioned well today at work, I keep wondering what I did wrong even though I know this isn't about me...
He couldn't even give me a reason other then "I don't want to be married to anyone at all" - 20 years and that is all I get
...
I guess we will see where this leads, I need him to support his children and I also learned I get half his retirement (retired military) so hopefully I will be able to find a place for the boys and I soon...
I saw some pictures of the 2 of them in the beginning then he changed the wallpaper on his phone to a picture of them wrapped in each other's arms...
An image I will never have erased from my mind...
I don't need the hard copies, I already have them seared into my brain forever and ever.
He couldn't even give me a reason other then "I don't want to be married to anyone at all" - 20 years and that is all I get
...
There's a reason why this forum has a section titled
Divorced, But Not Done.And I can hold my parents up as an example of remarriage -- they were married for 29 years, divorced for 10 months, got remarried and are still going strong now. It's not a perfect marriage, but they are happier then they were.
God has some funny twists is store for us, one way or the other.
I keep wondering what I did wrong even though I know this isn't about me...
I know this feeling well, and it's hard to accept when there's nothing concrete on which to base the current state of matters. No "ahah! that's what was wrong!" Maybe try writing it out (H has issues!) and put it somewhere for easy reference if you have to.
I hope your appointment goes well.
I have an appointment tomorrow morning with a lawyer...
This isn't what I should be writing, this isn't what I should be doing but it is what it is (I hate that saying BTW)...
I haven't functioned well today at work, I keep wondering what I did wrong even though I know this isn't about me...
He couldn't even give me a reason other then "I don't want to be married to anyone at all" - 20 years and that is all I get
...
I guess we will see where this leads, I need him to support his children and I also learned I get half his retirement (retired military) so hopefully I will be able to find a place for the boys and I soon...
The first appointment with the lawyer is kind of scary to anticipate. But for me, it was actually comforting after the fact. Because I was able to find out where I stood financially. Knowing that no matter what I will be able to keep my house and pay my bills helps to lessen the anxiety over everything.
Re. "I don't want to be married to anyone at all", imagine that a little differently. My husband said it, "I shouldn't/can't be married to anyone at all".
I fought that for the longest time. But you know what, where their heads are right now, it is TRUE!!! They are not behaving like people who can/should be married. So now I remind myself that the person my H is being now is NOT someone capable of being a husband. Maybe someday he will be again, but he isn't right now. So I have to accept that.
Anyway just wanted to say I know how this part feels. The day I went to sign the petition of service I got in the car and cried like a baby. 5 weeks later the man who couldn't be married still hasn't signed it...
Take care Serenity. Leep faith that God has great plans for you, because He does...
I saw some pictures of the 2 of them in the beginning then he changed the wallpaper on his phone to a picture of them wrapped in each other's arms...
An image I will never have erased from my mind...
Wow. I wish I could reach through the screen and give you the biggest hug right now.
Like I said, my mental images were upsetting enough. If she were ever to confess to a PA to me, I would forgive her but I could never ask for any details.
(I would let her tell me, though, if she needed to get it out of her system.)
I keep wondering what I did wrong even though I know this isn't about me...
Stop that!! Right Now!!
(((())))
Trent~
I would accept it right at this moment as well...
When he first confessed for some sick reason, I needed to hear all the details and when I say all, I mean ALL...
Now a few months later I kick myself for that but it was done in a heated moment and it can't be taken back...
So those images that he gave me and I formed in my mind haunt me...
Some days are better then others though
(((Hugs)))
Gardener ~
I know...I know...No yelling lol(((Hugs)))
Spy ~
I am glad it isn't just me (which I know as well) but you are correct, I am looking for the "aha" moment if nothing else to just ease my mind...If I sat and wrote his issues down, it may be helpful...I do journal as well as blog so thank for you for the idea
Bobbi ~
I am sorry yours said basically the same thing to you...What a sting that was to hear...He acted like a child who wasn't getting his own way so he basically was having a temper tantrum and came out swinging when I said things he didn't like...I will memorize and then repeat what you said to me...I wrote it in a book I carry so I can look at it over and over again...I can see my reaction being yours tomorrow when I leave the office...All this because I have to much pride to "ask" him for money for his kids? I know it is the right thing to do and the state is taking to long...This seems on par for the course...I go days where all is "good" and then I will be damned if something doesn't happen to knock me flat on my a**.
Some days are better then others though
(((Hugs)))
OK, I just realized that response that I posted in this thread has gone AWOL.
A conversation with a friend of mine had an interesting perspective on God's plan vs. free will.
God has a plan for each and every one of us, and he wants up to be in happy, loving relationships with others. But we also have free will, which allows us to do things that may not line up with God's plan for us. Her take on it was that you can choose to work against against God's plan, but it never works out the way you hope it will, and never to God's detriment.
I thought of it like trying to argue with a hurricane. You are free to choose your own path through the storm, but the storm is not to blame for whatever happens to you.
Trent ~
I like that perspective however where do I find His plan for me? I am trying to go as I feel He wants me to go yet each door is being shut before I can go through it...
The million dollar question - Do I stand and fight (which is what I believe) or do I throw the towel in and give H what he wants which goes against my beliefs...
Am I just not facing reality (which is what I was told today by a friend of mine)? She says he moved on so now I need to as well...
He blantly chose the OW not me so I needed to basically suck it up/let go/give him the divorce/pick up the pieces...I didn't have an answer to that
I like that perspective however where do I find His plan for me? I am trying to go as I feel He wants me to go yet each door is being shut before I can go through it...
Well, the obvious path would be the one that is stated in the Bible:
'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'[b]? 6So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.
However, divorce is permissible in the case of unfaithfulness (Matthew 19:8), so you could leave him without feeling like you are committing a sin.
The million dollar question - Do I stand and fight (which is what I believe) or do I throw the towel in and give H what he wants which goes against my beliefs...
I plan on fighting my D every step of the way. So if we do split up, I can look at myself and say that I did my best to preserve this relationship.
He blantly chose the OW not me so I needed to basically suck it up/let go/give him the divorce/pick up the pieces...I didn't have an answer to that
All I can say is that we will be in your corner, whatever you choose to do.
Interesting question, Serenity and I understand how you feel. I am accountable to God at the end of the day.Not to my friends or even my H. I follow His guidance as it comes to me. Sad to say, sometimes I DON'T feel like doing what I am being led to do but I always come around in the end. You sometimes have to go through fire and face tribulations but troubles don't last always. Doors that are shut now can be opened. It is all dependent on His time and His way.
I was ill in the hospital once and every day I kept praying "God, when will the doctor discharge me? When will this problem go away?" Day after day for two weeks it was the same. Little real improvement in my condition. One morning I awoke and bam! Problem gone. The doctor wasn't sure why it happened that way. I went through test after test. All negative and some very, very painful. (H was always there,God bless him, and that is part of the reason I am still hanging in here).
My rambling is to say that we go through tests and trials. We never see the end or know how close we are to it. But God is always working. Deliverance will come. It may not be the way we expect or when we want. But it will come. Rest easy. Reality is NOT finality. However it works out, Serenity is blessed.
Hi Serenity, this reminds me of a homily I heard over the All souls/ All Saints weekend ...
As my pastor put it, God gave us all the potential to be "saints". Good men and women make choices in life, these choices form habits, become ingrained as a way of life, and eventually become life itself. Surrender of self in this sense is a very difficult and personal issue obviously, and each person will need to find the right mix as we also juggle with our own individuality and sense of purpose.
We never forget there is a deeper and higher meaning, yet also know that the meaning we have in our self is special and aspire to fulfill the latter in accordance with the former.
Your H and others are a test of your beliefs. Why would you want to test yourself too? I think you'll make mostly the right choices along the way, and if and when you don't, it doesn't mean it's the end of the path?
(((Friends)))
First I will say thanks to Trent, Kara & Deep for coming in last night with their encouragement, kind words and thoughts...
Today was a long day (long post as well)...
I will start with my S and the appt. we had with the DA...
Not as bad as it could be however still not the greatest...
He has 3 charges - 2 of which are 2nd degree felonies...
He could potentially be on probation for 5 years however since this is his first bout of trouble ever we are hoping for leniency...
He (or we) will have to pay restitution (won't know how much till we go to court later on this month), on probation we will also have to pay 1 dollar a day for everyday he is on along with court costs...
Yes it makes me angry however I am proud he "owned his s**t" and offered to work off the damage...
In a week and a half, he has done almost a 180 so I am hoping he learned his lesson and this is the end of his foray into delinquency...
I went to see a lawyer today to find out where I stand...
Before I walked in the office I said a prayer that God would be by my side while I was in there...
Since I don't want a divorce, the best I can do is child support (filing is done already)...
He told me my options if I do decide to file or if my H files...
Not the best but not as bad as I imagined...
I would lose my health/base privileges...
In order to retain them, we have to stay married for 2 more years...
I would still be entitled to 1/2 his retirement...
The boys would be covered until they turned 18...
I cried like day one sitting in that office and when all was said and done the lawyer asked me if I was religious in any way, said yes, he said he would say a prayer then referred me to the Chaplain (how is that for an answered prayer?)...
I headed over to the Church...
Talk about deja vu...
It was the same Church we were married in 20 years ago...
I was distraught sitting there...
Basically at the end of my very threadbare rope...
I had so many conflicting emotions running through my mind and then the Chaplain came and we talked for about 1 1/2 hours...
She took some notes then wrote down different things for me to move forward while not abandoning my beliefs...
She then showed it to me and it was like a light came on dimly at first...
The list had ways to help the boys & to help me spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically (why didn't I think of making a list???)...
We talked about my beliefs and where I was with that and I told her honestly that I feel stuck...
I feel like I have been backed into a corner and I can't fight my way out of it no matter how hard I try because I don't want a divorce...
She said why do I feel stuck, I said because I don't know how to move forward without giving in to him...
So we removed him from the equation altogether...
Basically DBing with more focus on my walk with Him and no focus on what my H is doing...
I will continue to stand for my marriage however I now have tools to allow me to focus on my kids and myself, I have additional tools (besides DB) to calm my mind, I have a new smaller support system in place (IRL not here), I sat down with the little one tonight and told him in 6 year old language that I don't know when his Dad would be coming back...
I told him we all make choices and right now Daddy is making some not so good choices and the best thing we can do is pray for him...
He understands God/Devil so I said when we make "good" choices we are allowing God to be in our hearts and guide us...
When we make "bad" choices, we are letting in the Devil and he is then guiding us...
He says to me, "Daddy is letting the Devil in so I will pray God jumps in his heart and helps him make better choices"...
There was still a part of me that was unsure of my choice,(because I always second and third and forth guess any choice I make) and as I sat next to my little one as he was falling asleep, I was just talking to God...
Asking for nothing but basically just talking about the day and the doubt still nagging me...
Why can't I let the doubt go?
Why can't I just "be"?
I laid my head back on the pillow listening to some music, hoping for something from God to help ease the doubt...
The next song on the radio?
"Faith" by George Michael -
I sat up and just laughed, said to myself "You have got to be kidding me"...
Yes my beliefs have been tested, all of ours have however you hold onto your beliefs...
Don't let ANYONE get in there and change that...
Yes you will doubt, you will fear and you will worry but if you take the moment to just "be" you will have your answer.
And for the record, I am in it for the long haul ~ No matter what
Beautiful, Serenity ...! The more help and support you get in focusing on you, the better.
The kids though, I know it's hard but you have to try your best not to let negativity taint them any more than it's already going to do. Even if things go further south, they deserve to have the best relationship with each parent that is possible.
I'll never forget what I posted in my sitch, when my D9 told me "Papa, if you guys get divorced, I'm staying with you." and "Mummy ... mummy is selfish and only thinks about what she wants." Talk about conflict, the selfish part of me going "aha! there you go!", another part mourning for W as she really is a great mom actually, and most of all the shock and sadness for D to even have to hear it from her. W is still having to do repair work on her relationship with D, even today.
Deep ~
Thank you again for being here...
I had to tell my little one something because I have been lying to him since the day his Dad left (told him he was out of town on business)...
I know bad Mommy
His Dad tells him (each and every time he talks to him) he is coming soon yet I am left trying to explain "soon" to a crying 6 year old...
The Chaplain is the one who suggested this along with those lines...
I haven't spoken a harsh word about my H anywhere near my boys nor would I ever but I am also done lying for my H and his bad choices...
My 14 year old knows all since he is older and was there day in and day out of his Dad on the phone with the OW...
He figured it out on his own sad to say...
Before I uttered a word I prayed for the guidance to make it as simple and easy as possible for him to understand...
I don't want him to lay there every night wondering if "soon" is tomorrow and then being upset once again when "soon" doesn't come...
It sucks to even have this conversation with him however I hope I handled it with grace and dignity so he can continue to be a little boy with a great childhood for a while longer.
(((Friends)))
First I will say thanks to Trent, Kara & Deep for coming in last night with their encouragement, kind words and thoughts...
Like I said -- you're one of the good humans.
Happy to help.
Yes my beliefs have been tested, all of ours have however you hold onto your beliefs...
Don't let ANYONE get in there and change that...
Yes you will doubt, you will fear and you will worry but if you take the moment to just "be" you will have your answer.
And for the record, I am in it for the long haul ~ No matter what
Good for you. God looks out for his children.
"The LORD blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys. And he also had seven sons and three daughters."
--Job 42:12-13
So many tough choices. Trent said up higher he will fight the divorce every step of the way. How do you do that exactly?
I was in Chicago two weeks ago visiting a friend. It was my best weekend of GALing by far. We talked to 4 a.m. and I told her I'm closing no doors in my life. If W wakes up and realizes she's making a mistake and is willing to work at the M, so am I.
If someone else comes along and the D is done then I may follow that path.
I felt so strong saying it.
But then I think about God's plan, which was spoken about earlier. Would I be giving up on his plan if I don't wait on W. That's such a big decision to make, to close all doors but one.
So many tough choices. Trent said up higher he will fight the divorce every step of the way. How do you do that exactly?
I'll let you know when I figure it out...
Serenity,
I am sitting here with such a THANKFUL heart that God was with you in such a personal way yesterday. Through your chaplain, your child, and your friends on here, you were NOT ALONE, and I truly believe that that "list" was from from God Himself, to you, simply because you ASKED him for help.
Wow, that song on the radio. That's amazing! I don't know if I ever shared this one with you, but it's gotten me thru some really tough times in my life. It's an awesome song, if you've never heard it -- I'm sure you can find it on YouTube.
Puppy
Higher Ways
Steven Curtis Chapman
Higher Ways (YouTube)
If I could only fly
I'd go up and look down from the sky
So I could see the bigger picture
And Lord if I could sit with You
At Your feet for an hour or two
I'm sure I'd ask too many questions
'Cause there's so much going on down here
That I must confess I just don't understand
BRIDGE
But I have prayed
And at your feet my whole life has been laid
So I wont worry I wont be afraid
'Cause my soul is resting on Your higher ways
Let the road ahead become unclear
I am Yours so what have I to fear
If my soul is resting on Your higher ways
CHORUS
Your higher ways teach me to trust You
Your higher ways are not like mine
Your higher ways are the ways of the Father
Hiding His children in His love
BRIDGE
So let it rain
And if my eyes grow dim with tears of pain
This hope I have will not be washed away
'Cause my soul is resting on Your higher ways
Someday I will fly and
Maybe then You will take me aside
And show me the bigger picture
But until I'm with You
I'll be here with a heart that is true
And a soul that's resting on
Your higher ways
(((Puppy)))
If I could thank you personally for your guidance, I would in a heartbeat.
I see you on the boards and I want to go behind all your posts and tell the people, to just listen...
I know when you are new here it is very hard and I just realized last night as a matter of fact that I fell into the "unique" category Robx posted about...
I thought my sitch was unique, a one of a kind if you will...
No matter what I was told, my sitch was different...
It took me almost 6 months before I realized it was almost the same as the others...
Semantics were different/yet the same...
I can give advice until my fingers fall off however what good is it if I can't even follow it myself?
So I woke up today with a different mental attitude...
I made the decision to look for the good in any circumstance I am faced with throughout my day...
At this moment my H is texting me about some mundane task he could actually do (yet wants me to drop everything to do it for him while I am at work and he is off today) and I am ok with ignoring it with a smile on my face
I thank you for the song ~ I love it already though never heard it before...
The lyrics are beautiful and I will copy it into my book
I have to share - Upon waking this morning my little one came upstairs while I was getting ready for work, says "Good Morning", climbs into my lap, laid his head on my shoulder and informed me God told him Daddy would be coming home...
Who am I to argue with that?
Serenity I am inspired by the faith you show. You are doing the right thing. My belief is Jesus sacrificed his life for everyones' sins. Thus, you do not need to sacrifice your life for the sins of your husband. Jesus did that for you. God wants you to seek peace and happiness for yourself and children. I think you are doing that to the best of your ability.
Serenity I am inspired by the faith you show. You are doing the right thing. My belief is Jesus sacrificed his life for everyones' sins. Thus, you do not need to sacrifice your life for the sins of your husband. Jesus did that for you. God wants you to seek peace and happiness for yourself and children. I think you are doing that to the best of your ability.
That's a great way to look at it, Tristan -- I'd never thought of it before that way.
Thanks for that.
Puppy
Serenity, you are obviously a woman of faith, which is why I shared those lyrics (and those thoughts) with you.
I have learned a LOT lately (altho I still have a long way to go) about prayer, and faith, and trusting God to REALLY help me in a meaningful way that's going to "stick." There have been so many times that I thought He wasn't listening to me, and not answering my prayers, and I would cry out to him -- sometimes literally, tears streaming down my face -- "WHY DON'T YOU CARE?? WHY WON'T YOU ANSWER THIS SIMPLE PRAYER??!"
What I've started to learn is that I can sometimes look back and see it would NOT have REALLY helped me, not in any lasting way at least, to have simply answered that one prayer of mine. More often, I think that God wants to DO A WORK in us, and in our families, and I mean in a real thorough, meaningful way.
IF we will let Him.
I have now prayed for forgiveness, embarrassed and ashamed, many times that I didn't trust Him, and have now THANKED Him for trying to use my bad situations (almost always of my own stupid/selfish making!), to bring about some GOOD in me, and in my family.
Not sure where all that came from just now, but I just felt compelled to share it with you.
In His love,
Puppy
Thus, you do not need to sacrifice your life for the sins of your husband. Jesus did that for you.
Tristan ~ I have never stopped to think about it but you hit the nail on the head with these words...You are totally correct and I need to remember this more then anything - Thank you my friend
Puppy ~
What I've started to learn is that I can sometimes look back and see it would NOT have REALLY helped me, not in any lasting way at least, to have simply answered that one prayer of mine. More often, I think that God wants to DO A WORK in us, and in our families, and I mean in a real thorough, meaningful way.
This is where I am right now...Yes it is a hard lesson to learn because as a woman/man we want things done right now...We don't want to wait for His Will...We want it on our terms, our time and now I am finally seeing that...This will be done with God's Will, in His Time and nothing will speed up that process.
I have now prayed for forgiveness, embarrassed and ashamed, many times that I didn't trust Him, and have now THANKED Him for trying to use my bad situations (almost always of my own stupid/selfish making!), to bring about some GOOD in me, and in my family.
My Pastor bless him has been trying to get this through to me from day one...Pray in Thanksgiving for the good as well as the bad...The good shows He is there, the bad draws you nearer to Him, so He can shine His light on you and you can see Him working through it all.
I am happy you shared (always) and I don't need to tell you where it came from because I think you already know
I am a very firm believer in the fact that God puts people in our lives for different reasons/at different seasons.
I once told Mac the following and I try to remember it everyday:
"God will send the right people to our life at the right time. We must first let the wrong people walk away. The wrong people will use our weaknesses to stay in our lives. If we don't let the wrong people walk away, we'll miss God's best."
The people here I believe are God's best...
Sent here for different reasons...
Think about it...
We are all basically going through almost the exact same thing, found ourselves losing it all, came upon either the book or the website, connected with one another to then draw strength, faith, empathy, compassion, encouragement, love and friendship and we are all strangers...
We share thoughts, fears, worries, doubts, things that some consider TMI, we laugh, we cry, we mourn, we rejoice...
We help one another out all without ever meeting...
If you don't believe in God, that right there should at least put a seed of doubt in your mind.
I am a very firm believer in the fact that God puts people in our lives for different reasons/at different seasons.
I once told Mac the following and I try to remember it everyday:
"God will send the right people to our life at the right time. We must first let the wrong people walk away. The wrong people will use our weaknesses to stay in our lives. If we don't let the wrong people walk away, we'll miss God's best."
The people here I believe are God's best...
Sent here for different reasons...
Think about it...
We are all basically going through almost the exact same thing, found ourselves losing it all, came upon either the book or the website, connected with one another to then draw strength, faith, empathy, compassion, encouragement, love and friendship and we are all strangers...
We share thoughts, fears, worries, doubts, things that some consider TMI, we laugh, we cry, we mourn, we rejoice...
We help one another out all without ever meeting...
If you don't believe in God, that right there should at least put a seed of doubt in your mind.
Oh, Serenity, somebody needs to "sticky" that post. I'm keeping it in my archives. That is the best description I've seen yet for what we all do here.
It has been such a blessing to me, and I continue to be blessed, as I (hopefully) bless others. It's why God came up with the concept of a "body" of Christ. He WANTS us to all need each other, and to HAVE to work together, to get it all done!
AS a foot needs a heart to pump blood to it.
Puppy
Puppy ~
That means more to me then I could ever say...I am honored you would like my thoughts enough to archive it lol
While I fought you tooth and nail in the beginning, I see now (many moons later
) why you were put in my path and I thank God every night you didn't walk when I challenged you and disregarded your advice...
I could kick myself for not listening sooner however it just wasn't the time...
I am thankful I have now quieted my lips and I am more in tune with the advice I get here...
This may not turn out the way I want it to, however because of you and others like you, I will be the best person I can be...
I will hold my head up high knowing that if I died tomorrow and faced Jesus, He would be proud of the effort I gave towards my marriage and I did it with Grace and Dignity (98% of the time).
I will hold my head up high knowing that if I died tomorrow and faced Jesus, He would be proud of the effort I gave towards my marriage and I did it with Grace and Dignity (98% of the time).
Good for you.
I hope those sermons were of some use. I listen to them from time to time.
Trent ~
Yes they were, thank you...
I saved them so I can listen to them whenever I want...
I hope you are having a wonderful night
Trent ~
Yes they were, thank you...
I saved them so I can listen to them whenever I want...
I hope you are having a wonderful night
It's not too bad. Making dinner then heading to bed a little early. I'm glad you enjoyed them.
Trent ~
I hope you had a wonderful dinner and some great sleep...Sleep is still eluding me, no matter how "much" I sleep, it seems to be not enough and I always wake up feeling "off" and unrested.
Today I woke up feeling jittery and weepy (I abhor the weepiness) and emotionally stretched so I am going to try to work through this somehow.
I hope you had a wonderful dinner and some great sleep...Sleep is still eluding me, no matter how "much" I sleep, it seems to be not enough and I always wake up feeling "off" and unrested.
Dinner was good; homemade chicken soup.
It's a new recipe that needs a little tweaking, as it was kinda bland; maybe needed a bay leaf or some basil.
I ended up going to bed late because my wife wanted to spend some time on the couch watching TV with me. Given that I expected her to be logged into WoW all night, how could I refuse?
Today I woke up feeling jittery and weepy (I abhor the weepiness) and emotionally stretched so I am going to try to work through this somehow.
Well, I'm still having interrupted sleep; my eyes pop open around 2-4 a.m. (4 a.m. is the worst, because my alarm goes off at 5 and I'm not likely to fall asleep before then.)
I plan to talk to my IC about that, see if she recommends getting a prescription for something to help.
Serenity ~
I can relate about the sleep.
I feel really tired during the day because this has been so emotionally draining. I sleep alright, but it's the waking up that is the hardest part. I awake, and for an instant everything is fine. Then the reality sets in that I'm going through a D while I listen to H snoring away in the guest room. Then I hear him in the shower, and the movie Psycho comes to mind.
I need to detach like I've never detached before.
Maybe we can root each other on with what we've been doing to detach. It seems to be coming pretty easy for me lately.
(((hugs)))
MJ
(((MJ))) ~ Good as always to see you and you can count on me to root for you my friend - Anytime...
After you see my following vent, you will see why it is probably a good idea H is not in my house at this time and why I am apparently not as detached as I "think" I am.
Vent ~
As I stated above, I didn't wake up in a good mood today...
I know my sleep is off and when my sleep is off, my meds feel off which in turn make for a not so emotionally stable me...
Work dragged on and and the rage I have been feeling since he told me he was going to Church with that homewrecker was just sitting there manifesting...
I tried my usual techniques, music, breathing, walking outside for fresh air etc...
Nothing, I could feel it bubbling to the surface and there was nothing I could do to stop it...
I came home just foul and ready for a fight, I just needed an opponent...
That would come in the form of my 6 year old who has turned into a very clingy, foul mouthed little boy in recent months...
The cursing I am working on, the clinginess I of course understand and normally we just do things together because I am trying to show him stability in any form...
Today just wasn't the day...
It turned into a screaming match between him and I (being the grown-up I do know better) and me in turn spanking him...
If you know me you know that is rare, I don't spank because quite frankly I have a hard time controlling my temper on a good day, I have anger as the main emotion with my bi-polar and once I hit that "rage" there is no turning back...
I have physically harmed people and not even remembered doing it when I am pushed that far so I don't spank...
Well tonight I did (no I didn't hurt him) and my son being 1/2 of me just doesn't know when to stop...
He kept pushing my buttons so I put him to bed early...
By then the rage wall was up and I was so mad I was shaking, mad at myself for getting that angry, mad he wouldn't listen to me no matter what I said, angry at my H for all the s**t he has pulled, mad that I still want him back and I still care, mad that he didn't love me enough not to cheat and then didn't love me enough to stay and work on things...
No matter that I am medicated, the thoughts started flying through my head and I couldn't stop them...
The mind movies, all the conversations of the last 8 months we have had, the lies, the hurtful words hurled, the justifications, the denial, the projections etc....
All of it flying at the speed of light through my head and I found myself in the bathroom and the damage had already been done and I didn't even feel the first 15 cuts...
I haven't self-harmed in 7 months...
I have learned new coping techniques instead of the old ones I used to use so WTF did I allow myself to go that far down?
The anger beast is sleeping once again...
Yes I put a call into my Dr. to see about adjusting my meds once again and yes that makes me mad as well...
Because based on his BS I have to keep adjusting my meds to get through something I never asked for...
Jerkface.
Puppy ~
Not who I expected and I can feel your disappointment
I am not proud of myself at all that even 7 months later I reverted back to something I thought I was done with.
Why?
I will be setting aside time to pray for you tonight.
(((Serenity)))
Puppy ~
Not who I expected and I can feel your disappointment
I am not proud of myself at all that even 7 months later I reverted back to something I thought I was done with.
Why?
Honey it's not disappointment, it's CONCERN.
Puppy
(((Trent)))
Thank you for that...
Looks like I will be having an extra long prayer session tonight...
I am blown away that I fell backwards...
My Dr. has been so proud that I used different techniques instead of the one I learned so long ago (as a teenager)...
I was proud that I was handling everything as it came with no thoughts of harming and this just kicked me out of the blue.
I thought I was finally past and above this.
You're in my thoughts. Stay strong.
Puppy ~
No cause for concern other then the why it hit me like this...
I am not "there" again I promise you that...
I honestly don't know what happened and how it got to that point so quickly.
Serenity, you have been SO incredible these past few weeks, and have come SO FAR, I have been simply amazed.
I know this "new Serenity" -- this is but a single setback.
Hugs & Puppy Licks,
Puppy
Puppy ~
Your words mean the world to me, thank you and you are right it was a setback - A huge one in my eyes but it just shows me I am still growing/still learning and not as invincible and I thought I was
(((Hugs)))
Your self-insight in that post (re-read it, and compare it to your early ones) is like night and day.
And that is a good thing correct?...
I still remember my first thread, I was so full of sass and knew it all and hell didn't even know why I was here listening to anyone
Holy crap I think I am growing up into a full fledged adult (albeit one who needs to stay away from sharp objects) and not a clingy, needy, cry-baby...
I know I need to get some better sleep and I would think it would have happened by now...My Dr. did offer me meds for that but I am reluctant to add to my cocktail of meds I already take...Maybe a few weeks wouldn't hurt...A few days would be wonderful lol...Sharing a bed with a 6 year old doesn't help either
And that is a good thing correct?...
, silly!!!
LOL I had to be sure
Looks like I am owing you my thanks for once again being the one right here when I need a shoulder as well as maybe a kick in the a**
You rock my friend & that is a fact
I am glad you were on tonight Puppy even though when I sent out my vent post I was hoping you would maybe overlook it and not see how low I got this evening.
Serenity ~
Oh girl... I hope your doing better now.
You have gained so much strength, try to refocus.
I have been here on and off most of the day, and just closed laptop when H came in. Imagine that, home early on a friday night. Because of that I didn't see your post till just now.
It's hard living with H while he is with ow and D in progress. I still direct my anger at my dogs and not at him where I should. My dogs follow close behind me wherever I go, and sometimes I get really irritated at them. I stomp my foot and yell at them when I'm really wanting to do that to H. What's the worst that could happen, D me? lol
Sure, he's home early on a friday night, but he went to bed. His cell rang while I was writing the above paragraph. My heart stopped for a moment. It's awful! It might not have been her, but then it might have been. He's physically here, but not mentally here. So, I don't know what's worse H home, or H living elsewhere.
Remember, if we can make it through this, we can make it through anything.
There is a light at the end of OUR tunnel. And it could be our H holding that light, or the new Mr. Wonderful that has been chosen for us.
As I always tell others, GOD must have something really awesome in store for us having had to go through this storm.
(((((hugs)))))
MJ
MJ ~
I am happy you were still on tonight to see where my "detachment" got me...
I am better, I had Puppy once again guiding me and I feel 100% calmer then when I posted my vent...
I will say since I have had both H at home as well as gone, I prefer gone right now...
I don't know where I would be if I had to continue to see him chatting with that fat troll day in and day out right in my face like he was doing before...
I may have hurt him eventually or at least smacked that smug look I always saw when he was talking to her off his face...
I am sorry yours is still doing that though, it is a very tough thing to live through...
Makes you want to take his phone and flush it (don't go getting any ideas LOL)!
Remember, if we can make it through this, we can make it through anything.
There is a light at the end of OUR tunnel. And it could be our H holding that light, or the new Mr. Wonderful that has been chosen for us.
As I always tell others, GOD must have something really awesome in store for us having had to go through this storm.
This is something I need to keep telling myself...You are correct with this assessment my friend...Keep your head held high and don't lose faith
God will get us through this storm ~ That I am sure of!
(((hugs)))
(((Friends)))
There was still a part of me that was unsure of my choice,(because I always second and third and forth guess any choice I make) and as I sat next to my little one as he was falling asleep, I was just talking to God...
Asking for nothing but basically just talking about the day and the doubt still nagging me...
Why can't I let the doubt go?
Why can't I just "be"?
I laid my head back on the pillow listening to some music, hoping for something from God to help ease the doubt...
The next song on the radio?
"Faith" by George Michael -
I sat up and just laughed, said to myself "You have got to be kidding me"...
Yes my beliefs have been tested, all of ours have however you hold onto your beliefs...
Don't let ANYONE get in there and change that...
Yes you will doubt, you will fear and you will worry but if you take the moment to just "be" you will have your answer.
And for the record, I am in it for the long haul ~ No matter what
Serenity, We don't know the road map, but God does. He just doesn't fill us in. (I think partly that might be because it is such a long and hard road that he doesn't want us to be discouraged.) The more I get out of the way and let God conduct this orchestra, the sweeter the music gets.
And bless your little boy's heart. What a sweet prayer for his Daddy.
Puppy ~
Not who I expected and I can feel your disappointment
I am not proud of myself at all that even 7 months later I reverted back to something I thought I was done with.
Why?
Serenity, Don't fight this feeling, use it. You aren't proud. Simmer in it. Write it down, focus on it, but set a timer. Then get up and throw that paper away or burn it.
Now focus on the feeling when you are proud of yourself. Write it out. Feel it. Gain strength from yourself.
Now go do something to celebrate - because this will be that last time you do this.
Feel it. Believe it. Own it.
Wifey ~
I thank you for your kind words and counsel as always...Your strength amazes me and I can only hope to become 1/2 as strong as you in the days to come.
Journaling:
I took the day off today and spent most of it either with my little one or in self-reflection mode...
I was going to go out tonight and put back a few however that hasn't worked in the past and the last thing I need right now is to add alcoholism to my list of crap so I decided against that...
I had to dig deep today to see where my self-reflection would take me...
I had to force myself to look at my arm and the damage I caused, yes I blamed my anger on H however ultimately it is my fault and a bad choice on my part...
I stood in the shower this afternoon and let thoughts drift to my H and I and how low we have become in our relationship...
Guess what happened next? No tears, no anxiety, no sick cold feeling in the pit of my stomach...
All I found was peace...
A perfect peace settled over my entire body, I couldn't put into words how peaceful it was however it was calming and warm and full of light and nothing but love and I knew at that moment everything would be just fine if I could just step out of God's way and let Him take care of it...
When I go to the alter tomorrow, I plan on finally leaving it all there and not picking up any of it again...
I say the plan because I have such a hard time leaving it all alone, I am impatient I admit and when I don't see results, I like to just take over and do it myself...
Like my new sig says, it has nothing to do with me, I think after all these months, I finally get that
I'm so glad you found that peace Serenity. I hope it stays with you for a good long time.
Hugs, Bunny
Bunny ~
That makes 2 of us...
I wish I could describe it but the best I can come up with is just peace...
No torment, no racing thoughts, no bitterness, no hate...
Nothing but peace
Just posted back to you on your thread about your sitch
Puppy ~
All I have to say to you is thank you...
Thank you for being here last night and thank you for your guidance...
Who would have thought, all those months ago that I would actually be listening to you and using the advice you give me.
Don't stop doing it...
God put you here and I don't even have to think about what your purpose is...
It is as plain as day from the way you respond to others on here...
You are one of those rare ones that people talk about yet hardly ever come in contact with throughout their lives...
I for one am grateful for you being on my path. (((Hugs)))
Hi, Serenity. Tough couple of days for you while I was on retreat, I see (didn't my prayers for you
work?)
I saw you mention this
Which reminded me of one of my favorite Psalms - 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God." I use it often but always spend hours on it on retreat each year. Because it is not just a Psalm, it is like many Psalms in one. And you can practice it like a process, a journey in individual steps.
Be still and know that I am GodBe Just
be. This is hard. Don't
do. Don't try to
make this moment, this time happen.
Let it happen.
Be. We don't usually allow ourselves to be. We spend all our time in
do mode.So, after you reach do
Be what?Be still Even harder. Takes even longer. Stop the mind chatter. Breathe. Thoughts come in, acknowledge them, don't judge them. nudge them. Away. When I get to that point the next step, the obvious question arises by itself:
Be still and...? The simple answer comes:
Be still and know Eventually, what you, what your heart
needs to know right now in your life will come to you. And after that, "Be still and know what?
Be still and know that I am God. Yes.
For me, it is almost zen-like. It is a journey with the answer you need every step of the way. And it takes a long time, more like meditation than prayer. But in the end comes the grace of knowing what you needed to know at that moment.
Peace to you.
Serenity,
I am so glad you found peace. God will guide you through this. Keep listening to him.
-T
(((Gardener)))
I am so happy to see you back and I hope your retreat was wonderful...Yes a couple of bad days passed however the key word there is passed
I am doing better today, my arm is healing and I am still at peace for the most part.
I sat in Church yesterday and listened as one of my Ministers preached and he was talking about making your relationship, your house, your job etc...Your God...And I realized I have been doing this concerning my marriage.
He said we need to have the "Faith of an Outsider", that God has given every man a measure of faith and it lies between a promise and assurance.
You have to operate in Faith and you have to know your purpose. You need to take authority in your house and in your relationship. You need to speak over yourself when praying and take care of yourself and when the hard times come your strategy should have 2 points - Be cool - God is in control & Don't panic - God is in control. Stand on the Word of God and try Him first before anything else.
Pretty much what you are saying to me - Be still and know that I am God...
I wrote down what you said here so I can put it into practice at night - Nights are the absolute worse for me because I am off work and my mind is allowed to wander to horrible thoughts that have no business in my head
I still feel like I am walking a tightrope between sanity and insanity and at any moment I will slip off the rope onto the wrong side...
However I am still getting up every morning, saying my Prayers of Thanks and then put one foot in front of the other...
Not sure how much longer the "existence of living" feeling will last but I won't let this break me down any longer.
Not sure how much longer the "existence of living" feeling will last but I won't let this break me down any longer.
(((Serenity)) Keep on keepin' on. That's all we can do.
"Oh, yeah, life goes on
Long after the thrill of living is gone"
John Mellencamp
Except he forgot to add that the thrill of living returns. Eventually. Always does.
Keep going.
(((Gardener)))
You are correct...
I feel like I am standing at a crossroads and not sure which path to take, which path is the one God wants me to be on so until I know that, I can't make any decisions without second guessing myself.
I keep thinking about the sermon yesterday and the minister when he said something along the lines of "your creek being dried up", (be it that you lost your job, house, relationship etc...) and it was dried up due to the fact that you made it your God.
Would be so easy if I could just have a face to face with Him and He could tell me what to do next however I don't want to die just yet to have that conversation
Haven't posted for a while. Just reading up on your latest. Don't have anything to give you seeing that I'm still rather new here and soaking up all I can to improve my sitch. All I can do is pray for you. My case is still the same. I'm detaching. It's hard.
Sam ~
It is always nice to see you.
I have been following your thread as well and noticed you haven't been posting...
Post my friend - It helps so much...
Trust me on that...
We are all here for one another no matter what time of the day or night.
Since you have caught up on my last few days, you can see I started to go downhill and while yes I admit I made a huge mistake, the first thing I did when I realized what I was doing was come here and put it out there...
It was after 10pm my time (late for me) and I thought I was losing it when I found myself in the bathroom...
Puppy was here, O'dog was here, MJ was here...
Now granted I can't just pick up the phone and call them or go see them in person however this board has been a life saver to me...
No matter what I say (and yes there are days I get smacked around with some 2x4's), no matter what the time, someone will be here for me, just as I try to be for anyone else.
These same people will be here for you, just reach out and let their guidance, love, wisdom, encouragement & faith envelope you...I promise that you will feel much better no matter the circumstance. (((Sam)))
I feel like I am standing at a crossroads and not sure which path to take, which path is the one God wants me to be on so until I know that, I can't make any decisions without second guessing myself.
Hi Serenity,
I would not wait for God to make me certain of which path to take. He has taught me to never be 100% certain of anything. All I know is that I make decissions to the best of my ability when they need to be made. It may end up being a bad decission, but I have learned to accept that I will make bad ones from time to time. As long as I do my faithful best, I know God won't punish me for making bad decissions (I only have the intelligence and insight that he gave me to work with). So neither will I punish or second guess myself for those decissions. It doesn't mean I won't try to learn from them, but I won't punish myself for them either.
I wish you the best.
(((Tristan)))
I never thought to look at it this way...
I need to step back and stop punishing myself for my thoughts/actions.
I can imagine what I look like to Him as He sits up there watching.
As Gardener told me in an earlier post...
I need to "Be Still and Know That I Am God"...
I still have a lot of learning to do.
(I feel like I am standing at a crossroads and not sure which path to take, , I can't make any decisions without second guessing myself.
Serenity, "Not to decide is to decide." In other words you are choosing indecision. Can it be possible you are deciding to paralyze yourself, to stay where you are with a good dose of "Woe is me"?
...which path is the one God wants me to be on so until I know that
Sometimes when I get like that, I good naturedly say to myself, "y'know Gardener, God's kinda busy with other stuff and folks sometimes. Maybe he's sittin' back watching me saying, "I gave you intelligence, perspective,
Free Will. Whatcha always waiting for
Me for?"
Decide. Screw second-guessing. We all do that and never quite realize what a waste of time that is!
((()))
Would be so easy if I could just have a face to face with Him and He could tell me what to do next
Repeat: "Whatcha always waiting for
Me for?"
Keep going.
Or, rather, Keep
GOING.
OUCH Gardener...
Though you are correct...
I read this from you last night and couldn't get it out of my head - Better your words then my thoughts haha...
Anyway, I thought long and hard about what you said and I realized, I have already made the decision...
My decision was made 20 years ago in God's house in front of family and friends...
My vows stated "For better or for worse" and that is and always has been my decision.
We have had "for better" and right now we have a "for worse" however I never once thought to bail when the going gets rough.
I don't have to like it and yes there are days when throwing in the towel would be easier but I am not a quitter - Never have been/Never will be.
I love my husband with all my heart and I will not give up on our marriage but more importantly I will not give up on getting him back to our Lord.
If I lost my marriage yet he came back to God, then I would be ok with that, however I still have the same feeling in my gut that I got 8 months ago when he first started with her that everything will be ok, we will come out of this with a better, stronger & more loving marriage...
That feeling has never left me, no matter the questions I have, no matter the doubts that swirl, no matter the fear I feel.
I have allowed this to consume my every thought and action, I have had days go by and I don't remember anything...
Like I am in a "fog" of my own but my "fog" is lifting...
I noticed that after I cut the other night...
The worrying isn't going to bring him back, the tears I cry at night aren't going to bring him back, the fear that overtakes me isn't going to bring him back, nothing I do will bring him back until he is good and ready...
So I woke up today with no worry, no fear, no tears...
I woke up with the realization that while I imagined I was standing at a crossroads, I was already on the road God wanted me on...
I am at this place in my life because He wants me here...
He has something for me to do and while I can can bitch and moan it didn't have to work out this way in order for Him to get my attention, apparently it really did.
As I was journaling a question last night, I "heard" the answer before I finished writing the question.
That pretty much did it for me.
Serenity,
Good for you.
My decision was made 20 years ago in God's house in front of family and friends...
My vows stated "For better or for worse" and that is and always has been my decision.
We have had "for better" and right now we have a "for worse" however I never once thought to bail when the going gets rough.
Me, too. And
this is why I think that one year to the day (see my post last night) I'm just
not getting over it.
I would
never bail. Mrs. G. would
never bail. And she did just that. That's the hurt that isn't leaving, isn't healing.
That's the part that has me doing things like a did a couple of weeks ago,
11 months after the bomb! I was walking through the living room and I didn't even think I was
thinking about her and I find myself suddenly saying
out loud , "I can't believe she f&%king
did this!"
I dunno. Perhaps I'm not as strong a man as I thought.
And her bailing is probably why I get the dead eyes, the disdainful look, the re-writing marital history, the editing memories, the false, horrible accusations. She
has to think this is all true because the alternative is to fully face the fact that all that she has done is diametrically opposed to all her values, beliefs, the very core of who she is.
We have
no contact anymore (except occasionally accidental contact). We have no communication. Our divorce through mediation is scheduled to be finalized December 28th and I'm just going with the flow. Nothing has worked and I have no fight, no DBing left in me. It's been what it's been. It is what it is. It will be what it will be. And so much - so much - is about to be fractured, fragmented, and destroyed.
And I have to admit that I'm just...resigned to it now.
"You are the other part of me
I am the other part of you.
We'll work through
With never a thought of walking out."
Ruth Harms Calkin
Gardener...
You know I love you (and everyone here) to pieces however I will say I don't like this...
Nothing has worked and I have no fight, no DBing left in me. It's been what it's been. It is what it is. It will be what it will be. And so much - so much - is about to be fractured, fragmented, and destroyed.
And I have to admit that I'm just...resigned to it now.
I don't have to tell you that this is just what the Enemy wants however I will...
By giving up, being resigned to the fact, fearing what is going to be, mourning what could have been, you are playing right into his hands.
You are stronger then that...
Your faith is stronger then that...
Your beliefs are stronger then that...
I see that from you day in and day out with the way you inter-act with people here...
Don't give in to the enemy, lean on God and He will show you the way.
“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”
Don't MAKE me come over there and b*tch-slap you, Gardener.
Take today, and have a case of the woe-is-me's, if you must. But Serenity is ABSOLUTELY RIGHT what she says here.
Puppy
Don't MAKE me come over there and b*tch-slap you, Gardener.
Ah, c'mon over and bitch-slap, puppy. Everyone else has, though they did it lovingly and used those squiggly swimming pool noodles instead of 2x4s. And they all woke me up and lifted me up, bless them (and you.)
Take today, and have a case of the woe-is-me's, if you must. But Serenity is ABSOLUTELY RIGHT what she says here.
Hell, I've taken the last 3 or 4 days, Puppy. I'm done.
"
This is the day that the Lord has made; I will be glad and rejoice in it."
Gardener...
You know I love you (and everyone here) to pieces however I will say I don't like this...
