The Girl With the Weight of the World in Her Hands

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Whew. I just put up the Monster post of the world on my blog. It took all morning to get out, it's been rattling around in my head for a day or so and I needed to get it 'on paper' and look at it. I'll copy/paste it here since I am WIPED OUT for further posting for today. (insert emotionally-exhausted-smiley face here). As always, your thoughts and 2x4's are welcome.

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Our holiday was quite bad, and once again I slipped and fell (hard, and in front of his family) in my efforts to not be a complete a$$.

A little back info: two Saturdays ago, my MIL confronted me at the end of a daylong visit re: my wanting to leave the marriage. She hit a few hot buttons, for example: that what I thinking of doing was as bad, if not worse, than what The Husband had done. I was so shocked by this one statement that I was agog for the rest of the time she spoke. And of course she touched on what a divorce would do to the children (the whole argument we all gave The Husband when it was his turn to want out last year). Anyway, the inlaws left shortly thereafter and went home, and this no doubt contributed to triggering my inner Butthead for the next two days, although it is ultimately my responsibility for how I act. I spewed forth upon my spouse, myself, and my God, culminating in the horror show that was the i-can-see-the-end of the marriage last week, when I posted for prayer and ya'll were so gracious to offer it.

So. Forward to Thanksgiving. I had previously said I would not be coming to the inlaws, but acquiesced to The Husband's gracious request for me to join he and the children there. He also requested that I speak to his mother about what she'd said to me. I agreed, and thought it all completely reasonable.

Then we arrived ... I had been irritable on the drive down (and earlier that a.m.) getting more uncomfortable at the whole thought of whatthehellamigoingtodo, howcanihandlethis...

So we arrive and I go into 'hide' mode, and basically don't speak to his parents for about oh, hours. Just avoid them, read a magazine, worry with the children's whereabouts, etc. My invisible force field of "Protect Thyself" went up (insert sci-fi sound effect here), and basically I looked like a complete b!tch, even though it was discomfort that motivated me (or should I say un-motivated me to act correctly). The Husband told me later that my behavior completely embarrassed him. To add insult to injury, we forgot my nice holiday clothes so I am in my travel wear for dinner, and feel like a complete and total Loser. The Lord continues to strip away any residual layers of pride.

I did go to my MIL before dinner (way too late for decency, timeframe-wise) and tell her that I was sorry but what she had said hurt my feelings, and she had no idea what this year had been like, or what we were going through, to pass judgment, that there is a reason the Bible allows for divorce in the case of adultery, and she was speaking from a place of ignorance. She did say that she had not meant to imply anything about my character, but then went on to basically repeat most of what she'd said the week prior, and I just nodded my head, because whatthehell, I'd already been an a$$ all day.

So the entire 24 hours there were a nightmare as far as my behavior and basic irritability. Then we come home and the previously quiet-at-the-time Husband rips into me (rightfully so) about my behavior, I get defensive, and we are once again at Square Zero because he sees no change in my heart about being an irritable, blame-deflecting-at-all-costs b!tch.

So. We are now, once again, to re-evaluate this marriage, and my emotional attitude in it, after the holidays (which, incidentally, is one year since this whole affair exploded into our lives). And OMGosh, suddenly the holidays are actually upon us, and I feel numb (Christmas is in four weeks? really?) and it's moving so fast.

Only God can change our hearts now, as well as our behavior.

The Husband is thoughtful, civil, pleasant, and polite, and I appreciate him for that. I have finally come to see piecing-the-marriage-together-after-a-crisis for the Marathon that it truly is (ironically, perhaps too late). I no longer feel the compunction to be jumping up and down like a petulant toddler demanding my needs be met. I don't expect anything for quite some time, as I've pushed this man to his limits and I honestly wonder if he has any warm feelings left for me deep down. Let me just reiterate that I DO NOT blame him for that. Ya'll haven't been here to see the ugliness I can throw. It's been going on for years. It came from my FOO (family of origin) and I brought it with me here. Again, we both have baggage. Mine was downright mean, and tenacious in its hold over me.

I'm just hanging on to God's promises right now, because my own efforts have proved extremely hazardous to my world. Making decisions and acting based solely on my FEELINGS has been my downfall. Please learn from my mistakes; it's impulsive and exhausting, and one of the main reasons I am staring the end of my marriage full in the face. If I could turn back time to mid-May (or hell, years earlier, since we're wishing), and stop the slippery slope of demands, expectations, entitlements, and beating-the-emotional-sh!t-out-of-my-husband that I have done, we might be in a much better place right now. I can't believe it's been a year.

But here's the weird blessing in it all:
I have been (tentatively) released from a real emotional prison I've carried with me for years. It's very difficult to explain but since, oh, forever, I've been a dance-fast-enough-so-they-won't-see-the-real-me kind of gal. Worked well for the outside world but not at all with my husband. Because meanwhile, I'm pushing down some big ball of tension/pain/ick in the background. The big ball was the size of a classroom globe that I was holding down with both hands, while trying to simultaneously ignore it. May not make sense to you, but that's my most accurate way to describe it. That definition came from a therapist we had about 6+ years ago. true, that.

So we pointed a spotlight at the big Ball O' Crap I was pushing down, and yet I had no idea what it WAS - but it was exposed. Sometimes it shrunk, sometimes not, but everpresent. And here I was, pushing it out of the way, staying busy, and not looking at it.

Then my life comes apart, a lot of it my fault on the way there, but The Husband is unfaithful and turns his back on the marriage for a time. For whatever reason, this brutally exposes my insides. I am ripped inside out in a way that is completely un-knowable to those who have not been there. But that first explosion rips the globe from my hands because there is finally something else critical enough for me to drop it and run toward. I actually didn't even notice it was gone for a few months, I was so caught up in the pressing issues, my self-exposure, looking at my faults in the marriage and owning many of them for the first time, regardless of what happened to the relationship in the end.

But then forward movement (no matter how snail-paced) is grinding to a halt, most of it due to my impatience and myopic point of view. And I stop 'evolving' - I get back on the blame and avoidance wagon. Yeah, I might have done that, BUT LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME. By constantly pointing away from my oh-so-real faults and at the high-profile affair, I could be the martyr in this marriage and not have to change. Oh, pity me, do what I want.

Anyway, months later I sort of notice that I'm not holding this globe/pit of tension down with all my strength BUT that there is a fist-sized ball of tension settled in my chest. One I work to ignore, as per usual, but is very much there all the time. And I make my merry efforts to dance around it, resume my selfish demands of The Husband, and be quick to point out all that he is NOT doing, all the ways I am NOT happy, and generally being my own speedbump (again) on the road to a real relationship.

Then two more explosions rock my world. One that I alluded to when I asked for your prayers last weekend, and this stupid Thanksgiving holiday where I am a jacka$$ with almost complete disregard for anyone else's feelings. And somewhere in the middle of all of that, my fist-sized knot has disappeared. I can't even conjure it up (and yes, I am just that stupid to have tried to give myself the anxious thoughts that produce it, just to see where it is, if it's going to return).

So my first-draft Theory of WhatTheHellWasIt will no doubt sound dumb as hell. And I really don't care because people, this sh!t has been plaguing me since I was a teenager. I'm trying to work it all out 20+ years later, so cut me some slack: I think that ball was fear. Useless, not-really-substantiated, more-powerful-than-it-sounds fear. I expect to refine this conclusion as I mull it over, but it was the fear that Who I Really Am is NOT Worth Knowing, Loving, or Exploring Deeply.

So I think I danced around that fear, acted like I didn't have it, and presented something only Partly Me to the world. And also to my husband. But the Lord gifted him with SUCH discernment about me, that my sh!t didn't fly with The Husband for long. Fortunately, thankfully, he still loved me while interacting with the dancing, deflecting, defensive weirdness that was my former self. Until he didn't.

And finally, finally, I appreciate all he has tolerated and had hoped to pierce through -even if it is too late for him to ever feel love for me again. I appreciate his prior feelings and his prior efforts, even if he cannot muster another go at it now. I will 21-gun salute him always for how he tried when I didn't try, and how he saw truth when I didn't see it.

There is a girl inside me that is real, a girl I really like, who -when I daydream about my life-I see as myself. I haven't been able to get her from the inside of me to the outside world. Part of what hurt me so much about the infidelity, is that I know in my heart that the good things he saw in she-who-shall-not-be-named that appealed to him, and what he felt for her, I HAD IT IN ME TO BE -had I been able to jump the emotional hurdle and get the Best Me out of my head and into my marriage.

