He looks like my H, but doesn't act like him!
I first started noticing H acting strange a little over a year ago. That's when he started acting distant and irritable with me. He was the kind of guy that when he came home from work, he would come looking for me to give me a kiss and a hug. Soon though, the hugs stopped and the kiss was very slight and quick. I started wondering what this was all about. About two months later he told me one night before going to bed that he was going to start sleeping in the guest room. This happened to be an evening he had gone for a ride on his Harley for a few hours. I asked him why he was doing this, and he just said because he wanted to.
I then started noticing him come home later from work, and going for many alone rides on the bike. I asked him if I could go, and he would say no,that he liked getting out on the road solo. Soon after that, I started getting the MLC script, ILYBINILWY, we should have never got married, I see us splitting, etc. I was shocked to say the least. I bought into all the negative he was saying about our marriage. I did the crying, the pleading, the persuing, all the things I found out later that I shouldn't have done. Our marriage wasn't perfect, but it was good. We had a lot of things in common, and we loved taking trips on the bike. I then tried to change into this perfect little Stepford Wife. The better I treated him, the worse he got.
Several months after that he told me he was filing for divorce, and he was going to live like a single man. I asked him if there was someone else, and he said NO that it was just something in him. He started acting like a teenager, coming and going all the time. I was going into a deep depression, with him not moving out I could see all this going on right under my nose. He would come in late sometimes, and if I was still up he would greet me like it was 5:00 in the evening. On one of those late nights I asked him again if he had a gf, and he finally leveled with me. I was devastated to say the least. He just said sorry, never meant to hurt you, kissed me on the head, and went happily to bed.
I then found this sight... OMG, I started reading and it was my H to the tee. He had found the MLC book! lol
So I found out what I needed to do, and bought the books. From what I can tell, this all started when he bought the bike. Imagine that! lol The OW, who I call Skank, is someone who used to work for him in his office. Fifteen years younger, and married three times. WOW, she got herself an old boss who is in MLC!
Ten days before Christmas, he told me he filed for divorce. Probably what Skank wanted for Christmas. To ease her guilty conscience, oh wait she doesn't have one! I received the papers two days before Christmas, and saw an attorney on Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas to me! He didn't want me to have anything. We filed my response, asking for what I'm entitled to, and he was furious to say the least.
Since then, we are still living together and he continues to do his thing. My attorney says this is the weirdest divorce she has ever worked on. No response from him, he by the way filed his own paperwork
I know the H I love and married is in there somewhere. I just hope he comes to his senses before this D comes through. I have put this in the hands of GOD and keeping my Faith that this marriage can be restored. I know I can forgive, the hard part will be the forgetting. This has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through. But you all know that...
Finally jumped on board and told my story. Sorry, I knew it would be long.
I prayer for my H and all your spouses that they wake up, realize what they are doing, and turn their lives back towards us. For we are the ones who truly love them, or we wouldn't be here.
MJ
If it were me I would out the A. Is it widely known about at work?
If he is her boss hten he has abused his position in having an A with her and I would think that was a dismissible offence.
My H had an 18 month A with one of his staff. He is the CEO of a Co. Unfortunately all his staff knew about the A, and although not happy about it had covered for him. However, the directors if the Co. seemed not to know and so I made it VERY clear that I would inform them of what had happened if they did not stop immediately.
I also outed his behaviour to all our family and friends.
There were other issues involved which are too complex to go into at this juncture, but vasically we manaegd to get things back ion track pretty quickly, although it has taken me a long time yo get over the betrayal.
However, our M seems stronger than ever and in two years we will be celebarting our silver wedding anniversary. We communicate better than ever and we are much kinder to one another.
Once I knew of the A I would not countenance 'cake eating' and I made my H make a choice.
Do you have children? What are your ages?
Welcome (finally) MLJ....
I know this isn't the place you want to be (((hugs))) none of us do...Not sure I agree with the outing so I won't say anything and let the longer members handle it...My best advice has come from Puppy...Listen to him...He knows what he is talking about and if you think of doing something...Post here first (That is what I do and he has saved me from a lot of mistakes and more heartache)...I just bought DR today so I haven't had a chance to read it yet but it is highly recommended...He has given you sound advice on my post so I would follow it though I know you may be scared - DO NOT be his doormat! (I did it like an idiot)...Keep posting...This place will help you so very much!!
Saffie ~
Thank you for stopping by and reading my post.
No, he is no longer her boss. She moved to a different dept about two years ago. Imagine that! When he finally told me there was OW, he said he didn't care if I put it on the front page of the newspaper. MLCer's are so level headed aren't they?! It's out. In fact since he filed , they have even been seen out in public together. Breaks my heart just writing this.
This is a second marriage for both of us. We both have children from first marriages. None between us. We have been married for twelve years.
MJ
Serenity ~
Thanks for stopping by and reading my story.
I guess I was trying to avoid putting this nightmare down in writing. I always thought about keeping a journal, but didn't feel like looking at it all the time. Too heartbreaking.
I have D Remedy and it is very good. I have bought many books since this has been going on. I'm always looking for insight. I sometimes wonder if H would have done the same for me.
MJ
Hi mlj,
I'm glad you got around to writing it out. I think this site is really great to help give you some insight to what is happening and in to yourself.
I hope you are having a good weekend. ((((((lots of hugs))))))
MLJ-
I'm sorry about your sitch.
I have D Remedy and it is very good. I have bought many books since this has been going on. I'm always looking for insight. I sometimes wonder if H would have done the same for me.
Couldn't we all wonder if our spouses would do the same if the roles were reversed? It's probably better that we'll never know. IMHO, I think WE are the fighters. WE are the ones who will come out of this stronger than ever before. WE are the ones fighting with all our power to save what we think is worth saving. Some will fail, some will succeed but we all will be winners (although it sure doesn't feel that way now).
Okay Everyone ~
After reading up on so many of you for almost a year, I finally took the plunge and posted my story.
Please pass on any advice or insight you may have concerning my sitch. As you can tell, I very much want to save my marriage even though a D was filed six months ago. Any ideas as to what I'm doing wrong, or what I could do to turn this around would be so appreciated.
I still find it hard to believe I'm going through all this. It kind of feels sureal. Every morning when I wake up, I'm OK for a minute, and then I remember Oh ya, I'm living with an MLCer and going through a nightmare.
MJ
Hi MJ,
I'm so glad you posted your story here and are seeking advice and support from the DB gang. I would like to know the ages of you and your H and if you have children and their ages. It helps us to have a better over-all picture of your family and the stitch to know little details like that.
It certaintly sounds like your H is having a MLC! Can you tell us why the two of you are still living in the same house after filing for D? A lot of couples remain under the same roof and consider themselves separated but due to finances they are not prepared to move out to different houses. I would think living in the same house after filing for D and knowing he has a GF would be extremely tough. Has the D been made final and if not, when is the date?
Okay, if you've read many of my posts then you know most are long so get comfortable (lol).
First of all, know what MJ wants in life. Not what is expected of her or what her family & friends think she should have--but what she really, really wants. If it is the fact that someday your H will come to his senses and that the two of you will get back together, then that is fine. It is good for you to have "hope"--as long as you do not lose focus of reality and the facts you are dealing with and do what is best for you in this stitch. I think a person can go about their lives and not give up on seeing their hopes coming about some day. However, "time" seems to be what gets most DBers down b/c they want things to happen much, much faster than it does.
You said you tried to be the Stepford Wife and it made him worse. So, how about becoming completely different from that? I am strongly suggesting you completely drop the rope. I think that when the other spouse is in MLC, that is probably the most effective DB route to take! If you've read the book, then you know that to "drop the rope" means that you completely turn lose of your H--and you do not-- under any circumstances -- behave as his wife. That means not waiting hand & foot on him, no cooking meals or washing his clothes......NOTHING! You do nothing that you once did as his wife, like picking his clothes up at the cleaners, getting something at the store on your way home, etc. He is completely independent of you and visa-versa. The two of you may be under the same roof, but that is the ONLY thing that is shared. You live your life and he lives his. You do not discuss any of your plans, schedules, or daily details with him. You do not have to explain tell him anything when you start to leave....except "good-bye", b/c you do not owe him any explanations. Besides, it helps to be mysterious about your life--and by not telling him anything that you are doing makes it easier. It may take a while for him to get his head out of his rear before he notices what you are doing, but if anything works....this route will. The main point is that you show no interested in him whatsoever! You must not show any concern about him, no matter how he looks or what he says. He may even try to test your sympathy by saying something pitiful, but don't "cave" when he does, b/c you have to be strong and not allow your emotions to take over.
If you have not emotionally detached yourself from him, then that is a "must" b/c you will not be able to drop the rope until you detach. That is the hardest part of this ordeal according to what LBS's say. You have to put the brakes on each time your mind begins thinking of him as being the way he "once" was b/c he IS NOT that man now. Another hard lesson for the LBS. Don't put yourself through more pain by trying to find your long lost H in this stranger b/c even if you saw a glimpse of him, it would not last but a tiny short time before the stranger in MLC would strike back. You must treat him like a person you were never M to. You must think of him in those terms.....as difficult as it will be.
Don't confuse the fact that you can still have hope about "someday" and yet go on about living your life. You must live as if he would never be a part of it again. You have to have that attitude and you must have a lot of self-esteem and convidence. Men are attraced to women with healthy self esteem. They love women who are confident. So in time, you should become a very attractive lady to this stranger who used to be your H. As I have seen some of them write and say that they were shocked when they were convinced that their spouse was over them and was actually moving on with their life....and then that was when they realized what they were about to throw away. Did it happen every time? I'm sure it didn't, but what else could you lose? He's filed for a D from you, so this needs to be your LRT and live your life as if he will never be a part of it again.
As he sees you going your way and living your own life and not showing that you care one twit what he does or doesn't do......he is more likely to turn back around than anything else you do. However.....and this is very important.....you are not dropping the rope as a ploy to win him back. Dropping the rope is to set yourself free of what his MLC is doing to your life! I'm sure you've had a large dose of it already and have tried enough of the other things to see they didn't change his mind. Dropping the rope may not make one ounce of difference in "him" but it will you. That will be your first step toward finding peace and being able to move forward with living. But as long as you are still hanging on to him, then you haven't dropped anything and are only playing a game. So it has to be "real" in order to feel you have accomplished something for yourself. The extra benefit is "if" he gets his eyes open and wakes up out of the MLC fog......but as you've probably read, it takes a long time.
Build up a support system of friends here on the DB board and come here as often as you can to post to us and express your feelings and what you are doing. That is what gets people through these bad times.
Talk to you later. Take care.
Sandi
Mlj,
Welcome, so sorry you hafta be here.
Please pass on any advice or insight you may have concerning my sitch. As you can tell, I very much want to save my marriage even though a D was filed six months ago. Any ideas as to what I'm doing wrong, or what I could do to turn this around would be so appreciated
Keep writing and we will, too. Keep writing and reading and start chiming in to others' posts (you think
we have all the answers? You probably have some of
our answers.)
Add a profile so we have your vital stats.
Oh, and fasten your roller coaster seat belt.
Sandi ~
I am so grateful that you took so much interest in my situation. You gave me so much of your time giving me such great advice. I thank you so very much Sandi!
So, here are the answers to some of those questions...
M 57
H 56
M 12 yrs ( 2nd marriage for both )
No children between us ( 2 dogs )
We are are still living in the same house because he says he can't afford to move out. He has a good income by the way. I just think he's stubborn and doesn't want to be the one to move out. As for me, I haven't wanted to move because my feelings are he created this, he wants the divorce, this is my home, let him move.
As for D... He filed ( did his own paperwork,no Lawyer yet that I'm aware of ). Then I retained a Lawyer and responded. The you know what then hit the fan because I asked for what I was entitled to. He didn't want me to have much of anything. Just my car I paid for, and this laptop he bought me for my B-day. How nice of him! My L just shook her head. I think he is upset with me because he thought I would just go along with what he wanted on the papers. It has been six months now, and L hasn't heard a thing from him. Yes, it is very hard living this way, watching him come and go and doing his thing. But as time has gone by, I find myself getting stronger. Sometimes I think he's trying to wear me down so I will leave.
I no longer pick up after him or wash his clothes. When I make dinner, I ask him if he would like to partake. I still buy things he likes when I go to the grocery store. I always wondered if that should stop also.
In five days, I am going away for three weeks to visit my D in Georgia. I told him when I was going, but didn't tell him where. Should I tell him anything more? Whenever I visit my parents for a few days in the next town, I always leave a note where I am. Maybe I should stop that also? Also I am wondering when I'm gone, if he will have the gaul to bring gf into the house. Yes, I know it's his house, BUT it's my house too. She would come here, she took up with a married man didn't she.
Let me know when you have more great advice for me...
Thanks
MJ
Hi mlj,
Sorry to hear about your morning.....you have been in my thoughts all day. I want to just break down, but your strength in dealing with you H's behaviour has really given me a boost today.
I agree with Sandi as far as detaching and dropping the rope...for you. For me, we have not lived together for 6 months now and so I am adding some activities.....though I am staying away from my normal "Martha Stewart" behaviors and nothing on a regular basis. No cleaning. Just putting the dishes in the dishwasher. No extra anything. I have so far only made one real meal and he has been here for 2.5 days so far. 3.5 days more to go....I am wondering when the s*^% is going to hit the fan. But, I went on and on about that on my blog.........so lets get back to you.
As sandi said, to get them out of their MLC fog, this will be very time consuming. I also think that bc NO ONE except H can help H, for my sanity and lack of expectations....I am adding way more time for this fog to lift ......for my H anyways. So it is best for us to start practicing living our lives as if we were on our own.
Its like someone said on another blog....I think of my H as a crazy, discheveled homeless person who is just going on and on, rambling things that I really just don't understand! It is just such a good analogy. Its like they have lost all perspective and would you argue with that crazy homeless person standing at the corner rambling? Isn't that just a great analogy?
I just wanted to check in on you, but see that a lot of DBers have responded to your blog. You hang in there and stay tough and dream big for yourself!
Gardener ~
Thanks for stopping by!
Yes, my seatbelt has been fastened for a while(lol)...
Just when I think he is softening and coming around, I start to loosen it a little. THEN he pulls away and I tighten it back up. They say whenever the MLCer starts to come close, they then pull away. Kind of like a pendulum.
I will have to post my profile, thank you for the idea!
MJ
mlj -
Just wanted to stop by and say hi on your thread. I responded to the post you left on my mine.
That is so true for me, too - he starts to soften and seems to be coming around and then I also loosen and then BAM things reverse.
I'll keep checking on you.:)
Hey Trusting ~
Thanks for stopping by! I was wondering where you were. Sounds like you had a great trip. And H called every day. WOW
I will be going away for three weeks soon, and can't even imagine H calling me.
Today was a good day. H was home all day. We watched movies, I made cookies, and we ate dinner together. AND, when he was talking to his D on the phone, I heard him tell her he had a wonderful day! Go figure. I didn't do anything out of the ordinary. Can't wait for tomorrow (YIKES) You know how that goes. What goes up must come down! I need to go fasten that seatbelt now!
MJ
I'm glad you had a good day! Interesting how he said on the phone that he had a wonderful day - I'm sure that was good for you to hear. I know what you mean, hang on for tomorrow.:)
He calls to talk to the kids (supposedly) so I don't know if we didn't have them if he would bother to check in at all, but he did talk to me for a few minutes each time, very amicably.
I'm sure it will do you good to be gone for three weeks. It is so much easier to think about other things when it is not right in front of you all the time.
Good Morning MLJ...
Just wanted to see how your weekend was? (((Hugs)))
MJ,
I kind of laughed when I read where you said he was stuborn about moving out b/c I think I see a bit in you too. The point is if he's making your life miserable enough....it's time to leave that house and stop enduring that torment. But the decision is up to you and when.
Now I will tell you my idea of dropping the rope and others may have their own. To me, it is much more than detaching. Dropping the rope is to act as if he is not in your life......period. If he were not in your life, would you ask him if he wanted to partake in the dinner you cooked? If he were not in your life, would you bake cookies and watch a movie with him? See what I mean? He is cakewalking big time and you have yourself to blame b/c you are thankful for any crumbs he tossese your way. "Crumbs" being his time/attention for you. He is walking all over you MJ. You need to show self respect and make him respect you also. He is not going to do it as long as he knows he can treat you like this and still be able to do whatever he wants and you will be available to watch a movie or cook him food.
IMHO, you are much too nice to him. Do you think I would treat a man who wanted to divorce me like you are treating him? He has life pretty good, doesn't he?
It is hard b/c you still love him. Love can help you endure the rough ride.
Take care,
Sandi
Sandi ~
Thanks for the wake up call...
You are right, I am always looking for something positive from him. Everytime he is being nice, I start getting this glimmer of hope that maybe the fog is clearing. Whenever he is being nice, I act nice towards him.
I know being nice to him is not showing respect for myself. But I don't feel good about myself whenever I'm ignoring him.
I read somewhere on here that you needed to act like a woman he would want to come back to. I wish there was some way to show respect for myself and drop the rope and still be the wife he wants to come back to. I hope this is making sense to you. I know what's in my head, but it's so hard to write down.
If someone would have told me that my H would have a MLC and get OW, and I would stand by him through it all, I would have told them they were crazy. I would have said I would throw him out so fast it would make your head spin.
But here I am... Surprised the heck out of me. Among many of my friends and family. In fact they are surprised that I haven't had a complete meltdown yet. I have gained strength over time, and I know who gets the credit for that.
MJ
MJ,
Listen to Sandi -- she knows what she's talking about. "Being nice" doesn't work!!!
Puppy
Hi Puppy ~
I've seen you on here for a while,and was wondering what brought you here, and what your current sitch was. I tried looking for it but didn't have much success.
And yes, I'm taking all Sandi says very seriously.
MJ
I originally came here to the Sex-Starved Marriage (SSM) forum, as I've been in a long-term SSM. After growing increasingly distant, my wife had an affair in the summer of 2007, and the next three months were the most painful of my life. With a lot of help from the folks on these forums, and by taking a strong stand (including exposing her affair), she ended it after three months and begged me to take her back.
We've had a number of fits and starts since then, and we're still working on the SSM issue. My wife has finally agreed to get some IC, which is a huge step, and I'm still hopeful for my marriage.
btw, although she was originally livid, my wife THANKED me for fighting for her, and said she respected the strong stand that I took.
Puppy
Mmm... Thanks Puppy.
I found it interesting that she thanked you for fighting for her. I'm so afraid my H would be LIVID and just stay that way. Running faster into the arms of his skank, (lol) I mean OW.
MJ
I've studied literally HUNDREDS of affairs. In almost every (not all), the angry-as-a-mad-hornet lividness has turned into NICE AS HELL and even RESPECTFUL within DAYS.
And being "Mr./Ms. Nice Guy/Gal" NEVER works.
Puppy
Well, respectful anyway in my case. I think it's because a lot of WAS equate what LBS view as being nice as us being weak. I don't agree with that, but I think that's how many of them think from what I've seen.
I've actually avoided a lot of arguments/anger in my case from being stronger and less nice. And I feel better about myself, stronger, more self-confident, better PMA. Hasn't helped my marriage, but I don't know that anything could have really... Karen
Puppy ~
WOW!...
I should have participated on here months ago instead of just reading everyone elses sitch.
I'd love to be able to do it, but I don't think it's in me.
I'm starting to wonder if what H wants is to see me get LIVID as you say and fight for him. In the meantime he has gotten closer and closer to OW. I kind of was that way when this all started but in a pathetic, persuing way. Mmmm...
I do have a question for you that I have been rolling around in my head. I leave on thursday to spend three weeks with D in Georgia. How should I act towards him up until I go? He knows I'm leaving but doesn't know where. What about when I'm gone, no contact? What's bothering me most right now is wondering if he brings OW into our house. EEK! If I tell him not to, he would probably do it for spite. And say it's his house also.
Or should I not even think about it? I am hoping being gone so long that he will miss me. But, I don't see why he would since he has OW.
Thanks Puppy for any insight you may have from a guys pov!
MJ
Puppy ~
WOW!...
I should have participated on here months ago instead of just reading everyone elses sitch.
I'd love to be able to do it, but I don't think it's in me.
Sure it is. You'd be amazed at what strength you have deep down, if you only summon up the strength to tap into it.
Puppy
I sure know what you mean by having it in your head but don't know how to write it down.
You can be the wife he would want to come back to! But ask yourself what kind of woman would he want to go back to? I think most men would want the gal he thought he couldn't have so easily. I think he would be attracted to a spunky, sexy spitfire that didn't take his cr@p! You can be like that without being mean and nasty!
I am going to use this comparrison and it is not to insult you, but trying to get you to see this point, okay? You know how it feels to come home after wearing high-heels all day and put on your favorite old pair of house shoes? Are "you" his old pair of house shoes he feels comfortable with? I think you need to shake up that image, if you are. And you.......you are way too comfy with things as they are, whether you know it or not. I can almost see it in your posts.
In my opinion, it is most important that the LBS have the respect of their WAS. Without respect, the R will not be stable enough to build anything else. He won't even be a "friend" if he doesn't respect you first. Do any of us have true friends we "like" who we don't respect? We may have relatives in that category....but not friends. However, I don't think you just want him for a "friend". I think you want him back as your H. In order to do that, you have to be attractive......and I don't mean just physically attractive.
When in MLC, it is hard to get his undivided attention b/c his mind is mostly on himself and what he wants. What did he want before the D? He wanted a R with OW b/c she was unavailable to him.......at least, legally. I believe that is human nature to want what we know is unavailable. As long as you are right there for him to see, hear, and share the time he's not at work or with OW.......you are not unavailable to him. Why would he feel threaten at the prospects of losing you? He divorced you and you are still living under the same roof as he is! BTW, are the two of you still sharing a bed?
Now, you can't hear my tone of voice in my posts and I want you to realize that I'm not trying to see how nasty I can be toward you. Trust me, if I wasn't interested or if I did not care a flip.....I would not be here. So, I do care, and it bothers me to see a woman not have more spunk than this. I bet you have it--but maybe it's been a while since you actually showed it. You need to get some "attitude" and I don't mean to act like a b*tch........I mean attitude in a good way. He needs to see you in a different light. He still looks at you or thinks of you as his W, even though he's legally D from you. Like I said before....He has the best of both worlds. You aren't his W so you can't really "nag" at him and I bet he knows you well enough to realize you are trying to get on his "good side" so you can win him back. Yes? Don't you realize this man KNOWS you? Sure he does! Isn't it time that you are less predictable? What would wake him up and cause him to see that he wants you back.......without you acting like a crazy person? I'm not suggesting you parade the streets naked or anything like that! But I am saying that you need to break away from your "mold" and go get a life! How long has it been that you had a life that did not include him? Do you have friends that are strickly "your" friends and they do not see you as a "couple"? If you don't....then you need to make new friends, which may require you to go to new places! That takes courage, but if you are going to have a new life.....courage is what you will need.
He is not the only one that has grown comfortable in this R. One reason you want things to remain as they were is b/c you don't want to have to venture out and make changes. You may not see changes as a good thing. I wonder if that is the real reason for remaining in the house with a man who D you. I'm not sure I believe it's b/c "it's your home, too". I won't say you are the only woman who has ever remained in the house with a D spouse, but I sure never have heard of it before. That very picture "shouts" one of lack of respect for yourself, MJ. Do you not have anywhere else you could live or could you not support yourself......what is the "real" reason you are staying on? I think it is b/c you can't come to terms with the fact this man D you for OW. And speaking of this OW........that is strange to me. Why is she not wanting to boot you out of that house and take your place? Is she not single where he can M her? What is the hold up? If she was serious about him, she would be applying pressure for him to get out of that house....or get you out, so something isn't quite right there.
Anyway, to become the woman he wants to go back to......you need to get his attention and by doing that....you need to show self respect and stop acting like his wife! Did you get that? You are not his wife--so stop acting like it! Then, go out and get a life for yourself. Don't discuss it with him and don't explain what you are doing at any given time. Don't leave notes and don't call to say you'll be late. That is what M people do. You both have keys to the house, right? Be unpredictable! Don't have dinner waiting on him when he gets home. Instead, don't be there at all and don't show up until very late. If he should show anger at your inconsideration for not saying anything to him.....that's a good sign! Then you can remind him that you owe him no explainations b/c you are a single lady who is free to do whatever she wants to do. If he finally gets the idea that his XW is "FREE"........then that may be the first tiny step in opening his eyes. You being "free" means you are unattached and available to other men. Hey.......you may not be interested in seeing anybody, but you don't tell him that. If he expresses any concerns about your life or other men or whatever.....don't you dare reassure him! Let him wonder about OM being interested in you. That's good!
If you are not exercising and doing things that are good for you, then that is another "must". You need to do things we women like that make us feel pretty and puts a pep into our step. Whatever that may be.......a new hair color, make-over.....new fashions.....try something different!! Taking good care of yourself will show not only on the outside, but it will shine from the inside of you......and that is what he is going to notice. The "new you" that begins to shine from the inside out. Maybe you need to do a lot of self improment.....I don't know. But if you do.....then get started girl, b/c it's never too late to work on ourself! I can say that it isn't as easy as it use to be......but it is possible....lol.
MJ, I suspect your self-esteem has suffered after your H left you for OW, which is natural. But you can pep that esteem back up where it needs to be. There are many places on the Internet that has free material on this very subject. I have printed off information on women's self-esteem and it is helpful. He is not going to do anything to help the situation. You realize that, don't you? It is up to you. It is up to you...especially....to pick yourself up and make a life. Now, this is the most important part so please don't miss what I'm about to say to you. You must live your life as though he will never be your H again. B/c that may very well be the truth. When you can accept that fact, you WILL be able to mentally and emotionally drop that rope you have tied to him and let it go and then move on with "living". But you have to accept things for what they are and stop hanging onto him. You can use the "house" or whatever, but I know.....and he knows....that you are clinging to that man, hoping that he will snap out of his MLC and want to be with you again. You can't live like that. I'm not saying that you completely "give up" ever hoping for something in the future. But it is possible to drop that emotional rope and act "as if" he is no longer a part of your life. Can you try to do that? Even if you can't really "feel" the emotional dropping of the rope at first.....you can pretend that you are doing it until you actually have suceeded.
Okay, enough for now. I will check back tomorrow and see how you are doing. Hope you will read post in the MLC forum. Don't confuse the different senerios and the different approaches to the DBing.