Nothing has worked and I have no fight, no DBing left in me. It's been what it's been. It is what it is. It will be what it will be. And so much - so much - is about to be fractured, fragmented, and destroyed.
And I have to admit that I'm just...resigned to it now.
I don't have to tell you that this is just what the Enemy wants however I will...
By giving up, being resigned to the fact, fearing what is going to be, mourning what could have been, you are playing right into his hands.
I love you, too.
And I agree. BUT HOW? How do I DB (Bust my Divorce) with maybe 7 weeks until December 28th, with NO Contact and with an alien with whom
no DB tactic has worked one iota so far?
But I guess I do know. Rule #1: Do it for ME.
Thanks.
“Have faith in God. Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”
—Mark 11:22-26
You are doubting and not believing my friend.
As you said to me yesterday - Be Still - You know the rest...
Go back one day - Reread what you wrote to me then just Be.
OUCH Gardener...
Though you are correct...
I read this from you last night and couldn't get it out of my head - Better your words then my thoughts haha...
Anyway, I thought long and hard about what you said and I realized, I have already made the decision...
My decision was made 20 years ago in God's house in front of family and friends...
My vows stated "For better or for worse" and that is and always has been my decision.
We have had "for better" and right now we have a "for worse" however I never once thought to bail when the going gets rough.
I don't have to like it and yes there are days when throwing in the towel would be easier but I am not a quitter - Never have been/Never will be.
I love my husband with all my heart and I will not give up on our marriage but more importantly I will not give up on getting him back to our Lord.
If I lost my marriage yet he came back to God, then I would be ok with that, however I still have the same feeling in my gut that I got 8 months ago when he first started with her that everything will be ok, we will come out of this with a better, stronger & more loving marriage...
That feeling has never left me, no matter the questions I have, no matter the doubts that swirl, no matter the fear I feel.
I have allowed this to consume my every thought and action, I have had days go by and I don't remember anything...
Like I am in a "fog" of my own but my "fog" is lifting...
I noticed that after I cut the other night...
The worrying isn't going to bring him back, the tears I cry at night aren't going to bring him back, the fear that overtakes me isn't going to bring him back, nothing I do will bring him back until he is good and ready...
So I woke up today with no worry, no fear, no tears...
I woke up with the realization that while I imagined I was standing at a crossroads, I was already on the road God wanted me on...
I am at this place in my life because He wants me here...
He has something for me to do and while I can can bitch and moan it didn't have to work out this way in order for Him to get my attention, apparently it really did.
As I was journaling a question last night, I "heard" the answer before I finished writing the question.
That pretty much did it for me.
(((Serenity)))
I have been lurking in your sitch for a few days since we have Gardener in common.
Your comments here really came at a time when I needed to have my beliefs reaffirmed. I said in sickness and health, for richer for poorer, for better for worse. I have been going through the worse for a VERY LONG TIME and lately, I sometimes look at that as my response from God. "This problem ain't goin' anywhere, kid. You have to make the choice if you want it to stop." Would He talk like that? Or is it the Enemy? My problem is that I don't know how to listen.
Anyway, thanks for the show of faith here. It helped me and many others, I'm sure.
I hope that you can hold onto this.
BIM
Hello BIM and welcome to my thread
It is nice to have something in common...
I noticed you posting to Gardener previously however I haven't had a chance to check up on your sitch however I am hoping to remedy that later today once work slows down.
I wanted to thank you for your kind words and to let you know it is nice to know that it came at a time when you needed it...
I am still learning how to listen and I get frustrated when I feel like everything is at a stand-still, then I will get some kind of sign that I am truly right where He wants me to be at that point in time.
"This problem ain't goin' anywhere, kid. You have to make the choice if you want it to stop."
My response to this would be the same exact passage I gave Gardener yesterday -
“Have faith in God. Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”Mark 11:22-26
Gardener may add to Be Still...Then you will hear, then you will feel and then you will know just where He wants you to be
My Friends ~
I hope you are all well today.
I woke up this morning full of peace and calmness.
Since the crap that I did this past weekend I have had a few days to really think about my sitch and where I was going with it...
I have come to the conclusion, the cutting while not the best thing to do may have been just what I needed to fully wake-up...
I have felt like I am basically living in my own fog...
Just existing so to speak...
Emotionally cut off from everyone, living in my own pain.
Not being a good parent, obsessing about what my H and the FT are doing at almost every given minute of each and every day.
I admitted to myself that I allowed him to break me and break me he did.
There were so many nights I cried myself to sleep, I went days without eating, I didn't allow myself to be the best Mom I can be, I was fully immersed in what he had done to me and not realizing there are 2 other people in my life who were in pain as well...
My objective has always been to show my boys that you fight for what you believe in no matter what however it shouldn't be at their expense...
It took me 4 months however I now understand the 180's, the GAL, the boundries etc...
4 very painful months for me and all I did was add to my childrens' pain because I wasn't "there" for them like I should have been.
Once I made that admission, I got the peace, I went completely calm and then knew what I needed to do...
I needed to move forward with or without him.
So I went to the place I know best - Up - I finally forgave H for the pain and destruction he has caused, I finally turned all of it over to Him, I released my demons, I released my marriage, my husband, my wants, my hurts and my anger to Him - All of it.
For the last few days I have felt something changing in me, something shifted that night I cut myself and it was a good thing...
I may have a few lingering wisps of my fog but for the most part, I am back to the me I knew, the me I thought was lost so long ago.
My H is hurting and lost, living a life of sin and there is nothing I can do for him except pray.
I get down and pray every night for my H, for my children, for all of you here who help everyone as well as for your WAS's.
We are going to be just fine my friends, no matter the outcome.
Matthew 5:44
But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you
You've been asking lately what God's plan is. Looks like you are beginning to see it within yourself.
O'dog ~
It took long enough however I am starting to see my light...
I wish I wouldn't have spent so much time doubting, in fear, worrying etc...
But in order to be where I am today, I had to go through all of that and I wouldn't change a single thing.
This is a great albeit painful experience to learn from...
It has shown me things I didn't know existed inside of myself and while I wouldn't wish this on an enemy, I am thankful for each experience I am able to learn and grow from.
Serenity. Haven't read your sitch update tonight. I will.
But I badly need feedback on the mindf*ck (pardon my french) that my STBXW gave me tonight.
Thanks.
My Friends ~
I admitted to myself that I allowed him to break me and break me he did.
I needed to move forward with or without him.
So I went to the place I know best - Up - I finally forgave H for the pain and destruction he has caused, I finally turned all of it over to Him, I released my demons, I released my marriage, my husband, my wants, my hurts and my anger to Him - All of it.
I get down and pray every night for my H, for my children, for all of you here who help everyone as well as for your WAS's.
We are going to be just fine my friends, no matter the outcome.
Matthew 5:44
But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you
(((Serenity)))
You made me cry. A good cry. A cry that I have needed for a couple of weeks now.
Best of all, you made me look UP.
Thanks,
BIM
(((((BIM)))))
Looking UP is the only thing that is going to get you the peace you seek...
I am sorry I made you cry though, however I have found a good cry is cleansing to my soul.
Hope you are doing well this evening.
Stay strong and keep your faith.
Serenity,
I haven't posted much on your thread. But, I have been following your posts, especially recently. And they always lift me up when I am feeling down.
Thank you.
Serenity,
My Friends ~I finally forgave H for the pain and destruction he has caused,
Good for you
"To forgive is to release a prisoner
And discover the prisoner was you"
(((S)))
GIMA ~
No need to thank me...
Thank you for your kind words...
There is alot of sadness and hurt on these boards and when I am down someone always comes by to lift me up so I want to continue that...
I am thankful it helps...
As always, Thank you for your thoughtfulness.
Gardener(((())))Serenity
How's my Serenity, tonight?
Serene, I hope?
(((((BIM)))))
Looking UP is the only thing that is going to get you the peace you seek...
I am sorry I made you cry though, however I have found a good cry is cleansing to my soul.
Hope you are doing well this evening.
Stay strong and keep your faith.
(((Serenity)))
Don't be sorry. I am a big believer that we get what we need when we need it. OR sometimes again and again until we are READY for it.
I rededicated myself to GOD today. The last few days, one thing after another have been coming at me exactly when I needed them. I don't believe in coincidence. It happens for a reason. Today at work, a woman whom I have worked closely with for almost 3 years sent me an e-mail because I said something to her yesterday that helped her with her evening. She e-mailed me to thank me and I walked to her desk and started talking. She ended up in my office a little while later and I shared my sitch with her. SHE was exactly what I needed today. Totally changed my perspective on things!!!
Tomorrow will be our 11th anniversary. I had fully intended on going through the day with no acknowledgement of it at all. I have decided to HONOR our anniversary, even if WE don't celebrate it. I made up my mind to take the boys out to a movie and lunch even if H chose not to go with us. I came home and asked what his plans were for tomorrow and he asked why. I told him that I wanted to take the boys to the movies and lunch since tomorrow is our anniversary. He said that would be fine with him.
I am at peace. I still don't know how I am going to deal with everything, but I know I can take it one moment at a time, one day at a time and me and my boys will come out of this state we are currently in SOON and we will be better than just okay.
Sorry for the hijack!!! If you get some time, take a peek at my thread and check out the 2x4 our friend Gardener lobbed at me.
Again, THANK YOU SERENITY!!!
BIM
bim,
I rededicated myself to GOD today. The last few days, one thing after another have been coming at me exactly when I needed them. I don't believe in coincidence. It happens for a reason. Today at work, a woman whom I have worked closely with for almost 3 years sent me an e-mail because I said something to her yesterday that helped her with her evening. She e-mailed me to thank me and I walked to her desk and started talking. She ended up in my office a little while later and I shared my sitch with her. SHE was exactly what I needed today. Totally changed my perspective on things!!!
Tomorrow will be our 11th anniversary. I had fully intended on going through the day with no acknowledgement of it at all. I have decided to HONOR our anniversary, even if WE don't celebrate it. I made up my mind to take the boys out to a movie and lunch even if H chose not to go with us. I came home and asked what his plans were for tomorrow and he asked why. I told him that I wanted to take the boys to the movies and lunch since tomorrow is our anniversary. He said that would be fine with him.
I am at peace. I still don't know how I am going to deal with everything, but I know I can take it one moment at a time, one day at a time and me and my boys will come out of this state we are currently in SOON and we will be better than just okay.
Well, this is all very good.
Honor the day, if not celebrate it. That's very good. Most on these boards who choose not to celebrate sometimes - sometimes - settle/compromise by "acknowledging" it. Honor. I like that.
Hijacking my friend's post on my other friend's thread. How's
that?
I will be back shortly to answer you Gardener as well as look at your sitch BIM...
I need to get some things off my chest before I fire off an email to my WAS...
Dear H,
Tonight I can honestly say I hate what you have become -
It has been almost 1 month since you have spoken to our oldest and 13 days since you have spoken to our youngest -
Your actions make me sick -
Your lack of morals makes me want to vomit -
Our 6 year old sat next to me tonight and sobbed then asked me what he did to make you go away -
As well as what he could do to make you come home.
No matter how many times I tell him it isn't his fault and you still love him, he is still taking the blame -
You are weak and morally bankrupt -
Fine you don't want to talk to me but for the life of me I can't understand your behavior towards your own sons -
These boys didn't ask to be born -
How in the hell am I supposed to be the Mother as well as the Father?
How am I supposed to undue all the damage you caused so later on in life the "sins of the Father aren't passed down to his sons"? Forget for a minute that you cheated and then abandoned me - THINK OF YOUR KIDS.
Can you actually be so lost that you don't even feel an ounce of guilt on a day to day basis?
How do you sleep at night?
How can you face yourself in the mirror on a day to day basis?
I feel guilt if I raise my voice to them and yet you go about life like all is well.
I hate that fat piece of trash you lay with every night. She is as morally bankrupt as you are.
I hate the fact that you weren't man enough to come to me and tell me something was wrong.
I hate that you were bragging in April about us still being happily married with 2 great kids and then 3 months later you were gone...
You are nothing but a coward and I will tell you this -
I will do everything I have to make sure our boys don't ever treat anyone the way you have treated us.
We are not garbage to be thrown out when you have finished with us.
I have done my absolute very best to show nothing but strength, dignity, compassion, empathy, class and grace -
You on the other hand have shown a lack of morals, a lack of values, hate, anger, rage, disgust etc...
If you were standing in front of me right now I can say with all honesty that I would slap you, not for what you did to me but for what you are doing to our children.
I will not be sending this to you because you probably wouldn't understand anyway -
Just know this, I will pray for you.
It
is good, Gardener. I felt better on my drive home today than I have felt in so long. At peace with myself. Once you make peace with yourself, everything else is just cake.
Well, this is all very good.
Honor the day, if not celebrate it. That's very good. Most on these boards who choose not to celebrate sometimes - sometimes - settle/compromise by "acknowledging" it. Honor. I like that.
Hijacking my friend's post on my other friend's thread. How's that?
The woman I talked to today has been separated from her H for 5 years now. She said she always celebrates her anniversary in some way every single year
without her H. Seemed kooky when she first said it, but then I thought about and realized if I hadn't married him, I wouldn't have those two awesome young men I just sent to bed and need to go upstairs to hug and kiss before they fall asleep. And I meant every word I said on the day we married. That promise was to GOD as much as it was to H and myself. I have lived up to it. And it just came to me, I should HONOR the day. And I will.
And the movie with the boys, well they started taking us out to the movies a few years ago on Mother's Day, then Father's Day, etc. Tonight we picked out Olive Garden for lunch and Where the Wild Things Are for the movie. I am looking forward to it.
Serenity, sorry for re-hijacking your thread in response to our friend's hijack of of my original hijack!!!
BIM
Serenity, great letter. Somehow I just
knew you were headed
hereI will not be sending this to you because you probably wouldn't understand anyway
And
here.
Just know this, I will pray for you.
I'll bet that felt good and cathartic, I will borrow your idea and write one myself, soon.
((()))
(((Gardener))) (((BIM)))
Hijack away
G ~ I am back to my serene self now that I purged my black thoughts with the letter to H - A part of me wants to send it (I won't) and part of me knows he would either ignore it or use it against me somehow - Besides I think if I said I sent it Puppy would somehow find a way to literally come through my computer and smack me upside my head. I felt better getting it out and that is what matters. I am calm and collected, I just hate to hear those words come out of my sons' mouth, hate he is even thinking the thoughts and hate I can't make it all better. However I will put forth my best effort to keep his mind occupied on other happier things, should be easy since he is 6 and has the attention span of a dust bunny (j/j)
B ~ I am so happy about your rededication! That should bring some much needed peace as long as you continue to look up for answers and not around (easier said then done). You will come to learn I am a very firm believer in the fact that each and every person in your life, no matter the length, is there for a purpose...I don't believe in coincidences either, I believe in signs from God showing me the way. The signs are there all around us, we just have to open ourselves up to actually seeing them - Big and small.
I am at peace. I still don't know how I am going to deal with everything, but I know I can take it one moment at a time, one day at a time and me and my boys will come out of this state we are currently in SOON and we will be better than just okay.
This brings me to tears...This is what I personally hoped for and what seemed to take the longest in my sitch...I fought it every step of the way as well as the advice I received, the help that was offered, the ears that were willing to listen etc...For some dumb reason, I thought I had to do this on my own - Whew, glad I don't think that way anymore lol!
Honor your anniversary, I did this last month actually...It was our 20th and I couldn't help but think we should have been in Vegas getting remarried in some cheesy roadside chapel (something we had been planning for awhile) however we weren't. I didn't say anything to him however I had most of the day to myself and just basically did things I enjoyed. He didn't contact me at all that day (that stung) however did tell me the next day Happy Anniversary.
I am getting long winded each time I post haha.
I am off to read your update.
Have a good night to you both
(((Hugs)))
I got this in an email this morning and wanted to share ~
"It is a privilege and honor that God is allowing my spouse and I and our marriage to be used this way.
To be used for the purposes of the Kingdom of God so with my present suffering and the future restoration of our marriage our Lord is given the glory He deserves and lives are touched and changed.
Those of us God has asked to stand for our marriages and pray our prodigal spouses home are an honored and privileged few who walk a very special and blessed road.
It is a hard and difficult road, but it is a life-changing, faith changing road.
We are very fortunate."
What a fantastic & positive way to look at this journey
(((Hugs)))
I am glad you wrote the letter but did NOT send it. Trust me, I have fired off some letters to my H (that I never sent) that would either send me right to the crazy house or prison, lol!
Writing is a fantastic way to purge. Save those letters and a year or two look back at them and you will be AMAZED at how far you have come.
Since the legal portion of our separation is over I have taken some time to delete ALL the e-mails H and I have exchanged since March 2, 2008 (bomb day). I actually laughed like a lunatic at some of the earlier ones because I wondered why I put up with his garbage for so long. He fed me so much BS and actually validated it. Good grief! It was a very freeing experience to read and DELETE all those messages. And it opened my eyes in a new way. I am glad I saved all those messages, they taught me a lot.
Two of my favorite ladies together on one thread.
Get it out as you need to but good on you for not sending it.
I feel like I've got some notes I'm ready to delete. I'm not even sure I want to oopen them.
City ~ Welcome
I love when new (to me) people pop by that I haven't heard from before to offer me advice. That was the 2nd letter I have actually sat down and composed here. I do write a lot, here, in my journal as well as my blog and you are right it is an amazing way to purge.
I was looking back through some emails I had from when my H was in Iraq and now 3 years later I can see the change. I can see when the MLC started almost to the day. I haven't deleted anything yet though. I still have the text he sent me on the day he bailed just in case.
O'dog - One of my favorite men around here...Nice to see you as always and I hope you are having a wonderful Saturday! If you feel you are unsure as to whether or not you want to reopen the notes, then just don't - No good drudging up all the old anger/bitterness/jealousy etc...You have come to far to take that slide back.
I hope all is well with each and everyone of you today
I had to work today and while I was at work my Sister was supposed to be keeping an eye on my little one well she ventured off into the shower and little one took the opportunity to call his Dad.
H talked to my little one, the oldest one as well as my niece before my Sister found out.
Now before you smack me around, I don't allow my little one to call his Dad for the simple fact that I never know which "H" is going to answer the phone. I don't want him saying something awful to our S and then while he may not remember it the next day, my little one would take awhile to forget.
Still told my S he would be home soon. Oldest one didn't talk to him long and my niece said he sounded sad.
Other then that little blip, it has been a nice day. Had a b-day party to attend with my youngest today and he bowled for a bit so he has had a great day. Not sure what the night holds - Getting a bit intoxicated sounds good however won't do any good so that is off the table.
I will see where the wind takes me
(((Hugs)))
Serenity,
That should bring some much needed peace as long as you continue to look up for answers and not around (easier said then done).
Yep. Look up
and look within (often the same thing, actually).
And like I always say, "Wait a minnit:
Everything's easier
said than
done!"
((()))
HI!
Sorry about just busting in on your thread with my own 2 cents (RE: writing but not sending letters). I do try and read all the threads because I learn so much from them but don't always comment as sometimes it seems I open my big mouth far too often
My godmother sent me a card a while back and I *loved* the verse in it. It read as follows:
Peace does not come from knowing how you will find it, or when it will come or what it will be. Peace comes from simply knowing you will find it soon.
(((Gardener))) (((BIM)))
Hijack away
(((Serenity))) Thanks, I appreciate your indulgence.
G ~ I am back to my serene self now that I purged my black thoughts with the letter to H - A part of me wants to send it (I won't) and part of me knows he would either ignore it or use it against me somehow - Besides I think if I said I sent it Puppy would somehow find a way to literally come through my computer and smack me upside my head. I felt better getting it out and that is what matters. I am calm and collected, I just hate to hear those words come out of my sons' mouth, hate he is even thinking the thoughts and hate I can't make it all better. However I will put forth my best effort to keep his mind occupied on other happier things, should be easy since he is 6 and has the attention span of a dust bunny (j/j) ;
Don't you just wish that WAS didn't have cotton in their ears and rocks in their heads when we try saying these kinds of things to them?!?! They either get it or they don't. Glad for you that it was cathartic, though.
B ~ I am so happy about your rededication! That should bring some much needed peace as long as you continue to look up for answers and not around (easier said then done). You will come to learn I am a very firm believer in the fact that each and every person in your life, no matter the length, is there for a purpose...I don't believe in coincidences either, I believe in signs from God showing me the way. The signs are there all around us, we just have to open ourselves up to actually seeing them - Big and small.
I am at peace. I still don't know how I am going to deal with everything, but I know I can take it one moment at a time, one day at a time and me and my boys will come out of this state we are currently in SOON and we will be better than just okay.
This brings me to tears...This is what I personally hoped for and what seemed to take the longest in my sitch...I fought it every step of the way as well as the advice I received, the help that was offered, the ears that were willing to listen etc...For some dumb reason, I thought I had to do this on my own - Whew, glad I don't think that way anymore lol!
Honor your anniversary, I did this last month actually...It was our 20th and I couldn't help but think we should have been in Vegas getting remarried in some cheesy roadside chapel (something we had been planning for awhile) however we weren't. I didn't say anything to him however I had most of the day to myself and just basically did things I enjoyed. He didn't contact me at all that day (that stung) however did tell me the next day Happy Anniversary.
(((Hugs)))
I am at peace now. Went to sleep last night with a smile on my face and woke up with one this morning. Both times, my prayers started with THANK YOU. I had forgotten how to count my blessings when I felt that the loss of my M was more important than most other things. Now I know better.
We went to the movies this afternoon and then to Olive Garden. The movie was horrible but it was time spent with the boys. H fell asleep, yes, very bad movie. When we got home and H was heading out to a meeting, I approached him and gave him a peck on the lips and said, "A kiss for you on our anniversary." Then I walked away. I was pleasant but was not looking for any sort of response or acknowledgement from him. I didn't even look back to see his response because I didn't do it for him. I did it for me, to be true to how I feel and what I believe.
Oh, MIL called right as we got home to tell us Happy Anniversary. I thanked her and sent the phone with S6 downstairs to give to H.
All in all, a good day. Wishing for you the same, Serenity.
BIM
Serenity,
I got this in an email this morning and wanted to share ~
"It is a privilege and honor that God is allowing my spouse and I and our marriage to be used this way.
To be used for the purposes of the Kingdom of God so with my present suffering and the future restoration of our marriage our Lord is given the glory He deserves and lives are touched and changed.
Those of us God has asked to stand for our marriages and pray our prodigal spouses home are an honored and privileged few who walk a very special and blessed road.
It is a hard and difficult road, but it is a life-changing, faith changing road.
We are very fortunate."
What a fantastic & positive way to look at this journey
(((Hugs)))
Seems like we must hang around a similar crowd. Yesterday, the woman that I talked to and confided in, after I finished my saga, was smiling from ear to ear with tears in her eyes and said to me, "I am so excited for you. We don't all get the opportunity to be a part of something this big."
At first, I thought she must be crazy and then it occurred to me that she might just be right. If this is a test of faith and of grace, we will pass that test, Serenity. And if we are to help others, including our H's, find their way back to God, our actions are all that can do that. I have realized that my words cannot do anything to improve my sitch at all. My words are what delivered the sting that led my H to put us on this path we are now on.
It really is all about how you look at things. In the words of Dr. Wayne Dyer, " When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."
Peace and blessings,
BIM
Thank you BIM... what an encouragement to me as well! Serenity, you have been an inspiration to me many times. Blessings to you both...
Rocked
City ~ I welcome it and no apologies are ever necessary!
Peace does not come from knowing how you will find it, or when it will come or what it will be. Peace comes from simply knowing you will find it soon.
So perfect - Thank you!
BIM ~ I know I some would not agree with this action however I am glad you can admit it was for you and not seeking anything in return...Sorry the movie sucked though lol!
I was pleasant but was not looking for any sort of response or acknowledgement from him. I didn't even look back to see his response because I didn't do it for him. I did it for me, to be true to how I feel and what I believe.
This isn't true - It may have been part of the problem however you speaking your mind (you know free will and all) isn't what lead to the demise of you marriage - Communication breakdown - It takes 2 for the marriage to thrive and 2 for the marriage to crumble.
My words are what delivered the sting that led my H to put us on this path we are now on.
Remember this - James 3:8 but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.
I am so guilty of speaking before I think however I am learning (yes a little slower then others lol) to bite my tongue or walk away instead of getting into a confrontation.
Yesterday, the woman that I talked to and confided in, after I finished my saga, was smiling from ear to ear with tears in her eyes and said to me, "I am so excited for you. We don't all get the opportunity to be a part of something this big.".
And that my friend is what I call a sign.
Rocked ~ Another new (to me) person - I welcome you
you have been an inspiration to me many times.
Thank you so much for your kind words - Just seeing that you took the time to make that comment means a great deal to me. I hope to see more of you around - Then again that wouldn't be the greatest choice of words however you know what I mean.
(((Hugs)))
Serenity,
This isn't true - It may have been part of the problem however you speaking your mind (you know free will and all) isn't what lead to the demise of you marriage - Communication breakdown - It takes 2 for the marriage to thrive and 2 for the marriage to crumble.
My words are what delivered the sting that led my H to put us on this path we are now on.
I was not referring to speaking my mind; I was referring to lying to him about my having sex with someone else when I was 19 yo, after I met him, but before I had sex with him AND before I loved him.
Yesterday, the woman that I talked to and confided in, after I finished my saga, was smiling from ear to ear with tears in her eyes and said to me, "I am so excited for you. We don't all get the opportunity to be a part of something this big.".
And that my friend is what I call a sign.
Sure is! And I am done with ignoring the signs. I am guilty of trying to rationalize things away. God has been speaking to me and I haven't been listening. No more.
And how are you today? ((Serenity))
bim
I was referring to lying to him about my having sex with someone else when I was 19 yo, after I met him, but before I had sex with him AND before I loved him
This still blows my mind - Almost like your life began the moment he walked into it
I haven't finished reading through your whole post yet though so I am reserving judgement at the moment
I am good tonight, doing some laundry, trying to find a house, having some coffee, nursing a bruise that my blonde butt received falling as I was walking up steps today and not paying attention, hanging with you all - Life couldn't be better
Serenity,
Regarding your recent post (I forget to whom):
Romans 5:3-5
More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
I've always believed that
pain becomes
suffering only when we don't
accept it.
Also, by way of much needed diversions: I recently read four excell
[/b]ent novels:
1) John The Baptizer by Brooks Hansen [b][b]Great[/b]!
2)
Luke's Storyby Jeffrey Jenkins How Luke went from slave to physician (and boyhood/lifelong friend of Saul/Paul) to Gospel author.
Also, Ann Rice (she of the plethora of gothic vampire novels) was born again and has written two novelized versions of Jesus' life:
Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt,[u] and [u]Christ the Lord: Road to Cana. It's a trilogy and she is writing the third now. I read the first two and they were wonderful. She tied it all in so well, the young Jesus, the culture, terrain, country, customs, etc.
I cannot recommend any of the four too highly.
Got 'em all at the Library, too.
(())
_________________________
That post was to me Gardener...
Good point.
I am making note of your book suggestions as I am looking for some good books to occupy my mind during this upside down time in my life!
Serenity... thanks for visiting my thread and for your encouragement!
Serenity,
Pls go see SpyBunny even if you don't know entire sitch. Needshelp.
Hey, where's my Serenity (and her serenity) tonight?
I'm exhausted, going to bed early and need my nightly Serenity visit!
(((Gardener)))
I am here after a long though good day - I am sorry I didn't get the message to go see Spy but I will shortly. I hope your raking was complete and you had a great day...
I went to Church today and was in complete peace, hung out with my little one for a bit, watched my Cowboys lose
and then my sister, a friend and I went to see 2012. All in all a good day.
How are you tonight?
I read your letter to kids - Nice job my friend.
Thought of you as I drove past a street called "Serenity Circle" today.
O'dog ~
I love your one sentence posts and how in just a few words you always come across so sweet
I need to learn how to be a woman of fewer words - My posts and responses are getting longer by the day lol.
(((Hugs)))
Good to see you are doing well Serenity.
Trent ~
Thank you and right back at you - Was just getting caught up on your most recent posts - You are doing wonderfully - Keep it up!
(((Hugs)))
Serenity,
(((Gardener)))
I am here after a long though good day - I am sorry I didn't get the message to go see Spy but I will shortly. I hope your raking was complete and you had a great day...
I went to Church today and was in complete peace, hung out with my little one for a bit, watched my Cowboys lose
and then my sister, a friend and I went to see 2012. All in all a good day.
How are you tonight?
I read your letter to kids - Nice job my friend.
I am fine, thanks. Up early today. Good sign: I've been seriously oversleeping (late) recently. Glad you had a good day. I did, too. Thanks for your thoughts on my Q to Greek. Thanks re: the stepkids letter, too. Usually with something like that I write, rewrit, rewrite ad nauseam. This one came out good first draft, so I hit "send' real quick before I changed my mind.
((()))
O'D,
Thought of you as I drove past a street called "Serenity Circle" today.
Ha!
Personally, I think there is a Serenity Circle (aura, force field) around Serenity that protects her. Probably her Faith.
Good Morning Gardener ~
Hope this finds you well today...
All is good here...
I noticed as I was driving in to work this morning that the more time goes on, the better I become.
The stronger I become, my wants becomes a little more clearer by the day.
The haze is slowly being removed from my line of vision.
I realized that I no longer allow this to consume my every waking moment.
I can go most of the day and not even think about what H is doing and when I do touch that, the pain is becoming a little less each day.
I know in my heart H isn't happy however I can't control that, I can't fix it nor do I want to.
This is his mess and while I still love him, I don't care anymore what he is doing.
I have my God, my family, my friends, my Church, my job, some new hobbies, a life full of endless possibilities and I will no longer allow him to take that from me.
Today I am taking back my control, my self-respect, my life.
I still believe that H and I will come out of this with a better, stronger marriage however in the meantime, I will continue to push forward towards whatever God has on the horizon for me.
God has blessings with my name on them and it is high time I go get them.
Hi (((Serenity))),
thanks for posting that. You have given me some encouraging thoughts for my day.
I have needed to take time off work to cope and I need to set small goals for myself to get through the day. I am going to take some of your thoughts to help me focus on today.
thanks again!
Rocked
I still believe that H and I will come out of this with a better, stronger marriage however in the meantime, I will continue to push forward towards whatever God has on the horizon for me.
God has blessings with my name on them and it is high time I go get them.
I love hearing this.
You do what you know you have to do, and God will take care of the rest.
I'm looking at a copy of
this even as I type this.
Thanks for the reminder of the Serenity Prayer on Serenity's thread Trent. I need that today.
Hi Serenity.
When I read your posts, I think of someone who simply walks in the footsteps of God. I am glad that each day is a little better. You are always in my prayers.
Rocked ~ Just finished posting on your thread. (((Hugs)))
Trent ~ One of my favorite prayers - Thank you for the reminder. Finished catching up on your thread and you are doing wonderful my friend. (((Hugs)))
Tristan ~ From what I have been reading, you have been doing fantastic - Thank you for your kind words and you are always in my prayers as well. (((Hugs)))
Trent ~ One of my favorite prayers - Thank you for the reminder. Finished catching up on your thread and you are doing wonderful my friend. (((Hugs)))
I only wish that more of us could be in the same place that I am now.
And I pray for that every morning along with the aforementioned serenity, courage, and wisdom.
Maybe someday I should become a Christian...
I only wish that more of us could be in the same place that I am now.
I used to wish this for myself, I am now content with where I am on this day, further then yesterday but not as far as I will be tomorrow.
And I pray for that every morning along with the aforementioned serenity, courage, and wisdom.
You and me both along with patience, peace, confidence, clarity, empathy, compassion etc...
Maybe someday I should become a Christian...
Maybe you are halfway there my friend.
Just wanted to mention, that it is very touching to read your thread and see how many people on here truly care for one another. And especially for you. You are a good person, and I hope you the best. I know a bit about your sitch, but I'm going to take the time to read it tonight. I wish there was a way we could all meet in person. Some of us really get through our days because of everybody here and it touches my heart. Have a good day Serenity.
(((Britt)))
Welcome and thank you for your kind words. I was just reading over your thread as well. I think you are a good person to and I also wish we could all meet in person.
Somedays I spend all day here, just getting advice, reading and then reading again until it is ingrained in my head so that I know how to react in any given situation...
Doesn't do anything for my paycheck but it makes me feel better lol
Tristan ~ From what I have been reading, you have been doing fantastic - Thank you for your kind words and you are always in my prayers as well. (((Hugs)))
Thank you Serenity. We are doing fantastic (relatively speaking). We are doing so well that I sometimes wonder if I should still be posting here. However, I remember some posters lamenting that people stopped posting when their situations improved. And I really do still feel like I am in DB mode, so I continue to post. I think someday I may move my thread over to the piecing section, but I have made so many friends here it is hard to leave
Thank you Serenity. We are doing fantastic (relatively speaking). We are doing so well that I sometimes wonder if I should still be posting here. However, I remember some posters lamenting that people stopped posting when their situations improved. And I really do still feel like I am in DB mode, so I continue to post. I think someday I may move my thread over to the piecing section, but I have made so many friends here it is hard to leave
I feel the same way (although I don't think we qualify as piecing yet).
But I think it is important that we all can see examples where DB'ing and fighting the divorce is going well, as well as examples where it is not.
Tristan & Trent ~
I for one am glad you both continue to come here and advise others - It is a wonderful example to see the process applied and then to see the outcome -
I know it isn't like that with everyone however it is still a great thing to see for all of us.
Serenity, Just wanted to let you know I am impressed at how far you have come and how you are handling things. I see what you are posting to others and you are more than standing on your own right now. I would call you a DB success story.
Cheers
Coach ~
That is an honor, my friend coming from you -
Thank you so very much.
(((Hugs)))
P.S. - You just actually made my day so (((Big Higs))) to you
Go, Serenity!
Serenity, Just wanted to let you know I am impressed at how far you have come and how you are handling things. I see what you are posting to others and you are more than standing on your own right now. I would call you a DB success story. Cheers
Coach kudos for the Serene one!
(I think you're a success, too.)
Just got in from cleaning & more raking outside. More work, cleaning to do tonight (10+ Brokers doing a walk-thru of house tomorrow), so I may not be around much, tonight. Will probably check in at bed time
(()).
(((Gardener)))
Always good to see you my friend...
Glad you are doing well today...
Have fun cleaning and I will talk to you later tonight
Coach kudos rank right up there with Puppy kudos
I couldn't have asked for a better set of mentors, advisors, friends then the ones here
Serenity,
I couldn't have asked for a better set of mentors, advisors, friends then the ones here
I agree. We should hold a convention or something, get together and have one big DB hoot!
Later.
Gardener ~
We should hold a convention or something, get together and have one big DB hoot
Sounds like fun to me
I am about to get off of work and head home but I will be back later tonight.
Best wishes to you all!
(((Hugs)))
Serenity,
Your post earlier today about being stronger and holding on for what GOd has in store for you is so inspiring. You sound so much better than just a couple of weeks ago. Just goes to show that pain is temporary, no matter what we are going through. AND that if you look up, answers are just waiting on us, all we have to do is listen.
bim
Gardener ~
[quote=Gardener]We should hold a convention or something, get together and have one big DB hoot
Sounds like fun to me
Just tell me where.
Kooties? Kudos? Same thing Puppy?
You have no kooties as far as I am concerned.
You are the best kind of Puppy to have around. (((Hugs)))
Oh, and I'm VERY well trained.
BIM ~
Thank you for this - It means alot to me that anything I say can help someone else somehow, someway.
I feel better today then I did last week.
I try very hard to wake up in a positive mood & say my prayers before I start my day (some days are better then others)...
It has taken me a long time to get to this place -
The road is bumpy and painful and dark at times however looking back, I wouldn't change a thing.
Every experience on this journey has given me a chance to become a stronger, better, more faithful woman...
I made the choices, I did the work, I sought out advice (and finally applied it), I received additional IC, I took additional meds, I walked, I cried, I screamed, I cut (not ashamed though not proud), I prayed...
I could have folded and just let it overtake me but I chose to rise above it...
To become a better woman -
Not for H -
For me -
For my boys.
Your post earlier today about being stronger and holding on for what God has in store for you is so inspiring. You sound so much better than just a couple of weeks ago. Just goes to show that pain is temporary, no matter what we are going through. AND that if you look up, answers are just waiting on us, all we have to do is listen.
Puppy ~
For some reason that cracks me up everytime...
Puppy ~
If you have a chance can you look over Stickman's thread and give him some advice - The thing with the kids being separated bothers me...I think he is lost in his own emotions and isn't thinking to clearly right now.
Thank you
Journaling~
Woke up this morning and wasn't feeling very serene.
Spent about an hour and a half on the phone last night with my MIL and she gave me some things to think about.
She doesn't know if my H can admit his faults because all he has ever done from day one when the going gets rough is run.
She is thankful to God every night of the love that I have for him and that I am willing to stand back and allow him to self-destruct.
All good and well however the questions I have within myself -
What kind of woman am I?
A part of me feels I should have more self-respect and should cut my losses -
Find someone who is worthy of my love because he sure isn't at this point in time.
I have based everything on a feeling I can't shake no matter how hard I try -
A feeling that no matter what happens, our marriage will survive this and become a better, stronger, more loving marriage.
That is the feeling I had as he sat in our garage so many months ago and admitted he had cheated.
I always thought if he cheated, I would be outta there yet here I am, trying to improve my self, learning new things about me.
I am strong enough to survive on my own, I don't need him in my life to be whole.
His actions have been ugly at best and I still want to make this work so what does that say about me?
I have searched within to make sure it isn't fear keeping me wanting to work on our marriage.
So what is it?
What makes a normal, sane woman want to hold onto something, that was once so secure and beautiful but that has now turned vile and hateful.
What turns a strong, ethical, moral, resposible man into a weak, selfish, morally bankrupt shell of his former self?
A man who used to care about his children however would now rather spend his days off trolling on FB.
He doesn't spend any time with them, doesn't call, doesn't check on them - What happened to him and why do I even care?
So again - What kind of woman have I become?
Oh (((((Serenity)))))...
such good questions!
You are hitting a nerve with me today.
What is that fine line between being a strong, self-respecting woman and a woman who is committed and faithful and willing to stand firm in the face of adversity to save her M?
I don't know either... am struggling with similar questions.
Wish I had answers for both you and me, but maybe it helps a bit to know you are not alone in your questions...
thinking of you today....
(((Rocked)))
It sucks...
I awoke with such a feeling of despair and I can't shake it.
The fine line I walk is usually ok with me however I have people telling me that it is over, to let go of him and move on and besides the people here on this board, I have 2 supporters IRL that are actually on my side (my MIL and my Pastor).
My support system is small to say the least - Most days I am just an idiot or I am stupid or a dumbass for even taking this stand much less believing he will come home.
And usually I can overlook it, however today doesn't seem to be one of those days.
What does that make you Serenity? Among other things a risk-taker, to be frank. A patient, forgiving, generous person who thinks that there may just be a chance H is not this ugly version he has become and may one day re-discover his true core. And who cares enough that she wants that to happen for him if at all possible, and to be with him if it does.
Not that it will devastate her if it doesn't, mind you.
A woman who is digging deep for the strength to deal with what it means "for better or worse".
You're a good person, don't lose sight of that no matter the outcome
Here's a little blues number I wrote for you goes something like this:
Woke up this morning, bo bom bu bump
feelin a little serene bo bom bu bump
Cant' believe all the places bo bom bu bump
my heart has been bo bom bu bump
Woke up this morning, bo bom bu bump
wondered who'd I become bo bom bu bump
I tell you right now people bo bom bu bump
I'm a son of a gun bo bom bu bump
You get to finish the tale.
Cheers
Deep ~
Thank you for that...Your words are very kind and just what I needed today.
I just feel torn today -
A part of me has no respect for him whatsoever, regadless of how I have been treated, my boys are suffering as well and as a man how can he not see that?
The complete 180 he has done just blows my mind when I stop to really think about it.
Coach ~
LOL...Now I have something other to think about
instead of where my mind has been all morning -
Thank you
((((Serenity)))
There will be days like this. And they will pass.
It is not a lack of self-respect that causes you to take a stand for your M. It is the fact that you value the meaning of marriage and you believe in committment. We all have the right to draw boundaries and point out disrespectful behavior and I believe that you have done this with your H. You have SELF RESPECT. At this point he does not appear to, nor does he respect the meaning of marriage. The problem of respect lies with him, not you.
The feeling of being disrespected is overwhelming. It can bring you to the groung in pain. BUT...ultimately our S are disrespecting God more than they are disrespecting us.
WALK YOUR PATH with pride and let him walk his. Once you ask God will let you know what you are supposed to do and I know you won't question that
((((Serenity)))
There will be days like this. And they will pass.
It is not a lack of self-respect that causes you to take a stand for your M. It is the fact that you value the meaning of marriage and you believe in committment. We all have the right to draw boundaries and point out disrespectful behavior and I believe that you have done this with your H. You have SELF RESPECT. At this point he does not appear to, nor does he respect the meaning of marriage. The problem of respect lies with him, not you.
The feeling of being disrespected is overwhelming. It can bring you to the groung in pain. BUT...ultimately our S are disrespecting God more than they are disrespecting us.
WALK YOUR PATH with pride and let him walk his. Once you ask God will let you know what you are supposed to do and I know you won't question that
Kara... what a good perspective! that helps me today so much as well!
((((Serenity)))
There will be days like this. And they will pass.
It is not a lack of self-respect that causes you to take a stand for your M. It is the fact that you value the meaning of marriage and you believe in committment. We all have the right to draw boundaries and point out disrespectful behavior and I believe that you have done this with your H. You have SELF RESPECT. At this point he does not appear to, nor does he respect the meaning of marriage. The problem of respect lies with him, not you.
The feeling of being disrespected is overwhelming. It can bring you to the groung in pain. BUT...ultimately our S are disrespecting God more than they are disrespecting us.
WALK YOUR PATH with pride and let him walk his. Once you ask God will let you know what you are supposed to do and I know you won't question that
Kara... what a good perspective! that helps me today so much as well!
Me, too. Thanks for sharing.
Serenity: Chin up. Spirit up. ((()))
Coach,
Here's a little blues number I wrote for you goes something like this:
Woke up this morning, bo bom bu bump
feelin a little serene bo bom bu bump
Cant' believe all the places bo bom bu bump
my heart has been bo bom bu bump
Woke up this morning, bo bom bu bump
wondered who'd I become bo bom bu bump
I tell you right now people bo bom bu bump
I'm a son of a gun bo bom bu bump
You get to finish the tale.
Cheers
Just stick to the drums, okay.
ONLY JOKING!!! That
was sweet.
WALK YOUR PATH with pride and let him walk his.
YES!!!!
DITTO ON THIS!!!
WALK YOUR PATH with pride and let him walk his.
YES!!!!
(((Serenity))) Just hold this little gem of a quote from Kara in your mind. She pointed out exactly what you needed to hear, but those few words above seriously spell it all out for you.
Your path is the high road, the one you have taken thus far and will continue to take because it is what you
believe. You aren't doing this for your H, you are doing it for yourself, because once all is said and done, M saved or M ended, you will know that you did
everything you could do for yourself and your kids. The Serenity I know wouldn't stand for less; no, she wouldn't!!!
We all have days when we get a bit weary and this is your day to let it out. But press on, sweet Serenity, because staying in this place where you are today
IS NOT what you want for yourself. But you already know that, don't ya?
You always remind all of us on this board that we are to listen to the signs and that people come our way for a reason. We are all here to get you through this day, so just let us know what you need. I, for one, will be praying for you.
bim
Serenity
I, for one, will be praying for you.bim
Make that two.
How are you tonight? Am I going to get my nightly Serenity serenity fix?
((()))
Serenity
I, for one, will be praying for you.bim
Make that two.
How are you tonight? Am I going to get my nightly Serenity serenity fix?
((()))
make that three!
Rocked
(((Kara)))
It is not a lack of self-respect that causes you to take a stand for your M. It is the fact that you value the meaning of marriage and you believe in committment.
Thank you - Out of everything said today you made me understand it was ok to feel this way because you hit the nail on the head...
In hindsight I wish I had not shared so much with some people IRL because once it gets thrown in my face, I second guess each and every move I have made thus far.
It truly makes me almost want to compromise my beliefs just so people will shut up and leave me alone.
The feeling of being disrespected is overwhelming. It can bring you to the ground in pain.
Exactly how I felt today.
BUT...ultimately our S are disrespecting God more than they are disrespecting us.
This is so true and so sad to me
WALK YOUR PATH with pride and let him walk his. Once you ask God will let you know what you are supposed to do and I know you won't question that
I needed this reminder once again.
Thank you Kara - Hugs to you
Serenity,
You sound better. I'm glad.
Signing off. See you tomorrow.
Prayers & ((())) coming your way.
((((BIM))))
We are all here to get you through this day, so just let us know what you need. I, for one, will be praying for you.
I already got what I needed...
No matter how good I feel or how bad I feel, I always find the support, encouragement, good friendship, love, faith, courage, wisdom etc...That I am seeking...
