stumbled across this link cleaing out my computer....quick update on wifes 6 month affair from 3 years ago. Still living in the same house but if not for the 3 kids would have been gone long ago. Sorry what people say on here, reading a book and councling do not make the angst and spite go way, only takes little things to set off one thing or another....it is in my opinion almost impossible to forgive the lies and hateful things that were said and done by her. and to this day she wants to act as if it never happened, she is embarrased by it but no one knows what she did and she wants to keep it that way.
good luck to anyone else who has to deal with the sleepless nights and putting up a fake front for friend and family (who would be repulsed by her actions) - but most of all for my kids i feel sorry that they don't have the parents that love and are affectionate to one another.
just another day living with her DECISION - total BS when people call it a MISTAKE....the mistake was getting caught in the DECISION they make.
gman,
I am right in the same situation as you are. I agree that it wasn't a mistake. The cheating spouse made a decision to do what they did. Calling it a mistake only adds to their dilutions of being a victim. I am sick of my wifes lies and tired of putting on the front.
Guys. I am the wife in my home and I was the one who had an affair.
When I tell my husband I made a mistake, I am not dismissing my choices or decisions. I am owning them and recognizing they are wrong.
I am calling it a "mistake" rather than a "tragic romance" or some such. I am calling a spade a spade. And infidelity is indeed a mistake, a huge ugly mistake.
People do make them. I hope you find it in yourself to forgive your wives guys. If they say it's a mistake, it means they love you and want you to love them again.
I agree too. I cannot forgive, I cannot forget and I try to understand MY part of guilt in his decision. But I don't think it's my fault and I don't think I'll be able to get over it.
Don't know, maybe I need some more time, but it seems that I'll never trust him again.
God, how will I be able to live like this?
When I tell my husband I made a mistake, I am not dismissing my choices or decisions. I am owning them and recognizing they are wrong.
I am calling it a "mistake" rather than a "tragic romance" or some such. I am calling a spade a spade. And infidelity is indeed a mistake, a huge ugly mistake.
People do make them. I hope you find it in yourself to forgive your wives guys. If they say it's a mistake, it means they love you and want you to love them again.
I agree with this ^^^^.
I personally think it doesn't matter what you call it - a decision, a mistake, whatever. (Isn't making a wrong decision a mistake anyways?)
I think the key is if the cheating spouse realizes the damage done, is remorseful and wants to make things right and fix the marriage.
Yet none of that really matters if the betrayed spouse is not willing to forgive...
In the end, for some people infidelity is a deal breaker and we each have to look inside and determine if that is our case or not. If it is, then we are better off forgiving and moving on. if it's not, then we forgive and stand in the hopes that our cheating spouse turns around and wants to work on it.
Regardless of what we decide, WE will be better off forgiving - it's a gift we give ourselves, not our spouse.
Guys, I said to this my husband, and for him he said it was the true eye opener.
How can you, my husband, expect me to forget about my affair and embrace this marriage, if you can't forget?
You let go of the affair, and so will she. She can't, not without you right there beside her guys.
Help the both of you move on.
I am in the process of forgiving...my wife has said she was so sorry and it was a big mistake. I truely believe that. However, she is still in the "i care for you but I have fallen out of love with you...". She was a classic MLC but has seemed to have taken a break.
Anyway guys, you have to find forgivness.
And this issue is only three weeks since I confronted her....
Sadly, if you cannot forgive your spouse guys, then the affair is still going... YOU are keeping it going.
YOU end the affair when YOU let it go.
Think back how many times you asked your SPOUSE to END her affair?
NOW who can't let go of the destructive behavior?
Come on guys... You can do this. She let go, now you do the same...
When you forgive guys, you let the hate and anger go... Your hate will consume you if you can't let it go soon. And your kids have to grow up in a home full of hate and bitterness rather than love.
Let it go for your kids, for yourself...