Take care,
Sandi
Hi MJ,
Like you, I read for months before beginning my own thread. I have a crazy MLC H and an even crazier sitch. I've been at this for 2 years now and the concept that DB will save the LBS and POSSIBLY the M is finally making sense to me. I'll defer to Sandi and Puppy for their stellar advice but:
Look at this:
I'm starting to wonder if what H wants...
and this:
What's bothering me most right now is wondering if he...
You must stop wondering what he thinks or what he'll do. There's no way in h*ll you'll be able to figure it out anyway. Put the focus on YOU. Tell him where you're going only if he asks. Be polite. The OW will do herself in eventually but it will take time.
Enjoy Georgia and your D!
So would you all recommend no ML?
Sandi ~
Just wanted to clarify a few things. My post was long and may have been confusing.
We are not D yet.
12/08 H filed doing own paperwork ( no attorney )
12/08 I responded w/ attorney
6/09 Still married living together ( separate rooms )
MJ
OOOOOHHHHHH!!!!! Yes, that could make some difference in my admive. Shoot! Well, okay.....hummmm......I will think a minute and see if I need to back up and start over.
My attorney says this is the weirdest divorce she has ever worked on.
I did misunderstand. I could not imagine why you would continue to live in the same house with the man who D you. But as for the advice I gave you......I stand by what I said. The reason is this, based on what i've read over time on the subject of MLC and how long it "can" take for a person to come through it......you may be looking up to five years before he wakes up. By then, he could be M to OW or do any other crazy thing that comes to his mind. He may take off oa a bike and never come back home. One never knows what a man in MLC may get in his head. I won't say it is a "fact" b/c it is strickly based on what I have read on the board, but it appears that it is harder for men in MLC to get through the process as quickly as women do. So much of a woman's is based on fantasy and her hormone changes, and I think a man's is somewhat different. I certainly am no authority on the subject!!
Anyway, MJ, I don't think what you have been doing has made any difference in the stitch, do you? I think you need a different plan of action. I will go back an tweet my last post since I know you are legally M.
As far making love with him.......I thought the two of you were sleeping in different rooms. Did he come back to the master bedroom or does he just show up when he needs sex from you? Or......is it "you" that goes to him needing sex?
I'll not print the entire last post, but may make some changes.
Sandi
This is the ONLY thing I would change a tiny bit in how to respond to something he might possibly say:
Then you can remind him that you owe him no explainations b/c you are a single lady who is free to do whatever she wants to do. If he finally gets the idea that his XW is "FREE"........then that may be the first tiny step in opening his eyes
Instead of reminding him that you "are" single......tell him you "will be a D lady and soon to be single and free".
As far as he's concerned, he is free right now! How long will it take before the D is final?
I personally would not make love to a man who disliked me to the point of filing for a divorce! If the man told me that he no longer loved me and wanted another woman....no way in h*ll would I have sex with him! But that is Sandi's feelings. But, I think it goes back to your low self-esteem and trying to win him back, MJ.
Anyway, since you are leaving for a three week trip, that holds all kinds of special possibilities. It could be like a new starting point for you. This is the way I see handling things, okay? If I were you, I would not make any contact what-so-ever during the point of leaving your house until you returned. He "needs" that space and time without seeing or hearing from you. You need it also! You need to go with the intent of having a ball and not thinking about your stitch. You need some emotional healing and some lift in your spirit. So, resist thinking and talking about your stitch while gone on your trip. Don't be calling your H, whatever you do! If you break down and contact him, it will show how weak you are and he will not be one bit impressed. However, if you don't contact him......I think he will notice that! Can you do it? Of course you can do it.....you can do whatever you set your mind to do.
When you return home, that can be a brand new start for you. In fact, you can begin living a new life and if he makes any remarks about it, then tell him you've decided to start living like a single person since you are going to be one soon and why should you act like a "wife" any longer. He needs to get the idea that he will not be the only one that will be "free" from this R. The difference here is that he has more or less committed himself to OW, already, where you could be free to date as many men as you want.....or to go party as often as you like and answer to nobody! Now, that may not be your cup of tea at all.....it wouldn't mine, but I just used that to illistrate my point. GAL can be anything you life. Heck, go to the library and read until closing time or walk the mall or find a friend's house to go spend several hours. Whatever it takes to get you out of that house with him while he's there. He needs to believe he's lost you, MJ. As long as you are playing the role of his "wife", do you think he'll be worried? Nope! He needs to see you out and about having a good time, enjoying life. The point is not to tell him what you are doing. Be very vague....without lying. Don't give details and hesitate when answering as if you are "thinking" about what to say. Remember, you don't owe him any explanations. Does he give you details about his dates with OW? I doubt it! So, you answer with....."Hummmm......I just went to the mall and looked around". It would be the truth, but he has a tiny bit of doubt and wonder if there was somebody you were meeting. Am I telling you to do things that are immoral? No, I'm telling you to become an interesting person who he doesn't see "WIFE" written across her forehead. When we are mysterious, we become intesteing. When we become unavailable, we become interesting. It is human nature. If he thinks you are no longer intested in him.....then more than likely, he'll get his attention back on you again. I can't promise that b/c it doesn't happen each time and that's why you have to be willing to go on and live life as if he will no longer be a part of it.
So, those are my thoughts. Don't know how well I did in expressing them and I hope I didn't give the wrong idea. Maybe you will read my posts better than I interpreted yours...lol.
Hope you have a good trip away from home. If you can, be sure to stay in touch with us so we won't lose that contact. But, if you can't then please come back to the board and catch us up to date.
Take care,
Sandi
Hey Sandi... Thank you for spending so much time with me.
As far as I can tell, he started changing soon after he bought the Harley. He is a writer and a loner type of guy. Doesn't like crowds, and was content to stay at home watching classic movies. He bought the bike three years ago. We loved taking trips on that bike together. Also built up the Harley wardrobe. Then he started riding the bike more and more by himself. He said he loved the solitude and the open road. I loved riding with him on that bike. Now when I look at that bike it disgusts me. I know skank probably rides with him all the time now. Sometimes when I pull into the garage, I feel like knocking that bike over with my car. But, I wouldn't do that, because after all I'm not in a fog and need to be the bigger person here. If this D were to be busted, we would have to get a new bike. I couldn't stand to be sitting on that seat where she sat.
There has yet to be a D date. I responded in January, and there hasn't been any more action. I'm thinking maybe he doesn't want to give up what I'm entitled to. So he is procrastinating. We are in separate bedrooms, and there has been no physical contact in over a year. Ouch, that hurt to write down! That was probably about the time he started having physical contact with skank. Did I mention that she is fifteen years younger than him, and has been married three times? And one of those marriages, her H cheated on her.
I plan on taking my laptop with me on vacation. So I will be checking in.
Scenerio from last night -
H came home right after work. Then asked me if he could make me anything for dinner. I said no, because I had a big lunch and was just going to have a dessert of some sort. He then made himself a frozen dinner. I was watching a movie in the livingroom and he asked me if I was going to leave it on. I said yes, and he joined me. When he went to bed last night, he even said good night. He hasn't done that in a long time. He even left the door open. He usually closes it.
Could this be because he saw me get the suitcases out of the closet the day before?
MJ
Who knows -- it could mean something, or it could mean nothing at all. In general, when they are having an affair the rule of thumb is "Good = Bad" and "Bad = Good" as far as their moods go, so he may have just had his Skank fix.
Try not to dwell on the "What does it Mean?"s. Just do your own thing.
Puppy
Journaling...
Got to thinking when I was posting this on someone else's thread that it may be good to put it here also.
I always thought what prompted my H MLC was to prove that he's still "got it".
He's in his middle 50's and somewhat overweight.
He has a high profile job in the town we live in. OW is 15 years younger than him, and used to work in his office. I think she wants the notoriety, his house, and the play things. If he didn't have all that, I don't think she would have had an interest in him. She recently got D for the third time ( one of her H cheated on her) and she cried on his shoulder. She cried, he was weak, he fell.
... just thinkn' (sigh)
MJ
MJ,
You have nailed it.
She cried, he was weak, he fell.
Could be the title of any book about an MLC man and the OW.
MJ,
You have nailed it.
She cried, he was weak, he fell.
Could be the title of any book about an MLC man and the OW.
SO TRUE!!!!
Puppy is right.....don't analyze everything he says and does or you'll go crazy trying to figure him out!
About the OW not wanting him if he had not been in his "position" at work......you got it!! I would never have looked twice at my OM if he had not been in the position that I saw as "higher up" and I saw him as a successful man and it turned me on. Yuck!
The OW fed his ego, acted like the damsal in destress and the rest is history. Have you heard the term used on the board.....DAM? Well, your H fits the bill.
Talk later,
Sandi
Tomorrow I will be leaving for three weeks to visit my D on the East Coast. I am on the West Coast.
I am so down... I should be excited to go and get away from this for a while.
Maybe it's because I know he will have three weeks to come and go freely with OW without me being around. I don't want her in my house! He is so fogged up he won't show any respect for that.
Maybe it's because I'm going to miss my dogs!
I don't want her around them either! lol
MJ
Hey MLJ...
I know how you feel and I am so sorry...When hubby left for the 10 days it made me sick to my stomach knowing he went to see her and they were "playing house" together...24/7...Made me want to rip his head off his neck.
Then he came home and yes I snooped and found pics of the 2 of them as well as a hotel key and a book apparently for our youngest child about dealing with the trials of life etc...(The book is still in the car along with his suitcase and the pictures of him and his fat troll)
The only satisfaction I received from my snooping was he looked miserable in the pictures...His smile never met his eyes...It looked forced which made me feel better...
After that I was done snooping...Just brings on to much hurt and I damn sure don't need anymore of that!
As hard as it will be, don't contact him...Try to stay very busy then you won't think of him either...At this point I wouldn't contact my hubby even in an emergency...If you can GAL there even for a short time, it will be very helpful to you and your sanity!
MJ,
Before you go, I do think you should look him dead in the eye and say "I would appreciate it if you don't bring your girlfriend into our home. That would be incredibly disrespectful."
Of course, you won't be able to control it, but:
a) at least you'll be on record, and
b) Maybe, if the man still has SOME shred of a conscience, he will abide by your request.
Puppy
MLJ-
I hope you are able to have a relaxing, FUN time while you are gone! Have a safe trip.
Thanks Faith ~
I plan on having a wonderful time!
I don't really like flying, but with what I've been going through, it doesn't seem to be bothering me much this time.
I have gained so much strength through this.
Mmmm... I wonder if they have any "GOOD" men in Georgia.
Oops... Did I just say that?...
MJ
Well, as you pass right over S.C. think about our esteemed gov who just got caught having his own little secret A!
Hi Silver Fox ~
I was just reading about that...
What's going on with these men who are in office...
There's another one out here by me also. A senator from Nevada.
My H works in gvt also. That's that ole "How To Cheat On Your Wife If Your In Politics" manual.
By the way, D and I are taking a road trip to Hilton Head or Myrtle Beach. She is thinking Hilton Head. Are you familiar with either? If so, could you give me your opinion? Thanks
MJ
Hilton Head = ritzy, quiet, pretty beach
Myrtle Beach = teenagers, bars, crowded beach
The men who are in office? I think type A personalities and entitlement are in play here. And of course, power is sexy.
Thanks Faith ~
I plan on having a wonderful time!
I don't really like flying, but with what I've been going through, it doesn't seem to be bothering me much this time.
I have gained so much strength through this.
Mmmm... I wonder if they have any "GOOD" men in Georgia.
Oops... Did I just say that?...
MJ
TMB, where are you, man!!!
OK Puppy ~
What in the world does TMB mean?
I'm a newby here, be nice to me! lol
MJ
an old poster here -- Trying My Best (later changed it to Doing My Best, since he was so successful at personal growth).
He's now single, and living in Atlanta, and quite the eligible bachelor, lol!! Good-looking, successful guy, too! hahah
Puppy ~
Mmmm... interesting (lol)
I will be catching a flight from PHX to Atlanta on friday.
I've never been there. My D lives in Alpharetta, which is a suburb.
MJ
Silver Fox ~
Thanks for the info!
My D is leaning towards Hilton Head.
I also had a choice to either go to Graceland or Nashville.
I'm leaning towards Nashville.
I would have given anything to go to Graceland years ago, but not to excited about it anymore.
MJ
"Power is sexy"....yes, I think that is how I saw my OM. I compared him to my H and I saw OM as "powerful" in some crazy way. I can look back at it all and see just how "sick" in the head I was!
Instead of allowing your mind to wander off into "What is Husband Doing" land while you are on your trip......focus on you and the short amount of time you will have with your D. Make it count! Make wonderful memories while you are there and don't allow thoughts of H & OW spoil your time with D. He is worth it and OW certainly isn't. Does your D know about the stitch? I hope you won't ruin your time by discussing all the problems. I know it would be hard "not" to discuss it, but on the other hand, it could sure pull your spirits down.
Take care,
Sandi
Hi MJ,
I wanted to stop by and see how you were doing. I have not had any time for this past week or so.....
I hope you have a great....no......an exciting trip. I would agree with Sandi .... though its hard to do.......it is really nice to NOT deal with the thoughts of H at all. If you can, try to minimize how much you talk about it. What I did, was journal on this site, whenever I would feel the need to talk about the R. Then you have some people who you can speak to that have a very minor role in your current life.
I don't know if that makes sense. I will be around all weekend if you need to vent and I will make sure to reply.
Have a safe flight. Lots of hugs.
Hey MLJ...
Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing! I hope you have a fantastic time with your daughter! Be safe (((HUGS)))
He is worth it and OW certainly isn't.
YIKES!! I hope you knew I left out one important word.....I meant to say that he is
NOT worth it.
UPDATE...
Just checking in with everyone who has been keeping up with me and my crazy life! lol
As you may remember, I am here in Georgia on vacation visiting my D. I just got back from Hilton Head SC, and had an awesome time. It has been incredible for my PMA. Also, it has been so peaceful since I'm not at home living in the nightmare with the MLC H.
H texted me twice on the way out of town. The first one was ten minutes after he left for work. He told me to have a good trip. Since I went dim, I didn't tell him where I went. I did text him back, and told him Thank You. Then about two hours later, he texts me again and says not to worry about the dogs. I thought about texting back, and saying I wasn't worried that they were in good hands, but I chose not to reply. Since I've been here, I have had NC. XH has called however, asking if I was having a good time with our D. lol
MJ
Good for you MJ!NC is much easier when you aren't together in the same house...I try as hard as I can even though mine is still living there....I only text him briefly if it is important (the boys) otherwise that is it.
Sad I thought I had a great marriage, life etc...Then he decides to pull the rug out...Makes me wonder who the hell he thinks he is? But such is life...Remember - Pray....Stand for your marriage by kneeling to pray
(((HUGS)))
Serenity ~
What I am finding since I am hundreds of miles away from H, is major animosity setting in. I don't feel this as much when I am at home and see him everyday.
I'm also having the "Who the h_ _ _ does he think he is" feelings. He is so arrogant right now. I am getting the feeling like why should I even want him after what he's done to our marriage. I deserve better! I don't feel much like standing for the marriage right now. And that's what I've been doing for the last year.
Those are my feelings for today anyway! lol
I'm about to put that rug that he's pulled out from under me, right back where it belongs. Maybe I'll roll him up in it!!
MJ
HA! That was a great picture to imagine in my head!
I do know what you mean though. I am so there with you right now. Especially, after my H's visit, the anger has really started to set in. Maybe the reality of it all finally set in. I don't know. But, I definately have days when I am really resenting that he has left me to just deal with everything while he just walks away so that HE can "feel better". AHH! NO insight what so ever about what he is doing to his own life as well as "our" lives.
Anyways, hope you have a productive and happy day! Thanks for checking on me and I hope that you have a FAB time away from it all!
I have been feeling the same way - had a major meltdown from the ANGER at all of this and the damage it is doing to the family.
But then he sticks his head out of the tunnel long enough for me to think that maybe there is hope after all . . .
Until I get angry again.:)
I feel like pushing mine down a deep well right now. He can look up screaming for help and I will look down and say " I can't hear you!"
MJ
I feel like pushing mine down a deep well right now. He can look up screaming for help and I will look down and say " I can't hear you
ohhh....good job of getting that anger out there! I think that is a stage that you need to go through....seriously (and I'm trying not to laugh at your quote, but can't help myself)
Hey MLJ -
I trust since we haven't seen you on here for a few days that you are still having a wonderful vacation!:)
Still thinking about ya, and hoping you are having a wonderful time.
Be safe and have fun!
Sandi
Update... small and quick
After having an awesome visit with my D in Atlanta, going to Hilton Head and Nashville, I will be flying home tomorrow evening. (sigh)
I had NC w/H while I was here. He texted me twice on my way out of town,I answered the first one, but not the second.
I can't help having my regrets about going home. I missed my dogs however! lol
Ah... Going back to the nightmare of living w/ my MLCer. He must have had a great time w/ ow while I was gone. No pressure of having to see me. A week after I get back, he is going away for ten days. Probably with the skank. I don't know. My emotions for him are filled w/ hate today. I have been keeping the faith for so long that he will turn around. Last year when I went to visit my D, he made sure to tell me that he didn't miss me while I was gone. I didn't know it at the time, but he had skank then. That's when he was lieing to me that there wasn't anyone else. I believed him. What a fool I was.
Anyway... On my way out to enjoy what time I have left w/ my D. Lunch, shopping, etc.
MJ
Journaling...
Last night here in Atlanta with my D. Sadness is really setting in. It was so good for me to be away from home for awhile. I need to gather all my strength to go back into the world of living with H who is a perfect MLC student.
I start wondering if he brought ow into our house, and around my dogs. The thought of it literally makes me sick.
I need to stop dwelling on it, before it puts a big damper on my last day. (sigh)
MJ
Hey MJ....
Just stopping in to wish you a wonderful last day! Be careful and I look forward to seeing you back on here (That sounds awful since none of us want to be here lol...(((Hugs)))
MLJ -
It sounds like you had a wonderful vacation. Hope you had a safe trip back. How are you doing?
MLJ,
I read your reference to the "Skank" and it made me smile. That's what I call the ow in my sitch.
Hold your head up proud and remember to keep breathing. Don't let thoughts of what your H may have done while you were gone spoil the happy thoughts of your good times on vacation.
You cannot control what he does. These guys in MLC seem to mostly follow the same script in thought and action. Continue to live your life being the best that you can be. Nothing that you can do will fix what is wrong with him right now. This is something that is "all his" and if you can "let go" and allow him to own it, wallow in it and wear it, you will feel a lot better.
It is not fun to live with a MLCer, but you are doing a great job and all of us reading are thinking of you.
Aw, home....
Thanks Faith and Serenity for checking in on me.
I flew back Wednesday afternoon/evening. My other D who lives four hours away from here (bigger city where I flew out of, and left my car) picked me up and whisked me away to a concert. It was IL Divo, have any of you heard of them? I hadn't. They sing in Italian, and a little English. They were wonderful! They sang Unchained Melody in Italian, which was played right before I walked down the aisle when we got married. My D said we could leave if it bothered me, but I did OK. It was beautiful in Italian. There were lots of couples there. (sigh) Yesterday, after doing some shopping, and having lunch ( I actually can go in some place and eat alone now, something I couldn't do before) I headed home.
As most of you know who are following this thread, my H and I are still living in the same house. He is classic MLC, has said everything to the "T" in the MLC script, has ow, and filed seven months ago. I don't want D, but retained an attorney to protect myself. He doesn't have attorney, filed his own paperwork. My attorney heard from him once. He asked what was taking so long. She told him that she was waiting to hear back from him. When he filed, he wasn't very generous. He wants to let me keep my car ( which I paid for) and my laptop which he bought me for my birthday a few years ago. My attorney just laughed. She even said he is being mean, a typical man in a mid life crisis. Anyway no court date yet. I have turned in all my financial statements. I feel like he may be dragging his feet. I don't know. I'm sure skank is not happy. She by the way is fifteen years younger,married three times already, one xh cheated on her. Currently she is D. He used to be her boss when she was in his dept. He has high profile position and makes decent money. She's clinging to that. I was the bosses wife, and I was always kind to her whenever I stopped by the office. She always had a little cheschire grin on her face like she was up to something. WOW! She has herself an MLCer. I just need to remember, you reap what you sow. I am standing for my M, and hoping he can come out of this before D. I would say it started several years ago when he got the Harley that I loved also. The Joy of the Lord is my Strength. That's how I'm pushing through this. And, that he isn't who I married. I don't know who he is. I wrote to him once, " Wait until the H I knew, loved and married, and who loved and married me finds out what you've done to his wife."
Anyway...
When I got home last night, he greeted me nicely. He asked me how my trip was, and if he could help me get my things out of the car. I just said I had a fantastic time! ( he still doesn't know where I've been). I politely told him I could get my own things out of the car. I guess I wanted to show him that I could do it on my own. Maybe wrong move there, but it made me feel better. I also found a note on the counter that said " Welcome home MJ, H " He said his son, who is 28, my stepson, is coming this weekend for a few days. He lives a few states away, and doesn't get here much. I'm wondering if I should go away while he's here. Go visit my mom. I would hate to watch them go in and out, maybe even including skank in with them. They could even include her D who just graduated HS. Oh lovely! I need to quit thinking like this, it makes me crazy. Focus, focus,focus!!
MJ
Hi Hope ~
Thanks for the encouragement, and your wise words of advice!
Aw yes, 'skank'. I keep thinking that title is even too good for her. I don't capitalize however. lol
I'm going to read up on your sitch when I get some time. How are you currently doing?
MJ
Hey sweetie! Welcome home. Glad you are back.
Aww... Thanks Sandi!
Did I happen to catch that you have not been feeling well? I hope your better! We must all be working you too hard.
I followed your advice, NC while I was gone. I went to missing him a little at first, to only missing my dogs.
So, what do you think? Shall I make myself scarce and take my dogs and go visit my mom while his son is here? She lives in the next town, 30 minutes away.
MJ
I will be okay, it just happens from time to time. Thanks for asking.
About this weekend......how close are you and his son? If his son thinks the world of you, then you would not want to hurt his feelings by "running out" when he comes home for a visit. Also, if you leave, then your H may take advantage of that and tell his son that you are the "bad guy" in the stitch. Even if he sank low enough to take son to meet the skank, your son would see you at home being the wife and his father as the cheating H. If your H doesn't have any more sense than to tell his son that he's interested in OW, then I would not feel embarrassed to sit at home all weekend and show step-son you are not the one running around. But, you know the R between you and step-son and if it is not good, then don't stay at home and be under that much stress......go stay with your mother and tell H that you are giving him "quality time" with his son....
Thanks Sandi for your quick reply!
His S was living with the mother when we got married. We never lived together as family. He was always living in another state, and we would visit every once in a while. He was in HS when we married. We did got along fine however when we were together. I really don't know what H has told him. He might have told him MJ and I are getting a D and I want you to meet ow. I don't think he told him the truth. I found ow so MJ and I are getting D.
On that note...
I always wonder what he has told his side of the family. His mom, brothers and sisters, and I always got along. As close as we could be for not living by each other. Not one of them has tried to contact me to ask what is going on. So I wonder if he has put me in a negative light. I don't think he would have told them the truth that the ow came before the D. Or if he has told them there is ow because we were getting a D anyway. Does anyone understand what I'm trying to say? It just makes me sad to think that they are just going on what he has told them. I have never said anything because of the old adage of blood being thicker than water.
Just makes me sad that they haven't tried to make contact or even ask how I'm doing. His mom is 85 yrs old, and I wouldn't want to tell her at her age what's really going on.
Have any of you gone through a similar situation?
MJ
Hey MJ...
I have to say I have the complete opposite in my case...His Mom has been my biggest supporter from day 1...I talk to her at least 4 times a day (she lives in another state)...I didn't tell anyone else (except the bare minimum to my family)...I don't think hubby has told anyone anything...I do know for a fact he has lied his you know what off to the OW so there is no telling...
I wonder sometimes how much of a b***h I am portrayed as?
Serenity you made me laugh!!
I wonder the same thing. How big of a b**ch did he make me out to be. Would I even resemble that person in the least bit. lol
There were even other couples who we rode our motorcycle with that I have lost contact with. He continued to ride the bike, didn't ask me along, and go with them. I wonder what he has told them. Makes me sad not one of them has called to see how I'm doing. That's why I think he has lied to them. I'm sure skank goes now. AWWW..... makes me so sick to think of it.
Focus,focus,focus.
MJ
Glad I could help
I know from other people that the OW thought this whole time we were seperated and living apart up until the day he bailed...
She moved here (he didn't expect that) and bam out the door he went...
Still haven't had a chance to wrap my mind around that one...
What I do wonder is what the hell he tells her is his reasoning behind not seeing nor talking to our boys?
I can only imagine it has to do with what a b***h I am being or I am keeping them from him etc...
Makes my skin crawl and my stomach turn so I try not to think about it...
Focus, Focus, Focus is totally correct
Speaking as one who always tried to make "brownie points" with the in-laws and failed.......I can tell you that you are wasting energy to even wonder about what they are thinking. They are going to think whatever they "want" to think about you. I hope if there is just one piece of advice you take from me it is not to imprison yourself in that area of worrying about what his folks think of you. I KNOW.....very hard to do, especially if you are a people pleaser....however, it won't change their minds either way. Hopefully, you have earned your own favor with them and it's not based on just being his W.
I've decided to go to moms for the weekend and let H have quality time with his S. Sad, I like S too. We would have had a good time. I just got home and am leaving again. (sigh)
But, that's what you call detaching and GAL right?
Taking my dogs though. They love to go to G'mas and get spoiled.
Mom doesn't have internet, so I won't be on for several days. I will miss talking to you guys. Taking my laptop though. I wouldn't want H getting curious. lol
MJ
Good choice MJ...You can always come hang with me for the weekend
I will miss talking to you...Be safe!
Serenity ~
I wish I could come your way. I would too if you were close.
We would have a great time. I love mojitos!!
But, sounds like your in FL,and I'm in AZ!
I will be thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.
Remember... Strength through our Lord, and keep your focus on HIM. He's on our side girl!!
Talk to you soon,
MJ
MJ...
Mojitos for you and Margaritas for me...Sounds like a plan...You are in my heart and prayers as well my friend...Be safe and I will talk to you soon
Yes He is on our side - No matter what!