You guys rock!
Thank you so much for coming by and lifting my spirits today.
(((Gardener)))
Prayers and hugs to you to my friend...
My chin is up once again.
Thank you for waiting
Have a wonderful night.
Serenity,
(((Gardener)))
Prayers and hugs to you to my friend...
My chin is up once again.
Thank you for waiting
Have a wonderful night.
You too. Good night.
Here's a thought I just came to ~
Why am I allowing that wanker (my new word for the day) to occupy so much of my thoughts today?
He doesn't deserve me wasting a minute on reliving this sitch over and over.
So I am off to (hopefully) dreamland but not before prayer and giving thanks for what should have been in my mind today.
Tomorrow is a new day and I will wake up in a better mood with a more positive outlook - Know why? Because my outlook has changed for the better since I awoke this am.
(((Hugs))) and prayers for you all.
((((Serenity)))
Glad that you are feeling better.
About three weeks ago the disrespect I was feeling started to overwhelm me.I spent days growing angrier and angrier and could literally feel my heart racing in my chest. One night I couldn't get to sleep because it was racing so fast. That is WHEN a light-bulb went off in my head and I realized that I could not do that anymore. It was just too unhealthy. I realized that I truly had to give it to God and leave it there. I cannot SOLVE my H , nor is it my job to. The battle is not mine, it is the Lord's. My job is to pray for H and live my life according to God's will for me.
So, I chose to walk my own path and leave my H to his path without tying myself up in knots about it. I am giving him what he wants - limited contact and a warm but business like approach. I have seriously limited interaction with him because this is what he wants, right? I am busy enjoying MY LIFE because I am done with the drama. I am letting him initiate the conversations and contact. I have done this before but then allowed mysellf to become caught back up in what he was doing, where he was going etc.I find I am in my healthiest state of mind when I just ignore his actions once they are not violating the boundaries I have identified to him. God doesn't want me to sit around wondering and worrying when I have given my problems to Him.
Sorry for hijacking your thread but I just wanted to let you know what has been working for me when I face the same issues you do. I have decided that I owe it to myself to enjoy my life.
BTW there is a song I just love. It is called "God favored me". I can't remember who signs it but you can find it on You Tube. Part of it goes "Will not bend, will not bow, God favors me"....
Serenity,
Tomorrow is a new day and I will wake up in a better mood with a more positive outlook - Know why? Because my outlook has changed for the better since I awoke this am.
(((Hugs))) and prayers for you all.
"Finish each day and be done with it.
You have done what you could,
Some blunders and absurdities have crept in;
Forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day.
You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit
to be encumbered with your old nonsense."Emerson
(((Kara)))
Thank you for your post back to me -
Everything you said is true and I know it deep in my heart, I wish I wouldn't allow the thoughts to overtake me however I can at least admit, they aren't as bad as when this journey first started.
No apologies on the h/j - This helps me a lot so I appreciate any input and I am willing to try different options to help me make my journey a little easier.
It is only when I stop the truly look at the situation as a whole that I beging to have a problem.
I have gone totally dark on him...We don't speak at all not even about the kids anymore - He has basically taken the "Out of sight, out of mind" approach and I can't lie and say it doesn't break my heart.
I received an email this morning with the following passage which I thought was perfect after the last couple of days - Just another reminder that He is still looking out for us.
(((Hugs))) and prayers for you.
"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."
II Corinthians 4:8-9
I will look up the song on youtube - Thank you
(((Gardener)))
Absolutely perfect - Thank you for this.
I will add this quote to my book...
How are you doing today?
Serenity
(((Gardener)))
Absolutely perfect - Thank you for this.
I will add this quote to my book...
How are you doing today?
I'm glad you like it. Both your name and your statement (that I put in boldface) reminded me of it. I've had it in a frame on my dresser for years. Say it every night. Still keep it on the dresser even though I know it by heart.
Kinda blah and tired today. Didn't go to work. Bummin' around in sweats.
Got some things on my mind:stepson still ignoring me, why my STBXWs walls seem thicker an higher even though we have virtually NO contact and her longed-for D id just 6 weeks away. When we do have contact, she of the cold, dead eyes and disdainful expression (as I've dubbed her) acts more and more like she
despises me.
Some have said I should be tougher w/demands in mediation (and I have been more so) but it's basically just stuff and not much of it, and money (even less) so I really just don't care. "Fine, whatever, let's just get this over with and JUST. GO. AWAY." Some have suggested she probably doesn't respect that and a woman can't love a man she doesn't respect. But I'm really no longer interested in having her love or respect. Don't have them now. Haven't had them for a year. Don't miss 'em anymore. In most ways better off without 'em.
Aren't you glad you asked?
Not helping things sitting here moping. Gonna shower, dress, go get a haircut, do some banking, run some errands and shake off this self-imposed funk.
Thanks, Seren, see you later.
I threw this together for my wallet. It should be about the size of a standard business card:
http://www.freeimagehosting.net/uploads/2b6559849a.png
(((Trent)))
Thank you so much...
I printed it out and will keep it on my person wherever I go!
(((Trent)))
Thank you so much...
I printed it out and will keep it on my person wherever I go!
That's why I made it available.
I have a PDF file with a 3x4 layout, if you wanted to take it and get them printed onto cardstock.
(((Gardener)))
You know she doesn't despise you - It is her defense mechanism - Same with my H and his "out of sight, out of mind" manner.
I think it is a cop-out for both of them and quite frankly it is just plain sad.
From what I have seen here, you are a good man my friend and any woman would be lucky to call you her H.
The dreaded self-imposed funk - Right where I was at this time yesterday - Either wallow in it or shake it off - I wallowed and it just drug my day out, I am hoping that doesn't happen to you
Now stop moping and go get your ears lowered
Trent ~
I saved the picture so I can take it down to the office store at lunch...
Right now I just have the B&W since we don't have colored ink here...
One of my all time favorite sayings - Hence the name
Perfect - Thank you very much Trent!
Just poppin' in with some hugs and puppy licks, 13. I do think that "dark" is where you need to be right now, as difficult as that can be on some days.
Well . . . um . . . HUGS AND PUPPY LICKS,
Puppy
Perfect - Thank you very much Trent!
You're welcome -- others can feel free to make copies of it, too.
No, I'm going to get my ass in gear so fast my funk will be eating my dust. I've had (allowed myself?) far too many of these days this year and more and more I'm starting to say, "What? No, no, no. I'm not doing
this to myself again
today!"
[quote=Serenity13]Now stop moping and go get your ears lowered
[/qoute]
yesmaamloggingoffbye
(((Puppy)))
It sucks and well quite frankly I don't like it.
However I accept it for the time being.
I do think that "dark" is where you need to be right now, as difficult as that can be on some days.
I learn something new everyday about myself and for that alone I wouldn't change the circumstance.
I am learning to help others based on the most soul-shattering experience of my life and that my friend is quite frankly awesome.
For me to be able to put aside my hurt, pain, anger, despair etc...And help just one person well that is a reward I never thought would come out of this situation and I am thankful for the chance to make a difference.
Serenity, All this is what makes you so special. Not everyone recognizes the positives that come out of these very unfortunate circumstances.
I learn something new everyday about myself and for that alone I wouldn't change the circumstance.
I am learning to help others based on the most soul-shattering experience of my life and that my friend is quite frankly awesome.
For me to be able to put aside my hurt, pain, anger, despair etc...And help just one person well that is a reward I never thought would come out of this situation and I am thankful for the chance to make a difference.
I still choose to believe that we are doing what we need to do and are where we are supposed to be.
If ya didn't already, checked out Rocked's thread and what she said to her H last night. THE BEST!!!
bim
Doh! I just realized that it's an 8-card layout instead of 12-card layout. I guess I can't count that early in my day...
Trent ~ No problem at all. I have the copy and I love that I can keep it in my wallet.
BIM ~ Trying to stay positive is a real challenge at times but you are right - We are where we are supposed to be.
Gotta go check on Rocked and see what is up over there...
Journal/Vent ~
As I was putting the little one to bed tonight, I got to thinking and I realized what has been bothering me lately...
I see the new people come here and read the sitchs they are in, I read the people who have been here from when I joined and I read the archives of the people I hear from and it dawned on me...
I am mad that my H left the way he did...
I have yet to see a sitch where someone came home from work and their spouse had packed up and moved while they were at work. Leaving behind no note, no phone call while their son slept in the next room...
Just a text 7 hours later saying they weren't coming home.
I see spouses leaving all the time here however they give some kind of semi warning.
I don't understand how after 22 years together, I barely warranted a text message...
I didn't have a chance to fight, I didn't have a chance to let him see any of the changes (I know they aren't for him, I am just saying), I didn't have a chance to 180 him...
And now he has the balls to go dark on me?
WTH?
No worries, not cutting just venting
Trent ~ No problem at all. I have the copy and I love that I can keep it in my wallet.
BIM ~ Trying to stay positive is a real challenge at times but you are right - We are where we are supposed to be.
Gotta go check on Rocked and see what is up over there...
Journal/Vent ~
As I was putting the little one to bed tonight, I got to thinking and I realized what has been bothering me lately...
I see the new people come here and read the sitchs they are in, I read the people who have been here from when I joined and I read the archives of the people I hear from and it dawned on me...
I am mad that my H left the way he did..
Good. About time. Anger is one of the stages that we must go through - and in my case,I even had a few good screaming-in-the-car anger rages at God. We're allowed to, you know. Besides, He understands.I have yet to see a sitch where someone came home from work and their spouse had packed up and moved while they were at work. Leaving behind no note, no phone call while their son slept in the next room...
CowardJust a text 7 hours later saying they weren't coming home.
Heartless coward.I see spouses leaving all the time here however they give some kind of semi warning.
Yeah, though small comfort it is, I assure you. Still, I understand your point...and your anger.
I don't understand how after 22 years together, I barely warranted a text message...
You warranted much more to be sure. He couldn't summon up anything more than that because he doesn't have it within him. That and cowardice. And guilt
I didn't have a chance to fight, I didn't have a chance to let him see any of the changes (I know they aren't for him, I am just saying), I didn't have a chance to 180 him...
Yeah, but you might have used that "chance" to do all the wrong things we semi-warned have done: plead, cry, beg, ILY and push him out the door anyway. Do your 180s and GAL for you. You know this. If he doesn't see it directly, he'll get intel reports from the field.And now he has the balls to go dark on me?
From my perspective, he has no balls. It's probably cowardly, guilty darkness with some other less-than-admirable traits thrown in. Go/stay dark on him. Out of strength and dignity.Now, repeat after me: "Finish this day and be done with it,
You have done what you could....."
No worries,
not cutting just venting
Great!Goodnight and (((Serenity)))
I learn something new everyday about myself and for that alone I wouldn't change the circumstance.
I am learning to help others based on the most soul-shattering experience of my life and that my friend is quite frankly awesome.
For me to be able to put aside my hurt, pain, anger, despair etc...And help just one person well that is a reward I never thought would come out of this situation and I am thankful for the chance to make a difference.
I feel the same way. I have had a few friends tell me lately that their marriages have gotten better since my separation. They have used my situation to work on their own marriages and I guess in a way I'm glad for that. Ya it sucks that my marriage is going down the tubes, but hey, If it helped somebody else out in the long run, then that's a bonus I guess.
(((Gardener)))
All I have today is Thank You for all that.
I am tired today, physically, emotionally and mentally and it seems after doing some digging on my part that my H has been lying to me all along and him and that bitch are in fact living together - I don't even know how to begin to process this friggen information. I apologize for my language.
He can shack up with her yet can't take care of his own children. Today is payday (for him) and he left me with - ELEVEN whole dollars for 2 weeks...He got to the bank before I did and took almost everything.
I just plain hurt right now.
(((Serenity13)))
I'm sorry that you had to find all this out the hard way.
And the money thing is totally inexcusable. What in the hell is he thinking?
You currently have custody of the kids, right? Is he just going to let his kids starve? Especially with Thanksgiving coming up?
(((Trent)))
I have found out everything the hard way so I should know by now once I go digging, I am bound to find out something I didn't want to know 5 minutes ago - Serves me right I guess.
I honestly don't know what the hell he is thinking - I don't understand the lying I really don't - What purpose is it serving?
I don't think he cares about his kids and whether they eat or not. Good thing we are living with my parents right now and they wouldn't allow that to happen and of course I have a job -
It is just the principal of the matter.
Well, it's something to document when it comes time for custody to be decided, anyway.
(((Trent)))
I have found out everything the hard way so I should know by now once I go digging, I am bound to find out something I didn't want to know 5 minutes ago - Serves me right I guess.
Serenity, it sounds like it was GOOD and WISE that you DID, considering what you've found out! You are looking out for the interests of your family!!! (when Schmuckface isn't).
So give yourself a break there.
You need to speak with your atty re: immediate temporary spousal support and child support. You have a very strong case.
Puppy
You need to speak with your atty re: immediate temporary spousal support and child support. You have a very strong case.
Puppy
This, too.
You need to speak with your atty re: immediate temporary spousal support and child support. You have a very strong case.
Puppy
This, too.
Serenity,
You may be able to get some helpful knowledge on here:
Florida Divorce Source As I live in Florida too, I know a thing or two about the "immediate and temporary support" thing.
Puppy
btw, at 19 years +, yours is considered to be a "Long-term marriage" under Florida family law (15 years).
I notice he has a nice military pension??
What is his CURRENT income situation again?
Puppy
((((Serenity)))))
Be strong hon. You can do this. Take the action you need to take for you and the kids. Hold your head high. You will be ok no matter what.
You are in my prayers today.
^^^EVEN BETTER!!!^^^(Leave it to Puppy...)
$11 ?!?
I agree with everyone here. You need to call an atty and tell him/her it's urgent.
Stay strong. This is the part where we learn what Serenity is made of.
Stay strong. This is the part where we learn what Serenity is made of.
LMAO - (((((Puppy))))) I needed that laugh so much!
Ok I have contacted the legal department though it may be next week before they get back to me - That is the military for you and since I am not the military personnal, that is what I get -
Puppy ~ Thank you for the thread on Florida - I will be reading that as soon as I am off work. His current income status - He takes as much as he can before I can get to the bank. We were splitting 50/50 but apparently he needed more today then before -WTF ever.
Gardener ~ Let's just say he is lucky all of our stuff is in storage at the moment otherwise I may succumb to temptation and burn all his s**t.
Rocked ~ Prayers is all I need so thank you so much.
Sad ~ (((hugs)))
When I uncovered the lie earlier he has been feeding me for months, I felt sick all over again...
I go back to when this first started and he took great pleasure it seemed to rub it in my face, and now all of a sudden everything is so secretive...
I had some thoughts but removed them right away because I will not allow him to break me.
So I did the next best thing, (as opposed to confronting him and letting him know he hurt me again) I called his Mom and let her know what her son has done this time - Now remember she has been my supporter from day one and wants no part of the sicko and his wackiness.
I talked to her for a few, then went for a little walk out back - Kind of hard since I am at work but needed the fresh air. Cleared my head once again and decided that once legal gets back to me I won't stop with them until someone pushes the paperwork through. I have been waiting on this child support and it shouldn't take 10 months to get (the time frame they gave me)...
I came back into work and removed him for good from my cell phone plan. (Don't 2x4 me Puppy, I know I should have kept him off months ago but I was trying to be nice)...
His insurance has been cancelled as well - Not my responsibility to take care of it and since my name is no where on the car, so be it.
He will also be receiving the following words from me when he gets home and checks his email - Barring any changes you all think I need to make before sending.
H~
Since you no longer find it necessary to support your children financially, I no longer find it necessary to foot the bill for your affair. You need a new cell phone plan and car insurance.
Serenity~
I think that's perfect. I wouldn't change a word.
PROUD of you, 13. I mean that.
Puppy
I think that's perfect. I wouldn't change a word.
PROUD of you, 13. I mean that.
Puppy
Ditto
You are a strong, amazing woman Serenity!
Puppy ~ Thank you for not 2x4ing me
The email has been sent with no changes as per you and Coach's advice...
I am DONE doing anything based on how it makes him feel -
OMG, smacking myself in the forehead, I have been doing that for almost 9 months now...
Eggshells are swept up and in the trash and if he doesn't like it - Sorry for ya buster.
I feel liberated right now - One of his biggest lies (finally) caught and I am going to be just fine my friends.
I feel like I should be sad and weepy and woe is me but you know what???
I feel like I could do a jig.
As are you Rocked - I am following along with your sitch and you are doing wonderfully!
I am DONE doing anything based on how it makes him feel
Hooray!
Halleluja!
Congratulations!
You go, girl!
Can I getta
Amen?!?
Only took - FOREVER
Amen my friend...
AMEN!
Damn straight! Way to take charge on the phone, the car, and life in general.
Is it possible for you to get an outside atty on your side to push the military atty a little faster on this support? Eleven dollars just isn't going to make it through the weekend.
Also, ask your own atty what the rules are about notifying him about his stuff. There are laws about selling or disposing assets during a sep or div. I don't want to see you get in trouble down the road. (Then again he left you with only $11 so if you have to eat...)
Only took - FOREVER
Amen my friend...
AMEN!
(((Serenity))) A woman said to me last week, "You can't be pitiful
and powerful."
Sistergirl,
you are powerful!!!
bim
Hellooooo
Serenity?
Where you been for three days, girl?
Hellooooo
Serenity?
Where you been for three days, girl?
Hopefully, enjoying herself.
Just checking in as well...
I hope you had a good weekend Serenity. It sounds like you were doing well considering everything.
Gardener, Trent & Tristan ~
Thank you for checking on me. (((Hugs)))
I am good as can be expected...
Didn't do much Sat. (was tired and below you will see why)
Went to Church on Sunday then last night went and had a few drinks with my Mom and Sister then went to the movies.
I have had a long weekend thanks in part to my oldest who decided that after me giving him permission to stay at a friends' house Friday night, he was then going to not be where he said...
So I drove around til almost 3 am looking for him, never found him, he comes in Saturday morning and I am 99% sure he was high upon his return. Said he and some friends had slept in a park because he didn't want to be at my parents house (where we are living)...He wants everything to go back to the way it was.
I then unactivated H phone so I could let him know what was going on and his response after saying I should ground him from everything was that maybe son needed to live with him because he may need a sterner parental unit.
Please tell me who in the eff that stern parent would be?
My husband? He who acts like he is younger then my son?
Lord give me strength for this mess that my life has become.
Lord give me strength for this mess that my life has become.
Serenity. I am sorry for everything. However, your life is good - that is the life you are in control of. You can not control your husband or even your son. All you can do is try to be the best mother and W you possibly can. You are doing that. The fact that those close to you are making bad choices is not a reflection of you.
. . . and his response after saying I should ground him from everything was that maybe son needed to live with him because he may need a sterner parental unit.
Please tell me who in the eff that stern parent would be?
My husband? He who acts like he is younger then my son?
NO!!! YOU are the person of character right now, Serenity (seems like you have always been, as well), so YOU need to fight to have your son stay with you, as challenging as that is going to be at times.
Your son is sad and angry and confused, and so he's testing you. You need to pass the test, or he'll just push the boundaries even further. And even if you PASS it, he will likely test you again. It's what kids do.
It's just wearying, I know, when your H is also a damned kid right now.
Puppy
Serenity,
Sorry about the worrisome ordeal.
Random thoughts (all of which you already know)
Give son consequences, set boundaries, but remember he's young, confused and in pain. Has he had/is he in IC? If not and he balks, set up an initial consultation anyway. Alternatively, is there a counselor at school, maybe?
Buy one of the many in-home drug-testing kits. Make testing part of consequences if he goes AWOL, wayward or if you even
suspect he's high.
Live with H?? Right.
Did he really say "parental unit" or is that just you?
Coneheads, anyone?
Mepps!! Mepps!!
Hang in there.
(((Tristan)))
Thank you for your kind words...
I used to take it all to heart (and still do sometimes to be honest) and think everything was a reflection on me...
Now I know better and I also know I have no control over it...
At this point in time I just want to smack both of them
(((Puppy)))
As long as there is breath in me, my H isn't getting my son.
My son seems to think if he goes and lives with H, he won't be made to follow any rules and can pretty much do whatever he wants. (I am not disagreeing since I know how my H is acting)
So since I put my foot down on that matter, I am the b***h in his eyes.
I already let my H know that neither one of our sons will be visiting his place at any point in time (unless I am court ordered).
He can come and visit them at the place I am living or take them to the park, bowling etc...
But under no circumstances are they allowed to enter his den of sin.
As you know he hasn't bothered to take me up on any of those offers and hasn't fought me to allow them to go there either.
He lives in the exact moment he is in, so sad to say, I don't trust him with our boys right now.
(((Gardener)))
LOL...He said the parental unit
I did ground S from almost everything (until further notice) and since he is off school this week for Thanksgiving break, he isn't liking me much right now.
He has already called me to see if he can go to the mall with some friends...
Not gonna happen plus my Mom is there so he is now under constant supervision.
We have court on Wednesday and he will have to do a drug test he doesn't know this and I am not warning him ahead of time either. If he fails the test he goes to detention...
I am at a loss that he is testing me this way however the enemy still isn't going to win.
Serenity,
So good to hear you sounding stronger and stronger every day!
Serenity,
Another thought: are there any decent adult male role models - in school or church, perhaps - that your son likes and who you might ask to give your boy some time and attention?
If H is all he has (leaving out the above words decent and adult), he needs a surrogate. Especially at his age.
Gardener ~
Thank you...I wish I felt as strong as I sound however it ebbs and flows...I act "as if" until I know it is complete within me.
As for the role models ~ Our Pastor is more then willing as is my Dad (we live with my parents right now), also shockingly enough the detective in the trespassing case has reached out to him, came to see him at school and let him know anytime he would be right there...
My S did (unbeknownst to me) sign up for a mentor through his school who comes and visits him once a week - A man from the nearby military base who S seems to really enjoy talking to...
I know H has repeatedly stated he would be there for the boys no matter what however his actions sure speak louder then his words.
Here is another bump in my journey ~ Received a text message from my brother tonight stating I needed to get my stuff out of his storage unit by next Thursday...
How sweet is my family?
So now with no money, I have to find a storage unit, rent a truck, hopefully find some men to help move things otherwise I get to move all the furniture with maybe my S to help all within a weeks time...
I also have to work 6 days a week and have court on Wednesday for the trespassing charge.
Tell you what - When the enemy has his sights set on you, he is relentless
Gardener ~
Thank you...I wish I felt as strong as I sound however it ebbs and flows...I act "as if" until I know it is complete within me.
Same thing. Same here, too.
As for the role models ~ Our Pastor is more then willing as is my Dad (we live with my parents right now), also shockingly enough the detective in the trespassing case has reached out to him, came to see him at school and let him know anytime he would be right there...
All of this is good news I didn't know/forgot that you were with your folks. Grandpa, that's great.
My S did (unbeknownst to me) sign up for a mentor through his school who comes and visits him once a week - A man from the nearby military base who S seems to really enjoy talking to...
Better and better. Blessed.I know H has repeatedly stated he would be there for the boys no matter what however his actions sure speak louder then his words.
Pffft!Here is another bump in my journey ~ Received a text message from my brother tonight stating I needed to get my stuff out of his storage unit by next Thursday...
So now with no money, I have to find a storage unit, rent a truck, hopefully find some men to help move things otherwise I get to move all the furniture with maybe my S to help all within a weeks time...
Bump. Ouch!I also have to work 6 days a week and have court on Wednesday for the trespassing charge.
Tell you what - When the enemy has his sights set on you, he is relentless
Yeah, but you're still standin'!Keep hangin in'.
Gardener ~
We are all still standing -
Some a little taller then others however none of us have hit the ground and not gotten back up no matter what has been thrown our way...
This website is full of some of the most determined people I have ever met - Very inspiring
We are all still standing -
Some a little taller then others however none of us have hit the ground and not gotten back up no matter what has been thrown our way...
This website is full of some of the most determined people I have ever met - Very inspiring
I sense a movie script in the works.
Wow, this should be its own thread. Who would play you in the DivorceBusting movie?
I would choose to play Wifey -
I still want to wear the panties of armor she offered me so long ago
You wouldn't need to play anyone Trent - You have done awesome in such a short time
Ok Trent -
You asked who would play me and apparently I read that wrong so to answer your question I would have someone like Drew Barrymore or Reese Witherspoon...
Someone who has a range of emotions.
Who would you pick?
OOh this is a fun game! Can I play?
I would pick Naomi Watts to play me... partly cuz I've been told I look like her... but mostly because she seems to play characters that are strong women.
Who else is gonna play?.... come on.....
I would pick Naomi Watts to play me... partly cuz I've been told I look like her...
Would you go out with me? I think Naomi is beautiful.
Hi Seren, haven't posted to you in awhile, but reading your thread...
Sam and Rockedworld, sittin' in a tree . . .
LOL Puppy ~ How cute you are
Hey, Serenity.
Just checking in on my friends after a few days off. Looks like you took a couple days off yourself. Sorry to hear about your S and his testing. And sad to know that they never stop testing. I had my fingers crossed that boys were different and would stop when they got older.
Good for you for standing your ground, with your S and with your H.
I would pick Naomi Watts to play me... partly cuz I've been told I look like her...
Would you go out with me? I think Naomi is beautiful.
Well, Sam, I do declare... you made my blush IRL.... But, also gave me a much needed ego boost! thanks for that...
Sam and Rockedworld, sittin' in a tree . . . OMG too funny, I feel like I'm in junior high....hehehe....
Sorry for the hijack Serenity....
Hey, Serenity,
I didn't see you or look for you until now, And now I'm logging off in a few minutes.
I hope you are serene.
Gardener ~
Just had a chance to get on...
Going to bed early tonight since we have court at 8am tomorrow...
Had a mini breakdown earlier in front of my Dad...
Let's just say that no matter what I do/don't do say/don't say, it is always H's fault and well I get tired of it...
Then S informed me he would rather live with his Dad (as if pigs just flew out of my butt) and I took it as offensive...
Called him a traitor (I know I know) and couldn't understand why he has no loyalty to me and what H has done to all of us...
He just wants to live where life is easiest for him. (Sounds just like his Dad)...
I am not trying to turn my kids against their Dad, I haven't even uttered a bad word about H in front of them but damn a little anger towards HIM and not me would be nice for a change.
And that is my day in a nutshell...
I would accept some prayers for tomorrow from all of you that pray.
(((Hugs)))
Hey BIM...
Nice to see you as always...
I was just going to catch up on your thread and saw this message...
It is funny, when I was pregnant with both boys, I prayed for boys...
No girls...
I know how girls are and never had the patience for them plus I know what a handfull I was and up until recently, the boys have been wonderfully the exact opposite of girls...
Now - Not so much
(((Hugs)))
Serenity,
Yep, that's a rough day, alright.
Apologize to son for "Traitor". But you know that.
This entire group is part of my prayers every night. I will set phone alarm for 8:00 am and think positive thoughts for you tomorrow in court.
Gardener ~
I apologized of course...
It just stings to know he isn't as mad and hurt as I am however I don't want it to cloud his thoughts so I normally keep mine to myself until after they are in bed...
No need to wake up early (I am sure you are an hour ahead of me anyway)...
And thank you for the prayers my friend, y'all are always in mine as well.
Good Afternoon To All ~
I hope this finds you all having a wonderful day before Thanksgiving.
So far it has been ok here...
Got up far to early to be in court, S was put on probabtion (indeterminate amount of time - up to age 19) and given 100 hours of community service.
We will also have to pay restitution once that is final.
He is now subjected to random drug testing as well as random curfew checks...
Can't be outside of the house after 8pm nor before 6am ...
He can't leave the state or move from the house we are in unless court approved...
Let him know in no uncertain terms am I living with my parents for another 5 years!
He was fingerprinted once again and also given a DNA test...
After court we had to go meet his PO and had to sit there for another hour and fifteen minutes while she explained to us exactly what happens upon starting probation...
Good thing to come out of this (if I was really mean and evil like he thinks), if he is rude or disrespectful, all it takes is one phone call and he will be placed in secure detention for 5 days.
So the million dollar question - Did H show?
Of course not
He did text me before we walked into court to ask me to call him when we were done.
I didn't bother...
Waited for him to do it...
For someone who claims to want to be a part of his children's lives, he sure has a s****y way of showing it.
So beyond that, all is well in my land today.
Serenity,
Have a Happy Thanksgiving.
-Tristan.
Serenity.
It all sounds tough but fair. Betcha your boy stays back on the straight and narrow.
Pretty cheesy that H didn't show/texted instead. Glad you didn't call like he asked you to.
I would've ignored his call and returned it 3 or 4 hours later.
Thank you Tristan and the same to you and your family
I agree Gardener and I really didn't care to call him so I waited until he called me then let it ring 5 times before I answered it.
I am a little stunned he didn't show up though, considering he is off of work today - I just want to scream at him - Damn man that is your son - Forget me - Do it for him...
What in the hell is wrong with him? - Scratch that - I don't even want to know anymore...
He didn't even ask about the little one, made me glad I didn't ask him for Thanksgiving...
Selfish, self-absorbed prick is all I have for him today.
Sounds like you pretty much nailed it in that last line.
That wasn't nice and I am sorry for even speaking like that.
Ah, cut yourself some slack.
But I understand.
That's rough Serenity. (((hugs))). Do cut yourself some slack.
Thanks O'dog...
I am actually in a better place then earlier -
I was reading something Gypsy posted to me and it really helped a lot...
Instead of being angry at H, I am just sending my best wishes to him (via thoughts).
I have to continuously remind myself that my "H" isn't the "H" I married -
Once I can wrap my mind around this, I will be ok...
Maybe I should just have it tattooed onto my wrist so I won't keep forgetting.
Serenity,
I was reading something Gypsy posted to me and it really helped a lot...
Isn't that list of Gypsy's absolutely wonderful?
Every line a gem of wisdom.
All, of course, learned the painful way.
That list has helped prevent pain and stumbles for me, that's for sure.
Maybe I should have that list tattooed on me instead lol....
I wish I had read it before I allowed some wallowing however I am better now for having read it...
I was contemplating texting (put the wood away) H to have a Happy Thanksgiving but I couldn't bring myself to do it...
I just feel bad for him...
We of course have been apart for many holidays due to him being in the military for 20 years however this is all so new...
Not being with the ones you love on such a special day...
Not knowing if he is going to have a nice homecooked meal...
If he is going to be alone or with her...
I have said it before and I will say it again -
It would be much easier if I didn't love him.
(((((Rocked)))))
Thank you my friend
That wasn't nice and I am sorry for even speaking like that.
You're human. You're tired. It's OK.
Have a great day tomorrow!
Trent ~
Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family...
I wish you all a wonderful peaceful day full of great food, great spirits and great company...
(((((Hugs)))))
((((Serenity))))
Happy Thanksgiving!
Happy Thanksgiving, Serenity! I pray for BLESSINGS in your life this holiday season.
Hugs & Puppy licks,
Puppy
Thank you Gardener & Puppy...
I hope you both had a wonderful day...
I got up yesterday and thought to myself, "I will be ok today"...
I made the decision to not let outside forces influence how I would feel...
I watched the parade with my little one, helped in the kitchen, ate some great food, received a phone call from MIL which I returned later (more in a minute), watched my Cowboys win (whoo-hoo), laid with the little one later on until he went to sleep.
My oldest barely came out of his room except for when it was time to eat and I left him alone...
Later on after little one was sleeping I returned the call to my MIL...
She said H had called her that morning to wish her a Happy Thanksgiving then changed the subject to talk about him and his health...(Not once yesterday via text, email nor call did he even acknowledge the day to our boys - Nothing...)
She said they didn't talk very long however she feels he is basically losing his mind...
She believes that something happened when he was in Iraq (2 years ago) that he hasn't faced and that is what started this ball rolling...
Told her I didn't care...
The fact that he couldn't even be bothered to wish his own kids a Happy Thanksgiving speaks volumes to me and I was just about done, that because of the way he keeps treating my boys, I am being pushed to go against my beliefs and may just have to throw in the towel myself because God forbid he grows a set and does what he states he wants ( a divorce)...
Went to bed and slept like crap...
My little one comes in the room this am and hands me the phone says talk to Daddy (thought he was joking about H being on the phone)...
Yep, my son called his Dad at 7am to tell him Happy Thanksgiving because the man couldn't even be bothered.
I took the phone told H sorry little one bothered him and he has the nerve to be chipper and happy with me...
Telling me no problem he can call anytime blah blah blah ends the call with I love you baby WTF-EVER. Hung up and talked to little one once again about calling his Dad...(for the simple fact I never know which jerk is going to answer and why should we have to make all the effort for him to keep his relationship with his boys???)
My niece also talked to him and he was kind enough to tell her and son that he would be home soon after I specifically asked him not to say that unless he means it....
At this point in time, I don't know what I want anymore...
The more I try to 180 and act as if, the more lost I become.
I have to figure out a way to rise above this crap somehow someway...
My thoughts are all jumbled, my emotions are a mess and no matter how many times I tell myself this isn't really him, I still find myself wondering does he really mean this/does he really mean that?
How can I get past the "uniqueness of the situation" syndrome that I feel drowning me?
I heard this on the radio today - Never really listened to the words so I googled it - All I have to say is Damn -
Evanescence -
Call Me When You're Sober
Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.
Should I let you fall?
Lose it all?
So maybe you can remember yourself.
Can't keep believing,
We're only deceiving ourselves .
And I'm sick of the lie,
And you're too late.
Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.
Couldn't take the blame.
Sick with shame.
Must be exhausting to lose your own game.
Selfishly hated,
No wonder you're jaded.
You can't play the victim this time,
And you're too late.
Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind.
You never call me when you're sober.
You only want it cause it's over,
It's over.
How could I have burned paradise?
How could I - you were never mine.
So don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
Don't lie to me,
Just get your things.
I've made up your mind.
wow Serenity... damn is right...
Hey (((Rocked)))
I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving!
Been a slow day at work so I have been really paying attention to what is on the radio (for some unknown reason other then the fact that I am bored lol)and as I was listening to this song I kept thinking damn - I could have said that
Makes you wonder what she was going through when it was written.
Hi Serenity
I was just catching up on today's posts and saw that Kyries Eleison is part of your sig now. Interesting. I say that prayer from time to time. Remember the song? Can't recall who it was by...
Hi Kara ~
I knew the song - Mr. Mister - But thought all along it was a girls name...
I didn't know until today it was a prayer and thought it was fitting since I am forever saying in my head "Lord, Have Mercy" on just about any sitch I find myself in.
I wasn't able to find the whole prayer though...Just bits and pieces of it.
If it isn't to much trouble can you post it for me?
(((Hugs)))
She said they didn't talk very long however she feels he is basically losing his mind...
She believes that something happened when he was in Iraq (2 years ago) that he hasn't faced and that is what started this ball rolling...
Told her I didn't care...
Your anger is blinding you. What happened in Iraq? This is worth exploring.
Hey, Seren,
I wouldn't know where to start (will give it some thought), but Coach is right. A mother who was trying to minimize or totally excuse an adult son's behavior, has a whole treasure-trove of cliches to come up with.
But a mother who feels her son is "basically losing his mind," should be heeded.
Hi Serenity, I havent posted to you before, but I just went back and found your original thread. I agree with Coach, this might be something to pay attention to. Im surprised that she would contact you this way, esp when issues like custody may come up at some point, this could be a fairly damning admission for her to bring to your attention. Do you think that shes expecting you do do something with this information?
Hi Serenity
I didn't get to answer your question about Kyrie Eleison before.There are three parts to the Kyrie
Kyrie Eleison
Christe Eleison
Kyrie Eleison
It simply means - Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy, Lord have mercy.
Hope that helps!
Hey Coach ~
I have tried but he won't talk about it...
To me or anyone else...
I knew the moment something happened because his emails to me changed (I still have all of them from when he was there)...
It wasn't anything I could pinpoint though and trust me I have tried - The tone of them changed...
He came back and bam retired as soon as he could - Didn't want a retirement party, didn't want any acknowledgement of the 20 years he spent in the service and he was always so proud of his work so of course in hindsight I see that something was wrong however as the time I believed him when he said he was just tired of the military, tired of moving every 3 years and tired of being deployed and away from his family.
Whatever happened there his Mother and I believe set off the MLC, I just wish I knew what it was.
Gardener ~
I agree with you as well as Coach & Blue...But like I told Coach, he came back and never wanted to discuss what he saw over there...Wouldn't get any type of counseling either...I wish I knew but he won't tell anyone...
Blue ~
Thank you for coming and for what you said...
My MIL has been by my side from day one so whatever she says, she knows could be used against him...
I don't think it is something she is giving me to use as it is a view that she sees something isn't right with him.
If you knew him, truly knew him, you would be blown away by the changes he has exibited in the past 8 months.
For all intents and purposes, he is a complete 180 from the man we know and he won't talk to anyone who loves him...
He prefers to talk to the 2 women from his past because the way I see it, he can be the man he was when they knew him back when. All a lie I know but whatever he is running from is sure to catch up to him eventually.
Kara ~ Thank you for posting that - Yes it does help.
Hi All ~
I hope this finds you all well...
I haven't had a chance to check out anyones situational changes because I just needed a break this weekend...
I needed to be away from here for awhile to just think...
All is well here and didn't do much over the weekend...
I did go and watch a football game yesterday as well as Church today...
My oldest was riding his bike home from the mall yesterday and a car (driving with no lights) hit him...He is ok though - Shaken up but no injuries - Thank God...
He actually got up and went to Church with me this morning.....
Spoke to my Pastor and S will be doing his 100 hours of community service at the Church...
Haven't heard from H but that really isn't a surprise....
I was watching a movie this morning before Church and heard the line - "He doesn't see you because he doesn't want the guilt that it brings"...Don't know what movie but the line was perfect and made sense when I think about mine not having anything to do with us.
Today is almost done and I am still standing, still doing, still moving forward...
Tomorrow is a new day and I look forward to what it may hold for me.
Have a great night all. (((Hugs)))
Serenity,
There you are, with our usual impeccable timing: "well, I'll give one more look to see if Serenity's around," before logging out.
You sound good.
I am glad.
Good night.
Hi All ~
I hope this finds you all well...
I haven't had a chance to check out anyones situational changes because I just needed a break this weekend...
I needed to be away from here for awhile to just think...
All is well here and didn't do much over the weekend...
I did go and watch a football game yesterday as well as Church today...
That's good to hear. It was quiet over here as well, got caught up on some old TV. Stayed away from here for the most part, but followed a few situations here and there.
Love Came Down: Perfect Time is this week's sermon at my church. You might enjoy it.
My oldest was riding his bike home from the mall yesterday and a car (driving with no lights) hit him...He is ok though - Shaken up but no injuries - Thank God...
He actually got up and went to Church with me this morning.....
That's good to hear. Take care of him, make sure that he ends up going to the hospital if anything seems to crop up.
My oldest was riding his bike home from the mall yesterday and a car (driving with no lights) hit him...He is ok though - Shaken up but no injuries - Thank God...
Yikes! How scary. Glad he wasn't hurt badly.
Serenity,
I am sorry to hear about what your mom said about your H. I am not diagnosing your husband, but PTSD is obviously common for veterans. My W was diagnosed with this and will not talk to a counselor about the event either. She just wants to sweep it under the rug even though she still gets flashbacks. This is common behavior. I don't know what you can do about it. But my IC did help me understand how that incident affected my W and her relationships with men. I use that understanding to help me forgive.
Take care,
-T
Tristan ~
I agree with what you stated, I also believe he has a form of PTSD as does my Psychiatrist (based on what I told her)however like your W he doesn't want to confront it and since I have learned I can't control him, there isn't anything I can do about it until he faces it head-on.
If I could wave my magic wand and make everything all better, I would however my wand is in the shop this week.
Trent ~
Thank you for the sermon - I will be sure to check it out tonight when I get home.
I am keeping a close eye on him and aside from limping a little bit last night, so far so good...
He was sore this morning when he got up but no limp...
No scratches and just a couple of bruises from where he jumped off the bike before any serious damage could be done to him.
Serenity, I agree you can't change him. Is there a support group for spouses of veterans with PTSD? Can you check with the VA?
It doesn't excuse his behavior but it would explain a lot.
You have a lot on your plate. Manage your energy, stay hydrated and prayed up.
Cheers
Coach ~
You just put into words what I was wondering about last night with this sentence...
It doesn't excuse his behavior but it would explain a lot.
I was actually sitting there thinking last night geez what kind of person am I for thinking it may be this when it could be that or vice versa...
I am not by any means a Dr. and just go by what I am told and when I first saw my Dr. after H admitted to the OW, once I gave her the specifics, she thought right then and there PTSD w/MLC thrown in there. (I am guessing for good measure? LOL...J/J - Need to keep my sense of humor)
I never thought to check with the VA, however you have given me something to do tomorrow morning when I get to work.
I have my individual Dr. as well as my Pastor, you guys here and my MIL so I know I am covered for myself...
I just feel like I am throwing him to the wolves to sit out there and figure it out for himself - My nature is to protect, comfort, care, be there, fix, love, show compassion, show empathy, be respectful, etc...
This is a complete 180 from what I have spent a lifetime learning and some days it does tweek my guilt button more often the not. (But I am learning)
Serenity,
I was catching up and was thinking the same thing Coach said. But in addition to a spousal support group for you, I'll bet the VA has an outreach program that would contact H, even telling him "it's a new routine thing their doing, etc.,"
But start with you, like Coach said.
Journaling ~ Long
Living with my family has taken a toll on my boys and I...
My little one has become bratty (lack of a better word), screaming, throwing things, cursing, hitting - Basically acting like a 2 year old have a temper tantrum.
Sleeping with him is interrupting my sleep however this is the best I have right now...
Since court my oldest has been much better, helping me with the little one, being respectful and kind, doing odd things around the house etc...
Neither of them like being parented by every adult in the house and I don't like it either - Never have and that isn't changing now.
If I am at work, that is understandable however if I am standing right there, back off.
That is my family for you though...
So with the new year and hopefully child support in place, my objective is to find a place to live as well as a car...
I have been trying to picture my life as a divorced single parent and while it does take my breath away at times, I know in my heart I can do it - I may not want to, however I can...
It has taken me almost 5 months to get to this place.
In the 5 months since he left, I have learned so much about myself and for that I am grateful...
I am also learning how to put back my soul one small piece at a time.
My faith is growing everyday...
I am thankful for the time I get with my boys now - Time H is missing however that is something he will have to come to terms with.
I have walked around trying like hell to do damage control for something I never asked for...
I have lied about him to our boys just so they don't think badly of him, lied to family and friends as well and for what? This isn't something I should feel guilty over.
Today I am laying down the guilt that seems to follow me around everywhere I go...
I am a good woman and I never deserved this - Our boys never deserved this however finally I realize, it isn't about me and it isn't about our children - He is the one with something broken in him and as long as he continues to run from the problem instead of facing it head-on, we will continue this cycle - That isn't fair to my boys - They need someone who is stable, loving, kind, fair and there for them - Like it or not, that someone is me.
Am I giving up on R - No - But it can't be my focus day in and day out...
I have twisted myself into something I am not just because of words he projected at me...
I have lost way to much weight in a very short amount of time, my hair used to be thick but started falling out and is now thinner then it has ever been, I am having my face break out which never happens and my (excuse me gentlemen) "friend" is here for the 3rd time in one month...
This isn't healthy for me nor my kids. I have allowed this to overshadow the important things in life - My health, my kids, my job etc...
My wish for the holiday season (besides my name) - That the new ones coming in daily heed the advice of the veterans - Don't think you can do it on your own because you can't...
I tried to help a newbie and I was so frustrated because no matter what I said they didn't want to hear it - They wanted validation for what they had already planned to do ahead of time and because of that I extend my apologies to the veterans who came to me in the beginning, the ones I blew off (you know who you are).
Once I thought this through, then and only then did I have a little bit of peace within.
I don't want to be bitter, I don't want to go through life angry and not smiling...
This is the beginning of a new day for me - A day to continue to look up, count and give thanks for my blessings, a day to move forward from the pain that has threatened to overtake me, a day to learn from the pain and then to release it, a day to take back my life and enjoy each and everything that comes my way.
((((Serenity))))
You sound like you are getting to a good place. I wish you well.
I have also decided to step back from my sitch. I find that it is very easy to become consumed by this DBing which is why GALing and getting out really is so important. The thought of repairing or restoring my M was the uppermost thought in my mind for the last year to the exclusion of everything else. It is just not a healthy way to live and it is not sustainable. I think we will all do much better when we achieve the necessary balance in our lives. I have spent the weekend formulating my game plan on how to do this and I am happy with what I have come up with.
I really hope that you will be able to get your own place in the new year. That will go a long way in helping you to feel that you are regaining control of your life.
Hugs!!!
Serenity, that was an outstanding post! I spent way too much time being consumed by my circumstances instead of striving to rise above them...you have your priorities in order and I am so glad you have made such amazing progress.
