Hi,
I am somewhat new here and am usually over in newcomers. I do not know when I am no longer a "newcomer" as I lurked a VERY long time before posting. I do get great advice there, but I just need some more feedback. I am very anxious and seriously depressed. Please Help Me!!!!
Here is my sitch:
my story
Hey AITOW -
Been in your situation, but I am a guy so I will give you my take on it.
Did you ever get on your anti-depressants? You said you were thinking about it. I personally never did this, but I know that it was absolutely HELL to concentrate on anything but this for awhile and maybe that would have helped.
About your H....you acted on a suspicion of OW. I think instincts are right the majority of the time, and there did end up being an OW anyway. Now your H is having the time of his life, getting to "date" around, and getting the person he was in love with too.
You also said that you were "clingy", that you called him crying a few times, etc and wondered if that was why he might be avoiding you. The answer is a resounding YES in my opinion. This guy is loving his freedom, and when you call it drags him down when you are that way, so it is probably easier to avoid you. This is the whole reason for you to DB.
I think you said when you went dark he was calling you and wanting to come back. I would recommend that you set some goals for yourself and stick to them. Decide on a course of action and stick to it.
1. Don't be available to him. This sounds weird, but you saw before when you weren't so available he chased you. So when he does start chasing you....
2. Be cool to him. Doesn't mean you can't be friendly, just don't be physical and no R talk whatsoever. Act as if you have something else going on in your life to make you happy. Which leads to.....
3. Get something else in your life to make you happy! Could be getting more involved with your son's activities, joining a bowling, darts, pool etc league, taking cooking classes, dance lessons, working out, etc. Take up your freetime with things such as this. It won't let you mope around thinking about him, will make you feel better and make it easier to deal with this whole situation.
Remember when you two first met? You had other things in your life going on, it wasn't centered on him. Get back to that. He is doing the same thing right now, you should be too.
I am not saying that the above will get your H back, you might not end up together anyway. You will however be happier, and you will have a shot at your H. What you are doing now isn't working and you feel badly. This way you feel good about life, and will see that there are other things/people out there for you to interact with and care about.
You deserve better. Only you can make it better though. You can't control your H, so quit worrying about him. Control what happens to you.
Good Luck
S
Hi Sinjin,
Thank you for stepping in. I have seen you around the boards. You said:
Quote:
I am not saying that the above will get your H back, you might not end up together anyway. You will however be happier, and you will have a shot at your H.
That REALLY hurt to hear you say we probably won't end up together anyway. Can you really gather that from my story that quickly. Did you read our latest development as to him having stayed with me for the last five days. As of now it is supposed to be over with OW, I don't know. He did show me msgs from her where she is asking for another cahnce and she misses him. (as if poss that she hasn't been with him in a while) I am not coming down on you for your response, I am REALLY wondering if you could see something that I don't see by making such a stong judgement call.
By the way I have decided NOT to get on antidepressants, partially because I have such a HUGE fear of taking pills. Also, because I am afraid of what the side-effects may do to me. So for now, I am just going to try to handle it drug free. 
Thank you for asking.
A:
I just caught this. I think the word "might" indicates an unnumbered amount of risk (can imply 5% or 90%). It's really not "quantifiable." It's just indicating a
possibility .
I noticed a thread in this forum about success. You might want to read that.
Success a year later See, the thing is, you need to work on you, make your life successful and happy. What goals have you got to work on your M and on you? What steps have you taken?
Dbing is really solutions-oriented, you need to have goals and take steps.
Anti-Ds often have few side effects. They can be helpful. But a lot of other things do help the depression--such as exercise, motivating yourself to do something new, accomplishing something not dependent on your M.
I didn't read your past threads, so perhaps all of this is useless. But, if you do want your M to survive, you'll have to make changes. And you won't want the M to be as it was before, you'll want to build a new R. You do that by changing you.
Hey -
I didn't make a strong judgement call...I said you MIGHT not get your H back. You just MIGHT get him back too.
You will many instances on this board of the spouse starting to come back, only to leave again (see Tigerbuck's tale of woe). I would just say don't get your hopes up too soon. When in your situation, it is important to keep an even keel - not too high and not too low. You will see what looks like great improvements (he is back in the house, you ML) and great disappointments (he stops calling abruptly, he is afraid of the same ole same).