(((Hugs)))
In the long run of things, you are probably doing the right thing. Detachment for you is important right now. When you are able to do that, then you will be better prepared to think more clearly. Hope you enjoy your visit. Bet it will do you good to be with your mother. I don't know what I would do without mine. After I was grown, I learned that she is my BFF!
Hi Sandi & Serenity ~
I came home this afternoon (tuesday) and stepson was still here. He seemed happy to see me and we talked all afternoon. At about 6:00 the home phone rang and I answered it without thinking to look at the caller ID. H was not home yet. I said hello twice without anyone saying anything on the other end. I then thought to look at the ID, and it was the skank, so I hung up quickly.
(H has her in the handset directory in our home phone. I took it off once, but he put her back in! Grrr... Usually I never pick up that phone, but we had been busy talking.) I was so pissed that she had the nerve to call here. She probably thought I was still out of town, and called to talk to my step son. So... obviously he must have met her. Grrr....
I told him whoever it was hung up on me, and I think it was a friend of his dads. I wanted so bad to tell him everything his dad has been up to, but I didn't. Twenty minutes later the phone rang again, it was H. I answered J residence, MJ speaking. H asked why are you answering like that, and I told him because I was hung up on twenty minutes ago. I did not tell him by who. He got pissy with me, and told me to put his S on the phone. S talked for a minute, and then handed the phone to me and said he wants to talk to you. H then asked me if I would like to go to dinner with them. I asked if it will be just the three of us, and he said yes. I don't know what prompted me to ask that, but I did. So, I went.
I asked if we should take my car. (I didn't want to go in his suv. I just couldn't stand the thought of sitting where she must sit.) H said we will take the suv. Uh Oh! He opened the door for me, and I got in. I tried so hard not to think about where I was sitting. I was so strong. I hadn't been in H suv in months. I nonchalantly looked around, but didn't see anything out of the ordinary. No signs of skank. He was playing young music on the radio. Not at all like he used to listen to. Grrr....
We arrived at the restaurant, and he ran around and opened the door for me. WOW! We had a nice dinner, and conversation was friendly. Although I kinda felt an uneasyness about him. Sure, he probably had stepson out with skank the other nights, and now with stepmom. H asked where I was the past couple of days, and I said uh... long pause... then I told him where I had been. He also asked me where I went on vacation. H was brave in front of S.
We then came home. H went to bed in guest room of course. Stepson on couch. I wonder what stepson is thinking. I wonder what lies he has told him. I wanted so bad to talk with stepson, and tell him what was really going on, but I didn't. It's his dad. I left it alone. It will come out eventually, but not by me.
I thought I did a great job of DBing tonight. I made sure to look really cute. I had on a short skirt,w/ summery top. My hair was even looking really cute tonight. I thought.( sorry, I don't mean to sound too arrogant here, lol) I was bubbly, but not in a fake way.
Overall, great night out with stepson.
MJ
Journaling...
H acting very pissy towards me this morning. He usually takes the dog for a walk in the morning, but this morning he went for a walk and left the dog behind. The poor dog seemed so confused. Probably had to talk to skank about last night. Redeem himself. He just left for work, he said good-bye to S but ignored me. I feel this hatred towards him, but at the same time it hurts. He wants to be with and is into skank. I am not skank, so he is not interested in me. (sigh).
MJ
mlj,
Understandable, but just realize he is asserting control over you when he can affect your emotions (anger, sadness). Be tough and do something nice for yourself.
Update...
Well, step son is gone. We had a nice visit again this morning after H left for work. I was hoping he would ask me about his dad and me, but he didn't. He is 28 yrs old, and a smart boy. Hopefully he can see what really is going on especially if he was around ow. I think he was, or she wouldn't have called here on the home phone. Probably thinking I was still out of town. OOPS... I was home! lol
H called to see if his son got off alright. He was cordial, but I was friendly/bubbly. I told him son left a little later than he wanted because we were having a nice visit. Which was very true. I made sure to give him my cell # and email address before he left. I will miss him.
MJ
I'm not doing so good today...
H is going on vacation for ten days. I don't know if skank is going or not. He had the Harley apart last night cleaning it up, so looks like he is going on the bike. We have a beautiful touring bike that we would take on many trips.This morning I went out into the garage to see if he had packed it yet. I opened the side bag that I used to use, and I found a shirt. A red, button down, short sleeved, womans shirt. I was heartbroken. My first thought was to cut that shirt up, or destroy it in some way. I called a good christian friend of mine and she told me not to do anything bad to it. She told me to anoint it, and the bike, and pray that a wedge would be put between them.
Another thing that breaks my heart... We used to have two other couples we would ride with and go on trips with. Last year we all went to Sturgis together. I told the wives at the time I thought H had ow. They were surprised I would even think such a thing. We always had so much fun together. Since H rides the bike and no longer takes me along we have lost contact. I have heard through the grapevine that they have taken her in, and they all ride together now. I don't know what he has told them, lies I'm sure. If I had been one of the other wives, I would have contacted the betrayed wife and ask what was going on. AND, not want to ride with the cheating H and his skank. I'm having a hard time seeing how they welcomed her in. They may all be going together somewhere. (sigh)
I've thought about planting something on the bike to make skank jealous. Any suggestions? lol
Any advice for getting through this next week would be appreciated.
MJ
MJ...
I offered a plant on my post when you told me about this...Silky, black, thong panties put into the folds of her shirt
You and I both know that he is telling them lies...He may have told them you were seperated (mine did), not living together anymore (yep this one to) or you all have filed for divorce (yes mine used this one as well)...I think Puppy says "All cheaters lie" and boy that is oh so true...
What you and I have to remember is just that...I have a very hard time thinking hubby is lying to me even when I know he is doing it a part of me still second guesses myself...I can have proof in my hand and he can say the opposite and I will then think well maybe I am wrong...Geez I need someone to beat this into my head apparently
I am still in need of some annointment oil - Though Mac states I can buy it at the local Texaco LOL!
I'm not doing so good today...
Another thing that breaks my heart... We used to have two other couples we would ride with and go on trips with. Last year we all went to Sturgis together. I told the wives at the time I thought H had ow. They were surprised I would even think such a thing. We always had so much fun together. Since H rides the bike and no longer takes me along we have lost contact. I have heard through the grapevine that they have taken her in, and they all ride together now. I don't know what he has told them, lies I'm sure. If I had been one of the other wives, I would have contacted the betrayed wife and ask what was going on. AND, not want to ride with the cheating H and his skank. I'm having a hard time seeing how they welcomed her in. They may all be going together somewhere. (sigh)
Hey MJ-
I just caught up on your posts. I feel for you on this one... my WAS has gone on vacation with OW and our "best friends" (to a place we have all been together) as well as to a B&B in a town we have all also visited together. She & the OW stay with them when the W wants to be in NYC. She has also used another "friend's" house 1/2 mile away as a "love nest" and I have passed my W and the OW out riding their bikes in our neighborhood. Ugh. :-P On a good note, I am (not to be vain) a stunning 6'0" and about 150 lbs after the divorce diet, and the OW "troll" is at least 225 and to call her plain would be kind.
One of the difficult things in this whole mess is the feeling of loss of friends and family. If the WAS should end the A and return (I still pray for that) it will be hard to put the friendships back together in addition to the M....
Be well.
Hey Arwen ~
Thanks for reading my posts...
Yes, loss of friends and family is a heartbreaker.
I can't understand it. H must be telling some doozie lies. I'm sure he is real convincing, he is a schmoozer. With what he does for a living, he is in the public eye all the time. Would you believe his job has to do with politics?! lol
He does his job well, a convincing schmoozer. I don't know what hurts worse, his family not contacting me and asking what is going on, OR the mutual friends. I just don't get it.
How did you know where she went?
I do not ask H. I don't want him to think I'm interested. I think he would be nasty about me asking anyway. I did not tell him where I went on vacation. He finally asked me the other night.
Grrr... The skank is probably going with him. It should be me! The M was good, but he turned into an Alien. I don't know who or what he has become. He will be home from work anytime now. He'll get his things,leave,and have a great time. She will to, with my H. This makes me so sad. I should be the one excited about leaving to go on vacation with H. (sigh)
The next ten days will be so hard.
How did you get through it?
MJ
I too had a not so good day.
Glad you called your Christian friend, if you would have called me in the mood I was in earlier I would have told you to kick it over. LOL!!
I'm new here, so not too sure on what advice to give for the next week. Just keep your head up.
News Flash...
H just attached an empty tour bag ( a bag for holding clothes while your traveling) to the back of the Harley. We usually pack it first then attach it. Must be for skanks clothes.
Grrr...
Stay tuned for further updates
OR
if you don't hear any for a while, I'm having a meltdown!
Focus,focus,focus!
MJ
Newsflash...
Battery on Harley is dead. Not going anywhere too soon!! lol
Major DB opportunity, as I'm helping him out, and feeling sorry for him!
MJ
And looking good doing it, I might add!
He was all set, came back into the house to tell me good-bye, and when he would be back. I then followed him out, told him to ride safe, and see him off. Then Uh Oh!
Do you think someone is looking down on me tonight?
MJ
That's awesome! Good for you to be able to have the grace to be nice to him and help him. Someone is definitely looking down on you tonight.
Hi Faith ~
I haven't talked to you in awhile. How are things going at your house living with your MLC student? Has he been studying the script or does he have it memorized by now?! lol
H left, said he'd be back. He is either looking for a new battery, which would be hard since there's no Harley dealer in our town, OR getting dinner with skank and consoling her about not leaving tonight. I still really don't even know if she's going. Weird thing is he left his laptop at home. There was a time when he didn't leave home without it.
MJ
How did you know where she went?
How did you get through it?
She was working a long term temporary job in IL (we are in NJ) that was ending. She mentioned that when she came home, she would have a little break before starting another project. We own 2 timeshares, and she asked if I would mind if she took a week in one "alone" to de-stress. I thought sure, why not (I had known about the A in IL for about 4 months). Let her take some space, think about things. She was going to be coming home, the A was going to become a long distance affair, maybe she would reconsider what she was doing (Hah! was I wrong!). So I said, OK I thought it was a good idea, she needed a vacation. Two minutes later, she tells me she intends to take OW. :-P So "alone" just means not her and me, not her by herself. I spoke to MIL on Mother's Day, and she is very upset. "Oh if only you had gone with her to IL, none of this would have happened. Now you just seem to be getting farther apart. And now she is going to Colorado with OW and M&S (our best friends)." I felt like I had been hit by lightning. They hadn't even MET OW and they agreed to go on vacation with them. Oh, and one week turned into 2- although the former best friends were only there for 5 days.
The B&B weekend I found out about because I check the call records (incoming & outgoing) on the phone when I come home from work (she sometimes works from home). Any unfamiliar numbers I do a reverse lookup on the Internet. So I saw a call to a B&B in PA, and glancing at her laptop a few days later, I saw an e-mail from former best friends that they had received her e-mail with the reservation confirmation. Phooey.
As for how I get through it, it is day by day- sometimes hour by hour. I am getting a life: going over to friend's, having friends over (I had a party in the house with 15 neighbors while she was at B&B), taking myself to movies, riding my bike, listening to "The Secret", reading and posting here. The fact that I am now working a structured job (I was in real estate) also helps: I don't have to figure out what to do with a large portion of my day as I used to have to. And I am on about my 21st reading of "Divorce Remedy". ;-)
mlj,
Hope the Harley problem isn't too easy of a fix.:)
Things are going along here. My favorite MLCer is MLCing along. He has the script down pretty well (he is an actor type and is good at memorizing scripts and acting the part) but has on occasion recently forgotten himself and actually acted "normal." Then remembers and the alien returns. Ick.
Try to stay as positive as you can the next few days when your H is out of town. It is tough, I know.
Hi Faith ~
H put the charger on the bike overnight, and then was going to get a new battery in the next town this morning. When I woke up he was gone. I did hear him come into what was once our mstr bdrm to empty the trash in the bathrm (garbage day today). I must have been sound asleep, because I didn't even hear the bike start up.
So, he is gone. I don't know where he went, or if she is with him. If she is, I hope they don't get along. But, I can't see that happening since I believe she is too desperate and will hold on to her successful MLCer married man. I imagine she will do anything to please him at this point. She needs to convince him that D is the right thing to do. Grrr...
The last thing my D told me at the airport when I flew home, was to think positive. And Faith you just told me that also. So I will really try. Why do I love him and miss him so much when he's treated me like c#*p? I keep thinking this is not my H. He would not be acting this way. My H loved me and told me so everyday. (sigh)
Day 1 has begun...
MJ
It's nice your H takes out the garbage - mine hasn't done that in forever!
I will pray that you are able to be positive this week. It is comforting when we are able to focus on the fact that God is in control. I know, easier said than done sometimes.
I don't understand how anyone could go after a married man (or woman), but then again we don't know what they tell the OP.
"Why do I love him and miss him so much when he's treated me like c#*p? I keep thinking this is not my H. He would not be acting this way. My H loved me and told me so everyday." - I feel exactly the same way. Why are we putting up with it? My H in a conversation last said he didn't know how long I could go on receiving "nothing" from him since he has nothing to give at this point. I didn't say so then, but I made a promise to him and plan to hold up my end as long as I can.
Hope Day 1 goes okay for you ...
MJ, I will tell you like I've told a lot of LBH's.......a WAS will treat you as disrespectful as you allow them. It is important that you keep your self-esteem and respect.
Day 2 of H being on bike trip (alone or not)
I went to a friends house last night. She holds a womens bible study at her house once a month. It was good for me, and came at the right time. I have not heard anything from H yet, but didn't think I would. There was a message from step son on the phone although. He called to let us know that he arrived at his destination safely.
I do alright when I'm not dwelling on where H went, or who he may be with. I spent some time this morning reading Favorite Weirdo's thread from the MLC archives. He was a former MLCer, who came on the BB to tell his story and answer questions for the wives of MLCers. Very interesting reading.
Wondering if I should text H and give him the message from his s. Any advice would be appreciated!!
By the way, I didn't plant any black thong panties on his bike. They were red! (jk) It was a good idea though!
MJ
Wondering if I should text H and give him the message from his s. Any advice would be appreciated!!
Don't you think if your H really wanted to know about his son, he would call you to find out? Your heart is looking for excuses for you to contact, and that's pursuing.
I will tell you like I've told a lot of LBH's.......a WAS will treat you as disrespectful as you allow them. It is important that you keep your self-esteem and respect.
Hey Sandi - I'm truly hurt to the core. You never told me that
BTW - I'm planning on acting on that advice starting tomorrow.
And there's my W's biggest claim - I didn't give her the respect she deserved.
So is this payback time for her?
Mac is no longer a doormat.
Hmmmmmmm.
MJ listen to the nice lady.
Good night one and all.
Pleasant dreams and may a wonderful day great us when we wake.
Mac
Hi Sandi ~
I'm doing good... I have not contacted him.
MJ
Good for you, MJ! Proud of you!
What kinds of things do we need to do to keep the respect? I don't think my MLC respects me one bit.
Mj,
Glad to hear you are doing well. One day at a time, right?:)
Sandi ~
Thanks for the kudo's!
Faith ~
Thanks for checking in on me.
I went to dinner at a friends house tonight. She is the friend who has been a big support to me through all of this craziness. Whenever I am crumbling, she pulls me right back up again. She has been through this herself. She got D, and is now married to a wonderful man. He thinks the world of her, and does anything for her. Everyone needs a friend like this. But, if you don't, this BB is a great substitute. Here you have lots of friends who are going through the same thing.
1 day at a time... for all of us.
MJ
MJ -
Hope this another good day. It's great you have a friend who is so supportive. I don't have anyone in real life that can empathize or understand what I am going through and don't want to share with them anyway. So I am glad for this BB and people who understand!:)
I wish you all the best in your journey....
Well, it's Friday night, and my Peaceful/Home alone week is quickly coming to an end. H will be home on Sunday. I didn't post here much, but did a lot of reading on other threads.
I managed to clean the house really good. I have pretty much neglected it since this all started. I did surface cleaning, but that was about it. I rearranged the furniture. I put it back to the way it was before all this started. The way it was when H and I would eat dinner in the livingroom, be on our laptops, watch TV & movies, cuddle on the couch and talk. I didn't touch the guest room, where he now resides. Thought about it, but decided since he made the move in there, he can keep it up.
I will be out of town when he gets back. I'm still debating whether or not to buy groceries before I leave. That way he won't come home to an empty fridge. That would be doing something nice, and not LRT. But, on the other hand, what would GOD want me to do. Isn't that unconditional love.
I'm being pulled into two different directions here.
Also, is there anything else I could do with the LRT? AS far as looking like I was GAL while he was gone.
Any advice or ideas would be appreciated!!
MJ
Just wanted to pop over and see how you are doing MJ...
I understand the pull you are talking about...
The unconditional love God wants us to give as opposed to the advice we get here and in the books...
You know the answer to that in your heart...
That is where I am now...
I have the advice I get here and then turn it over to Him and He then will tell me what to do...
I will know in my heart if the response I am about to give is the best one for our sitch...
This is the best way I know how to get through this...
Try it my friend
Just remember - Don't dig up in doubt what you planted in faith...
My MIL is forever reminding me of this and it makes perfect sense
MJ,
Just checking in to see how you are doing. Did you have/are you having a good visit with your mom?
What did you do about the groceries before you left? I have the same struggles - decide what is enough and what is too much "nice" in the situation.
Hey Sweetie, how are you holding up?
Mj
I hope you have a good visit. Unconditional love is key, but God also demands personal responsibility. A big part of me hopes you didn't buy groceries, as he is perfectly cabable of going to the store, but whatever God led you to do was the right thing, of course.
Serenity ~ Faith ~ Sandi ~ Wifey
Thank you for checking in on me while I was gone. When I got home and fired up the computer, it made me feel good that you were out there wondering how I was doing.
If you've been following my thread, you know that H has been on vacation for a week. I did not know where he went or who he was with. I decided I didn't want to be here when he came home, so I went to visit my mom in the next town.
* Wifey, I did NOT go grocery shopping before I left. I also thought he was capable to go himself when he got home. I'm really glad I made that choice too!
I was driving along listening to one of my christian stations feeling pretty good. During the week when H was gone, I thoroughly turned the house upside down, and it looked great! I was having a good feeling about how nice it would be foe H to walk into. All in all, I had a Peaceful week. I was about ten miles from my destination, when I saw this group of motorcycles, coming in the opposite direction. My H who also left on his Harley, wasn't due back until the next day. So, I wasn't thinking much about him, when I glanced over at them as they passed by. There in the front of the pack, was H with the skank on the back! Following behind, were the other couples that WE used to go places with. Needless to say I was devastated. There on the back of our Harley was the skank sitting where I used to be. It was my worst nightmare come to life. Actually seeing them together. The betrayal is awful! It's bad enough getting it from H, but from the other couples who I thought were friends of mine! To just accept ow so easily. I have to say, it was one of the worst moments in my entire life. I honestly don't know how I made it the rest of the way to my moms.
By the time I arrived at my moms, I was crying frantically and she couldn't make out what I was saying. She thought maybe I hit someone and got in an accident. Once I calmed down, and after talking to my mom for a little while, I decided to call my christian friend who has been beside me every step of the way. She told me to pull myself back together, and asked me if I brought my Bible with me. I did. She told me to read Psalm 37 and Psalm 23. I told her I didn't even know how I was going to sleep that night. She said I was going to sleep real Peaceful,if I read them right before going to sleep. And you know, I made it OK. It is so hard getting that picture of them out of my head. I was so hoping he was off without ow. So the whole week while I was gaining strength in the Lord, he was off playing in his sin. (sigh)
On my way home, I had a hard time driving by the place where I saw them. I wondered how I was going to react when I saw him. I am heartbroken, but at the same time I want to beat some sense into him. He is having a ball in Lala land, and the skank is in the mine digging for gold. And I'm here with a broken heart wondering what the he!! happened to my H. When will the spaceship land, bring back my DH and return this lunatic alien.
My mom told me she feels the old H is in there somewhere. She also said she has a feeling that H wants me to fight for him. All this time, I have been treating him with unconditional love. Maybe he is seeing this as me not caring in the least if he has ow. I am at a loss. I still love him, but do I really even want this M restored after what has gone on.
So, that's how my week to myself ended.
H was at work when I got home. I went grocery shopping, and when I got back he was home. When I walked in the door, he jumped up and asked me if he could help me bring in the groceries. I said sure.
Why can't he just wake up.
* Any advice on how I should be acting towards him now?
It's so hard getting that picture out of my head.
My H, our Harley, skank on back.
MJ
Oh, MJ, I am so sorry that you have that picture in your head! I'm glad that you had your mom's to go to to get away from it, your friend to be there for you, and that you didn't buy groceries before you left!
"So the whole week while I was gaining strength in the Lord, he was off playing in his sin." - you are the clear winner here! At least you can rest in that knowledge and hold your head up high.
I don't know what advice to offer you. I wish I did. Just stay strong.
I am sorry my friend...
As if we didn't put enough mental pictures in our heads they just keep adding to them...
I am happy you were at your Moms' house and didn't buy him any food either
I second what TF above me said..."So the whole week while I was gaining strength in the Lord, he was off playing in his sin." - you are the clear winner here! At least you can rest in that knowledge and hold your head up high.
Keep your faith
Hey Faith & Serenity ~
Thanks for your good thoughts. You are both right, I do feel like I am winning. As I continue to live a life in the word of GOD, he continues to live his life of sin. I may have said this before, but I will say it again. I would rather have a broken heart and a clear conscience, than to do to him what he has done to us. As far as holding my head up high... I know I should be, but I'm having trouble doing this. Whenever I am out, store, restaurant etc. I feel self conscience. I don't want to run into any of those ex friends who betrayed me. I don't know what I would say to them. I also don't want to run into people who H has told that we are getting a D so that's why he has ow. I so want to set them straight. AND, I especially don't want to run into skank. I don't know what I would do.
H did not say a word to me when he left for work this morning. I couldn't tell if it was anger or depression.
Why do they continue to treat you like you've done this to them?! He used to call me mid morning and want me to meet him for lunch. Now I am told skank goes to his office and they go for lunch. She has taken my place. (sigh)
MJ
Journaling...
I noticed last night that H had his hand wrapped up. I have no idea what he did, but looks serious with all the bandages and dressings that he bought. I thought it may be persueing, so I didn't ask him about it. Also I didn't care to hear a beligerant answer he may have given me.
H morning routine has changed somewhat. He used to leave about 1 1/2 hours before he needed to be at work. Now he leaves 1/2 hour before work. I know I shouldn't be analyzing because it drives me crazy. My friend reels me back in and reminds me where my focus should be.
Tonight H came home from work, changed into his shorts, grabbed a book and left. Where do you go and read a book. If he went to ow with that book, could things be getting that boring. I was on the phone when he left, but he looked over at me and gave me a see ya later grin.
The joy of the Lord is my strength
Keep my eyes on the prize
Focus, focus, focus
MJ
When H came home last night, I decided to ask him why his hand was bandaged up. He has skin cancer on the back of his hand, and had surgery on it. He had a sore on the back of his hand for years that wouldn't heal. He finally decided to have it checked out. He says they think they got it all. I just said "Oh". Now after thinking about it today, it sounded rather cold. OW is probably babying him to death, and all I had to say was "Oh!"
Shame on me! I need to put the hurt he's put me through aside for just a little while.
So... I'm trying to think of something I can say or do that would not be persueing.
Any ideas?
MJ
MLJ,
Unconditional love does not mean you have to baby him. You might ask if its healing well. Let it go at that. As far as treating him, treat him like he is a business partner. Try reading Citygirl's threads for inspiration.
Your H sounds a lot like his.
You grow in Christ by letting go and letting God. And if you think you should soften the blow when he falls AT ALL, just know that isn't God's plan.
Those ex-friends were obviously never Your friends. They just accepted you when you with H. They are nothing. They don't matter. Who cares what he tells them, because God knows the truth and he blesses you twice because of it. H, not so much.
Hey, MJ. Hope your weekend is going okay so far. I just caught up on your thread. Interesting your H took a book with him.:) I know, it is impossible to try to figure them out and drives us crazy to do so!
I love your words:
The joy of the Lord is my strength
Keep my eyes on the prize
Focus, focus, focus
Great for me today! H and I had quite a conversation last night and it wasn't particularly "fun." Now I am trying to regroup and get my PMA back. Some of the things my H was questioning and really pushing me on about MY feelings I think he is just wondering why I am still here and not bolting with what I have been going through. Unconditional love . . . didn't say that to him, though.
Aren't you a teacher? Do you start back soon?
Know that you are in my prayers, keep that head up as high as you can.:)
I started back to work today, and it went by fast. It did me good, I hardly thought of H at all.
I went to my mom's again this weekend. Since we still live together, him filing, having ow, I find it hard to stay home on the weekends and watch his coming and going. Before I left, I took his Bible off the shelf, left a note on some healing scriptures, and told him I hope he was healing nicely.
Hmm... Gotta go, H just walked in with tons of groceries and being very nice. I wonder if the mother ship is circling.
I will be back!
MJ
... So I'm helping him put groceries away ( he wasn't doing very good one handed, sometimes he doesn't do very good at putting them away two handed) and I am taking notice of everything he bought. There were all kinds of things I like. Everything from my fav flavor of ice cream to mushrooms to diet coke, to yogurt ( which he doesn't like what so ever). He even bought one of those broasted chickens that was nice and hot, with potatoe salad to go with it. If you had asked him yesterday, he couldn't have told you anything I liked. He was even talking to me like he did before MLC. I haven't seen him like this in a LOOOOOONG time.
OK, I need to get my focus back where it needs to be. I know how that pendulum swings. Fasten my seat belt!!
Could he be coming out of the fog... Mmmm....
Nah, probably not (yet)
MJ
Wow - sounds like a great positive!:) And you get to eat well!
For me it is almost harder to keep the focus when H does act "normal" or do something nice because I know he will "go away" again.
Hope you see more positives soon . . .
Great positives MJ and excellent focusing on reeling yourself in before you got sucked in
Every time my "real" hubby shows himself, I wonder is it now?
Then the Beast comes back and I see not yet...
God's will - Not ours
Hey Faith and Serenity ~
Thanks for checking in on me. I'm going to go read up on what's going on with you two after I tell you what happened tonight.
