Hi,
My H has almost certainly been having an affair with OW for about 2 years or so. She was a former client of ours. She divorced her husband around that time. Was a BIG red flag for me at that time. All the signs have been there...MLC, purchase of a classic convertible, a new motorcycle, increased grooming (especially in certain areas), spending less time at home, doing more things "alone" on Saturdays.
I must say H did a pretty good job of not slipping up in all of this time. He even has a "secret cell phone" which he just accidentally called me from last week. Boy was he surprised when I answered! Honestly, I have found no evidence of receipts or lipstick on the collar so to speak.
I have been trying to do 180's, and am just finding it so difficult to stay cheerful when I feel cheated, lonely and ridiculed by his behavior. I don't want o appear mopey and sad because that will make him want to run to OW more. But I feel like a fake when acting cheerful when I feel horrible.
Does anyone have any strategies with staying cheerful but not appearing phony or fake? I know he knows that I am upset about the cell phone revelation. He of course made up a lame story as to why he was calling from another number. The kicker was that he even left a message on my cell phone from that number thinking he was leaving it for OW (pretty certain of that).
Any advice is much appreciated!
Me - 46
H - 52
It does feel fake in the beginning. If you can stay cheerful and upbeat, as part of the new you, it will become more natural even tually.
Build yourself a life with things you love and love to do as well. That will take you a long way towards your own happiness.
Thanks TulsaTime....
I did read the DR book two years ago and even worked with a DB coach over the phone. Jodie was GREAT by the way if she is still with the organization.
The lies. I don't know if I'll ever trust again. I almost think that if he flat out told me the truth it would be easier to deal with. I think if I knew the A was over, I could deal with it better. But knowing that it is not, and she works where I attend college makes me want to quit school! And it took me so long to get back in. (just started last month!)
I don't want to be that crazy stalker wife, but I am drawn to finding out more about OW. Why is she so great? What does she have that I don't have? I'll admit it...I've googled her. She has done some pretty amazing things...but she is not a mom. She hasn't worked full time, run her own business and prepared two children to go off to college. She's been divorced twice. Not even that pretty. So why I ask myself?
I have really worked on ME in the last two years, but the recent revelation just kicked me back to the curb.
I have honestly never felt pain like this before. It hurts to my core. Still not sleeping or eating. It helps to come here and I also picked up a Joel Osteen book that has some really great messages. Thanks for listening...
H looked nice when he left for work today. He knows I have school tonight. Last Tuesday (day after v-day) I got home from school before he got home from his day. He said he had a drink with a work associate (right?). He was surprised that I was home before him.
So...in my mind....he was probably with OW while I was at class. Doesn't help that she actually works where I am going to school. I can't get it out of my mind. My feelings go back and forth from being sad, depressed, angry, hurt to mad and *issed for being in this place at 46. This is NOT how I envisioned my family life at this age.
Then I faultered this a.m. on my DB'ing. I gave H a new watch for V-day but it needs to be fitted. I asked if he had it fitted yet since he didn't wear his ring anymore I'd like him to wear the watch. I am a complete moron. The fact that H doen't wear his ring speaks volumes. He was a man who would never be without his wedding ring until 2 years ago.
I feel like I am going crazy. I had the day off yesterday....and I actually drove aimlously around looking for H and OW where I thought they might be together. I just have this idea in my mind that if I could catch them together, he couldn't deny anymore. Pathetic I know.
I feel like I have to be guarded now. I know that we are each responsible for our own happiness. I am really an overall upbeat person...my friends call me "the nice one" of our group. I always try to see the good in people. I do the same with H but I feel this darkness and shadiness that scares me.
To top it off, my mom emailed me about a great promotion that my little brother just earned. She was so excited for him. So am I! I love my brother. He is actually the type of husband and father that I admire most. But this is what she wrote in the last paragraph of the email letting me know about my brother's promotion:
"By the way, not for one instant do we think anything less of you. You are one talented, bright, ambitious, beautiful, unappreciated woman. I don't think I could ever, in my life, do what you do. You are a gem, and if I could give you an award, it would be for "Most Outstanding Human Being on the Planet."
Odd for sure. I know she didn't mean to hurt my feelings, but with everything going on with H, and of course I can't tell anybody, I feel so closed off. I guess I should just learn to take a compliment even if it is a backhanded compliment.
Thanks for listening.
What exactly would you like to do with the information if you had dead proof of the affair?
I'm asking because it's important to think this through.
Would you want it so you could confront him and break through the lies? Would you then be okay with it if that drove him to separate and be with her? Or are you fantasizing that this would be the thing that starts him to repair the marriage? It can go either way, you shouldn't confront him unless you are okay with either outcome.
Would you like to know for sure for YOU, so you can stop second guessing yourself and make a decision for your life based on the truth? Then go ahead and hire a private detective. I know I wouldn't be able to stand being in that position and not knowing.
Would you leave him if you knew for SURE? Are you in a position to leave (or to boot him) or should you be shoring up your financial situation first? Think carefully about your financial plans before you upset the applecart, I say. You might need to squirrel away an emergency fund, or plan to split the joint accounts the day you tell him, or might need to obtain financial records first before you boot him.
Or you might be one of those people who plans to DB and be positive and hope he drifts back from the affair - in which case, knowing more details about the affair will only drive you crazy. Pictures and love notes especially - don't look at them if you don't want to be haunted by them.
Thanks KML for your reply.
You're right...I don't know what I would do with absolute proof. Our finances like most marriage couples are very intermingled. Especially because our main source of income comes from H and our business. He is self employed, and I manage the office. I also work outside as a consultant part-time, but he is for sure the bread winner of the family. We have a son in his second year of college and a daughter getting ready to leave for college in the fall. Lots to consider.
As far as me "knowing", I think I want to know for my sanity's sake. He has accused me in the past of being non-trusting. Like that was my fault! Isn't trust earned? Is it my fault that he called me from his secret cell phone thinking he was calling OW? Is it my fault that he was surprised when I anwered? There are so many things he could do to earn my trust (if he wanted to). What about wearing the wedding ring? What about coming home early every once in awhile?
I know he has pressures with our business...as do I. I mean we are in the worst economic climate since the Great Depression. I feel so fortunate and blessed that we've made it this far financially.
Well..I have to go back to work now. H just called but I didn't pick up. I'm too upset and tired of small talk. I am sure he was just making his last check-in call before hooking up with OW this afternoon while I'm at class. Thankyou for listening...I have nowhere else to go.
Abbey, for me, knowing took away the chance to win him back in some ways. Once I knew, he bolted to avoid the confrontations and feelings of guilt. I know this [censored], but keep doing what you are doing with DB'ing. I've seen amazing results in our interactions (whether we reconcile or not, he's treating me and our kids with respect a lot more than he was in the last year) and it's helped me let go of a lot of anger and hurt. I went from making myself be upbeat to it coming more naturally to me.
Some tips to help you through the "faking it" period- def make small concrete goals for your interactions with him and overall. I started reading/looking for news items for casual discussions. I look at things that interest me and share them sometimes. I'm spending more time with friends and family. (Your mom thinks you're awesome...she knows you better than anyone else in the world, so own how awesome you are). I wrote out a "bucket list" of things I wanr to do and things I have done and things I want, but don't think I can do (maybe I'll find a way to get them back on the to do side). I've started crossing things off and it feels great. Even little things, like trying new foods or helping others, can give you a boost.
Smile, it's sexy. (Thanks to Coach Chuck). Take some time for you - go tan, get hair or nails done, etc. Buy new jeans that make your butt look great. Simplify life - start dumping clutter and it is freeing. Be positive - did you hate the movie, but discover a new fav song? Get up, get out and do things. The hard thing will be getting him to do things with you vs using your absence to justify going to OW. More experienced people here can help you with that.
He's going to cheat on you with her until he realizes that he's cheating himself by missing out on his amazing wife. Find your inner glow, love yourself, and if he doesn't come back/leave her, you'll have a line of loving friends waiting for your time.
Oh - another thing Chuck/some other resources made me realize...what is she giving him that you aren't? I wasn't appreciating my H (he was being crappy to me, but I can't "change" him without changing how we interact, can I)?
Well, I started making small comments when he looked nice, I made sure to thank him and notice when he did things for us, I really listened when he talked. You're not pursuing him, but you are treating him "like a stranger". If some acquaintance or coworker took out the trash, made a great sale, brought you coffee, held a door, or had a nice new suit or haircut, you'd probably make some polite, nice comment...makes them more likely to reciprocate.
That helped me to be positive, because it just improved the mood when he was around without me being weak or clingy or insanely mad/jealous.
Thanks AJM80....I really mean it.
Seems so strange to reach out to strangers for advice and to get these wonderful little lifelines is just so amazing. I'm in a state of depression. I don't want to be around anyone, or socialize, or see my parents, visit with my girlfriends, much less email them or keep in touch. I'm awake most of every night, and exhausted and so sad during the day. Hard to function. Will try to get to the gym today or go for a beach walk. Always a good mood lifter.
I'm trying though. And my goal today is to smile! Thanks for that little nugget.
A great passage in the book "Your Best Life Now" talks about Forgiving to be Free. If you want to be happy, if you want to be free, get the negativity out of your life. Quit holding on to it; let it go. Don't let the root of bitterness continue to poison your life"
I like that thought....just need to work on how to get there. I know that this A may have less to do with me and probably more to do with H and how he feels about himself. Doesn't make it any easier! I'm tiring of the big elephant in the room!
Well just saw H off to work. This is how pathetic I am. I know he has another cell phone (somewhere). I saw in his car this a.m. that the cell phone charger for that phone was plugged in. I asked him to borrow something out of the truck, followed him out there like a puppy, watched him open up the console (didn't see other cell phone). But the charger is there. Borrowed what I asked for and then took off for a walk. As I was returning from walk, H passed me on the road, stopped, rolled down the window (I was crying, listening to my ipod). I kind of brushed it off, and he asked if anything was going on tonight, I said no nothing. We went on our merry ways.
In my delusional mind, I really thought he would get rid of phone, break up with OW after two weeks ago when he saw how I reacted to his idiotic lie (the one about calling me from a strange number and leaving message for OW). But no, he still has the other cell phone charger, plugged in in his truck.
Last week he was very loving, this week he has been rather standoffish. I am sick to my stomach. If I confront without absolute hard eveidence, he is going to deny (like he has done over the last couple of years when this came up). I am trying so hard to be strong and not needy. I feel like I'm living a lie. I keep teling myself I'm not going to be the one to initiate sex (but did again this a.m.) Did go to gym yesterday and burned off a lot of stress. Nowhere to go and so hurt.
Abbey,
If you are convinced that he is having an affair (and I agree with you that the odds are very good that he is, based upon his behavior), why are you still having sex with him?
I hope you are at least having him use protection. I'm sorry to be so blunt and personal, but this is really no different advice than your doctor would give you. Please be careful!
Starsky
Hi again,
I think I need to get help. I can't stop thinking about the lies and the cheating. I feel like if I confront H will for sure bail. Maybe that's a good thing? I really don't know how I feel about that. Scared mostly.
I found an alternate email address of his today. Wow. I tried to reset the pw even. Notification of that little misstep is now going to some other email address....I checked and it is none of the addreses we have here in the house (that I know of anyway). So hello! Another idiot move.
I think I need some mind numbing meds. Seriously.
How do you all cope?
This man is supposed to be my rock, my future, my most trusted person on the planet. I feel so lost...and can't talk to anyone.
No mind numbing meds needed - just a game plan.
He calls you instead of OW by accident from his secret cell phone. He has an alternate email addie (just wondering, how on earth did you find this?)
He's not wearing his ring.
So - right now his behavior is not appropriate for a married man.
The question is, what do YOU want to do with this information?
Options include:
1) Confront - knowing this may push him out the door, but would relieve you from the agony of living with this uncertainty. You may want to consult an attorney first, get a good handle on your financial rights, before you do this. You also might want to find some way to squirrel away a little emergency fund.
2) Act As If - pretend you don't know in order to focus on winning him back by being so fun and fresh that you are way more appealing than the OW (who is probably nagging him by now, why hasn't HE left HIS marriage yet???)
3) Boot him. Just kick him out. Tell him you don't deserve to be treated this way and you are done.
All approaches have their plusses and minuses, only you can decide what's right for your sitch.
Abbey - can you afford the phone counselling sessions? Those could really help you to get a plan in place to deal with this. Don't expose yourself to potential stds. Don't snoop - what is that going to accomplish? Unless you are trying to get documentation to use in a divorce proceeding, you're only going to make yourself nuts. He has a secret cell phone, he's probably hooked on this woman like she's a drug right now. He knows you probably know, the more certain he is that you know, the more tense things will be as he waits for the other shoe to drop and a big fight to start. You'll have to decide what to do, if you know and he knows you know (which at some point on the path you are on, he will), he may start making moves and you may lose the chance to decide what comes next. Good luck!
AJM80..
Thank you so much for advice about counseling sessions. I did actually purchase a few via this site 2 yrs ago and worked with Jodie. She was great.
Thank you so much for advice NOT to snoop. I was not doing that until he called me from the secret phone. That was when my "Superwoman" intuition vibes kicked in.
Folks on this board talk about stds. I almost feel like saying...Awwww...come on! Wasn't that just a college age thing?
I know I am being naive.
I think you are right. I think he is hooked on this OW (not that cute by the way) and is waiting for the shoe to drop.
I am not trying to play games at all.......I hate games.
So, in the end AJM80, thank you. I get it. I need to make a plan for my life and stick to it.
I have been DB'g for the last 2 years and do believe in it. That's why I'm still here. But this morning....I woke up and decided that I deserve better than this. I don't want to become trapped in the past. We all deserve to be happy and that is our choice!
Thank you so much friends...xoxo abbey
hi KML...thank you...
alternate email found on spokeo. could be an old email address or not! not sure.
Thank you for your advice.
Option 1) confront but be prepared (financially and also with legal counsel). Agreed. I think I need to do this.
Option 2) Act As If: Well...Have been doing this for the last 18 months or so (prior to hearing his voice mail message to OW left by accident on my cell phone). I have to laugh about the possibility of OW nagging him. That thought makes me LOL!
Honestly, I do not nag H. The yard is what it is. The house is what it is. Everywhere you look there is a bit of TLC needed...but I am not nagging. Honestly...I can and do and will do it all myself.
Option 3) Boot him just kick him out! Wow...I can't even comprehend that yet but you never know.
Thank you KML. I so appreciate your reply.
The sun is out in SoCal. Cold but beautiful....at home and H is out riding his groovy BMW motorcycle. He said he wouldn't be long and that was 2 1/2 hrs ago. Long enough for a shag with OW for sure. UGH!!!!!!!!
Yesterday was rough. H got up and went to the gym and then came home and left on his motorcycle for 4 hrs. He didn't answer his phone when I tried to call a couple of times as it got closer to the time we were to be at a friend's house to watch the Oscars. By that point I was getting pretty mad. He said he wouldn't be gone long but he was. I left after calling him to go get some appetizers at a restaurant for the Oscar party we were going to.
Then he called and I didn't answer. On purpose. He called a few other times and finally about 1/2 hr later, I did answer. He was furious that I didn't answer! I was trying to be mysterious and not always seem like I am at his beck and call especially after he decides to be gone most of Sunday. He compared this to me not answering a couple of Fridays ago when he called me and I was at the movie store and then said I would pick up dinner. I had left my phone in the car (by accident) and didn't realize that he had locked his keys in his car and he was wanting me to bring him a spare. He told my daughter that he was mad and he even said to her, "I get it...paybacks". That was so odd because I wasn't purposefully trying to miss his call.
I honestly know that I need to start working on me and stop worrying about what he is doing. I need to start living my life instead of worrying about where H is and who H is with.
I need to stop pursuing when he is here and just be pleasant and not mopey. I am having a hard time of that lately. I need to renew insterest in my hobbies and I need to GAL. If H doesn't want to work on our house on the weekends, I'll do it myself. So that is my plan. I hope it will keep me busy enough to stop obsessing about things that I can not control.
If anyone has any suggestions about getting out there and taking action to overcome obsessive thoughts and depression in general, please let me know. Thanks for listening.
When i was in a sitch somewhat similar to yours, what worked for me was focusing on a big project outside of the marriage. In my case, it was training to climb Mt. Whitney. It gave me an outlet for my energies, and something to think about that was unrelated to the marriage. It was a departure for me to tackle such a big challenge (and at the time, it actually drew my husband back to me).