But the fear had been in the way. Or something. It may still be, I don't pretend to know all that yet. I am just having some real conversations with myself, and trying to find Truth -not just my fcuked up interpretation of Truth as I've tried to mold it. To quit trying to squeeze The Husband like a roll of Charmin to get what I want from him, while I stubbornly held out and wouldn't give him what he wanted.

I'm just (somehow, bizarrely) content to rest in the promises of God, since I am crap on my own strength. The fact that I turned my back on Him in anger, frustration, and selfishness, and yet He still scooped me up when I called to Him in desperation is very humbling. He comforts me. He calms me. He is right beside me. No matter what happens. Regardless of what I've done, what I may still do, or how I seem to try to, I cannot turn Him away from me. He still reaches for me, even when I've pushed all mortals away. The thought continues to bring me to tears, because it astounds me. It is so NOT what I've known. Because, by gum, when I get it in my sick mind to push you away, trust me, you will eventually go. Ask The Husband. But not The Lord. I cannot verbalize how I want to curl up in a ball and thank Him for that.

The one thing I AM trying to do is exactly the OPPOSITE of my immediate reaction to things. If I feel compelled to say something, I shut up. If I don't want to do or say something, I do or say it. And oddly enough, there's a real peace in that because I'm not relying on my motivations about it. But unlike before, I am NOT doing anything with a Look-At-Me-And-Give-Me-Brownie-Points kind of expectation. I am waaaaay in the Red on brownie points and I have no false illusions that any efforts would even REGISTER on The Husband's radar for some time. And rightfully so.

I just want to be consistent, and not crazy-making. And that's going to take MUCH TIME to erase my actions of the last year.

I am praying for these feelings to stick, this self-awareness to be real, for the ability to be consistent, to be capable of stepping on my inner Drama Queen should she raise her head. And to find that great person I know is inside and bring her out here. I know The Husband would enjoy her, and he deserves that chance to.

WOW! Were we seperated at birth? That is EXACTLY where I am right now. Keep the faith. One thing I have accepted is that my hubby saw through the act and he STILL stayed. So this is no big revelation to him only to me. Now we just have to try to make things right. All we can do is try to atone. When the ties that bind are that strong they don't get cut as easily as you think. I said to my husband just tonight I know regardless of what you say that you still love me. He is living with OW BTW. He said but I don't like you right now.
Sounds bad but hey I'll take it. He may not like me right now but give me a couple months

Keep on praying and working on you.

Long post warning...

It's been a week since I've posted; so hard to get thru all this stuff (and the thought of rehashing it in my tee-tiny spare time just depressed me)...

H has quit MC, and now our MC has turned into my IC. I knew H would chew on that 'grief work' stuff and consider it irrelevant. I kind of did too, as we have both worked thru our parental/childhood crap ad nauseum, and I wanted more SBT this go-round (which, up to now, I thought we were getting in MC for the most part).

Yet I mentioned my reluctance in the MC session, and H always agrees to everything in MC and then realizes later he doesn't agree (other example: the Action Plan of several months ago that went nowhere).

The grief work he hadn't done was his anger toward ME, and that started to come out on the eve before our MC session scheduled for this week. He called me while he was out and told me to cancel the MC -that he was not going to be subjected to more finger-pointing, especially this week (anniversary of the affair and firing), and that no one realizes that our M was in a bad place pre-A, and that everyone only looks at him and sees the A and me as its victim.

He ended up yelling in his frustration, and I sat on the other end of the phone nodding my head b/c I really have been waiting (in the back of my mind) for this outburst. And I do feel it is righteous anger, not malicious or uncalled for anger. He's been so shamed over his A, that I think he didn't feel he was ALLOWED to be mad at me for turning him in to his boss and losing his job. Yes, he had the A, which is why he lost his job, and he cops to that, but I also betrayed him by turning him in before it even became physical and not going to him first.

And our financial situation is HORRIBLE (more in a minute). So he vented on the phone as he was driving home, and when he got home, we stayed up and talked about it some more. He is done with MC, until such a time as he deems it something he wants to work on.

He cannot trust that, although I have been 'fine' for 2 weeks, that when a sticky, threatening-to-me situation arises at some point that I will not revert to my vicious-to-him self in another 2 weeks, 2 months, or 2 years. He doesn't trust that I can change, as this cycle has been ongoing for many years. He is right. I do NOT disagree with where he's coming from. Had he treated me like I have him, I would have left long ago.

I validated him, and agreed that there are no words that I could possibly say that would change his mind, as I've said words before and nothing changed. That I would not be making any excuses or justifications for my past behaviors, and that if he could not stay in this M, I understood but did want to stay M to him.

So the next day, I go to C alone and even our C agreed that I had to get okay with my stuff with or without my H/M. So we're starting the process, and talked mostly about me. I was very careful not to make it a H-bashing session, which I could have easily done. It was about me and my stuff, my R with my kids, my parallels to my mother that frighten me, etc.

I came home from C, and H was there and asked me about it. I told him, and he seemed quite pleased about the content of the session and thanked me several times for going and he knows it's going to be hard, etc. I go back on Tuesday for the last C before Christmas.

Fast forward to last night. Our finances, I have alluded to several times, are in the toilet due to our sudden loss of income last year. I returned to work, but the lag time between jobs and the lesser income I make has forced us to charge up the CC's and go thru our retirement money.

Creditors are calling non-stop, and to make a long story short, we were going to do a debt-settlement thing, where a company settles your debt with each company and you pay them for years at a lesser payment, and your credit is screwed for a long time. Well, we didn't sign the agreement (found out some things that made us uncomfortable, and found a different company we wanted to go with) and sent them a certified letter that we wanted to back out, and put a stop payment on our bank account so they couldn't draw the first large up-front payment out. Well, long story short, they took the money out of our account - our stop-payment apparently didn't work/wasn't instituted in time, and we are dead broke and auto-payments are going to come out of our already negative account and completely screw us more. Plus, none of our creditors have been paid and we're a month+ behind b/c of this process. Whee!

SO.

I come home from a verrrry hard 12-hour day at work to a completely despondent H who just found out all that stuff yesterday while I was gone. He is on the sofa with a stone face, saying we're screwed, we will never recover financially, we're going to have to file bkrptcy and sell the house eventually, God is punishing him for his wrong decisions just like his parents always punished him for them, he has ruined our lives, our children's lives, he can't look them in the face, etc etc.

I vainly attempted to comfort, knowing that he didn't maliciously make any wrong decisions, I would have done the same thing, it seemed like a good idea. The children are so much happier this year having him home with them, etc. I went over and hugged him, just to give him some physical reassurance but it was like hugging a mannequin. I expected that, and kept my arms around him anyway.

He left for a drive b/c he was so upset and had been looking at the children's faces all day and couldn't take it. Came back not long after and said: ironically, we don't have enough gas for a drive and no money to get more.

It gets worse.

He comes to bed around 3am and has BROKEN HIS NOSE. He tripped going down the basement stairs and fell face first on the concrete (unfinished bsmnt). Blood everywhere, cut on his nose, he re-aligned the nose, in a lot of pain, OMGosh how much worse could it get? (plus, our two kids are sick) I want to get him seen medically but we CAN'T AFFORD IT. ugh.

Please pray for H's fracture to be uncomplicated; I keep checking him this a.m. to make sure he's still breathing okay (worried about a posterior bleed), and that God would stop the emotional bleeding here. I still have my peace, for some odd reason (am I just in denial?), no matter what. I know God doesn't want this for us, I just keep wondering what we're supposed to learn here exactly. And poor H. What kind of additional brokenness does the Lord require before we see the end of the tunnel?

I found this post on a blog I stumbled across, and thought it was really well-written:

I cannot deny that I have yet to be honest about the demons that rage inside of my mind, but it is difficult.

My mind is like a giant white wall that has been vandalized with all sorts of gross graffiti, and God has given me more than enough paintbrushes and paint to restore it. I paint, and paint, but then I get tired... and weep to my friends: "this wall is dirty, and it used to be white!" They tell me: "take those paintbrushes and fix it then." I know that they are right, and I know how to do it... it just takes a lot of time and labor. I like to go visit my friends with white walls and pretend that I've finished cleaning mine, and that I'm just like them. But it's a lie, and every time I go back to look at it, I want to weep again.

So, here I am... called to take up the brush once more. Wretched, but not yet rendered useless.