I came home from work, and fastened my seatbelt tightly after what happened last night. So H comes right home from work again tonight. I make dinner with some of the food he brought home last night. When it was finished, I told him dinner was ready if he would like some. He said "Sure!" We did eat in seperate rooms however. H in den/office, and me in front of TV in livingroom. He came in and asked me if I was done, because he was insisting he do the dishes. I can see him from here, and he has this look about him, a contented/familiar "old H" look. He even told me to turn the channel earlier because there was something I would be interested in watching. Somewhere I had been on vacation.
So, I will continue to keep that seatbelt fastened. He just finished the dishes and went back in the other room. Seems he still can't get too close. Guilt? He could still care less? Baby steps?
I was talking to another teacher today at school, and she asked me if I ever saw the movie Fireproof. I said I had. She then tells me that she wished the movie had been out when she was going through her D several years ago. She told me she would have followed what was done in the movie, because if she had, she may have not been D today.
Interesting...
Focus, focus, focus...
Keep my eyes off the situation, and don't analyze.
MJ
How nice that you saw glimpses "old" H for the second day in a row! I know, focus, focus, focus!:) And keep that seatbelt fastened.
I have seen Fireproof and had actually been doing the Love Dare book pre-bomb when I was just trying to make things "better" as I couldn't seem to do anything right. Since then I have figured out what was truly going on. Anyway, the movie was really powerful and I am hoping at some point H and I could work through the book together. Since reading DB I see that so much of that is pursuing which is great in the right circumstances but I figured out I needed to just move out of the way for now.
Hope you had a great day!
Woo Hoo! I made it through the first week of school!
Last year at this time, right before the first day of school, H told me he was filing for D.
I was devastated, didn't know this stranger he had become, and missed the first two weeks of school. I'm so grateful they didn't let me go.
Journaling...
H has continued to come home right after work all this week. We eat dinner,( H still doesn't eat with me, continues to eat in den/office, myself in livingroom ) and he washes the dishes.
Two nights ago, after I went to bed, I heard H talking on the phone. He was talking somewhat sternly, and the only thing I could make out what he said was " I know you don't!"
I have no clue who he was talking to, but if he was talking to skank, this would be something new. It was only texts before, and his cell would be on vibrate.
So, last night... He was sitting in den/office, and his cell must have gone off every five minutes for at least two hours. I don't know what was going on. Every time it would go off, I would turn the TV up. I finally had enough, and busied myself with other things.
H also continues with his new morning routine. He used to leave the house by 6:30, having to be at work by 8:00. Now he leaves after me, and this morning ( I don't work on friday ) he left at 7:30.
I was sitting on my bed reading some scriptures out of the Bible, when he walked right by my bedroom and left. No good bye, have a nice day. He didn't even bring the newspaper in the house like he did before this all started.
I guess this is the rule in the MLC handbook for the morning departure. lol
I have made it a point to be gone every weekend. I don't like being here while he does his thing. Coming and going all weekend long, and me at home fretting over if he is with the skank or not. When I left last weekend, I was thinking how sad this all was. Another weekend leaving town because H has become a stranger.
I am trying to decided if I am strong enough to stay home this weekend. I would love to be home. I much rather be home with H who has come to his senses.
Any advice for me would be appreciated.
Should I stay or should I go?
If I stay, I need to be strong.
Am I ready for that.
MJ
Congratulations on making it through your first week of school! You sound like you are doing well. And sounds like maybe there is a little (or hopefully a lot) of trouble in "paradise?"
Is this new morning routine as of recent or do you mean since MLC?
I think if you want to stay home, then stay. As you said, you are ready to be strong. Do you have places you can get out to locally to get out of the house, particularly if being at home starts getting too hard? It is hard to not let their crazy behavior dictate in some sense what we do, isn't it? Isn't your mom close? Could you go there later in the weekend if you need to?
Hey Faith ~
Thanks for the Congrats!
The new morning routine started when he got back from his trip w/skank.
Mmmm.... Trouble in "Paradise" ? I can only hope!
I think that's why I'm having so much trouble staying home this weekend. This past week, I saw glimpses of "old" H that I haven't seen in a long time. Like maybe the fog was clearing. If I stay home, I may see that it's just as thick as ever, and be so disappointed. Kind of like what you don't see won't hurt you. Let's see, how do you spell DENIAL? lol
It's so hard when your still living with your H in MLC.
How are you doing with this?
I want to go see how you've been doing lately with this.
As soon as I decide whether I'm staying or going.
The JOY of the LORD is my STRENGTH!
I need to remember where my focus needs to be, and not on what he's doing!
MJ
You are an encouragement to me - just wanted to let you know that.
Maybe the trip was just too much skank (LOVE that word, by the way) and he is seeing her for what she really is.
I am having a very hard time living with the MLC lately. I am not sure why - maybe because I do see glimpses of H and then he disappears and I do not like the "new" him. I have let my prayer time slide due to lots else going on so I'm sure my focus is not where it needs to be. There are times I just want to be done and walking seems like the easier option but I won't. Not yet anyway.:)
I am headed to a church group tonight that always helps me and I always come back feeling good.
What have you decided about this weekend?
Faith ~
I know I can't keep running every weekend.
I am going to face my FEAR of what I may see AND
put my TRUST in the LORD that HE will give me STRENGTH.
Maybe this is TEST taking time. To show how much FAITH I have in HIM to see me through.
After all, I am not alone.
H will be surprised I am home.
I hope I don't ruin his weekend.
MJ
Will pray that it goes well - I think surprising them is good.:)
Yes, HE will give you strength!! (working on believing that myself today).
Thanks Faith ~
I have decided to stay.
Surprise, Surprise for H
Why do you think surprising them is good?
He is so used to me being gone. My car is in the garage. I hope he doesn't think I'm gone and walk in with skank.
What a nightmare that would be!
He will either come in late thinking I am gone.
OR
Come home, change his clothes and go out again.
OR
Come home and stay here.
I like the last one better!
I need to find something to do to take my mind off him.
AND
Remember he is not my H right now. He is just someone who looks like him.
I wonder when the Mother Ship will return the real one.
They can have this one, and his little MLC manual too!
MJ
"I wonder when the Mother Ship will return the real one.
They can have this one, and his little MLC manual too!" I wonder too when mine will be returned!:)
I think surprising them is good because it keeps them guessing. Goodness knows they do that to us! I am trying to be less predictable than before though it is hard when my schedule really revolves around the kids.
How did the evening pan out?
I think I like the word skank so much because it sounds so much like skink, those slithery looking lizards that look like snakes with legs. Sounds about right, don't you think?
Journaling...
H came home around 9:00 last night. If he was surprised to see me home, he didn't let on. I greeted him nicely, and he went to bed.
Around 7:30 this morning, he took out on the Harley. I was surprised at that because he still has his hand wrapped up from the cancer surgery that was done on his hand. He still has the stitches.
So, there doesn't seem to be trouble in paradise any longer. If there was, she skanked her way back in somehow. He's into skank now, and I'm NOT a skank. So he doesn't want anything to do with me. On that note, I noticed he didn't take a shower when he got home last night, or this morning. I don't know what he's turned into. Lucky skank! lol
I'm actually doing OK being home this weekend and seeing him do his thing. I just need to remember my DH doesn't exist right now, and she can have this one.
It's like the donkey they threw in the well. Every time they threw dirt on him to bury him, he shook it off and stepped up on it. Finally the dirt pile was so high that he was able to step right out of that well.
I am going to do the same thing. Every time Alien H does his thing,ignores me, treats me with disrespect, I'm going to shake it off and step up. Finally I'll be at the top of that pit, and step out.
I will not be Pit-i-ful.
I am so fed up...
I'm standing for this marriage.
I have forgiven him for what he has done to our marriage.
I have been giving him my unconditional love.
I have been treating him with respect.
My H has a prestigious position in this community. He is always in the public eye.
My H was always well respected.
My H was a man of integrity.
My H was a man who had morals.
I have been trying so hard to be the bigger/better person in all this. Not wanting to cause any trouble for him, because I know this isn't really who he is.
I feel sorry for him.
Skank doesn't love him for him. She loves him for who he is in this town, and what he has to offer her ( security, a beautiful house, and a Harley to ride on). She just got D for the third time, and is fifteen years younger than H.
I loved H for him before we had anything.
It's sad.
As many of you know who read my situation, he filed for D eight months ago.I responded, nothing has happened since. He continues to live at home. I hope he comes out of the fog before it goes through.
It's sad.
MJ
MJ -
You sound kind of discouraged. I absolutely understand being fed up in your stand for your marriage. I have had days like that recently.
Are you sure that H going on out on his Harley early this morning is an indication he is with skank?
If/when he comes out of the fog he will realize what he has been missing the whole time he was with her.
Faith ~
No, I'm not sure of anything.
He could be off by himself / he could be off with ow.
He could have rode with friends on a day trip.
He could have rode to ow place and just be hanging out there all day.
I can't imagine him going on a long ride with his hand wrapped up.
I don't know what he would be doing anymore.
He's been gone all day.
I'm staying strong by keeping it in my mind that H is in his Alien fog right now. He is being a crazed teenager.
The JOY of the Lord is my STRENGTH
MJ
I'm glad you are staying strong! Keep the Joy of the Lord as your strength.
Isn't this alien fog something? Sometimes it is hard to remember that it is just that. Strange how it makes them act like crazed teenagers. I am seeing glimpses of my H again but there are still those crazed teenager parts that need to go and I am sure it is still a long road ahead.
MJ - Just checking in to see how your weekend went. Did you have a good weekend? Was it okay staying at home?
Hey Faith ~
Thanks for checking to see how my weekend went.
It is sunday night, and I feel really good.I wanted to prove to myself that I could stay home and see just how strong I could be no matter what I saw.
Saturday night H/on Harley roared in at about 10:00 He looked really beat. I greeted him nicely and exchanged a few friendly words before he zonked out. I still don't know where he went or who he was with. I will leave that alone. When I went out to the garage tonight though I did notice the passenger foot rests were up as if they weren't used.
H was home all day today. I made a nice breakfast, and he cleaned up afterwards. We made rootbeer floats this afternoon, and then had dinner. He still eats in the other room. It makes me feel bad, then I think maybe it's uneasy for him. Maybe a little guilt?? Nah. Maybe. Also he was talking on the phone to his mother and I heard him say MJ's fine, she just started back to work. Since she asked about me, I'm now wondering if she knows what's going on. She lives in another state.
I have noticed a difference in H weekend routine. There was a time when this all started that he would come home in the middle of the night or not at all.
Friday night he didn't even know I was here, and he came home at 9:00. Would have been better right after work, but at least it wasn't middle or all night.
At the beginning, he would sometimes come home on a friday night and change into different clothes ( clothes I picked out and bought ) and scurry out the door. Oh those were awful days. I couldn't believe he was doing this.
I look back and it's amazing how I made it through this last year. My good christian friend came into my life just in time. I believe that was all part of a bigger plan. Then I found Rejoice Marriage Ministries that convinced me to stand for my marriage and treat H with unconditional love. Then at last this website, and books. I found out so much about MLC. Everything I was reading was everything H was saying and doing. WOW! I couldn't believe it.
I heard something on the Inspirational channel last night.
"Do not fear because GOD is right there with you. GOD is on your side. Once you get to the place where you can let go and really put it in GODS hands a peace will come over you. Also, a teacher doesn't talk during a test, and neither does he. Be still and know he is there.
FEAR knocked at the door
FAITH answered
No one was there
MJ
MJ-
It sounds like you did great over the weekend! I guess now you can choose whether you want to go or stay on the weekend based on what you want rather than because you were afraid of what you might see.
Maybe the tide is turning with OW. We can hope and pray.
I too am so glad that I found the resources about MLC or I am afraid I would have been done already. He is starting to dial down the crazy a bit which is nice. Still, I miss my H and I miss having a H who is involved in what is going on around here. One of these months/years maybe.:)
Hope you are having a good Monday!
MJ - you are awfully quiet. How are things going?
Hey Faith ~
I have just been in a funk this week I guess. I have been doing some reading here off and on, but not much posting. I have also been to the MB site and doing some reading there also.
I am staying home for the second weekend in a row.
When he is out, I try not to think about the where and the who. This one is not the one I want anyway.
Still can't figure out what's going on with H. He came right home from work every night this week. He even passed me on the way home one night as I was sitting at a stop sign. He waved, beat me home, and carried groceries in for me.
There was so much normalcy during the week THEN
last night he didn't come home until 11:30.
I did leave the front lights on for him. I still have a problem with that though. It's always a should I or shouldn't I whenever I go to bed. If I leave them on, am I giving him a message that I agree to his out and about prob with skank. Or turn them off with a H#*% with you attitude.
I had to remind myself about the unconditional love GOD wants me to have for him.
I don't know if there is any trouble in paradise or not. I no longer do any snooping what so ever. I find it's better for my PMA.
He has been home so far today.
I want so much to be in a Peaceful place. Wondering if he is leaving any minute puts me on edge. I want our M life back. I want our weekends back. I want him to take ME places again.
I need to stop looking at the situation and glancing at GOD instead of glancing at GOD and looking at the situation.
MJ
MJ
We all want to be back in that place.it's just about finding our way.things can change from a split second.but our eyes and ears must overpower the the voices in our subconscious and our hearts.
Hang tough,keep the faith and be stronger then he is.
God Bless
MJ -
I'm glad that you felt able to stay home another weekend! Progress, right?
I too have been in a funk this week and struggling with negativity. I guess I am just really fed up and realize how little I like the new H and how much easier in some ways it would be to just throw in the towel and walk away. But I know in my heart that is NOT the right thing to do for me, at least not now. It's just getting my head to agree as well.:) I CAN stick it out if need be.
Sounds like overall things aren't so bad at home - great that he is around today! I know the feeling, too, of wondering when H is going to just up and leave when he is around. Just can't predict it. And the porchlight thing - I go through that sometimes, too.
Hang in there. Sounds like you are doing great.
I just realized I said my above quote wrong.
Should have said...
I need to stop looking at the situation and glancing at GOD
and start glancing at the situation and looking at GOD.
Faith ~
I know what you mean about being fed up and how it would be so much easier throwing in the towel.
In my case, H threw in the towel by filing 8 months ago. I had no input. All I got to do was respond 7 1/2 months ago.
I try not to think about the pending D. I "act as if" that never really happened.
It will be what it will be.
I do know one thing.
GOD is with me, and he is on my side.
(( HUGS ))
MJ
Oh yeah.....I have started looking more at God as well...it is the one reason I have been able to keep my sanity. I think you are doing was well MJ. I, too, am just acting "as if" and lately a part of me has started to actually feel "as if". I am a great catch........;)if I do say so myself.....and he...like any other person would have to win me back. He is losing a lot and the clincher in it is that "he doesn't even know it". I think their ignorance is partly what is hurtful.........but also, what is interesting. I have never been a girl who believes "ignorance is bliss". NO! I want to know and be informed. And I want to be with someone who KNOWS he wants to be with me!!!! My spiritual soul can accept nothing less!!!
Just wanted to check in with you. I got off early today.........around 4pm and yeah!! its still light outside and I have some energy! I hope you are doing well.......from your posts it sounds like you are going strong. Thank you for checking in on me. I really appreciate it.
Be good to yourself. ur friend,
orchid
Orchid ~
Since your home early today...
Fix yourself a good dinner tonight. Nothing frozen.
Or, go pick up some take out from somewhere good.
Maybe a movie afterward. Have you ever seen the movie Diary Of A Mad Black Woman? or Why Did I Get Married? both by Tyler Perry. They are really good.
I have a good Christian friend who is black, and she got me into Tyler Perry's movies.
I was also thinking...
How about getting a cat. A warm body that would be glad to see you when you came home each day. I know you live in an Apt, that's why I said a cat. They are more independant than dogs. A dog is good too, but more dependant on you.
Just a thought...
MJ
Its a thought,the cat, but I am totally scared of animals...when I was 12, next door neighbor's dog attacked my sister and I ran after her and the dog with a bat.......and he almost bit her.....except the neighbor on the other side got to the dog and hit it....but, I just haven't seemed to be able to get over it.
Such great ideas. But, I ended up making mac and cheese! and sleeping for 2 hrs and then just reading up on some stuff. And wow! its 11pm! Gotta sleep. Another day of work tomorrow. I have Monday off this week. No idea what i'm gonna do....maybe I need to decide what to wear for the upcoming D.
BTW, I really like Tyler Perry movies. I haven't seen Why did I get married? I will check that out tomorrow after work.
By the way, how far is you D day...what is happening on that front? I was reading that you were still having some mixed vibes from him? Did I misunderstand? Is he being mean still? OK...my best hug for you!!
Talk to you soon!
MJ -
How did the rest of your weekend go?
Keep staying strong!
Hey Faith ~
Rest of weekend? To say the least confusing!...
He was home all day on saturday. I kept thinking any minute he was going to up and leave but he didn't. We had a nice day. We made ice cream sundaes in the afternoon, and made dinner together in the evening. We even ended up watching a movie together. Then we went off to our separate rooms. (sigh)
Then came sunday... Not so good. (sigh)
He got on the Harley around 9:00 and was gone for hours. Just before he left, I could hear him talking to someone on his cell in the bedroom. I don't think he was talking to skank, since he has never done this before.
He finally rolled in at about 5:00. A rainstorm was moving in, so he probably wanted to get home before it hit. I don't know if he was in town, or was out of town and made it home just in time before the storm. I made dinner, and he ate. I was surprised, as I thought if he had been with the skank he would have ate with her.
Then I got an idea! I was surprised I never thought of this before. On our Harley, there are foot rests for the passenger. They turn up out of the way, when there is no passenger. Last time he came home on the bike the foot rests were up. So I thought, if they were riding together they might be down. I decided I wasn't going to look that night. I wasn't up to the heartache. I even told myself I wouldn't look when I left for work the next morning. The bike is parked next to my car in the garage.
Well... I go to get in my car, and I take a quick glance!
Foot rests were left down. (sigh)
Needless to say, I had a sad ride to work that morning. I was sad all day. He even came home last night later than he had recently been. He was hungry though. He made himself a plate of what I had for dinner, and even ate it in the livingroom where I was. He is late again tonight. (sigh)
I can't figure him out.
But I guess none of us can figure our H's out.
He comes close, he moves back. I don't like this dance.
I read something in the MLC archives tonight. Someone wrote...
When is my H going to realize ow is Fools Gold and I am the Real Gold.
I pulled myself right back out of the pit, and am staying strong. I am going to treat H like I did when we first met. A friend. I did not pursue him then, and I will not now either. I will just continue to be nice to him whenever he is around.
Maybe one day H will wonder "what in the world am I doing."
Maybe one day H will wonder "what am I losing."
Maybe one day H will wonder" how did I lose her."
Maybe one day H will wonder" where did she go."
Maybe one day he'll wake up.
MJ
MJ,
I know what you mean about the dance and trying to figure them out. It is impossible. We are definitely in a pull back mode after some positives it seemed.
I'm sorry your weekend was so up and down. Just think of the ups though!!! He was home with you all day Saturday!
It's ironic because it seems like some of our realizations/progress have been parallel. I too have finally come to the conclusion that I need to just be his friend but right now a kind of distant one. He will have to lead. I will just be friendly and kind with no expectations.
Hope the rest of your week goes well!
Journaling...
Stayed home again this weekend also.
Three weekends in a row now.
Woo Hoo I'm really building my strength.
Let's see...
Friday night he came home and left again.
Then I decided to go meet up with friends.
When I got home ( not really late ) he was home already.
H can see I have a social life! Cool!!
Saturday he had a work thing until 4:00.
Then he came home and changed for the after work party.
Work was legit, but I don't know about the party. Probably with skank. Came in before 11:00 to a W who was stretched out on the sofa in a sexy neglegie. Talked for a little while then went to bed.
Today he was home all day.
We had a nice sunday dinner.
Now I know why they call it a roller coaster ride.
Up down up down up down
It really makes your stomach queezy.
Now I know why they call it a dance.
He comes close he moves back he comes close he moves back
I think we need some dance lessons.
So we can dance away into the sunset!
MJ
Hi mlj,
Thanks for posting on my thread. Doesn't it feel good to go out and come home after they do! Whenever I come home I always hope he is already there. Sometimes I wonder though if it does more harm then good. This is the most scariest rollercoaster I have ever been on.
Hi MJ
I know the roller coaster ride thing.....mine is in my head I think...but, still its there and it stinks. I am trying to find a level ground for myself, but its so difficult...cuz unfortunately, we care about them. Its annoying to me now....
I hate the roller coaster...its so unpredictable....some days I think, "oh, its all going to be ok"...and then reality sets in...I just don't know. In one way I miss my H and in another, I am scared to see him....I am so scared to be with him. I can't imagine what you must go thru on a daily basis...exhausting..... That week that my H came for a visit was seriously exhausting. But you are strong! Be yourself and be true to yourself. You are amazing! Own that MJ!
I hope your week is going better. Do you have anything planned for this weekend? Will check in with you tomorrow....have a good evening.
Hey Orchid ~
Well, the looonnng weekend is here. I have no plans, but H does. He left yesterday on the Harly to visit his family who live in another state about ten hours away. I don't know if he is alone. I was really hoping he was alone last time, and, well, you know the rest of the story. So, I'm trying to think positive. I did overhear him tell his mom on the phone a few weeks ago that he was coming alone. I don't know if things changed since then or not.
Yesterday when I was leaving for work, he followed me out to my car. He said he was going to be gone for a few days, and he would see me when he got back. I was so surprised by this connection ( little, but big for us ) that all I could say was "Oh, OK!". After I left, I decided to text him after I got to work. I told him to ride SAFE, and to have a nice visit with his family. Several hours later, he texted me a "Thanks" back.
Now for the part I'm having a great deal of turmoil over.
When I got home from work, I found an envelope on my pillow, with my name on the outside in my H handwriting. It is a letter, not a card. I immediately went into panic mode. The strength that I have been gaining completely went out the window. I put it into my Bible. I am so afraid to open it. I know how he works. When he told me he was filing for D, it was right before I went back to a new school year ( I am a teacher ). When he told me he filed, it was right before Christmas. My attorney told me he contacted her with questions about D right before my birthday. And now, during this long weekend, he leaves this letter. As of this morning I still haven't opened it. I know, I know, I'm delaying the inevitible. If it's a nightmare of a letter, do I want to ruin my weekend? Is not opening it, and agonizing over it, analyzing it, ruining my weekend? Does he want to push the D through immediately, since its been in a lull for so long? Is he telling me he is moving out when he gets back? Is he telling me he took skank to meet his family? " I, YI, YI!"
Then on the other hand...
Could it be something wonderful that I would be Blessed to read immediately? It would make for a wonderful weekend!
Then the analyzing of where he left it.
If it was bad news, would he leave it on my pillow? Wouldn't bad news be left on the counter, table, or somewhere neutral?
I even thought about not opening it at all, by making it look like it fell behind my bed and I never saw it. My dog gets off and on my bed all the time.
On a side note...
The girl who does my hair, told me she saw H at his work function last weekend. She said there was a strange personna about him. Couldn't really put it in words. She said almost like an emptyness. She hadn't seen him in a while, and said even his physical appearance was surprising to her. She also said he was alone.
This isn't my idea of an exciting weekend! lol
The JOY of the LORD continues to be my strength!
I pray he gives me the answer soon as to when to open the letter, or what to do with it.
MJ
MJ...
It is nice to see you as always...
I have been wondering how things are going with you...
Same ole here
As for the letter...
You will know when it is time to open it...
God will tell you...Just listen for the whisper.
(((Hugs))) my friend
MJ,
Glad I took a couple minutes to lurk! Whatever you decide about the letter, you come across as someone strong enough to handle whatever it may say.
I hope you have a great long weekend!
Hey Serenity & Faith ~
I had a good feeling you girls would check in on me. ((HUGS))
So... What do you think?
What would you do?
Open the letter and put a major damper on the weekend if he wrote something I'm not praying for.
OR
Not open the letter until weekend is almost over and analyze the heck out of it until then.
OR
Ignore it, and if it comes up tell him I never saw it, and do the " Oh there it is, the dog must have knocked it behind the bed.
My dream would be to open it, and find it to be a letter of him wanting to rebuild our M. On GODS solid foundation of course.
That would be an abundant Blessing.
I called my very good Christian friend soon after I found the letter. She has been by my side throughout this situation. She offered to be with me when I read it. I might even have her read it first. Maybe she can break my fall if its not good news. She told me she had a good feeling about it. The reason she feels this way, is because of the love I have shown him during this time.
How are things going with you two?
One day at a time right?
May GOD shower us with HIS Blessings!
MJ
(((MJ)))
How are you holding up? I thought about you earlier and wondered if you had caved and opened the letter yet.
I don't think I could stand the suspense!
Okay, I guess my opinion would be to go ahead and open it sooner rather than later, especially if your friend is with you. If it is bad news, how much worse could be than what you have already had to deal with - impending D and an OW? If it is bad news (or even good) you would have time to process it over the long weekend. And if it is good news, it would also need processing.
It does seem that maybe things aren't going so great with OW so who knows.
That's just my opinion. Only you know if you are ready to read it! It's great you have such a good friend there to support you and be there for you. I know you can handle whatever the letter says.
Hey Faith ~ (((HUGS)))
Thanks for checking on me.
As of yet, I haven't read the letter.
I put it in my Bible when I first discovered it on my pillow, and there it sits.
I wondered why he didn't leave until after I went to work that morning. Usually when he takes a trip on the bike, he is up and out real early.
I just don't know if I'm up to opening this letter from a H who is an MLCer. I've had enough heartbreak to last a life time. We all have. It's kinda like opening Pandora's box. Oh, I just don't know. If it had been from DH at any other time, I would have opened it in an instant. The analyzing of where he put it is driving me crazy right now. If it was blah,blah,blah, I would think he would have left it on the counter. He sealed it, and layed it on my pillow.
I'm getting away for a few hours to see fam, I will be back tonight.
MJ
Sounds like a good place for the letter to sit and wait.
I know what you mean about reading something written by the MLCer. I used to love seeing a card/note/whatever from H because I knew it would make me feel great. Now, I think I would worry - not that I have had anything to read.
I hope you had fun with your family and were able to get your mind of the letter for awhile!
((((hugs)))
Hey MJ,
Just checking in.....didn't get a chance yesterday. I think you have done a wise thing putting it in your bible.....