Years later, when he left (we are now divorced but had several good years in between) I started playing the drums in an adult rock band class (think School of Rock for grownups). I've been playing for two years now and it is still a wonderful place to put my focus away from my day to day worries.
Think of something you have always wanted to do or learn to do, maybe something you held back from out of fear or because your husband was a restricting factor. Then do it!
Thank you KML! Actually a friend of mine and I had talked about climbing Mt. Whitney this summer.
I think your comment about doing something that I've always wanted to do is great advice. I've been thinking about yoga or ocean kayaking.
Thanks for your support KML.
Headed to class at college where OW works. I was SO SUPER EXCITED to get back in to college to finish my degree (after 20 years!), and now when I go there it is just a constant reminder of the A and OW. Ugh.
Daughter was accepted to a few colleges today for the fall. I can't help but wonder if H is waiting for both kids to be out to leave. We haven't talked about it for two years, but another friend of mine who has kids the same age is now going through a divorce. Her H has a girlfriend and is even traveling to Hawaii with her this week (they're not even divorced yet). I think that is despicable. AMAZING the rationalizing that goes on in the mind of cheaters.
In the end....it is all about them isn't it? They rationalize that by keeping it a secret they are protecting us (the LBS) but in reality they are protecting their own backsides against the backlash of their children, family and friends.
"They rationalize that by keeping it a secret they are protecting us (the LBS) but in reality they are protecting their own backsides against the backlash of their children, family and friends."
Exactly. Liars THINK they are doing it to protect YOU, when in reality they are doing it to protect THEMSELVES from the fallout of their actions.
My ex left when our youngest was 17. In retrospect, I think perhaps he had been thinking about it for 2 or 3 years, I was just oblivious. I'm sure he thought he was doing the "right thing" by "toughing it out" until the kids were almost out of the house.
I'm sorry you have to be reminded of OW. Is it a large campus where you would never have to see her? If so, try to think of it as just being in the same city as her. Focus on your fellow students. Make new friends. And if that doesn't work, think about transferring somewhere else next semester if you can??
(P.S. congrats on going back to school! My mom went to college when I was in grade school - back in the 60's at a time when it was very unusual for a 30-something mother of four to be going to college!)
Hi KML,
I'm so sorry you had to go through what I am going through. I would not wish this on my worst enemy (except maybe OW) he he.
Yes the campus is HUGE, and honestly I have never met OW in person, but she was a former client of ours. I've seen pix of her on internet. From what I know, she is twice divorced, highly educated, super fit (marathon runner/personal trainer), author, photographer, the list goes on and on. Maybe that is sexy to H. Independence and life accomplishments. She is not even pretty. UGH.
But...what about a woman who put her own education on hold to work full time while supporting a husband who started his own business all while raising two children!! Not chopped liver.
Just ranting.
Every time H leaves to go somewhere on the weekends now, I think "He's going to be with OW". Probably in reality it is not every time he leaves the house but in my mind that's what is happening.
Anyway....today going to focus on being a good mom and great team member at work. Going shopping this afternoon for a smoking hot dress and then for a beach walk at sunset (by myself). It is healing!
Thank you all for listening. Have an awesome day!
Hi,
Is there any point in trying to rationalize H's behavior? Knowing that he has flat out LIED to me? Hard to go on pretending. I long for the days when I could tell H anything and everything I was thinking.
Now I just worry if I bring up OW he will clam up or get angry (although he isn't the yelling screaming type, he just ignores me and won't speak).
What an existence this is. Honestly, I am fairly certain this is not the first time he has had an A. When I was pregnant with my daughter, I am pretty certain he was carrying on with a gal who used to cut his hair.....and then while we were building our home 10 years ago......I think he may have had an A with a friend of mine. I started getting hang up calls all of the time. I suspected her because I had invited her over for dinner once our house was completed (she was/is single) and all of a sudden I noticed that they had disappeared. I walked outside and saw them walking down the hill hand in hand. H said he wanted to show her the view of our house from top of hill. RIGHT! That woman and I were pretty darn close. I just stopped calling her and she stopped calling me. OBVIOUS!
And now this.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I still have hope that the man I married has a conscience and that his heart will find his way back to me and our life together.
I know I may be delusional. As of right now....we are the most EXCELLENT roommates. We never fight, we enjoy some of the same passtimes, we love to be with all of our couple friends. We vacation as families. All in all....pretty nice life.
Except for the lying and cheating with the skanky divorcee home wrecker. UGH!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for listening.
Oh....and another thing....
Seeing that this has probably happened before, why do you think it is that neither of the previous OW have ever tried to tell me? You know...get back at him? Confirm my suspicions?
He must be selling them some bill of goods. I feel like I am sleeping with a stranger sometimes.
Hi - just popped on for a second and wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. Worries me that you think you have a serial cheater on your hands. I feel sometimes like I really get what we're supposed to be doing, but often I also feel new at this and lost.
I don't think you need to excuse or rationalize his behavior - more look at yourself and who you are and how you interact with him. Going to school is awesome - that's being the best you that you can be. Maybe where rationalizing comes in is saying, forget that OW making me feel uncomfortable on campus - he's my H, he's killing time with her because he isn't seeing how great I am...even though he thinks she's great/may be hooked on her, he's still coming home to me. Too bad she's buying whatever his story is, I know better and can change my situation.
I think some OW probably feel shame - I don't think most women mean to help a man cheat on his wife. And maybe he didn't take things to a PA with those women.
Who knows...now, what are you going to do this weekend? Movie, hike, manicure, study group with hot 22 year olds, concert?
"study group with hot 22 year olds"
Lol!!! I like that one!
Hi AJM80,
I know....I am fumbling around too. A good day here and there (today is great by the way).
This weekend I planted a new succulent garden. It is really beautiful and tropical looking. I love pretty things so it makes me happy. H left for "work" so I'm going to go layout by the pool...something I never do but no one is home so why not? Also H and I are headed to a play downtown this evening (it is actually a school assignment!). I'm going to wear my new smokin' hot dress (he he). He probably won't even notice though. Oh well!
Studying with hot 22 year olds should really make it's way into my schedule. Seriously!
A think a dirty martini out by the pool sounds great right about NOW!
So today....
Was up literally ALL of last night. Tossing and turning. Tried cooling off and sat outside for awhile, walked aimlessly around the house in the dark. Once the sun started to come up, I took a 2 mile walk.
H asked if I got any sleep and I told him maybe 1/2 hr is all. He asked why did I think I couldn't sleep and I told him my stomach was upset (not a lie). Anyway, he did tell me he hopes I feel better.
I have a test tonight in class and haven't even studied. I know I need to turn this around and get with it but I have no interest in anything. ANYTHING. I need to get with it and pay bills....housework...all of it. It is all so overwhelming right now.
I know I need to put my "big girl panties on" and snap out of this, but i'm fading. I feel like a shell of who I thought I was. The happy perky nice gal who once adored her H and life.
I guess a mini goal today will be to put one foot in front of the other. Maybe eat something and maybe smile.
Abbey,
I visit the boards once in a while. I was on here for a while fighting for my marriage, but it was not meant to be. I was the needy wife who let him get away too much. I should have followed LRT. Who knows, things may have turned out differently.
Reading your situation makes me so sad. Your husband is having his cake and eating it too. My husband cheated on me and moved out. I let him cake eat badly because I was so afraid it would push him a way further.
Now, I believe if I had been stronger and made him accountable things may have been different.
A book that I suggest that you get is James Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough". If you will look on Amazon.com, many people say that this book goes hand in in hand with "Divorce Remedy".
Please do not let him walk all over you. You are a wonderful person and deserve so much more. Believe in yourself and he will soon see the strong Abbey and believe in you also. The needy Abbey is not attractive to him right now.
Hugs, Yoyo
And get some sleep! It may be that you are coming into menopause. One symptom is the inability to sleep. I struggled with it for a while until I started taking benedryl at night to help me relax. On difficult nights I take both benedryl and melatonin. I know all this stuff is depressing, but you can't handle any of it if you don't get your sleep.
Abbey,
Your husband is having his cake and eating it too. My husband cheated on me and moved out. I let him cake eat badly because I was so afraid it would push him a way further.
You are right! Two years ago when my H told me that one of his issues was that I never initiated sex, I thought my 180 would be to initiate more. So....have been doing that. So, yes, he does have his cake and eat it too. I don't quite know how to resolve that one. I too feel that if I don't, it will push him even closer to OW to satisfy those needs.
Thanks for the book recommendation. Will definitely read it.
Had a nice weekend w H up visiting son in college. Yesterday morning we took a beautiful hike in Montecito. Amazing city/ocean views. We talked and enjoyed each other's company. Very casual.
Now back to reality. Going to try to get caught up on my school work today. It has been so hard to focus.
Thanks for listening...
Thank you Lotus.
Maybe you are right, but I typically have no problem sleeping...just when there is turmoil in my life. Tylenol PM has been a godsend!
Today is a beautiful day and I am thankful to be alive and kicking. Going to tackle the day.......
Abbey,
Your husband is having his cake and eating it too. My husband cheated on me and moved out. I let him cake eat badly because I was so afraid it would push him a way further.
You are right! Two years ago when my H told me that one of his issues was that I never initiated sex, I thought my 180 would be to initiate more. So....have been doing that. So, yes, he does have his cake and eat it too. I don't quite know how to resolve that one. I too feel that if I don't, it will push him even closer to OW to satisfy those needs.
You are playing with fire, Abbey -- literally, with your health. I'm not going to judge you for continuing to ML with a cheating spouse -- reaasonable people can (and do) disagree about that whole topic.
But FOR GOD'S SAKE, USE PROTECTION!!!
It's not worth it.
Puppy
Abbey,
Your husband is having his cake and eating it too. My husband cheated on me and moved out. I let him cake eat badly because I was so afraid it would push him a way further.
You are right! Two years ago when my H told me that one of his issues was that I never initiated sex, I thought my 180 would be to initiate more. So....have been doing that. So, yes, he does have his cake and eat it too. I don't quite know how to resolve that one. I too feel that if I don't, it will push him even closer to OW to satisfy those needs.
Sorry, got cut off for some reason and couldn't edit. Puppy used to put up stats about people catching STDs (and worse) -- I'll look for the link and post it if I can find it. It's way more prevalent among cheating spouses and OPs than even in the general population.
Starsky
Thank you Starsky. I remember "Puppy" from a couple of years ago. I do....really do...appreciate your advice. Honestly, for me this is not about the sex. It is about preserving my marriage and family.
Sex is great and all...don't get me wrong...but I like it better when it happens "organically" rather than me feeling like I have to do this or that to serve a bigger purpose such as saving M.
Somehow takes the fun out of it! Will take advice about protection when/if we need to to. Thanks...
These last couple of days, I have been focusing on being a good friend to H, a good mother to my kids and kind soul to myself.
I guess H can't use the non-initiating sex thing as an excuse anymore. He could still accuse me of not trusting....but that was earned. We still haven't talked about anything having to do with relationship however we have plans to go to concerts, go on vacation this summer, etc... doesn't sound like he plans to leave anytime soon. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm going to try not to snoop because as others have said on this board, it will and does only make ME feel bad when I turn something up.
Thanks for listening...... (I guess I'm pretty much like most on these boards who have no one to talk to about this stuff). I would never talk to my family, kids or friends about what has been going on. Just kind of suffer in silence.
But then again....when I think about snooping....isn't knowledge power? I hate being in the dark! I am so accustomed to being the captain of my own ship so to speak. The not knowing H's next move makes me crazy. I feel like it is a game of chess.
I certainly have made it "easy" for him. I don't question him often about his day, where he has been, etc... I think that was one of the DB rules. Truthfully, I have caught him lying but have just let it slide on a couple of occasions. Trying to keep the peace. Trying to the be the one he wants to come home to. Not the nagging wife who gives him a hard time. But I feel like being that person sometimes!
I know he loves me, but probably (most likely) isn't "in love with me" anymore. But honestly...how long does the "in love" feeling really ever last? I am just too familiar. I think that is it. There is no mystery. He knows my every move from morning til night.
I put on a new dress this a.m. and H said I looked nice. Wow...rare for him. Made me feel good anyway.
Strange, we received a hang-up call on our home line at 2:30am. I hate those middle of the night calls, always worried it is one of our parents or my son. I checked callerid and it was a *private call* Maybe OW? I wonder. H answered and whoever it was just hung up.
Received an email from my friend who is going through a painful divorce. For them...it is definitely OVER. She has bought a new condo and is moving at the end of the month. She has even started dating again...at 51! So I guess there is always hope that a life "alone"...if my sitch turns out that way....doesn't necessarily mean I'll be lonely forever.
Thanks for listening.....
Abbey,
Please get the book I suggested to you. Living in limbo can be the hardest thing. Only you can decide what to do. I held on way too long, but I will never feel like I didn't try. Sometimes marriages succeed and sometimes they don't, but only you can decide what is best for you. Both partners have to be willing to work on it.
My story first began in Oct. 2006 when H left after 20 years of marriage and two teenaged daughters. I was not aware at first, but found out he was having an affair with his secretary who left her husband. H filed for divorce June 2007. Everytime I would withdraw from him, he would pursue me. I would get comfortable and fall back into the old patterns again. In 2008, he called off the divorce saying that we could work it out. Keep in mind he never moved back into our house.
Finally, I decided I could not put up with his cake eating anymore. I made up my mind I would divorce him. It was my daughter's senior year and I wanted to devote my energy to her. I just avoided him. I filed for divorce when she graduated in 2009. We had a business. It was a lengthy divorce figuring out the settlement. It was final June 2010.
Yes, I mourned the death of my marriage. I mourned that my daughters would have divorced parents. Once I made up my mind that he was not going to give up the affair, I got stronger day by day.
I dated casually for a while. It was nice knowing that at the age of 47 I still had it...lol. I am now dating a friend from college. We reconnected on facebook. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. It is so nice to know that he loves me for me and I don't have to compete for his attention. We have been together for 6 months now. He is a true gentleman. It is never too late to find love!
I am not by any means trying to tell you to end your marriage. I believe in marriage and had hoped it would be forever. I just want you to know that no matter what you decide, you are going to be okay. In the meantime work on being the self assured, strong Abbey.
Hugs, Yoyo
Thanks Yoyo...
Wow, our situations sound VERY similar. Especially with the shared business and all.
I am so happy to hear that you are happy. You deserve it! We all do don't we?
I need to pursue what makes me happy just like H has I suppose. OW let him borrow a really lame movie "Stranger Than Fiction" and what he got out of that is the quote "Live the Life You've Always Imagined". Too bad he didn't realize that it was Henry David Thoreau who actually penned that. Ha Ha. He brings that quote up often to our kids and I almost want to gag.
I guess the life HE always imagined includes lying and cheating on his wife and family. Ugh!
He is supposed to make dinner tonight (shop and cook...the whole enchilada!) while I work in our office getting some client billing out. In the past, I would do it all...make dinner, dishes AND work in the office. Kind of an interesting offer for him to shop and cook.
I'm headed to happy hour with a girlfriend. Cadillac Margarita sounds good...Should be fun.
Thanks for listening...
Happy hour with girlfriend started out great....until I had one too many glasses of chardonnay. Ended up spilling the beans to her. Cried like a baby. UGH! Can't take it back...and I hope she doesn't tell everyone.
Better stick with coffee.
BTW...when husband left for work this a.m., he kissed me and said "I LOVE YOU". The last time he said that first was on our anniversary 2 1/2 years ago.
Yesterday H declared he was going on a bike ride (even though it was starting to rain). He never just leaves from our house....NO!....he drives somewhere. He said..I won't be long. Let's do something in the afternoon! Well darn it, I wasn't going to plan it. He left around 7:30 and called me around 12:30. TYPICAL.
Anyway...."Lance" er....H....went on his "bike ride". I know he lied about the bike ride now because this a.m. he left on a motorcycle ride with our friend, so I snooped (I know! I shouldn't!) in his truck. Didn't find the other cell phone (which I'm sure he stealthfully retrieved from vehicle last night and put in motorcycle. But his bikeriding clothes were still in the car and are still smelling fresh as a DAISY! Even the socks. So his bike riding LIE is obvious.
I AM SO SICK OF THIS. HOW CAN HE FULL ON LIE TO MY FACE? TIME AFTER TIME?
I am so distressed. We are supposed to meet our friend for her birthday breakfast at 10 this a.m. and H is out on a motor tour. He says will meet us. We'll see. He'll be LATE as usual.
I deserve better.