Hi BI,
Thanks for checking in on me.
Just so you know you are not alone...
Last year I used to watch kids out of our house. Once I found out about H's A I was completely crushed and became sad and despondent. I was worthless to my own kids yet alone the kids I was paid to take care of so I quit. All the while my H was charging up the cards with all his going out. Then I started charging things like groceries, etc. because we had no cash.
Fast forward to now and we have one hell of a mountain of debt. We have been trying to do a debt consolidation since Oct. and have been getting the royal run around from this company. Discover calls about every 30 minutes, ugh....

All this adds to the pressure of trying to rebuild our marriage. Strangley I am ok too, maybe in denial as well, but I trust that everything will eventually work out.

sweetheart, I'm so sorry this is happening now)))))))))))) you will be in my prayers at every change I get to pray.
I'm also w/a few cc loaded with stuff, I even used the ccs I cut! I pray God provides for you to pay, and if not, even if you have to sell your house, that in the long run you get back on your feet.
My cousin had to sell her place too, after her H got them deep in debt thought his A, and after 2yrs of living in an appartment they got a nicer place than before, it happened on God's timing, not hers, hang in there my friend))))

I know we women rely so much on physical touch, and we would like to be held when we feel bad, remember that men don't think that way, that isn't the way they feel comforted, so don't feel bad when he doesn't respond to your hugs.

One day at a time BI, one day at a time.

Haven't been here in several days, and thought I'd copy yesterday's blog post here to update you a little. I got some really insightful comments on this post, I was impressed and encouraged by it.

The night is about over, dawn is about to break. Be up and awake to what God is doing! God is putting the finishing touches on the salvation work he began when we first believed. Romans 13:12 (Msg)

...so I got that going for me...

I've been running too hard on my hamster wheel, of work and to-do lists, to take the time to compose a thorough post about what's up over here in Stepford. I have missed having that 'mulling over' time, which is now reserved for the 10 minutes listening to my iPod plugged into my car radio on the way to work and back. Lots of overtime the last few weeks, so lots of 10-minute mulling sessioins.

It's 50-50 (or more?) that we will be separating after the holidays, but that discussion won't be finalized until we're done making merry here at Christmas. I hope we do not, but I don't have a leg to stand on anymore. Just call me Stumpy. I've just been trusting God to work it out however He sees fit. Doesn't mean I have to like it, but it does mean He will work it all for good. It's what He says that He will do. His words are true. I trust in that (sometimes reluctantly) when I get sad or concerned.

One of my co-workers got engaged over the weekend, and her fiance planned the setup for more than 4 weeks with a whole resort staff. She had photos at work today, and another coworker was looking through them, and commented "Nobody's ever loved me that much", and I felt a catch in my chest when she said it.

I was sad to hear that hidden truth slide out of her, and I thought, "I was loved once..."
-even if it was not sustainable love for the long haul, it was once such a blessing. And I am grateful for what was, way back when. Even if it was not who we really were for the next 10 years, the way we started was fun, silly, and beautiful - so perhaps I'll tell that story here to remember what was good and precious before we trashed it.

if you want to read the comments, the URL is http://instepford.blogspot.com

B_I...sad to say I can so relate to your feelings...my H has always said I let fear rule my life....I always defended myself and denied that fear did rule my life....
he was my polar opposite....no fear....not a good combination...

The good news is I am finding my way....putting my fear on hold....something you said about your job putting things in perspective for you....I work with special kids....school bus driver so I spend about 5 hours a day with them.....I have learned to look at things differently....I have learned that things are not as bad for me as I think....that my fears really aren't that fearful....that I really need to rely on God more...and be more patient...

I could also relate and actually had my first conversation with H about MY feelings....and how I didn't want him to grovel but I did want him to "make things up to me"....I felt like he just moved back in and wanted to pick up and move forward without acknowledging all that he had put me through and how lucky he is that I am still here!!!!sound familiar???

Anyway....we talked....I listened and he listened and for the first time I think I really heard what H was saying....

And he is wayyyyyy in debt....we had to sell our home when he left....actually we were selling it because he had lost his job and had already gone through all the money we had saved....he used credit cards like gift cards...he had a good time....even had a BMW with seat warmers for a while till it got repo'd....now he is back with over $120,000 in debt....and $15,000 on me ( I was stupid and transfered it to my name to "help" him out).....so now he will file bankruptcy on HIS debt and eventually pay-off the debt he put on me....I have my half of the home sales money in the bank....he has used that against me a few times....but I stand my ground....that is so I can get another home someday....not to bail him out....he had his money....he had his fun....he told me not to spend it on living and I didn't....I got a job when he left me....with my kids we got an apartment....we built a life that we could live within....and now he is fitting in to that life...

We are making the changes....slowly....he still is afraid of me....afraid of feeling love for me.....trust for me... which like you seemes ironic to me since I am the one that remained faithful while he had an affair that totally broke my heart and almost caused me to loose my mind...it is long and ugly to say the least...

We were separated for 18 months....it has been 2 years since the A ended....and I think we are really going to make it....it really is a struggle to piece things back together....it is a hard thing to do....forgiveness was easy for me....easier then I thought....what is proving a challenge right now is letting go of the feeling that "he owes me".....

I_B....I do hope that things will work out for you and H...
the biggest part of any problem is recognizing it....if H is willing....get a code word for him to say that will alert you when you start "going off"....we have a few and so far it works well...it is a gentle shake back to the real reality...not my perceived reality...

I will keep checking in....keeping you in my thoughts....hang in there

Lin, thank you for posting your story, it is always a comfort to hear from others who are further along, but have walked a similar road (A and debt). Good for you for all that you did for yourself during your S, and for keeping that money safe and not bailing your H out so he has to 'fix' his mess mostly on his own. You should be proud of yourself and I hope you have a great Christmas!

I should just merge my thread with Mamabear's in Piecing, b/c I'm constantly copying something I posted to her over here. Here's another summary of last night here in BI43-Land. ::sigh::

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We had 2 friends over for dinner last night, kids put to bed early, 2 bottles of wine consumed, lots of good conversation, etc. A nice time in the midst of uncertainty.

SO.

I'm all wined-up and watching my H from across the room, wildly attracted to him as always, but not sober enough to tuck it away like normal. I was just wanting a really fab kiss from him, b/c he used to just take my breath away when he kissed me, you know? Back when he used to try to.

After friends leave and we clean up, I go to kiss him (to check the waters) and he recoiled, laughed nervously and left to do last minute shopping. I cried and went to bed.

I feel your pain, Mama. I DO. Hang on, sweetie. God does not have this for us. What He does have, I don't know, but this isn't it. We just have to grow thru it, and wait for the blessing on the other side. Easier said than lived through, I know.

Fcuking recoiled, ya'll. OMGosh, I can't even think about it long or I will come undone again. Ugh.

This is from Whatisis' thread, and I couldn't have said it any better:

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Christmas is about giving and I think that if there is anywhere that can be said to exemplify the spirit of Christmas it is right here on this BB. When people who are hurting take the time to put aside their own pain and to reach out and give to others in similar or worse situations, well, that is the spirit of Christmas!

I am so thankful for everyone here, and I pray a merry Christmas to you.

I know most of us cannot wait to see 2006 in our rearview mirrors. May God richly bless us in the new year.

Can I add a little encouragement???....*thinks she heard the go-ahead*

Well...I can't tell you how many times I longed for that kiss...I even asked one night after he brought me home from a psuedo-date (I say that because unlike our pre-marital dating it was basically "just friends")....and I will admit I had a little to drink....not over the limit though....and I flat out asked if I could have a kiss...goodnight???....anything....he made that disgusted sound....you know the one when you have just finished mopping the floor and one of the kids runs in and drips their fudgesicle all over along with a few muddy footprints just to tell you that the mail man is coming???....ok so now you know the sound he made....that was followed with a quick and very abrupt "No!"....needless to say I didn't ask again...

Now for the encouragment because I know your all reading this and thinking "Wellllll?"....well, one night we were out on another psuedo-date....of course this time I made sure he had a bit to drink....and he probably had more then he should have....but I wasn't trying to get him drunk....I think he was trying to get himself drunk...but as we stood listening to the music I said "Excuse me a minute I need to use the ladies room."....he looked me in the eyes and gave me the most passionate kiss....I almost wet my pants!!!

The interesting part is this happened not too long after my major disappointment of asking him for a kiss....and this was the opening of the door to him coming home....

I still remember THAT kiss....it was February 3rd of this year....almost 9 pm....at the Hardrock Cafe in La Jolla...Listening to a private concert with KT Tunstall...and I have just found out that one of her songs from THAT exact concert was recorded to a local radio stations new CD....so I guess you know who has to get one of those!!!....btw, KT has been nominated a Grammy this year!....