Other than that, there is no right or wrong in this. Personally, I would open it, esp. with friend around...but also, to get myself together if the news was bad....or even....good. You don't want to react to him....he is not in control...at least that is the persona we are going after...
But, its up to you and like I said...you have it in a safe place. Just got home 20 min ago, but will be around all day for the next 2 days....will keep checking on you.
You are in my prayers...and lots of hugs MJ. Hang tough. You are a strong wonderful woman and you will handle anything he throws at you. Because with or without him, WHO you are does not change. I feel very lucky and priveleged to have met you.
Have a good evening MJ. Trust yourself. You will handle it and you will have support for that extra boost.
Ah.... Orchid you made me cry.
I feel the same about you too girl!
I will be with you in thought every step of the way next week.
And very much in my prayers.
I know you will go with head held high and looking simply fabulous. Remember it's not over until the fat lady sings, goes home, and has dinner. Remember it was after D that Charlyne of Rejoice Marriage Ministries dug her heels in and had it all come back to her. That's what she desired. Orchid you may find a new found freedom that is desireable.
Remember what you told me, YOU are in control.
I only wished we could all meet up and be there for each other during the hard times. I am so disappointed in myself these last few days. I can't seem to gather enough strength to open a letter left by H. I've even thought about not mentioning it to him and if he asks, tell him I didn't feel like reading it yet. Here you are facing a D next week, and I can't even open a letter. Now who is the amazing one with all the strength?! Mmmm...
What are you doing with your day off?
Do you have a new fab outfit for "Orchid's going in/coming out party?
((( HUGS )))
MJ
Hey MJ,
Gosh...today has been just a yucky day....I'm just lazing around. Got a call from H who asked that I not put too much stock in the formality of getting the D....whatever...he admits he is not making all the right decisions, but is looking forward to us finding our way back to each other.
I really expressed my concerns today to him and said I wasn't sure he was really being honest with himself...and his reply was "I want us to make it. It may not seem like it to you...but our goal is the same."
SIGH....ok...whatever...I will just go with it. To be honest, I am skeptical (which I told him) but, will go with it until my instincts tell me otherwise. Right now the voice in me is saying...."hang strong and wait it out and don't make any sudden moves"...so, that's what I'm doing. I know everyone else will think I'm crazy...but the best thing I can do for myself right now is trust in who I am...and act accordingly.
Now Ms. MJ....I think you are doing wonderfully....with this letter thing.....believe me, I understand your fear....at this point in our lives...we have no idea what to expect and we have been handed so many doozies...we automatically want to protect ourselves from anymore hurt. Yes, we are handling it...but....it takes its toll.
I don't think I will ever take anyone in my life for granted again. My H was the one person who i thought...as we all did....would never just up and leave me.
I don't want to take up tons of space on ur blog...but, I met a woman this week who is 59 and divorced for the last 20 years...she has been going from one family member's place to the next...spends about a month at every place...and she was crying and telling me she can't understand why her family and close people don't want her.........I really wanted to tell her she needs to get on an antidepressant, into counselling, and start making a plan to live her life on her own terms...instead of the whims of others...know what I mean?
I want and I want for you, too........more than that. Women are amazing....we deal with so much yet it is so easy for us to fall into some mold of emotional weakness. Our emotions are both our weakness and our greatest strength.
The point being....you are doing great! If you are emotionally not ready to read that letter...so be it....listen to your gut! It won't steer you wrong. That is the part we all have to work on...trust yourself. When you are ready....you will read it. And screw how it looks to anyone...even yourself. When the time is right...you will deal with that letter! And if your H asks you when he gets back and you have not read it yet...YES...you tell him that you will get to it when you can.
So don't beat yourself up today or tomorrow. Your assignment for the next 2 days should be to do one thing that you enjoy...simply for yourself and because you can!
....that is going to be my goal for the next 2 days. I think I may go bowling...yes on my own...cuz I enjoy doing so and well....my goal is to give myself some fun!
Let me know how you are doing today. Will check back in a couple of hours.
Lots of hugs.
MJ-
Just checking in on you. How are you holding up?
Hey Faith ~
Oh I'm doing OK... Thanks for checking on me.
I've decided to open it up tomorrow. I talked with my friend tonight and she convinced me that I needed to do it before H came home. She sounded disappointed in me. She thought I should have had enough STRENGTH and FAITH by now. I should have done this three days ago. She said I made camp in the wrong place. Instead of setting up camp on GODS word and opening this letter right away, I chose to set up in Camp FEAR.
I should have set up in Camp FAITH.
She also wants me to read Psalm 112:7 over and over again.
So... I need to remember that FEAR contaminates FAITH
He's an MLCer what can I say...
He must have come to the part in the manual that says " Put a sealed letter addressed to W on her pillow and scare the bugeebees out of her for a Holiday weekend."
MJ
MJ -
Glad to hear you are doing okay. They do get a pretty crazy manual to go by!
Fear contaminates faith - good thing to remember. That is kind of where I am right now. But maybe not so much fear at the moment as pride and lack of patience. This is tough stuff.
Will your friend be with you to read the letter? Will be thinking about you and praying for you!
Remember - as you always say - the joy of the Lord is your strength!
(((hugs)))
awesome!!!! sounds like u r in a good place~!
Journaling...
I opened the letter today to find blah, blah, blah!
He addressed it My Dear MJ, and signed it Best Wishes (insert his name).
It was several pages long filled with justification and pinning the blame on me for the reason we are getting D. He said he was lonely. Ya right! I have sat here for a year watching him live like a teenager and having ow. He also said it was uncomfortable for him living in the same house with a D looming. My thoughts on that is because I have been giving him my unconditional love and it makes him feel like an a*# so he is uncomfortable. Goes on to say that I blame other people for the breakup of our marriage. ( must be referring to other woman) I have never mentioned her to him! He also is misinterpreting my kindness as denial of everything.He also says I want you to have happiness, but it won't be with me. Blah, blah,blah. He says he feels the presence of GOD all around him. That he knows GOD. If he did, he would not be committing adultry.
I was so hoping it would be a remorseful letter. (sigh).
I read it, and then went to my friends house to read it to her.
I am good. I am strong. I never shed a tear.
My friend said it is almost like he wrote that letter to say, "Hey, I'm over here!" Like he needed to get my attention.
I have been feeling so at PEACE with myself and showing detachment.
He just got home, Oh Joy!
MJ
Journaling...
I need to remember no relationship talk!
If he asks if I read the letter, I'll just say...
"Ya, I read it!"
If he asks if I want to talk about it, I'll just say...
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
OR
"I'm sorry you see it like that."
How does it go...
Don't believe anything they say,
and only half of what you see.
MJ
MJ -
I was so hoping the letter was good news (as were you, I am sure). But you sound like you are doing really well and taking it all in stride. Stick to that no R talk!
Stay strong!
Hey Faith ~
I just posted on your thread.
We were posting each other at the same time... How cool is that!
MJ
Nothing like cross posting!
I'm so glad you took it all in such great strides and with such strenght! I too was hoping for a better letter than that...but, on the other hand....MLCers....are notorious for repeating nonsense...(no offence to your H personally).
I think you are right.....the saying does go something like, "believe nothing that they say and only half of what they do"!!!
Your plan doesn't change in all this...you are doing great. If he asks about it....I would say "yes, I read it".... if he continues to ask to talk about it, I would say "I don't really want to talk about it right now." I think I went further even and told my H that "I understood where he was coming from".
Anyways, way to go MJ!!!! You are doing wonderfully. I'm glad you have a good friend nearby. Hope you have a great Monday.
ur friend,
orchid
Journaling...
It is even more clear to me today what that letter was all about. Projection, projection, projection!
Eight pages of it!
I realize now how sick he really is.
I have no doubt in my mind now he is a MLCer.
It's so sad. It's so sad for our M. It's so sad for him. I'm sad, but strong. After reading that letter, I feel a PEACE about me. I guess it's knowing that it's not me, like they have said all along.
Today I also made up my mind what I'm going to say if he ever asks what I think of the letter.
I'm going to say..." I'm sorry you perceive things to be that way, but my heart goes out to you."
Does that sound too sarcastic for a MLCer?
Does anyone have a better reply?
MJ
Change it to "I'm sorry you feel that way."
Then just walk away.
No matter what you say either pro or con, he's going to argue with you about it.
Eight pages of projection? That is quite a lot of projecting! Strange that he hasn't asked you if you read it. Or not. Who knows what they are thinking!
Still, you sound like you are doing well and I agree with Stuck -just "sorry you feel that way" is what I would say.
Hey Stuck and Faith ~
Thanks for replying with your advice.
Question...
Wouldn't "Sorry you feel that way." Make it seem like I agree with everything he said, and I'm sorry he feels that way.
When he said "You will never have a relationship with me again!" Won't he think I'm distraught over it, and I'm sorry he feels that way.
Is this coming across clear as to what I'm trying to say?
MJ
Journaling (again
)
I was just reading the six stages of MLC...
It sounds like H is in the Withdrawal Stage.
It is mixed with Depression and Anger.
Anger at himself, but taking it out on me.
The tone of the letter was a mixture of woe is me, and it's all your fault.
He came home tonight as nice as could be. I keep wondering when he will ask me what I think of the letter.
He may not even remember he wrote it.
MJ
Hey MJ,
First let me say...glad to read that you are keeping a great perspective on this whole thing and a PMA!! Awesome!
Though I have not done much reading on MLCers since May or so...I think its great if he thinks you agreee with him. Basically, you are validating his feeling. I would agree with Stuck on this.
And...... I think he is expecting you to argue the point and say/feel/think that he is doing the wrong thing.
What a 180 to just say "hmm....you have a point Husband". I think it throws him off somehow. Definately, you will have him wondering....
Remember, you control this...he just gave you the letter....big deal....
How you respond to it, how you use it will be the real challege. Don't say or act based on the fear of losing him.
Honey, be strong. Sorry I'm getting to writing so late. I had a late night.
Continue your own journey in this mess, MJ, don't forget...it's not about him! At the end of the day, stay true to you. What you do or say isn't going to keep or lose him - in my opinion....he has to go thru his little journey...and in the meantime....so do you!
Lots of love and hugs.
Orchid
(((MJ)))
I agree too - I think the "sorry you feel that way" about covers it. I think tone of voice would convey a lot, just a simple non-emotional statement.
Orchid is right on target - validating his point would throw him and "what you do or say isn't going to keep him or lose him" is so true!
Just keep going strong. You are an inspiration! Are you on FB?
Journaling...
Well, another day has gone by since I read that awful letter.
It was cold and heartless. It was something you would write to your worst enemy. So uncharacteristic of what H was before this all started. It doesn't even sound like I know the person who wrote this letter. He wrote that you will never have a relationship with me again. He's right I don't want one! I find it so hard to comprehend what he has become.
My hearts not really breaking anymore. I'm just sad that he has turned into like my thread is titled "A Stranger".
He has not referred to the letter yet. I'm wondering if he ever will. Also wondering if skank had something to do with it. Now there's a thought. Wouldn't it be weird if skank wrote it. It starts off by apologizing for the handwriting. Mmmm... Just a thought.
MJ
It doesn't matter MJ....try to not obsess over the details of the letter...like guessing if OW wrote it...you will start regressing at some point, if you keep doing that...in my humble opinion. I hope that is not harsh...just be careful. You are doing great and I don't want you to lose that "Peace" you have achieved.
What is your plan for this week? Anything new going on?
I will be thinking of you and will still keep in touch ... I will probably need some support this weekend. Although, my goal is to stay strong thruout the weekend!! HeHe!!!
I will try anyways....have a good rest of the week, MJ.
Hey Orchid ~
No obsessing, no analyzing.
I guess it just really sunk in how much garbage there is to this MLC. The letter just proved to me how sick he really is. I have no doubt in my mind now that he is going through a crisis. I will no longer wonder when he is gone, or late getting home if he is with ow. She can have this one. I want the healthy one back.
I will stay STRONG as there is a PEACE that surrounds me now. My coworkers have even noticed it.
I don't know if I mentioned it before, but I read this letter at home by myself. Then I went to my Christian friends house afterwards. She said she was hoping I would read it on my own. That I needed to face my Giant. She didn't want to tell me that she felt if I did this alone it would show her how strong I really was. My gut feeling all along, was that it would not be good. That's why I kept putting it off. She laughed while I was reading it to her. She doesn't even know much about MLC, but she knew it was a projection letter. A blah,blah,blah.
I will continue to be his friend. That's all I can do at this point. I would really love to be the W again to my H.
Hopefully the mothership will bring him back soon. (sigh)
MJ
I have been tempted to say to my H "it must suck to live in your head" but haven't yet.. but wouldn't that be an interesting response!
I'd not use the word "sorry"- maybe it's semantic but you've got nothing to be sorry about IMHO. You can be sad, or feel for him, or even feel bad for him that he feels that way but you are not SORRY bc there's nothing for you to apologize about.
But then again it prob won't matter, if he's like my H he will hear whatever he wants to hear anyway.
MLJ,
Just wanted to say that I got a letter from H early on as well. I think these letters are meant more for the WAS than for us. It shows how conflicted they are are at the moment and the turmoil that is going on in their head. I envision a twister inside their minds that jumbles every feeling/memory/doubt/ together and they just can't think logically so it all comes out just plain wrong and hurtful. what does the book say, don't believe 100% of what they say or 50% of what you see.... well, this falls into the 100% category for me.
Looks like you "get that". Great attitude!
MJ - It helps me when I start feeling like I am going into a tailspin regarding H to remember that he is a mess right now and has a lot of strange stuff going through his head, and that he didn't choose this to happen to him, either. It at least helps me regain my perspective.
Hey Ms Jen ~
What a good idea...
"I feel bad for you that you feel that way."
I like it, although I wonder how he would take it.
I was having trouble with the "I'm sorry" part.
It kinda makes him look like everything he said was right on when it's not.
He hasn't asked yet. I want to be ready with the right thing to say though.
The letter was like a God send. It reinforced my feelings that he is really in MLC. There were so many signs before that.
I wished it would have been a remorseful letter, but that will come.
Thanks for your reply
MJ
MJ -
It really does help when you realize what they are dealing with rather than thinking they are just nasty people now. I too have seen many signs leading up to it even now that I look back. Wish I had known, but then I couldn't have stopped it anyway so I guess it wouldn't have done any good. At least I know now so I dont' think I am the one that is crazy!
Funny how your H hasn't mentioned the letter.
Have a good weekend! Are you sticking around home again?
Hey Faith ~
How is it going today?
Are you seeing any signs of your H, or is alien H still hanging around?
I'm just going away on saturday, not overnight.
I'm not running away from my home every weekend anymore because of alien H. I will just try my best to keep my eyes off the mess he lives in. While he is out living like a teenager, I will be here enjoying my home.
He said in the letter that it was getting more uncomfortable all the time living here with the divorce looming. Oh gee, then why doesn't he quit doing what he's doing. He brought it on himself. I am not the one making him uncomfortable. I wonder if he's ever thought how uncomfortable I have felt seeing him come and go to be with ow.
His phone kept ringing last night. I assumed it was skank keeping tabs on her married man while he was home with his wife. I finally had enough, slammed my laptop closed and went to bed. I asked GOD to please give me PEACE to let this go. I fell asleep, and slept like a baby.
I still can't believe all the projection that was in that letter. I still can't believe I was actually thinking it might be a letter of remorse.
MJ
Hi,
Doing okay today but it has been a hard week overall. It is more alien H still around. Every time I see positives I think maybe, just maybe he is starting to come out of the tunnel and then he goes back in. But that seems to be the process. His pullbacks are definitely not as bad or pronounced as they used to be, it seems. Or maybe I am just more used to it?
All we can do is try to ignore the behavior and do our best with us.
Is there any progress on the D? Didn't he file awhile ago?
Hope you have a great weekend!
Journaling...
I came home tonight apprx 10:00 after being gone most of the day in the next town. As the saying goes, lights on nobody home!
Literally all the lights were on in the main part of the house. The hard part for me is before all this started, H never wanted to go anywhere. He was content to stay home and watch TV/Movie and ordering pizza, picking up Chinese, or BBQing. I always wanted to go out and do something more. Now that this has been going on, he goes out. Grrrrr!!!!
I wonder if this is where the teenager part of it plays in.
We could be out having fun like I always wanted to do. Now skank is the one that gets to do it.
All the way home I was hoping he would be here. I turn the corner to our street, nope SUV gone. He's out in the SUV we picked out together, wearing the clothes I always bought him.
He just doesn't get it. He could care less.
When GOD when?
I guess in HIS timing wasn't tonight.
MJ
MJ -
I had the opposite. I came home the other night with the kids and all the lights in the main part of the house were off but somebody WAS home! He was just down in his cave. So strange.
I have always been the homebody but as of the last few months that has changed quite a bit, a lot for the kids' sake, but it has been good for me.
Keep going strong. Hope you are having a good day today!
((((hugs)))
Hey Faith ~
Isn't it weird how they have a cave. Here it is the Den just off the livingroom. There is no door, just a big arch opening. He sits there in front of his computer or watches the TV that's in there. Then all of a sudden, he's up, gets cleaned up, and out the door. Must be when skank texts him. "Come on over lover boy, where I can take care of you and get you away from that mean wife of yours!"
I am getting so tired of this. Sometimes I feel like whatever, go be with the skank you poor pitiful person. Then you can be pitiful together.
Today I can hear him in the Den shuffling papers around. I was wondering if he may be getting his financial statements together. But then why wouldn't he have done that yesterday when I was gone all day. I wonder if she is pressuring him again. He hates to be pressured by anyone though. So I will sit quietly and let her do herself in. The nicer I treat him, the more he wants to get away. Must be what they mean by killing them with kindness. But what about you attract more Bee's with honey than you do vinegar?
I am having this overwhelming desire today to reply to that stupid projection letter of his. I would like to say...
" I feel bad for you that you feel that way, and my heart goes out to you." And for the part when he says " I know you want to put all this behind us, and pretend it never happened, but it will never be with me." I want to say. " Your right, it will never be with you. Don't you think I have more respect for myself than to be with you after you've been with a skank!"
If only I could get my heart and head in agreement.
I can't believe how into himself he is! Everybody wants him!! Ya ya!
(((HUGS)))
MJ
Hey MJ, I found this very interesting...about u wanting to go out & now he wants to go out & do stuff!!! Ha! Me too.... Always wanted to go out & do stuff & now he likes to & WANTs to go out!!! Grrrrr!!!
OMG!!! Must be an MLCer trait!!
I am so down right now, and am hoping my friends on here can pull me up again...
This afternoon H and I watched a movie together, and had nice conversation. He was even on the floor playing with the dog. Then he left on the Harley. While he was gone, I decided to work on my lesson plans. I made a mistake, needed some white-out, and went into the Den to get it. That's when I noticed the locking briefcase where he's been keeping all the stuff that has to do with the D. It's been in the guest room where he sleeps for months. He must have moved it to the Den yesterday while I was gone to work on the papers. Looks like ow is winning out. The letter last week, and now it looks like he's moving it forward. I am so distraught right now. I've been DBing for months. I've been praying so hard.
Also I saw some pins that you pick up at motorcycle rally's that you collect. Must have been where H, ow, and my former friends all went on that trip together. It hurts when I think he brought her instead of me. Not to mention the friends he was with. The friends I told that I think there is ow. They sympathyzed with me, and then carried on with her.
He came back within thirty minutes. He had gone to the store. He even bought me something I wanted.
I feel so close to breaking soon.
I can't do that though. I don't want to do a backward slide.
MJ
Hey MJ,
I'm so sorry to hear about your day. I know that the roller coaster ride just never ends....its the most frustrating after having a "good" time with WAS. I don't know what to tell you right now...but, hang on...you're doing so well...
Just remember this is a difficult journey....we are going to have bad days...that hopefully will become just bad...moments...
You are in my prayers and thoughts MJ. I am so tired from the drive and just...everything...but will connect with you tomorrow as I have the day off of work. Need to sleep now. Don't worry about the OW... Just focus on you.
You are not competeing with her. She has very big shoes to fill...if that is what she is trying to do..and unfortunately she is starting that journey off on the wrong foot...I think these R fizzle out...in the long run. I mean this is a compensation Relationship that H started at his worst.
AND......As he is having trouble with the R he started when at his best....one has to wonder how long this one will last!
Will check in tomorrow morning. Have a good Monday!!
Hi Orchid ~
Thanks for the comforting words, I know how tired you must be.
I also got to wondering if maybe the friends who all went on that trip together might be pushing it also. They must have all had so much fun together. These were two couples who we met and started riding together about three years ago. When this all started H would go out on the bike and leave me behind. Then somewhere along the line he brought her along. I have such a hard time believing they did this to me. They were around when we started noticing H acting funny and they were consoling me. It's like oh well!
I couldn't do this to one of them!
MJ
MJ -
Sorry you are feeling down and have all that going on! And you just can't figure these people out - here he is being nice to you one minute and then the letter, the briefcase, etc. Then he is nice again.
Will keep you in my prayers. Have a good day at work Monday!! It is late and I am fading fast . . .
Journaling...
Yesterday afternoon H went to the store and brought back stuff to make Root Beer Floats. He made them for us last night.
I think I'm starting to go crazy. I wonder if you can bring your laptop to the Looney Bin.
Today when H brought in the mail, there was a large manilla envelope from my attorneys office.
Does it ever end?
Do you receive a court date like that?
Or would your attorney call you?
I haven't opened it yet.
I feel I am losing ground.
That MLC H and skank are going to get this D.
(sigh)
I am trying so hard to keep the FAITH.
I feel like GOD pointed me in this direction long ago to stand for my marriage.
I will continue to be STRONG (although I have had some weak times lately)
I will continue to pray for our M and that my H turns his life around before this D happens.
It almost feels like a race to see who wins. MLC H w/skank, or the restoration of our M.
MJ
Hey MJ,
Well, I'm sorry about these endless days of trials for you.
The one thing I hated was getting mail from the lawyer...Geez, that is such a roller coaster all on its own...as if you ever have a moment that you forget that you are going thru this.....getting anything from the lawyer just shoved the entire situation in my face....so I totally know where you are at right now and how you must be feeling. I am still waiting on the final divorce papers coming to me in the mail...EEK!
Unfortunately, I did get my court date in the mail. But, I don't know if everyone does...
Listen up MJ...If that is what it is....I swear the only thing that has gotten me thru this entire fiasco is just focusing on myself and reminding myself over and over again that I am more than my marriage and I am the one who is responsible for my happiness...not H....not anyone else, but me.
Otherwise, honey, take a deep breath and open away! There is something empowering about going thru this entire process and keeping your dignity about you. Its the fact that you are facing ur worst fears....ever. I know you can do this....you have been amazing dealing with the OW. How can a woman do this to another woman....but, beyond that....its NOT her...its his MLC and you, my friend, get the privelage of being a lone sane person amongst the loonies!
Doesn't mean we don't slide back...God only knows, how many times I have sat and just cried my eyes out....did it last night, when I realized I was sleeping alone, a divorced woman. I would never be that girl who believed in a prince charming again. I know its WRONG to believe in them....mainly cuz they are fictional...but, geez ignorance is bliss and I almost miss that naive girl....
Then I become sane and realize the woman is much better than the girl and Thank the Lord I have been given the ability to evolve into this more authentic me. And that I am able to care for myself and not depend on any man. That is a very good feeling.
Ok. I know I have rambled on....hope you are having an ok day.
Hi, MJ -
Just checking in to see how you are doing today. How are things going for you?
Hope you are well MJ...just thinking about you....
Hey Orchid & Faith ~
Ah... deep breath...
It is so awesome to come here and find your replys on my thread. Your words give me so much comfort. AND coming from others who really know what your going through.
I opened the manilla envelope last night. I took it to my friends house. I just couldn't bear opening something else so soon. I knew I had to open it though in case it was a timely matter. It was some more paperwork (financial stuff) I needed to fill out. Also included was a note just to let me know that H has not been in touch with them.
I'll explain... About four months ago, I received a call from my attorney. She said H had called her wanting to know what was taking so long. He, as far as I still know, doesn't have an attorney. He filled out and filed the D paperwork on his own. Then I retained an attorney. She said she told him then that he hasn't put anything out on the table. He didn't want me to get anything but my car (which I paid for) and my laptop (which was a birthday present from him) She couldn't believe how cold and heartless he was. He was awful when he filed. Right before Christmas, and smack dab in middle of MLC!
So, she hasn't heard anything from him yet.
My friend said just to put the paperwork away for now, as I already have given most everything to her already. She keeps telling me not to focus so much on him, and quit analyzing everything. The projection letter, she feels, was written to pull my chain. The briefcase, she feels, was put there to see if I would notice. She also says to replace that fear with FAITH.
I only wished I could be as positive.
It's hard to be when you see all the c&%p they're doing all around you.
MJ
((((MJ)))
So I guess the envelope from your lawyer wasn't really bad news then. It is interesting that your H has not been in touch with them about the D. Wonder how the skank would feel about that?
Maybe along with being a projection, his letter was written as a way for him to convince himself why he wanted the D. Who really knows, though.
Even though you have had all this stuff thrown at you, you seem to be doing well and keeping positive. I need to remind myself frequently to replace that fear with faith, too.
How are things going today? I am guessing your H STILL has not brought up the letter he wrote?
Have a good day!
Well...hey MJ,
Your day seems to have gone well. I'm glad to hear that you are near a friend who can help you keep a PMA! and the focus on YOU!
Well, I just wouldn't bring the Divorce topic up with H...just steer clear of that whole thing. He has enough to confuse him...lets not add to it. I got that piece of insight from my own H. I asked him if he just wanted to take a break and see other women and he said "I'm confused already, lets not make me more confused" I really started to laugh inside so hard. Its the first honest and insightful thing he has said to me in a very long time! That was this last weekend.
Anyways, back to you. So, I'm glad you are up to date with your lawyer. I think its important for you to be in such control! And hopefully he will just drop the ball....I am praying for the haze to lift from your H's head...and maybe he will see the light. Until then you are doing what you SHOULD. You are preparing for the worst. What a great way to conduct yourself!
Have a great day tomorrow!
Hey Faith & Orchid...
My day went pretty good today.
Well... As good as it can go while going through this storm.
After H came home from work yesterday, he started drinking one glass after the other of straight whiskey.