I am merely pointing out that you might feel better by taking control of the situation. Your H is totally running the show here, with you reacting to everything he does. If it were me, I would stop reacting to him and start acting the way I preferred to act.
Your H is a "pathological liar". So if you can't really believe anything he says, why would you want to react to every little thing? That alone is wearing you out emotionally. I wouldn't put too much stock in anything this guy says or does in the short term. Actions speak louder than words, and to come and stay with you for a few days doesn't prove a whole lot. He left again when it was convenient for him to do so, knowing by your actions that you would have him back anytime (sorry if that hurt, but more than likely true).
Think about the course you want to take (using DR) and stick to it. Reading your posts, you know what to do, and when you do something you shouldn't too. If you can manage to stick to a course of action, you will probably see some positive results (at least you will be in charge of the situation and hence your emotions a little more).
I hope this helps. There are no magic bullets here (these sitches suck, but it is what it is) but DBing seems to be the only chance that there is in situations like these. Let go of the rope!
Good Luck -
S
O.K., this is going to sound REALLY harsh, but I think it needs to be said. I am not trying to offend you- I am really trying to make you see things in a different way.
Simply put, if you are as needy to your spouse as you are on this BB, no wonder he stays away! I was getting so irritated in reading your first thread from newcomers. People would jump in and try to help, and you would post back saying, "Can anyone help me???"
What do you suppose those other people were trying to do? How do you think they felt when you ignored their advice and just asked for more?
This isn't about waiting to hear what YOU want to hear. Some of the things people say may hurt you. NO ONE (and this includes me) comes on here trying to hurt people. The best advice you can get is from the people that are not here to win fans, but instead the ones that will tell you the truth.
You say you know you should do this or do that, then you do the opposite. (Calling, writing letters, etc) Why is this?
Ami, I doubt that you are as weak as you are portraying yourself to be. This is not an easy process. It will not be solved with a quick answer, so quit waiting for it.
You know what works, you know what doesn't. Get back on track. And remember, everyone that takes the time to write to you has something to offer. Really think abot this before you dismiss them....
Let me ask you this:
If your marriage was not in trouble right now, what would your life look like? In other words, what would you be doing if you weren't obsessing over every little thing your H is doing/not doing?
My suggestion? Go do those things!
Ami, go read your own thread. Tell me, would YOU want to be around someone like you right now? Can you see why your H avoids you? (Yes, I know he was there for 5 days...however, I'm sure your going to have lots more of those AWOL days in your future before this can be solved.)
I'm sorry if this sounds mean. I know how much you are hurting, and I wish you didn't have to go through this. However, you are. So, find a way to get strong. You have to- not only for yourself but also for your son.
P.S. You are NOT Ami the OW. You are Ami. You need to see yourself in a positive way.
O.K, I am dumb!
I just realized it was Am I the Ow? not Ami the OW.
So, skip the P.S., but keep the rest!
Well, change the P.S. to say:
You are not "amitheow," You are "______" (insert new name here!)
Sinjin,
Thank you for helping me to understand what you were saying. You said:
Quote:
Your H is a "pathological liar". So if you can't really believe anything he says, why would you want to react to every little thing?
Exactly. Everything he does dictates how I feel or not feel. I thought long and hard last night, and re-read DR and I do NOT want him to control the situation any longer. I have begun to make a list of my goals, I am just struggling with trying to find a "course." I may sound ridiculous but I really need help figuring that out. I am so used to "more of the same" behavior and I want to rid myself of these behaviors, NOT just for my M-but for myself. I don't want to keep flip-flopping with doing the right thing then backsliding, it is wearing me down emotionally.
I also have to stop trying to read his mind. It literally drives me crazy. I woke up this morning with a totally remewed way of thinking. If I really want to change myself, and if I even want a possibility of having a M I HAVE to do what needs to be done.
Thank you again Sinjin. I needed to see some of these things in black white.
Hi Blue,
Quote:
I just caught this. I think the word "might" indicates an unnumbered amount of risk (can imply 5% or 90%). It's really not "quantifiable." It's just indicating a possibility .
Yes I agree. There I go focusing on the negatives and didn't really grasp what Sin was REALLY saying. It is FINALLY beginning to sink in that I MUST work on me FIRST, and stop concentrating on my H and what he is doing. Thank you for the link, I will definately take a look at it.