So I do hope this gives some of you who are piecing some hope....believe me when I say my husband was the King of ICE when he left me....and until pretty much that night...

hey toots, sending hugs))))) I second your idea of putting this horrible year behind us !!!

I'm also thankful for everyone who's shared their pain and wisdom, thus allowing others to heal and learn, God bless you all, you were all in my prayers))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Bab Girl....sending you LOTS of hugs. Reading your last, long post was so overwhelming. I hope things have eased a little. One thing at a time.

I am so sorry. This too shall pass.

You are wonderful, I admire you so much.

My best for a wonderful 2007 for you and your family.....no matter the dynamic. Perhaps a separation is best....the very thing you resist most ends up being the door to open it.

Dittos...just want you to know I'm pulling for you.

Luvs,
Aud

Thank you my friends. Long holiday, some at the inlaws (not the horror show of Thanksgiving, thank God), and working overtime, so not a lot of time for lengthy pontificating. No lyrics in a while, so here's a song courtesy of my H. He sent me this email a few nights ago:

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The lyrics to the Adam Again song "River on Fire." While not completely relevant to you and I, it is the saddest song I have ever heard.

NOTE: the Cuyahoga River runs through Cleveland and, at one time, was so polluted that it caught on fire. In this song, its just an image of the impossible coming true. I think Gene Eugene (the songwriter) was drawing a parallel to the pollution in a marriage which leads to irreconcilable differences; the point at which it's just too volitile to do anything but catch fire and burn.

what would you say if you knew what i was thinking?
maybe you do but you know not to dig too deep
what if i knew what you needed for sure?
i've seen in your eyes you need more, much more

and i could be happy, and you could be miserable
i'll grab a metaphor out of the air
the cuyahoga river on fire

what can you say, the impossible happens
what can you settle for?
what can you live without?
i remember the night i first darkened your door
and i swore that i loved you
my heart was pure

you could be happy and i could be miserable
i'll grab a metphor out of the air
the cuyahoga river on fire

my open window, a dream in the dark
my fingers, your face
a spark, a trace
i could be happy and you could be miserable
i'll grab a metaphor out of the air
the cuyahoga river on fire

i know a lot about the history of cleveland, ohio
disasters that have happened there
like the cuyahoga river on fire

BI hon,

I just read your posts on your blog and though I have no idea how things are going for you right now, I just wanted to say how impressed I am by the deep emotions expressed by your H. Even if it's just through email, he's giving you some real glimpses into his soul.

I hope you're hangin' in there...

Hi Aud, thanks for dropping in. I really appreciate a kind word right now so smooches to all who pop in to say 'hi'.

I'm working too many night shifts to compose a good post here, although I have notes I'm working on so I don't forget anything.

Did want to copy part of a GREAT post by Lights to AmyC in the Separated forum. So insightful, and relevant to me as well:

Quote:

I think that while curbing our selfishness in actions (and venting here first) is an important first step in this very critical step of growing up, that the next big quantum leap is to never (or at least rarely) feel bratty feelings in the first place. This is hard work- and I am hardly there either. But the more I focus on it and try, I can see good results. For example, while I never have been an "angry" hot-tempered person- I did get far angrier at other drivers than the occasions warranted. I always thought it was very unattractive when others did so, and yet I still behaved similarly myself. Somehow, I have stamped that out. I first try to see their side of it, and realize that many times I was being almost as "jerky" as they were. Or I just calmly swerve to avoid a collision (still use the horn, but only rarely, and only to avoid a collision, not as a way to communicate to them: "ya big A-hole!") and then just let it go/don't really think about it. Another example- I was bitten badly by a dog while running in the park by my house soon after my P left. I love animals and dogs, but after that, I would get so full of rage when owners let their dogs run free despite the leash law and let them come bounding, sometimes growling, up to me. I now realize that was a rare incident, and most dogs are sweet. I also know dogs need to run around free and love it so much. I also see a need for a leash law, and realize I only have so much energy for life's battles- and this is not one I choose to engage in. Now, when dogs come bounding up to me, I smile at them and say "Hey pup" and their owners smile back. So much more pleasant and peaceful than scowling at the pup and the owner, or worse, snapping at them about the leash law.

I'm not sure how much value there is to realizing WHY I sometimes behave badly- such as interrupting people more than I should (which is almost never) because my family of origin does this to a maddening degree. I think it is far more important to just identify the bad behaviors (which you have done beautifully) and then work hard (somehow? by soulful introspection? reading? praying? practicing?) to eliminate them. I believe that by gradually eliminating angry and selfish, nonlistening, defensive, and other bad behaviors, that eventually those demons will be eradicated from our being altogether. And this is "growing up" at its ultimate finest.

Wanted to share a post from my blog with ya'll.

Quote:

So, I'm driving the kids to school the other morning.

The way to school is a through a national park highway (part of it seen in this photo here), and early on some mornings it is very foggy, like smoke soup. It's a winding road, no street lights or signs; just woods, mountains, and occasional deer.

This particular morning it's a "fog storm," as my son calls it. Very whitish-gray and almost zero visibility in some areas, but I haven't noticed because I'm used to these occasions and keep my focus on the double-yellow line in the center of the road.

Then from the backseat, my daughter announces, "I can't see a thing!" and I look up and realize, dude. It's pretty scary when you look up at the fog. The road is invisible, has no edges, I can't see jack, I can't even see the space in front of the car. But my focus has been on the center line which guides me just fine until the turnoff exit toward school.

And right in that moment I realized: this morning was a microcosm for my life. I can't see a thing, man, and if I look around I will start to panic that I may drive off a cliff. But if I stay focused on trusting God (my center line), I don't even notice the scary stuff and I can drive well in an otherwise precarious situation.

Very interesting...
In a way, everyone's life is like that, even if their marriage isn't in crisis. No one knows what the future holds for them but if they following the line, with integrity, self-respect and unconditional love things will be ok.

Also wanted to share a nice tidbit from my quarterly booklet. About how "God was with him" meaning Joseph, when he was in jail for about 3 years. IN JAIL, meaning that in this live we have to go through so much, but we can still have God's peace with us, the only kind of peace that matters.

I'm at work right now, slow this minute (knocking wood). This is my 4th night in a row, and after 2 in a row I get exhausted and emotional. Not a good combination. I took my eyes off the center line and I'm looking around tonight at my scary fog, and it makes me unbelievably untethered. I've been fighting tears since about 10pm. Sucks.

Talked to H from work tonight, and during the regular conversation I just said, "I miss you a little bit" while talking about how I'm missing the kids b/c I'm sleeping all day and working so many in a row. And he said, "thank you" and nothing back. Nothing. More nothing. And can I have another helping of NOTHING, please? I didn't say anything about it, but it just sent me over the sleep-deprived, emotional EDGE tonight.

We're going to talk in another few nights, when I'm finally off for a day, and see where we are, and if we're going to go anywhere. Our money situation is going to get a temporary boost from one of H's clients for the next 4 months, so I'm curious to see if that's enough for him to feel okay about separating - if that's what he wants, etc. that we may actually have the $ for a studio apt. that we would split time in, while the kids stay here in the house. Obviously a temporary solution while the kids transition, but one we spoke of a few months ago.

And, I may be putting my cart before my horse, but I'm getting ZERO from this man where I need it most. Haven't heard ILY in...over a year, maybe? ... not ML since July.... WTF am I doing here, working myself to death?

Just venting. I am SO tired. I am so weary. I am so hungry for someone to touch me in a loving manner. So sad today.

Hi BI,
I am so sorry that you are getting nothing from your H. I know how bad that sucks, how bad you just want to be held and told everything will be allright. I am doing that for you, even if it isn't physical touch, I feel your pain.

I'm going to share something that happened to me a couple of nights ago. H and I basically are getting along very well except for intimacy, which is in part due to lack of time and privacy from the kids. Sunday night he went up to bed and I kissed him goodnight and told him that I wished we had some alone time since we hadn't ML since October. He got a little cranky and said "instead of lecturing me and talking about it why don't you DO something." Well, it kind of pissed me off since in my mind I thought I was doing something. Unfortunately S5 had already crawled into our bed for the 2nd time so doing something at that minute didn't work out.

I know over Christmas you tried to get close to your H and he rejected you. Can you try again? Maybe reach out and touch his hand. If I were you, I wouldn't bring up the seperation. It is not what you want, is it?