This is someone who really never drank much.
So when he drinks, I notice it right away.
He was very irritable. After dinner, I started cleaning up, because it looked like the whiskey was getting the best of him.
Side note; It has always been that I cook, and he cleans up afterward.
So H comes in and says, " I told you I would clean up!" I just told him that I didn't hear him, and he could finish, which he did. As he was finishing up, I decided this was a perfect time for an "Act As If". So I quickly applied a little lip gloss, and a little perfume, and walked past him saying "see ya" as I walked out the door.
I was gone for several hours... Target, Kohls, filled my car with gas
While I was gone, I started feeling a little remorse that maybe I was too short with him when I left. But then I started thinking about what he has done for the past year.
When I came home, I noticed he had put the front lights on for me. WOW! What a switch!! HIM doing that for ME!
I came in, and he even had my favorite TV channel (TBN Christian channel) on.
He was sound asleep... imagine that.
This morning, he was still sleeping when I left for work. I thought about waking him up, but didn't. He's a big boy, if he's late for work well... so what. Besides he's the boss of his dept anyway.
Oh that reminds me... Lately he's been eating his breakfast standing in the kitchen in his underwear, at just about the time I leave. There was a time, not too long ago, that he was being very private. Which I had to laugh about! I would think to myself how crazy I've seen it all before.
The JOY of the LORD is my STRENGTH
MJ
MJ -
I am glad you got out last night and maybe had him wondering! Did you get some good deals shopping? Have a good Kohls coupon?
It sounds like maybe some little baby steps from your H? I am sure it was nice to have the porch lights left on for you!
I have finally been able to drop the rope as far as reminding my H of things or taking care of those little things for him. Like you said, he is a big boy. He seems to want to be solely responsible for himself (and himself alone) so let him.
I hope you have a great weekend. Another weekend of sticking around home?
((((hugs))))
Faith ~
Yes, I am staying home again this weekend...
A revelation came to me the last time I left town just to get away from his weekend craziness. I started thinking how really sad this is for me. I know a pity party in the car.
I was leaving a home I loved every weekend because of what he was doing. I decided right then and there, that this was going to be the last weekend I was going to do this! I am staying home and facing my giant no matter what I see. GOD is with me and holding me with HIS right hand. I am not alone, for HE is with me. AND no matter what it looks like, I will continue to keep my eyes on the LORD and focus where I am going and not on what I'm going through.
I bought some make-up at Target, and I bought a sexy nightie at Kohl's. On sale of course! I made sure to be up and wearing it this morning when he left for work. He told me to have a great day while going out the door. There was a time not long ago, that he couldn't get out the door fast enough. Probably afraid he'd have to say something to me. And when he did say something, he wouldn't look at me. He had those weird evil/guilty eyes!
There was a time when he would come back into the bedroom where I was still sleeping and give me a kiss good-bye.
How I long for that time again... (sigh)
My goal for today is to have an MJ Day!
MJ
((((MJ))))
You are an encouragement.
I'm glad you took your weekends back!!!
Seems like there are some baby steps over your way. I know, I miss so much the goodbye kisses in the morning. At least I now get a bye and even a have a good day usually. Progress. I know what you mean about the eyes - getting back some of that eye contact is so nice.
Have a great MJ day!!
Journaling...
I just got back from a womens luncheon at church. It was so good. A friend of mine who sings and plays the guitar beautifully performed. There was also a lady who spoke on the Lessons of Grace. She told about living with her MLC H and how hard it has been for her. She finally decided she had enough enough and is wiping her slate clean. She filed for D last week. It was sad. I cried. I would love to sit down and talk with her. I will keep her in my prayers.
Last night I went to a meeting of the motorcycle club H and I both belonged to. He resigned, and because I was the rider, I had to resign also. The people who he still rides with resigned also. BUT, since the ones in the club are still my friends, they say I can still attend the meetings and go out with them afterward. They don't like what H has done, and keep telling me that he'll find out that the grass is not greener on the other side.
After the meeting some of us went out for drinks and a bite to eat. There is a guy who is a member who lost his wife to cancer about a year ago. She too was a friend of mine. He decided to come with us. We went into the restaurant, he sat down by me, and it turned out to be a great night. OMG we talked about everything. How he is coping with his wife's death, how I am coping with my H craziness, life in general. When we all got up to leave, he gave me a hug and kiss goodbye.
Oh did that ever feel good! I haven't had that for a long time. It even made MLC H coming in at two this morning not hurt so much. The skunk must have been with the skank!
I guess there's no trouble in paradise any longer. Whatever!
The JOY of the LORD is my STRENGTH!
I will keep my focus on HIM!
MJ
MJ -
I often wish I had someone in Real Life I knew who had experienced/was experiencing the whole MLC thing, but I don't know of anyone. Do you think you would get a chance to talk to the woman you heard at the luncheon?
It's great that the motorcycle club is so welcoming of you and you can still go to meetings and out with them! And a little male attention after nothing for so long is a good thing, I think.
Hope the rest of your weekend was good!
Journaling...
I got a call from my attorney today...
She told me that H called her. He told her he filed a response to my response( that I filed in December) in the court.
* I knew that locking briefcase was out for a reason. Today I noticed it was not in the office any longer but back in his bedroom.
My attorney said she can't believe this man doesn't have his own attorney that he is doing this himself. She also asked him if there was a chance of reconciliation and he said NO! She asked him if he has talked to me about the D and he told her I wouldn't talk to him. I then told her he has never approached me to talk about anything except for the eight page projection letter. She said she would like a copy of that letter, but I really don't want her to have a copy. She said he was stopping by her office today to give her a copy of what he filed with the courts. He still probably doesn't want me to have anything much. After that projection letter, I'm even more sure I want everything I'm entitled to. He is such a schmoozer, he will probably try to really schmooze her over.
I am good. I am strong.
I'm not really falling apart like I had in the past.
It's amazing how far GOD has brought me.
If H asks me if my attorney said anything to me, or if he knows attorney told me and asks about it, I'm not going to get in a R talk. I'll just tell him my heart goes out to him.
Last night we had dinner together, and he made us dessert. He even told me dinner was very good tonight. Just when I see signs of old H, WHAM I fall down from that rug being pulled out from under my feet. I want so much to tell him how I feel about this MLC of his and what this has done to my life. I won't though. As I have read that this just makes him worse.
I was really hoping he would come out of this tunnel before this D happens. Skank must really be pushing him hard lately.
I will not waver, I am still going to stand strong.
The JOY of the LORD is my STRENGTH
MJ
Journaling again...
H came home tonight and asked me if I wanted a drink.
I said no, then he came into the livingroom where I was watching TV. He asked if he could talk to me and I said sure. He then proceeded to tell me that he talked with my attorney today. He said she told him to sit down with me and talk about the terms of the D. I then asked him why he went to my attorney and he said that's what I'm supposed to do. I then said you should get your own attorney, because I pay good money for her to represent me. He said she is representing you, but she thinks the three of us should sit down together.
I had no reply.
Then he said well that's it then?
I said what I have been going to say all along... " My heart goes out to you."
He asked again, I replied in the same way.
He then said "Thank you, I appreciate that."
Nothing more was said about it after that.
He continued to sit in the livingroom with me, watched a movie, played with the dogs, and ate dessert. Then he went to bed early. He is snoring away as I write this.
He's crazy!
I hate him! No I don't!
Well, maybe just a little.
I think I'll sit on the curb and watch the parade go by.
Anyone want to join me! Orchid? Faith? Serenity?
Maybe you'll see someone in the parade that looks familiar to you also!
We can wave the MLC banner as they march by!
Mj
MJ -
So sorry about all the lawyer stuff and D talk again. It really does make you wonder if OW is pushing him since it didn't seem from your posts like there had been any action for a long time. I know it is discouraging but it ain't over til it's over (and even then it may not be) and we know that God is in control and can rest in that with whatever happens.
It sure does seem like there is a lot of that MLC confusion (have you thought of posting in MLC?) - it is so strange to me tht he will write you a letter, be seeking a D, says there is no chance of reconciliation yet he seems to be home a lot and in spite of what he says about being uncomfortable being in the same house, it sure doesn't keep him away!
Sigh. I know this is all so hard. I'll join you on the curb to watch the parade go by. Should we throw candy (or something) at them???
BTW - I know exactly what you mean about hating him, yes you do, no you don't. I have moments where I honestly feel like I hate my H but then realize deep down I don't, just hate the behaviors and the fact that we are here. And sometimes that is WAAAAAY deep down.
They say the opposite of love isn't hate, it is indifference so I guess it is good I don't feel indifferent.
Hope your day today was better. Remember - the joy of the Lord is your strength! You are in my prayers.
I am here for you MJ...
Even if it is just to sit in silence and watch a parade
My feelings have been all over the place as well so I do know what you are talking about when you say you hate him, then you don't, maybe just a little etc...
((((Hugs)))) my friend
You know where I am if you want to talk
Hey Faith & Serenity ~
I stayed home from school today. I needed to regroup and figured I wouldn't do my students any good in class today.
I noticed his infamous locking briefcase is gone.
I wonder what he has in store for me today.
He will probably tell my attorney that I would not talk terms of D with him last night. I hope she doesn't get upset with me because I wouldn't. It would have led to confrontation and I didn't want that. Especially since we are still in the same house.
So, shall we throw candy to them or at them? Or throw something else?
I have a visual... we can walk in front of them holding up the MLC banner while they follow behind us reading their manuals.
MJ
Hey MJ
I understand about staying home - There are still days I don't want to get out of bed lol
I am proud of you - Knowing that the talk he wanted would have lead to confrontation - You chose to be the bigger person and walk away without engaging...Well done!
Throw candy huh? As long as it is something like mega-jawbreakers I am in LOL
OOH,OOH,OOH!
How about those Atomic Fire Balls?
MJ
YES - That will work...
Make sure my bag is filled to the rim though...
I have a lot of agression to get out LOL!
So we are carrying a banner out front and every once in awhile turning around to lob some atomic fireballs? Or maybe splitting the ranks?
Hey MJ....
Well, You did so splendidly with H's "talk". As if he really wanted to talk! You took control!!! Good for you!! I feel so proud of you.
And I will most definately join you on the curbside. I would like a special TUB of atomic fireballs please! I am definately gaining some momentum in the anger area, as you know....
I'm glad you stayed home and took some time for yourself. I need to take a page out of your book on that matter.
But, in all seriousness.....way to kick some MLC A*S!!
Continue your PMA!!
Journaling...
OMG ... AND the craziness continues!
Ever since this all began, H does NOT put the dishes that he uses in the dishwasher any longer. He washes them by hand and puts them away. He always used the dishwasher before.
So tonight... I was putting some dishes in the dishwasher when he came in and set his dirty dishes on the counter by the sink. He then walked away, and I put them in the dishwasher.
When I finished, I sat back down to watch DWTS. I had been watching for about ten minutes, when he went into the kitchen and asked where his dirty dishes went to. I told him they were in the dishwasher. He then opened the dishwasher, retrieved his plate, knife, and fork, washed them by hand, dried them, and put them away! It was all I could do to keep from laughing!
I was about to blow it! If he had seen me laughing he would have had a tantrum I think! I guesss I could have made something up.
Just reinforces to me how crazy he really is!!
It's a time like this I kinda feel sorry for him just a little.
AND ha,ha, skank has the crazy H, not the real one!
MJ
MJ, That is just crazy. And it definitely goes against my motto - NEVER hand wash anything that can go in the dishwasher!
Maybe that is some strange part of the MLC control issue.
I have seen my H do similarly strange things that have made me roll my eyes, want to laugh, etc., but I can't really think of anything right off the top of my head.
Are you back at work today?
MJ, That is hilarious!! MLCers really do have the most crazy way of "KEEPING" and SHOWING "control". He is so OUT of control that the only thing he can control is his dish, knife, and fork. Your'e right...these are the moments, I too, feel so sad for my husband's state of mind. It feels like an illness to me, know what I mean? Hope you are having a good day.
Orchid ~
I really didn't know how much of a mental illness it really was.
Also when he treats me so cold, I think any person in their right mind wouldn't be treating someone they loved so horribly.
It just reinforces the fact that it's MLC to me.
MJ
Journaling...
I received a copy of H response from attorney in the mail today. He filed in late December, I responded in early January. It has been eight months. My attorney also attached a note that he filed the response with the court. She said what he filed was something against court procedure and it will be interesting to see what they do with it.
Oh brother... The craziness goes on.
He continues to be very cold hearted.
He is refusing to pay spousal support( we have been married twelve years) because he feels I had plenty of time to further my education to make a better living. He estimated my income, and it was higher than I actually make. He makes about four times more than I do. I in fact, had to take a cut in pay when we relocated for his job. A job I heard about and thought he should apply.
He is refusing to pay my attorney fees, because he stated we could have worked this out by going to marriage counseling. That I refused. We did go once, but that's all. And it was only to make him look good, like he tried. I have proof he was already with skank when we went.
Whenever I wanted to talk about the R, he would walk out the door. he was the one who didn't want to try.
He did say I can keep my dogs. They were something I had asked for in my response. He was so cold, and still is, that I thought he would claim them to be mean.
He is being a real jerk!
This was not like him at all.
He came home right after work today. He is being nice. He is polite. He asks if he can bring me anything when he is up. It's just so weird!
What a schmoozer!
I never know what mood he is going to be in.
It would be so mean if he was doing this to get a reaction out of me since that letter didn't do it!
I am not going to back down!
After what he has put me through no way!
All I have to do is put that picture in my head of coming face to face with them on the motorcycle that day.
Oh, I could have made some real trouble for him in this town!
And at his work!
I wonder if he's thought of that.
We are still in the same house, so this won't be pretty!
It is getting harder and harder to stand for this marriage.
I will continue along my same path, by putting my TRUST in the LORD. He is in control of this situation, and HE has me in the palm of HIS hands.
The JOY of the LORD is my STRENGTH
MJ
MJ...
It is getting harder and harder to stand for this marriage.
I woke up with this same thought...
Then tried to feel any guilt about it and none would come...
Mine hasn't spoken a word to me in 12 days...
Don't know why other then maybe to ease his guilt?
Who knows however I realized today as I was getting ready for work - The more I GAL, the more I don't want that one back...
Not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing so I am going to seek Puppy out and see what he has to say
(((Hugs)))
Journaling...
When I got home from work this evening, H was already here.
I left before him this morning, and came home after he did.
Mmmm... I wonder if he even went to work today.
He was on the computer, but greeted me nicely.
I so wanted to ask him why,why,why?
Why and where did you go? (sigh).
I am so emotionally tired from all of this...
MJ
(((((Hugs))))) to you MJ....
just wanted to let you have people who care for you.
Hey MJ -
So sorry! You sound so discouraged. These MLCers just DON'T act like the people we knew.
Do something fun this weekend. Take care of you!
(((hugs)))
Faith, Orchid, Serenity...
Thanks for all the (((HUGS))
It feels so good to come here and be comforted by you girls who know what I'm going through.
I have decided to sit down and respond to each one of his allegations. Then I will turn it in to my attorney.
I also want her to be aware that he is a writer and a schmoozer. He has been in the public eye for a long time, and most everyone in this town knows who he is. What he does takes a lot of schmoozing and over the years, he became very good at it. I'd love to tell you what he does, but I'm afraid it would give me away if he ever found out about this site.
He is not working today, and he left early on the Harley.
I watched him walk out wearing the shirt, jeans, and probably the underwear that I bought him. Probably the skank called and said "Come hither big boy!" I don't really know, just speculating.
He sat out in the dark in the backyard for a while last night.
Any other time I would have joined him. I thought maybe he was waiting for me to join him, but I didn't. The way things have been going around here lately, I might have walked out there and he would be texting or talking to skank.
Mmmm.... Maybe he was looking for the mothership!
I can only imagine.
I'm going to meet with my fav christian friend today, and go to my schools football game tonight.
As for the rest of the weekend, I don't know.
H has turned so ugly lately. I wonder what he will be pulling out of his bag of tricks next.
The JOY of the LORD is my STRENGTH
MJ
Journaling...
So H comes home after being out on the Harley all day. He changed his clothes and was back out the door within five minutes. While walking past me heading for the door, he said " Off and running!" To which I said " Uh huh!" in a sarcastic tone.
He is like a teenager now!
I immediately started thinking he never used to take me anywhere on a friday night. I would want to go out and do something and he would be too tired.
So he's off and running to be with the skank.
I wanted so bad to say " Aren't you getting tired running all over town with a skank?" I came really close.
So... I'm left standing in the kitchen while he goes off to spend his time and money with a skank on a friday night.
This is so hard. This hurts so much.
I keep asking myself what in the world I ever did to deserve this in my life.
MJ
You did NOT do anthing to "deserve" this type of behavior, MJ.
This is NOT you, its....him. It's HIS issue. It's just that you are married to him and he CAN take his immaturity/MLC out on you.
I go thru this question and answer myself...everyday....every single damnn day! But, all we can do is learn from this...for example, we can be more independent and explore other interests in life, instead of the the interest of "marriage" or "husband" or "being a good wife". But that is you ADAPTING to what life throws at you....its not anything you "DESERVE". Its hard. I feel your pain, MJ...
The thing that I can find fault in...is not catching my marriage as it was starting to fail initially (the first red flag that you can think of now, sitting and pondering and examining your life) .....I let our communication drop down to zero. In retrospect that was the death of us. But, I am a human, I make mistakes....
You are an amazing woman and your husband is right now, in the slumps, with a ton of other MLCers!
Keep faith, my friend, that God is trying to help us better ourselves and our lives in some way. Have a wonderful weekend. Try to find some small joy in your day. I enjoyed playing around with my plants today...even with seeing my home clean and organized. Lots of good vibes are being sent your way!
Hi mlj
I feel your pain mlj, I really do.
BUT a few little suggestions.
I know that you must grieve and vent but I think that you have gone back to where your eyes are on your H too much. The reality is what it is. However. REALITY IS NOT FINALITY. Try taking your gaze off H. The road you are travelling is not easy but YOU can make it easier on yourself. Do not sit and watch his movements as if you were watching an episode of a bad soap opera.Do not note what he is wearing or what time he goes out. Do not stand in the kitchen or stand watching him in the backyard. You leave him at home. You be the one "Off and running" sometimes. It WILL give you back power. I think that we give them a lot of power by noting their moves. Let us not do it any longer.
Yes, you must grieve. Yes, you are human and will feel pain. But IMHO you will feel a lot better if you step back a little. I know that you are GALing but I would say that you should start leaving him at home or just not being there when he comes in. This is for your PMA! If you are out before he leaves, you can't note what he is wearing or what time he leaves. If you leave him at home it is another chance for him to see you stepping out dressed up and looking like the bomb.
Just a few suggestions and not a 2x4. Leave H and OP in the capable hands of Jesus and take care of you.
Orchid ~
Thanks for your comforting words (again), and your good vibes. They are very much appreciated believe me.
I am so disappointed in myself for losing my focus.
I believe when I got that awful projection letter is when I started turning my eyes back on H and the circumstance. Then if that wasn't enough, he contacted my attorney with his response after many months. It was two big blows real close to one another. I was getting mentally exhausted.
I need to remember that H is not himself right now. He is in MLC and his every action has shown that.
Will he even remember in the future he was acting like this.
I'm back!
I have reset my focus and I am looking up.
Mj
mlj
Do not worry.
I loose my focus all the time.
All we can do is refocus and never give up.
Kara ~
Thank you for chiming in and reminding me that my focus needed to be readjusted. Since getting that eight page projection letter from my H, and then him contacting my attorney with his response letter after all these months I started looking again at the circumstance.
I loved your REALITY IS NOT FINALITY
My eyes are focused up once again.
I must not forget who is holding me with HIS right hand.
I spent some time today reading through your situation.
You sound so positive. How are things going for you now?
MJ
Hiya mlj
I know it is hard to keep focused. Sometimes you start the day focused and wham! You eyes are back on to the drama. But keep them on the prize!
How are things going for me? Some small positives but we never seem to get a consistent moving upwards. It is always fits and starts. We both have very busy schedules and sometimes we just seem to be passing each other in the hallway. BUT, he did buy me some small gifts of late and gifs are his LL. AND, when I detach i.e no e-mailing when we are on business trips, no texting, he does seem to COME TOWARDS me. Because deep in the recesses of his brain he may wonder if I am checking out. He is also just generally nicer like offering to run some of my errands and other little things which I never asked him to do. Lately, he is at home earlier and more often. So, there are some small positive signs. I am looking for consistent actions on both our parts. I also still have some growing to do in terms of some personal challenges I have always had in our R. How would I be different in our new R? How would I be better at areas which he had valid concerns about? The evolution is slow but you gotta run the race well and with endurance right?
As for being positive, I do fall into slumps sometimes but thankfully they never last too long. I can get very Woe is Me and Its My Pity Party and I'll Cry if I Want To. Focusing on what H is doing can drive me into a slump depending on how he is acting. So the answer is simple. Don't focus. So simple and so true. Generally I try to just work on myself and becoming the confident, compassionate, loving kind of woman I want to be. And if H loses out, well, his loss.I know that I am the real prize, not the booby prize. I can't do him , I can only do me. (No puns intended there!!:).
Looking foward to my vacation which is in a couple of weeks, so that is also keeping me postive!
Sorry for the long update but you did ask!!!
MJ -
How are you doing today? I know how hard it is to keep that focus where it needs to be (having a hard time with this myself this week) and you did have two big things thrown at you in a short period of time - the letter and the communication with the lawyer.
I hope you are able to enjoy today and do something fun!
Faith ~
I'm feeling stronger today.
I had a few distractions, but my focus is on HIM once again.
I am working on praising GOD for what HE is doing now that I can not see. I know he has awesome plans for me and I need to trust HIM. I need to remember to live by FAITH and not by sight.
I went to church this morning and got excited again. I sang real loud and prayed real hard.
H left when I was getting ready for church, and he was still not home when I got back. My friend thinks my "light" has been shining too bright for him. So he keeps running because it's blinding him. That's alright. I'll continue to dodge his fiery darts and respond back in love with the strength of GOD.
MJ
Journaling...
So I'm sitting here in the livingroom on the sofa typing away on my laptop. H strolls on through in his underwear to get a drink in the kitchen. I glance up just a little, and he's lookng over at me. Then he asks me if my computer is working alright.
Is he DBing me?
Is he trying to get a reaction out of me?
It must not be that uncomfortable living with me as stated in that horrible projection letter.
MJ
MJ....
he has it so good, living with you, that his MLC ridden mind is just not able to grasp this concept.
It is funny that he walks around in front of you in his underwear....u'd think he would make it a point NOT to do that.
But, like you said its hard to grasp the MLCer's thought process....
you sound good!! I'm continuously amazed by how much you go thru and endure and battle.
Hey Orchid ~
I wouldn't be able to endure what I'm going through without the STRENGTH and LOVE GOD has given me. HE gets all the GLORY. GOD is so awesome. HE picks me right back up whenever I've fallen. I am leaning into HIM right now more than I ever have before. HE has got me and you in the palm of HIS hand. HIS word is no evil formed against me will prosper.
SO I will stay strong and BELIEVE in HIS word.
AND try my best to be patient with HIS timing.
Today when I came home from work, H was already home.
Mmmm... Interesting.
He was sitting in the livingroom watching TV with just a pair of gym shorts on. No shirt or shoes. I noticed he had done several chores around the house, and there were several beer bottles in the trash can. As I may have mentioned before, he's not much of a drinker.
Also, when he placed a new garbage bag in the kitchen garbage can he scared me half to death. He shook the heck out of that plastic bag so hard even the dogs went running for cover.
I continued to be bubbly and friendly from the time I walked into the house until he trudged off to bed.
Oh, the life of an MLCer.
AND the beat goes on and on and on and on.....
MJ
It is just so funny that your H is just so uncomfortable living at home so he says - as he walks around in his underwear, makes rootbeer floats, does chores, hangs out in just his gym shorts, etc.
There is just no figuring it out.
You sound like you are doing pretty well.
God's timing - sometimes a hard thing to wait on. But I guess that is all part of the journey!
Journaling...
I SNEEZED AND H SAID "GOD BLESS YOU!"
Ever since H has been going through MLC, he stopped saying it whenever I sneezed. (to me anyway).
I made it a mini goal of mine for H to start saying it again.
So last night I was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was within earshot in the den. I sneezed and guess what! I couldn't believe it! YEA! Of course I gave him a grateful thank you. Some of you wouldn't think this was any big deal, but it meant a lot to me.
I don't know what it was, but being around H was making me uncomfortable last night. He was sitting in the livingroom with me eating dinner and watching TV. It almost felt like he wanted to talk about something. Since I've had two big blows the last couple weeks, I wasn't up to hearing anything else right now. If it might have been positive, then that's the chance I was going to have to take. So I freshened up, and went out for a while. It did serve two purposes however. Getting a life, and getting away from H.
When I came home, the lights were left on for me.
He was in bed.
MJ
That's great MJ! You are a woman that only a fool would leave!
Journaling...
I know it would probably be impossible to go dark living in the same house, but I think I'm going to try going dim.
I don't know what else to do. I need to detach from this craziness.
I left the light on for H when I went to bed last night. I woke up about 1:30 during the night, and noticed the light was still on, and he was not home. After deciding to turn it off, I did a quick check of his bathroom. His toothbrush wasn't in the holder. Evidently he wasn't planning on coming home when he left for work yesterday morning. I tried to rationalize it by thinking maybe he went to a seminar for work out of town.
Not to be. He was already home when I got home today.
I've gone crazy trying to analyze it.
I even broke down at work today.
If it weren't for the STRENGTH GOD has given me, I think I would have had a meltdown a long time ago.
MJ
Journaling, some more...
I got to thinking...
Could H be trying to tear me down.
To see if he can make me so upset, that I say something to him that I really don't want to say. In that way he can feel justified for his actions. I have been giving him my unconditional love, and trying to treat him in the way GOD would want me to.
As I am writing this, his cell phone is ringing.
It must be skank. I feel so violated. He is home,with his wife, and she is calling him.
I wonder if H has realized that the worse he gets, the more I'm going to want from this D he wants so badly.
Just like Ivana Trump says, "Don't get mad get even!"
MJ
* Correction *
Ivan Trump says " Don't get mad get everything!"