Pamela
I do not take any offense AT ALL to what you have written. In fact, I think this is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I have been totally feeling sorry for myself and not focusing on what needs to be done for ME. It's funny because when I awoke this morning, I said to myself "ENOUGH OF THIS S**T." I am GOING to do what I need to do for me. I will NOT continue TRYING to make it through another day. My son needs me VERY much, for goodness sakes he is only 8 yrs old. He is dealing with enough with his Dad being gone anyway.
Quote:
If your marriage was not in trouble right now, what would your life look like? In other words, what would you be doing if you weren't obsessing over every little thing your H is doing/not doing?
My suggestion? Go do those things!
If my M wasn't in trouble I would be having fun with my g/f's. I would do things with my son that he LOVES to do. I would be a very happy person and a pleasure to be around, and THAT is a goal of mine-to be ME again.
As I said in my above reply to Sinjin, I have started writing down my goals, and will continue with the "course of action," (I could use some pointers to get me started there) and it is going to be about me. Your post was a HUGE eye opener for me, and NO I wouldn't want to be around me neither. Also, I did re-read my thread and I do SOUND very weak, and I am not. The one thing my H fell in love with me for was the fact that I was independant and very head-strong. I have lost sight of myself through all of this and I want to just be me again. (sorry I repeated myself again)
One question. How do I handle it when he asks to come over but yet not sound upset because of this past weekend? I do not want this to happen anymore. I want to remain friendly and cool with him, but NO MORE overnight visits. I think a 180 would apply here by not allowing him to come over, but I don't know how I could word it. Is that a silly question? I just don't know my own H anymore, and want to start over and do things the right way.
Thank you for you support.
AMI
P.S. I laughed when you didn't realize what my screename said. I am ______________ <-- ny name here. 
Ami -
Reading your response to Pamela and I, it sounds as if you are on the right track. You asked for some pointers....I can give you what I would do knowing what I know, but you know your situation better, so some of them might not apply.
1. Stop the sleepovers. We both know he is going to ask to come over. I guess I would say to him the only reason he needs to come over is to see his son. Arrange visitation for him to come and get his son, take your son with him for the afternoon and bring him back at a time you specifiy. When he picks him up he can wait at the door, and when he drops him off he can drop him at the door. You may ask "how will he know that I am DBing?" I think you must first put a stop and set boundaries and get comfortable in "handling" your H and being in charge of the situation for awhile. Then when you are comfortable, perhaps you could accompany them on one of the visitations and see how that goes. During that time, you will just enjoy yourself with no R talk. If you think he is going to ruin it with R talk, drive seperately so you can leave, maybe just meet them somewhere.
2. For some reason your H loves to throw his OW and you "OM" in your face. Simply don't allow it. If you are on the phone with him, small talk with him (no R talk) and when this subject comes up, tell him politely but firmly you will not talk about either of these subjects. Then I would get off the phone as soon as possible so you don't backslide.
3. You have some ideas as to what you would do if you weren't going through this right now, so do them. Have all the fun you can.
Hope this helps. Sometimes I can be full of S**T too.
S
Sin, these are really good pointers. (is it ok that I call you Sin?
) I am going to put them to work as soon as I can.
H has not called since I sent the email. Is it really that bad? All of the ranting I do on the BB I honestly do not do in front of him.
I don't understand why he backed up on communication, or could it possibly be because I am saying I no longer agree with the "sleepovers?"
Quote:
For some reason your H loves to throw his OW and you "OM" in your face. Simply don't allow it. If you are on the phone with him, small talk with him (no R talk) and when this subject comes up, tell him politely but firmly you will not talk about either of these subjects.
This is what puzzles me the most. I understand WHY he would throw up phantom "OM," because this is a HUGE fear for him. What would be the reason for throwing up OW, especially after he told me he did NOT have OW. Nonetheless, I feel great today. I got a call this morning regarding a job interview scheduled for Wednesday and I am very excited. I will focus on that and keep my PMA up.
Ami -
Glad to hear you are doing better!