Hey honey, sending hugs your way, I'm so glad you guys a financial break for now, it's so hard living paycheck by paycheck and checking your banck acct. every day (I 'd be dead w/out online banking, the overdraft fees I was able to reverse!). Even though my H hasn't said ILY but once and texted it once, I still work hard at giving love without expecting him to say ILY back, I'll say it' cause I feel it and not to expect anything out of him.

You WILL be stronger through this trial, believe it BI, you will hang on harder to the Lord and have Him fulfill the affection your H is unable to give, it seems like he still isnt' even able to love himself yet, so he can't give you much now honey.

Hugs)))))))))))

Where are you?

hoped to see in in other posts but no luck, guess work has gotten you tied up, hope all is well in your end hon)))))))

Working on VERY little sleep, OMGosh I am too old for this crap. Anyway, found this by AmyC and had to put it RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW, in lieu of tattoo-ing the damned thing on my skin. I NEED to remember this daily (hourly).

Quote:

Here's an exercise for you.
Whenever ANY negative thoughts come into your head, start thanking God immediately that He is at work in your life RIGHT NOW and none of this is any surprise to Him. And even knowing all that would lead you here, He has provided a way. Ask Him to lead you to it. Just praise Him. Where you can't see a way, thank God He sent The Waymaker.

No great updates now but I lurk (and post a bit) on all your threads. Will be back in the groove here as soon as I can. Thanks Mama and Cat for resurrecting my thread from the archives today :::smooch:::

Latest blog entry with a mite of detail: http://instepford.blogspot.com

I can so relate (read your blog).....my husband stopped loving me...prayed for that to change...had an affair...left me....and is now home....he wants to love me...(when he has relapsed and gotten stinking drunk he admits he loves me, that I am the most wonderful woman in the world and he loves me with all his heart)...but he can't tell me that he loves me....he takes care of me because it is his husbandly obligation (that makes me feel so good

)....he is here because he wants his family back together...because that is the right thing to do...

But it hurts to love someone so deeply and have them right there...and not get that feeling of love in return....he says be patient...so I am ....he has a lot of issues....so I keep trying to understand....

I understand the weight of the world...I am holding my own world in my hands right now...and it is getting very heavy...

Hugs hon))) you are in my prayers))) I pray the Lord gives you strenth and fills in w/his love while your H finds himself.

BI--it sounds like you're hanging on. I am proud of you! I know it hurts so badly, but I also know that strength and blessings come even in our trials.

Love, Aud

BI, I've just read through your whole thread. I can see now why you gave me the advice you did over in my thread. I think we're probably alot a like, and in similar situations. I'll pray for us both!

Okay. I was going to post this on the blog, but it's just a whiny crying sobbing vent-type thing, probably of no use there. But I wanted to dump it somewhere since I just sobbed over the damned thing. So lucky ya'll, here's my crybaby post. Just had to get it out. No 2x4's please, I appreciate how self absorbed it is.
=======
Silent Tears. Now Showing Nightly.

I am weary of crying myself to sleep alone. I'm tired of being at work so much. I miss my kids. I miss having a life. A real one, with laughter, and flirting, and silent smiling smiling eye contact, and touch. OMgosh, ya'll, I physically ache from Touch Withdrawl. It may be a true medical condition with me. I'm tired of hugging myself in bed at night so I don't fly apart. I'm so sad. I need to increase my meds. I want to be something more than someone's pain in the ass.

I know a lot of sh!t is my fault. I know it. But I'm tired of being so alone. Unloved. So, so tired. Just a bad night, long hours at work, not enough sleep. I'm sure people pay good money for the salty facials I give myself at night with my tears. I can't even see the fcuking monitor. A glance at his lower back in passing makes my heart hurt. I want to kiss the muscles in his arms. I want him to want my skin touching his. He does not. He may never want it again. I am blessed to get a foot touching mine in the late night when he returns to bed. I am not being facetious. I am blessed to have it. I love to feel his skin, and if that is all I get -so be it. I am just sad.

We live a life of halves. Our clean laundry barely touches in the basket. His side. My side. I want it all mixed up together. He separates it. So I do, too. I smell his shirts before they go in the washing machine. I cannot even imagine him doing something like that. I am relational; I need the connection. He is an island. How did we ever fall so madly in love years ago? Why am I the only one still madly in love with the smell and sight of him?

I see others light up when I walk in. He doesn't. Other people used to comment about how I would light up when I saw him. Did he ever notice that? Does it matter now?

Save a place for me
Save a space for me
In your heart
In your heart
-Tracy Chapman

You break me open
-Jars of Clay

I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past. ~~ Thomas Jefferson

No 2x4s tonight hon--just hugs and love.

*hugs* I know they're not the kind you crave, and I know I'm just a stranger on the other side of the world, but I hope you'll accept them anyway.

A couple of months back, I told H that I missed kissing him. He said that as far as he was concerned, our kisses were nothing more than handshakes, and he didn't miss them at all. I feel your pain, BI.

My god, BI, I can so relate to what you're feeling. Especially wanting touch. I continue to choose to focus on what I can do rather than what I want, but it's hard not to get despondent because of what I'm not getting (anything. at. all.) and spin downward into depression. I really feel for you. (((((((BI)))))))

Don't give up on yourself.

BI,
Does your H know how you feel? Has he read your last post?
What you wrote would melt anyone's heart, even if just a little.

Thanks friends. I am so glad you came by. Muddle, I would marry you in another life, you are so wise and encouraging - besides knowing how I feel.

Mama, H actually came upstairs while I was recovering from my sob-fest and surprised me. He was almost infuriated at my crying. That he walks around this house as a constant disappointment to me. That I'm 'playing the victim'. That I did a lot of damage to push him away, and he's protecting himself, and doesn't trust me to cycle back into crazymaking behavior at some unknown point in the future. That I have to quit focusing on what I'm not getting, and work on my issues of problems with authority, problems with men, problems with having to win every argument. There will be no improvement in our M until I get my own sh!t together, and 3 sessions alone with the C and I'm expecting him to jump back into the unknown and make all the effort. That I talk about what I'm not getting but not caring about what he needs and not caring about what he cares about.

All his words obviously. He has some points, but man, is he ever pissed when he starts talking about it. Lots of anger previously stuffed on his part now coming out. I have to ride it out, but sometimes (i.e. last night) I break emotionally. And I tried not to get pissy and defensive, but did a smidge. Baby steps to a new me. I did make the point that, hello, I was up here crying alone and not making a show of it and he never comes back upstairs and surprised me. As a side note, he had come upstairs to tell me he sent me a funny video and had I watched it yet? And after the discussion was in it's denoument, he said that I was the first person he thought of to send it to (making the counterpoint that he DID care about me, blah blah, just not like how I wanted him to), which was nice to hear, even in the midst of the bad convo. b/c I don't feel reassured/affirmed much at all on a regular basis. But again, it needs to stop being all about me and what I'm not getting, etc.

whatever. heavy sigh. i need to get myself back in some books about anger, and changing the 'dance' we do in communication b/c we seem to keep having the same @#$% arguments/discussions with the same unsatisfactory resolution for both of us. ugh.

Anyway, Mama, if you're asking if H read the weeping post I made last night, no. I didn't put it on the blog. I may take pieces of it and put it up in another context, but that whole sobbing, poor me post was a bit much to put on the blog, I decided.

Thank you again for stopping in. I read everyone's threads that I started with (and some new ones, but I just can't keep up with all the new people here) but don't post on my own as much as I used to. Just trying to digest my own situation and praying, and reading.

Quote:

Muddle, I would marry you in another life, you are so wise and encouraging - besides knowing how I feel.

- A second pseudo-proposal from such an amazing woman!!! I'm so not worthy of your compliments - but rather your comments reflect these wonderful things about you.

Anyway, I think the latest with your H shows promise. My W is angry at me for the same things, it's kind of surprising. And I haven't been expressing any of how I feel regarding the affair to her. I think it's just how our position looks from the other side. It's like sitting on opposite banks of a river making assumptions about what's going on with the other. You don't know, and can't know. In fact, the only way to share is to both get in the water and share your experience. He feels bad. He sees you playing the victim - he's doing the same, it's just that he's victimizing himself over something different than you are. He doesn't trust himself anymore than he trusts you. It's not you, it's him. He's right though, you do have to look to yourself, but because you want to, because you know you'll be better off, not because you're afraid that if you don't, he'll walk. At least you're arguing - it shows you both care. I'm sure he's noticing your progress, even if he doesn't tell you. It's good that he's sharing his anger with you. He's connecting with you, choosing to jump into turbulent water, unsure how deep it is, or what's in there too. Don't leave him in there alone.

to begin with I don't think men handle tears very well, it's either a sign ( to lots of them) of manipulation or disatisfaction)

Hugs hon)))))

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I'm not getting but not caring about what he needs and not caring about what he cares about.