I understand that "mistakes" are made....like when you make and addition error or subtraction error, affairs on the other hand, no matter how you look at them are "decisions". They are actions that have consiquences.
each situation is also different, i never KNEW about the affair that she hid for six months from me - it was only when i caught her with the OM wife in their lies that i knew, she was an evil witch for those six months to me. she still to this day doesn't want to talk about her choice and how it would affect others. the biggest regret that cheaters have...being caught.
forgivness sometimes is not an option if the cheater doesn't even attempt to mend any of the damage they did, they only want to "forget about it"...sorry kind of hard to forget that your wife was screwing a guy for 6 months behind your back
I understand that "mistakes" are made....like when you make and addition error or subtraction error, affairs on the other hand, no matter how you look at them are "decisions". They are actions that have consiquences.
well - a wrong decision is also a mistake. it might not be like an unintentional math error, because it is a conscious decision, but it is still a mistake when you make the wrong choice.
so tell me, in your past, did you only ever make right decisions? you never made a wrong decision? i.e. anything which, in retrospect, you realize that you should have done differently?
all of us have made wrong decisions about something or other. not necessarily about cheating, of course, but e.g. accepting (or declining) a certain job when we realize later that we should have done the opposite. choosing whether or not to go to college. going somewhere and ending up in an accident. etc. just to give a few of many life decisions where we can make a mistake.
a wrong decision is still a mistake, even if we made the decision ourselves.
she still to this day doesn't want to talk about her choice and how it would affect others. the biggest regret that cheaters have...being caught.
forgivness sometimes is not an option if the cheater doesn't even attempt to mend any of the damage they did, they only want to "forget about it"...
so that is the question. has she shown remorse, has she tried to repair the damage?
the main question here: is she trying to repair the damage and you are not allowing her to do so? or is she not even trying?
sorry kind of hard to forget that your wife was screwing a guy for 6 months behind your back
no, you can't "forget" it, but if she shows remorse, and tries to repair the damamge (and you allow her to do so), the memories will get dimmer. like any other traumatic event. you would never completely forget about it, but you can reach a situation where the damage is repaired and you think about your present and future, and not the past. like a broken vase that has been successfully glued back together, you might still see the cracks if you look closely, but in general it is doing its job and the cracks are no longer obvious.
"each situation is also different,"
Even though the reasons or situations leading up to an A are different, the end result is the same.
"i knew, she was an evil witch for those six months to me."
Because of the A. It's her shame that causes them to do that.
"she still to this day doesn't want to talk about her choice and how it would affect others."
That is her choice because she feels uncomfortable about it.
"the biggest regret that cheaters have...being caught."
That is a simply wrong blanket statement.
"forgivness sometimes is not an option if the cheater doesn't even attempt to mend any of the damage they did,"
No. Forgiveness is ALWAYS an option. Forgiveness is in the control of the person who was cheated on. Even if she did apologize and did everything she could to make you happy, you may not "forgive" her.
"they only want to "forget about it"...sorry kind of hard to forget that your wife was screwing a guy for 6 months behind your back"
It only takes one person to change the dynamic. If you continue to act pissy and resentful towards her, she's not going to feel safe enough to open up to you again. That's probably why she doesn't want to apologize to you.
Have you gone to a C to talk about these things? Have you sat down and talked to your W about it? And I don't mean you confronting her and accusing her, etc. I mean, you actually having a heart to heart, telling her that you have been extremely hurt by her actions and want to heal and need her to help you to heal.
good luck to anyone else who has to deal with the sleepless nights and putting up a fake front for friend and family (who would be repulsed by her actions) - but most of all for my kids i feel sorry that they don't have the parents that love and are affectionate to one another.
It is YOUR choice if you put on a front. It is YOUR choice if you do not love and are not affectionate to your W. If she is not that way toward you, you have the choice to stay or leave. But you are hurting your children by all the bitterness you harbor in your heart. You can blame everything on her, but only you are responsible for how you react to her actions.
just another day living with her DECISION - total BS when people call it a MISTAKE....the mistake was getting caught in the DECISION they make.