MJ,
Who really knows what he is doing/thinking/not thinking, etc. You are just going to go crazy analyzing and trying to figure out. Detach, detach, detach!! Try to be out when you think he might be home. Try to think about something positive when you start thinking about where he was, who is calling, etc. Do what you need to do to take care of you.
I know the detaching is easier said than done and it takes time, but it is the only way to stay sane.
Journaling...
I found a business card on the desk in the den this morning...
Psychic Reader ~ Spiritual Advisor
OMG... After the shock wore off, I couldn't stop laughing!
Weird. He never use to believe in this sort of thing!
I've turned to GOD
He's turned to a Spiritual Advisor
I know I'm better off!
MJ
I think these MLCers are trying to find answers/whatever anywhere they can (besides from within themselves).
And trying to do whatever they can to feel better. I know you mentioned that your H who has never been much of a drinker seems to be drinker more. Guess what? I have noticed that here, too. I am seeing my H trying to self medicate in some strange little ways. And it obviously isn't working.
Hope your weekend was decent!
Hey MJ,
I'm sorry you've had a rough few days....I have been struggling myself and just haven't been on the website. I hope it has gotten better. I would agree with trustingfaith, "who knows what the MLCer is thinking/doing..."
I think his own desperation is obvious as he is now turned to a psychic! My!!! When does the madness end???
To me, there is no "answer", you just need to make a decision either to work at your life and trudge thru the difficult moments or quit and delude yourself into believing it will eventually get better. The problem is with them and unfortunately we also get dragged into this abyss with them....But, sounds like you are managing well. And I think it would be very difficulty to go dark living in the same house. I'm finding it difficult to go dark and I'm 10 states apart from him...But, haven't contacted in a week now. I taking this month off from exH....hoping I make it.
What happened over the weekend? I hope you are in good spirits!
A psychic huh? I think a magic 8 ball would be cheaper and have at least as much insight.
Hang in there sweetie. My H live at home 15 months post bomb. It's tough.
HUGS
mlj,
I wanted to comment on what you posted on trustingfaith's thread.
Last night for example, H was on his computer, with the TV on, in the den. All of a sudden he turned them off, and came to sit with me in the livingroom. I was so afraid he wanted to talk about R, or spew something , that I got up and got ready for bed. I felt bad that I left him sitting out there alone, but then I thought about the nightmare he's put me through. Maybe he had something nice to say, maybe he didn't want to say anything at all, but I wasn't taking any chances.
How do you keep from feeling uncomfortable around H?
How do you avoid R talk if he starts to bring it up?
First off, if you can take your focus off "what he has put you through" and think about and have compassion for what he's going through, it helps. If you're angry find a way to deal with it and get it out.
That you left when he came to sit with you, IMO that was a cheap and punishing shot. i know you were scared and I'm not beating you up. I want you to look at what you did and why. What was the pay off? Did it help you at all? Even if you had just sat there with him, that would speak volumes.
I don't think you do keep from "feeling uncomfotable" at first. You just "act" as if you are. If he brings up R talk, just listen. Reflect back what he's said and if you need time to think on it, say so. It's ok and in alot of cases wise to say I'll need to think about this and get back to you.
Having them at home is very hard. I know. You can do this though.
HUGS
Hey Grace ~
Thanks for replying with your advice on my thread.
I know I'll just have to gather my courage and stick around whenever H is around me. I've had two big blows within the last month, and I just wasn't up to hearing something else from him. If I had stayed, I may have said something I didn't want to. Then I would have been mad at myself as well as being hurt again.
I was trying to look through your posts, but there are over 300 of them!
What do you think made your situation turn around?
Was D ever filed?
Did you read some of my thread?
If so, what advice would you offer me at this stage of the game?
Thanks for any more advice you can give me.
I will be looking forward to hearing from you!
MJ
mlj
If I had stayed, I may have said something I didn't want to.
Then your choice was a good one for you. Keep your attitude in mind though. Don't be the kicked puppy or the b!tch(regardless of how you feel).
What do you think made your situation turn around?
Was D ever filed?
No, a D has not been filed in my case. That doesn't mean it won't. As far as it turning around, well that's arguable, but what has changed is me and how I respond to things.
I will be able to post more later, but for now, my best advise is to take care of yourself and GAL. What is it you want out of life? Who are you? Are you the woman you always wanted to be? Who is she? What does she look like? How does she act?
Feel free to contact me on the alt (FB).
HUGS
Journaling...
Looks like H decided to go somewhere else after work tonight.
It's really sad because the dogs really love him. Whenever they hear something, they run to the door. "Guys... Dad doesn't love us anymore."
He'd rather be with op. If that is who he's with, I really don't know. I don't want to analyze anymore. It drives me crazy and wastes so much time.
Gosh... I feel so bad for the LBS and their human children. (as opposed to dog children) They are really asking mom or dad where mom or dad is. How do you deal? What do you tell them?
The dogs are company, but not like having real children as company.
I know I'm supposed to be a safe harbor here at home.
BUT
I really don't feel like leaving the light on for him tonight.
How can he continue to do this to someone he once loved up to a year ago. He's turned so cold. He could care less about us here at home.
It's sad. I don't know how I can still love him.
Why do I care?
MJ
Journaling again...
It's 10:00 and H just got home.
He walked in and asked me how my day was.
I said it was wonderful!
I was polite, and I thought I looked cute.
He could have cared less.
He drank a glass of water and went to bed.
He treats me like I'm the one who has another man.
These MLCers have such nerve.
It's so hard when your living in the same house.
Can I hate him just for tonight
I know it's better not to mention ow, and I never have.
BUT
I so would love to ask him when he is going to get tired hanging out with a skank.
MJ
MJ-
How are you today? It is tough living in the same house. You can't help but notice them coming and going and some of the craziness. But we also have an advantage in some ways - they ARE still there.
So are you gonna come join us over in MLC?
Hang in there. Any fun plans this weekend?
Faith ~
I'm just really low lately.
I think because of the D looming.
I don't see much of H anymore even though we are living together.
Today he left early on the Harley and was gone all day. He came home long enough to change his clothes and go back out.
Things must be hot and heavy with the skank again.
What is this hold she has over him.
He's left his wife who he use to love home on a saturday night to be with a skank.
She's taken my seat on the back of our Harley. Grrr...
I didn't deserve this. None of us did.
I never thought this would happen to us.
How are you doing? Are you still seeing baby steps?
I think my rollercoaster has gotten stuck with me hanging upside down!
MJ
Thanks for checking in on me (((hugs)))
Hi mlj
Just checking you out for a second here. I know it sucks that the D is looming. I can only imagine how you feel and what you are going through. I know that you need to process everything you are going through and deal with the pain, anger and disappointment. Are you still making time for you and feeding your needs? Getting a mani/pedi or a massage? Going to the gym? Please make sure that you make some quality time to feed and nourish yourself.
Yes, she's on the back of the Harley but what are you doing for yourself and for fun? Leave them on the Harley for now, sweetie.Road trips don't last forever. Leave them on the roller coaster. Tell yourself that she has nothing that you want at this point in time. She is getting a twisted version of your H. From what you write he is really in no frame of mind to be offering her anything useful or mature, so what the heck is she getting in this deal? A piece of a man who is married and single at the same time? She thinks this is a good prospect right now and possibly for her future? If this is what she wants from life now well I say more power to her. And she has my condolences for not putting a higher value on herself. Maybe you should send her a sympathy card?
The truth is that MLCers are simply in no frame of mind to be a steady person in a relationship whether with their S or OP. They need to do a lot of work but instead distract themselves from the pain and the roller coaster by being constantly on the go and leading a frenzied non stop life. It is band aid to a gaping wound. It is not a sustainable way of life and something will give whether now or in the future. The fantasy life will not translate well into a long term life with the OP because real love includes tackling issues and challenges and all of the fantasy life is based on running away. What will your H do if he and OW start to heva problems? Even if your D does proceed, I can't see your H being truly at peace with himself until he reaches the point where he DOES THE WORK.
I think you should continue showing your H that you are not beaten by this. That you are living and enjoying life as best you can. In an authentic and genuine manner. That he is not leaving you at home on a Saturday night while he is out having fun. On his Harley. With a woman who needs your sympathy. You just have to feel sorry for both of them. Maybe they both need sympathy cards!
(((MJ)))
So sorry you are feeling down. This is all really rough stuff, but I know you can handle it. You have done great so far.
Kara wrote a great post here. Can you think of any ways or things you can do to take your focus on your H and the OW? She truly doesn't have the great guy you married - she has someone else. Try to get your roller coaster budged from leaving you hanging upside down!
Remember Who is in control of all of this!
Where are you mlj? Hope you're doing fine.
Hey Faith & Kara ~ Thanks for checking in on me. (((hugs)))
I haven't been on in a few days because I felt I needed a break. My posts were sounding too down. And that is not how I want to react through this. I want to remain strong, and keep my FAITH and TRUST in the LORD.
Kara ~
Thank you for your wonderful post.
I do need to remember that she does not have my H.
The one I love and married anyway.
And the one who loves and married me.
I will send her a sympathy card when this is over.
I will tell her she didn't really lose anything, because she didn't really have "him" anyway. She had someone who was going through a MLC. Even if he doesn't come out of it, and this D becomes reality, she still doesn't have "HIM".
I will not lose H through D. I will only be losing the MLC H.
What I want is the original version.
For now I am still his wife, I will remain faithful, and hold on to hope that the fog will clear till the very end.
Over the weekend, I got more paperwork together that my attorney needed. I had been putting it off because it seems so final. But I knew that I needed to deal with it. I just made up my mind that I needed to do it for me. For every tear I've shed. I've mentioned before that he is being very cold with the terms. He doesn't want me to have much of anything. We don't have children between us, but we have been married for thirteen years. He made the remark when this all started, that he married me because he felt sorry for me. When were dating, he lived in a run down rental house, had an old car, and kept his food in an ice chest. When we got married he moved in with me in a very nice rental house. Did he ever change the history on that one! In fact, it was me who made it possible for us to buy our home. I had money in the bank. I loved him for who he was, not for what he had. OW loves him ( if she really does ) for what he has and what he can give her. We now have a beautiful home, and he has a very good job. And a very nice Harley that she rides on now. He has cast me aside for a younger model. She is fifteen years younger and has been married three times. It's all so sad.
I also created a Timeline. It starts when I first noticed him acting strangely and doing things differently. I have been wanting to do this for a long time. To actually write it down, instead of keeping it in my head. I will be giving a copy to my attorney. She said she would also like the projection letter he wrote me. I haven't decided if I want to give her a copy yet, or just keep it to myself.
Well, I'm sounding down again.
I need to refocus.
The Joy of the LORD is my STRENGTH.
MJ
mj,
This is the place to vent. You don't need to stay away b/c your down, unless you feel better by doing so.
Personally, I throw a great pity party <wicked grin>.
How does the timeline help you?
HUGS
MJ -
How is it going? So OW has been married three times already? Hmmmm . . . seems like she probably wouldn't be in any relationship for the long haul.
So how long have you noticed the strange behaviors? Are you going to come join us in MLC?
Hope you are doing okay today. Keep strong.
(((MJ)))))
Just wanted to come by and say hi...Not to much going on with my H and I have been off for a few days taking a breather...My little one was diagnosed with the swine flu yesterday so he is keeping my hands full...I am still here if you need anything my friend
Hey Grace, Faith & Serenity
Thanks for stopping by!
Grace ~
The Timeline was just to get it all down in writing, so I wouldn't have to retain it in my head any longer. I can now forget it, and if I need to remember it for any reason I will have it. Does that make sense?
I was starting to feel I was throwing a pity party for myself every day. I need to stop that and start counting my Blessings.
After all, I've been able to live with H in the same house for over a year now under these conditions. I have been Blessed with the STRENGTH to keep pushing through.
Faith ~
The Timeline starts in Nov 07. That is when I first noticed H acting irritable with me consistently. Also that is about the time friends started questioning his behavior. I also found old cell phone statements dating back to then where texting started to her number. I checked it against the number he had the audacity to put in our home phone directory. Her number with her name in the actual phone itself. I took it out once, but he put it back. I never picked up that phone again. That's when I knew he was crazy! Anybody in their right mind, wouldn't have been so callous as to do something like that!
I believe the MLC actually started around the time he got the Harley however. It all went to his head. He felt like a cool dude on that bike. That was about four years ago.
Serenity ~
I just read the latest on your thread...
How are you doing with the latest spew from H?
I love what you texted him. So much so, that I wrote it down. I hope you don't sue me for copyright infrigement
Stay strong girl, We are the better for it.
GOD is GREATER than what we're going through, and HE will see us through!
(((((HUGS)))))
MJ
Journaling.....
I woke up fiesty this morning!
When I awoke, I could hear H snoring away in the other bedroom, and it made me so mad/frustrated! A feeling I really haven't experienced before. I've been standing for our marriage for over a year, and giving him my unconditional love. And all he does is take, take, take, and he gets worse and worse. I make great dinners at home, in which he partakes. And then he probably turns around and takes ow to fancy dinners, while I eat the leftovers.
I got to thinking today about what H use to say when this all started...
"The marriage is over MJ!" When I heard this I didn't know what in the world he was talking about. No one told me the marriage was over. I was so hurt, and so frustrated every time he would say it. I found out later, he was saying it to justify is actions. I found proof that H was up to no good way before he started saying this. He must have thought I was so stupid! I did believe at it first, he was so convincing! Then I wised up.
"Nothings Changed!" He use to say this all the time also. I would always ask him what he meant by that. He could never give me a straight answer. He even said it once in a counseling session. The counselor was even confused. Later when I had an individual session with this same counselor, he brought it to light. His "Nothings Changed!", was a cover-up to his actions. *It meant nothings changed, I still have a girlfriend.
Before I left for work this morning, I could hear him in the shower.
The movie Psycho entered my head!
lol
MJ
If you're still treating him like the king in his castle, why should he change his behavior? Standing for your M is one thing. Standing while he wipes his feet on you is another.
Next time why don't you make dinner for yourself and if he's surprised you didn't make him one, just look surprised and say that there was some instant macaroni in the cupboard if he was hungry.
Or go out with your friends to someplace fancy and treat yourself. He doesn't need to know who you're going out with. You're showing that you're always going to be there no matter what he does. And obviously it's not working.
So what are you going to do differently?
(((mlj)))
Hope you're doing well tonight.
I read what you say about unconditional love. At the end of the day only you can know what services you are comfortable providing for your husband i.e cooking or whatever. I don't know what God has said to your heart about your sitch. You do.
It seems to me that your H goes out and you are the one being left at home much of the time. I could be misreading the sitch because I haven't followed from the start. But I do know that 90% of this battle is mental. And you will feel a lot better mentally if you go out and leave him at home some of the time. What are you doing that is new and fresh? Any new clothes? Haircut? New routine? Be unpredictable. Trust me, even if your H SAYS nothing, he will notice. He can't help but notice. And, more importantly, you will feel a LOT more positive mentally. I cannot stress enough that DBing is a mental battle.
As I said, I haven't been reading from the start, so I am not sure what changes you have been making.
Hear you soon, sweetie.
Hey Stuck and Kara ~
I appreciate the advice you have given me. I am open to anything that may turn alien H back into the authentic one.
Kara ~
You mentioned how they act like they don't notice when they really do....
So... When I was in the grocery store last night, I noticed some beautiful fall flowers that I thought would look gorgeous in the living room. I bought them, put them in a vase of water, and left them on the kitchen counter until I decided just where in the living room I wanted to place them. When I got home from work tonight, there was a note attached to the vase. It read " Nice flowers, Congrats, H.
I believe he thinks someone bought them for me. CRAZY.
I took the note off and placed them on the coffee table.
Should I ask him about the note? What he meant by Congrats? Should I tell him it's not what he thinks?
Any advice?
Thanks,
MJ
MJ -
I wouldn't say anything about the flowers or the note. Definitely don't offer the info that it is not what he thinks. That's just my opinion. After all, he doesn't bother telling you anything, right? Let him wonder . . .
Hey Faith ~
So what do you think... Crazy huh!
Offering me Congrats. For what I wonder.
I hope he doesn't think I have no morals like him.
I'm definitely saving the receipt in case he throws it up to my face. He would really like me to have someone to take some of the guilt off him. That's if he had any.
How are things going with your roommate lately?
MJ
I think it is great that he noticed the flowers and thought about it enough to even write a note. Who really knows what is going through his head. I wouldn't worry too much about him throwing it in your face - and your truth is an innocent one so nothing to worry about. Try not to feel like you need to defend yourself.
My roommate is . . . still an alien. He has done some surprisingly "normal" and "good" things lately but also seems to now be in a truly deep funk and still got lots of crazy in there. I am just trying to let him be, be grateful for the positives but not try to read anything into them, and just concentrate on the kids and me.
It is obvious this is going to be a long journey, but you can't get through it without going through it, if that makes any sense.
Journaling...
"Have a nice day, see ya later."
That was what H said to me right before walking out the door before 10:00 this morning.
He came home from work yesterday in the middle of the night.
I know I shouldn't focus on him, but it's hard when your living in the same house.
He has no morals and is out there having a ball, while I have morals and watch him walk out the door.
She must really be yanking his chain pretty good right now.
I really don't know where he is going, or who he is going to see.
He does it so smoothly, like he's running an errand or something. I know I wouldn't be able to do that to him.
I hope she enjoys his look today...
Hawaiian shirt, shorts, and sandals. In October
Oh where or where has my H gone...
Will the Mothership be replacing the Aliens with the real ones anytime soon.
MJ
Hey MJ--
How has your weekend been going? Have you been able to get out and have fun and do things for YOU?
Hi MLJ
What is new with you this weekend? Did you go out for some clean honest fun and leave him at home for a change? As TF says, did you do anything for YOU?
Hey Faith & Kara
I didn't do anything fun persay, but I did go to church this morning. The church band is really good and they play all the current songs that you hear on the Christian radio stations. They have a big screen that flashes the words to the songs. It is really fun to sing along to them. That would be my fun, doing something for me part!
H was up when I left for church, but wasn't here when I got home. He put the radio on playing my fav Christian station though. Mmmm ... wonder what that was all about.
The Joy of the LORD continues to be my STRENGTH
as it should be for everybody.
Have a great Monday!
(((HUGS)))
MJ
Hey MJ...
Sorry I haven't been around for a bit. Hope your spirits are high today. I liked how the other day you said "I woke up fiesty..." I love those days and have learned to really appreciate those moments when I am all about me!
Just my 2 cents on the "flowers" situation...I think its great that he noticed and actually went out of his way to actually write a note. "Congrats" ?? sigh... I would have done the same thing you did. Save the receipt, don't respond, let him wonder and just go on about your day!
You are doing great!! The OW...sounds...well...can't use the words I'm thinking
heehee!
But, let me just say that things that start out in deceit and lies, don't have a very good chance....Try not to worry....she is not there for the long haul...doesn't even sound like she is the type to want to be there for the long haul.
I find that so many people have no understanding of "for better, for worse....till death do you part" you know what I mean?? It's like when it gets tough, the answer is to "get rid of it". Well, unfortunately, that does not solve the problem and I think its so short sighted....
Anyways, stay strong!! You are a warrior...having to share the same space with this version of H for over a year! Amazing!!
Have a great day!!!
MJ-
How are you doing this week?
Hey Faith ~
I'm doing good, thanks for checking up on me.
I'm also thinking about replying to H projection letter from last month. Just a short note that says...
" I have chosen to conduct myself with dignity and grace like a real lady should in the face of this adversity. If you have perceived it as anything else, my heart goes out to you."
I have been kinda' quiet lately, as there hasn't been much of a change around here. H is still wearing his choke chain, and she is still yanking on it! lol
Something is changing in me though. A "whatever" attitude is setting in. Instead of holding on tight to this rollercoaster, I'm holding my arms up high and screaming "He's crazy, I'm better than this, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!"
On a lighter note...
I'm thinking of becoming a cougar.
There is an attorney that my friend would like me to meet.
The problem is ...........
He's ten years younger than me.
She reminded me about Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher! lol
((((HUGS))))
MJ
You should only become a cougar if you're really done. And if you're really done, IMO you should still give yourself time before you start dating.
Hmmm . . .if I ever were in the position to be dating again I might go for somebody much older, someone well past the age to be likely to have an MLC.
I do NOT want to go through this again!
Hey Grace ~
No, I'm not going anywhere.
Someone has to have morals around here.
The thought of someone holding me in their arms and loving me, is sure sounding good about now though.
I've been going without, while H has been giving it to someone else.
MJ
(((MJ)))
Good to see you back on here...
The thought of someone holding me in their arms and loving me, is sure sounding good about now though.
I've been going without, while H has been giving it to someone else.
Took the words and thoughts right out of my mouth and head.
Serenity ~
Aaah (((hugs)))
After what we have been through, I really believe it will be somebody worth waiting for. Someone who will shake their head in disbelief when they hear how we've been betrayed. AND will love us even more for it. It might even be our spouses who can't believe what they've put us through.
GOD is the one in control remember.
We need to trust in him.
I know, it's hard, but we just need to "be still".
When are you going on your trip?
It will be so good for you!
MJ
Hey Faith ~
Good point!
Never ever will I go through this again!!!
By the Grace of GOD is the only reason we are still here!
He is an awesome GOD!
(((HUGS)))
MJ
Hey MJ...
I pray that it is our spouses (if that is what we really want) regardless of what has been said/done...
I am ready to do the work needed however can't do it alone so I just work on me...
I did try to go on a "friend" date with a guy I knew back in high school (along with some other people) and even though I warned him ahead of time where I stood with hubby and marriage, he had the gall to get mad at me because he wanted more then I was even ready to think about much less give...
Said he has loved me since we were 16...
I was the reason his marriage didn't work out...
I ruined him for other women etc...
Now get this I haven't spoken to him in over 20 years!
All I could think was "Damn he is riding the same crazy-train as my hubby - Just not sure which one is conducting the train"...So that old/new friendship burned out real quick
As for my trip - I had to postpone it for now - I was supposed to leave on Halloween however the timing is just to off and my little one would probably have a coronary if I was out of his sight for more then 10 minutes..
Thank my H for that
He freaks if I leave the house and once I calm him down enough to leave all I hear is are you going to come back? Yes I say - Today he says? It is heartbreaking and I am not selfish enough to take the trip and ruin what little stability he has right now. I did a lot of praying before I came to my decision and this is how I felt when all was said and done.
So I will stick to my walks after he goes to sleep and the little pieces of alone time I can cut out for myself...
His well-being and the well-being of my oldest mean more to me then a few days in Maui.
(((Hugs)))
Journaling...
I think I finally got it!
I realized what it is to really detach.
To detach for real without even trying.
When H came home friday after work, he came in carrying the mail. He ripped open one letter, and I saw him instantly get upset. He was sitting in the den at the desk, and I wondered if it was a letter from the courts telling him that he filed improper paperwork. * He filed a response to my response from nine months ago, and a request for a hearing. He then went to my attorney to give her a copy. ( He doesn't have an attorney) My attorney then called me to let me know what he was up to, and that she didn't know what the courts would do with it.
So, I walked by him to use the shredder, and sure enough that was it. He immediately got on his computer, I guess trying to straighten it out. I tried to make polite conversation, and he wouldn't even acknowledge me.
He then started doing his laundry. While that was going, he packed up some clothes, and his computer, and put them in his suv. Then he came and sat with me in the livingroom and started watching TV. He received several texts, most likely from ow, and proceeded to answer them in front of me. I finally had enough, slammed the lid of my laptop down, and said " If you need to be somewhere, I'll finish your clothes for you!" ( just to get him out of here) he said " I can do my own clothes!" I got up, went into the kitchen, and he was two steps behind me. The texting stopped, and he finished his clothes.
As he was leaving, he walked by me without saying a thing. I called out to him that I would keep him in my prayers. He mumbled something and walked out the door.
When he came in this evening, he went right in his room and closed the door. Probably still working to correct his D paperwork. I asked him if he wanted some dinner, and he said NO! in a sarcastic tone. He came out about an hour later, went in the den, and got on his computer. Still not talking to me.
He has got some nerve being hateful towards me. He acts like I've done all this to him. He can have his D, but I'm not about to make it easy for him. I am in the "you play, you pay" mindframe.
I shut the TV and all the lights off, and left him sitting in the den. I am here in my bedroom with the door closed. Something I don't usually do. I just can't stand the sight of him right now.
I think I hate him right now.
Sorry GOD, I'm just a little fed up tonight.
Focus focus, focus...
MJ
(((MJ)))
I woke up this morning fed up and with hate in my heart
Prayers for both of us.
I guess that makes three of us. Having a hard time myself.
"In your anger, do not sin; do not let the sun go down while you are still angry."
-Ephesians 4:26
"Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret -- it leads only to evil."
-Psalm 37:8
Have strength, Serenity.
"Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret -- it leads only to evil."
-Psalm 37:8
Have strength, Serenity.
Perfect passage for today - Thank you Trent
(((MJ))) (((Faith))) - This is a passage we need to really let sink in when we feel like we do today.
I am feeling waaaaaay less angry this evening - finally worked through it. I hope!
Journaling...
I have been going to my bedroom and closing the door behind me for the last couple of nights.
I am not angry, I just continue to have this fed up feeling about him. A " how can you continue to be with a skank, when you already have someone so much better" feeling. Why does he want hamburger when he has steak at home.
I need to find a happy medium between giving him my unconditional love, and staying away from him because he is frustrating me sooo much.
He is not home again tonight. I just want to knock some sense into him when he walks in the door. When he walks in the door, he usually asks "How are you?" I just want to say " How do you think I am, you've just been with ow." He walks in like he has not been doing anything wrong.
Did I say I was fed up?
MJ
(((MJ)))
Just stopping by to check on you and make sure you are ok...You are in my thoughts and prayers
MJ -
Just checking in on you! Hope you are doing okay.
Serenity & Faith ~
(((HUGS))) Thanks for checking in on me.
I haven't been posting much lately, but I have been doing a lot of reading.
Sometimes I feel I get to whining too much, and just have to step away for awhile.
H and I had dinner and watched a movie together here at home on friday night. Then BAM! While I was in the shower saturday morning, he packed a bag and left here on the Harley. I haven't seen him since.
It's just like they say, when they come close, brace yourself for the distancing. " Uh Oh, I was looking normal, I'm out of here!" * He might be in jeopardy of getting suspended for straying from the script! Oh man! What would the others think!