I am a good woman and I never deserved this - Our boys never deserved this however finally I realize, it isn't about me and it isn't about our children - He is the one with something broken in him and as long as he continues to run from the problem instead of facing it head-on, we will continue this cycle - That isn't fair to my boys - They need someone who is stable, loving, kind, fair and there for them - Like it or not, that someone is me.
Great quote. It deserved to be posted twice.
I agree, Tristin. It's a great quote. Very inspiring.
(((Kara)))
It seems like it has taken me forever to get here - Then again it feels like this just happened yesterday at times.
I still can't find any anger but I am pushing forward -
I don't like how out of the loop I have allowed myself to become however I have learned I am the only one how can fix that.
I also have spent some time formulating a game plan for myself and my boys. -
I need some type of stable balance, and I will be the one to provide this - No one else...
Nothing about this situation is healthy or normal or pleasent and I need to take the time for myself otherwise I am no good to my kids.
I wish you nothing but the best as well while you are formulating your plan
(((Hugs)))
Bobbi, Tristan & Sad...
(((Hugs))) to each of you and thank you all for your kind words...
I wish like hell I could feel this positive each and everyday however some days are worse then others...
I am trying to wake up each morning and be grateful for the blessings I have around me and not focus on all that has been lost.
Puppy ~
I was thinking of you last night - I see you on here day in and day out giving advice yet I don't see anyone ask how you are doing? How is your sitch going? Are you happy? Do you need anything?
I was driving into work today, popped in a CD, heard one of my favorite songs and again was thinking of you - Then I started (wailing lol) singing along and realized that the song is perfect for how I see you in my mind (must have been a sign)...
I do hope all is well with you...(((Hugs)))
Michael W. Smith
Straight To The Heart
When I'm down, when my soul's in need of rest
Come your words of comfort and of hope
I see your face always smiling back at me
A stream of light running straight to the heart
Child of God/Child of light
There'll be no more lonely nights
'Cause you have brightened up my life
There's a road that leads me to this place
A path of love running straight to the heart
Over the years I've learned one important
thing
It's that real friends shall never truly be
apart
You were there in my darkest time of need
With a hand reaching straight to the heart
Child of God/Child of light
There'll be no more lonely nights
'Cause you have brightened up my life
Take this gift it is all I have to give
A prayer of love forever straight to the
heart
A prayer of love forever straight to the
heart
FYI -
My H hasn't called to speak to our little one since Halloween night.
Little one asked me last night "Why doesn't Daddy want to see his Buggy (nickname) anymore?"
Needless to say I was without an answer
FYI -
My H hasn't called to speak to our little one since Halloween night.
Little one asked me last night "Why doesn't Daddy want to see his Buggy (nickname) anymore?"
Needless to say I was without an answer
(((Serenity)))
Now
that is heartbreaking. Give extra hugs to Buggy for me! (((((Buggy)))))
Part of what keeps me hanging on is that my H adores the boys. I feel sadness for your child, but real sadness for your H. He will
never get back this time with his children.
Ever read the "Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormy O'Martien? Hard to read sometimes because you can just be
so darn mad at your H. But what you'll find, is that by praying for them and really meaning it, you will develop compassion for them. You can't pray for someone and be mad.
Hats off to you because I would have a mouthful for H, if I were you.
bim
Another bump...
I came home tonight and found out from my oldest that apparently he and H have been talking behind my back and have already made plans for S to go live with H...
Betrayed once again behind my back and I am more hurt by this then anything...
At this point in time I am done. Done with it all. And I hurt just like day friggen one.
(((Serenity)))
Another bump...
I came home tonight and found out from my oldest that apparently he and H have been talking behind my back and have already made plans for S to go live with H...Betrayed once again behind my back and I am more hurt by this then anything...At this point in time I am done. Done with it all. And I hurt just like day friggen one.
I wouldn't necessary jump to considering it a betrayal. Possibly just expedience and hoping to get away with more crap from useless father than tough, loving mom.
He's seventeen, right? Two thoughts:
Could anything be done legally with his recent court stuff, requiring no major moves at this time, especially to a father who abandoned his family, took up with an other OW, won't be round as much to give him the supervision and accountability that this post-legal matter requires AND doesn't even speak to your youngest. Dump all
that in your lawyer's lap and see what he can come up with. You may be surprised and relieved.
Also, since he's seventeen: Have you thought about sitting him down (in a restaurant or something where he can't storm away) and speaking to him like an adult, acknowledging that both being 17 and being in this non-family situation sucks. Then tell him - woman to (young) man - and telling him in no uncertain terms what his father has done to you, your marriage, to S,17 and buggy and your family and
why. This is the role model you want to emulate? This is the environment you want to be immersed in? Tell me why you imagine that moving in with dad would be better for you and your growth as a person and a man.
Just thinkin.
Hang in there, friend. Even when you don't feel it, even when you thik you are going backwards. You are getting stronger
every day! Sometimes it's almost infinitesimal, some days it's powerful, some days you don't even know it's happening.
But it is.
((((S))))
Gardener ~
He is 14 and he knows exactly what his father is doing - He can't move until he is off probation however just the simple fact that the plans have been made for this summer (if S is off probation) just shows me that H has no intention of ever coming home.
He also knows Dad will allow him to do basically whatever he wants whenever he wants cause he always wants to be the good guy so that makes him cool.
Forget the facts - we have no house, no car, no monetary support from him, nothing emotionally, physically or mentally from him but he is the good guy and I am nothing but a POS doormat for everyone to walk over.
I am tired, so very tired and I cried tonight until I was physically sick and it just doesn't matter anymore. It is apparent that I am not as strong as I thought I was and I am never going to be good enough for him no matter what I do.
I don't want to live this life anymore.
Forget the facts - we have no house, no car, no monetary support from him, nothing emotionally, physically or mentally from him but he is the good guy and I am nothing but a POS doormat for everyone to walk over.
I am tired, so very tired and I cried tonight until I was physically sick and it just doesn't matter anymore. It is apparent that I am not as strong as I thought I was and I am never going to be good enough for him no matter what I do.
I don't want to live this life anymore.
I'm so sorry you've hit this point, Serenity. I wish I could offer you more than a shoulder to cry on.
Just take care of yourself right now. Get a good night's sleep. and worry about your husband and everything else later.
If I may make a suggestion; I'd listen to the sermons from the life of Job that I gave you earlier, especially "When Life Falls Apart" and "When Pain is Prolonged". I found those extremely comforting at times.
I am tired, so very tired and I cried tonight until I was physically sick and it just doesn't matter anymore. It is apparent that I am not as strong as I thought I was and I am never going to be good enough for him no matter what I do.
(((Serenity)))
You are stronger than you think. Even the strongest breakdown now and then.
And I think you have it backwards. H is not good enough for you.
Try to get some rest. You are emotionally exhausted right now. Tomorrow is another day.
Mo3
I just wanted to add that I will be praying for you.
Me too, 13.
(((Serenity)))
Puppy
Add me to the list.
You can handle it. Your kids need you to handle it. God will help you handle it.
Serenity,
Just checking in with you today to see how you are doing.
Mo3
((((((Serenity)))))))
praying for you
I am so sorry about your 'bump'. You will be in my thoughts and prayers daily...
Serenity, please let us know that we're okay. I'm concerned.
Puppy
Serenity,
I agree that you've got it backwards. H is not good enough for you.
Puppy ~
No worries my friend - I am not going "there", I just need to think...
My Dad said something last night to me after I had calmed down enough to actually utter a coherent word and explain to him why I was so upset - He thinks H only said that because S put him on the spot and H really has no intention of following thru.
After all you know, do you believe this to be true?
Should I not be so worried?
Just thinking about the H he has become "taking" care of our S is enough to make my skin crawl and I never thought I would utter those words about the man I married.
(((Hugs)))
It's certainly a plausible possibility. But it could also be as someone said above, tho -- more of a "14 year old being 14" than about "betrayal."
My S13, who I coach in baseball, and I fight like cats and dogs on the ballfield, and I take everything WAY too personally. OFF the field, we get along GREAT -- best buds. My wife always tells me, wisely, "Pup, he's only 13. Stop expecting him to think like a grown-up."
Women.
I'm glad you're okay.
Puppy
((((BIM)))) ((((Puppy)))) ((((O'dog))))
((((Gardener)))) ((((Coach))))
((((Trent)))) ((((Rocked))))
((((MO3)))) ((((Sam))))
To you all -
Thank you for your concern, your prayers, your kindness, for being here when I needed friends etc...
I am a little better today then last night but still very emotional...
I feel "raw" and just need to collect my thoughts...
Serenity,
May this give you strength, as it has for me:
He Will Carry You -- Scott Wesley Brown Puppy
Puppy ~
You made me
at work...
Thank you for this -
Right at a time when it is really needed...
He always knows just what is needed at just the right time and then sends just the right person to do it.
(((Hugs)))
3 things today ~
I received a letter from the child support enforcement today - Haven't read it yet since I am still at work but I have finally heard from them (will post later about contents).
I closed the family cell account (no notice to H either) and opened a new one for my S and I with a different provider. (It is one of his Christmas presents)
Was able to beat H to the bank today so I have some money. (finally)
All in all a better day then yesterday
Serenity,
1) Good for you
2) For you:
http://www.rhapsody.com/player?type=unde..._sample_controlA song to give you comfort for the future (Bright Morning Star) by my favorite singer-songwriter, Mary Chapin Carpenter. This site sells MP3s, so in the beginning, they often interrupt the song and ask you if you want to buy it. They give you the option of listening once for free. Click on that. I think all in all they give you 22 free plays.
No lyrics, but it's very clear.
Three songs on this CD (
The Calling) helped me through this long process:
1)
Closer and Closer Apart - Grieving (a heartbreaking song)
2)
Here I Am - DBing
3)
Bright Morning Star - Where I am now/Where I'm headed.
Serenity to you, Serenity.
no sad songs! lol that's the rule!
here's a good "Here I Am" song...by David Morales it was in movie "devil wears prada"
now that's a song to listen to
google lyrics - one of Luv's FAVORITE songs!
luvless,
No, no, no.
No sad songs for Serenity. I sent her a hopeful one: Bright Morning Star.
I also mentioned two others by the same artist that helped me in the beginning. One of those was sad.
But not Bright Morning Star. Bright Morning Star is where we are (she is) headed. Where we all will arrive at the end of our sitches
ok Gard
and yes...everything comes to an end
Thank you Gardener & Luv...
I haven't been on all weekend so I will check the songs out shortly Gardener -
Luv I will also check out the one you mentioned...
Had a nice weekend...Didn't really do anything other then hang out with the boys and then Church yesterday.
My family decorated for the holidays however my heart isn't in it so I just avoided that scene.
I have been thinking and realized that my H opened "that" door almost 9 months ago and now at this point in time, I am unsure if we can ever close it...
The CS letter was letting me know they needed oldest S birth certificate and since he was born out of this state, that will take some time which just extends the time when I need H to be financially forthcoming for his children.
I spoke to my MIL the other day and let her know I was thinking of hiring a lawyer after the new year (I have seen a lawyer just don't have one on hand)...
While she understands, she doesn't want me to make any rash decisions and she hates for me to think about going against my beliefs, however I am leaning towards the fact that I'd rather risk making some wrong decisions in life rather than making no decisions, living in limbo and expecting what somebody else does or doesn't do to determine the outcome of my life.
I am unsure if I can just move forward without filing - To me (regardless of what I believe), his actions show he is willing to leave things as they are just to continue to be the good guy.
I am still waiting for the strength within to let me know what I need to do - It will come and until it does, I will continue to take my baby steps out into the world.
no sad songs! lol that's the rule!
here's a good "Here I Am" song...by David Morales it was in movie "devil wears prada"
now that's a song to listen to
google lyrics - one of Luv's FAVORITE songs!
Crank up Lenny Kravitz - "Bring it On"
I'm gonna walk by faith
Gonna raise my sword
I'm gonna fight my battle
I'm gonna praise my Lord
It's getting heavy
But I'm ready
To take on this world and rock steady
So come on, bring it on
I'm gonna face my demons
Gonna tear them down
I'm gonna keep on moving
Gonna make my sound
It's getting heavy
But I'm ready
To take on this world and rock steady
So come on, bring it on
Bring it on
Oh bring it on
Bring it on
Oh bring it on
Bring it on
Oh bring it on
Bring it on
Oh bring it on...
My DB theme song and fun to play the drums on.
Good One Coach - Thank you
Well it happened - I received the blame from my oldest Son...
Told me his Dad doesn't like me and wouldn't be coming home and I needed a new job to pay for stuff since his Dad needed his money to pay his stuff and he shouldn't have to give me anything until we decide if we are divorcing...
Then and only then would he take sides -
Let him know I didn't want him to take either side and I would talk to him when he could speak to me respectfully, turned and walked away.
Looks like DBing works for all of our relationships.
Let him know I didn't want him to take either side and I would talk to him when he could speak to me respectfully, turned and walked away.
Looks like DBing works for all of our relationships.
That it does.
Told me his Dad doesn't like me and wouldn't be coming home and I needed a new job to pay for stuff since his Dad needed his money to pay his stuff and he shouldn't have to give me anything until we decide if we are divorcing...
This isn't a convo your H should be having with your son. Time for a BOUNDARY.
Coach ~
This isn't a convo H had with S (that I know of) - It is the "feeling" S gets from what has gone down.
He hates that H isn't paying anything but thinks H has his bills and we have our bills and basically we shouldn't have to do without because H is being a douche so I in turn should get a different job.
I set my boundary by changing cell providers as well as cancelling H cell service. I didn't inform H of my new number nor S's new number. I figure if he wants to get ahold of us he can call the house.
I am tired of paying for his affair to continue so I am trying to find ways to move forward without going against my beliefs as well.
Received an email from H almost 2 hours ago - All he said was "Making sure things are ok over there" Do I respond?
Crap - I can't believe 7 words from him still make me feel like crying and shake inside.
Delete it and move on. ((Serenity))
No, do not respond right now. Wait until much later to respond or do not respond at all.
Just my $0.02.
Mo3
Really? That isn't showing spite on my part?
Really? That isn't showing spite on my part?
Do you think he genuinely cares what's going on with you and your kids? Or is it just small talk?
I really don't know anymore since he hasn't made any attempt at contact since Halloween - Damn I feel torn
That isn't showing spite on my part?
No, not at all. As far as he knows, you are way too busy GALing to be checking your email.
What makes you think his question is genuine? Does he really want to know how you are doing or does he just want to make sure that you are sitting at home and not out doing fun things without him?
Sorry, that was kind of harsh.
Chin up. You will be okay.
(((Serenity)))
I really don't know anymore since he hasn't made any attempt at contact since Halloween - Damn I feel torn
Then maybe you can take a chance and reply to it; keep it polite and brief. Don't solicit a response.
I really don't know anymore since he hasn't made any attempt at contact since Halloween - Damn I feel torn
Hmm. Well, this changes my opinion. I agree with Trent. Reply to him, but in general terms. If he wants more info, then let him ask.
Ok give me an idea of what general terms means? Short and sweet - All is well kinda thing without giving anything away?
"The kids and I are doing well, given the circumstances."
Thank you Trent & MO3 for your quick responses
Glad to help.
Let us know how it goes.
I will but I am going to wait before I send a response since he sent it to my work email, I can always say I was busy.
Just seeing his name made my stomach drop and because it has been so long since he reached out, I don't want to eff up any opportunity given to me.
Just seeing his name made my stomach drop and because it has been so long since he reached out, I don't want to eff up any opportunity given to me.
Well, this is the goal of DB'ing, right? Change things around to try to bring the wayward spouse back?
I wish you luck and will be keeping you in my prayers...
Received an email from H almost 2 hours ago - All he said was "Making sure things are ok over there" Do I respond?
Crap - I can't believe 7 words from him still make me feel like crying and shake inside.
S13: "We're fine."
Thank you my friend. (((Hugs)))
My response 4 hours later -
All is fine, thank you and hope the same for you.
My response 4 hours later -
All is fine, thank you and hope the same for you.
Perfect!
Thank you Puppy...
I ask for the words from above and wouldn't respond until I felt it in my heart.
I ask for the words from above and wouldn't repond until I felt it in my heart.
Great approach.
Does this require a response (His response to my email)
I am alright. . . .if you need to get ahold of me my work cell is still the same. Give the kids a hug and kiss for me.
I don't think it does. You were polite, he was polite.
Let that happen a few more times and we'll see what develops.
Trent & Kara ~
Thank you both for weighing in...
I went with "Ok...Thank you" and not another word was uttered though they are there wanting to come out so bad...
I want to ask him if he is really ok...If he is taking his medicine...If he is eating properly...If work is good...If he is still with the FT...If he is ever coming home...If he still loves me...If he is proud of ignoring his children for the past month and a half...
However, deep inside - I already know the answers to all these questions...
So I stand (but not still) waiting for him to come to the answers on his own.
Geez I miss that man.
(((Serenity)))
I certainly can relate.
((((MO3))))
Sucky situation no doubt however I am starting to see the people chosen for this path, are some of the strongest people I have ever encountered...
While our WAS's are weak (at the moment), God has provided them with some wonderfully strong spouses.
Spouses who didn't know they had it in them, spouses that now have spines of steel and hearts expanded to forgive something most people find unforgivable.
Spouses who learn something new about themselves every step of this journey...
Regardless of the outcome in each of our situations, we are better because of this journey.
This is how I see us - All of us.
Serenity, Well said.
I would like to add that at some point the WAS will recognize this incredible strength and courage whether it be tomorrow or 10 years from now. They may never acknowledge it to the LBS, but at least we will be better individuals for having gone through this process.
((((Serenity))))
You are strong in faith and spirit. God bless you!!!
(((Kara)))
He already has in more ways then I can imagine and I hope the same for you my friend.
(((MO3)))
I agree with what you said...
It is sad something like this has to happen in order for us to take a good long look inward, however I for one am learning so much with this process.
Never in a million years did I ever think I would be thankful for something like this however I thank God every night for my situation...
I thank Him for the good as well as the bad -
The good shows me He is still right there and the bad shows me how faithful I really am...
It shows me how much I can trust Him to work on my H without me in the picture...
It shows me where I am doubting, fearing, worrying and then allows me to turn that over to Him as well.
S
great to see you growing as you are in the Lord and that your faith is being reinforced so much.
To Him be the glory.
T
Hi, Serenity. Just got in from a long day immediately followed by two-hour mediator session Time for a quick hello and good night an a quick stop at my thread.
See ya tomorrow.
(((())))
(((Tomato)))
(((Gardener)))
Thank you both for coming by and for your kind words.
Wish you both nothing but a great day filled with peace.
((((Serenity)))))
You seem to have such a great, healthy perspective right now. To be able to release these things to God and find some rest in that....not only is that what you need, but it shows such strength of character! You are an amazing woman!
I was just checking in and saying hi. I haven't been on here too much lately. Work has been a little crazy. We haven't had the best year. Manager says if we don't see some improvement in the next 6 months, "adjustments" will need to be made.
You seem to be doing well given your circumstances. Hope the CS comes through soon; I would find the bi-weekly race to the bank annoying.
Take care,
- Tristan
(((Rocked)))
Thank you so much for what you said - I have never looked at myself like that however it is wonderful feeling to have it pointed out.
(((Tristan)))
Always nice to see you and I have noticed you have been missing lately so I will catch up on your sitch and I hope all is well. CS hasn't kicked in yet so I am still making that run however hopefully soon that will be a thing of the past. I hope business improves for you quickly!
Need prayers for yet another bump in the road...
Received a phone call from my oldest S's principal today -
He received paperwork about my S being on probation and apparently (unbeknownst to me) it is against school policy to have a felon in the school and it calls for an automatic suspension (which the principal can overturn)...
I now have a meeting with him at 7:15am tomorrow to see what will happen to my child...
The principal has never overturned a suspension (his words) however he is "thinking of doing something he has never done before"...
I will let you know how it turns out but for those of you that do pray, please send one up with the hopes that the impending suspension will be overturned.
(((Hugs)))
Its just that I am not sure what to post now. My sitch has really settled down, so I don't have much to say about that. And I don't have the same wisdom as Puppy, Coach or some of the other experts on here on relationships. So I read a lot, but am really at a loss on what to say.
Oh well, I continue to pray for you and everyone else on here. It is good to hear from you.
You have my prayers, Serenity. I know you want this to turn a certain way, but please keep your heart open that God may have another way in mind. TRUST Him.
Puppy
My prayers are with you, Serenity.
Just sent up a prayer for you and S.
(((Serenity)))
I just prayed for you and your S,Serenity.
Serenity,
Give the principal all the facts, the marriage, the sep, the family stress, how the judicial system was firm with him in meting out appropriate punishment, your son's latching on to several good male role model/mentors and his very real need to maintain structure right now.
In other words, its all true, but pour it on.
Serenity,
Even though I've been a bit remiss with my long hours lately, it still doesn't feel right logging off at night before saying good night to Sweet Serenity
G'night and continued prayers and good thoughts your way.
First thanks to you all who sent up prayers....
A special thanks to Puppy for reminding me to pray for His will and not just what I think is right. You would think by now I would remember that.
Gardener - I took your advice as well and basically gave him the condensed version...
Could be that, could be the prayers however he did do something he has never done before and allowed my S to stay in the school he is in with the promise that my S would continue to be the good student he is.
The fact that he has never been in trouble in school, is (normally) on the honor roll, aces the FCAT (Florida based yearly test)and made the Who's Who for High School last year (even though he is in middle school) also played a part.
I am happy with the outcome because I know it is His will...I would have been ok with S at an alternative school however I wouldn't have been happy about it...
Now S has to walk a very thin line but I am pretty sure he has learned his lesson...He is slowly changing his ways...Has a new set of friends, comes to Church with me, is more helpful with the little one, around the house etc...
He has his moments but all in all he is getting better.
(((Hugs))) to you all.
Good news ((((Serenity))))
so glad to hear it!
GREAT news, Serenity!!
Puppy
Thank you (((Rocked)))
Thank you (((Puppy)))
Thank you (((Rocked)))
Thank you (((Puppy)))
And thank you for sticking up for me in that other thread. After I said my piece, I didn't feel like following up so I haven't read any responses on there except yours.
Trent ~
No thanks needed...
You are my friend and no one treats my friends like that in computer life or IRL...
Never have I been more mad then reading her response to you and Cutter and if I overstepped I apologize but it was so uncalled for.
(((Hugs)))
If I could find Robx, I would send him over there...She thinks you and Cutter were harsh? She hasn't even seen harsh until she crosses Rob's path. (and I mean that in a nice way)
Lol - Thanks Puppy
(((((Serenity))))
Glad to hear that things worked out well with the principal and your son. That must be a big relief to you. Have a great weekend.
((((Kara)))) You and I both, thank you...
I hope you have a wonderful weekend as well my friend.
And
once gain Puppy wins the coveted
Belly-Laugh Of The Day Award!
And what a waste of my time it was, as I took time away from my family at Christmastime, to give him a bunch of advice that he just summarily ignored.
I think I need a break from here . . .
And what a waste of my time it was, as I took time away from my family at Christmastime, to give him a bunch of advice that he just summarily ignored.
I think I need a break from here . . .
I'd say take the weekend off. I know I take an evening off now and again; there's only so much I can take of reading other peoples' situations before it starts getting to me.
Just watch the people you want to keep up with (like, say, SD) and go do something for yourself and the family.
Sad to say, but we'll all still be here...
And what a waste of my time it was, as I took time away from my family at Christmastime, to give him a bunch of advice that he just summarily ignored.
I think I need a break from here . . .
((((Puppy)))) I am sorry I asked you to go there.
Trent is right, take a few days off...
Hang with your family, do something fun -
Just don't forget about us due to someone not following your advice -
Maybe he will live and learn based on the reaction he received from his W...
I know you are frustrated right now and your tank is probably running on low but remember this -
There was a woman on here not to long ago who just wouldn't listen to your advice no matter what you said...
She got hurt and burned over and over again and then came back to you broken and ready to follow...
You 2 butted heads on more then one occasion however, never once did you give up on
me her...
((((Hugs))))
I know what it's like for the newbies to be all raw and hurting and reacting -- I did every wrong thing I could think of the first couple of weeks.
I'm thankful that I discovered DB and DR about the time my wife had her surgery; it gave us a break where I could get my act together.
I think I need to take sandi's list of things to do/not do and make a copy of it for myself. That should be the first thing posted to any new person's sitch.
I agree Trent - I actually carry a copy with me in my purse lol...
One of the first things I printed out and still refer back to on bad days.
I think it is the whole "counter-intuitive" that scares so many into doing what they "think" is right.
Yes I checked his FB this am and here is what is playing...Do I even dare to read into this?
Boston - A Man I'll Never Be
If I said what's on my mind
You'd turn and walk away
Disappearing way back in your dreams
It's so hard to be unkind
So easy just to say
That everything is just the way it seems
You look up at me
And somewhere in your mind you see
A man I'll never be
If only I could find a way
I'd feel like I'm the man you believe I am
And it gets harder every day for me
To hide behind this dream you see
A man I'll never be
I can't get any stronger
I can't climb any higher
You'll never know just how hard I've tried
Cry a little longer
And hold a little tighter
Emotions can't be satisfied
You look up at me
And somewhere in your mind you see
A man I'll never be
If only I could find a way
I'd feel like I'm the man you believe I am
And it gets harder every day for me
To hide behind this dream you see
A man I'll never be
I found this on a different website that I frequent so I thought I would share...
You left me cast into a pit of despair…
And so I learned to climb and found perseverance.
You left me in a cloud of deceit and confusion…
And so I learned to see and found truth.
You left me cowering and paralysed by the fear…
And so I learned to stand and found courage.
You left me without that which you thought I cherished most…
And so I learned to appreciate and found beauty and love.
You left me with everything fractured and crumbled…
And so I learned to build and found hope.
You left me beaten and broken…
And so I learned fortitude and found healing.
You left me a victim without options…
And so I learned responsibility and found empowerment.
You left me in chaos…
And so I learned control and found direction.
You left me without any means…
And so I learned assertiveness and found confidence.
You left me in the wrong…
And so I learned integrity and found dignity.
You left me with everything out of order…
And so I learned temperance and found balance.
You left me ruthlessly assaulted and despised…
And so I learned mercy and found compassion.
You left me with no time…
And so I learned patience and found peace.
You left me mocked and ashamed…
And so I learned humility and found growth.
You broke the trust, brother…
But you can trust me that you f****d with the wrong guy…
Because you left me lost and alone…
And that is exactly where I found myself.
wow.....
Yes I checked his FB this am and here is what is playing...Do I even dare to read into this?
Boston - A Man I'll Never Be
If I said what's on my mind
You'd turn and walk away
Disappearing way back in your dreams
It's so hard to be unkind
So easy just to say
That everything is just the way it seems
You look up at me
And somewhere in your mind you see
A man I'll never be
If only I could find a way
I'd feel like I'm the man you believe I am
And it gets harder every day for me
To hide behind this dream you see
A man I'll never be
I can't get any stronger
I can't climb any higher
You'll never know just how hard I've tried
Cry a little longer
And hold a little tighter
Emotions can't be satisfied
You look up at me
And somewhere in your mind you see
A man I'll never be
If only I could find a way
I'd feel like I'm the man you believe I am
And it gets harder every day for me
To hide behind this dream you see
A man I'll never be
I think a lot of men are afraid that their wives/woman would be scared off, confused, and turned off by the thoughts, doubts and fears that run thru our minds. We want to be seen as the providers, fixers, leaders and doers in our families. So when our negative thoughts (snakes on a brain) overrun us we struggle with how to cope. Asking for help and risk looking weak or uncapable is terrifying. How many men will ask for directions when we get lost driving? I think the PTSD is a real strong possibility and maybe he is trying to tell you something. That's my opinion.
Cheers
Thank you for your insight Coach....
I am starting to agree with that as well...
I just don't know what the message "may be" nor how to respond (or not respond) to it...
Could just be reading to much into a song as well...
I hate being confused
(((Hugs)))
Would you rather reach out because of love or hold back because you are confused?
Crisis = Risk + Opportunity
Pray, think and listen for counsel on this. Answers will start appearing.
I wrote down Sandi's list and keep it with me to refer to, very good stuff there.
Serenity,
Didn't catch up with your thread tonight. Will Do so tomorrow.
Am here now just for my nightly (last) fix of:
Good night ((((Serenity)))
Serenity,
Some food for thought that I posted over in The Prayer Circle:
Rick Warren: Be thankful even in tough times
(((Trent)))
I was just listening to the following song and then saw this post from you leading me to the prayer circle -
I dare anyone to tell me He doesn't send people to you at just the exact moment you need it -
Thank you my friend
Casting Crowns
"Praise You In This Storm"
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
Serenity,
I dare anyone to tell me He doesn't send people to you at just the exact moment you need it -
This song and the link to the prayer circle were exactly what I needed right now. It is truly amazing. I normally hang out in the MLC forum and decided to wander over to newcomers and saw these posts. Wow.
My very worry-filled morning is starting to lighten a bit.
(((Trusting))))
I came into work with a heavy heart after a long weekend and wasn't even going to come here today...
I found this song on youtube and I have never heard it before then I logged on here and saw where Trent sent me...
My heart is lighter now because of it and I am glad your worry filled morning is starting to lighten as well.
I for one am happy you ventured this way.
Me too.
I listened to the song on youtube and cried - I hadn't heard it before but the lyrics struck a cord (it is now on my playlist). I need to print out that post from the prayer circle too. I HAVE to stop worrying about tomorrow and just take it day by day. God provides. He always has, why wouldn't he now?
I hope your day gets better and your burdens lighten as well.
(((((hugs))))
Thank you Trusting...
I hope nothing but the same for you
I will be printing it out as well...Just to remind myself.
(((Hugs)))
Would you rather reach out because of love or hold back because you are confused?
No doubt the answer to that - Love
Pray, think and listen for counsel on this. Answers will start appearing.
Thank you Coach - This is the perfect advice so I won't do anything until I "know" the answer.
(((Hugs)))
Serenity that is one of my favorite songs! I have listened to it over and over since my sitch started. Thanks for sharing it. Such an encouragement!
Wow rocked - we are both married 19 with teens (i have 2S too and 1D) You got the bomb and hoping not to hear one but looks like it may be coming soon. This just plain sucks we have to go through this.
Puppy, Coach, Trent, Gardener, anyone...Some help please...
Here is something new...
I went to pick up my little one from school and as I was waiting, I received a phone call from my MIL...
She let me know that my BIL had heard from H as recent as last week.
BIL asked him how we all were doing and H implied that we are all just fine together as one big happy family...
No mention that we are S, no mention of the OW etc...
Seriously is he really that fogged out?
BIL does indeed know to an extent what is going on because well I am a firm believer in exposure and I did indeed hope that by exposing his affair, it would end (no such luck).
So they emailed back and forth for a few and H then contacted my SIL (she knows as well) and made some mention of OW's mother moving here (to the town they live in) and that him and OW (who moved in with her Mom) were no longer together - At least that is the impression she got...
So my quandry...
Of course I want them broken up beyond any repair...
If they are indeed no longer together, why didn't he come home?
Do I reach out to him, not letting him know I know but just to let him know I am still here?
Wouldn't that be pursuing?
Is he to be believed at this point?
To be honest my gut says no...
I feel he is still blowing smoke up whoever's butt will listen to him and he has that "good guy" complex which won't allow him to be seen as being the one who bailed without a glance back.
Do I believe him or do I trust my instincts?
(((Rocked)))
I have listened to it all day...Never has a song ment more to me then this one.
Do I believe him or do I trust my instincts?
How about getting the truth? Verify what is going on for real. Answers will start to appear.
"ASK" - Ask, seek and knock.
Thanks for coming Coach -
That is just it...
Since he has lied to me and about me, I got to the point where I don't know if he even knows how to tell the truth anymore...
That skeeve he is/was sleeping with won't tell me jack - The one and only time I tried to contact her, she took it straight to my H without a word back to me.
I can ask for the answers from Above and right there is where my instinct kicks in...
Because of Him, my gut hasn't been wrong yet and I just know if I start getting that cold wave of ick wash over me (which I did during this phone call), something isn't right, hence the reason I came here and posted before I did anything stupid.
(((Trent)))
I was just listening to the following song and then saw this post from you leading me to the prayer circle -
I dare anyone to tell me He doesn't send people to you at just the exact moment you need it -
Thank you my friend
Casting Crowns
"Praise You In This Storm"
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
That song was one of the four or five that really got me thru my sitch in the Summer of 2007. I LOVE that song!!!!
Puppy
All day Puppy
I have just kept hitting play over on youtube lol...
I need to add it to my play list now
You know (((Serenity))),
I learned that my "gut" was rarely wrong throughout my sitch, and still now. But, do take the time to try to verify whatever you can.
In the meantime, find your little pockets of peace in the storm and hang on for dear life. You are amazing! I think of you often and the strength you have shown again and again....
((((Rocked))))
Thank you for your kind words...
I will verify as I can but I don't want to outright ask him because quite frankly I don't know if I believe him or if he is just saying whatever to ease his own guilt.
I hear he has been putting out feelers to his family about going there for Christmas because he will be alone...
I wish he would realize it is his choice to be alone...
He knows he has a family that loves him and misses him very, very much and no matter what has happened, I would never want him be alone at Christmas.
Journaling~
Last night I had a great night...
I went to a dinner for the ladies at Church and while I was initially torn about going (because of my little one and how clingy he has become), I decided I needed to do this for myself and I am so glad I went.
Fellowship, food, gift exchanging, laughs all around and wonderful friends.
I have not been that relaxed since H left...
I spent about 3 hours just enjoying myself with no worries.
I checked on the boys before I went in and then promptly left my cares at the door.
I didn't let any portion of my situation cross my mind the whole time I was there and now I realize how much I needed that break...
I awoke this morning in a wonderful peaceful mood...
My little one was in a foul mood (I didn't get home before he went to bed) but I didn't allow it to affect my mood and he ended up being in a better mood by the time we went to school.
I spent a good amount of time in prayer last night and my feelings have been once again eased.
I "know" all will be just fine - That is the feeling I have today.
Thanks for coming Coach -
That is just it...
Since he has lied to me and about me, I got to the point where I don't know if he even knows how to tell the truth anymore...
That skeeve he is/was sleeping with won't tell me jack - The one and only time I tried to contact her, she took it straight to my H without a word back to me.
I can ask for the answers from Above and right there is where my instinct kicks in...
Because of Him, my gut hasn't been wrong yet and I just know if I start getting that cold wave of ick wash over me (which I did during this phone call), something isn't right, hence the reason I came here and posted before I did anything stupid.
Can someone go by his apt to see what's going on - male friend, BIL, pastor...????
Coach ~
I am sure I could do it myself...
He lives about an hour from here...
My BIL lives in a different state, he cut all ties with any friends/family he had the day he bailed and has never met my Pastor and I am unsure of who his Pastor is.
Maybe I just need to drive there and stake his place out?
Geez my life is becoming a bad episode of Jerry Springer haha
I don't think this is a job for you. I wiould try to find a third party to verify. Christmas day will be telling for him.
Then I will not do it myself and will figure out a way to verify with a third party.
The thought of him alone on Christmas just breaks my heart when in all reality, he just has to pick up a phone...
I still don't understand why he won't reach out to me but maybe it just isn't time yet.
New song on H FB...
Not sure if it is pertaining to me, to the OW or just in general...
I seriously need to stay off his FB
Third Day
"Tunnel"
I won't pretend to know what you're thinking
I can't begin to know what you're going through
I won't deny the pain that you're feeling
But I'm gonna try and give a little hope to you
Just remember what I've told you
There's so much you're living for
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
Shinin' bright at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you
So keep holdin' on
You've got your disappointments and sorrows
You ought to share the weight of that load with me
Then you will find that the light of tomorrow
Brings a new life for your eyes to see
So remember what I've told you
There's so much you're living for
What kind of gifts did your H used to give you?
How did he show love?
He wasn't romantic in the normal sense (ie: chocolates, flowers, jewelry etc...) but he would always find a way to show me he loved me...
Could be a trip to the store at 4am (before I got up) because I was out of coffee (no he doesn't drink it, he just paid attention) or he would bring home dinner after us both working all day...
He would keep the kids so I could have a break...
He would always pay attention if I admired something or said I needed something and then would get it and have of the boys give it to me "just because"...
He always got me the most romantic cards he could find no matter the holiday (except Valentine's Day since I don't like that holiday) and would write fantastic things in them.
He would call me every day just to say hi or see how my day was going or just to say I love you.
He would give me the spot in the garage, no matter the weather even though he normally left after me.
He made me hot cocoa every night.
We never let a day go by without expressing our love whether he was home or away.
We never went to bed angry.
He (mostly) kept up with my very high sex-drive though when he was tired, I understood and never made him feel bad for it.
He always had the laundry done when I would come home on Wednesdays as well as sweeping & mopping of the floors.
He always high-fived me when he walked by if I was on the couch.
He was the best Father, Husband, Friend anyone could have ever asked for and regardless of the inner turmoil I had going on, I still thanked God for him each and every night.
He never made me feel unloved and always went out of his way to show me how much he loved me - By actions, not "stuff".
He has been my best friend for 21 years and I can't help but think he is hurting and trying to reach out however I don't know who he is reaching out to.
Journaling~
Tonight was my night to feed the homeless at Church...
It is raining and icky out however we had quite a few show up....
Once all was dished out and cleaned up, I went into the Sanctuary to pray...
I walked in and it was completely dark, not a sound could be heard...
I left the light off and closed off the door between where I was and the actual Church...
I knelt at the Alter and just went with what has been on my heart, mainly the things Coach has been helping me out with these past few days...
I prayed my Thanks and also my confusion, I asked some questions so I need to wait on the answers, I finished and was utterly calm from deep down in my soul...
I was so calm I could actually feel it moving within me, from the bottom of my feet to the very top of my head...
In that moment I had no fear, no worry, no doubt...Just peace.
I almost skipped out of there I was so joyful, there was no defining moment for my joy other then the calm...
I wish I could bottle that peace up and drink it in when a bad day happens...
I wish everyone could go to their Church and kneel at the Alter and pray in darkness and silence, just you & God.
The silence is just what I needed to "hear" what was being said to me.
(((Hugs))) to you all.
Amen
Serenity,
I'd just like to add that you make sure H knows there's a "welcome mat" for him when he's ready to come home.
I think sometimes the WAS believes there's too much damage done to be able to come back....
(((Trent)))
It's interesting to note that there are 365 verses in the Bible that say, "Fear not." God provided us with one 'fear not' message for every day of the year! Do you think God is saying, "Get the message. Don't be afraid!"
I never knew this and I am so happy to have it pointed out to me...
I am going to have to take the time to put together those 365 verses and then print them out and keep them handy.
(((Tulsa)))
Always nice to see someone new on my thread so welcome.
There is a welcome mat however I am no longer his doormat...
Based on the past 21 years, I know his MO -
He would most likely come home and want it swept under the rug.
Because of his MO, I am no longer that person....
I am new and improved...
I no longer want "that" marriage and I will not settle for 95% of him.
I am strong enough to hold my own and I no longer require him to satisfy my happiness...
Just because he decides that he wants to work it out and throws out an apology, doesn't mean he gets to walk right back through my door.
The damage & destruction that he has left behind can't be swept under the rug.
The day he walked out is the day I became in control of the situation, he just doesn't know it yet.
Just because he decides that he wants to work it out and throws out an apology, doesn't mean he gets to walk right back through my door.
Amen to that!
Thank you for that Soleil
(((Hugs)))
Oh, you are sounding good Serenity. How are you?
Yes, the first thing God says in many situations in the Bible is "Fear Not". Yet we fear. Someone once said to me, if you were in a cage with two lions and Jesus was in the cage with you and said Fear Not, would you fear? Probably. Even though he is IN THE CAGE next to you? Probably. Well, he is next to us all the time and still we fear. Fear is just a feeling. It passes.
My sitch seems to have taken a turn for the worst but I wlll try my best not to fear but to TRUST that God is leading me where I need to be. Honestly, I think it is more pain than fear that gets to me these days...
Just musing on your thread....
Hi, Serenity. Just dropping by again
.
Last few posts reminded me of something I heard in church last weekend. Sermon mentioned how joy is something that God wants for us - it's just whether we want it for ourselves. Even in the grim times of Zapaniah, there is an encouragement of this. People often talk of the Old Testament God and the New Testament one. It was pointed out they're the same God. There is no "angry" God, not the way people paint it. We do it because God gives us choices to make, and despite conscience, intelligence, and all our other gifts, we inevitably will make choices we know to be wrong. And thus, it makes it easier to blame a vengeful, demanding, angry God for the consequences rather than look in the mirror.
It has such similarities to the WAS / LBS dynamic it stuck in my mind.
Hi, Serenity. Just dropping by again
.
Last few posts reminded me of something I heard in church last weekend. Sermon mentioned how joy is something that God wants for us - it's just whether we want it for ourselves. Even in the grim times of Zapaniah, there is an encouragement of this. People often talk of the Old Testament God and the New Testament one. It was pointed out they're the same God. There is no "angry" God, not the way people paint it. We do it because God gives us choices to make, and despite conscience, intelligence, and all our other gifts, we inevitably will make choices we know to be wrong. And thus, it makes it easier to blame a vengeful, demanding, angry God for the consequences rather than look in the mirror.
It has such similarities to the WAS / LBS dynamic it stuck in my mind.
Interesting point. The difference between Old and New is that God provided a solution on how to get back to him. The "soulution" is a choice and journey we must walk.
ps 'soulution' was a typo, but I like it.
ps 'soulution' was a typo, but I like it.
Love it!
Hi Kara...
Muse away.
I am very well thank you for asking, and I hope the same for you.
The darker days are slowing becoming days filled with peace and smiles...
As long as I don't allow my mind to wander for the most part I am good.
The holidays are proving to be harder then I thought...
The fear isn't driving me like it used to but it still comes in waves and on those days, I just pray harder and allow myself to ride the wave out.
Coach ~ I love the "soulution"
Deep ~
Always nice to see you
I loved what you posted because it made me stop and think for awhile.
I do agree with what you said about the dynamic of the LBS/WAS -
Once I reread what you were saying, it made complete sense.
I hope you have a wonderful day!
I hope to be where you are soon!
(((Luvless)))
It wasn't any easy road to travel down however once I realized that I didn't want to live like that, things started to change.
I wasn't there for my kids, my job, nothing - I was just existing, on most days I felt like I was one step away from suicide and along with prayer, therapy, counseling from my Pastor and (with an enormous amount of patience) Puppy, only then was I able to get to this place.
I posted here but didn't follow advice...
I read into each word he spoke & each move he made.
I ended up getting hurt over and over and over again.
Once I took in what was being told to me, the dynamics within me started to change.
I refused to own my H's affair period.
He had numerous other alternatives at his disposal if he was truly that unhappy.
The one he chose was the most destructive, detrimental & cowardly one possible.
The example he set for my sons has been a very hard thing for me to rid them of and the behavior he has displayed has been very heartbreaking to them and to me.
While I still want my marriage to work out and I still love my H more then words can say, in the end, I now know either way, I will be just fine.
While I still want my marriage to work out and I still love my H more then words can say, in the end, I now know either way, I will be just fine.
Yes, you will my friend, yes you will.
The longer I have followed the thread, the more convinced I am of that. You are an amazing, strong woman and I admire you.
Rocked
((((Rocked))))
The feeling is mutual my friend...Don't ever forget that
(((Cutter)))
First thank you for the plan A & B you posted...I need to really read over it later when the little one goes to bed.
Second thank you for answering the questions I posed to you.
Third you are always welcome...Don't except a bunch of sun though - It has rained for the last 4 days and it is cold (well cold to us - 47 degrees)...Should be warming up once the rain moves away though
(((Luvless)))
It wasn't any easy road to travel down however once I realized that I didn't want to live like that, things started to change.
I wasn't there for my kids, my job, nothing - I was just existing, on most days I felt like I was one step away from suicide and along with prayer, therapy, counseling from my Pastor and (with an enormous amount of patience) Puppy, only then was I able to get to this place.
I posted here but didn't follow advice...
I read into each word he spoke & each move he made.
I ended up getting hurt over and over and over again.
Once I took in what was being told to me, the dynamics within me started to change.
I refused to own my H's affair period.
He had numerous other alternatives at his disposal if he was truly that unhappy.
The one he chose was the most destructive, detrimental & cowardly one possible.
The example he set for my sons has been a very hard thing for me to rid them of and the behavior he has displayed has been very heartbreaking to them and to me.
While I still want my marriage to work out and I still love my H more then words can say, in the end, I now know either way, I will be just fine.
This gives me hope even though I feel at my lowest right now. I know this will end and I will be ok too. It's so hard to see but I know it's there.
(((Luvless)))
My friend it is there...
I am not good at 2x4's though sometimes that is what we really need at that moment so I would defer Puppy to you for that.
Some days I am so low I don't want to get out of bed however to give in to that would allow him to "win" -
I don't mean that in a competition way, I mean that in a way that I won't allow his actions to affect me and my moods...