I agree that it's more than just a mistake. It is a sin. Sin is always a choice. The scripture says the wages of sin is death. So, something dies when there is sin. If you could offer suggestions about who or what would die in your stitch, what would it be?
"the biggest regret that cheaters have...being caught."
You can't speak for everyone. Getting caught was not my biggest regret. Your hatred is going to eat you alive.
each situation is also different, i never KNEW about the affair that she hid for six months from me - it was only when i caught her with the OM wife in their lies that i knew, she was an evil witch for those six months to me.
Which part makes you so angry? The fact that she was with OM, or that she hid it? Would it have been better if she told you in advance what she was going to do and then openly conduct the A?
forgivness sometimes is not an option if the cheater doesn't even attempt to mend any of the damage they did,
People can't work for forgiveness. They can't do enough to deserve it. It only comes by one way. It's called "grace".
It is very difficult for some to admit that they were wrong and if she isn't willing to work on the relationship, it may not be fixable. However, that has nothing to do with forgiveness. Forgiveness is about you, not the cheater. It is a way for you to release the negative emotions that are holding you back from enjoying your life.
Detach. Take a deep breath. And learn to let go of the past. I was in your situation a few months ago and it was definitely not easy to forgive, but now that I have, I feel so much better. I am happier, my family is happier, and she hasn't changed a bit. But, it doesn't matter because it put me into a place to move on.
Forgiveness will allow you to be a better person. It will make her more comfortable around you and more likely to make changes. It will give your relationship a chance. And even if it doesn't work out, it will give you a better chance at being happy.
all i just wanted to let you know, i tried all the stuff on this site when she gave me the ILYBNILWY speech. to be honest had it not been for the people i exchanged stories and books i read from this site, not sure i would have made it to this point at all.
call me bitter or full of hate if you will, the simple point i wanted to make is sometimes stuff can't be repaired, forgivness won't come, and forgetting is impossible. not all ends happy and nice. i do find it funny how i get portrayed as the bad guy by posting my true thoughts, and she was the adultress and gets defended...comical to me.
i tried to mend with her, she rejected C and doesn't want to tlak about it (because after exposed she learned the OM had another A goin on the side and was just using her like a peice of meat)- sadly kids are not dumb, and i will NOT spend a day without them becuse of the choice she made. and heck...if we did D my kids quality of life would suffer because i know she would want support from me and i can't afford two houses and all the $ to support my kids (she was a SAH mom).
So what r doing then, living as roommates while she continues the affair?
Gman. How did you find out about the affair?
@MJ - he wrote in his opening post that his wife's affair lasted for 6 months and was 3 years ago. i.e. despite the fact that her affair is long over, and didn't last very long either, he wants to continue punishing her for it forever. and in doing so he is punishing himself and his kids. it's very, very sad.
his behavior is keeping the memory of the affair alive long after it ended.
gman - I have news for you. you say that some behavior can't be forgiven. well, this forum is full of people who have experienced the same betrayal you did (in some cases, for a much longer time), and yet found the ability to forgive their wayward spouse and rebuilt their relationship.
one of the goals of divorce busting is to make yourself a better choice than the OP. but with your punishing, unforgiving behavior, I wonder why your wife doesn't just pick up and leave.
it's very sad that in your effort to make her miserable, you are just making yourself miserable. you write that some things can't be forgiven. well, it all depends on you.
Where do I know for sure that the affair ended? Maybe they are just hiding it better. Because divorcing it's not an option and the OW is not an option too.
I really understand gman. I want to forgive and try to forget. But it seems both of us are unable to do that. Maybe we need some more time, but I doubt it.