In my other thread...I posted that I blew it the other day when I had happy hour with my girlfriend and spilled the beans over a couple of glasses of chardonnay. I FELT SO BAD that I did that. But now not so much. Why should I continue to cover for his indiscretions? Everyone thinks my H is all that.
He is creative, smart, artsy, "nice", handsome, blah blah blah. If they only new! I grieve for what we had. For two years I have tried to live up to some expectation and "Act as If". Gave him his space. He knows I am so nice and unconfrontational that he uses that to play me (I feel).
I really don't think I'm paranoid about this but I feel I need some answers.
Anyway...I feel like I am turning a corner? D17 committed to college yesterday (up in No Cal). Only a matter of time before it is just H and me in our home.
This *ucks.
Abbey - Keep the key premise of this all in mind - you are acting/making decisions with solutions in mind. What is the end result that you want to accomplish? It may not always be preserving your marriage, but it should be becoming a happy, healthy version of yourself. You told a friend, don't second guess it or trying to justify it based on his behaviors now - beating yourself up or beating him up doesn't change that she knows. You needed someone to talk to and lean on. That's what friends are for. I wouldn't spread it too much - I wish I could untell about 10 people
Look at the small things happening...I think, from my limited view of situation, your H is seeing some changes and is acting differently. Don't rush the situation or escalate things. He's not going to go cold turkey from her. If you need a story to help you get through it, play best case/worst case and have a good laugh. For example -
Best case, the hang up was the OW...H has been getting distant lately and she's freaking out/getting clingy (and driving him away). He caved under her pressure and neediness and went back to her, but he's started to realize he wants to be with you and not her. The new you is fab and he's afraid he's loosing you to someone else, since you're prettier and busier lately.
Worst case, the new you has attracted a crazy stalker. He's an Italian exchange student at the local high school who is in your daughter's class and not comfortable with his English yet (plus he knows his love for you is wrong). Your H is still with the other woman, who just happens to be the host mother to your secret admirer. If things keep going down this road, we're going to see it unfold on the 5 o'clock news when Rudolpho and your H get into a brawl on the OW's front lawn.
Give yourself a shake, laugh, then go on to the next thing you have to do. It can really help.
Also, one thought- can you look at no kids in the house as an adventure and try to be positive about it? Sounds like you raised some great kids and should be giving yourself a pat on the back. Now what? Can you travel? Learn something you always wanted? I still think you going back to school is great - keep embracing life. With or without your husband, there will be love and fun in your life.
Look at the small things happening...I think, from my limited view of situation, your H is seeing some changes and is acting differently. Don't rush the situation or escalate things. He's not going to go cold turkey from her.
I do agree....I guess time will tell. Actions speak louder than words don't they? You are right about not going cold turkey. NOW THAT WOULD MAKE ME LAUGH thinking of OW if he did! Would serve her sorry rear right! he he.
I love your ideas about best case/worse case scenarios. It does help put everything in perspective doesn't it? D17 last night at dinner said "what are you guys going to do without me?" I just piped in that dad and I have been waiting until she leaves for college to go skydiving, bungie jumping, race car driving, etc... we all laughed.
H and I got up very early this a.m. and went to the gym. After we sat in the sauna and H had me listen to his ipod...he picked out the song "A Song for You" by Leon Russell. Wow! Listen to it sometime.
Some of you might be very proud of me that I have been keeping my hands to myself and not initiating any fooling around. When I talked with the DB coach yesterday she told me to to "drop the rope"....stop steering the R. She talked about being "attractive" in other ways (non-sexual). Things that can draw H back. Her advice to me is to let the "dust settle". Like it!
It made me realize that I have been having a big tug-of-war with myself. I am almost back to where I was two years ago when I just convinced myself that I can't change H's behavior. Need to focus on me and our children.
H drove D17 to train station. She is visiting brother for a few days...will just be the two of us in the house until Sunday. Maybe a picture of things to come in the fall when she leaves for college.
Song for the day "The Story" by Brandi Carlisle
Please, please go skydiving or something crazy while she is gone (with or without H)
or rent a convertible to drive for the weekend as your "racecar" for now!
And, if things keep going well, Leon Russell is going to be playing CA dates in April/May. Good meaning in the song - there's a version on Youtube with Willie Nelson, Leon, and Ray Charles.
Now would be a great time to write/revise that "Bucket List" of things you want to do - it sounds like you have an awesome, fun energy and the more you can keep that going the better. It'll flip back on you sometimes and you'll be down, sorry to say, BUT it comes back again more and more of the time.
This might make you laugh - my FIL LOVES Leon Russell. I texted H to ask if I was right about that, since a "new friend had recommended a song by him to me" Ahhhh, intentionally vague to make him wonder what I am up to and who I am meeting.
AJ,
You are so funny....keep being mysterious! Will check out the Leon concert schedule!
Last night when my H fell asleep after dinner at 7:00pm (seriously!) and blew off the movie we were going out to see, I sat by the fire in the living room listening to music, goofing around around on my Ipad. He walked in an hour or so later and asked what I was doing? I said oh just updating my Netflix queue.
He went back to bed and then later when we were both in bed he again asked so what was I doing on the Ipad? ha ha. Seriously was not lying about updating my Netflix queue and also told him I was checking out some groovy hotels in NoCal for when we take D17 up to college. (Again all true).
Just thought it was funny that he would ask?
So tonight, we are off to a concert in Solana Beach. Can't wait!
Until then....off to work.
Song for the day: "True to Myself" Ziggy Marley (BLAST IT!)
Last night was the concert. We had a fun yet "disconnected" time. We spent most of the concert apart. I sat with friends for awhile and H stood most of the show. I later stood near the back and he finally "found me" just when the concert was wrapping up. STILL, it was a fun night. I learned that I didn't need H by my side to enjoy myself.
Tonight, some friends will come over to play some cards. Will be fun to see them.
I did blow it this a.m. and told H that we should fool around tonight since kids are our of town. IDIOT! He said yeah...that will be great. I need to stop it. JUST STOP IT! he he. Just really craving some attention.
Song for the day: "Better Days" Goo Goo Dolls
S20 came home for the weekend. It looks as though he and his GF of 3 yrs may be breaking up. He is so much like me sometimes it is scary.
I gave him my advice that if his GF will not be honest with him, then he needs to take steps to make himself happy....even if that means cutting the cord. I asked H to talk to S20, and while he thought it was pointless (we've both had countless conversations with S20 about GF), he gave it another try. H and I talked about it this a.m. I told him that I thought it was wrong that GF is not being honest with S. That if she has someone else she should be honest and tell him. H completely disagreed and said it is up for our S to make his own decisions, and that he and he alone is responsible for his own happiness. He disagreed that son's GF should fess up to anything.
He said that we've all been on both side of the fence and it isn't easy either way.
Got me thinking that yes, I get the whole "being responsible for our own happiness", but it seems innately WRONG to be dishonest with someone who has been your partner for so long. Maybe we have different morals/values? I of course was applying his logic to our situation (which of course we haven't talked about) and all I can see is selfishness. Making yourself happy at the expense of anyone else. Hm-m-m-m. Need to ponder some more.
We are taking the train north tonight with some friends for dinner/music out. Should be fun.
Song for the day: "Feeling Alright" Huey Lewis version.
Abbey,
Did you guys ML last nite?
Starsky
Well the weekend was interesting. H and I spent most of the weekend together (he didn't disappear at all yesterday) which was surprising. We actually unexpectedly had to pick up daughter at Union station in LA because Amtrak was working on the tracks between Orange County and San Diego. It turned into an unexpectedly fun little outing. We checked out the architecture of Union Station and enjoyed people watching (wow what a place to people watch). Then walked over to historic Olvera Street and later had lunch at Philippe's (famous cafe that his been in existence for over 100 years. Very fun. Later H helped me cook dinner and we enjoyed a great meal with our kids.
I was very happy to hear that S20 will be spending the summer home with us. I sure miss him when he is away at school.
All in all...very nice weekend. Busy but it seemed very relaxing and adventurous as well.
Still keeping my hands to myself. It has been well over a week with no sex. Like DB Coach suggested, I am trying to make myself more attractive in "other ways".
Song for the day: "Save Room" John Legend
Did you guys ML last nite?
NOPE! I am trying to be less pursuing so it has been over a week for us. I wonder if this is the right thing since one of his main issues with me two years ago was the not initiating thing. Oh well. If it happens it happens.
I am trying to focus on other ways of being "attractive" per my DB Coach. It does kind of hurt that he hasn't made any advances lately....the last time was great though. Out in backyard/jacuzzi in middle of night. Pretty fun actually. And before he left for work that day, he said he loved me (he said it first though) which is not his typical M.O. And we really don't say it that much.
So....nothing since then! But...I bought some great new lingerie...Some day it may come in handy.
Song for the evening: "Fix it" Ryan Adams & The Cardinals
Last night worked on homework. Has anyone ever read the play and watched the Dustin Hoffman version of Death of a Salesman? Wow...powerful.
I made dinner (helping to create more unity in the family environment per my DB coach) last night. D17 helped. H said it was gross. OMG! Last time I made it he loved it. What's that about? My two golden retrievers were lucky enough to get the leftover halibut. THEY LOVED IT!
Headed to work. Feeling good and not sure why?
Song for the day: "Wish I Didn't Know Now" Toby Keith
So DB Coach suggested working on getting other family members to help me around house/prepare dinner, etc...
I asked H to take the cooking dinner task for last night earlier in the week and he came through last night! I didn't have to call and remind him or anything. I hadn't talked to him at all throughout the day so I fully expected that when I came home from class that I would have to do it myself. Nice little surprise!
D17 is handling dinner tonight so I can work in our office. DB Coach was right. I don't need to do everything on my own. It is good for her to shop and cook. Basic life skills.
I did blow my ML plan...oops.
Off to work in a few....have a great day. It is supposed to be 80 degrees today. Maybe spring is finally here!
Song for the day: "Higher Ground" Stevie Wonder
I did blow my ML plan...oops.
You are human, Abbey. It's understandable. I hope you are using protection now though?
Starsky
Abbey,
How many times have you posted -- either here or on Newcomers -- some version of "Why does he DO this to me???!"
Here's a hint as to the answer: it's the same reason dogs lick themselves.
Seriously, he's going to do this again, and soon. How you handle it -- and to what extent you handle it DIFFERENTLY this time -- is going to be a defining moment in the rest of your life.
Starsky
Thanks Starsky...I know.
Yesterday had a great day. Woke up....H actually asked me if I wanted to go to San Clemente with him while he met with client. I said yes! I love that sometimes I don't have a plan for my day and that it could go in any direction. So of course I said YES! H thought client meeting would be maybe an hour. I knew better.
He dropped me off on the main street of downtown San Clemente around 9am. Super cute little town. Nothing much was open yet...but whoa...I found Cafe Mimosa. Out of this world breakfast spot and I had a lingonberry mimosa and read my book "The Art of Racing in the Rain" about an old dog (told from his point of view).....so Starsky...the dog licking themselves reference is well noted. Thank you.
Couldn't have planned a better morning alone. Then...H was still not done......so I walked down to Semper Fi Memorial Park overlooking the Pacific and read the plaques about our wonderful soldiers and their commitment to our country. Really put my troubles in perspective. They put their lives on the line EVERY DAY.
Later walked to Casa Romantica...the founder of San Clemente's historic Spanish Colonial home overlooking the ocean. Fantastic! $5 walking tour. Worth every penny. Lots of Caifornia history. This little expedition was all on my own. LOVED IT. Maybe a favorite day ever. Plus...I knew that H was actually meeting with client....not just telling me he was. Maybe that made it more peaceful. Don't know.
This a.m. H and I have been working on setting out the garden and then he made a list of things to "get" around 9:30 and he still isn't home. And like a bliming fool...I called a few times. H finally called at 1:00 but I was in the shower and haven't called him back. Side note...when he does call on the weekends after being gone for notable period of time...it is always on the hour like I am a job or something. He'll call at 1:00pm sharp....or 2:00pm sharp....you get the drift.
So that is the end of our weekend.....hope you are all well.
Song for the day: "It's Too Late" Carole King
Oh...and I got my Mt. Whitney hiking pass for July. Wooh hooh.
Other song for the day "6th Avenue Heartache" Wallflowers
A new day. School tonight. Finalized D17's college housing/meal plans yesterday. It really hit me hard that she is leaving in just a few short months.
I played hooky yesterday and it felt good. H asked me if I wanted to get coffee....went to S'bucks. Then came home and watched a movie for my class. Before H left for work, he set up the movie for me, got me a blanket and pillow, even made me a little breakfast snack. He was being super nice and attentive. Why? not sure. He acted a bit funny when he came home Sunday afternoon and was chewing gum. Maybe he had gone for drinks/lunch with OW before our guests arrived later in the day? Not sure. I think he could sense that I was irritated with him being gone so long when HE suggested that we have company over (folks we haven't socialized with in at least 5 years...) and also, he didn't answer his phone and then he said he went up to one of the jobsites to retrieve a tool for our backyard project that he ended up NOT bringing home. Am I an idiot? Probably! Struggling to take the high road.
So maybe that is what all of the niceness was yesterday. He even came home early from work and we cooked together. That was really nice.
Song for the Day: "I Shall Believe" Sheryl Crow
Song for the Day: "What a Fool Believes," by the Doobie Brothers
He's playing you.
Starsky
Don't do it...it will drive you insane even more. I played detective and now I let this 23 OW consume me. What you don't know want hurt you. Trust me...don't do it. I find myself driving by her house, I looked at her pictures on facebook and now I see her in my dreams.
Blew off school. Bad I know. Every time I even drive on the campus I get this really awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. Sometimes I have this fantasy about confronting OW (we've never met). My more rational mind always wins.
It is not that my H treats me poorly when he is around me...He has actually been very nice. It is what he does when he's not around that is so troublesome. Or at least what I perceive he is doing.
Just feel like I'm plodding along with nothing really to look forward to. I feel like I'm in constant defense mode.
Sad and weepy and bummed that my mind keeps going back to all of the little details and the lies. Having a hard time today.
Back to work.....
Your GAL is making him reacvt. If you say yes all the time and blow off school and slide back into old patterns......SO will HE
You're at another hard part - staying strong
Song for the Day: "What a Fool Believes," by the Doobie Brothers
He's playing you.
Starsky
Probably....yes....not sure what I should or shouldn't be doing to make this all work. I have seen some definite change in H's behavior...but then again...he still has unexplained absences like before. Just yesterday when he left for work, he told me he loves me....3 times in the last month. Not usual for him to say, epecially in the last two years.
In my experience, confronting him with no hard evidence does no good. He just lies.
I'm trying to work on some of the things that the DB coach suggested. I know I'm boring all of you with this...sorry....
Song for the day: "Maybe" Ingrid Michaelson
you are not - you're seeing results and doing great things. Confrontation also didn't really work in my experience - but everytime he choses you over her and says I love is a shovel full of dirt in the grave of the side stuff he has going on.
. You just have to get her good and buried first. (I do not condone or suggest literal murder!)
you are not - you're seeing results and doing great things. Confrontation also didn't really work in my experience -
AJM,
I thought I'd followed your sitch from the start, even tho I rarely post to you (I'm on "full moderation," so by the time my posts show up, they're usually several pages upthread and don't get seen, so I usually don't bother), but I'm not recalling this. In fact, I just went back and read your first few pages of posts, and you said you were "being nice to him," he'd come and go as he pleased, even going up into your bedroom and stuff.
If I missed it, I apologize.
Starsky
Thanks AJM
So it is a beautiful Saturday a.m. Wish I could be outdoors hiking but have our tax appt. this afternoon. ugh! Every year I vow not to get behind on paperwork and every year I am scrambling at the last minute to get everything together. The last two months haven't helped!
H just left for the gym and to get the stuff that he was supposed to get for our garden posts last weekend when he "disappeared". So we'll see if he comes back with the cement this time! Of course my mind thinks other things will be going on........then I started to get all bummed again........and wouldn't you know it...he came back home with my favorite Starbucks drink. Now I feel like a JERK for thinking the things I was thinking before!
But wait...H just called and now he is at the "gym"......the one near where the OW lives, he can play basketball there. He said he gets bored with the machines at our gym, blah blah blah. Then he said he is going to do some "running around"...so I predict I will not see him until noonish. We'll see. He did set up an outing for us this afternoon with friends for a beach walk and happy hour. I think it somehow makes him feel better when he plans a little something for us on the afternoons when he is gone in the mornings. Maybe it eases his guilt. Whatever.