And I just know you want to cry out "BUT I DO, and AM trying!!", and as much as I try to show my H I respected him he actually told him I still disrespect him, how? I dont' know. Guess we (men/women) have a different definition of what being respected means.

Anyways, came over to see how you were doing, you are in my prayers friend)))))

Quote:

That I talk about what I'm not getting but not caring about what he needs and not caring about what he cares about.

Ok BI, this is huge. Let's focus on this, shall we? (BTW, I am to blame for this as well) Starting today the pity party is over. We could all play the victim role until we win an oscar but is that how we want to live?

I see your H as someone who is still trying, he is still there even though you both talked of seperating after X-Mas. Stop all of the descructive behavior so that he stays there. As far as his anger, well I think he is mostly angry at himself and he is projecting that onto you, just let him vent and don't argue back.

I'm not that good with advice so I would suggest that you send out an S.O.S. to people like Underdog (she advised me to read "The Dance of Anger"), Grasshopper and/or Oldtimer.

P.S. In your defense, the fact that you work so much - to the point of exhaustion - doesn't help your emotional state much. Take it easy on yourself

I will chime in on this....my H told me I didn't respect him when I felt I did very much....also that I didn't care what he cared about....which in someways might be correct but that is a two-way street in all fairness...

But I want to share this with you from a friend/work mate of mine....she has never been to this site and knows nothing of it...

She told me that about 10 years ago her husband wanted to divorce her...he actually did file...she stayed and didn't fight him...she showed kindness all the time while he showed her how much he was hating her....

She continued to fix good dinners and offer them to him....he would decline saying he wasn't hungry...she would just say "That's okay because I am starving!"...at the end of the meal she would announce how stuft she was and how good the dinner was...

She prayed all the time because it was hard to go home to someone she felt hated her, to get into bed with someone she felt loathed her presence....yet she did....and she ignored his moods...and just kept acting happy...

One day...about a year later she had made dinner and was eating it after offering him some...he looked at it and said that it smelled good....she said he could have some if he wanted....then before long he would sit on the couch and put his legs on her lap....she would think "Oh God, he is touching me....maybe he is starting to LIKE me again?"

Now they have a wonderful marriage...there are always troubles but she takes them in stride...she allows him to be the man....the head of the house....and she shows her respect of him and love to him often....

So...even someone who doesn't know about DB....used the same techniques and busted her divorce!!!....BTW...he did stop the proceedings before the divorce was final!

So just remember when you really just want to KILL them...kill them with kindness instead and no matter what they do....be as kind as you possibly can....and pray, pray, pray

That's great for all of us to hear ImLIN. Thanks. BI--hope you're hanging in there.

I am grateful for your insights; especially ImLIN's story with a happy ending - I LOVE those kind!

Laptop's power cord broke, of course it's an Apple and not readily accessible. Hoping it arrives in today's mail! Typing from the center of the universe (desktop in the kitchen) so no time to reply in-depth. Headed to weekly C appt in a few hours, and hoping it will go well. Not much has changed here. Civil. Pleasant. Blah, blah. Could be worse.

ah! a Mac woman!! not many of us around $\:\)$

Hope the C went well hon, you are in my prayers))))

Hi friends. LONG AND WINDING ROAD post ahead. Journaling and Thought Splatting:

Tough week. Monthly cycle doesn't help. Reigning in all emotions 'publicly' but they churn underneath. Just a heavy weight of melancholy about the lack of R in my M. Coparenting, that's all. Pleasant. Civil.

I touch, he doesn't touch back.

I hug (on occasion, just for the feel of skin) and he doesn't hug back.

I watch him at times while he's doing something b/c of the 'draw' you have to look at someone important to you. He doesn't look at me, even when I'm walking naked to the dresser. Not interested in me at all. (and I could kick my year-ago's ass for looking good, thankyouverymuch. I'd do me!)

A tough pill to swallow.

At C appt. discussed many things, and state of the (non)union. At the end of the hour(+), my C (our former MC until H stopped going) asked how long I'm willing to stay, work on myself, and see what happens. Without hesitation, I said "a year" and she nodded and said she could agree to that.

Then she said that if nothing had changed in a year, she would advise me to go. On further reflection, that really threw me for a mini-loop, b/c this C is Christian and very pro-M with the exception of abuse, etc, but I guess the fact that I am getting no effort or reassurance or 'engage'ment of any sort from H negates the M after a time? I am dubious of the 'leg' to stand on to call it quits here in 2008, except for the A (biblically, I mean). I'm uncertain, and as we were at the end (and over) of the appt. time, I didn't persue that line of thought. But I will. Of course that's 11 months and counting from now! Just really surprised me.

Called H from work last night per usual (or he calls me), which is fine. We usually don't talk about anything but kids/business, but last night he said it was a hard week for him, and mentioned some annual events occuring at his former job going on now have depressed him this week. I listened and empathised (sp?) -because I do- and it segued into an HOUR long discussion about how he still cannot let go of the hurt by these former team members/friends, and how they have all turned their backs on him. Everyone he considered to be loyal to him judged him on this one act, not his entire history as a man/friend/husband and betrayed him. I am included in this list. And he isn't sure that he can ever get over me turning him in to his boss without confronting him first.

I have known for a while that he's not forgiven me for that. He disagrees, thinks he has forgiven but cannot forget it. And it's vice-versa for me with his A. We are both hurt and betrayed, and uncertain of the other - and whether we can ever (truly, not just surface) get over it. Even now. After a year out, it still moves just under the surface of all that we do and feel, I think. I thought he was further past it, but he's not. I validated his feelings, as much as I can as a party to his pain. And he mine.

I didn't cry or defend, or get upset with where his head is. I'm just sad about it. I told him that if he could never get past that, I understood it. (Frankly, I just really want to KNOW and have that damn question answered. But those kind of answers don't happen immediately) He said he just doesn't know. I can't blame him for those answers, they are just hard to hear. Welcome to more Limbo, being married to a greased pig - can't get a handle on him, so quit trying to hold on to him. SO hard.

My prayers lately have consisted of asking God to pry my white knuckles off of my hurt and pain. That He would open my fingers one by one and help me truly LET GO of the outcome and all that I am clutching so fiercely. My pain is so ever-present, like a little black cloud when I am around him. I don't want that. I have also prayed that for H too, to be able to unclench his fists from all his hurts. When I told him of that, he thanked me a lot for praying for that. For what it's worth.

I don't know sometimes if he will ever see me in a positive light anymore. The pain of that thought is so BIG that I have automatically dulled it to something I can't look at face on. I think about it briefly and move on. I've actually started to 'dwell' a bit in the last day or so on things that annoy me about him. Or things I do NOT love about him, in an effort to dull my aching love for him. I know that may sound weird. I am NOT in the market to become a WAW, let me just clarify that. But I have to dull this pain of rejection: first the A, and then this CONTINUED rejection in my own house, by the lack of wanting an R with me.

He has said in the past (forgive me if I'm repeating myself) that he does not trust me (our lack of trust runs two ways here. fun, fun). That my cycle of psycho-bitch behavior could surface again at any moment, and all prior cycles have hurt him deeply and pushed him very far away from wanting to be with me/pursue me. Check. I understand that. Doesn't make it any less frustrating to be doing "penance" for my M sins.

We're living in a vacuum. Not doing anything together, not trying to work out our problems by being in MC, just being way too passive IMO about improving anything. He's just sitting on the sidelines (in his own imploded world of hurt) and waiting to see if it's safe. And while I don't think I'll get my Crazy on here anymore, I'm not sure that it will EVER be long enough for H to feel safe, after so many years of attacking/disrespectful behavior on my part. I hope I'm wrong, but I don't know.

But.

None of this puts God in the equation, and it's easy to leave Him out of the situation when it looks so bleak. To think He's not big enough to fool with this f-ed up mess. Or that He's big enough, but perhaps he just won't move in this M, that His plan is for something else. Trying to jump ahead and figure out His will, what He may or may not do, or what is going to happen in our hearts, is just crazy-making.

I have an underlying belief system about the timeline. Accurate or not, it helps me get thru the days. 2006 was H's year of repentence. 2007 is mine. 2008 with tell the tale. 1 month down, 11 more to go.