@darkhair - while there is no way to know "for sure" beyond a shadow of a doubt - there are signs that would indicate if she is cheating or not, especially if she is living at home. I think that gman himself is pretty sure that the affair is over, because he wrote in his first post "update on wifes 6 month affair from 3 years ago". i.e. he knows when it started and when it ended, and he is reasonably sure that his wife has not been cheating since the affair ended 3 years ago. otherwise he would have phrased this differently.
he is being vengeful and unforgiving, he specifically states: "it is in my opinion almost impossible to forgive the lies and hateful things that were said and done by her." but there are many people in this forum who have decided to forgive their wayward spouse and rebuild their relationship. forgiveness comes from a decision by the betrayed spouse to forgive - i.e. to look at the present and future and not remain fixated on the past. we can't change the past. we can only change the present and future.
he also says: "to this day she wants to act as if it never happened, she is embarrased by it but no one knows what she did and she wants to keep it that way." but that is not surprising in view of his unforgiving attitude.
my DB counsellor told me: "when asking your spouse questions about the past, act like a news reporter, asking questions in a neutral way and not getting upset at the answers, just gathering information." but I am sure that gman cannot bring himself to do this. probably when he asks her questions about her infidelity, he cannot refrain from going ballistic if she tells him anything about what happened; and he probably cannot refrain from phrasing the questions in a mean, accusing way.
now I agree that the behavior of any unfaithful spouse is deplorable; but if you want information about the past, you won't get it if you attack them when you are asking questions.
my advice for gman is, not to ask her questions about what she did in her infidelity, because it's pretty definite that he won't be able to handle the answers. the goal of asking questions about the infidelity is to give the unfaithful spouse an opportunity to say, basically: "yes, I hid this in the past, but now I am showing I am trustworthy by not hiding it any longer." however, if the betrayed spouse cannot handle the information - if this information makes him angrier rather than more reassured - then it is best NOT TO ASK ABOUT "WHAT SHE DID".
instead, though, as a trust-building question, he could ask about how she hid the infidelity. this needs to be asked in a reassuring way: "I promise I won't get angry at you for the past. In order to be able to put this behind us, I want to know how you hid the infidelity from me." and then he needs to keep that promise - to listen calmly, not show any anger, and not bring this up as an accusation at any time in the future.
he should ask just one question at a time, i.e., no more than one question a day, until he can show his wife that he won't get angry at her for answering the questions. when she feels confident that he won't go ballistic on her, she will be able to be more forthcoming with answers.
it should be noted that in many cases, i.e. if the betrayed spouse can't handle the unpleasant information, reconciliation is easier if the husband and wife just say: the past is the past, and from this day forward we will be faithful and loving, and rebuild our relationship. gman should consider the possibility of doing it this way.
I have a question for gman.
suppose one of your kids tried to reach something on a high shelf, and accidentally knocked over and shattered a valuable, irreplaceable, antique vase. I don't know how old your kids are, but let's suppose that when this happens, the kid is old enough to know better, i.e. he/she is aware when reaching for the high object that it could quite likely knock down the vase.
so what do you do? do you never talk to your kid again? what is more important, the vase (no matter how valuable) or your relationship with your kid? years later, will you look back with satisfaction and say, "yeah, I never talked to my kid again after that, but I sure punished him/her for breaking that vase!"
or....
do you forgive him/her for breaking the vase; realize that he/she made a dumb mistake when he/she decided (yes, DECIDED) to try to reach the high object when it could have (and in fact did) knock over the vase; and say to him/her - "I will forgive you if you promise me to never do something like that again."
and while you mourn the loss of the valuable vase, you have decided to preserve something much more important in life.
IT IS UP TO YOU!!!
lol...too trusting, you paint a great picture of me without even knowing me or the destruction she did to our family with her actions - "going balistic"...sorry, but hate to tell you i am the quiet voice when i tried to ask questions, she was the one who went "balistic" when she yelled at me for her A, "i just want to forget about it"....so does your C also tell you in order to move forward from the A there needs to be a rebuilding of trust? mending the hole the fallen tree left in your home? if the branch is removed cant fix the roof until the supporting structure is sound right?
as for your question, there is a huge difference about making a poor decsion and accidently knocking over a vase and making a poor decision to let another man put his penis inside you, while married to another. These are both poor decsions yes, but one has an "accidental" result (might knock vase ove and might not)and the other is a "direct" result of a choice...there is no other result possible (unless you don't get caught).
and as for the kids, i do everything with them...it is the way i GAL during he BS and she resents that they always want me to do things with them and not her....i know i am no saint, nor do i claim to have been. If she wanted to pack he bags and leave, she has had more than enough chances.
gman
Gman. How did you find out about the affair?
cell phone is in my name....she bumped up the plan to cover all the text messages between them...sadly i was friends with the guy so easy to figure out, once i called the number.