Last night we watched the TV show "Men of a Certain Age". It is really a great show. I rented the whole first season on Netflix. Thankfully H had fallen asleep during the part about one of the character's cheating soon to be XW and then it came out that he had actually had an EA prior to her PA. That would have been very awkward to watch together! Whew!
Song for the Day "How We Operate" Gomez
Well I was right. 12:20pm and no sign of H. Oh...but he did return a call regarding taxes and seemed annoyed that I wasn't doing something HIS way. Well it sure would have been nice to "go to the gym" for 4 hrs. Seriously!
I just cancelled my tax appt. I am in no way ready (my quickbooks program has decided to act up today).
Taking a walk. This bites.
Why DON'T you start going to the gym for four hours?
I'm serious - ever wonder what would happen if yoiu started mirroring his behavior? If he goes out - you go out too and be gone longer. Come home after him. Let him start to wonder and worry a little bit about where you are.
Go to the grocery store and come home late - without groceries. lol!
Hi Starsky - just a response on your note - when I discovered affair, in Sept, through when I started really started posting in Jan we had some confrontations. He'd lie to me or avoid answering. He was still seeing OW off and on. EA was discovered, he called landlady to break lease, he moved out, told me he wanted D, ignored kids...we had all kinds of fun. he either reacts irrationally, goes to a shutdown mode, or got mean to push me away.
Hi,
H and I had a finance talk on Monday a.m. before work. He thinks I am not handling things properly (probably right). I have been a mess since early February.
Need to get it together.
Then later Monday a.m. he texted me that we will work it out (finances I think?) and that everything will be ok. I texted back that I'll try to be more organized and he responded that he knows I will do great and what can he do to help? Those are the moments when I think....YES....I did marry a pretty nice, rational guy.
Then today...
he took my car (his car in shop) and I called around 1:30ish to say hi, see how day was going...didn't answer. No big deal...
He finally called around 3:30pm..missed the call.
BUT...when we did talk around 4:30pm, he said oh yeah....I called you around lunch time (uh...no...didn't get a call on my cell) and I tried at home too (uh....checked callerid when I got home and there were no calls received on the home number since this a.m. from my friend). SO HELLO!
Then...I checked our cell phone account online....no activity on his phone from 11:30 to 3:30 when he called. F him. Just saying.
LIES LIES LIES.
Still working on tax stuff for my meeting with accountant tomorrow. I hope you all are having a much better day than me!
Song for the day: "God Says Nothing Back" Wallflowers
Why DON'T you start going to the gym for four hours?
I'm serious - ever wonder what would happen if yoiu started mirroring his behavior? If he goes out - you go out too and be gone longer. Come home after him. Let him start to wonder and worry a little bit about where you are.
Go to the grocery store and come home late - without groceries. lol!
I have done that and I am not a good liar....always come clean about where I've been! Need to work on that skill perhaps.
Hi Starsky - just a response on your note - when I discovered affair, in Sept, through when I started really started posting in Jan we had some confrontations. He'd lie to me or avoid answering. He was still seeing OW off and on. EA was discovered, he called landlady to break lease, he moved out, told me he wanted D, ignored kids...we had all kinds of fun. he either reacts irrationally, goes to a shutdown mode, or got mean to push me away.
AJM.....you are one special gal. Hugs to you friend!!! You have been through so much. xoxo
Thanks Abbey - I love you and I'm going to yell at you anyway! Did it help you to check phone bill and caller id? Try to either not care or look at the positive (somewhere in that brain he knew he should have or meant to call).
Babysteps on doing things like he is - maybe you do tell him where you are, but not who you are with? He tells you "where he is" - so don't discount going off and doing things, even ig you do spill the beans.
AJM...I KNOW I KNOW! I get crazy when I know in my heart he is lying and I have to check things to prove to myself that I AM NOT LOSING IT! he he.
For the last two years I pretty much swept all of those little "lies" or feelings about him lying under the carpet, for my own sanity. I was actually in a pretty good place but still knew....just knew...something was off.
So AJM...what is going on with you? I need to read your thread! Sorry to have been so selfish.
Starsky,
I really like your quote from Heaven Can Wait. GREAT MOVIE... In fact....a scene from that film has always stuck with me. Hap (Audrey Hepburn) walking through that beautiful field wearing all white. After taking my photo class last fall, I decided to gather my entire extended family for a photo up at out lake house. There is a beautiful field adjacent to my parent's home and the only thing that I asked of both young and old was to wear shades of white/off white. The pictures turned out amazing. That particular scene in the movie was my inspiration.
Oops....I just realized that the movie with the scene I referenced for my photos was "Always" NOT "Heaven Can Wait". In any case....I think I must really like that genre...you know...someone dies but has unfinished business? "Chances Are" "Ghost" have seen them all!
Sleep well my friends.
Taxes done and submitted! Whew...and we don't owe as much as I thought so I am relieved.
Now I can get back to GAL. Can resume hiking and training for Whitney! I think H is going on that trip but not positive. I plan to go either way (I think?). Part of me thinks well if he doesn't go....then he'll be with OW....but in reality...he is probably doing that a few days a week anyway so what is the difference?
OR....maybe he isn't? I don't know because we have not discussed the whole situation.
Have a great Friday all!
Song for the Day: "Brand New Day" Sting
Go, don't backslide. He'll love how amped up you are when you get back and so will you. Lay on a sunny rock on top of the mountain for me and bask in the joy of a life fully lived.
Hi,
Thank you...I will! I have a few dates coming up where I have to leave home overnight. I almost dread it. End of June, D17 needs to go to college orientation in NoCal. I told H we should go and make a weekend of it and he said "you should go....I've been there already". Then we talked this weekend about a camping trip (may turn out to be just us two) up to a coastal concert in May. We invited all of our friends but most of them have kids with proms, banquets, end of school year stuff. Could be just the two of us.
Weekend was pretty good. Watched "The Graduate" last night. Loved it and the soundtrack.
Hiked this morning with friends, made breakfast at a park and played frisbee.
H has been gone for 2+ hrs riding motorcycle. He is mixing up his game. Now not always gone in the mornings, but gone early evenings (for last few weekends).
Whatever!
Song for the day: "Forget You" CeeLo Green (I like the F** You version at the gym)
Funny....like I said before....H calls me ON THE HOUR when he has been gone. Just called at 7:00pm. "Sorry I was gone for so long...I never changed the clock on my motorcycle".
Right....
Feeling great today. Not sure why? H hasn't returned a call but I don't care.
Song for the day "Secret" Maroon 5
Abbey - Try not to be to worried about the trips out of town. He's sleeping with her, right? I know overnight is different - I wouldn't intentionally up my travel in your situation, but don't make a big deal out of it either.
He's liking being around you lately and will miss you more when you are gone, right? (I'd stay a bit awol, just send him some pics of you having an awesome time) She's going to slip up - the more time they spend together, the more likely it is that she'll be needy, put pressure on him, be annoying, take him for granted, become less exciting. Plus, if you want it to be over with her, he's going to have to be a big boy and keep it in his pants if you go out of town....might as well let him work on that now.
If you can, change something while you are gone so that you look different, more sparkly when you get back. Earrings or haircut (if you can squeeze on in) or put on makeup and a nice outfit to come back in. That car ride home or walk in the door is like a 1st date every time. He's (and you are) discovering who you are now.
Hi,
I did a stupid thing again. Something that only makes me feel bad. H and I went on a great 3 hour hike early yesterday morning. Then after, he mentioned that he wanted to go on a motorcycle ride. I said "that sounds like fun".
He actually dressed nicer than usual for a ride and was gone for about 3 hrs. ON EASTER. With our son home from college visiting.
This a.m. after he left, I checked the mileage on his motorcycle. He only went 31 miles. He told me he took a long ride through a canyon, blah blah blah. 31 miles is about there and back to where OW lives. I knew in my heart that is where he was going, and like a fool HAD to confirm it in my mind. Now I feel horrible. Again.
This has been going on for two plus years now. I don't know how much more I can take. I feel so disrespected and foolish. I am scared and not sure what to do! There are times when I see the H that married and we have a lot of fun together, and then there is THIS. And THIS is horrible.
Off to work...thanks for listening...
Abbey,
I'm sorry you are in such pain, but I'm not really sure how we can best help you. You know exactly what's going on -- your husband is playing you -- and yet you continue in the same endless loop of deceit and frustration and disrespect.
We like to think that we are complicated beings, but us humans really ARE path-of-least-resistance creatures. Your husband is doing what he is doing because he is weak, it feels good to him, and BECAUSE HE CAN. Until you muster up the will and the skill to remove yourself as his backup plan, you're destined for months and even years of this same heartbreak and deceit.
Is this really what you want?
Starsky
Seriously, what a shithead. Maybe he dressed up and went to church with her, that'd be nice, right? (Sarcasm)
Think about what you need and want, prepare financially and emotionally..I don't remember, are you going to ind counseling?
Abbey, bear with me, I've got a bit of a sharp edge today, but am not trying to escalate your frustration with the situation...here's Dave's top 10 ways to get back at them list to make you laugh.
1) Egg her house, hey..worked in junior high..
2-a) Put a women seeking men ad in craigslist with her number, name, and pic (through an anon computer of course)
2-b) Sign her up for prayers. I am sure there are groups happy to send her mail/call re the dangers of being a Jezebel
2-c) Sign her up to get loads of wedding and baby junk mail...that should freak H out.
3) Tell her mother that she's sneaking around with a married man (worked on the playground)
4) Tell your H that at your annual exam you tested positive for herpes
5) Hire a private investigator to prove the affair, in case you need it in a few months.
6) Get a prepaid cell phone and leave the charger out in the kitchen accidentally.
7) Order "CHEATRRRR" vanity plates for his car
8) Tape something on TLC or Bravo or Food TV over your wedding
video
9) Every time he leaves and you think it's for her, throw away 1 single sock.
10) Next time he heads over, trick him into taking some laxatives 1st....3 hours, right?
And the #1 way...
Sew the fly shut on all his underwear..when he mentions it, say "oh, I just thought that might help you KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS"
OMG....don't have too long but I saw OW while on the way to my class tonight. I walked by...saw her (she doesn't know me) and then I walked closer because she was on a cell phone call...(of course I think she is talking with MY husband) but then didn't know how to be inconspicuous...so walked on to class and sat outside watching. Just watching. I called H. He answered after a few rings just as she hung up and was walking back into work. I didn't really know what to say to H other than "Oh...have a few minutes before class starts" I had actually talked to him about 20 min prior but had to call. I KNOW I AM NUTS!
In person, she is much prettier than her pictures I've seen on internet/fb. She has shoulder length blond hair (I'm a brunette). I really just wanted to SLAP her right then and there. My heart was beating so fast.....but I went to class.
I couldn't hear the conversation, but her face didn't look happy and her tone didn't sound breezy.
UGH! Plus we ML this a.m. (I was not the initiator).
Thanks for listening. H is planning a trip to see parts of the Amgen race around CA next month. Plus he has talked about seeing a car race up in Sonoma in late August (he did this trip two years ago "alone"). I think he is laying groundwork for another "alone weekend". He has done 3 of these in our 22 years of M.
Part of Amgen is his bday weekend so he asked "so what do you want to do?" I said...."it's your choice and your bday weekend". So...not sure if he is including me or not at this point.
I honestly don't care when he goes on backpacking/biking/camping/motorcyle trips with his guy friends. At least I feel comfortable that I know who he is with. It is the ALONE trips that tear me up.
Thanks for listening........
UGH!!!
Hi Starsky,
Thank you. I do realize that I am in an endless loop. I am going to seek some outside help and do appreciate your words of wisedom.
Best, A.
Hi AJM80,
No...my H would never go to church. In fact his OW is a bit of a darwin scientist type. I am definitely going to seek some counseling and have a db coach session on Thursday. She always seems to whip me into shape for a few weeks anyway.
I have yet to see a lawyer. That seems SO final! I don't feel like I am anywhere near that stage yet but I know from what everyone says on these boards that I should be prepared.
I love your Dave's list! Made me laugh. Thank you!!
Have a great day tomorrow friends.....
A.
10) Next time he heads over, trick him into taking some laxatives 1st....3 hours, right?
Funny! Could be bad karma though.
Hi Starsky,
Thank you. I do realize that I am in an endless loop. I am going to seek some outside help and do appreciate your words of wisedom.
Best, A.
Might want to start here:
Plus we ML this a.m. (I was not the initiator).
At least maybe you'd get your self-respect back. A well-timed "I'm no longer comfortable with this, considering what you're doing. I'm your wife, not your booty call" might slap him at least partially back into reality.
Really, Abbey, you're worth so much more than this. Your husband won't begin respecting you until YOU do.
Starsky
Hi,
Had a good talk with DB coach yesterday a.m. I always feel better after speaking with her.
Key Points:
1) She advised ME to be more OWish. Obviously not by retaliating with a revenge A, but to act more flirty (not in a sexual way).
2) Be happy when H walks through the door. Stop doing dishes, working in office, etc....and look him in the eyes and have a conversation. Smile.
3) Make him think he's hot. Little comments here and there. She explained that arousal can be stimulating while not being satiated.
4) When kids are away for awhile, make a move and say things like "I feel like we're getting away with something". Be more playful.
5) She advised me to act the way OW is probably acting. Obviously she doesn't have the kids or business or family finance pressures so she can devote all of her energy to him. Coach advised me to act more like her.
6) She told me that she can tell that I am a very nice person, and that my H knows that I am, and he counts on me for stability. He sees me as responsible, not necessarily attractive. She thinks I need to mix it up and dress a little sexier (while still age appropriate), heels and whatnot. She said if I "act" demoralized it will be over.
7) Most important: she said....that in no way does she condone me sticking my head in the sand, but in this stage of our relationship as it stands now, she would not recommend confrontation. There will be a time to bring up the topic, but now now.
So....she thinks I should ask to go on a ride with him on his motorcycle this weekend. Be more adventurous. Make it less easy for him to go off on his own. In a way this seems opposite of DB rules, but in our case, I think I have made it too easy for H to come and go just so I can avoid the conflict.
Did anyone watch the royal wedding? Went to a friend's house to watch it live with all of my best girlfriends. Kate looked amazing! I'm a sucker for a happy ending!
Have a nice Friday everyone!
Good luck with that. I've personally never seen it work.
Starsky
Good morning,
H left at 6:30am for a "BIKE RIDE"....mmmm...uh huh.....When asked, he said he would be gone until 12:30 or so which really means 2:00pm or so.
Said he was going to ride his bike on the coast. I think I have narrowed down his art of the lie. He does this funny little throat clear thing, then he talks about what he is going to do here when he gets home (i.e. finish the fence for our garden, help clean the house, etc...)
He asked what I was going to do today and I said I don't know...just left it kind of vague. He said that I should go to the gym and I said I probably would, but wasn't sure what else the day had in store for me. Seriously...why should I hang around cleaning the house and doing laundry on a beautiful day when he is out doing his thing. I'm outta here!
So, I am trying to come up with some fabulous fun thing that I can do alone and maybe won't be here waiting when he gets back. Maybe take the train north....OR....Joshua Tree to take photos.....OR....??
Working on my plan!
Had a fun night last night with H, we met some friends at a local brew house and then went to dinner. We all shared a great bottle of wine. All in all...nice evening. We were talking about the royal wedding and our friends said that they think I look like Kate Middleton (which I obviously took as a nice compliment). Glad they said it in front of H. Don't get too many compliments from him. Very rare in fact.
I wore something shear to bed. H definitely noticed.
My song for the day: "You Don't Know Me" (Ray Charles/Diana Krall version)
Had a rough day yesterday. I knew where H was headed. That's all it took to ruin my day.
When I came home, he was working on the garden fence. He had started laundry (probably to wash the riding clothes that were not used or even dirty so I wouldn't know that he probably didn't go riding). Who knows!
Later in the day I took a walk with my Ipod, saw him on the road and asked if he wanted to join me on my walk....he said not really. I was sad, I think he could tell. I need to stop letting his whereabouts effect my mood! I don't know how to do that though.
About a mile into my walk, he drove up behind me on his motorcycle and asked if I wanted to go for a ride. So I did! It was so fun. I have never in my life been on a motorcycle before. Pretty exhilarating.
Later we played basketball, catch with a softball and later bocce ball at the park with D17 and her BF. The 4 of us took the convertible out and went for pizza. It was a warm SoCal night. Felt like summer!