I choose to get up and get moving with a smile on my face -
Sometimes it is an act however by the end of the day it has taken over.
I want my boys to see that just because adversity is happening doesn't mean you have to give in to it.
Ya know....I wonder what this shows my sons (they are older) when their dad walks away. I've got good teens..don't want them to go wayward.
Today is just another bad day for me but I find comfort in reading other's uplifting posts.
Thanks S - hugz from Luv.
(((Luv)))
I have 2 boys - One is 14 and one is 6...
I wonder what they actually think as well and I try to encourage them to open up and talk to me whenever it is bothering them...
The 6 year old does that more often then the oldest one.
They act out their anger in different ways but it is still there...
I wonder how my decision to fight for my marriage will affect them in the long run as well...
A part of me hopes they realize that you fight for what you believe in no matter what.
A part of me hopes that they see what unconditional love truly is...
A part of me wants them to see the pain that life can bring as well as you moving forward through that pain without giving up..
A part of me hopes they grow up, get married and remembers how you treat your spouse based on my actions and not H's.
All of me hopes they never find the actions of their father acceptable.
Advice needed asap ~
Just received an email from H demanding to know why I took money out of "his" check this morning -
If you are new and don't know the story I am sorry I don't have time to answer right now...
For those of you that know the hell I go through every 2 weeks I would appreciate some insight on what to say (or not say) please.
H,
You are still under legal financial obligation to your family. If you'd prefer, we could proceed with a S or D and let the courts decide what your specific financial obligations are. Let me know, and I will retain council.
Serenity
For those of you that know the hell I go through every 2 weeks I would appreciate some insight on what to say (or not say) please.
Say nothing, he can figure it out. He will get nasty no matter which route you take. You have done nothing wrong. It's a consequence of his behavior.
Answer in a day or two when he calms down.
Two opposite responses and I thank you SDF as well as Coach...
SDF - Your response would probably be the most logical one to take however I admit I am scared of the response that comes from that. I don't want a divorce and I am not sure I am ready to push him into it (we are already separated).
Coach - Your response was the same one I felt when I received his email. He is mad I know because I took out more then I normally do though still less then 1/2.
I am going to sit on this for a day or two and then I may or may not respond. That "feels" right.
I am going to sit on this for a day or two and then I may or may not respond. That "feels" right.
That sounds like a good plan.
Sorry, nothing inspirational from Rick Warren or Dr. Gary Chapman today...
No worries Trent -
Having you here is good enough for me
Aw, that's sweet!
I like posting stuff from outside the forums to the MWD Twitter thread or the Prayer Circle -- it helps to keep new and interesting ideas and opinions coming in...
You should not be going through this every two weeks. Stand up for your rights.
Sing it Bob...
Get up, stand up! (jah, jah! )
Stand up for your rights! (oh-hoo! )
Get up, stand up! (get up, stand up! )
Don't give up the fight! (life is your right! )
Get up, stand up! (so we can't give up the fight! )
Stand up for your rights! (lord, lord! )
Get up, stand up! (keep on struggling on! )
Don't give up the fight! (yeah! )
...
LOL...O'Dog -
Thanks for the song -
I have filed for CS however my state is very slow in enforcing it for some reason.
Until that kicks in, I have to do this every 2 weeks.
Just got email number 2 asking once again if I took money from "his" check - I responded this time with a simple "Yes I did" no more, no less.
(((Serenity)))
I am at a loss for words. No matter what he should be providing for his children. My prayers are with you....
((((Kara))))
Thank you my friend...Mine are with you as well.
Ok a new day , a new email stating the following (Does it even require a response?)
"would be nice to know ahead of time because I have to get my meds and have a dr appt that I have to pay a co-pay."
The only response I want to throw out there would be "It would have been nice to know ahead of time that you were going to abandon your wife and kids, stick it in that FT, wake up one day to become the most selfish douche I have ever known, then turn around and ignore your kids for weeks at a time and whine and moan about lack of money."
Doesn't matter, I don't have it in me to respond like that anyway - It is petty and hateful.
(((Serenity)))
I thought your response was an appropriate way to feel. It is okay to feel angry. I don't think his email requires a response. But it is certainly okay to vent here.
Mo3
I responded by letting him know I took a little more to help with Christmas for the boys and then added that he was welcome to come over for Christmas...
Could be the fact that I just got home from Church however it "felt" like the right response.
Regardless of his decision, I know in my heart it was the best thing to do so I am happy with my decision -
Only took me 5 days to make it
Christmas party tonight - Part of my GAL...
(((Hugs))) to you all...Be safe!
Just got to work and have the following email waiting for me....Now WTH do I do?
"Oldest S wants to come spend a couple of days with me after Christmas. I talked to his JPO and she said that won’t be a problem. If all is good with you I would like to pick him up Dec 29th and bring him back on the 1st. I don’t think younger S would understand the whole thing and I don’t want to upset him."
Just been approved for food stamps and now my life is officially s**t
((((Serenity)))))
No, your life is not s**t!
You are an amazing, strong woman dealing with an unbelievably difficult circumstance with grace and dignity and faith! Your boys have a role model in their mother that they can always look to for overcoming challenges in their lives. You can get through this. I am praying for you that this Christmas will be filled with blessings!
About your son's visit to his dad... I don't know there is much you can do about that. I think you need to keep your lines of communication open with your S before and after the visit so that you can deal with anything that comes out of it in a healthy way.
Have you talked with your S about why he wants to go, his current feelings towards his dad, etc.?
Being approved for food stamps does not make your life sh*t. It allows you to have food and nutrition for you and your children. It means you are strong enough to accept help with grace and gratitude knowing one day you will be able to pay that same help forward.
I have been following your thread and I just wanted to offer you a bit of support.
((((Rocked))))
I appreciate your kind words more then you will ever know...I have been in tears all morning since H sent me that email. How in the hell do I tell my little one his Dad doesn't want to see him?
Have you talked with your S about why he wants to go, his current feelings towards his dad, etc
They planned this behind my back as usual. I am glad I am at work and not around either of them. S wants to live with his Dad because I "parent" to much (his words not mine) and his Dad doesn't parent enough (my words).
I don't care that he has a relationship with his boys, I care he is picking and choosing to see one over the other. I care that my little one is going to inevitably have his heart crushed and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I care that my H may flaunt his mistress around my S and that he doesn't see anything wrong with it.
Today I want a divorce and I never want to see him again.
(((CityGirl)))
It means you are strong enough to accept help with grace and gratitude knowing one day you will be able to pay that same help forward
And that releases the tears straight down my face.
I don't look at things that way though maybe I need to change my way of thinking otherwise pride will one day be my downfall.
Thank you City.
Hi Serenity,
I can understand your pain for how this will affect your youngest son. As he gets older hopefully he will be able to come to terms (like you have had to) that his dad's choices are about his dad, not him. Love that little guy up with all the extra love you can give!
About your older son, I have teens so I can understand your frustrations. They are self absorbed at this age and if they see a chance to use a situation to their advantage they often do. There might not be much you can do about that but you can sure keep those line of communication open with your older S.
I can understand you feeling "done" today. I struggle with those feelings and I am "piecing"!
You are in my prayers today my friend. Hugs and blessings to you!
Rocked
Question...
I have been thinking about the crappy email H sent this am...Would it be acceptable for me to answer as follows?
Dear H,
I don't condone this behavior from you. If you want to spend time with the oldest one, you have to spend time with the youngest one as well. As long as the OW is living in your place or visiting daily, neither of our sons are allowed over there.
I don't want her anywhere near our children, not based on what you & her have done but based on the fact that I don't want them to think it is ok to act like this when you are still married.
You may visit them at a public place or at my parents house.
Serenity
Thoughts?
((((Rocked))))
Thank you for that...Someone told me today that my S acted like this because I was the "safe" parent - The one who was there when the other walked away - Makes sense....
Now I still need to set this boundary and am at a loss to do so -
Any help would be appreciated - I haven't seen Puppy for days and I want to do this the right way.
Now I still need to set this boundary and am at a loss to do so -
I feel _____________________________.
When you do _____________________________________ (Behavior).
If you do ___________________________________________.
Then I will _________________________________ (consequence).
If you continue to do _________________ then the next step will be _______________________ (major consequence).
Coach - How is this?
I feel __hurt & angry___________________________.
When you __choose to see one of our sons' and not the other___________________________________ (Behavior).
If you do ___decide to go through with seeing the older S and not the younger S________________________________________.
Then I will ___ban them both from your house and you will only see them here at my house or in a public place.______________________________ (consequence).
If you continue to __pick one over the other_______________ then the next step will be _____custody arrangements filed in court__________________ (major consequence).
Coach - How is this?
I feel __hurt & angry___________________________. Good
When you __choose to see one of our sons' and not the other___________________________________ (Behavior). Good
If you do ___decide to go through with seeing the older S and not the younger S________________________________________.
Then I will ___ban them both from your house and you will only see them here at my house or in a public place.______________________________ (consequence). Ban is too harsh and sounds controlling. As their Father both the boys need to spend time with you. Letting the boys around your mistress is disrespectful to them, me and reflects poorly on you as a man and Father. If you won't agree to to keeping them away from her then I cannot condone them spending time with you.
If you continue to __pick one over the other_______________ then the next step will be _____custody arrangements filed in court__________________ (major consequence). Nice
You have to play hardball now. Can you handle it?
Coach ~
I have no choice
This one sentence brought me to tears once again.
I will send the email now - Thank you Coach. (((Hugs)))
Quick question - Not allow them over there - Is that as bad as ban?
As far as I see it not to allow them over there is in effect a ban but it sounds a lot softer. The rationale behind them not being allowed there is that their parents are still M and it sets a bad example to see their father with another woman. He may think that nothing is wrong but teens/children are impressionable and simply have been through enough already. Yes, he needs to spend time with them but in a proper environment.
About the food stamps...this is just another thing you will be able to look BACK on and note how far you have come. One day YOU may be helping someone and telling them that you made it!
You can handle it. And our prayers are with you...
(((Kara)))
Well crap - I was looking for a consequence but don't want to come across as controlling...Keeping them from his place would be ideal but I don't want to be a harsh b***h about it either...I want to be firm yet loving.
How about...
If you do ___decide to go through with seeing the older S and not the younger S________________________________________.
Then I will ___have to refrain from letting them come to your house however you will still be able to see them here at my house or in a public place.______________________________ (consequence).
About the food stamps...this is just another thing you will be able to look BACK on and note how far you have come. One day YOU may be helping someone and telling them that you made it!
The FS still make me queasy but I know it is for my boys so for them I would sell a body part and as I keep telling myself "This is temporary"
I don't think that you come accross as controlling or harsh at all. But I would ask one of the guys to chime in to see how it sounds from a man's perspective...
How about
I am happy that you want to spend time with S____.S ______also misses you and will feel devastated if you only see S _______. Then continue as you set out above.
Just a thought. Let's see how the others feel.....
Thanks Kara (((Hugs)))
Alright Gentlemen -
Give me your best shot (but be nice please) on this boundary setting email -
Remember as Coach stated I have to play hardball now so I don't want to come across as weak.
Serenity,
Hi. Been off the forum basically for a while now (except last night a bit) and am catching up a little.
How are you?
Food stamps? Pffttt!!
That's what they're there for. Hey, a temporary assist, ain't no problem with that. Think of how many places and people we go to for temporary emotional, spiritual, physical, financial assists: friends, pastors, counselors, doctors, DB forum, etc.
You hold your head up high, Mama Bear!
I understand though. I'm sure I'd feel bad about it myself, at first...
Until somebody who cared about me came along and said,
"Food stamps? Pfffttt!!"
(((Gardener)))
I am thrilled to see you back online -
I hope work is going wonderfully for you!
I did feel horribly this morning -
The email from H, the FS, the crap from older S this past weekend -
Satan is out and about my friend that is for sure.
You are all correct about the FS however I will say this, I have never been more humbled in my life!
Now as a man -
I need your opinion on my boundary email -
I have to send it later on and I can't get the wording right without coming across as controlling and bitter...
Trying to come across as loving but detached.
Coach Bless him has been a great help in the form letter he gave me but the consequence portion isn't coming out right.
I would flag down Puppy however he is MIA for now and I know he needed a break badly.
Going to check out your sitch and see what you have been up to.
Alright Gentlemen -
Give me your best shot (but be nice please) on this boundary setting email -
Remember as Coach stated I have to play hardball now so I don't want to come across as weak.
Not using boundary-setting wording, here, but my take:
1)While they are minors and in my care, they would not be going to stay with H and
OW,
ever.
2)I would insist he see them as a "package deal" or not at all, for now. Until
I'm satisfied that they are receiving equal attention from their father and one is no longer being purposefully slighted and hurt. Period.
3)No discussions about visiting are to be had with S without discussing with me first.
Oh, my. I was supposed to help, but I think I just gave you two more to write, instead.
Here is what I have...Feel free to chime in on what needs to be changed since I won't be sending it until tomorrow.
Dear H,
Until I'm satisfied that both boys are receiving equal attention from you and one is no longer being purposefully slighted and hurt, I don't feel comfortable with this arrangment.
I feel hurt and angry when you chose to see C over N. While I wouldn't keep either from you, you need to know that N also misses you and will feel devastated if you only see C.
As their Father both the boys need to spend time with you. You know how I feel about the boys being around M (OW) and letting the boys around your mistress is disrespectful to them, me and reflects poorly on you as a man and Father.
If you won't agree to to keeping them away from her then I cannot condone them spending time with you.
In the future, I would appreciate you talking to me and not C about him visiting you.
If you continue to pick C over N, then the next step will be custody arrangements filed in court.
Serenity
Gardener...As you can see, you helped a lot
Thank you my friend...(((Hugs)))
Serenity,
Tweaking.
Dear H,
As their mother, I feel hurt and angry when you chose to see C over N. If you do not spend time with them equally, I will limit the time you spend with them. If you continue to slight N - which hurts him deeply - I will stop all visits until this matter is settled to my satisfaction, with the assistance of Social Services or through legal custody action.
In addition, exposing the boys to your mistress is hurtful and confusing to them and is completely unacceptable. If you will not spend your time with them both alone, I will take the same steps laid out above.
All visiting arrangements will be made by you and me alone or not at all. I will not allow arrangements to be made solely between you and N.
Serenity
Gardner! Where ya been???! Good to see you around! You have so much to offer.
Cheers ~
Greek
Gardner! Where ya been???! Good to see you around! You have so much to offer.
Cheers ~
Greek
Hi Greek,
I've been busy with my winter gig. And very tired.
Thanks for the compliment. I didn't have much - or enough - to offer my own sitch, unfortunately.
Our D was supposed to be the day after tomorrow. I won't go into here at Serenity's place, though she's got enough to deal with
It's in my last couple of posts.
Merry Christmas to you and Coach, you success story, you two!
OK I have combined my letter (Thanks for your help Coach) with Gardener's...I felt mine may have been to mean and his way a little to nice...Please let me know what y'all think.
Dear H,
Until I'm satisfied that both boys are receiving equal attention from you and one is no longer being purposefully slighted and hurt, I don't feel comfortable with this arrangment.
As their Mother, I feel hurt and angry when you chose to see C over N. While I wouldn't keep either from you, you need to know that N also misses you and will feel devastated if you only see C.
As their Father both the boys need to spend time alone with you. Exposing the boys to your mistress is hurtful and confusing to them and is completely unacceptable. It is disrespectful to them, me and reflects poorly on you as a man and Father.
If you won't agree to to keeping them away from her then I cannot condone them spending time with you.
If you continue to slight N - which hurts him deeply - I will stop all visits until this matter is settled to my satisfaction, with the assistance of Social Services or through legal custody action.
All visiting arrangements will be made by you and me alone or not at all. I will not allow arrangements to be made solely between you and C.
Serenity
Sounds great Serenity. You do have a choice in how you handle things. Knowing that is empowering.
Only word to consider is "devastated." To me that's when a true catastrophy happens.
As their Mother, I feel hurt and angry when you chose to see C over N. While I wouldn't keep either from you, you need to know that N also misses you and will feel devastated if you only see C.
Maybe - hurt, dissappointed, upset, confused etc.
you are doing great.
PS In case you didn't know Puppy is also Santa Claus. He'll be back in a week.
Coach - As always - Thank you for coming and sharing your wisdom...I am happy to hear Puppy will be back - I miss him bunches...I hope all is well with him...I have revised it one more time (hopefully the last time) and then have to take a deep breath and hit the send button. (((Hugs)))
Dear H,
Until I'm satisfied that both boys are receiving equal attention from you and one is no longer being purposefully slighted and hurt, I don't feel comfortable with this arrangment.
As their Mother, I feel hurt and angry when you chose to see C over N. While I wouldn't keep either from you, you need to know that N also misses you and will feel confused if you only see C.
As their Father both the boys need to spend time alone with you. Exposing the boys to your mistress is hurtful and confusing to them and is completely unacceptable. It is disrespectful to them, me and reflects poorly on you as a man and Father.
If you won't agree to to keeping them away from her then I cannot condone them spending time with you.
If you continue to slight N - which hurts him deeply - I will stop all visits until this matter is settled to my satisfaction, with the assistance of Social Services or through legal custody action.
All visiting arrangements will be made by you and me alone or not at all. I will not allow arrangements to be made solely between you and C.
Serenity
That's a great response - loving to the boys, yourself and your husband. He will respect you taking a stand, he might not ever tell you but I promise he will respect your strength.
Cheers
(((Serenity)))
I hope that hits some parts of your H - maybe reminding him what a wonderful woman he has for a wife, and his own role as a father.
Puppy is ALSO Santa Claus? Size difference between that and Yoda seems a tad extreme ...
Coach -
As a man, I appreciate the response you gave me, I also am touched by your promise. I am sorry this took almost 24 hours to get together and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your help drafting this...You are a complete gem and we are lucky to have your wisdom and kindness on this board.
(((Hugs)))
(((Deep)))
Thank you for your kind words...
I hope it hits part of him as well however I mostly want him to realize he doesn't get to pick and choose which child he parents.
I am thinking Puppy can be Yoda dressed as Santa
*Queasy*....
The send button has been pushed....
Thanks to you all who helped me compose this email...
Coach, Kara and Gardener...
I could never have done this all by myself. (((Hugs)))
I received a response -
If it's ok with you, I will take C on the 29th and make arrangements to spend time with N another date. I am not negating N, I just don't want to confuse him any more. I love both boys the same. I am not playing favorites in any manner. I didn't arrange anything with C, I asked him if he would like to come over and then sent you an email. I am not gonna get into the social services or custody thing with you. I will merely say that with C's grades, school attendance, lack of parental supervision and legal trouble being on probation. . . .I don't think a judge is going to side with you. I told you from the beginning that I would not fight you for them. . .so don't bring that crap up or I will ask for full custody. Is the 29th good with you?
He's baiting you and projecting onto you. Don't respond right now, I'm sure you are PO'd (I am.)
Remember this is hardball. He left his family, he hasn't been financially supporting you and hasn't been seeeing the kids. He has no idea how bad this will look in front of a judge. He loses across the board if he starts to fight and he knows it. He's trying to bully you.
I have some ideas just get to a place of calm first.
Coach...
I can't respond right now because it would all be based on emotion....
WTH does he think he is?
What Coach said ^^^^^^^
Take a breath. Count to 10. Step away. Do whatever it takes to reach that calm.
(((Serenity)))
I did put in a call to S's PO and informed her that S would be unsupervised for 2 of the days if he is allowed to go there...
She stated H needs to call her asap because unsupervised is a no-no while on probation.
I am strangely calm right at this moment.
Coach ~
I'm ready and I am calm I promise.
"I have decided I will not allow my boys to be exposed to your mistress while we are still married. As soon as you address this then I will be willing to listen."
You can't budge on this point. It's wrong - you know it and he knows it.
You are at the point where you need to consider legal counsel. Custody, finances and the brutal reality need to be addressed by both of you.
Don't say anything about the PO remarks right now.
Just this goes to him...
"I have decided I will not allow my boys to be exposed to your mistress while we are still married. As soon as you address this then I will be willing to listen."
Nothing more nothing less?
Sure you can validate his points that you heard him about not playing favorites.
"I understand that you aren't playing favorites and that you will spend time with both of them. You never addressed my issue about the boys being around your mistress. I have decided........."
I sent it as is (both statements you posted)....
How is it that I am not falling apart at this point in time?
No tears, no anger etc...This is a good sign right?
His response....
I can't say yes or no if she will be there.
My response...
I have made my stand on this...
There is no place for your mistress in our childrens' lives.
Please tell me of this is good enough?
"Then the 29th is no good for me."
His response...
In the near future I will be asking for full custody. Like I said before with the boys performances at home, school, and anywhere else.....you aren't going to win. If your answer is no about C and/or N comming over, let me know.....
Like I said before with the boys performances at home, school, and anywhere else.....you aren't going to win.
False bravado. He already knows he has lost, this is his chance to get you to back down. Any judge will see the behavior as a result of Dad bailing on his kids.
He already knows your answer. Don't respond today.
Be prepared, you need to start inquiring about attorneys. You are not the first person to be in this situation in your town, ask for help - pastor, YWCA, etc....
How is it that I am not falling apart at this point in time?
What do you think?
I have spoken to an attorney not that long ago so I know what I stand to lose plus I needed to have all of my ducks in a row...
What a turn of events....Merry Christmas to me.
What a turn of events....Merry Christmas to me.
Merry Christmas.
You can handle it.
Coach~
Because I have grown...
I am no longer that scared little girl who signed up here 6 months ago...
I am no longer weak...
I am no longer stupid nor naive...
I am no longer blinded by "love", I am fueled by protecting myself and my children...
I no longer put him before anything...
I no longer care what he is doing, saying or screwing...
I finally got to the point where I want life to feel great and I want to breath again....
I want to feel like I am home...
I want to love like I know how and I want to see beyond the blurr in my eyes...
I am finally past the point of being a wilted flower hiding in the shadows...
I am ready to be a full blooming flower standing tall in the sunshine.
Hi Serenity ~
I love what you just said.
You have grown so much through this adversity.
I too have finally got to that same place, after he stood up in court and did not tell the truth to the judge.
That was lower than low, and finally came to the realization that he is not someone I want in my life at this time.
It never seems to end with them does it...
I have come to the place where I can't even look at him now when he comes home.
On a lighter note...
A friend of mine enlightened me to a website called Plenty of Fish. I have been doing a little window shopping. It reminds me that there just might be someone out there that is worthy of my love. And me his.
Just a thought.
I have been following along quietly.
I'm in your corner girl. Can't you hear all the cheering going on over here? And the hissing for him when he's spewing his selfish behaviour at you.
I am here for you.
I know what this feels like.
(((((HUGS)))))
MJ
Coach~
Because I have grown...
I am no longer that scared little girl who signed up here 6 months ago...
I am no longer weak...
I am no longer stupid nor naive...
I am no longer blinded by "love", I am fueled by protecting myself and my children...
I no longer put him before anything...
I no longer care what he is doing, saying or screwing...
I finally got to the point where I want life to feel great and I want to breath again....
I want to feel like I am home...
I want to love like I know how and I want to see beyond the blurr in my eyes...
I am finally past the point of being a wilted flower hiding in the shadows...
I am ready to be a full blooming flower standing tall in the sunshine.
((((MJ))))
As always I am thrilled to see you again...
I am always in your corner and wish you nothing but the best in whatever it is you decide to do...
I never knew how much I have grown until Coach challenged me by asking me that question...
Then it all came out...
No tears...
Nothing...
I truly don't care about him anymore...
It is one thing to be hateful to me however by throwing our boys into the mix, something inside me came alive for my boys and something inside me died for him...
I am here if you need anything...
I wish you a Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Blessed Year.
Coach~
3 whistles and a smile - WOW...
I feel like I need to take a bow...
Thanks to you and your question...
I now feel alive...
I feel wonderful right now
(((((BIG HUGS)))))
Isn't it amazing how we finally got to this point?
All the wise ones before us said we would.
Could this be our Christmas miracle...
Recapturing us, and regaining our control.
So what was in that shiny package all tied up with that beautiful bow...
The one that said OPEN BEFORE CHRISTMAS...
BLESSED NEW BEGINNINGS
MJ
Coach~
3 whistles and a smile - WOW...
I feel like I need to take a bow...
Thanks to you and your question...
I now feel alive...
I feel wonderful right now
(((((BIG HUGS)))))
You ARE wonderful ((((Serenity)))).... now go and LIVE that reality! You will have a Merry Christmas!
S**T...He just sent me an email asking me to call him...Should I???
Why is he telling you to call him?
Why can't he call you if he has something to say.
MJ...
Because I stopped responding to his petty emails after he called me a bad parent...
He has no number for me because I changed it and didn't give it to him.
No, you aren't going to call. If he does call you are too busy to take it right now.
He's going to test your boundary. You will not match emotions with him.
Post this on your mirror:
Because I have grown...
I am no longer that scared little girl who signed up here 6 months ago...
I am no longer weak...
I am no longer stupid nor naive...
I am no longer blinded by "love", I am fueled by protecting myself and my children...
I no longer put him before anything...
I no longer care what he is doing, saying or screwing...
I finally got to the point where I want life to feel great and I want to breath again....
I want to feel like I am home...
I want to love like I know how and I want to see beyond the blurr in my eyes...
I am finally past the point of being a wilted flower hiding in the shadows...
I am ready to be a full blooming flower standing tall in the sunshine.
Feels good to stand up for yourself. Stay very aware right now. Be prepared.
Hhhmmm....
Maybe you should call him if you think it possibly could be an emergency.
Where are your boys right now?
BUT
On the other hand, if you were to call him and it turned out to be more spew you are going to be kicking yourself.
You could just call to set your mind at ease, and if it turns out to be spew, cut it off immediately.
My boys are with my Mom so it can't be that kind of emergency...
He probably wants me to relent and allow the oldest over and by getting on the phone he will throw me a bone or two and think all is ok (because I don't have a backbone where he is concerned.)
If I do call (which I haven't decided to do or not to do yet) and he does spew, I have a hang up button.
I think that's giving him too much credit. Was he there when you had the legal trouble with your son? (oh yeah that will look good in court)
He wants to talk now because he's not getting his way. Amazing what setting boundaries can do. He knows what he needs to do to see the boys, it his choice. It's all about behavior.
I'd go with what Coach said!
I love you guys...
I feel so empowered today...
Coach if you were here I would hug you so tightly (with permission from Greek)
I've been out of commission for the past couple of days, dealing with the worst flu I've had in ages. So I'm trying to catch up.
(((Serenity))) and I hope that you can get things worked out.
((((Trent))))
I hope you feel better and I am glad to see you back online...
I am doing wonderfully today
(((MJ)))
Amen my friend.
((((Rocked))))
You are wonderful as well my friend - Thank you for your kind words.
Coach ~
Was he there when you had the legal trouble with your son? (oh yeah that will look good in court)
No he wasn't...
He sent me a text that morning telling me to let him know how things went -
Though he was off work he still couldn't be bothered to show up.
(((Serenity)))
I am glad to see that you are feeling in a position of strength.
Your H is the big loser here and he does not even realize it. Words escape me.
Serenity, have the best possible Christmas with your boys. Get your legal machinery in motion. And keep praying!!! Your H needs prayers. If you find it difficult to pray for him, ask your pastor or someone to do so. Your H is in a very bad place now. I feel sorry for a man who could let it come to this with his children. He is leading a sad little existence. I am angry with him and sorry for him. You meanwhile, continue to be a great example of grace under pressure. I wish I could hug you in person.
Good to see you so strong Serenity. A full blooming flower indeed, well you certainly are getting plenty of fertilizer aren't you?
. You'll stand tall in the sunshine or stormy rains.
As Coach says, be prepared.
You are doing amazingly well Serenity! I agree with not calling. I am guessing he is sensing the new strength in you, and that he can't manipulate you anymore to get what he wants. He is hoping when you hear his voice he can do that more successfully. Nope, don't do it. Whatever he needs to say he can communicate by email.
Stay strong! Remember, you are wonderful AND amazing!
Quick update and I will be back tomorrow to see you all...
S now knows that H was only choosing to see him and not his brother (explain more tomorrow)...
His response...
"If he doesn't want to see N then I don't want to see him"
He gave me a long hug, said he loved me and now understood why I did what I did...
Happy tears my friends...
He choose his Brothers' side for the first time ever.
Until tomorrow...Peaceful dreams to you all (((Hugs)))
Quick update and I will be back tomorrow to see you all...
S now knows that H was only choosing to see him and not his brother (explain more tomorrow)...
His response...
"If he doesn't want to see N then I don't want to see him"
He gave me a long hug, said he loved me and now understood why I did what I did...
Happy tears my friends...
He choose his Brothers' side for the first time ever.
Until tomorrow...Peaceful dreams to you all (((Hugs)))
Karma, the Universe, God, the Force, The Law of Attraction, the DB Gods throwing you a bone .....
What you give out comes back.
(((Kara))) (((Deep))) (((Rocked))) (((Coach))) (((Trent)))
Thank you all for your support and kind words yesterday and last night...
I didn't speak to H last night though he sent me an email saying he had gotten busy (in case I called) and I could call him back then (I didn't)...
My sister took my older S for a ride last night - They went to the beach to talk because she was sick of the way he has been treating me...
He had no idea H only wanted to see him and not the little one (and we know how that ended)...
He was mad because I lie to him and it is easier for him to take out his anger on me because I am there (Ok which one of you told me that??)
They talked for over 3 hours and when they got back, it was like a different person had walked in...
We hugged etc...(as explained in my post above this)
He asked me why I lie to him about his Dad and I realized that I do it to keep H from looking like the bad guy...
I would rather take the heat then to have our children mad at him and what he is doing.
I would rather take the fall then to have my children know their Dad only wants to see one of them or chooses his mistress over both of them.
He understood however asked me to tell the truth no matter how painful it is to hear.
I haven't heard from H today (S has) though he told S we were still talking about whether he can go or not.
After our talk last night, I made some decisions...
First thing I did this morning was buy the book - Codependent No More and also a copy of The Language Of Letting Go (same author)...
I drove to the court house to file for custody as well as emergency child support only to find out that I can't file for custody without filing for divorce (and I am not there yet).
So that is where I am right at this moment -
I apologize to you all...I haven't visited your situations the last couple of days so I will get there shortly...
(((Hugs)))
(((Serenity)))
Boy, I miss another day and come back to see that you (and Coach) are just kickin' a$$ and taking names. Boy did he try to push back, bully and intimidate. And he's must know that he's dead meat in court.
And your sister and your son - great.
And you and your son after that - Great!
And you?GREAT!!
Merry Christmas to one strong, calm, detached Mama Bear!
(((Gardener)))
Thank you my friend...
I am thankful you all were here to help me set that boundary.
I did find out that the OW is indeed living with my H - He actually had the gall to brag about that to our S.
I thought once I find out with 100% certainty, I would be crushed but I wasn't.
It was just one more nail in the coffin...All the countless lies, half-truths, projection, blameshifting etc...I can forgive it all however I don't think (about 95% sure) we will get past it anymore. I don't think I want to...
I deserve to be loved the way I love...
I deserve to be cherished the way I cherish...
I deserve to be honored the way I honor...
I want these things in my life and now looking back I realize I haven't had them in a very long time.
I am bound and determined to have a great day today as well as tomorrow.
I have plans with both my boys tonight and then family time tomorrow.
I wish you all a wonderful Christmas filled with peace and joy.
((((Hugs))))
Coach (or anyone that knows the sitch)~
I don't see you on so I am hoping you see this and can respond when you have a chance...
H just sent me an email -
"She won't be there and can they both come?"
Smiles and a little apprehension - Now what?
Trust but verify. You take the boys over. Let him know he is under scrutiny. Tell him if you find out he's lying it will never happen again. The boys will splill the beans if she is there. Have a timeline how long, when to pick-up etc.
You can handle it.
Cheers
Coach~
Thank you for coming so quickly on Christmas Eve...
I could barely breathe when I saw the email...
I haven't answered him yet because there are some things I want to make sure he does while the boys are there...
I need him to stop telling our little one he will be home soon...
I need him to sit them both down and tell them he (not us - as he is prone to do) has decided he is done and this is the way it is going to be.
I don't want her just "stopping by" either - I don't want neither of the boys to even breathe the same air as her.
I know you are right about them telling me so I am not to worried about that...
I am worried he may not bring them back however I will work through that.
After he agrees to your plan make sure you have it written in a e-mail. Don't let it be a verbal agreement.
Be very clear about your boundaries, you deserve to be treated with respect and honor. This is a gift you give yourself.
Cheers
Here is my email (nothing verbal for me anymore lol) Coach - If you think anything needs to be changed, please feel free...
Dear H.
I will agree to both boys coming to your place for the following days 12/29-09-01/01/10. I will make sure they are packed and ready to go on 12/29/09 by 11am, I want them brought back to my house on 01/01/10 no later then 4pm.
Oldest S as you know is on probabtion so he is not to be unsupervised at anytime. His curfew is 8pm and he has to be indoors at that time.
If this is something you are wanting to start, then I request consistancy on your part. I don't want you to see them and then go another 6 months before it happens again. You are off on Sundays so if you would like to pick them up for a movie or dinner, we can work that out.
Under no circumstances is OW to be anywhere around them at anytime they are in your care. I would expect you to use this time having fun with your boys, not spending the day on your phone talking and texting her while they entertain themselves.
Serenity
Dear H.
I will agree to both boys coming to your place for the following days 12/29-09-01/01/10. I will make sure they are packed and ready to go on 12/29/09 by 11am, I want them brought back to my house on 01/01/10 no later then 4pm.
Oldest S as you know is on probabtion so he is not to be unsupervised at anytime. His curfew is 8pm and he has to be indoors at that time.
If this seeing the boys on a regular basis is something you are wanting to start, then I request consistancy on your part. I don't want you to see them and then go another 6 months before it happens again. Only seeing the boys once every 6 months is damaging to the boys and detrimental to any realtionship you might want to have with them You are off on Sundays so if you would like to pick them up for a movie or dinner, we can work that out.
Under no circumstances is OW to be anywhere around them at anytime they are in your care. As long as we are married I will not tolerate any contact with the boys and her. If you want to see the boys then this is your choice.I would expect you to use this time having fun with your boys, not spending the day on your phone talking and texting her while they entertain themselves.
Serenity
_________________________
I have to run, I will check in later. You are doing fine. Do you notice he is acknowledging your boundary? You will believe it when you see it but right now go with the understanding of good intentions. If he follows you boundary let him know you appreciate it.
Cheers
Coach~
I like your version better and will send it as is...Thank you again for giving me your time.
I do notice and once all is said and done, I will let him know that I appreciate it...
Quick (maybe dumb) question - By him doing this does this mean our marriage is done for good?
Coach~
I like your version better and will send it as is...Thank you again for giving me your time.
I do notice and once all is said and done, I will let him know that I appreciate it...
Quick (maybe dumb) question - By him doing this does this mean our marriage is done for good?
Don't read minds. What happens in the future happens.
And take care Serenity.
And Coach. Thank you. You sir are a good man.
Cutter...
Thank you for the reminder
You take as well.
(((Hugs)))
Sent the email as Coach revised...
Never received an answer back though H did text older S asking him what they eat for food and snacks?
Seriously???
5 months and he no longer knows how to care for his kids?
Makes me question what I am doing letting them go.
Serenity,
I deserve to be loved the way I love...
I deserve to be cherished the way I cherish...
I deserve to be honored the way I honor...
I want these things in my life and now looking back I realize I haven't had them in a very long time.
And some day a sweetheart like you will have all these, of this I have no doubt.
Merry Christmas. And thank you.
(Inner) Peace,
Gardener
Serenity,
Just checking up on you. I hope you had a great Christmas.
Mo3
Serenity, Catching up
Sent the email as Coach revised...
Never received an answer back..,.Makes me question what I am doing letting them go.
No answer=no agreement=no visit in my book.
(((Strong Serenity))))
Oh, and by the way:
how are you, friend?
Serenity, Catching up
Sent the email as Coach revised...
Never received an answer back..,.Makes me question what I am doing letting them go.
(((Strong Serenity))))
I agree. I would respond with, "You didn't respond to my request so I have made other plans for me and the boys."
Hardball.
Serenity, Catching up
Sent the email as Coach revised...
Never received an answer back..,.Makes me question what I am doing letting them go.
(((Strong Serenity))))
I agree. I would respond with, "You didn't respond to my request so I have made other plans for me and the boys."
Hardball.
Uh, oh: Coach is lurking. Hope he doesn't see my note to Greek on my thread a few posts back.
MO3, Gardener, Coach - Thank you all for coming and checking in on me - He finally responded as well as agreed to all of my terms. (((Hugs)))
Long (very long) Journaling ~
Christmas well I wish I could have avoided the day...It started with the little one becoming upset because "Santa" didn't bring him what he asked for - Which was his Dad to be home....He was upset most of the day and by the end of the night, I was in tears as well. H never called the little one - He did call the oldest one and little one happened to hear them talking so H was kind enough to speak to him for about 45 seconds.
While speaking to him, H did the one thing I asked him not to do which was tell S he was coming to pick him up tomorrow. (Things change, people disappoint so I didn't want S to know until H was in the driveway) So I got on the phone to say something to H and he in turned said "Hello", I replied with "Hello" and then he hung up.
By the end of Christmas night, my faith was gone...
I was done praying, done going to Church, done seeking something I could not find. I could no longer "feel" God near me and at that moment in time, I didn't care...
I feel like I have been running in circles for the last 10 months and there is no end in sight.
I got up and got ready for Church on Sunday, decided I wasn't going to go however my Mom told me I needed to go. So I went...
I was about 10 minutes late...
For the first time in about a month I went up during Altar Call, my Pastor came down and knelt with me to pray...
I told him about the custody battle that seems to be looming on the horizon, I told him I no longer "felt" God near me...
I broke down and cried as he prayed...
As he held my hand, I looked into his face and saw what can only be described as what people see in my face when they look at
me - Pain...
Pain etched across his face, love shining through, compassion in his eyes, sorrow reflecting back at me...
As we were kneeling there on our knees, head to head, I "felt" Him...
I knew what I was seeing on my Pastor's face was a reflection of what He is feeling for me...
He knew I was struggling and doubting and fearing...
He used the only man I trust 100% to show me He understood, to show me He was right there, to show me He wasn't going anywhere.
He knows how I feel each morning I get up...
He knows I feel like I am headed to a battle each and everyday. I wait for the other shoe to drop, I expect nothing but heartache, I have come to expect to be treated this way by anyone who crosses my path.
Because I gave someone 100% of me, I expected the same in return.
I loved with my whole heart and didn't get that in return.
I trusted with my whole being and didn't get that in return.
Slowly my beliefs have changed over the last few months.
I believe I deserve better then this, I believe my boys deserve better then this, I believe I don't want to go into a New Year with all this hanging over me. I don't want to live in limbo anymore. I don't want to married to a man who would show so much hate and disrespect to the one he proclaimed his love to.
Regardless of the "fog" or the "pea" chemicals, there is no excuse period.
My MIL called me last night...She was at my SIL's house for the holidays...Seems SIL spoke to H who was kind enough to inform her that he has finally realized that he has "never, ever" loved me...He also told his family he had spent part of Christmas with the boys - Which he did not.
That right there shows me my H isn't right in his head.
The man he has become is someone I no longer know nor do I want to know. He has become a sick man who is morally bankrupt and if I never had to hear from him from this day forward, I would be just fine.
This storm isn't going to get better until I step out from under it.
An email I received this morning started with these words -
"...and be content with what you have, because God has said,"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."
Hebrews 13:5
That is all I need to believe in.
Oh, and Seren, I read it. It was beautiful. It is so rare - and so - overwhelming - to have those wonderful moments when you are directly, viscerally - touched by Him: He in your very presence and you in His. I've
been there. And I identified completely with this sharing:
Because I gave someone 100% of me, I expected the same in return.
I loved with my whole heart and didn't get that in return.
I trusted with my whole being and didn't get that in return.
And cried (been doing a lot of that this Christmas). For you. For me. For all of us here.
My friend - I wish you could have seen his face...
It was beautiful and I didn't understand what was happening...
I just looked in complete awe - At that moment him and I were the only ones in the Church...
I could feel others around and hear the music but it all faded away in that one moment.
I was so shaken the rest of the service - I didn't even tell him what I saw.
What a beautiful post, Serenity. Your pastor is a good man. And He sent him to you right when you needed it.
Puppy
(((Puppy)))
Nice to see you again my friend...
I hope you had a wonderful Christmas, a wonderful break and all is well in your life...
I missed you and your wisdom very much these past few days however Coach stepped in and helped me immensely...
Thank you so much for your kind words...
If you are ever up this way, I will take you to meet him.
I hope you have a wonderful night Puppy...
Welcome back.
((((Serenity)))))
How beautiful. Thank you for sharing that. I have found that the nightmare of the past year has strengthened my faith in a way I never felt possible, and so much of what you said I could relate to. I am thankful for you that you have a pastor like that. I will continue to pray for you!
Puppy, nice to see you back! Hope your Christmas had many blessings!
(((Serenity)))
When you experience something like that it shakes you to the very core. I had my own experience where I felt the presence of God in a very real and tangible way as if he were standing right next to me. Recalling it just gives me goosebumps and I have actually never even spoken about it. It was so special and personal that I will keep it with me for now
((((Rocked)))) ((((Kara))))
Ladies it is always a welcome to see you both.
Rocked, I thank God every night for my Pastor - He came into my life at one of the darkest periods and it wasn't a moment to soon.
Kara, I understand completely though thrilled that you also know what I am speaking of...I am not sure if I will share it with my Pastor but to know he was the medium used makes it all the more better in my mind.
I was blown away and shaken to my core as well...Once I went back to my seat, I was still in tears and literally shaking...The gentleman sitting next to me kept asking me if I was ok...I couldn't answer - All I could do was shake my head yes...
Well today is the day...
H has just picked up the kids - My Mom called and let me know my youngest ran out the door when he saw his Dad pull up - H didn't come in nor speak to anyone but the kids and my niece.
He is bringing them back in 2 days instead of 4 days which is ok by me - I would have been happy with them not going at all...
I don't trust him and I am not sure where he is sitting on the "crazy-train".
However I will be ok with this...
Somehow someway.
However I will be ok with this...
Somehow someway.
will either calm you in the storm or calm the storm around you.
Somehow...someway. You will be OK.
Greek
Greek ~
Thank you - You are so right and the words were perfect.
(((Hugs)))
And another thought if it hasn't been mentioned Serenity ... praying to Him can mean the storm may not pass you by, but that you'll have His hand holding yours while walking through it ...
Deep~
Thank you my friend - You are so right and I need to keep remembering that...
I should enjoy the next 2 days without worry...
I know God is watching over my kids and protecting them...
I just feel weird knowing they aren't at my house and I don't like having no control over what goes on over there...
Sure I can set boundaries and such but who is to say he will follow them...
Good thing I have a 6 year old who doesn't know the meaning of a secret lol.
Greek & Deep ~
Just wanted to let you know...
As I sat here wondering what to do with myself for the next 2 days and thinking what I didn't need was to have one more pity party, my phone rang...
A gentleman from my Church asking me if I was free tonight to feed the homeless. (even though it isn't my regular night)
And that right there turns my day around...
The "ick" in my tummy is calm, a few hours of my night is planned and thanks to my wonderful friends here all is quite well in my land.
Oh, how perfect!
(((Serenity))))
You are an inspiration to me in so many ways!
As I sat here wondering what to do with myself for the next 2 days and thinking what I didn't need was to have one more pity party, my phone rang...
I try and remind myself every day that God does have a plan for all of us. Unfortunately we just aren't privy to the big picture yet.
(((Rocked)))
Yes it was perfect - Normally I don't feed the homeless until the third Tuesday of the month and this one fell in my lap so I am taking the sign as to that is where I am supposed to be tonight.
(((MO3)))
I have to be beaten upside the head sometimes to remember this and sometimes the little signs escape me in that moment...I look back and have to whack myself in the head when I "see" it was there all along and I once again missed it.
Serenity,
Once again I ventured out of MLC land over here to check your thread and was once again awed and inspired.:)
(((Trusting)))
Nice to see you as always...I love that you venture out of MLC to visit over here...Hope all is well.
Mini Vent ~
Fed the homeless tonight...
Oldest S called and I spoke to him, the little one and H...
All was well...
15 minutes later S calls again and H is bringing little one home because he misses me and is crying (it is bedtime and he is overtired)...
I didn't take that well...
Called my H a quitter...
Can't commit to anything and stick with it...
Quit our marriage, quit our family and now quitting on his kid...
Pardon my mouth but I just wanted to tell him I thought he was such a d**khead (I didn't).
Frick I wish he would have just left us the hell alone.
2x4's expected.
Hi serenity. Hope & pray you are well. Happy New year!
T
(((Tomato)))
Happy New Year to you as well my friend.