@gman.
Going forward. What do you think you can do for yourself to step past this road block that you have for yourself?
There is nothing wrong at all with not wanting to sweep your thoughts and feelings under the rug because they do not play into the cheating spouses concept of reality.
Since this is an issue for you that needs to be addressed. Continue to address it but make sure you have expectations , choices , actions and consequences.
This is something you need to work through as individuals and as a couple.
If she does not take your thoughts and feelings with the 100% respect and work that is required then you have even more answers on the level of a wife you have and you need to decide if its worth it to continue on. You worked hard. I can see your frustration on figuring out that it may have been a stacked game the whole time. You work hard you improve and get nothing in return except a wife who has zero regrets, zero remorse and zero respect. Hopefully it is not that way. But it may be. That is for you to decide.
Gman. How did you find out about the affair?
cell phone is in my name....she bumped up the plan to cover all the text messages between them...sadly i was friends with the guy so easy to figure out, once i called the number.
You got smashed. Sorry to hear about it. Was the "friend" was this always an interloper, or things just got out of control. IE: was there always a shortage of respect that wasn't realized?
Was there anything in the "type" of relationship partner that after the fact is a lot more clear?
I feel for you. My wife is having an affair but she doesn't know I know and I also know the guy. It [censored]. Good luck to you and all of us in this situation.
@ Chatterbug - great input...does feel like everything is stacked against me, do have thoughts at times about where would i be today if i had tossed her out like my gut wanted to...but my kids would have been crushed (and the whole financial thing). trying to work forwad but she just gets pissed if i have a "bad" day or something "triggers" me in to a sort of depressed funk.
@ DLS - the more i look back before the A i think it was a shortage of respect for me that i am just now realizing (only other person that knows about this is my office "wife" and is amazed with all the disrepect i get, and tell me all the time that my W should be thankful for all the things i do, and wants to tell her she has no clue how good she has it). on the flip of it since the A i don't let walk on me and i don't have her on the pedalstal i used to keep her on.
@Kenva - if my bad expirence taught me one thing, you better expose her and let her know you know, don't live in the darkness alone.
gman, why on EARTH are you sharing marital trouble discussions with members of the opposite sex in your workplace?
Lose the "office wife", or your wife has every cause to disrespect you.
Sharing marital problems with members of the opposite sex in your workplace is a huge marriage NO NO.
if you want respect gman, you need to earn it every day. And you are disrespecting your wife right now by sharing that info at work.
Gman- you have been through hell but I think you will find a way back. I hope she will earn her way back with you.
I can't believe I am going to post something on this topic, it has been a little over 3 years when I discovered about the lying, cheating, drinking ways of the man I am legally married to.
Oh yes, over ALL this time, he has come back to me MANY times saying how much he loves me, wants to work on us. He went to a counselor 2 times, then I started seeing her with him a year after. That didn't last long. We stopped because he wasn't doing anything that she told him to do with me. You see, I have been married 32 years. This was the 5th marriage counselor in our married years. Granted, I will admit, I wasn't always doing what I was told to do to make my marriage successful. Now I am a different person.
Three years ago I read either in a book or on this forum, " I didn't ask to be on this journey but I am thankful for the experience. It was my lesson in life to learn about me and I will be forever grateful."
That is my mantra.
With the help of that counselor ( which I still see ), a Life Coach (3 years ago) BUT mostly from the wise words of Timber Hawkeye, author of Buddhist Boot Camp, I have become a much better person. I am still working on me.