If you get some time, read the posts from rollercoasterrider. She has amazing insight and advice. She also has her own website now.
MJ
I am like you - I tend to not post as much when I am trying to pull myself up.
That close-distancing thing is crazy, isn't it?!!
Hope you are doing fun things for you to keep your mind off your H this weekend! Do something special for YOU!
Journaling...
I received a letter from my attorney in the mail today.
It was informing me that a pretrial hearing date has been set for Dec 11. Also requesting an appt to meet with me before then to make sure everything is in order.
It doesn't look like H will be out of the fog by then. The skank must be happy with it being right before Christmas too.
I have been trying to keep a smile on my face tonight, and trying not to let my sadness show.
He has been spending time with me tonight in the livingroom watching TV and being talkative. He even got on the floor and played with the dog. Hugging him etc. All the while his cell has been ringing. Has to be her sending him texts. And he answers them back. I don't say anything, because I'm not 100% sure who it is. At this point I'm just assuming. I made some cookies yesterday, and he keeps telling me how good they are.
If he is being nice to me so I'll go easy on him with D, he might as well give it up. If we go through with the D, I'm going to make sure I get all that I'm entitled to and more. I will not be nice after all I've had to go through. But, I will do it with dignity and grace.
I still can't believe this is really happening. We had a good marriage, and had lots of fun times before MLC entered in.
The JOY of the LORD will continue to be my STRENGTH.
HE is with me, and I will remember that.
I am praying first for H that GOD can touch him and turn his life around. And then for our M to be renewed on GODS solid foundation. Then I am praying for someone to come into ow life that would be right for her. I admit, that one is hard.
MJ
((((MJ))))
I know it must be hard. I know it must seem hopeless with D stuff moving along. None of this is easy and not what you would have chosen. You believe God is in control and He has your best at heart. That may be with your H or maybe not. Who knows. But you have to believe that. And remember, a D doesn't necessarily mean it is over. I have heard enough stories of restored marriages after a D.
And I definitely think you should go after all you are entitled to!
Just checking in again MJ to make sure you are hanging in there.
((((hugs))))
Hi Faith ~
I'm doing good.
I'm also trying really hard to detach from him and the way he's chosen to live his life.
STOP the rollercoaster, I'm getting off.
I received a statement from my attorney the other day. I was charged $175.00 for him stopping by her office. He had given her a copy of the hearing request he filed with the courts, and he talked with her for a short time. I keep from calling her with questions because it costs me everytime I do. In the meantime he stops by, and I get charged for what he did.
Grrr... I was so mad! He still doesn't have an attorney. He'll just use mine, and I'll get charged! He's figured it all out!
At this rate I will not have any money left from my retainer to bring this to court.
I am detaching! I no longer will be buying him his goodies when I go to the store. With the kindness I've shown him through this, he's just gotten worse. I will not be mean, I will not be cold. He came home late the other night, and I decided to turn all the lights off before I went to bed.
He doesn't deserve it.
I look at him differently now. He has ruined my love for him. I can't take anymore of his cold cold heart.
Sorry for the long rant. It felt good though!
(((hugs)))
MJ
(((MJ)))
Sometimes you have to rant. :)Better here than at him!
Definitely keep detaching. Don't do him any special favors. Their bad behavior does make it easier to detach I think - these is not the Hs we know and love.
Do you think skank is pushing for the D now? I don't know anything about D laws and I know they vary from place to place, but can't you have him pay at least some of the court costs in the settlement? I have no idea.
You sound like you are doing pretty good!
Faith ~
I am requesting that he pay for all my attorney fees. After all, this is "his" D.
He fired back in his paperwork that he wasn't going to. The excuse that he gave was that he wanted to go to MC and I wasn't willing. He went to MC on his own as part of his plan to deceive me. He had already been with ow for several months. When he told me he had an appt with family C I thought it was for him and his son who didn't have much contact with each other. That's how taken aback I was. He even let it slip once that he told C on that visit that he wanted D. He said C asked him why he was there then. It was all part of his plan to make him look good. Probably with help from ow, as she has been M and D three times.
MJ
Faith ~
I am requesting that he pay for all my attorney fees. After all, this is "his" D.
He fired back in his paperwork that he wasn't going to. The excuse that he gave was that he wanted to go to MC and I wasn't willing. He went to MC on his own as part of his plan to deceive me. He had already been with ow for several months. When he told me he had an appt with family C I thought it was for him and his son who didn't have much contact with each other. That's how taken aback I was. He even let it slip once that he told C on that visit that he wanted D. He said C asked him why he was there then. It was all part of his plan to make him look good. Probably with help from ow, as she has been M and D three times.
MJ
Tell your attorney this, they can subpoena the C's notes and have them be a witness if they think it has merit.
It was all part of his plan to make him look good. MJ
Sorry but how do you know that?
Greek
It was all part of his plan to make him look good. Probably with help from ow, as she has been M and D three times.
The OW has been married
three times already?
Well, that bodes well for the future of
that relationship. (Odds are, the D's were all her ex-husbands' fault, too...)
Greek ~
He let it slip to a mutual friend.
He was bragging about how clever he was.
The mutual friend felt bad that he would do this, and thought I should know.
MJ
Hi Faith ~
The last couple of days have been interesting to say the least.
I feel like I'm the lead actress in a made for TV movie.
It is possible a keylogger has been installed on this computer. It came up when I was scanning. I asked the tech guy at my work about it, and I'm going to bring it in next week.
So mostly I have been doing alot of reading, and not much posting.
Also, I had a flat the other night on the way to a friends house. Her H took off the flat, and had to take it to air it up, because the "donut" was flat also. The next day I took my car to get it serviced at the place I've been taking it for years. They know me personally there. When I went back to pick up my car, they told me all my tires were dangerously low. They wanted to know if I knew anyone that would want to let the air out of my tires, because they couldn't find a leak anywhere. Mmmm.... Could it be? Then I told them H and I were still living in the same house. These tires are only a year old. The owner wants me to stop by once a week to check them. He also told me if I ever need to talk, that he has big ears and a small mouth. lol
So there's a little update for you.
Thanks for wondering about me.
MJ
Hello MLJ,
I had a flat tire yesterday - but all of your tires dangerously low? This does not sound good, not at all. Who do you suspect would do such a thing?
Please be careful and post when you can. Buy a new laptop and keep it away from your H.
MJ -
Wow - that is crazy about your tires and your computer. I agree with SF about getting a new laptop and not letting your H know you have it. Do you think your H would let the air out of your tires??
(((MJ)))
Just popping in to check on you and see how your weekend is?
Hope your tires are good as well as your computer.
Be safe
MLJ,
Ditto. Be careful. Check that car everytime you get in. Consider having one oof those alarms installed that go off whenever car is jostled or even touched!
MJ,
Haven't heard from you in a few days. Hope everything is okay!
(((MJ)))
Don't make us send out a search party - You ok?
Hi Faith, Serenity, and all my other friends here...
I am Okay, I am just being STILL for a little while.
With the upcoming D hearing on Dec 11th, I have been spending more time praying than reading lately.
My MLC H and I continue to live in the same house as the D proceeding quickly approaches. He also continues to keep a cool distance from me as if I was the one who had om, instead of the other way around. He avoids me, and he was the one who cheated on me. I don't think it's guilt, as I still don't believe he thinks he has done anything wrong.
I feel like the sand in the hour glass has almost all sifted to the bottom. That the time is almost run out. I would like nothing more than to have this turn around before it does.
I know it's all in GODS timing, and he is in complete control.
If anyone has any advice for me while there are still some grains of sand left, I would be grateful to hear it.
As for now, I continue to take one day full of prayer at a time.
MJ
(((MJ)))
Thanks for checking in. Glad you are doing okay. Did you ever find out anything more about your tires or computer?
Wish I had some advice, but I guess just keeping doing what you are doing and praying and remembering who is in control.
We are all here for you!
Glad to hear you are okay,mlj.
Stay strong. Keep praying.Enjoy your life as best you can. Remember that God has a bigger dream for us than we have for ourselves.
We are praying with you...
((((MJ))))
Good to see you are ok...You are in my thoughts & prayers my friend.
Isaiah 40:31
"but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
Journaling/Venting
It continues to be so hard living together with the D in process. My emotions continuously go from sad to mad. Sad for the loving M we had before H had MLC. Sad when I get to thinking of all the awesome memories we shared together. Sad that it is about to come to an end. Sad H is throwing us away for ow.
I fell in love with him when he had nothing. He lived in an old rental house, had an old car and truck that hardly ran, and didn't have much money. I loved him for who he was.
We now have a beautiful home, several vehicles including an awesome Harley, and making good money. She wants him for what he has, and what he can give her. She has been M and D three times, is fifteen years younger than him, and he is her old boss. She is desparate, and he doesn't see it. All he can see, is this much younger woman falling all over him. She will do and tell him anything to hold on to him. He is so blind. I have never told H this, as they say you should never bring up ow. Will there ever be a time to tell him how I feel. Shouldn't that be before the D.
I get so mad when I think of how he has treated me and our M with such disrespect. He has treated me so cold and mean, as if I was the one who did this to him.
He came home from work late tonight looking frumpy with his dress shirt hanging out of his pants. He drank a tall glass of water, and went straight to bed. He is now snoring away. I try to have positive thoughts whenever he is out late. Like maybe he is telling her that he has made a big mistake and is going home to see if his W would take him back. But, when he comes home looking like he did tonight, I can pretty well guess what he has been up to.
It all still feels sureal. Like I'm going to wake up and find that this has just been a very bad dream.
MJ
Happy Thanksgiving everyone !
I am so grateful for all of my friends that I have made here. I want to thank all of you for the wonderful support you have given me.
I also give thanks to GOD for all the STRENGTH he has given me to endure this storm that I'm going through.
(((((((HUGS)))))))
MJ
((((HUGS)))) MJ
I just wanted to wish you a very Happy Thanksgiving. I feel very thankful to have met you on this forum and for all the support you have given me.
I know I have not been very active these past few months...I think a bit of depression is settling in for me as I start the process of accepting my reality...I was reading your thoughts these last few weeks and.... I cannot imagine how difficult it must be watching things unfold in front of you. You have a powerful source of strength in God.
Anyways,
for today....I am very grateful...and I just wanted to let you know. I hope you are having a wonderful day and doing well.
Orchid
(((MJ)))
Hope you had a good Thanksgiving. I'm sure you just want to smack your H for not be able to see the OW for who she is. It is truly amazing how they can sink their hooks in.
You sound like you are doing okay and handling it okay. I know what you mean about wanting to wake up and find out it was all a bad dream.
Keep holding on to your faith and remember God is in control.
MJ-
Hey, friend, just checking in on you. Haven't heard from you in awhile though I do understand. If you feel like it, let us know how you are doing. Hope you are okay!
((((hugs))))
Hey Faith ~
Seems like I haven't been on in forever.....
I have been trying to "Be Still" and listening for HIS voice to tell me HE is with me and to keep my eyes on HIM.
I spent three hours ( one in the morning and two in the afternoon ) in my attorneys office last friday. There is a pre conference hearing this friday, and we were wrapping up my paperwork, and getting all my ducks in a row. I'm sticking by my original terms and going for all I'm entitled to. H is absolutely going to be PO'd! Remember, H didn't want me to have much of anything. ( H cheats on me, and then wants to be selfish ) AND still living under the same roof, it's not going to be a pretty picture around here. In fact while I'm writing this, H took his briefcase ( where I'm sure all his D paperwork is stored ) into the office and is on the computer printing out papers. As far as I know, H is still representing himself. My attorney is amused as to where he is coming up with his forms. They look really strange to her. Unfamiliar as to the proper forms you should be using.
WHATEVER.....
I've surrendered all.
On a lighter note.....
My friend told me there is a man at church that is interested in me. She was supposed to introduce me to him yesterday after church, but right after the sermon, I got nervous and booked it to my car. On the way home, I got to thinking I wished I wouldn't have done that. So then, he called me. I wasn't familiar with the number, so I didn't answer it. He left a nice message, and would like me to return his call whenever I would like. He even said "GOD BLESS" before he hung up. I was told he is a very nice and handsome man.
SO.....
Should I call him back?
Could this mess up the D proceedings?
If my H found out about it would he call me on it?
On the other hand.....
I could really use a soft place to land right about now.
Please give me your thoughts.....
How should I go about this?
((((hugs))))
MJ
(((MJ))),
Hmmmm . . . not sure what to advise regarding the man who is interested. I know what you mean about needing a soft place to land. How long does it take for divorce to be final where you live?
I just know from your posts what your convictions are and that you have been standing for your marriage. It ain't over til it's over and if you are worried at all about having another relationship during the divorce proceedings maybe you can explain to the guy you need to wait. If he is truly interested he would still be there later (or someone else!). I don't know, just my thoughts.
How do you feel about it?
Hi Faith ~
I really appreciate your advice. (((hugs)))
My friend from church also teaches at the same school I am at.
So...
This morning my classroom door opens,and my friend is there asking me if I can step out of the room for just a minute. I motion to my assistant that I will be right back, and I head with my friend towards the teachers lounge. There in the lounge, was her H (who also works at our school) and the man who wants to meet me. He had come by the school on other business to talk to her H. We were introduced, said a few words, and then I excused myself and went back to class. The situation caught me off guard, so I felt somewhat uncomfortable. It all happened so fast, that I can't even remember what he really looks like. He must have been average, because if he was really a hunk, I think I would have remembered. lol He seemed nice, and told me he'd like to see me sometime. I YI YI!
Last night H was on the computer until after midnight. I happened to wake up and saw that he was still in the office. He had been typing and I could hear the printer on quite a bit. Also there was a lot of shredding going on. He must have been filling out more online forms pertaining to the D. He had brought his briefcase ( where I believe he is keeping D paperwork ) into the office with him last night, and it is gone now. Maybe he met with my attorney today. Although I think she would have told me. Maybe he is filing more paperwork with the courts. I asked him several times if I could get him something to eat, and he hardly looked at me. The time he did look up at me, it was that deer in the headlights look, and he had a nervous personna about him.
I will continue to keep a smile on my face and gather my STRENGTH from the LORD.
MJ
How did your meeting go? That was today, right?
((((MJ))))
How are you holding up?
Faith & Serenity ~
Thanks girls for checking on me ((((HUGS))))
I am so disappointed in the court system.
H was able to stand and approach the judge because he was representing himself. Also because he was the one who requested the hearing.
When the judge asked if a reconciliation was possible H said "No he tried, and even went to counseling, but I wouldn't participate. So the marriage is broken and there is no chance of reconciliation!" I whispered to my attorney that he wasn't telling the truth and asked if I could say something. She told the judge that I had something to say, but he wouldn't let me. That he didn't want to get into anything at this time. Another date in late January was set, and that was it.
I came straight home, and was surprised to find him here. I thought he would have gone back to work. He came home to change his clothes. I told him that I knew he was low, but to not tell the truth in a court of law was the lowest. His reply was that he didn't lie. Ya, whatever. The truth would have been for him to have said to the judge I committed adultry, and I broke the marriage vows. Ya, I know I'm dreaming.
He walked out of court so smugly. He got to talk but I couldn't. I probably would have said something I would have been sorry for anyway.
Looks like it's going to trial. He still doesn't want me to have much of anything. My dogs, my car, my laptop, a few household items. No alimony. He wants the house.
So, it's the latest thing....
Cheat on your wife, and be selfish to her!
Oh, I musn't forget, Lie in court to save your a*#
MJ
Hi MJ,
LOTS OF HUGS!!
I am so sorry to hear about your day in court. It does seem the same to me...."justice" doesn't seem to get too much time these days. I am glad you have a lawyer. I think you handled the day very well. Hang in there!
I just wanted to say hi and to say I was thinking about you. You are in my prayers.
Hey Orchid ~
Thanks for checking on me. (((((hugs)))))
Yesterday was tough. I could think of many other places where I wanted to be instead.
H finally came home this evening after being gone since noon yesterday. The only thing he had with him was his laptop. I had plans for the evening, so I got dressed up and went out soon after. When I left, he was sitting on the sofa in the livingroom watching TV. He doesn't hardly do that anymore. He was very quiet, almost like something was weighing on his mind. I went to church and did some Christmas shopping afterward. I was gone for about three hours. When I got back, he was gone. Oh well. It doesn't hurt anymore like it used to. It's now just a numb feeling.
Tomorrow I go to church where there is a very nice man who wants to get to know me. He called me on my way home from the hearing yesterday, but I didn't pick up. I will know when the time is right.
MJ
Yeah....I know how that can be...the numb feeling. I think I half walk around all day with it. Its partly why I really love my long hours at work. I'm too busy to notice the "numb".
Anyways, I think it was a good decision on your part when you didn't answer the phone...I think you will know when you really ready and why stain something with the remnants of something else. I hope church was good and you found your support.
Take slow steps in the new things you do....emotions are running high...and most importantly do things for YOURSELF. Be good to yourself. Happy Christmas shopping...I still have to get started....:) Have a wonderful week.
Orchid
(((MJ)))
So sorry you are going through all of this and that you didn't get to say what you wanted to the judge in response to your H's lies. My guess that the driving force behind your H not wanting you to get much is skank. I'm sure she wants it all. Eventually he will see her for what she is.
Just keep strong in your faith that things will work out for your best. It is awesome that you have a guy interested in you and like others said, you will know when the time is right and you are ready for that. I'm sure having that interest is a good ego boost!
No matter what happens through all of this, I know your future will be great. You have been faithful and you have done your best and done what was right. I know for me through all of this yuck I have found that the times I have relied heavily on God and been faithful to Him, I have been blessed abundantly. I don't know how things will turn out for me regarding my M, but I do know that I have gained so much good (in myself, my relationships with others especially my kids, my faith, etc.) that I can't complain about that!
Keep posting so we can keep up. Do you have any plans for Christmas? Treat yourself!
((((hugs))))
Hey Faith ~
It's always good to hear from you. (((((HUGS)))))
I agree, the driving force most definately has to be the skank. I've never known him to be so selfish, heartless, and untruthful. I know an MLCer has a tendancy to be this way, but he is really awful. She keeps him going with "baby, baby, baby, baby do this, baby do that, ah baby pleeez". I keep thinking one of these days somethings gonna happen to make him realize and see her for what she really is.Right now though she is pushing hard to get her married man to D his wife. Then she can have it all. My H, my house, my life.
Speaking of house.....
I came home early from school today because I was sick. Just as I was getting comfy on the sofa under a cushy blanket, I heard the garage door opening. He walked in, went to his bedroom, and then started some laundry. As I was wondering why he came home so early, the doorbell rang. He answered it, and told the lady to come in. It was a realtor he asked to check out the house. He said " MJ this is Realtor. I said I wasn't expecting anyone as I came home sick from school today, and it would have been nice if I would have known." He took her back outside, and I went in my bedroom. He was outside for a while. He also must have been talking to the neighbor across the street. That neighbor moved his skank in. He had been married to his wife for 35 years when he found his skank. She promptly left, went to another state where their kids are, and D him. He use to complain all the time how she took him in court, wanting us to feel sorry for him. My H must have thought it was a great idea he had, so he decided to do it also. The guy across the street must also be giving him pointers on how not to let your wife get you in court.
I then decided to go to church even if I was sick. I rather be in church sick, than to be at home sick in the same house with him.
When I got home, he was sitting in the livingroom watching television. I made a grilled cheese sand and some hot tea w/honey, took it to my bedroom and shut the door behind me.
Funny how sometimes detaching comes so easily!
A friend at church told me not to be shattered by what happened today. I said I can't believe how I've not cracked from all this. She raised her hands in church, and said "THIS is why!"
MJ
Journaling...
I came down with strep throat, and have been in bed for several days. I'm starting to feel a little better tonight however. H came home a while ago after being gone all weekend. He asked how I was feeling and if he could get anything for me. I told him I was good. I really felt like telling him what he could get me was himself out of this MLC before this D came through.
H has been getting texts and he's been answering them. I have never set any boundaries about his calls, because this is his house also. He's also good with the nasty comments. Since I'm already feeling sick and my stress level is so high, I almost said something tonight. I did call the dog away from him though. I hate it when he pets the dog with the same hands he's touched the skank with.
I wish I could tell him how I really feel.
How selfish he's been.
How I feel about all the lies he's told about me and our M.
How he no longer has any morals.
How he doesn't see the ow is using him for her "Sugar Daddy".
How he has destroyed our M.
He would have an awful comeback for all of them.
What is it Charlyne Steinkamp says; "Zip the Lips"
I also need to remember that the Lord said "vengence is HIS".
I am so mentally drained. I want so much to be in a happy place in my life again.
I thought about sending my MIL and his siblings Christmas cards, but I didn't know what to say. I know what I would like to say, and that is " I am looking forward to the day when the truth will be revealed." I know, that wouldn't be nice. BUT, I have been wanting to set the record straight for so long. I've also got to remember that blood is thicker than water, and I would be the one to come off looking bad.
I need to continue to build my STRENGTH, and remember that nothing formed against me will prosper.
MJ
MJ -
Hope you are feeling better! It sounds like you are doing well. I have been checking in some but this is such a crazy time of year - trying to get all the "stuff" done so I can just relax and enjoy the holiday with the kids.
I hope 2010 brings you much happiness - you deserve it!!!
((((hugs))))
((((MJ))))
I hope you are feeling much better...I have been following your updates and yes Charlene says "Zip your lips"
I have to repeat this alot when I am in contact with my H...
I just wanted to check in with you and wish you a wonderful night.
(((MJ)))
Just checking in. How was your holiday? Hope you are doing fun things for you!
(((((Serenity & Faith)))))
Thanks for checking in on me.
I went to Urgent Care on the 23rd because I was still not feeling well. After checking me out thoroughly, they diagnosed me with Bronchiol Pnemonia *sorry about the spelling. They wanted to admit me into the hospital. After much pleading with them that I didn't want to go to the hospital no way no how, they said I could go home only if I had complete bedrest.So they sent me home with antibiotics and another rx that makes me drowsy. Also I could only have juice and soup. Merry Christmas to me! I have been laid up for almost a week. I wouldn't have known it was Christmas, except for the shows on TV. I was planning to go to my D who lives in the same state, but obviously couldn't go. I didn't tell her how sick I was, because it was the first Christmas in her new home, and I didn't want her to feel like she had to come here.
Now for the update...
Still living with MLC H, and it's getting so much harder.
As I was miserably laying on the sofa Christmas Eve, He got dressed up and went on his merry way. He saw that I was sick,but didn't know to what extent.
I don't know what was going on with him and ow, but he stayed home all Christmas Day and night. He stayed in his bedroom however. We hardly spoke, if at all. No presents.
The next afternoon, he received a text and he was out of the house within ten minutes. He arrived home around nine o'clock and walked right past me without saying a word. Didn't even look my way. I thought to myself, he's the one that took a hatchet to our M and he's treating me like I'm the one that did. There is so much that I would love to say to him, but that wouldn't be good. I keep remembering to keep my lips zipped. That it doesn't do any good to say anything to them anyway. They're off in their little fantasy world of them not doing anything wrong.
On sunday, he spent several hours sorting and filing paperwork and receipts. He has a plastic filer tote with a lid that he keeps his stuff filed in. He had been getting lax, and everything was starting to pile up on the top of the lid. I made some soup, and asked him if he would like some. He told me no thanks in the most sarcastic tone. Again he got a text, and was out the door in no time. I watched him walk out the door carrying his file tote. I wondered where he might be going with that. MMmmm.... He doesn't trust me? He's been cheating on me, and I'm not the one to be trusted!
So for today...
I had to go to the store as the cupboards were getting bare.
Even the dogs were out of food. You would have thought H would have offered to go to the store. No, he would rather me go and eat what I buy. While I was out, I received a message from my attorney. She wanted me to call her immediately! I thought this was strange because her office was supposed to be closed this week. I returned her call and she told me my H had retained an attorney. As you may recall, he has been representing himself. This attorney is known to be the most hot shot D attorney in town. It costs ten thousand dollars just to retain him. His wife happens to work at the same place my H does. In fact, her office is right next door. How convenient! I wonder if H got a discount because they knew each other. Mmmm....
Now I probably know why he was taking his file box with him. His attorney probably told him to get it out of the house. I wonder what's coming next. I hear this attorney is mean. I hope they can't force me out of the house.
I now have to fill out a ton of paperwork that his attorney sent to my attorney. I am so sick of filling out paperwork! I thought I was done. He is asking me to pay for his attorneys fees.
I can't believe I once loved this man. He has become evil!
I'm also afraid to say or do anything around him. For fear he'll take it to his cutthroat lawyer.
It makes me sad he did this when I have done nothing but show him dignity and grace.
MJ
((((((MJ)))))) OH My!!! I'm so sorry! You do not deserve this....I am really starting to frustrated with the system. It seems in the name of "freedom", people are excused their weaknesses, instead of working on them...
Just my opinion. Won't get on my soap box, but people are rewarded for being fickle! Its annoying, in the least.
Ok...now how is your pneumonia???? How are you feeling? Are you better or about the same? Energy level??? Eat well and take care of yourself.
Orchid
(((MLJ)))
Hope you are feelig better now. It takes a while to recover from pneumonia, so take it easy even if you feel better. I am sorry that your H just waltzed through the door and left you ill on the couch. He is so special right now, isn't he?
I really do admire you, mlj. I am not sure that if I were on my sickbed I could have offered my H soup while he never even asked how I was feeling.
I hope you can get out of the house and spend some time with friends when you are up to it.
You have shown your H dignity and grace. But enough about him. This is your time now. What does mlj want from life? God will give you beauty for ashes. He is still in control and I believe good things are gonna happen for you.
I am so sorry you are so sick! Being on bedrest and dealing with this BS is not easy... I can relate!
I don't know where you live (and I wish you lived near me because I would go to the market for you!) but you may want to Google "national grocery delivery service". Many of them are hooked in to local chains and some deliver groceries. If they don't deliver often times they will have your order ready to pick up. I know Pet Smart delivers dog food too!
Never mind your thoughtless H. Take care of you so you can get better. Worry about everything else when you are healthy.
(((MJ)))
I hope you are feeling better! Sorry your H didn't make any effort to care for you. You deserve so much better.
Happy New Year! Do you have any plans? I hope 2010 is a year of many, many blessings for you. There is no telling what God has in store for you!
MJ - just checking in. Are you around?