Thank you
Serenity,
I am not sure if I will share it with my Pastor but to know he was the medium used makes it all the more better in my mind.
Tell him, Serenity, by all means. Think of what it would mean to him as a Pastor to hear this.
Well today is the day...
H has just picked up the kids - My Mom called and let me know my youngest ran out the door when he saw his Dad pull up - H didn't come in nor speak to anyone but the kids and my niece.
He is bringing them back in 2 days instead of 4 days which is ok by me - I would have been happy with them not going at all...
I don't trust him and I am not sure where he is sitting on the "crazy-train".
Will you be keeping in touch with them these two days? I hope so. If "Trust but verify" is an often viable approach, when you "don't trust him", I'd suggest verifying the heck out of this visit. Follow that "train".
However I will be ok with this...
Somehow someway.
I'm sure you will. You are becoming more "ok" and stronger daily, from my vantage point.
((Seren))
Oh, how perfect!
(((Serenity))))
You are an inspiration to me in so many ways!
Amen.
But none are coming - or needed.
(((Gardener)))
But none are coming - or needed
Spoke to soon my friend...
H dropped off little one...
Came in for a minute because his arms were full...
Even though I have been off of work for quite awhile, I haven't had a chance to change so I was still dressed up....
Oh he was so eyeballing me when he thought I wasn't looking...
I was holding little one and I could see him looking me up and down..
So he says to oldest something about going because it is an hours drive and they wouldn't get back til 10ish...
I go to say be safe and he walks up, puts his arms around me and gives me the longest tightest hug ever, kisses me and says "I love you" - First words in my head "Are you effin kidding me?" I didn't say it though because I had already asked for my lips to stay zipped...
Walked S to the car so he could show me his Christmas present...
Another hug, 2 more "I love yous" and another kiss.
With a touch & a few words and I get sucked right back in and after he left I gave my thanks to God for showing me He is once again still working on my H...
Now before you beat me over the head, talk a step outside and look up...
Look at the moon and see the Eye of God looking out over all of us...
Do you see it?
Before I start - Did any of you look at the moon last night? It was directly over my house, the moon looked like the iris of an eye and there was a huge circle around it - Just like an eye looking down on us.
(Before I wrote that last night, I texted my sister and asked her if it was the same moon everyone else sees.
Blonde moment for sure.)
I have had a few hours to process the events that happened last night...
While I still don't understand the change in him, I am not going to waste time trying to pick it apart either. It confuses me and if I allow it, it gives me false hope.
He got out of the car looking like he wanted to fight. (probably mad cause I had called him a quitter about an hour prior to him being there) Whatever happened between the car and the house I don't know, all I know is he kept staring at me and would look away when I caught him doing it...
The first thing he looked at when we were in the light was my left hand - He always checks to see if I am still wearing my wedding ring - Which I am because I am married - Then his face softened and I stood a little taller, then you know the rest.
I hope he left thinking WTH am I doing with the FT when I have this amazing woman standing in front of me who loves me unconditionally...
I hope he went home and compared us - We are as different as night and day...
She is short (no more then 5') I am tall (5'10) she is fat, I am not, she is dark haired and dark eyed, I am blond and blue eyed...
I am kind, caring, loyal, compassionate, sympathetic, loving, faithful, beautiful (yes my self-esteem is returning haha), usually have some grace thrown in there as well - She doesn't have any of these qualities - She is a predator, lower then pond scum, a human being with no morals, no ethics, no self-respect - I am a treasure, she is not - I am a rare jewel in my Father's crown and she is a lost soul...
Last night I learned that the way he behaved was a test for me and I passed...
The test you ask? It was a way to show me just exactly how far I have come.
1 month ago I would have read it to being a step into him maybe coming home and what I still needed to do in order for him to come home (you know cause the affair was my fault)...
Last night I read it as a billion baby steps I have taken over the last few months and just how far those steps have brought me.
You know how far????
I didn't fall for it last night...
Him dropping the crumbs didn't rope me back in...
I didn't run back in the house like a giddy schoolgirl all happy cause he threw me a bone...
I turned away from him, held my head high and my back straight as steel and I walked away with a smile on my face.
(((Gardener)))
Tell him, Serenity, by all means. Think of what it would mean to him as a Pastor to hear this.
He may think I am driving the same train as my H...
I shared it here and on my blog but to actually go to him in person?
Hell you are right he would probably love to hear it.
(((Serenity)))
You HAVE come a long way! I am sure you are right that it was a test and you passed with flying colors!
I love the way you compare yourself with OW and see yourself as such a treasure... just as you are! I have learned to do that too to overcome those moments when your self-esteem feels so trashed from the A... You are amazing!
If he didn't leave wondering WTH he is doing with that lost soul when he has such a treasure in his wife, he is still on the crazy train, that's for sure!
Keep staying strong... you continue to be an inspiration!
Oh, and btw... I DID see the moon last night, it was beautiful!
Sernity,
Hell you are right he would probably love to hear it.
You bet he would! This is his life, his ministry, his calling!
We all need to hear and to know when what we do - are meant to do - has worked, has had an effect, has touched someone's life!
(((Rocked)))
Thank you for your kind words...I have to build myself up everyday otherwise I find myself wallowing in muck...I used to rely on other people to do it and I have now learned to do it for me
I am so glad someone else saw that moon - Yes it was beautiful!
I keep hearing from others about being an inspiration and I think that is one of the kindest things anyone could ever say to me...I sure don't feel like it...Somedays I still feel so lost and then I come here and see just how far I have come...Doesn't take the "lostness" away but it sure makes me feel better lol
(((Gardener)))
I don't do speaking face to face well anymore so I printed out what I wrote on my blog and will give it to him Sunday...
At least he will truly know what a difference he has made in my life.
Thank you my friend.
Still here and following Serenity, and great to hear you doing great
.
oh, just a word on the OP comparison thingy, better to move away from that sooner rather than later. WAS would never see your point of view, it's either they see something you don't, you're shallow, "it's not about looks/ height/ character/ boob size/ penile size/ eye color/ intelligence etc" (delete where appropriate). They're BENEATH you period. Doesn't matter if you're Danny De Vito and they look like Brad Pitt; you're penniless and they're rich.
I know I certainly found the world a much better place once I cleared my thoughts on that one. I wasn't entirely joking in another post when I said the best response when a WAS drops you the ILY crumb out of nowhere is to say "Yep, and I love me too". If you think you found your soulmate and Mr/Ms Perfect, go for it! I'm letting someone else(s) find me - the lucky sod! Part and parcel of detaching lol.
Deep ~
Thank you my friend...
I know you are correct and I shouldn't compare myself to her...
It does make me feel better though especially on days when my self-esteem & self-respect is shot.
However you are correct, I need to move past that as well.
Another step forward for me in the new year.
Plus you like metal
You shot up 5 levels in what cutter likes :P
Take care Serenity.
(((Cutter)))
That I do
And the compliment goes right back to you my friend.
Anything fun planned for tonight?
I am fixing to get off work a little early and go shopping for something to wear tonight.
I am going to Church for a couple of hours then a party afterwards...
Don't plan on drinking though since there are to many crazies on the road.
Thanks to Kara, I have been shoe shopping and loving it I may add...Found a pair of you know what pumps, black, 4 inches high which makes me stand at 6'2 - Now I need an outfit to go around my shoes...I am loving life today and my plan is to go out tonight and enjoy it to the fullest!
Coach ~
If you are around, both boys are home now and the boundaries were followed, I grilled older S (I know but I had to verify and I did it kindly - My sister said I should ask H however we know he lies all the time) and he couldn't even pinpoint a time his Dad was on the phone with her...
There were no pictures around of the 2 of them, she never "graced" them with her presence etc...
You told me to acknowledge that once all was said and done...
Any thoughts on how to word that without being sappy like I am prone to do?
Thank you
Love it, Love it, Love it!
All the best to you in the new year my friend! This will be a better year for us all! Cheers and blessings!
(((Rocked)))
All the best to you as well my friend!
2010 is our year and we may as well start taking it back tonight!
Cheers and Blessings to you also!
((((SERENITY)))
Best wishes for a happy and healthy 2010 to you and everyone reading this post. We are TAKING IT BACK in 2010. I have never been so glad to see a year end!!!!Whooohooo!!! I choose to move forward in faith and not fear. God is STILL in control.
I am so happy to hear that you are contributing to the economy by getting in on the shoe thing!!! I ust say that it is mighty considerate of you. I wonder if there is a correlation between killer shoes and women taking it back? Hmmm.
Be blessed, all.
Here is a way to start the New Year...
My H has changed banks and cut all finances from the boys and I...
And my oldest S is missing...Hasn't been seen since last night.
Now what do I do?
Re the bank and finances - are you ready to take legal steps?
Re your missing son - I hope you have located him by the time this is posted. Please keep us posted.
(((Kara)))
Thanks for coming by...
S just walked in the door so I will deal with him shortly...
I guess I don't have a choice anymore...
Once again he took the choice out of my hands and once again I find myself drifting in the darkness...
What kind of father cuts off all finances to their kids?
Happy Friggen New Year.
I hate 2010 already.
I am glad that he came in.
I can only imagine how you must feel. I obviously do not know your H but I believe that he has unresolved issues and needs to talk to somebody. I believe that you were not ready to take legal steps but with children involved in the mix, he has to meet his obligations.
We are not going to think about hating 2010. It has only just started. You know where to go when you start to drift into the darkness. You will start to see the light.
We are not going to think about hating 2010. It has only just started. You know where to go when you start to drift into the darkness. You will start to see the light.
Kara is right. 2010 has barely started; this is just a stumble coming out of the gate.
You do what you have to do to take care of yourself and your kids.
Serenity,
Glad your S made it home. I am sorry about your H cutting off the finances. I don't know why a man would walk away from supporting their kids but so many inexplicably do. It sounds like maybe some legal steps do need to be taken.
(((hugs)))
Happy Friggen New Year.
I hate 2010 already.
Serenity my friend... do NOT let that man have that much power in your life to cause you to hate the year already. Continue to TAKE IT BACK! Take the power and control over your own life back from him! I don't understand what would possess a man to do that, but that is not for you to figure out. Release that to God.
I am glad your S is home... having teens I can completely understand what you might have been going thru. He obviously needs you right now. Let that be your focus instead of your H.
I am praying for you today. This can still be your year (((serenity)))!
Love it, Love it, Love it!
Ditto, Ditto, Ditto!
Serenity,
What kind of father cuts off all finances to their kids?
Happy Friggen New Year.
I hate 2010 already.
1) Go. To. Court!
2) Hey, that was my line earlier!
3) So did I, earlier today. My friends here got me out of
that in a hurry!
I have one friend and two relatives who died in '09 and weren't as blessed as we are to see 2010. Make it your year!
(and send me a picture of you in that outfit & pumps)
Happy New Year.
I'm glad your son is home safe. And please take the legal steps you need to make your H man up and take care of his kids. His actions are completely unacceptable!
And I'm jealous- when I wear 4 inch pumps, I'm still kinda short- they only get me up to 5'5...
Hugs, Bunny
((((Kara))))
Nothing like a great pair of shoes to let a woman know she still has it.
Plus I try to always do my part to contribute to the economy lol...
I found a great dress & had a great pair of shoes...After Church I spent the rest of the evening visiting almost every dive place from one end of town to the other - I was the DD and didn't get home until 5am - Little one was up 3 hours later and I was beat but no hangover since I have vowed not to drink this year...No need to add alcoholism to an already volatile situation.
I was never happier to see a year end either...I wish you nothing but the very best in the year to come!
To all of you who came by earlier - I send my utmost thanks to each of you...
I dealt with my 14 year old (going on 19 year old) by being strong and letting him know there was no playing anymore...
Whether he likes it or not I am in charge and it will be my way period. There will be no pushing me around anymore because he doesn't like the situation we are in...
I let him know how it made me feel, let him know what the boundaries were from now on and also what the consequences were if he didn't respect the boundaries I laid out...
Something must have gotten in there because he was home 2 hours before curfew in a much better mood then when he left.
Let him know there is no playing me against his Dad...His Dad is in no position to take care of him so he needed to get that out of his head asap - No way as long as I am breathing is he going to live there unless a court orders me to do it.
As for the money issue...
After a good cry, some raging & a mini pity-party, I took as much action as I could on a holiday. I let his Mom know what he had done this time...
I went over to the storage unit to see if I could find my older sons birth certificate (that is what is holding up child support)...
Found mine, H and little ones but couldn't find the one I was looking for.
Also found some stuff H had broke when he had packed some things back in July...Nothing major but still.
Left a message for my lawyer and will be in there first thing Monday morning...
Abandonment isn't illegal in my state - It is a form of child abuse but not grounds for anything else - Cutting all financial ties - That is illegal and grounds for jail.
Do I feel bad about it?
Absolutely not (for my kids yes)...I will do whatever I need to do in order to take care of my kids.
I have taken his crap from day one with as much Grace and Love that I can muster up...
I make an effort each and every single day not to hate him...
I make an effort each and every single day to forgive him...
I can make excuses for his treatment of me and willingly take the 2x4's that come with it...
What I cannot do is sit by and allow him to continuously mistreat our boys...
Don't want to be there mentally, physically or emotionally? That is on him and something I know he will regret in the future...
Don't want to be there for them financially? To bad - That is on me to take care of and if it means a few days in jail then so be it...
Be angry, hate me with every breath you take, blame me for every failure in your life, file for divorce...
I as an adult will move forward eventually...
Eff with my boys and I don't care who you are, I will take you down...
So the gloves have come off and I decided to bypass H all together...
I thought about sending an email like I did last week and I took it as a sign when neither Puppy nor Coach responded with words I may have needed to say to H.
I will no longer spar with him verbally...
Everything from this day forward will be done and documented by my lawyer.
(((((Hugs)))))
(((Spy)))
To funny...I used to
hate being tall...I hated it so much I would slouch over every second I got. (surprised I can still stand up straight all these years later)
I still did it with H because barefoot I was 2 inches taller then him...
I always wanted to be short and dainty - Like a pixie...
There is nothing dainty nor pixie like when you are 5'10 lol!
In just the last year I have begun to appreciate all that God has given me and that includes my height...
So now I stand taller then I ever did and no longer wear flats when I go out...
I love heels and while at work I normally wear flipflops year round but now I am embracing my height and adding to it lol.
Serenity!
To all of you who came by earlier - I send my utmost thanks to each of you...
I dealt with my 14 year old (going on 19 year old) by being strong and letting him know there was no playing anymore...
Whether he likes it or not I am in charge and it will be my way period. There will be no pushing me around anymore because he doesn't like the situation we are in...
I let him know how it made me feel, let him know what the boundaries were from now on and also what the consequences were if he didn't respect the boundaries I laid out...
Something must have gotten in there because he was home 2 hours before curfew in a much better mood then when he left.
Let him know there is no playing me against his Dad...His Dad is in no position to take care of him so he needed to get that out of his head asap - No way as long as I am breathing is he going to live there unless a court orders me to do it.
As for the money issue...
After a good cry, some raging & a mini pity-party, I took as much action as I could on a holiday. I let his Mom know what he had done this time...
I went over to the storage unit to see if I could find my older sons birth certificate (that is what is holding up child support)...
Found mine, H and little ones but couldn't find the one I was looking for.
Also found some stuff H had broke when he had packed some things back in July...Nothing major but still.
Left a message for my lawyer and will be in there first thing Monday morning...
Abandonment isn't illegal in my state - It is a form of child abuse but not grounds for anything else - Cutting all financial ties - That is illegal and grounds for jail.
Do I feel bad about it?
Absolutely not (for my kids yes)...I will do whatever I need to do in order to take care of my kids.
I have taken his crap from day one with as much Grace and Love that I can muster up...
I make an effort each and every single day not to hate him...
I make an effort each and every single day to forgive him...
I can make excuses for his treatment of me and willingly take the 2x4's that come with it...
What I cannot do is sit by and allow him to continuously mistreat our boys...
Don't want to be there mentally, physically or emotionally? That is on him and something I know he will regret in the future...
Don't want to be there for them financially? To bad - That is on me to take care of and if it means a few days in jail then so be it...
Be angry, hate me with every breath you take, blame me for every failure in your life, file for divorce...
I as an adult will move forward eventually...
Eff with my boys and I don't care who you are, I will take you down...
So the gloves have come off and I decided to bypass H all together...
I thought about sending an email like I did last week and I took it as a sign when neither Puppy nor Coach responded with words I may have needed to say to H.
I will no longer spar with him verbally...
Everything from this day forward will be done and documented by my lawyer.
(((((Hugs)))))
Perhaps the strongest, gutsiest post I've ever read you (or maybe anyone else) post on this board! I am in awe of your (continued) transformation. And without compromising your beliefs, decency, forgiveness and grace! Brava, woman. I am proud to know ya. Have been for months, actually, but, but
Tonight...!
And see son's response? At that age they want,
crave, parental strengthm limits and expectations, though they'd
never admit it! Home two hours before curfew: ha!
You are raising a man. Din't let H screw that up because
he'll just clone a self-centered, immature boy like himself. Go, Mama Bear! Go kick-a$$ woman! Go Serenity!!
Serenity
You sound good.
I think your S will have a greater appreciation and respect for you now. It is a difficult situation for him to deal with. Has he had any counselling or spoken to your pastor or anyone about what he is going through? As Gardener says, you are rasing a man. This is an important time for him and he will learn many valuable lessons.
I hope for the sake of your H's realtionship with his boys that he gets it together.
(((Gardener)))
My friend, I thank you...
I am still amazed that through it all, I am still standing...
I am still amazed I don't hate him with every fiber of my being...
I am also amazed at how low he will sink to finance his "new life".
I feel sick today...
Sick with the knowledge that he has taken everything "worldly" from me...
No car, no house, self-respect is minimal, self-esteem is lower then ever, now even the finances I once counted on are gone.
I don't understand what is happening and if I stop, I realize I can't quite breathe...
I feel like I am suffocating and don't know how to get any air.
I keep telling myself, I can't quit but it is getting harder and harder to get up and face another day.
Serenity,
God has already worked out everything for you. We all have to remember that. What the devil meant for bad, God meant for good. You can't see the end of this but He is preparing you for a blessing that you can't even dream of. Every time I have gone through a big test, I look back and then see what God has really gotten me through and where I end up after the test. It is always something better than I could've imagined. The great thing about it is that God tests us like this sometimes to remind us of how great and awesome He is. God loves you and he has your back. When you can't stand or feel like you are suffocating, just be still and remember that God is the GREAT I AM. Just stand on Him when you can't move or don't know which way to turn.
(((Hugs)))
There is nothing dainty nor pixie like when you are 5'10 lol!
Nope, you get to be a goddess- beautiful, powerful and regal. Remember that when you're feeling down because we all know it.
I am still amazed that through it all, I am still standing...
I am still amazed I don't hate him with every fiber of my being...
That's a testament to how strong you are and the beautiful spirit inside you.
Things will get better, hun.
Hugs, Bunny
(((4luv)))
Your post brought tears to my eyes and I thank you...
Your words were the exact reminder I once again needed...
He has brought me so far from that day 10 months ago...
I can look back at some things and see His hand...
This blow though was unexpected and once again I was blindsided...
To take from my kids is just devastating to me and to not even care about it is just about unforgivable.
I am ready for the tests to be done though...
No matter what, I am only human and seriously how much more do I have to endure?
How much more do my boys and I have to suffer before a light is turned on for us?
(((Bunny)))
I never stopped to look at myself that way...
Amazon yes...
Goddess and Regal - no
I will start though thanks to you.
I love the description and will remember that from now on!
Things have to get better...
Don't think they can get much worse from this point on.
((((Serenity))))
You are in my prayers.
(((((Rocked)))))
You are always in mine as well my friend
Serenity, that was an amazing list.
I think you're close to a place where the light coming on for you does not equal the lightbulb coming on for your H.
Not bad at all I would say
.
(((Deep)))
I think you may be right and I am just afraid to admit it.
Congratulations on your new baby Son (((Hugs)))
Good night, Serenity ((()))
((((Gardener)))
Good night my friend
Serenity:
New sermon for 2010 over in the Prayer Circle. I hope you enjoy it.
(((Trent)))
I will head there in about 5 - Finishing a journal that needed to get out.
Thank you Trent - Always.
Of course.
Journal~
Where to start? Anger came and went...
After talking to my Pastor today, some peace settled within...
He reminded me that once again God has given me an out however he knows that I won't take it right now.
Tomorrow I will see my lawyer once again and see where to go from here.
I went to Church and felt heavy, down, broken-hearted, hurt so bad I no longer "feel" anything, devastated beyond any words.
He watched me throughout the service, he always seems to know when something new has entered the picture and we spoke afterwards and I let him know what has happened this week...
I also told him what happened at the Altar last week.
I felt like I had gotten to the place I didn't want to be at - The place where all is said and done and I just sacrifice my beliefs and give in to H.
I asked him would God tell me when it was time - As long as I believe that time will never come.
Faith and hope are the only things getting me through the day.
The nights are the longest, filled with regrets, remorse, and a bunch of should have, would have and could have...
I wonder when black and white turned to gray?
I wonder when the day will come that I don't climb out of bed terrified of what the day will bring?
I wonder when the day will come when I can go to my Pastor in joy instead of sorrow?
I wonder if the darkness will ever lift?
I wonder when I will ever be able to just hug someone without shaking?
I wonder when the fear I battle daily will leave?
I wonder if I will ever not feel as though I am going to shatter at any moment?
I wonder when the day will come that I can breathe easier once again and look at the world through clear eyes instead of tear filled eyes?
I wonder when the day will come that I go to the Altar, take my Pastors' hand and don't break down in a teary mess, clinging to his hand so tightly, like he is my lifeline because I feel so unworthy?
I wonder how to stop feeling like yesterdays garbage?
I wonder how to take back all my power...The power over my emotions is still being held in my H's hand and I hate it and I can't figure out how to get it back?
I still wonder why we weren't good enough even though I know by now it isn't about us?
I wonder if I will ever be able to truly give 100% of myself ever again?
I wonder if I will ever "feel" loved again?
I wonder all this as I go to sleep at night...
I don't sleep good and then wake up scared each and every single day.
Because of the Faith I carry and the Hope I have, I realized that all this can go to Him as well.
Today I asked not for a lighter load but for a stronger back.
(((Hugs)))
Serenity,
As I read through your last post, all I can say is I know EXACTLY what you're going through.
Hopefully one day we will look back on this and these questions and fears will have been answered and all things worked out for our good.
Serenity, despite my "Good Night" earlier, I'm still awake and just read your journal.
A few thoughts, if I may:
Journal~
After talking to my Pastor today, some peace settled within...
He reminded me that once again God has given me an out however he knows that I won't take it right now.
Perhaps the out that God has given you is a gift. And perhaps, just perhaps, you should consider graciously accepting that gift. I don't know: just thinking out loud.Tomorrow I will see my lawyer once again and
see decide where to go from here.
I went to Church and felt heavy, down, broken-hearted, hurt so bad I no longer "feel" anything, devastated beyond any words.
Fight this, woman. Imagine a coat hook at the entrance to the Church. Hang your troubles there just for the time you're inside and experience only positives when you go in. The "cr@p" will be waiting for you on the hook when you come out. And it will probably be lighter for not lugging it in with you to worshipHe watched me throughout the service, he always seems to know when something new has entered the picture and we spoke afterwards and I let him know what has happened this week...
What an attentive, perceptive, loving Pastor he must be!I also told him what happened at the Altar last week.
Good for you. You did it. And gave him something he'll cherish just as he did for you.I felt like I had gotten to the place I didn't want to be at - The place where all is said and done and I just sacrifice my beliefs and give in to H.
Or re-examine some of those beliefs. And face and accept reality. It takes two to profess vows, Serenity. It takes two to honor and keep vows. You are (admittedly admirably, but futilely) doing something that it is impossible, by definition, for one person to do alone. Do you think God wants you to be miserable honoring vows solo while your "H" tramples them, you, and your kids? That's not my God, anyway. He wants you to live a full life of love and joy, not martyrdom.
Look at my sitch: I honored my vows. I honor vows. They are sacred. That's what two do, not one. Mrs. G. didn't - doesn't - honor vows. I will be divorced on January 27th. And I honored my vows. But it is over. She ended it, because a "vow of one" is no vow at all!
Leave that "weakness" outside on that "hook". Go inside the Lord's House for strength. It's there, if nowhere else. When you go inside remember your name: Serenity.I asked him would God tell me when it was time - As long as I believe that time will never come.
And maybe-just maybe - God has been telling you - showing you - it's been over for a long time through absolutely no fault of yours!.Faith and hope are the only things getting me through the day.
And love: of God, of your childrenThe nights are the longest, filled with regrets, remorse, and a bunch of should have, would have and could have...
Pardon me, but how's that working out for you? Stop,"shoulding" all over yourself! Time goes forward, life goes forward. I believe that's how God wants us to live that gift of life: not backwards. Not stagnant. I wonder when black and white turned to gray?
Don't we all? Perhaps in our grief and self-pity we allow it to turn gray,* I wonder when the day will come that I don't climb out of bed terrified of what the day will bring?
* I wonder when the day will come when I can go to my Pastor in joy instead of sorrow?
* I wonder if the darkness will ever lift?
* I wonder when I will ever be able to just hug someone without shaking?
* I wonder when the fear I battle daily will leave?
* I wonder if I will ever not feel as though I am going to shatter at any moment?
* I wonder when the day will come that I can breathe easier once again and look at the world through clear eyes instead of tear filled eyes?
* I wonder when the day will come that I go to the Altar, take my Pastors' hand and don't break down in a teary mess, clinging to his hand so tightly, like he is my lifeline because I feel so unworthy?
* I wonder how to stop feeling like yesterdays garbage?
What's that old 12-Step Program saying" Oh, yeah: "God doesn't make garbage."* I wonder how to take back all my power...The power over my emotions is still being held in my H's hand and I hate it and I can't figure out how to get it back?
* I still wonder why we weren't good enough even though I know by now it isn't about us?
* I wonder if I will ever be able to truly give 100% of myself ever again?
* I wonder if I will ever "feel" loved again?
* Maybe, just maybe, when you decide to. When you, Serenity, stop passively (though understandably) wondering when and start doing now. I wonder all this as I go to sleep at night...
Hand it over to Him at night. He'll take it from you for a few hours, He wants you to rest, to "sleep in heavenly peace."I don't sleep good and then wake up scared each and every single day.
Why aren't you waking up with God, His gifts, and His Strength at your side and in your heart? **Because of the Faith I carry
** and the Hope I have, I realized that all this can go to Him as well.
** Don't "carry" your faith. Practice it. Live it.Today I asked not for a lighter load but for a stronger back.
I'd ask for both . But you've already got them, been promised them:a strong back. And a light burden and easy yoke to take it up with...
(((hugsto you))) as you re-think what God wants for you, His child, and not what you think you must do for Him. In my book, it doesn't work that way. You are nobly choosing Hell on Earth, but choosing it nonetheless. And He doesn't want you to just adhere to man-made rules. Personally, the only rules that I believe should be adhered to are the ten God gave Moses and the two Jesus gave us. I pray you take the difficult, but inevitable choice of choosing life. A new life. For you and your Children. A life of Christian joy, not paralyzed misery.
Besides, there is a good, decent, moral, Christian man out there somewhere praying to meet someone like you who he can cherish. Don't disappoint him. You will find each other, someday.
I hope this all didn't sound harsh. It is not meant to be. It was composed after prayer and with love[ And now I say goodnight again (and go to bed this time! ) 
(((Serenity)))
This is a really quick post because I am running late to get out the door.
We can talk til we are blue in the face but at the end of the day the decision rests with you. What has God spoken to your heart or guided you to do? No, chances are that he won't come down and sit next to you and say do this or do that but he will speak to you.
There is no reason that you can't seek to find peace and joy in your present circumstances while your issues are being resolved in whatever manner you choose to pursue. HAPPINESS IS AN INSIDE JOB. I am not asking you to be a Christian Marytr but remind yourself that your joy does not depend on your H or what is going on in your life.
You have your boys and I am sure that they are a huge source of joy for you despite it all.
I know that your reality is nothing like the dream was.It isn't for many of us. But God can dream a bigger dream for us that we can ever dream for ourselves. There is nothing he can't do. There is no impossible in his dictionary. Seek his will for you and follow it. Keep trusting him and start waking up smiling, girl.
This is a little cheesy but whenever I feel a little down and out spell coming on I say to myself "I am the prize". We are not pining after someone who has gone in a different direction at this stage, Serenity. We are the prize and we are living life.
And you can talk about shoes on my thread as much as you want. That's what friends are for.
Now I am late, so I will check in with you later...
(((Tulsa)))
It is always nice to see a new face on my thread...I believe one day (hopefully soon) these questions and fears will be answered...After a very long night of thinking, I have worked out what needed to be worked out so I will post that shortly. I hope you have a wonderful day! (((Hugs)))
(((Gardener)))
Loving 2x4's my favorite lol...I read your post last night before I went to bed and thanks to what you said, I spent the better part of the night not sleeping and just truly thinking...I have come to some conclusions that you and others may not agree with that I will be posting soon.
(((Kara)))
I love you to pieces and I am thankful you keep me grounded...You (and Gardener) made me do some serious thinking last night and once I was able to get to sleep, I finally slept peacefully and awoke to watch the sunrise...It was freezing outside but I took my coffee out there on the porch and watched God wake up the world - In that moment, my decision had been firmly made.
(((Kara)))
I love you to pieces and I am thankful you keep me grounded...You (and Gardener) made me do some serious thinking last night and once I was able to get to sleep, I finally slept peacefully and awoke to watch the sunrise...It was freezing outside but I took my coffee out there on the porch and watched God wake up the world - In that moment, my decision had been firmly made.
I am so glad to hear that ((((Serenity)))
I am praying for you for the strength and grace to live out the decision you have made.
(((Tulsa)))
It is always nice to see a new face on my thread...
How about an old one?
(((((hugs)))))
Puppy
((((Puppy))))
You will always own a special little corner in my heart and I am always thrilled to see you on my thread.
Journal~Long
It has been almost 11 months since this journey started out.
11 months of heartache and tears.
Devastation and fears.
Anger and resentment have given way to a little peace and contentment.
Cake-eating, projection, blame-shifting, re-writing of marital history, demonizing me, financial ruin, children hurt, loss of self-esteem, loss of self-respect, ego deflated, more self-injury then I care to look back on, scared to move forward, can't move backwards, terrified of being stuck, confusion, disrespect, you name it and I have probably felt it.
I came here to DB in June - A little over 7 months ago...
I have found a wonderful community of people...
People in the same position as me, who while in their pain, choose to help others instead of partaking in their own pity parties.
I choose to be one of them.
I thought a lot last night over the last 11 months...
I thought a lot of the advice and wisdom given to me here as well as from my Pastor...
I thought about the "out" he speaks of...
I thought about my beliefs and whether I needed to adjust them...
The answer is yes I do and yes I have.
I still don't believe in divorce however I also don't believe in being abused and what my H has done to me and our boys is abuse no matter how you look at it.
It is emotional and mental abuse and now we can add financial abuse.
After a long night of thinking and praying and searching, I have come to the conclusion (98% - since I need to talk to my Pastor once again) that I am filing for a divorce.
I am no martyr nor do I want to be.
I have put up with an awful lot in the past year and my trials, troubles and tribulations have given me a strength I never knew I had, patience I never wanted and clarity I have been looking for.
I have increased my Faith like never before and now it is time for my new beginning.
I am no longer looking for that with my H - He may wake up one day and realize what he has done however I am now done.
People kept telling me I would reach a breaking point and I stood firm, a little piece of me still in disbelief that this is the man I married, but to take from our kids is not something I can allow.
I took my rings off this morning & I removed the suffocating guilt I wear around my neck, I looked to the sky and asked for a little more strength for the days ahead.
As for my beliefs, I still believe in love, I still believe in hope, I still believe in the sanctity of marriage, I believe in having honor in all you do, value for yourself above all else, morals you can live with each and everyday...
I believe everyone should live with beliefs, common decency, ethics, goodness, honesty, honor, integrity, principles, standards & values.
I am learning to believe in myself again and I have learned that unconditional love is the most painful love there is.
I will continue to forgive and I will continue to look forward. I never wanted to live in the past and my H seems to think the past is better then the future. My present and my future are a million times better then my past and I chose to no longer look back.
My blessings are out there somewhere and I am going to find them...
Today I no longer settle for silver - Today I am looking for gold.
Will it be easy?
I doubt it but life was never promised to be easy...
Will there be tears along the way? -
Absolutely, but tears are a way to cleanse your soul.
Will I falter along the way?
That is a given however I have Him to pick me up and set me right again.
I will never be alone.
I will never be a doormat again to anyone on the face of this earth.
I will never walk on eggshells for anyone at anytime.
I will never allow a man to take so much from me again.
I will learn that I am worthy - And anyone who comes around is lucky to know me.
I will learn to nurture my self-respect and self-esteem and never allow someone else to do it for me.
I will continue to come here because I just love all you guys and if it wasn't for you all I wouldn't be here right now.
Good luck, Serenity. I think you have made a wise and necessary decision.
Good luck, Serenity. This is a tough decision but based on what you have gone through it seems appropriate.
((((hugs))))
Serenity, it sounds like your head is in a really good place. Wishing you all of the best.
I stand with you Serenity. If you need me find me in the alt. I'll say a prayer for you.
(((Lotus)))
Thank you...I know you are right...It just took me quite some time to get here.
(((Soleil)))
Thank you for your kind words and support.
(((Wifey)))
I still remember that day so long ago when you offered me iron undies - I wish I would have accepted them way back when.
Thank you for everything - You are always in my prayers as well...
(((Kemper)))
Thank you...I think this may have been the toughest decision I have ever made however it has also brought me the most peace.
Serenity,
On Saturday 1/02, I read your journal and replied:
Perhaps the strongest, gutsiest post I've ever read you (or maybe anyone else) post on this board!
For the first time in seven months of reading perhaps thousands of posts I read your journal this morning, sat here...and cried.
God bless you.
(((Gardener)))
No tears my friend....
I didn't want to make anyone sad...
I cried writing it however in my heart, I know it is the right thing to do.
He already has blessed me - In more ways then I can ever describe...
His blessings to you as well.
I didn't want to make anyone sad..
You didn't sadden me. I don't know how to describe it or express it right now. But it wasn't sadness at all.
((((Serenity))))
(((Gardener)))
As long as there is no sadness
I am at peace with my decision...
I still hurt so very much but over time that will grow to something else.
I can't allow him to control me/my emotions anymore...
He will never know the extent of the damage he did by his actions and I am ok with that as well...
I can walk with my head held high knowing I did everything I could to save my marriage and if I die tomorrow, God will know I did my very best and that is the place I needed to get to.
It sounds like the right choice. If it wasn't, you wouldn't be peaceful about it. We're all behind you.
Hugs, Bunny
(((Bunny)))
Thank you my friend for your support.
(((Gardener)))
As long as there is no sadness
Nope.I am at peace with my decision...
Peace. How wonderful.I still hurt so very much but over time that will grow to something else.
YepI can't allow him to control me/my emotions anymore...
Yep. And it will take either continued effort or a single, simple, letting go and releasing it. I'm beginning to discover that the latter works quite well.He will never know the extent of the damage he did by his actions and I am ok with that as well...
And I believe that that damage will heal - and disappear - over time until you (and I and all of us) no longer feel the extent of it. We'll just feel the strength that we gained through enduring it, prevailing, and working so very hard, selflessly - and nobly - through it.I can walk with my head held high knowing I did everything I could to save my marriage and if I die tomorrow, God will know I did my very best and that is the place I needed to get to.
Damn straight. He already knows this. Welcome to this place. I've been here only a short while. It's a pretty good place, actually. And I hear it gets better and better. Every day is a NEW day!
Gardener -
This passage was given to me sometime ago -
If you love someone you will be loyal to him no
matter what the cost.
You will always believe in him,
always expect the best of him,
and always stand your ground in defending him.
This passage is what was stopping me in my tracks.
For the first time, I realized it goes both ways.
...For the first time, I realized it goes both ways.
Which is exactly what I was thinking as I read it! Glad you realized it.
Like I said last night:
one person honoring a sacred vow = no vow.
NOTE TO MODERATORS:
We need a "Standing Ovation" emoticon.
S13, that is as strong, centered and thoughtful "I'm done" post as I think I have ever read on here. You're READY, you are now EQUIPPED, and we will support you however you need us to.
It does not make us anti-marriage to be pro-self-defense. Even Jesus Himself knew when to throw over the moneychangers' tables.
Puppy
Journal~Long
It has been almost 11 months since this journey started out.
11 months of heartache and tears.
Devastation and fears.
Anger and resentment have given way to a little peace and contentment.
Cake-eating, projection, blame-shifting, re-writing of marital history, demonizing me, financial ruin, children hurt, loss of self-esteem, loss of self-respect, ego deflated, more self-injury then I care to look back on, scared to move forward, can't move backwards, terrified of being stuck, confusion, disrespect, you name it and I have probably felt it.
I came here to DB in June - A little over 7 months ago...
I have found a wonderful community of people...
People in the same position as me, who while in their pain, choose to help others instead of partaking in their own pity parties.
I choose to be one of them.
I thought a lot last night over the last 11 months...
I thought a lot of the advice and wisdom given to me here as well as from my Pastor...
I thought about the "out" he speaks of...
I thought about my beliefs and whether I needed to adjust them...
The answer is yes I do and yes I have.
I still don't believe in divorce however I also don't believe in being abused and what my H has done to me and our boys is abuse no matter how you look at it.
It is emotional and mental abuse and now we can add financial abuse.
After a long night of thinking and praying and searching, I have come to the conclusion (98% - since I need to talk to my Pastor once again) that I am filing for a divorce.
I am no martyr nor do I want to be.
I have put up with an awful lot in the past year and my trials, troubles and tribulations have given me a strength I never knew I had, patience I never wanted and clarity I have been looking for.
I have increased my Faith like never before and now it is time for my new beginning.
I am no longer looking for that with my H - He may wake up one day and realize what he has done however I am now done.
People kept telling me I would reach a breaking point and I stood firm, a little piece of me still in disbelief that this is the man I married, but to take from our kids is not something I can allow.
I took my rings off this morning & I removed the suffocating guilt I wear around my neck, I looked to the sky and asked for a little more strength for the days ahead.
As for my beliefs, I still believe in love, I still believe in hope, I still believe in the sanctity of marriage, I believe in having honor in all you do, value for yourself above all else, morals you can live with each and everyday...
I believe everyone should live with beliefs, common decency, ethics, goodness, honesty, honor, integrity, principles, standards & values.
I am learning to believe in myself again and I have learned that unconditional love is the most painful love there is.
I will continue to forgive and I will continue to look forward. I never wanted to live in the past and my H seems to think the past is better then the future. My present and my future are a million times better then my past and I chose to no longer look back.
My blessings are out there somewhere and I am going to find them...
Today I no longer settle for silver - Today I am looking for gold.
Will it be easy?
I doubt it but life was never promised to be easy...
Will there be tears along the way? -
Absolutely, but tears are a way to cleanse your soul.
Will I falter along the way?
That is a given however I have Him to pick me up and set me right again.
I will never be alone.
I will never be a doormat again to anyone on the face of this earth.
I will never walk on eggshells for anyone at anytime.
I will never allow a man to take so much from me again.
I will learn that I am worthy - And anyone who comes around is lucky to know me.
I will learn to nurture my self-respect and self-esteem and never allow someone else to do it for me.
I will continue to come here because I just love all you guys and if it wasn't for you all I wouldn't be here right now.
Puppy
Gardener~
You broke me last night my friend -
Never have you been harsh to me and while they were loving, damn if you didn't give me a lot of 2x4's lol...
Your words hurt to read and hurt even more to implement...
I had to "re-think what He wants for me and not what I must do for Him". Your words - Such truth in that one sentence.
What He wants for me - I should have that tattooed somewhere.
(((Puppy)))
The one man who can bring me to tears with the way you care about me.
I ment what I said about the little "Puppy corner" in my heart -
You my friend are one of God's greatest treasures and I have been blessed beyond measure to know you...
And 4 whistles - Yay me!
I'd've given you five, but being a heartless white male conservative, y'know, I don't believe in "grade inflation" . . .
LOL...
Laughter through tears -
I love it.
Heartless is never a word I would use to describe you...
Far from it.
Here is a whisper from me to you - Is it ok that I am terrified at this point?
I'd be seriously worried about you if you weren't.
Someone called me "courageous" at one point during my sitch. Or maybe it was "brave" -- can't remember. I disagreed with them, and told them I was terrified. He told me "Courage is when you are completely terrified . . . and press on with what you have to do nonetheless."
So true.
Puppy
Serenity,
Here is a whisper from me to you - Is it ok that I am terrified at this point?
Couldn't help but overhear that one
You
bet it is! I am!
But I've decided to fight it off by doing the exact opposite.
Go to my new home,
Soaring Solo 2010 over at
Surviving The Big D and see what I mean.
You can do the same thing. And with
your faith and strength, you'll do it even better!
Now I feel better -
I thought once I made the decision & felt the peace, then my emotions would return to normal but I feel like I did back on day one with them swirling all over the place.
Serenity,
Gardener~
You broke me last night my friend -
Never have you been harsh to me and while they were loving, damn if you didn't give me a lot of 2x4's lol...
Your words hurt to read and hurt even more to implement...
I had to "re-think what He wants for me and not what I must do for Him". Your words - Such truth in that one sentence.
What He wants for me - I should have that tattooed somewhere.
I am honored and humbled by that.
And honored to call you my friend.
Love,
It's not a smooth upward arc you're seeking -- you're going to have ups and downs.
Someone once said about the stock market (and I think it applies to DBing, and Life, as well):
"It's like a man walking up a staircase, playing with a yo-yo. Don't focus on the yo-yo, going up and down. Focus on the overall direction the man is walking -- up or down."
Walk UP, woman. And don't let the downward yo-yo days get you down.
Puppy
Now I feel better -
I thought once I made the decision & felt the peace, then my emotions would return to normal but I feel like I did back on day one with them swirling all over the place.
Good. It means you're normal.
Hi Serenity,
Been reading along and relate strongly to your awakening and your desire to move on. You expressed it so poignantly, so beautifully. I'm right there with you!
The road forward, although challenging can only be easier. I liken the road we have travelled to one covered in snow which we have slowly but determinedly trudged through and constantly shovelled. There's been pot holes and detours and other debis in the way.
However, now it's still snowing but the deluge is over, although the road is still slippery. We travel cautiously but we can be more surefooted and more optimistic that the road ahead will be clearer still.
Up ahead we can see the days of winter giving way to a new season; the melting snow, the tiny green buds, the blossoming flowers and the rising sun show us that spring is in the air. Our spring is alive with the joy of so many new and rich possibilities.
Travel this path with confidence in your step and your eyes open for as you know the first signs of spring are already there!
Cas
(((Gardener)))
Nice to know I am not alone in my feelings...
Emotionally I am all over the map today...
I don't want to disappoint Him number one...
I don't want to be the "bad guy" in the eyes of my children...
It isn't that I don't care what others think, I need to do what is best for me and them.
The constant chatter from others around me has eased finally however no one but you all knows of my decision and I plan to keep it that way for a few days...I don't need more chatter.
However as I sit here and think because you know that's what I do when I am at work as opposed to...I don't know...Working lol, I know in my heart I will be ok...
There is still a very small part of me that wants to work it out and I am never one for closing any doors so who knows what the future holds.
All I do know is I am going to start treasuring myself more, honoring myself more & respecting myself more...
Someone once told me I was a jewel in His crown (yep I did - I told myself that cause I am awesome like that
) and I need to start shining like that jewel.
I am my friend - As Kara said - I am the prize
(((Gardener)))
And honored to call you my friend.
The honor is all mine.
For you ~
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls for he has no one to help him up.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
((((Serenity))))
Reading your post about your decision made me cry. At work!!! I had to shut the door to my office and collect myself.
I know how much you wanted another outcome and I know that this decision was not taken lightly. I was so moved by your words that I am now at a loss for words.
You will make it. You are blessed and a blessing. I hope you don't leave these Boards because we need our Serenity (crying again, mascara running,looking like a racoon).
Oh, when I get my thoughts together I will post to you again.
We would never question your decision. You are the one walking in your shoes (shoes again!) and you feel the pinch. You are a very strong woman and don't ever believe otherwise for a second.
(((Cas)))
Thank you for coming and sharing your kind words with me.
We travel cautiously but we can be more surefooted and more optimistic that the road ahead will be clearer still.
Up ahead we can see the days of winter giving way to a new season; the melting snow, the tiny green buds, the blossoming flowers and the rising sun show us that spring is in the air. Our spring is alive with the joy of so many new and rich possibilities.
This was an absolutely beautiful way to put it! I am going to print this out and hang it on my computer so when I second guess myself (which I am very prone to do) I will read your words, close my eyes and form the mental picture in my mind.