After we went to bed, I woke up around 2ish and COULD NOT get back to sleep. Tossed, turned, and replayed all of the lies in my head. I was tempted to go look for the secret cell phone. H doesn't know that I know where he keeps the spare key to his locked toolbox on his truck. I haven't had the guts to do it. And honestly when I find it....then what? I am just making myself CRAZY!
One good day.....one bad. Up and down. I started looking for a counselor. I need to read some more self help books. Trying to get out of this funk. My self esteem seems damaged beyond repair at this point.
H asked this a.m. again, why he thought I couldn't sleep. I wanted to say that he should know why I can't sleep. I can't get past the voicemail message that he left for OW (but on my cell phone). Him calling her "Babe". I mean who does that? I am haunted by it. There is not a single hour that goes by when I don't think about it.
This a.m., H and I went to the coast for a walk. It was absolutely beautiful. Perfect beach weather. We sat on a rock and watched the surfers for awhile. I was pretty quiet (I'm usually a bit of a talker when we're together). I let him offer conversation which turned out to be very surface level. This is where we are after 22 years of marriage. Surface level conversation where I feel like I can't talk at all about our R.
H just left with a friend of ours to go looking at bikes. He'll be gone for awhile.
Thanks for listening....
I know you are tired of hearing from me!
Surfing around the web, I found an interesting passage concerning OW or OM in general that I thought some might find helpful/useful....
"The very nature of being the "third party" instead of the "spouse" means it's a fantasy relationship. When people are in affairs, they present a side of themselves that's not representative of the whole person. It's a special version of their best aspects, free from the normal responsibilities involved in sharing a total life situation; whereas the roles and structure of family life create many restrictions and responsibilities. A person's affair is not so much a rejection of the mate as a rejection of these role restrictions. This awareness can be especially helpful in dealing with our feelings of comparison with the third party."
Interesting....
"Of course, this is much easier to do if the third party is rejected and the marriage survives. But even when a person does choose the third party over their spouse, they frequently learn much later (if the other person takes on the role of spouse) that their specialness had more to do with their earlier role than with the person themselves. Many people have an illusion that this new person offers a new life, only to discover after a few years that all the old feelings and issues are there just as in the past. They didn't really change games at all, they only changed the players. Today's third party may be tomorrow's spouse who is unhappy in their marriage."
SO....MAYBE SHE'S NOT ALL THAT AFTERALL!
xoxo, A.
She's obviously not all that. I've never thought women who willingly cheated on me who were not leaving their wives thought a lot of themselves. Why shortchange yourself that way? She'll take whatever H has left over from his relationship with you?
Now, don't get me wrong, you can flip that back and see what you are doing in a negative light...but don't (too much). I like Loretta Lynn singing "You ain't woman enough to take my man". It sounds like that's what your coach is telling you - believe that you have her beat with your awesomeness and start to take back some of the power in your relationship?
Like Starsky, I struggle with your sleeping with him knowing he is running around on you..but it seems like things are happening and he's choosing to spend more time with you than her. So, do what's working, right?
No more snooping! Truth be told, i'd copy the damn key and make copies of whatever was in there. But that would be in case of a divorce/proving the affair, not to confront him. Frankly, I think if you got any more goods on him/OW, you'd boil over and not be in a good place.
Good luck with that. I've personally never seen it work.
Starsky
I suppose it is worth a try. Trying to ramp up my confidence so have been working out more and dressing nicer. H actually said I looked nice yesterday before work (very seldom do I ever hear that from him). I scheduled an appt for indiv. therapy but it is very pricey and I'm not sure that I should be spending that kind of money at this juncture.
Like Starsky, I struggle with your sleeping with him knowing he is running around on you..but it seems like things are happening and he's choosing to spend more time with you than her. So, do what's working, right?
I know. I wonder if I just want him more because he is probably sleeping with OW? I have actually recently thought about what it might be like to be with someone else after 24 years together. Maybe "I" am the one missing out. he he. Anyway, just a passing thought I've had lately........NOT going to act on it. It's just two plus years of not knowing and feeling stuck is making me a little crazy. Going to try to focus on other awesome areas of my life (kids, photography, hiking, etc...) ML 3 times this last week. Have Dr. appt. in a few weeks and am taking everyone's advice to get std tested.
So I have the day off today! Girls day....taking a limo with 3 friends to do some wine tasting (friend won the trip in an auction). H's last words as he left..."have fun but don't drink too much wine". He knows wine is my nemesis. For me it is like a truth serum. I need to not chat with my friends about all of this stuff. Already blew it last month with one girlfriend and I'm hoping she didn't blab.
Song for the day: "Red Red Wine" UB40
Abbey,
I wouldn't advocate "blabbing" to a whole bunch of people either, but sometimes having the support and confidence of one or two of your best friends and/or family members can be a real Godsend.
Why are you trying to protect your husband from the consequences of his own behavior?
Starsky
Hi Starsky,
I don't know why I still want to protect him. Maybe because if it "gets out" I'll feel worse. More sad.....more embarrassed....more angry.
All I know is that once I spill the beans, I can't take it back. I learned that the first time we went through this when my D17 was then just a baby. I told my my two closest girlfriends at the time. I always felt on edge around those friends when H was around. Just uncomfortable.
H is working tomorrow (probably partly true and partly not). That is my new reality. I don't believe much of what is said.
I hope YOU have a nice weekend!
Only if you allow it to be.
Starsky
Tonight is my last night of class. Since I found out about OW working at my college just after I started the semester, this has been one LONG agonizing class.
Had a nice Mother's Day. D17 made bfast and H gave me a nice card and some nice little gifts. He wrote "I LOVE YOU!" in the card. Later we all went to a movie "Something Borrowed". There was a whole cheating theme going on in the movie. D17 asked H after the movie which characters were "wrong" and "right" regarding the cheating. I think H was uncomfortable and he skirted the question.
I want to see more movies like this with him. HOLD A MIRROR UP TO HIM...you know?
Feeling a little stronger these last couple of days.
Wow - I wonder if S has some inkling of what his dad is up to. That is an interesting question for an older child to ask, right? Might be worth having a convo with your son (NOT about H), but just about cheating in general and what his thoughts were on the movie. He may be looking for some sort of moral guidance from you guys.
Abbey,
I am not a fan of exposure (not saying not to confront the WAS, but telling 3rd parties has NEVER resulted in a reconciliation that I know of). Please read "facingdivorce"'s thread and how it backfired on him big time.
What is your LONG term goal? If it's reconciliation, then how does telling 3rd parties make that more likely? If you "injure" him socially, or professionally to "teach him a lesson", you will unite them, not divide them. And you'd be very surprised to learn how few outsiders will appreciate you sharing your pain with them. A lot of people resent being dragged into it and many of them see the LBSer as a whiner, nagger, somehow in the wrong. And that makes it all worse. WHEREAS when the truth comes out some other way and the LBSer has clean hands, it just makes them look more dignified. Like they're putting their children's needs ahead of their pain AND keeping a private matter, private. Once your h goes public with OW then that changes things. But for now...
If you take the high road then when the truth comes out you come out smelling like a rose. And the truth will come out, but don't let it come from you. It looks vindictive and nasty and confirms the reasons the WAS used to justify leaving in the first place. It's much worse for your kids to hear it from you when you come from a place of victimization.
As my DB coach said, "it's NOT OUR JOB to "teach them a lesson" or "show them the consequences of their behavior", b/c Life does that for them....
I am not saying you should cover or lie for the cheater, but there's a fine line between outing to punish, and simply being truthful. Look within your heart and see where your motives are coming from. A place of light and truth, or dark anger and pain...
Good luck
Hi Starsky,
Thank you. I do realize that I am in an endless loop. I am going to seek some outside help and do appreciate your words of wisedom.
Best, A.
Might want to start here:
Plus we ML this a.m. (I was not the initiator).
At least maybe you'd get your self-respect back. A well-timed "I'm no longer comfortable with this, considering what you're doing. I'm your wife, not your booty call" might slap him at least partially back into reality.
Really, Abbey, you're worth so much more than this. Your husband won't begin respecting you until YOU do.
Starsky
Starsky, this is the most personal of decisions, and she has a DB coach. You've made your point, a lot. I don't happen to agree with you but since she has a DB coach AND a past involving this very issue, I figure this is something I don't need to comment upon. But since you do, often, I will say that Abbey knows about DBing and has resources and we are not able to judge what goes on in the dark between any two people. My guess, and it is just a guess, is that their ML going well, is one of the reasons her h is not sure what he wants. He is not acting like a man who KNOWS he wants a divorce. Abbey, that's not to say you should put up with this or for how long. I understand the nightmare this is for you and you have outdone most people on here in terms of handling things over time. But don't be bullied into doing, or not doing, what feels right to you. You said your DB coach is helpful and clarifying. Trust her.
(( Hugs ))
Starsky, this is the most personal of decisions, and she has a DB coach. You've made your point, a lot. I don't happen to agree with you but since she has a DB coach AND a past involving this very issue, I figure this is something I don't need to comment upon. But since you do, often, I will say that Abbey knows about DBing and has resources and we are not able to judge what goes on in the dark between any two people.
And Abby has been stuck -- a lot -- in the same endless cycle, and I'm trying to help her, just as you are.
Are my opinions and advice any less valid than yours, 25?
Abby is free to accept or reject ANY of our advice, as always. If all she needs is the DB coach, then what's the purpose of the forum?
I will leave my views on exposure out of this, since they are not allowed anymore, but I will say this:
I am not saying you should cover or lie for the cheater . . .
I completely agree. And Abby is going to have a tough decision to make if her D17 asks her point-blank, as to whether she lies to her or tells her the truth about what her father has been doing.
Not easy, I know.
Starsky
Here, took a recent post of mine where I was trying to help someone, and fixed it for you, 25:
Anyway....if anyone can take the time to read the following and give me feedback, I would appreciate it. Was she A) just playing with my mimd to be mean B) trying to cover up her newly open relationship that everyone other than me (including kids) knew about C)confused D) simply trying to keep BTM as an option
Look, this is a fruitless exercise, BTM. You're only going to drive yourself batty trying to analyze all of this. Put it all under the general heading of "people who are cheating, lie, nearly all of the time," and call it a day. What are YOU doing to work on YOU?
Make yourself the kind of man that ANY woman would be a fool to not want. If that turns out to be your wayward wife at some point, then great. And if not, you'll be the better man for it.Hire a DB coach, and do what they tell you. Only they know best.THAT, is DBing.
Starsky
Wow - I wonder if S has some inkling of what his dad is up to. That is an interesting question for an older child to ask, right? Might be worth having a convo with your son (NOT about H), but just about cheating in general and what his thoughts were on the movie. He may be looking for some sort of moral guidance from you guys.
From personal experience, I think I picked up on my dad's A before anyone else did as a child. Children just have that sense IMO. It certainly didn't make his A hurt any less, and it's made a profound impact on me as an adult.
dueinMay - I agree with you. Abbey might have a difficult convo if she asks her son if he wants to talk about the movie and he was trying to start something with his dad/bring things out in the open. Or he may have just been making conversation. Either way, it's a good chance to talk about relationships in general/life lesson sort of thing. My parents talked to me about some general guidelines for why they thought their relationship was so successful.
I wish H's parents had talked to him when he was younger about some things...
Abbey - I wish now I had told fewer people and shared fewer details still. BUT, I needed people to talk to. I did not tell anyone outside of family unless I thought 1) they'd keep mouth shut and 2) if H was not comfortable with them, I would be ok with not seeing them socially much if we reconciled. Because they will judge him and you. They love you and will have a much harder time forgiving him than you ever would. They'll prob question why you are staying with him and question his motives.
Wow - I wonder if S has some inkling of what his dad is up to. That is an interesting question for an older child to ask, right? Might be worth having a convo with your son (NOT about H), but just about cheating in general and what his thoughts were on the movie. He may be looking for some sort of moral guidance from you guys.
Hi AJ,
It was actually my daughter...she is pretty intuitive. A couple of weeks ago she and I were chatting in the jacuzzi and she asked "are you and dad going to get a divorce?". She knows H is gone for long periods of unaccounted for time on weekends. For example, this a.m. we are supposed to head to sons baseball game up north (at least an hour away), should be leaving in 10 minutes but wait...H decides to go the the "gym". Seriously? I'm sure he might actually go to the gym, but I'm also sure he is calling OW from his secret cell phone. He seemed frustrated this a.m. and I think it is because he is obligated to go see his son play and not rendezvous with OW. If we win the game today, there could be two games tomorrow....so he wouldn't be able to see her then either. I'm sure he is formulating his plan to "ESCAPE" at the earliest possible moment this weekend. He always does.
Hope we win today!
Thank you 25 and Starsky.
I very much appreciate different points of view! I know I need a kick in the pants from time to time. Sometimes this comes from folks on this forum and sometimes it come from my DB coach and sometimes I pull it from within.
I feel my personality has NOT served me well in many aspects of my life. I've aways been a bit of a shy, reserved person (at least outwardly... he he), happy NOT to be the center of attention - EVER. The biggest thing I ever did to work on that was to take a public speaking class last summer. THE MOST TERRIFYING THING I'VE EVER DONE. But I did it and passed with B. I know I can rise to any challenge!
My most important challenge obviously is with H and how to stay strong for me and my kids and to not let all of H's indiscretions poison my life. I have lost a few good years to the poison. The sad thing is...I think H really thinks he is pulling the wool over my eyes.
I struggle to take the high road. To not snoop when all I want to do is snoop. To not drive by OW jobsite to catch H there with her....you know. NOT A PRETTY PICTURE.
So, I thank you all for caring. Really!!!
xo, Abbey
Well...H made his escape about an hour ago. He is going to get fish and propane to bbq later.....should take about an hour tops. My guess...not home until 5. Just my best guess. Oh and he wore one of his nicer long sleeve button downs. Funny thing was...he put it on inside out! HA HA HA. I should have let him go out that way (most likely going to see OW) with it inside out (I had to laugh), but NO...I was nice and told him.
Spent some great time with daughter this afternoon and also on the phone with son. I sure do like them both as people (not just my kids).
I think I'm headed to see the ocean. It actually rained this a.m. (very unusual for Socal this time of year). Has turned into a beautiful day!
I don't know why Mondays are always so hard. I intuitively know that Mondays are definitely a day that H and OW meet up. Mondays are the "no underwear" days....he usually only did that when we would go out evenings. PLUS the last few Mondays LIKE CLOCKWORK, he calls me around 11:30am driving back from one jobsite headed to another, but on Mondays, he always calls me on my office phone (where I am a consultant) rather than my cell phone. I think it is to make sure that I am at work and perhaps not at school where OW works. At least that is my theory.
Trying to learn how to let go of some of my anger. Last night we were watching a show and Jesse James was being interviewed (notorious cheating husband of Sandra Bullock). I can't stand ANY CHEATERS! It is such a trigger for me. I told H to turn the channel....because the guy is a jerk. Feeling angry and unsettled for extended periods of time can't be healthy right?
I am wondering if we can actually survive his infidelity since he most likely will never admit it to me? I think it makes it easier for him, but for me there will always be lingering doubt.
Thanks for listening....Abbey
Song for the day: "Manic Monday" Bangles
H has a bday today. I laughed and thought I should give him a card with the lyrics to the song..."50 ways to leave your lover" only swap out 50 for 53 (his age today). "Slip out the back Jack....Make a new plan Stan...."
I crack myself up. Obviously won't do that! We both worked late today and had to cancel fun plans with friends....so just another day in paradise.....living the dream......
A.
Dang Abbey
You will go nuts this way!! how about a session with a DB coach? it's got to be cheaper than losing your sanity.
You don't have to be Maria Shriver...(God help her), you can confront but don't do it til you are ready to act.
So, just, call them!!
Hi 25,
Thank you as always. I have one more DB session left and since I just had one, am waiting for awhile.
H liked the bday gift that I gave him...something he has been wanting for awhile. We went for dinner on Friday night with D17 and her BF to celebrate. H has been super stressed out about work. He has been rather distant for the past week. I feel like I am living with my brother instead of my H.
He left on his motorcycle early Saturday a.m. up to the mountains. I knew his plan and he did call when he arrived so I wouldn't worry. I didn't quite know what to do with myself so I decided to be kind to myself and take care of ME. Took a long walk, Mani/pedi, massage, hair done, etc...went to an early dinner alone and rented movies. No one was home so I was kind of lonely. H did finally call around 6ish and I decided not to be here when he arrived. Went to the beach for an hour and then came home.
Today I saw that my bday card was the only one he put in the recycle bin. All of the rest of his cards he saved in his nightstand. That made me kind of sad.
So...on and on....