The man I am still married to is still a broken man. My counselor said it back in March 2013. " S is a broken man who refuses to fix himself. You don't want a broken man as your partner. You can love him but from a distance."
September 2013 this man said to me, " I am going back to counseling for me. I want to figure out why I can't commit to coming back to you when I know I love you and we have so much in common. We are best friends. " LOL!! That didn't last long. He went only about 4 or 5 times.
He keeps going back to the OW. Funny, he always says to me,
" I have no one special in my life. I will always love you, you have a special place in my heart." 3 years ago he admitted that the OW had a drinking problem worse than him, that she was a horrible housekeeper and that her adult kids were all screwed up. Now he claims he never had a drinking problem. He is REALLY confused.
My counselor says, " she isn't special to him, you are. This is all about sex or being his drinking partner."
Either way, it still hurts after all these years.
He keeps sending me mixed messages. My birthday was in early April and he sent me a dozen red roses with a card that said, " Happy Birthday to a special person. Love, S"
My counselor said I should have refused to accept them.
I told her that because I am a forgiving, loving person, I just accept this as a lovely gesture, nothing more, nothing less.
The point I am trying to make is this, yes, forgive and move on. Do it for yourself. BUT love yourself more. You see, not all are really willing to work on repairing the marriage.
I believe S ( his name ) does nice gestures to try to look like he is a great guy, to show everyone that he is a great guy BUT no one but me knows what is really going on. He is still involved with the OW.
I still go to counseling because I don't bother my girlfriends with all this crap yet I sometimes need to talk it out. I am very willing to pay a counselor to listen and make me aware of things. Sure, Sometimes I need a different perspective on things.
From Timber Hawkeye ~ You can love someone unconditionally, but keeping them in your life can most certainly have conditions. ~
Without communication there is no relationship; without respect there is no love, and without trust there is no reason to continue. It truly does take 2 to make a thing go right.
" Never discourage anyone who continually makes progress, no matter how slow" ~ Aristole
" What comes, let it come. What stays, let it stay. What goes, let it go." ~ Papaji
"We are only as sick as our secrets. The truth has set you free!!" Just saw these words today on FB / Buddhist Boot Camp. You see, that man that I am still married to, has so many secrets. All I ever ask of him is to be truthful. He always says, " I don't have to listen to listen to this" and walks away.
Namaste.
@ shelly - just FYI the "woman" at work place is a friend of mine i have known for 20 years and have only spoken to her in confidence. to be honest the "disrespecting my W" comments you are making are not even close to realistic, there has been no "sharing", she figured it out two and a half years after it happened on her own.
curious to your thoughts on which is more disrespectful - having a 6 month affair with your spouses friend behind thier back - or confiding in a friend about it 2 years after the fact?
@ db - you hit the "through hell" right on the head....lol
@ cat - interesting insights and mantra to live by, but unfortunately it might just be too late for me and my situation.
Gman, it seems like the real question is, if it wasn't "too late", would you WANT to work out your marriage?
We all pick the relationships we want in life. Either through boundaries , indifference or acceptance. We control the quality of these relationships as well. Through our actions or lack of actions. We choose to be stuck just as much as we choose to move forward or backwards.
curious to your thoughts on which is more disrespectful - having a 6 month affair with your spouses friend behind thier back - or confiding in a friend about it 2 years after the fact?
They are BOTH disrespectful.
If you want to repair your marriage gman then respect your wife. Stop complaining and work with her rather than betraying her trust and humiliating her in your workplace.
Stop scorekeeping. That does NOT improve a marriage.
You can be right, or you can be happy gman. You chose.
If you chose to reconcile then DO that. Dont' reconcile and just mope and be bitter. That's not going to help anyone.
If you can't find the maturity to forgive and be happy together, then at least find the maturity to end your marriage rather than humiliating your wife in your workplace.
Pointing fingers at what SHE did three years ago, does not in any way legitimize your behavior NOW.