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Dear Michelle,
I have found The Divorce Remedy to be most instructive. I immediately
re-read it when a new situation arises between my husband and I - whether
positive or negative. I continue to hope that he will eventually reconcile.
Would you have time to clarify a couple of points from the book?
1. In dealing with a spouse who won't end an affair, you advise against
pursuing, etc. Does contacting my husband regarding home maintenance,
renovation decisions and location of household work tools constitute
pursuing? He doesn't seem to mind such contact, but I'm not sure, since I
only recently realized that he has some passive aggressive traits - not
involving inefficiency in any way though. He has told me that he wanted me
to manage the work that needs to be done.
Although not ready to follow the "After the last-resort Technique", I would
like to be prepared on one point.
2. The letter you suggest writing advises telling your spouse that you love
them enough to let them go, but should that letter also indicate that there
will be no further relationship until the OP is completely out of the
picture - or is the spouse suppose to make this conclusion. The recommended
contents of the letter isn't quite clear to me based on my interpretation of
the direction on page 219.
Here are my responses:
In regards to your first question, it's unlcear to me whether your husband does or doesn't mind the tasks. On one hand, you say he doesn't mind, but on the other you mention that he's asked you to handle these tasks on your own. You first need to figure out whether he's burdened by your requests or whether he really doesn't mind doing what you've asked. That makes all the difference in the world. If you're unsure, you can try once more and see what happens. As always, the proof is in the pudding.
To your second question- Your "setting him free" letter should tell your spouse that it's clear to you that he has made a choice for the OP and that you no longer want to suspend your life waiting. Be clear that you aren't willing to share him anymore and that you have come to terms with letting him go under the circumstances. Don't tell him to stop seeing the OP, just tell him that you realized that you deserve more in your life and that you're not going to be with someone who is unfaithful. In other words, don't tell him what to do , tell him what YOU'RE going to do.Get it?
Hope this helps.
Michele