(((Hugs)))
(((Kara)))
Another one crying - Y'all are gonna make me feel bad.
You are right my friend - This wasn't the outcome I wanted however after recent events, I knew I needed to protect my boys before anything else.
However like I said before, I am not one to close any doors and who knows what the future holds.
I am not going anywhere anytime soon - Who would help me expand my shoe fetish?
Go clean up your raccoon eyes, finish your work (which is more then I have done today BTW lol), have a great rest of the day at work and know I will still be here when you get off work.
(((Hugs)))
Serenity<
(((Gardener)))
And honored to call you my friend.
The honor is all mine.
For you ~
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls for he has no one to help him up.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
Thank you.
For YOU!:I had these lyrics framed and hanging in my bedroom for months. It represented my goal. Haven't looked at or read them for a while. Mary Chapin Carpenter: my favorite singer/songwriter. Today I re-read them. I believe I made it to the beginning of my goal, finally!
You did, too!
www.rhapsody.com/mary-chapin-carpenter/the-callingClick on track 13's title, "Bright Morning Star", if it doesn';t play within a few seconds, then click the play arrow to the left of it. I believe they only let you play the entire song free one time.Bright Morning Starby Mary Chapin Carpenter
Last night I dreamed my head was in a fever
Last night I dreamed it never was so far
To reach a shore of safety and redemption
And to gaze upon a bright morning star
I dreamed I was by friends all but abandoned
I dreamed I was alone but for my scars
And blinded by the tears that fell like water
No more to see my bright morning star
The streets of dreams never looked this lonely
The streets of dreams never felt this hard
I heard my voice barely of a whisper
As the clouds denied a bright morning star
Sometimes this life is no more than a moment
And sometimes the light is lost unto the dark
But courage hears the sound of dawn approaching
And each our own bright morning star
I woke to find every window open
I woke to find the heavy door ajar
And I walked outside and stood upon the hilltop
And gazed once more on a bright morning star
I walked outside and every bird was singing
As I found again my bright morning star
_________________________
((((Serenity))))
You made me cry too! But not out of sadness... because your strength is so inspiring! Because you are handling yourself with such grace and dignity! Because you have a way with words that speaks to the deepest places of the heart that any of us who have struggled with this decision can understand... on a "heart" level.
OK... now I have to get back to work too!
But first, I want you to know that I am praying for you, for the peace that came with that decision to soften the rollercoaster of emotions you are feeling.... for the peace that surpasses understanding to settle in your heart and mind today.
Oh Gardener....
What beautiful lyrics - What a beautiful song - You made me cry twice in as many days - Now Kara and I both have raccoon eyes at work.
I dreamed I was by friends all but abandoned
I dreamed I was alone but for my scars
And blinded by the tears that fell like water
No more to see my bright morning star
And that is how I feel when I lay my head down at night.
Serenity,
I wasn't crying out of sadness,so don't feel badly. I guess your way of expressing yourself was so moving. And because I know that your boys are always uppermost in your thoughts. I could feel the love and strength coming through.
Anyhow (fixing makeup at desk), racoon eyes are sooooo not good at work, so getting it together.
What beautiful lyrics - What a beautiful song - You made me cry twice in as many days - Now Kara and I both have raccoon eyes at work.
That would be three of us....lol
((((Rocked))))
Your words took my breath away my friend and left me in tears once again...
Thank you.
No one has ever spoken to me quite like that - Spoken to my heart like that - I would hug you to pieces if you were standing in front of me...
Then we can get Kara and go shoe shopping
You are always in my prayers my friend - Never going to change.
Girls we are a mess today lol...
But as I have learned it is a good mess...
Lucky for me I work in an internet based business so no one sees me crying unless I step outside my office.
OK, it's getting like an Oprah episode around here now. I need to go eat some ribs, or scratch myself, or tune up a car or something . . .
Puppy
I think I may have to go throw up....
(((((Serenity)))))
Serenity,
I dreamed I was by friends all but abandoned
I dreamed I was alone but for my scars
And blinded by the tears that fell like water
No more to see my bright morning star
And that is how I feel when I lay my head down at night.
prefer to picture you like this:
I finally slept peacefully and awoke to watch the sunrise...It was freezing outside but I took my coffee out there on the porch and watched God wake up the world - In that moment, my decision had been firmly made.
when I read and listen to this:
I woke to find every window open
I woke to find the heavy door ajar
And I walked outside and stood upon the hilltop
And gazed once more on a bright morning star
I walked outside and every bird was singing
As I found again my bright morning star
PDT and VH
You guys are funny. An Oprah episode? LOL!!!
LOL...
Don't forget to fart on the way to getting the ribs
(((VH)))
And me being kind and thoughtful will hold your hair back for you.
Seriously, it's these people, and a bunch like them, that keep me coming back here.
You are lucky, my hair (what's left of it) is pretty short.
VH ~
You have to love this place...
Love these people -
I would never have gotten where I am today without them.
((((Gardener))))
I much rather like your version of me then my version of myself.
You are such a good friend.
You are such a good man.
Don't ever let anyone tell you different.
(((Hugs)))
OK, it's getting like an Oprah episode around here now. I need to go eat some ribs, or scratch myself, or tune up a car or something . . .
Puppy
And Gardener's coveted
Belly-Laugh Of The Day Award goes to...Puppy!!
*Clapping for Puppy*
Serenity,
It sounds like you have reached a better place. And I wish you all the luck in the world. I will continue to pray for you, as I do for all those here. For a much better place for all of us.
OK, it's getting like an Oprah episode around here now. I need to go eat some ribs, or scratch myself, or tune up a car or something . . .
Puppy
And Gardener's coveted
Belly-Laugh Of The Day Award goes to...Puppy!!
Got my vote too!
(((GIMA)))
Thank you for your kind words...
Thank you for your prayers...
You all are always in my prayers as are the spouses that walked away...
Maybe someday soon these prodigal spouses will remove the blinders from their eyes and return home...
That is my wish for us all.
(((GIMA)))
Thank you for your kind words...
Thank you for your prayers...
You all are always in my prayers as are the spouses that walked away...
Maybe someday soon these prodigal spouses will remove the blinders from their eyes and return home...That is my wish for us all.
I think one day they will figure it out...too late.
(((GIMA)))
I think one day they will figure it out...too late
I agree you may be right...
I won't shut the door on a relationship with my H in the future however I have had 11 months to figure out what I want in a mate...
He had 22 years to get it right and for whatever reason, I just wasn't good enough from the get go and for whatever reason, I never saw it.
(((GIMA)))
I think one day they will figure it out...too late
I agree you may be right...
I won't shut the door on a relationship with my H in the future however I have had 11 months to figure out what I want in a mate...
He had 22 years to get it right and for whatever reason, I just wasn't good enough from the get go and for whatever reason, I never saw it.
Sounds like we are on the same plan. I will remain open to a R with my W, but I am no longer waiting on her to figure that out. She's had over 8 months now, adn all I have heard is "nothing has changed" in her mind.
No longer waiting on something that should have never happened to begin with is the way I am trying to look at it...
Patience has never been one of my stronger suits so the fact that I am still here many moons later says something lol.
I hear the same thing you hear...I also get I love you's thrown in the mix...I think he does that to keep me off balance...
This whole situation just sucks however so many good things have come out of it as well, so I am grateful for the opportunity that God gave me to take this journey.
Serenity,
Maybe someday soon these prodigal spouses will remove the blinders from their eyes
As I've posted several times in the past, "I
will be fine again but I'm afraid my former friend is in for a big fall, eventually."
and return home..That is my wish for us all.
Alas, for me at least, it will be too late by then for that (in fact, it is already).
Sleep well, tonight, Serenity.
(((Gardener)))
I slept in heavenly peace and you put it yesterday...
I awoke and watched the sunrise again then with joy in my heart and a lighter step, I set about my day...
I am leaving for a bit...I have to go see my lawyer today so send up a prayer for me.
Have a wonderful blessed day.
so send up a prayer for me
Done.
(((GIMA)))
Thank you my friend.
Quick Journal~
Couldn't see the lawyer today so I made my way to Child Support division to let them know what has happened recently...
Because everything has been held up with the lack of birth certificate for my oldest, she said there wasn't anything they could really do...
The state doesn't have "emergency child support"...
After some consideration, she asked her supervisor if they could use my marriage license until the birth certificate comes in - Yep we can...
So I will drop that off tomorrow and we go from there...
I found out that the money will be pulled directly from his check before he is even paid so no need to worry about him whining that he doesn't have the money this month...
It will also go back to the day he walked out...
She asked if I kept a record of what he has given me - I had to chuckle since he doesn't
give me anything...
She asked me how I was getting money before and I explained "the race to the bank" on payday...
That was her turn to chuckle...
She then let me know they are there to help turn this around for me.
I've got to say....
I don't like that here I don't have any choice, I get to have CS taken from my check, give the state a couple dollars to process it, and have them send it to XW. (At least that's how it is supposed to work, it hasn't actually happened yet!) That said, when I read about things like this.... well, I guess the bad apples do spoil it for everyone else, but it seems better than the alternative.
(((((Serenity)))))
Nice to see you again Jeff...
People kept telling me FL doesn't play when it come to child support so I am guessing this is what they mean.
Because my H works for a prominent company as well as being retired military, he has no escape.
This was never where I wanted to be and it took me a very long time, a lot of soul-searching and numerous prayers to get to this place.
On a daily basis I doubt myself, I question myself, I feel suffocating guilt all day, everyday and there is still that stupid piece inside of me that is screaming at me "Do you know what he is going to do when he finds out you did this?"
Yes, I will admit it, I still care how he is going to react however I push through that because it shouldn't matter to me...
He left, he cheated, he did all this - Not me...I honored God, my husband, our vows and myself...
I was willing to do the work to repair the damage I didn't even know about because my H didn't have the balls to come to me before throwing it all away.
So if he is a little uncomfortable on a monthly basis that is the price he gets to pay for his "newfound freedom", and eventually I will be able to look forward to a day with no guilt.
(((Hugs)))
Quick Journal~
Couldn't see the lawyer today so I made my way to Child Support division to let them know what has happened recently...
Because everything has been held up with the lack of birth certificate for my oldest, she said there wasn't anything they could really do...
The state doesn't have "emergency child support"...
After some consideration, she asked her supervisor if they could use my marriage license until the birth certificate comes in - Yep we can...
So I will drop that off tomorrow and we go from there...
I found out that the money will be pulled directly from his check before he is even paid so no need to worry about him whining that he doesn't have the money this month...
It will also go back to the day he walked out...
She asked if I kept a record of what he has given me - I had to chuckle since he doesn't
give me anything...
She asked me how I was getting money before and I explained "the race to the bank" on payday...
That was her turn to chuckle...
She then let me know they are there to help turn this around for me.
This whole post just made me smile.
Puppy
Serenity,
I am sorry I have not been here for the past month. I see that I have missed a lot. I wish you the best. My W does too. She asked me about you last night; that is what prompted me to come hear today. You are doing so well.
Take care,
-T
On a daily basis I doubt myself, I question myself, I feel suffocating guilt all day, everyday and there is still that stupid piece inside of me that is screaming at me "Do you know what he is going to do when he finds out you did this?"
Yes, I will admit it, I still care how he is going to react however I push through that because it shouldn't matter to me...
He left, he cheated, he did all this - Not me...I honored God, my husband, our vows and myself...
I was willing to do the work to repair the damage I didn't even know about because my H didn't have the balls to come to me before throwing it all away.
So if he is a little uncomfortable on a monthly basis that is the price he gets to pay for his "newfound freedom", and eventually I will be able to look forward to a day with no guilt.
As I like to say around here,
"Consequences."Puppy
(((Tristan)))
It is always nice to see you and I am hoping and praying for nothing but the best for you and your wife. I think of you often and always smile to know that no news is good news.
Please don't apologize ever - You are working on your marriage and making it better for you and your wife - No one least of all me would fault you for not being here on a daily basis.
(((Hugs to you and your wife))))
((Puppy))))
You always have the right thing to say my friend.
I have to tell you - Today has been a rather good day for me...
I feel about 50lbs lighter emotionally...
I haven't done much work today but that is ok...
I have smiled almost all day...
Very hard to picture that because if you know me IRL, you know I am not a smiley type of person...
Princess of Darkness is what my family has always called me...
Not today...
The sunrise was beautiful, my coffee was perfect, it is bitterly cold (ie: 10 degrees when I left for work this am) up here as I am sure you are down there and still nothing is detering me from moving along at my pace...
I have vowed to get back in touch with some of my old girl-friends and also make some new friends...
I have vowed to laugh more and cry less...
I am so - I can't describe it however I could almost skip...
Yes - I am for the first time (write it down) speechless.
A smile says a thousand words S.
Geez something is seriously up with me today...
My brother and I have been texting back and forth today and I let him know of the decision I made yesterday...
Him being my brother and knowing me well knew the decision was a very hard one that I have struggled with for some time...
So he says to me "I know it wasn't an easy decision, probably one of the toughest ones of your life...How do you feel about it?"
My response...Time won't wait for me and someone out there is very lucky his prayer is going to be answered.
His response - Crickets - Because that was so unlike me.
I am such a dork today
(((Cutter)))
So true...How are you doing BTW? I haven't seen you in a couple of days - You ok?
(((Serenity)))
I am glad to hear that you had a good day today.
I am just posting quickly as it has been a very long day and I am tired.
Talk to you later.
(((Cutter)))
So true...How are you doing BTW? I haven't seen you in a couple of days - You ok?
Heh. I have posted a ton lately. Must be the sand...
Go see....
Serenity,
Such a sweet person. Someone IS going to be lucky.
(((Kara)))
I hope your day today is wonderful...
Filled with excitement, peace and maybe a new pair of shoes.
(((Cutter)))
I will search you out and see what you have been up to.
(((Tulsa)))
Thank you for your kind words - I was hoping my "dork post" would have been lost in the mix however I see you saw it lol.
Have a wonderful day.
Mini-Update - Oh who am I kidding - I can't "mini" anything when I am posting...
I spoke to my MIL last night and informed her of my decision to file...
She doesn't want me to do it...
She wants me to take my H for whatever I can financially for the boys however she wants me to leave the filing up to him...
If I file, I give him what he wants...
He wants the divorce however doesn't want to be the "bad guy" so he pushes and pushes until he gets what he wants, the way he wants it - That is how he is in his life generally.
If I file, I take the control he doesn't want and then he still looks like the "good guy"...
He can then tell the kids, the family, the friends, the gophers in the yard, the aliens that visit him at night etc...I filed for the divorce and that he was willing to work on it had I given him a little more time.
Now, after speaking to her, I am second guessing myself and wondering - I hate confusion where there used to be clarity.
Serenity,
You need to do what is best for you and the kids. Let H fend for himself. He has to start wearing big boy boxers sometime.
Also, MIL means well, but she is probably a little biased too.
Mo3
Good guy... Bad guy.... Ummmhuh... Do not even give that one minute of thought.
Do what is best for you.
Its a piece of paper. And you know what if wants to spend his life explaining his actions, and dishing out spite and hiding himself from the truth... So be it. His loss.
I know a woman who is going to spend her life growing and learning and becoming the best Serinity there is.
The gophers might care who filed, in the fullness of time no one else will give a hoot. Most of the time it's really a joint decision, even if both parties don't want to admit it.
In my mind, he doesn't think you will file, so he is more of less trying to manipulate the situation. I think there's no time like the present to put a stop to that.
If it's not what he wants, he can step up after you file as easily as before.
He can then tell the kids, the family, the friends, the gophers in the yard, the aliens that visit him at night etc...I filed for the divorce and that he was willing to work on it had I given him a little more time.
Filing does not stop either of you from working on the marriage. Coach and Greek are a testament to that.
(((Tristan)))
Twice in as many days? - Who says I am not blessed
I forgot about Greek & Coach and their sitch so I thank you for the reminder...
I am going to go with my gut and with the guiding hand from Above.
(((VH)))
Your dry sense of humor cracks me up - Truth be known - I have never seen a gopher in my life except in the movie Caddyshack however it seems appropriate at this time.
You are correct - He doesn't think I will do anything because I love him...While I do love him, I love myself a little bit more everyday, so as my mentor says - "Consequences".
(((MO3)))
Amen my friend. By now he is probably sporting a thong *shudders*.
As for my MIL - I can't say that because she has been on my side from day 1 and has washed her hands of him as has his Sister and Brother...
She is most concerned with my well being and the stability of the boys so that is why she said take him for every dime I can.
(((Cutter)))
Always a pleasure when you visit.
I am going to follow my gut and do what "I" think is the right thing to do.
I am going to do what I feel He wants me to do.
I am going to be awesome once this is all over.
I feel like a big pile of marble on the threshold of being carved into something fantastic...
Each day for the last 11 months a little more has been chipped away...
Some days there was more chipping then other days...
Carve, carve, carve...
Look what is being formed...
Emotions I haven't touch on in years, beliefs grounded in my God, Faith that grows by the minute, relationships being cultivated in a way they should have been from the get go, joy from the smallest details in life that others sometimes ignore, taking time to do things for me...
Carve, carve, carve...
What is that sound? Laughter, something people around her haven't heard in a long time, whispers in the dark to her little one who is still scared, sacred talks with her and her older one...
Carve, carve, carve...
People see her, she looks different now...What is the change? Weight is lost, hair is longer, eyes are shining bright, head held high, is that a smile on her face when before she just scowled? Is she actually skipping? My gosh she sure the hell is.
Carve, carve, carve...
What is happening now? She is still changing...She is still growing...One day soon, she is going to be something absolutely wonderful...
And that is how I see myself now.
When are you going to start that book?
The sculpture sounds incredible!
(((VH)))
As soon as I can.
As for the sculpture - She is.
Wow!
I love the analogy of the sculpture. Your way with words...amazing!
I agree with Jeff... wondering when the book is coming out?
((((Serenity))))) You already ARE amazing!
[quote=Serenity13]Quick Journal~
Couldn't see the lawyer today so I made my way to Child Support division to let them know what has happened recently...
Because everything has been held up with the lack of birth certificate for my oldest, she said there wasn't anything they could really do...
The state doesn't have "emergency child support"...
After some consideration, she asked her supervisor if they could use my marriage license until the birth certificate comes in - Yep we can...
Great! And I imagine you've already submitted the request to the state for the BC?So I will drop that off tomorrow and we go from there...
I found out that the money will be pulled directly from his check before he is even paid so no need to worry about him whining that he doesn't have the money this month...
HA!!It will also go back to the day he walked out...
Double HA!!She then let me know they are there to help turn this around for me.
Hooray, Serenity!
(((Rocked)))
Thank you for your kind words my friend...
The story is forming daily, I am not sure how to start though...
I write based on emotion (as you can probably tell lol) and once I start, I can't seem to stop...
I think once I get a house and my own computer back, then look out world.
((((Hugs))))
You ARE just as amazing!
(((Gardener)))
Always a pleasure to see you...
I did order the BC about 3 weeks ago and will give them a copy as soon as it comes in...
I did go today and dropped off a copy of my ML and she then handed me a financial affidavit to fill out, get notarized and turn back in tomorrow...
I did it tonight with a little help from my Dad, looked at the top and it says I am the petitioner and I started crying.
Let the tears ride then put my ipod on and just chilled for a bit.
I went outside for a bit and found myself dancing in the (very) cold, under the moonlight...
Better be careful with this newfound happy person or my famiy may commit me.
(((Gardener)))
Always a pleasure to see you...
I did order the BC about 3 weeks ago and will give them a copy as soon as it comes in...
I did go today and dropped off a copy of my ML and she then handed me a financial affidavit to fill out, get notarized and turn back in tomorrow...
I did it tonight with a little help from my Dad, looked at the top and it says I am the petitioner and I started crying.
Understandable.Let the tears ride then put my ipod on and just chilled for a bit.
Good.I went outside for a bit and found myself dancing in the (very) cold, under the moonlight...
Ha! I can just picture it! Though I never would have imagined it just a few short weeks ago!
Better be careful with this newfound happy person or my famiy may commit me.
I never would have either my friend...
Never would I have thought I would actually be happy at a time like this, but damn if I don't feel like I am being carried right now through this mess...
Like my feet no longer hit the ground - And that right there was worth all the pain & turmoil I have felt.
Have a wonderful night...Sleep well and peaceful dreams.
(((Hugs)))
A thought ~
I just figured out what I couldn't put my finger on yesterday...
I said "I feel - Nevermind because I can't put into words how I feel" (or something along those lines)
So anyway...I am sitting here and the word is right in front of me - I am (finally) detached...
I. Am. Detached. (Will confirm this w/a veteran just to make sure)
Yay me
*doing a mini jig* (not outside though because it is flippen cold)
Cold? In Florida? If you want to feel cold, head my way (North).
I will dance a victory jig with you, but not outside. I would prefer in front of the fire place.
(((MO3)))
Normally not to bad here but yesterday when I got up it was 10 - TEN degrees...Are you kidding me? That is torture to us that live in the Sunshine State lol!
We are predicted to have snow tomorrow - Yes you read that right lmao... People here are freakin out.
Wow! What a snowflake or two? Do Florida natives even know how to build a snowman?
Stay warm. If you need some snow boots or mittens I have some that I can loan you.
(((MO3)))
LOL...
Thanks for the offer of boots/mittens...
I actually have both so all is good...
It never did snow but man was it brutally cold...
I got up this morning and it was 15 with the wind chill factored in...
I think the town would shut down if it did actually snow...
Hope all is good and you are having a wonderful day!
Puppy~
I have a quick question for you...
As you know H has cut us off financially...
The last few days I have started getting mail of his saying he isn't paying some of his bills...
He has changed his address though not to where he lives but to where I live so I get all his crap...
Do I tell him I have been getting these bills/send them to him/toss them etc...?
These bills are A related and my name isn't anywhere on any of them. (ie: the loans he took out to set up his new life)
H just texted me (I haven't responded yet)...
He wants the boys on Sunday to take them bowling...
Every fiber in me says no because of what he has done recently...
I know legally I can't keep him from seeing them but I just want to tell him, "until you start providing support for them you won't see them".
My day was going well until now.
I can totally see why you feel that way. Totally.
Still ... the boys aren't like a car he didn't keep up payments on.....
Bottom line: What do you think would be best for *them*?
I don't know. I can't answer. But it always pains me to think about children feeling rejected by a parent, and here he is wanting to spend time .....
I know you'll make the right decision (whatever that is), and I'm so pleased to hear how strong you've been sounding lately and how you've been taking care of business. Good for you.
(((Kett)))
Thank you for your input...
As usual I swallowed my feelings for them and laid down the boundaries for him to follow...
I would never keep the boys from their Dad, hell it is a fight for me to get him to even see them...
I just don't understand why he can't be a little more consistent...
Why it is always on "his" time?...
He thinks it is ok to just throw it out there every few weeks and OMG I am supposed to bow down and cater to him...
I don't feel strong at all today and that happens every time I have to have any interaction with him...
I would rather tell him to piss up a rope and leave us alone because what he is doing is more damaging then just ignoring us...
Just ignore my little vent here - I am not jumping on you at all, I am just upset at the moment.
I can totally see why you feel that way. Totally.
Still ... the boys aren't like a car he didn't keep up payments on.....
Bottom line: What do you think would be best for *them*?
I don't know. I can't answer. But it always pains me to think about children feeling rejected by a parent, and here he is wanting to spend time .....
I know you'll make the right decision (whatever that is), and I'm so pleased to hear how strong you've been sounding lately and how you've been taking care of business. Good for you.
This.^..
As for the bills, I'd just write "NOT AT THIS ADDRESS" on them, and leave them for the mailman to pick back up. But that's just me. You're certainly under no obligation to help them find him, or to help HIM get them.
Puppy
Thanks Puppy...
I can do that...
I did intercept his W2 as well as documented proof that he changed his bank so I kept those for now...
Found out that he hasn't filed for D because that way he doesn't have to pay CS until it is said and done.
My sister just said to me - "God at any moment now you have got to turn into a b***h".
What a down day this has become...
I did intercept his W2 as well as documented proof that he changed his bank so I kept those for now...
Good moves. 'Course, if you tell anyone I said that, I'll have to kill you.
LMAO - Your secret is safe with me.
(((Hugs)))
Thank you Puppy.
Journal ~
I feel off today - I don't know why.
Between working 6 days a week and trying to make time for the boys as well as do everything that used to take the 2 of us, I don't have a moment to myself anymore...
I am so tired & so drained - Mentally, physically and emotionally.
Everyone around me treats me like I am about to shatter - Worried if the next thing is going to send me off to the looney bin.
I swear if one more person asks me if I took my meds today I may just punch them in the throat.
Yes I am medicated however that doesn't mean I can't have a down day - I still have emotions, a whole range of them that overcome me each and everyday.
For the past couple of days the unfairness of the sitch has taken over in each thing I do...
Resentment has creeped in - Anger is sitting on the threshold...
I am mad that I have to do everything.
I am mad he just walked out without looking back.
I am mad he gets to be the "disneyland" Dad and I am nothing but a b***h.
I am mad I can't go to the bathroom by myself.
I am mad I can't leave the house without my little one having a meltdown for fear I won't come back.
I am mad I don't have answers.
I am mad he doesn't care - How do you build something for 20 years and then destroy it without a care in the world?
I am mad that I see so many spouses doing this each and everyday.
I am mad I spent hours helping a friend out of suicide last night because her SO did this to her 1 month ago and she didn't deserve this.
I am mad at myself because sometimes suicide seems like the better route then the undescribable daily pain.
I am mad at another friend whose H did this to her and she has taken the wrong road in dealing with it (ie: massive amounts of sex partners, drugs, drinking etc...)
I am mad that my H feels like he is a worthy parent because he is spending 3 whole hours with the boys tomorrow - Big friggen whoop.
I am mad that the "karma bus" hasn't run these wandering spouses over by now and the pain is dragged on and on and on until the LBS has no choice but to hit rock bottom and then go from there.
I am mad that no matter what I do, I can't seem to "desensitize" myself to the pain I carry.
I am mad when I hear people say "Get over it, it has been such and such days/months/years".
I am mad that I chose this prison I am now in.
I am mad I don't have much Faith in myself and the choices I have made.
I am mad that even after everything my H has done, I still love him with my whole heart because quite frankly, it would be easier if I could hate him.
So yes today, I am mad and I am unbelievably sad...I would like nothing better then a couple of hours to sort through my emotions however I can't because everyone wants something from me and all I want to do is crawl into a corner and hide from the world.
Serenity, I know you are a praying person. So now is time to pray, and don't forget to whenever you are feeling the way you are now.
Serenity,
I am sorry. It is unfair and you have every right to be angry. Take the moment and let the anger run through you. Then think about what you can control in your sitch and understand that you have been doing a wonderful job handling it. Embrace your emotions, then overcome them.
-T
By the way, I do think that is what you were doing by typing that.
Serenity,
It's hard to see it, but anger is actually a step forward and a sign you are doing better overall. The low end of emotions is despair/depression/hopelessness; anger is higher on the scale. Is it a place you want to stay? No, but to visit it for a while with *no* apologies or tearing yourself up about it is HEALTHY.
Anger is a normal, natural, human emotion!
My suggestion: Go on a rampage of anger. Get out your journal, and write everything you're angry about, and everything you hate about your sitch/H. DON'T CENSOR! Whatever comes, just write it. I did this exercise about my mother after a pretty tense visit (we're not very close anyway), and I wrote things like I hated the way she chewed her food. Sounds ridiculous, but I wrote it along with other more normal things.
This may take days or even weeks. Keep that journal with you, and when you find that anger bubbling up, write it some more. Write it until it's all out of you and on the page.
After that, you have some choices. I suggest burning all the pages once you think you've gotten it all out. It's symbolic, but rituals do help us. Whatever you do, don't reread it more than once, and don't hang on to it. Let the pages go once you've moved through the anger.
If you find it pops up again, repeat the process. This is part of cleansing and of getting those thoughts symbolically out of your body. Imagine that you're giving all those angry feelings to God as you write them.
I think you're doing great. Remember, you ARE human!
You have grown so strong and smart during your time here, and you are going to come out the other side of this better off for the experience. And I promise you, someday you WILL look back and find the gift of this experience.
SD
Serenity.
That was a beautiful post. Your a beautiful woman. I am honoured and I feel privillaged to read your thoughts.
Thank you so much for sharing them.
You can express thoughts very well.
cutter
(((Serenity)))
You work 6 days a week? Wow.
What SD said. Anger is normal and healthy and must run its course. Then you can move on to the next stage. I don't believe in stifling anger but in finding a healthy, safe, responsible way to express it.
I understand that your little one has separation anxiety issues but is there any way you can get away for even just an hour and do something nice and mood boosting for yourself? It can be whatever works for you.
PRACTICAL TIP - lavender is great for calming you down. Get some lavender essential oil and put it on cotton balls around the room . Or put a few drops in you bath water. You will feel calmer and better.
Serenity,
Wow. I know those thoughts. You're not alone in them.
Just like you Serenity I have for the first time been feeling anger. I could so relate to your post and the difficulties you are facing. Up until now, I've just felt hurt. We have to realise and accept anger is part of the process. Eventually all these little steps will enable us to be renewed people.
Journal ~
I feel off today - I don't know why.
Between working 6 days a week and trying to make time for the boys as well as do everything that used to take the 2 of us, I don't have a moment to myself anymore...
I know how you feel. I have no young ones - wish I still did, sometimes - but my six-day weeks ended just last week. Thank God!I am so tired & so drained - Mentally, physically and emotionally.
So was I. And the worst part was that I,- Mr. exercise-nutrition-juicing-supplement-taking -meditating-hiking Gardener slowly eliminated every one of those regimens this past year...when I needed them most. Pick something you used to/would like to do. Just one. And do it. I started back in with one. Am on my third. Feel a world better. Everyone around me treats me like I am about to shatter - Worried if the next thing is going to send me off to the looney bin.
Ignore 'em. Screw 'em. Or better yet: fake an "episode" of what Smiley's Person so aptly describes as "batchitcrazy" and send 'em running for cover for a while! I swear if one more person asks me if I took my meds today I may just punch them in the throat.
Yes I am medicated however that doesn't mean I can't have a down day - I still have emotions, a whole range of them that overcome me each and everyday.
Yep.Me, too.For the past couple of days the unfairness of the sitch has taken over in each thing I do...
***Resentment has creeped in - Anger is sitting on the threshold...
I am mad that I have to do everything.
I would be, too. I have been, too!I am mad he just walked out without looking back.
GoodI am mad he gets to be the "disneyland" Dad and I am nothing but a
b***hrole-modeling, limit-setting, loving mama bear.I am mad I can't go to the bathroom by myself.
? (Ignore, if personal)I am mad I can't leave the house without my little one having a meltdown for fear I won't come back.
Yet.I am mad I don't have answers.
Yet.I am mad he doesn't care - How do you build something for 20 years and then destroy it without a care in the world?
By being a pr!ck? I am mad that I see so many spouses doing this each and everyday.
Yep. I am mad I spent hours helping a friend out of suicide last night because her SO did this to her 1 month ago and she didn't deserve this.
Get Friend to Dr. It's your duty.I am mad at myself because sometimes suicide seems like the better route then the undescribable daily pain.
Serenity!! Understandable, to some extent, but get thee to thy IC and discuss this! Don't make me come down there after you, girl!I am mad at another friend whose H did this to her and she has taken the wrong road in dealing with it (ie: massive amounts of sex partners, drugs, drinking etc...)
Pity her. Help if you can. Don't be mad. While wrongheaded and dangerous, her pain, her reaction.I am mad that my H feels like he is a worthy parent because he is spending 3 whole hours with the boys tomorrow -
Big friggen whoop.
Couldn't have said it better, myself! I am mad that the "karma bus" hasn't run these wandering spouses over by now and the pain is dragged on and on and on until the LBS has no choice but to hit rock bottom and then go from there.
Karma bus is slow. But it runs.I am mad that
no matter what I do, I can't seem to "desensitize" myself to the pain I carry.
What are you doing?I am mad when I hear people say "Get over it, it has been such and such days/months/years".
"I'll be over it when I'm over it. My healing. My timetable, thankyewverymuch." Clods.I am mad that I chose this prison I am now in.
You chose it? What am I missing, here?I am mad I don't have much Faith in myself and the choices I have made.
Maybe not now, but, oh yes you do. I've heard you!I am
mad decent that even after everything my H has done, I still love him with my whole heart because quite frankly, it would be easier if I could hate him.
So yes today, I am mad and I am unbelievably sad...I would like nothing better then a couple of hours to sort through my emotions however I can't because
everyone wants something from meSometimes you have to - have to - say, "No." and all I want to do is crawl into a corner and hide from the world.
***My resentment went away - just went away - one day when it dawned on me that I didn't resent Mrs. G for x, y, and z, etc. That resentment, I realized was misdirected disappointment in and anger at myself for allowing x, for not speaking up about y, for passively seething about z, etc. From that, I think I learned something and forgave myself for my shortcomings in acceptingx,y,z behaviors.
Serenity: Thank you for journaling and sharing. It's good for you. It's good for me and all of us.
When you feel like this, tap into the very real strength and compassion that emanates from this board.People here pull for you, pray for you, love you (take me, fer instance.)
((((Serenity))))
Praying for you my friend. Gardener hit the nail on the head. I ditto his encouragement to you.
I have nothing to add to what others have said.
Tomorrow is a new day.
(((Serenity)))
Mo3
Serenity--
Thank you for saying all this.
Thank you for feeling and putting all that anger out there.
Thank you for being here and helping all of us with your eloquent words.
(((Pigskin)))
Love the name by the way - Just watched my Boys beat down the Eagles.
I try not to forget it and most days it is as natural as my skin however somedays (like today) I forget He is here for that as well...Thank you for the reminder.
(((Tristan)))
As always I am happy to see you and hope all is well with you and Mrs. Tristan.
I guess this is what "embrace the suck" means lol.
Yes typing it helped very much...
Just getting it out helps...
Otherwise I may pick up the phone and let H know what I am thinking and we both know that wouldn't be a good idea.
(((SD)))
Always been an admirer of yours so to hear from you makes me very grateful...
Your idea about keeping the journal with me makes perfect sense so I went and got one today...
It will now be my people that suck journal lol - J/J however my H isn't the only one going in it...
My relationship with a couple others is suffering because we don't see eye to eye...
I just can't get people to respect my decision -
I wish everyone was like my Dad who says to me "I don't give advice because I am not walking in your shoes and I don't have to live with those choices."
Thank you so much for your kind words...I like seeing it as being on a higher scale then where I have been.
Serenity...
I hate that you have to so eloquently have this to write about. (Now, how's that for a grasp of the English language!?!?)
You're special.
(((Cutter)))
Thank you my friend -
You have such a kind way about you when you respond to people and I truly am thankful for that...
Thank you for reading my thoughts.
(((Mind))))
LMAO - I love it!
Thank you for putting a smile on my face after such a long day
You my friend are special to.
(((Kara)))
That I do and normally I don't mind however I feel like I am not giving 100% in all areas like I should and that in turn makes me unhappy...
I believe you should give your all in everything you do and there are certain areas in my life that I feel are lacking...
I will be working on those in the future...
Thanks to SD and her wonderful suggestion, I got a new journal...Think I need a new purse to go along with it lol...
Tomorrow I will be on the hunt for lavender oil - I will try anything to create calmness around and within...
As for the little one...I feel horrible leaving him and I know this is going to pass however I feel like if I don't get a tiny bit of me time, I may end up snapping so he will have to get over it and I will have to release the guilt I have for that.
Better for us all in the long run.
(((Tulsa)))
It sucks - However it is nice to know that I am finally coming out of the suffocating depression -
Give me anger anyday over weepy...
Anger I know, anger I can control...
Weepy, not so much...
(((Cas)))
For the longest time I wondered why I couldn't feel anger...
Then I just thought I had somehow bypassed it and was stuck wallowing in sadness/acceptance -
I can't give in to either though -
I accept the emotions are a byproduct of what has happened however I will not let any of them rule over me like I did in the beginning...
I will feel them, then work through them with the tools I have.
(((Gardener)))
I know I can always count on you to break down my journal, slap me a little bit, make me re-think some things then feel better once all is said and done.
Out of everything you said - The one that stood out the most was this...
slowly eliminated every one of those regimens this past year...when I needed them most
I realized that I to have done this...
I used to walk each and every night after little one went to bed because it was my time to clear my head...Because it has been so cold, I haven't walked in weeks...
Before I would get up earlier then anyone so I could have a little time to myself and enjoy my coffee before my day began...Up until 3 days ago, I stopped setting my alarm...
I was taking better care of myself, eating better, drinking plenty of water...I tried to remember tonight and if you paid me I couldn't remember the last time I ate...
The only thing I have kept is Church...Everything else that I was doing for me has been put on the back burner.
Time to change that and I thank you for that reminder my friend...
P.S. - I loved the batchitcrazy idea - No need to fake what is already simmering.
Love you to, Am seeing my IC next week, my suicidal friend is better today after a good nights rest & my strung out friend is trying to get into IC, Clods - Love it!
(((Rocked)))
Thank you my friend - From the bottom of my heart.
(((MO3)))
Tomorrow is a new day -
A new and wonderful day (I have to keep telling myself that for now lol).
(((Avermont)))
Thank you so much for your kind words...
Today I had numerous people respond including you
so I thank you for coming/reading and then leaving
a little piece of you behind...
Serenity,
I've been reading your thread tonite; finding solace in your words, and the words of others that respond to you.
It's a bad night for me. Somehow your words, your demeanor towards others, even though it's not specifically meant for me, has been so moving and calming. I don't know exactly what I want to say, but I needed to post something to you. Certainly a thanks. Actually, I've been reading parts of your thread the entire time I've been here at DB, so the thanks may be long over due.
You are very honest in what you post, and your post are so articulate and expressive. Posting on my own thread has been a challenge for me, and I often read up in your thread, reflecting on your self-searching and honest expression of your thoughts as a guide for myself. Your recent post about anger is a great example.
I guess I'm just trying to express in detail what my thanks mean. tonight, of all nights you presence here has made a difference to me, so again thank you.
(((Serenity)))
You sound a lot better, my friend. And I see that many of your friends on the Board have come to support you . See how many people here love you? You do inspire us with your grit and your honesty.
I re-read your earlier post and Gardener's words. He is really spot on. I hope that you will find some release today in Church as I know this is always a comfort to you.
As for those who don't understand or support your decisions? Your father is so right. You wear the shoes and you feel the pinch. Enough said.
Talk to you later.
Thinking of you today (((Serenity)))
Seren,
I know I can always count on you to break down my journal, slap me a little bit, make me re-think some things then feel better once all is said and done.
Well, thank you for that. I thank you because answering questions, helping, chiming in are
one thing, but sometimes when you're just healthily letting it all hang out and getting it off your chest, I say to myself, "She's
journaling, fer cryin' out loud; leave her
alone!"
And then I ignore myself.
(((Awoken)))
I am honored and touched that my words have that kind of affect on you (or anyone)...I also thank you for expressing your thoughts to me...I don't speak so well IRL (LOL I am far to emotional normally) however give me a pen and paper or my blog or here and it just comes pouring out...
Some days I can't find anything within me to write here - The sitch gets old, the rollercoaster ride gets old, the fact that nothing seems to change gets old so I go and "troll" the board and see where my words may have the most affect for someone else...I know I have much to offer, if I could just keep believing that - As do you...
If posting on your thread is a challenge, and I know some days it is, seek out someone else who may really need your words. You never know what that person is thinking at that moment in time and your words of encouragement may mean the difference in their lives...
The girl I spoke of in my journaling, (the one who was contemplating suicide) was someone I met on a different board...I don't know her IRL however she posted and no one offered her anything for whatever reason - I did and that post I sent to her made the difference in her life at that moment...She sent me an email and we went from there and that is how I found out what she was contemplating...So we talked and talked some more until I knew she was going to be ok...
In the beginning of my sitch I was a friggen wreck and I was also contemplating suicide...What if no one posted back to me? At that moment I would have felt justified with my way of thinking. However luckily the people here are like a pitbull without a bone...
I have said it before and I will say it again... If it wasn't for Puppy, I don't know where I would be right now - He took hold and I thank God everynight he didn't let go...On my first thread people would come by and say "hey" etc... However he wanted to talk, he came day in and day out and he dragged the whole thing out of me - He never gave up on me - Even when I gave up on myself...For whatever reason, God placed him here in my life and he hasn't disappointed...There is a special place in Heaven for him - That I believe with my whole heart...
When the sitch threatened to take over and I was at the lowest place possible - Puppy was here in cyberland and my Pastor was here IRL - Because of them, I am still here, living and breathing...
Just remember your words can affect someone else in a very good way and you may never even know it.
(((Hugs)))
(((Kara)))
This board/these friends just rock - I love all of y'all as well and would squeeze each and everyone of you if I could.
I do feel a bit better today...I got some decent rest and had a wonderful sermon today that was so fitting for how I was feeling...
My Pastor said something today and looked me right in the eye as he said it - "If God has called you to do something, you do it." Trying like you know what not to read into that however it won't leave my mind...
This whole time, I believed God called me to "stand" for my marriage...Once I decided it was time to be done, I have gotten nothing but signs that are opposite of what I decided...
Wanna answer me as to why?
God sends people to our lives for a reason Serenity
. And sometimes, after the fact, we might see that we are also that "someone" sent into others' lives. I think it's great so many here are paying it forward.
(((Rocked)))
As I am of you.
(((Gardener)))
LOL...I for one am glad you aren't "leaving me alone" -
Whether I am journaling or not, I always appreciate the input/wisdom/guidance and am eternally grateful for it.
Journaling is just my way of releasing the emotions once they threaten to overtake me and maybe, just maybe it will help someone else along the way.
(((Deep)))
Couldn't have said it better myself...
I cherish the fact that I am someone that God chose to put in someone else's path at just the right moment...
There is no greater feeling (to me) then knowing you made the difference for someone else...
Some may think it is just an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry one, a hand to lend or arms to hug - However to the receiver it could mean all the difference in the world.
Some people do this and never, ever know the difference they have made so that is why I make it a point to let that person know how much they truly mean to me and to thank them for whatever it is they did.
If you are grateful because someone was there for you at a point when you really needed it, then I believe that person should know...
I am also a firm believer in thanking God for that person and their kind heart.
(((Serenity)))
Thanks for the heads up in my thread; I'll reply here, since it makes better sense.
Just remember your words can affect someone else in a very good way and you may never even know it.
You put this very well, and it's what I was trying to get at. I just wanted to let you "know it" that you affect me/us.
I've been posting in other threads now, trying to "pay it forward" as Deep just posted. I worry about saying the wrong things, but then I just remember how many times I've wished for any reply just to know that someone was out there, so I post something.
It takes me a long time to post anything, so when I think about the contributions that Puppy (and others) make it's overwhelming. Yes, I thank god for their presence here, and for you too.
(((Awoken)))
You are most welcome...
I worry about saying the wrong things, but then I just remember how many times I've wished for any reply just to know that someone was out there, so I post something.
If you think you have nothing to add to the thread, just a simple "Hang in there" or a hug will always do...
Never worry about saying the wrong thing - If you happen to think something you added was "wrong", someone will be along to word it a different way/add something to it...I can't see anything wrong other then advising to go against what is said here on a daily basis.
I have been around the board tonight and saw a couple of posts you have made - Your advice is wonderful and heartfelt so no worries... Have Faith in yourself and your contribution to others.
It can be overwhelming and granted Puppy has been at this a lot longer then us, however even he needs a break...We all do at times...
I think you are doing a wonderful job and I am happy to be adding another person to my prayers tonight.
Hi Serenity. I was wondering if you could drop by the Affairs section. D2D is having a very hard time right now and could use some of your advice. If you could read back a few pages on her thread...
And for you a song... I really like this band. Well their earlier stuff... More Punky... Did I tell ya I am an old punk rocker...
And you will know us by the trail of Dead - Caterwaul Eyes at night never see the day
Because it's not in my nature
Golden wings rise from the plane
They burn above the red earth
Scale these walls in front of me
Have you ever stopped to wonder
Why they forced your voice to turn
From silence to a caterwaul?
Never knew I could feel this way
So old and and unremembered
Never thought it would slip away
And fall like September
Scale these walls in front of me
Have you ever stopped to wonder
Why they forced my voice
To turn from silence to a caterwaul?
Heard your caterwaul...
And what has tried to bound me
I've severed every tie
Place your arms around me
And we'll leave the rest behind
What was I to say?
How was I to know?
Was it your soft voice that said so?
Serenity,
I read your post about standing. A difficult and scary leap into the unknown.
Are you still standing or are you done? What signs do you see?
Absolutely - Then I will come back and check out what you and Tulsa wrote.
(((Hugs)))
(((Tulsa)))
I want to be done - I want to cut all ties with my H and never look back however for some reason, God has other plans right now...