A.
Hi,
One of the things I love about this forum is book recommendations. Think I'll pick up that book "Not Just Friends" this weekend.
OK I'm going to come clean with you guys about something I did last weekend when H was away. When he was out on his motorcycle trip, I took the "secret cell phone charger" out of his car and cut some of the wires thinking that would stall some communications with OW. So last night, S20 was back in town and I needed to move H's truck so son could get out. I looked in his center console and wouldn't you know it.....McGyver had the secret cell phone charger all taped up with electrical tape. I guess I didn't do a very good job. Then last year....we were at a friend's house for a backyard fire and cocktails, we drove separately, and I left early.....saw that the secret cell phone charger was actually plugged into his console.... I grabbed it, drove a bit out of the way....and launched it out the window. Made me feel so good! But he then obviously bought a new one.
So...my acts of sabotage were ridiculous, but made me feel good for a few seconds anyway.
I told H this a.m. that I wanted to get out of town this weekend. It's the start of summer! I don't want to deal with his "Oh....I'm just going on a bike ride" stuff tomorrow morning....as usual....and "Oh....I want to ride my motorcycle....won't be long...be back soon."
He said...."you should get away". Uh huh. Right.
I said...."we should ALL get away". So then, he warmed up to the idea of a little overnight trip tomorrow....destination unknown at this point. But not until after he "rides his bike". I told him that we could totally work the bike ride into our little mini-vaca. Then he came up with another excuse to ride in a.m.
Hope you all have a nice holiday weekend.
xo, A.
Really, Abbey, you're worth so much more than this. Your husband won't begin respecting you until YOU do.
Starsky
Good advice...thank you. I think about this often....
Really, Abbey, you're worth so much more than this. Your husband won't begin respecting you until YOU do.
Starsky
Good advice...thank you. I think about this often....
I know, but you don't actually DO anything about it, Abbey. That's my point.
Starsky
Ummm Abbey, your passive-aggressive sabotage could be why he recycled your birthday card and doing more Free Balling Mondays? (well, that and because he's being a jerk and cheating)
I do think you took a step back - it's not like someone else is going to mess with his charger or he's not going to notice that it's suddenly been chopped, right?
Regroup, woman! You're tougher than that and were seeing some good things happening.
PS - I'm guilty of texting/calling my H too much. It's hard and we all have these times when we vent out.
Hi,
Just checking in. Nothing much new other than H has little or no interest lately in ML. He left on usual bike ride this a.m. around 7:30. I had a dream just before waking that we had "the talk" and it kind of freaked me out.
I met friends for breakfast and bloody marys. Hiked 30 miles this weeks total in prep for Whitney next month. Pretty fun but tiring!
D17 graduated last week. She looked beautiful and is so happy. S20 is still figuring out where to go in the fall. Should be decided in the next week or so...sports are still in the mix so that makes admissions and choices a bit more tricky.
Just hanging today with daughter and her bf. She pulled out my yearbook from 1982. We laughed at the clothes and hairstyles. I was sporting a pretty big "do" at the time. I pulled out all of my old records (I still have a record player!)....we've listened to Bob Segar, Aerosmith, Eagles, Fleetwood Mac, Bruce, Pat Benetar, the Go-Gos, and now we're listening to the Cars. It is so fun to look at the record inserts and the photos with the crazy hair bands and their tight satin pants. Kind of like a time capsule.
Hope you guys are having a nice day...........
Abbey,
LOVE your taste in music! I got just about every one of those on my iPhone.
Ahhh, the good ol' days!
Starsky
So H mentioned that he wants to go up to a convention in SF this coming Friday. He forwarded me the info....looks pretty interesting. I asked if I could join him....I would just cruise around SF, shop, sightsee and whatnot. A few days pass and I told him I'd check airline flights. I did yesterday and they were roughtly $220 RT pp....but today they are up to $436 pp. I said well why don't we drive so then I could go and it would cost less? All along he had no desire to do the 1000 mile roundtrip drive. So I decided that I wouldn't go to save $ on airline ticket and asked if he wanted me to book his ticket.
He said he thought I was taking care of everything yesterday. I told him the price of the tickets yesterday and he was his usual non-committal self and didn't give me an answer. So then I asked well...do you want me to book your ticket and he laid a guilt trip on me about how I was trying to turn this trip into something other than what he intended it to be..."a business trip".
So, I got ready for work. He kissed me goodbye but I was mad and hurt. I guess he couldn't be any more blunt about not wanting me to go. It really hurt my feelings. He knows how hard I have been working, and how much I've been wanting just a little getaway.
Later in the a.m. he called and said he'll drive up with my dad on Thursday (he coincidentally is going up north) and will then fly home Friday. He'll stay at my brother's house.
Whatever.
On the upside....IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF SUMMER! I'm going to turn off my phone this afternoon and go for a hike.
OH and it wouldn't surprise me if OW goes to this particular convention too since she is building a "green" house.
I hate her.
If OW was going to the convention he wouldn't be staying with your brother now, would he?
I used to go on business trips with my H, but frankly, it was fun for me but not so much for him - he had to be "on" the whole time for colleagues and such.
Hi Abby, I am new to this forum as of today. Read some of your post. Oh my, sounds so familar it hurts. I have been married 21 years and am dealing with repeated lies of a 3 plus year being over. I've been told this so many times. I know he is lying. It is driving me crazy! The other reason I responded to your post is I also live in So Cal. I am very alone in that it has been 2 years since I found out and I haven't told anyone. I am going crazy! I hope to get to know you better.
Hi KML,
H didn't end up going to the convention because he had too many conflicts with work. So...I got myself all worked up over nothing!
Hi Mint,
I am so sorry you are here! You will really get some helpful and caring advice on this board. I still struggle with the lies that I know about....but also the possible lies that might be taking place. Losing trust is such a horrible thing!
Hope you are enjoying this sunny day.
Hi,
Just want to get your opinions.
My H over the last couple of years has not always been readily available by cell phone. He says that he is....but he's not. Even the kids know he is hard to reach at certain times.
Over the weekend I lost my cell phone. H knew I lost it because I told him. I reminded him on Monday morning that I didn't have my cell phone. We had talked about meeting up at a local adventure store that night to make some purchases for our hike on Saturday. I assumed we would go later (after 5:30 or so). So I left work around 3:30, went home, changed and went the gym and then grocery store not knowing that he was there at the adventure store waiting for me. He kept trying to call me on my work number and then the home number. He had my son drive by my work to see if my car was there and H even drove to a location where I often hike alone after work to see if I was there.
OK...so literally....I was out of touch for 2 hours MAX.
I felt bad that I had misunderstood about our meet time at the adventure store, but he was really *issed at me for not being able to reach me. He said that "it goes both ways" and "not to get on him when I can't reach him". Which I don't feel like I do, but sometimes I say things like "I've been trying to reach you all afternoon" if I HAVE been trying to reach him all afternoon.
Wow....all this time I was thinking....he knew I didn't have a cell phone that day!!
I think he blew things way out of proportion. Am I crazy?
Plus he has been more distant (physically) but we have been spending more weekend time together lately. We have been training with 3 other couples for two big mountain hikes coming up. I have to ask for a hug in the mornings. Seriously....who has to ask for a hug? Is it too much to expect an occasional spontaneous hug from my husband?
Lol! It freaks them out when it occurs to them that maybe what's sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose too!
When my husband had his affair, one day I was driving and he had to answer my cell phone for me. After, he started looking through the list of incoming calls and asking me who this number was and who that one was! Me, who had never even looked at another man in 26 years!!!!!! It was purely his own guilt speaking.
So.....your H probably had a little moment of wondering if YOU could be out doing something naughty. Let him wonder - it's good for him to feel the shoe on the other foot!
I thought the same thing....that he might think I was actually up to something.
Had a very fun yet exhausting day yesterday with H and 5 of our friends. We hiked San Jacinto Peak. H sometimes would pull ahead (I was the slow one of our group) but then he would stop and wait for me to catch up. At the end when the rest of the group was booking it down the mountain (they were maybe 5-10 minutes ahead), he slowed up and hung with me. That was very nice. It was very much an endurance type of day, and we joked a lot at the end that we couldn't believe the parking lot was still so far away. All in all...I'd say it was a great experience and something fun that my H and I did together. Afterwards we all went to a local spot for a beer and a burger.
I do feel lately that we are living more like roommates (in the same bed). I'm a bit tired of pursuing, so not doing much of that. We stayed in bed until noon today just watching the Tour de France and resting up from our trek yesterday. He helped clean up the house and then took off on his motorcycle to who knows where? Probably OW? Maybe not? I just don't flipping know.
Our big adventure to Whitney is in a couple of weeks. We learned a lot from our trip yesterday and we'll be joined by the same group of friends so it should be a trip to remember.
Happy 4th friends....A.
Yesterday H and I picked up D17 from the airport. We met half way so we could meet her in one car. Guess where he had me pick him up? The shopping center closest to OW's rental house. OMG!
I do believe (in a way) that he was coming from work when he met me......but who knows?
Hi,
Doubt....suspicions....ugh....hard to let go. OW was promoted to a director at the college. H got gas at the station right near the college on Friday and also has lunch frequently over that way so I feel pretty certain he is still in contact (at a minimum). He left on his motorcycle yesterday for 3 or 4 hrs.
I never thought that his behavior would effect me for SO LONG and make me doubt myself as much as I do.
We are headed out on a vacation for a week on Saturday. Will be nice to be out of the orbit of OW.
H has not made any kind of advances for at least a month.
D17 and S20 are headed away to college at the end of August. Then it will just be us. I am quite anxious about that.
Hi Abbey- I've been out of touch for awhile, just caught up on your last few pages of posts. Your much deserved venting set aside, your posts are mostly about what he is doing and your efforts to track what he is up to.
My tentative advice to you....save up some cash and hire a private investigator. Document the affair so that you don't feel crazy any more. Then decide what you are going to do. I'm not advocating divorce or confrontation or any other specifics. But you are in control of your life and I want you to stop chasing him around letting him mess with your head like this. Take back the power you have over your life. I do think you need to know for sure and be able to prove he is cheating - it sounds like you're getting close to the edge of what you're going to tolerate from him without blowing up and confronting him. If you want to, do a free consultation with a local attorney to find out what lies ahead if this does blow up. It would be for you to know your options, not to shake things up - don't let anyone rile you up or push you away from DBing or the path you want to take.
Regardless of what you decide, you should have a solid financial plan in place, in case this does end in divorce after your kids are both in college (very soon, right?), you should make sure you have copies of financial records/account numbers/tax returns in a safe place, you should ensure that you have some money in an account he cannot access so that you can function for a couple months.
I don't know what more experienced DBers would have to say to that....I just feel thing overwhelming sense that maybe you're going down cheeseless tunnels and he's not responding and you're getting worn down and just going along with it, rather than chosing to detach and chosing to wage war against the infidelity. Lots of love and all my best to you. I still believe you can come back to a good marriage and happiness.
It sounds like he is doing more things with you, which is great. It bothers me a lot that he threw your bday card away. Very petty and mean. Keep focusing on those positive interations with him and keep taking your time away from him. Good for you, going to the gym and on hikes and all these fun things.
Hi AJM,
Thank you for your words. I guess I have been avoiding the whole attorney thing because I feel once I go there.......it will be hard to look back.
I don't know if I am so emotional because of the lack of attention from H, my kids growing up and not needing me as much any more, blah blah blah. All I know is I break down and cry over the craziest things lately (not in front of anyone though). My daughter's college sent a package in the mail with little "Out of the Blue" care package cards so that on various holidays...or for no reason at all I can send her care packages when she is at college. I opened that envelope and just cried! What is wrong with me?
We were originally supposed to leave today for our vacation...but then decided to leave tomorrow early instead. We're going with a couple other families who are also leaving tomorrow.
So last night I was super excited to be off of work and in "vacation mode". H got home and I said hey let's go to dinner to kick off our vacation! He replied "ah...if we go out...I'll lose steam and I want to ride my bike in the a.m. I'm happy to stay home and do laundry tonight". Seriously?? And guess who is doing the laundry?
And I know until I can have an honest conversation about why I get anxious about his "bike rides" and "motorcycle rides", things will never change. And he'll just accuse me of not trusting.
Last few nights I haven't been sleeping....H could tell something was wrong and he did actually put his arm around me and snuggle in bed that night. I can count two times in the last six months when he has done that.
I know I sound like a blubbering idiot. Sometimes just need to vent when there is no one to talk to. Thank for listening.
Maybe I need meds. I don't know.
Hi Abbey - I actually went to an attorney in Nov last year and only recently told H about it. I went to find out my rights and what I should be worried about/prepared for. I just did a free consultation and not to take action.
Go out tonight and put some sugar in his gas tank. That'll bust up his morning ride.
mostly kidding
It's totally normal to be emotional with kids going off to college. Plus you have all this craziness going on. Could you be pre-menopausal? (you don't have to answer, just something to thing about - maybe talk to your general doctor.) The hormone changes could be stressing you out even more. Or maybe you do need meds - go see a psych. If you need some help getting through this, take it.
I do think a PI and an atty will help you take some control of the situation - not even to confront or threaten H with - but so you really know what you are dealing with and fighting.
Hope you have an amazing vacation! Send your kids postcards
Go out tonight and put some sugar in his gas tank. That'll bust up his morning ride.
mostly kidding
Ahhhh, nothing like a little
infidelitus interruptus. I like your style, AJM.
Starsky
Hi,
Since I last checked in, so much has happened. I forgot my login and password for awhile!
Our trip was great although since we went with two other families, not very intimate. We did laugh a lot and had a blast in the boat and tubing. As a group we went wine tasting but guess who got carsick on the way there? (ME!!!!) Super attractive!! So I was the only one of the group who didn't taste any wine.
When we returned from the trip, we celebrated our 22nd anniversary. That was fun.......we rode the train up to San Juan Capistrano and had dinner out. Stopped into a country western bar to hear some music while we were there. Nice time!
My beloved 12 year old golden retriever passed away in early August. He fell asleep under a tree and never woke up. I loved him. We all cried (even H - which is unusual). I appreciated having H there that morning because he handled taking care of our little departed pooch. He even cleaned him up so the kids could say their goodbyes (there were ants all over him already). Our other golden is really depressed since then so I've been trying to bring her on car rides and walk with her as much as possible. Almost time for off-leash beach walks (after labor day!).
Last Friday we took D17 up to college. Poor thing was sick to her stomach all the way through L.A. Nerves I suppose. Once she felt better, the 3 of us had a really nice trip. H brought his bike and did a long ride the morning of her move-in. He also did a hike alone. I didn't want to miss a single last minute with my girl. When she asked me to braid her hair that morning I started crying. She always asks me to braid her hair........won't be doing that for awhile. She just laughed and gave me a hug. Probably won't see her until Thanksgiving unless I get a wild hair to do some wine tasting and visit her in Sonoma.
S20 leaves for his new school on Friday. It is only a couple of hours away so I'm sure we'll be seeing him more often. Still...with dog gone, daughter gone and son soon to be gone.....feeling pretty blue. H doesn't have the same feelings. Maybe it is a mom thing. PLUS....his OW in wings. Makes my stomach turn.
I had been hoping that he was no longer involved in her new home construction, but pulled up her permit (public information) and sure enough, he is listed as the contact on a few of the items for the building department - inspections scheduled for just last week!!!!! I rationalize to myself, well maybe he is just being nice and trying to help her out. I could handle that! (maybe) But the fact that he has never once...NOT ONCE...mentioned any involvement in project proves he has something to hide. In fact last year he denied involvement in her project. If there is nothing fishy going on, then why the secrets? And I think....that he thinks....that simply by not sharing his whereabouts....he is not LYING. But it is LYING!
So, I still haven't seen a lawyer, I still want my old life back, I'm tired of feeling like crap. I almost texted him today to ask him about the house that I didn't know he was building. I almost pressed send......but then deleted it. I called him a few times when I saw the permit info and when he finally answered I hung up on him. Then he called back and I was vague and he called a little while later and I was cool and vague.
CRYING AND SAD TODAY. FOR MANY REASONS.
Thanks for listening..........
AWwwww ((((((hugs)))))) we should be going out for margaritas!
Things may or may not come to a head now that the kids are gone. You may need to think strategically about what your goals are.
Do you WANT to know the truth about what he's up to? What will you do with that information? If you knew for sure he was having an affair, would it change your plans?
And let's assume, for a moment, that either you call it off or he calls it off now that the kids are out of the house. Are you financially prepared for that moment? If not, what should you be doing right now to make yourself be in a better financial place in case that happens?