I believe what your H is doing here is trying to manipulate you to keep pursuing him. It must be some kind of ego boost for him to be able to have his OW and have his W chase him too knowing about the OW. He is probably just waiting you out since you sent the email, and that is why he brings up OW too. Ignore it. He will contact you, then you can run the show from there.
Glad to here about the job. Good Luck.
S
Hi Sin,
Thank you for the good luck wishes!!
This would really be VERY helpful for my PMA right now. I am not currently employed and I think this is why I have so much time to focus on my H.
As far as the OW, I agree. I believe he DOES want me to pursue him, but I will NOT. My H knows I can "out-wait" him. Also, I don't know if I said it already but I do not even really think he was being honest when he threw it up in my face. We S once before and I begged, and pleaded, and chased him for MONTHS. (didn't know about DB then) This time, only in the last couple of weeks, have I shown a bit of chase but NOTHING like before. I believe it is shaking him up and he wants to redirect my focus on him. He is wondering what is holding my attention away from him. How immature is he? I haven't read the 5LL's, however his MUST be affirmation.
2 Questions On the other hand, if he DOES have OW and he desires her SO then what role do I play in this?
I need financial assistance for my son and I. Should I wait until he calls, or should I just leave a voicemail? I just thought about this. I don't know what to do regarding that and my H is going away on 8/26.
Hello Ami -
If there is another woman, you can't do anything but DB. I say don't worry about it (knowing that is impossible) but you can't do much about it except reinvent yourself and make yourself happy.
As far as child support...hmmmmm. What are the laws in your state? I would look them up online, then write a letter to him so you have a record for later. Ask for whatever is fair for your child according to the laws. A simple straightforward letter, not mentioning the R at all. Quote the state statute so he knows you did your homework and are serious.
You are probably going to get what you ask for, plus perhaps a panicked reaction from him about the sitch too. Stand firm if/when that happens, then you will be in control of the situation and will have some ability to make it come out as you wish it.
If I were you, I would place the emphasis on your son and yourself first, then your job, your family and finally your H. He can move up that chain if you deem him worthy sometime down the road.
That is my opinion, your mileage may vary!
S
Hi Sin,
When I said that I needed financial assistance, I meant that I needed extra cash at the moment. I have not gone after C/S because that is not something I felt like I have needed to do...as of yet.
However, I do agree with you in regards to there being an OW. I will continue DB'ing and taking care of me.
I posted this question on my other thread and wanted to get some feedback here:
Quick question
As I said I have been feeling better for the past couple of days. I have also been having ill feelings toward my H. I realized that it may be because I am focusing on the negative with no real attention to the positive. Is there anyone that sees ANY positive "steps" in my sitch. I'm not grabbing at straws, I'm just asking.
AMI
Ami -
The positive steps are that you are getting a job and doing what you want to do. Keep after it. This is only about you right now, nothing about H.
S
Yes Sinjin, that is the obvious regarding the positive steps. (thank you) However, I would still like to know if there are any positive steps in my "sitch."
AMI
Ami -
You said you weren't grasping at straws, but I think that you are....
From what I can see (if you are asking about your H) there hasn't been any new developments in your sitch.
Patience my dear. You have to DB and let some time go by. Neither myself or anyone else here can give you a timeline, although I have seen some guesses that affairs run their course around the 6 month mark. That is in no way definitive.
I would say from your posts that you still need to work on focusing on yourself. There is really not alot you can do about your H. The sooner you shift the focus to yourself, the sooner you will see results.
Go get that job you want, spend quality time with your family and friends, and do things that you enjoy. Let your husband play out his issues, while seeing the changes in you. If you focus on him at all, you will be disappointed in him and his actions time after time.
S
Thank you Sinjin. I guess it is very possible that I am grasping at straws and don't realize that I am doing it. Also, I think I am being somewhat impatient and want to see something positive, because I have been having feelings of just giving up. As I said I haven't been really focusing on H as much as usual, but I have been having persistent thoughts of just re-filing for D and just saying F**k it. I don't WANT to feel this way, but are these normal feelings. Could it be that I am just afraid of what the future holds? Whatever it is, the feelings are very real.
My H left to go to the Dominican Republic today. How nice that he can take vacations.
He went with a group of his "single" buddies, one of which walked out on his VERY pregnant girlfriend. I am just feeling disgust more than anything at this point. Talk about emotional rollercoaster.
AMI