The signs - There are so many...My MIL has been by my side since this all began and her Faith has been a gift for me to see...She has quoted verses to me over and over again and now 11 months later, they are starting to show up in other areas of my life...
She has stated from day one - This isn't about me and my H...This is a spiritual battle for his soul between God and Satan - Today I received an email from a ministry that stated "You must understand that you and your spouse are in a spiritual battle between light and darkness."
My Pastors' wife told me yesterday I needed to get up each day and put on the full armour of God - Same email has a quote from Ephesians 6:11-12 that states "Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."
When all this started, I asked God for a sign - a red cardinal to cross my path - To let me know He was there, to show me everything would be ok & He was hearing my prayers...Took a week however the cardinal was indeed there...This morning I went outside...It was 18 degrees and sitting in my backyard was the reddest cardinal I have ever seen - Just waiting...It never flew away, it just sat there watching me the whole time I was outside...
My Pastor - That man was sent from God Himself - My Pastor has been used to show me that He is still there, right beside me and not going anywhere...
Puppy - God bless him...If you have read any of my thread you know how I feel about him...
Gardener, Kara, Rocked, Trent, Coach, Greek, Wifey, SDF, MO3, Awoken, Cutter, You Tulsa, Mind, GIMA, Tristan, Deep (and anyone I missed - no offense) - All of them sent from above to help one another in their darkest time of need...
I once told someone (and I can't remember who it was) the following...
The people here I believe are God's best...
Sent here for different reasons...
Think about it...
We are all basically going through almost the exact same thing, found ourselves losing it all, came upon either the book or the website, connected with one another to then draw strength, faith, empathy, compassion, encouragement, love and friendship and we are all strangers...
We share thoughts, fears, worries, doubts, things that some consider TMI, we laugh, we cry, we mourn, we rejoice...
We help one another out all without ever meeting...
If you don't believe in God, that right there should at least put a seed of doubt in your mind.
(Yes I just quoted myself - I am cool like that lol)
The signs (big & small) are there - All around - All you have to do is seek them - Or better yet, ask God to point them out to you...He will if you ask - I did because quite frankly I can be dense and I needed something concrete that I could grasp...Now I seek Him in everything I do and they may be subtle, however the signs are there each and everyday.
(((Serenity)))
You asked me a good question a few posts back when you said that you felt God had called you to stand and that since you had made your decision to end your M you saw signs showing you that you should not. Or something like that ... I am paraphrasing and too lazy now to do the quotey thing.
It is a really heavy question and one I have thought about many times.
The signs could be a reminder from Him. Or you could be second guessing yourself which is human and normal. Your decision could be prefectly right for you and only you and God will know that. What we say or think is really not important.What are your own thoughts on the signs?
RE: BEING CALLED TO DO ANYTHING BY GOD:
My final analysis of it is that if God calls me to do something then I have to do it. This is in general and not just related to M. I also know that if He calls me to do something , He will provide me with the tools, no matter how hard the task may be. I have to lean on Him and ask Him for the support when I feel that I absolutely cannot do it. I have to remind myself to lean not on my own understanding because I don't see or know everything. I have to give up my need to control the situation and just fully trust Him. To try to do it my way would not be to trust Him. Yes, this is the brilliant thesis I have developed after many hours of soul searching
Being human, when the road gets dark and rocky , you can ask yourself "Did He really ask me to do this? Hmmm...things don't look so great, so maybe He didn't. This is too hard, this is taking too long so He definitely couldn't have called me". And so on and so forth. The mind is a battlefield
. At the end of the day I believe that if He brings you to it, He will bring you through it. And God cannot lie.
I reference myself although I am well aware that you asked the question re yourself because a relationship with God is so personal that I can only speak for what my stance is. Each of us has to know for ourselves what we have heard as He may say different things to us and at different times. We don't know what He has told another person.
(((Serenity)))
All you have to do is seek
"But you, when you pray, go into your inner room, close your door and pray to your Father who is in secret, and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you." And while many translate this to mean don't make such an obvious spectacle of praying in public, For me, the "inner room" is
deep within. In deep, silent communion.
And it is timeless and universal:
"
Be still and know I am God" - Ps. 46:10 (my favorite: those seven words speak volumes. Each word a prayer in itself that builds, changes, and becomes a new and different prayer with the addition of each successive word)
"
The Kingdom of Heaven is within you." - Jesus
"
Look within; thou are the Buddha." - Buddha
"
Atman (then inner essence of the individual) and Brahman (the ultimate Truth) are one." - Hindu Tradition
"
He who knows himself knows The Lord." - Muhammad
Can you tell it's getting late for me? Time to go to my room, go to my "inner room" for awhile and then to sleep!
Good night and God Bless all of you out there.
Serenity
I posted above before I saw your last post. Wow...you sound good and reassured. The red cardinal? Amazing.
(((Kara)))
Excellent thought provoking answer...No need to quote, I know what you ment - The divorce - Filing would be so easy -
Done. Finito. Finished. Hmmm - Where have I seen that before?
Every single time I get to that place, a voice inside says "Wait"...One little word, one quiet whisper...I have been to the lawyer on more then one occasion...The voice speaks...I line all my ducks up in a row...The voice still speaks...I tell my MIL my plans...The voice is still speaking...I resign myself to the fact that I failed at my M (not just me however this is my life we are talking about) and the voice is still there...
My Pastor has been used time and time again for His message and I can't ignore that...I get to that place and I don't have peace with that decision...I have turmoil and guilt and heartache and I still have that little voice whispering to me...
I have the paperwork and looking at it makes me ill...I made the decision and I didn't get the calmness I was seeking...I can't do anything until I have that calmness - I don't like limbo living so I move forward with the tools I have - Basically living as if I am not married, though staying true to my vows and myself...
Honoring myself and seeking Gods' will for me...
The signs are to hard to ignore...They come at me from almost anywhere at any given time...Can I ignore them? Well of course but is that what He wants me to do? I think not...To ignore them would be to ignore Him and where would that get me? I don't want to find out.
I begin each day in prayer, I end each day in prayer - I am thankful for my situation...I just wish sometimes the signs were a little more clearer in what road He wants me to take.
Yes,
Why can't He just send a whole set of arrows and bright lights flashing lights saying "THIS WAY AHEAD" ?
(((Serenity)))
An inspirational post of - and from - strength. Good for you. Thank you for sharing, as always. You touch my ife.
When all this started, I asked God for a sign - a red cardinal to cross my path - To let me know He was there, to show me everything would be ok & He was hearing my prayers...Took a week however the cardinal was indeed there...This morning I went outside...It was 18 degrees and sitting in my backyard was the reddest cardinal I have ever seen - Just waiting...It never flew away, it just sat there watching me the whole time I was outside...
Beautiful. Powerful.
I sent you
A Bright Morning Star ("I walked outside and every bird was singing") but I had no idea it was a
Bright Morning Cardinal you were waiting for!
And. It. Came.
a red cardinal
Serious.
Wow.
My best friend who hangs around my home is a red cardinal.
The little guy came here in the spring when I was really starting to enter my depression. I was trimming hedges and I cut down the nest. Realized it and put the nest back up quickly with gloves on. And the red cardinal still came back to take care of the chicks.
So I went out and purchased a bird bath for them and my neighbours purchased food for them.
Then when everything went down.
I stopped noticing them.
But on New Years Day. When I was really down. I looked out the window. My little friend was there. Waiting for me to see him.
Thats interesting. Thanks for sharing that.
(((Serenity)))
The reason I asked about standing was because I am one also. From the very beginning of my problems, even though I didn't know what it was. It's a narrow path taken by those obedient souls to trust in God for the healing of marraiges.
If you feel you have been called, follow it. Others will tell you to move on and you will doubt yourself at times. I read somewhere that most people don't wait long enough for it and give up after some time.
Check out Rejoice Marriage Ministries and cadz.net. Inspirational testimonies of restored marriages. Although some of DB relates to it, in other ways the advice is contrary to what we read here.
Sorry, I'm typing on Ambien and it's time to hit the hay. Have a great night!
I hope the signs continue to manifest. It would be a wonderful testimony on these boards.
(((Kara)))
LOL - The arrows and flashing lights would make for an easier journey however what would we really learn?
(((Gardener)))
I still have a copy of that song you sent me...
I put it in my journal and I read it when I am having a down day...
I write a lot of quotes, songs, words of wisdom, prayers in there - Pretty much anything that catches my eye.
I thank you for your kind words my friend - You touch my life as well.
(((Cutter)))
I love it -
I love that your best friend is my sign of peace...
I don't see mine very often - In the past 11 months, once I put that prayer out, it is only when I am at my very lowest or when I least expect it...
I see almost every type of bird known to our area however the little red cardinal is more elusive.
If I try to find one, I can't no matter how hard I look...
When I saw him the morning before yesterday, I wasn't looking...
I took my coffee outside to check the temp and watch the sun finish it's wakening (because I got up late, I missed its entrance to a new day)...
It was so cold I almost went back in, however I sat on the bench and saw red out of the corner of my eye...
He was just sitting there in the middle of the yard...Not eating nor flitting about...Just watching me and he stayed until I got up to go back inside...
Once I saw him I had to chuckle to myself then I sent up a prayer of thanks. That was the perfect way to start my day...
(((Tulsa)))
No explanations needed
Others will tell you to move on and you will doubt yourself at times
Just had this conversation with someone in my family actually no more then 15 minutes ago...Nothing pretty or pleasent about that - More to come later...
The email I spoke of in my post to you - The one about the spiritual battle was actually from Rejoice Marriage Ministries - Small world lol.
The advice given from here, there and anywhere else you are seeking is just that - Advice...It is not set in stone and sometimes it may do more harm then good...I seek wisdom from others in my situation, others who have been at this a lot longer then me and then I use what applies to me...
In the end, I have to do what I feel is best for my situation because I am the one who has to walk in these shoes. It may not work for others and it may not give me what I think is the best response, however it will allow me to receive God's best for me at that time regardless of the circumstance.
He is the only one I have to answer to/ I am the only one who has to live with it.
I hope you had a wonderful, peaceful sleep last night.
I saw my little friend this morning. While I was having a coffee...
Made me think of you. So I said a little thanks and also wished for you to have a beautiful day Serenity.
Thanks for stopping by DbD's thread.
(((Cutter)))
I was just checking out the band you sent me to see...I love it...
From silence to a caterwaul
That speaks volumes to me - Especially if you had seen me shrieking like a banshee this morning at 2 members of my family.
I wish you a beautiful day as well Cutter - Free of drama...
No thanks ever.
Serenity - are you in the alt? If so, I'm friends w/Cutter, and himself. You'll figure out who I am. It's nice to be able to talk real time sometimes. It's so nice to meet, just, good, people.
Hey Mind...
Is the "alt" by any chance FB? Maybe I need to set up different account where I won't see my H so I can hang with all you guys.
Serenity... yep... That's what I did. I didn't want all of D18's friends in my business. They're intrusive enough in real life! If you do it, let me know, and we'll find each other, and then I'll help you find the others!
Mind - Under a fake name? Is that allowed? I just don't want H or my S seeing my business.
Yes...
Gno always says my name should be HandFul, instead of Mindfull, and I added a DB in front of it.
They won't see your business, as I set it up w/a gmail, w/the same name. Plus, you make it private to everyone, but your friends.
Well darnit, I can't use my name here because it rejected it -
Rejected by FB - Now there is irony for you LMAO...
Now how do I find you?
One good way is to friend Michele Weiner-Davis; most of us are friends as well, and some of our psueodnyms should be easy to recognize...
How about DBSerenity?
And, I gave you a hint!
LoL
Nice Mindfull - I used DBSerenity
Thank you
LOL...(((Trent)))
Always a pleasure however I have no clue how to navigate around FB - I only checked out H when I could access it and then I only look at his wall, friends and inbox/outbox.
Can't find you there.
DBHandful
When I searched, I got DJSerenity! LMAO She's a babe in a bikini!
LMAO - I have no pictures so it isn't me - I will search for you instead
WAIT! I'm
DeeBeeHandful
Trust me, I'm a blonde!
Mind - LMAO...I searched your name and got a pic of a chicks butt in a thong - Is that you?
Dang Cutter - The pic you are using for you - YUM
Great, you made me go check if mindfull had changed her profile pic. :P
LOL...Gotcha moving Trent
BTW, my last name is Carlson on FB...
Serenity -
Cutter's real pic is not too hard on the eyes either!
Only downfall is he looks like he could be my H's brother and/or twin!
Serenity... you find Trent, I'll find Trent's friends, then I'll find you!
Nice...I will have to get a pic to post on there...Mind...I set you a request - Hope it is you LOL
Good Lord, I think you found me! But, you're not DBSerenity! You're a cross!
LOL...That is the only pic I have...I used my real first name and a fake last name
I like the cross. Gorgeous. I have one on our mantle, that's very similar.
Thank you Ma'am
I love it to.
Mindfull - I am now DeeBee Serenity - Now I feel normal...
Sidenote, I used the fake last name of "Jones" - My Sister pointed out to me -
That is the last name of the OW
OMG
Hey ((Serenity)) I'm Kel Mo
(((Rocked)))
Just sent you a friend request
Serenity,
I sent you a friend request. My first name starts with M and last name starts with O.
Mo3
(((Friends)))
Miss me?
Just kidding - I needed the break...
The sitch is the same -
H saw the kids this past Sunday for a whole hour and 55 minutes...
Since that day my oldest S has been a complete jerk to me - Last night it all came to a head...
He sat in the living room berating me - He blamed me for everything from his bad grades to his Dad leaving...
He cursed me, slammed doors, threw things etc...
He wants to live with his Dad and I won't let him -
That is what it boils down to...
He actually grew a set and threatened me with bodily harm also stating that if I wasn't around, he could live with his Dad...
Now I have to make a very tough decision - Call his PO and have him sent away for awhile or try to get into his head and help him redirect his anger?
Any thoughts?
I would really like to know the opinion of the men here just because I know how Moms' operate - Emotionally
He cursed me, slammed doors, threw things etc...
UNACCEPTABLE. PERIOD.
He actually grew a set and threatened me with bodily harm also stating that if I wasn't around, he could live with his Dad...
"Son, I brought you into this world, and I can take you out and make another one who looks just like you. Do not EVER threaten me again."
Now I have to make a very tough decision - Call his PO and have him sent away for awhile or try to get into his head and help him redirect his anger?
All kidding aside, YOU are there and know whether you are in any danger or not. Your son is projecting the anger he feels for his Dad onto you. You have a tough line to walk here b/c you have to empathize with his feelings while, at the same time, being the authority figure.
So long as you think there is no danger of him harming you, I think you tell him you understand how he feels, but that the way he's expressing his anger (anger which is completely understandable) is not acceptable. Can you sit down with him and talk about his anger/unhappiness? Quite simply, his actions are those of a boy, not a man. (I don't know what his age is, so forgive me if he IS a boy).
As a boy/young man, it's tough feeling rejection from your father. And if he has convinced himself YOU are the reason dad left, you are part of the problem. Is he old enough to hear the truth?
And a young man/boy is searching for the answer to the question "Am I good enough? Do I have what it takes?" And that answer should come from his dad or another strong male figure. You may have to step in and be that figure right now.
Start setting and enforcing some boundaries with your oldest S.
(((GIMA)))
I have to pick up my little one so I will be back to go over your post - I wanted to let you know he is 14 years old, taller then my 5'10 and stronger then me...I will bb soon - Thanks for the point of view from a man.
(((Cutter)))
Easier said then done - He follows zero rules that I set - He is now grounded from everything (phone, mall, computer, friends etc...Home and School - Nothing else) -
Bottom line is he doesn't care what I do -
He is pushing and pushing until I give in and allow him to go live with his Dad.
Which I may add is not an option.
(((GIMA)))
I am back and see you on the alt so I will talk to you there.
I know it was not very good advice. I have no kids. But I believe that some tough love is in order here.
Serenity, thanks so much for stopping by my thread to give me encouragement. I'm starting to read your thread and agree... many similarities. I'm at the same point... I've got the D paperwork almost ready and I'm praying for a sign to go ahead. I hope I'm doing God's will.
I want to read your whole thread... will be back later. Thanks so much again...
--Day by Day
Serenity,
I took a few days off, too. Just read latest on your S.
You mentioned a couple of times that your son has a number of excellent, involved mentors. Time to call them in ASAP. He needs to hear from them NOW...in no uncertain terms, imo.
Serenity,
Some food for thought for today:
Jon Walker: Gracious Uncertainty
Thank you (((Trent)))
Odd that you sent this when not 30 minutes ago my Grandma gave me this exact verse after she was reading her bible.
Love the sign
Where we stand ~
Just received a phone call from oldest S - Apparently he is with my H and has been for the past few hours...Now on the way to spend the night with him...
I got H on the phone and let him know in no uncertain terms was this acceptable - No warning, no phone call - Nothing...
I asked him about seeing the little one - Nope...In a few weeks...
I reminded him kindly about being consistent and he says he is doing the best he can...
I let him know he can at least call the little one every few days to say hi and he says he doesn't have the number - BS - I told him about the cursing, threats and prescription meds - Basically all that has happened the last week...
I asked him if she was there because if so he could turn the car around and bring son home - He says no she isn't and he doesn't know where she is...
He started getting angry at me and then told me he doesn't want to talk to me and gave the phone to son...
So now I sit in tears again, wondering why I even care because it is obvious I am never going to be good enough and I didn't do anything wrong...
((((Serenity))))
Please don't lose the perspective that H's choices are HIS and have nothing to do with you. You are amazing, you are strong! I am praying for you my friend.
(((Serenity))),
I'm sorry to hear about todays boundary-ignoring. Consequences?
In any event, my friend, you
know it has nothing to do with
this:
So now I sit in tears again, wondering why I even care because it is obvious I am never going to be good enough and I didn't do anything wrong...
God doesn't make anything or anyone that "isn't good enough." Especially you.
When you're done with those tears, summon up the ever-stronger Serenity we see growing on this board.
Hugs to you Serenity- I'm sorry you had such a rough day.
Bunny
Serenity,
So sorry you had such a bad day! Don't take what he says personally. He needs to make you out to be the "bad guy" in his head to justify his actions to himself. It is not you, it is him. Just keep reminding yourself of that. I know, way easier said that done. You are more than "good enough."
I hope tomorrow is a better day!
(((hugs)))
Serenity,
I have a lot to read to catch up, but I just wanted to say I too have a very angry 14yr old. Is your S in any sort of IC or is there someone that he can open up to? I have had a couple of incidents with my DS14 and I can sympathize with you 100%. The important thing to remember is that he is a kid and he doesn't have the life experience or perspective to really deal with all that had gone on in your sitch. Its not much, but he is hurting and lashing out and because you are his mom and love him no matter what. He knows this and it makes you "safe" to vent on because you won't walk away from him.
Whether or not he is bigger or stronger than you is not the issue here unless you feel that he might harm you physically. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this with a H that only seems to add to the problem.
When my son was acting out towards me his IC told me to get him into a sport where he could use some of that pent up agression in a positive manner (football, batting cage, etc...) something physical with contact that he could focus some of that anger on. She also suggested martial arts for the discipline aspect. My son is a sport nut, so this really helped him as well as talking to her.
My prayers are with you....
(((Serenity))),
Thought I'd bring this from my thread over here. Gotta bump you up as well as pump you up!
I was just reading in the Newcomers section and I can't bring myself to respond...
Good. If you can't, don't.
I am trying though - I will get through this...You were right and I shouldn't have left so I am back and will somehow get through this.(((Hugs)))
Well, it's not a case of should or shouldn't, but I understand. Stay with/on your own thread. Sounds like you need it.
And you will get through this. Somehow, we always do.
And, re: your sitch, did you consider calling in some of son's mentors like I suggested?
As per our conversation last night...
Here is the gift of two quotes from this site that give me strength
Stolen from someone else:
This ends now.
No more thinking, no more analyzing, no more heartache.
This is my life and I refuse to allow my happiness depend on someone else.
There is no point worrying about this for another second.
I am taking control of this now.
I am the one that has the power to end my pain, no one else.
My thoughts and actions control my feelings.
I can control both, and I will.
There will no more planning, no more searching for a reaction and no more submissiveness.
I deserve better from myself.
If I find myself planning something to get attention, I will stop.
If I find myself reminiscing about better times, I will stop.
If I find myself think about what anyone else is doing apart from myself, I will stop.
Every day that I spend dwelling on that which I can’t control is another day wasted.
Every day that I spend dwelling on that which I can’t control is another day that I have delayed myself from feeling better.
I don’t need to worry about this situation, it is over. I accept that.
This situation is now irresolvable from my end.
I have done all that I can.
I will no longer put myself in a position to be disrespected and I will instead start respecting myself.
I am a prize, I am a catch.
I will not lower myself to a level that I have no business being on.
I am letting it go.
If it comes back, the decision then becomes mine.
I will not wait for it to come back however, my decision has already been made – I am moving on.
If it doesn’t come back, I have my self respect – the knowledge that I have walked away from a situation with my dignity intact.
I will not compromise my dignity again.
I am walking away knowing that I have avoided making someone who has no right feeling above me, feel just that.
I am walking away from this and I will have no regrets.
Mine is not a position to regret because I have given it my all.
My mind is telling me that what I’m putting myself through is wrong, that I am wrong to torture myself over this.
I am now listening.
I will not re-enter the equation.
I will not put myself in harms way again.
I will not leave myself open for rejection.
I will now start respecting myself enough to end my pain.
I am the only one that can do so.
And today is that day.
I’m done.
If someone wanted at all to be with you, they wouldn't leave to pursue someone else.
I think we should maintain our dignity and self-respect. We shouldn't need to plead with someone to come back when they don't want to come back. We shouldn't sit around waiting and hoping instead of using that time to enjoy our own lives.
It isn't burning bridges to drop the rope and let them pursue what they're pursuing. They're the ones who are burning bridges. sometimes they recognize what they've lost and are willing to put energy into the relationship and that's great. That provides a basis for success. But when you're the only one putting in energy, it won't work.
IMO. lodo
I just let my son know I was done with him and his father - They can all live over there together with the OW like one big friggen happy family...
He cursed me over text, told me to STFU, kept telling me what a B I was as well as an Ahole and I was evil...He wants to stay with his Dad...
After going back and forth I gave up...I sent a text to H to pick his stuff up when the little one was in school and he would now be financially responsible for him and all his appts. with his PO etc...Guess who called within 5 minutes of that text - Acting like he doesn't have a clue...Told me he would talk to S...Ends by saying I love you - Eff you is what I have to say.
I am done.
Stolen from someone else:
This ends now.
No more thinking, no more analyzing, no more heartache.
This is my life and I refuse to allow my happiness depend on someone else.
There is no point worrying about this for another second.
I am taking control of this now.
I am the one that has the power to end my pain, no one else.
My thoughts and actions control my feelings.
I can control both, and I will.
There will no more planning, no more searching for a reaction and no more submissiveness.
I deserve better from myself.
If I find myself planning something to get attention, I will stop.
If I find myself reminiscing about better times, I will stop.
If I find myself think about what anyone else is doing apart from myself, I will stop.
Every day that I spend dwelling on that which I can’t control is another day wasted.
Every day that I spend dwelling on that which I can’t control is another day that I have delayed myself from feeling better.
I don’t need to worry about this situation, it is over. I accept that.
This situation is now irresolvable from my end.
I have done all that I can.
I will no longer put myself in a position to be disrespected and I will instead start respecting myself.
I am a prize, I am a catch.
I will not lower myself to a level that I have no business being on.
I am letting it go.
If it comes back, the decision then becomes mine.
I will not wait for it to come back however, my decision has already been made – I am moving on.
If it doesn’t come back, I have my self respect – the knowledge that I have walked away from a situation with my dignity intact.
I will not compromise my dignity again.
I am walking away knowing that I have avoided making someone who has no right feeling above me, feel just that.
I am walking away from this and I will have no regrets.
Mine is not a position to regret because I have given it my all.
My mind is telling me that what I’m putting myself through is wrong, that I am wrong to torture myself over this.
I am now listening.
I will not re-enter the equation.
I will not put myself in harms way again.
I will not leave myself open for rejection.
I will now start respecting myself enough to end my pain.
I am the only one that can do so.
And today is that day.
I’m done.
WOW....I needed to hear that today. Thanks.
I'm sorry, Serenity.
Don't answer calls or texts for a while.
Maybe you need to go dark on both H & S.
(((Serenity)))
(((Serenity)))
Remember that your S is hurting and in pain. It must be a terribly confusing time for him. Of course he should never speak to you like that . There is no excuse. Is he getting any counseling? He really needs to talk to somebody.
(((Serenity)))
My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family.
Mo3
(((Serenity))))
I agree with Kara... it sounds like your S could use someone objective to talk to. Take care of yourself hun!
S is home now and was kind enough to inform me my H allowed him to meet the OW and she is NICER then me and she is as gross in person as she is in her picture however he would rather be with her then me - I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS...WTF???
S is home now and was kind enough to inform me my H allowed him to meet the OW and she is NICER then me and she is as gross in person as she is in her picture however he would rather be with her then me - I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS...WTF???
Serenity I listened to a song tonight that made me think of you and all the people who care about you. Be strong girl.
Florence And The Machine — You've Got The Love Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying "Lord I just don't care"
But you've got the love I need To see me through
Sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough
And things go wrong no matter what I do
Now and then it seems that life is just too much
But you've got the love I need to see me through
When food is gone you are my daily meal
When friends are gone I know my savior's love is real
Your love is real
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
Time after time I think "Oh Lord what's the use?"
Time after time I think it's just no good
Sooner or later in life, the things you love you loose
But you got the love I need to see me through
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying "Lord I just don't care"
But you've got the love I need to see me through
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
You got the love
((((((Serenity))))))
Hey girl! It's time to stop focusing on anyone other than you. I think the OW is new to your S, just as she is to your H. Ok, not in the same way... But she has never had to atually be his parent, so it's no surprise she's "more fun"! It will wear off, in time. He'll remember who really loves him!
(((((Serenity)))))
I am so sorry about your developments. I haven't been on the boards today very much.
You are getting great advice. Time to let go of this. Really let go. And, it is time to get selfish for you and the little one.
Let the emotions out, away from the little one. Then, pick yourself up and keep moving forward.
You deserve so much better.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Know you have a lot of support here.
S, don't think I've ever written anything to you before...
For this...
S is home now and was kind enough to inform me my H allowed him to meet the OW and she is NICER then me and she is as gross in person as she is in her picture however he would rather be with her then me - I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS...WTF???
This ...
It's time to stop focusing on anyone other than you. I think the OW is new to your S, just as she is to your H. Ok, not in the same way... But she has never had to atually be his parent, so it's no surprise she's "more fun"! It will wear off, in time. He'll remember who really loves him!
Remember what spew is? That's what your son is doing now... spewing... to intentionally hurt you because he can't get his way with you.
If I was you, I'd insist that he go stay with his father. H won't let son cramp his style. Don't take "no" for an answer from H. Let son HEAR his father's rejection. Don't get in the way of it. Don't protect him. It's a lesson the little shirt needs to learn... the HARD way.
((((( Serenity )))))
Serenity,
They don't know what they are saying. They don't even realize how much the words hurt. They don't mean them. Your son is angry. He will get over it. You are a mother. You aren't done with your son. No matter how mean he is to you, you will always be there for him. Hold your tongue. Go dark. Let it all rest. As long as no one is out on the street. Everyone has a bed to sleep in. Don't worry about it. Your son will not reject you for long. Believe me, I had a hateful son. He is 26 now and he turned out to be a nice guy. Growing up is hard. The situation you and your kids are in is even harder. Someday he will understand what he did today, and he will apologize to you for all he is putting you through. But now, it is like childbirth. It hurts like hell, and it won't stop for a long time. But in the end, you will be glad you went through it. Find a friend to talk to. Someone who can sympathize with what you are going through. Tomorrow will be another day. i hope a much better one.
(((Serenity)))
Can you get to a place where your S's actions aren't about you? Because they really aren't. They're about him, his dad leaving, his teenagehood, his testing of boundaries. Kids this age are...hmmm...interesting. They stay pretty interesting until they hit college and rediscover that their parents aren't as stupid as they thought they were.
It's time to DB your son. If he starts to spew, put the hand up and firmly say, "Son, I understand you're going through a lot right now and I am willing to talk to you about anything you want to talk about. However, it is NOT okay for you to speak to me like this, and I will not listen to any disrespect. When you want to have a civil conversation about whatever is bothering you, I am available. Until then, keep it to yourself." Then walk away.
No crying in front of him in response to his behavior as this just makes him feel more powerful, and THAT'S what's really going on with him: he feels powerless. He's not abusing his father, because his father will send him back to you. Your S knows you're the safe place. He's pursuing dad, he's taking the frustration out on you.
If you can, get a copy of HOW TO TALK SO KIDS CAN LISTEN AND LISTEN SO KIDS CAN TALK. As a teacher, it was INVALUABLE. There are many, many strategies in the book, and it seems to all be around listening, validating and setting clear boundaries. I recommend this book to all my parents! It's pretty cheap too if they don't have it at your local library, around $12 new.
Hang in there. My colleague's daughter screamed at her and told her she was a horrible mother who was too effed up to have kids while they were in the midst of a divorce. Now, 7-8 years later, they are very close, closer than dad and daughter.
This too shall pass...but it's time to find that inner strength and imagine an invisible shield around you. All the nasty words bounce off that shield and fall on the ground. Visualize that!
SD
(((Everyone))))
To all of you who came, I thank you...
Thank you for the support, wisdom, the hugs, the song, the strength you project to me...
While I do understand he is hurting, I also have to think about my little one who is learning horrible things from the oldest (ie: cursing me, throwing things, slamming doors etc...) Last night was just plain and simple - Nothing but ugliness all around...
Oldest, wouldn't go to bed, wouldn't shower, kept turning his music up over and over after I repeatedly went in there and turned it down, he woke the little one up at 12:30am by slamming his door, he stole my phone and hid it then wouldn't give it back to me...
He laid on the bed as I emptied his dresser looking for it and just laughed at me...
Finally after I took his phone charger, he gave me back my phone - without the battery (got that back as well since I wouldn't return the charger without it), he threatened to pour gas on me and set me on fire if I went to sleep so needless to say, I didn't sleep well last night...
I woke him up this morning to go to school and he had the nerve to ask me if he could just stay home cause he was tired - Not gonna happen - Made him get up and he went to school, slamming doors all along the way...
Setting boundaries for him is like setting them for my H - Neither wants to live by any rules so after a night of thinking, of course some praying & a whole lot of crying, I am taking Gno's advice...
If I was you, I'd insist that he go stay with his father. H won't let son cramp his style. Don't take "no" for an answer from H.
Some of you may not agree with me (and I understand) sending him to his Dad however the way I see it, they are both poison to me and to my little one right now.
I won't be threatened anymore by a 14 year old and the fact that I am losing sleep because of it isn't a good thing for my mental state.
I have tried walking away however he just follows me around spewing his hatred...
He has bowed up at me like he was going to strike - And no worries there because he would only do it one time.
He has stated in the last week that he wished his little brother had never been born and that he would be better off if the two of us were out of the picture - Now I don't trust him to not do any harm to the little one if no one happened to be around.
Between all the probation mess, the classes, the appointments, and the money I have to pay every month because he is on probation...Not to exclude the attitude, the anger, the disrespect and the blatant rudeness - The way I see it, his Dad made this bed and it is time he gets to sleep in it.
I think you made a wise decision. Not only for you and the little one, but for your son as well. Sometimes, love takes different shapes and forms.
Stay strong
K
Oh, Serenity, I am so sorry for the night you had and all you're going through. You must be absolutely spent and drained.
If I was you, I'd insist that he go stay with his father. H won't let son cramp his style. Don't take "no" for an answer from H.
Some of you may not agree with me (and I understand) sending him to his Dad however the way I see it, they are both poison to me and to my little one right now.
I support you. I agree. Have you spoken to P.O. or attorney about this? Can you formally set it up, enforceably?
Between all the probation mess, the classes, the appointments, and the money I have to pay every month because he is on probation...Not to exclude the attitude, the anger, the disrespect and the blatant rudeness - The way I see it, his Dad made this bed and it is time he gets to sleep in it.
Agreed. Time for consequences.
(((Kalni)))
Thank you for coming and for your support...
I thought all along a D was the hardest decision I was going to make - Think again...
Handing over my child was easily the hardest one yet.
(((Gardener)))
Thank you my friend...I am beat however I am at peace...
Once I made the decision, I knew that even though it was harder then anything I have ever done before, that it was the right thing to do.
S seems to think that living with his Dad will be nothing but shopping and fun (because that is what he does with him when he actually spends time with him)...
They both have a rude awakening coming...
I have a call (actually my 3rd) into his PO and I want him out by Sunday - Since he is court ordered to the house, we have to have a judge get into this act...
I can't take another sleepless night wondering if he is going to harm me or the little one while we sleeping...
I can say that I would think he wouldn't go that far however I cant say that with 100% certainty and as his Mother, that is devastating to me, and before this day I have never felt like a complete and utter failure in just about every department however today I can say that I do.
((((Serenity))))
That does sound like what you need to do.... it is a "tough love" approach. You can communicate to your S similar as you would (and probably did) to H at the beginning of your sitch... "I choose you and this R but I won't be treated this way. If you can treat me with respect and love, I want nothing more than to have you live with me. I also love myself, and I need to take care of myself by not letting you treat me this way." Then he knows the door is open in the future if he can change his attitude and behavior towards you.
I agree this will be a wake up call for both S and H and maybe it is about time for both of them!
Serenity:
I feel for ya, girlfriend! My D18 is going through a tough time right now, as well. Acting out, irresponsible, spewing hatred at me (because I enforce consequences), etc... Luckily, or not, she's in her own apartment and going to a Junior College. I finally had to tell her to stop making requests of me, and stop putting me as her back-up contact re: lease, work, school, etc..., because I can't handle the constant calls w/bad news. I'm only responding to her when she's not asking for something. DONE!
So, I TRULY feel your pain!
14, huh? That's a lot. Is Dad capable of handling punishments, rules, etc...?
and before this day I have never felt like a complete and utter failure in just about every department however today I can say that I do.
I understand how your kids behaving in ways that don't reflect your beliefs and values can make you feel like you failed as a parent. They are not you and you are not them. I think there is more going on with your son then just "anger" at the situation. You Serenity are not a failure, you have a voice, you are a fighter for yourself, and you are not done on your journey. You can handle it. Take care of yourself.
Cheers
Coach
(((Rocked)))
Been to long
I stated these things to him over and over and for whatever reason, it isn't sinking in so you are right "tough love" is the only approach I have left...Doesn't make the decision any easier though
(((Mind)))
Well as sucky as it is, it is nice to know that it isn't limited to me and my S...
Last night it took all I had not to slap him into last week.
The "sense of entitlement" him and his Father display make me sick to my stomach...
Is Dad capable of handling punishments, rules, etc...?
LOL Is that a serious question?
Aren't you the one that asked this question? "Let me guess, YOU were the disciplinarian?"
The answer to the first question is no and the answer to the second question is yes.
(((Coach)))
I appreciate you coming here and showing your support...It is always good to see you and I hope all is wonderfully well in your life.
I know your wisdom and words are correct - My mind knows they are right - My heart says different...
My heart says "We didn't raise him to act this way"...
My heart says "Fix it"...
My head says at this time, I can't -
I can't fix everyone and there has got to come a point in time when I have to stop and actually fix myself before I can begin to try to fix anyone else.
((Serenity))),
I can't fix everyone and there has got to come a point in time when I have to stop and actually fix myself before I can begin to try to fix anyone else.
Exactly.
(((Serenity)))
I've been mostly away from the forums for a few days, and I missed what's been going on with you. All I can say is you are in my prayers still.
Well the cops have been here tonight due to an anonomous phone call - They were looking for my son who has violated parole by not being here at 8 - He walked in almost 2 hours after curfew and they were waiting for him
((((((((Serenity))))))))
I'm sorry- maybe he'll start opening his eyes now.
Take care of yourself and the little one, and be ready for when your oldest is ready to admit he needs you- whenever that is. Maybe it'll be a little sooner now.
Bunny
Here's advice from a mom who had a bad kid. Get out of the way. Don't protect him from the police, from the courts, from anything that makes him take the consequences of his actions. The sooner he learns that there are people more powerful than him, who can force him to obey, the sooner he will straighten out. He is smart enough to figure out how to get along in the world. And it is not by being disobedient.
(((Serenity))),
Good. Tough, but good.
For him, for your young one. For you.
I'm sorry.
((((Serenity))))
First, you are not a failure in any sense of the word so please stop beating yourself up.
I agree completely with Lotus. As hard as it is, BECAUSE you love him, its time to let him feel the consequences of his actions.
I'm so sorry things are this way for you. Please take care of yourself and your little one. This is also a lesson for the little one, that there are consequences to the choices we make, bad or good.
Hang in there.
Serenity, I am not a parent, but as a formerly rebellious teenager--and weren't we all--
YOU are not a failure. Your son is a human being, making his own decisions. Nothing in any of your posts demonstrate an inadequate parent. This has been a rough time, and your son is reacting to it.
Do what you need to do to feel safe. Let him take the consequences of his actions.
I send you all the love and peace I can.
None of this is YOUR fault. Your S is making bad choices, and the truth of the matter honey is that YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM CHOOSE DIFFERENTLY.
Let him feel and take the consequences. The worst thing you can do is save him from his choices. Will it hurt? Yes. But it's through our hurts and failures that we have the opportunity to learn.
Have you told his PO about the threats he's made to you? I would...because telling your mother that you're going to wait until she's asleep then cover her with gasoline and set her on fire is NOT in the normal range OR okay.
You're going to have to be strong...this is DBing at its best. Don't show your crying or weakness to your S because it feeds into his manipulation.
What are you doing to take care of yourself during this time?
SD
I know this is not DBing at it's best however this is what I sent to H after he told me my S needed his guidance and he has to many opportunites to get in trouble here with the lack of parental guidance...
It has nothing to do with me wanting S to live in your den of sin and everything to do with the fact that you singlehandedly turned him against me...
No it won't take a couple of weeks, it is already done once I send the information to the PO...
After last night I want it done now...
I don't need the cops here anymore because your son is doing everything he can to get out of here and for whatever reason he thinks living with you will be nothing but shopping trips and no one to tell him what to do.
After the stunt he pulled last night he is damn lucky he isn't sitting in XXX.
Don't you dare say he needs your guidance - (You haven't offered these boys anything in the last 11 months and now you want to be the good guy and clean up the mess you created) because I have been doing just fine since you abandoned your family - You have taken everything these boys have ever known and for what? Your own selfish wants and then you actually question why they are so angry and messed up inside - You should know the feeling or are you still denying that you can remember?
The only guidance you have to offer him is lack of values, loyalty, respect, dignity and morals.
This is the last thing I want for our son.
If he would listen he wouldn't be in trouble however since you set your claws in him he has gone out of his way to get out of here.
Good for you S.
Good to get it off your chest.
Serenity,
Good for you. I'm glad H is going to take him.
Send that information to the P.O.
You are doing the right thing.
(((Friends)))
It is done -
Hubby responded to my email above with blameshifting and projection - Still lying even though I called him on it...
He was hoping to buy a couple of more weeks however I wouldn't relent until I got the answers I wanted...
The PO assigned to our S is on vacation and she called H this morning apparently letting him know it would be at least 2-3 weeks before the paperwork could get moved through the system - I in turn have been dealing with the PO in charge who took maybe 4 hours to get the change done.
I emailed H and let him know S was free and clear to come to him. We got into it earlier when he called me at work and again reiterated about what a great Dad he is and how S will be much better off with him etc...
He had the nerve to tell me that he knows how to set boundaries where our S is concerned - I went off - Let him know right then and there he wouldn't know what a boundary was if it walked up and slapped him in the jaw.
He stated he would know where S was going to be 24/7 and he had something added into his cell phone tracking him (without his knowledge)...
Told me if I had that I should have gone and gotten him whenever he was where he shouldn't be - I stated that is hard seeing as he left me without a car -
He says he bought shoes and clothes for S because he had a hole in his pants when he saw him - I stated it was a luxury to buy clothes when he cut us off financially. (FYI - My S is 14 - All his clothes have holes in them because he buys them that way - DUH!)
He then goes on and on about how I took more money then normal right before Christmas and he had to cancel his Dr.s appt. so that is why he changed his bank and according to his lawyer (who apparently he got the number from the back of a Cheerios box) he doesn't have to pay child support or spousal support because "We aren't divorced honey" (his words) - Wrong Answer -
(Here is where I hit my stride - Because before when I was answering, it was based on emotions once again) - "According to my lawyer as well as the state of Florida, abandoning your family isn't illegal (a form of child abuse though) however cutting them off financially is illegal - If I was the b***h you claim me to be, you would be sitting in a jailcell right now with your bank account frozen. Your child support is about $1400.00 a month with you now being behind 6 months and counting. Had you been smart about this, you would have left it with me taking about $200.00 every 2 weeks."
He had the nerve to tell me he didn't abandon us because he lives an hour away.
He also once again said the OW doesn't live with him - So I backed him into the corner - Asked him why our S had met her when that was the only stipulation I have given him - His response - She happened to drop by the other night when S was there - I responded to him - You should have let her know your S was there and she would have to come back at another time however you just couldn't be the bad guy once again and instead of respecting my only request, you stomped all over it.
Once he heard I had a lawyer and what my lawyer had said, his whole tone changed - Then he was nice and sweet and no longer snarky -
To late, I ended the conversation by stating I had an appointment and said bye and hung up on him - No more I love you's - I DIDN'T WAIT FOR THE I LOVE YOU!!!! Can I get a mental high five?
So - Veterans - How did I do?
Once he heard I had a lawyer and what my lawyer had said, his whole tone changed - Then he was nice and sweet and no longer snarky -
To late, I ended the conversation by stating I had an appointment and said bye and hung up on him - No more I love you's - I DIDN'T WAIT FOR THE I LOVE YOU!!!! Can I get a mental high five?
HIGH FIVE!! I love it! it's about time I see someone fight back!
(((Luv))) I thank you -
It may not have been DB perfect however it was Serenity perfect and quite frankly I am done with the mind games he tries to play.
Hi5's all around.
(((Serenity)))
(((MO3)))
Thank you my friend
Even though I know this is the right thing to do, why do I still feel sick by all that has transpired?
...why do I still feel sick by all that has transpired?
Because it is not any easy sitch to deal with. Because (I am guessing) that you haven't eaten much the last couple of days. Because you are running on little sleep. Because you are not a robot and are allowed to have emotions. Because this is not how you visioned things to be.
I am praying that God may offer you peace and comfort.
Mo3
(((Luv))) I thank you -
It may not have been DB perfect however it was Serenity perfect and quite frankly I am done with the mind games he tries to play.
I say it's DB perfect BECAUSE:
1. It's DEFINITELY a 180;
2. It sets a clear boundary about what crap you will listen to and what you'll put up with;
3. You let go of what he thought or how he'd respond (can I get a detached here?);
4. You weren't pursuing.
I'd say that's pretty textbook, and INCREDIBLY healthy for YOU.
You're kind of my hero right now!
SD
(((Serenity)))
You did what you had to do and you did just fine
Praying for you and your family tonight.
(((((Serenity)))))
It had to be done. There may be a little ugliness ahead! But you can deal with it!
(((Hugs to all)))
I thank each of you for your support, prayers and kind hearts...
I say it's DB perfect BECAUSE:
1. It's DEFINITELY a 180;
2. It sets a clear boundary about what crap you will listen to and what you'll put up with;
3. You let go of what he thought or how he'd respond (can I get a detached here?);
4. You weren't pursuing.
I'd say that's pretty textbook, and INCREDIBLY healthy for YOU.
You're kind of my hero right now!
SD ~
Until you put it this way, I felt like I had screwed up big time...
I told a friend last night that when I came here and checked my thread, I was blown away by the way you broke it down and it made me feel 1000% times better having it laid out like this.
Here is where I hit my stride - Because before when I was answering, it was based on emotions once again) - "According to my lawyer as well as the state of Florida, abandoning your family isn't illegal (a form of child abuse though) however cutting them off financially is illegal - If I was the b***h you claim me to be, you would be sitting in a jailcell right now with your bank account frozen. Your child support is about $1400.00 a month with you now being behind 6 months and counting. Had you been smart about this, you would have left it with me taking about $200.00 every 2 weeks."
A few facts always ruin a good argument.
Do more of what works.
Great job Serenity!
Cheers
(((Serenity)))
You are amazingly strong!
(((Coach)))
I am always honored to have you here and I thank you for your wisdom and insight. I have you to thank as well as numerous others here because without you guys, I wouldn't have had the strength to make it this far.
Now if I could only find the Pupster who seems to be MIA
(((Rocked)))
As are you my friend - I will never forget how I came to be this strong as stated to Coach above.
Great job Serenity. I looked back through your developments. And, Coach, as always, is correct.
There's an old lawyer saying about cases. I'll give you the law if you'll give me the FACTS.