Last week was one year since H ended the A and all contact with OW. I didn't want to have a parade or anything, but I did want to acknowledge what he did, w/out a lot of pressure about our R attached to it. So I bought him a card. I'll tell you what it said in a minute, but he never acknowledged it verbally, via email. nothing. I left it on his pillow for him to find when he came to bed, as he still is very much keeping Vampire hours here. But he did have it up on the sink for a few days and then moved it to his nightstand on display. But never said a word about it. Not really like him, but it's like he turned a dimmer switch down when it comes to me. That his awareness of me is less and less. Within the last day or two, the card is no longer on display but in his drawer.

Here's what the card text said: "Blessed are the available. Blessed are the conduits, the tunnels, the tools. Deliriously joyful are the ones who believe that if God has used sticks and rocks to do His will, then He can use us. Max Lucado" Inside the card had a "Thank You"

Then I wrote:
H, One year ago I wrote 1John2:17 in my journal. One year ago you chose to let God be bold in your weakness and did something courageous. I still find it extraordinary and I still want to thank you for it.
Thank you for choosing us. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for choosing to be available to the Lord so he can make you more like Him, and the man he wants you to be.
I admire you for it, and I appreciate you.
BI
The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever. 1John2:17

Last year flew by. I expect this one will too, in retrospect. Slogging thru the days is long, and sometimes the weight of fear or lonliness or grieving what is NOT, is so heavy on my heart. But the day passes and another comes behind it. Some of them have a hug and kiss from my S6 and D7 that are perfectly timed. Or some other God McNugget that help me get thru one more hour (or more).

I'm sure I had more points/thoughts, but that was a lot to throw out of my head just in one sitting. My time at work has been busy and I've been trying to make sense of things in small pieces of time. This is the first decent chunk of time I've had, and I'm not sure I've made sense here to anyone but myself, but I needed to just regurgitate on the page for a bit. So thanks for following along.

I've been holding on to these song lyrics in a draft folder, waiting to put them on the blog. Not ready yet, but sooner than later, I think.

Just Showed Up for My Own Life

Spending my time sleep walking
Moving my mouth but not saying a thing
Hoping the changes would take by working their way from the outside in
I was in love with an idea
Preoccupied with how a life should appear
Spending my time at the surface repairing the holes in the shiny veneer

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

I'm going to live my life inspired
Look for the holy in the common place
Open the windows and feel all that's honest and real until I'm truly amazed
I'm going to feel all my emotions
I'm going to look you in the eyes
I'm going to listen and hear until it's finally clear and it changes our lives

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

Oh the glory of God is man fully alive
Oh the glory of God is man fully alive

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

-Sara Groves

Dude! H commented on my blog; I think he quit reading it a while back, but must have been bored last night while tracking our winter storm online.

Thought I'd share here. Even though our M is in pieces and our R sux for intimacy et al., thought this would encourage all of you still struggling with a spouse in an A to see what he wrote.

The Blog Post:
The Moon
Back in the dark days of the affair, The Husband and she-who-shall-not-be-named had a thing about the moon. Mainly, that they were far apart, but could still see the moon together no matter what. Cue cheesy music, I know, but ouch, man.

So, of course, the day after the "reveal" I've taken the kids to the inlaws to get them away from our personal Ground Zero, and am driving back home at night. The moon is amazing, huge, beautiful - and Dummy Me calls The Husband. He answers and I say "Can you see the moon from where you are?" and he can't even answer me for about ten seconds, because he thinks it's her.

I of course don't know any of that until later email hacking uncovers it. So, of course the moon then turns into something Bigger Than It Is. You know? Another signpost in my life that Reminds Me That SHE Comes First! THEIR Romance! He Loves HER! Even THE MOON is all about her.

And, hello, we live in the mountains: the Moon is always beautifully showcased. "Look at me!" Look at me!" screamed the moon for a few months. (Fcuking moon)

Slowly, that changed.

One night I was driving home, and the moon was pretty and I didn't immediately cringe inside.

Then, another night, I looked up and thought God did not make this moon for those two people alone.

And then, eventually, look, isn't it pretty tonight with no Ick attached to the thought.

It's been a year since the moon mocked me relentlessly. Now it's just a moon again. Things can change. Hope doesn't disappoint.

The Comment:
The Husband said...

The Moon. It is awesome to watch here in the mountains, and it does not mean anything to me other than what it is to everyone else. In fact, nothing of that affair means anything to me. At times, though, I will admit, that any reference in my mind to that affair (moon included) is only an open wound where my remorse stings like alcohol on a cut. Truly, I have no good memories of what I have done. Only pain. There is so much pain in remembering. While an affair may seem wonderful and exciting in the moment, the damage it inflicts, and the residual pain that does not go away for anyone involved, is not worth one minute of any excitement. Trust me.

Wow!!!!
Words I long to hear from my own H.

BI, I know how much things suck for you right now but the fact that H wrote those words says alot. You cannot truly love someone until you love yourself first. Your H doesn't think too highly of himself so give him time, patience, unconditional love and compassion. Paint a picture in your mind of what your future will be like and focus on that. Forget the negatives. Live one day at a time and take notice of the little things that make you happy; like a beautiful moon, a warm cup of coffee, a smile from a stranger etc.

Hey hon, I wish this year brings healing to both of you, having lost both his job and the crutch (ow) at the same time were a huge blow to your H, and since a job defines a man he prob still feels like he's got no legs. I know that my H would still be in the gutter had it now been for this new God-sent job.

I do think it is awesome how your H posts on your blog, my H gets almost disgusted if he even glances at my R-help books.
I hope he is able to forgive yourself and trust himself again and put invest in his M again.

My prayers your way lov))))))))))

That was a really interesting post BI43. Norway is my moon!

Originally Posted By: believing_isaiah43

Then she said that if nothing had changed in a year, she would advise me to go. On further reflection, that really threw me for a mini-loop, b/c this C is Christian and very pro-M with the exception of abuse, etc, but I guess the fact that I am getting no effort or reassurance or 'engage'ment of any sort from H negates the M after a time? I am dubious of the 'leg' to stand on to call it quits here in 2008, except for the A (biblically, I mean). I'm uncertain, and as we were at the end (and over) of the appt. time, I didn't persue that line of thought. But I will. Of course that's 11 months and counting from now! Just really surprised me.

Ok, I don't usually try to give anyone advice but I would like to pass this along. While in church on Sunday, one of our pastors was talking about 2007.....Now everyone listen up!...This is very important. He said that 2007 is a year for restoration! Take it as you will but just believe on that. 2007 is a year of restoration. All things are possible through Christ. If you haven't already, go to rejoiceministries.com. It is a great website for standers. You can sign up for daily devotions. When you feel like you are at your worst, these devotions will pick you right back up and help you gain that strength to stand.

Again, 2007 is a year of restoration. Believe it and have faith!

God bless you!

sorry, the webpage is rejoiceministries.org

Awesome, NGU. Thanks for that word of encouragement, I will pick up my pompoms for 2007 being the year of Restoration.
\o/\o/\o/ WOO!
(b/c 2006 was NOT)

Thanks everyone for popping by. I was feeling lonely and you make it better.

H is at the gym tonight - he is even forgetting to say 'goodbye' when he leaves now, and goodbye pecks (as crappy as they were) are also a thing of the past. But he's all about loving on the kids, etc. I keep slipping and saying 'honey' when I address him about something, and I'm thinking I need to bite the tongue and nip that sh!t off. I've quit the ILY's way back b/c he will NOT say it. And back to no touching in bed, not even the feet anymore. WTF?

WHO THE FCUK CAN LIVE LIKE THIS LONG TERM? UGH. $\:\($

</end rant>

From the Great and Powerful Oz (a/k/a AmyC. ha!)

Quote:

David and Goliath

Look at your marriage problem as a Goliath in your life. Be like a David, you will defeat the enemy. Don't fear. Our Mighty Awesome God WILL, WILL, WILL, come through for you. No matter what the situation is, God will come through for you.

If it looks BAD, IMPOSSIBLE, UNFIXABLE, DISTASTEROUS, DEAD, these are things our God specializes in. Let it be bad, God can fix it. Let it seem like it is impossible, yes, He can fix it. Let it seem unfixable or disastrous, these too, He can fix. Friends, NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING, is hard for God. Believe this - NOTHING, NOTHING IS HARD FOR GOD. He will do it for you. Don't worry about it. Give it to Him.