KML a good margarita would suit me just fine! Had a great dirty martini last night!
Moved S20 into his new place yesterday. We all had a nice time together and I feel so proud that both of my kids have made it to university. Their lives are just beginning!!!
This morning, I feel as if I have turned a page. I've been meditating on the words "I am responsible for my own happiness". When I really focus on that and believe it....I feel better and can even try to see H as a "person" and not the man driving me crazy with for the past 3 yrs. Of course this is today. Tomorrow I could be a complete basket case again. Roller Coaster! But trying......
H and I talked this morning about fixing up the house. A sign that he will be staying or a sign that he wants to sell? We've even talked about holiday plans so a good sign I suppose.
Out to walk the dog on this beautiful San Diego day!
Song for the day: "Good Life" OneRepublic
Nice weekend overall.......but Saturday H did leave to go on a bike ride, but the next day I noticed again that his riding clothes were clean and fresh. F.
We did do a bike ride together which was nice. And did a client dinner dinner and also an anniversary party too.
Still trying to figure out if i can outlast his A. I faltered and found OWs house that H has been at the very least consulting on. not even framed yet. This is going to take awhile.
Then I saw an ad where OW is teaching a gardening class in a couple of weeks at my college. I secretly fantasize about going and making her very uncomfortable by my presence. of course I wouldn't do it but fun to think about.
It's my birthday today. H forgot. On his way out the door this a.m. he asked "so is there anything going on today?" And I said "no....not really..."
Then kissed him goodbye and he asked again so is there anything going on today? Then I said "my birthday......" and he said "OH!!!!!!! Your birthday!" He told me to have a good day and was out the door.
Whatever. See typically, I am the planner of the birthdays, the parties, the get togethers. Even my own. I decided not to plan my own birthday this year to see what would happen.
Am having a cocktail after work with a girlfriend so that will be fun.
Not gonna make any plans with H. If he wants to drum something up...fine!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Try to have some fun.
vc
so s20 left for school this a.m. his car broke down once he got there and he was trying to reach H but said H never answers his cell phone (partly true).
H called me this a.m. and also around lunch time. He indicated he was headed to jobsite in the a.m. and then at lunch when I spoke with him he said he was picking up materials and was headed back to jobsite.
When son couldn't reach H about the car, I called and also couldn't reach him. Big surprise....he did call back about 20 minutes later. In the meantime I called the jobsite and our employee said that he hadn't seen him all day. WTF.
So when he did finally answer my call I asked "where are you?" and he got miffed that my tone was irritated and he accused me of barking at him. I didn't let him know that I called the jobsite (which I have only done twice including this time in the last 3 years when there has been an emergency).
Then he goes back to accusing me of not answering my phone (which I almost always do!).
This is what he wrote in my bday card yesterday:
"abbey, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Hope all your years are happy. You have made mine happy!! Love you!"
I am scared to confront him about what I know. You must all think that I am the biggest wimp. I am I guess. I keep trying to move forward and am not sure how to best accomplish that. GAL helps temporarily, but not when I wake up in the middle of the night sleeping next to a man who has no problems lying to me. It is always worse at night.........
OK...
So for Father's Day I bought my H a groupon for a brewery tour. How fun! Right? Our other friends bought one too so we were all set to do this tomorrow....and then H decides that he can't have any wheat and is now eating gluten free. So then I said well I guess I'll just give the tix away (I probably had a bit of an attitude) and then he said "well what do you want me to do? get sick?" Coming from a man who has been drinking beer since middle school in Colorado Springs? Come on!!!!!
Seriously! Maybe I should be posting in the MLC board too. Last fall he switched to vegetarian for a bit but it didn't last. Knew it wouldn't.
OW is conducting her gardening/soil class tomorrow at my college. She is also on all of these economic committees and farming bureaus around the county. AND....my husband is helping her build her house where she is growing plants for her business (farming). But I don't know any of this (wink).
H's final project is finishing up...conveniently located so that he can manage OW's project at the same time.... and he'll have lots of time on his hands.
Funny how he does talk about planning camping trips and stuff, and how he likes to ML (if you can even call it that)...and then still keeps on with this OW. It is going on 3 yrs now with them.
I feel I can't compete with her any longer. She is short...I am tall. She is blond...I am brunette. She is fit....I am semi?
She is a home wrecker....and I'm so not!!!
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I think things may come to a head this fall. H is always polite, kind, nice to me....but I know what he is up behind my back and that is not polite, kind and nice.
We did have a nice time cooking out last night with headlamps since like many down here our power was out! Felt like we were camping.
Song for the day: "Round of Applause" Rhianna
Worked together on the house today (it was our plan) and I knew he wouldn't "ride his bike" because OW was conducting a class today. How convenient.
Lately I am always feeling anxious because I think he feels like a caged cat. I half expected him to make some fake excuse to leave and then attend OW's stupid gardening class.....then when he didn't....I expected him to make some excuse to leave and have lunch with her.....then when he didn't, he finally did leave to run a couple of errands and FOR SURE will be calling her. "How did your class go babe?..... blah blah blah". UGH!!!! My bet for tomorrow? After our morning plans.....H will go for a motorcycle ride either to watch the football game or after the football game. For sure.
I know I need to not focus on him and I've been reading some other posts and hope to gain strength from those.
Have a nice evening.............
So surprisingly H did actually hang around ALL DAY Saturday and Sunday. he seemed distant though. He just called and said I am going to be late I am going to check on one of those Craigslist bikes I have been inquiring about for you. Always a convenient alibi. But when I called right back after D17 called to let him know what sorority she got into...he didn't pick up. knew he wouldn't. he knows I am making his favorite dinner too. I am so conflicted....it is in my nature to be nurturing and want to make it nice when he comes home....but my more devilish side wants to go crazy all crazy on him too. I think my women's intuition is too good.
When he told me where he was going...I closed my eyes and listened and could tell that he was lying.
Maybe a plate of spaghetti in the face upon arrival would shock him back to reality! He he
My posts are actually boring ME now. Sorry!!
we had a lot of fun this last weekend (all including friends)....bocce ball with italian fare on thursday, padres game and overnighter in gaslamp with s20 on saturday, train to san clemente for an outing with friends on saturday, dog beach on sunday with friends and brunch afterwards....then monday! ugh.
our computers are pretty messed up right now so we are sharing a laptop to get email. H corresponding with client about a detail on the construction job, and then client responded...."yes we all there at the job yesterday and met". to me it read that H wasn't there. and he probably wasn't. he can come and go because he is THE BOSS. whatever.
anyway, i hope you all are well. on and on and on........
H and I went camping with friends over the weekend. it was actually raining on the way there but it was beautiful. Amazing clouds mixed with bursts of sunshine, thunder and lightening. Got some great photos.
Did a great hike......slept in a tent....but no sex. I have decided not to initiate so much because he doesn't anymore. Sometimes I ask myself..."Seriously Abbey...why so glum about lack of sex....he's not all that great most of the time anyway. "
H has a new M.O. Most Mondays he has a "late" meeting.....so.....tonight is no exception.
Did I mention that I took my rings off?
Just not sure how to navigate. Feeling like we are pretty good friends, sleeping in same bed...He rarely touches me.....just want some snuggle time....I want MORE!!!!!!!!
Signing off.......a.
can I ask why you removed your rings? Are you hoping H will notice?
Hi NNP,
Well...my engagement ring I haven't worn for months now because the prong was loose and needed repair. My wedding band was so tight (I'm 15 lbs heavier than when we were married) and I couldn't even get it off. And every time I know H is probably out with OW, or talking to OW, or working on her brand new house that I'm NOT supposed to know about I look at it and just get mad. H hasn't worn his wedding ring for 2+ years now. About the same time that he started up with the skank.
So....I went to the jeweler last week and had my wedding band cut off! It felt so empowering. I am getting the engagement ring prong issue fixed and also having the wedding band re-sized. I told H and mentioned that I could get his re-sized too and he kind of swiftly changed the subject. Whatever! So I'll get the rings back and then see how I feel about putting them on again on Thursday. Every day is different.
To me what makes this whole situation almost unbearable is that whenever in the past I have asked about this OW, he gets very defensive and tells me that I don't trust him. Then he won't speak to me for days and I feel like he will bolt. SO....I suffer in silence except for this board which helps me journal. In a way it would be easier if he were flaunting his affair, staying out late, not coming home, etc....but instead....he is very sneaky and stealth. I've caught him lying about whereabouts but have never confronted him with what I know. He prides himself in being able to keep a secret. He is a kind, considerate person on the outside but also has this secretive manipulative side too.
Last night, I played the message that he left on my cell phone back in February which was actually meant for OW. I don't know why I save it. Maybe to remind myself of what a cad he is or to reinforce my belief that I am not crazy and that he IS having an affair. Do you think I should delete that message? Maybe I keep it to subconsciously torture myself more?
We ML this a.m. First time in a few weeks. I blew it and called him a bunch of times yesterday (with no answer). I think I need to read the DB book again because I know I am blowing it in many areas. I wish I could remember what it felt like not to feel this way. To wake up each morning and have a positive outlook on the day, week, year, my life.
This affair has taken its toll on me. If I knew it were over I think I could move on....but it's not over.
Would it be over in your mind if you had proof positive that the affair was ongoing, confronted him with hit, and he refused to stop?
Hi KML,
I just don't have an answer to your question! I'd like to say yes....I'd boot him out......
But then I think about our lives together, our children, friends, all that we have shared and then I think well maybe if I could just understand it or know why.........why am I not good enough?
Honestly, all of this just replays over and over and over in my head. All day long. All night long. I feel like I have been walking on eggshells for 3 years. Really hard. Early in our marriage I always felt like I could ask him anything. Now I know if I even bring up this topic, it will pretty much be another showdown (not a screaming yelling kind, but a more non-communicative, shutdown, silent treatment, sleeping on the couch kind of showdown).
Trying to balance it all. I read and read. Am reading The Purpose Driven life and also Eckhart Tolle's "New Earth" right now. Mostly read in the middle of the night when I can't sleep.
So, back to your question, I think I already have proof and lots of it. I just haven't "caught them together" or he hasn't admitted to anything.
Saturday I have a fun morning planned with friends. H will do a "bike ride". Maybe he will ride or maybe he will be with OW. Or maybe they go together. I just don't know. He has just registered for a race that happens in October. He also talked about a race that is up in Solvang and invited me to come up with him.
I wonder how he feels about keeping the truth from me? I really wonder if he feels guilty AT ALL. Honestly he can be such a nice person...he stopped to give an elderly man a lift the other day when his car broke down. He is always doing that kind of stuff.
I feel like without solid answers from him then I'm in this purgatory of "is he?" or "is he still?" or "is it over?" or what is his master plan? How does OW fit in? How do I fit in? Can this be how my life will go on for years to come?
I want to save my marriage but.......how much can a person take? I will pick up my newly repaired rings today. I mentioned it to H and he changed the subject. Again. Should I wear them or should I not? What would you do?
I was just offered a full-time job at the company that I have been consulting with. Full time with benefits.
I feel like without solid answers from him then I'm in this purgatory of "is he?" or "is he still?" or "is it over?" or what is his master plan?
I guess this is why I bring it up - perhaps it would be useful to you at this point to KNOW if he is STILL having the affair? If you knew TODAY that it was definitely still in full bloom, how would you handle it?
Is your 17 year old still at home? Could H just be waiting out the senior year of high school? (Not a bad aim, I might add).
The advantages of waiting out the affair - taking the opportunity to show your H how much you can change, how nice it could be at home, using the time to get your financial ducks in a row - all these can be important and useful. BUT - you've been doing those things for quite some long time now. If you don't like the results you are getting, it may be time to change up the game plan. If you are willing to take the risk, that might include confronting him with INCONTROVERTIBLE proof of the ONGOING affair, and kicking him out.
That might motivate him to stop the affair, if it has been waning anyway. Or it might just force him to choose, which might mean choosing her initially - which might eventually cause the fun and excitement of sneaking around to wear off while he gets jealous about you going out with new guys.
But I think first, it might benefit your own piece of mind to get a little more CURRENT CONCRETE evidence of what is or isn't going on - maybe even hire a P.I. to take pictures.
Oh - and if someone is offering you a full time job with benefits, in this economy? Take it. You'll feel much less vulnerable if you do.
Hi KML,
You are just so great! Really!!!! Thank you so much!! Nope....both kids are away at college as of late August so it is just us. D17 turns 18 in November. We are total empty nesters.
I'm going on my annual girls trip for 3 nights in early November. We are headed about 3-4 hrs away. This will be the first time the kids haven't lived at home so he will be free as a bird for the entire weekend. Not even looking forward to the trip this year even though we sure do have fun. Silly girl talk, cooking, wine, hiking, shopping, crying, etc...the only one I have confided in is my friend that was just recently divorced (she'll be on the trip). I haven't brought it up since but I wish I hadn't said anything because who knows who she has told?
Honestly KML, I have the resources and money to hire a PI, I am just terrified. I don't know if I'll be able to keep it together if I see for my own eyes. I'm really scared about that.
Feeling in a pretty fragile state. Hanging with my friends really does help though. They are all such strong women....I think about my one friend who is a cancer survivor and now runs marathons....and my other friends who run their own businesses...or are corporate executives...or environmentalists. We are all so like minded it is scary. I don't know what I would do without my friends!!!
I plan to accept the job offer if we can come to terms on salary. They offered a bit less than what I make as a consultant but I know that it is the right thing to do. I am still managing the office at our own business. One of the nights that I was up late and couldn't sleep H asked why....and I said I was just worried about work and the business....and the next day he said that he would start doing all of the office work and that he didn't want me to worry. I told him NO...I like doing it and will still do it. We dropped it at that point. I think it makes sense that I know what is going on financially so...for now....I'm still fulling involved.
KML...I just really really want to thank you. I may just do the PI thing and meet with the lawyer to do some information gathering.....I'm not sure when I will feel ready to just do it! Definitely thinking about it though. Just scared.
I picked up my rings today and put them on. They haven't looked this good since the day we were married. So sparkly.
So as of middle of this week, my H has no official money making projects. Received final inspection on the last project that we had in the works. Of course........not talking about the house that he is consulting on and helping to build for free (OWs groovy 1700 ft mountain view home). This he does for free.
SO....all of the time that I KNOW goes into managing a custom home project and he is doing this for free (or maybe there are non-monetary benefits). It just *isses me off. So now he is hustling to get some more jobs while giving up his valuable time to that skanky college administrator *lut.
Sorry....I'm just upset. We have two kids away in college. We have to pay for all of this! And he is giving away his time.
hmmmm...too bad you can't sue OW for ...something. grrrrrr
Lol - too bad you can't go to OW's construction site and do something sneaky that would result in major problems a year or two down the road. (I'm bad, I know)
How about you send her a consulting invoice?
I know! Believe me......I have thought about how I could upset her apple cart.....Trying to take the high road but it is hard. I SO want to call her up or send her a note to back off. She makes my stomach sick.
But...revenge is not a very attractive quality is it?
Fun to think about though!
Now that is something I haven't thought of! I like the way you think!! Hmmm mm will have to ponder that. Wouldn't they both be surprised!
H is clueless that I know he is helping her with house. kind of pathetic really. Anyone with basic Internet skills can find out what I know. seriously.
I am getting to the point where I don't believe ANYTHING he says. Pretty sucky huh?
I had this crazy dream last night.....
DREAM:
I confronted OW and she admitted everything (and then I thought she was kind of cool...in my dream). Then I confronted H (in the dream) and he said he was going to sleep in the car.
I woke up and thought that it was SO FUNNY. He SHOULD sleep in the car! he he.
After months and months and months of no emotional connection (emotional intimacy), it's wearing on me. Gonna seek out meds.
Just returned from walk with dog....H had gone to gym early...5:30ish. I walked in from walk with pooch and he had written me this note:
"Hi Babe (since when does he call me that? he calls OW "Babe"),
Sorry I missed you...maybe I will pass you on your walk.....
Love you
Then I walked in just as he was leaving and he told me I should really bring my cell phone...in case of an emergency or if the kids were trying to reach me. I wanted to laugh in his face! The kids know they can almost always reach me....but not him. What a joke. I was walking the dog and didn't have any pockets and didn't bring it. Big deal! Gone at most for an hour. Seriously.....he never answers his cell phone for hours (I'm talkin 5+ on the weekends.) WHATEVER!
Venting as usual....
Hey! It is raining! Love it.......