Believe God can change it. All things work together for good. God can use bad things and turn it into good. Believe this.

Listen to David talking to his Goliath.

"David said to the Philistine, "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied." (1 Samuel 17:45). David puts into practice several sound biblical principles when he faced one of the biggest challenges of his life - Goliath.

These principles are effective for all of God's servants: Recall past victories: David immediately recounted his victories as a shepherd when he defeated attacking lions and bears. Recounting those times when the Lord has come to your aid will fortify you for your present challenge.

Reexamine and reaffirm your motivations: David's love and devotion to the Lord and defense of His name superseded any of man's paltry rewards. We must be ever-vigilant to gauge our true motivations.

Reject discouragement from others: Don't listen to your friends or relatives, telling you to go on with your life or to "move on." Listen to your Creator. Don't listen to the created.

David did not listen to his older brothers or even King Saul. He
listened to the Lord's voice. Well-meaning people sometimes can
quench your faith if you heed the wrong voices. Recognize the true nature of the battle: God is involved in every aspect of the believer's life. This means that everything is spiritual in our lives - everything that touches us MUST COME THROUGH GOD FIRST.
Think back on Job. The devil had to consult with God FIRST.

Rely upon God's power for victory: From the beginning, David
proclaimed that the battle was the Lord's. This isn't "psyching
yourself up." It simply means that you trust the Lord so much that the victory already is decided in your mind. It is a settled issue. IT IS SETTLED! VICTORY IS SETTLED!

We are on the winning side. God has NEVER lost a battle. Trust Him to heal and restore your marriage. TRUST HIM, TRUST HIM. DON'T DOUBT. TO DOUBT IS A SIN. Believe that the Creator will do this for you. Come what may, trust Him to do it for you.

Mighty God, Mighty God, Mighty God, Bless your people today, bless them. Whoever is reading this encouragement today, bless them and heal their hearts. Give them wisdom, knowledge and understanding, give them peace. Minister unto them and help them not to worry about their situation because it is in YOUR hands. Jesus, My Sweet Jesus. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, we cry out to you today, Dear Jesus.

Be encouraged

Pastor Doreen

BI, you ask
WHO THE FCUK CAN LIVE LIKE THIS LONG TERM? UGH.
I believe that would be me!

Something tells me you are going to make it BI. And can I just say? I LOVE your cheers! \o/\o/\o/

Ah, whatisis, I hear you friend. Thanks Aud, for stopping in. I hope I make it. Today I feel as gray as the sky here, and less optimistic.

Ya'll, this just SUX, yes? H commented on my blog AGAIN last night but won't freaking talk to ME about it. ack.

I apparently touched a nerve, but dude I am not trying to poke him with a sharp stick. He's just taking it that way? IS it a stab at him? AM I being P/A? sh!t. Going to email him a reply. B/C we're all about emails here. I'm freaking NAKED in the bed last night and he faces the wall. WTF. Venting. Ranting. Pay no attention.

I read a REALLY cool how-I-met-my-husband story last night. The emotions were powerful and made me smile to remember similar feelings from my past. sigh. Then I tried not to cry myself to sleep when H came to bed and faced the wall. Fcuk. I hate this.

Sweetie, this all really does suck. In many ways we all are tempted to hide behind our 'red dots', to keep hanging on to them--they justify so many of our fears and weaknesses.

Someone wise once asked me what I could do for myself when H wasn't/isn't there for me. It was a tough question then...I think I'm getting it now. What can/are you doing for you?

Luvs

I can quit OBSSESSING, get my a$$ off the computer and go to the gym. I will do that in about 45 minutes! \o/\o/\o/ Go, me!

Hey Girl,
Just read what The Husband wrote on your blog. Clearly he does not feel good about himself and what he did and I really think that you are making him feel worse. He faces the wall when he gets in bed because he cannot face you crying. How has your mood/attitude been lately? Men are a lot more sensitive then you may think. You need to start "acting as if" everything was "normal". He probably can't hug or kiss you right now because he knows how bad he has hurt you and vice versa. You need to change the focus from the red dots to those gold nuggets, K?

Sorry things aren't improving for you, BI. Perhaps you could look at his blog replies as a positive though? Perhaps it's the only way he can feel comfortable talking to you for now? It's probably hard for him to even write in your blog, particularly if it's something you won't want to hear (or read, as the case may be), but look at it this way, at least he's making a small attempt at communication of somesort. No, it's not ideal, but it's not nothing either. Perhaps he's starting to find the strength to open up to you a bit, but still can't do it to your face. Perhaps?

Also, maybe he feels intimidated when you go to bed naked? Speaking for myself, I was the low libido partner in the M. Was never particularly up for it, so if I'd come to bed and H was already naked it'd do my head in and put me on the defensive and stress me out because I felt put on the spot. Maybe your H feels a bit of the same pressure, which is why he turns his back on you? Maybe he'd feel a bit "safer" (for want of a better word) and under less pressure if you weren't naked next to him. He may be seeing that as you coming on too strong with something he's just not ready for yet. Then again, if you've just always slept naked, then I guess my theory won't apply, because you're just doing what you've always normally done. Figured I'd throw the theory out there anyway, just as the perspective of someone who was prone to wanting to freeze up and shut down when there was the prospect of surprise sex in the air.

Woo-hoo--you GO girl! That gym stuff works wonders for me...

Oh, and I have SO BEEN there with an H facing the wall and hugging the edge of the bed. It physically hurts. But it is what it is. Keep on taking care of you!

Well, we are obviously in need of communication IRL b/c this snarky commenting is bogus. Even got a comment under H's that basically scolded us for the same. Guilty as charged, and I said as much in answer to the commenter. Marital discord thru blogging. yuck.

On a happy note S6 (!) birthday party tomorrow. Football party, inflatable football cooler, football crockpot w/hot dip, football cookies, fun fun. I so love that child. He adores me and is completely open with his love. What a GIFT my kids are.

Oh, and I got the sh!ttiest comment ever on one of H's posts:
"I cheated purposefully and haven't felt a bit of remorse..."

OMGosh, ya'll, I yelled FCUK YOU out loud and flipped off my monitor when I read that today. Nice. Thanks, guy. (how do you make a furious face? where are the smiley codes?)

BI,

I'm new here, but have been lurking a bit. I haven't posted much.

I read most of the posts in your story.

I sympathize and hurt for you and your husband.

I'll pray for you both.

God loves the raise the dead. He loves impossible situations. It's only when you are hopeless (in your own abilities) that you can really start to have hope (in Him). So start hoping again, because it looks like God is at work in your situation. I feel it.

First of all, I diagree with your counselor. If you've forgiven your husband for the A, then what grounds do you have to leave him? I'm speaking biblically. You can do what you want, but I'm asking you to think.

Second of all, I don't think your husband is leaving you anytime soon. He wants to work this out, he just hates himself right now. And yes, it sucks not having affection back. I know what that feels like. But thank God, you have time.

Thirdly. I think if you really GAL and start to to be fulfilled indepdendently of him, you will begin to attract him. People aren't attracted to drowning, upset, needy people. And also GAL can be spiritual growth. Maybe allowing Christ to be your righteousness, joy, peace and worth will begin to let you loosen the pressure on your husband. If you cup is full with Christ, then your husband won't feel that he needs to conform to your expectations in order for you to be happy. And that's sexy. You can be joyful in Christ even if hubby doesn't hug you tonight.

You know what helped me? Excercize and painting religious icons and...Writing down every night before I sleep at least 5 things I am thankful for that day. It can be small stuff: the salad I had for lunch, the smile I shared with my wife, etc. After 2-3 weeks I went from being morbid to being joyful and buoyant. But write it down. I also see a great Christian counselor who recommended a book: Authentic Happiness. He helped me climb out of a depression. He also recommended vitamins/supplements that could help my dark moods.

So..what are some GAL ideas for you? They don't need to be expensive.

Also, did you try Michelle's idea of writing down what you want from your husband in small, bit-sized, goals? And then asking him when you are both in an OK mood?

Keep at it hun. You are amazing for trying this.

--Theoden

Theo! We were crossposting. OMGosh, welcome to my crazy life, I'm so glad you're here (well, not HERE in DBland, but you know.. HERE with ME! I love my DB friends here. Ya'll rock)

Thank you truly, madly, deeply for the thoughtful post. I NEEDED that today.

I plan to write you back in detail but must get off this computer and do something for dinner. ack!

To access the smileys - click on the 4reply at the bottom of the post instead of clicking on the instant reply and you will get all the smileys you want

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