So last night...was helping H get paperwork together for a prospective client meeting tonight. Pulled up his reference list and we edited them together one by one...THEN...came to the former couple (H's now OW and her former husband). He said to KEEP him (her ex-husband) on the list and delete her. I said definitely get rid of her and I pounded on the keys to remove her sorry *ss name, email and phone number. I think he felt uncomfortable. And the computer locked up while all of this was happening.
Looking back...I should have said...
....well shouldn't she stay on the list? Afterall, she would probably be a GREAT reference for you since you have helped her out so much.....
If only I had that quicker comeback. Instead it just triggered all of the emotions and I got myself upset and he just tried to act normal. WEIRD.
Just returned from walk with dog....H had gone to gym early...5:30ish. I walked in from walk with pooch and he had written me this note:
"Hi Babe (since when does he call me that? he calls OW "Babe"),
Sorry I missed you...maybe I will pass you on your walk.....
Love you
Then I walked in just as he was leaving and he told me I should really bring my cell phone...in case of an emergency or if the kids were trying to reach me. I wanted to laugh in his face! The kids know they can almost always reach me....but not him. What a joke. I was walking the dog and didn't have any pockets and didn't bring it. Big deal! Gone at most for an hour. Seriously.....he never answers his cell phone for hours (I'm talkin 5+ on the weekends.) WHATEVER!
Venting as usual....
Hey! It is raining! Love it.......
I guess you are really close to me you must be from LA.
Yeah...typical behavior from one extreme to the next you just never know
H met with prospective client the other night. Client has a distinctive last name that H recognized from California history, and he mentioned to him this GREAT BOOK that he read about California history as it began in Spain/Mexico. H always talks about this book. It was a gift from OW before she was divorced from her H. I should have realized back then something was going on.
He loaned the book out and he kept saying "I wish I could remember the name of that book. I can find out." Well... sure he can.......OW has a copy of the same book. He knows that I know that she gave him the book so I just give him a blank stare when he raves about it. Back when it was in our bookcase I had a good mind to throw it out!
Anyway, hoping H gets this job. It is in complete other direction from where OW is building her house. Won't be as convenient for him to stop by.
So now I am guessing he occupies his day managing her project (for free) and then I guess working on the bid for this new job. But where he works on that I have no idea. Not in the home office.
I asked H if he wanted to fool around this a.m. and instead he said I'm going to the gym but when I get back. I shouldn't say or offer anything should I?
I like what Kaffe Diem said in a post that I read: "Your best bet is to thought stop, detach and stay out of your emotions regarding your H". Good advice.
On that note...headed to the gym!
I guess you are really close to me you must be from LA.
Yeah...typical behavior from one extreme to the next you just never know
Hi luvless....nope from North County San Diego area. We had quite a storm this week! Hope you are well!
We had quite a storm this week!
Haha - translation for those of you who don't live here - we actually had some real live rain for a couple of days.
(I ALMOST had to use my umbrella - and I actually put on my fleece pullover once!)
I started my full-time job this week. Empowering! Even though it is half the pay that I was making 5 years ago before being laid off from my corporate banking job when our office closed......
Still.....It feels good bringing home the bacon.
so since H hasn't had much work this last week, he has been acting stranger than usual. or maybe he is around more so i notice it.
1) back to his working out twice a day (same as when he started up with OW)
2) i came home from work because i forgot my new hire paperwork on the counter and when i walked in, he was in the office and i heard him slam the laptop shut. later....noticed he had visited a porn website. ugh. but....i get it i guess. better that than OW.
3) he acts like a CAGED CAT. seriously! he came home today about the same time as me, and he wanted us to do a bike ride together....but i told him i have a meeting with all of my GFs to plan our girl's trip. so he went on a "bike ride" alone and said he was going to get a drink. whatever!
my girl's trip is in a few weeks. part of me wants to double back and catch him NOT at our house that weekend....but then i think about all the fun i'll be missing not going with my friends to wine country.
Hmmmmmm.......decisions......WINE AND FRIENDS.....or....
CATCHING A CHEATER.......what would you choose?
new job is boring but now have great benefits. have to plan fun things to look forward to or i'll go crazy sitting in an office 8 hrs a day looking at a computer.
xo, abbey
Hmmmmmm.......decisions......WINE AND FRIENDS.....or....
CATCHING A CHEATER.......what would you choose?
I'd go with the wine and friends - and hire a P.I. to catch the cheater while I was gone.
...and what would happen if you caught him? red handed? what then? how would you change what you are doing?
Do you really want to know?
If so, go on your girlfriends weekend and have the time of your life... and hire a PI to get real answers about what your H is doing.
Hi NNP,
Eek....I know. I know in my heart.
Did I mention that on Thursday night, I met with my girlfriends to plan our girl's trip....we were at a house just two houses up the street. H called my cell phone a bunch of times and i didn't answer (phone in purse) and didn't hear it ring....but then around 11:30 my friend did answer HER cell phone....she passed it to me.......and H just said that I should never give him any *rap about not answering his phone. SO NOT THE SAME THING. He is gone most Saturdays, alone, for hours at a time.....I was at a friends house, he knew where I was and I didn't hear the phone ringing. SO NOT THE SAME THING. When I got home, I kind of confronted him when he said that I shouldn't "hassle him" about not answering his phone. SERIOUSLY??!!!! I said "Come on...X....you know you can't be reached for 3,4,5 or even 6 hours at a time EVERY Saturday. He did let that go. I couldn't sleep that night. He is a manipulator.
I was thinking about it today, 3 years ago, he said that "you don't trust me and you always think I'm doing something else".....well YEAH! He is. Full on, I have proof he is helping OW with her house. He is a liar. It is so hurtful.
So....headed for Vegas at the break of dawn.
I am living with Jekyll and Hyde. Or maybe that is me? ugh....
A.
We are back from Vegas. Had a fun trip with 3 other couples. Dancing, dinners, drinks, etc... exhausting!
Back to work today. He asked me a few times over the weekend when my "girl's trip" was. It is the first weekend in November, but I just answer in early Nov. I'm sure he is planning some fab weekend with OW. Should I even go on this trip? Am I making it too easy? Do I really want to live like this with this lack of trust? It really bites.
Lately whenever we travel and he doesn't have access to his other secret phone, there are calls from numbers like 9999999999 or 00045653....obviously alias numbers.
Do I really want to live like this with this lack of trust? It really bites.
I still vote for the P.I.
Lately whenever we travel and he doesn't have access to his other secret phone, there are calls from numbers like 9999999999 or 00045653....obviously alias numbers.
Ummm..ok. I'm such a Luddite, I can't figure this one out. How do you get other numbers to show up when you call??? And why wouldn't you make them realistic looking numbers? You may be over-reading this?
Hi Abbey
I've been reading along with your posts for a long time, but I think this is the first time I've posted to you.
I was thinking of you last night when I was out a dinner with a girlfriend and her "boyfriend". This "boyfriend" is married.
My friend is a successful, single woman. She’s outgoing, gorgeous, fun, independent. She doesn’t need to date married men, but he pursued her mercilessly and she claims she “fell in love with him for all he had to tolerate in his ‘life-of-quiet-desperation’ at home in his unsatisfying marriage.” (puke)
Tbe affair has been going on for a couple of years, he’s involved in her life, he helps her with stuff on her house, they socialize with her group, he’s met her family and is part of her friendship group. For all intents and purposes they are a couple. They get on really well and she claims it’s the best sex she’s ever had. They told me last night that he has decided he's going to leave his wife after Christmas, and he's saving and figuring out the financial stuff now.
Here's the kicker. He hasn't shared that important piece of information with his wife.
I called my girlfriend this morning to ask her “WTF?” – and she claims that he and his wife live like old friends, they rarely make love, their kids are almost grown up, and he thinks that she’ll be shocked at first, but she’ll get over it because she doesn’t “love” him in a romantic way anyway. She said that the wife “knows” about the affair but the OM and his wife don’t talk about it. Apparently he perceives that’s because she doesn’t really care. (I would say it’s because she’s too upset and angry with him to know what to say)
You and I both know that this will come as a horrible shock to his wife and she’ll be devastated. My friend and her lover don’t seem to appreciate it.
The reason I thought of you is that I worry that while you and your H are not talking about this, you don’t have a clue where you stand. There are serious implications for you if he decides to change his life without discussing it with you.
Be careful Abbey. Your husband is treating you very badly and goodness knows what is going on in his head. You need to protect yourself, just in case.
KML,
I Know! Agreed..........Just need to "man up". Scared about even considering the PI and legal situation...I get this serious adrenaline rush (fight or flight) even thinking about THAT and ALL of it.
xo, A.
Hi Abbey
The reason I thought of you is that I worry that while you and your H are not talking about this, you don’t have a clue where you stand. There are serious implications for you if he decides to change his life without discussing it with you.
Be careful Abbey. Your husband is treating you very badly and goodness knows what is going on in his head. You need to protect yourself, just in case.
Thankyou Virginia...
Ugh don't know where I stand....you are right! I flip-flop back and forth....strong athletic mountain climbing gal to wimpy clingy empty nester wife....back and forth.
We have to take the good with the bad I suppose.
In my case:
GOOD:
1) Great provider and father
2) Adventurous & outdoorsy
3) Easy going
BAD:
1) Secretive
2) Dishonest
3) Cheater
A.
Wow, walking... that's a very interesting story... I have to say that I don't ever remember having friends who were dating married people... maybe because in a "normal" world, I wouldn't tolerate it... I'm glad you spoke to your friend...
And further interesting, how your GF (the OW) is being told "how things are" regarding this WAH and his LBW... she is only hearing one side...
And going even further, how that LBW could very well be here talking with us and trying hard to DB... but the WAH is just so enraptured by the OW/gf that he is clueless to his W's trauma...
*sigh*... perspective, perspective, perspective... no matter how you slice it, this kind of stuff is just horrible...
*sigh*... perspective, perspective, perspective... no matter how you slice it, this kind of stuff is just horrible...
It IS horrible...and demeaning...
xo, a.
Hi Abbey
I've been reading along with your posts for a long time, but I think this is the first time I've posted to you.
Thank you so much for your note. Seriously could be my story (from the other side!). UGH.
To catch up....
I feel like I'm having a mini-breakdown (although to me it doesn't feel mini). Plodding along for 3 years.....trying to DB and doing well sometimes with that....and sometimes not so well. Lately, it has been very tough. So...I scheduled a talk with a DB coach tomorrow and then I have a dr. appt. monday to finally get some depression meds. I've put it off and put it off (worried about side effects - whatever they may be!).
Had a bit of a low spot on Sunday with H. I have not been the best DB'er of late. I find myself feeling SO ANGRY, SO SAD, SO RESENTFUL.
When H left for his "bike ride" on Saturday around 7am, he said I'll see you this a.m. and said he wasn't going for a long ride. Then I didn't hear from him until almost 2pm. So I called a couple of times around noonish but didn't leave a message.
Later...ended up cooking dinner with S20 who was home from college while H went to the gym (even after a "45 mile bikeride") H is back in his full body shaving groove. Whatever.
On Sunday....H verbalized what I was thinking. He said...."You're not happy when I'm not here....and you're not happy when I am here". I actually thought those same thoughts that morning. I apologized and said that I was just hormonal and feeling sad that D17 was gone and blah blah blah.
I realized that H is seeing me now as this depressed (which I now believe I am) woman. This is the excuse the OW gave for leaving her then H (apparently he was dealing with depression). Do you think that they have ANY CLUE at all that cheating on a spouse is maybe THE WORST pain that can be inflicted on a person? I don't think they get it. I was never depressed before living with a CHEATER. It takes its toll.
So...on Sunday when we were watching the Charger game, H pulled out his laptop and was surfing and surfing the internet (couldn't see) but I finally asked "so are you shopping for something?" (this was after at least an hour or more on the internet). H said "no, just checking IKEA for kitchen cabinets...my prospective client is considering using them". I said "REALLY!!!!" Knowing that the client that he is bidding a job for would NEVER go for IKEA cabinetry. COME ON!!!! But OW would. I would imagine that as a college administrator she would be on a tight budget. I believe he was researching all that time for cabinets for his OW and her groovy new house.
At that moment,I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT! I JUST BOLTED FROM THE ROOM. Passive aggressive I suppose. H doesn't KNOW that I KNOW that he is helping OW with her house. Most likely "their" future house together. That's when he made the comment about me not being happy when he's there and when he's not.
Then I feel guilty....sad...SO TIRED OF THIS!!!
So, plan for the week is to try to get it together. DB coach, and meds. seriously.
a.
Hello Abbey,
I can remember the pain and anxiety I felt when I went through this with my husband. I remember the advice I received and how hard it was to follow. Looking back on it now, I am just frustrated that I did not do it sooner.
In your post, you talk about what your husband thinks about you. I would say he thinks one of two things..either you know about the OW and must not care or you would have said something by now, or, he has got you fooled because he has been cheating on you for 3 years and you have not caught him. Stop letting him disrespect you.
You need to go on your trip and hire the PI. Take the proof, because you now it will be there, and confront him. Tell him he has X number of days to get his things out of your house and that your lawyer will be contacting him soon.
Before then, if he says something about you not being happy, tell him that women that have cheating husbands usually are not happy. Do not respond to his replies. Decide what you are going to say and say it. When he tries the why, what about this, but you etc...reply that some of that might be true but you married and married people are not supposed to have girlfriends. Keep saying that until he realizes he cannot manipulate you. Stay strong.
Why would he change his behavior when he is getting everything he wants? You take care of the business and his home while she takes care of his fun and sex. He has it made. Until you upset his apple cart, he is not going to change.
I am divorced now and my husband still runs from one woman to the other. Do I wish that we were together still? Yes. But I learned that my self respect and the example I set to my children are the most important things.
I was never depressed before living with a CHEATER. It takes its toll.
Meds cannot make him into a faithful husband.
Seriously - although antidepressants have their place, they should not be used to just dull the pain of a situation YOU CAN CHANGE. You don't have to live with this pain any longer. Get the PI and the proof (just so that he can no longer deny and he won't be able to make you think you're crazy) then boot him and get yourself a HAPPY life!
Note - I don't say this because I think all hope is lost. Actually, I think there might be a good chance he would turn around when faced with the reality of losing you - or he might come crawling back once he's consumed with jealousy at the thought of other men enjoying your company.
But you just can't go on like this, it's destroying you, and for no good reason. You've had plenty of time to show him how good the marriage could be, Now it is time to change tactics.
I am divorced now and my husband still runs from one woman to the other. Do I wish that we were together still? Yes. But I learned that my self respect and the example I set to my children are the most important things.
THIS ^
Hi Abbey
I've been thinking of you and wondering how you are going.
Trust all is well in your world
((V))
Hi there,
Well....I had a phone meeting with DB coach a couple of weeks ago (got some great support and ideas to cope). Started my depression meds last week.....I don't think they've kicked in yet. I have learned that struggling through everything that has been going on, and trying to do it by myself (with no support) has been draining me and has caused my depression symptoms. I have only told one person and we haven't discussed it again although she did ask how "we" were doing on our girl's trip last weekend.
I didn't hire the PI over the weekend that I was gone. I decided to just go with my friends and have a blast and that is what we did. No mention of any of this. We went wine tasting, stayed in a lovely home in Los Olivos, cooked, laughted, drank champagne, played silly board games, and even watched the big Alabama v. LSU game. Stopped in Santa Barbara on the way home for a lovely lunch at my favorite spot (Boat House - Hendry's Beach). Most awesome weekend! I did arrive home, H had the house cleaned up which was very nice. He was also rather amorous.
I told the DB coach about H's other infidelities (at least I think he had at least two others earlier in our marriage). I also told her that he hadn't told me that he was married before until after I had already accepted his marriage proposal. She seemed quite struck by that. He had been married very young at the age of 19 and then divorced about a year later. She wondered why it was that he didn't think he could tell me about his prior marriage until after I had already accepted his proposal. Something to ponder..........
The holiday season is soon upon us. I wish you all well!
He had been married very young at the age of 19 and then divorced about a year later. She wondered why it was that he didn't think he could tell me about his prior marriage until after I had already accepted his proposal. Something to ponder..........
Doesn't seem all that odd - he may have been somewhat embarrassed by his early failed marriage, and felt it was so short as to be of little consequence? BUT - it doesn't speak well for his level of honesty. Is he generally lacking in the honesty department in OTHER areas of his life, that don't have to do with you?
Hi abbey-
Your thread is very large, please start a new one.
Thanks,
dbmod